#when i think of a lotus i think of a calm yet pretty pond

[tired-needs-sleep]

sara profusely denying they have a crush while hasumi gives a very knowing look at her trainer

[second-chance-stray]

RP Log: Cravs and Rising go on a disastrous hike.

Cravendy Hound has invited Rising to “relaxing hike through Sorrel Haven,” despite the area being infested by countless malboros and ziz. She leaves off that part - it’s not lying if you just don’t mention it. For now, she waits by the exit of the White Wolf gate for her companion.

Rising Lotus wasn't too far behind Cravendy, strolling through the gate a few minutes later and catching up to her. "Hey there!" as she was hurrying over her eyes gazed upwards toward the giant fallen tree. "Gods, it's crazy how huge they get out here, I guess by the company home too, but like," she outstretched her hands around her.

Rising Lotus: "Out in the forest forest the trees get so big here! "

Cravendy Hound: “Ye know, I’ve ‘eard that they’re just as tall below ground. What poor sod ‘ad to be the one to dig one up and find that out though, eh?” Cravs shrugs.

Rising Lotus rubbed her chin. "Maybe they dug out a littler one and jus' figured it was the same? Or not the same, but figured, bigger the tree bigger the roots." she returned the shrug, she was no botanist after all.

Cravendy Hound rubs her chin. “Mmh, that makes sense. But ‘ell if I know ‘ow trees work, specially out ‘ere in the Shroud.” She then absentmindedly fiddles with her gun as she turns to face the forest. “Anyway, let’s ‘ead out and ‘ope nothin’ interrupts our walk...though with my luck, we should expect the worst.”

Rising Lotus nodded, putting her hands behind her head afterwards. "I'm sure there ain't nothin' we can't handle. I /am/ back to full strength after all." she flashed a cocky grin. "Lead on!"

Cravendy Hound leads on, past stalking brood ziz and to the oddly named ‘Hopeseed Pond.’ She wrinkles her nose upon seeing the weird, planty...meaty? Plant-meat creatures wading around. “Ye know what, I don’t know what I was thinkin’ bringin’ us ‘ere. If one of those boros breath on ye, ye’ll be sick once again.”

Rising Lotus is calm despite the wildlife all around them. "Ugh..can smell their maws from here.." her eyes dropped to the bridge, then back to the pond full of ravenous giant plants. "Gonna go out on a limb an' say not many folk use this bridge no more." she pauses for a moment. "Hey! Why you so sure it's gonna get me sick!" she huffed a bit.

Rising Lotus: "I mean one ain't breathed on me yet and I wanna keep it that way, but it could jus' as easily hit you. Plus! Me being sick last week was jus'...a fluke."

Cravendy Hound playfully bumps Rising’s shoulder with her fist. “Aye, right right, a fluke. As for me, I never get sick. So if one of these boros come our way, ye can just stand behind me, heh.” She then takes a step on the rickety bridges and observes how...well. Gross it is? The whole area is pretty gross? Rotten wood and stagnant waters and looming monsters - but a little danger never hurt anyone.

Rising Lotus cracked a smirk. "Well to be honest I'm more worried about the smell then gettin' sick, but if you wanna take the brunt of it for me.." she was sure to follow behind Cravs as she started across the bridge, testing each plank with her foot before putting her weight on it.

Cravendy Hound is not nearly as careful as Rising, and strides forward with all the confidence in the world. She inadvertently steps onto a weakened plank of wood, which snaps under her weight. She falls, one leg stuck in the gap. “Goddamned shite piece of wood!”

Cravendy Hound: “I think ye were right about people not comin’ ‘ere often...” She grumbles under her breath.

Rising Lotus was caught off guard by Crav sinking down, more by her reaction than the actual board breaking. She carefully hurried behind her. "You didn't get cut up at all did ya?" She was right behind Cravs, looking over her shoulder and trying to peer down the hole. "Here lets get ya out of there.." kneeling down, she hooked her hands under Crav's shoulders.

Rising Lotus: "I'll pull ya slowly, you jus' make sure you don't get torn up or a nasty splinter on the way up."

Cravendy Hound: “I don’t need ye fussin’ over me like some freshfaced whelp, I got it,” Cravs stammers as she wiggles left and right in attempt to wiggle herself free from Rising’s help. “Don’t ye worry yer pretty lil’ face, it’ll take more than a splinter to down ol’ Cravs.”

Cravendy Hound - However, as she tries to pull herself up, she feels something keeping her ankle held down. That’s odd. And, more embarrassingly, she’s still stuck after being so confident earlier. The more she struggles, the deeper her leg sinks. By now, Cravs is sweating bullets.

Rising Lotus was still concerned, but she did get it, being incredibly stubborn herself at times. She released Cravs and stood back up. "Alright alright, I shouldn't of doubted ya." snickering a bit, she took a step back, giving her friend the space she might need to escape. "I'll make sure nothin' comes by to maybe take a bite of a delicious leg wigglin' under the bridge..an' I'll give ya a heads up if any travelers are comin' too."

Cravendy Hound - To this, Cravs only grunts in response. Coherent thoughts escape her under the immense embarrassment she’s currently dealing with. If Rising were to look under the bridge, she’d find a juvenile stroper idly tugging on Crav’s leg. Every time the Sea wolf tries to lunge out, it pulls her back down by the foot with greater force.

Rising Lotus was still waiting for her friend to free herself, keeping an eye on the bigger stroper's minding their own business thankfully. "Alright no need to make a big show out of it all, stop stallin' before you fall all the way through." she was biting her lower lip gently to stifle a bit of laughter. "You stuck on somethin'? Want me to peek under the bridge?" she started toward the edge, more so to try and catch a glimpse of Crav's leg comically wiggling under it.

Cravendy Hound: “‘Suppose the Navigator saw fit to destroy what little remains of me pride, right ‘ere and now.” Cravs crumples against the bridge and sighs against the wood. “Aye, yeah, it feels like somethin’s got my foot. Can ye see what it is?”

Rising Lotus quickly got to her knees and stuck her head over the side of the bridge, eager to see what manner of thing had snagged the Seawolf. "Oh! It's a baby one of these things!" she waved an arm out to the pond. "Luckily his teeths don't look too sharp yet, still has a good grip on ya though." Cravs would hear a bit of snorting and giggling coming from under the bridge. Rising grabbed her spear off her back, not bothering to start up aetherial blade, and started jabbing at the small stroper, not aiming to hurt it really, but just shoo it off. "Go on get ya lil bastard!"

(Cravendy Hound) you know what I'm feeling spicy )) (Cravendy Hound) Random! 19 (Cravendy Hound) aaahahha )) (Rising Lotus) Well then, bye leg!))

Cravendy Hound - The young Stroper turns to Rising and squirms in an attempt to dodge the jabs. It succeeds...that is, it succeeds in annoying it. It puffs up a bit and then charges at Rising in an attempt to knock her down. But as it does so, it fails to loosen its grip on Cravs, and the sudden motion tugs the Seawolf completely through the half-rotten boardwalk.

Cravendy Hound: “WHAT THE FU-” Cravs gets out before she falls face first into the slimy malboro.

(Cravendy Hound) I love a good bad roll )) (Rising Lotus) How big is it, like minion malboro sized or bigger?)) (Cravendy Hound) hmm I'm taking that Stroper nearby as adult, and the giant one as grandpa )) (Cravendy Hound) so teen = half of the adult size? )) (Rising Lotus) Okays! Also grandpa malboro x3))

Rising Lotus's eyes went wide as she saw Cravs fall through the bridge, all upside down from her perspective. "Ah shit!" pulling herself back up, she swung her legs over the side of the walkway and hopped down, shuddering as the mud she landed in seeped into her sandal boots. With Cravs so close to the beast, she didn't dare turn the blade to her lance on. Instead she reeled back then attempted to give it a good thwap across to the side of it's toothy mug

Random! Rising Lotus rolls a 224.

Cravendy Hound - Thwap! The beast is taken aback by Rising’s attack and, being young and inexperienced, decides to hightail it outta there. Cravs is taken along for the ride.

Cravendy Hound: “Overgrown, squid-looking plant bastard - argh!” As she’s dragged along the ground, she fumbles for her pistol and attempts to send a couple of rounds towards her captor.

Random! You roll a 55.

Cravendy Hound misses. Even worse, she drops her gun. Cravs goes limp, just...unable to take much more embarrassment.

(Cravendy Hound) lmao the RNG gods have something against me today xD ))

Rising Lotus grinned at the direct hit, quickly grimacing after it took off with Cravs in tow. "Oh gods damnit!" with a huff and a twist of her wrist the aetherial blade sparked alive. "Alright, uh, Cravs! Try to keep yourself high!" she was able to easily keep up with the stropper's wiggling legs, and when she got in range she aimed a mighty swipe across it's lower half, hoping to separate its top half from its bottom half.

(Rising Lotus) Random! 957 (Rising Lotus) That's causee the all the luck is mine \o/ )) (Cravendy Hound) all the luck!!! ))

Cravendy Hound - The swing separates the stroper into two. On both ends, its limbs continue to wiggle around like landlocked eels, but despite its continued movement, the monster is clearly dead. Or at least downed - who knows how malboros work.

Cravendy Hound gets up, completely covered in mud and malboro slime. She wipes her face clean with the side of her arm, revealing a very pissed off expression. For a moment, she simply stands there, dazed. She had said so herself earlier, that something bad was going to happen...but there was no preparing for something like this. Eventually, she glances over at Rising.

Cravendy Hound: “.............That happened.”

Rising Lotus quite pleased with her slice, she started to the the lifeless maw to help Cravs up, though didn't make much distance before she got up on her own. As she stowed her spear, she was doing her absolute best to not laugh as she saw the woman wearing a nice coat of ooze. It was when Cravs cleaned her face she lost her composure, snickering softly at first but quickly bursting into full out bellowing laughter.

Rising Lotus: " I-I-I'm sorry! I-I Am!" she started to snort a bit as she laughed, quickly cupping a hand to her mouth as her cheeks blushed a bit. "R-Really...aha... I'm glad you're alright!" she snorted once more before her laughter started to ease down.

Cravendy Hound is as still as a statue, save for the mud that slorgs down her body at a painfully slow speed. Cravs then lets her head go limp as a sort of mischievous intent grows within her. Once Rising is done laughing, she lifts her head back up with an evil grin on her face. “OH, oho...no need to apologize! After all, ye saved my ‘ide. Now let me give ye a proper thank ye.”

Cravendy Hound spreads her slime and mud covered arms, and then tries to hug (though it’s more of a tackle) Rising to the ground.

Rising Lotus "N-Now wai-" she had just put up her hands to try and halt Cravendy's assault when her muddy form smacked against Rising, both of them falling onto the ground with a splat. Rising laid there motionless for a few moments as Cravs pinned her down before. "You ass!" she finally blurted out, scrambling to push the sea wolf off of her now mud covered self.

Cravendy Hound is already one with the mud - she cannot be muddied any further. She cackles gleefully as she’s pushed over. “Thank ye kindly, oh noble adventurer!” It takes a good while for her to calm down enough to do anything but laugh from the ground. When she’s finally able to get up, she plods over to pick up her gun and flicks the mud off of it. “Ahh...haha. Hah.”

Rising Lotus quickly sat up after Cravs was pushed off, the entire back of her form coated in the sludge. The front was covered quite a bit too, front the tackle hug and the stuff the the ground that seeped over. As she tried to get up she shuddered, the openness of her outfit probably to blame. "Ugh...it's.. it's.." she shuddered once more. Needless to say she'd need a deep cleaning.

Cravendy Hound: “If we ‘ike to the end of the trail, all of this shits gonna ‘arden on us like a second skin. I’m ‘eadin’ back afore that ‘appens,” Cravs states as she gives her gun a good lookover. Poor thing had mud clogging up its every opening, and water was never good for metal. Better hurry. She turns to Rising. “A dip in the pools round the Lavender Beds should be enough.”

Rising Lotus nodded. "Aye.. probably don't want us trackin' this through the house either..." she started scraping off as much as she could. "Gods, it was bad enough the first time this happened.." she stomped through the muck to the shore, boots full of mud by now. "Though last time this happened it wasn't friendly fire." she shot a sneer toward Cravs, chuckling softly soon after.

Cravendy Hound - With every step, the two became less Roegadyn and more akin to mudmen. And on their way back to the FC, many civilians, just going on their day to day lives, would stop to stare. Thankfully, the walk wasn’t especially long, and the lake surrounding the Lavender Beds would do a fine job of washing them clean, though the stench lingered. A proper bath was certainly necessary after the fact.

[if-found-return-to-gusu]

The Other Shoe

(OOC: Mild content warning. WWX is spiraling here. No threat of self harm but dealing with severe risk of mental shut down)

-------------------

I’m not ready to talk about this.

I don’t know. 

I should have seen this coming. There really was no other way this could end.

So the other shoe dropped. It just wasn’t on the foot I was expecting. 

I’m… I’m probably being dramatic. 

But I didn’t expect it to hurt this much. 

Maybe it was because I actually didn’t see this coming. At least not now. 

---

I’m okay if I’m not alone. But I can’t expect someone to babysit me.

I don’t mean like I’m gonna do anything to myself or anything….. But actually that’s the problem.

I’m not going to do anything. Nothing. Just like before.

That time too.. This was why…

I’m not ready to talk about this. 

But I have to talk about it. 

The day… I was so nervous but I was so happy. And at first it went so good. 

It was Jiang Cheng’s birthday, which meant it was going to be the opposite of mine. A fancy shindig. A how-to-do of the who’s who.

But for the first time in years his parents weren’t going to be there. Uncle Jiang was out of the country and Madam Yu was off at a charity event. Apparently Jiang Cheng and Shijie had convinced her not to cancel because the publicity would be better for her to be at the event than at his birthday. 

I haven’t been to one of these since… well since before I was kicked out even. They took me to some sometimes when they needed to use me as a prop to show how generous they were but it was never one I wanted to go to. And it was never his or Shijie’s birthdays. 

We’d hold our own parties anyway. Just the three of us off by the lotus ponds. Those… those were the best. We were happy. 

I bought a suit. It’s ruined now. But I bought one. I bought it with my own money. Not the birthday money. Can’t bring myself to touch that. I bought it with my own money. 

It’s ruined now. 

Sorry I already wrote that.

I bought it for the party. I didn’t want to be an embarrassment. I was finally getting to be with my family. My family. 

I’m an embarrassment. I tried so hard. But of course I ruined everything anyway. 

I’m nobody. Nothing. 

I should never have…. 

To think I thought I might actually find a place there. 

Not with the rich folks. I know that I won’t fit there. But with Jiang Cheng. In his real circle. In his real life. 

But I’m… I can’t be there. I’m a shadow on the sidelines of his life. Someone who just shows up and breaks everything. 

I’ve probably made things so much worse for him. 

I never should have gone to that party. I shouldn’t have answered when he called me. I shouldn’t have let him find me at all. 

All of the Jiangs… they’re better without me blackening their name. They didn’t really ask for me. They just needed a kid. Any kid would do. And they were unlucky enough to be landed with me. I should have stayed in the system. 

I should have run away.

I should have….

No no stop it. This is the spiral I’m trying to avoid! No Stop it!

-----

Sorry. Sorry. This is just… It’s not as bad as it was before. Before I had nothing. I have so much now. I have the Wens. And the Lan brothers. And new treasured memories with my siblings and my niece and nephew. Even if I probably won’t get any more. Even if… even if this is all I’ll get I’ll treasure each stolen moment. 

It’s not as bad as when Wen Qing found me. But it FEELS like it. Just… everything she said to me… everything is rushing back. And it’s just like it was before. 

But no it’s not. I’m not 18 anymore. It’s been 10 years. 11. I’m not some poor kid with no connections or money. I’m not alone. 

I’m not alone

I’m not alone 

I am not alone. 

I. Am. Not. Alone.

Keep saying it. Keep saying it. Remind yourself. Put it on a piece of paper. Paste it on the walls. 

I am not alone. 

I’m okay. I’m home alone. And it’s okay. I’ll post this so I can be okay. 

Even if I’m alone in my apartment it doesn’t mean I’m alone.  

I’m not alone. I’m not unloved. I’m not without family. 

I need to remember this now while I’m in the light so I can remember it in the dark. 

Okay. Okay. 

I bought a suit so I could go to the party. Jiang Cheng offered to buy one for me but I didn’t let him. He probably would have bought a nicer one, but I think I did an okay job. I didn’t stick out like a sore thumb at least. 

Everything started out so well. I got a lift to the place and managed to get myself inside with my own golden ticket. 

(Yes i know. Invitations to a birthday party. Legit invitation only access. Rich people are just like that™.

But I got in. And there they were. Jiang Cheng was looking smart in royal purple. Never have seen anyone who could pull off that color as well as him. Shijie was next to him in a lovely lilac dress to match him. She’d left her kids at home with her husband. I could see her baby bump. She looked stunning.

And they looked…. They were happy to see me. Jiang Cheng bumped my shoulder and said he was surprised I actually showed up and that he was afraid he’d have to collect me himself. 

I wanted to give him a noogie. Didn’t.

I wasn’t going to ruin this. 

I did anyway. But not yet. Not yet. 

Most of the party went fine. I mingled with some people. Lan Xichen was there. It’s always nice to see him. He’s so pleasant to talk to and seems at home with the mindless smalltalk. His poker face is on point. Nie Huaisang was there which was a very welcome sight after all the gold bars dancing around pretending they gave two shits about my shidi. I didn’t seek him out too much though. We always end up giggling and drawing attention when we’re together. I couldn’t afford to fuck this up. I was determined.

He seemed to understand. Huaisang, you’re a great friend. You really are. I’m sorry… 

Ugh. 

Okay 

It was all going smoothly even if it was a bit dull. There was some elevator music going on and like expensive champagne flutes being carted around. I didn’t take any even though I wanted to down the lot to try and calm my fucking nerves.

People were mingling. Mindless chatter. Meaningless pleasantries. Congratulations, Jiang Wanyin. To your health, Jiang Wanyin. All the Best, Jiang Wanyin. 

I wonder how many would have even remembered his name if it hadn’t been on the invitation. 

But I was doing well until the gold-painted cinder block parading as a gold bar showed up. 

JIn… Zi something. I refuse to remember his name. Jin ZiXuan’s shitty cousin. The one who makes the peacock seem like the greatest guy in the world to hang out with. The guy whose flunkies stabbed me. Captain Constipation himself. 

I managed to make it the first couple hours without bumping into him. Because of course he’d be there. All the great families were there and he is, unfortunately, pretty high up on the Jin food chain. 

It was almost dinner time. I know that. We were gonna be shuffling off to the dining room.I was headed that way when he slammed into me “accidentally’ spilling his drink all over me. It wasn’t champagne. It was something made to stain. My suit is ruined. That’s not important. 

He did some fake apology. Then started going off about he’s surprised I was there. Surprised I was let in with such a tacky suit. Didn’t know this event let in nobodies. 

I took it until he started going in on Jiang Cheng. Saying if he was willing to associate with the lowest of the low like me then what was he really worth. 

I tried. I wanted to just get past him but he wouldn’t let me. 

I got a bit more forceful but I wasn’t gonna hit him. I knew better. I wasn’t gonna hit him because that’s what he wanted. But I had to get past him. So I pushed a little. 

And apparently that was enough. He had a couple flunkies (Not the one that stabbed me) come grab at me, saying he was gonna press charges and that he was gonna have to burn his suit to get the poor off of it and that I needed to reimburse him. 

Something tore as I tried to get at him. I’d had enough. He wasn’t gonna let me go without a fight then he was gonna get his fucking fight. It didn’t matter anymore. The ruckus was starting to draw people back out from the dining room. He wasn’t exactly being quiet. And then neither was I. 

I just wanted to leave. That’s all I wanted to do. I wasn’t even gonna go to the dinner. I was just gonna text Jiang Cheng that something came up and thanks for inviting me and happy birthday and I was gonna go. 

But then

I hadn’t seen her in 10 years. 

She’s still just as terrifying.

Madam Yu. 

Jin Zixun let me go all of a sudden and I knew something was up. And then I heard him bow to someone behind me. All dignified respectability. And when I looked there she was. 

I don’t even know how she found out I was even there. 

She screamed at me. She always screamed at me. Jiang Cheng came out then at the sound of his mother’s voice. 

He tried to defend me. But there is no defence against Madam Yu. And she didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. 

I’m nothing but trouble. I cause pain and disruption wherever I go. I can’t help it. I’m a walking disaster. Eventually I find a way to ruin everything. I can’t even go to a party without someone I’ve managed to piss off finds me. 

I don’t know when to shut up. I don’t know how to behave. I am a spot on Jiang Cheng’s reputation. 

How dare I contact her son? How dare I take advantage of his kind heart. 

Jiang Cheng tried to defend me. 

It just made it worse.

Because I am a parasite. I take and I take and what do I have to give back? Nothing.

What can I possibly do to repay the kindness others have given me? Nothing.

Nothing I can do will be enough. I can’t pay back my debt. 

I’m only alive at all through the kindness of others and I repay them only with shame. 

She screamed and screamed but never raised her voice. She is too dignified for that. But all the same she was screaming. 

She found out that Jiang Cheng had got me my phone. She smashed it on the ground. 

She blamed me for trying to poison her son against her. 

Apparently… Apparently he had talked to her after he read my blog. I didn’t know that. 

I hadn’t meant for him to find out but he did. And they fought.

I’m just making things worse for the Jiangs. I’m just creating tension where there doesn’t need to be any. If I’d just stayed away… 

She told me….

She told me if I ever went near her son again she would file a restraining order. She told me that she would have me imprisoned if she had to. She told me that I was a disgrace.

I ran. 

I ran and ran.

I think I heard some people run after me. 

I was faster. 

I ran. 

Just like before I ran. 

Just like before. 

This was just like before. 

Why did I not see this coming? 

Jiang Cheng had to sell his apartment. He’s not allowed to come to Gusu for anything not directly related to business. 

He’s not allowed to see me. 

I’m not allowed to see him. 

I ran. 

I’ve made everything worse again. 

I thought it had been long enough. Jiang Yanli is successfully married off just like Madam Yu wanted. Jiang Cheng is following his father’s footsteps and he’s flourishing just like Madam Yu wanted.

I thought just… just one party would be safe. I see them so little. But it was too greedy. 

I’m always too greedy. 

I take. All I do is take. 

I have nothing worth giving. So I take and take and take. 

I… I ran home first. I think I took a bus but I don’t remember most of the trip. I don’t know how long I was there. I was starting to shut down already. It didn’t happen that fast before. It was more than just Madam Yu before. Before I was lost and alone and starving. I was sick. I had tried to fight for a long time before I started shutting down.

I’m so pathetic I can’t even handle a scolding now. I’m so weak. I’m not sick. I’m not homeless. I’m not alone. And still I can feel it looming. 

I’m afraid to be alone because if I slip back under I don’t know if I’ll come back out. 

I’m scared. 

I’m scared.

So I ran again. As soon as I realized what was happening I ran. 

I didn’t have a way to contact him. I just ran and ran and ran. 

I should have called a car. Or at least taken my skateboard. I didn’t think of it. I couldn’t think

I couldn’t think of anything except that I needed him. I needed to not be alone. 

So I ran. 

By the time I showed up at Lan Zhan’s house I honestly felt like I was dying. I could hardly breathe and there was a stitch in my side so sharp I almost felt like I’d been stabbed again. 

But that was good. That kept me aware. It kept me moving. It kept me from shutting down. 

I all but slammed on his door. He looked so shocked. He looked scared. 

I… I don’t really remember a lot of it. I know I was at the door and then suddenly I was in his lap on the couch. And I was sobbing like a baby. A graceless wail. Shuddering, jerking sobs. 

I don’t know how long I was there. I know we talked. I think I tried to tell him what happened but I didn’t want to think about it. I couldn’t think about it. 

I probably made no sense. Probably just scared him even more. 

I calmed down eventually. Somewhat anyway. Externally at least. 

He was so gentle with me. Even though I burst in on his night. Even though there had to be a million things he’d rather have been doing. Lan Zhan is so good. He’s too good to me. 

I don’t deserve it. 

He said something to me. I don’t remember anymore but I know I responded reasonably. But he was so gentle. I started crying again and he just let me. He comforted me. 

At some point he wrapped me up in a blanket and he put Suibian in my lap. That helped for a minute. She’s so sweet. She’s at least one creature in this world I can do something good for. Even if it’s just helping feed her and pet her where she likes.  

He left to make me some hot chocolate. Hot chocolate that he only has in his apartment because I like it. He doesn’t drink it.

I don’t deserve him. I don’t deserve any of this. 

I don’t deserve anything.

I’m not worth it. Not worth it. 

I should have left but I couldn’t get myself to move. I think I was still petting Suibian. I don’t remember. I don’t… I don’t know what happened there but the next thing I was aware Lan Zhan was in front of me, looking slightly panicked. 

He said something but I couldn’t answer. I couldn’t respond.

He sat next to me and pulled me close. 

It helped. I started to talk

I tried to tell him what happened. I didn’t make any sense. 

He must have understood some of it though. He was shaking.

Was he angry? Did he agree with her? Did he finally realize how worthless I am? How I’ll only ever drag him down? 

He pulled away from me. Clearly he was disgusted. 

I panicked. I didn’t want him to go. I didn’t want to be alone.

I begged him to stay with me. I was panicking. I didn’t know what I’d do if he left me then. I was so scared. 

Please. Please. Please. 

Don’t leave me alone.

“Not alone. Never alone. I promise,” he said.

He sat back down. And I sobbed again.

I cried and cried and cried. I think he held me again. I think I remember being on his lap.

I cried and cried and cried until eventually I fell asleep.

But sleep was okay. Sleep was safe. Sleep is a reprieve. I won’t stop if I’m asleep.

I’m afraid of stopping. Not of sleeping. Sleep was safe.

Especially with Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan is safe. Lan Zhan keeps me safe.

Lan Zhan won’t leave me alone. 

He promised. 

I slept and slept and slept. 

I don’t remember falling asleep but I remember waking up in Lan Zhan’s bed. He was holding me. It was sunny outside. Peering through the window. 

Everything was fuzzy. My mind, my vision, my nerves. Everything was buzzing. My eyes were sore. My head was throbbing. 

Lan Zhan was there. He promised he wouldn’t leave me alone. Lan Zhan is safe. Lan Zhan is honest. Lan Zhan keeps his promises. 

Lan Zhan promised me I wouldn’t be alone. So I’m not alone. 

I twisted so I could bury my face in his chest. I could feel his strength under his sleep shirt. I could feel his heart beating against my skin.

Thump-bum. Thump-bump. Thump-bum.

I focused on that sound. 

He asked me what I wanted to eat. I could feel his voice shaking around in his chest.  I didn’t want to eat anything. The thought of it twisted my stomach. It made an unpleasant noise. I didn’t want to eat. I just wanted to sleep more.

Sleep was safe. Lan Zhan was safe. I was warm and secure. I just wanted to sleep.

But then he mentioned that Qin Su had made my favorite chocolate turnovers. 

ANd I realized

Work. We were late for work! I’d fucked up again. God Damnit.

I shot up. I couldn’t keep ruining things! 

Lan Zhan said that we didn’t have work today. That he’d had it covered. 

I told him he couldn’t just keep putting off work for me like this. 

He shook his head and repeated “Not today.” And then he looked at me and told me that it was a family emergency.

And… 

I think that broke me. 

It was too much. I do nothing but take but I couldn’t take this. I’d ruined one family already by trying to join it. I wouldn’t ruin him. 

I told him that we weren’t family. That I don’t have a family. 

I won’t have a family. I don’t want to ruin anyone else. 

I cried again I think. I don’t know for how long. I don’t know how I even had any tears left. 

He held me the entire time.

I cried. 

Eventually I ran out of tears again and even felt the knot in my stomach loosen enough that I thought I might be able to handle some food. 

Lan Zhan said he was gonna go get me something. I hadn’t eaten since the morning before. 

He got up to leave again. Because he can’t stay in front of me 24 hours a day. 

I know that

But I panicked again. 

I grabbed his arm. I just needed to make sure. Lan Zhan is safe, but I had to make sure. 

I asked him if he was going to come back.

He smoothed my hair away from my face and promised he would.

I nodded and forced myself to let go. He left for a moment. He just went down the hall. I could hear his footsteps. I sat there and listened. If I could still hear him I wasn’t alone yet. 

He came back quickly and dumped bunnies on the bed with me. Suibian and Bichen. 

It made me laugh a little. He actually got me to laugh. My chest felt lighter even for just that moment. 

Suibian curled up next to me right away. I had to coax Bichen over. She looked uncertain but eventually gave in. 

I laid on my side and she curled up against my tummy.

They helped. They helped for a little.

But…

I… My thoughts started to spiral again. I was slipping again.

I didn’t even realize Lan Zhan was back until all of a sudden he was holding me again.  I pressed closer to him. 

I wasn’t alone. 

I’m not alone. 

I’m not.

He told me he’d brought food. I eventually found the strength to sit up to eat them.

The chocolate turnovers that Qin Su made for me. One of my favorites.

I couldn’t taste them. But she made them for me. That wasn’t lost on me. She made them to make me feel better. 

I’m not alone. 

Lan Zhan pulled the hair tie out of my hair. Very carefully. And he started to brush my hair. I must have looked like a mess.

He was so careful and gentle. It felt so nice. 

He kept going even after he got all the tangles out.

I felt better. 

I thanked him for taking such good care of me but before I could finish that thought we hear---

JEEZUS FUCK. Sorry. There’s someone at the door??? Who would be here this late??

I’ll finish this later.

[eyeslikefoxglove]

Episode 14 - WangXian are a (v soft) Battle Couple & Foxglove is hella mad

Hi! Welcome to episode 14. I should be studying. It’s day two of morning runs, so my soul has left my body already, send help. Yesterday I went to buy plants with my mum and got so excited I just whacked on a bunch of eyeshadow because I haven’t seen the outside in weeks, I’m also wearing makeup today, because I have nowhere to go, but I really need to finish this bb cream before it goes bad, so my parents are getting my full fresh faced “woke up like this and put on mascara” routine (which is a fucking lie because I’m wearing at least three blushes and two highlighters). I’m determined to get this bitch down in under five minutes so I can have another five to do eyeshadow, I have way too much eyeshadow to not wear it (I have way too much everything except maybe mascara and eyebrow stuff).

Yes, if y’all were wondering I am in fact a makeup magpie. ANYWAY BACK TO THE ACTUAL THING WE ALL CAME HERE FOR.

(Btw further down I discuss once again how shitty I think the Yunmeng sibs’ parents are if that causes an issue for you)

Ok ok ok, so I was talking with damnpoe-2187 here about how we found that sometimes WWX crossed from gremlin into asshole when he tried to get LWJ riled up. Like in the Cold Springs, putting our shippers hearts aside, that was a dick move and he should have stopped undressing the second LWJ went from annoyed to incredibly uncomfortable. I find this scene the complete opposite, a show of character development if you will. It is kind of similar in that they’re both hurt, and alone (although this time is much more serious) and there was some undressing going on; however WWX here behaves like a fool in love considerate person and knowing how uncomfortable LWJ already is tries to make it easier for him. They’re also super soft and I’m weak.

A brief interlude from my one track mind: That pond is full of corpses isn’t it? Or at least the remnants of the Murder Turtle’s meals I suppose. Damn right WWX should not have gone into the water with an open wound, but think no one should go swimming in there without a full hazmat suit tbh (I want to pump them full of antibiotics at this point ngl)

So I love this tiny montage (is it even a montage) of the, getting themselves ready to kill the Murder Turtle.

Teamwooooooork.

Listen, I have read a few fics in which their mind-meld stays in place due to reasons and I need me more of those.

Ok, turtles don’t work that way, but then again, giant murder snake-Trex-turtle so that’s low on my list of priorities. What’s not low is the fact that this guy is knee deep into pretty much a mass grave and I want to take a few showers just watching him.

Yeah, I know exactly what he’s smelling and suddenly I hope I don’t have meat for lunch today tbh.

The screaming sword has always been fucking creepy and does LWJ’s fist clench mean that he’s also hearing them?

BATTLE COUPLE! BATTLE COUPLE! BATTLE COUPLE!

So I know killing the thing took them something like six hours. And while it feels quite a long time in the show, I think that, if they cut the scene with idk, JC running towards Lotus Pier, then back to them, then back to JC, but now the sun is in a different position, back to them, but now the blood from LWJ’s hand has dripped down his arm; and so on a so forth it’d convey more clearly how long it took for the Murder Turtle to die. I know fuck all about cinematography tho so feel free to ignore all this if it is in fact an abomination.

Tiiiiiiny interlude here to say that Yiling Patriarch!WWX is probably one of my favourite character archetypes. He’s slightly creepy, slightly amoral (smiling while torturing and murdering bad guys is still amoral ok), more than a bit on the Dark Side, cocky, smirky, a bit of an asshole a BAMF, a rebel with cause and yet he will still do the right thing, not despite his nature, but because of it. He’s kind of like a Chipped Spike? But you know, he doesn’t need electroshock to behave.

I just want a fic where he’s this Dark Lord of Evil in everyone’s eyes however the ‘good guys’ take a break from trying to off him because a bigger threat just popped up and they have no choice but to ask for his help. He agrees, keeps being his charming self while also saving everyone’s asses, LWJ is smitten.

TL;DR: The Necromancer is hot. Oh and nobody dare deny LWJ has a Yiling Patriarch kink.

Oh my, this is the part when I always get teary eyed.

WUJI ON A CELLO? DO YOU WANT TO KILL ME?

“Why hasn’t Jiang Cheng shown up and rescued me yet?” THIS IS ALL THE PROOF I NEED THAT WWX IS THE BABY SIBLING.

“Lan Zhan sing me a song”

IT IS HAPPENING, STAY FUCKING CALM EVERYBODY (I’m crying)

That slideshow of their best moments set to WuJi is a masterpiece, and also, it kind of drives home the point of “how tf did we go from flirting during summer camp to this mess”?

(Btw if that’s YiBo humming he’s got one hell of a deep voice)

Ok ok ok, so this moment had me spitting up my tea the first time I watched it. Believe it or not my dumbass thought these people were actually serious with the censorship and we’d get scraps of their actual relationship. Lots of charged moments like in some other western tv shows I’ve seen when two dudes have chemistry but “they’re not gay”, no longing glances, no tender touches, no being unbelievably soft with each other; just you know, amped up, because if I’m not mistaken you can be arrested in China for “promoting the gay”. I mean, they changed the beginning when people insult MXY’s sexuality to insulting his mental health; no one would think “ah yes, the gays are good” when they hear it used as a slur, but they still erased it completely. One of the things I thought they’d fully take away was WangXian, I mean, the into/outro is named Wuji, which, you know, still a mishmash of their names, but not their ship name. It is such a significant part of the story with all the “what’s the song name? Figure it out yourself” that if something were going to give away that they’re married with a kid it would be that. I thought we’d get an artful fade to black BEFORE LWJ would say the name not after. And also, YiBo is enunciating it so clearly that, even with the sound muffled and the blurriness I, who don’t speak Chinese, can make out the two syllables. That’s deliberate, I can say “WangXian” loud and clear without moving my lips too much. At this point in time I must assume someone in charge of looking for censorship violations in the show is a fan and just ignored it.

Censorship person 1: dude, isn’t that a bit too gay, maybe you shouldn’t greenlight it.

Censorship person 2: shut the fuck up, sit here and watch.

*a full rundown of the whole of CQL later*

Censorship person 1: oh my god they’re so in love and they deserve to be happy.

Back to the commentary: I’m sorry but I have a mighty need of a WWX & Peacock friendship ok? This might be me just wanting WWX and LWJ to make other friends besides each other but I think that the Peacock is just bitchy enough to not take any of WWX’s bullshit.

And the Yunmeng bros timing for banter strikes yet again.

That’s terrible quality fake blood btw.

@ Yunmeng disciples: STOP SHOOTING FUCKING KITES PLEASE AND THANK YOU

Oooof even with a change of clothes our boy is still looking rough as hell.

MY LOVELY YUNMENG SIBS BEING SOFT AND HAPPY WITH EACH OTHER.

It hurts my soul that the second JFM starts praising WWX for surviving the Murder Turtle our boy’s knee-jerk reaction is to start praising JC in return. It is instinctive, how many times must this have happened for him to know his brother won’t even get scraps of praise? (Seriously fuck their parents)

It was going so well, I mean, JFM had a point warning him to not say things in anger. But I thought he was going to tell him that it is because sometimes he’ll hurt someone without wanting to, yet, this asshole decided to, once again, remind his kid he thinks he’s a failure.

And here comes Mme Yu who I can only assume had a servant posted at the door to warn her when WWX woke so she could throw some verbal abuse at him. I mean, she must have been missing it.

And JFM’s misogynistic bullshit strikes once again, because why defend ALL your kids when you can insult your wife.

(Every time someone berates WWX for “intervening” I want to scream. I mean, seeing this I can believe why the society as a whole thought genocide was a good idea.)

I love how they use their kids as props in their fight, I mean it’s not like they have feelings or anything. This woman is gaslight-y as hell too “you don’t love your kid because I gave birth to him”, you can’t tell me saying that in front of the son she’s supposed to love isn’t going to hurt him. And she knows it, I mean, besides the Wen attack I’ve never seen her hit the kids (although I very much doubt she hasn’t), so a good part of the abuse must be verbal. There’s no fucking way a person who regularly uses words that way won’t realise where she’s aiming those arrows. Which means to her (to both) the kids are collateral.

But FR, the barely-out-of-adolescence disaster bi necromancer PTSDing all over the place and living in a mass grave was a better parent than any of the current adults in this thing.

Which brings me to another point, Shijie is textbook “the oldest sibling is just another parent” and I’m making myself very angry.

[this is when I start frothing at the mouth and itching to write a modern-girl(and friends)-dropped-in-CQL because someone has to be a positive adult influence in these kids’ lives and it sure as shit ain’t the ones in the actual show.]

CAN WE STOP BRINGING PEOPLE’S DEAD PARENTS INTO THE FIGHT?

*deep breath*

I am going to feed JFM & Mme Yu each other’s spleens. Look, listen, look and listen, let’s first talk about how calmly they lay out the facts of their lives, one is only loved because he’s been brought up in the shadow of his dead parents, the other knows with certainty his father dislikes him and his mother uses him as leverage in marital disputes. When have these two not exploded their emotions all over the place? Fucking never. Yet here they are, talking about this bullshit like some bout of inconvenient weather. They’re used to it!

And now let’s talk about yet again siblings-are-just-extra-parents, with an added pile of WWX’s terrible self awareness that, to the man who brought him up, his worth is due to his dead parents. Again I’m extrapolating, but with the amount of times Mme Yu brings up his parents in such a negative light I refuse to believe JFM hasn’t made all the “you’re so much like your parents” comments to him every time WWX does something right. I mean, telling an orphan about their parents if they ask is a good thing, but WWX seems starved for stories about his them, which leads me to believe JFM refuses to talk about the topic except to make those little comments. What a fucking stellar way to give someone all the trauma if you ask me. May also explain a lot of WWX’s self worth issues if the biggest praise he’s ever heard is that he resembles dead people, yes, people who were loved, but they’re dead, and it doesn’t look like any adult has bothered to go and differentiate WWX from ZSSR&WCZ.

I’m just really mad, despite all the silly anecdotes I put in here my parents are fucking great at parenting, so I know what good parents should look like, and this ain’t it.

Ok, so I made myself angry and I don’t know if I should move onto the next episode now or wait till tomorrow but thanks for reading!

[mysaldate]

(UM seduction methods anon here) Im in awe over how much you write for so many character, every day! Do you have any hc on how they live? (where they live? living conditions?) BUT please dont push yourself or anything either!

Thank you so much for worrying about me! I’m simply trying to do my very best for all of you! And thank you also for such wonderful and original requests!

The living conditions of the Upper Moons headcanons

Daki&Gyuutaro

This one will be short since we know quite a lot about them. They’ve lived in the red lights district for their whole lives. In the streets and usually with little more than just their clothes on but they had each other.

They stayed in even after they became a demons. No surprise, there’s plenty of food and nobody will really care if a couple girls disappears.

They don’t have separate rooms of course. These two are literally inseparable so of course they wouldn’t bother with something like that. There’s nobody to tease them about it either since people are not aware of there even being two of them and as for their fellow demons, those just don’t care. Except maybe for Douma but he wouldn’t tease them about it.

We got to see their room so there’s not much to be said about the decorations either. Daki is a stylish girl and she likes to show it off even in the way she sets up their room – even if nobody much gets to see it.

Kaigaku

He never really had much of a home per say. He became an orphan at a young age (if he wasn’t abandoned as a baby already) and then was chased out of Gyomei’s temple as well. Jigoro took him in but unfortunately enough, that relationship didn’t really work out either. Strangely enough, he felt most at home when he was outside, travelling from one mission to another.

After he became a demon, he stayed with Kokushibou for a short period of time but that was just before Muzan approved of his existence. After that, he had to find his own territory – which wasn’t really too hard anyway. He picked a run-down old house as his shelter from the sun for the day but he didn’t really care much how it looked, at least not at first.

It’s not that he wouldn’t like company but there’s not really anyone to share his place with. Humans wouldn’t hang out with him, other demons literally can’t. Other Upper Moons won’t.

He first didn’t care at all how the place looked but after some time, he decided that since he didn’t have anything to do during the day anyway, he could at least try to decorate the place a bit. So while the sun is up, he does little things inside, like sweeping the floors or painting the walls. He even learnt to sew to make curtains. And at night, when he’s not out hunting, he does other reparations. Even he is surprised by how much fun he can have, giving the place a personal touch.

Gyokko

Being an artist, it’s not unlikely that he lived in an open, arid room before he became a demon. Lots of sunlight too. And occassionally, a companion or two but those never really stuck around for long. His place was filled with various unfinished art pieces.

Now that he’s a demon, he can’t have the luxury of a sunny appartment. His pots, however, work as a little pocket dimension so that’s an upgrade? Of sorts? It doesn’t really have a set shape either, it’s a little bit like Nakime’s Infinity Fortress but shapeless, like the walls are made of water or another liquid and constantly change form.

He lives with plenty of goldfish. The entire place is nearly filled with aquariums of various shapes and forms. You know how people make mazes for hamsters, guinea pigs or even cats? Well, those are nothing when compared to the lengths Gyokko goes to for his fishies. It’s not just glass, coloured or plain, either. Sometimes he would use the nichirin blades or pretty hairpieces of his victims’ to decorate the elaborate fishtanks as well. If a human ever strays in, it’s the last thing they say.

Gyokko LOVES decoration. Aside from his fishtanks, he has numerous statues, paintings and just about everything else you can think of. Both handmade and stolen. For his handmade art, he usually uses bodies or bodyparts of his victims, possibly their blood too. It serves both as an artpiece and a food reserve just in case he ever gets to a position where he’s forced to starve. Surprisingly enough, his pots are great at preserving things. Oh, and let’s not forget about the amount of detail he puts to the exterior of his pots! 

Hantengu

Back when he was a human, he didn’t really have a home, naturally. He couldn’t afford it. And most people wouldn’t let him stay more than one night, chasing him out often with sticks and stones. He had to travel all the time and preferably somewhere far away where the rumors about him didn’t reach yet. Due to this, he becomes restless when he has to spend a long time in one place.

Now, as a demon, he also doesn’t stay in one place all the time. He usually sneaks in a house, kills the family and stays there for a few days before moving on to the next one. Some of his other personalities, namely Sekido and Karaku, find this a little useless and bothersome but they wouldn’t really fight him on it.

Speaking of whom, his other personalities split when they have time to be alone as well, taking care of him and the house. It’s a great way to keep him safe as well since at least one of them is always on guard for possible intruders. They get along... somewhat well. There are the usual conflicts between Sekido and the others. Karaku is careless about their cover, Yoroko likes to make pranks on them and Aizetsu tends to lock himself in his room for hours on end. Poor Sekido is left with the task of housework, making sure they don’t get discovered too soon, acting as the voice of reason... and he still has to go out hunting and stay on guard when it’s his turn.

Yoroko likes decorating stuff and Karaku loves to watch him but their taste is strange to everyone but them. Surprisingly enough, Hantengu as well as Aizetsu both can actually create rather beautiful tapestries and Zohakuten sometimes paints when Sekido is just too done with the three useless dorks.

Nakime

She used to be your typical hikikomori. Nakime spent all her time in her room, with nothing but a pile of books and her biwa. It wasn’t a big room either. While her room did have windows, she prefered them covered and read in the light of an oil lamp. As expected, it wasn’t too good for her eyes...

She lives in the Dimensional Infinity Fortress now. A place she can fully control and knows everything about, one that bends to her will and where she can transport anyone anywhere at any time, just as she wants. The only exception seems to be Muzan who comes and goes as he sees fit (at least until the current arc but y’all already know how I feel about that). It’s not that she minds it, she still knows where and when he enters and leaves and even if she didn’t, it’s not like he would ambush and kill her for no reason (right?).

Despite providing rooms specifically suited for the Upper Moons, she much enjoys her solitude. Even when they’re in and she has to keep an eye on them (I’m sorry, I’ll stop with the puns now), she keeps her distance. Try to annoy her, or even just seek her company, and you will mercilessly get thrown out. An exception, again, is Muzan. He doesn’t live there with  her though and only seeks her out when he has work for her to do.

Decoration of the rooms varies greatly, mostly based on what are they used for. Most of the Fortress is not decorated since Nakime sees no reason to waste time and effort on that. However, there are special parts that deserve special attention. Just as an example, there’s Muzan’s upside-down lab, Douma’s lotus pond, that traditional japanese area Kokushibou first appeared in... And of course, the execution platform that’s now decorated with the red of the Lower Moons’ blood.

Akaza

Again, we have a very good canon idea about his life as a human. First living with his father and then spending some time in the streets, he eventually ended up staying at Keizo’s house, taking care of Koyuki. He had his own room there too but it didn’t really matter because he spent most of his time by Koyuki’s side anyway. Rumor has it he dragged his futon to her once when she was having a nightmare and never moved out until she got all better.

He’s pretty much a street rat as of now, looking for challenges and new foes to fight for the most part. During the days, he usually stays still outside, in dense forests or deep caves. He’s not particularly picky. Sometimes he stays there during the night too, setting up a campfire and waiting for someone to wander close. For some reason, he doesn’t really like cities, especially during the festival season.

So yeah, he lives alone. At least usually he does. It’s not all that rare for Douma to find and bother visit him. He doesn’t want company. Getting attached would make him weak. The more people you care about, the easier it is to take advantage of you.

The only thing he cultivates in his surroundings is his own body. No, I’m not talking about the tattoos, though those certainly are a decoration as well. Rather, it’s his muscles and strength. However, he still prefers to have some manners over raw power, hence why he keeps refusing Douma’s more than generous offers to hunt down some girls together even if that could make him stronger.

Douma

Grew up in the temple in the forest. High up on a mountain overlooking a small town, it’s not a place with the most access to society. But cults are usually like that. When he was about three years old, his father planted two magnolia trees in the courtyard so that the place is a little more lively and the trees can grow tall to provide lots of shade in summer since the sun could be quite annoying. If only he knew...

Loyal as he is, Douma stays at the temple even now. He had it expanded a little and even had a lotus pond build right behind his room so he can calm his thoughts at least a bit after every session. He used to need it more than he does now, especially since he now also has the one made by Nakime that is way better and more spacious.

Canonically, there is at least one temple servant staying with Douma at the temple. But honestly, it wouldn’t be quite like him to satisfy himself with a single person. There’s probably a number of people taking care of the place, both temple servants and maidens. They also serve as a source of entertainment and possibly even as a last-resort snack just in case. There also used to be Kotoha and Inosuke for a short period of time but well...

While he is quite childish and it might sound just like him to go overboard with decorating stuff, that’s not entirely true. Really, the most he has is the skull closet with engraved golden door. That and the pot in which he planted Kotoha’s head but that one is a gift from Gyokko so it doesn’t really count.

Kokushibou

As with most of them, we were blessed with enough info on Kokushibou’s, or rather Michikatsu’s, homes. Growing up a samurai, he never had time to spare, little to no friends and a bride who was most likely found for him without him having any say in it, it’s really not that much of a surprise he would elect to leave it all behind and become a demon slayer since it gave him significantly more freedom.

Even as a demon, not much have changed. During the day, he stays at a mansion like the samurai lord he is, and at night, he goes out to hunt down the pests in the area, more often than not treating himself with a bountiful feast while he’s at it. He also has a room in the Infinity Fortress but like the majority of the Upper Moon demons (actually everyone but Douma), he enjoys his solitude way more.

He has a few servants at the mansion. Ones that get replaced every once in a while when they mysteriously disappear. But the salary is high enough to let any major rumors die out in a blink (I know, I promised, I’m sorry) so the most he has to deal with are whispers about him overworking his servants to the point where they rather abandon the money and run away under the cloak of the night.

You would probably find the house eerily plain but he’s used to it. The backyard is where he spends most of his time aside from his room and those two are the only actually decorated places in the house. And they’re still kept neat and practical for the most part. He rarely has anything that wouldn’t serve a purpose, both when it comes to items and people.

[coexistxcoldrain]

The Moon in Old Times

Title: The Moon in Old Times (AO3 Link, please visit! :) ) Author: yaoionshavedice / hes-only-tiny Rating: Explicit Warnings: Well, smut ...; mentioning of suicide Ship: Masato/Hiroki (MasaHiro) Words: ~10.000 Summary:  An onsen in the middle of nowhere, weird dreams of long forgotten times and oddly familiar memorial sites. Masato couldn't pinpoint the moment he thought he'd lost it. Maybe it had nothing to do with himself and everything to do with the appearance of this little brat from Tokyo who might or might not be shamelessly flirting with him. Notes: Not a native speaker! Please do give constructive criticism, I appreciate it! Also: kind of weird topic, I know. I’m also not an expert on all things Edo, unfortunately. So I hope you don’t mind tiny errors or anything that doesn’t make so much sense after all. Have fun :)

The Moon in Old Times

It had been hard – but not impossible – to find a nice traditional onsen that allowed tattoos. Obviously, that aspect had to have been one of my first concerns. I still had a spacious room with a private onsen here; however, I did enjoy using the public one first thing in the morning. When it was still freezing and dark outside. And considering how atmospheric the illuminated landscape melted into the steam rising up from the water … it was honestly a soul-healing experience. Cleansing, almost. I needed that, at least once a year.

It was on the dot 6am, maybe five minutes later. I had difficulties getting up early when on tour or during stressful weeks in general, but no such feelings when I was on vacation. I lay there, completely absorbed in my thoughts and the tingling sensation of the contrast between hot water and cool morning air; I’d almost missed the hesitant footsteps of someone with the same intentions I’d had.

When he entered the water, however, I realised I’d been lost in thought. I didn’t look. It just meant that my alone-time had already drawn to a close. You really shouldn’t stare when someone was about to enter the onsen, anyway.

A few minutes passed in silence as I concentrated further on the hazy, blurred surroundings and the pleasant feeling; but then the guy a couple of metres next to me raised his high voice with a clearing of his throat.

“Masato? Is that you?”

I couldn’t quite recall the voice though, so I turned my head in fear of seeing a full-on stranger sitting next to me; a fan. That was honestly the last thing I would have wanted right this second. I probably would have needed to change the ryokan, too. But no, sitting next to me, even if still awfully unexpected, was Moriuchi Hiroki; frontman of MY FIRST STORY and brother of one of my best friends.

That was … a coincidence.

“Oh, hey!” I spat out somewhat perplexed, seeing that I not exactly knew what else to say. Even though sitting naked inside an onsen with strangers and friends was part of the Japanese heritage – something as normal as it could get – here right now it remained kind of awkward. We were still the only ones here this morning and I knew him, but I didn’t really know him. Their band belonged to a different kind of generation of rock bands here in Japan. We briefly met on festivals, if we were lucky, but most of the time not even that. He wasn’t on very good terms with his brother, last time I checked, and Taka and I were good friends. That was it.

“That’s so funny that you’re here, too!” He grinned, or as far as I could make that out through the foggy night air. “Just on vacation?”

“Yeah,” I answered, still slightly taken aback by this new situation, “a few days. Just trying to relax a bit.”

“Me too,” Hiroki mused and nodded gently as if he had something on his mind but I didn’t say. I had actually just planned on remaining as silent as I could possibly manage during this holiday. Protect and heal my voice and just sweat out all this pent-up tension from all this unnecessary social interaction. I shook my head inwardly.

“So … I heard you just released a new album?” I asked only in order to have anything to say. It was release season after all, I thought I might have heard something along those lines, but honestly I just tried a shot in the dark. Next to me, however, he began nodding his head slowly.

“Been quite the year. I also needed a break.”

“I see …”

After that we fell kind of silent, though I talked myself into believing that it was because we enjoyed the relaxing warmth and silence, not because we were awkward as fuck. A few other men had joined us after a while, mostly elderly who honestly wouldn’t recognise any of us anyway. As it was time to go up again to get ready for the day, we briefly said our short goodbyes and I was sure I could feel his stares in my back when I left. But maybe I was just being paranoid.

***

I had started my day off slowly but breakfast went by pretty fast. And as I was launching in my room, clothed in a yukata, I noticed a curious pattern on the furniture and the wall cupboards. They weren’t just made out of smooth brown wood, as it was common for the interior of these old inns. There were delicate little flowers carved inside most of the surfaces. Nothing special to the fleeting eye of course, this ryokan was just a tad fancier than others, it would seem. Those, however, were lotus flowers. Significant in Buddhism and a lot of Asian countries in general. I wouldn’t have thought twice about it, were they not spread throughout the whole room. I just wondered if there was a deeper meaning than just ‘it looks fancy’ to this. But I’d also seen a few here and there in the lobby and dining room.

I shrugged, and having finished my green tea, I lazily got up. I wasn’t in the mood to read and there was still so much time left until lunch, so I decided to take a quick stroll through the little village.

Breathing in the fresh air of the still early day, I walked alongside the river. A small amount of rosy plum petals drifted with the stream downwards. It was a nice enough day, a bit cloudy and the cold wind cutting. There were few tourists in the streets, less than I’d expected, albeit it being such a picturesque little onsen village. Right out of picture-book-Edo. Lots of tiny shops, bathhouses and restaurants on each side of the river.

Lost in thought, I let my fingers trace the wooden handrail in the middle of the street that separated the sidewalk and the river. It made me realise how badly I’d needed this time off. No phone. No appointments. No one other than me and my thoughts.

And yet … here I was thinking about the brief encounter between Moriuchi Hiroki and me this morning. What a God damn coincidence. Something out of a screenplay, right? How was it possible that two people in the same business who knew each other ended up at the same place and at the same time? Ryo would probably laugh about this; endlessly amused. He was the one who actually kind of got along with Hiroki and his band, no matter the age gap. I knew that the guy looked up to us as musicians. Maybe even as much as he looked up to his brother and his band. We were almost on the same level after all. We’d both did Budokan. We’d both toured the world. We were friends. If Hiroki were to strive to be like someone, I wouldn’t be surprised if it would be us.

I’d been so absorbed by my thoughts that I hadn’t noticed the little shrine at the end of the path that had slowly but steadily come into sight. It was a cosy, little thing. Overgrown with soft looking green moss here and there. It basically completed the picture of this fascinating Edo-looking village.

I bowed subtly before I entered through the torii on the left hand side. I hadn’t expected to visit a shrine on this trip; I wasn’t even particularly religious or fond of traditions. Sure, I did visit the local shrine on New Year’s day. But that was about it. Something inside of me, however small, told me to stay. I suddenly felt a warm feeling of understanding and calmness reach my chest. I just laid the blame on the fact that I’d felt so relaxed coming here in the first place. That feeling had to have come from that, right?

There weren’t even any tourists or local people on the shrine grounds. And even though I wondered why that was, I decided that I liked this situation a lot better than otherwise and opted to ignore it. Coming from a big city, it was so rare to see anything like that.

I went through the motions of washing my hands and mouth at the little well, cleanse my body with the incense and then went to pray. Something you internalised as a Japanese person. Even though I hadn’t known what to pray for beforehand, all of a sudden I knew exactly what to ask.

When I turned around, I noticed a statue made out of stone in front of a small pond. Even though not very delicately sculptured, you could make out the silhouette of what appeared to be a couple in each other’s arms. Nowhere were foxes or komainu to be seen. That was odd.

“I take it you are not from here?”

I was taken wholly by surprise that when I turned around, an old man was standing right next to me. I laughed, feeling caught, and shook my head. When the heck had he appeared out of nowhere?

“No, I’m not from here.”

“You are wondering about the memorial, do you not?”

I took a closer look at the guy. He was clad in everyday clothes and his thinned out white hair reached the tip of his ears. He glanced piercingly in my direction with his bushy eyebrows raised. One of these stares that you couldn’t resist answering, though he honestly didn’t come across unfriendly. So I nodded.

“It is said to be Kozaemon and his courtesan Tsuka. They committed love suicide a long time ago.”

I side-eyed the old man and watched him fold his hands behind his back. I of course knew a little about all this; about life back then, about the ranks and samurai and yūjo. About Bunraku and Kabuki and the usage of popular real-life occurrences that had found their way into premodern art forms. Double-suicide being one of the most popular among those. The most romantic. I’d just never seen a memorial like this before. Didn’t know there were any.

“It is, however, also said that an error occurred while passing on information and Tsuka was actually Tsukichi. That is all I know. A beautiful statue, is it not?”

I nodded slowly and gave an awkward sound of understanding and gratitude. The old man took it, nodded himself and calmly shuffled away. If that was the truth, no wonder modern Japan decided to conceal it. Love-suicides used to be common and relationships between men no secret. Though I’d never heard of an instance of a homosexual double-suicide before this.

***

Since I wasn’t in the mood to actually sit down and eat at the ryokan, I decided to drop by some small diner and eat out instead. Though when I returned to the lobby, I saw Hiroki sitting in the far corner of the room, reading a magazine. He hadn’t noticed me yet and for one short moment I thought about ignoring him and just returning to my room. But as I examined him there reading alone, I felt like this was a way too coincidental situation to let it pass by. To be nice, even if I didn’t feel like it.

“Hey, what are you up to?”

Hiroki lifted his gaze and instantly cleared up the moment he saw me; a subtle smile playing on his lips. I told myself that it was just because he’d been feeling kind of dull and hadn’t expected to see me again so soon.

“I’ve just been reading,” he swiftly showed me the magazine in a fleeting motion, something about music … or art … or fashion. I couldn’t really tell before he again put his hands on the cover. “You look positively relaxed, though!”

“I’ve been walking around the neighbourhood and picked up some food. I guess I’m fine.”

I nodded gradually to back up my statement as if Hiroki needed to be reassured that I was telling the truth. As I realised how stupid that was, I stopped. Shifted from one foot to the other. I wasn’t nervous. It was just awkward …

Just as I was about to take my leave, because him casually sitting in front of me throughout our conversation mildly irked me, he stood up. I was a fair bit taller than he was but Hiroki didn’t seem as though he was bothered by it in any way. His bright smile caught me somewhat off-guard.

“I bought this expensive sake yesterday that I actually wanted to bring home. But if you’re free tonight, I could bring some over,” he suddenly explained with a straight face. He looked as if he’d only just had this sudden revelation, though something told me that he’d kind of planned on doing just that. I honestly wasn’t really fond at the prospect of him robbing me of my night time ritual – if you could call it that – but he seemed so excited that I couldn’t bring myself to say no. So I reluctantly agreed.

And finally at night, there we were, sitting at this round coffee table on the tatami floor, in our yukata and drinking sake; probably looking like a curious wall painting from the Edo period. This was the theme throughout after all. Our hair styles didn’t quite fit in, though.

I watched as he sat there, one half of his yukata very nearly sliding off his shoulder. Soft looking, tanned skin peeking out from underneath it. The grey of the garment looked honestly good on him, I had to admit.

“You’d make one hell of an entertainer. That yukata suits you,” I heard myself blurting out without properly thinking it through first. The alcohol had already sunken deep into my bloodstream and had tinged my cheeks a hot pink. Or at least that was what it felt like. Totally forgetting that, in a sense, he already was an entertainer.

In front of me, Hiroki chuckled and again nipped on his drink. He had this habit of covering his mouth with the back of his hand when he laughed. It made him seem soft somehow. He also seemed to be at least as intoxicated as I felt, though probably quite a bit more, to be frank. Right this moment I was just relieved that he wasn’t weirded out by my admittedly kind of creepy comment. His brown hair was tugged behind his ears, revealing his slightly puffy and likewise reddish cheeks. The tip of his nose sheen healthy in the warm toned light. I could not seem to turn away from those two delicate moles straight underneath his right eye. There was just something about him that I couldn’t explain.

“Did you just call me a prostitute?”

Wha–? I knew he didn’t mean it, he was joking; bantering. There was still this drunken challenging smile on his lips, but his fidgety hands on the table told a different story. I hadn’t intended to make him uncomfortable. But now that he said it, it could indeed have been perceived like that …

“No,” I tried to reconcile, albeit probably sounding desperate. Here was to hoping that he wouldn’t realise in his current state. “But did you know that prostitutes did in fact enjoy quite a high rank back in the day? The good ones, that is …”

Again, he chuckled. “Every child knows that … But you did call me ‘one hell of a,’ right?”

“Okay, this is getting weird, I’m sorry,” I laughed nasally because I was trying to hide half of my face somewhere behind my upper arm. Taking another sip. Feeling the stinging liquid run desperately hot down my throat. This wasn’t how I’d imagined this going. We weren’t even that close. Why couldn’t we, for the love of the Gods, keep up a normal conversation like actual adults?

“I’m just messing with you, you know?” Something in his brown eyes glistened when he looked at me. Maybe it was just the light reflected in them, or maybe he just really enjoyed being a tedious little brat. “Didn’t think it’d be so easy with you.”

I clicked my tongue, shook my head and downed the rest of the liquid from my glass. Should have known, really. He wasn’t annoying, however, for some reason I felt myself liking the way our interaction went. It was a fine line between annoyance and pleasure, though.

“I think you had one too much to drink,” I lectured him with a raised eyebrow; not looking at him. I took the result of my earlier statement as proof that I should probably refrain from handing out compliments like White Day chocolate. He did look good, but this time I held back my opinion; swallowed it down again. No idea why I’d had this thought in the first place.

Hiroki, however, only smiled at me with an odd expression as he picked up the bottle of sake again and poured us another two; almost triumphantly, not saying a word. I sighed.

“Hiroki … I honestly don’t want to fade away in the onsen tomorrow morning with a hangover …” It was a white lie, I wouldn’t be hungover tomorrow. I just genuinely thought that we’d better stop right here …

“I’m just trying to be a good yūjo,” he shrugged, his plump lips still forming a slight smile. Innocence. Feigned innocence.

Again, I sighed. “Don’t you think you’d much rather make a better wakashū?” I didn’t quite want to enable this weird conversation any further, but it seemed like we were at a point of no return here. Now I wanted to at least look at this logically.

In front of me, Hiro nodded approvingly. Actually a bit too enthusiastically for my tastes, too.

“You’re right. But I’d be a bit too old for that, don’t you think?”

“Let’s not go there …” I shook my head. I really didn’t want to imagine Hiroki as a barely teenage Kabuki actor, occasionally pleasuring old men in his free time. I scrunched up my face and was about to consider whether I should cut it right off here; tell him I’m sleepy, suggest that we should maybe go to bed. I was starting to feel uncomfortable under his glances and cheeky remarks. And I wasn’t about to ask myself why that was just yet.

“Okay, I’ll stop,” he breathed, this time a tad softer. His fingers played with the glass on the table and a strand of hair was now loose behind his ear and fell into his face.

I was older than him, obviously. Seven years, to be exact. I’d asked. He looked young, too. Maybe a conversation like this was totally normal among his group of friends.

“But it’s still okay to tell you that your natural hair colour suits you, right? That’s not going too far, is it?”

Again, I stared at him a bit dumbfounded before I regained my composure. Slowly, I took another sip, felt the liquid run down my throat. Swallowed and almost had to cough because I’d chocked on it. My ears felt warm. “I guess that’s okay. I’ve complimented you first. We’re even.”

My words came out curiously broken; with a low and careful voice. I’d grow out my natural dark brown hair during off time. I liked the occasional change and also to give my hair a breather between tours. It had been a while, however, since someone had complimented me on that. Weird that I just wasn’t able to pocket it like a normal compliment from an acquaintance. Suddenly it became hard to look him in the eye.

“Maybe we should–” I started to intervene, but he nodded midway, agreeing to my unfinished suggestion in a whisper.

“We should,” he said.

As we both nodded and reached for the little glasses simultaneously, our hands faintly touched and we instinctively flinched; like a god damn film cliché. It was like a little electro shock, like a spark, I felt the hair on the nape of my neck stand up. And then, as I looked at him, for a split second I could swear Hiroki didn’t look like Hiroki anymore. In this short moment, I was sure to have seen what looked like an older version of him. Not as in ‘aged,’ but as in ‘not exactly now’. All the colours were sepia toned and blurred and before I could inspect his hair style any further, the weird feeling was gone and I snapped out of it.

“Are you okay?” he asked worriedly; his facial features only now starting to make sense to my brain again, slowly blending together. I shook my head confused to let go of that state but then nodded.

“Yeah, yeah. Sorry. Forget it. I should really go to bed.”

***

I was leaning against the chunky trunk of a big plum tree. It appeared to be spring, everything was deeply in bloom and blossom, pinks and whites and yellows and greens all around, but the rays of the sun felt already intensely warm on my skin. I peeped up to the baby blue morning sky and smiled on account of it. What bliss!

“Your skin looks golden in the sun,” the boy in front of me asserted out loud; cupping my face lovingly with his two hands. I looked at him and even though I felt like scolding him, still I smiled.

Next he took the tiny used notebook and very short pencil from my hands and placed them next to us. I let him do it without objecting, even though I knew that he shouldn’t have the power to bother me at a time like this. I combed through his loose raven black forelocks.

“Take me with you tonight.”

“You very well know I cannot do that.”

“Your wife does not even need to know.”

“Look at me,” I heard my own voice ring in my ears as I looked at him intently; his face both soft and hopeless at the same time. The freshness of his pink cheeks well-neigh touched me to tears. “There is going to be a time and a place for everything yet to come.”

“I am afraid I cannot wait any longer,” he cried tenderly but his eyes were screaming. I could not seem to turn away from those two delicate moles straight underneath his right eye. They made him seem mesmerizingly beautiful. This time, I cupped his face. “I am tired. I love you.”

“And I love you,” I reassured him, “but this is not how the world works.”

“I cut myself for you.”

With deliberate and careful fingertips, I caressed the long, thick scar on his shoulder through the garment from that blade that day. It had only just closed up and healed recently.

“I mean it.”

“We will find a way, I promise you,” I whispered those words onto his trembling lips. Kissed a salty tear away. Knew that, in the end, this would only mean one thing.

“Born together on the same lotus flower.”

When the day of his genpuku ceremony came, and it was his time to cut off his forelocks, he lay in my arms; sobbing. I held him close and brushed through his hair patiently. Kissed his head.

He had tried to postpone it as long as he could but ultimately there was no young man who could escape it. You were supposed to embrace it, naturally. What an opportunity, an honour! To be able to fight in open battle as samurai and to finally be considered an adult! But for the wakashū youth at the time, it was bound to be a disaster.

“Will you still love me after that?” “I told you, I will.”

“Promise me.”

“I would gladly give my life for you,” I whispered into his black hair and meant it. “You will find a way, too, you will see. The wakashū-kabuki is about to change. I know it.”

And when it was finally time for us to be reborn, the winter had taken hold of the land. The icy cold gusts of wind cut our cheeks but we determinedly marched forward to the perfect spot encompassed by those large, naked plum trees and the little shrine. I had taken care of my wife’s financial well-being as best as I could have managed. I felt guilty but also indescribably happy at the prospect of finally being free with him. Together with him. Like it always should have been.

When I leant down to cut his throat, I kissed him intently and whispered “same lotus, remember” against his lips. It was both the hardest and the easiest thing I’d ever had to do. Then I hung myself.

And as I hung there, swaying in the wind, the full moon shining on me, I–

***

My alarm went off. Horror-stricken, I came to and suddenly I sat upright in my futon; clutching my throat and desperately trying to gasp for air. Until I realised I didn’t need to. There was fresh sweat on my forehead that I wiped away before I got up to drink some water.

What a freakish nightmare.

I’d never before dreamed of dying. Let alone anything Tokugawa period inspired. I didn’t even know I’d had the knowledge. But it had all felt too real, looked so real. The more I tried to hold onto the blurred memories, however, the more they slipped away. I shook my head. With all of yesterday’s wakashū talk and the little lecture at the memorial site, this was bound to happen, right? Right …

I sleepily rubbed my eyes and looked outside. Still dark, of course. I hadn’t been as sleepy yesterday …

After I’d had a cup of tea, I made my way downstairs to the onsen. Wondered if Hiroki would appear at the same time as yesterday. I waited in the mushy warmth and people came and went, but he never appeared.

Slightly feeling defeated, I let the back of my head fell softly on the wet stones behind me and sighed. I couldn’t put my finger on why I felt so bad. Maybe I’d scared him away yesterday after all; had made him feel unwelcomed. That hadn’t been my intention as his senpai at all.

But then, what did I want?

Finally, at breakfast, I saw him sitting at the large table and joined him hesitantly. He really didn’t seem too pleased. But maybe I’d only imagined it.

“Did you sleep well last night?”

Hiroki spooned his miso soup; his face stiff. “So-so. Could have been better, honestly.”

My fingertips itched to ask him why he didn’t come to the public onsen this morning. He’d probably just used his own private one, but then again, why today …

“Yeah, me neither,” I mused; body refreshed, mind sleepy. “I hope I didn’t offend you yesterday.”

It was honestly a thought that had been circling around in my head all morning since I’d woken up from that weird dream. Objectively I knew that I hadn’t offended him and if I had, it wasn’t my fault. Just … seeing him looking so miserable, for whatever reason, felt like choking. Trying to be as silent as I could manage, I grabbed everything I needed for my breakfast and started to eat.

“You did not,” he reassured me and there was honesty in his voice, though his eyes remained a question without an answer. “I honestly think that I was acting like a little brat on purpose and I should apologise for that.”

“So, do you only think you should or are you apologising?”

When I lifted my gaze to look at him, for a moment, I thought he’d throw his tofu at me. But to my huge relief, he smiled, beamed even, and so I chimed in for a bit. When the pleasant feelings had settled after a while, I again tried to focus on the food. Suddenly it tasted a lot better.

“I’ll be honest with you,” I started after a few minutes in pleasant silence, not quite knowing whether I should really tell him, “actually I wanted to spend this vacation alone. You know, not even seeing or talking to anyone. But now that you’re here, too … how about going around town for a bit later?”

Hiroki nodded, not too enthusiastically but I liked to think he was. “That sounds great. Check out the restaurants?”

I nodded. There were a lot I hadn’t yet seen.

***

It was long dark outside when we exited the restaurant we’d had dinner at. Both clothed in grey kimono, and already slightly intoxicated from all the sake we’d had after food, we walked along the dimly lit river.

It was astoundingly beautiful here. It very well-neigh looked as though you were literally in old Edo, only the street lights meddled with the illusion. It was a clear night with a clear night’s sky and although still quite cold, there was no wind cutting our faces. Everything was dark and still and silent and listened.

We hadn’t said a word since we’d started walking alongside this little river called Heiki in a daze of alcohol and mild food overdose. Which was, for the record, slightly out of character for the both of us considering that we’d happily chatted away during our meal and it made me fuzzy in the head. We’d had a lot of fun together tonight.

After we’d walked for a while, our ryokan wasn’t too far anymore, Hiroki suddenly stopped to lean onto the wooden handrail at the side of the street and listen to the polite rhythm of the gurgling water. On the other river side, the plum trees were already in full bloom.

“Why we’re stopping?” I asked oblivious and watched him watching the scenery in front of us. There was a short smile on his lips. We were still drunk.

“It’s just so pretty here. I’ve spent enough time indoors.”

I nodded. Although I silently dreamed of using the onsen for a second time today. “It’s cold after a while, though, don’t you think?”

Hesitatingly, I shuffled to a spot next to him; the fabric of our kimono almost touching.

“I can handle the cold,” he mused but I knew he wasn’t finished. So I didn’t say anything after that. Then he looked up and so did I. Out here, you could actually see the stars. Sometimes you get the feeling that they’re not quite there in the city, as though someone had imagined them a long time ago and so they only then came into existence. You never really think about them, you never really see them, because even though you might sometimes look up from your hectic walk, they are not really there. You look up and they’re not there. You know they should be and you know everyone says they’re there, so you believe them.

“The moon is beautiful, isn’t it?”

I watched the not quite full moon closely, silently, and wondered if Hiroki knew what he’d just said. What a walking cliché … After another few seconds had passed, however, I decided to blame the alcohol for that as well.

“It is,” I said warily and got ready to start walking again, “but let’s just go inside. Have something to drink. I just want to get into the hot water one more time before I go to bed.”

“That does sound good,” he agreed enthusiastically as he walked right by my side. I could see his breath forming little clouds of white mist in the light of the street lamps whenever I peered over to him. And while I was at it, I forbid my head from overthinking his statement from earlier. He hadn’t meant it like that … “How about we go to my place? I have a private onsen.”

“Don’t you think I have one, too? You’ve been to my room.”

“Yeah,” he nodded, his cheeks sporting a soft glowing pink. He was giddy, always in such high spirits, it was fascinating. “But does yours overlook the forest?”

“Oh, don’t tell me you’ve booked the most expensive room?”

“What can I say?” Hiroki looked at me and laughed a hearty smile, showing me his wrist and attached to it: a rather expensive looking watch. “Rich parents and successful, too. Why would I settle for the almost?”

“Wow, you’re … unbelievable.”

What a fucking brat. He’d been like this from the start, as if he never cared how he came across. Maybe he really didn’t. Some people’d understandably think of him as obnoxious. But I knew he was kind and thoughtful. Honest even. That’s why he didn’t bother to change his cheeky ways. He knew he could trust me.

And he had been right indeed – his room looked full-on fancy; sort of extravagant even and the view over the forest was breathtakingly gorgeous. I hadn’t been aware that there were such major differences between the rooms. His little private onsen was built on what appeared to be a balcony of some sort – there weren’t any walls or glass façades surrounding the hot bath. It was wonderful, really, so you’d still be sitting outside and the hot steam wouldn’t fill the cramped little room. Now I knew why he’d stayed inside this morning. And, ironically enough, there was the moon right outside this room, hanging over the onsen like an exclamation point with the stroke of its upper body missing.

“I’ve got some beer. Tell you what, I’m going to get it and you go and get yourself ready?”

“That’s decadent,” I intervened slightly puzzled, though Hiroki’s face only revealed what seemed to be one of his ‘what do you mean?’-looks. As if that was the most common thing on this planet. So in the end I shrugged my shoulders and obliged, wondering when our roles had switched exactly. The fact that I was still intoxicated, however, helped this case enormously.

I’d been with friends to the hot springs a hundred times. Even with his brother. But somehow … this time … alone in a private onsen with him and alcohol involved … there was something feeling not quite right about this. I just couldn’t put my finger on why that was, though. And so I ignored the little voice inside my head as he sat opposite of me. The fact that I kind of initiated this mess in the first place Sipping his beer. The lights inside were dimmed, we only really had the moon illuminating our faces.

It looked kind of bizarre. I knew he was of drinking age, but he still looked so young holding this comparatively huge beer can in his hand. The way he sat there, silently, enjoying the warmth and sometimes looking up at the sky; questioningly. There was no way I could enjoy my bath like this. With all these ideas and thoughts running through my busy head. And him thoughtfully examining me once in a while when he thought I wasn’t looking.

“Is there something on my face?” I asked him without really expecting an answer to that.

The air around us had been electrified ever since we’d gone home from the restaurant. I should have known better and retired to my own room after we’d come here. I didn’t know what had made me stay.

“Do you think the moon looked the same for people in former times?”

I had to muffle a small laugh at that; I’d been expecting a lot but this knocked me off track. “Oh, it’s that time already? Philosophy?”

I couldn’t help myself but mock it. I busied my fingers with my own beer and hoped he would just drop the subject altogether. Something about it unnerved me to no end. No more talking about the bloody moon!

For a while then, he said nothing. Only when he saw my raised eyebrows did he open his mouth to respond. For some weird reason, I was anticipating exactly what he was about to say just then. God damn, I hadn’t actually wanted to trigger that.

“It’s just … I’ve had a weird dream last night.”

“Just a dream, though,” I assured him and freaked out on the inside. What a bizarre coincidence. Hopefully just that. Hopefully.

In front of me, Hiro nodded and finished his beer in one long gulp. He did make me nervous, I finally realised for the first time. His unspoken words especially; I could see them in his eyes. Now it was just awkward between the two of us. Both staring into nothingness and trying not to move. The water was suddenly too hot, it made my face glow up, and yet I could have sworn that I felt the subtle heat of his body instead. He was resting his arm outside of the onsen on the elevated ground; his fingertips loosely pointing in my direction. My chest felt heavy. I didn’t know what to do.

“What made you come here in the first place?” I heard myself saying before I could even intervene consciously. But then I thought that it wasn’t such a bad idea to talk about that, after all. Normal enough conversation starter. Made both our minds busy. Would probably and finally stop me from wanting to move closer to him.

Hiro shrugged. “I felt like it. Searched for a place that allowed tattoos. This one felt right.”

“Right,” I whispered like in trance. Even though I had to have sobered up quite some bit already, my head felt so fuzzy. Trying to be subtle about it, I examined that part of his chest piece that was visible above the water surface.  It said ‘Rule the Fate’ in elegant lettering and when I was done reading it, my hair on the nape of my neck stood on end. I realised that I couldn’t take my eyes off it. I knew he’d noticed. “Same for me.”

“You only have those two?” he whispered back in the same tone of voice, though only stared at the one on my neck. The Vena tattoo. “It’s your album title, isn’t it? What does it mean to you?”

I swallowed hard. I couldn’t quite make his eyes out in the dark, but his look was piercing. Not in an uncomfortable way, however, it managed to make me hot to the touch. My throat felt tight.

“We wanted to get back to our roots music wise,” I tried to give him the same TED talk I’d given basically any interviewer back then. And it wasn’t even that big of a lie. “So I thought roots … blood … veins … you get it.”

“Yeah, I get it,” he nodded, “but why’d you get a tattoo of that on your skin?”

“…Why’d you get yours?”

“I mean …” he paused, gesturing a bit comically. I again swallowed a lump in my throat. “You only have two. Those must mean something to you.”

“I just wanted to have someone on the cover with that tattoo. Thought it might as well be me.”

Hiroki only nodded as if he understood but in reality I knew he wasn’t convinced. Again, it wasn’t that big of a lie. I just didn’t feel fully comfortable talking about anything that personal. At least he accepted that. I watched him in front of me; tilting his head back to catch a nice cool breeze, his chest rising and falling softly. Fate. Then he lifted his gaze.

“Can I take a closer look at it?”

“What?” I responded instinctively and way too fast. I couldn’t quite tell him not to be ridiculous. I would have probably told him so yesterday. But tonight … I felt like I couldn’t refuse him such a simple request. He probably hadn’t gotten a good look at it in the past two days and he was just … curious. We were still slightly drunk. To ask such a thing was within the realms of possibility. It wasn’t weird. Or so I told myself. Because when I looked hard into it, when I tried to be honest with me … then I knew that all the fibres of my entire body wanted him closer. I wanted to say yes. I wanted him to look. The time of self-control was over, I’d just decided. No more self-control. He had it coming. I just couldn’t shake off that feeling of total helplessness; a feeling that this was all supposed to happen, right now and in the same exact way it was happening. “…yes.”

I held my breath as he carefully skidded closer to me in the onsen. It wasn’t big or anything, but the motion felt like minutes. Eventually, however, he was standing right in front of me; his stomach was almost at the same height as my face. I exhaled relieved when he decided to hunker down in front of me after all. My ears felt hot, again I held my breath. Prayed that I wasn’t coming across as nervous as my beating heart suggested.

This was it, wasn’t it? This was one of those moments. I’d never been good at them. I was tense enough with women. But with a man? The whole realisation of it all, that it felt so right and that I knew my body wanted him so badly, made me lose my mind.

Sitting in front of me like that, Hiroki scooted just the tiniest bit closer; supporting himself with his right hand on the edge of the onsen right next to my head as he leaned forward in slow motion. I felt his breath on my wet skin, making me shiver and flinched when the fingers of his left hand finally touched me; tracing the delicate strokes of black ink. I hadn’t expected him to, honestly. I’d thought he’d only look, but now that he was here and I wasn’t quite surprised retrospectively, I leaned back and let out a small sigh that I’d held in consequently.

I imagined he was aware of where my body was and was fussily concerned with trying not to touch me in the water, though I could feel his thighs close to mine. My pulse throbbed so loud in my ears that I couldn’t understand my own voice inside my head anymore. All I heard was him breathing faster. I was so nervous and yet so giddy. Time moved so excruciatingly slow. I knew my impulses were about to kick in. I could feel it. My head felt so dizzy, my heart screamed. This ridiculous act was so painful. I knew he wanted me and I was sure he knew that I wanted him.

Two days. It had taken him two days to make me mad for him and his body. Laughable!

I was just about to go ‘fuck it’ and grab his head and just kiss him; I couldn’t take it any longer and my fingers itched for his skin, I couldn’t take the fact that I couldn’t just touch him anymore – but then I  felt his lips brush against my neck. Drawing in a breath sharply, I swallowed down a moan and was so perplexed that I suddenly didn’t know what to do after all. Then I just decided on placing my hand on his head, brushing through his soft hair bolder by the second, encouraging him to go on. His right hand now on my shoulder and upper arm, the other somewhere in the water.

This kid sure had balls. I chuckled amused but softly. Relieved.

“You’ve planned this?” I breathed under shivers. My heart was so full; I didn’t know what to do with all these giddy feelings. I hadn’t been this horny for someone in such a long time. How was I supposed to hold back until I could finally touch him properly, anyway? All of this was moving way too slow. I wanted to grab him and press him against the floor. I’d never done that to a guy. I wondered how he moved; how he moaned and how his face looked when he had my cock inside of him. I let out a shaky breath. Grabbed the back of his head and finally kissed him. Pressed him against me; our faces so close that it became almost impossible to move. The steam had made our hair and skin damp. His lips were wet.

I loved the little trembling breaths he took between kisses. I knew his lips felt soft but all I could think of was that tingling right underneath my skin, everywhere. Everywhere his body touched mine. His hands all over me and one of his legs somewhat awkward somewhere between my legs. His hips were touching my stomach. I could feel his hard-on and I knew he could feel my cock brush against him, too. He kissed back with such force; with at least as much desperation as I had in me. Even his fingertips where shaky. When I supported him by the hips and pressed him closer towards me, he sobbed against my lips; I opened my eyes. My hands still both cupping his face.

God, he was beautiful.

But as I was watching him in front of me, searching for his eyes in the dark but failing, there was this sudden realisation what we were about to do. Reluctantly I pressed our foreheads together. Clenched my teeth. Exhaled slowly. It felt right, yes, though this would most definitely not be perceived this way by … literally everyone we knew or who knew us.

“Hiroki … I think we should stop.”

I almost couldn’t recognise my own voice when I spoke; I was out of breath. I tried to search for his gaze one more time in the dimly lit darkness and recognised the coldness of his breath on my wet neck. He was still so close to my own face that it was hard to breathe. Our noses touched. I felt his chest heaving. I honestly didn’t want to let go of him. I couldn’t.

“You don’t want this to stop.” A whisper.

He was right. I smiled against his lips but didn’t kiss him. He let out a long sigh. I didn’t know how we’d ended up here. I didn’t even really want to occupy my mind with that question. I just wanted to follow whatever instinct was piloting me at this moment. It felt so right. Something inside of me told me that I really shouldn’t worry about such a minor thing. It would all fall into place. I just knew that I wanted to get off with him so badly. I wanted to see his face when he came. I wanted to know how he sounded like when he was close. And it did feel like a taboo, too, somehow. Something I’d never considered doing, something that fans would definitely never know about. And something his brother would most definitely never learn.

God damn, I couldn’t stand it anymore. He was so right. No, I didn’t want to end this.

So I carefully got up and out, so as not to slip or hurt Hiroki accidentally in the process, and impatiently dried my body with a towel. It was freaking cold, but that wasn’t it, I was just desperate to get inside and begin where we left off. Still out of breath, I watched him climb out; biting my lips as my gaze fell on his hard cock. He looked a bit awkward standing there but I could not wait to touch him again. And so I took another careful breath and reached for his shoulder, wiped those single drops of water off as he was distractedly drying himself, too. His eyes on me the whole time. Gave him a small kiss before I began to hurry to get inside.

“Come on,” I encouraged him, took his hand and pulled him into the warmth. Didn’t care if he was still wet. Didn’t care if some of the curtains weren’t closed. Didn’t care about the far too dimmed lights.

I closed the door behind us and quickly pulled him into another kiss. Cupping his face, feeling the smooth skin on his back, pressing him against me as we stood there in the middle of the traditional looking ryokan living room.

I felt far too hot, my ears hurt. And I knew my lips had to have been swollen by then. But I just couldn’t stop kissing him, catching his moans and little desperate breaths. It wasn’t like playing an instrument; Hiroki definitely knew what he was doing and what he wanted. He fought back, he pushed, he pulled. I would have loved to thrust him to the floor and to just lead this whole thing. See if he liked that. If he wanted that or had had in mind when he started hitting on me yesterday out of the blue. But instead Hiroki swiftly dropped to his knees without any time left for me to protest.

It must have been God damn uncomfortable on the tatami floor but seeing him like this, looking up at me with half-closed eyes – I wasn’t really gonna talk him out of it, let’s be honest. I brushed through his hair gently and was excited to see where this was going. No man had ever given me a blowjob but Hiroki looked as though he knew exactly what he’d had in mind, which aroused the question of if he’d done it before. I held my breath before his tongue touched me and shivered when it did.

He grabbed my waist and let his hands wander back and forth. I closed my eyes. Could not quite relax standing like this but the sensation was just so overwhelmingly perfect that I at the same time couldn’t care less. I just wanted more of that throbbing inside of my chest, to get all choked up. I didn’t even think I could bring out a single word at this point. My mouth stood open and all I could do was to breathe loudly as he had me in his mouth. My hands somewhere in his hair. I felt him grinning against my skin.

Jesus. He knew exactly what he was doing.

“Hiroki,” I forced out with a broken voice then after all. I didn’t want to come just yet. But he was so good. My breathing grew faster and finally he stopped. Licked up my length once more before he stood up to face me again. He was still shorter than me, but his grin was so wide and smug that I was on the verge of holding him down and wanting to fuck it off him just like that. Instead I pulled him into yet another kiss; his tongue tasted faintly salty and bitter.

I let him press himself against my body as he wrapped his arms around my shoulders and tickled my ear with his breath. Enjoyed the warmth his body gave off; all the angles, edges and muscles a woman didn’t have. Tried to capture and keep a hold of how he felt on my skin. Inhaled shakily.

“Are you brave enough to fuck me?” he whispered in my ear. I shivered. And mulled it over for a second. Brushed a strand of hair away from his forehead. I couldn’t think properly, I was just so horny. I hadn’t had sex with a man before him. But I wasn’t afraid, I wasn’t worried. All I wanted right now was him in front of me on all fours; on top of me, beneath me. Everything; I didn’t care. I just wanted to make him scream my name.

“I didn’t exactly think about bringing condoms, you know.” That had been pretty low on my priority list when I came here, to be quite honest. Who would have thought, anyway?

I let my fingertips run up and down his flat chest, felt the pulse on his throat; nose to nose, lips to lips. My hands now on the nape of his neck. Breathing in his sighs. On the verge of telling myself ‘fuck it’ – only that I knew better.

“I don’t have any, either,” he whispered against my lips. I kissed his.

“I was afraid you might say that …” I chuckled almost silently; still pressing myself against him. The desire I felt for him was immeasurable at this point. How could a stupid little kid do that to me? I tried pushing the fact of him being Taka’s little brother, of him being in the rock music scene himself, to the very back of my head. It was kind of weird the longer I thought about it, but because I still wanted to do this, however the fuck he’d managed to convince me, I tried not to think about it any further.

So … we couldn’t fuck, but there were still plenty of other options left. Plus, there was always the possibility of a ‘next time,’ right? I had all the time in the world to fantasise about my thick cock inside of him next time, when we were more prepared. About him sobbing little moans and pleas with every thrust; begging for more. To be released. Deeper and faster. I almost chocked at the thought and finally broke the physical contact to get the futon out of the closet.

Hiroki watched me prepare it; his breathing shallow. When I sat down on it, he joined me in the blink of an eye. It didn’t take long for me to pull him into another kiss, which he approved of easily and obliged without a word. If anything, he melted into it. I could feel his body blur together with the rest of the background; I could feel him shiver and shake. My movements only grew stronger; more erratic. Pushing and pulling. Until he was lying right underneath me. I breathed his name against his lips. Kissed his jaw. Traced his cheekbones. Swallowed hard.

He was so God damn beautiful. And so God damn needy and complaint under my fingertips; his legs spread, pressing himself up against my body. I craved him. I so wished I could just fuck him after all. I could not wait. I pinned his arms back onto the floor and caught his silent sighs. Grinding down on him. Watching his eyes cloud over. His cheeks pink with lust, intoxication and hopefully embarrassment. I didn’t know why I wanted him embarrassed exactly. I just knew that I had to wipe that smugness off him fast.

“Want to have the next best thing?” I purred, shoving two fingers inside his mouth maybe a tad too ungently; all the while keeping his arms in check. But he understood, wasn’t surprised, it took him not a second to start licking them. I groaned as I pressed our foreheads together. I liked the sensation. I liked how I still felt as though I had the upper hand in all this. He’d oblige, and if he didn’t, I’d make him.

When I felt like it was enough, I replaced my fingers with my mouth and let them wander down his body instead. It was my first time with a man but I’d had anal sex before. I knew how he’d like it. And I was excited at the prospect of finding the perfect angle for him. Watching his face change. Experiencing in what way it was different for him than it was for a woman.

He arched his back when I was finally massaging against him, waiting for another response. Watching him wriggle and twist, trying to escape my firm grip. Watching him slowly losing it. I just needed this one reassurance. This one push. At this point I was hovering right above his lips. Not kissing him again. Waiting. My own cock was throbbing. My heart sank. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been this excited.

“Please,” I heard him breathe, but his voice was so shattered and shaky that I’d almost missed it. His cheeks were still a fresh pink, as were his ears. He had his mouth open and his eyes closed shut. His teeth clenched. I could feel his cock pulsating.

God, was I really about to fulfil one of his old teenage fantasies? Had he been into me the whole time?

“Say that again for me,” I asked, licking his lips provokingly. Being the one to call the shots, to have the power over him, made me positively drunken with excitement. Women were often way too obedient in the first place. I’d never had the urge to exhaust established power dynamics. It was different with Hiroki. And this was only the beginning. I was looking forward to finally being inside of him; to fuck that smugness out of him. And somewhere in my head I wondered for a short second if I’d be able to cuddle him on my sofa, too.

“Please, Masato–”

Maybe he wanted to add something but I decided that it still wasn’t enough.

“I need a full sentence from you.”

He moaned under my weight; under the feeling of my fingers pushing further against him and yet still not pushing far enough. His cock looked so ridiculously full and desperate.

“I– I need your fingers inside of me, Masato. Please–”

When I finally pushed my fingers in, I made sure to watch him closely; to see how his face went to pieces, how he lost control of his facial features completely. I watched him intently. Fascinated. He instinctively tightened around my fingers. I had yet to move them in and out but he already seemed to be in the highest of highs. When I let go of his arms, he didn’t look as though he knew what he should do with them all of a sudden. So he left them above his head on the floor. But sitting back, taking in the whole picture; all of him – was so arousing.

After I’d started slowly moving my fingers in and out experimentally, he relaxed and it gradually became easier and his moans increasingly louder. It felt like being in a total state of manic fixation. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. Off his face; off his cock; off the place my fingers slipped in and out of him. I watched his chest heave and him squirm. Two fingers were all it took for him to go insane. He looked as though it would be so easy for him to cum just from my fingers alone. My cock twitched at the thought. But I really wanted to get some friction, too. I was just so turned on by the sight of him and his little sobs. By the feeling of my fingers surrounded by his tight warmth. By him trying to somehow hide his face behind his arms embarrassed. Even though he obviously loved being watched as I fingerfucked him. His wide open legs said more than a thousand words.

Jesus, I would have loved to replace my fingers with my cock. Seeing what kind of difference it made. How loud he could moan. How his face looked.

I swallowed hard. I never would have thought I’d do that to a man, let alone him. I never would have thought I’d find cock attractive. But seeing him so turned on turned me on. Maybe my heart beat so fast because it was him and not some random other guy.

I leaned down again to stifle his moans with my mouth. Reached down between my own legs and began jerking myself off. It was kind of a pain in the ass, to be honest. God damn uncomfortable. But the smallest of touches felt heavenly. I shuddered with every stroke and already felt close to the edge. How could that even be a thing?

“I want to come all over you,” I pressed out; my voice shaking with lust and arousal. I couldn’t think of anything more perfect right now. Seeing him come. Him coming at the same time as me. Him coming from me coming all over him. Not needing to care about where to release or how to get rid of it afterwards. Just watching him love every second of it.

“Yes, I want you to,” he breathed equally shaky against my lips and I felt him finally reach for his own cock, too. Even though I would have loved trying to make him come just from my fingers, I shivered at the thought of him jerking off. Never thought about watching anyone like this. Suddenly I couldn’t think of anything hotter.

I leaned back in order for me to take him in fully; to watch him slowly get closer to the edge himself. He was pulling his cock slowly but firmly, in the same rhythm as my thrusts. I was matching him. Not thinking about it. My head was on autopilot. I moved my fingers faster. He moaned louder. I did not think about bothering other guests. My mouth stood slightly open. Breathing became harder. My own hand on my cock felt so good. I closed my eyes for a second. Sighed.

“You look so pretty like that,” I groaned. Maybe a tad too loud. His answer was a long moan. I could see that he was close. Felt it.

And even though it was way easier to both fingerfuck him and jerk myself off when I leaned back, I just couldn’t resist bending further down to kiss him. I liked how he just couldn’t cope anymore the moment I tried to steal his breath on top of everything that was happening. He yelped and gasped and it momentarily threw him off balance.

“I’m close,” he whined against my lips.

I skidded closer to him on my knees. Moved my fingers faster, tried to go even deeper. He cried. I pressed our foreheads together. Massaging myself with an even stronger grip. I felt hot all over and this familiar electric sensation spread through my whole body. I closed my eyes.

But when I finally came, I leant back again to watch it all. I couldn’t seem to control the volume of my moans. I felt deaf. I tried not to lose the rhythm of my fingers but I kind of failed. I watched as the first shot hit him on the neck and jaw. I exhaled. Then his chest and stomach. I groaned. When he was finally coming too, triggered by my own orgasm, his cum reached his clavicle. My own was dropping on his cock and hand by then.

Breathing. Coping. Trying to regain composure.

I smiled when I realised how much cum he had on his body. He smiled back as he grabbed my head with his clean hand and just held it. Pressed our foreheads together this time.

What a fucking mess.

When I realised that he’d probably have to sleep in this futon tonight, I carefully pulled out my two fingers; listened to him whine at the sensation. Then I tried to find him some tissues to get rid of most of the mess roughly first before it ran down his sides. Then I washed my hands.

“I don’t know if it’s me – but I think you should take a shower.”

“Oh, really?” he said in a mocking tone as he turned around to face me. But his face was still flushed; he gleamed almost. His smile so bright I wondered if I’d just accidentally drugged him instead.

I cleared my throat; abruptly feeling a bit more awkward than before. It was just the way he stood in front of me like that. The tattoos suited his body shape. All of a sudden he looked his usual bratty self again. All wide smiles, big laughs and provocative words.

I liked how his body looked, I only now realised. It honestly blew my mind how that preference could develop over two days when I hadn’t even felt a similar urge once in my life before.

“Yeah,” I whispered and closed the gap between us. Pulled him inside my arms. Felt the angles and edges and pressed my lips onto his. “I should probably go with you.”

[atypicalkataangist]

Responsibility

Type: Oneshot [Romantic] Summary: Aang and Katara get in a big fight. Word count: 1747 Author’s note Hey there! Soo, I’ve been writing about so many good things now, and even though I believe they came along pretty well as a married couple, I think it’s inevitable to get into a bigger fight from time to time. So that’s what today’s story is about ^^ Funfact: props to my guinea pig Hannibal for giving me the original idea for the reason of their fight. But you’ll see :D

"And I'm telling you he's got nothing to do with it!"

Aang was pissed off. Even worse, he was pissed off about Katara. The young couple didn't use to fight very often, but like in every healthy relationship the one or another bigger fight was included. In the last few weeks it's gotten progressively worse however. Katara had given birth to their first child only a few weeks earlier, and as much as their sweet little man constantly reminded them of their love for each other, it could become really exhausting. None of them could really handle the severe sleep deprivation caused by young Bumi's very light sleep, so he kept both of them awake most of the nights.

And like most other young parents it still took them a while to adjust to their new role. They, especially Katara, didn't want to mess anything up, so they felt like they were under a lot of pressure. The combination of stress and sleep deprivation had both of them really tensed, frequently causing them to freak out at each other without much of a reason. Even their sex life began to suffer now, either they didn't find enough time, or if they did, they were too exhausted or not in the mood to let off some steam.

"Oh Aang, you're ridiculous! Stay and talk to me!", she demanded, follwing her husband out of their home. He was too angry with her to talk to her in a constructive way. On her arm she carried their baby son, crying desperately for attention.

They were out in the open now, on the stone path leading to Appa's stable near the coast of air temple island. He couldn't bear with that situation anymore, at least not for the moment. He needed to get away, even if only for a couple of hours.

"I'm the one who's ridiculous?! Katara, you know Momo as long as I do, he would never, ever bite Bumi!"

"I can't believe it!", she moaned obviously pretty damn annoyed as well, "So you're taking your lemur's side and not your son's?!"

"No, that's not what I..."

"I couldn't care less about Momo right now, Aang!", she screamed, "I only see my - OUR son crying in pain because of an animal bite and you're not doing anything to help me! Instead you're too focused on defending your precious lemur to even consider the fact that he might have harmed Bumi!" The small boy on her arm didn't stop to sob, seemingly feeling the turmoil and agitation within his mother. She cuddled him closer against her chest, carefully as not to disturb him anymore. Lowering her voice, she added, "at least we have him long enough to eliminate the thought that he has any dangerous deseases with which he could've infected Bumi. His immune system is still extremely fragile, Aang, don't you realize that? Or do you just not care?!"

Deep inside, she immediately regretted saying that, but she was too angry and too aroused in that moment to take it back.

"Ka...Katara..." He could do nothing but standing there in bewilderment, his mouth agape and his eyes sad and hurted. She could see how much she had hurted his feelings with that comment. Of course she knew how much Aang cared about his son.

"How could you say something like that?" He turned around, fighting back tears that tried to break free. Slowly, he followed the path to Appa's stable. He needed some time alone.

She followed him. She didn't mean to hurt him like that. He didn't deserve that.

The Avatar whistled to call Appa out of his stable, preparing the saddle even though he was about to do this trip alone.

"Aang!"

He turned around from Appa, looking at her with hurted, disappointed eyes.

"I'm just saying that you can't be the child anymore. You have a child now. WE have a child now, Aang! You have to take on your responsibility as a father! You're carrying the responsibility of a tiny life, so you have to take this seriously!"

Without another word, he turned around again, airbended himself on top of his bison and took place on his head.

"I'm doing my fucking best, Katara." He never swore, so he must've been extremely aroused. "I'm sorry I'm not the perfect father right off the bat, but I'm doing my fucking best! Yip yipp."

"Where are you going, Aang?!", she screamed while the bison slowly began to levitate.

"I'll blow off some steam. I'm back when I'm back.", he yelled while Appa carried him away from his crying child and his baffled wife.

----

"Shit, Shit, SHIT!", he screamed, letting out all of his anger against the trunk of a tree. He didn't want to hurt anyone, be it human or animal, so he chose to land in a small forest near the coast of republic city, were barely anyone else was ever around.

His knuckles began to hurt as the tree bark splattered off the trunk. "I'm SUCH an idiot!", he screamed, walking in circles and falling onto his knees. She was right, she was absolutely right. He needed to get a hold of himself. What kind of father would leave his crying newborn alone and just leave in the middle of a fight?

"Oh, spirits, I messed up big time..."

Indecisive what to do, he changed into the lotus position and tried to calm his nerves by meditating. He had still way too much on his mind to detach himself from the world. He needed to step up to his responsibilities. He needed to go back home and apologize to Katara. He wanted to make her happy again. And he wanted to make Bumi happy as well.

Katara couldn't stop crying after Aang had left. She felt horrible. Did she really blame Aang to not care about his son's well being? She loved Aang, she really did, and she didn't stop loving him after Bumi was born. But she needed him. Of course she had so many things yet to learn as well, but she couldn't do this alone. She needed Aang. She missed him. Emotionally and physically. Maybe she had underestimated the effort to raise a child as well, but she knew that she chose the right husband to do so. She would've never want to do this with anyone else. Aang was perfect. He just needed some time to get used to his new life.

---

The sun was already setting when Aang returned home. He instantly made his way to the meditation pond in the back of the island to get his thoughts in order and prepared what he wanted to say to his wife.

He watched the peaceful koi fish swimming in their pond as dire thoughts began to cloud up his mind again.

'They don't deserve someone like you. You're the worst father a newborn child can have.'

Stop. Stop!

'You're nothing but a huge letdown for those who love you.'

"Stop!", he screamed, sad and confused.

"Aang? Aang, are you alright?" He quickly turned around to see his wife standing across from him, barefoot and already in her nightdress, carrying her sleeping son on her arm. She watched him with sorrowful, yet loving eyes.

"Katara! Sweetie...", he ran towards her and hugged her with her tears in his eyes. "Katara, I'm so, so sorry...I feel so bad for bailing out before... I can't just leave you two alone."

"Oh Aang..." her eyes began to tear up as well, "It's okay, I said things I shouldn't have said as well."

"You were right about most of it though. I have to take my role as father more seriously. I'll double my efforts from now on, I promise. I love you and I Bumi more than you could ever imagine, the last thing I  want is to drive you away from me."

"Sweetie...", her trembling lips kissed his cheek while her free hand rested on his chest. "Of course I know you love us, and I love you now more than ever. But I need you for this, Aang."

"I know, Sweetie. And I promise I'll be there for you from now on."

She smiled at him just as warmly as she did after freeing him from the iceberg. "Thank you, sweetie. I love you. And I'm sorry for what I said."

He kissed her and his bad thoughts finally began to drown in a wave of dopamin and euphoria.

"You look tired, sweetie. Come, let me take Bumi out for a small good night walk around the island while you go to sleep. Alright?"

She could stop herself right before beginning another discussion, simply nodded after realizing that she lingered after some sleep.

Carefully she gave her son into his father's arms, who couldn't let his eyes off of the tiny bundle of joy that was about to wake up from his light sleep again, whining for attention.

"I got this. Good Night, Sweetie.", he whispered. "I love you."

"I love you, too.", she answered, kissing her husband first and pressing a few quick kisses in her son's tiny forehead. "Both of you."

Not without feeling a tiny ache in her heart after letting go of her baby, however realizing that he was in good hands with his father, she left to finally go to sleep.

Her family stayed at the pond and especially her husband enjoyed the last beams of sunlight that illuminated the sky. Bumi was very calm again, rocked to sleep by the gentle motion of his father's arm.

"Women, he?", Aang whispered more to himself as to his sleepy son im his arms. "They drive you crazy and they feel right about everything, but in the end of the day  you just can't but love them more than anything else in the entire world. Except you, Bumi. Your Dad loves you more than you could ever imagine.", he whispered and carefully as not to wake him up kissed his forehead. "You and your Mom give my life a purpose. And I'll be forever grateful for that."

Hope you liked it! Writing the reconciliation turned out to be a lot harder than I expected, I hope it didn’t get too cheesy in the end. 

Oh, by the way: I’ll soon be on a vacation in greece until the 24th, so I might not be able to write anything during that period. Trying my best however! :)

[hubroot]

Marari Beach : organic gardens by the sea

You know when you step onto a hot-pink petal strewn, leafy canopied path that you're in for a truly special time. The lush green grounds of the very eco-friendly Marari Beach resort do not disappoint!

I find myself delightedly following the greenery-soaked paths, pausing every so often to wonder at an unexpected lotus-pond here, fern-swathed trees there, butterflies and dragonflies everywhere!

A feeling that this place might just be THE one washes over me. You know what I mean ... the one that you find yourself drawn to returning to time after time. Where the blend of fragrances from blooms all around merge with soft bird-calls and a hushed shushurr of waves and riffling palm leaves in the background. I feel a contented sigh of peace rising up from my toes, reverberating through my whole body and escaping in a huge, happy smile. 'Hypnotic' doesn't even begin to cover it!

And then I hear about the resort's organic kitchen garden which grows not just veggies and fruits but even rice for their restaurant.

Paddy farming in a beach resort?! Any guesses just how fast I made my way there?

Meandering through a sunlit coconut grove en route, I'm so tempted to first take a quick dip in the clear blue waters of the Arabian Sea that I can see (and hear) just a few steps away. But I know full well that the 'quick dip' will invariably turn into a day-long one.

I have gardens to see!

A sun-kissed stone trough with bright red hibiscus floating languidly in it sets the tone for an exciting, yet so contradictorily, calming space. 

( pic source )

This!

This is what I'd give an arm and both legs to see. I love the lush, luxuriant velvetty green of young paddy fields. Set it inside a beach resort and it's guaranteed love at first sight.

  ( pic source )

I'm told that Marari Beach has been experimenting with growing various varieties of rice. 'Pokkali rice' which is tolerant of saline conditions and is perfectly suited to coastal conditions, has been grown very successfully here.

Now they are growing 'Uma' (not in the picture), a variety that does not require to be cultivated in the usual water-flooded fields but grows very well on dry land. A definite advantage in times of water scarcity!

(source )

I love this little thatch-roofed space overlooking the paddy field and vegetable garden. What a great place to sit and day-dream while contemplating everything green and bountiful! I'm seriously considering having one in my own vegetable garden. 

In the meantime, the meditation shack (as I have named it) at Marari Beach and its surrounding vegetable garden is my happy space. And the perfect spot to pick up so many pointers.

Raised beds of tapioca (cassava) cuttings just planted and waiting for the roots and leaves to kick in.

Tapioca is one of the favourite staples of coastal cuisine, especially in Kerala where it is paired with spicy fish or meat curries. 

It takes its time to be ready for harvest .... about 9 - 10 months ... and yes, the yield per plant is definitely worth the wait. Till then, the sight of the very decorative foliage makes it as pretty as any ornamental garden plant.

Now, take a look at some of the other crops that I found growing there. (Some of the photos suffer from too much mid-day sun hitting the lens. Please excuse that.)

( pic source )

Managing garden beds becomes much more practical when lining the edges with coconut husk. Locally available in abundance, coconut husk not only keeps the soil in place but it also conserves moisture by slowing down evaporation. 

Then of course, there is the added advantage of the husk composting and adding to the biomass which is so lacking in sandy soils. 

( pic source )

Sandy coastal soil is not the most fertile or conducive for bountiful gardens. One very earth-friendly solution is to layer beds with fallen coconut leaves and other garden waste.

Composting leaves add to the fertility of the soil, while at the same time, manages the garden-waste disposal. Always a good idea for any garden in other places too.

Alleys and walkways become so much more interesting when festooned with ripening passionfruit.

A quick glimpse of the Butterfly Garden is like a colour-burst!

There are purple Gomphrenas, blood-red Ixoras, golden Cosmos and Marigolds, Pentas and ... oh! so many more. This is a garden with a difference. All the plants grown here are those preferred by butterflies either as nectar plants or as host plants for their larvae (caterpillars). Of course, it helps that most of them are loved by garden-happy folk too .

The mid-day sun was not very kind (understatement!) on my camera lens. I forgot to use the filters to mellow the glare. I had it in my camera bag but I was so carried away by the flowers and butterflies that I forgot to take it out... typical! 

Blue Porterweed aka Verbena Azul (Stachytarpheta cayennensis) will always bring in the butterflies by the hordes. And they are such a brilliant blue, aren't they?

Dutchman's Pipe (Aristolchia indica) is the larval food of the Southern Birdwing, the largest butterfly that we have in India.

Other butterflies love this creeper too, including the Crimson Rose and Common Rose. The toxic properties of the plant help the caterpillars that eat it to ward off predators. (Excuse the noon-day glare in this photo, please.)

A pool of water is an irresistible invitation to courting damselfly couples (dragonflies love it too). Especially when it is in the midst of dense foliage and relatively undisturbed by people. 

A floating frond of fern just adds to the romantic, slightly surreal mood, I think. 

( pic source )

The value of nectar plants in the garden is indescribable until you actually see the butterflies flock to them. I just had to share this photo  of Blue Tigers from Marari Beach's archives (with permission, of course!).

I know I haven't spoken about the Marari Beach resort's gorgeous garden-enveloped pool villas with their own private walled gardens and pools or their signature open-to-the-sky private garden-bathrooms which have now been copycat-ed by innumerable hotels up and down and across the country.

Or about the whole clutch of awards and accolades that CGH Earth has earned for tourism and environment conservation ( Marari Beach is just one of its several exquisite destination resorts).

Or about the many earth-friendly, sustainable practices that they've adopted and which are worth following, even if on a smaller scale. 

Or about the fabulous food. (It stands to reason, right? Freshest of ingredients, picked just minutes before cooking, is half the flavour won!)

Or about the wonderfully helpful staff who went out of their way to show me around the vegetable garden and to identify the plants and butterflies in the Butterfly Garden. Or even about the gloriously beautiful location on one of India's most beautiful beaches with a wide swathe of golden sand and clear blue sea. Or about .... oh, so much more!

The simple fact is that a gardener blogger's priorities are different. Show me a hot-pink petal-strewn path and I'll follow it anytime, anywhere. The rest will just have to wait!

By the way, if you'd like to know more, and especially, if you'd like to see all that I didn't get around to mentioning, just click the links below .

Marari Beach 

CGH Earth 

Marari Beach : organic gardens by the sea published first on http://ift.tt/2tAdZ7e

[scrubtree]

Marari Beach : organic gardens by the sea

You know when you step onto a hot-pink petal strewn, leafy canopied path that you're in for a truly special time. The lush green grounds of the very eco-friendly Marari Beach resort do not disappoint!

I find myself delightedly following the greenery-soaked paths, pausing every so often to wonder at an unexpected lotus-pond here, fern-swathed trees there, butterflies and dragonflies everywhere!

A feeling that this place might just be THE one washes over me. You know what I mean ... the one that you find yourself drawn to returning to time after time. Where the blend of fragrances from blooms all around merge with soft bird-calls and a hushed shushurr of waves and riffling palm leaves in the background. I feel a contented sigh of peace rising up from my toes, reverberating through my whole body and escaping in a huge, happy smile. 'Hypnotic' doesn't even begin to cover it!

And then I hear about the resort's organic kitchen garden which grows not just veggies and fruits but even rice for their restaurant.

Paddy farming in a beach resort?! Any guesses just how fast I made my way there?

Meandering through a sunlit coconut grove en route, I'm so tempted to first take a quick dip in the clear blue waters of the Arabian Sea that I can see (and hear) just a few steps away. But I know full well that the 'quick dip' will invariably turn into a day-long one.

I have gardens to see!

A sun-kissed stone trough with bright red hibiscus floating languidly in it sets the tone for an exciting, yet so contradictorily, calming space. 

( pic source )

This!

This is what I'd give an arm and both legs to see. I love the lush, luxuriant velvetty green of young paddy fields. Set it inside a beach resort and it's guaranteed love at first sight.

  ( pic source )

I'm told that Marari Beach has been experimenting with growing various varieties of rice. 'Pokkali rice' which is tolerant of saline conditions and is perfectly suited to coastal conditions, has been grown very successfully here.

Now they are growing 'Uma' (not in the picture), a variety that does not require to be cultivated in the usual water-flooded fields but grows very well on dry land. A definite advantage in times of water scarcity!

(source )

I love this little thatch-roofed space overlooking the paddy field and vegetable garden. What a great place to sit and day-dream while contemplating everything green and bountiful! I'm seriously considering having one in my own vegetable garden. 

In the meantime, the meditation shack (as I have named it) at Marari Beach and its surrounding vegetable garden is my happy space. And the perfect spot to pick up so many pointers.

Raised beds of tapioca (cassava) cuttings just planted and waiting for the roots and leaves to kick in.

Tapioca is one of the favourite staples of coastal cuisine, especially in Kerala where it is paired with spicy fish or meat curries. 

It takes its time to be ready for harvest .... about 9 - 10 months ... and yes, the yield per plant is definitely worth the wait. Till then, the sight of the very decorative foliage makes it as pretty as any ornamental garden plant.

Now, take a look at some of the other crops that I found growing there. (Some of the photos suffer from too much mid-day sun hitting the lens. Please excuse that.)

( pic source )

Managing garden beds becomes much more practical when lining the edges with coconut husk. Locally available in abundance, coconut husk not only keeps the soil in place but it also conserves moisture by slowing down evaporation. 

Then of course, there is the added advantage of the husk composting and adding to the biomass which is so lacking in sandy soils. 

( pic source )

Sandy coastal soil is not the most fertile or conducive for bountiful gardens. One very earth-friendly solution is to layer beds with fallen coconut leaves and other garden waste.

Composting leaves add to the fertility of the soil, while at the same time, manages the garden-waste disposal. Always a good idea for any garden in other places too.

Alleys and walkways become so much more interesting when festooned with ripening passionfruit.

A quick glimpse of the Butterfly Garden is like a colour-burst!

There are purple Gomphrenas, blood-red Ixoras, golden Cosmos and Marigolds, Pentas and ... oh! so many more. This is a garden with a difference. All the plants grown here are those preferred by butterflies either as nectar plants or as host plants for their larvae (caterpillars). Of course, it helps that most of them are loved by garden-happy folk too .

The mid-day sun was not very kind (understatement!) on my camera lens. I forgot to use the filters to mellow the glare. I had it in my camera bag but I was so carried away by the flowers and butterflies that I forgot to take it out... typical! 

Blue Porterweed aka Verbena Azul (Stachytarpheta cayennensis) will always bring in the butterflies by the hordes. And they are such a brilliant blue, aren't they?

Dutchman's Pipe (Aristolchia indica) is the larval food of the Southern Birdwing, the largest butterfly that we have in India.

Other butterflies love this creeper too, including the Crimson Rose and Common Rose. The toxic properties of the plant help the caterpillars that eat it to ward off predators. (Excuse the noon-day glare in this photo, please.)

A pool of water is an irresistible invitation to courting damselfly couples (dragonflies love it too). Especially when it is in the midst of dense foliage and relatively undisturbed by people. 

A floating frond of fern just adds to the romantic, slightly surreal mood, I think. 

( pic source )

The value of nectar plants in the garden is indescribable until you actually see the butterflies flock to them. I just had to share this photo  of Blue Tigers from Marari Beach's archives (with permission, of course!).

I know I haven't spoken about the Marari Beach resort's gorgeous garden-enveloped pool villas with their own private walled gardens and pools or their signature open-to-the-sky private garden-bathrooms which have now been copycat-ed by innumerable hotels up and down and across the country.

Or about the whole clutch of awards and accolades that CGH Earth has earned for tourism and environment conservation ( Marari Beach is just one of its several exquisite destination resorts).

Or about the many earth-friendly, sustainable practices that they've adopted and which are worth following, even if on a smaller scale. 

Or about the fabulous food. (It stands to reason, right? Freshest of ingredients, picked just minutes before cooking, is half the flavour won!)

Or about the wonderfully helpful staff who went out of their way to show me around the vegetable garden and to identify the plants and butterflies in the Butterfly Garden. Or even about the gloriously beautiful location on one of India's most beautiful beaches with a wide swathe of golden sand and clear blue sea. Or about .... oh, so much more!

The simple fact is that a gardener blogger's priorities are different. Show me a hot-pink petal-strewn path and I'll follow it anytime, anywhere. The rest will just have to wait!

By the way, if you'd like to know more, and especially, if you'd like to see all that I didn't get around to mentioning, just click the links below .

Marari Beach 

CGH Earth 

Marari Beach : organic gardens by the sea published first on http://ift.tt/2r0QZwX

[mysaldate]

DouKoto fairy AU

Original idea by @dumplingsworship

Title: Flowery dreams Fandom: Kimetsu no Yaiba/Demon Slayer Pairing: Douma/Kotoha Characters: Douma, Kotoha Hashibira, Muzan Kibutsuji, random temple servant, mentions of Nakime Rating: G Word count: 3543

“So...” Douma looks the servant up and down once more before returning his glance to the glass in the man’s hands. “You found this outside in the gardens?”

“Yes, Gracious Founder.” The man speaks with his head bowed, obviously puzzled. Quite possibly even more than the demon himself. Awkwardly, he holds the glass out to him and Douma accepts with the same uncertainness in his movements.

“Thank you. You’re dismissed.”

The servant leaves and Douma is left alone with the strange little thing in the glass. Now that he looks at it closely, it almost looks like a human girl, only she is tiny – so very tiny – and appears to have colorful semi-transparent wings that are wrapped all around the petite body like a blanket. She’s asleep for now but that’s probably to be expected since the sun has only just peeked above the horizon a little while ago.

The demon sets the glass on the floor and waits as he sees the girl starting to stir in her sleep. He aura is different from that of a demon but nor is she human, obviously. But he hasn’t really heard of any other creatures in this world. Then again, if demons exist, who’s to say tiny little... things like this one can’t be real either?

The small wings flutter open and his pocket-sized prisoner stretches out her teensy arms with a yawn. He can now see that she’s clad in what looks like a white flower petal dress. Her ebony black hair turns into a wonderful blue shade towards the end and it reminds him of the picture of the sea he’s once seen in a book when he was a little child. It cascades down her back between the butterfly-like wings and ends just a bit short of her skirt, pooling around her slim ankles.

Finally, she opens her eyes, shiny green lanterns of a morning forest. Her look meets Douma’s rainbow-colored orbs and she comes to a halt with her movements. It takes her a moment to comprehend where she is and who’s watching her so intently.

Once it does click, however, she lets out a yelp and skips to the other side of the glass, bumping her back against the invisible barrier. It makes the demon chuckle ever so lightly as he sits back, holding up his hands in a defensive gesture.

“There there, little one.” He offers her a bright grin. “I’m not gonna hurt you, calm down.”

It doesn’t seem like she trusts him for the time being, not much at least, but she stops pressing herself against the blockade so tightly. It’s almost a miracle she hasn’t accidentally tripped over her own hair with how long it is but he supposes she’s used to it. She probably knows how and where to step.

Connecting her hands at her front, she lowers her head a little and looks up at him through her rich eyelashes. If her eyes were any dimmer, he doubts he’d see them at all.

“Please, let me go.” She pleads in a voice just as tiny as he would expect from a creature as petite as her. And he has to admit he’s almost smitten to do her bidding. Alas, he only shakes his head with yet another cheerful grin.

“Sorry miss! Can’t do. You snuck into my garden without permission. For all I know, you might as well be a thief or an evil sprite.” Of course, that’s ridiculous. She’s much too small to carry anything away and much too pretty to be anything related to evil gremlins supposedly lurking the earth to bring bad luck upon humans. Not to mention he isn’t even human in the first place.

A panicked look flashes through her eyes and he would probably feel sorry for her, were he anyone else. She stumbles over her words and for a moment, he can’t exactly make out anything of what she’s mumbling but when she looks at him again, he can tell she’s somewhere between determined to prove him wrong and fearful of what he might do if she fails. His years of reading in people really do come in handy at the weirdest times.

“I’m a fairy!” She exclaims, motioning towards her wings. “Or would a sprite have wings like this? An evil sprite? And I didn’t steal anything, I promise! I’m sorry for coming to your garden without asking first but I really didn’t have any ill intentions! I just...”

“Hmm?” Douma raises a brow when she stops so abruptly but she simply avoids his look. “You just?”

“I just thought the flowers looked lovely...” Her answer comes in so quiet he barely hears it but it draws a short laugh from him. What a cute little thing, what an innocent being.

He reaches out and plays with the glass for a little, not tilting it enough for her to slip out from under it. That would be a shame now that he’s got himself such an amusing companion. Even if he’s still a bit doubtful about her claim of being a fairy. Weren’t those things at least human-sized?

“I’ll forward your compliments to the servants taking care of them.” He shuffles a little closer, reveling in how the self-proclaimed fairy squeezes herself once more against the glass wall of her make-shift prison. “Now, what to do with you though? I don’t really have a reason to let you go, do I?”

“You... I will fulfill a wish for you if you let me go!” Gathering up all the courage in her tiny body, she steps up closer to him again, pressing her hands on the glass separating them. It almost looks like she might tear up at any moment and he’s not really too keen on the idea.

He taps on the glass a little, just enough to send her tumbling back on her butt. Though it’s more because he’s surprised her than him using too much power. Still, it makes for a comical show. “I don’t know, you don’t seem like you can fulfill any wish I might have.”

“But... I can...” Sitting on the floor, dumbstruck and untrusted, the fairy’s eyes well up with tears that soon slip down her pale cheeks and drip on her pearly white skirt. The demon recoils slightly, giving her some space but she doesn’t show any signs of stopping the sobs or the shivers of her shoulders. “I will make any wish come true... I promise... Let me go... Please...”

What a situation... If anyone were to come in right at that moment, Douma could probably never explain. Still, he doesn’t really want to give in so easily. He glances around the room. All the windows and doors are closed. He can’t let the sunlight in after all. There shouldn’t really be a way for her to escape.

She doesn’t even notice at first when he lifts the glass up, face buried in her hands as more and more droplets of her sadness slip through her fingers. Only once he nudges her gently with his finger does she look up again, noticing the sudden freedom. He expects her to take off and search for a way out immediately but to his great surprise, she stays put, letting his careful touch travel through her hair.

The silence stretches through the room as the last of her hiccups die down as well, their eyes connected for the longest while since she woke up. Then, just as quickly as it came, it passes again as she avoids his look, turning her glance down to her tightly clenched fists in her lap.

“So... what do you want?” She asks finally. “I don’t care if it’s something selfish. Like money or health or love or... I don’t care, just make a wish.” She’s probably flustered by his pats. At least that’s what it seems like to him. Her hair is a little messy now and he’s the only one to blame but somehow, it brings a smile to his face rather than making him feel guilty.

He taps his chin as if he were deep in thoughts but eventually just clasps his hands with a gleeful smile. “Sorry! I can’t think of anything right now! But I know of someone who will surely have a wish for you! It’s alright if it’s for someone else, right?”

The tiny girl looks up at him a little confused. She’s probably not sure if it’s possible either but before she can voice any concerns, Douma picks her up by her waist, just carefully enough not to squish her, and drops her on the palm of his hand. “It’s fine, I’ll just make a wish that their wish comes true! That works, right?”

It still takes her a while to think about it and he’s almost sure he will just have to keep her trapped under the glass again until she agrees but then the fairy gives him a firm nod. “Yes. That works!”

“Good!” Douma cheers, aiming to place her on his shoulder but she flies up from his hand and hovers in the air near his face instead. Well, that works too. “Let’s go meet that person then!”

He swings open the door to the Infinity Fortress and a gush of chill air welcomes them in his favorite room. Lotus flowers bloom all over the pond with a porch coming right out of the water, spacious room is filled with the sweet scent of the blossoms and fresh, clean water. The fairy hesitates for a moment before following behind him finally, taking in the full beauty of the chamber. He hears a soft gasp escape her and even faster than he can fully percept, she dashes over to the nearest flower peeking its opened head from the water.

“Hey biwa girl!” Douma calls in a greeting, causing the fairy to still her movements and give him a puzzled look. He has to remind himself his little friend has no idea where they are or how the place works. It’s pretty adorable, at least in his opinion. “Can you open the door to wherever Muzan is at the moment? I have something that will surely interest him!”

Silence is his only answer but he knows better than to rush the resident demon of the place. She could very well just shut him out and block him from visiting for a while if he’s too annoying. It wouldn’t be the first time that’s happened. While he waits for any kind of response, he sits down at the edge of the porch and watches the fairy skip from bloom to bloom.

It’s like she’s dancing and he has to admire the lightness of her movements. It’s maybe to be expected due to her size but it still feels as if she’s just floating along, not even touching the gentle petals, not disrupting the water surface in the slightest. She must really like flowers. It makes her earlier statement about the reason for her visit all the more believable.

“So then, miss fairy!” He calls out to her when she gets a little too far. And just as he'd expect, she’s quick to hurry back closer. “Do I just call you like that or do you have a name? I’m Douma by the way.”

It seems she’s finally starting to relax around him as she sits down in the flower she’s standing on and glances up at him, returning the smile he offers her, though shyer and smaller. “Nice to meet you, Mr. Douma. I’m Kotoha.”

“Just Douma is fine enough, you know?” It’s not like he’s gonna call her lady Kotoha just because he knows her name now so it feels only fair that she would just use his name as well. “Do you really like flowers this much?”

“How much?” She cocks her head to the side, clearly confused by his choice of words. “Is there something wrong with me enjoying the flowers here..?”

She has to be a little stupid at least if she means that seriously. Douma doesn’t really feel like explaining what he meant either though so he just shakes his head with another carefree smirk. “Don’t worry about it, Kotoha! It just surprised me, that’s all.”

The strum of biwa suddenly fills the place, casing the unexpecting fairy to nearly jump up in fright. It’s amusing to the demon but for the sake of the whole wish-granting thing, he muffles his chuckle and instead gives the poor thing an apologetic look. “Sorry about that, I should’ve warned you. But it means we can now go see the friend whose wish I want you to fulfill!”

She doesn’t say anything but from the look she gives him, Douma can easily tell what’s going on inside her head. She wants to be done with it quickly, though not because it feels annoying to her. If anything, he would say she’s anxious. And that’s not even knowing who is she coming to meet. She either has a really good intuition or she’s just shy regardless of the standing of her company. Either way works just fine for him.

Kotoha finally flies out of the blossom she’s settled down in before and approaches him again as he gets up. The door on the other side of the room cracks open just enough so he can see a lean boy sitting in an antique-looking armchair and reading a book. But based on the air surrounding him, it’s clear the biwa girl isn’t mistaken about their target.

Douma walks into the room confidently, a proud grin playing on his lips. He knows he doesn’t have to say anything since Muzan can already hear his thoughts but for the sake of his little friend and so as not to confuse her even further, he still speaks up, his usual cheer just as polished as ever.

“Good morning! I’ve got some good news!”

Muzan peers at him over the book, clearly not very happy about seeing him. It’s been so long since the last meeting Douma almost feels hurt by the obvious displeasure on his superior’s face. Almost.

“Look what I’ve got!” He snatches Kotoha from the air before she can escape him and holds her out towards Muzan with a tinge of pride in his chest.

To say that Muzan looks disinterested would be an understatement but Douma can’t quite recall any stronger word to use at the moment. He can feel Kotoha squirming around in his hold so he loosens up a bit so she can relax some more.

“You disturb me because you started collecting dolls?”

He’s not sure what he was expecting but he didn’t really think Muzan’s opinion of him was that low. Still, his smile remains unchanged even though his complaint was very well heard. Just not commented, probably since it promises something better.

“Not a doll! This is a fairy who can make a wish come true! But I couldn’t think of anything to ask so I thought you might have some idea!”

There’s a red flash and the next thing he knows, his head is repairing itself from a particularly nasty punch. Kotoha doesn’t seem to have comprehended what just happened but she shrieks as she looks back at him. Finally, new hair washes over his scalp and he can grin properly without risking popping the joints in his jaw out again.

Muzan, on the other hand, seems to be far from a good mood.

“You couldn’t think of anything.” He repeats and though his voice stays even, Douma can tell he’s fuming. Well, Kotoha can probably tell too. The demon lord has never been good at hiding his emotions after all. Douma has to avoid a book flung at him for that thought. “You couldn’t think of a single thing to ask when you have the chance to have anything at all!”

“Well, it was a little sudden and it’s not like I’m hungry or hurt or anything. There isn’t a single thing I could want.” Douma just gives a light shrug, watching the boy stomp closer and yank him down by the fabric of his turtleneck.

“You’re not supposed to want anything for yourself!” Oh, now it clicks in his head. And as if to confirm his thoughts, Muzan goes on. “Your first priority should be looking for the blue spider lily and ridding the world of demon slayers! Yet, you can only think of your stomach, as always!”

Knowing full well he can’t argue with that, Douma just gives a sheepish smile, hoping to be let go soon. Before long, Muzan is facing his tiny fairy and the little thing looks about ready to break down. Poor Kotoha, but it’s her fault for agreeing without knowing what kind of person he was.

“Can you kill the demon slayers?” Muzan’s frown is colder than Douma’s ice at that moment and he’s almost worried his teensy treasure will freeze in his hands but she only shakes her head.

That’s a bit of a surprise so Douma decides to speak up. Maybe he can get back on Muzan’s somewhat good side if he tries hard enough? Of course, it’s most likely pointless with that sort of attitude. “Didn’t you say you would fulfill any wish?”

“I... I did but... I can’t just kill someone!” She’s tearing up now again and Douma quickly relaxes his hold a bit further to make sure it’s not from pain because of his hold. She doesn’t stop. So it’s probably for some other reason. Oh well, he did what he could.

“Then what about the blue spider lily?” Figuring there would be no talking to her if she’s crying, Douma decides to focus on the other thing his boss wants. Just as he expected, her sobbing calms down soon enough and she looks up at him with swollen eyes before, finally, giving a nod.

“That’s fine, that... that shouldn’t be a problem.”

He releases her and lets her float on her own over to the desk situated under the window in the room. It faces west so the sun isn’t directly visible yet but it has to be a pain in the evenings for sure. She flutters over, placing her hands on the wood and for a moment, she goes still, focusing hard. Though he stays quiet, Muzan’s doubts are practically audible at that point.

But Douma is hopeful. She’s such a cute little thing and she doesn’t seem like a liar. Maybe she will be able to help, at least a little bit. Her tiny hands light up as blue as the ends of her hair and it doesn’t take long for a small sprout to appear, coming right out of the wood. It’s not very big and he has no idea whether it is even the correct plant but she all but collapses next to it with a proud smile.

He comes over to scoop her up in his hands with a grin and pats her hair again. “Is that it?”

“It is.” She answers him weakly. It seems she got all exhausted from such a spell. 

Muzan paces over impatiently, checking the weak sprout with a glare. It’s not usable by any means but if it survives for long enough to bloom out, it might be of some good. Still, the boy doesn’t seem too pleased.

“Well, if that’s all you can do!” Douma chirps happily, letting the fairy settle down in his hands. She’s kind of cute like this, exhausted and sleepy. She nuzzles against the palm of his hand, wrapping herself up in her delicate wings. It’s not long before she falls right back asleep. It makes Douma chuckle but he doesn’t try waking her up. She’s deserved her rest after all.

“Will you stick around for much longer?” Muzan’s voice is more than heavily laced with irritation and Douma doesn’t particularly wish to push his luck any further. With his usual trademark grin, he says his goodbyes and leaves through the exit provided by the biwa girl. He doesn’t much bother to think about how will Muzan get the plant out of his desk or what will he do if he needs to move before it can fully bloom. For the time being, he’s satisfied to have seen his little fairy at work.

He sets her down on one of his cushions as soon as they reach home and sends one of the temple maidens to pick him a few fresh flowers from the garden. Another one is sent for a large glass tank, he’s sure he’s seen it somewhere before. And before his tiny companion can wake up, he makes sure her new home is decorated nicely enough with soft pieces of fabric and beautiful flower heads laid out all around.

He sets her down carefully and covers the tank with a wooden plank so she wouldn’t escape. At least he has something to do now. Watching the little thing sleep, he just smiles to himself. There may not be a paradise for his followers. There may not be any for fairies like her either. But at least he can be a step closer to one for himself.