#which is the hardest part lolz

[osaemu]

good night tumblr dot com

[graciegoeskrazy]

Instead of living in your head

ross Macdonald + daughter!r

warnings: angst, lil bit of yelling, crying, r has dyslexia, uncle matty lolz, r is 11, tall ross with lil y/n oh my hearttttttt, barely proof read, idk what else

a/n: told ya i’d get this done tnt! Thank you tot he anon who requested this i ran right to the computer after getting the request.

“Why must the parent-teacher conference be tonight? And why are you so stubborn about going to all of them? You already know I’m doing fine in school.” You groaned from the back seat.

Ross kept his eyes on the road, not giving into your antics, as cute as they might be. “Oh, how terrible. God forbid I care for my daughter and help her during her school years.”

You smiled. “You really don’t have to go, you see my grades, they’re good.” You told him you just wanted to spend a quiet night with your father, which wasn’t a lie technically, but there was a bigger part that you didn’t want to tell your father.

You knew you were struggling. You knew this ‘issue’ was getting worse. For years, you were able to get by in school. Your grade wasn’t the best compared to your other stellar grades, but you kept it up. Until now. It wasn’t that you weren’t trying. If anything you were trying your hardest. It’s just as time went on and you got older, the harder it got. But you were determined to continue on as if nothing was wrong.

“I’ll only be gone for a few hours. Plus you don’t have to go with me, you get to stay with your uncle.” You smiled only a little bit. You figured that there could be a chance the topic won’t come up.

In complete honesty, Ross forgot this parent teacher conference was happening, which led him to texting Matty last minute.

ross | What are you doing tonight?

matty | getting drunk and crunk and making love to my wife

ross | Do you think you could add watching y/n for a few hours somewhere in between all that?

matty | oh for sure

matty | of course she calls upon her favorite uncle in her time of need

ross | George was unavailable…

matty | ffs

ross | Be there at 5.

The front door opened with a whirl as soon as you stepped out of the car door. Matty stepped out with his arms opened wide. You ran to him. “Uncle Matty!”

He scooped you up and lifted you in his arms. “Hey, angel! There’s my favorite niece!”

You looked at him with a pointed look. “I’m your only niece.”

His smile never faltered, “Which means you’re my favorite!”

Ross walked up by this time. “Thanks for doing this last minute. I should only be a couple of hours.”

“No worries. Say bye to your father.” Matty said, then gentured to you.

“Bye Daddy.” You said hugging his legs.

He kissed your head. “Bye, my love. Be good for your uncle.”

“Always.” You said with a smirk. Making both men smile.

—-------

Ross truly thought he had nothing to worry about. You were a well rounded girl all things considered. And not a single teacher had a complaint in the past. Sure, he was completely biased, but you were a great student. Not every kid can be perfect, but he was convinced you were the closest any girl could get. But again - he’s biased.

Someone had called his name from a hallway that was filled to the brim with anxious parents. They led him into a classroom. He was met with a woman, y/n’s teacher he heard about, standing over a table organizing files and papers. She was younger than he expected, but seemed nicer than the other teachers you’ve had, gentler.

“Mr. Macdonald! Please, come have a seat.”

She introduced herself, told her about the class, what they learned, etc. It all seemed very normal yet, there was still something that didn’t make sense.

“As I’m sure you’ve noticed, the grades she brings home are phenomenal.” He nodded, a small smile gracing his face. “It’s no surprise to me or any other teachers here that you have a very bright child. She’s the first to raise her hand, the first to help others, she has every quality of a great leader.”

He kept nodding, obviously agreeing but too shy to verbally admit it. Too proud to admit you were smarter than he ever was at this age.

Suddenly she took a pause. She read over her notes. When she looked back up her eyes wandered, looking anywhere else but Ross. “I have noticed a few grades have been dropping in the reading area?”

His head tilted. “Really?”

“Well, her last few grades have I’ve noticed have been getting lower and lower. Now her overall grade, although lower than the rest, I’m confident we can bring it back up to where it was.” She shifted, and Ross took notice. “When preparing for this meeting I discussed this pattern with our principal, and she thinks it’s possible that y/n has Dyslexia or another learning disability.”

Ross didn’t expect it.

“We have many resources right here in our school. If you want to get her officially tested we can help with that. That’s what we’re here for.”

He finally regained his thoughts, “To be honest, I haven’t even noticed. In her quiz grades? The ones she brings home?”

She let out a soft, sad sigh. “Yes. At first we thought it was some form of test anxiety? But, it’s mainly happening in the reading subject.”

Ross felt a tightness in his chest, the weight of guilt settling in as the teacher's words lingered in the air. He replayed the moments when y/n had shrugged off his questions about school, offering vague reassurances that everything was fine. He had wanted to believe her, and in his busyness, he’d let himself. But now, hearing this, it became clear—she hadn’t been fine at all. She had been drowning in silence, hiding the truth about her grades, her struggles, and maybe even her feelings. He hadn’t seen the signs. The late nights, the way she’d avoid reading out loud, her tendency to brush off doing her homework with a fleeting excuse, but then catching her doing it in silence in the confines of her room. It all added up now, and the realization hit him hard.

He felt a deep pang of regret, mixed with anger—anger at himself for not seeing it sooner, anger at the school for not catching it earlier. Dyslexia. It was a word he wasn’t familiar with in a personal way, but he knew enough to understand that you must have been feeling overwhelmed. He couldn’t help but imagine the frustration she must’ve experienced in class, surrounded by kids who seemed to grasp what was on the page while she struggled to make sense of it. It pained him to think of y/n, his only child. someone so bright and full of potential, being weighed down by something out of her control. 

His mind raced with questions. How long had she been struggling like this? Why hadn’t she come to him? And how was he going to help her now? He realized this wasn’t just about grades; this was about understanding her on a deeper level, about being the kind of father who didn’t miss the subtle cries for help. He nodded to the teacher, forcing himself to stay composed, but inside, he felt a swirl of emotions. This was just one layer of what you had been dealing with on her own. 

—-------

You ran out the door to your dad’s car, but not before giving Matty a big hug and telling him bye.

You greeted your dad with a kiss to the cheek, like you always did, as you got in the car. “Matty got me Mcdonalds.” You said, tone cheeky.

“Nice. What’d you buy me?” He said, only for a second forgetting the news he just learned.

You gave him a look. “Funny.” He smiled and you continued. “How’d it go?”

He shrugged, “Went alright.”

You mentally sighed, maybe they didn’t talk about it after all?

When you got home you told your dad you were going to shower. He nodded and let you be. It was getting late for you after all. He thought to himself as he watched you walk up the stairs. How am I going to ask her? He hadn’t a clue how he was going to address this.

—-------

He heard the water running from the bathroom that was connected to your room. Once he slowly and quietly opened the door, he made his way to your desk.

Compared to other kids your age, your room was pretty tidy for an 11 year old - another point that Ross made when bragging to others about how great you were. The bottom side drawer of your desk was filled with old test papers and worksheets that you brought home. You had always kept them in there, but not before proudly showing them off to your dad first.

It wasn’t the most organized, but the marking in red at the top of certain pages led him to the ones he needed. The first couple of papers weren’t awful, but definitely concerning knowing your usual grades. The more pages he picked up the lower the number at the top of the page. They were littered with correction marks and notes in red ink. His heart sank knowing the truth. The truth was you lied to him. He tried to stop himself from getting too angry but admittedly it was hard. You told him everything, and he was proud of that fact. He knew that as you got older there might be a day where you held some secrets to yourself, but never did he think it would happen now or at this age.

To entranced in the papers and the grades staring back at him, he didn’t notice the water stop or you walking out of the bathroom, towel in hand drying your hair, dressed in your pj shorts and one of your dad’s old t-shirts that, although large on your small frame, always seemed to look just right. “What are you doing?” You said, your voice small, curious. That curiosity only grew when you noticed the pile of papers on the desk and the ones you never wanted your father to see lying in his hands. “Why are you going through my stuff?” You said, stepping forward, only a hint of anger seeping through.

He looked at the papers in his hand, then back at you. “What’s this?” He asked.

You crossed your arms. “Answer my question first.”

He just continued. “Why haven’t you shown me any of your English class grades?”

“So that’s not answering my question actually.”

God, she can be like her mother sometimes. “y/n Macdonald, answer me.” He said, sternly. A sight you can’t recall the last time you saw.

You immediately got shy, shrinking in on yourself once you heard your fathers tone. “...I have-”

“No, you have not.” He said. He took a few steps forward. “I’ve never seen these papers or grades in my life. Why didn’t you show me? You show me everything like this.”

Your stomach flips as he holds up the stack of wrinkled papers, his face twisted with a mix of confusion and hurt. The sight of them makes your heart race faster. You never meant for him to find those, but here they are, crumpled in his hands.

“I don’t know,” you mumble, eyes darting down to the floor as your hands start picking at the edge of your shirt. “I forgot.”

“Forgot?” Ross’s voice sharpens, and you hear the disbelief clear in his words. He kneels down so he’s closer to your height, his face stern but not unkind. “These grades, y/n…why would you keep these from me?” His voice softens toward the end, almost like he’s afraid of the answer.

You stay silent, fighting the tears that sting behind your eyes. You’re not sure how to explain it, how to make him understand why the sight of those red marks on the papers made your chest feel heavy, why handing them over felt like admitting you were broken in some way. “I didn’t want you to be mad,” you whisper, feeling small under the weight of it all.

He lets out a slow breath, running a hand through his hair. “I’m not mad. I just—” He stops himself, and when he speaks again, his voice is quieter. “I’m not mad, Y/N. I’m just… sad that you felt like you couldn’t tell me. That you thought you had to hide this.”

You squeeze your eyes shut, wishing you could disappear, wishing you could take it all back. “I didn’t want you to think I was dumb,” you admit, your voice barely above a whisper.

Ross’s face softens at your words, and he gets down on one knee on the floor in front of you, his eyes searching yours. “You’re not dumb,” he says, shaking his head. “You’re so smart, Y/N. Way smarter than I was at your age. You just… you need a little extra help with this, that’s all. And that’s okay.”

He grabbed the sides of your arms, shifting the tone of the conversation as he spoke.

“Baby, do you know what Dyslexia is?”

You slowly lifted your head to meet his eyes. Softly shaking your head and letting out a meak “No.”

He swallowed and moved some of the pieces stuck to your face from crying away and behind your ear. “It’s a learning disorder that people have. All kinds of people, kids, adults. It could be anyone.”

He saw your eyes look up at him with curiosity. “Is it bad?”

“No, no. No, It’s not bad. Not at all.” He took your hands in his, “It just means some people need more help than others. Sometimes they need to be taught in a different way.” You looked down again, “Honey, some of your teachers at school think you have Dyslexia. They think that’s why you’re getting these grades.” You were trying so hard to keep the tears at bay. “Do things sometimes look different than what the other kids are saying they see? Or are you slow at reading? Are things like that getting harder?” He tried to search your eyes for something. A feeling or an answer, but all he was met with were tears.

His words make something crack inside you, and before you can stop it, the tears are spilling down your cheeks. You’re not sure if it’s from the relief or the guilt or the sheer exhaustion of trying to hide everything for so long, but you can’t hold it in anymore. Ross reaches out, pulling you into a hug, and for a moment, you let yourself sink into it, into the warmth and safety of his arms.

“I’m sorry,” you manage through your sobs, clutching his shirt.

“I know, kiddo,” he murmurs into your hair, holding you tighter.  “Why didn’t you tell me this was happening?”

You continued to sob, “I didn’t want you to get mad at my grades. I didn’t understand what was happening. I just thought I was dumb and if I kept trying it would get better, but it didn’t.” You said, pulling away slightly.

“Y/n.” He said, semi-sternly. “You should never be afraid to tell me something. I could’ve helped you-”

“How?!” You said, anger seeping through, knowing that the truth was he wouldn’t know how to help you.

He sighed, “I-...i don’t know.”

“Exactly.”

“We would’ve figured it out, we would’ve gotten the help sooner.” He took your head in his hands, “I’m not angry about your grades, baby. I’m angry you lied.”

You shrugged through your sniffles. “Can you blame me?”

He gave you a weak somber smile, “No. I can’t.” You fell into his arms again, cries continuing to wet his shirt but settling down with the comfort of your Dad. “But you don’t ever have to be scared to tell me. No matter what. We’ll figure this out together, okay?” 

You nod against his chest, the weight of the secret you’ve been carrying finally starting to lift. 

You were still angry—not at your father, of course—but at the situation, at how unfair it all felt. You'd spent so long believing you were just slower than everyone else, that something about you was fundamentally wrong, and now, suddenly, you had a name for it. However it didn’t erase the years of frustration or the moments when you felt completely lost, watching your classmates breeze through what felt impossible to you. But at least it was something—a reason. You weren’t broken, and knowing that eased a small part of the heaviness in your chest. 

Still, the anger lingered, mixing with relief in a confusing knot of emotions. Maybe you could get the help you needed and not have to hide behind excuses or crumpled papers anymore. And maybe, for the first time in what felt like forever, you could let yourself believe that it wasn’t your fault. You weren’t alone in this, and though the road ahead looked uncertain, at least you weren’t walking it by yourself.

You glanced up at your dad, who was still holding you close, and a small, tired smile tugged at your lips. Whatever came next, he was ready to help you through it all, and you were ready to face it together.

[bunn1g1rl420]

First fast :p

I’m gonna keep updating this as I attempt my first 48 hour fast (any tips are helpful)

•17 hours- I feel ok, a little shaky and hard to concentrate though. I’m currently in ketosis about to enter heavy ketosis. I’ve been drinking a lot of water. I’ve just been studying all day so low energy level activities.

•20 hours- I feel better than earlier. I’m in heavy ketosis now. I drank saltwater because everyone says to lol. I am less shaky than earlier. I’m about to go run on the elliptical for about 20 mins but I’m gonna try to take it easy with working out today ^_^

•21 hours- Just finished running on the elliptical for 30ish mins. I’m somehow less hungry after that?? Anyways gonna shower and then see how I’m feeling after. I think entering ketosis was the hardest part of this and now i’m chilling lolz

•22 hours- I’m not even feeling hungry anymore. I’m hoping that doesn’t change anytime soon. I’m just mostly excited to hit the 24 hour mark. I think my curiosity what’s keeping me going more than anything tbh

•24 hours- halfway through!! i’m struggling a little bit more but I think it’s just cuz i’m tired. I’m gonna try to go to sleep and that will be another 8ish hours with absolutely no effort. This is the longest i’ve ever gone without food ever which is crazy to think about but I’m proud of myself. Goodnight lovelies I’ll update in the morning!

•34 hours- I just woke up and i feel like shit. The fact I’m getting close is motivating me to push through tho. I’m not really craving food anymore. I didn’t sleep well at all last night which might make this worse.

•35 hours- I had to end it because my blood sugar levels were so low and I have class 🥲 lowkey proud of myself for making it this far tho, next time I’ll hit 48 hours for sure

[toastybugguy]

Dude tell us ab the LR Descendants AU that sounds so fun I would like to hear the infodump

DUDE. Dude.

okay so this is a jumbled mess bc honestly this just started as an excuse to make silly little animatics in my head to my silly little songs LOLZ. BUT. I’m an idea man at heart. So here’s just a bunch of loosely connected ideas (that you can probably poke a ton of holes in). Just do what I did and take whatever you like and RUN W IT

- The VKs are Marcus and Skylar because Marcus is obvi and Skylar being evil was fun…. and also!! I think they should b friends!!!!

- Was pondering making Oliver and Bree the other VKs to fill out the cast and so I can unite my power couples and let them all be evil together. There is no real conclusion 2 this pondering bc I couldn’t decide which version I liked more AUWGh

- All the big baddies are on the Isle, so Douglas, Krane, Mr. Terror, Annihilator, Giselle, etc etc you get the gist

- Donald snuck the rats off the Isle where Douglas had created them before it descended into chaos and was closed off, and they now go to Auradon Prep where they continue to pretend to be average students

- People in Auradon know about bionics, but only the context of the Isle, so the general association is bionics = bad

- Leo takes the place of Ben, he helps keep their secret under wraps and coaches them on how to blend in

- Davenport constantly prepares them for the worst case scenario, telling them they have to keep their secret at all costs

- Bree tries her hardest to pretend she IS a normal student, hoping one day she’ll just forget that she isn’t. She never asked for this in the first place. She hates that she has to feel different at all.

- Adam doesn’t understand why it has to be a secret. He’s pretty sure if they told the truth and explained it to people, they could help others see that they’re not so bad. Chase is always telling him it’s “not that simple.”

- Because Chase is high strung. Really, truly, high strung. He doesn’t want to know what would happen to him or his family if everyone found out they’re like the people on the Isle. He doesn’t want to mess up whatever’s going on with Kaz by revealing he’s a freak and has been lying this whole time. He also doesn’t know when he also started resenting the “different” part of himself.

- Kaz and Oliver are their friends and have seen them doing weird unexplainable things before, but Leo lies and says it’s because they actually have superpowers

- Great, another thing to lie about!

- At least we get that Leo + Kaz + Oliver friendship that we all needed

- Attempts to integrate and rehabilitate the Isle and Auradon begin with bringing in VKs to Auradon Prep

- Idk what the balance between the Descendants universe and the LRMMEF universe is here so the wand is either the same or it’s the Arcturion or some weird mix of both. Anyway it’s The Plot Thing.

- Rats have REALLY got to hide their secret now bc tensions are high and they don’t want to be associated w the VKs

- Oliver and Kaz are truthfully on the fence about the ordeal because they used to know Skylar before things went bad. They want to believe she’s not beyond help but they also know the things she’s done since the Isle was closed off, and they aren’t sure just how far gone she is.

- Conflict is v family centric w other interpersonal conflicts mixed in

- The rats have to choose between risking the safety of Auradon or risking being potentially hated and ostracized by their friends and peers in their attempts to appeal to Marcus and Skylar

there’s??? too much and yet too little to say abt this bc again. Really Great Idea Man, less good Execution Man. and still I’m not sure which version of the VKs I like more bc it would sort of make sense for Oliver to be a VK since his mother is on the Isle and I like the idea of Skylar meeting Bree and being like “hey. fuck all your inhibitions. everyone sucks so why not just go be evil.”

but THERE IT IS!!! PLS add on or build off this or tweak it or whatever you’d like!! It’s been bouncing around in my brain and I watched Descendants 2 last night so yes we r thinking. Also, I wrote most of this in my notes app at like 1am while sick as balls so this probably makes even less sense than expected. Just know this is how my brain looks on paper.

bonus stuff I’m tossing in (mostly just to talk about the soundtrack teehee):

- Pretty sure this whole thing started because I thought Did I Mention was so flamebrain coded. I’m still right about that btw.

- If Only is also very much Chase inner struggle moment

- One way that I get to still have the 4 VKs for Ways To Be Wicked is that I pull the same trick they did in Descendants 2 and the whole number is all a daydream in Marcus and Skylar’s heads. Camera pans out and they’re both just like “sigh… wish they were evil and gay for us… oh well, time to go make them worse.” This is me eating my cake and eating it too.

- I don’t know WHEN or HOW Chillin’ Like A Villain would ever be plot relevant but it made me think of Skylar and Marcus talking to Oliver (the crisis that would be for my poor boy. someone help his sappy ass). Anyways it’s just a good song listen to it RN.

- okay yes I know that technically it’s a song from Z-O-M-B-I-E-S but LET ME HAVE THIS bc if you skip like the first 20 seconds of context in Someday - Ballad… it’s very marliver 2 me. Imagine they get their shit more figured out off screen and just get to be cute n stuff except Marcus still has to lie about not being evil ouuGhuhhggggh. It would b funny.

- One Kiss is also self indulgent marliver with identical setup to Descendants 3 (despite the fact that that movie was…ahem. i mean it was definitely a movie) bc I LOVE that song and HELLO the inner conflict of wondering if true love’s kiss even applies to you because you’re an android and what if there’s no way to save him, what if you’re not even capable of loving him like you think you do?? (but then Oliver wakes up, and it’s the best answer he could’ve gotten <33)

- Good Is The New Bad from Wicked World doesn’t have anything to do with anything but I’m saying right here and now that it is TOO catchy

- also Evil (from Wicked World as well) has been on my Marcus Davenport playlist since the beginning. needed to be said

[n1cholaswang]

HEAVEN — CJU

idol!jiung x nonidol!genderneutral!reader

cw: jiung's a perv 🙄 , phone sex , mutual masturbation , reader has a pretty dildo LMAO , slight voyeurism , mentioned somno , begging , a little crack at the end , nudes lolz

wc: 1.5k

a/n: support p1h's cb this month 🤭

jiung leans back into his chair, taking a deep sigh.

this was the third day in a row he has been in his room at fnc, working terribly hard on this new album, much to his partner's dismay.

[name] didn't mind his job. in fact, they loved seeing him performing on stage. but, the hardest part about dating an idol - besides having to keep your relationship a secret - was the promotional periods.

the periods were jiung would come home in the middle of the night, that is if he came home at all.

the periods were the only time they'd see him is on tv or over the phone.

the periods were they desperately missed him, physically, emotionally, and sometimes (most times) sexually.

god how much they missed being able to fuck him awake, fuck him after dance practices when he'd be dripping sweat, suck him off in the car while on the way home, and especially they missed the way his voice would tremble and crack as their hands roam all over him.

fuck, now they're aroused.

jiung decided his mini break was over and turned his attention back to his monitor but the audio files began to mush his brain again, making him groan and toss his glasses on the table.

he reached out for his phone and dialed his lover's number, spinning in his chair as he waited for them to answer.

their custom ringtone for jiung surprised them, not wanting to answer at first since their hand was down their pants, searching for some sort of relief.

"hello?", they whispered

"baby!", he exclaimed, "how are you?"

they felt a little better hearing his voice but it only made them painfully more excited.

"im okay...", they touched themselves to jiung's soft voice, "just really missing you"

he sighs, looking down at his lap, "i know, and im sorry i can't be there with you, cuddling you. i wanna hold you so bad"

they whimpered as they stroked a sensitive spot but masked it with a hum of acknowledgment.

"come home soon, okay?"

"i'll try...", jiung pouted, feeling bad for leaving his partner all alone, "whatcha been up to?"

they didn't reply, touching themselves more and trying not to make any sounds.

"baby? you there?"

"huh?! oh... uhm... mmmfuck- y-yeah im here"

jiung's eyebrows stitched together in both concern and confusion. were they sick? bloated? tired? had a headache? is that why such a noise escaped from their lips?

he couldn't deny, the hushed moan did turn him on but what if they were sick? he couldn't get off to the thought of his lover not being okay.

"darling?", jiung started, "you never answered my question; what've you been up to?"

they let a small and hopefully quiet whimper, pushing a finger into their hole, "j-just been watching... hmm... net-flix and p-playing games"

and there it was again: that pleasant, lewd sound which made jiung sink more into his chair.

"oh yeah? what kind of games did you play?"

they started thrusting their fingers, "oh you know... m-mariokart 'n stuh- stuff", they moaned out

they closed their eyes and cursed to themself for being too loud.

and too loud they were. jiung's hand moved from the chair's arm to his thigh, but not daring to inch closer to his crotch.

"you alright?"

"mhm, just a little... like, tired, you know?"

he laughed out, "you're a terrible liar you know that?"

"you don't have to lie, i know what you were doing"

their throat dried up, "what are you-"

"stop"

and they did. damn their submissiveness.

he scoffed, "playing games, huh? more like playing with yourself"

"i'm sure you look so good fucking yourself"

the image of [name]'s beautiful scrunched up with bliss face made his cock twitch and harden.

the hand on his lap slid up, palming himself and sighing in pleasure.

"can you show me?"

"sh-show you what?", they ask shyly

"show me how you play with yourself while im away"

his tone was low, and sexy, irresistible and it was so easy to submit to him and his every desire.

jiung was a pervert, not that [name] really cared. they'll admit, at first it was awkward to hear him sniffing their neck and catching him trying to steal their underwear as if he was some prepubescent teen. but, once he explained his - what he'd called it - obsession for them, they were beginning to get used to it.

they set up their phone to get a good angle then went to their closet, pulling out a box of toys. opening it, they choose a glass dildo with a cute pink heart at the top and toss it onto the bed.

they close the box then hide it under the bed before turning on the camera, displaying their half naked body. they waited for jiung's camera to turn on and oh god, they were not ready for the sight they were faced with.

his navy blue beanie was covering his brown hair, a nude long sleeved shirt draped over his slim body, his eyes hooded with lust.

"my stunning angel", he sighed out, palming himself more as he scanned [name]'s body.

"can i see more of you baby? please?"

he was begging, like seriously begging. this was an once-a-month type thing and since he already begged them to sit on his face last week, they weren't expecting this.

"awh, you miss me that much?", they teased.

his cock hardened and he whined, "yes yes, now... please?"

[name] grabbed the hem of their shirt, pulling it off their body as slow as they possibly could which only made jiung more impatient.

he lifts up his hips, sliding his sweatpants and boxers down, his angry-red cock springing out. his eyes stayed glued onto his phone as their "angel" began giving him a show, swaying their hips back and forth and touching themself all over.

jiung's fist gently wrapped around his cock and hissed as he squeezed the tip to leak more precum.

but then, they started.

the pretty glass dildo fit perfectly in their mouth, sticking their tongue out while attempting to rut against the bed. moans were muffled by the dildo instead of jiung's cock, making him frown in jealousy.

spreading their legs more, they rolled their hips into the mattress, a little wet spot forming. their boyfriend's hand slid up and down his length slow, fucking his hand at the same pace of [name] fucking their own mouth.

their spit was dripping from the dildo, taking it out of their mouth before pumping it with their hand and sliding it down the center of their chest.

jiung threw his head back and moaned as he stroked himself more, sinking down into his chair.

"why am i the only one naked? seems like this is only fun for you", they put the toy behind their back, shaking their head in disapproval, "you don't see shit until you come home"

he pouted and whined, not hesitating to lift his shirt and show off his soft tummy, "is this better darling?"

they pulled the toy out again, spitting on it, "much better"

they positioned themself so jiung could perfectly see how the dildo stretched them and their beautiful face as they sat down on it.

[name] bouncing on a toy he bought for them made his head fuzzy. he imagined his hand was their velvety walls, gliding up and down easily and skillfully while occasionally and unintentionally squeezing around him.

he didn't wanna come yet. no, in fact, he wanted to see them unravel on a single dildo that wasn't even half his size.

their hand went up to their nipple, squeezing and tugging at it while whining jiung's name.

the two continued like that: [name] fucking themself while moaning jiung's name loudly and jiung fisting himself with his shirt between his teeth to muffle his own moans.

soon, they were close, their moans increasing in volume.

"jiungjiungjiungfuck! ... sogoodsogoodiloveit! fuckfuck, i love you jiu- fuck!"

and the knot untied. their legs were shaking, breathing heavily, cum covering their camera with jiung's name being chanted.

he was close too, seeing his angel turn into the complete opposite turned him on immensely.

he pumped his cock faster, the shirt between his teeth falling down as he gasps, sighs, and curses under his breath.

"shit- you're so fuckin' pretty... all the fuckin' time", he squeezed the base of his cock, his face contorting in pleasure, "wanna cum for my angel, wanna make a mess for you"

he was right there, but before he could finish, the door swung open.

"jiun- OHMYGODWHATTHEFUCK"

[name] knew that voice from anywhere.

keeho.

they closed their eyes and fell face down into the sheets in embarrassment.

"NO WAY! IS THAT [NAME]?! HOLY SHIT YALL ARE A COUPLE OF-"

before they could hear the end of that sentence, jiung hung up. they started giggling, predicting what their friend had said.

they took their phone and quickly snapped a photo of the dildo pushed deeply inside of them, sending it to their boyfriend with the caption "wish this were you huh?"

[name] knew jiung would come home and make them eat their own words but that was something they were looking forward to.

[riasuns]

lily pads

summary: in which armin uses the pads of his fingers to give you the hardest orgasm you’ve ever had. 

tags: vaginal fingering, praising, edging, dacryphilia, armin wears a uni sweater.

word count: 671 

a/n: istg i got like 5 drafts but i got an attention span of a pea. but i promise to write more if u guys want lolz just need to get my life back on track bc u know,, depression. but anywayzzzzz runs away 🏃‍♀️

armin fingering n edging you for an hour straight. big fat hot tears rolling down your pretty cheeks as you babble nonsense, trying to convince him to let you cum. he just chuckles at your weak state.

“what? baby wants to cum?” he sounds mean and condescending. “no baby… not yet, you don’t know what’s good for you, but i do..” he coos so sweetly into your ear which caused you to whimper and buck your hips to reach that sweet spot that makes you melt into the palm of his hand. his words makes your hot cunt squeeze his fingers so good it’s almost heartbreaking when he slips them out.

“tsk tsk” armin says as he looks at his long, pale fingers covered in the creamy substance that you created. poor you, grasping onto the sleeves of his university sweater that he has on. you cling onto him. his once bright blue eyes that looked like the shore of the ocean are now turned into a dark blue like the deepest part of the sea. he grazes over your doe glossy eyes. “no, no baby, you can’t cum yet, it will feel good once you do though, trust me baby, it will feel so good. you’re doing so good for me.” his wet fingers outline your glossy plump lips, slipping his fingers into your hot cavern. you obey and suck the sticky arousal from his fingers, cleaning them off.

you release them with a light pop. “‘atta girl.” he whispers, trailing his wet fingers down your shivering thighs, the small bumps on your skin forming. “…now, i want you to be good and take what i give you”

you nod fervently moaning his sweet name as his slips his fingers once again into your hot cunt, playing with that spongy spot that makes you feel hot. “love you like this. love this cunt. love you” armin moans out quietly, taking a deep breath of your delicious scent, the pads of his fingers hitting that rigid spot faster and faster every time. the poor band kept forming and and stretching, any second now would snap hard.

“‘min!! min! please! i-im gonna cum! please let me cum! cant no more!” big fat tears are rolling down your cheeks from your doe eyes.

“just hold it a lil longer baby. s-shit, you’re so fucking wet” he groans at the sound of your squelching hot pussy as it’s squeezes his fingers harder as a signal and you were indeed about to snap.

“please ‘min, fuck! i wanna cum for you so bad!” you were gripping his uni sweater to your dear life your knuckles were aching, you just wanted to cum real bad! armin has been teasing and edging you for the past hour while watching a film on netflix, the noise from the background swallowing the desperate moans and shaky breaths you let out.

“ok baby, cum. cum for me. be a good girl and cum for me.” he whispers finally and you rip out a loudest moan of the night, slapping your hand over your mouth to mute a few octaves. “i’m cumming! i’m cumming! i’m cumming for your armin! fuck baby!” you cried, your orgasm hitting you like a literal truck as you finally let the band snap and let loose. tear-stained eyes rolling into the back your head, your moth never stopping the repeating of your lovers name, as if it’s the only word you know.

your pussy spasms and clenches as armin uses his thumb to slowly rub your clit to help you come down your hard orgasm. “that’s it… atta girl… you did so good baby.” armin praises as he kisses your temple as you calm down your breathing. eyelashes wet from your tears, you blink a few times before saying,   “thank you ‘min.” still sensitive from the outcome which just makes him smile and give you a gentle kiss of the lips.

“i love you so much baby… now i think your ready for my cock, yeah?”

[redxblueihateloveyou]

Actually i don't get Reki at all. Like even in the first ep he was worse even than Shadow and i'm not talking abt Cherry, Joe and Adam. And he was ok and loved skating. But like... if your friend is better than you, then you get depressed and making your friend feel guilty abt you not being good enough? I didn't even ship Reki and Langa, they are just giving me only friendship vibes, but i'm still sad, wtf writers did with his character?

Yeah, same. Like, sorry, I just don’t think Reki’s character can be redeemed for me personaly at this point.  

Like what should I even stand for in his character? I do not respect his life position at all. Like I dislike Makoto for being a shadow and not wanting anything in his life, but hey, at least he’s genuinely happy for Haru’s success. I adore Rin who never gave up and dove into the hardest challenge possible from the start to get on Haru’s level, cause he wanted to swim with him for the rest of his life and he got there. And then there’s this..  it’s like.. he loves to skate, but apparently not enough, cause his doesn’t want it, if he isn’t the best at it, so he’d rather... not skate at all? He wants to be as cool and on the same level with “naturally talented ones” and wants to compete with Langa, but he doesn’t want to do anything for it or search for his own unique style or smth to beat them in another way? And on top of that he’s also sad about seeing Langa succeeding? The whole thing is... like.. no, thank you?

Like are they really gonna go with the “you made me want to be great at this like you, but if only you are great at this, than screw both you and this?” lolz. Even if they will go with the psychological block bc of his friend’s injury, it’s gonna be lousy af now. It’s like is there even a route left which could make him look...ahem... presentable at this point? Idk.

I also was right about the fact that he’s the type who prolongs the whining instead of doing things, unlike some other characters who were in his position too; realistic maybe he is, but I don’t want it, honestly, like I see such things every day and I do not like it.

From what I’ve seen in the tag some are already trying to apply here like 50 mental disorders to excuse him and stuff like “it’s realistic” and at this point I’m honestly used to people on the internet using mental disorders not for spreading awareness, but bc they’re thinking it’s “trendy”, which is a cringe galore and shame on you. But it still makes me kinda sad all the time. Also there’s nothing unrealistic about not giving up and getting where you want, it’s just harder for, to say, “ordinary” people, that’s why most rarely choose this option (although it’s for you to decide if you’re ordinary or not, cause everyone can be extraordinary, you just need to find it in you). Anyways, drowning in a self pity is not the trait I’ve ever found appealing in people, along with the constant comparing yourself to others.

Sadly many prefer to use these excuses to get out of everything along with being lazy or jealous, esp the young generation. At this point, it’s like the same thing as with this other fandom. Like, sometimes when someone is trying to hit someone because he saw that he’s more talented than him, that just means that he’s an asshole, there’s no need to come up with ridiculous excuses to justify this and try to make him a hero. And sometimes ppl are just jealous, as simple as that. And no, not everyone is like that. At this point ppl on social media are like... fuck your hard-working characters, who are inspired by talent and do not give up on trying to prove yourself even if the whole world is against them. Let’s promote being emo and how it’s okay to spend your life on walking around telling everyone how you’re a useless trash, like this will help you in life.

Also if seeing someone succeed, esp your best friend, makes you sad, might want to reconsider the way of living your life. Just saying.

Also since when you have to be the best just to enjoy doing what you love doing? I’m like... personaly I do not get it. Looking at my vids 10 years ago they look like utter trash, but I tried and tried and yeah, I might not reach some levels of mega talented ppl, but hey, I’m still trying and searching for stuff I can improve all the time and watch talented ppl tutorials like “holy fuck, you can do that?”.

But hey, at least he doesn’t want to only make boards, he wants to compete... (or does he? I’m honestly not sure at this point lol)... I mean, there’s... that. but I thought, when he’s gonna realize it, he’s gonna be back on track, but n.o. xD back to self pity. ok then. Some go like “its only been 3 episodes” and I’m like “this... ain’t a 24 episodes anime tho..(?)”.

So far I’m just confused about what are writers intentions with some characters are. Like the most interesting ones at least for me are technically a background for some reason idk. I was literally sad about the wasted amount of screentime on Reki being.. well, nothing new.

Sad part about this is that people like this also need a constant reassuring to the point of them just sucking your life out of you, too, so I honestly do not know how to deal with this life position. Ppl like this have a tendency to never be happy, so Langa would just have to run after him and feed him with compliments for the rest of his life to water his tiny self-esteem or say smth “don’t give up, don’t give up, fighting”? It’s like... well, ok. Friendship, yeah, but ship? Nah, not for me. Also I do not smell any huge romance there tbh, and from Reki’s side this is all just a mess tbh.

The saddest part was that he saw that Langa won after his yelling and he didn’t care for that. Like Rin was mopping bc he wanted to swim with Haru, so when he saw that Haru wanted to swim with him, too, that was it for him. And that’s the problem all the viewers who watched Free! got hit with while watching this. My DMs are literally all about “why do I not feel anything about them?” or “sometimes cute, but smth doesn’t hit me shipping wise”. Cause I think most expected for some reason that he would also put Langa first, but at the end, they’re not on the same track, bc their priorities are different.

I actually think it was just mistake for all of our Free! hommies including me to go at it from the wrong point of view and from the beginning expecting it shipping wise to be like that one other Utsumi’s work. I mean, she’s just a director there, not also on the storyboard or anything else. Should’ve gone watching it with a clear head. The main ship just does not hit any spots for me either. And my heart does not lie there at all. I do blame Free! for this, cause it’s like impossible to compare bc of those our scenes, I keep seeing, but at the same time, they do not hold up not to the dynamic, not to anything at this point. Like I do not know where they’re going with them, but this is just not my type of a ship in general and definitely not the one I can go crazy about. I honestly do not think 3 episodes can change that. It’s says a lot if at this point I do not even care much for their reconciliation, I’m like.. tell me about the seniors’ drama tho xD So I’ll stick with my side ships.

Also, unrelated to the question, but did Adam seriously just went and hit Cherry with a board in the face?!!!! (THE FUCK DUDE?) Like, this was definitely not how I thought this was gonna go. I also kinda felt like Cherry was in love with Adam in the past. All in all this was like a... strange episode, at this point I just feel sorry for my baby Langa, Joe and Cherry were very cute (esp at the end) and my god Cherry is hot, but like I also want something complex pls, so idk I’m  still waiting for the Adam/Tadashi shananigans.

At this point I’m like “I love watching this, but what am I watching?” haha supernatural skating soup opera it is then. 

Also I just love Langa my dude, my man. How he’s such a puppy in real life, but so freaking hot when he skates??!!! T_T 

[tyrionslannister]

🍼 FOR BOTHHH

{send in 🍼 and i’ll create a child for our characters !!}

CHRIS & BLAIR

- name: miracle ambrosio (she actually has her father’s last name but she doES NOT. LIKE IT. in fact she doesn’t really like miracle either bc chris’s family keeps joking about it like ‘well it was indeed a miracle lolz’ but well)- likes / dislikes: it’s easier to tell what she dislikes because she’s GRUMPY like the german side of chris’s family; while we’re on the matter, she hates it when people compare her to the adler family (which is why she does not use her dad’s name), when people mock her name, when people laugh at her, people in general the percy jackson series, star trek and…. well. but she DOES like: taking artsy pics of herself and her friends, cheesy rom coms, listening to the story of her parents’ relationship, eyeliner, thai food, norse mythology. this is so random lol- first word: “ed” (aka chris’ permanently drunk cousin), tho chris swears she was actually trying to say ‘dad’. no one believes him, ofc.- appearance: she’s sO TALL and slender, with a square shaped face, long and wavy red hair and blue eyes just like her parents - which parent they look more like: chris (which shuts up all the relatives trying to be funny and saying ‘lolz u sure this ur daughter buddy’. tho chris’s fist shuts them up too, but he doesn’t use it often ‘cause he’s mostly chill)- which parent they like more: she loves both equally she could never choose,,- height once fully grown: 184cm- job ambition: photographer- faceclaim: HEY I HADN’T THOUGHT ABOUT THIS WHEN I WROTE ABOUT HER APPEARENCE!!!  but, ahem :D i guess…. katarzyna konderak??? yea she would be a good choice,,

ARTHUR & REBEKAH 

- name: erik filip holstein-makinen (he kind of bears the name of two disney princes and i think that’s neat)- likes / dislikes: so as a child he liked to play around with jewelry, which couldn’t be safe for a child, but well, and wearing crowns too big for his head so when he grows a little arthur gives him a crown and he’s so happy so he grows up wearing crowns. he loves crowns. but he also loves simpler things like lemon cakes and mint and the smell of new paper and freshly baked pies, rainy days and dancing!! (he’s a very extreme person he either loves smth or hates it,, so…) but he hates when people make stupid, obvious questions; when people make snarky comments abt his parents, but people don’t do it a lot bc his parents are king and queen so he does not have to worry about it much; and he really does not like the sun for some reason?? summer equals nightmare for erik.- first word: “erik” (arthur cannot stop laughing after it happens. ‘look at my son, so young and so narcissistic’, he says, crying tears of laughter while all the servants roll their eyes.)- appearance: he is also a tall guy!! his face is shaped like a heart and he has light brown, curly hair. and he’s blue eyed, too. and i’m terrible describing appearances lol- which parent they look more like: arthur (and he hates it. he wanted to look like his mother. ‘such a pretty hair colour’, says he, looking at her from a distance. ‘why couldn’t i have it toooo’)- which parent they like more: REBEKAH. no big surprise, since arthur is always either laughing his ass off or grumpy and serious af when he’s around his son. (erik likes his dad too but. u know. he’s mama’s boy and he’s proud of it.)- height once fully grown: 183cm- job ambition: “uh, idk, dude. maybe, you know… king of finland, perhaps??” – erik at some point of his life, probably. he’s so freaking done….- faceclaim: THIS IS THE HARDEST PART but again, uh, i chose finn jones bc i had to make a choice :’) -does he even look like jamie dornan??? who knows right, but it’s not like katarzyna looks a lot like sam heughan either soooo….. and well, yolo right

[lithugraph]

Fanfiction asks ! Could you answer questions 2, 3 & 4 for Lost Generation please ? :)

Well, since both @niniel-kirkland and @gummyboots asked about Lost Generation, I’ll answer both here:

1: What inspired you to write the fic this way?As silly as it sounds, the original idea for this came from the name of a country western bar that is now closed I think. I never went, but I had a lot of friends who did. It was called The Cheyenne Supper Club. The name made me think of an old west saloon or an upscale “house of ill repute.” I wanted to write a PruAus where Roderich is just a complete bastard. In the fandom, he’s always portrayed as this weakling, but from an historical perspective, Austria was freakin’ boss! So I wanted to do something that showed his darker, more manipulative side. I originally thought about setting it in the old American West. If you’ve ever read East of Eden by John Steinbeck, or seen the movie Pretty Baby, I had initially based Roderich’s character off the madames in each of those. If I had gone the Wild West route, he definitely would have been the male version of Cathy from East of Eden – although I still feel he’s kind of like Madame Mosebery, just with a moral side. I switched from the Wild West theme to Weimar Germany because I felt it was more interesting and i didn’t think the western motif would hold up for long, and I felt Roddy would have just been this one dimensional asshole of a character. Plus I knew how I wanted to end the story set in Germany versus the one set in the American west.

2: What scene did you first put down?The first scene I put down is the first chapter, lol! Actually, it was the part when Gil and Lutz show up out of the blue at Roderich’s club.

3: What’s your favorite line of narration?“He thought of his mother’s voice, his uncle’s house – the corners where he used to hide, where he thought the light could not quite reach and yet always seemed to find him. He never could run from it.” This came from the very last chapter and was a theme I tried to reiterate throughout. Without trying to sound too academic or snobbish about my own writing, I was basically playing around with the idea of duality and the tug-of-war of Ludwig’s character. He’s essentially had to hide a major part of himself, in this case his sexuality, because he’s faced such hate for it from his uncle and his schoolmates. The only place he feels “safe” is at the cabaret. He’s seen how open Roderich and Gilbert are with their relationship in public and how open the “girls” are about performing, and he wants to be able to experience that openness too, but he still carries that stigma.

4: What’s your favorite line of dialogue?Not so much a favorite line, more like favorite scenes of dialogue: Any time Ludwig and Lovino are talking together. The dialogue is so simple but I think it conveys what I was trying to get across and I just had a fun time writing their interactions.

5: What part was hardest to write?Ludwig’s sex scene with Irina because it was supposed to be so awkward – and it felt so awkward to write! Also, the build up to Ludwig asking Roderich about being a part of the cabaret act.

6: What makes this fic special or different from all your other fics?It’s the longest fic I’ve ever written and my continued investment in this world I created.

7: Where did the title come from?The original title, “Bye Bye Blackbird,” was a placeholder until I could think of something better. Well. It stuck for almost five years. As mentioned in the first Author’s Note of the first chapter, some people debate the meaning of the song Bye Bye Blackbird and attribute it to a prostitute getting out of the “business.” I thought that interpretation fit, especially with regards to Roderich and Ludwig. I changed the title to “Lost Generation” because I felt it fit the overall story rather than just two of characters. “Lost generation” is a term typically applied to the generation that reached maturity during and after World War I. More generally, it defines a generation coming to maturity during a period of instability. This world was a catastrophic one. Weimar Germany may have looked pretty and fun and fascinating on the surface, but underneath was a whole different story. (Hence Ivan’s line: “This decade’s decadence can not be allowed to last.”). Periods of extreme change are typically followed by a reversal or even a backlash – ::nudge nudge wink wink:: I’m looking at you, America.

8: Did any real people or events inspire any part of it?Uh, yeah. Just crack open a history book, lolz!

9: Were there any alternate versions of this fic?Other than the wild west one that never came to fruition, no.

10: Why did you choose this pairing for this particular story?It’s PruAus. Need I say more? No, seriously – these two dorks are what’s kept me in this fandom for so long.

11: What do you like best about this fic?Character exploration. Ludwig essentially became the main character in this – which was not my original intention – but I felt to get him to the point of wanting to be in the cabaret, I had to develop him more. In the wild west version, Roderich basically tells him “You’re doing this because I said so and I need the money” (again, see “Pretty Baby” Madam Mosebery reference), but I thought it would be more fun to fuck with everyone and throw in those pesky morals.

Also, this fic was completely new to me with regards to world-building, so to help my scattered brain, I collected images from that time period and drew simple layouts for things like Roddy’s and Lovino’s flats because I wanted it to be as believable as possible. Doing that was really fun, especially on the days I didn’t feel like writing but still wanted to contribute to the fic somehow – and it also helped with inspiration.

12: What do you like least about this fic?It. Is. So. Long. I feel I could have edited it better? But I also feel like everything I wrote needed to be included, so….

13: What music did you listen to, if any, to get in the mood for writing this story? Or if you didn’t listen to anything, what do you think readers should listen to to accompany us while reading?I have a Pandora station programmed to Duke Ellington, which plays some great early jazz – and even some modern stuff which is not bad. It was all I listened to when I wrote this. I still listen to it when I write “Contrapasso.”

14: Is there anything you wanted readers to learn from reading this fic?Some people are worth your trust. Embrace who you are. Hiding your Self only creates more problems.

15: What did you learn from writing this fic?That I should have made more of a timeline, lol! I wrote one out, but it doesn’t capture the scope of this fic, like, at all. I usually plan stuff out in my head, but there’s only so much my brain can hold on any given day. I’ve never worked with outlines for stories before, but am slowly changing that. (My timeline for Bewteen the Devil and the Deep Blue Sea is already longer than the one for this fic, jfc.)

[iheartsurveys]

121

Where have you been all my life? Here, there Can you recite the Greek alphabet backwards? Nope. Can't even recite it forward What social networks are you a part of? Well obvs tumblr, Facebook, Twitter, insta, snapchat Which of your fields of interest are you a total expert on? I'm a total expert on nothing lol What is one thing you will never understand? Why some people are so ignorant and close minded Do you blog? You're lookin at it. I actually used to have a Wordpress blog in like high school/early college. I wrote about hockey, inspired by some of my fave hockey bloggers lol no one knows about it and I haven't used it in years but there was a time I was getting like tons of views so that was cool What was the last movie you watched? Idk about movie but I watched a documentary on Netflix about living off $1 a day ^Would you recommend it? Yessss it was so good. The guys that made it also made Salam neighbor, a documentary about a refugee camp in Jordan, which was also really good and insightful, it was on Netflix too not sure if it's still there With whom did you share your last awkward moment? Ummm idk probably just me lol When was the last time you got all dolled up? I went to a bday party a few weeks ago and put myself together Gimme yer best shot and insult me. Go ahead. You suck What do you think makes a person attractive? Sense of humor, intelligence, being polite, a nice smile Out of everyone you know, who has the worst taste in music? One of my roommates senior year listened to some decent stuff that I liked like the Lumineers but she also loved country and like musical soundtracks. I don't mind musicals if it's like hairspray or Grease but that's about it ^How about the best? Britt and I are v similar with our musical interests except I like 1D and she doesn't lolz. Jordan likes 1D and some other artists I like so she's good too Can guys REALLY pull off skinny jeans? Some can What is one thing you missed out on that you wish you hadn’t? Interning in college Are you honest, or more inclined to tell people what they want to hear? Kind of a mix, I think I'm usually more honest though What was the last thing/place you decorated? I rearranged my room a bit and decorated my desk Have you just recently started listening to any new bands? Since I'm def going to firefly I've started perusing some of the other bands on the lineup that I don't know as well as my faves. Today I got into Kaleo How many windows/tabs are open on your computer right now? 0 because it's still dead and I'm using my phone Would you rather date someone really skinny or really overweight? I guess skinny. But that's kind of awk because while I'm skinny/average in ways I wouldn't want my bf to be way skinnier than me Let me in on a little secret of yours. I mentioned the blog earlier, that's all you're getting What is one habit you had as a child? I always sat with my shins/feet under me and my mom would yell at me for it ^Do you still have that habit today? No, sitting on your feet gets uncomfortable when you're older and tall af Is there someone you wish you were closer with? Kind of ^What’s stopping you from being closer with them? Idk. I deleted his number years ago and even though we hung out idk if it'd be normal to steal his number from someone and talk again. Like I guess it'll just happen naturally if we hang out with friends altogether again but 1 on 1 chatting probably won't happen for a while Besides air, what was the last thing you inhaled? Helium Which point in life do you think is hardest? (i.e. childhood, adulthood…) Young adulthood has been a struggle How was life going for you, say, six months ago? Shitty ^Is that the same as today, or have things changed? Some things have changed... I think things are getting better so that's nice What is one opinion you have regarding love? If you think something you're in is one-sided, it probably actually is. Don't try to make something work if you're the only one doing all the work. It can suck letting go especially if you thought you really had something with the other person but dragging along and trying to make it something it isn't is just wasting your time. Who was the last person to make you frown? The caps ^Was anyone able to turn that frown upside-down? My dog What was the last non-papery substance you drew on? Does a canvas count as papery or nah What is one thing you wish you had the courage to do? Not sure Which is bigger: Your iTunes library or your cd collection? Def iTunes... I have like 3 CDs What is your one true weakness? Puppies When is the last time you had hot chocolate? Month or so ago Composition notebooks or spiral notebooks? Why? Spiral just because they're better What is the most bizarre compliment you’ve ever received? Nothing too bizarre comes to mind... Someone on tinder once said that I "look really hot but really short" which is odd because I'm 5'9 and there was a picture of me with my friends who are like way shorter sooo yeah idk it was strange Do you identify more with guys or girls? Girls When someone you know is sad, how do you go about cheering them up? It depends I guess... Usually just listen to them or tell them how great they are Has someone ever accused you of not being creative enough? No Starbucks coffee or Dunkin Donuts coffee? Dunkin Do you crack under peer pressure? Sometimes I have, sometimes I haven't What do you think deserves more attention than it already gets? How sucky DT & his squad of supremacists are What song never fails to get stuck in your head? Totally varies Who is your favorite vocalist? Why? Lana & Ed Sheeran are both amazing What is your most overused emoticon? The laughing crying emoji Do you ever name objects? (i.e. mp3 players, guitars, cars, etc.) My cars When was the last time you had a bagel? Week or two ago Can you lick your own elbow? No What time during the day/night is your mind most active? It always seems like night right before I go to sleep I think about everything What color ink does your favorite pen have? Black What was the last thing you licked? A fork Who was the last person in your bed besides yourself? My dog Can you touch your tongue to your nose? Nope What flavor mouthwash do you use? Some minty teeth whitening one What tends to distract you most? My thoughts Is the perfect man or woman a myth? Nobody's perfect~~~~ How do you feel about Bob Marley? He's alright Let’s end this survey with a smile; tell me something funny. Pass

[supere1113]

The Conflict Within Myself - Track 10: Polaroid

****TRIGGER WARNING****

This post contains some mental health stuff that may be triggering to some readers. Viewer discretion is advised.

The most unfortunate part about experiencing severe mental distress is perhaps the fact that all too often, it leads to someone taking their own life; it leads to suicide. This song is about that, but it moreso explores the in’s and outs of the mentality of suicidality.

Many of the lyrics are on the nose in terms of meaning, and some kinda trigger me still, so I’ll just explain the story behind the song mostly.

All the conflict on this album leads to this moment. In 2017, I had experienced a mental health crisis the likes of which neither my family nor myself had ever experienced before. The Anxiety I had been feeling since the late 2000s grew more severe, literally crippling. The depression that had been a part of my life significantly since 2013 (insignificantly since 2009) had contorted my mind to an unrecognizable mass. The mood swings I had been having since 2014 had intensified to an unimaginable degree. By the time 2017 started, they all had it out for me, so to speak lolz! (humor helps when you’re talking about this) I knew something was up by mid-January, I became even more overworked, even more depressed that by March, for the first time since 2013 when they first appeared, I bagan having suicidal ideations. But this time, they were more incessant and disturbing (listen closely to the bridge of Polaroid. You’ll hear some of the things I heard in my head). I didn’t have much of a will to act on them, but they were wearing me down more rapidly (It’s much like the Titanic disaster! I hit the iceberg in 2009 around the time MJ died, I was slowly sinking from then to 2016, then the flooding accelerated exponentially in 2017! I love Titanic! She’s always there for me, and always knows what I’m going through! (look at my history: there are only 5 Titanic references in my first album because I was holding back... a lot)). As I went further through the second semester of my freshman year, the anxiety often kept me in bed for longer and longer periods of time. The mood swings, homework and guilt from not knowing how to help myself kept me up for hours (longest I stood up for was about 42+ hours or so. I don’t remember for sure lolz!). I looked up self help videos, but I felt they were only addressing the tentacles of a greater octopus I knew nothing about. By early May, I was almost home free from the semester and Logic’s 3rd album Everybody came out the week before Finals. Anticipation for that album (along with others) helped keep me going, honestly, and that album made me a fan for multiple reasons: One, got my attention when he released the title track in like what, March? Then the Diversity of Black SpiderMan gave me hope for the future. Now, I wouldn’t call myself a 1-800 fan because I knew about him before it came out and he sold me with Everybody’s title track a couple months before. However, that song was very timely for me as you might imagine. The track that really honestly single-handedly changed the course of my life was his song, Anziety, right after 1-800-273-8255 on the album. He described his first major panic attack, and I felt like he was saying the words I couldn’t. After hearing Anziety, I finished the semester believing that what I was going through was anxiety. After I got home, I told my mom and she took me to the doctor and his assistant suspected not only severe anxiety, but also quite severe depression (this was the first time someone brought up depression and me in the same breath and I happened to be taking it seriously. It happened one other time in 2015 during an extensive, autistic-friendly IQ test. Neither my mom nor myself put much stock in it. I sometimes wonder what could’ve been had we acted on that advice). I was broken. I thought that I had damaged myself beyond apparent repair with college, and I was given an antidepressant that day. My parents say that it seemed to be making the situation worse, so they took me off of it. I still argued that I needed some sort of serious help, but the most unfortunate thing about this whole predicament is that my parents knew I was hurting, but they didn’t understand the gravity of my situation. Don’t blame them. They thought I was going through a really rough phase. They did the best they could with what little they knew. I try not to hold that against them. No one should. Them not understanding successfully snuffed out any hope I had of being rid of this feeling. My depression got even worse (I’m saying this a lot, aren’t I?), to the point where I was literally suicidal literally almost every day. I felt invalidated, further misunderstood as if being autistic doesn’t already lend itself to that, and I began to seriously question whether God had forsaken me (I’ll say this, even the most passionate christians are subject to doubt in their relationship with God) “Why else would this be happening?” I thought. “This must be where the end of the line is for me.” I even asked God to kill me once because my parents wouldn’t hear me out time and again. The summer of 2017 brought with it many unsuccessful suicide attempts, and countless moments of planning how I would do it. Family vacation to Los Angeles that year was the worst I will ever have. I had to pretend to be okay for a week. Torture. While Titanic was sinking, her older sister Olympic was at sea as well (she even got her sister’s distress call), but she was about 500 nautical miles away from her, and unable to help. My sister got my drift, but she was more than twice that length away from me in grad school when all of this was happening. I can only imagine how hopeless both of them felt about their dying siblings.

The tide began to turn even less in my favor on the fateful day of Thursday, July 20th, 2017 when Chester, the lead singer of my favorite band of all time, Linkin Park, died by suicide (I say “died by suicide” because the word “commit” implies blame and passes unfair judgement on the person who died by suicide; making the assumption that they did that in selfishness, and should be blamed for hurting the ones they love. This is an astronomically misunderstood notion. I’m here to educate people, ya hear?). No single event had been more profound to me since the death of Michael Jackson in 2009. Chester’s death changed me. not only spiritually, but chemically as well. The mood swings I had been having earlier in the year came back with a vengeance. I was already kept awake by my anxiety/depression combo, but now I was barely sleeping at all! My highs were too high, my lows just as too low. I started hearing voices as well. I would even be happy at certain times, but I would be too happy, like inhumanly happy. And mostly, my happiness was fueled by my general acceptance of my despair. unhealthy at best. I went back to school against my will in August, and things only got worse. By October, I was pushed beyond my wit’s end, and I came the closest I had ever come to completing a suicide attempt (I reference the date, October 6th, 2017 in the song). I wrote what I’ll call an anti-suicide note after that attempt, begging my parents to get me a psychological evaluation that would logically lead to me getting the help I needed. ...And I’ll pick this story up later.

Polaroid was the hardest song to write of Conflict, and is also somewhat arguably the hardest song I ever had to write. I did it to give anyone who listens an exploration into the realm of suicidality because it is so misunderstood by so many people, even people who deal with it, and because no one was doing that to this degree (There’s been no shortage of songs on suicidality. However, very few of them peer into what’s going on inside the mind; moreso on the fact that it happened, and how it affected other people and things. The personal perspective is rarely heard from. I like what Evanescence did with Tourniquet, but I wanted to go further and barely reference actions as much as... thoughts. On 1-800-273-8255, Logic touches on the feelings and thoughts of the suicidal, but he provides a way out, thankfully. I wanted to give that very dark state of mind a voice without invalidating it with a happy ending). I wanted to put you, the listener, in a space where you could hear, where you could EXPERIENCE what so many suicidal people do feel/have felt in their heads. I didn’t want to give you an escape route of hope because that would distract from the vision and mission of the song (I could always make a 100% happy song later <3). Plus, I couldn’t write about it while it was happening, not while unaware of all the factors at play. It’s even hard to write about the song.

The title of Polaroid is special (I got into instant photography in early 2015 off the strength of the high I was on after Taylor Swift’s 1989 came out). Originally, I just wanted a song called polaroid on my album because Imagine Dragons had a song called Polaroid on Smoke and Mirrors and I thought it was such a great song name. But as “The Conflict Era” of my life reached its twilight months, another, deeper meaning came to mind. A Polaroid picture is made by light brought in from the camera interacting with chemicals in the Polaroids. Back in their (initial) prime, Polaroids, or Polaroid film, was made with various chemicals, some that are no longer considered safe for the workplace. We all know that, like vinyl records, Polaroids and instant photography as a whole began to almost disappear from the world as the 20th century came to a close. Then in the 2010s, Millennials and Gen Z picked them back up, and those industries followed suit. A key difference between the old polaroids and the new ones however, is that the new ones don’t have the chemicals that are considered unsafe now. When I wrote Polaroid, I found that the title actually is able to be connected with the song’s contents. An unused polaroid if you were to cut it open would be filled with a bunch of chemicals that many of you would find weird and gross if they got on your hands. They would become... undesirable to say the least. You’d almost certainly want to throw it away. When I was experiencing suicidal ideations,on top of everything else I was feeling that I mentioned before, I felt physically toxic, removed from my true autistic self by well-meaning people who encouraged/forced me to discourage my autistic traits and behaviors, and I felt undesirable to all around me, so I wanted to get rid of me, led by my conviction to make the world a better place. Thinking that I, along with all Autistic people and everyone else who felt misunderstood, discriminated against or forgotten, was/were what was wrong with the world, like the Jews were to Hitler. So... I guess Polaroid is also a commentary on the effects that taking someone out of who they are to naturally become can do to a person. Nasty stuff. I once said in a Facebook post something to the degree of, “Don’t remove people out of who they are, because they will remove themselves from here” as in this universe. Dang, that belongs on a shirt.

As with Paranoize is with my anxiety attacks, the story of Polaroid is really an amalgamation of all of my close calls with suicidality, expressed in one event, partly for dramatic effect, and even moreso in an effort to make the songs on this album more universal. The guitar riffs in the intro are like individual suicidal thoughts. It starts with one, then another, and another. Then, all those exponentially grow and become all too heavy for the soul and generally disturbing, like the instrumental gets once the 1st verse hits.

Along with being one of the hardest ever to write, I now think that Polaroid is also one of the best songs I’ve ever written. I think, in a very dark way, it has the whole package of a song of mine. It’s like Evan, but perfectly inverted. Because that’s what I was. Life-loving me, wanting to die. By my own hand. Literally.

The music speaks for itself. As does the rest of the song. Listen to it if you feel so inclined.

And please, stay alive for me. If not, for what you believe. Might wanna watch some Spongebob after reading this; cheer you up a little bit.

I love you. I really do.