#which i am usually fine to read
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the best part about having blood as a visual trigger is that nobody ever fucking tags it 🤪
#so filtering it only gets rid of the posts talking about blood#which i am usually fine to read#or if someone has ‘blood’ in their username#cause it can only scan the post of the word#for* not of#it can’t scan photos or gifs#yeah 9 out of 10 times it’s fake blood but that doesn’t stop my brain from panicking#my dumbass brain has literally gotten triggered by the blood drop emoji before#userkarson#karson rants#in the tags at least
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hi.
#i know most of you didn’t even realize i was gone#but man…#my mental health was like in a state of 📉📉📉 in the past 30 days like we love being mentally ill and fucking insane <3#it was mostly bc i panicked and started obsessing over possible water damage in my flat kind of out of nowhere#like it started when my landlord came to check my bathroom bc my downstairs neighbours had water stains on their ceiling back in july#which had been caused by their shower curtain apparently but i was already spiraling when my landlord told me so i was sure it was my fault#i was assuming it was bc of me bc i had sometimes been spilling some of my bathwater and i was like WHAT IF IT HAS GONE THROUGH THE FLOOR?#and it didn't help that it has been hot af and very humid in my apartment LIKE WELL OVER 25 DEGREES AND 60% HUMIDITY#anyways i couldn’t shake this not matter what i tried and my fucking insane brain made me think i was going to get arrested for like#flooding the whole building or for causing some sort of mold infestation#i had SO MANY panic attacks; i wasn't able to sleep; i wasn't able to eat; i was on edge and panicky basically 24/7 so fun fun fun :D#and i kept waking up in the middle of the night and HAD to go check my walls or the space below my kitchen#it was compulsory like i couldn't not get up and go check and tbh i would've thrown out all of my furniture if i could've to check for mold#(and shhhh i know how fucking insane this sounds but having a mentally ill brain that's anxious all the time does suck ass sometimes 🥲)#(the worst thing about it tho was that i was SO AWARE of how insane about this i was being and yet i couldn't stop losing my mind over it)#(also i was so ready to move tf outta here bc i couldn't handle being triggered 24/7 which is why my mom let me stay with her last week )#i was so out of it that i couldn't even let myself do the things i usually enjoy... like at all#like watching my shows or spending any ungodly amount of time on tumblr... or replying to messages i got from people who i love#ig this goes to show HOW bad this actually was for me mentally bc usually tumblr and my shows are like my safe place#anyways we finally had a leak detection dude come over today and we had him check the water levels in my walls#and he said everything is fine and he specifically told me i should stop worrying about any water damage BC THERE IS NO WATER DAMAGE#he also said that the weather has just been insanely humid this year so it's not surprising that the humidity levels are higher than usual#i’m still a bit scared about some possible mold but ig this is good enough for now#i am aware how ridiculous this must sound for anyone who's reading this now but couldn't let it go not even with meds so let me live pls :(#TLDR I WAS GOING THROUGH IT BUT I AM BACK I THINK AND I AM MOST LIKELY GOING TO START BOTHERING YOU WITH MY GIFS AGAIN <3#AND I JUST REALIZED I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN ANY OF THE HEART KILLERS STUFF YET ASIDE FROM ONE OR TWO PICS LIKE :(#OH AND I NEED TO START WATCHING SUMMER NIGHT ;_;#sabrina talks#@AIRENYAH GIRL I AM SO SORRY I WILL PROBABLY REPLY TO YOUR MESSAGES LATER TODAY OR TOMORROW MORNING ;_;<3
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Lil warm up doodle because I'd been playing some Thropes and then watched some dubbed DunMeshi and am a Damien Haas enjoyer so. Enjoy a Shez.
#fe warriors three hopes#shez#i usually watch subbed anime but my brain recently hasn't been able to process subtitles + not english#like my brain cannot filter the difference and then i simply get stressed out because i dont know what was said via reading#and its been... bad tbh#so i swapped over to the english audio but still with subtitles and its been fine !#i also really enjoy how damien sounds so excited cause when i would watch him stream#and he would go on a story telling adventure it was so enthusiastic and genuine#and i like how he has that same vibe in the show#that said i have never drawn fanart for dunmeshi and dont wanna start now while i have other art obligations#i can dabble with learning how to draw different characters after i do comms if i feel up to it#but fe is such a default for me its really easy to draw as a doodle/warm up#also im incredibly biased to being fond of damien cause he commissioned me for emotes for twitch#which is incredibly flattering and no other va has bought art from me ? so thank you mr haas for the honors#i also am a shez enjoyer and love the vibes of both shez looks
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there's something very satisfying about finishing a book in one day. this morning i knew nothing about you and now ive lived this whole thing with you. idk. it's interesting.
#was it the best book I've ever read? no. am i a little bit thinking of all the ways it could have been better? maybe#did my jaw drop at the end? sure did!#if it was a movie i would for sure watch it. though i wouldn't say enough happens for it to be a movie#i keep wanting to talk about books but idk. mostly im just here for a good time. and im not ashamed of that but also. idk.#anyway this wasnt so much a good time as it was... i have to know if they get away with this.#would anyone be interested in me talking about books? i dont have anyone irl to talk about them with#my sister occasionally but shes usually so busy she doesn't have time to read#which i totally get#and my childhood best friend doesnt keep in touch like that. so she's out.#and then i have no other friends irl sooooo#this has gone off on a tangent#book was fine#ks talks
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how to write vent post title that does not come off as self-pitying and or accusatory (because it's NOT !)
#sorry tumblr is like a diary to me idk what i'll do w this blog after i (sigh) inevitably move on#either way#im convinced everyone hates me again :3 but realistically no one cares about me even enough to hate me im just stupid and self centred 💔#if anything me TYPING these posts is actuvely turning people against me#again with the assumptions that people care enough to read these 😭 fhskfbhsjfkg#i hate that i care so much what people online think of me cuz irl it's like. whatever#but here there are so many cool people who i admire and would love to be friends with im always hyperparanoid of everything i do#and still i manage to overstep and come off as annoying#like obvs you're allowed to hate me even if you're someone i look up to like that's your perogative#but i hate worrying about IF anyone hates me#oughgh this is easier irl because usually people send off pretty clear signals if they dont like you#but online (esp with how prickly this fandom is) i don't know whether im being insecure and reading into things or whether people just don't#like me (which again is fine i would just rather know if anyone gets it)#i figure art is the one way i can get people to like me 💔 which sounds kinda pathetic because irl i KNOW im liked and capable!#fandom has just become such a big part of my personality that i cant detach my self worth from it#and i do love art and drawing and such i hate that even if i know people my stuff EYE dont and it doesnt mean anything or act as a signifier#of my friendships#wow .... i really am my own therapist ..... i should shut up#the industrial revolution and its consequences (jofandom)#i think these posts are half self exploration half ... almost self harm? because sometimes im so derogatory about myself on purpose in a#'you're worthless' way. but at the same time it's cathartic and i always feel better having probed at my feelings and gotten them in order#not to do a complete 180 but it's MY post and JO LONDON IN *12* DAYS!!!!!!!! AHH i'm sooo excited if it doesnt live up to my expectations i#may cry a little. and there will be another vent post from me !#sometimes i wonder if anyone actually reads these 😭#vee rambles
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OP of that music poll was joking but theres ppl in the notes who Arent and even more ppl in the notes who are like "i dont listen to anything past 2014!!" and thats mostly what i was pointing out as Also Weird. like its FINE. if youre enjoying the music like its literally fine like who give a shit. but it is also a little weird. possibly weirder than the op, who was joking, but im sure she also listens to music weird, bc who is fucking listen to music normal??
#toy txt post#define listening to music normal first. and it will reveal the way in which you listen to music Weird probably#and again: ITS FINE. VALUE NEUTRAL USAGE OF WEIRD HERE#the person in the notes posting 'reading comprehension questions' fair enough until you start asking 'what kinda posts is op usually known#for?' you are asking this as if i am intimately aware of op and recognize her url on sight and know exqctly what kind of post to represent.#all i know about her is that she is trans and got her blog nuked unjustly and remade. that doesnt tell me shit?#anyway. you ppl sending fucking hate anons to her and calling her dude are not weird youre just downright rude. chill#one its rude as fuck and you shouldnt do that to ppl. two youre certainly not going to interest her in your favorite songs#if i made a joke poll like that and got that many notes id stop listening to anything older than 2024 out of spite and hatred#they should really make it so you can turn reblogs on polls off#like if youre worried about ppl editing the contents of the poll to make it look like everyone wants to explode infants or something#just make it so the only part of the post you can edit is to turn reblogs off at least like godddamn#i have Normal Reasons for having this opinion. if you look into them i will explode you with my mind(this is a joke but also. do not bring#up the flowers)#joking about the consequences of it. not about not wanting it brought up. if you do that it will simply make me#annoyed and upset :)
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crying i wrote smut in a hyper state for like 2? 3? hours, posted it to ao3 at a dead time on a whim, thought about the fic several hours again later, and hid it away because i got ickily self-conscious.
#im SUFFERING at first i was pretty ok with my writing like its smut its all the nasty cheesy talk yk but then i was like.#people might recognize me even though im on anon and perceive me. and then i started being like#oh my god this reads like some gooner shit. WHICH IS NOT A BAD THING??? esp for pwp because yk youre writing for yourself primarily#BUT IDK IM SO CONSCIOUS ABOUT IT#TORN BETWEEN TWO LOVERS..wanting others to join in on the perv circus lmfao and not wanting to be perceived in case ppl dont like my writin#but its fine ive resolved to just hide and unhide and re-hide the fic whenever i feel like it#and im sure theres infinitely worse fics out there#but like its such a specific niche (both the characters and the kinks) and im sure people will hazard a guess at who i am so... yoikes#tbh the kinks are pretty vanilla theyre just a little out there and not the usual penetration intercourse etc
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...
#sometimes i find the degree to which i cannot concentrate very alarming#like bro i canno read. i have so much to do but i wanna sleep forever#i just have to get up and go somewhere else. normally id go transfer algae or run but im stuck inside and .y fingers r all cold#usually its just in the morning that I get thr high distress so its prob the meds#but yesterday was kinda fucked. ugh.i just need to run around but i cant#i have such a sinister combo of: brain stops me from being able to b productive and if im not productive i am compelled to do horrible#things. mood issues and 0cd is horrible. horrible feedback loop#i just wish i could breathe. itll b fine. eventually itll b summer again and itll b fine#its like someone's squeezing my throat. like im sick but i kno its just that im anxious#i was doing so well the past few days in terms of reading and productivity despite the distress#and im trying to b kind and roll with the punches but its so hard#like i kno i need to relax and not resist bc resistance makes it worse but it's just hard and im worried this is how itll always b#i wish i could go back on lamicta1. i felt way better on low dose of that then i do on low dose of abi1ify. its so hard to stay on this#just bc of how my head works. and like things were complicated with the lamicta1. maybe i wouldnt habe had a reaction if i didnt get a#tatto0 while upping the dose but now im marked as allergic so i prob wont b allowed to try any of thr anti convulsive type antidepressants#ugh. i hate this. its so frustrating#unrelated
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So incredibly pleased to see fans sexualizing not just old men but fat old men!
Something inside me just sings to know that Pat from BBC Ghosts could inspire such a large amount of lovingly crafted pornography on AO3!
As a fat fellow who hopes very much to be a fat old man myself someday, what a gift!!
(Actually, as a short fat white boi with brown hair, I bet could do a pretty easy cosplay! OMG AND MY TALL WIFE COULD BE THE CAPTAIN. OMG. DEAD MUSTACHE HUSBANDS. OMG.)
#she would think I look so sexy in the Scout leader uniform! like for real she loves me in dorky outfits#original#bbc ghosts#bbc ghosts captain#bbc ghosts pat#pat butcher#the captain bbc ghosts#blorbos#pat x captain#captain x pat#captain/pat#I'm not a man but i am a guy hope this helps#lots of people seem to ship the captain with Thomas which is fine but#I really like that people recognize that the character the captain has the most on screen potential chemistry with is usually Pat!#remember the camping episode? delightful!#the fic I'm reading is called 'adored' but i am only on the first chapter.#if i like it after finishing it i will try to remember to post a link and recommendation here!#it's the one where they are both High School teachers who have to go on the school Paris trip together#I know pat isn't old he is middle aged but my point stands. i mean TECHNICALLY he is like 70. but he's been dead most of that time#this can all also be said for any character who isn't a thin white guy. I'm just so happy to see some variety!#I LOVE MY TALL WIFE#my beautiful lanky agender wife
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And now somehow I have to finish Knife of Dreams and Fourth Wing, both of which are just massive steps down after Dark Heir
#like rising to the mountain peak of good fantasy euphoria and then plummeting off the other side#back to sea level which is fine but in comparison#i miss the mountains as they say#vii makes bad decisions about epic fantasy series#look i am not saying knife of dreams and 4th wing are bad but they are just nowhere as good#usually i would fall into a ‘nothing can top this’ reading slump after dark heir but my coworker let me borrow her copy of fourth wing#so i’m obligated to finish it in a timely manner#only 200 more pages to go! 😩
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oh yeah i took a curious peak at the yttd manga like. idk. a week ago. i only read the first couple chapters, but. it's... so different. & somehow MORE GRAPHIC???????? i skimmed to see how they handled mishima & somehow it's more traumatizing than the game. wtf.
#mine#is there like. a good site to actually catch up & keep up w it btw cause our usual manga site is behind#yttd#yttd manga#yttd spoilers#i am. VERY curious which route it will go on but it's gonna be a long ass while before it gets to that point#but. like. since it is somewhat different storywise i assume it's an au??? or just not canon????#idk i dont rly know anything i just knew it existed & i took a curious gander & was traumatized.#& i did it in call w friends & they were like 'hm. maybe. u should not be reading that rn' & i was like. '. u right.'#I DIDNT EXPECT IT TO FUCK W ME THAT MUCH BC I PLAYED THE GAME & IT WAS OBVIOUSLY /A LOT/#BUT I WAS FINE FOR THE MOST PART CONSIDERING THE THEMES & CONTENT BUT MAN#they rly said 'no no. no how the games did it w the graphic description wasn't enough. they gotta SEE him melt here'.#NO WE DIDNT NEED TO SEE THAT ACTUALLY THE DESCRIPTION LEFT ENOUGH TO THE MENTALLY ILL IMAGINATION TY
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finally getting a chance to work on chapter 15 today :-)
#shout out AS ALWAYS to people leaving comments!!!! you are keeping me motivated you are keeping the dream alive#for some behind the scenes: in the last few weeks i've been barely sleeping and it makes it very hard to write or even be in a good mood#i usually need 11+ hours to function and so like. 2-3 hours a night is putting me in a bad place both mentally and physically#and yes i realize 11 or more hours is like a silly amount of sleep but idk. it's just how i am. i go to bed early AND sleep in ahaha.#i've been falling behind in all my classes due to the sleep thing so writing for fun has totally been off the table lol#ANYWAYS#typing typing typing (this chapter will be a lighthearted one)#we all need some fluff and levity i think (and i need to give time for Riku to care for Sora even more and be like. wow. i love you)#I was struggling earlier bc i wanted to write both about how Sora has been hiding darkness from loved ones and needs to let them in#but also with the idea of sora feeling that he needs friends to have strength or value. and i kind of realized i needed to pick one#like maybe a better writer than me could have both of those things be addressed at once but for me i was like... I want Riku to comfort him#which goes against him learning that he's fine on his own. we can address that in a different fic. rn he is just sad and needs to know#that he can share that with the people around him. and that he's still loveable despite it all#also shout out to my gf for teaching me “love isn't something you deserve that's not what love is” like. i did not know that b4 her#so I asked her lots of questions for chapter 14 actually cause I was like. i want Riku to support Sora in the way you'd support me#cuz IDK SHIT ABOUT THAT i have always felt unworthy of love and like i had to beg people to stay with me until i got into this relationship#so i was like. judy. what is your wisdom. how do you care for me when i feel like my pain makes me unloveable. what would you say#So yeah shout out to her! I am off on a tangent now hehe sorry. thanks for reading if you read this at all!! have a good day :)#jtsys fic#updates
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favorite thing ever is to go on goodreads and search up the names of books i hate to see if Everyone Else has the same opinion on it
#they usually do#this is about a lesson in vengeance which i read on the way back from my writing program and hated with a passion#today on i hate pretentious mcs who have literally every privilege and treat poc/enby ppl to further their own growth#also ik this is dark academia but literally why the fuck do they drink hard alcohol so much#when its not alcohol its black coffee like ok. what the fuck#i love complex characters but they were both pretentious -> traumatized -> manipulative -> hatred just switching up the order#then theres . 'my dormmate wants to be skinny soooo bad she does everything to be skinny well IM skinnier than her and she wants to be me'#'my doormmate is black and has been ostracized from her sorority cult for having a personality :((( well IM white and i was ostracized for#KILLING MY GIRLFRIEND'#like there is a clear difference. plus that character was only ever there to further the mcs understanding of race which . bffr#this couldve been fine if it wasnt for the mc who is The pretentious dark academic white girl trying to pretend shes not like the other#pretentious dark academic white girls#'and then theres me. who like REAL literature and wears tweed blazers' like youre aware this is literally the starter pack for every 13 y.o#person who thinks this will make them Cool right . like you do know that .#wow. anyways#the overdue asteroid strikes again#i am in fact a hater
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I love the fact that I can work as hard as I can manage with a broken tooth and a dying tooth (one on each side, I've been chewing on the cavity for a year) and I still cannot save even $10 towards getting dental treatment (2 impacted wisdom teeth, + tooth broken off under the gum, + bad cavity) because I barely make enough to cover my food and board and the insane energy bill
#I'm just ranting don't mind me it's fine I am continuing to exist as usual I may delete this later bc it's a bit of a bummer to read#I prefer to keep my blogging to fun or otherwise nonserious content because it's supposed to be for decompression no real world drama here#I got into a 3 hour body language study and earned $50 so I spent that as fun money on a couple games during the Steam sale just to#take a break from the constant cycle of getting paid and then immediately saying goodbye to all but about 15 cents#(well it was 1 game Slime Rancher 2 and then 2 expansion packs one for Planet Zoo and another for Cities Skylines long play hours mileage)#I've tried to budget to buy small things like a fan or a toothbrush maybe (mine is 8yrs old and doesn't charge sometimes) but NOPE#let alone stashing away over $2000 for the amount of treatment I need given tooth extractions are $200-$500 each#I use about $50 of groceries a week ($30 USD) sometimes up to $80 if I need to buy some extra toiletries or bonuses like ham/falafel/bread#our last quarterly power bill was $1900 FOR NO REASON even for a winter one#olessan oration#the work I have is HIT/mturk type work which pays amazingly well and I am so grateful because I can't work in a traditional environment due#my inability to sleep/wake on anyone else's schedule and need for engaging work but it also means each worker is basically a contract worke#picking their own hours which is VERY HARD to stick to for me since I may also have ADHD-i but that diagnosis also costs like $2000 in Aus#so I'm doing my best fucking lmao#I have a set minimum hours I want to keep up to and move to full time but I am so exhausted by the constant background noise of#the tooth problems that I burn out very quickly#like the tooth ache isn't that bad#the tooth is actively dying but the pain isn't unbearable it just shits me off at all times#it's bearable most of the time and doesn't affect my sleep unless the temp is cold or something#it's been bad this week tho so I've gone through almost all my ibuprofen managing it#the tooth that broke off broke off earlier in the year and the gum has mostly healed over and the dead root is concealed inside my gums now#that stopped being painful in mid 2021 but when it died it was pretty bad it did stop me sleeping for a couple weeks#Christmas 2021 involved me contemplating ripping the tooth out myself lmao#the nerve eventually died seemingly without an abscess#unless I DID have an abscess but that seems extremely unlikely because abscesses are SEVERE AND HORRIBLE AND LIFE THREATENING#sometimes I can feel the tooth ligament wiggling on its own or I like flex it by accident it's so weird bc the tooth is gone so#the ligament is still holding onto the root but with way less weight#anyway I am eating my mac n cheese n veg with the side that has the missing tooth because the cavity tooth has a big bruise along the gumli#gumline which may be from overzealous brushing (I fill the tooth will temporarily filling putty and it needs to be cleaned well when the#putty falls out)
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I'm back and I'm FUCKING insane holy shit.
Ok first off
WHAT WAS THAT ENDING?????????
That was a cliff hanger and a HALF holy SHIT I'm so excited to see what we have next time around... oh wow, I'm so fucking conflicted about Dara cuz like. Ohhh I know I KNOW she wants the best for the kids but DAMN she's got issues.... and also HELLO???? THERON??? Ok so like. Ok. I don't know how much I'm allowed to say for spoiler reasons but the story that Rowena told made me go 🤨 BUT THE MEANING???? THE MEANING. HOLY SHIT. so many thoughts and theories and I'm rotating your blorbos around in my brain. I don't want to give away the story publicly but just know. I see the meaning. I see it. I have SO many thoughts I'm insane -Ollie
AHAHAHAHA WE GOT ANOTHER ONE BOYS
I'm so glad youre having fun this comic is my pride and joy and getting to see new people get into it is so fucking exciting. I've worked so hard for this I cannot WAIT for everyone to see what I've got in store for the next chapter there's so much more story to unpack we're not even halfway through the comic yet
#asks#oughgu thank you so much i dont get to see people actually React to the comic so this is so special to me#i dont typically worry about spoilers for any part of the comic thats already posted publicly so you can say whatever its chill!#tho i appreciate respecting the spoilers c: makes me happy that ive finally gotten far enough into the story to warrant that AFHSGHSGJF#they are my blorbos and i love them so much#chapter 7 is my 3rd favorite chapter out of the 16 there will be total. i cannot overstate how fucking excited i am#if you have questions about anything about the comic you can send asks! here or the comic blog is fine i dont care too much#i also talk spoilers (for stuff that hasnt been made yet) on my oc blog if that interests you#theres also a discord if youre super into it and other stuff i make ?#but as usual no obligation to do any of this im just thrilled you read it and had a good time :'3#anyways heres some fun facts:#dara and rowena are my most controversial characters who have caused the most discourse. which isnt saying a lot cause#theres not enough people following the comic to really have discourse. but there have been actual arguments about dara and rowena#there will be 16 chapters total! ive had every detail of this story planned out for years!#chapter 7 will probably be one of the longest chapters of the comic at i thiiink 102 pages?#may have been 104
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👍👍
#im bout to be whiny before getting nauseated at being kimda vulnerable and end up deleting this but just#shoutout to my friend (who was the only person i ever shared my writing with for over a year)#just telling me they've always just skimmed my fics AND infodumps because they dont care. like has read at most a handful of me talking &#usually skips any rare audio message that i sent when SUPER excited and made up drama to have an excuse to change topics#again. for over a year.#then getting guilt trippy when i was hurt by it until i apologize instead which !! lmao fuck ok !#its just... very hmpth :/ bc it eas already a shitty night and week of nonstop migraine. and then this#and taking into account im someone who NEVER blocks any of my friends tags or doesnt read and invest myself in their interests#even if i dont like it; i love seeing people (even strangers) excited and talking about what they like so of course im going to#at least watch them talk on it and/or actually research into it because i want to be able to understand their happiness!#and because its whats important to them !! i dont expect the same and im not shaming anyone for not doing the same its fine I guess#but to tell me? and to say they dont read my writing or give a single shit about me talking about something#when i always put 100% into their interests? am i that shitty of a writer and that obnoxious to listen to lmao#like i feel shitty for even being hurt over it and even venting because you guys arent here for that and its mean to force it on ur dash#and i dont want to be too whiny but also. jfc man#ill stay silly starting tomorrow and post about batmans balls or whatever. sorry for the vent just. bleh.#that ‘december please bro please im begging just a break please man’ post but its me throughout this February too apparently
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