#when it goes right

[inbabylontheywept]

we need to get you on Man Vs. Food. (The show)

Massive piles of food have nothing on the one who can eat massive piles of raw ingredients

Back when I was in scouts, our group participated in a mini-triathalon every year. I think it was a half mile swim, then 10 miles on bike, then 5 miles running. So waaaaaaay less intense than a normal triathlon, but still a pretty brutal experience. If I tried to do that today, I would have an extremely bad time.

Traditionally, the night before the triathlon we'd all go to a Golden Corral in the city and eat a few steaks before hand. For funsies. But we arrived late at night that year, and the Golden Corral was closed, so we tried to find a 24 hour buffet, and the only one we could fine was for Chinese food. It had a name like "Jiangs All You Can Eat Spicy Chinese Food."

We went. It was some of the most incredible Chinese food I've ever eaten. I'd only ever had Panda express Americanized Chinese food before, and this was, like, genuine Sichuan stuff in apocalyptic quantities.

So we ate, and we ate, and we ate, and we ate, right until our our entire faces went numb from the spicy, and then at the end, just to polish things off, me and another scout that we'll call Scrapper went and got a plate full of crab rangoons. I think we could fit 5 of them on the plate, by placing them kind of like the dots on a dice.

We were talking on the walk back, when Scrapper said you know, it would be kind of a bad idea to have a full on crab rangoon eating contest like, 4 hours before the race.

(At that point, it was midnight, and the race was at 4 am.)

And I said: Yeah.

Then we walked a little further. And he said: You wanna do it anyway?

My fatal flaw is that I have never met a bad idea I didn't like. Of course I went in. I wouldn't be me if I didn't. I'd say before the contest even started, he ate around 8 plates, and I ate around 6, but when it came to the Crab Rangoon battle, I downed 6 plates (approximatel 30), and he gave up after 5 (approximately 25). So he won on total plateage, but I won on pure rangoon volume. Total amount of rangoons eaten was like, 55 rangoons. Two more and I think I would've been a viable candidate for narcan.

We joked that we'd added a fourth event to the Triathalon: The Crab Rangoon-a-thon.

We later (approximately 4 hours and 15 minutes later) learned that we'd actually added two events to the triathalon. The Crab Rangoon-a-thon, and the who-can-poop-the-fastest chase. There were porta potties set up between every event change, so as soon as we finished, me and Scrapper would bolt to the potties, and if there were sounds of Great Suffering happening in one stall, we'd occupy the one next to it to that one and assume it held the other person. Then we could try and match pace. If we arrived and it was silent, we'd assume that we beat the other out prepare for single combat, knowing we only had a minute or two to set up camp before Terrible Noises would begin next to us.

There were more than two porta-potties between stations, but I think everyone else kind of avoided using them because we sounded so insane. We'd make noises of Godly Anguish, then, you know. Fart. Then we'd laugh. Then we'd scream like wounded animals again as the next convolusion hit us. I've never had poops like that before or since. They folded me in half like a frightened lobster. I'd feel a surge, and then I'd feel this terrible pressure againt my chest, and it would take me thirty seconds to realize it was my own knees. I pooped so hard I pulled my back. I feel lucky to be alive.

Scrapper did wind up beating me by like. 20 seconds though. He skipped the bathroom for the last run and just kind of pain-waddled those five miles, and I just couldn't catch up. It was 13 years ago and I am still devastated. He did soil himself though, right after the race. So. At least I made him pay dearly for the win.

Anyway, yeah, I bet could dominate in a show like that. Sign me up.

[duckysprouts]

if you were at your worst, if you’re a villain or a screwup or whatever, there is a goth man dressed as a giant bat who keeps coming after you, bothering you. he sabotages your journey of self destruction over and over. ur ready to give up but he won’t let you. you think, today he won’t come. today he will give up on me too. he never does.

[eydilily]

lost.

largely inspired by slashmagpie's fic for this scene!

[llouiize]

Babysitting

[softh0neycomb]

Baker!reader who wants to branch out into the savoury side of baking & open their own cafe X Butcher!Simon who answers all their questions about ratios and cuts whilst trying to spot a wedding ring because no one has ever been this meticulous apart from him.

[shotmrmiller]

hey me thoughts about simon hitting on a stranger somewhere and it works except whenever she comes back out all disheveled and sticky soap thinks it's the perfect time to shoot his shot too (nothing sloppy about those seconds, honey) and ghost has to be like wait that's actually my wife

[emariedraws]

This man is NEVER beating the dog allegations

[iliothermia]

[teaboot]

Sometimes at work it's not my place to tell people the things I want to say, and I find I often go home at the end of the rougher days to stand blankly in my shower and tell myself over and over what I wish I could pass on.

This accomplishes very little, and mostly just gives me a tension headache, but through it all I think I've narrowed myself down to a few solid things I'd like to tell people the most.

You can't change people. Not permanently, not for anythig. You can support them, encourage them, love them, give them tools and opportunities and resources, but you can't make them change. They can change themselves if they want to, but they have to want to, and they have to want it for themselves, because they're the only one that's certain to be with them forever.

For better or worse, you make your own choices, and blaming bad choices on others doesn't only work to absolve you of responsibility- it also robs you of control. Because if you say you only did something because I did something, then you arent only shifting blame- you're admitting that you cannot control yourself, that you cannot truly make choices for yourself, that other people can control you- and as long as you truly beleive that, you'll keep facing the same problems over and over. You'll keep letting others dictate your choices, because you'll beleive that they can, and you'll never be free.

White knights on horseback are from fairytales. Nobody can help you if ou're not willing to help yourself. To try, to put the dirty work in, to belive you're worth that effort- Act as though nobody is coming to save you. From a struggle, from pain, from bad relationships, from yourself. And when you do save yourself, because you will, because failure here isn't an option if you want to survive, you'll never find another dragon that can keep you prisoner.

Don't say anything to anyone that you wouldn't want them remembering forever.

Doing the right thing in bad circumstances is hard. It's the hardest thing. But if you make the choice to do that hard thing anyways, despite your fear, you'll go on the rest of your like knowing that you're the sort of person who did something.

The present only seems the hardest because the past I over and the future hasn't happened.

There's so much joy ahead of you, the kind you can't possibly understand until you see it yourself.

The responsibility of consequences is often disguised as the power of permission. "I won't do this if you help me", "I'll work on my anger if you do this for me", "I promised you I'd quit, but can I have just one?". The unspoken question is, "Can it be your fault if this goes badly?"

You cant make someone love you the way you need to be loved. Someone can love you very much and still be bad for you, even if you love them very much in return. Two people can love each other very, very much, and try their very best, and still be wrong for each other.

Sometimes being near to someone changes you, even in good ways, and the people you become don't fit together as well as the people you were.

Caring takes work. Even if it's real. Especially if it's real. And the most important gestures aren't the grand, poetic, songs-and-flowers-and-tears moments; they're getting out of bed even though you don't want to. Paying attention to things you don't enjoy. Scrubbing pans, or opening a window, saying "thank-you", or helping carry groceries into the house. The small things fill the big things- without the small, boring, mediocre things, big things feel hollow.

Thrre is honour and dignity in humble work.

If you are a cruel and spiteful person, then you will find every place you visit to be full of the same cruel, spiteful people. This is not because the world is as cruel as you, but because everywhere you are, you will be disliked. This is the curse that comes with being persistently cruel and spiteful.

If you are a kind and ppsitive person, you will repeatedly encounter kind and positive people, because as they grow familiar with you, they will be happier to have you near. This is the reward of being a kind and positive person.

When splitting paths with loved ones, briefly or forever, aim for your last words to always be "I love you".

[dreamsteddie]

I've been thinking about a rockstar Eddie thing that's just a little bit cracky but enraptures my imagination anyway.

At, like 25, all of Eddie's wildest dreams have come true way faster and way easier than he ever dreamed for himself as a high school super super senior and ultimate dropout. The band grinds for a year or two and comes out with a full album, and it's an instant success. A couple more years down the line, they're touring and making a lot of money and going to all the galas and events while maintaining their sense of self. Wayne semi-retires and gets a more relaxed part-time job close to where Eddie lives in Detroit.

Eddie is riding high and he decides, fuck it, all my wildest out of reach dreams come true, I'm going all in on the only thing I've always thought was less reachable than becoming a wold renound musician, finding love and settling down.

He goes from zero to a hundred, getting himself ready to find the love of his life. The CC boys and Wayne are just watching as Eddie starts dressing a little nicer and making him home a little more comfortable and putting a little extra into his shows and wandering around afterward. Eddie has never really dated, and so he's kind of just throwing it all out there to see if he can just...run into the love of his life, woo them, and show how serious he is by showing off his nice but comfortable home and non-rockstar capabilities. He's basically acting like some kind of bird.

Unfortunately, no one really takes him that seriously. Not the guys or anyone Eddie tries to woo. The whole wild rockstar thing gets in the way of how people see him. The band thinks this is another wild whim that will pass in a few months, maybe a couple of years. The people Eddie tries to get something started with take his overtures as either a ploy to get something (a lay, a date, someone to accompany him to an event) or see that he really is trying to fast track find somebody to love and jump both feet first into semi-domestic bliss with and gets scared off.

After a girl, who seemed receptive and fun and like someone Eddie could love, ghosts him Eddie finds himself with his head buried in his knees on a bench in the park near his house, wondering if this is truly the one goal he won't ever be able to reach. He feels someone sit next to him and usually, with his current mindset, he would take this as a sign and start chatting this person up, but he stays buried, hoping they will leave him to wallow in peace.

Instead, the guy asks if there's anything wrong. Eddie has never needed an invitation to rant and none of his friends are taking him seriously so he starts to ramble, not looking up, about his quest and how no one wants to give him a chance, and he just wants someone who wants to share a life with him.

Steve is immediately like, "Oh, that sounds really nice!"

No one has ever given that positive of a response right away to Eddie's idea so he shoots up, surprised at the reaction. The guy next to him is stupidly handsome, with perfect hair and a pretty smile and the sweetest moles Eddie has ever seen. He just stares with big, wet eyes as the man extends a hand.

"Nice to meet you, my name is Steve. I'd be down to give it a shot, show me what you got."

Eddie leaps out of his seat, keeping Steve's hand in his own as he gets down on his knees to kiss his hand like a knight. Steve laughs and Eddie knows this is it, this is his chance and he's grabbing it with both hands.

Eddie has been planning a hundred-and-one perfect dates since he began this scheme and he pulls out half of them in one day for Steve. They go to his favorite cafe with an outside patio, meander through one of Detroit's many car shows, go roller skating, let Steve pick the dinner spot, and walk through the nicest part in the neighborhood, eating ice cream cones with one scoop picked by each of them.

By the end of the night, Eddie is sure that he's found what he's looking for in Steve, but after so many failures, he's scared to ask if Steve feels the same. They walk hand in hand toward Steve's place, the night coming to a natural end. When they reach his door, Steve stops and asks why Eddie went to quiet.

Eddie admits that he's afraid to let this slip through his finders, that he doesn't want to say goodbye. Steve smiles and tells him he doesn't have to, tells him to take him home.

Eddie lets hope and love bloom in his chest and kisses the back of Steve's hand again, and calls them a ride to his house. They lead against each other, eyes closed, wiped out from their whirlwind day as the city passes them by. When they get in, Steve settles in easily, remarking on the plush-looking couch and vintage-style kitchen.

They don't have sex that night, don't even kiss, they just get settled for bed and curl up into each other. Eddie cracks the window to let in a breeze, and they drift off easily with smiles on their faces.

[kelpermoosee]

My friend labeled this “toxic aromantic yaoi” and I couldn’t agree more

[sems-diarie]

pro hero deku has a fleshlight of you. it’s off brand hero merch from some shady corner of his city. it had caught him by surprise, he hadn’t been looking for it.

well, izuku hadn’t been looking for a fleshlight with.. you on it. it’s a particularly tasteful design—he blames that, of all things, when he decides to slap some hundred dollar bills on the register and scurries away without making eye contact with anyone.

(that’s how much it cost, right? he might’ve left some over in change. izuku doesn’t really check until after he’s home and his pants have barely even collapsed to his thighs. and your printed tits bounce with every fucking stroke to the hilt, to his balls. izuku can’t tear his eyes off of your stickered, cute little face as he grinds down harder over the toy. humping down into it lets him see you better when he spreads his legs and fucks the well-lubed fleshlight like it really is you, his balls smacking lewdly with the filthy wet sounds. it’s less like he checks, and more like izuku stumbles into the price tag as he’s wiping a fat glob of cum off the god forsaken thing.)

snooping around where he shouldn’t be, katsuki finds it—used, dear god!—and threatens to tell you, their beloved, angel-dearest friend, about it every time deku does something to even mildly piss him off. deku cries :(

[raihanijulie]

Thinking of Sonic's death from my Other Fate Sibs AU :3...... Guy got bLASTED, beamed!! For trying to protect his little brother.

The art is HEAVILYYY inspired from that one shot of Maria in Sonic x Shadow Geneations animation episodes : The Dark Beginnings.... AND ALSOO!!! Death inspired from Sonic 06. Sonic was meant to be dead by the blast from Mephiles, yes? I took that idea except its Eggman's doing!!!

Bonussss!! I mightt make continuation from these, i think.

[rainbow-sunshine-unicorn]

Me when my hot enemy calls a horse and not me a good boy 😡😡😡

[a-scary-lack-of-common-sense]

I cannot wait for this Stan to reconnect with his Ford.

I still haven't figured out HOW exactly they'll meet yet, but I do think that Ford would ATTACH himself to Stanley and talk his ears off forever when they eventually get comfortable :] and Stanley would listen because HOLY SHIT, THAT'S HIS BRO HE HASN'T SEEN FOR 40-ISH YEARS, HE MISSED HIS VOICE. Nonstop certified Yapper & Listener relationship <3

Stanley looks dead faced because of his ingrained poker face, but he's thouroughly enjoying it, even if sometimes he has no idea what the fuck Ford is saying. He never interrupts him though, since he knows people usually ignore or interrupt him mid-talk already. So sometimes Stan gets stuck in awkward situations where he has to leave or do stuff, but also doesn't have it in his heart to stop Ford and extract himself out of a (one-sided) conversation.

[cossiemoss]

Bruce and Logan explaining to the team how throwing Wolverine at the enemy team is the best and only plan, and they don't need another healer.