#when im feeling down and hard on myself sometimes i just scroll through the comments on ao3 and the asks on tumblr

[allylikethecat]

foaming at the mouth trying to wait patiently ☺️

Ahhh I hope you enjoy the updates!!! The All the King's Horses chapter has just been posted! I will have the Make Way for Ducklings chapter up and ready on Tuesday! I hope all of these updates are worth the wait! I cannot wait to hear your thoughts!

I hope you are having a very happy friday and that you have a great weekend!

❤️Ally

[polarseven]

it's very hard for me to exist in the house I live in, I'll go weeks with no incident and then while talking to my mom she scrolls through facebook messenger, I think she's sending something to me and comment that she scrolled past me, and then she comments on how it'd be easier to tell with a different profile picture. she comments on how it's not a good one and her friends tall her it's not a good phot, and I comment that my friends think it's a good photo and she says they're lying to me?

and it breaks down into arguments and discussions and fights over transness and who I am and how it's wrong and I was perfectly fine and there's not anything wrong with me and how I don't have to be trans, and she apologizes for what she says about the photo but then goes on to say that the hrut she feels is much, much worse and I've barely apologized for it. and how I've screamed the f word at her (which is true, I did it after she said I emotionally abused her and I said/screamed something like "what the fuck" or "you're fucking joking" to her) and how I said they were terrible parents (not true, I said something like "they weren't terrible but they're pretty bad") and that I've treated them far worse than they've treated me

but like this doesn't get into the year(s) she told me I "used" to look so handsome when I first started growing my hair out, because of course while I don't like being referred to as handsome she has to say I "used" to, as if I'm not anymore. and all the christian stuff I've had to take and hear from her, all the times we've fought in the past, all the very small small things that add up to be so much.

and I'm pretty sure on both my and her side we accidentally gaslight the fuck out of each other because both of our memories are terrible so we misremember things all the time, and I hate being recorded but sometimes she does to have proof anyways, which is very jarring but does prove that I was wrong and she was right, but also I never record stuff so I never get to prove myself right either. and with me being autistic I get confused over phrasing when they say I said things slightly differently than I did. like in the aforementioned thing they said i screamed the f word at her, which I didn't do. there was a whole sentence around it, I dind't just scream the f word. and those are different and I didn't do one I did the other but they say they're the same and I just don't get it and then there's videos and I can't help but wonder if I'm the one who's wrong because the videos they have are always with me at fault, because my parents don't really scream, it's more subtle and manipulative than that but when I snap back or retaliate there's not really proof you can simply record for that, it's misremembered things, things went differently, twists and changes and the way they say things to manipulate and i'm gonna fucking lose it. im gonna lsoe it you guys and i don't know what to do or how to get out, i can't move out because everywhere nearby is too expensive (greater than $800 a month) and I don't know what to do to move out and be successful in life and move forward and i still love my parents and I want to fix thigns buit I fucking can't,m i can't des[pite how hard i try and i don't wanna cut them off but I don't knwon what to do and all this happened on the fucking day of my friends birthday/christmas party who lives three hours and a timezone away and I woke up at eleven for this and not im gonna be incredibly late when I was gonna be almost right on time and im tired. im fucking tired and i hate this and want out and i don't know what to do and it'll probably be peaceul and quiet after this for weeks or months until something happens again and i cry and this whole fucking cycle restarts and i don't know how much is my fault, because I know some definitely is, because like. screaming profanities isn't a good way to handle things. but also I feel like there's not much leftd to do and I don't know how to handle this and I'mn gonna fucking snap but my only close friend who's in town lives with people who aren't there for me despite sayuin gthey'd be and I have no found family nbearby and I recently got a job so I can't move up[ to ohio with my other friends to get away from it all and I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I knodoin wkknow what to do,

[sunflowerinpearls]

I’m gonna get extremely real and be vulnerable for a quick second.

Lily has been a handful since coming through the door yesterday after school. I don’t know what she’s going through because she won’t talk about everything, and I’m not forcing her to do anything. I’m telling myself that “My child is not intending to give ME a hard time; my child is HAVING a hard time!” Yet, here I am being triggered by own daughter’s words, actions, and behaviors because of the abusive environment In which I was forced to grow up in for 18 years.

Lily has told me several times yesterday and today to “Shut the frick up!” and has also demanded several different things. And when Derek came home from work yesterday he also had to have a serious conversation with her on the absolute disrespect she has for me. And it’s only me. It’s not grandma, papa, dad…It’s me. I get that I’m her safe place but I’d also like to not be triggered to the point of having to take extra Xanex. :// And I have to remain calm so I can calm her down.

I’m glad I’m learning how to parent better but it ain’t f***ing easy being a child of nothing but abuse, neglect and abandonment…and turning to the child that’s triggering you by screaming, their words, etc and NOT do what was done to me. It’s as if it’s instant reflex sometimes to do and say exactly what was done and said to me. So I learned that to be a better mother, I just need to walk away. And it’s true!!! It’s not a bad thing to walk away from a person of any age who can’t calm themselves and is in turn, triggering you…so don’t comment and tell me that I shouldn’t be walking away from my 10 year old daughter. You didn’t carry her for 39 weeks, 4 days. You didn’t hold and kiss and hug her first - her Parents did. You are not her parent or any of her care takers’, so either keep scrolling or keep the mouth zipped. 🤫

I am the adult here and it is my job to make my kids feel, number one, SAFE. Number 2 is loved. If you know how I’m raising my child(ren), you’ll understand why safety is my number 1 Priority and I’m not here to explain why right now.

I’m here to vent as a Mother who had to parent their 3 children and screw up a lot before finally getting it corrected. None of us are perfect parents because none of us are perfect people.

Only you know your kids.

And I’m here to keep mine safe, loved, healthy and happy!

When you know better, DO BETTER!

EDIT:

Lily went to grandmas. No hug or kiss for me. She’s holding a grudge. Idk what to tell her. She can’t treat me like that and me want to be around her. We respect each other in our house.

And last night during the family discussion, I had to interrupt Christine and correct her for telling Lily “You can’t treat people like that in their house” and I said “Wait. Im sorry to interrupt you, but I have to. This is her house, too. And yours. And Jacks. And Daddy’s. And theirs (and I pointed at all of the pets). It is everyone’s home and we need to treat each other with respect. Please continue.” And she said “Well you’re right” & did continue lol

[iwadori]

When you ask the haikyu boys “do you think I'm pretty?” (Iwaizumi, Atsumu, Kuroo)

genre: slight angst, fluff

masterlist

Iwaizumi: You and Iwaizumi were lounging in your room, him laying in bed watching tv whilst you were standing in the mirror staring at yourself. “hey Y/N-”

“Hajime, do you think I'm pretty?” you asked still staring at yourself, poking and prodding at your body as you look in the mirror. Iwaizumi looked at you as if you’ve grown another head, and stood up standing behind you in the mirror placing his face in the crook of your neck with his hands wrapping around your waist making you jump slightly “Hajime,” you groan “your hands are cold.”

“I don’t care Y/N,” he said keeping his hands there “me and my cold hands aren’t moving until you tell me what’s brought on your weird question.”

“It’s nothing...” you mumble, your eyes now casting away from the mirror.

“Well it’s something,” he said giving you a slight squeeze, making you wince from the coldnest off his hands “c’mon Y/N, I just want you to feel better”

You relax into his hold and stare back at the mirror, “it’s just sometimes, when I look at myself in the mirror I don’t feel good. Sometimes I try and avoid looking at myself overall, its unbearable... All parts about me, my -”

“Woah, don’t continue your sentence babe,” he raises his head from the crook of you neck looking directly at you in the mirror “I don’t want to hear you talking about yourself like that, I know it may be hard right now and my words may not mean anything. But I need you to know that I think you’re pretty and I’ll tell you that everyday if I have to just so that you know you’re beautiful.”

“But Iwa don’t you think I need to change?”

“Nope, not at all.” he says resting his face back into your neck “If you want to change, then I can’t stop you but I don’t want you to do it, just because you think you aren’t pretty, you’re goregous Y/N” he mumbles the last bit directly on your neck, and your heart flutters from his words and feeling the vibration of his voice directly on your skin.

He spins you around so you’re now actually facing him, “It saddens me to hear you think that way about yourself, but I promise I'll make sure you know otherwise because I love you, regardless of what you look like” he says finishing with a kiss on your forehead.

Atsumu: You were scrolling through instagram and smiled seeing your boyfriend as the picture for a Sports AD, when you go to the page he was psted on you see even more pictures of him posted with beautiful women, smiling and laughing. You decided to scroll through the comments and saw majority of them just gushing over how good the girl and your boyfriend looked together and it made you a little hurt inside.

Atsumu eventually got home from practice and saw you in your closet, tear stained and rummaging through everything you own. You don’t really know how you made it into this position but after seeing those comments and reading some angst works, you managed to get yourself into this state.

“Y/N are you alright?” he said shocked by your sad appearance.

“Atsumu do you think im pretty?” you asked with a frown. He was even more stunned hearing this question leave your lips, he went to sit down next to you in your closet and his eyes softened seeing how sad you really looked.

“Of course I think your pretty!” he said putting his hand on your thigh “Why wouldn’t I?”

“I don’t know, but wouldn’t you feel better with someone who matches you physically?” you asked,

“What do you mean? You’re the one that matches me”

“I saw the ad deal you did, with that beautiful girl and all the comments were talking about how great you looked together, and I can’t say I disagree.”

“Don’t say that Y/N, she was just a model and you are the prettiest girl I know and that isn’t even a lie” he says.

“You really think so?” you ask putting your face in your hands, suddenly feeling embarrased.

“Yes I do” he pulls you into his arms, lifting your head out of your arms “you really are beautiful, and I don’t see how you don’t see it, but I hope one day you do.”

“Thanks Tsumu, I hope so too” you said, smiling as he gives you a soft kiss on the forehead “now will you help me put back all my clothes.”

“Sure” he saids standing up “Only if you answer this serious question,”

“What?”

“Who’s prettier, me or Osamu?” he said with all seriousness, staring at you hardly for an answer.

“Well....” you say “Osamu does have prettier eyes” you joke laughing as Atsumu grabs a tshirt and throws it at you.

Kuroo: you and Kuroo were watching TV, and you could tell by the way that Kuroo was looking at you that things were about to get a little heated making you feel nervous. When you show ended and Kuroo leaned towards you giving you a kiss, at first you let him kiss you but then you just froze when he felt his hands start to wonder.

“Y/N, are you okay?” he asked moving from you and looking worried.

“Do you think I’m pretty?”

“What do you mean? Of course you’re pretty” he said now fully confused.

“Remember, Lev’s sister from highschool Alisa? The russian looking model?”

“Yeah, what about her?”

“You used to pine, after her fawning and fanning over her beauty and of course back then I didn’t look like her and I don’t look like her now so I jus- I dont know...”

“So you don’t think your pretty because of my apparent teenage crush on Lev’s sister?” he asked slightly dumbfounded.

“No, It’s just all the women you surround yourself around just aren’t like me at all, and I am just ugly in comparison.”

“Don’t say that Y/N, I don’t know why you think this. Because if you didn’t notice, all the times i was apparently ‘pining,’ after Alisa in highschool, I was really staring at you. Why do you think I invited you to all our games back then and all the women I am around aren’t like you because there is noone that can be compared to you, seriously Y/N” he said “When I first met you, I thought you were beautiful and of course you’ve changed a bit its called growing up and I don’t want you to feel that you aren’t pretty or that I don’t find you pretty because I do, of course I do. Everyone I possibly knows I do, because they probably do too.”

“Oh”

“Yeah oh.” he repeated with his usual goofy smirk on his face, he pulls you into his holds and peppers kisses all over your face “You are beautiful, and I’ll tell you that every second of the day.”

“Thanks Tetsu, I know I'm being a bit silly and all but sometimes I do just think you’re better off with someone better.”

“Well theres noone better than you babes,” he puts on another show and spends the rest of the night complimenting every part of you, from a scar you gained when you were a child, to the shape of your ears and eyelashes to the little moles you didn’t even know you had but it seems he knew, since he pays attention and loves every single part of you.

General taglist [bold can’t be tagged]: @saxuuxi, @iimoonii @hamdehlesmis @Shoyosupremacy, @iambashfulperson @kayleighbeccaa @dearkousei @bakugouswh0r3 @xedspirits @borpcorp @soft-angel-clouds @foxxtrot-116 @Xogiaaa, @jesssobs @apple-poptarts @galagcica @letssssus s @random-734 @rinyx @rybunie @cant-think-of-a-username @kuroohoeee @kellesvt @jojowantstocry @shinsouscatpisssmell @succulentmom @crystal-lilacs @jihyunieeee @mysterystarz @flushphoria @tetsunarin @joyaphoria @elektrosonix @maizumis @fandomsgotmefucked @drageonix22 @uwu-queen-420 @crapimahuman @tesoromia @pelicanpizza @conchetucona @akaashis-wife @crystal-lilac @bokutoslittledoll @taroboba111 [join the taglist here]

AN: message to you all... whenever I write short things like this it means I lack INSPIRATION AND IDEAS sooo um yeah

[crowtrinkets]

Your Weary Widow Marches

A Gender Neutral MCxFelix fic in which our dear barista educates their teacher and shows him some music from their home.

I’ve never really written fanfiction before but I thought Id give it a shot. The formatting looks weird on my end so if it looks weird after posting I apologize I couldn’t figure it out. Hope you enjoy!

—-

The crackling fire and pages being turned were the only sounds heard for the past few hours. Felix and I sat on either side of a couch placed in Anisa’s office silently reading our respective books. I’ve been in Astraea for nearly a week and had I known that Felix’s teaching method would be done via reading books the size of an encyclopedia I probably would have chosen Sage or Anisa instead... probably

I glance up at Felix, he’s sitting with legs crossed slouching on the arm rest of the couch, glasses on and enthralled in his book. I'm leaning with my back against the arm rest facing Felix, peering at him from behind my knees. I watch as his eyes scan the pages, partially hiding behind my book so he doesn’t notice me stare. I rub my eyes, dry from the endless reading of Astraean history. I know plenty of history and lore from this world thanks to countless hours of playing Last Legacy and stalking forums, but I don’t think I could’ve convinced Felix of that without having to explain what video games are let alone the internet. He thought if I were to learn magic I should at least know part of its history and it’s contribution to their society. 

Despite spending some time with Felix I'm still amazed at the attention span he has for reading. I scan the room trying not to move too much lest I be scolded by the warden. I glance over at the high back chair across the room. The one Anisa sat me in after my jaunt through Felix’s portal and painfully onto Anisa's desk. My mind begins to wander. 

I’ve only been here a short time but I feel like I’ve adjusted well. I wonder what's happening on Earth. Does time pass the same at home like how it does in this realm? World? Alternate universe? I still don’t exactly know how to explain my predicament. Has anyone noticed I'm gone yet? I wonder if I’m on the missing persons list, someone at work will have noticed I didn’t show up for my shifts. I cringe slightly at that last thought, my open book now resting on my chest. Ah damn it, I’m definitely fired aren’t I. How am I gonna pay my bills.... and my home, I miss my bed....my plants. SHIT MY PLANTS. I bring my hand to my face and cringe, my beloved house plants they’re going to wither away in my absence. Fate is such a cruel mistress.

“Bored of reading are we?” I slightly jump at Felix’s comment. I bring my hand down and look at him. Staring at me through his glasses a smirk on his lips. I flush slightly and close my book.

“No I just, got to thinking about Earth, and my life, I guess I’m just a little home sick,” I mumble out those last words. I want to be honest with Felix but I don’t want him beating himself up for my situation. I mean yes he is the reason I’m stuck here but I don't hate him for it. Felix frowns and closes his own book.

“Ah... I am sorry about that, I-“ I sit up interrupting him.

“No no no, I'm not mad at you, I’m actually quite enjoying my time here. I mean I don’t have to make drinks for annoying customers everyday here,” I force a laugh but it comes out awkwardly. Felix gives me a quizzical look. I then realize, with the amount of times he calls “dear barista” I just assumed he knew what it meant. “Yknow, my job? A barista?” Felix flushes and avoids looking at me.

“I must admit.. I do not actually know what that is,” I cant help but chuckle, the great necromancer Felix, is embarrassed to not know something.

“Well my dear teacher," I emphasize the word teacher mimicking the way he calls me, "allow me to educate you on some Earth information,” I sit cross legged and scoot closer to him book in my lap. Felix adjusts to face me properly and removes his glasses. I clear my throat and smile at him. “My part time occupation of being a Barista, requires me to make drinks for customers and sell them, more often I make coffee but sometimes people order tea. We sell pastries as well,” Felix gives me yet another confused look.

“All you do is prepare drinks and flakey confectioneries?” I nod in response with a smile, I can only imagine what he assumed a Barista was. Felix chuckles and runs a hand through his hair, “All this time I thought it was something more complicated, you described your customers as being annoying? I am assuming you do not like this particular job?”

“Well, I don't hate it but the customers can get a little rude and for the dumbest reasons too. One time a woman threw her drink at me claiming I added 3 1/2 shots of espresso and rather than 3,” I laugh to my self looking back at the memory, chuckling more when I see Felix’s horrified expression.

“A woman... threw a drink at you? Because she deemed it made incorrectly? I did not except Earth customs to be so. . . Barbaric,” Felix looks at me astonished and confused but all I can do is laugh. “And why are you laughing? Are you alright did she hit your head when she assaulted you with a beverage?” Felix is now standing while I clutch my stomach in pain, the combination of the story and Felix’s confusion is too much to bare. After a minute I manage to calm down enough to speak.

“No no, she did not hit me in the head, I’m just laughing cause it was funny, well at the time it wasn’t but my co workers took pictures and I looked ridiculous. I can laugh about it now,” I wipe a stray tear from my eye as I recount the experience. Thank god her drink was iced. 

“Picture?” Felix chimes in. I try to think of how to explain how photography works but I come up with an idea.

“Why don’t I show you?” I stand handing Felix my book and I jaunt over to Anisa’s desk. I let her peruse my backpack because she seemed so interested in my “Earthly items” as she called them. I walked back over and sit on the floor, patting the ground next to me so Felix can join. 

“You known there is a perfectly good sofa right next to you, I don’t understand why you wish to sit on the ground like we are mere children,” but despite his protests Felix sits next to me still clutching our books. I rummage through my back tossing the other items to the side. My wallet, a flyer, a jacket, that granola bar which has definitely crumbled to pieces in its package. Until I finally find it, my phone. My first night here I instinctively tried to use it, forgetting I am now stuck in a world without wifi or cell towers. In an effort to hopefully conserve its battery I hard shut off my phone I did not think I would need it but now is an opportunity for me to educate Felix about my world rather than his and tell him a little about myself. Really I just want a reason to prolong my time from reading anymore history. I hold the power button and silently pray. Please have some battery left, please please. Felix is leaning towards me, his face inching closer to mine, I glance at him studying his expression. He looks confused, and curious at the same time, there's a slight scrunch in his brow like he’s trying to seem like he understands what I’m doing, but I know he doesn’t. In that moment his eyes meet mine, I turn my head to fully face him, a blush creeps up his face and I can feel mine begin to warm as well. “Felix-“

BING

We both jump at the sound of my phone turning on. Damn phone, well I guess I kinda asked for that. Felix sits back and clears his throat.

“Um, what, what is that?” His voice wavers slightly but I choose to ignore it to save him some dignity.

“Its my phone, on Earth nearly everyone has one of these. You can use it to communicate with other people, take pictures, look things up, and listen to music.” I begin to unlock it and open my photo album.

“You can communicate with other people? On this... this flat brick?” Felix points accusatory at my phone the scrunch in his eyebrows have intensified creating deep crevices on his forehead. I nod while I scroll through trying to find the photo. 

“Yup and take pictures, such as this one,” I turn my phone to face Felix revealing the image documenting the after affects of being assaulted with coffee. He leans over to get a better look. In the picture I'm standing by the cash register, soaked through my clothes in an extra large coffee's amount of liquid. The brown liquid stains my apron and the parts on my white shirt poking out from underneath. There's smeared whipped cream going across my shoulder up my neck and partially along my jaw, and the scowl on my face could kill a man. The instant I show the picture to Felix he plants a hand over his mouth to stifle his laughter. He turns away in an attempt to hide his amusement but I know he wont last.

“Im-I must apologize I did not mean to laugh but, but the look on your face is hilarious,” Felix faces me again trying to hide his smile with the back of his hand. I start to chuckle, I turn the phone back to me and swipe to the next picture. Its a similar picture but in this one my co worker put whipped cream on top of my head, something about it “completing the look”. When I show this picture to Felix it breaks his terrible attempt of remaining poise. He laughs loudly, and it’s extremely contagious. I laugh along with him reminiscing in his beautiful laugh. Every once in a while we calm down until we look at the picture and we start up again. After a bit I’m able to calm down enough to speak.

“Don’t feel bad for laughing, at the time I was pissed but my co workers cheered me up and now I have these memories to laugh at,” I start to look through my album again as Felix calms down from his laughing high. I find more pictures to show him. Some are of me at work with my co workers, one picture of me laughing as I held a dog that jumped through the drive through window. I show him more pictures, some are of earth sunsets which Felix claimed to look like they belong in a painting. I also show him a picture of some Geese I saw while on a walk, and then a picture of said Geese chasing me. This gets Felix to laugh again but not as hard.

“You lead an interesting life on Earth, it seems similar to Sage you are also prone to provoke others into attacking you,” I roll my eyes at Felix’s joke and give him a friendly shoulder bump. Its at this moment I realize how close he’s sitting. Our books set aside and Felix is leaning on one arm politely looking over my shoulder at my phone, I can tell he doesn’t really understand how it works but it seems he’s enjoying this moment to much to ask. In an attempt to keep the sweet moment I change the subject.

“Hey do you want to listen to some Earth music?” With a nod from Felix I close the app and instinctively go to press my streaming app. Damn no Internet. I think for a second and remember I have some music I bought in times before streaming apps existed. I find the app and open it. Dear god my taste was cringey. I scroll through the songs until I stumble across a less than embarrassing song. “This is a classic where I come from, everyone has heard this song at least once. I lay back onto the floor so I can properly listen to the music. Felix looks at me and awkwardly lays down as well, I click on the song allowing it to play.

Just a small town girl

Livin' in a lonely world

She took the midnight train goin' anywhere

Just a city boy

Born and raised in South Detroit

He took the midnight train goin' anywhere

Felix gives me a puzzled look but I just shrug and look up at the ceiling. I close my eyes and take in the song as it plays. If I concentrate hard enough I can imagine my self back on Earth. Sitting in my room listening to 80s music while I do laundry or cook my dinner. I start to feel nostalgic again but I try not let my emotions take over. The song ends and I pause it before it plays the next song. I roll onto my side and rest my head on my hand.

“So what’d you think?” I beam at Felix, I genuinely want to know what he thinks of Earth music, and more specifically a song that I am quite fond of. Felix is laying flat on his back, he ankles crossed and his hands laying on his chest. He looks nervous to be laying on the ground next to me but has made no attempts to leave.

“I thought it was... interesting to say the least. It had quite a captivating story although I was confused when the subject changed multiple times, and what exactly are they trying to “not stop believing” in” Felix does air quotes and seems genuinely enthralled in the “story” of the song. I smile and start to look for another song. 

“How about you choose the next one?” I tilt my phone towards him. Felix sits up at my question.

“I dont feel very well versed in Earth music though,” He mumbles. I shrug at his comment.

“Just pick one with a name that sounds interesting to you” I show Felix how to use the phone and hand it to him laying back down. I peek at Felix, he’s holding the phone in one hand and is scrolling with the other, he’s holding it like an old man. I watch his face, he’s thoroughly looking at every single song title and determining whether they are interesting or not. I find it... cute, his concentration face is cute. Oh if he caught me staring I know he would become a blubbering blushing mess, I mean I would be too. I close my eyes again as I wait for him to pick. 

“This one seems interesting,” I hum in response, but when Felix says the title out-loud and panic seizes through me. I sit up and shout WAIT but I'm too late. He already pressed it. And then I hear it.

That dreaded, infamous G note. Felix turns towards me surprised and hastily hands the phone to me, I pause it before another note can play.

“Hells MC what will that song make my head explode or something??? You nearly made my heart stop.” Felix takes a deep breath with his hand on his chest.

“I'm sorry, that song its kind of embarrassing actually,” I can feel myself flushing, I look away in embarrassment at the fact that I had that song downloaded and the fact that I nearly sent my teacher into cardiac arrest.

“Embarrassing how?” Felix looks at me puzzled. I open my mouth to speak but then stop. Hold on a second, Felix doesn’t know this band, let alone what an emo phase is. Well judging by his raven skull necklace he does but not in the way I do. I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if we listened to it. I do still like their music. But god did it HAVE to be this song. I clear my throat and look back at Felix.

“Nothing, it’s nothing I was just being dramatic,” I stifle a laugh. “We can listen to it, I actually quite like this band,” Felix nods and turns to face my direction, were now both sitting cross legged and I press play on the song. I smile a little as the song plays and close my eyes again. I cant even remember the last time I listened to this song. My mind begins to wander again, to my younger years when I first heard this song.

 I was such a try hard back then, wanting so badly to “be different” but also to mend the emotional pain I was going through, and this band really helped me through it. This song is a little more narrative than the last one so I hope Felix would like it. I can’t believe I freaked out like I did god he must think I'm crazy, or maybe that lady really did hit my head when she threw that drink at me. As the song plays I silently hum to it, quiet enough so that Felix might not hear. I drink in the lyrics and instruments and it feels like I'm listening to it again for the first time. 

The song ends and I open my eyes again to pause the music before it plays another one.

“So what did you think of tha-“ before I can continue I'm stopped by the sight of Felix’s face. His eyes are misty and his nose is colored pink. Was he... was he crying? Felix looks at me and his eyes go wide. He quickly turns away and rubs at his face.

“There-there is quite a lot of dust on this floor, honestly you would think Annie would have any sense to clean in here every once in a while,” I cant help but smile, wow he really is a goth child. 

“It’s ok Felix, this song makes me cry sometimes too,” Felix side eyes me and sniffles.

“I-I was not crying, yes I admit the song was... moving to say the least…. But, but I will not be mocked by you for my emotions,” Felix turns to face me again refusing to meet my eyes, his voice turning accusatory. I scoot closer to Felix and place a hand on his shoulder. He looks at me astonished and slightly flushed, either from the contact or the crying, I mean dust, I will never know.

“Congratulations” I say with a smile. Felix’s puzzled look twists even more.

“What ever are you talking about,” Felix questions.

“You’re emo now,”

[haiqyu]

"I've finally found you. "

Kuroo Tetsurou X reader

Soulmate and Reincarnation au! : one gets flashbacks of their past lives when they reach the age of 10

Warning: ancient Chinese history kind of?? angst??? Fluff??? I have no clue

Sorry for the grammar and spelling mistakes! It kinda sucks so-

Edit: Please don't read this- I did this at 1am- im not proud 😭😭

♡♡♡♡

At the age of 9, I've remembered my classmates being so excited to see what kinds of flashbacks they might get. I was no exception. I really wanted to know how my soulmate looks like. Always dreaming about being married to a perfect man and having a perfect life, I was so happy to be reaching the age of 10 soon. Multiple thoughts ran through my small 9 year old brain.

Is his hot? Is he smart? Is he cute? Does he looks cute? Will he love me back? What if something goes wrong?

I sighed as I laid my head on the classroom table. I closed my eyes and continued to day dream about the perfect man that is going to be in my life soon.

♡♡♡♡

Please stop.

Stop.

Please.

I beg of you.

STOP

I woke up from my nightmare. Drenched in sweat, I sat up on my bed and tried to calm my racing heart. I have just reached 10 years old a few hours ago. I've heard from my parents and friends that flashbacks from the past can come in the form of dreams. That was not the sweat dreams that I've expected.

My whole body dirty from being dragged from the ground. My long white gown being drenched with blood, sweat, tears and mud. My legs and hands being bloody from the chains. My torso bloody from being whipped with a thin long stick. My tears ran down my face continuously. I tried to break through the metal chains as I cried for help and forgiveness.

"I didn't do anything wrong! I was framed! Please let me out! I didn't cheat on the emperor! Please... Stop!" I cried out.

My vision blurred from the tears. The metal chains digging into my ankles and wrists. My body being constantly whipped by the stick. Exhaustion ran through my veins. Please stop. I'm tired. It hurts. I beg of you. Stop!

I shut my eyes to stop remembering the flashback but it just continues to run through my eyes. I thought these dreams and flashbacks are suppose to be sweet andthey should give me a hint of who my soul mate will be. Why do I get such horrible and torturous dreams? Why me?

I remembered the pain on my wrists and ankles vividly. It hurts. I didn't care if I was sweaty or not. I curled up on my bed, my forehead resting on knees as I cried myself to sleep. Why me?

♡♡♡♡

I don't want to have a soulmate. I hate it. I hate the feeling. Every day, I had flashbacks and dreams of being tortured. I have enough. My whole body hurts being being tortured even though it's just a flashback.

I was 14 years old. I've always envied my classmates and friends for having such wholesome and cute flashbacks. I've always heard them gushing about their soulmates and their past lives. As they were talking about it, their eyes lit up with happiness and excitement. Some of my schoolmates were lucky as they figured out how their soul mates looked like by the flashbacks. Lucky.

Everytime someone talked about their soulmate, my anger rose. I hated my soulmate. I had enough. Why can't I have nice flashbacks. Why must my flashbacks be about torture and crying? My fist clenched with anger and frustration. I hate this. I was jealous.

I had frequent panic attacks in public due to the stupid flashbacks. I'm embarrassed. Sometimes I feel that my friends and classmates pity me for being like... like that. I don't often speak about my soulmate as Ive literally never seen him in my flashbacks. I hate it. I don't want to have a soulmate anymore.

How do I stop having flashbacks about my soulmate? Do I have to,,, end myself?

♡♡♡♡

I broke out into a cold sweat from a dream again. My heart beat furiously. This is the first time in my 16 years being alive that Ive gotten a sweet and wholesome dream. I'm still in a state of shock. I was expecting to be tortured again in my dreams, as always. However, I dreamt about being in a garden with my soulmate.

Giggling, I smacked his arm playfully. "you're so mean, my king!" I laughed at him.

We were in a flower garden. The place have been decorated with colourful flowered and plants of many species. Butterflies fluttering around the plants and fishes are swimming in the huge pond. Next to the pond was a huge hut. These wooden chairs and tables are crafted out neatly with patterned of flowers and dragons. Having servants around the perimeter to guard us from potential danger, we were sitting together on the huge chair made of the king.

"..., you're so full of shit. Stop teasing me! If you continue teasing me, I'm actually gonna start crying." I smacked his arm once more as he continued to shame me for my height. "Im have an average height, okay. I'm not short! You're just abnormally long!"

"How dare you just insulted the King? I'll put you to the dungeon if you continue to insult me like that," he huffed. "I'm the nicest person in the kingdom."

I rolled my eyes at his comment. "yea but you love me too much to put me into the dungeon. I didn't insult you by the way, I was just speaking the FACTS!" I scoffed.

I took the chance to look at his face, but his face was blurred out. All I notice was his black messy hair that made him look like he just woke up. I reached up to touch his bed hair. I gasped on the inside. "Your hair is so soft. I love it." I smiled and ran my hand through his surprisingly soft hair.

I felt his hands sneak around my waist and he took this chance to pull me even closer to him, if it was possible. "you pull them everytime I ate you out-" He proudly said.

I blushed furiously and tried to cover his mouth to shut him up. "stop!!? Stop!! This is embarrassing! Shhh!!"

He chuckled and I felt my hands being licked. "AHH! STOP! Did you just lick me?? Ew!!!" I wiped my hand on his clothes.

Wait, I didn't notice our clothing. He was wearing some Chinese looking ancient outfit. Ah yes, a 龙袍 (lóng páo: a dragon gown) which had yellow dragon and auspicious patterns embroideries on it. The silk materi made it easier for us to wear in the summer and winter. It kept us cool in the summer and warm the the winter. That so cool. I looked down at myself. I wore loose clothes with long large sleeves. Under the long skirt was a pair of high-heeled clogs with some embroidery on them. There was a scarf wrapped around my arm, which symbolized that I was a noble woman. I ran my hand my my clothed knees. So smooth. For no apparent reason, I felt a sense of nostalgia and my eyes started to water. I felt,,, loved.

My thoughts were interrupted when I felt my hands being grabbed by his rough large hands. I looked up at him with such a loving look on my face. "I love you," I blurted out. I blushed and wondered why did I suddenly say that.

He slowly let go of my hand and gently used that free hand to push my head down on his shoulder. I snuggled closer to him and smelled a faint scent of his cologne. "I love you too, my love." he gave a gentle kiss to my forehead. I really love you, soulmate.

I really enjoyed the dream. I felt like I was 10 again. The daydreams of being loved and touched by my soulmate really made my heart burst with love and happiness. So this is how my friends felt when they have flashbacks. I smiled to myself. I think I don't hate you anymore, soulmate.

I laid back down on my bed. I couldn't sleep. And then I realised that I missed his touch. Just like the chain, I felt his touch on my skin vividly. I craved his love. I want to find him quick. I want to be with him forever. I love him.

I felt my blood rushing towards my face. I covered my face with my hands and rolled around my bed. I was a love sick fool.

♡♡♡♡

I was transferred to Nekoma high school in my second year. I was devastated to move away from my friends in karasuno. I missed the volleyball club. I was their manager for a year and I really enjoyed my time there. They were my true friends. They comforted me when I was having very bad flashbacks and panic attacks. I am going to miss them.

I'm 17 years old and I have a one sided love hate relationship with my soulmate. I continued to have such bad flashbacks most of the time but sometimes I have such wonderful and heart warming flashbacks. I hate him. But I love him too much.

I was looking down at my phone, scrolling through the memes that the volleyball gAnG sent to me on the group chat. I laughed silently and walked past the school gate. I wasn't aware of my surroundings and I bumped into someone tall and hard.

Oh God did I just hit a pole or something?? Why is it so hard??? I looked up and a wave of flashback just went over me.

"you cheated on me. I trusted you. You cheated on me with my trusted buddy!" he screamed at me. His face red from the anger.

My eyes widened from the claim. "excuse me? I didn't! Bokuto was eating so messily and I just wiped my handkerchief onto his mouth to wipe away the rice!" my hands clenched into a fist.

"what the fuck? Then explain why he hugged you on the bridge a few days ago? I had people watching over you two. I should've listened to the concubine. I shouldve trusted what the concubines said. I shouldn't have trusted you, slut." he slapped me across the cheek.

He was strong. I fell of my feet and fell onto the ground, hot tears spilling from my eyes. "I've never cheated on you with him. He caught me from falling into the the pond. Why don't you trust me? I would never cheat on you..." I cried.

"my servant saw you in the room with him two days ago. I knew you two were fucking behind my back. You shouldn't be the queen. You should be executed." he glared at me. He turned his back on me and walked towards the throne. "Officials, strip her off her title. Send her to the dungeon and punish her by whipping. Death by hanging."

"no! Stop! Stop! Im not cheating on you! I love you so much! Stop it! How dare you do this to your soulmate?" I screamed in fear. I would never cheat on him. Please believe me. Please...

The guards come running in, forcefully grabbing my arms and dragging me away. O struggled and tried to twist my arms to escape from them. There was no use. I looked at my soul mate in fear. "help me, Kuroo."

He looked away from me. His expression with hurt written all over his face. He still love me, right?

I was beaten. Whipped. Tortured. My whole body hurts. My eyes felt tired from crying for hours. My lungs sore from the screaming and crying. My body bloodied. I felt light headed. Just kill me already. I want to die. Die. Die. I really want to die. This flashback was worse than any other flash back I had.

Kuroo... Help me... I didn't cheat on you... I love you... Please.... Let me go... I love you... I want to be with you forever... Please stop...

After sunrise, the guards came in. They slapped me awake. "say your last words before you die, bitch." he spat on me.

I couldn't even flinch at his words anymore. I feel so numb. I just want to sleep. I want to go home. I want warmth. I want his warmth. I want Kuroo.

"I,,, didn't cheat on you, kuroo. I was planning our anniversary with Bokuto as a surprise for you. I wanted to have a party...just us... Having fun... I'm really tired. I will miss you, Kuroo. I really love you. But I don't want to be your soulmate anymore. I'm tired. You don't trust me. But I still... Love... You..."

My eyes slowly closed and my muscles all relaxed. Ah I've passed away. How embarrassing. Declaring my love for someone who doesn't even trust me. How pathetic. I hate my soulmate. I hate... Kuroo.

My head hurts. My whole body hurts. My world just spinning around. Tears poured down my eyes. I started hyperventilating. I bumped into someone and started to get a panic attack? My reputation is screwed. I caught a black headed messy hair stranger in front of me. Haha now I'm visioning of my soulmate. What a joke.

"(Y/N)... You're my soulmate...?" when those words come out from his mouth. My eyes snapped open. He is...

The person standing in front of me is the person I hate and I love the most. Kuroo... All those flashbacks come crashing down on me. I'm scared. "stop! Don't come near me! Don't hurt me! I'm sorry! Don't slap me! " I cried out loud, in front of everyone.

He immediately wrapped his arms around me tightly. "stop! (y/n) I won't hurt you! I love you! Please calm down!"

"don't touch me!!" I screamed my lungs out. "you're going to hurt me!"

"no, I won't! (y/n) please trust me!"

"no, stop! I'm scared. You're going to hurt me like the past. I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared."

I pushed him off and stumbled backwards.

"I hate you."

[trinity-xp]

Who are some of your Favorite people here on Tumblr ?

Hohohohhooh this will be a long post

@paimania : First up is Pai. For starters she’s like, the nICEST PERSON IN THE WORLD- she’s so fun to talk to and everytime we chat is just a blast! Even though it’s short because suck at keeping a conversation going LMFAO- I’ve known Pai for like... 2 years now, and I can say that she’s just an amazing friend to have, I remeber when she proposed the idea of a collaboration between her AU and my OCs, best moment of my social media life, it really changed everything for me. Thank you Pai

@jordanthecat11 : Jordy is just a big mush of sweETNESS, literally she’s just AMAZING- I met her through Pai since she was Pai’s main contributor to BATMC. It was awkward at first, but as we got to know eachother I say from my point of view I got really comfortable talking with her! Not only that she is like...so caring. So. Very. Caring. There will be times where I’m not feeling to well, and she takes the time to send me a message on discord to check up on me. I look up to her a lot, she so talented and creative and just overall the kind of friend you want to have. ❤️

@ros-doodles : Ros was the third person I met on tumblr. And the first person (besides Pai and Jordy) to interact with one of my OCs, Raziel. At first I got a wave of anxiety mainly because long before I actually existed on my tumblr acc, I would look at her art and be really inspired. She was an artist I really looked up to and I was so shocked when she commented on one of my posts saying she wanted to interact with Raziel. Not only that we started to talk on discord and..can I just say she is the most understanding person ever? Like really this girl is so gentle, sweet, soft, and just a precious bean who I will protect forever. I think the one flaw that she has tho is that she won’t admit sheS A FUCKING GOOD PERSON. Because she’s stubborn as hell and I need to smack some loving sense into her every now and then.

@wushfo : Fourth person I met on tumblr, gotta day this girl is weird.

..weirdly amAZING- SHES FUNNY AS HELL! She makes me smile and laugh so much! First time we met I was super shy and shocked that she actually started talking to me. I remember our first rp together, it was the thing that got me into rping in the first place. She messages me whenever she can to brighten my day, even if I’m upset, and hands me advice when I need it. She’s just an amazing person to be around and i love each and every one of her OCs to bits, love you BICH-

@sibuhleen : At first me and Sib didn’t know eachother too well mainly because I only knew her through Pai, it wasn’t until we did an art trade when we started to talk more often! I have to say, SHOW THIS GIRL SOLE LOVE AND RESPECT BECAUSE SHES SO GODDAMN AWESOME! Literally, she may not think it but she’s so fun to be around. I love her very much, and I don’t get to talk to her as often because I don’t want to bother her, she has a life outside of tumblr after all! It makes me feel so warm inside knowing that she likes my OCs just as much as I love hers, and whenever we talk it always brings a smile to my face. And sib you may or may not read this, but I will always be here if you need to talk❤️ love you gurl!!

@mythical-things : I met Myth last May, and it’s been one of the greatest things thats ever happened to me. She’s truly just...an amazing girl whos gifted with so much talent. She’s one of the people I really look up to when it comes to art. Each of her OCs and stories are unique, and I strive to become a better artist like her! AlsO-- I like rLLY LOVE ALL THE ART CHAINS WE DO!! its so fun to bring the stories we've come up with to life, and seeing it all pay off is just amazing. IM happy that you enjoy the shit that we do, and I just wanna say to sTOP BEING A HYPOCRITE SOMETIMES. Also, She works really hard in what she does and I’m proud and happy to call he one of my best friends. Lately she’s been feeling a bit down, but that’s ok, I’m here for you Myth! I send my everlasting love ❤️ I love all the times we talk and ramble and rp, the stories we come up with are so much fun to mess around with (aswell as the shitposts-) and i just ant you to know how much you make me happy💕💕

@jsweetsdraws : The Meme to describe Me and Jess is “I’ve only known Jess for a month, but if anything were to happen to her I’d kill everyone in this room, and then myself,” because I WOULD. LIKE HOLY SHIT THIS GIRL IS A BEACON OF SUNSHINE! She works so hard, despite some things that she’s been through. I love all of her OCs and artwork, her style is just so niCE lookin ;) not only that she’s so sweet and funny, and I love staying up for hours with her talking about stories and OC interactions, it really makes my schooldays a lot better than how they are ❤️❤️ and if anyone screws with her I wiLL FITE THEM. BAK OFF BITCHES IM HER PROTECTOR!

@nolalistra : I don’t talk much with Nol, but god her OCS are so damn pretty. Not only that her personality is so damn pretty. I can say how much she really inspires me. The stories she created are so interesting! And honestly she’s like super chill, and super great. Like she’s the kind of person you can be open with and feel comfortable when talking with her. Normally I’m a anxious and paranoid person, but with her? Nope, I’m 200% comfortable. Love u BOI-

@alavidere : I just met Al, but I can already say that she’s like.. fuckin FANTASTIC. Literally, she’s really sweet and her personality just embodies candy and everything nice in the world. Once again, she’s another artist I will stalk for hours, her anatomy is just 😔👌 and her OCs are 👀❤️ it surprises me that she likes my shit too! Never thought that would happen bUT hERE WE ArE- Also I have no idea how she’s able to stay so committed and productive with her drawings- heck she’s running a full on webcomic by herself and idk how- teach me your ways talented beAN- AND I HOPE I CAN GET TO KNOW YOU MORE ASWELL!! >:VVV❤️❤️❤️

Also fun fact, I knew each and every one of you before you knew I existed. I remember when I was younger id scroll through your blogs and see all this good aSS artwork and id be like “these are my idols-” HAHAHA 

[modern-oedipus]

Kinda a personal post that is not required to read but just first line is enough

Also I couldn’t get back to much of personal messages today because:

• i threw up in the morning and it shoookth me

• was running on 2 hours sleep

• had 8 hours of continious lecture and barely made it home just now, eaten, and calmed her shit down

•has 3 assingments and 2 quizzes due tomorrow

•did I mention, I can hear my own breath making Z z Z z Z z z Z sounds due to post-asthma hypersensitive body or SOME anNOYING THING that doctors said

• im mentally unwell because someone I love is mentally unwell and I can’t do a thing to help him regardless of my efforts and also i feel quite sad and desperate in general even though I do my best to not just let it go and get in a depresso mood

• so like. Responsibilities piled up, emotionally at my limit, physically sick, but at least not in so much physical pain.

I haven’t let anything go, though! I take care of my sick body regardless, I try to eat healthy, I /am/ doing the responsibilities one by one and making sure I finish them even if it costs me some sleep, I am trying to mentally reassure myself to things and although I haven’t got to write them down yet I planned some 2020 resolutions and cleaning; they have been on my mind for a long while now so if it all goes well I am planning to get a better start at the new year! I think I have done fairly well in 2019, most of my resolutions came to true by my own efforts anyway.

Anyway I didnt have to give a long explanation about why I was like this, I’d just say “I’m unavailable” if I didn’t want to share, but since I know that most of you care about me as friends (and I care about you as friends too, obviously, that’s a two sided thing), I thought those who care may read, just to have somr sort of idea about why Nila is shitposting but not individually replying. Those who don’t care (with no offense in them since no one is obligated to) have long scrolled past this, anyway.

Ihh I’m tired! Mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, I’m tired at all aspects but worse? I objectively don’t think it will get better. But I also objectively know that I hve no choice but to work to make it better because I love my life that I regained after so much hard work and battling with d, I love my family and friends whose days we brighten together, I (sort of) love my scientific research even tho science doesn’t seem to love me, I love the stories I am writing and the newspaper I am managing, I love walking in the soft wind, I love coffee talks and fun dates and hook ups, I love my pets and I love everyone who reached out to me and befriended me here on this account, I love reading/writing comments to the ao3 and reading/writing replies back to them, I love the fandom stuff we organize, I love working out and then having that serotonin boost, I love offering a newly baked recipte to family/friends, I love casual hook ups and if and when I’m in a relationship (my last rl lasted 3 years sooo... rip.. that was most of my life) I do love loving and being loved in return, I mean, I even love doing laundry like it is such a nice feeling to put all dirt in a machine and then take it back perfectly clean and cozy and nicely smelling, like idk, because of all these things (and more that I forgot to add) I can’t give up from my life and I can’t stop fighting for it to be better. I can’t give up from myself or my loved ones. There is so much to live for.

P.S. I also low key live for the days Given, To Die For, the “photographer Ray” au whose name I forgot, and the teacher/student norray fics ( ;) ) gets updated. I mean I’m sure I’m reading many more fics but these are the stuff I have been looking forward to ever since August or something and just knowing that one day I /MAY/ read a chapter of them sometimes make me motivated enough to go through a day. Also spaceomania’s (damn did I spell that right?! I’m absolutely NOT tagging anyone to this long ass post, don’t want them to go trouble reading it aLL) comments like I’m sure they made not just me but many other authors write a lot more happily than they normally would, oh I also live for Ardency but I am too scared to read it because itnis eNDING so I will procrastinate it, but like, yes.

I have reasons to keep going, I have reasons to stay strong. I may not be feeling my best now and my problems may not be fixed overnight but I have no choice but to have faith in myself & people I love & things I believe in (now, “believe” sounds so non-scientific but that’s subject for another day), so, I’ll go on.

I usually don’t like opening up about suicide or depression since I just think that’s way too personal to talk about (I still havent declared why it happened and I dont think Iw anna talk about it anyway), but, in case someone with suicidal tendencies is reading this (first of all congrats for coming thru this essay idk what kept you here but you’re amazing), just, remember that a year ago I was at where you are and, well, THIS is my mindset now. I am not telling you to compare your journey with mine or anyone else’s. I am just proving you that a way out of that dark tunnel is perfectly possible for you and even if my current situation may not be ideal (to be honest, is there even an ideal life? Problems will always exist), I’m gratefulthat I have got enough reasons to fight for. Sure, my energy still drains sometimes (hence why regular text talk with Nila is difficult. No she doesnt have adhd or anything. She has a fairly good attention span. She just lacks the friggin energy), but I restore it before it gets out of hand. Stuff like that. It’s possible, not for just me, but for you and for everyone. I’m not a publicly-spoken-social-norm-warrior or anything but I will always stand up for anyone who is feeling suicidal tendencies because no—

As someone who went through that, just, no.

Don’t.

Let’s make 2020 better.

*and here my friends, you went through a good representation of what it is like to be in my brain changing 485858 subjects. Anyway NOW that I let ut out I need to do my assignment. I want to reply back to you insividually bevause texting you all makes me feel warm and happy and i also wanna check on you but i need ti restrore my enrgy (i actually tried texting whdn my mood was low and I think I frightened some people over sudden agression so I’d rather text you wisely than text you randomly), so, see you all soon!

I know it is not just me going through shit in her life. So, know that I’m cheering for you and I am always in for friends bringing best of each other, so if you really read this far go do the thing you procrastinate!! Bud!! Go do it!! It’ll feel better!

What a conclusion tho

[diningpageantry]

Scales, Fins, and other Fishy Daydreams

Archive Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18215168/chapters/43151156

Chapter 3/10 of It’s A Handheld Disaster

Word Count: 1553

Chapter Summary: Baz takes Simon's shitpost text a step further, and the outcome ends up spreading a few rumors.

SIMON

bi-sammy: sammy would still fuck huxley if he looked like the fish from shape of water

I grin smugly at my screen, sitting in a dark room with nothing shining but my mobile. The shutters stay shut, and the light from the bottom of the doorway barely filters into the room. It’s just me, this scratchy blanket, and Baz, somewhere else in England on another screen. I absolutely adore that.

gaystrell: why would you say something so controversial yet so brave.jpg

Sometimes, I catch myself smiling. Other times, I elect to ignore how real it feels. It’s weird, given that it feels like I’m just chatting with someone who I see everyday. The casualness of this reminds me of texting Penny in the afternoon on a Thursday.

Except, given the current time, it could be interpreted as more intimate than that of a friend’s text.

8am on a Saturday is usually a time reserved for comfort. For staying warm with someone you care about. Instead, I’m just messaging Baz.

bi-sammy: because im right

bi-sammy: hear me out here ive got a brilliant idea

gaystrell: whoever taught you the definition of a brilliant idea was clearly misleading you

bi-sammy: dont be an arse until youve heard it

bi-sammy: wanker

gaystrell: you’re truly proving your point

bi-sammy: ANYWAY

bi-sammy: shape of water au

bi-sammy: thats all

gaystrell: i’m appalled.

gaystrell: hold on.

I don’t think much of it. Occasionally, he disappears for an hour to two. I don’t bother asking, assuming it’s none of my business, but I do tend to worry a bit. I hope he’s alright.

After clicking off my phone, my head settles against my pillow as my eyes fall shut.

There’s something about this. There’s something about him. It’s a bit hard to pinpoint what it is, but the overwhelming feeling of comfort I have in the notifications I get from him just answering my bullshit is incredibly welcomed. He’s semisweet. I don’t know why I didn’t see it earlier, but he’s a fantastically bitter person.

My head slowly turns over, eyes opening and straining in the darkness.

I hate my empty room.

I hate the absence of comfort--I hate the plainness of these walls.

I want to say I hate my foster dad, but I also feel like I’m not allowed to say that. Not because the system will take me again and throw me back (even though I could have left a year back, if I was still in it). Instead, I feel like I shouldn’t hate him. Theoretically, I should be thankful for what I have. I’m not in a boy’s home, and I haven’t been since I was 11, but the remnants remain. The fights don’t go away, and neither do the weeks of starvation.

Still, I sort of despise living here under Davy.

That’s what he makes me call him. His name. His nickname. Not dad; of course not dad. He’s had me in his care for roughly six years, but he’s still Davy to me.

Shitty fucking Davy, with his strict curfews and practically using me as a housemaid because he’s too cheap to care for himself.

Shitty fucking Davy, not letting me add anything to my room because the day I turn 18, I’m out of here until his next kid (and cheque, apparently) come in. Told me I’d wreck the walls and ruin his furniture if I did put anything on it, too.

So that’s what I’ve got. Blank walls, blank furniture, blank everything. It’s like a jail cell for a bedroom, and everything I’ve got to show for myself is in a backpack and two dresser drawers/

But, at least, I own my mobile.

Every summer job, mixed with odds and ends shit and whatever I can do for my bill. It’s all mine, and Davy can’t fucking touch it.

Maybe that’s why, when I feel it buzz against my chest, it makes me feel more alive. It’s a reminder of all that work just to be able to talk to someone freely.

Arguably, the best feeling in the goddamn world.

I grab it and flip it over. It’s just an email about uni.

Fuck.

I end up scrolling through tumblr for a little while, doing nothing but liking and reblogging a thing here or there. It takes a little while before a little drop down falls from the top of my screen.

gaystrell: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1r7Wkwj7MSFk0--DgquHGhYVBbqneEYq0J01t0uMRmxA/edit?usp=sharing

gaystrell: feel the need to apologize before you click the link, but then again, you asked for this hell

When I click on it, it pulls up a doc titled just “crackfic”, and I’m floored with the first sentence alone.

“Fuck my fish ass harder, daddy.”

My hand flies up, covering my mouth as I practically wheeze as quietly as possible. A few paragraphs in and I’m nearly crying into my palm, muffling my laughter as I read through pages upon pages of the most ridiculous fic I’ve ever laid my eyes upon.

I check the word count out of pure curiosity, and it somehow makes me laugh harder.

bi-sammy: holy fucking shit

bi-sammy: i swear to god if you don’t post that i will

gaystrell: already in the process of making the archive post

gaystrell: i seriously believe you underestimate my sincere ability to be the biggest dick on the street

bi-sammy: i dont know whether or not u meant that as ur literal dick or the big dick energy in making that a post but id probably agree with you in both

bi-sammy: tag me in the post pls i want to be the first to reblog it

gaystrell: you’re a ridiculous, sad, little man

gaystrell: of course i’ll tag you

Within minutes, it’s uploaded with the absolute worst slew of Archive tags attached to it, and as soon as he tags me in his post, I tap the notification.

Scales, Fins, and other Fishy Daydreams

Word Count: 3,192

Summary: Fish!Huxley and Sam get it on Shape of Water style

@bi-sammy this is your fault (you're welcome)

I immediately slam like and pull up reblog, rapidly typing out my response before posting.

absolute madman. cant believe youve done this. i trust you with my entire life.

As usual, he's quick to reblog back.

anything for the absolute pain in my life x

Smiling shamelessly, I ride on the moment's high as our conversation stays out in the world. I quite enjoy this version of his softness. The public, taunting replies to mine. In all this time of following him, I can't really recall him ever being this friendly with anyone but me.

Makes me feel special. Maybe too much so.

BAZ

The jarring shock of the seemingly endless notifications rattles me momentarily speechless.

It isn't even 15 minutes after I'd replied to Snow and there's already a few people reblogging it with comments about him and I. A quick “i ship y'all’ to “powermove of the century”. Each make me flush deeper as the replies flood in.

If I were to be practical, I'm aware that I shouldn't be so flustered over the concept of us being a couple. It's most likely my overactive, sad, lonely imagination, but the idea of being loved just makes me blush. Especially since it's someone who doesn't seem to absolutely loathe me.

gaystrell: are you reading these?

bi-sammy: the what?

bi-sammy: i have. nothing to read. i cant read.

gaystrell: use your two remaining brain cells look at the notes for the crackfic

bi-sammy: holy shit

bi-sammy: im cackling

A notification pops up, making me snort this time. I pull up the post and send it off to him without a second thought.

gaystrell: sent a post

gaystrell: “sounds like something huxley would do for sam”

bi-sammy: stop im gonna piss myself shits too fucking funny

I pull it back up, scrolling down to reblog and adding a quick reply that, in all honesty, I should have thought out more. Secretly, part of me is glad that I sent it.

huxley wishes he was this smooth ;)

Within seconds, replies flood in from everywhere. From jokes about Snow and I possibly dating to the concept of Huxley writing (purposefully) shitty homoerotica about himself as a fishman. I quite like the conversation about the latter, while the former makes my chest knot in ways inexplicable.

Going through the notes makes me smile, even if it's mildly embarrassing. The amount of times I've seen the eyes emoji used is definitely excessive, but still somewhat welcomed.

Even my archive has a few comments already, although more based around the fic itself. More ironically, though, is the one person who probably took it seriously and just commented, “Nice fic!” I love the abundance of shameless appreciation for obscure fanfiction in the depths of this community.

Snow's messages roll down my mobile screen as I'm checking the comments, continuously replacing the previous message for the top slot.

bi-sammy: mate

bi-sammy: i love you

bi-sammy: also every time you reblog something of mine i get like 5 followers

bi-sammy: if you mention me i get 10

bi-sammy: youre???????????? a god????????

bi-sammy: can i marry you????????????

I slowly close my laptop, eyes on my phone with an absolutely gleeful grin.

gaystrell: when and where?

[heartkook]

unconventional || jeon jungkook

Anonymous said: Hey I was wondering if u could do an imagine where the reader(any gender) likes rock/metal music and has never heard kpop before yet manage to make them fall for each other. It can be any member by the way

Anonymous said: heyyyy im actually in love with your account keep up the great work!!! just wanted to pop up and (if possible) request a story on how you (a non-idol) would somehow end up dating jungkook but like kinda not too unrealistic ya feel? ahahahahha sorry if this is a struggle but yeh :^)

Jeon Jungkook x reader

Summary: ‘Why would someone like him, date someone like you?’ Or, how someone ordinary could end up with someone like Jungkook.

Genre: drabble, fluff

Words: 803

Decided to put these two requests together as they were kinda similar!! I hope this is the sort of thing you guys wanted <3 (also you’re rlly sweet thank u ily)

I love this babyboy

Idols had never really been on my radar. Living and studying in South Korea, it was pretty hard to not be aware of the K-Pop industry, and the artists that were taking it by storm. But I had always liked rock music more, and while I appreciated the effort and skill of K-Pop artists, I wasn’t exactly a devoted fan.

Still, I knew enough to recognise Jungkook from BTS when he walked in, across the room from me at a birthday party.

He was standing against the wall, a drink in his hand, chatting amicably to a group of people. I kept my eyes on him, not sure I was correct in my identification. But as his face turned towards me and the light hit his cheekbones I knew it was him.  It was also made obvious by the extended glances that others at the party were giving him, their eyes full of something between awe and jealousy.

"Hey, why is he here?" I asked the friend whose birthday it was. They explained that he had been a friend of a friend before he debuted, and was eventually invited as someone's plus one. "Not that I'm complaining", she added with a smirk in his direction, and I laughed, nodding.

A while later, I was sitting on a couch with a group of my friends when he was brought into our conversation, awkwardly giving each of us a smile. I couldn't help but to laugh as he introduced himself uncomfortably to everyone, finding it funny how different he seemed from the stage persona I had seen all over my social media.

When our eyes met then, I hadn’t known what it would turn into.

In a whirlwind of awkward conversations and blushing cheeks, I somehow left the party with his number. It didn’t take long for him to call me, stuttering and laughing on the other end of the phone, and I found myself saying yes to a date. It didn’t seem real. His world and my world were too different, but neither of us could deny the way we had instantly clicked.

Things progressed quickly, but I was too wrapped up in him to even notice.

Of course, when people found out, it was difficult. I had friends that immediately demanded to meet him, their eyes wide and frenzied at the thought of coming anywhere near Jungkook of BTS. “You’re so lucky,” They would tell me, envy tightening their features. “you’re dating an idol.”

But it wasn’t like that. I wasn’t dating the idol Jungkook; the worldwide star. Sure, that part of him was important, but it wasn’t why I was there. I was dating the sweet, funny and awkward boy I had met at a party. Him being famous hadn’t been on my mind when I had agreed to that first date.

It was hard to ignore people’s comments though, and sometimes I did find myself wondering the question I had read, and people had asked me, so many times. Why would someone like him, date someone like you? The truth was, I didn’t know. I was completely ordinary.

“Do you love me?” I asked out of the blue one day, my head in Jungkook’s lap. I was reading a book, while he watched something, scrolling through his phone absentmindedly. He stopped what he was doing, peering down at me through his eyelashes with a confused expression.

“Of course.” He said softly, his hand coming to stroke my hair.

“You don’t think I’m… too ordinary?” I asked quietly, squirming under his gaze but needing to ask him; needing to know. “I mean, I’m not an idol.” His mouth turned up at one side, and he shook his head down at me, still gently carding his fingers through my hair.

“You.” He leant down and pressed his lips against mine. “Are anything but ordinary.” He kissed me again, and I found myself leaning up into it. He pulled back with a childish smile, looking down at me with so much fondness and light in his expression.

Jungkook was never one for many words – no long rants or lectures about how I was perfect the way I was, and he didn’t want anyone else. But I could see it all there, in his eyes. I could feel it, in the way he held my hand, and the way his lips moved so delicately against mine, like he was afraid to hurt me.

So Jungkook and I continued on. It wasn’t the average relationship – there were implications and downfalls and times I hated the fact that he was an idol. But in the end, it didn’t matter. We were just like any other couple: argumentative at times, understanding, and so in love with each other we were full to bursting. I wouldn’t have changed a thing.

masterlist

[deojoon]

sky blue : 1

cross posted on ao3

part 2    part 3     part 4    part 5

Summary:

(trigger warning) how namjoon came across always and reflection or how namjoon began to love himself with help ! *this fic isn't for everyone, in no way am i romanticizing mental illnesses or what namjoon went through. if you don't like it dont read it thank you.

Notes:

i'm not gonna lie this straight up was the longest and quickest fic ive ever written. all because i was sad. it didn't turn out the way i wanted it to but its something. i kinda cried while writing it only because i sorta relate ? ion know. even though im a shitty writer you gotta start somewhere enjoy !

Chapter 1

: the beginning

I’ve always wondered how he did it. How Namjoon pieced himself back together. Did bts help ? did army help ? did a friend/significant help ? i’ve always noticed something about rm and it’s wasn’t till recently it got better.

-

It’s was a late night , early 2016, namjoon couldn’t remember the day of the week or date “fuck” he said as he sat in his studio chair looking up at the ceiling. It’s been about 3 days since he locks himself in the studio. This is couple months after his mixtape dropped and when the plagiarism claims had happened. The lowest point of his life.

He checks his phone to see with no surprise to see no new notifications. Namjoon sighed, he stretched his arms and with grogginess, he went back to writing. After even more hours of creativity, Namjoon passes out.

Namjoon woke up to see the time is now 5 am.

He gets up to leave the studio to check on yoongi. No matter what namjoon himself was feeling he thought of everyone else’s well being first. ‘it’s better this way’ he thought.

As he approaches yoongi’s studio he knocks on the door. He hears something crash, he starts to beat on the door calling his name “yoongi please open up”.

After a deep breath yoongi opens up the door breathless “what” he said harshly.

Namjoon walked in already knowing what’s wrong, closed the door and hugged yoongi. “take a deep breath. You’re  okay. You’re  safe.” Yoongi grabs namjoon tightly

Yoongi was upset, he was mad that he was frustrated with himself, that namjoon knows all too well when he’s mad, that namjoon knows how to make him feel better. Yoongi’s grip eventually loosens. Yoongi’s moves closer to namjoon's neck, just to inhale namjoon’s scent to calm himself. It’s a mix of pine, mint, and cotton candy which is surprisingly addictive.

(Not that yoongi would ever tell anyone that.)

With a now calm yoongi, namjoon asks “what were you doing exactly”

Yoongi still in his neck mumbling “producing. It’s not coming out the way I want it to maybe it’s because i’m not capable of making good music”

Namjoon squeezes yoongi tighter. “yoongi no matter what you’re the most creative person i’ve met. Yoongi don’t pay any mind to this small stump.

“but you don’t understand the pressure”

Once yoongi said that it hurt namjoon’s feelings a bit. Brushing it off namjoon replies “ come one let’s go home you need a break”

Yoongi just sighed and nodded, knowing arguing with namjoon at this point wouldn’t get him anywhere.

They left and went to the dorms. As they walked in seokjin was in the kitchen grabbing food for himself. Like a deer caught in headlights, seokjin jumped and dropped his leftover chicken.

“well there you are yoongi I was looking for you. When you feel better can you fix the bookshelf. Someone broke it” seokjin said glaring at namjoon.

Namjoon sheepishly smiles and rubbed the back of his neck. “sorry”

Yoongi had enough and grumbled “ stop breaking shit i’m tired of fixing it” he stomped away.

Namjoon’s sheepish grin dropped “ i’m going to bed”

As he walked to his shared room with taehyung he began to think about the inconvenience he caused other the members. He sighed and went to bed.

-

It’s now a Monday on their one month break. While everyone else is out having fun namjoon is stuck inside. its seems like everyone made plans without him yet again.   It’s been like this for the last week. No human interaction, so he decided to call jackson to see if he wanted to hang out.

But of course, jackson was busy. Namjoon started to feel antsy. He started to scroll on twitter. Maybe seeing army will make him feel better. Namjoon felt worse after reading comments about how ugly and untalented he is. His mood worsened more and more.

When namjoon heard the door open he knew the rest of the members came back he quickly put his emotions in the back of his head. And walking into the living about to say something only to hear his members making fun of his singing as they listened to the song  “adrift”

“he sounds like he’s dying”

“is he gargling a box of nails”

He had enough and went into the bathroom.

He sat down against the wall and stared at himself in the mirror.

‘why am I here’

‘I can’t even write good music without copying someone’

Namjoon shook his head and realized someone was knocking on the bathroom door. He got up and washed his face to see an angry taehyung.

“Finally, do you know how long I was knocking. Get out so I can go in”

Namjoon thought taehyung was concerned for him at first so he smiled but dropped it when he finished.

Namjoon went to his room grabbed his phone, laptop, and wallet and walked out the dorm ignoring everyone’s laughter.

-

He arrived at his studio locked the door and decided to read on naver thinking the news would make him feel better and distract him. Namjoon ended up reading two articles one about him plagiarizing and the other on how much weight he gained, how fat he is now.

Namjoon was at his breaking point but the one last thing that pushed him over was his parents texting him that they’re on vacation without him.

Namjoon began writing full of tears and sadness.

One morning, I opened my eyes And wished that I was dead I wish someone killed me In this noisy silence I live to understand the world But the world didn’t once understand me, why No, the other half is missing* It’s trying to hurt me I miss me miss me, baby, I miss me miss me baby I wish me I wish me baby Wish I could choose me

Why is it that I’m being so earnest Yet it’s not working out Always Always Always Always Always (I lost my all ways) Always (I lost my all ways) Always (I lost my all ways) Always (I lost my all ways)

If I ever meet God, I would tell him this That life is coffee that I never ordered I would grab him by the collar and tell him Death is an americano you can’t refill Are you sure that you’re alive Then, let’s prove it somehow When I exhale, there’s breath** On the window, there’s condensation You are dead You are dad, but you are dead Dead dad you don’t listen to me Dad please listen to me

Why is it that I’m being so earnest Yet it’s not working out Always Always Always Always Always (I lost my all ways) Always (I lost my all ways) Always (I lost my all ways) Always (I lost my all ways)

-

After writing, the group's manager called him to explain the wings photo shoot and due date for the music.

After the long and exhausting meeting, he went back to the dorms to tell everyone the schedule and he got nothing but complaints.

“why couldn’t you pushback the date”

“all ways make things hard for us”

“ya I really don’t appreciate his at all”

“why’d you make our schedule so intense”

Namjoon ran out the dorm slamming the door.

-

Namjoon goes back into the studio and just stares at the wall, thinking about the stupid voice in his head repeatedly saying he doesn’t matter and wrote reflection.

I know Every life’s a movie We got different stars and stories We got different nights and mornings Our scenarios ain’t just boring I find this movie very amusing Everyday, I want to shoot it well I want to caress myself I want to caress myself

But you know, sometimes I really really hate myself To be honest, quite often, I really hate myself When I really hate myself, I go to Dduksum I just stand there with the familiar darkness

With the people that are smiling And beer, which makes me smile Coming to me softly, Fear, which holds my hand It’s okay because everyone is in twos or threes It’d be nice if I had friends too

The world is just another name for despair My height is just another diameter for the earth I am all of my joy and anxiety It repeats everyday, the love and hate directed to me Hey you, who’s looking over the Han River If we bump into each other while passing, would it be fate? Or maybe we bumped into each other in our past life Maybe we bumped into each other countless times

In the darkness, People look happier than the day Everyone else knows where they’re supposed to be But only I walk without purpose But still, blending in with them is more comfortable Dduksum, which has swallowed up the night Hands me an entirely different world I want to be free I want to be free from freedom Because right now I’m happy but I’m unhappy I’m looking at myself At Dduksum

I wish I could love myself I wish I could love myself I wish I could love myself I wish I could love myself I wish I could love myself I wish I could love myself I wish I could love myself I wish I could love myself

-

Namjoon now lying on his studio floor hear knocking on his door. He ignores it and goes back to sleep.

'why do they even bother with me'

[smilingnct]

I’ll Give Up Everything For You - TEN  ( part 01 )

“Morning princess.” Ten kissed your temples.

You smiled as you nuzzled against him and took in a deep breathe. God how much you wished you could stay in this moment forever. Ten wrapped his arms around your torso and hugged you close. 

“I don’t have any schedule’s today. let’s just stay like this forever.” right after he completed his sentence his phone rang.

He loosened his arms around you to reach out for his phone. you immediately frowned at the sudden coldness. you needed him. you needed his warmth.

“hello?....yes...yes okay...i understand.” He frowned and exhaled loudly right after the phonecall and rushed to your side to feel your warmth again.

“what’s wrong?” you looked up to meet his disappointed eyes.

“manager-nim just called and he said it was something important. the director of the company wanted to speak to me. but who cares let’s cuddleee~~” ten ran into your embrace.

“ten! no! if it’s important you’ve gotta go!” you pushed him away.

“everything can wait when im with you.” he muttered sweetly closing his eyes wanting to fall asleep again.

“fine i’ll go shower then. no more cuddles.” you warned and sat up.

“bu-but that’s not fair.” Ten pouted.

“nope your pouts are not gonna work.” you wriggled your finger.

“urgh. fine. but when im back, im gonna get what i want.” ten annoyingly stood up to prepare for his leave.

you smiled and walked him to the door. he doesn't live in your apartment because your relationship was a secret but he always make sure to visit. you guys were madly in love with each other and nothing could come in between your relationship.

you tip-toed to reach his height and planted a kiss on the tip of his nose.

“have a good day at work babe.” you gave him a tight hug.

“urgh bye.” he rolled his eyes and walked out.

“that was unnecessary...” i whispered to myself as i shut the door. before doing so i was knocked back and in came your boyfriend with a quick kiss on your cheek before running off to work.

Over To Ten’s POV:

The company was just a 5 minutes walk from y/n ‘s house so i got there super quick.

When i reached the front desk, Mrs Park gave me a stern look not the usual smile.

“they are waiting for you at the meeting room. please hurry ten.” she instructed. i bowed slightly and hurried to the meeting room.

i knocked gently before entering the cold room.  manager-nim and director Park came into sight. my eyes popped and i bowed deeply.

“take a seat ten-ssi.” 

i scurried to my seat and raised my head to see manager-nim looking at me with a disappointed look.

“sorry to call you at such a early time... i’ll cut the chase. i heard you’ve been dating one of your fans. is it true?” he spoke with a strict tone.

my eyes widened and i immediately came to my defence.

“no-no sir.” i tried to lie.

“THEN WHAT IS THIS?” he angrily slammed photos of me and y/n on the table. i was speechless. it was us hugging, kissing.. you name it everything. they even got pictures of him entering y/n’s house.

“you’ve been going straight off after schedules and often not returning to the dorms. are you crazy? you’ve barely debuted for a year and you’re already stirring up scandals like this? you’re really destroying the company’s image. these pictures are going to be released tonight. it’s either you cut it off with her and we will deny the rumors or you leave the company. after you do that, we would not be against of the release of the pictures.”

“wha-what do you mean sir?” i swallowed in fear. 

“CHOOSE! your career or your love life?” he demanded. 

i looked to my manager which looked like he was shocked at the directors words.

“bu- but sir you said you weren’t going to-” my manager tried to say good words for me.

“shut up byungsoon before i fire you too.” my manager immediately stopped talking.

his eyes were trembling, his throat was constricting, his lips were quivering but still he didn’t seem to falter and replied

“her.” that one word was enough to set off the bomb in both his director and manager.

“yah! ten! are you crazy? you’ve trained for-” my manager rushed over to convince me.

“great! i knew it would come to this. sign this.” he flinged the paper to me.

                                   CONTRACT TERMINATION

“uh.. mr park, our ten is still immature he isn’t seeing the importance-” my manager rushed to spoke for me.

i wasted no time and signed the paper slamming the pen down.

“i guess this is where we say our goodbyes mr. park.” he emphasized the name at the end.

he aggressively pushed out his chair and stormed out of the room. he fought back his tears and ran straight out of the building. he thought no where else but the nearest soju bar. he ignored the weird stares, fans who recognised him tried to ask for a picture were harshly rejected. 

upon reaching the soju bar, he immediately slumped down on the table shouting “one bottle of soju please!” with his foreign accent, the seller was hesitant as if a foreigner could handle this hard liquor. none the less, the seller popped open the cap and with a shotglass was served to him. Ten wasted no time and filled the shotglass with the fluid instantly gulping it down. even the owner was shocked at his drinking habits. “slow down young man.” the old man tried to persuade but was ignored. after the first bottle, he called for another one, other one and other one... with a total of 4 bottles wiped out, Ten was finally contended. he was so drunk he couldn’t even stand on his two feet. he stumbled around the store banging into tables, with angry customers coming at him the owner politely apologised and brought Ten out calling a taxi for him. 

“hey! what’s your address?” the owner patted Ten on his shoulder.

“cheong-cheong...cheongdam station.” Ten replied and knocked out onto the seats after.

“please take care of him thank you.” the owner bowed towards the taxi driver and was returned with a small smile,

The owner lightly shuted the door and the taxi drove off not long after. [ aw his so sweet :”) ]

Back To The Y/N’s POV:

I was lazing around at home and glanced at the clock. 

“it’s already 9pm.. Ten should be home by now..” you constantly checked your phone to see if there was any messages or calls from him. unfortunately not. there was not a single text nor call. Ten would usually call and ask you to have some takeout if he had to return home late. this boy was really worrying you.

at around 12am you couldn’t wait anymore. you didn’t have dinner and was famished. you climbed into the soft warm bed and huddled yourself in between the warm blankets. you convinced yourself to sleep and stop thinking, but jokes on who could? you were thinking about all the possibilities he was not home yet. when suddenly you received a call. you excitedly looked to see who was calling. to be honest you loved your bestfriend but sometimes she just calls at the wrong timing. 

“yo whats up-” 

“check your social media now! it’s important!” she screamed. you had to pratically pull your phone away from your ear. yes she was that loud. 

“okay hold on.” you put her on hold and checked facebook.

*BREAKING NEWS* 

NCT-U’s TEN HAS REPORTEDLY TERMINATED HIS CONTRACT WITH S.M ENTERTAINMENT.

you gasped and dropped your phone. you could literally hear your bestfriend over the line trying to get a hold of you. you picked up your device and continued scrolling downwards. 

*BREAKING NEWS*

DISPATCH RELEASE PHOTO’S OF NCT-U’s TEN AND ALLEGED GIRLFRIEND ON  A DATE. COULD THIS BE THE REASON OF HIS DEPARTURE FROM THE GROUP?

you hanged up on your bestfriend’s call and declined any of her incoming calls. you just couldn’t believe it. you clicked on the link and was shocked by the photos. it was photo’s of you and ten on a cafe date. there was even pictures of him hugging you at his door before sending you in and leaving. what’s worse you scrolled down to the comments section and was disgusted at the cunning comments.

1.[ +3791, -52 ] this is so disgusting..she’s such a cunning b*tch. she wouldn’t even let a rookie idol live his life what a selfish sl*ut. 

2.[ +230, -49 ] lol he’s old enough.. and she seems pretty nice let him date whoever he wants lol. ㅋㅋㅋㅋ

3.[ +894, -137 ] how dare she lay her hands on my oppa... she even made him leave the group for her. that neighbourhood looks awfully familiar. im gonna kill her.

your blood pounded in your ears. the loud pumping of your heart was the only thing you could hear. your hands shook in fear. your feet tingled and soon numbed. your vision disfigured, as if you were looking through a fish-eye lens. you rushed to take a seat to calm down. the abnormal rate of your heart pumping was so terrifying. it was as if your heart was just gonna stop pumping. you hugged your legs in fear, in guilt.

“is this my fault...?” you whispered slowly as you clutched onto your chest. 

you just sat there for god knows how long. blinking as each second went by, you blacked out in tiredness. 

[haamuressu]

heyhey 18-81

duude are you kidding that’s so many (THANK U) (also im gonna put this under a link bc no one likes scrolling long posts)

18: Are they a relative? (the question 17 was about my 1st phone contact)

I’m a proper family girl and my 1st phone contact is my mom. funnily enough also the person I send the most amount of messages/make the most amount of calls

19: Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes?

”Change is the law of life. And those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future. “ - John F. Kennedy. (in other words: Nope)

20: When did you last talk to the last person you shared a kiss with?

a couple of hours ago lol

21: If you knew you had the right person, would you marry them today?

fuck no, I really hate the idea of marrying super young. I mean everyone else can live their life like they please but I don’t feel like settling down at 17 is the route I want to take. no sir

22: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

sure I have no regrets (that’s a blatant lie, I regret like 90% of my life but the last person I kissed and/or kissing them is surprisingly not on that list of regrets) 

23: How many bracelets do you have on your wrists right now?

nada, I don’t really wear bracelets

24: Is there a certain quote you live by?

”you need to hold tight to whatever gets you through the night” from the true lives of the fabulous killjoys comic.

25: What’s on your mind?

I’m really sore allover because I’ve been working out again and my body is screaming for mercy so that, basically 

26: Do you have any tattoos?

two stick’n’pokes yea

27: What is your favorite color?

changes all the time but currently green or yellow probably. or black which is just always good

28: Next time you will kiss someone on the lips?

man idk realistically speaking probably the next time I’m drunk. that’s a habit of mine I really need to get rid of 

29: Who are you texting?

not anyone at the moment

30: Think to the last person you kissed, have you ever kissed them on a couch?

I genuinely do not remember . probably ? probably not? I don’t...ok neither of us owns a couch so logically speaking it’s unlikely

31: Have you ever had the feeling something bad was going to happen and you were right?

I predicted my great grandmother’s death when I was eight even tho I had no way of knowing/guessing that she had passed. I know that this isn’t exactly what the question was implying but this came to mind and I thought I’d share

32: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?

a couple and I really see no issue with that whatsoever, I’ve always had friends of all genders and it has not been a big deal for me

33: Do you think anyone has feelings for you?

gosh I really hope that no one has that low standards seriously (bless their mislead heart if so)

34: Has anyone ever told you you have pretty eyes?

I constantly hear that from people. brown eyes aren’t that common with finns so idk

35: Say the last person you kissed was kissing someone right in front of you?

I would probably be doing awkward finger guns at their general direction and/or figuring out a way to smoothly excuse myself from the situation bc who the hell wants to sit around and watch two people make out? the point here is that I wouldnt be upset

36: Were you single on Valentines Day?

single, not ready to mingle 

37: Are you friends with the last person you kissed?

a lot of questions related to that. but yes in case you haven’t figured that out

38: What do your friends call you?

just rea, sometimes my birth name or ressu, rebe or just..nerd

39: Has anyone upset you in the last week?

I’m get upset approximately fifteen times a day so yes probably

40: Have you ever cried over a text?

oh maaaaaaaaaaaan have I

41: Where’s your last bruise located?

arm

42: What is it from?

no comment lol

43: Last time you wanted to be away from somewhere really bad?

had a shit night at tuesday and threw that typical “I DONT WANNA BE HERE” temper tantrum about my school and campus lol 

44: Who was the last person you were on the phone with?

my grandma

45: Do you have a favourite pair of shoes?

yes dear god my combat boots are my everything

46: Do you wear hats if your having a bad hair day?

I might wear a beanie but I don’t really suit any kind of hats (fun fact I used to semi-ironically wear a fedora bc patrick stump was doing it in 2013. glad I got over that)

47: Would you ever go bald if it was the style?

I have shaved my head but it wasn’t Bald bald and nah nope wouldn’t do it again, looking back I now realize that I looked like a fat egg

48: Do you make supper for your family?

rarely but sometimes and I usually fuck something up

49: Does your bedroom have a door?

I’m really sorry for anyone whose door doesn’t

50: Top 3 web-pages?

I’m a youtube addict and also this hellhole is kinda cool. what else..I mean there are so many man

51: Do you know anyone who hates shopping?

my mom

52: Does anything on your body hurt?

better question rn would be “does anything on your body Not hurt?”

53: Are goodbyes hard for you?

depends.  like seriously I’m simultaneously very skilled at throwing stuff over my shoulder and never looking but also I’m really talented at never getting over things

54: What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?

coffee, surprisingly 

55: How is your hair?

good, thanks for asking

56: What do you usually do first in the morning?

answered!

57: Do you think two people can last forever?

dan and phil probably can so why not anyone else (sorry that was cringey but also...it’s true. fight me)

58: Think back to January 2007, were you single?

I was eight so unless I had an elementary school datemate which I don’t recall then proooobably not

59: Green or purple grapes?

greengreengreengreen

60: When’s the next time you will give someone a BIG hug?

idk I’m really deprived of human touch come here and I’ll give you one right now

61: Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?

not really unless we’re speaking generally just life, then I’m gonna go with maybe a nice coffin underground yes thank u

I have answered 62-69!

70: How many windows are open on your computer?

nine atm

71: How many fingers do you have?

this is such an ominous question lmao ...all of them. and I’d like to keep them, thank you

72: What is your ringtone?

I have no idea my phone is always on mute. probably the standard one then 

73: How old will you be in 5 months?

18 fukc what the hell I’m going to be technically an adult that’s hilarious 

74: Where is your Mum right now?

asleep , I hope. in her bedroom a couple of walls behind me

75: Why aren’t you with the person you were first in love with or almost in love?

error 303: too personal, not comfortable with processing data

76: Have you held hands with somebody in the past three days?

nah I’ve mostly been alone 

77: Are you friends with the people you were friends with two years ago?

a few of them but not very many

78: Do you remember who you had a crush on in year 7?

this some american shit I don’t understand...what does year seven mean...

79: Is there anyone you know with the name Mike?

nah altho I know a few people called Mikko which is probably like the finnish equivalent of mike

80: Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?

 I guess ?

81: How many people have you liked in the past three months?

in this economy? are you kidding, robert.

thank you sm for asking !!!

[thoughtcock]

How do I spend my free time?

I’m not particularly proud of this, but I’ve been spending A LOT of time on social media. Yes, typical millennial and Gen Z issues. But before I highlight the cons of spending too much time on social media, there are some advantages as well:

- Many of the posts/tweets/IG stories/threads/news articles I come across are often related to a political or social issue worth thinking about. It can range from how political parties may engage in gutter politics to bring an opposition down to how the protests have shaped society and everyday life.

- I can spend hours combing through article after article, comment after comment, in hopes to find some form of clarity or an opinion that I resonate with the most. Because I’m ~all about the balance~, I try to read up on multiple viewpoints if possible.

- I spend time meaningfully thinking of my own perspectives on said issues (at least I’m using my brain to think of something!)

- sometimes, the memes on social media are just iconic and comedic gold and I laugh so much. Don’t forget memes are also a humorous way to give light to a more serious issue happening somewhere, so again, funny but thought-provoking.

- I need it for my professional career anyway... Its always good to get in touch with certain individuals for interviews etc.

BUT, using social media too much is also bad because

- I find myself not having a proper solution/opinion to contentious issues because nothing is ever black or white. Most of the time I just sigh internally because what’s the point in having a concrete opinion anyway

- I am stopping myself from doing other productive things!!!!!!!! I hate how I can delay important things for days or weeks but I spend half a day scrolling away on social media. It eats away time for other productive things, I know....

- Too much noise on social media. I don’t know if its the 2020 effect or what, but every fucking day there’s a always something new to argue or get upset about. This year we had the corona, BLM, GE2020, China controlling HK etc etc. It’s really mentally tiring to think about serious issues like racism, authoritarianism, sexual assault, who’s accountable over some problem every damn day.

- Echo chamber. I said I try to read up on multiple view points if I can, but somehow I find myself following the vocal minority who are often make very emotionally charged posts on said issues. Again, its good for them as they know what they stand for, but at the same time it also creates this form of pressure that if you are not vocal on social media, it means you don’t care or you are not woke or whatever. So, it’s likely I’m more exposed to one type of view more than others.

- FOMO and just feeling bad about everything. This year, I learnt an important lesson not to try so hard to belong in friend groups I don’t clearly belong in. So seeing posts about them on social media can be very hurtful. I briefly deleted my IG for a couple of months, and later on weeded out/muted pretty much anyone I don’t care OR should stop giving so much fucks about. So far its working.

All in all.... I know I have a problem and I just can’t get myself to look away from social media. I always want to know what’s the latest news, what memes are trending and what people are salty about lol. I know its not healthy for me as I find myself being more upset about everything that’s going on in the world but I can’t do much about it. I want to do more productive things like read or go outside but I find myself not having the attention span anymore, fuck so damn tragic to say this.

Now that I have nothing much to do except to look for jobs and housing, I need to make note that social media is not everything in life. I am doing an ok job in not freely airing my emotional thoughts on my public socials, so there’s that. But I need to make time for other things that are important to me :(

Not really sure how but I’m going to gradually cut down on social media times if possible, and when I’m out, I should try to keep my phone down... Sigh this is the most half hearted attempt to stop my bad habit lol.

Here’s what I need to spend my free time on

- READ BOOKS ON POLITICS/SOCIETY/FINANCE/ANYTHING ELSE 

- LISTEN TO PODCASTS 

- GET IN TOUCH/NETWORK WITH PEOPLE

- KEEP TRYING FOR JOBS

- GO OUTSIDE MORE 

- HANG OUT WITH FRIENDS WHO MATTER

- DATING (this one im mentally tired too lol)

- WRITE MORE PROMPTS SO I ACTUALLY THINK OF WHAT I WANT TO ACHIEVE IN THIS LIFE TIME1!!

[ecotone99]

[FN] void lasagna - dream journal pt.1

I was at a party… a teenage party…

Can’t remember but vague faces… these people I know but at the same time not.

Oh right, I was at space… or is it just that the windows had a sticker with a thousand stars? No, No I was really at space

And I was also drunk… No I was just tipsy

Just tipsy I swear; had only one can of uhhh whatever that was.

The walls had the same color: light white and the carpet was almost made out of wool with a skin like color.

There were circles of people everywhere and they were talking…or trying to talk under all this music… I was also talking in a circle…I think…

where were we ?

oh yes… the void lasagna…

The rules were simple, you have to finish it to the LAST bite… and it’s not lethal…

No one knows what it was or where it came from or who even brought it in this party but we all somehow instinctively knew these two rules…

It was not even lasagna, sometimes it was bread and sometimes it was potatoes…

We gathered around with spoons… some drunk some not…

We took a bite and look each other in the eyes waiting for it to take effect

A minute passed…

“Anything?” someone asked

“Anything?” I replied

wait…

“Anything?” I repeated

wait wait what ?

“Anything?” he asked again

“ANYTHING?” I replied

what the fuck ? I thought I replied

“Anything?” another one asked

aah I see... so that’s what it does

I lift my finger signaling him to stop talking and he did… I think he, too, experienced what just happened… I think we all did.

after a while I said “you guys okay?”

YESS! I can speak again

“JESUS THAT’S CRAZY!” someone said “ROUND TWO BABY”

“Careful !” a girl told him “you have to understand what’s going on as quickly as possible or the lasagna will know you…”

“okay fine” he replied

We took another bite and immediately after I said “ hey, let’s turn off the music so we can focus”

“okay” someone said and left looking for the speakers while we waited.

there were other people at the party who seemed to ignore us or act like it’s just another group trying void lasagna leave’em.

“hey guys can you turn the music down ?” I tried getting their attention only to get someone yelling “NO” from the distance

whatever, our guy will stop the music.

a second passed and he returned “where are the speakers ?” he asked

“are you deaf, just look for where the music becomes lowder, dummy” a drunk girl replied she seemed to really enjoy the music

“okay” he left.

a second passed and he returned again looking shy “can uhhh someone help me find them” he smirked awkwardly

“jesus who invited this baby” the drunk girl barely stood up and accompanied him

a secone passed and they both retured “where the fuck is the speakers ?”

we all stood up and looked for them. there were no speakers… the sound just existed and uniformly distributed…

this has to be the effect

“we wait I guess” I said

“till when ?” someone replied

“I don’t know for a minute like the last round” I replied

we waited till the music returned back to normal distribution.

“I think it’s over” I said

“shall we look for the speakers now ?” the drunk girl asked

“yeah” someone replied

we looked for it again… yet we didn’t find it

“I think we’re in its world now” someone said

“let’s go for round three” I was worried

we took a bite and immediately after a mirror appeared above us.

the mirror showed a parallel universe… I guess

our reflected images were inverted so I could see myself on the other side of the group and the reflection above me is someone else

but whenever I moved, the reflection moved too

A-am I him ?

I think I’m him…

my name is…

my name changed

wait… my name have always been like this…

I…

I have a job… a wife and kids…

well then why was- …

huh ?

I thoug-

suddenly it seemed clear to me

it IS the effect !

I have to wake them all up

I slapped the girl beside me and suddenly the mirror breaks

so it’s like a spell that needs to be broken

“guys we need only not to figure out what is happening, we also need t-“ I was interrupted

“The thing is alive” some guy said

“what? How di- how did you know?” I asked

“I…. I just know” he replied “I have always knew…”

“Jesus okay open your phones... we need to read its Wikipedia…” said a guy

I opened my phone but there were no Wikipedia: just a bunch of articles…

I scroll through and find nothing like what we were experiencing…

“anyone got anything ?” I said

“no… just a bunch of articles” some guy replied

“what the fuck ?” I cried “I thought this thing is trending how the fuck there is no search results”

“I thought so too” a girl replied

“Maybe it made us think so ?” a guy replied

“That’s…. horrible” a guy commented

“What do we trust anymore ?” I said “this was a bad idea”

“No no don’t worry it’s not lethal” a girl replied

“How do you know ?” I replied

“I know two friends who played it and made it all the way through” she replied

“And how do we know this fact is real ? not just some info the thing put into your mind ?”

“….” she went silent

“what were their names ?” another girl asked

“uhhhh….” she went silent again “I can’t remember”

“jesus Christ... does anyone here remember what their name is ?” the girl asked again

“yeah I’m Linda” a girl replied

“and I’m percy” a guy replied

“I can’t remember mine” some guy replied

“your name is Avril” Linda reminded him

“No that’s not Avril, that Alex” some guy corrected

“no, man… Avril the guy with dreads” Linda replied

“OKAY SHUT UP” a guy cried “let’s just continue… this is supposed to be enjoyable for fuck’s sake”

We looked at each other... sighed and took another bite.

Suddenly someone slapped me hard!

I looked around to find them but they weren’t there

I thought I was imagining but we zoned out for a moment we almost forgot we were at a party.

And we realized people are around us and the music was loud… I also realized I was tipsy and hazy from the alcohol… we were sitting down all along

We look around for a moment absorbing what is going on and some even stood up and wandered briefly before coming back.

“Yeah I think it’s harmless… it was just messing with us” Alex said

“Let’s just check before continuing” Linda said

“No no let’s just get over with it” Alex replied “look it’s harmless we just have to finish it all for this to wear off”

“Yeah I agree” I said

I don’t know what I was thinking

It’s human nature to assume danger

“Listen, man… the void lasagna is supposed to be enjoyable… it’s just like acid… you need to relax if you don’t want a bad trip” a guy said

“He makes sense” I agreed “let’s just go… it’s just a party”

Linda looked worried but kinda reassured…

“hey look it’s even one last bite” I said

so we hurried and put it in our mouths

we waited

and waited

and waited

“anything ?” I said and they shook their heads

I looked to my right but it seemed to be infinite

my neck was too fucking big it took me a minute to turn right… or was I that small ?

WAIT IM MOVING IN SLOW MOTION !

oh god

they are my reflexes… they are too fast

“guys?” I said and I pronounced it normally “I think im moving in slomo”

they were moving normally

I looked around

“GUYS?” I heard a very deep sound

it’s coming from me !

“ I THINK IM MOVING IN SLOMO”

it’s my lips!

what is going on they are moving normally ?

“relax you are fine” the girl besides me told me

I looked but she wasn’t moving her lips

I focus and saw her having hundreds of arms behind her… she was moving foreward without leaving her place… like a lens effect…

and thousands of polygons and geometric shapes came out of her eyes.

I try to rub my eyes and I felt like I missed a second on time because I was on the ground…

I only saw hazy figures and mixed sounds

my….. heartbeat…..

it got very slow I could even feel the nerve signals

one last long breath

before I gave up

and suddenly I got slapped back to reality with a huge gasp

and first thing I noticed: everyone else was on the ground and there’s a crowd around us with their phones at us.

we all woke up at the same time and got followed by cheers.

“we made it ?” I whispered

“WE MADE IT” alex cried “FUCK YEAAAAAAH”

“wait how do we make sure ?” linda replied

“I JUST KNOW” he shouted “CAN WE HAVE A MOMENT OF SILENCE FOR A MOMENT?”

“no for real how do we know. ?” I was drunk… now I’m not

“open your phone, honey” a guy from the crowd said “the wikipedia should be there”

it was

and it said the PCL (aka: void lasagna) tends to conceal any memories or knowledge of itself.

“but what if this all is a part of its scenario?” linda said

it also said that PCL’s side effects were temporal paranoia

“you know that there is another level, right ? the lasagna marks you and when you try it again, it fucks with you real bad this time” a veteran from the crowd said “ and if you’re smart enough, you will find a pattern in all this randomness”

submitted by /u/saltyher0 [link] [comments] via Blogger http://bit.ly/2GZU8lX

[alfreedomm]

IGNOREIGNOREIGNOREIGNORE

orry for all the reblogs and stuff

And now a vent too??? Brice how sad are you?

...very sad...

First,,, Alex damn you for showing me The Magic Stone omg the aNGSTTTT- but anyway, im gonna try to keep this vent very short and im on my laptop so screw apostrophes and capitalization- aesthetics bro...

okay so what is this vent- it’s about comparing yourself... my recent reblogs have been mainly about comparing yourself to other people and all that stuff and i just dont know really what im suppose to say here other than the fact that i dont like comparing things that much, especially my art.

and what sucks is that no one tells me that my art is bad- ive never gotten any comments from people that someone has better art. all this negativity is just from myself and it can come as simply as scrolling through your instagram feed... or your tumblr feed, youtube feed- whatever feed- comparing yourself comes anywhere at any time. and with a lot of things.

you compare yourself, your art, your writing, your talents, your work- and of course in some cases thats good. its good to compare yourself for motivation to get better but of course a lot of people (including myself) mainly compare ourselves in a negative way.

this is gonna be so cheesy but whatever.

so recently ive been getting back into instagram and i really regret it omg- every time i scroll on my art account i see so many people post their artwork and its so... GOOD! ITS REALLY GOOD ART, THE SHADING, ANATOMY, LINEART- EVERYTHING! and they have so many likes and comments and followers and please dont give me that “your notes dont define you” thing because.. of course they dont. but admit that whenever you get a notification that someone commented something nice or that something youre proud of gets a lot of likes that it just feels... nice.

im gonna be honest and say sometimes i feel as if im not good enough if something i post doesnt get comments or something and then my friends meanwhile get likes and followers and comments every day... it really brings down my confidence... a lot...

and thats usually with instagram posts of pictures of food or something- its worse for me when it comes to my art because that is really the only thing that i think im good at. and what im proud of. and when no one even bats an eye at it, it really feels... sucky- not a good word but whatever. and its not like i wanna go out and ask all my friends if they like my art to fish for compliments because yes, of course theyre gonna like it, theyre my friends... and id rather have someone tell me they like my shit because they genuinely like my shit.

where am i going with this? i never even talk about the actual problem to why im talking about this every time i vent about it.

okay so theres this artist on instagram... very good art. very clean and nice and they have a lot of followers on their spam acc and main acc and their style is cute and omg their shading and copic techniques are beautiful and im actually in tears as im typing this because i remember what their art looks like and i immediately just compare it to my own... and to make it better??? THEYRE THE SAME AGE AS ME- well they turned older today but sAME THING! 

usually whenever i compare my art i reassure myself that this artist is older, had more experience etc. etc. but this artist, same age almost, almost same materials and all that but theyre still so much better. and i hate comparing myself to THIS SAME ARTIST ALL THE DAMNED TIME BUT I JUST REALLY CANT. IVE CONSIDERED UNFOLLOWING COUNTLESS TIMES SO I DONT HAVE TO SEE THEIR ART BUT I DONT WANT TO BUT I WANT TO AND I CANT STOP COMPARING MY FREAKING ART TO THEIRS AND I KNOW IT SHOULDNT MATTER BUT IT DOES.

i know it shouldnt matter but it really does.

ive watched a lot of videos and seen a lot of text posts saying you shouldnt compare yourself or that you should motivate yourself to be better but trust me when i say that i try. ive try to better my art and my art style but i still cant even draw side portraits or get my freaking hair right. and instead of liking what i draw i just point out all the flaws and whats wrong with it. and i try again and the cycle just... continues.

then later its okay and i forget about the comparisons and just draw whatever i like... but then i open instagram and see the same artist with their art- im trying my hardest to not dislike this artist because im being childish and petty but HANIOHFOAFSAG ITS REALLY DIFFICULT.

and then my irl friends also draw better than me- hell this girl painted this nice rooster painting a year ago... and i still envy it. and this other girl is really good at realism and this dude is good at creativity stuff and kitkat is good at side portraits and obsidian is so good at shading and anatomy and coloring- AND STOP COMPARING YOURSELF BRICE HAHAHAHA- i cant stop omg.

and people say that practice makes perfect and legit kitkat just aced drawing in like 5 dAYS- HOW DID YOU DO THAT AGAIN???? ok practice does make perfect but sTILL.

i need to go watch advice videos on how to stop feeling like crap.

sometimes i feel bad for hating my art because some of my friends get mad at me for not liking it because its better than theirs but boi stop ok i see you saying youre fat when im here like 64.7 like whaaa??? 

great to know i dont only compare my art now 8′D

where is this even going? i meant to make this all sentimental and say how to try not to compare but im just rambling in the end... cool.

so tldr, try not to compare yourself in the negative way. i know its freaking hard but try.

...i think im gonna unfollow this artist until i get out of this feeling thing.

now please ignore my existence and let me wallow in my sorrows

-b

but have some videos on how to stop comparing yourself:-

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6PleXpEbRjk https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BuvaF8ymUog (these two actually really did help me))

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27kcO5GURDw https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7y3p2c1IMJE