#which at the time felt unfair because she didnt explain why

[biblicalhorror]

The most frustrating part of engaging in any of this discourse with pro-Israel people is that they claim there's just something ineffable about "seeing and understanding" how supporting Palestinian liberation is directly calling for the eradication of Jewish people (as if that type of rhetoric isn't exactly how actual antisemitism often manifests in online spaces but that's a topic for another day)

They get through people debunking the "the land belongs to the people of Israel anyway" argument and the "LGBTQ Palestinians are safe in Israel" argument and the "Genocide isn't what's happening here so you should educate yourself" argument and when all of those points are meticulously disproven over and over they still stand with "Well, myself and your Jewish friends see the hate you have in your heart for us" and it truly doesn't matter what you say at that point because even if you yourself are Jewish they will claim that refusing to support the state, government and military of Israel is inherently hateful and bigoted, as if a religious ethnostate is some inherent human right that is being taken away from them. I know many of them are blinded by the relentless propaganda that's been around their whole lives and how hard it is to break free from a belief system that is so tied to your core identity as a human being but it is so frustrating watching people being led straight to the point over and over again and just turning around and refusing to see it.

It's also so frustrating to see people using the momentum of this movement to casually tack on actual antisemitism to these discussions, as if having Jewish people in positions of power is why the US bends over backwards to excuse the actions of Israel and not, yknow, the fact that our government directly benefits from having a military stronghold in the middle east. I've talked to some well-meaning pro-Palestine friends irl who casually use antisemetic talking points because they've ALSO bought into the narrative that Israeli = Jewish and so they blame the actions of Israel and the IDF on Jewish people's "religious values" and ignore the fact that this conflict really has almost nothing to do with religion itself and everything to do with capitalism, imperialism and maintaining the US's status as a so-called "global power".

[that-little-zebunny]

Skin to Skin (First Date)

Pairing: Loki x Avenger!Reader

Warning: Angst, little Gorey-ish details, Fluff

WC: 2,151

Summary: You're new to the team and end up messing it up with the God of mischief on your first day in. Knowing his reputation you're up for a fun time in the compound.

Note: First of all thank you so much guys for the warm acceptance you gave on our 1st part T....T y'all made my heart so so happy. I hope you'll enjoy this part and I'd love to know how you think. Its a bit long so yay enjoy.

2nd day of our wonderful HBC's Week of Love for the lovely @the-th-horniest-book-club 🥰

You know what's the fun part of fighting the bad? It's that it doesn't choose a great time. It pops up as randomly as it can. So here you are on your second day trying to go around and meet people, when you got a message to suit up.

Small details are that you and your team are going to keep an eye on one of hydras abandoned bases because Friday had detected some activity there.

What you didn't know is the team you speak of is just you, the Falcon, Natasha and Loki. Yup, how fun will it be? You and the person that doesn't like you in one deadly work. You won't be surprised if somehow between the fighting you'll be stabbed by him. You shook your head to remove the thoughts running in it. You really should stop watching suspense shows. You sighed.

After almost three hours in the air you all finally made it in the location. You scratched your head when you saw that the area is surrounded by a lot of trees.

"Looks like we're up for a fun hide and seek game if there's really people here now." Nat said as she fixed all the weapons secured on her belt. Sam agreed. He activated three of his cute little drones to help out with securing the area for treats.

"We should go. All these small talks will not vanish our enemies." Loki said walking past the three of you. You pouted.

"I think that's mostly because of me. Sorry guys." You said as you finished fixing your knives on your belt and grabbing your metal staff. It's your main weapon because it keeps you from getting near anyone when it's not needed.

"No worries cookies, he's like that to everyone. He didn't really have a choice in being here. He's banished here to help." Sam said using the silly nickname they all choose to give you after you delivered tons of cookies to them.

You look at Loki's retreating back sadly.

You're able to get inside the rusty building without encountering anyone.

"This is a bit creepy. How did Friday detect anything here? There's no one in about 10 kilometers." Sam said as he checked the tech in his arm.

"Maybe it's a ghost?" You joked which earned you a strange look from them. "What? I watch movies." You rolled your eyes at them and continued going to another part of the building to check. It looks like you're in a laboratory slash surgery room. That gave you chills. You tried to not imagine how many bodies were cut and gutted in here.

"You have a very unique mind." Someone said which made you squeak. You turned around swinging your staff towards the voice but was halted by a sting hand. Loki held the end of your staff smirking at you.

"Crap…" you whispered. You didn't do anything again didn't you? "I-I'm sorry." You bit your lips as you relaxed, removing your staff from his hold.

"For someone that works with emotions you do suck at it." He said, smirking at you.

You scratched your nape as you stared up at his face, his very very beautiful face. Ugh!

"I know. Its been a challenge controlling my own. I was so used at controlling others." You said remembering your childhood. How you tried to mold your always bickering parents to play nice when you're around and to act as if they loved you. You know they hated it and they hated you but what can you say you were ten and scared. But they didn't care. All they know is you're an anomaly and that they rather not be around you. That's why as soon as your grandma offered they toosed you away like a hot potato.

You shook your head as your most dreaded memory came up. You frowned and turned to look at Loki again.

"Was that you!?" You asked. You're gritting your teeth as you feel the rage consume you. He just stared down at you smirking wickedly. You boinked away the tears that threatened to fall from your eyes. "We're even now." You said gripping your staff.

"Yes we are." He proudly said as he went around checking if he could find anything useful and you did the same.

It really was a lab and they've experimented on people trying to make a brain dead person have functions again. That made your stomach turn especially when you saw the reports of how the patients reacted to that. Some were like dummies and some became vicious. And so many more that you end up closing the files you're reading and you just grabbed them.all to bring them back with you.

"Find anything else?" You asked Loki but he didn't answer so you went to look what he's doing in the room he went in. You found him staring at a cradle.

"There's a body here." He said. That alerted you. Especially when you saw him touch the cradle to open it using his power.

"Nooo Loki don't!" You shouted as the cover of it opened up releasing some kind of gas. Knowing the few things you've read if your guess is correct this is gonna be bad.

You ran to him to grab his arm to pull him away but he didnt move so when you saw the sharp claw like hands coming out the gas you didn't think much and just went in between Loki and the thing.

You gasped in pain as you felt the slicing on your back.

"Good norns! Y/N! You dumb, dumb mortal!" He shouted as he caught you in his arms when your legs gave out. He looked behind you and flicked his hands green mist went to take away the life from the girl from the cradle. You heard its body make noise as it fell down.

Still in Loki's embrace you tried to breathe deep but it ended up just you gasping painfully. The cuts must have been deeper than you thought.

"L-Loki…" you pleaded with him as you felt your breathing start getting shallow and you feel like you're drowning. You must have blood on your lungs by now. You tried to swallow the sobs that tried to get out of your lips and you just stared up at his face. He really have a nice face. It's unfair.

You must have lost your mind because when he caught you staring you smiled up at him which in return got you another frown.

"Stop admiring me. I know I look better than the normal midgard male population. You really must be dumb, why did you jump infront of me. I'm a God I won't be hurt by a mere scratch." He said as he helped you to lay down on the floor as he called out to Nat and Sam on his coms. He turned you on your side to check your injury and you heard him take in a breath.

"Is it bad?" You asked thinking of the worse based on his face.

"Don't get your brain all rilled up, Cookies. It'll be alright." You giggled when you heard him call you on your new nickname.

"S-so I'm cookies to y-you now too." You coughed but still smiling.

"Oh you need to shuush." He said but you can hear the smile in his tone. So your stupidity got you on his goodside.

"How can I s-shuush. This might be my last time to talk. What i-if some parasite is now in me and I'll start walking and biting people." You caughed again as you felt something soothing on your back.

"You need to change what you watch Y/N. That's not healthy anymore." He said, shaking his head. Your back is starting to feel nice now and your head is like it's floating. You giggled again as you touched his face. Even in your groggy brain you felt his emotions. Scared, amused and adoration. Is that all for you? You smiled at him again as your eyes were about to close.

"You should date me Loki." You said. His eyes went wide as he steadied you to pick you up.

"That's the soothing magic talking." He said as he started to walk.

You're about to walk past the table where you put down the files you found when you remember how important they are.

"Wait! Wait! Lemme grab those." You pointed to the tall stocks of folders.

He walked near it and you grabbed them and hugged them on your chest like your life depends on it.

You feel proud of yourself getting them or being carried by Loki. You're not sure which anymore and before he even finds your team you fell asleep.

You woke up in what you guessed as the med bay. You tried to get up and looked around to find no one. You brushed your hair with your hand as you tried to stand but got dizzy. You tried to grip the bed frame for support but you're too slow so you just let yourself fall. You're about to kiss the floor when two strong hands caught you and relief and annoyance flooded your brain.

"You must enjoy being in my arms." He teased as he helped you back on the bed.

"You got nice arms." You joked as you went back on your bed. You took a deep breath and seriously asked him "how did the rest of the mission go?"

"Well, the Widow was able to find some scavengers that tried to loot the structure they came back there before we left and they must have been the ones who triggered Friday's system. The monstrous thing that attacked you is dead officially and we didn't find another of it but we did find a mass grave behind the building." He explained as he sat down on the side of your bed.

You thanked him and relaxed knowing there's no more of that thing around.

"Do you like steak or do you prefer the simple ones?" Loki suddenly asked. You looked at him confused.

"What for?" You asked.

"You have offered me to date you. Have you forgotten?" He said, smirking at you. You felt your cheeks heat up. Crap you did. Mid thinking about tobe a zombie parasite walker time. You looked at him waiting for him to say he's joking but nothing . He just raised one gorgeous eyebrow as he waited.

"You're serious?" You covered your face with one hand as you tried to let what he's saying sink in.

"Very serious, you've felt my darkest emotions I've seen your darkest memories don't you think we're past the getting to know part Sam keep on babbling about?" He said as he slowly touched your elbow with a finger and you felt his sincerity and adoration. Your brain feels like it's about to explode. This majestic person really wants to go out with you. Omg!!!

You slowly nodded and he smiled.

"So stake or not?" He asked again.

"I like steak." You answered back. He smiled and left. Leaving you with so many emotions that you never felt before as your own. Joy, giddiness and something you can't name.

A week after you're out of being stuck on a medical bed you and Loki went to that date. You still can't believe it's happening. He even did all the preparations and stuff. He brought you to a gorgeous restaurant with beautiful music and the tastiest stake you ever had. It was so much fun. He's very funny in his own way. You're both enjoying a walk before going back to the compound when you felt Loki grab your gloved hand. You look up at him.

"What's wrong?" You asked. He just smiled and kissed your hand.

"I'm just very glad I gave myself a chance to know you more and not let what happened to us on our first meeting get to me. You're a very fascinating and beautiful lady Y/N. Thank you for being with me today." He said. You smiled warmly at him as you took off your gloves. You stashed them in the pocket of your coat and brought your hands up to his face but didn't completely touch him.

"May I?" You asked and you saw his face softened. You told him that you will never touch him without his permission.

"Yes…" he answered as he held both your hands and brought them close to his face. He closed his eyes and sighed at the feel of your skin. Feeling that strange feelings again that you can't name you're not sure if it's yours or Loki's emotion. You stepped closer to him and tiptoed to reach his waiting lips. You can't wait to understand that strange feeling but for now you're gonna enjoy how good it feels.

Tag list

Skin to skin: @delightfulheartdream @victias @kaogasm @marvelgirl7 @alexakeyloveloki @newdaynewyearnewlife @multifandomlife22

Tom Hiddleston and Characters: @jewels2876 @jobean12-blog @CurlyRed2020

The ones with stikes, I cant tag you guys i dunno why T.T

[reyhospacebitch]

I cant stop thinking about how everyone Daisy has ever loved, romantically or platonically, always ended up leaving her for one reason or another and even the people who *do* stay, only stay at arms length until Daniel Sousa appeared.

every time a romantic partner didnt like something she does or believes, its held against her or someone runs.

Miles? He wasnt who she thought he was yes but he didnt handle her changing well at allll. Uncompromising, he wanted her to give up the team and her mission (at the time, to find her parents) and when she refused he bolted, blaming HER even though *he* was the one who got people killed.

Ward? Omfg this was such a shit show. She blamed herself for not seeing his manipulations sooner and emotionally takes on the blame for Keonig’s death. And then the entire team judged her for having feelings for him despite not knowing in such a cringe way, Daisy was full on forced to choose Ward or Everyone Else constantly. Yet again Daisy was punished for having feelings for someone who used those feelings against her.

Lincoln? He was the most supportive of her romantic pairings but he always had one foot out the door, understandably. He hated SHIELD, had his own massively unresolved issues and overall just never really gave Daisy the support she needed. It wasnt his fault. It wasnt anyones fault. He was just young and Dealing With Shit like Daisy was. And yet Even when he sacrificed his life for her, moments before he ran from her. When she reached her breaking point and asked to go back to HIVE Lincoln’s response to her severe trauma of being mind controlled was to break up with her... And to tell her she needed to work on herself, which yes she needed therapy but 😫

for someone who was abandoned her entire life by adults for making the Smallest of mistakes (ie look at her convo with jiaying about breaking a glass at a foster home) to punish her when she needs to be hugged is the most traumatizing shit ever. And yet it happened over and over again.

And not just by boyfriends.... Repeatedly Jemma and Coulson held her feelings for Ward against her in ways that felt unfair. And what about the time she left SHIELD because Lincoln died and she couldnt handle anything anymore? The woman was suicidal and desperate. Coulson and Mack just wanted to help so they chased after her - though I honestly dont think they knew what she needed in that moment and thats why she didnt come in. However, Fitz? Fitz took her leaving as a personal attack, as her abandoning him and the team. Yes he has his own trauma around abandonment so I get why he wouldnt take it well, but he threw it in her face Multiple Times as if she had done a great ~Sin~ by leaving the team. He held it against her as a personal failing in a way that was completely unfair. SHIELD is a job. She didn’t owe SHIELD her mental health. Since joining she had experienced so much loss (her mother, father AND a boyfriend) on top of all the deaths and torture she blamed herself for AND being mind controlled and almost dying multiple times??? Her friends and family should have hugged her and sent to a good therapist, not yell at her for not handling her trauma the way *they* wanted. I adore the SHIELD family and know they are all incredibly flawed and human and thats what makes the show so meaningful but you cant deny the fact that Rarely has Daisy ever been showed unconditional love on this show.

But this is all IMPORTANT context for why Daisy is so blown away by what Daniel Sousa tells her in the time loop. The fact that he Sees her and just wants to Be There to support her? Its something Daisy has secretly always wanted but was too afraid to ask for. She’s been hurt so many times and yet here is this man who literalllly just died for her, who is now telling her he wants to always be there to pick her back up? The way this would blow Daisy’s mind and hit at some desire buried so deep she prob cant even vocalize it just makes me. 🥺 The meaningfulness of him constantly offering to help and just Be There For Her is impossible to fully explain. I just - Im so fucking soft for them.

[tomdiddlyumptious]

Tom Holland x black reader getting caught fucking in his childhood bed and his parents making reader and Tom talk about it in a family meeting 💀💀

Oop-

Summary: que?

Warnings: smut and an awkward situation. Cringy smut of course, yelling ar new borns- LaNgUaGe

T.H| I’m Sorry You Said What?

You and tom rode in the car, bumping to something random on the radio as you both made your way back to his old home. Youve been there before but it was nice to come back after a while.

“Y/n?” “What?” You asked looking at him. “I love you” “ewwwww” you stuck out your tongue, he rolled his eyes and smacked his lips while you giggled.

“Im sorryyyyyy” “no your rude” tom shook his head unbuckling himself. “It was a simple joke! Its not my fault you couldnt take it!” He glared at you “you suck” “you swallow” “you choke” “i- i do” you admit making him laugh “ i wont lie” you shrugged and hopped out the car, closing the door behind you.

You both walked to the door and he held on your waist pressing a kiss to your forehead. He knocked and was met immediately with his father with a bib on. “Whats the bib for?” “Im trying to online teach kids how to eat neatly” “they must be newborns for that-“ you bud in.

“Exactly- its to mad in there” “they dont even know theyre moving how do you expect them to know how to raise a fork” nikki asked making you all laugh as dom shrugged but opened the door more inviting you both in. Tom stepped in after you both and you shared hugs before he pulled you into his room. “Thomas is this your room?” “Yes” “why is there a one direction poster?” “I love Niall Horan” he shrugged and shut the door.

Your eyebrows furrowed at him in confusion “I would take you as more of a zayn fan” “well there goes something new, and I know about your obsession with Harry styles already, do NOT rub it in” he demanded making you giggle, you took off your shoes and laid in his bed, which was comfy, not firm like yours used to be, but as long as you had a roof over your head everything was goddamn fine🙄.

Thomas decided to lay down next to you and you still looked around “I’m supprised you don’t have twilight in here” you giggled “shut up” he chuckled and laid his head in your breast, you played with his hair and tugged it a bit making him let out a small groan “Thomas don’t-“ “you tugged my hair!” “This is your childhood room for heaven sakes” “let’s make more memories then!” He suggested. “You get on my nerves’ you smacked your lips as he reached up to kiss your neck and slowly make his way to your sweet spot. “I want youuuu” he sung.

“But I dontttt” “yes you doooo” “okay maybeeee” “I’m gonna take off your clothessss” “go aheadddd”you moaned a little bit from his nibble on your sweet spot as he trailed his hands down your stomach giving you goosebumps. Your turned your head to meet his lips, “did I ever tell you how amazing you look today?” “No”

“Well-“ he cut himself off, you just love to ruin the mood all the time. “Ay don’t blame me if anything you did because were in your childhood bed right now” “I’m gonna fuck you and that’ll make you be quiet, won’t it?” You just sighed at his words, but letting the blood flow south.

“Actually it won’t, I’d make you scream and let everyone hear- (this is your family for heaven sakes😭)” he mumbled, playing with the hem of your underwear and you let out a low moan. “Yeah i know youd like that, naughty girl (😭😭 i cant)”

He gently rubbed your pearl over your paintes while you unbuckled his pants, palming him through his jeans feeling his hard. He let out a groan and pressed harder on your clit making you whine and buck your hips onto his hands.

“AH” you both jumped and looked at the door seeing it was still shut you sighed in relief. “NO NO WHAT ARE YOU DOING? STOP THE FORK DOESNT GO ALL THE WAY DOWN YOUR THROAT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW- IM TELLING YOUR MOM- WHAT WHAT- DONT CRY PLEASE STOP ILL GET IN SO MUCH TROUBLE”

Tom groaned by the buzzkill of his father, but let out laughs in your neck. “Just make it quick tom” you whispered against his forehead kissing it, he nodded and got up, walking to the door and you stood to, taking off your pants while he made sure it was locked, when he looked back he saw you struggling and tripping over your shoes making him chucke before walking over and making yiu stand straight, right before pinning you to the wall.

He took your hands and yanked them over your head making you clench your legs together. “Open up” he demaned softly, putting his knee in between your legs and opening them before looking at you. “Your so beautiful baby girl” he kissed you, biting your lip. “Dont move your hands? Hear me?”

“But it will start to hurt” you pleaded but he only tsked at you and told you to follow his orders before pulling down his pants and boxers a bit to pull himself out, you both still had clothes on, well you didnt have your jeans on (which is so fuckin unfair) and your shoes but he kept his on.

He took his hands and pressed his chest against your to keep you in place before he lifted your legs around his hips and used a single hand to pull your panties to the side. He spit in the tip of his fingers before runnjng them through your folds “oh- your already soaked” he said before coning cocky “i didnt even do anything yet” “please fuck me already” you begged and he smiled, watching as he slipped himself in, a moan leaving both of your lips.

He started to fill himself in you while you struggled to keep your hands in place. He groaned pumping in you, fucking you against the wall, he hooked his hands under your knees and pushed them closer to the walls to open you up. “Fuck tommy” you gasped, your head leaning back against the wall and he took the chance to lick and suck on your sweet spot, to hot in the moment to remember where he is.

“Fuck y/n your so tight- shit-“ he felt you clench, he started to harder but slow, the sound bouncing off the wall as you swallowed your moans. “Shit- tommy” your back arched off the wall, your arms to tired and heavy so they went around his shoulders and your head in his neck. “You tired baby?“

“UMMMMM” nikki said, both of your heads whipping around. “MOM-“ she slammed the door closed before anything else could happen.

“Dinner is in 15 minutes- uhhhh dont be late. Make sure to clean up” she said leaning up against the door “and please dont ya know-“ she nervously chuckled “finish” “IT WASNT LIKE THAT I SWEAR”

“Thomas it’s obvious” you glared at him, when he pulled out of you a sigh left your lips. “I swear i locked the door” he said putting himself back, watching you as you got yourself together. “Does it really matter now?” He only shrugged in response.

Toms cheeks were scarlet while you tried to get yourself to stop shaking so much. “It cant be that bad, right?” You held onto his arm for strength. “I mean it should all be fine cuz like- they did it to have me!” “Yeahyeahyeah” you nodded, kinda getting confident. “Lets just go” you pulled his arm to the dinning room, meeting a pair of 2 eyes starring at you both.

You all just sat there in silence, all of your movements halt as you made eye contact with nikki and tom made eye contact with his dad. “Dont be shy now, its only dinner” nikki said, placing the plates infront of the seat.

You looked at tom and he did a small nod walking right behind you to sit in the seats right next to each other.

“If you couldnt already tell we are having- erm spaghetti” she smiled trying to ease the tension but it was to thick.

After everyone took a couple bites you sipped the water. “Would you care to explain what happened-“ you choked on the water at doms words, the water shooting out of your nose while everyone looked at you. “I drank it to fast- haha” you faked a laugh, cleaning yourself up with the napkin.

“I didnt know you could do that....” tom said before looking at his dad. “We uhhh had ya know” tom looked away, feeling his ears start to burn up. “Ya know???” Nikki comments.

“You knowwwww like uhmmm” “clearly child” dom said glarring at him. “Who had the idea?” “I think we both know who”

You lifted your arms up in defense “it wasnt me” tom smaced his lips at you and you looked at him shrugging “it wasnt!” “You told me to make it quick!-“

“THOMAS” “whaaaat?! Its true!” “You still started it!”

Nikki and don watched the fued between as you to continued to complain and fight. “You were clearly being to loud thats why we got caught!-“

“Actually i heard thuds against the wall soooo” nikki spaced off as you glarred at him. “Who was making to much noise?” You lifted an eyebrow before he rolled his eyes and turned his chair a bit to not look at you.

“Did you use protection?” Dom asked. “Uhhh no” tom said. “Why not?” Nikki butted in. He only shrugged. “You need to use protection” “no we dont”

Nikki tapped behind her ear “what did you say?” “We will use protection” tom changed his mind. “Aha and how did you get that mark on your neck” nikki turned to you.

“I-uh burned my neck with the curling iron!” “Your hair isnt in curls” you bit your lip at her words “yeah welp i gave up after and dumped my hair in water” dom tried to read toms face and body language “it looks like a bruise, how high was the temperature?” Nikki asked, slightly concerned. “I have no idea”

“Just- why here?” Tom starred at nikki “i dont know i was just caught in the moment~” “dont you only say that when your a virgin doing it-“ “y/n we are supposed to be a team!” “Im just saying!”

“Before you both argue again.....” nikki said stopping the pot from boiling. “I just want to say that i hope your both happy and no longer sexually aroused”

“Nikki!” “What?! I have to say that Dominic!” “No you didnt, but if you dont mind i have to be leaving now, i have to teach the babies how to read” dom stood and took his plate to the kitchen, soon everyone done with their meal as you sat in silence washing dishes with nikki.

“Are you planning on making me a grandma?” She whispered, handing you the wet dish. “No not really” you sighef, drying the dish. “That sucks” “yep”

“But like why not!” “Toms busy with work and all do i dont want him to feel to responsible” “i have to agree on that one, barely wants to wipe his ass” “nikki!” You whisper yelled as she giggled, passing you anothet plate as you put the old one back.

“I know how it feels- dom cant keep his hands off of me” she winked as your eyes widened at her. “What! Im old not dead y/n” “you are not old nikki and plus i dont wanna know that!” “Hey im just letting you know” she shrugged.

“Dad she isnt pregnant and wont be anytime soon” “just bring me the babies! I will teach them how to cook, clean, eat-“ “thats our job dad”

“Well its better then these babies- WHO WONT STOP CHEWING ON THE BOOK-“

“WAAAAAAA”

“OH GOD PLEASE STOP CRYINGGG BLOODY HELL” dom said, snatching the ipad. “But please dont have sex in my house, thomas” dom glared at him while tom aggressively nodded his head.

“S-seth”

“THATS A NO NO WORD- STOP SAYING THAT” dom yelled again, stressing himself out. “WHY ARE YOU EVEN DOING IT IN THE FIRST PLACE?” Nikki yelled from the kitchen, walking infront of you into the livingroom.

“BECAUSE THESE BABIES ARE GONNA BE VERY SMART- IF THEY COULD FECKING LISTON (i did that on purpose)”

“f-fe-“

“Dont you even” he pointed at the new born through the ipad.

“Seth!”

“DOMINIC!”

[thechangeling]

I was the one who found him:

This is a little idea my brain just came up with. Helen and Ty oneshot right before the meeting at the Council hall at the end of LOS. I have such a thing for queer characters interacting with one another.

Helen was back.

The words kept swirling around in Ty's head, taking the time to fully sink in and be absorbed. Helen is back. She's here. She's finally here after all of this time.

There were many different confusing and conflicting emotions that he was feeling. He couldn't quite describe it or decipher it just yet. But he was mostly happy to see her. Perhaps a little anxious and wary of the change.

Afraid of when she would be ripped away again. It was all too much. Too overwhelming. Ty took a deep breath as Livvy bounced over to where Mark and Helen were gripping onto each other and whispering to each other in happy, tearful voices.

Mark and Helen had a special relationship, sort of like the one he had with Livvy. He had never been bothered or jealous in any way. He knew it was because there was something different about both of them that bound them together. They were both part fae and both Bisexual. They had a special bond the same way Ty and Livvy did. It made perfect sense.

Livvy ran over to Helen and Helen rushed forward, embracing her. There was more crying and excited chatter. Ty hung back, not really knowing what to do or say.

"Aren't you going to go say hi to your sister?" Kit asked from behind him. Ty felt an odd pull at his heartstrings at the sound of his voice. He turned to face Kit.

Kit had become a sort of constant lately. Ty had gotten quite used to always having him there. And he enjoyed it as well. There was something about Kit that made Ty curious, and all kinds of other emotions he had trouble deciphering. He liked having Kit around, liked hearing him talk, liked telling him about Sherlock, and all of his plans which sometimes now didn't even include Livvy. It wasn't as though Ty was trying to freeze her out, it was just that there were times that he honestly just wanted Kit to himself.

It was a little concerning.

And Ty loved to stare at him. There was just something about his face, the shape of his lips, his cheekbones, his tiny little California freckles. Ty wanted to touch every single one. Then he had seen Kit kissing Livvy and he had felt that same overwhelming, horrible feeling of despair that usually came with a horrible breakdown.

And he had been furious too. Furious with his sister for some unknown reason. Ty hadn't been mad at Livvy in over five years. The worst part was is he had no logical reason to feel this way.

"I'm scared to go see her," Ty admitted. "It's been such a long time since we last talked. I'm worried that she's different. That's she's changed too much," Ty explained. "I can't handle her being different."

Kit stared at him for a moment, then smiled a small compassionate smile. "But aren't you kinda different now too? So odds are she's changed as well and that's ok. If you're both different people now, and your old relationship doesn't fit any more, then make a new one," Kit explained. "I promise you, it'll be just as good. Trust me ok?"

Ty was so tempted to tell him that he would believe anything Kit said as long as he kept looking at him like that.

This was very dangerous. These things didn't usually end well for Ty.

He nodded and turned around, heading for Helen, too afraid to spend any longer with Kit. Helen broke away from Livvy and beamed at him.

"Ty Ty! Oh look at how tall you've gotten!" She exclaimed.

Ty shrugged. "Yes that tends to happen as someone ages."

Helen laughed. "I missed you sweetheart. Are you ok to hug, or do you want a high five instead?"

Ty paused, considering it. "I think I'd rather high five," he admitted. It had been a long time since he had last seen Helen, and he wasn't sure if he would be ok with her touch.

When he felt the skin of her palm touch his, Ty felt a momentary rise of panic. But then he felt the wave of familiarity wash over him. And the memories. Helen reading to him, playing with him when he was young. Listening to him talk about all of the things closest to his heart without any judgement.

Helen hugging him goodbye the day she was exiled, telling him it was going to be ok.

Telling him that sometimes life was just unfair and cruel. Especially to those who were different.

Ty felt a lump in his throat. He held on tightly to her hand, trying not to cry. Helen smiled.

"I missed you too Ty. So," she continued. "Who is that over there?" She pointed past him over at Kit. Ty attempted to appear neutral.

"That's Christopher Herondale," Ty told her. "Although he prefers to be called Kit. He's a decesendent of the lost Herondale line." Ty stopped, smiling slightly. "I was the one who found him."

Helen smirked playfully. "You were the one who found him huh? Does that mean you get to keep him?"

Ty froze, stunned.

"What?"

Helen shook her head. "No I'm sorry Ty Ty, I shouldn't have said that. I was just trying to joke around," she apologized. Ty was still unable to say anything. His breathing had become harsh. He didnt understand why he felt this way. So exposed.

Or maybe he did. Helen had indirectly forced him to confront something he had been trying so hard to avoid. Except he wasn't ready. He didn't have the time. There was too much going on.

Ty had never really thought about his attraction towards other people before, or any kind of romantic interest. Yes there had been both girls and boys that he had found attractive over the years but it was never significant. It was never really noteworthy.

He had never felt the things he was feeling now.

"Ty?" Helen sounded concerned. She gently placed a hand on his arm. "Are you ok?"

Ty shook himself out of it and tried to appear calm. In the background more and more people were entering the council hall and taking there seats.

"Listen," she continued. "After this, if you want someone to talk to-"

"Will you even be here afterwards?" Ty interrupted. He hadn't meant to sound rude, but he felt vulnerable in a room full of untrustworthy people.

Helen opened her mouth to respond, but the sound if Consul Penhallow's voice telling everyone to take their seats interrupted her.

Helen looked at him apologetically. Ty said nothing, just watched her walk back to where Aline was sitting. This meeting would determine her fate. It would determine if she could stay or not. Ty looked around the room at all if the cohort members with their signs, at the nervous faces of his family members.

There was a strong part of Ty that just wanted to leave. But he couldn't. It was important that he stayed for his family. He searched for Kit before he could stop himself and came up empty.

Livvy suddenly appeared at his side, pulling on his arm. "Come on Ty, we need to sit." Ty thought about asking where Kit was but then decided against it. It didnt matter. He didnt need to be there. Ty willed himself not to care.

He couldn't shake the feeling of panic and discomfort though. He couldn't help but remember Helen's words from earlier.

Does that mean you get to keep him?

Ty wished he had the ability to approach any of this with logic or reason. He wished he could find the right words and arrange them in a perfect pretty way, like a poem or a song. But in the end all Ty had was this feeling. This powerful all consuming feeling that had led him to sit in front of a strangers door for no reason.

No reason other then the hope of seeing his face again.

Does that mean you get to keep him?

No it didn't.

Not as long as Kit kept leaving him.

Author's note: I know I used breakdown instead of meltdown and that's kind of offensive, but at this point Ty doesn't know what meltdowns are called.

@ti-bae-rius @zfoxdraws @anxiousbookenthusiast @julieandthefandoms @eutony-in-whisper @older-brother-kit @dianasarrow @stxr-thxif @thelandunderthehilll @banesbitch @magnus-the-fabulous-entp-bane @swordwifes

[angstymdzsthoughts]

wangxian loveless au where during that one drunken night wwx and lwj slept together and wwx didnt come out of the situation unscathed. he began having nauseous bouts and experiencing fatigue and after a couple months his stomach grew bigger. he's absolutely terrified bc not only are he and lan zhan just 16 and 17, he would absolutely bring shame to yunmeng jiang if people knew their lead disciple got pregnant out of wedlock like some common whore.

if there is anything more strange than ruckus in the cloud recesses, it is wei wuxian being silent and obedient. it has been a couple months since something just changed in wei wuxian like a switch being flipped and he just.. stopped being a troublemaker. he stopped talking back to the lan teachers, stopped sneaking out at night, stopped nipping at lan wangji's heels and giving jiang cheng headaches. instead he gives jc a different kind of headache with how skittish and mousy he acts. wwx still does well in his studies and sword practice, but he's a lot less reckless, a lot less free, a lot less wei wuxian, and jiang cheng can already feel his a-jie and father's disappointment weighing on his shoulders.

wwx uses talismans after talismans to conceal his growing bulge and with the thick winter robes, no one suspected a thing. he just has to be a lot more careful and avoid the healers at all costs, lest they find out about his secret. instead of going out and hunting pheasants, he spends his free time reading huaisang's romantic novels and keeps a sketch book filled with his everyday paintings. lan qiren is equal parts content, intrigued, and horrified. if his teachers couldn't manage to keep changse still, what had he done so terribly wrong to make the boy change so abruptly?

lan wangji got his peaceful silence back. wei wuxian had been mildly entertaining for a while, but now that he's gotten bored of getting rebuffed, he had stopped and lan wangji didn't miss it too much. lan xichen is a little disappointed that wei wuxian didnt manage to crack down wangji's walls, but it would be unfair to expect the boy to do so for him.

before they knew it, the snow is thick in the cloud recesses and the disciples were let to retire earlier in the evening. their study would soon end when the frost melts. wwx slipped out of his room when he felt the contractions coming. the moon hung high, its light illuminating the serene white and lan xichen went on his night patrol shift as usual. he was walking on one of the watch towers when his tranquil was broken by a muffled shriek of pain.

wei ying stumbled into an empty room, doubling in pain and hurriedly put on silencing talismans. the pain and pressure seemed to last forever and when its over, a shrill cry brought much anticipated relief.

wei wuxian picked the baby- his baby- off the floor, shielded only by his hastily discarded outer robe from the cold wooden floor. the baby is laid on his chest, blood and slime staining his white robes but wei wuxian doesn't see anything past the scrunched little face and he couldn't believe he had ever thought of getting rid of this being in his arms. he only got a short tender moment before the door slammed open and to his horror, zewu-jun staring at him with mirrored terror on his face.

lan xichen followed the sounds and found himself in front of an empty classroom. the door pulsed with spiritual energy and he could tell the silencing talisman put on was only half installed. he raised his hand to knock and- is that a baby's cry? his hand moved itself and slammed the door open. "wei gongzi?!" wei wuxian laid on the floor, the bottom of his robes open and in his hold is a tiny wailing baby still connected to him through the umbilical cord.

"ze-zewu-jun, i-" wei wuxian clutched the baby tighter to his chest, as if afraid lan xichen is going to take him away. "please let me help you," the older interrupted, shuffling in to begin helping wei wuxian. he took out spare cloths from his qiankun pouch and wrapped them around the boy and his baby. wei wuxian couldn't look at lan xichen. no wonder he has been laying low, if he's keeping such a secret.

poor boy, did someone force him? is that why he had to hide? "wei gongzi, are you-" his hand accidentally brushed over the meridian on the child's head and felt a familiar signature. the baby is a lan. wei wuxian's eyes goes wider if that was possible. lan xichen tugged slightly to reveal the baby's face. his tiny golden eyes are open and all xichen could see was wangji's childhood face. wangji's son, oh god wei wuxian gave birth to wangji's son.

but how did wangji ever- it can't be- wangji drunkenly bedded wei wuxian and now he has a son! lan xichen trembled and stood. "zewu-jun?" the first jade just ran, but not before slapping on a silencing and locking talisman on the room. "zewu-jun, i can explain!"

.

class was cancelled the next day. not with lan qiren so close to a qi deviation with the news from xichen that wangji has a son, just born last night and by a guest disciple, no less! he sent wei wuxian along with his baby into seclusion, telling jiang cheng that his shixiong sneaked out again and will be put into solitary for a few days. immediate invitation was sent to jiang fengmian and yu ziyuan, insisting that it is urgent that both of them come.

lan wangji stands in front of the room wei wuxian is detained in. he had been content with uncle and brother as family. it never crossed his mind that he would get married or have a child- much less with wei wuxian. but the boy is in this room right now, with a child that is his. his son. he should come in- should at least see the child. he should take responsibility, even if he didn't mean to. he shouldn't push his son onto someone else, he shouldn't-

"lan zhan? is that you?" wei wuxian's voice sounded nervous. he probably saw lan wangji's shadow in front of his door. "i- can i come in?" lan wangji replied hesitantly. "please do," he answered.

lan wangji opened the door and stood face to face with wei wuxian, whose usual mischievous expression is replaced entirely with one full of worry and guilt. "lan z-, lan wangji, i'm sorry," he started.

the second jade didn't know what to answer and they stood in silence. "i'm here to see the baby," he began, cursing himself for sounding colder than he intended. "of course.." wei wuxian led him inside, to his bed where the sleeping baby is swathed in thick white blankets provided by zewu-jun.

wangji does see himself in the baby, and for a split second he hated it more than anything. "what is his name?"

wei wuxian doesn't answer. "wei- wei ying?" he was instead staring at the baby. "oh- i'm sorry. what did you say?"

"his name?"

"baobao doesn't have a name yet. i don't know.."

-------

yu ziyuan's face is red with anger. behind her jiang fengmian is filled with worry. of course that no good son of a servant will churn yet another trouble that will bring smear to the yunmeng jiang name all because jiang fengmian has always been too useless and too soft to discipline him properly. lan qiren and lan xichen was already waiting for them.

"sect leader lan, zewu-jun," she greeted them.

"madam yu, sect leader jiang," lan xichen bowed back. "please come inside. we have.. important matter to discuss,"

she notices the silence talisman plastered wall to wall in the meeting room and she could only wonder what had happened for the lans to need such discretion. the tension between them was so thick it could be cut with a knife. "what has that brat done now? i swear if he continues to be unruly i will whip him with zidian until he repents," yu ziyuan started.

lan qiren chokes on his tea a little bit. "that would be unnecessary, madam yu," xichen winced, " i believe it would be highly inappropriate to subject him to corporal punishments considering his.. delicate condition right now,"

"delicate..? is a-xian sick? is that why you called us here? then- can we see him now?" of course jiang fengmian would worry about that useless boy first before he ever thinks about her son. "shut it, jiang fengmian!" yu ziyuan barked. "i bet you he just fell from the mountain and broke his bones while sneaking out to do god knows what! this is the boy you keep spoiling! that good for nothing son of a servant!"

lan qiren and lan xichen both shriveled in their seats at her tone. what happened to wei wuxian was much, much worse. "madam yu," lan xichen tried. "wei wuxian.. gave birth to a son two nights ago,"

yu ziyuan's face flashed an angry shade of red, then white, and then green before she shred the table in front of her into splinters. "he.. gave birth?"

lan xichen solemnly nodded.

the chuckle that left her mouth terrified everyone in that room. lan qiren tried his best to not vomit blood. "don't tell me, that boy now has a kid.. like some whore?"

lan qiren looked at jiang fengmian. the man's face was paper white and tongue-tied. he pitied him, having to bear the brunt of yu ziyuan's wrath on top having to process this information.

"does he even know who the father is? or did he sleep with everyone in gusu?"

"third madam!"

lan xichen looked like he is going to start crying, so lan qiren chimed in.

"the father is wangji,"

.

the negotiation was dreadful. jiang fengmian tried to get wei wuxian and his baby to go back to lotus pier. yu ziyuan refused to bring that disgrace back to lotus pier. lan qiren insisted that wei wuxian and lan wangji must marry, now that their child is the third heir to gusu lan. news will be let out that the lead disciple of yunmeng jiang and the second young master of lan had been engaged for a while and will soon marry. their altercations during the length of the study had just been because they had an ongoing squabble. the child will be announced one year after his actual birth.

lan wangji chose the name lan yuan for his son, which his uncle and brother approved. wei wuxian's heart fell that they never asked for his opinion on the name.

wei wuxian had to go back to yunmeng jiang when the disciples disperse after their year's study. he couldn't bring baobao to lotus pier without alerting everyone and wei wuxian never cried harder than when he had to part with his baby for the first time. even jiang cheng couldn't console him. he endured the torture for two months. two torturous months without his baby where madam yu only spoke in a cold tone and his shijie's soup no longer comforted him. the last two months yunmeng jiang would ever be his home.

the expensive red robes hang heavy on him. everyone congratulated him on his marriage but all wei wuxian felt is cold. he couldn't look at lan wangji without knowing that he forced the second jade to a marriage he didn't want. lan wangji couldn't look at wei wuxian without wondering what if it had been someone else, someone he had consented to marry. they live in the jingshi, but sleep in different bedrooms. their interactions are polite at best. wei wuxian spends his time cultivating and inventing talismans while raising his son, and lan wangji spends his time cultivating and attending to sect duties.

lan yuan grows to be a smart and strong disciple who excels among his peers. no wonder, people say, his parents are two of the most powerful cultivators of their generation. lan xichen replies to comments of 'lan yuan looks so grown up already' with 'my nephew is tall for his age'. he will no doubt become a fine sect leader one day, people say.

lan wangji and wei wuxian are married, everyone knows that, but they never act like they are. they act like parents to their son, but never like spouses to each other. gusu lan's no gossipping rule never stopped people from talking. lan yuan knows that he is older than his classmates. lan yuan knows why he barely ever see his parents together. he knows they love him, of course, but they don't love each other.

poor lan yuan, people say, trapped in his parents' loveless marriage.

lan yuan knows that he is trapped between a father whose anger kept simmering at having to marry someone he didn't want and a mother who felt like his marriage was a mistake.

[crazyyfilmyfreak]

The Devil All the Time ( 2020 )

OBVIOUSLY SPOILERS FREE REVIEW

"There's a lot of no-good sons of bitches out there"

Okay alright first of all 

This is not your generic go-to netflix crime thriller if you are watching it with that intention everything is wrong with you 

This Film is dark , not just dark but dark as hell which is filled with gore elements which also includes a multi layered story telling and the film is filled with a group of astonishing cast members and every one of them has a potential to carry the whole film on their shoulders with no hard work but just with grace and ease so these reasons altogether might have over hyped few people's expectations and i think that is the main reason why i am seeing some mixed reviews here and there online or maybe just because you started watching this film with a very wrong intent or wrong mind set like i said before and i am stressing this so much because of in my opinion this film is just perfect maybe there are flaws obviously every film will have flaws but i just couldn't see them ? Maybe because i am a big fan of tom holland i might be little biased but to me this film is top notch and this is a perfect film film 

Now speaking about the cast & film overall 

This is a very slow paced slow burning piece of art 

It takes you to the places you can never think of mentally and it makes you feel completely lost in emotions by the end of the film making you numb 

Antonio Campos is a fucking genius i love his way of story telling 

He's honest , he knows what he is doing , he loves taking risks and he never fears when ever he goes out of the conventional film making style and i very much love how he connected every character in the film like i mean every character in the film is interconnected and if you remove any one character you will feel the void , disturbance and unbalance in the film. 

Film lovers might argue with me or hate me for saying this but i feel this film is so much better than christine 👀🤝🏻 atleast to me ? And this is coming from a person who also loved it a lot 

Now the cast 

I cant speak about everyone in the film because this has such a long list of talented actors 😭 who rocked in the film i am only going to speak abt some of my favourite performances as of now i promise to speak about every other cast member and their performance in the later days coz i am very sure this is a film i am going to talk a lot from now and this is also a film that i am going to watch and enjoy in the future days 

First TOM FUCKING HOLLAND 

I have been seeing this dude's films even before the civil war where he played the spidey role and i always felt he was a very raw and potential actor since his childhood but after seeing him in civil war and spider man hoco its just impossible for me to not like him as an actor ? HE IS SO GOOD ON SCREEN and he makes you believe everything when ever he's on screen maybe its swinging from wall to wall or putting a donut or whatever into a guys mouth while kicking his ass and making it look bad ass af🔥 few might feel this are such a silly examples to say but to me this is about how tom brings a realistic approach to a scene and makes it good and i have always been a big fan of tom holland since spiderman hoco and this is nothing related to tdat but y'all might already know timothee was the second closest option of mcu to cast as spidey and tom grabbed that role ever since tom is just busy with mcu films and where as timothee had a incredible and unbelievable growth as an ACTOR for real to me that is stunning because he did it in such short of span and to me as fan of tom holland part of me was always loving him as spidey but a big heart of me felt a void and sad because tom is missing a lot of great opportunities which has a chance to showcase his real acting abilities which made me think what if timothee got the spidey role instead of tom? Maybe we would have seen a serious tom holland as an actor and this thought killed me everytime but everything happens for a reason and tom holland is undoubtedly the best spidey we have ever got and anyways when films like tdat happen many people realise and understand how great and how fucking incredible tom holland is as an actor and i love when everyone appreciate him for this !! It makes my heart very happy and this is the exact reason why this film is so personal and special to me 

Sorry for completely deviating from the film but this is tumblr and i am not a serious film critic lol so forgive me. 

And speaking about his performance in the film he is just surreal and outstanding . The character that he played is a very complicated one not many relate to that character but every one can understand his emotions, actions and intentions in the film and all the credit goes to tom for bringing a life to that character and playing it in such a beautiful way listen to me very carefully when i am saying this not many actors from this generation can bring bundle of emotions at the same time in a same scene but tom holland does that with such an ease and i stg i am not exaggerating if you watch the film you will know what i mean !! And i am very proud to say i am his big fan 

Now Robbert pattinson 

What the fuck should i talk about this asshole 😂🖕? 

My dude's been killing it since remember me and as an actor like i said in the Tenet Review he has matured a lot as an actor since good time and he played a very powerful and sick role in the film i am not gonna spoil it for others just go and watch the fucking film atleast for him he did a great job and i dont understand how the women and gays are dealing with him? Seriously even as a straight guy its hard for me to concentrate on the film or scenes where ever he's present because this asshole is so fucking hot and sexy 👉👈 The directors should either deglamorise him by making him fat or bald or just hide his face with prosthetic make up or sth just like how directors hide tom hardy's face in every film he's in 🙄. Now coming back to his performance its really hard to dominate him when ever he's on screen dude just want all the attention towards him , such a selfish actor huh 

Bill Skarsgard 

He played a very important and crucial role in the film he maynot have big screen time but we can totally feel his presence through out the film i think this one sentence explains how important his character is to the film and how well he potrayed the role and he's the only guy in the film who got an incredible character growth throughout his journey in the film

Harry Melling 

It would be very unfair if i dont speak about harry's performance in tdat 

DUDE KILLED IT . HE SCARED ME WITH HIS EMOTIONS AND EXPRESSIONS . He didn't even a play a negative role but he just added a lot of depth not only to his character but also the film with his intimidating portrayal 

Sebastian stan 

This is the most honest and a very raw performance from Sebastian stan so far ( i am saying this based on the films that i have seen of his ) i just wish he had more screen time thats the only thing that i didnt like in the film also there are so many blanks that needs to be filled about his character 

Eliza Scanlen

I dont remember her from any film or tv series that i have seen before but she's outstanding in the film , the character doesnt have much something new to offer so i can't speak a lot for her but as far as the character concerned she did her best and her performance is a impressive one and many people are gonna love her . 

Riley Keough 

Unlike the previous films & tv series she's been in 

This film gave her a very challenging role and she's the only women in the film who's been through ups and downs and has a very complicated but a impressive character growth with minimal limitations and dimensions 

She was fabulous and incredible . It just stuns me how the character has begin and how it ended at the end 

And special mention to jason clarke and the old couple who played grandparents ( kind of ) to Arvin Russel and lenora . Not all heroes wear the cape. 

Finally despite the mention of god several times in the film this is not really about god at all its about the DEVIL , The DEMON that carries and plays a very pivotal role in the film you cannot see it but you can sense it and feel it 

Its about the blind faith, its about the irreversible & inescapable fate . I really love how Antonio Campos has connected all the dots by the end of the film with a very impressive film making and with a steady gothic theme running till the end internally and i haven't completely finished the book ( The devil all the time ) but if anyone really wants to completely bring the book life they cannot do it in a single film it will take you atleast 4 or 5 tv series to do so but Antonio Campos did it with a single film and added a very deep meaning to the core of the film w/o deviating from the roots of the book & even touched the aspects like duality of a man and some of you grateful fucks are complaining about him 

OBVIOUSLY films ard subjective but you all need to be more open about this film 

In simple words please fucking watch this film guys 🤗❤ 

This one is not for everyone but everyone will have atleast a small aspect in the film that y'all are going to like / love / hate / discuss about. 

The devil all the time is violent , brutal , honest and perfect in every possible way atleast to me and i really want you all to watch it if you're into such type of stuff 

Remember No country for old men ? Now make it 10 times more violent but add some meaning to it with a realistic approach but more slow burning drama and a little bit of darkness ... now that is what The Devil all the time is .

Gif credits : Milesgmorales

[mayabishopapologist]

station 19 - season 4, etc

this is long but i want to put down my thoughts before thursday comes and i guess i have A Lot To Say.

honestly didn’t pay much attention to this show until halfway through season two—  always liked maya and was glad that they gave her more to do. going into season 3, i was excited for more character development &stronger storylines. however, by the end of  301 the dip in quality was glaringly obvious. a quick google search revealed that there was a new showrunner and, well, it showed. 

while the show had been going in a really good direction with balancing the screen time between andy and the other regulars, this season, the plot was all over the place. it was uber dramatic and just. so much happened just to happen? seemed like every other episode had a major event(deaths alone; ryan,rigo,pruitt?!!?). they were so frequent, it was hard to process. it was also hard to get invested as the characters themselves moved on(or were shown to have moved on, extremely quickly!) 

i enjoy the show for what it is and i have no delusions about broadcast tv shows (or shondaland productions, for that matter)but the suspension of disbelief.... i mean: a stabbing, a robbery, a shooting and a car crash? all in one episode? please! lmaooooo. drama for dramas sake is always boring and weakens the story.  

& as for the characters... .

everyone felt like a hollow version of themselves this season and it was hard to watch sometimes, actually. characters switched motivations /personalities for the sake of the current episode and i know this show is very ‘monster/emergency of the week’ but. some consistency! please! like—

maya: she’s always been determined and focused but they went so far with it this season, it was almost cartoonish. her competitiveness was hinted at in season 2 but she was always portrayed as self aware. ‘the beast,’ as she dubbed it to andy, was something she knew of and tried to contain, because she knew it could get out of hand. 

yet, in season 3 she suddenly forgets this and just. becomes the most power hungry/singularly focused person, ever. she goes after the captain position behind andy’s back, (citing andy’s emotional state, because of the death of her best friend as a reason she shouldn’t get the job?? huh. since when is maya this purely callous??!) she just doesn’t give af, suddenly, about andy at all, and goes for a job that she is hardly qualified for(she was lieutenant for like, a few months?)

and then after she gets the position, she just. loses all sense of reality? literally she was so unhinged(fun to watch but so much) and it was like. um?? maya has never been the uptight one (they've mentioned and depicted andy as being the one like this, multiple times!) and we know she knows how to have fun, so, for her to all of a sudden just. not know how to read the room? yeah okay. to make her so intense and severe, especially w the drills and training was, a choice. a bad one, on the writers part. like, i get that they needed her start as captain to be dramatic or whatever,  but there were ways to do that. and even the animosity with the team and her went so far, i just think that whole storyline was amazingly lazy, honestly.  

and the friendships!! andy and maya’s friendship is just, a mess. at this point they've spent more time at odds, and the idea that they're supposed to be best friends with this super close bond? yeah, i just... i dont buy it tbh. if they'd spent more time building up their connections and making us understand why they would be friends and showing them being there for each other past a few scattered scenes her and there? maybe. but so far, that hasn't been the case.  making that bond real, solidifying that friendship, would have made this conflict have more of an emotional impact. but doing it now? making maya ‘turn’ on andy, this soon and this drastically just. it made her seem like she was extremely jealous and had been waiting to pull the rug out from under andy all along. and also, why would they stay friends when, so far, maya has showed, time and time again, that she’s willing to let her wants/ambitions leech on her loyalty to andy? (jack thing, job thing, etc). although, it’s not like andy’s a good friend to maya either, she’s selfish and seems to like it when maya is in her corner but isnt always there for her. they went so far with the idea that maya was this coldly calculating asshole that she was almost a villain?? it was so silly to me.

and the traumatic home life plot they gave to maya was clearly their attempt at some adding nuance to her character and trying to explain why she would act the way she did, but to me? it fell flat. it was rushed, and they went from zero to 100(why did her mother come to talk about her divorce/abuse at maya’s job? like she was literally working? idgi. no boundaries lmaoo) 

and i actually relate and sympathize w maya a lot. and while i liked that they were exploring the many ways abuse can present itself, it was very... hm, ham-fisted. just super rushed and then wrapped up so quickly. they have, i think, written themselves into this dark place i fear they have no intention of exploring. 

and while i understand it, i hated how far they let maya go, especially because i don't feel they’ll adequately address it. they move on so quickly( maya was deaf for like half a season and then. she just. wasn't) and i hate the idea of her just being ‘fixed’. a relationship and an apology doesn't undo years of abuse, idc. also will they ever address maya’s um, thoughts about death??? because that was super heavy and not just something someone gets over? going to need for her to get actual professional help. that isn’t her girlfriend, like. asap. 

speaking of carina, i do like her and maya together a lot. big part of why i watch, ngl. but i need their relationship to be a lot more reciprocal. like, lets dial it back on the codependency, maybe. carina cant (and shouldn't have to) hold her up so much ! that’s not love. also maya needs to start being a good girlfriend. they started off that way, i know they can get back there. but like, we hardly got to see them settle into it, we got those cute 30sec clips of sweetness then maya was lashing out and cheating and it was like. wait a minute! what??? 

for s4, i want to see them working at reconciling—im talking, groveling, awkward in-between moments where carina isnt sure she can trust her. okay, tough conversations, hell, even jealousy because let's be real. maya working with jack is a lot for carina to just. take? i know i absolutely would not be happy about that, but i also wouldnt take maya back so... anyway! brushing over that would not just be a missed storytelling opportunity, but it would also be super unfair to carina and do a huge disservice to their relationship as a whole. as cute as they are, having cute moments with no real depth would get very old, very quickly.

carina: what can i say but-perfect, amazing, fantastic, WOW

seriously, carina is almost unrealistically perfect. she takes a lot and has been through the most (can they be nice 2 her this season? like just for fun) going forward, im going to need her to be more than a plot device to calm and soothe maya. i get that she was introduced as a love interest, but in season 4(as a season!!regular!!) that cant be all she is.

speaking of, it was really weird to me that she was promoted to station 19 and not greys because... what is a gynecologist going to do at a fire station? the general consensus seems to be that she’ll join warren’s PRT but like. she’s not a general surgeon so that’s a reach but, i want her around so ill buy it. i just want better and more for her tbh. not just screen-time, but also character development and depth! also friends! tired of carina being isolated, they did it on greys which. a waste! i meaaan, amelia was RIGHT. THERE. just look at the material! for s19, i want her, vic and travis to be friends or even just her and vic, like yesplease! i also want to know more about her and im tired of her being treated badly. like, i think society had progressed past carina being shitted on, thanks!

vic: my fave!!! they did so lazy by her this season ugh. she’s so charismatic and charming and just so good!! yet, her storyline was all over the place. we hardly got to see her sit with her grief  (spontaneous crying aside; barrett doss is so good!) she was just kind of... around. and that relationship w jackson. lol. it was so obviously for crossover potential and well. i didnt hate it or like it. actually, i was mostly indifferent. bored, even when they were onscreen together. i just didn't care and wanted more of vic, not vic and whoever. i know they're up in the air rn but i wouldn’t be torn up if he doesn’t come back. 

i want more for vic past just romantic entanglements. i know we’ve gotten a bit of her past, but i would like to see more! also, what about employment accomplishments? her artsy theatre friends? her family? just. more vic, please!!

she’s so fun and cool and when they let her, she shines. they need to let her! 

jack: my boy! so dumb, but i love him sm. he def needs like. major help, though lmao. and maybe it’s just me but im tired of his sex addict plot. like, we get it, but can we move on now? kthanks. they need to let him work on himself especially, the constant self sabotage. it's getting old. for ALL of them, actually, seriously, how many times can they all get in their own way.

andy: don’t really think about her. the mom storyline seems like it would be wonderfully dramatic, im intrigued. she and sullivan are cute, i guess. hope they make it.

ben: no major issues w his storyline, hardly remember it honestly. i liked the rapport he was building w vic and want them to explore that relationship more, its cute. 

travis: so funny and adorable, let him do more.

dean: loved him in all his entitled first born African son glory. i didnt so much love the baby plot but that always bores me. his sudden love for vic though. lol. since when? it def, came out of no where and while i really enjoy their friendship, to me, there is zero romantic chemistry there so i would prefer it if they just. stopped. lmao. also. the way he treated her because he could get a handle on his emotions? ridiculous. has humanity not like, gotten past the ‘he’s mean bc he likes you’ thing?? like grow up maybe?

and this isnt just about dean but like. are there not more single young people in seattle? why do they all have to sleep with the same 5 people. ik for the sake of plot, workplace relationships are easier but still. i think they should branch out. really. 

overall, i want better for all of them, and i think if the writers would just. take a moment and stop trying to tell so many stories in such little time, they could do better! also, whoever’s out there. please, enough w the crossovers! dont want to be forced to watch greys just to know what’s happening on 19. i get that they're in the same universe. it’s only mentioned every other episode. we. get, it. i liked what they did with private practice, it was like once every few seasons. and i know they won’t do that, but maybe, two a season. 

this is so much. but this how does have a ton of potential and i just really want it . like, get there.

[tanakax123]

*Not Just friends* part 1???

~Manger Fem reader x Oikawa 

~summary: You are the manager of the Aobajohsai High volleyball team. really close friends with Oikawa, so you know he has a lot of girls going after him. He rarely dates them however when he gets a new girlfriend she does not sit well with you. Will oikawa pick her or you?? 

~ warnings: uhhh idk but hes kind of mean at some point, bad words, bullying?

~ A/N: i suck at writing and im trying to get better so yes. Hahaha so enjoy this trashy story lol. 

     Being friends with Oikawa Toru is one of the most difficult things that anyone could ever imagine. However you manage just fine, well not really because he was cute but not the point. All these girls keep trying to fight you since you are one of his closest friends. However it has never bothered you and even if it did Oikawa made sure that they knew where they stand, which just made your heart race really fast. Which is why the amount of bullying from the girls settled down. 

     One day you were on your way to volleyball practice when you bumped into Iwaizumi. “Hello Y/N, im so sorry are you okay”. You looked up at him with a smile and just shook your head. “Its okay Iwa, are you on your way to practice? lets walk together”. he just smiled at you and then started walking towards the gym. 

On your way there you guys were just talking about a new movie that had just come out. When you guys started to get closer to the gym you heard two people talking and one of the voices sounded really familiar. You grab your friend and pull him to the wall. “whats wrong Y/N?” you look at him and put a finger over his mouth. You then point outside where he notices Oikawa talking to a female student. Both of you look at eachother, nod, and start to listen to the conversation. 

“Oikawa...I... I really like you. P-Please accept my feelings” said the girl. 

Your turn to look at Iwazumi suprised. You looked at him and you realize he notices the same thing as you. 

...Oikawa was blushing. 

At this moment you kind of felt a bit jealous. You have never seen Oikawa blush this much. And for a girl? never. Only for volleyball but I think everyone has seen that.

Then Oikawa gave his answer. “I accept them” and he smiles “I like you too.” He then tilts his head to give her a kiss. you rapidly turn around and hug Iwaizumi trying to hide the tears in your face. You have had a crush on your bestfriend for so long but he never noticed you so you just kept being his friend. Iwaizumi being the amazing friend he is already knew that you had a crush on Oikawa so he just hugged you back rubbing circles on your back. “It is going to be okay Y/N” he assured you. However, you were not so sure. 

Once you calmed down you and Iwa walked to the gym together. You felt bad since you caused iwa to be late to practice. “Dont worry about it, your emotional state is important to me too” he smiles at you and leaves to go get changed. You then enter the gym and notice Oikawa is running towards you

“Y/N, I have newsssssss!!!”. You take a deep breath and put on a smile. You can not let your feelings get in the way of being happy for your best friend. “Yes Toru?” (since you guys became best friends he insisted on you calling him by his first name, and since then you have never called him by his last name) he had one of the biggest smiles. you tried so hard not let tears fall. 

“I have a....girlfriend!!!!” 

You stopped smiling but he didnt notice. You smiled once again “Thats awesome Toru”. He grabbed your arm and tried to pull you in for a hug, however you stopped him. “If you have a girlfriend you probably should not be hugging other girls” you teased. He gave you a confused look “but you are my best friend, you dont like me like that so its okay, besides she knows we are close friends” you look up at him and laugh nervously “haha right” you give him a hug and tell him to go back to practice. What you both didnt know is that his girlfriend was standing outside looking through a window. 

she really did not like you. 

but we dont like her either so bleh

After about a month of them dating Oikawa has been hanging out with you less and less. It was only natural right? he got a girlfriend and he is spending most of his time with her. However it was NOT natural. He basically only talked to you like once every two days. Not even at volleyball practice. 

pathetic.

After a volleyball practice, you notice Oikawa starting to walk up to you. You look at him but then turn away to start cleaning up since it was time to go home. “hey Y/N...” you just nodded your head but did not say anything. he frowned “...im really sorry”. you knew why he was apologizing so thats when you looked up. There he was looking really upset. how could you not accept that apology. “ohh~ is the great Toru really apologizing... to me?!~” you tease. He then looked at you with wide eyes, immediately replaced with teasing ones. “you know what i take my apology back~” you start to laugh. he then tries to reach for your hand to pull you into a hug but once you see this you pull your hand away. “we should finish cleaning” you smile awkwardly then start walking away towards Iwaizumi. the entire team saw you guys, they knew something was not right but they decided not to say anything. “Are you okay Y/N?” Iwaizumi asked. you smile at him “of course”. Oikawa saw this interaction, he was not jealous of course he was hehe but he didnt know why he felt so uneasy.

Once you were done cleaning you were the last one there because the coach had to talk to you about the next practice game that was going to be in a week. When you started to lock the gym you heard footsteps behind you. you turn around and there she was. that bitch... i mean Oikawas girlfriend. 

“hey y/n we have to talk”. you just looked at her ‘why the hell is she here at this time of night’ however you just nodded your head signaling for her to start talking. “look y/n, im going to get straight to the point, i dont like you..” ‘ wow i am sooo suprised’ you thought “...you are annoying and always getting in the way. I love Oikawa so im going to do what is best for him” she stayed silent for a while. but what she said next you were not ready for. 

“You need to stop being friends with Oikawa” 

Your eyes widen and you swear you stopped breathing. what the actual fuck does this bitch think she is saying. stop being friends with Oikawa? why? why does she hate you so much to do this? of course you were not just going to let her push you around. 

“What the fuck did you just say to me” 

“you heard me”

“im sorry but i am not going to be doing that. Not unless he asks me himself, but since you swear you know him so well then you know that he wont be doing that so please stop this before you regret it”

and then before you knew it you were on the ground. she fucking punched you. ‘shit she is strong’ “You better do as i say before you lose Oikawa in the way that he wont even look at you” she then started walking away “watch yourself” and all you hear is her footsteps as you are staring at the ground. 

You dont know how long you were staring at the floor, until you heard a voice “Y/N!! are you okay??” then they started shaking your shoulders. You looked up and you see Iwa. “I thought you went home” you say. He then gave you a little side smile “and leave you to walk alone? what kind of friend would i be?” He then helped you get up and started to walk you home. 

On your way home Iwa asked you if you wanted to talk about it. He explained to you that he had seen the entire thing unfold. How she told you she didnt like you, how she told you to stop talking to Oikawa and how she punched you. You then turn to look at him with tears in your eyes. He looks at you with so much worry, so all he can think to do is hug you. The second his arms wrap around you all the tears you have been holding in just came out. You just kept crying and crying till you physically couldnt anymore. 

“it will be okay y/n. trust me”

the next day you went to school like nothing happened. 

and the next day as well.

and the next.

It was all forgotten about really, until oikawa asked you the one thing you didnt want to hear.

“Hey y/n! i think its time to introduce you to my girlfriend!” he shouted across the entire court during practice. everyone kind of just froze, especially Iwaizumi. Your glared at Oikawa “no thanks” you were mad. he hasnt talked to you in a while and thats the one thing he says to you? really? he started to jog towards you “come on y/n...you dont even know her. she is a nice person!” he tried reaching out for your arm but you swatted his hand away. 

“i said no Oikawa” 

His eyes looked hurt. You just called him by his last name. You never did that. Then it was his turn to be angry. “Why not y/n. You are being unfair” and just as you were about to say something Oikawa’s girlfriend opened the gym doors. ‘speak of the devil’ you thought. you turn to look at Oikawa who looked really angry “we will talk about this later y/n” he said as he started to walk towards his girlfriend. You rolled your eyes and scoffed. 

“yeah right more like in the next 10 years” the volleyball team snickered except Iwaizumi. He knew what was about to go down so he was ready to interfere if necessary. This was when Oikawa snapped. 

“what the fuck if your problem”

you scoffed again. “whats my problem?” you started to laugh. “You really want to know?? Fine. I will tell you. YOU OIKAWA! you are my problem.” then you rolled you eyes “of course your little princess as well” you then turn to his girlfriend and bow down as if she was an actual princess. 

“I am your problem?!  the fuck did i do?! and dont be rude to my girlfriend. she hasnt done anything to you” 

“Thats the problem oikawa! you didnt do anything!! you stopped talking to me and dont even give me five minutes of your time! its like my fucking feelings dont matter to you! oh and by the way your little “princess” has done something to me” you then turn to her and say “you want to tell him sweetheart or should I” all while glaring at her. 

She then started to cry telling Oikawa that she would never do anything to you and that you were lying. “y/n stop telling lies. she wouldn't do anything to you” oikawa said. 

You looked at him. tears in your eyes. Hoping that he could see that you felt hurt and betrayed. “are you seriously going to believe her over me?! your best friend!?” Oikawa then looks between you and his girlfriend. 

“Yes. I am. shes my girlfriend.” 

You stood there. You couldn't even cry. so instead you laughed. you couldnt stop. Your laughter just made the rest of the team cringe. they could hear you were hurt. “y/n...?” you hear Iwaizumi say. Then you stopped laughing. looked straight at Oikawa. Then let the tears roll down your face. 

“Fine.” you started to gather up your things then put your bag over your shoulder. You started to walk towards the exit. Once you were standing next to oikawa you stopped. 

“Goodbye Oikawa”

and with that you left. 

years of friendship and memories gone.

continue??????

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If you got to here hiiiiiii. Thank you for reading this!! i know it wasnt all that great but should i do a part 2??? there is more to the story in my head but im not sure if i should continue or let the reader suffer hehehe. please let me know!! 

[aspiestvmusings]

ZEP: S1 - MAX & ZOEY TIMELINE

This is part of my ZEP: S1 Thoughts Master Post

Here’s the new & updated long analysis post for ZEP S1. This one features the whole season, all 12 episodes.

Just me...dissecting & analyzing the storyline...with focus on Zoey & Team Max. But since the stories are so intertwined, there’s Zoey/dad & Zoey/Simon talk, too. Among other things...relevant to it all...

ZEP: MAX & ZOEY -  THOUGHTS 1 [LINK HERE]  

Zoey/Max Timeline

Yes, unless Max knows something we don’t know about Zoey (that she, just like her dad, actually, secretly loves big gestures and moments) his choice for how he professed his love seems to be wrong way to declare his love for this specific lady. Because according to what we know Zoey is not into music (but then again…the use of a flash mob was a plot twist device by the writers… who just decided to use that surprise for Max/Zoey, when it could’ve been any other character… but this was simply done so that the show could mess with Zoey’s powers and give her character “oh, this isn’t in my head, this is real” moment.) But… that’s just a possible bad choice by the character, not anything horrible. And that’s the way he knows how to say it, even if a small, personal, reveal seems more Zoeys style.

But… are we actually correct in assuming this? After the flashmob she never once mentioned anything about it being “too much of a public declaration for her taste”. She even called it “an amazing gesture”, which tells us that while she might be uncomfortable with “big moments” in general (public speaking…), she is comfortable with them with people she’s closed to (her dad, her best friend…) And we saw her talk about it with Max & with Mo. Her only worry was related to him telling her, in reality (not just in her mind…via heart song) that he has feelings for her. She has not shown any worry regarding it being done via “grand gesture”. So… is it possible that it actually isn’t so “not her” as we assume?

Just as perhaps Max from 1x09 is not as “passive” and “not interested in promotion” as Max from 1x01? Perhaps time & peer reviews, and everything else…has changed him? And he’s actually interested in climbing the career ladder.,.. as opposed to the Max in the Pilot, who told Zoey that he does not want any of that…

Maybe Zoey is her fathers daughter, and actually (secretly) loves big moments & grand gestures? Because her dad is all about “big moments”. And maybe it’s actually really appropriate for Max to tell Zoey about his feelings this way, in “big moments/grand gesture” style flash mob? To honor her dad…in a way. Cause Mitch loves these kind of moments & Mitch is No 1 in Zoey’s life, so…  maybe we’re all wrong in assuming it was “not Zoey’s style”? Everything on the show so far points to this - there’s no indication that she didn’t like the “big gesture”. The only reason why it “freaked her out” is because of her superpower...which he had no knowledge of at that time/moment.

We saw the events through Zoey’s eyes & her POV on what’s going on with/between her & her bff.

From Max’s POV this is what’s going on with Zoey/his relationship with Zoey:

She ends their regular movie nights…with no explanation. Something that they’ve done…forever…since they are best friends. (He probably thinks it’s because of her dad’s health and that she’s focused on..that… after her promotion he even asks if her “weidness” is because of “her dad” and/or her now being his boss)

She starts acting strangely…around him, and general…and she doesn’t talk to him anymore (it’s been implied that they’re BFF and talk about everything… but she hasn’t told him what’s up with her). He wonders if it’s because of her dad’s health and everything related to it (but he doesn’t know if its only because of that, or if there’s something more/else, too)

He has feelings for her, but he doesn’t tell her (she only finds out cause she can hear his heart songs). Finding out that her BF has deeper feelings for her freaks her out, even though he himself does not pressure her or anything like that..yet. She is the one who assumes their “discussion” at work is presumed as “lovers quarrel” & she is the one who presumes that “is it a date” means he considers a meal together as date…when all he means is “are you free to go” (to the new place which they both wanted to go to..as friends) Up until the flash mob there is zero “pushing” from him.

He only sings love songs to her when he’s single - during the time he’s dating someone else (Autumn) he stops singing to her, because he’s not a cheater. When he’s with someone, he’s with that someone, and devoted to that person..only. So he stops for a while.

He sees & hears her say that the thing she had for/with Simon is over (1x06) & that she’s not doing any of that anymore. Since she doesn’t talk about any of it with him, this is all he knows so he assumes she meant it, and she’s done chasing the engaged man. This is also probably the only inside info she has on the whole Z/S situation - what he sees/hears during the “burnt roses” moment. (So… it is not a nice surprise when he learns in 1x08 that after everything her words were not true, cause it’s not all over/done with S…)

Why he doesnt believe her right away when she tells him of her powers: As a rational person he has a hard time believing her claims about superpowers at first. Also… it seems like such a “lie” to change the subject, and simply avoid giving him an honest answer (yes OR no) But after hearing some more facts he starts believing. And by the time she “glitches” he has no doubt that she’s going through all this…

Both Zoey and Max are emotionally challenged. (tbh, just like Max I believed Autumn when she said that all is cool when they broke up during their morning jog. I’m emotionally challenged, too. I honestly did not know that what she said and what she thought/felt were different, so I get why it came as a surprise to him to learn she wasn’t cool about it) The whole Autumn/Max break-up tells us that Max doesn’t get the subtle clues, and needs to hear the words to know the truth. Hence he believes what Zoey tells him… at first.

He misreads her signals in 1x05 - 1x06 - 1x07 (”I need more Max”, reinstating their movie nights, touching his bicep, commenting she needs more Max in her life, checking him out when he’s shirtless, etc), and based on that confesses his love for her via flashmob. What surprises him is not so much that she doesn’t respond with the same, but that she doesn’t give him an answer…at all. (Mo explained it best to Zoey…later; the boy deserved an answer… even if it’s “I don’t know…yet”. Also… we’ve never heard her say that she didn’t appreciate it because it was a big gesture…so she might not be as uncomfortable with the gesture as we think) Instead she runs, and then she avoids giving him an answer, kinda changing the subject, and telling him about her powers. Instead of telling him the truth right away, cause truth might hurt, but it’s better than avoidance/ignoring.

This is shown later in the episode, when after Zoey finally gives him her…messy & selfish answer… he’s hurt, but content. She tells him that the reasons why she isn’t ready to go from friends to more is because her focus has to be on her dad for now & because she’s afraid that “they” won’t work out & she’ll lose her best ftiend…for good… and she can’t risk that… at this time. This is not the answer he hoped for, but as Mo predicted…this is the answer he accepts. That can be seen in the elevator scene with Simon. He’s OK with waiting & this not being the right time (cause she needs to focus on her dad at the moment). He also doesn’t say they’re done, he asks what she asked - pressing pause on their traditional friends activities like movie nights.

During the 1x07 end elevator convo he also learns that the totally engaged man has been “keeping tabs” on Zoey & Z/M. Which concerns him. Cause why is an engaged man looking at other women & paying attention to whom they socialize with (when his focus should only be on his fiancee)? Like Mo, he probably thinks “the guy is a player” after this convo. And again… he, as Zoey’s friend, is not in the wrong, when he thinks he should “protect” her from the morally questionable guy.

Then in the “very next day basically” he learns that she wasn’t completely honest with him. And since she promised 100% honesty to him, he’s hurt that she as his friend isn’t being honest. She sings him a love song (it is possible that she wasn’t aware of her deep feelings for him…but after this she definitely is…100%)…but then tries to take back the honesty and claim that the truth she spoke is not the truth. But what really hurts him is how her “honesty” from their last convo turns out to be a lie (and we know it is, because we’ve seen Zoey tell her mom & Mo about her real feelings, not the cleaned up version she told Max at the end of 1x07) - and he voices why he’s upset. It’s not because she doesn’t return his feelings, it’s because she wasn’t honest with her best friend. Because through her heart songs he knows for a fact that she has feelings for him - that she loves him, too. So he’s not upset that she doesn’t love him back. He even says it during their bathroom convo - the best reason to be “mad” at her is that she told him she loves him/she’s his, when she didnt mean to tell him this (the truth). Meaning: she thinks it’s “unfair” he’s upset that “she sang him a heart song, when she didn’t mean to”… or in other words: she thinks it’s fair to keep the truth a secret from him…and this rigth after she promised 100% honesty to him… and he doesn’t agree with the secret-keeping.

We saw Max’s feelings progression since Pilot: in 1x01 he THINKS he’s in love with her, in 1x02 he’s a SUCKER for her & by 1x07 he fully admits he LOVES her. With Zoey the timeline is..kinda… starting in 1x06… The “500 miles” moment is her “I think I love you” moment & her heart song to him in 1x08 is basically her “I love you” moment.

She claims she isn’t ready for a relationship because she needs to focus on her dad right now, when in reality she really is torn between two men - and she wants Max to be her emotional support and shoulder to lean on (knowing he loves her, and knowing that he knows that she knows he loves her), while she herself is pursuing another man, Simon. An engaged man she’s obsessed with cause she “finds his body hot & has a grief bond with”. (in reality: her role has mostly been being his grief therapist - and she’s not really told him about her dad that much…so it’s pretty much one-sided anyway) But just as she didn’t want to be the other woman, he doesn’t want to be the other man/third wheel… and that’s understandable.

Then when Max gets the job offer he goes to his best friend for support. And while I personally read the scene as him saying “no, that was not the right answer, but it gave me mine (I’m taking the job)” being a response to her asking “was this the right answer?” because this meant she wasn’t still being honest with him, and instead of giving her her true answer she gave him the answer she thought he wanted to hear… I am willing to accept that what the writers meant was that he wanted her to give a more personal answer and/or ask him to stay because he is a valuable member of the team.

Her reply was as his boss, and co-worker/friend. She only focused on their work relationship, not their personal friendship. She’ll miss sitting across from him… not that she’ll miss him outside work (and  yes…it’s only two floors up, and working in different departments does not mean they can’t hang out oustide work…) but still her answer did not include her role as best friend/possible future romantic partner….even when he asked her to specify the “I’m Your’s Zoey’s” answer - she only focused on the work related part when replying…to that.  This gave him the clarity needed - she’s not into him, so he did the right thing & put space between them. Since she didn’t include the “I’m Yours Zoey” that meant to him that she’d choosen Simon…and  just as it’s very human to grieve and cheat…it’s also very human to feel hurt/heartbroken. And he should not have to subject himself to seeing her with someone else (when he knows she has feelings for both) - making the same mistakes over again she’s made before with her relationships. So his choice was the right one…for both. They need time apart, time to grow as individuals, time to reflect…

Yes his speech in 1x10 was directed mostly to her, but he was adressing the whole 4th floor/Team, really. Cause no-one stood up to give him a “good luck” hug when he came to collect his things. And his best friend didn’t even have any encouraging words to him…on the day he moved to the 6th floor…. and even admitted she didn’t get to get him a “good luck gift” (which he could just assume is because she’s busy with her dad, but we know that while she had 4 days to buy that pen/mouse…and didn’t, she managed to get a plant as housewarming gift for the other man in like 4 hours. And we also know that she voiced no concerns about losing her best friend and a good team member at work…while talking to Mo… yet she had lots of things to say about “the man who just broke up, and whom I said I would not chase anymore, but now that he’s been single for 4 seconds, we can make out and it’s not cheating this time anymore”… so she’s showing no signs of caring about his best friends life changes, while caring a lot about the other mans life changes)

So of course he feels underappreciated on the 4th floor. The peer reviews, the boss, the team manager, the job offer… it all plays a part in his decision. And the D*rk Point boss knows exactly what to say…to make him feel appreciated…something he didn’t feel he got on the 6th floor… but he didn’t realize until he heard Ava point out his good work..with the maze, with the chirp pitch…and though he may not realize that Ava, too, has her own agenda, hearing that he is appreciated…as a worker & as a human…made him feel good  (we saw how important positive feedback is for everyone during the peer reviews plot), and he realized he didn’t get any of that, really, on the 4th floor. And once again… while he may have secretly wanted to hear her say “stay”, what he actually really wanted/needed was for her to encourage him, and show genuine happiness for him, and for her to be completely honest with him. And he didn’t feel like that’s something she could be right now. To put it in her own terms: “everyone is so nice & polite, and no one is giving me the raw & honest feedback”…cause her reply to him when asked about the job offer was “polished” & “nice”, not “honest & raw”. (and I think we all agree that her telling him to take it  & him taking it was the right move…for all… cause they both need space & to grow individually)

In the Pilot we learn that Max thinks he’s not management material & he’s not looking for career opportunity. So to Zoey’s knowledge this is not in character for him? So whether or not he’s changed during the time between then & now, to Max’s knowledge she knows that he likes being just a coder. So for her to not know him…and not remember that he’s told her this, could be disappointing. So her reply: That’s a great career opportunity MIGHT tell him that she doesn’t know him and what he wants. (this is the flashmob argument: we, fans, think that a flashmob is “not Zoeys style” & we, fans, think that promotion is “not Max’s style”. We might be wrong, cause we don’t know everything about the characters + they can change…over time…)

Another thing she says to him when he asks advice regarding the job offer is “I would never stop you from going after what you want”. When they both know that what he really wants is her - he’s made it clear. And yet… here she is saying she’d not stop him, when she is “stopping him” from doing just that. And at the same time…as pointed out in the last part… is a promotion what Max really wants? Cause it is not the case for “1x01 Max”…and we & Zoey haven’t been made aware that he’s changed his mind. So… does his best friend not know him? (or does she known him better…and know he’s changed his POV on promotions)

Max & Zoey have been best friends & colleagues…for 5 years…since the first day on the job. From Max’s POV…something changed..suddenly…a few months ago. For a while he didn’t know why and what, but now he knows why.  And just like it took time for Zoey to adjust to her “power”, same applies to Max (adjusting to her powers).

From Max’s POV…his best friend is dishonest with him, she avoids him, she has changed, she comes to him when she needs him… but she herself doesn’t offer anything back (yes, he is aware she’s grieving, and he understands it, but his best friend is not letting her friends help her during the time she needs to lean on family/friends). We have rarely seen her talk to him about anything else than office gossip…or her powers related stuff…recently. And it’s heavily implied they used to talk…all the time… about everything. His best friend also set him up with another woman…just to avoid him after she learned that he has feelings for her. His best friend claims her focus has to be her dad, and she can’t do more than friendship at this time, but at the same time she continues pursing another man. And this after she promised to be 100% honest with him. And she betrayes that trust the “very next day”. So he has every right to be upset, and hurt.

Zoey has every right to be upset about the fact that she thinks Max is “pushing her to have feelings for him” (when they both know… for a fact..after her heart song that she does have feelings for him), but in this case Max has every right to be upset about the fact that he thinks “she is avoiding him”. She has the right to grieve, so does he. If she has the right to be upset that Simon doesn’t return her feelings… then Max has the right to be upset that she doesn’t return his feelings. The same rules have to apply to all, not just main character. And if you look at the storylines closely, you’ll see the parallels… the things that Zoey is upset about (fans are upset about) regarding Simon’s behaviour (when pursuing him) are the same exact things that Max is upset about regarding Zoey (his pursuit of her). The same way that some fans point out Max is “obsessed with Zoey” there’s a parallel story with Zoey is “obsessed with Simon”. All Max wanted from Zoey was what Zoey wanted from Simon - clarity. For her/him to have clarity. And just as she felt the other man didn’t have it, he felt that she didn’t have it.

Because we, the audience, know that Zoey (thinks she has) has feelings for both men - her behaviour in past episodes (especially 1x06 - 1x07) and her heart song confirm that she has feelings for Max, and because he knows her secret, he knows that that’s a fact. So he has every right to be upset that she  “doesn’t like him back/doesn’t want to be with him”, when he knows that she does love him back, while claiming the opposite. And she won’t talk to him about it…

From his POV it is as follows: they both have admitted they love each other. She claims she needs time to deal with her grief and can’t risk their friendship. She tells him she loves him…and the very next minute goes to another mans arms - that’s the part that upsets him. He’s not upset that she’s not returning his feelings/not wanting to date him, nope. He’s “upset” because he, as her best friend who knows her & her past relationships, knows that her thing with the engaged man will not end well for her.  And yes, he is not wrong in saying that in a case when she has feelings for two men it’s a better option to choose the best friend, who has always been there for her (she’s said this herself) than the totally engaged (until just recently) & morally questionable, emotionally unavailable grieving hot guy.                      

While Max choices have been just “mistakes” (perhaps not the best idea to confess your feelings via flash mob to a girl who only listens to podcasts?), then Simon’s choices have been actual “bad decisions” - cheating. And though both Simons & Zoey’s bad choices have been rooted in their grief/depression, they cannot “excuse” it with being a mess due to grief. Instead of continuing the downward spiral they should own their mistakes, acknowledge them as not good choices. It’s one thing to use the wrong gesture to confess your love to somone, and completely another thing to cheat on your fiancee (and blame it on being a mess cause of grief). Those two things should not be comparable.

I can’t believe how some people see Max response to her “no one understand why you got the promotion” (translation: you didn’t deserve it) as harsh. Like her cruel words were “justified” because she’s grieving...or just because…even though she was not right to say them, but his behaviour has been “unacceptable”. Yes, his comments to Zoey are not the friendliest (when he’s telling why he chooses 6th floor over 4th… after the “The Boy is Mine” sing-off, but they are nothing compared to Zoey’s “you don’t deserve this promotion & you are selfish for not being there for me whenever I need something from you”.

We can all see & understand that each character has flaws & makes mistakes & says some things they shouldn’t. But some of these things are “worse” than the others. And his reply to her rude-fuled-by-her-anger-phase-of-grieving comment to him was tame. He was actually quite calm & cool during his response to her (you’re calling me selfish?). And he directed the coded message at Zoey on the 6th floor directly at her because he knows she’s emotionally challenged, so she needed to undrerstand that it was directed at her, too…so she’d start understanding that she hurt him with her words/behaviour too. He wanted her to get that message, cause he had seen that until now she had no idea how her actions/inactions affect him.

He may seem like being “upset” with her… but it’s also understandable, because she kinda broke his heart, and just as she’s allowed to not return his feelings, he’s allowed to feel sad that she doesn’t. To put it in “fairytale terms”. But he’s in no way pressuring her to return his feelings & start a relationship now. All he wants/needs from her is honesty & clarity.

And mostly… when will Zoey finally give Simon the advice he needs - go see a professional therapist! What the man needs is professional help not a mind-reader, who is a mess herself. And is Zoey doesn’t stop keeping it all in and won’t talk to her family/friends about her grief, then she, too, will soon need professional help… (therapist).

Through all of this Max’s there for her:  he supports her when she’s interested in the new guy..(until he finds out the man is taken); he supports her to go after the promotion; he brings her dad… his “closest thing to a dad he’s had” soft food…that he can eat, he goes to support her when she gets a call about her dad’s health & he finds a way to get her to her dad..fast; he saves her “glitch song” and turns it into a pitch for the CEO; he goes to check on her, & gives her her mom’s message..even when he’s hurt by her (and on top of that he gives her good friend advice about her dad). And she does acknowledge this..on several occasions. So…this “social distancing” (physical distance between them during work & off work) is needed to make her/them start to see things from different perspective, and realize some truths… that only distance/change could give them.

There is a real inconsistancy between what she really feels & thinks…and  what she says/acknowledges she feels & thinks.

And it all won’t start moving forward & she won’t start character development until she’ll truly embrace her powers. Cause she still seems to view them as “burden” instead of “helpful tool”. Sure… she has started to realize the good she can do with having this ability (in general Howie/Abigail situation was the first time she really used her ability to really improve the situation & first time she really emphatized...though we could say that in a way the first case was her downstairs neighbour, Bonnie), but until she fully embraces it all, she’ll remain “lost”. The turning point will be actually losing her dad…for real.

There is a lot that I don’t understand 100% about what the show is trying to do… with Max “pushing* Zoey for answers to his confession of love” & his reaction to her answer about whether he should take the job offer…or even why they keep saying there’s a deep bond between Z & S, when all they’ve established is that they talked to each other about losing their dads & are physically attracted to each other. Or even why Zoey says that they kissed, when in reality he kissed her. Or Simon’s behaviour…which I don’t think is ONLY just about not dealing with his grief…and all that.

* I don’t see it as him pushing her or demanding answers or anything like that. But this is the sense many get, hence I used this word

[matoitech]

what are your thoughts on heris as a character? while i know promare tried to redeem her i've always felt like a lot of her actions were irreedemable personally. esp when she overloaded the burnish engine even tho it could've killed like a ton of ppl? sure she tried stopping kray's plans but it could have cost a ton of lives to do so.

my thoughts on heris are.. complicated.. because i agree with you i think pretty much all of her actions are irredeemable, and i think killing more burnish.. to stop killing burnish.. was a really strange and shitty way to go about stopping the parnassus. she never showed she regretted her actions bc the burnish were people who didnt deserve to be literally tortured, she only talked about how she was wrong to trust kray? 

i think she couldve been an interesting character because i feel like they intended for her to be, and i do think its interesting that apparently the only person she gives a shit about in the entire world is her sister and shes willing to go to extreme lengths to save her sister rather than the world, but i ALSO think aina was just her excuse to go play around with human lives.. like yeah she was against it from the beginning but she also gave the go-ahead as one of the head scientists to let the experiments continue and the human-powered engine to run. i dont even know if she was ‘redeemed’ in that trigger was trying to redeem her, because if so thats really shitty since you.. cannot redeem her lmao? shes going to prison for life just like kray. you cant b a lead scientist for smth like this and get off free. ppl who write kray as going to prison but heris as just on house arrest for a while or smth COULD i guess b saying something to further the point about the system being broken by making the decision to let heris off on a light sentence, but they never do, they just dont think heris deserves to be in prison i guess so its not even a consideration to give her as much time as kray? but she definitely does deserve to be in prison.. and i think she knows it! and i think it would be interesting to see how aina reacts to all this. and just saying “oh heris is fine cuz she said sorry” is both an uninteresting interpretation and just super not logical or realistic at all

theres also this implication that kray is a creepy misogynist with how he treats her (which is not an unfair assumption given how horrible of a person he is and the many other ways hes terrible) and ive seen ppl take that to mean she was being manipulated similar to how galo was, but i dont think thats a fair comparison bc 1) when galo found out what was happening with the burnish he immediately tried to put a stop to it, and he was kept in the dark on purpose bc kray knew how he would react. heris was aware of what was happening and didnt stop it or even try to stop it? and frankly, she had a lot less to lose than galo did. 2) the relationship between an employee and her boss vs someone who was manipulated since he was a child and viewed this adult as a parent/family figure are VERY different relationships and the way abuse would function between those relationships is not that comparable. its a take i can understand but im also not sure how much im in2 ppl saying that kray was manipulating her by preying on her fears abt her sisters safety or something, bc thats implying that she didnt have as much of a choice w what she did. and i think she did have a choice regardless of what was happening behind the scenes and she should b held accountable for that. even if she apparently has a complicated relationship with kray i hesitate w focusing too much on it bc it implies that shes simply a victim who couldnt make her own choices.. and like.. whatever happened w that doesnt make her killing ppl ok? 

idk. doing the Right Thing at the end doesnt automatically make for a redemption arc and it isnt justification for why a character should be redeemed. especially when heris apparently didnt actually care about what she was doing. why did she trust kray in the first place i do not understand.. promare not having the time to explain character relationships better definitely hindered some points and this is one of them

[kendrixtermina]

Further reactions to "The book of lost tales":

I appreciate that Idril canonically wears armor and does swordfighting.

I feel like I can actually imagine adult!Idril much better now like in armor and with open hair, distraught but ready to fight while babby Earendil does not yet realize the danger...

My first thought is that Earendil was probably cute in that baby chainmail. My second thought is OUCH, Idril and Tuor always made sure their growing baby had fitting chainmail cause they felt the apocalypse might get them at any moment. Imagine that, imagine them having the baby armor fitted every year or so :(

Its fun how much of the basic structure already exists but most of what you'd consider the main characters doesn't exist or is scattered across various minor roles The only Prince anywhere in sight is Turgon - Except for Team Doriath, theyre all accounted for. I suppose Maeglin is kinda there in name only with vaguely the same role & motivation, but looks personality and background all did a 180 since. Luthien is still pretty much "princesd classic" at this point, not quite the fearless go-getter from the final version - markedly this version tells Beren that she doesnt want to wander in the wilderness with him whereas the final one says she doesnt care and its Beren still wants to get the shiny so as not to ask this of her and also for his honor.

I mean in the finished version Id consider the 3rd and 4th gen royals to be the main characters (well, alobgside Team Doriath and the varioud human heroes) and theyre hardly here. Imagine the silm with no Finrod!

Feanor had no affiliation with the royal family whatsoever, and is also generally less super. He's just the guy who won the jewelsmithing competition, not the inventor of the whole discipline. Still seems to have been envisionad as a respected member of the community who gets called to the palace for crisis meetings and is listened to when he stsrts giving speeches. From the first he already has the backstory of going off the deep end (or at least growing disillusioned with Valinor) after a family member is killed by Melkor and theyre still the first to die, but its just some other rando unrelated to the royals

The situation regarding the humans is different - instead of Melkor leaking their existence, its Manwe who explains that the other continents were supposed to be for them eventually. So Feanor goes off on a tirade about weak puny mortals comes off as a more of a jerk unlike in the final version where Melkor barely knew about the humans and described them to the Noldor as a threat. On the other hand in this one, also very much unlike in the finished product, Melkor dupes even Manwe into being unfair to the elves as a whole. In this the final version is a definite improvement, both Feanor and the Valar come off as a lot more sympathetic and though still deceived he's partially right in some things at least, so you have more of a genuine tragedy rather than a simple feud

There is something to the idea of Commoner!Feanor tho. I guess some of this survived in his nomadic explorer lifestyle and how both his wife and mother (who arent mentioned here) eventually were the ones to get that background of being not especially pretty ladies who are not from the nobility but got renown, respect and acclaim for their unique talent and contribution to society, with each having invented things and Nerdanel also being renowed for her wisdom. Hes sort of an odysseus-like Figure in that sense. I suppose later developements necesitated that Maedhros & co. have an army not just a band of thieves, which means they needed to be nobles/lords. That said this being a society where artisans are very respected and half the lords have scholarly/artistic pursuits going, the gap was probably not as big to begin with as it might have been in say, medieval England. Esoecially since Nerdanel's father had been given special honor by one of the local deities and that the social order might have been a very recent thing in Miriel's time. One might speculate that the first generation of Lords started out as warriors during the great journey, or perhaps just Finwe's friend group.

Also found that bit intetesting where the Valar have to deal with the remaining political tensions and effects of Melkor's lies on the remaining population in Valinor... - i guess with the change of framing device it was less likely for news of something like this to reach Beleriand. That, or the existence of Finarfin and his repentance made this go smoother this over in later cannon

Turgon's go-down-with-the-ship moment reaaly got to me. Im half tempted to write a fic where his wife, siblings and dad glomp him on arrival in Mandos. I dont care that none of them exists yet in this continuity i want Turgon to get hugs

I love all the additional Detail that got compressed out in the shift from fairytale-ish to pseudohistoric style especially all the various Valinor magic insofofar as it is compatible with the final version - particularly love the idea of the connection between the lamps and the trees that is now integrated into my headcanon forever

Its actually explained what the doors of night are

If I had not already read unfinished tales or volumes X to XII where this is also apparent, this is where I would say: Ah so the Valar were supposed to be flawed characters. Manwe has an actual arc; by the time he sends Gandalf he finally "got" it. I think in the published silm the little arcs of Ulmo and Manwe are mostly just lost in compression/ less apparent when only some of the relevant scenes got in but not all

It occurred to me way too late that the "BG" chars are the most consistent because theyre at the start and most stories are written from beginning to end. Finwe doesnt get a dedicated paragraph of explicit description until HoME X but my takeaway was that he's described pretty much like I always imagined him anyways/ same vibe I always got from him... charismatic, thoughtful, enthusiastic, sanguine temperament, brave in a pinch but at times lets his judgement be clouded by personal sentiment (though that last bit is more apparent/salient as a character flaw once he became the father of a certain Problem Child) ...i guess this would be a result of jrrt having had a consistent idea of him in his head for a long time.

This means Finwe's still alive at the time of the exodus which is just fun to see/interesting to know... Interestingly he sort of gets what later would be Finarfin's part of ineffectually telling everxone to please chill and think it over first while Feanor simply shouts louder (which is consistent with his actions before the sword incident in later canon where he initially spoke out against the suspiciozs regarding the Valar) - but its not exactly the same, he's more active than Finarfin later in that when "chillax" availed nothing he said that then at least they should talk with the other Kings and Manwe to leave with their blessing and get help leaving (This seems like it would have been the clusterfuck preventing million dollar suggestion in the universe where Feanor is related to him and values him) but when even that falls on death ears he decides that he "would not be parted from his people" and went to run the preparations. I find it interesting that the motivation is sentiment/attachment (even phrased as "he would not be parted from [his people]" same words/ expression as is later used for the formenos situation), not explicitly obligation as it later is for Fingolfin (who had promised to follow Feanor and didnt want to leave his subjects at the mercy of Feanor's recklessness )

Speaking of problem children. It seems the sons of Feanor were the Kaworu Nagisa of the Silmarillion in that originally all they do is show up at some point and kill Dior as an episodic villain-of-the-week. And then, it seems their role got bigger in each continuity/rewrite... probably has something to do with the Silmarils ending up in the title later making it in the sense their story that ends and begins with them. They have zero characterization beyond "fierce and wild" at this point, though in what teetsy bits there is we already have the idea that Maedhros is the leader and Curufin is the smart one/shemer/sweet-talker, though not the bit where Maedhros (or Maglor, or anyone really) is "the nice one". Which I guess explains why "Maglor" sounds like such a stereotypical villain name.

"The Ruin of Doriath" was purportedly the patchworkiest bit of the finished product, but I never noticed and it actually left quite an impression of me upon first reading, the visual of Melian sitting there with Thingol's corpse in her arms contemplating everything thinking back to how they met... she had the knowledge to warn him not to doom himself but couldnt get him to understand it because he doesnt see the world as she does.... After reading this though I wish there was a 'dynamic' rendition that combined all the best bits like, youd have to adapt it to the later canon's rendition of the dwarves, have Nargothrond exist etc. But i mean that just makes Finrod another dead/doomed relative of Thingol's whom bling cannot truly replace, like Luthien and Turin. In the Silmarillion you could easily read it as just an "honoured guest treatment" but here and in unfinished tales I get the impression that Thingol actually did see Turin as a son.

Already you see the idea of trying to make the stories all interconnected but there is less than there will be (the human heroes aren't related yet and there is basically no Nargothrond, which is later a common thread for many of the stories - a prototype shows up in the 'Tale of Turambar' tho complete with half baked prototypes of Orodreth and Finduillas

O boi im not even through yet

[wolferals]

🌹HIGHSCHOOL SWEETHEARTS🌹

arón piper preference

*

*

-it was your first day of senior year at the new school

-your mom and dad made you move to spain by the beginning of august and its was september when you first set a foot into your new hell

-of course your alarm didnt go off and you were almost late

-you were wearing black jeans with a red tight shirt and a flannel on top

-your hair was up in a messy bun that still looked kinda stylish

-when you walked through the strange looking hallway you got more and more nervous

-what if they would be mean?

-what if they dont speak english?

-what if they hate me because im new?

-you worried a lot

-but you had no choice but to enter the classroom with the number 121

-since it wasnt 9 yet there werent many people and no one even noticed you walking in

-you sat down on a free chair in the back and put your backpack on the floor

-then you started observing

-the girls looked alright, they didn’t look like people that would treat you like shit

-there were two boys laughing and talking in spanish pretty loudly

-and there was this one guy sitting in the opposite corner, hood over his head and his phone in his hands

-from the way he was sitting he seemed bored, maybe tired?

-you could only see a bit of his face though he looked kind of sad

-but maybe he was just tired because it was the first day after summer and all

-after everyone had sat down a very tall woman came in and put her name onto the board

-she looked strict

-then she started talking in spanish and you knew you were fucked

-this was supposed to be english class but they were still speaking spanish

-so you leaned back and looked around and kind of ignored the teacher

-you didn’t understand anyway

-until you heard your name

-„y/n trabaja con arón, no?“

-you raised your hand and spoke:“sorry i don’t understand, what about me?“

-the teacher smiled and answered:“oh right you‘re the new girl. I just said that you will be working with Arón.“

-„work on what?“ you asked confused

-she came up to you and then explained:“We do this every year that the students team up and do a project together. This years topic is „drama“, you could either talk about a dramatic book or movie in general or become creative.“

-you nodded at her and eventually looked around to figure out who this arón is

-„when‘s the project due?“

-she walked back to the front and said:“You got a month“ in a harsh tone suddenly

-after the first 4 classes you were sitting outside looking through the english text book when someone stepped into your view

-you looked up

-„hola.“ the guy with the hood from before stood there

-„hey.“ you answered and he looked around while putting both his hands in his pockets

-„im arón.“ he then said

-you looked at him and replied:“Okay?“

-„yes.“ arón said back

-„ohhh right! Project partner!“

-he nodded and then asked:“Do you want to start today?“

-you nodded as well and answered:“sure, at your place?“

-aron agreed and then gave you his number so you could text about it again

-its been 3 weeks of you two working on the project when you finally had the courage to ask him

-„why do i never see you talking to anyone in our class?“

-he seemed alone all the time

-and you were a little concerned because from what you‘ve seen he‘s a really nice guy with a huge heart

-he was a little shy but could be hilarious and charming occasionally

-you guys were sitting on his desk just finishing some posters

-„i think its because the other boys are better?“

-he looked sad again

-„what why?“ you asked seriously not understanding his statement

-he leaned back, scratched the back of his head and replied:“i dont know, they just dont like me. Im not really attractive i think.“

-you were seriously mad at him now

-why would he think that?

-i mean you werent ready to date him after knowing him for only 3 weeks but you could imagine it after some time

-„you dont think you‘re attractive?“ you asked looking deep into his chocolate eyes, trying to understand what he was thinking

-„no.“ he simply spoke and put on a fake smile

-„oh no, arón.“

-without waiting for a response you hugged him as tight as you could

-it took him a bit to hug back but then he grabbed onto your waist

-„dont say that, ever! You‘re a great guy!“

-he laughed quietly and let go of you again

-„i swear, you‘re cute! And you‘re the only person who was nice enough to talk to me. Well.. you kind of had to because of the project but its been 3 weeks and no one except you showed any interest in me.“

-arón smiled at you and pulled up his sleeves. „you‘re really nice. i like you.“

-„i like you too cabrón.“

-he laughed, showing the gap inbetween his front teeth

-„you learned a spanish word!“ he clapped a little

-„thank you.“ you laughed too and then said „gracias guapo.“

-he grinned and then asked:“do you know what you just said?“

-„no.“ you smiled and leaned back

-aron leaned forward and whispered:“you just called me hot“

-you shrugged your shoulders and just answered:“well.“

-another couple of weeks later you and aron got really close and you spent almost every minute together

-in your breaks he taught you spanish, which you slightly failed but it made him laugh hearing you mispronounce words

-and it made you happy seeing this cute boy laugh

-after class you guys hung out

-either watched a movie, spent some more time with spanish, walking through Luarca or playing video games

-you felt like now you guys were on a level where arón was fully comfortable around you

-he told you about the problems with his parents and then he told you the story why no one talked to him in class

-„it was 2 years ago.“ he spoke taking deep breaths every now and then

-you were sitting in front of him looking at his face while he was telling you the story

-„i was with this girl, her name‘s Ana (sorry if thats your name). I did everything to make her happy but it was never enough. She cheated on me with this soccer player and told everyone that i cheated on her. No one believed her because someone saw her kiss this boy.

But then one day she came to school with scars and black spots and when the teacher asked what happened she said i hit her, which is not true! She cried in front of everyone so they believed her. I was suspended and now everyone in school now thinks im aggressive.“

-he had started crying a little while telling you the story

-„arón no!“ you took him in your arms and gave him a kiss on his soft curls

-„i believe you! You wouldnt hit anyone.“

-aron hugged you tightly and rubbed your back softly

-„te quiero“ he then told you but since your spanish was still bad you didnt know what it meant and just kind of ignored his statement

-the next day in class you told aron to talk to one of his ex best friends and first he didnt want to but you kind of forced him

-when he walked up to him and sat down you could hear this guy getting loud right away

-aron talked to him for a while, more like discussing

-he this guy hit him in the jaw and aron stumbled backwards

-„hijo de puta!“ you heard aron yell at the guy but unfortunately the teacher was right behind him

-„Arón Piper. Oficina del director. Ahora.“

-he gave you a quick glance, grabbed his back and then left the classroom looking hella mad

-„he didnt do anything! He hit him.“ you then basically yelled at the teacher

-„y/n please sit down.“ she spoke and pointed at your seat

-„no its fucking unfair how aron is being treated here. Dont you see how painful it must be to be hated because of a misunderstanding?“

-the teacher had lightly grabbed your arm to calm you down

-„y/n, please.“

-a girl then stood up and said:“arón is an asshole and a loser. Also why do you hang out with him? Like, you could have better.“ she looked at a certain guy in the front row

-you couldnt believe it

-„god you guys suck so bad! Ive known aron for only a month now and i already know that he‘s a better person than you all together! You know why? Because he‘s a real human fucking being. He is nice, caring and sweet and doesnt judge anyone by their looks, whats wrong with you people?“

-„y/n enough! Principals office!“ your teacher yelled back at you making you stomp out full of anger

-at the principals office you found out that aron only got told to be nicer to them

-„what happened to you?“ he asked coming your way in the hallway

-but you were too mad to talk so you walked a little faster

-and grabbed his head

-you kissed him rather roughly in the middle of the hallway

-he was surprised but kissed you back and put his hands on your waist

-your kiss was rough yet passionate and sweet

-you felt like he let it all out

-all thats ever made him upset

-and you just wanted his kisses

-he was the perfect guy for you

-no matter how he saw himself

-he was good looking, smart, talented, sweet and the best spanish teacher you‘d ever imagined

-„arón piper! Y/n y/l/n, you can come back here right away.“

-you pulled away

-the principal was standing in the door staring at both of you

-„puta.“ you whispered, then smiled at him and grabbed his hand to pull him to the principals office

-„here we go again.“

[punchholesinthesky]

I didn't know you could just be a boy

I was listening to a podcast today, about a girl who stood up to her parents at the tender age of four and told them that she was a girl and that she'd chosen a name. I'm in awe of this little girl being so damn sure of herself. I got super emotional listening to it and it got me thinking about my own childhood. It was NPR’s radio ambulante, the episode called “yo nena”.

I knew I was different from a young age but I didnt know how.

I just felt it. And probably cause I visited a lot of doctors and i guess most kids don't do that?

I learned that my brain was different but not the details. I had some vague notion of being adhd. I would not learn it until much later by googling different developmental disorders and learning about being neurodivergent and autistic.

I would later on go on to learn I was queer too, and though I had read the word genderqueer once and thought it fit, I hadn't given it much thought.

I was assigned female at birth, and though I have never liked it, I thought I was stuck with it, that I just had to make the best of it.

I remember wishing to be a boy so many times. Identifiying with male characters, creating ocs and alter-egos, acting the male parts (it was an all-girls school, someone had to), and begging mum to let me cut my hair short, and being so happy when people thought I was a boy.

I never liked traditionally female things, never had a barbie, hated dresses (there's still a photo of a tiny grumpy me being forced into a dress one of my grandmas gave me) and my school uniform was trousers 99% of the time. The other 1% was like official acts, maybe the first and last day of school, stuff like that. I hated it, but at an all-girls catholic school I had much biggers issues that complaining about wearing a skirt a few days out of the year. I remember the gym uniform being a problem. Not sure what the problem was. Something about tights maybe?

I never felt like a girl. But it wasn't something I could properly explain so when I tried to talk about it, with my parents or friends what they usually got out of it was the usual self-steem issues of any girl. Mum tried to help by helping me choose new clothes, telling me how good I looked. And trying to get me to be more feminine, teaching me about 'girly stuff',

But that wasn't it. I understand it better now .

See, it's not that I have self-steem issues about my appearance. I know I'm conventionally good

looking. And if I gave 1/10 of a fuck I can be a very hot girl. I have photos of pasts attempts to prove it. But it never felt right. It never felt like me.

I can put on a bikini and I'm young, thin, fit, I'll look good. But that doesn't mean I'll like what I see in the mirror. I don't feel uncomfortable because I think the person in the mirror looks bad but because I don't know who that is.

I feel exposed. Vulnerable. Bikinis are uncomfortable by design, meant to exploit feminine bodies and for someone who's already uncomfortable having one? A bloody nightmare.

And there's a lot of understand. Why the hell am I being punished for the crime of having a female body by being constantly uncomfortable ? Why are clothes so terrible? Why is so hard to find something basic and decent? Why are bras the worst?? On and on and on. questions I never got the answer to. So much confusion about girl stuff that every other girl i knew seemed capable of navigating.

For a long time I blamed it on me being weird (ie, neurodivergent)

Like, all my friends started caring about boys, parties, romance, alcohol and drugs.

I'd always struggle in school and one year I got literally left behind.

I struggled with depression. I tried hard to fit in and be like them. I tried to be normal, followed their strange rituals. I let my hair grow out, i went on dates with boys, I drank too much and made out with strangers. I got into trouble. I wore a dress to my graduation and invited a boy I'd been talking to.

It was one of the few times I wore a dress voluntarily. Another one was a christmas dinner. And a new year's party. I also wore a skirt to dress up as kate bishop. That's about all I recall. I did buy a dress to cosplay clara oswald but never did it.

I wonder, what if I had told my parents I was a boy and I wanted to be treated like one before? How would they have reacted ?

Laughed it off probably. As they did when I pretended to be a boy for a game as I often did.

I can't imagine them taking it seriously, even now.

I don't know when I found out trans people existed, or who was the first one I heard about.

But I do know I thought it meant you like hated your body or yourself and wanted to be totally different.

And that didnt fit me. I had never hated myself. I hated how the world treated me. I hated arbitrary rules based on gender.

My scout group was mixed-gender, but we were divided in troops and these were single-gender and divided by age.

But we all learned the same things. Whether it was building a fire, tracking, or cooking, we got the same lessons. Sometimes we competed and we slept/bathed separately.

In TECHO it was all mixed-gender. Well, except bathing, but often we'd shared the same bathroom. We slept, cooked, and worked together.

And nobody ever looked down on girls as 'the weaker sex'

That was cool.

My actual education was the opposite. Academically, it is better for a school to be all-girls, at least for girls. But socially, not so much.

As a teenager, I hadn't quite forgotten how much I wanted to be a boy as a kid, but idk I thought I had left it behind me. That what I craved was freedom, independence, the benefits of being a boy, not actually being one.

Later I would discover terms like 'internalized misogyny' and think that was the problem. Cause I liked Lucy and Arya, not Susan and Sansa.

Yet here I stand, years later. Having done a lot  of work. Recognising the value of Susan and Sansa. Appreciating Peggy Carter, in a gay and feminist way, and still not wanting to be a girl.

It just doesn't fit me. It's not a rejection.

I'm a feminist. I think women are great.

I understand there are many ways to be one.

That I don't have to be feminine to be one.

And yet, it just doesn't feel right.

After I learned of what 'gender dysphoria' was I though, 'oh I can't be trans I don't have that'

And then, I learned about 'gender euphoria'

And that finally opened my eyes

Trying to be a girl always felt like an ill-fitting costume, no matter how hard I tried. Like I was playing a part and didn't know my lines.

I remember cutting my hair short, like kstew, and going WOW upon seeing my reflection.. I looked more like myself than I had in ages.

I bought different clothes. Boy's clothes. I'm too small for men's clothes but I can fit just fine in clothes meant for 12 years old boys.

I cut my hair, put on new clothes, bought tight sport bras, and when I looked in the mirror, I wasn't sure who the person staring back was but I really liked how he looked.

My parents, for ages, tried to get me to 'dress nicer' to 'act like a lady' and so on. I cared enough to shower and put on clean clothes. I bought a lot of nerdy shirts which I at least liked. Did some experiments. Occasionally I'd make an effort but otherwise I was pretty basic. Loose-fitting jeans and hoodies.

Family kept gifting me nicer girly things I'd wear once and often ignored later.

It wasn't till I gave myself permission to truly dress how I wanted, and yes to shop in the boy's/men's section that I started to actually care about how I looked and putting more effort in.

I never thought I could be a boy, because I didn't know that was a thing you could do.

if I had been like that little girl and said 'i'm a boy' I think they'd havebeen at a total loss.

would they have asked my shrink? What would he have said?? It felt as though they were always on my case to be more lady-like but I know that's unfair. They were generally pretty okay with me being a tomboy, at least until puberty. And even then it was never that huge a thing. More of a constant annoying issue. There were many more pressing ones.

It's 2019, and I bet most parents would still be at a loss. There's not exactly a lot of rep or info.

I'm a lot happier with how I look now, but I still haven't found the right words to explain myself to my parents. I know I have to eventually, I want to stop hiding, to be visible, to change my name.

[80s-roger]

when love must die: joe mazzello

summary: you're married to joe mazzello for three years; the best three years of your life and the previous three dating and later being engaged. however, since day one of your marriage, you try for a successful pregnancy but they all end up failed. your most successful pregnancy was an IVF one, but the tube baby didn't make it at the last day of the first trimester. 

portray: current joe obv, female reader at 30.

words: 2306

warnings: unprotected sex, fluff, domestic violence experience, argument.

note: there will be part two.

masterlist

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Joe was at the set, he'd be back home soon for dinner. The table was ready and you got yourself a pregnancy test. You ran to the bathroom upstairs to finally find out. Plus or minus? You didn't have your period since the last time you had sex with him -almost two months ago- and you were excited if it was because of a fetus growing inside you.

You took the test, sitting impatiently at the toilet's cap, waiting for the result. You wished it was a plus symbol, meaning you're pregnant. Unfortunately, it had just a horizontal line. You were disappointed again. Crying loudly because your husband wasn't home, so you finally had the time to let it all out. You've been praying days and nights to have a baby. It's unfair for you when other women throw their newborns at the litter.

Suddenly the door opens fastly and you were scared to death. You got relieved as you saw Joe looking at you with terror in his eyes.

"What happened?" He asked terrified sitting next to you, placing you in his big arms.

You didn't say a word. The tears wouldn't stop running. He erased them with his fingers, until he noticed the test next to you. He looked at you without saying a word. He took it at his hand and saw it was negative. He threw it at the bin and pulled you closer, rubbing your back.

"It's going to happen. Don't worry." He whispered.

Thankfully, he was really supportive on this. He wants to be a dad as much as you want to be a mum but he is patient and never stresses you on this. You've seen your doctor and he says it's just your nature. Nature? A woman's nature after unprotected sex, is getting pregnant, having a fetus growing at her uterus for nine months and later having it in her arms, breastfeeding it. You can't try forever. There will be someday, you'll reach menopause.

Joe and you walked at the kitchen, ready to eat your dinner. He places you at your chair but you had no will on eating.

"Baby you gotta eat." He said after taking a bite of his portion.

"I'm not hungry..." You sobbed, placing your dish away from you.

"It's probably too early for the test to know..." He mentioned the test, trying to make you feel better.

"It's been almost two months, not two days." You commented, looking at him. Your dinner stopped. It was just talk.

"I'm trying to help here. I know it's hard, but we'll make it." He placed his palm over your hand.

"It's easier said than done Joe. Do you have any idea how terrible I feel?" You whimpered. "We're trying for three years, we'd have a baby by now." You stuttered.

"It's fine Y/N... I'm patient enough to make space for your emotions." he explained.

"Why are you even married with me? I'm nothing but an obstacle to your new family." You pledged. It was so sad.

"You're my family. What are you talking about?" He sat on his knees, kissing your hands. He proposed to you on one knee. Good memories.

"But you want kids. And we lost the older one. Remember?" You reminded him. His eyes darkened.

"I remember. But that does not prevent me from not being with you. I can't even imagine my life without you." He implied and caressed your cheek.

"I love you Joe." You silently wailed and he leaned closer to you.

"And I love you." He toned. "Listen, how about going upstairs and lay? I'll be there in a few, I have to fix the table." He smiled and you nodded.

You closed the door behind your bedroom, changed to your nighty and laid on the bed, calling your mum.

"Hey mum." You said.

"Hello darling, how are you?" She asked. You didn't reply. "Um.." she started. "You tried again, didnt you?" She knew about your lack of fertility.

"Yes, it was negative." You answered.

"What did he say?"  She somehow didn't really like Joe, but Joe didn't give a shit.

"He's nothing but a supportive and patient husband." You nod your head feeling great for being his wife.

"And what are you going to do now?" She curiously asked.

"Try again, I guess..." You implored.

"But you've seen that sex won't help you get pregnant." she decreed.

"And where are you getting with it? Doing medical procedures in cold laboratories?" You gasped.

"Keep that method, it almost happened. Your husband has money to afford it." she had the nerve to instruct.

"It's not only his money, but mine too. We both work. We'll both raise this baby." You corrected her. "I just called you to let you know it was one more unsuccessful try. You won't know about it by the day you'll see me with a baby in my arms." You elaborated and hang up your phone without hearing her answer.

Five minutes later, Joe came to your bedroom. He took off his clothes and went inside your bathroom, taking a shower. It didn't last long and he was next to you, on his towel, around his waist. He sat next to you when his big palms caressed your stomach. That move made you whimper.

"Don't cry, it'll happen." He really is an optimist person. He wiped off some of your tiny tears ready to escape from your eyes. "I don't know if it's the appropriate time, but do you want us to try again? Or should we go for in vitro fertilization?" He gently asked.

"I don't want IVF, I don't feel comfortable there. Only with you." You disclosed and he came closer to your face kissing you gently.

His big hands caressed you everywhere. You looked so tiny beneath him, however it made you feel important. Your hands kept touching his attractive biceps until he removed the towel around him, staying naked on top of you. With one move, he removed your nighty and massaged your breasts, when his face leaned towards your neck, giving you soft kisses. He finally removed your underwear and trusted inside you. His moans were so deep and his eyes locked in you. Your arms, around his neck and his back, giving small nail scratches.

"I love you Joe." You moaned between the thrusts you received.

"I love you too y/n ..." He softly said when you felt him moving deeper. He knew every inch of your body. Literally. He knew how deep you could take him and how much. "Babe, are you close?" He asked making sure you'd finish too.

"Yes..." You moaned kissing his lips.

"Alright, because I am." he caressed your cheek and his moves were sudden and slow, which means he was done inside you, possibly fertilizing you. You came together and after removing himself from you, he wore his underwear and helped you get your clothes too. He covered you with the layers and hugged you tight.

"I hope this time it's happening." You said at his arms.

"Fingers crossed." He smiled at you.

You were the little spoon tonight; Joe was hugging you from behind and you felt protected. This is how he makes you feel everytime you're together. You're just made for each other.

You woke up in the middle of the night, sweating and frightened of your nightmare. You stood up from your bed crying loudly. Joe next to you grabbed a bottle of water, you always have at your stand, offering it. He gently rubbed your back telling you to calm down, it was just a bad dream, it's not reality. But what if it really is? What if you really are infertile? You were on the edge of going insane. He pulled you closer, playing with your hair so you'd eventually return to your sleep.

The next morning, Joe wasn't next to you. He probably went downstairs, making breakfast. You had to get ready and see him at the kitchen. But you heard speeches coming from there as you walked the stairs so you decided to eavesdrop. There was your younger brother Ben talking with him. That's how you actually met each other. Ben set you up.

"How's things?" Ben asked. You didn't really talk to him about you and Joe but Joe does. They are like best friends.

"Terrible." Joe admitted and Ben looked at him confused. "I mean, I love her but we keep failing on growing our family." He explained and took a sip of his coffee.

"How long have you been trying?" He asked preoccupied.

"Since the wedding night, counting three years." He declared.

"I've heard my mother talking with y/n about it but I didn't really pay attention. However, how do you feel about it?" Ben questioned.

"I can't blame y/n about this, it's happening to many women but I also can't see myself without kids." He opened up to his best friend. You instantly felt heart broken.

"And then what? Will you divorce her because of that? She loves you more than anything Joe." Ben explained.

"I can't divorce her. She's my everything. But I also don't want to keep trying. I want to have babies in this big house as soon as possible. I don't want to age." He shook his head broken hearted.

"You do feel sad about it. Do you have any idea how sadder it is for her? A baby is a bless." Ben protested. You wanted to hear more. They'd stop the conversation if you appeared in the kitchen.

"I'm not pressuring her. When we did the IVF, we were sure it'd happen but it died too. How many possibilities does she have when she gets older? Less than they already are." Joe questioned himself. Ben didn't say a thing.

You decided to get inside the kitchen, pretend like you heard nothing.

"Good morning sis." Ben smiled at you.

"Morning Ben." You neutrally said, faking what you thought before. You couldn't hide your anger at Joe's confession.

"Good morning my love." Joe attempted kissing you but you backed off. Both of them noticed your reaction and stared each other confused. "So um, are you okay?" He checked on you.

"I'm perfect." You lied. You're dying inside.

"Maybe I should get going." Ben felt the tense and had to leave.

"Yes you should. I'll take you to the door." You raised you eyebrow at him.

You were with Ben at the door and Joe eavesdropped without being noticeable.

"The next time you'll talk with Joe about my lack of fertility, I'll murder you." You threatened him.

"You know you can't do it sis." He joked.

"I can't, but I can cut your balls and you'll see who's the weak." You aggressively said to him and he didn't say a word.

"Damn sis, okay." He was defeated and left your home leaving you with your husband.

He came out of the kitchen guilty. But it wasn't his fault. You just wanted to throw your weight somewhere else.

"You heard us?" He silently asked.

"Are you joking? Of course I did. Is that what you talk about with your friends outside?" You angrily argued.

"No! He asked me! Besides he's your brother, he can know about it." he pointed out.

"I don't want him to know! I won't even let my mother know from now!" You attacked.

"Fine! But he's my best friend! I want to talk to someone! Why don't you let me do it? I never pressure you so stop pressuring me!" He shouted leaving you at a staring shock.

"I want you to leave right now Joe." You silently closed your eyes pointing at the door. "And tell everyone we can't have kids because I am infertile." You were so ironic.

"Where will I go? Are you kicking me out of my home?" He concede.

"Yes I do and don't come back. I'm angry." You walked inside the kitchen and he followed you.

"But you'll be over it by evening." He calmly said.

"No I fucking won't!" You threw him a glass and it accidentally fell down at his feet, with some pieces of glass hurting his arms.

"You arrogant bitch!" He yelled coming to your place menacingly. "You want to kill me now or what?" He raised your hand on you and covered yourself with your arms, afraid if he'd hit you. Flashbacks of domestic violence crossed your mind. Your alcoholic father hitting you in every chance he'd get.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, sorry!" You sat down at the floor, crying loudly and hiding yourself, so he wouldn't harm your body but your arms.

After Joe finding out what he was doing he shockingly moved his arms and sat in front of you, getting you inside his arms. He started crying too.

"I am sorry y/n, I didn't mean to do it! I'm just so sad." He whimpered at your neck.

"Please Joe, divorce me. I can't keep making you unhappy." You cried at his chest, avoiding the eye contact.

"I can't do it. I love you, I'm literally attached to you, mentally, emotionally and physically. I just can't." He kissed you. "We'll find some way to fix it. We can do it, I know." He silently cried, hiding his voice cracks.

[baenxietydad]

alpha desperation march aka finding nemo part 7 || mu jun

@moon-yeongjun​

  Word Count: 4521

Date: July 8th, 2020

TL;DR: Mu Jun has my entire heart, brotp: swynlake is better with you in it, damn it

tw: climate change is mentioned, suicide is mentioned

 MARLIN:

 The second the door slammed behind Nemo, Mu-yeol’s eyes that had stung with tears the past several minutes overflowed and with his son gone, he allowed himself the long, pitiful, ugly cry he needed. As much as he wanted to go after Nam-min he wouldn’t do that to him and humiliate him in front of the entire Hollow - as if he didn’t do that daily, by virtue of living.

 He laughed bitterly as he began to run out of tears and once his nose stopped running he reached for his phone to call Jun. Surely Nemo ran off to Tae’s, and he couldn’t exactly call Eun-jung and try to explain to her why Nemo was at her house.

 “Jun?” Mu-yeol said before Jun had even said hello.

 JUN: 

Why the hell was Mu-yeol calling? 

 He was in the back of the store, handling some emails when his phone buzzed. He picked it up and expected one of his many distributors or partners since Jun had made all calls to the store get rerouted to his cell phone-- just in case, eh? He had to be reliable no matter the hour-- 

 And so part of him thought about making it go to silent because he was working, wasn’t he? Tcch, what time was it even…? 

 Ah, after 17:00, he supposed most people (not Jun though) were done working by then. Maybe Mu-yeol was calling on behalf of Nemo about some trip or event… 

 He answered it on the last ring and his hyung’s voice crackled over the line, thick and-- wrong. Jun knew right away.

 He blinked. “Mu-yeol hyung? Is everything alright?” 

 MARLIN:

 Did he sound that bad? He must,  it felt like he cried until he’d cried all he could for the rest of his life. He wiped the last of the wetness from his eyes and cheeks and cleared his throat. 

 “Is...my son isn’t with Tae right now...is he?”

 JUN: 

Ah, not again. 

 Jun flashed back to just a few months ago to when he’d gotten a call just like this one. Well, actually he’d gotten some texts and then he’d had to text Tae and caught him in a lie. Jun huffed and rubbed at his temple. That huff was not toward Mu-yeol of course. If anyone, it was against Nemo, who was a real piece of work, wasn’t he? So dramatic! Flying off the handle-- no fairy pun intended!  

“I ah, I don’t know, I’m-- I’m at the store right now, hyung. I can call Tae-yah? Did you get into another fight?” 

 MARLIN:

 “Um…” he trailed off and cleared his throat again. “Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

 And that’s when you knew it was bad. When he swore in English. 

 “No it’s okay. I think he’s smarter than to go there this time. Don’t worry about it, I’ll...figure it out.”

 JUN: 

Jun had never heard Mu-yeol like this. 

 He sat up straighter as the concern ballooned larger than before. There must have been a fight, but why was this so different from last time? How long had Nemo already been gone before his appa had decided to call Jun? Was the boy in danger? 

 Jun stopped this train of thought himself because he didnt know all the facts. The only things he did know where-- 1. Nemo was missing and 2. Mu-yeol needed help. More than one type of help. 

 “Hyung, hyung, it’s okay,” Jun repeated. “Please, let me help you, eh? Tell me what happened. We’ll find Nam-min together.” 

 MARLIN:

 “No, it’s not, it's not, he said he hated me and that he may as well be dead to me too now, and it’s all my fault. I know I’m in the wrong here, I know — and he wasn’t supposed to — fuck, fuck.” He paced back and forth, or rather, his wings flit behind him as he hovered from one end of their house to the other, and repeat. 

 “No, I. If he’s not with Tae, I think I know where he went. I’ll ask Olaf and it should be fine. He’s safe if he’s with Olaf and Sindri.”

 JUN: Jun had no clue who Olaf and Sindri were. Frankly, he didn’t care less.

 What he cared about was Mu-yeol and, yes, Nemo. Whatever happened--it didn’t matter who was right and who was wrong. He had to keep Mu-yeol calm and learn the facts as quickly as possible. And right now, not even Mu-yeol knew all those facts. 

 “Let me call Tae-yah first,” said Jun gently and calmly. “He could be at my house. You know how those boys are, eh? Even if he isn’t, he could’ve heard from Nemo. And we can go from there, eh? Why don’t you meet me at the Moon Market? By the time you get here, I’ll have more answers for you.” 

 And Mu-yeol, by the sound of it, shouldn’t be alone right now.

 MARLIN:

 He should be alone, actually. Deserved to be. Forever, in fact! His son was right to not want anything to do with him and he would have been right even before this. 

 Yeah. 

 This was just what he deserved. 

 But he agreed anyway, to meet Jun at the store, and thanked him for his help. 

 “Hi.” He said quietly, when he got to the store, unconsciously wringing his hands together. 

 JUN: Jun did as he said he would and called Tae, and he badgered his brother until he could confirm that Nemo wasn’t there and hadn’t contacted him either. He double-checked with Eomma just to be absolutely positive, though he did not want to worry her. Naturally, he did anyway. But this might be a situation for worry. There was always a time and place; a missing 16-year-old sparrow boy plus a distraught, unstable father felt like one of those times.

 He made Tae promise to let him know right away if Nemo did reach out. 

 All this did not take a long time. Maybe ten minutes of phone calls. Then, Jun could only wait for his hyung while his own concern grew and grew. If only Mu-yeol had told him what happened. It had to be some fairy thing maybe… or maybe just...so bad to truly humiliate him. 

 What could do such a thing? 

 When Mu-yeol arrived, Jun ushered him quickly into the back of the store. “Come, come,” he said. “Sit.” He gestured to the chair by the desk where the ancient Moon Market computer sat. “Do you need something to drink? We have-- well, everything. Here, hyung, let me get you a beer.” He clasped Mu-yeol’s arm fondly.

 MARLIN:

 He almost declined but good god a beer sounded good. A beer on the house, huh? Damn. Jun was worried. He had to calm down before he gave Jun a heart attack. 

 “Thank you.” He said when Jun brought him the beer, twisting off the cap with his hand. “I — god. I’m sorry to drag you into this Jun, this is. Very personal family shit.”

 Of course, he’d been by Jun’s father’s side hours before he died. It doesn’t get more personal than that. Jun, whether he liked it or not, was family now. 

 “Your mother isn’t around is she?” And when Jun shook his head no Mu-yeol nodded. “Good.”

 JUN: Very personal family shit, huh? Jun normally would not press-- should not press. But his eyes lingered on Mu-yeol’s face. He was a handsome man, looking much younger than his actual years which Jun assumed was another one of those unfair fairy things. But right now, he looked very old and very tired, as if the light was being drained from him. 

 Could Jun truly be the support Mu-yeol needed without knowing more? 

 He opened a beer for himself, mostly to show solidarity. It was never good to drink alone, even if someone else was in the room with you. “Don’t apologize. You would do the same if Tae-- or even any of my sisters-- disappeared. We have to help each other.” Jun shrugged. “If it’s...is it some sort of fairy thing then? Because I know you worry about my eomma, but-- I’ll make sure to tell her only what she needs to know. She can still be of help. She wants to, hyung. She has great affection for you too.” 

 MARLIN:

 He only smiled thinly at Jun’s comment about his mother and shook his head. “Not to sound like the bloodiest character in a teen drama, but she wouldn’t if she knew. The fairy thing is the least of my concern, even.”

 Eun-jung would be surprised, sure, but he didn’t genuinely think she’d go full pitchfork on him. Her sympathy would surely run out if she knew why Nemo ran away. Jun’s probably would too. 

 “It’s not a...fairy thing, not really anyway. It’s more of a me being awful thing. A liar, the worst, take your pick.” He took another sip from the beer and sighed, running his hand through his hair. 

 “I don’t know where to begin, Jun. I guess...Nemo found some things. A lot of things. That I’d hidden about my life in Korea, and that I...didn’t so much lie as I omitted about certain parts of my life and his mother’s. And he’s rightfully furious.”

 A beat.  

 “Would you believe if I told you my wife was a Ph.D student when she died?”

 JUN:

Mu-yeol probably wasn’t the worst. 

 Jun could not know. But by the sound of it, he did what most parents did-- lied to their child, for the sake of their child. There was nothing inherently bad about such lies. Children didn’t need to know everything at once and certainly not things that could hurt them. It was part of being a parent’s job, recognizing those things. Was Mu-yeol’s judgment on such things maybe more lacking than others…? 

 How could Jun say? He wasn’t a parent, even if some days he felt like it. Okay, most days. It wasn’t Jun’s positive to judge. 

 As for the next thing his hyung said… Jun raised his eyebrows. “Sure-- well, maybe, depending on what kind of Ph.D. I can’t imagine she was getting a medical license.” Such things had to be forbidden in South Korea too, eh? Stil, fairies could go to uni all they wanted.

 “But then, you’ve barely told me anything about your late wife at all. I assume you told Nemo something different?”  

 MARLIN:

 “Climate science.” Mu-yeol said. “She wanted to save the world all of you are still in denial is in crisis. So-yeon was too naive to realize the world doesn’t want to be saved. Humans...you don’t want to put in the effort.”

 He fell silent as he tried — and failed — to sort out how to start the whole story in his head. 

 “It wasn’t that I told him something different, it's that I never told him anything to begin with. I didn’t tell him that we lived in Seoul. Human Seoul, not a Hollow there, in the city. We lived in a terrible basement apartment. Like the Kim family in Parasite. It was all we could afford.”

 “I worked two jobs and sometimes three to put her through university. I knew I should have burned all of those pictures. Her Harvard acceptance letter.”

 JUN:

His lips pursed as he listened, waiting for the understanding to arrive. But it never truly came. Jun was as puzzled as he had been since this first phone call. Why was Nemo so upset to find out his eomma had a life of her own, eh? Actually, what was so bad about all this that Mu-yeol didn’t tell his son to begin with? 

 He wanted to just let his hyung talk and maybe these reasons would still reveal themselves, but Jun still half suspected it was a fairy thing, whether Mu-yeol thought it was or not. Some weird cultural barrier? 

 “I don’t get it,” he said honestly then. “Why would he get so upset finding these things? He lives a very human life now himself.” He wasn’t sure if Mu-yeol even wanted to hear that, with the way he could talk about humans, but wasn’t it true? “You know, all the, ah-- human dance and human school.”

 MARLIN:

 “He’s upset I never told him.” Mu-yeol explained. “And that I used to live among humans when, for his entire life I made him cover his ears when we went to town. I made him lie to Tae about being a fairy. I taught him that humans, as a whole, can’t be trusted.”

 He took another sip of beer and then said, “And it’s true. Just because some humans like you are good...it doesn’t change what happened to my family. The Korean police just shrugged off my wife’s murder. It was just a fairy, no need to find who did it, the less of them the better, right? Never mind she was four months pregnant and still dedicating so much time and energy to saving a planet humans are killing.”

 Mu-yeol laughed mirthlessly and shook his head. His son’s human obsession? That was his fault too. He should have made Nemo just dance with the performing talents. Kept him in the Hollow. Letting him go to town for dance was his second big mistake. 

 “I only let him go to dance in the human world because…” he trailed off. Why was he hesitating explaining Nemo’s wing? Jun was family. Yeah, Nemo wouldn’t want him to know but it wasn’t like most disabled people had the privilege of being able to just ignore it. 

 Plenty of parents talked about their kid’s challenges with their friends. It wasn’t outing Nemo.

 “Nam-min was - is - bullied a lot by fairies his age. Even adults in his Talent look at him like a factory mistake. Like a waste. He was born too early and one of his wings never developed properly so it’s smaller than the others. He loved to dance so I decided to go back to working in the human world even though I was - am - terrified so I could afford dance class for him. I wanted to give him somewhere he wasn’t looked at sideways for his disability.”

 A beat. “He’s upset I lied. About my past exposure to humans, about living in the human world. He’ll never forgive me, Jun.”

 JUN:

This was a lot of information. 

 Jun listened to it all, drinking his beer quietly and not reacting on the outside. He could do that when he focused. Normally he simply didn’t bother to hide what he thought from the world, because the world didn’t matter. But Mu-yeol mattered. For him, Jun would make an effort...to understand. 

 Much of what his hyung revealed Jun did not know how to talk about or react to anyway. Like his wife’s pregnancy. How horrible. How traumatizing. The thought of it made him sick, and so he drank his beer, swallowed his disgust down.

 And as for Nemo’s disability-- completely out of nowhere to Jun. But how could he have ever seen it, eh? He wondered if Tae even knew. Now the whole… strange fairy-test-day breakdown maybe made more sense.

 He could feel pity next to disgust, and he hated that as well, so he drank again. 

 And then they were at the end and still, Jun did not know what to say. Maybe he understood better now but… aiya, he never would, truly. Nemo still seemed to be acting irrationally to him. And Mu-yeol’s fear, while sympathetic and warranted, was ultimately misguided.

 Jun should give no one advice though. Hah. And so Jun tried for comfort instead.

 “I...didn’t know any of that. I’m sorry to hear it. But-- Nemo will forgive you, hyung,” said Jun. He set down his beer on the rickety table where the computer was set up, and he grabbed the extra chair so he could sit down next to Mu-yeol. He reached out and grasped his forearm for a brief moment. “I...I see-- that this is all a shock for him. Maybe his anger is justified, no one likes being lied to but-- he’ll calm down. I know your son, and he’s very sweet and-- cheerful, you know, he’s not someone who will stay angry forever. And I’ve seen you together. He loves you very much,” he said this next part gently.

 Inside, Jun’s own heart panged and he thought of Abeoji. Bah, stupid. Why was he thinking of his dead father? He and Abeoji were nothing like Mu-yeol and Nemo. 

 “Perhaps it’s good he left to get some space, eh? He can...ah… get his head on straight.” 

 MARLIN:

 He shook his head then quietly said, “Of course you didn’t know. I think I’ve only talked about Nemo’s wing with Kanga DeRosa. And I’ve never told anybody about my wife being pregnant; not even the fairy queen knows, it...hurt too much to explain when I first sought refuge in the Enchantra Hollow. Nam-min doesn’t know and if he ever speaks to me again, I’m not sure I’ll tell him either.”

 Mu-yeol bit his lip then smiled sadly before he had another sip of beer. 

 “He doesn’t need to carry the full weight of that tragedy; Appa will take it. That’s what Appas do.” He explained. 

 Jun tried to reassure him that Nemo would come around but he didn’t believe that was possible. Nemo would be right to hate him forever even before discovering his lies, let alone now that they had been literally laid out on the table. What he’d done was inexcusable and he knew that. 

 He may be trash but he was self-aware trash. 

 “You don’t know how well Nam-min can hold a grudge. I’d never seen him this angry. Not when I wouldn’t let him go to school, or when I made him break up with that affront to nature, or when I told him I agreed with Mistral’s assessment that he shouldn’t be allowed to test for fast-flying, or even when he found out I’d been secretly patching Ashlee up for months when her father was hurting her because she didn’t want to expose him and my hatred and distrust for the police kept me from just trying anyway. Jun, Nemo hates me.”

 Mu-yeol sniffed as fresh tears began to fall and he quickly wiped at his eyes. “I t-told him his mother’s parents were dead and he found out they weren’t. They’re dead to me, though. I came here to shield my son from them just as much as I did to protect him from bigotry. They are truly awful fairies who tried to take my son from me, so yeah, I didn’t let them.”

 In hindsight maybe he should have. 

 “They told me that if I had to have lived instead of their daughter, I at least should have had the decency to not botch my suicide.” Mu-yeol said, bringing the beer to his lips and finishing it off. “I didn’t. My younger brother intervened, so first of all get your facts straight. Suicide is...the greatest sin a fairy can commit. The word about my attempt spread fast and the shame it brought on my family pushed me to consider leaving. The efforts to take my baby boy away made it clear that if I wanted to be Nemo’s Appa still, I had to leave Korea and leave the shame attached to Bae Mu-yeol in Korea. But it...it found me. Nemo saw it. In a dream, like he saw you. He’s found out all of my terrible secrets and half truths, after a lifetime of always defending me to the other fairies, like he — like I needed his protection instead of the other way around.”

 Mu-yeol scoffed and shook his head. “When I had to wear the crown of thorns as my punishment for bringing Ashlee to hide in the Hollow, Nemo shooed away anybody that came to gawk. He was loyal to me, defended me, and loved me, and I lied to him.”

 JUN:

Mu-yeol was not making a good case for himself. 

 Jun had always suspected Mu-yeol suffered more than he ever dared to show. But who wasn’t depressed? Who wasn’t anxious? Who didn’t have skeletons in their closet? Jun would be a hypocrite to push for Mu-yeol to talk about these things when in his opinion, they couldn’t be fixed. There were little, temporary treatments like medications and therapy and yada yada, and look, Jun wasn’t against that kind of stuff, he knew that they could work for people, but they weren’t solutions. Personally, Jun thought the best treatment was to just ignore what you could not change. Jun could not change his abeoji’s death. He could not change Tae’s sexuality nor Eomma’s feelings toward it. And so he just ignored it all. 

 When you brought these things up into the light, this was what happened after all-- Jun looking down at the concrete floor, no help to give. 

 He could admit that he’d be pissed at his own abeoji too for those lies. 

 He also wished Mu-yeol never told him that he had once tried to kill himself. And Nemo knew about that? Aiya. That was too dark. That was too much. And even for humans, it was a sin. Very selfish. Jun couldn’t imagine… 

 But despite all of that, wouldn’t Jun still love his abeoji? Of course. They were family. Depression was inevitable, but so was family. Maybe that’s why they so often went hand in hand.

 “I…” Jun started, stopped. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t know what to say. Of course...what you did- maybe it isn’t right.” He lifted his shoulders to his ears. “But you did it because you loved him, eh? He still loves you too. He will forgive you because he is a good son.” And of course it was a son’s duty to forgive their father. Wasn’t it? 

 “Look, if he ends up at my house-- he can stay the night. You’ll know he’s safe. And in the morning, you can come by and talk to him then.” 

 MARLIN:

 “No, he knows from last time you’d just hand him right back to me.” Mu-yeol said. “He wouldn’t chance that now that I think about it.”

 He heaved a sigh and shook his head, resting his chin in his hand. Aiya, this was embarrassing. Jun didn’t ask to be dragged into his family drama. 

 “I only wanted to protect him from the same thing happening to him, and keep him from his mother’s parents who would have only reminded him how wrong he was for being born the way he was, but he’s too angry to believe me even if he’d given me the time to explain. I know I was wrong, I know. But I — I couldn’t lose him too. And I think I will anyway.”

 Mu-yeol groaned and let his head hang low a minute. “I want to go home. Korea home. I’m so tired of…” he gestured vaguely. “This. Not that it would be any different, probably, but at least I wouldn’t have been alone. It’s so hard, Jun, and Nam-min…he doesn’t understand.” Or appreciate how hard he worked to give Nemo what he wanted, how much he sacrificed for him. His son was kind of a brat but it was because he loved him so much and spoiled him.  All of his sacrifices frankly meant nothing now— his lies of omission surely cancelled them out. “I’m sorry to drag you into everything.”

 JUN:

There were times he wanted to go home to Korea too. 

 He still thought about Korea as home. He couldn’t help it. For ten years, he’d only known Boseong even though Eomma told him at least once a week about how it was all temporary. She referred to Swynlake as home. When we join your abeoji...she would say because it was this inevitable thing. But Swynlake was too...small. It was hard to describe. There was just more sky in Boseong. In Swynlake, the clouds hung too low.

 Despite that feeling though, Jun knew that if he were to go back, find his old farm, walk through the same tea fields, he wouldn’t feel at home. It’d be like looking at photographs. There were things you couldn’t ever capture again. Even if the same people were still around, Jun was not the same person himself. He couldn’t be that boy.

 It would be the same for Mu-yeol. Hard to realize though, when homesick for a thing that no longer existed.

 Jun waved another hand. “I keep telling you, eh? No apologies. We’d be involved no matter what, Nam-min is like family. You...you are family.” 

 He couldn’t look Mu-yeol in the eye when he said it. 

 He coughed awkwardly. 

 “Swynlake’s a piece of shit, but it’s better with you here.” 

 MARLIN:

 “Right.” Mu-yeol said, chuckling nervously when Jun again insisted no apologies needed. He wiped at his eyes with the heel of his hand and gave a shaky breath as he bit back another apology for crying still. 

 Jun’s embarrassment at saying something so honest, so vulnerable, was enough to make him forget how embarrassed he was right now. He almost laughed— like genuinely laughed. It was funny how human men were so…emotionally stifled. Sad funny, not haha funny, but it was haha funny that he seemed to be rubbing off on the standoffish Jun Moon. 

 “Yeah?” He said, managing to crack a real albeit small smile. “Tell the Hollow that.” A beat. “Think you’ll come up with a good explanation for your mother so she won’t ask too much? I don’t want to put you in an awkward situation.”

 JUN:

Ah yes, he had said he’d come up with something. That was before he’d heard all of it-- and Jun wasn’t quite sure how he should frame this to Eomma. In the end maybe it wouldn’t matter because, well, Nemo was still a child even if he was 16 now. He should still be with his father. He shouldn’t run away. No matter Marlin’s crimes, unless they were-- abusive-- this would still be true and he was sure that Eomma would see it the same way.

But part of him wondered if all the lies at this point were necessary. Surely, Eomma knew more than he liked to let on. Live and let live, don’t talk about it, etc-- but she wasn’t stupid. Maybe now was the time for Marlin to come clean to his eomma as well. 

 He sighed and drank his beer, kicking back most of it. “I can try,” he said. He didn’t sound very confident. “Maybe it won’t be necessary, eh? Maybe Nemo will surprise you, he’ll come home sooner rather than later, spare us all the need for...more lies.” 

 Just saying it made him feel exhausted. But he said he wouldn’t tell his eomma; he meant it.

 “Don’t worry. We have some time, I’ll make sure to think of something.”