#which sarah WOULD KNOW if she actually did RESEARCH

[bookishfeylin]

Seeing some really bad takes about Nesta being locked up in the House of Wind has me typing up a Nesta defense post (I know, I'm surprised too!) and breaking out my notes from my psych clinical rotation because no, YOU DO NOT TREAT ALCOHOLISM BY ABRUPTLY CUTTING SOMEONE OFF FROM ALCOHOL AND LOCKING THEM UP. YOU COULD KILL THEM

[justagalwhowrites]

Lavender - Ch. 28

You get ready to leave the QZ - probably forever. A continuation of Lavender Ch. 1-27 found on Tumblr here.

Pairing: Joel Miller x Reader

Warnings: Canon typical violence. No use of Y/N. Minors DNI 18+ only

Length: 4K

A/N: If you're seeing this and feeling behind, it's probably because I put up two chapters in a day! Go back for chapter 27 first :)

You kept Ellie close, flanked by Joel and Tess as you made your way back across the QZ. They slowed down a bit once there was some distance between you and the Firefly hideout, reassured that FEDRA wouldn’t be showing up at any second to start arresting people. 

You weren’t sure there was a safe way out of this situation. Not that you actually thought Joel would kill a child - you doubted Tess would but didn’t know her well enough to know for sure - but if you managed to slip away, the Fireflies would be after you immediately. 

In a time where you could freely move between cities, you might have taken Ellie to a bus stop or train station and gotten the hell out of there. But the QZ was an immensely finite space. There weren’t many rocks under which to hide. 

“OK,” Tess said, looking between you, Joel and Ellie. “I’m going to check on our path out. Doc, you go do whatever you need to do, be back here in three hours. The kid stays with Joel.” 

“No,” you shook your head. “Ellie stays with me.” 

“Then you stay here,” Tess shrugged. “We’re not about to let our key to a way across country out of our sight.” 

You sighed and turned to Ellie, a hard look on her face, and tugged her into the kitchen. 

“You’re not seriously considering leaving me with these psychos?” She asked, voice low. 

“They’re not bad,” you said. “Joel… he’s a good person, he’s not going to do anything to hurt you. He just might be an asshole.” 

“How much of an asshole,” she narrowed her eyes at you. 

“Enough to be annoying about it, not enough to do any damage,” you smiled. “Promise. But I have to go shower and change and grab some things, if I try to cross the country smelling like this they’re going to throw me out of the car before we even make it to Pennsylvania.” 

“Fine,” she muttered. 

“Try not to poke the bear though,” you said, looking back toward Joel and Tess talking quietly in the living room. “Not worth the hassle.” 

She sighed dramatically in the way that only teenaged girls seemed to be able to do and stomped back to the living room. 

“Back in three hours,” you said. 

“Should probably tell Andrew you’re leaving this time,” Joel muttered, flopping on the couch. 

“Yes, the next time the Fireflies grab me off the street and hold me captive for two weeks, I’ll try to leave a note first,” you snapped. He sat up a bit, looking at you, frowning. “What, did you think I was there on purpose?” 

He settled back into the couch. 

“Figured you and Tommy’d decided to do something stupid,” he replied, looking you up and down. “You OK?” 

You were taken aback by the question. 

“Fine,” you replied. “Just really need a shower. Back soon.” 

The shower might have been cold but it might have been the best one you’d ever had. You took your time, scrubbing every inch of yourself, washing your hair twice. You were shivering when you were done but you knew it was probably the last time you’d be clean for a while, you wanted to take advantage of it. 

You tried to pack as quickly as you could but you took a few minutes to make your bed and clean the glass that Ellie had used two weeks earlier, putting it away. You knew you’d likely never see Boston again, let alone this apartment so you wanted to leave it in a good way. You’d lived here for nearly half your life. It was small, parts were worn, but it had been yours. It was hard to reckon with leaving everything behind. 

You packed some clothes, trauma gear, all the research notes you had about the effective treatment you’d found, water bottles, the book of poetry Beth left you. For the second time in your life, you took the picture of you, Joel and Sarah out of its frame and tucked it into your bag, knowing you likely would never return. You did the same with the pictures of your grandmother and Becca. You got the photo of Joel and Tess out of the notebook in the drawer and tucked it away, too. You grabbed a handful of ribbons that you’d collected through the years, like bringing them meant you weren’t leaving part of yourself behind. You took all the food you could from your kitchen - jerky, dried fruit. Every birth control pill pack and broad spectrum antibiotic you had. Finally, you put the old sweatshirt you’d worn during the outbreak in your bag. You still wore it when you felt lonely, put it on and remembered how you’d felt when Joel had given it to you the day you graduated. You’d been tipsy on champagne and he looked so goddamn proud it made your heart ache. 

You sat at your kitchen table and wrote a short note, the only one you felt you needed to write. “Derek,” you wrote. “I’m sorry for everything that happened. Know that I loved you the best I could and know that you deserve more than that. Thank you for everything.” You put it with the framed photo you had taken of him reading in your apartment. 

Before you took a last look around, you went into the stash below the floorboard and brought up all your extra ration cards and ammunition. Not that you had your gun any more thanks to Marlene but hopefully Joel or Tess could use it. You pocketed some ration cards and put the rest in the bag you usually brought to school, along with the photo, the note and as much of your other research as it could hold before setting off to Andrew’s. 

Elizabeth was shrieking with laughter when you got to their door. You waited a second before knocking, savoring the sound while you could. The thought of never hearing it again put a knot in your throat. You took a deep breath before you knocked. 

There was some chaos on the other side of the door, you could hear Andrew trying to herd his children out of the way, followed by the frantic turning of the deadbolt and him ripping the door open, the knob slamming into the wall as he all but jumped into the hall to hug you. 

“Holy shit I thought you were dead,” he held you tight, backpack and all, crushing you to his chest. You hugged him back, trying to remember what it was like the first time you’d held him. You’d both been so different then - he’d just been a teenager, he’d gotten slightly taller since then. It was hard to think of leaving him behind. 

“I’m sorry,” you said, your voice thick. “I’m really sorry…” 

He stepped back, pulling you inside, looking you up and down. 

“Are you coming back or are you leaving?” He asked. 

“Leaving,” you said quietly. 

“Auntie Doc!” Elizabeth ran over to you, her little bare feet slapping against the linoleum floor. “Did you know that giraffes’ tongues can be 20 inches long? That’s almost two feet!” 

“No way, really?” You smiled, trying not to cry. “That’s so long! What do they do with it all?” 

Jess ran out from the bedroom and hurled herself at you, her red hair flying. You barely caught her. 

“Thank God!” She said tearfully. She clung to you for a second before falling back. “Where the hell were you? We’ve been worried sick!” 

“I know and I’m sorry,” you said. Elizabeth was looking up at the adults, confused. “Can we stash the kids for a minute? I need to talk to you guys.” 

Jess nodded before taking Elizabeth’s hand and scooping up Jonah, setting them up in their room with some toys before closing the door. 

“We’ve got about five minutes before one of them winds up dead,” She said. 

“I’ll try to be quick,” you said, handing the canvas bag to Andrew who took it with a frown. You slid your pack off your back and to the floor before sitting on the couch. He sat beside you.“That’s for you. My apartment keys are in there, too. When you can or want, go take whatever you might like.” 

Andrew looked at you and frowned. 

“You’re talking like you’re not coming back…” 

“I don’t think I am,” you said quietly. 

“No,” he shook his head, looking away from you for a moment before turning back, tears in his eyes. “No, see, we don’t do this. You and me, together, that’s how we do this…” 

“It’s not going to happen this time,” you said. “I have a student, the one I’ve told you about… The Fireflies are taking her across country. Something happened with her and… They think she might be immune.” 

“Immune?” Jess frowned, sinking onto the couch beside her husband. “Like can’t turn?” 

You nodded. 

“That doesn’t make sense,” Andrew said. “That… we’d have seen that by now if it were possible.” 

“That’s where I’ve been the last two weeks,” you said. “She showed up at my house with a half healed bite, I was trying to take her to the clinic to see if I could get the cordyceps out and the Fireflies found us. They’ve been monitoring her for the last two weeks. She hasn’t changed, the cordyceps haven’t advanced. I never got a chance to remove them, they just… aren’t attacking her. They’re bringing her to their lab out west and I’m going with them.” 

“No,” Andrew said again. “Fuck the Fireflies, who the hell knows what they’ll do with anything they get from her…” 

“That’s why I have to go,” you said. “I have to make sure whatever they’re doing they’re doing it right. But more importantly, I have to protect that girl. No one is on her side, Andrew, no one. She has no one. She’s going to vanish and no one is going to notice, they’re all going to assume she fell through the cracks. Someone has to be on her side, she can’t go through it all alone.” 

You didn’t want to give them time to argue. 

“In the bag is all the research I didn’t want to try to haul in the backpack that I might want,” you said. “I’m hoping I’ll have access to a radio so if there’s something I desperately need, I’ll get word to you and you can relay it over. There’s more at my place but it’s even older. I’d appreciate if you could get it and hold onto it for me, though. 

“There’s also something in there for Derek, if you wouldn’t mind dropping it off. Doesn’t need to be soon, whenever you want but I’d appreciate if you waited until I’d been gone for a week or two first. I don’t want him thinking I took off because of him or something. I also put my stash of ration cards in there. I kept some to hopefully bribe someone with if I need to on the way out but the rest are yours.” 

“What am I supposed to do without you?” He asked. 

“I don’t know,” you sniffed, starting to cry. “Let me know if you figure it out because I’m going to be lost without you.” 

He pulled you into a tight hug and you pressed your face into his shoulder. 

“I owe you everything, you know,” you said, voice muffled by his shirt. 

“I wouldn’t be here without you,” he replied, holding you close for another moment before pulling back. “The end of the world fucking sucked but I’ve always felt like it at least got me my wife and my best friend out of the deal. And now you’re leaving.” 

“You’re my family,” you smiled tightly, putting a hand on his knee. “But you’ve got your own family now and you’re doing a hell of a job with them. Keep it up, OK?” 

“Yeah,” he nodded. 

“Never thought I’d get another sister,” Jess sniffed. “But damn, I lucked out.” 

“I never had one to begin with,” you smiled at her. “But if I had, I think she’d have paled in comparison to you.” 

There was a clatter from the bedroom. Jess dried her eyes. 

“Let me get the kids before they hurt themselves,” she said. “You have to say goodbye to them, too…” 

It took everything you had to not cry as Elizabeth babbled to you about giraffes - the animal from today’s science book - and Jonah tugged at your shirt. You hugged them both tightly, told them how much you loved them, tried to cover the feeling of your heart cracking open with longing to hold them just a while longer. 

Andrew walked you to the door, his arm around your shoulders. 

“Even if we never had to save each other, I’d still be so glad we met,” he said. 

“Me too,” you smiled through the tears. 

“I’m just deciding this isn’t goodbye,” he said. “It’s see you later, OK? We’ll see you again. It’s you and me, that’s how we do this.” 

“Yeah, OK,” you laughed a little and he pressed his lips to your forehead. 

“Radio when you make it, OK?” He said. You nodded. “Love you.” 

“Love you, too.” 

The walk to Joel’s felt both too long and too short. You wanted to get your tears under control before you got there but walking through the QZ while crying was a little too vulnerable for your taste. There were still tears in your eyes when Joel opened the door. 

“You OK?” He frowned down at you as you stepped inside. 

You shrugged with a sniff.

“Said goodbye to Jess and Andrew and the kids,” you said softly. “I never thought I’d know when I wouldn’t see them again, you know? At least not for a few decades if we got that lucky.” 

You wiped your eyes on your sleeves. 

“You’re not coming back,” he said it more than asked it. 

“No,” you shook your head. “I don’t think I am.” 

“Doc!” Ellie came out from the bathroom, a proud grin on her face. “I figured out their smuggling code. 80s means trouble.” 

You glanced up at Joel. 

“Bill and Frank?” 

He added once. 

“Shit,” you muttered. 

Tess wasn’t too far behind you, letting herself in just as you’d managed to stop crying. 

“Let’s move.” 

*** 

This girl was going to drive Joel insane. 

She was nosey, a smart ass and too clever for her own good. And she damn well knew it, too. Which only made it worse. 

Thankfully, she seemed to have a modicum of respect for you and actually listened when you told her to be quiet and do whatever Joel and Tess told her to do. 

“They’re pros,” you’d told her as they got ready to leave the apartment. “You’ve got to trust them. Stick close, obey, you’ll be fine.” 

She’d sighed dramatically but seemed to listen, Joel in the lead, the girl behind him, you behind the girl and Tess bringing up the rear. 

He wasn’t huge on any part of this plan. You were a liability outside the QZ. He’d given you a gun and a knife so you weren’t totally unarmed but you were far from a great shot and he wasn’t sure you’d even be willing to shoot or stab anything but an infected. 

And then there was the kid. 

Joel hadn’t been around kids such since… Regardless, he didn’t remember them seeming quite so small or disturbingly fragile. It wasn’t that she was particularly delicate by any means, it seemed like she approached everything that crossed her path the way a freight train would: loudly and head on. It was more that she was inherently breakable, something that was in desperate need of protection. 

Protection that you’d, apparently, decided fell to you from the way you kept close to her. It set Joel’s teeth on edge. You might have been capable of protecting her in the QZ - you had connections, after all, and you could certainly patch her up when she got hurt. He was sure you’d have no problem shouting down some FEDRA asshole on the girl’s behalf. But raiders and infected? Those were another story. 

But he only had to get the two of you across Boston. Then he’d have a car and could go find Tommy. And leave you to the Fireflies. 

He ground his teeth. 

He’d cross that bridge when he came to it. 

He made it to the fence line, ducking under first while Tess held it up for you and the girl to scramble through before following behind. 

“Holy shit,” the kid breathed, looking up as though the sky should be fucking different a few feet outside the wall. 

“Ellie!” You hissed, grabbing her and tugging her down beside you. 

“Sorry,” she winced. “I’ve just never been outside!” 

Joel watched the searchlight and you tugged the girl lower against you as it passed overhead. 

“Go,” Tess ordered once it had cleared. 

He led you along the wall, staying pressed close against it, until they were close to the next gap… and ran almost head first into a guard. 

“Hey!” He yelled, raising his gun. 

“Fuck,” Joel muttered, putting his hands up, trying to maneuver himself in front of you. You grabbed the girl and tucked her behind your body before raising your hands, too. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” The guard snapped. Joel tried to not groan. 

“Look,” he began but he cut him off. 

“Thought I warned you that we were cracking down and now you’re just, what, leading a fuckin’ field trip?” He demanded. 

“This is all just a big misunderstanding,” you smiled a little. “I’m sure we can work it out…” 

“Did I tell you that you could fuckin’ talk?” The man pointed his gun at you. Joel’s jaw twitched. 

“If you just want to give me a second,” your voice was calm. “There are some cards in my back pocket. I’m going to get them out, you can have them, they’re yours, OK?” 

The man paused, gun still pointed at you. 

“Let’s seem ‘em,” he said. 

Joel glanced back at you as you moved slowly, just one hand, and pulled out a wad of cards, approaching the guard slowly and handing them over. You stepped back, glancing behind you as you did, lining yourself up with the girl, staying in front of her. 

“Thanks,” he pocketed them. “For that, I won’t kill you.” 

“What more do you fuckin’ want man?” Tess asked. “Let us do this run and we’ll give you half.” 

“Need a lot more than fuckin’ half if you want me risking my neck for you assholes,” he snapped. “Turn around, down on your knees, hands on your head, let’s go.” 

You looked at Joel, your eyes wide. Your head moved, ever so slightly, once. A shake. For some reason, this was a bridge too far.

“You can have it all,” he said quickly. “All the cards from this run, they’re yours.” 

“I said down on your fuckin’ knees!” The gun was up. 

“Alright, Jesus,” Tess muttered, turning around and looking to you and Ellie. “Just get down…” 

You and the girl shared a look as you got to your knees and Joel followed, watching you out of the corner of his eye. 

“I know a lot of high up people in FEDRA here,” you said as the man went to Tess. “Want a nice, cushy gig? I can make that happen…” 

“Yeah I bet you fuckin’ can,” he scoffed. “Crawling out of the QZ like a fuckin’ rat screams power…” He pressed his scanner to Tess’ neck. 

“Seriously?” She snapped. “We were coming from inside…” 

“Unauthorized exit,” he showed her the screen. “That’s a hanging offense.” 

“Pills,” Joel said quickly. “Half off.” 

“All off,” the man countered. 

“I’m a doctor,” you said quickly. “You won’t even need to wait for them to do a run, I’ll get you as many as you want, I’ve got access…” 

The scanner pressed to Joel’s neck. 

“Two for two,” he shook his head. “Not lookin’ too hot for the field trip…” 

He scanned you next. 

“Looky here,” he turned the scanner around. “Unauthorized. Exit. Hope your powerful friends are free to bail you out…” 

“Name it,” you said quickly, pleading. “I’ll give you whatever you want…” 

He pressed the scanner to the girl’s neck and she screamed, leaving him yelping in pain, clutching his leg. 

You moved quickly, twisting and grabbing the girl, all but throwing her behind you as you scrambled to your feet and the guard yanked a knife from his leg. 

“Fucking bitch!” He raised the gun. 

Joel jumped between you and the guard. 

“She’s freaked out, I’m sorry,” you said quickly. “It’s a misunderstanding, it’s all a misunderstanding. I can still get you whatever you want, I can get you more cards, I can get you pills…” 

“No, fuck you,” he snarled, pressing forward. 

“We can work this out,” Joel kept his hands up, glancing behind him. Your eyes were wide, the girl peering over your shoulder. Your arms were behind you, trying to hold her back as you shielded her. He looked back at the guard. “Just put the gun down.” 

“I don’t fuckin’ think so.” 

The man’s finger twitched toward the trigger and, for half a moment, it was 20 years ago. He was holding Sarah. He was scared. He needed to protect her. Life without her wasn’t worth it, he needed to keep her safe. 

He lunged for the guard before he was fully aware of what he was doing, knocking the gun aside and bringing his fist down on the man’s face again and again and again. 

There was something deeply satisfying about it, raining blows down on the man who would have killed Sarah, just tried to kill you, just tried to kill the fragile girl whose body you were protecting with your own. This time, he wasn’t failing. This time, he was doing what was needed. 

“Joel!” Your voice snapped him back to reality, the man’s face a bloody mass below his hand. 

The girl was leaning behind you, watching him intently. He looked back at the man, his hand covered in his blood. You darted forward, putting one hand gently on his back, the other taking his bicep, tugging him slowly to his feet. You pulled his hand into yours, looking at his bloody knuckles.

“Come on,” you said quietly. “I’ll take a better look when we’re clear…” 

He nodded to you once. You got to your knees and checked the guard’s pulse, wincing after a few seconds. Joel took the gun from the ground. 

“Joel!” Tess yelled, panic in her voice. She was holding up a red scanner. 

“No,” the girl shook her head and you ran past Joel so fast you were barely a blur, throwing yourself between Tess and the girl. 

“Are you fucking kidding me, Doc?” Tess snapped. “You’ve got me hauling an infected girl out of the goddamn QZ! You have us risking our asses for this?” 

“I’m not infected!” The girl said, slipping below your arm and holding out her own. “Look, I got bit weeks ago, OK? Weeks, no one lasts that long…” 

“It’s true,” you said quickly. “It’s true, she came to me two weeks ago and it was already a week old then, Marlene got us and held us another two weeks, I saw all of it, I swear she’s not infected I don’t know what it is…” 

“I should fucking kill you both!” Tess snapped. 

“Then let’s do it away from here before more guards show up!” You said quickly, putting the girl behind you again. “Tess, you know me. I wouldn’t do this if I didn’t have a reason, do you think I’d leave everything here if I didn’t have a reason?” 

She panted for breath, staring you down. 

“Let’s move before we have more fucking problems,” she snapped, stalking for the fence, Tess ducking below first. You nudged the girl behind her and you stopped, looking back at Joel, waiting for him. He came and stood beside you, his mouth a grim line. 

“I promise there’s a reason,” you said softly. “I promise.” 

He gave you a single nod. You ducked below the fence and he followed you and the girl into the dark.

A/N: And we say goodbye to Boston and the Boston OC crew! I hope you enjoyed Andrew and Jess at least half as much as I have. Andrew quickly went from a small side character to probably the second favorite character I've ever written. It's the only reason he survived the run with Tess and Joel - I couldn't handle killing him!

I'm really looking forward to exploring some of the dynamics of these characters in the next chapter and, of course, some fun with infected - with some added drama on the books because why not.

I have a taglist! If you'd like to be added, comment below.

Thank you again for reading! I know I say this all the time but this has been such a joy in large part because the readers are such a joy. Thank you thank you thank you for this experience. Love you all!

Taglist: @paleidiot@ayamenimthiriel@ginger-swag-rapunzel@drewharrisonwriter@flugazi @pedropascalsbbg@taoyuji@starstruckmusiciansartghost@splendsay@bigboiseason123@jpbplvr @ashleyandring @mrsyixingunicorn10@sloanexx@ninaminaromina @lady-bellyn @hufflepuffriver @sarap-77 @storyarcscribe @mellymbee @jasminedragoon @lemonmeli @reds-ramblings@arizonadaydreamer@mumma-moonchild@blackroseguzzi@candypeaches16@kittenlittle24@wrappedinfiction@oatmeaiboy

[nerdieforpedro]

The Long Road to Together

Tommy Miller x Original plus size female character (Velora)

Fanfiction 18+

Masterlist

Warnings: Angst, Fluff, drug addiction mention, pain management, anxiety, PTSD, mentions of death, possible dub con (maybe), body worship, Tommy Miller's dirty talk, fingering, oral sex (female receiving), P in V (practice safe sex everyone), pregnancy kink, domestic fluff, cheesy jokes

Summary: Velora has been apart of the Miller brothers' lives decades. She's particularly close to Tommy. They've shared countless memories with each other over the years and in a single night everything changes. If only they'd get out of their own way.

Notes: So, I put many subjects and themes I've wanted to write about in here. It should make sense, I had the wonderful @musings-of-a-rose beta it for me and as a fellow Tommy fan, I trust her. I did also add a subplot with Joel because, why not try one out? I really enjoyed this and for Tommy's character. I have a different take on him.

Word count: just under 16K (because Tommy's worth it!)

“You got anything for a bad back?” 

“Nothing that will actually take care of the pain. Best I can promise you is to dull it. You need to go see a specialist, Joel.”

“That sounds like it’s gonna take time I don’t have. You know I gotta…”

“Yeah, I know. Just let me know what appointments they have and I’ll see what my shifts are like old man. You can’t be folding over when Sarah’s just getting into high school. There will be boys there!” 

A slap was heard to Joel’s shoulder and he winced, letting out a curse as he hunched over further at his desk. The stress of running the business by himself was getting to him. Tommy had taken a sabbatical as he called it, the timing had been pretty poor. Thankfully, he had a woman who he considered a little sister to help him out. Her father had been friends with theirs and they always hung out together as children. In middle school, the family moved away for a time, but returned while the Miller brothers were in the middle of high school. Velora had just started high school and looked similar to how she did now, telling dumbass jokes, finding a reason to smack Joel and always being supportive. 

He organized the files that he would need for tomorrow and in particular, permits needed for a job the company would be starting on a ranch outside of Austin. Rebuilding a stable wasn’t too out of their depth, Joel just needed to research more on the permits required which he did, but damn if all the reading was making his head hurt even with his glasses on, add his back pain to that and he was miserable. He missed riding horses, but not so much he was willing to risk not being able to move for a few days. Velora had taken over administrative tasks that Tommy normally did as he was better at it and knew how to navigate the different offices they normally had to deal with the state and city, he was also much better at schmoozing suits and the like than his grumpy self. Velora helped out on her days off in between her shifts at the hospital. She sent Joel off for the evening and put away files that the elder Miller brother had taken out for review. 

“He’s got to learn to put this stuff back. Otherwise he’s never going to find anything.” Velora griped, she wore gray capri leggings because they were easy to move in and matched her white t-shirt. Usually she would dress a bit better for the office in case Joel brought any clients by, but he had been out most of the day, leaving her to get phone calls, further organize items and files. She was also trying to understand Tommy’s organization system which even though he had explained it over the phone twice, she still didn’t understand. “He’s been gone three weeks, like I get it but also I still don’t get what I’m looking at. It’s not even organized by color, number or alphabet, what the fuck is this?” Her brain hurt trying to work out the system. She thought Tommy had mentioned to her that it was by the date they took the client on, but there was no distinction between finished jobs and complete ones as those were mixed in and with different dates. “I feel like he could tell me five more times and I wouldn’t get it.” Shaking her head, she put the files where she thought they went near the front of the file cabinet and locked up the office, heading out to her car and driving home. Once in front of her small two bedroom, one and a half bath house, she sighed, happy to be home. She had a shift again tomorrow, but hopefully Joel would actually look for an appointment. Icy hot, tiger balm and heat packs could only do so much. Velora understood why Joel didn’t want to go to a pain clinic, he’d have to tell them about his past addiction issues with alcohol and it may affect his treatment plan, hell with some doctors, they just keep recommending tylenol and ibuprofen when that clearly hasn’t been working for him. He needed good pain management.

Kicking off her shoes, Velora flopped back on the couch and started at the ceiling. It was 8:30 at night. Too early to go to bed and too late to start any shows or movies.

“Where are you Tommy Miller?”

Elsewhere in the world…

The grass was crisp under his feet, the sun had just set not too long ago as he walked back down to the rock outcrop overlooking the rolls of green grass he had seen earlier that day. He couldn’t sleep again. The younger Miller brother had been worried about his brother Joel. He knew he didn’t deal too well with people even with Velora helping him. But he would text Joel later and maybe give Velora a call. There was more he needed to discuss with her than anyone else.

It had been seven years. They seemed to have passed by in a blink of an eye. Tommy recalled first joining the US Army, doing his patriotic duty and a way to use up the excess aggression he had from not really knowing where he was going next in life. At first it was fine, basic training then he was assigned to a platoon where he got to know other soldiers. It was when he was assigned to the 1st Armored Division that his optimism started to wear thin. His core group consisted of himself and five other members; they actually made it through Operation desert storm. What he saw there, the things he did, he never spoke about them except with the group and one person removed from the war. But the bodies, the smells, the tastes,, the sounds all of it overloaded everyone. Each man had their own way of dealing with it. One of the group was dishonorably discharged for using heroin he found overseas, but the Army never said what they did with the rest of it after removing it from belongings. He wasn’t the only one they confiscated it from, anyone who had it was dishonorably discharged but it was never made public what happened with the drugs. It was also never mentioned in great detail what they did to the country of Iraq. No one ever mentioned completely decimating and crippling a country, nearly burning it down to its foundation only for the same people who supplied the Army’s weapons and gear to switch profit off of a land that they aided in destroying. 

Tommy left the army after seven years of service, thankfully his brother allowed him in the construction company to work so he wouldn’t go completely insane. But his ‘Ironsides’ members weren’t so lucky. One died from an opioid overdose, another from drunk driving and two from suicide by gunshot. None of the funerals were covered fully by the VA, each family only received $1500 toward burial costs, but had full honors with all the pomp and circumstance. The two cousins in their group asked to have their ashes spread to their home which was Ireland, the only reason the veteran came to this place. It was beautiful though he had to admit. He may want to bring Joel and Sarah here, his brother would complain the entire time but he may get a grin out of it and Sarah would enjoy exploring the land. The younger Miller wondered if he should ask Velora to come too, she wasn’t one for the cold, but may like the greenery too. Watching his oldest friend muddle around the hilly terrain would be fun, he could steady her, show her the lakes and watch the sunset with her. Tommy felt he may not have cried as much if his Sweet Pea was here, she could crack a joke or just let him hold her, rock him  slowly as his head was on her shoulder. 

With two urns, one under each arm, Tommy carefully set one down and opened one, pouring the ashes out to scatter across the cool breeze that was blowing. He did the same with the second urn, waiting until another wind could carry the ashes away. Tommy had taken more time then he told Joel and Velora he would be gone, he didn’t mean to stay longer. It was just easier, he could work though his emotions more and not risk breaking down in front of them, though that had failed with Velora the night he told her he was going to spread that ashes per his brothers-in-arms wishes. 

Four weeks ago…

He had mentioned it like he was going to the store. She had asked him to explain and he didn’t. Tommy wasn’t going to until she pulled him into a hug. He didn’t realize it at the time, but tears had been running down his face. He remembered the warmth of her embrace and settled into the couch with her, almost laying on top of her to cuddle. She just ran her fingers through his hair, they didn’t say anything to each other, he tried to make as little noise as possible while sobbing. Her red shirt she had been wearing was soaked with his tears. Velora never mentioned his crying when he followed her to the bedroom and demanded to sleep next to her, promising to only hold her hand. She had smiled and told him it was fine if he needed more from her, to take what he needed. No matter if it had been money, time, food or those three DVDs he never returned, his old friend never complained. Velora would just smile and tell him it was okay. Even when Joel would get pissed with Tommy about the direction the company was going in to missing a game or two of Sarah’s (he really tried not to but sometimes the suits at the city were really long winded and insisted on drinks),  Velora would be there in his stead for his niece and tell him play by play as much as she could of the game when she would stop by in the evening. The veteran recalled that the night had been humid, despite the fan running, moisture stuck to their skin. Velora was in her simple thin nightgown and Tommy just wore his boxer-briefs to bed. 

Tommy may have took that a few steps too far. 

The night began with him holding her hand, that was fine for a time but, then he took her into his arms from behind, drawn to her soft curves that accommodated his taut muscles. The delicate oche tone of her skin glowed within the moonlight. It was when he kissed the back of her neck and his hand went to her breasts that she pulled away from his touch slightly,

“Tommy…don’t play around and go to sleep.” He heard her say, he couldn’t make out the inflection of her voice. His friend’s hips wiggled toward him, his free hand grabbed her hip, pulling it toward him.

“I’m not Sweet Pea. I need to touch you more, just let me, just for tonight.” A growl emerged from his chest, his teeth grazed her shoulder before nipping her lightly. Her gasps encouraged him further, she never said it, but a small smile always came to her lips when Tommy called her that. 

“Alright, but just…ah..” Velora wasn’t given a chance to finish her sentence. Her breast was plopped out of her nightgown as his hips grinded into hers. Tommy kept calling her his sweet pea in her ear and she reached a hand back to try and reach his cock, to feel it. “J-Just put a condom on and stick it in…” An order that Tommy wasn’t willing to follow right now, instead he pulled away from her, quickly slipped his boxers off and turned Vel on her back. “W-What are you doing? Why didn’t you just-” The nightgown she had on was over her head, the veteran hovered over her, he knew she would be angry but he would not fuck her the first time. Maybe the second time but not the first. Tommy had already planned other times he may bend her over. He wanted to make love to her in this moment, subsequent encounters could be messy and quick but the younger Miller brother wanted to savor her body as Velora was now, only for him..

“You told me to take what I needed.” His mouth took her erect nipple and large chocolate areola into his mouth, hearing her scream the first time convinced him that this was right. Her hands ran through his then medium length raven hair, tugging on it, his chest pressed into her stomach, sinking in it. The sensation had him grunt onto her nipple, rolling it with his tongue, his legs wrapped around her calf, his length dragging against her leg. Her body continued to writhe under his, his face soon in between her breasts nuzzling the sensitive skin between. Velora was looking down at him, panting, surprise on her face. She hadn’t expected him to fully undress her nor to try to explore her. “Velora,” Tommy paused and peered up at her, “I need all of you, so I’m going to take it all. Are you alright with that Sweet Pea?” He asked, moving upward and settling himself between her wide thighs. He wasn’t going to enter her yet. However, though she did spread her legs for him, Tommy closed her thighs around his waist so he could feel their soft embrace. 

“Yes, I told you to take what you need. I didn’t quite expect this way though.” Her digits danced along his bellybutton, then his stomach, not as firm as his military days, but still tight enough to display an ab or two. The pads of her fingers circle his nipples, small but at attention, all for her right now. “You don’t have to be gentle either Tommy. I’m here with you, for you. Just let go.”

“Sweet Pea, I want to be careful with you. You deserve that, always you hear?” Descending, he felt her heartbeat against her chest with his, glad to know he wasn’t the only one feeling like it might burst. “Give me your love Vel.” Lips crashed together, he bit her bottom lip, drawing a sliver of blood. He just said he’d be gentle but it was overwhelming, one of his hands took the back of her head and forced it forward, deepening the kiss, Vel mewled into his mouth and pressed her feet into the mattress to help move her hips forward, she felt the throbbing of Tommy’s cock just above her folds, a hand came between her and the velvet skin. Two fingers parted her lower lips and a squeal was heard when he released her head and it fell on the pillow. “Not yet Vel, gonna eat that dripping pussy.” He meant to use sweet words with her, that’s what she should be hearing, his Sweet Pea. Sliding back down, Tommy hoisted her thighs on his shoulders, giving each a small peck and pulling them so she could only see his hair for a small part of his forehead. When he spoke directly into her mound, he heard her say it,

“Fuck Tommy, make me cum. Sop my pussy up with your mouth!”

The younger Miller brother smacked his lips. “I’m going to have to see how dirty I can get you to talk Sweet Pea.” His nose ran up her slit, taking in her strong scent, he caressed her opening with his plush lips before slipping his tongue inside, rotating his the tip of his oral muscle was causing her cunt to quelch already, he then inserted it centimeter by centimeter , reveling in her screaming his name. His length continued to throb but his goal was to have her climax before entering her. The waves of contractions inside of her canal was constricting his tongue, he longed to have his cock inside of her, to have her continue to cry out his name while he could watch her face unravel. The pressure on the sides of his head increased as her large thighs pressed together in an effort to keep him right where he was, not that Tommy had plans to be anywhere else. His nose tickled her clit and provided a particularly strong clamp down from her. So he set his elbows against the mattress and forced his face against her mound, holding his breath as he used his nose and mouth to make her climax. With alternating curses, calling on the Lord and Tommy’s name, Velora reached her peak, the soldier was able to at least draw his face back a little before suckling on her clit, overloading her body, making it jerk. Tommy managed to inhale deeply, satisfied that his face was soaked with her scent and nectar. He ran two fingers through her cunt and brought them to her mouth. “Suck on them with that loud filthy mouth on yours. Turns out I needed this side of you love.” 

Her warm tongue quietly took her own juices from Tommy’s fingers, after they were clean, he got up from the bed and rummaged through his jacket and found a condom. He looked up at Velora who was turned on her side toward him, the easy shine of their affection for one another draped her body. Her curves and stretch marks on full display, ‘she’s mine’ he decided. ‘No one else’s, I’ll make damn sure of it.’ He crouched down next to the bed, meeting her at eye level, “Velora, you’re sure you’re alright with this next part?” He needed to know. They were friends first and foremost and he respected her boundaries, except tonight of course, but he wanted to make sure she was really okay with it. The woman nodded and took his hand in hers. 

“Tommy Miller, get in this bed and make love to me. You said you wanted my love. I’m giving it to you. Come to me.” She got up on her knees and held onto the headboard to keep herself from tipping over back onto the bed. “I told you to let go. Just have me. Please.” It was the look she gave him, so permissive and delicate. His arms wrapped around her once more as he kissed her, not deeply just to touch his lips against hers. Their foreheads touched and he met his nose with hers. 

“Velora, you’re a hellova woman.” Tommy smirked and laid her back, moving her toward the middle of the bed. He was in between her thighs once again as she opened herself before him. As he rolled the condom on his length, he marveled at her body; wide, tender, subdued and hushed for him, she bit down on her lip to quiet herself, presumably because he had mentioned volume and word choice. Tommy didn’t want her to quiet down now. He wanted her to go hoarse from calling his name, from what he did to her. Leaning forward, he pressed his tip into her folds, releasing himself and using both hands to cup her face, his thick fingers massaging her the top of her jaw, just under her ears, “Look at me Sweet Pea. Open your mouth, I want you to use those lungs.” A short nod from her was all it took, his hips eased forward and back easily for the first few pumps, only going in half way, keeping his eyes locked on hers as she cried out, 

“Oh…oh..fuck Tommy, you’re…spreading…me…” Velora whimpered, her thighs began to close again and his hands had to move to keep them open. His rhythm picked up as his elbows made contact with her knees pulling her legs back toward her chest and curling her body for a deeper angle, the pace picked up as he was now diving his cock fully into her flush with her mound and pulling back until only the head of length was inside of her. It was difficult, he could barely speak because her cunt kept sucking back in deeper, the slapping of their skin filled the room. Tommy raised one of her legs and turned his head to bite her calf, then licking it after, tracing his tongue over his teeth marks.

“This pussy is mine Sweet Pea, you won’t fit anyone else Vel. Goddamn you tight as a vice woman…” He murmured into her leg, pounding into her, he felt the pulse of his hardness growing closer to completion. Velora reached for Tommy, her arms stretched outward toward him, he dropped her legs and grabbed her love handles, continuing to roll his hips into hers. His forearms were scratched by her nails, leaving red marks on his olive skin. “Velora, you hear me? This cunt is mine only mine. Say it Sweet Pea.” A command with her pet name. It pushed her over the edge, 

“Shit yes, yes yes yes Tommy, my pussy’s just for you. Tommy Ahh!” Her neck flicked back as her walls closed around his heat, he was able to push into her six or seven more times before he released inside of her. The veteran didn’t pull out yet, dropping himself slowly on top of her plush form and ran his nose over her lips that were slightly parted, there was droop at the corner of her mouth, her eyes had tears dotting them, his large hand cupped her cheek against and tipped her face forward so her neck was no longer bent. “T-Tommy…T-Tommy that was…I…” Her quiet words expressed what he couldn’t. 

What has he done with his best friend? They’ve crossed a major line. He was worried that when they came out of this, she wouldn’t speak of it, like other insecurities and issues that he had told her about over the years. She never shied away from listening to his thoughts, however intrusive and depressive. But he didn’t want to be this vulnerable with anyone else. Even with other women he dated, there was always a barrier that he put up as far as feelings. They always told him he hid behind his humor and sarcasm. Tommy knew he did, but the one person he was always comfortable with was Velora, was he the same for her? He realized he had never asked, not that she didn’t share her own issues with him, but she didn’t talk about men she dated with him so much. Not that he encouraged it, he never wanted to hear about her dating life, no one would be good enough for his Sweet Pea, was he even good enough for her?

“Valora, rest. I’ll be right back.” A peck from his lips to hers before he slid out of her and got out of the bed. He went to the bathroom to dispose of the condom. Looking in the trash can, he scoffed at the loss, ‘should be inside of..’ before he could finish the thought, he cursed himself. Tommy knew he needed to stop, they hadn’t even had a conversation about what they just did, he was thinking about putting his seed inside of her?! “Fuck, I’m insane…” Shaking his head, he grabbed a washcloth out of her bathroom and returned to the bed, Vel had rolled on her side and was attempting to sit at the side of the bed, “Let me clean you up first, take it easy.” he brushed the back of his hand on the copper toned flesh of her hip. He tapped the washcloth on her thigh as she raised her leg and he held it for her, wiping front to back before tossing it on the dresser, knocking over a lotion bottle or two.

“Tommy, why would you throw it?” She asked, chuckling, ‘thank God, she still laughs. That’s good.’ His eyes went from her face to her slit, despite wiping it down it was still glistening, he licked his lips before setting her leg back down and letting her pull on his shoulder to sit up next to him at the bedside. Velora looked forward for a few minutes before speaking again. 

“Did you take all you needed lucky beetle?” She kept turned away from him. “Thanks for cleaning me up Tommy. We should head to…” his hand ran up her spine.

“We’re not doing anything until we talk about this. Vel, I…I want to..” She kissed his cheek and told him words that devastated him.

“This should be between us like always. I won’t ask you for anymore. We’re just- just friends. I hope I was able to help you some. We don’t have to talk about it.” The younger Miller brother remained silent as she wobbled to the bathroom to relieve herself, she closed the door. In his disappointment, he quickly threw his clothes on and dressed, leaving her home and hopping into his truck. A deep wail came from Tommy before he started the engine and drove home, he laid awake and slept through his alarm the following day. Within the week he was off to Ireland to distribute the ashes, he said he would be gone for a week, week and a half tops. He was gone for about three weeks.

Velora’s tears streaked her face in her bathroom. She should have told him that yes, she wanted her cunt to be just his. For him to only be with her and no one else, but she couldn’t. She knew how Tommy gets when he’s sad or frustrated by something he can’t control. That’s when he’d normally find a woman to fuck. She’d used it to her advantage, granted she didn’t think it would happen, it never had before. The woman wore the same nightgown she had before, bland panties, they cuddled like they normally did. He liked to be the big spoon. She knew she shouldn’t have given in, but it was Tommy, her Tommy. She’s known him for more than half her life, tried to date other men but they flat out don’t compare or worse, they actually suck. She couldn’t tell him that it was the first time she had sex fully naked and the lights on, that he asked to see her face and took the time to prep her before entering her. God he used the mouth that she dreamed about on her, just thinking about it now…She should have let him finish. But she was afraid he’d say it first…that it should be another thing between friends. The way she heard him hastily dress and run out of her house told her, she had done to him what men had done to her in the past: dismissed his feelings.

In the time he was gone Sweet Pea tried to go on dates, but she couldn’t stand the touch of another man, even from a side hug she flinched. Whoever said the best way to get over a man is by getting under a new one was wrong. She can’t even be near a new one.

Two days before arriving home…

Joel had spoken to Tommy two days before the latter’s flight home, asking what the hell he did to make V go on so many dates. Tommy was curious how his brother knew the information given that he didn’t think they spoke about subjects like that. Joel said that he heard it from Tess, Joel’s off and on again, whatever she was. That was an entire bag of worms he wasn’t getting into. At least his relationship with Velora wasn’t like that…but it could be. They started out as friends and now those two assholes can’t be in the same room without eye-fucking each other or cursing up a storm. Tommy explained that they had a miscommunication when he last spoke to her and that’s why they were unusually curt with each other on the phone. Joel gave it some thought, sure he was closer to forty-five than forty, but nah, Tommy wouldn’t have right? Not with…

“Tommy you didn’t sleep with V did you? Tell me you didn’t.” Tommy could hear Joel’s head droop. Damn him and using the same disappointing voice he uses when Sarah talks a bit too much trash at soccer and makes one of the girls on the other teams cry. 

“We sleep over each other’s homes fairly often after we hang out. I told you, it’s just..”

“Goddammit Tommy! You can’t do that shit, especially not to her. You know you can’t cut her out of your life like you do other women. I told you this shit would come back to bite you in your ass like a snake in a hole.” His older brother's condemnation of his actions past and present made Tommy suck his teeth.

“This from the guy who keeps holding on to a woman who only uses him for a few good times and disappears for months at a time. Fuck, she’s one who told me we’re not going to talk about it. Still be friends. What the hell else was I supposed to do? I took some extra time, what’s wrong with that?”

“The difference is I know what my relationship with Tess is, you asshole. You slept with a woman who’s been there for you through all your shit. I know you made it about you. It wasn’t about her at all, was it?”

Silence…his brother had him there. At the time, it hadn’t been about her, he even used the fact that she said he could use her however he wanted to do exactly that. Tommy exhaled.

“Then what the hell am I supposed to do now? I’ve already blown everything to shit. She’s doing the same thing I would, getting out there and meeting some guys. Why’d you have to tell me you asshole? I fuckin’ hate it…she’s out with some bastard who won’t even….”

“Eh, I don’t need details of what ya’ll did. And it’s not really going that well. She told Tess that she freaks out when the guys try to touch her, even holding her hand. It’s all for show, guess trying to prove something to herself. Both of ya are a damn pair.” Joel chuckled on the line, the first time during their conversation. Tommy followed suit and a low rumble of laughter. 

“We’re two people who make shitty ass decisions. Just, see if Tess can get her to hold off ‘till I come home. I know her, it’s only making things worse and she’s going to be in head about it. All of it.”

“Yeah, on that same token little brother, get your head out of your ass and talk to the woman. Velora deserves that much at least. You’ll have to get her to listen tho’. I don’t think she’ll be keen on ya right now.”

“Shut up and just pick me up at the airport in a few days. Bring Sarah, I miss my cute niece.”

“Don’t tell me to shut up and then mention my daughter. I shouldn’t bring her just to spite ya. But she wants to ses you too. Loves your stupid ass. I guess you’re a’right at times Tommy. Take care, I gotta go to bed.”

“Lucky you. You can sleep. I’m just awake for no damn reason. You aren’t the worst big brother. See you in a few days.” 

The brothers smiled as they ended their calls. Joel trotted upstairs and kissed Sarah goodnight as she was already in bed. She stirred slightly and a smile formed on her face at her father’s warmth. One of the few times Joel didn’t look like he was completely over everything was whenever he gazed upon his daughter, his only light. 

It was 3:15 am where Tommy was packing up most of clothes, he had brought a backpack and a duffle bag that was significantly lighter now that the two urns weren’t in it, plus he wouldn’t need to check his bags this time so he might get through their airport quicker and get home. He went out into the cold night air with his coat on, hands in his pockets and hair tied back. The puffs of hot hair leaving his nose made him chuckle, he thought of her again, hoping that she hadn’t had too many dates in his absence but some to make her feel better. He didn’t want them to have gone well of course, but if she has the dates that’s fine. Joel wasn’t wrong, he did need to speak to her when he got back, he just had no clue what to say. 

Sorry for fucking you? Sorry for telling you that I don’t want anyone else to see you like this? That I’m especially sorry for not doing this years ago when I first realized that my feelings for you went deeper than that of a friend and maybe sabotaged some of your dates, sent messages from your phone and comforted you when the guys of course stopped communicating with you. Thankfully I only did that a few times before you caught me and told me to just tell you if I thought a guy was trash. I brushed you off because I would tell you they were all trash, but I knew I was garbage too because I was still fucking around, so i couldn’t tell you that. I didn’t have the right. Actually, that might be why you said what you did that night, you knew I didn’t have the right to you. I used you once again and why should I feel like I’m entitled to more? Just because of how you said my name, how you seemed surprised when I wanted to see you and hold you, how good you felt in my arms, how happy I am when I’m in yours…I’ve really screwed the pooch on this one. 

The short walk and the cold air gave Tommy pause as he found himself at the same rocky outcrop that he had spread the ashes over. “Had I asked, you would have come with me. I should have just asked…I have to tell you sorry in person, Sweet Pea.” The stars were hanging in the sky, twinkling at the haunted man. He began slowly back to his cabin and was finally able to sleep, there was no one to hold him when he shed his tears that night.

Velora had tears of a different nature, she was able to finally kiss one of her dates, it was a fair kiss, definitely not like her one with Tommy. She compared him with everyone now that she had a taste of him. Her date suggested that they go back to his place to which she declined, there was no spark, no longing, no anticipation. The man was good looking, could put sentences together, paid for dinner, seemed nice, no real reason to not try him out except he wasn’t Tommy Miller. He didn’t have his dark hair, deep brown eyes, that goofy looking mustache that tickled her tummy, his cinnamon skin or velvet voice. This man was none of those things and it wasn’t his fault. It was hers for agreeing to this date. Vel’s friends were proud of her for getting out there and exploring her options, but she was going through the motions, no matter if it was work, helping out Joel and Sarah or just moping at home, it was all hollow. The man walked her to her car, to which she thanked him for the date and drove home. 

Once home, she hopped in the shower and wash the date away, scrubbing her inner thighs especially as he had tried to finger under the table, but seemed to have difficulty navigating her large thighs, she couldn’t tell if he just hadn’t been with a larger woman or was out of practice in general. Velora got out of the shower, dried off and brushed her teeth, using extra mouthwash, she didn’t want to taste that man at all. 

Sitting on the bed, she looked at herself in the mirror, wrapped in her towel. This was the room she was taken by Tommy or more apt, she offered herself to him. Happily. The circles under her eyes were darker and she chuckled, it’s not the first time she had cried over Tommy Miller, but it was usually because he had done something stupid and not the other way around. It was enough to keep that man in a place that would freeze a witch’s tit an extra week and a half. 

He may have told me that he wanted to be friends with benefits or maybe that he actually had feelings for me, but I didn’t let him talk. These men aren’t Tommy and it’s not their fault. I should have told him years ago but I didn’t want to lose him as a friend. Tommy, Joel and Sarah are family and I just couldn't…I still may lose them anyway. I shouldn’t have told Tess why I was crying and dating. She likely told Joel and…would he know? Is that why Tommy hasn’t come back yet? My head hurts. I feel like shit. Tommy’s the only one that looked at me like that, he touched me from head to toe and told me that I was only his. It was likely just dirty talk but still, it was nice to hear. Pfft, just nice? It was what I’ve always wanted to hear. I just didn’t want to be second anymore…Second to his grief, to his anger, pain and second to whoever the flavor of the month was. I’m tired of being second, I want to be first.

Vel laid across her bed and started at the ceiling, her tears were steady and she gave up trying to wipe them away. She woke up the next morning with a stuffy nose from not covering herself properly before sleeping. 

“Fuck, even my nose is tired of my shit…”

The day Tommy gets home…

Tommy arrived at the airport around seven in the evening, he was almost home. He had called Joel to pick him up, the uncle was excited to see his little niece as his brother said he would bring her. Normally he would call Vel but he couldn’t see her yet. Sarah and Joel greeted him warmly in the drop off area and helped him lay his bags in the truck. The brother chatted about how business had been and Sarah chimed in about soccer and school. The bright young teen did have something important to share.

“So Dad, we’re going to have pizza tonight right? Since Uncle Tommy’s back.”

“Yeah pumpkin I told you we would.” Joel sounded puzzled, unsure why his daughter was confirming plans they had already discussed. Tommy did not like the sound of this, it’s never good if Joel is surprised. He knew his brother stayed prepared. 

“I invited Aunt V to eat pizza with us, you got three pizzas right?” Tommy glared at Joel who kept his eyes on the road. His daughter may be in cahoots with Tess, which surprised him because he didn’t think Sarah liked the woman. He foresaw major issues going forward. 

“I ordered three because I thought it was going to be the four of us. You didn’t mention Vel.” The older Miller brother said slowly, he needed Tommy to know this was not his idea, and frankly he didn’t want the clusterfuck this was going to be, to be in his house.

“Well, Aunt V has been kinda down lately, hasn’t she Uncle Tommy?” Sarah leaned forward in her seat and patted Tommy's shoulder. He couldn’t lie to his only niece, but he also was not going to speak about his love life to a fourteen year old.

“I’ve been away Peanut so I wouldn’t know. Has she now? We should cheer her up.” Tommy bit his lips, and rocked forward, Joel knew those motions were, he was self-soothing. He was so pissed, but couldn’t say anything because he would sooner die then show Sarah anything other than her sweet uncle. Joel knew this was going to be a problem when they were alone. 

“Baby girl, you are so loved.” is all Joel managed to say before cutting on the radio.

Tess was at Joel’s house paying the pizza man and Velora was sitting on the couch. Tess was humming, this woman they all maybe saw three months total out of the year. It was weird, but Joel loved it so Vel figured she would just keep her trap shut. She shouldn’t speak about anyone’s relationship since she had mucked hers up with Tommy. Though a part of her wanted to look nice for him, so she ended up pinning her hair up, exposing her neck and wearing an olive green three-fourth sleeve shirt dress, she also may have left the top button open so she had a bit of cleavage showing but not too much. Sarah was going to be there after all. Vel also made sure to put on her favorite lotion from Bath & Body Works, ‘into the night.’ Maybe she was hoping for something to happen, at the very least, she wanted to be able to talk to him, likely not about the last time they saw each other but at least be civil.

The door opened and Sarah burst in, hugging Vel and snuggling into her, commenting on how good she smelled, Joel carried a bag of Tommy’s and hugged Tess, giving her a kiss on the cheek. That’s when Vel lost her breath, Tommy Miller strode through the doorway and set his backpack on the floor, nodding toward Tess. His eyes met Vel’s and he went to speak as she did , but nothing came from either of them. It looked like Sarah was going to say something but Joel suggested that they eat before the pizza gets cold. Everyone ate and listened to Tommy’s trip and embellished stories, Vel soaked up his laughter and smile, wondering how she would feel if he were to tell her he didn’t want to speak to her again, as he did other women. She was going through the motions again as Joel carted Sarah off to bed before long, she had fallen asleep across Velora’s lap. A place Tommy wanted to be. She looked beautiful, the earth tone dress looked gorgeous on her. It was then that he was surprised, Tess offered Vel a ride home. Apparently, a car ran a stop sign and rear ended her. She hadn’t been injured but her car was in the shop for repairs. Joel and Tess had been giving her rides from home to work. Tommy saw an opportunity. He had left his truck at Joel’s so he could drive home once he made it to their house after the airport. 

“I can drive you home Sweet Pea.” He stated quietly, setting a hand on her shoulder, he stepped in between Tess and where Vel was sitting. Tess was about to interject but Joel shook his head, signaling to let them be. Velora nodded. 

“Sure, thanks Tommy.” With that, she stood and thanked Tess for the offer giving her and Joel hugs before slipping her flip flops on and heading out with Tommy. He opened the truck door for her and she climbed in, he took special care to take a gander at her legs which the moonlight was reflecting off their well moisturized sheen. Tommy then got in the truck and started driving. 

“Tommy…I-I’m sor…”

“Leave it for when we get to your place. We need to sit and talk face to face.” The grave tone he used worried her, was this really happening? Was she going to lose her best friend over the best sex she had?

Once at her home, she opened the door and Tommy locked it after they got in, Velora set to opening a bottle of whiskey and pouring them both glasses with one cube of ice each. She sat next to Tommy on the couch and slowly sipped on her drink, clicking her nails on the glass. Tommy took a large swig and set his on the coffee table, taking hers and placing that on the table as well.

“Velora, I need you to listen to me. Don’t say anything yet.” 

“T-Tommy, just you’re not going to leave right? Just forget it. Just don’t tell me to go away.” His eyes widened, that wasn’t what he expected. He placed a hand on her thigh and squeezed to try and calm her, but that only made her jump. “I know I shouldn’t have, honestly you’d never taken me up on it before. I wanted to see how far you were going to go, I didn’t expect…not that i didn’t enjoy it, but if it means we can’t be friends then, I’ll forget about it.” Her speech was pressured and rapid, eyes wild and darting around, when she did focus on Tommy’s face, he saw that she was frightened. 

“Sweet Pea…Just give me a…” Tommy tried to cut her off to explain but she kept going.

“You can’t call me that anymore. You can’t say it like that. Sweet Pea, it makes me wet each time and I can’t, I can’t Tommy Miller! We’re friends, you can’t call me that, not after…” The tears that she had been avoiding since she saw him walk though Joel’s doorway broke through, it was Tommy’s turn to hold her and to console. It was then he realized he wasn’t the only one that had been having feelings over the years. How long had she been in love with him? How long had he been hurting her? How long had they been hurting each other?

“Velora I don’t want to be just your friend. I feel the same way. Honey please…” Tommy whispered as he brought her close, her tears were wetting his shirt, but it was fine by him. He just needed to make her understand that he didn’t want to share her. But he also thought maybe he shouldn’t undress her this time.

After some time, she stopped just embracing her, small hands wrapped around his back, pressing on his shoulder blades. They were quiet except for a few sniffles. Vel leaned back and kissed Tommy’s cheek, her face puffy from her waterworks,

“I’m sorry I didn't let you talk, well this time and especially the last time. I just wanted to avoid talking about it. I couldn’t handle you telling me it didn’t mean anything.”

“Velora. That’s not anything I would ever say to you. And it wasn’t what I was going to say the other night either. I planned to tell you that I don’t speak like that to anyone, even during sex and that I didn’t want you seeing anyone else. I don’t want to see anyone else. Vel…I…” Tommy was cut off by her lips, not forceful but clearly to quiet him again, he cupped her face and leaned into the kiss, letting out a small moan. He did let her go after he licked her bottom lip and she didn’t allow him in. Not that type of kiss he figured.

“Just a little at a time Lucky Beetle. Please a little at a time. You just told me something major, I can’t have you say that I love you right now too. I know you like to get things all out in the open but just let me sit in it a bit.” The explanation made sense to him, in his haste to share his feelings, he forgot that she needs things in pieces, slowly. It’s why he loved talking to her because she could help him see things part by part, but that was clearly different in a relationship aspect. Her hands raised to play with his hair, then ran along his cheeks and poked his mustache. “It’s not that I don’t want to hear it, but I just need time. It won’t be too much. I promise.” He nodded, accepting her proposal.

“Should we get you cleaned up? Your face looks a mess Sweet Pea. Er, not that…” The woman let out a bellowing laugh, it was a sound that he was elated to hear. He hadn’t heard it for weeks and the last time he did, was one of his highest and  lowest points.

“Yeah, I know I look a mess.” She stood up and patted his shoulder for him to follow her to the bedroom. “Tommy, I should tell you, or rather I don't know if you already heard from Joel, I have been on dates since you were away. A few…” A drawer opened and she got out a pair of boxer briefs and a t-shirt for him. Tommy had his own drawer at her house and she did at his, they had for years. “Like four dates,” She turned to face him, but kept her eyes to the ground, still she felt she needed to be honest. “None of them panned out. They weren’t you, I compared them all to you. Even the last one…” Her arms crossed over to stomach as she held her elbows, Tommy could fill in the gaps but he still needed to know.

“How far did you go with him?” He asked flatly. He readied himself for the potential answer that she may have slept with someone, it’s not like he hadn’t done the same thing in the past, though while he was away he didn’t think to. The vet hadn’t expected Velora to take a page from his playbook as far as fucking away feelings.

“Kissing and he tried to…well not that he could find what he was trying to finger. It’s not like mine’s in a different place than a smaller woman’s, you just have to go a little deeper.” Her eyes rolled as she complained and Tommy chuckled, it was entertaining  hearing her mock another man and gave him a sense of pride. 

“Sounds like you had a tough go of it hun.” He placed his hands on his hips, his mustache continued to dance above his upper lip as she continued to chuckle. Velora shook her head and threw the clothes at him, which he caught. “Thanks for telling me though, you're honest to a fault.”

“Shut up Miller. I’m going to shower first.” A small smirk greeted her lips as she grabbed her own nightshirt and panties before heading into the bathroom. Tommy set his clothes on the bed and went back into the living room to finish his whiskey. They felt more normal, like themselves. It was good, but he didn’t want it to stay like this. How else was it supposed to feel?

Velora took a quick shower and brushed her teeth, remembering the glass of whiskey she had and that mint likely wouldn’t taste good with it. She tossed her worn clothes in the hamper and found Tommy sitting on the couch, looking at his empty glass. “Did you want mine too? It doesn’t go well with colgate.” Tommy shook his head and downed her glass as well before heading into the bedroom and stripping, then into the shower. When he came back out, he put his clothes in a small pile in the corner of the room out of the way. The pair sat on the bed next to each other.

“So…”

“So…what do we do now?”

“We should sleep, talk more about things with fresh minds.”

“Did you want to go get breakfast tomorrow?”

“Sure, though I should probably check in with Joel to see if he needs help at the office.”

“It can wait until the next day, he’s actually doing better. Tess convinced him to go to a pain clinic.”

“Really? He left that part out when he was updating me. Old man with a sore back.”

Velora climbed up in the bed and slid under the covers, Tommy watched her and wondered if he could really sleep in the same bed as her without touching her. He should be able to, he has self-control. He followed suit and slipped under the covers as well, turning on his side away from her. If he faced her, he would feel tempted to touch her and after they had a positive conversation the last thing he needed to do was compromise that again.

Turned out it was not up to Tommy Miller whether things were going to happen or not.

Velora became the big spoon to Tommy’s little spoon and that was fine until the sun started to shine through the curtains of her bedroom window. Tommy rolled over on his back and Vel’s leg wrapped around his slim waist. That would be fine, if his hips hadn’t shifted up slightly and a familiar bulge touched her inner thigh. Exhaling, she opened her eyes to see if he was awake, he was not, his breathing still steady and his face in a neutral position. Her finger started to circle his dark nipple, she sank her body weight on top of his abdomen and rested her forehead on his chest, her soft digits inched along both sides of his clavicle. “Fucking delicious menance Tommy.” Vel hummed into his chest, sturdy hands took hold of her hips.

“Am I now? Right back at ya Sweet Pea. I thought I was having a damn good dream. Looks like wakin’ up is even better. Didn’t know you were such a vixen.” A low hum emerged from Tommy’s lips and he sat up, holding her over his hips. “Don’t move, you’re ridin’ me this mornin’ Sweet Pea.” His eyes had a soft glow to them, placing his lips over hers before she could protest, he knew what she’d say, to lay her back down because she was too heavy, but he didn’t want to, He wanted to watch as she bounced on top. Her hands moved from his chest to his shoulders, grasping tight, unsure how much pressure to put on him. Tommy, released her hips to slide his boxers down, unleashing his swollen member from the cloth confines. He then slid her thin wet panties aside to touch her puffy lower lips, a long moan was released from Vel as the mixture of cool air and warm callused fingers entering her, made her squirm. “Sweet Pea, you’re ready for me this morning aren’t ya? Fuck Vel, we wasted too much time. I could have had a ring on your finger and Sarah could have a cousin or two.” Her eyes shot open, did he just…? She pulled back, making her ass press against his thick cock, a gasp escaped from his mouth.

“Tommy, d-did you just…what?”

“I don’t say things I don’t mean Velora. You don’t want me to say three words fine. I know many a way to tell you the same damn thing woman.”

“Well you wanna try this morning?” Her suggestion made him kiss her neck, licking it as his fingers pumped inside of her slowly. “T-Tommy, give me your…”

“My what Sweet Pea? I’ll have to be careful where I call you Sweet Pea. I can’t have you gettin’ this wet at a cookout.” He smiled into her neck, before biting it. One of Vel’s hands grasped the back of his head, tugging it toward her neck.

“Fuck Tommy. Your cock. I want your cock. I’ll make a baby with you. Give it to me.” She yelped as his fingers started to move faster, her nectar dripping down his palm.

“Not yet, I have to show you who can find your pussy with these fingers.” His mouth left her neck and found her lips again, biting her lower lip as she moaned his name. He could watch her like this for the next hour, maybe hours. 

“Don’t be an ass about it Tommy.” Her hips were moving faster, her hands came back to his shoulders as she began moving up and down instead of in a circle.

“Look at you, quick study like always Sweet Pea. Be my angel and soak my fingers.” Tommy commanded, curing his head to nipple at the top of her breast. He felt her squeezing his fingers, then the flood of her slick down his wrist as he slowed down his fingers to match her body’s release and subsequent decrescendo. She sat panting on his lap, her eyes heavy as she met his dark brown orbs again. “Velora, you’re sure I can cum inside you? We still have a shit ton to talk about.” He saw her nod but needed her to speak to him so he didn’t move.

“Tommy, I’ve dreamt of you getting me pregnant and raising a family with you. We’ll work out the details later. It may not even happen this go around. We’ll have plenty of other times to practice. I love you Tommy Miller. I want to make a home with you and a family.” Velora kissed Tommy’s forehead and reached behind her ass, taking his hot member in her hand, teasing his head, “I too am not going to let anyone else have this cock if I have anything to say about it.”

Tommy wondered why he hadn’t seen it, how he could have been so blind, but that moment passed, “Did you have me not tell you I love you so you could say it first?” Vel chuckled as her small hand stroked his cock, “You’re my petty ass vixen angel and I love you. Take off that gown. We don’t fuck clothes in this house.” A beamng chuckle was shared between them as she removed her gown and tossed it on the floor and Tommy assisted her in lifting up to remove her panties, he then shimmied his boxers off and he sat her right back in his lap. “Ready Velora? I’ll ease you in slow.” 

Velora’s hand guided Tommy’s cock to her soaked folds, slipping inside of her easier than she thought, though she didn’t expect her hips to slam flush with his. She let out a loud whimper from the expansion inside of her, the pulsing heat, the grimace disappearing from his face once he was inside of her, she remained still to adjust and was unsure if she should move, it felt as if he was piercing her womb and stomach. It felt like they were finally in the right place and the right time with each other. But she wanted more, she would take from him until he had nothing left to offer her, He hadn’t said a word until she pulled on his shoulders and pressed her feet into the bed to move up, only making it where half of his cock was still inside of her. “Tommy, I don’t think I’m going to be able to do this too long, damn…did you get bigger while in Ireland?”

Tommy still didn’t answer, he was focusing on not shooting his load into her after she sat her full weight on him. Velora was able to take all of him in one stroke, a feat that hadn’t been performed by any other woman he had been with. Now with her moving, he was twitching even more and it felt as if the wrong move or loss of concentration would have him prematurely released. However, when she commented about his size, his eyes open to see the woman that he loved struggling to ride him, it was breathtakingly slow, the perfect pace to make him last longer. “Sweet Pea, I’m gonna be rough for a few, you’re doing the Lord’s work up there. Need to know how it feels to fill you to the brim with my seed Velora.” Bewildered, Vel’s mouth formed an ‘o’ as he began, taking ownership of her hips and forcing his upward into her, she truly started to spring off his member, leaving only his bulbous head inside of her before bringing her back down so his balls smacked her ass.

“Goddamit Tommy! I’m gonna break, Ah…Tom-Tommy..” Her voice cracked as she screamed, one hand dug into his shoulder, her nails drawing blood from his skin as her other hand cemented itself at the base of his skull. Her back was already arching, she was trying to stop her walls from sputtering, to draw this sensation out, him making her and her cunt cry for him. Miller’s grunts increased with his pace, his goal was to stuff her with his cum and he would succeed this morning. His mouth found her round shoulder, her light stretch marks broke though the rest of her brown skin, he started licking them, but felt his teeth start to dig into the soft flesh. “Ah..chew baby, Bite me Tommy..!” She continued to call his name, it was a ballad leading to their mutual end. Velora came first, her nails, raking across his back and head as her cunt attempted to milk his cock of its contents. Tommy was able to get in a few more pumps before he felt it, finally, thick ropes coated her walls as he moaned her name into her shoulder, tasting something metallic on his lips. They remained still, regaining air in their lungs, Tommy fell on his back with Vel on top of him, her breasts landing on either side of his head as her chest fell on his face.. He tilted his chin up and landed a string of kisses in between and on the tops of her breasts. She hummed as she stroked his hair, feeling him soften and start to slip out of her stretched pussy. Thankfully, only halfway.

“Velora, you alright honey? Didn’t break I see. You’re too strong of a woman for that.” His familiar glow returned to his face as she looked down at him and nodded. 

“I’m better than I thought I would be. You might be the death of me yet Tommy. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to just relax again.” Her bubbly sounds had Tommy trace his hands along her love handles and back. 

“If anything, I’ll go first. You started it this morning, remember?” He reminded her as she raised up off his flaccid cock and plopped beside him and he pulled the covers over the both of them. His hands returned to her waist as she nuzzled in the crook of his neck. “We’ll have to check our injuries later, let’s get some sleep. I love you Velora.”

“I love you too Tommy.” The two found sleep in each other's arms for the time being.

The next morning…

A series of loud knocks was at Velora’s front door.

Sarah had been adamant about seeing her uncle Tommy. Joel and Tess tried to assure her that he’s fine, he’s resting up from his long flight, which might be true though Joel doubted it. The fact remind that he did leave his bags at his place from when he drove Velora home last night. Sarah was worried that Tommy may not be happy with Aunt V going out on dates and he could have argued with her and might be moping around his house. It was plausible and Tess found it convenient to need to drive into town for a meeting or two, which she did not have to do before this conversation started.

“You shoulda never told a child about grown folks business.. Tess.”

“Sarah’s a teen, not an idiot. She knows things have been weird with them. Plus she overheard Vel and I talking, I didn’t tell her anything.”

“And now you have to go? After you start some shit?”

“They were meetings I thought were pushed back and now the parties want to meet. It’s annoying and horrible timing but -”

“Seems like good timing for you.”

“Joel, don’t start that shit again. You always do this get mad at me and then-”

“And then you leave and stay gone, not talking to me for weeks or months at a time. Would it kill you to be consistent Tess? Lord knows I am.”

Tess held up her hands, done with the conversation for now. She headed for the door. “Joel, I’ll be back later tonight. Take that time to calm down so we can talk like two adults.”

Joel crossed his arms and looked at the ceiling. He felt small arms wrap around him. “Dad, why don’t you just talk to her instead of picking a fight?” The older Miller brother kissed his daughter’s forehead and smiled. 

“Your old man’s stubborn as a mule baby girl. I gotta be right, even if it kills me.”

“We’re going to take uncle Tommy’s stuff by his house right? I want to show him my new trophy. I fell asleep before I could show him last night. Joel couldn’t say no even though he was fairly certain his brother wouldn’t be home. Gathering Tommy’s junk, he threw it in his truck and drove over to the house. His brother’s truck was absent from the driveway so since he had a key he dropped off the bags inside. Sarah still insisted on seeing him so he drove to Velora’s where now he was knocking on the door. 

When there was no answer, he turned to his daughter who shocked him once again,

“You think they’re going to be friends with benefits or actually date? But they know each other pretty well so maybe not for long. I’m going to be a bridesmaid or the maid of honor.”

“Sarah honey, that’s putting the cart before the horse baby girl.”

“Dad. I’m fourteen. I know these things.”

“Where did my sweet girl go? I don’t want you to know these things.”

Tommy climbed out of bed first, he heard chatter outside the door so he figured he had some time. He relieved himself in the bathroom and grabbed a warm rag for Vel, cleaning between her legs. He couldn’t help but use two fingers to push some of his cum that had leaked out back in, that made her flinch and wake up. “Good morning Sweet Pea, better late than never. Fell asleep before I could clean ya. Someone’s at the door. Goin’ to tell them to kick rocks.” She nodded and rolled over toward the nightstand to check the time, two in the afternoon? It was pretty late.

Tommy popped his jeans on and didn’t worry about boxers. The cold floor felt good under his bare feet as he walked to the door, now on the other side, he heard two voices that he didn’t want to see right this minute. “Welp, it was going to happen sooner or later.” He unlocked the door and swing it open, 

“Afternoon brother, little Peanut.” Joel noted Tommy’s messy hair that was sticking all over the place and that he seemed to have some bruises on his abdomen. Dammit, really? My daughter has to see you like this…

“Hey little brother. We took your crap to your house. You good? Your hair is a little…” Joel studdered, first Tess and now Tommy, why were the adults he knew so damn bothersome and exposing his sweet daughter to things she shouldn’t know until she’s his age, scratch that, he needs to be cold in the ground before Sarah even thinks about, such things.

“Uncle Tommy, is Aunt V alright? If you look like that, what does she look like? Did you put a hurt on her?” The youngest Miller asked with a head tilt. Both men remained silent. Joel was the one now with his arms crossed and rocking between his heels and the balls of his feet. 

“She’s taking a bit of a nap right now, Peanut. I can stop by the house later-” 

“I'm alright, You should maybe go get freshened up though Tommy.” Velora walked up behind Tommy in a loose gray t-shirt and black leggings and tugged on the waist of his jeans to signal he should head back inside. Vel stood in the doorway and gave a stern look to Sarah before bursting into laughter. “You’re a firecracker young lady. You’re going to give both your father and uncle heart attacks. Please let your father hold onto his dream that you’re still his baby girl.”

Sarah stepped forward and gave her aunt a hug, patting her back and niggling into her. She whispered, “Aunt V, you look a lot happier. Both Dad and Uncle Tommy can be kinda dumb so don’t be too mad at him.” Vel chuckled and patted the teen’s head,

“I won’t. I promise. All adults are dumb at times, Peanut. It’s our claim to fame. I love you, you little scamp.” She kissed her forehead and let her go, Joel nodded and he headed back to the truck and left with Sarah. Asking her questions about what she knew about ‘putting a hurt on someone’ and where she had heard it. He didn’t really want to know, he just needed to identify whose knees he needed to break for telling his daughter this information.

Tommy was in the shower, using Velora’s green tea and jasmine body wash. It smelled nice on her, he wasn’t much for smelling like a flower, but he did need to be clean. He was lathering his chest when his Sweet Pea entered the shower naked and put her hand over his, helping him to lather himself. He chuckled at her eagerness to touch him, he was planning on initiating later but he wasn’t opposed to having a bit of slippery fun. He reached beyond the shower curtain and grabbed a second washcloth, the basket they had been neatly folded in fell over, but that could be tidied later. Tommy was quick to wet it and turned around, nearly falling back against the shower wall at Vel’s hair in her hot pink shower cap. Her lips pinched together as she pushed slightly on his chest to signal she was not amused. 

“Sweet Pea, you can’t tell me that’s not funny though. It had to be that neon, bright ass pink?” He cackled in between her soft hits with the soapy washcloth.

“Dammit Tommy, you know I can’t get my hair wet unless I plan to wash it and do that whole process. Stop laughing..ha, ha.” The woman started giggling along with him, the pair of them laughing until they wheezed. 

Tommy took his washcloth and ran it over Velora’s shoulders and took special care under her arms. He rung the washcloth out over her breasts and added more of the body wash to make the lather thicker before circling around each breast, carefully lifting them from their lowered position. Velora continued to drag her washcloth across his chest, then around to his back until she lowered it just before reaching his butt. She then brought it back to the front and wiped up and down on his abdomen eliciting a few more chuckles from the mustached man. Tommy started in the middle of her stomach and branched out with larger strokes before starting on her back. He then paused,

“So how do you want to take care of below the waist?” 

“I think we should each do our own, I don’t trust you not to start fingering me and I don’t want soap in my pussy.” 

“You know me so well Sweet Pea.” He answered with a smirk and made sure to clean his cock and balls well and ended with his ass as Vel did the same. They rinsed off and Vel stepped out of the shower first to set a few towels on the floor to soak up the water she was dripping and to grab two towels, one for each of them. After drying off, Vel put on the same t-shirt and black capris she had on before, they had been fresh out of the drawer so she didn’t mind putting the back on. Tommy slipped on a pair of gray sweatpants and a white t-shirt from his drawer in Velora’s bedroom. Tommy headed to the kitchen to start some coffee and make some brunch. He found eggs, onions, peppers, cheese and toasted some bread with some apple butter. Velora was finishing up the bathroom when she smelled his cooking, her mother told her not to trust a man who can cook when she was younger, but Vel found it to be one of the many sexy qualities Tommy had, among others that she could put her hands on now.

She walked out to her small kitchen and got some plates and glasses down to get the table. It could fit four people comfortably though it was on the smaller side, with just the two of them, it was just the right size. Tommy dished up the food, he made three pieces of toast for each of them, after he set the frying pan in the sink and ran some water in it, they sat down to eat, in silence for the first few bites. 

“So…should we talk about things or…?”

“I mean we can. I guess we should start with whose house we’re gonna live in. Yours is on the smaller side Vel. makes sense since it’s just you living here, but…”

“No I mean, about before. We moved things pretty fast and you never told me about how your trip went with, well what you were going to do, though we weren’t really speaking at the time.” Velora moved a piece of her omelet around on her plate as she bit into her toast.

Sitting back in his chair, Tommy crossed his arms and sighed, “Do we really need to talk about it? I went, took care of my guys’ ashes and came back. Yeah I was gone longer, but I needed time to think. I couldn’t do that…”

“While you were here. While you may have to face me, is that it?” She asked, looking up from her plate. He rolled his eyes and scoffed.

“What about you? While I was gone, you’re out here setting up dates left and right. I know that was your one friend who doesn't think I’m shit who told you to do that and you did it! I had to hear it from Joel of all people. That was weird as shit.” he shook his head, recalling the conversation, it had been unnerving. 

Velora took a deep breath, “I told you about it when you came back and we finally talked before and we…I was honest about it. I didn’t need to hide, I came to fucking Joel’s house with all that damn pizza and listening to tess talking about meetings and travel! I didn’t want to go, seeing you…it, I was happy to know that you were okay, but I felt guilty and hurt Tommy.” Her eyes never parted from his, the intensity of them caused him to look away, but the veteran was drawn right back.

“I know. I was in shock when Sarah mentioned on the drive home that you were going to be there. I honestly didn’t think you would want to see me, given how I reacted when you said what you said after we made love. You can say it, you know Velora. We’ve made love twice now.” Tommy grinned, trying to lighten things up a bit, but to no avail.

“I know I told you that I needed time.” Velora paused to try and figure out her phrasing. Tommy titled his head, trying to anticipate what she may say, he hoped it wasn’t that they should see how things go. He was serious about moving their relationship forward. “I’d rather we talked about things and made some future plans. We skipped ahead on the babymaking front. I didn’t think I’d…well I knew I wanted to but…” Her cheeks were becoming hot once again, having a child with her best friend and crush Tommy Miller had been a fantasy. Now she may have actually done it without dating, marriage, deciding where they’re going to live, none of that. It made her giddy that he wanted to see her pregnant and have a child with her, but what would come with it? Was she prepared for that?

“Velora, well I won’t say relax because we’re needing to make some major decisions.” Tommy rose from his chair and stood behind Vel, placing one hand on each shoulder and kissed her temple. She took a few sips of water for her throat that was painfully dry now.  “One step at a time honey. It’s alright we don’t know right now. We just started this together. Plus we gotta move you into my house, this kitchen’s too damn small and I got room in my master bath to expand the shower.” Vel coughed on the water, setting an elbow on the table before cradling her forehead in it. 

“Lord above you really are trying to kill me Miller.” Their expressions of joy echoed through the small kitchen as they continued their meal and bikered about whose house should be sold, which mattress should be in the master bedroom and who has the better office.

Six months later…

Velora plops another rose near the mailbox. She already had brought three over from the back of Tommy’s truck. She had borrowed it to drive to the florist to pick up her order that she had placed last week. Set on adding more color to the front yard, she had added yellow tulips near the large front window that was off of the living room. Red was what she wanted on the corner around the mailbox. She took to gardening well, finding it was calming in addition to decorating her new home. She and Tommy had closed on her small home last month and were able to make a sizable profit from it. Due to the time constraints though, she sold much of her furniture except what was left to stage the house. Tommy, Joel and Sarah had helped moved her items into Tommy’s larger house. Velora had fussed about it, but she knew it was the right choice, moving into his house. It was her first house though, she remembered when Tommy had helped her move in.

Standing up from her leaning over position, she felt light-headed and had to lean on the mailbox, thankfully it was sturdy and she was quickly able to regain her balance. Her head swam for a minute but then calmed. It was happening more frequently and it worried her. Tommy had asked her to cut back on her hours at work, go to part time at the hospital. She was stubborn and refused, stating that it happened from time to time, she was fine, it would pass. It’s been two months of symptoms off and on again. What really worried her was her tender breasts and back pain. They didn’t seem connected and both had been happening since she hit puberty decades ago. She didn’t mention it to Tommy though, didn't want to worry him. Heading back inside the house, she called and made a doctor’s appointment, relenting that she may need to have things checked out, though whenever she had scans before they were always benign and she was advised to lose weight. “They’ll just tell me the same damn thing.”

Tommy was thriving, sure he had way too many pillows on his couch now, but he was able to convince Sweet Pea to keep some on the bed and in the guest bedrooms, at least break them up some. The little touches as far as plants, new colors of green, reds and yellows, nothing overbearing but more accents to his neutral home. In the pillows, but also in the towels, rugs, blankets for when they would watch movies on said couch and even a few shirts in his closet. He only wore those colors for her, no one else though. Tommy brought up the topic of marriage first saying that before a baby came, he wanted to have a ring on her finger and a certificate in his hand. Velora shook her head at him as usual and asked him how he planned to do that. She was washing dishes, wearing just one of her oversized t-shirts and panties. 

“Well, like this Sweet Pea. You thought you were gonna be stuck with me before. Now we’re going to make it official.”

“Miller, we moved in together three months ago, don’t you think it’s a little soon to-” His arms wrapped around her waist as he kissed her cheek.

“No it’s not. I told you we’d do one step at a time. This is the next step. We can make it big or small. Besides, I got this ring on sale.” He chuckled in her ear and reached in his back pocket, pulling out a small box. Vel dried her hands and turned around.

“Tommy I’m not taking some mood ring you got on…that’s a box. An actual box.”

“Yes. Wait, you thought I was gonna fake you out with a mood ring? What kind of man do you take me for?” Tommy exaggerated his fake outrage, crossing his hand over his chest and stumbling back. “You wound me…Vel how could you?” 

Velora shook head again, her face in her hands, not believing what she was seeing. The punk did get her a ring. She hadn’t asked for one, she honestly thought it would be next year before she got one, they hadn’t even made wedding plans yet. “You keep surprising me every day Tommy. I find you as annoying as much as I adore you.”

“I’ll take that as a yes honey. Put this on so I can see it on the pretty hand of yours.” He removed the gold ring from the box and slid it on her finger. He held her hand as he moved it around, it appeared to be a little loose. “I was sure I got the size right. Vel, did you lose some weight?” His eyes squinted at her hand, they didn’t look much different so he released her hand and grabbed her hips making her gasp.

“Tommy! I haven’t lost any weight. We just have to get it re-sized. I’m still going to wear it anyway until we do. It’s beautiful.” She admired it, a 6 mm band with 1 carat diamond in an oval setting. “Wait, how much was this?”

Tommy ignored the question, his hands were roaming her hips and love handles, she felt a little less, though she didn’t look it. He would know, the man felt her up daily, several times a day. “Sweet Pea, when’s your appointment? I’m going to come with you.” Vel kissed his cheek before placing her left hand on it.

“You don’t need to, I’m fine. They’re just going to tell me I need to rest or drink more water or lose weight like they always do. It’s why I usually just go for my physical yearly and not much else.” She explained. Tommy knew not to press her too hard on it, they were both stubborn so he would just worry instead. A distraction was in order they had gotten a new dining room table, Vel had called his old table “musty” for the mismatched driftwood it had been made of. The dark cherrywood suited the otherwise light room perfectly, drawing your attention to it. 

Tommy used his hands on his fiancé’s hips to guide her back toward the table, he reached and lifted her ass onto the table. “What’s gotten into you now? Don’t be picking me up like that. You’ll end up with a back like your brother.” He tugged on her panties pulling them down to her knees and then off. Squating, he used his forearms to part her thighs before nibbling her sensitive skin. 

“If I get a bad back from lifting you Sweet Pea, I’m gonna make sure it’s well earned. Let me taste my fiance. I wonder if now you’ll be more savory or honeyed.” He felt her put her legs over his shoulders and place her calves against his back, by now, she was aware of the position he wanted her in for his meals.

“How does that make any sense? Shit…don’t just use one love. I always need more.” Her hips bucked at the insertion of his finger, he was teasing her, leaning toward her mound and inhaling deeply, filling his lungs with her scent, intoxicating as he found it.

“My greedy girl. I aim to please ya always.” A second digit followed, pumping into her down to the knuckle, usually he worked his fingers in slower but her juices were dribbling onto the wood table, making it glisten. “May have to use your nectar to polish the table later, Sweet Pea.” Tommy ran his other hand up her shirt, pulling it to reach her cushy belly. He placed a kiss on it before placing his hand on the small of her back and scooting her hips forward to start to curl his fingers inside of her, a small spongy depression he discovered inside her months ago that had her babble in between obscenities. Peering upward, his head was hung forward toward her chest, hands firmly on the table, arms taunt, forcing her pelvis to meet his hand. “Almost there Vel, a little more…” His thumb plucked the small bundle of red flesh hidden at the top of her slit. A feral growl left his love as his fingers were taken from her, thighs pulled his upper body forward. 

“Tommy…Either put your fingers back in or use your mouth. You will not leave me like this on our dining room table. Didn’t you just say you ‘aim to please’?” His snickers echoes against her drenched mound, his breath, rolling over her sweltering skin.

“I do, but you know I like my pleasantries. I’m a Southern gentleman.” Velora couldn’t see his face, but she could picture his lips curving upward, forever teasing her. She guessed she knew what it was about, she was able to keep her balance with one hand as the other twirled in his soft onyx waves.

“A gentleman now huh? Who leaves a lady wanting? Not sure I want a gentleman then. I want the same man who told me he was starving and I had to make sure he had a warm meal.” Her voice raspy from her screams, cracking when she spoke. Tommy flicked his tongue on her clit, then blew on it.

“Not my exact words, but I’d hate to make such a beautiful woman wait.” He felt Vel release his hair as he plunged into her moist cunt, lapping at entrance, grunting with the roll of her hips toward his face. His mustache tickled her clit each time he pulled back to take a small gasp of air. Her body went rigid as her peak was reached and Tommy shot up to wrap his arms around her waist easing her down on the table. “Easy Sweet Pea, easy Velora…” He kissed her chin, her hands reached for his face and licked his lips, 

“I think I’m more savory than Sweet love. May need to change my nickname.” The veteran’s head dropped into her chest, matching her laughter. He now knew how sturdy the new table was. It could stay.

One week later…

Joel pulled up to the florist’s shop. He needed to send flowers for the condolences of one of their frequent customers who would use them for construction contracts. The man’s mother had died and the elder Miller brother in his effort to be more sociable, was following more social cues. He also was doing what his daughter had suggested and ‘ghosting’ Tess. He didn’t feel great about it, but Sarah had advised to ignore her calls and texts since they couldn’t agree to which direction their relationship should go. Joel wanted a partner, someone who he would be comfortable having in his life with his daughter. Tess got along with Sarah just fine, because they didn’t spend much time together outside of a few weeks or a month. His sometimes partner was just fine with that arrangement, thus their disagreement. The man was currently distracted though so he wouldn’t be answering any calls, he was placing his order with the same florist who V had been getting her flowers from. On the glowing recommendation, he ventured into the shop and was met with a woman who had a silver streak in her otherwise strawberry blonde hair. She gave him a warm smile, wiped her hands off on her apron before reaching out for a handshake, it was firm and she had callaouses as well from the different plants she had worked with, a small pink mark was on her neck. Joel wondered what it was from, he did eventually place his order, but they ended up comparing handshakes, whose accent was stronger, discussing children, trucks and work boots. A warmth that Joel hadn’t felt since his wife passed spread in his chest, her name Andy, she had told him like the sheriff from ‘The Andy Griffith Show.” The two laughed over the reference and that their children had no idea who the man was. 

Velora sat next to Tommy on the plane. He had asked her to set aside three particular weeks in September. Vel agreed as long as he didn’t have a flash mob or a minister to marry them at an airport. He defended himself by telling her she may be the one to take them to a drive through wedding chapel if she can find one, just to save some time and money. Her head found Tommy’s shoulder, nuzzling into the crook of his neck. She felt safe and terrified. She hadn’t had a chance to speak with him before leaving the country, well maybe she did, but she got cold feet, she was also nervous. It was happy news, but more than anything, she didn’t want to stop working. She knew Tommy would insist on her not working or at the very least, going on light duty, a compromise. Not a bad one if she was being honest. The flight was nearly thirteen hours, Tommy had done this by himself? There were points when they did move around and chat about what their actual wedding plans would be. Something small at the courthouse with immediate family and a reception at their house in the backyard, unsure of where they were going for their honeymoon, it was decided they could figure that one out later. Holding Tommy’s hand as the plane finally started its descent, Velora resolved to tell him one way or another. 

The emerald grass crunched under their boots as they walked gingerly in the forest behind the cabin they were staying in. It was cozy and Tommy smiled to himself that Vel was indeed holding onto his arm for any warmth she could gather. He surprised her with the destination of Ireland, but he wanted to show her it’s beauty that he had seen on a much more somber trip. His fiance had been the first person he thought to bring here besides his brother and niece. They were on their way back from the same rocky outcrop that he spread the ashes over some months ago. Velora held his hand as he teared at the memory, glad that she was here with him this time and for every journey the pair would take after. Velora stopped and Tommy did as well, wondering why she had stopped walking.

“We’re almost there Sweet Pea. We can warm up and drink hot chocolate. Might even go out and try some brennivin. One glass though, it will knock you on your ass, almost got me.” He was trying to lighten the mood after this visit to the site. Vel shook her head and it made him confused, she looked nervous.

“I-I have something to tell you. Honestly, I had to think about it and wrap my head around it, because normally it's never anything.” A strong gust blew through the trees whipping the leaves loudly to where the puzzled man saw her mouth move but didn’t hear. He made out, ‘we’re…’ What? All of her body language changed, like she was about to burst, whatever it was it was happy, so was it what he thought?

“Say again Vel, I can’t hear you.” He pointed to his ears but she lunged toward him and cupped his face, giving his lips a peck. The wind had started to calm but was tossing her ponytail in every direction. “Tell me what earned me that.” He grinned.

“We’re pregnant! You’re going to be a father Tommy!” Snot was starting to run down her nose and her eyes were squinted due to the air currents, a mess, but to Tommy it was the face of the mother of his child. The only face he needed to see until the baby was born. His outcry of joy was matched by the enthusiasm in which he picked up Velora and spun her around. She screamed for him to put her down, her laughter spurring him on, eventually he did and tugged her along to their cabin where they lit the fireplace. 

Tommy insisted that they shower and she spread out on the bed so he can put his head to her belly. She assured her fiance that it was too early for that but no was not an option. As her nails lightly scratched his scalp, Tommy rubbed his head on his other half’s stomach, knowing that a new life was growing inside of her.

“Thank you Velora. You’ve given me so much over the years. Now you’re giving me a little Miller and a future too. I love you Sweet Pea.” Closing his eyes, he listened to Velora breathe, her hand was still in his hair but she had fallen asleep. With a light huff, his fingers ran up her arm and traced her jaw, ending on her soft lips. “I’ll tell you again when you wake up, Velora. Rest up honey, we’ve a long road ahead together.”

Moots who might like it: @maggiemayhemnj @laurfilijames @rhoorl @fhatbhabie @angelofsmalldeath-codeine @trulybetty @goodwithcheese @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin @yorksgirl @guelyury @perotovar @saturn-rings-writes @megamindsecretlair @morallyinept @legendary-pink-dot @undercoverpena @beabliss @grogusmum @sp00kymulderr @magpiepillsjunior @for-a-longlongtime @pamasaur @linzels-blog @mysterious-moonstruck-musings

[acourtofthought]

The only thing that worries me is the amount of times Sarah said she is excited for the next book, the same way she is excited to write Azriel's journey (not just his bedroom habits, which she said before she has a few scenes planned out in her head). Like she has plenty of projects she'll have to work on after the release of acotar 5, so why would she say this if she's going to wait a really long time to actually get started on it?

I think for the same reason she once spoke in interviews about how Lucien was one of her favorite characters, called him "My <3" on her Tumbler, based him off of Sam Heughan's Jamie Fraser after saying she was obsessed with Outlander, and (in what I think is a fair statement) put more effort into his character arc than she's done for any other male in the ACOTAR series yet some still think she's going to push him to the side yet again.

For the same reasons she told us long ago how the moment the sisters came back onto the page in ACOMAF, she realized they would have journey's beyond what Feyre was seeing, confirmed that Elain would be getting a book that she was able to leave crumbs for as early on as MAF, ACOWAR and continuing through SF and spoke of the research she did for Elain's book while she was pregnant with her first son.

If the author was able to say all those things about Elain and Lucien over the past how many years, where we've got unresolved storyline after unresolved storyline for them, where she envisioned where they'd go on vacation, where she (in the book and not just an interview) told us that Autumn Court males have fire in their blood and fuck like it too) yet some feel she's going to sideline them in favor of Az and Gwyn, then why can't we reverse that and say it doesn't really matter how excited she is to begin writing Az's journey (which does not necessarily translate to him getting the next book since a characters journey can take time to build), she could still put his book on hold until Elain and Lucien first have their story told?

I've said it before but SJM was very tight lipped with EVERYONE (even her husband) about the ending of CC2. She was very tight lipped on Rhys before ACOMAF. And that was because she wanted to surprise as many people as possible. So we just don't know if her freely talking about Az right now is because she's gearing up for his book or because she's trying to misdirect so she can shock the readers when she announces an Elain and Lucien book.

Also, if she plans on writing the next ACOTAR book then wants to focus on other protects, why would she leave Koschei unaddressed if he's meant to be the final big bad? Why walk away from the big finale to focus on other things for who knows how many years?

To me it would make sense if Elucien were next and she closed out the initial arc of the spin offs (focusing on the sisters) then stepped away from ACOTAR to focus on those other things only to pick ACOTAR back up down the line with her new focus being on Mor, Az, Emerie, Gwyn, the Valkryie, Illyrians and time travel / crossover stuff.

[redditreceipts]

I did read the recent ask you answered and despite almost not studying feminism I found the radfem perspective really interesting and I'd like to read about it. Is there any particular researcher or something similar you'd suggest?

Hey :) I'm sorry, but I wouldn't really say that I am in any way knowledgeable in radical feminist theory. Most things I want to know I research and read articles, studies and Wikipedia pages, and most sociological theorists I have actually read are kinda broad (like Weber, Marx, Piketty etc.) so yeah.

I have partly read Serrano and de Beauvoir, and funnily enough, the book that finally convinced me enough to start speaking out was Judith Butler's "Gender Trouble". It is so horribly written and the argumentation is so baseless I couldn't believe it. I also read Kathleen Stock's "Material Girls", and I can only recommend it because her analysis of "immersion" is really really good.

But yeah, some good Youtube channels are Runawaysiren (she's really cool), Elly Arrow (who makes more than anything videos about the sex trade), King Critical (I kinda like his analysis, but he has some weird views as well lmao so tread with caution), but there is not much feminist analysis on Youtube, and I suspect that the algorithm suppresses it. 99% of the criticism of porn and gender ideology is right-wing. There's a lot of interesting video essays by Youtubers like Sarah Z about feminism, but I feel like they almost never go deep enough.

Interestingly, the most insight into gender critical perspectives I got from atheist Youtubers like Genetically Modified Sceptic, and Cults To Consciousness (who interviews people on how they got out of cults). I'm not an atheist myself, but I really like how these people deconstruct the assertion that everyone has to adhere to a certain unverifiable belief.

I also listened to some detransitioner's stories, like that of Cat Cattinson, and to perspectives of former prostitutes, like that of this woman. I also speak German, so I oftentimes listen to the stories of former prostitutes from Germany.

So yeah, I'm really not that well-read on radical feminist theory (which is why I would call myself more of a gender-critical feminist). Maybe there are other people who know of more sources?

[flashnthunder]

Miscellaneous tag game

@grumpy-liebgott and @sharkboyandlavalieb tagged me <333 and i am of course a million years late

Favorite place in the world you’ve visited?

inside the us i would say maine, i love the ocean/forest combo it's got going on

Something you’re proud of yourself for?

coauthoring several medical research papers as an undergrad, which is like my one and only flex and it's a nerdy one

Favorite books?

new hampshire- robert frost, the art of being human- michael wesch, ajax- sophocles (yes, only one of these is technically a book ik)

Something that makes your heart happy when thinking about it?

it might be cheesy to say music, but music and my friends <3

Favorite thing about your culture?

from the midwest US (so there's not that much), but i was raised very much in borderline appalachia and the older i've gotten the more i've come to appreciate that as part of how i was raised, so i would say quilting! i was taught to quilt by the women in my family and i still cherish the connection to them through that

When did you join the HBO War fandom? What was the first show you watched?

band of brothers in 8th grade, my history teacher would play it for us and i'm pretty sure he used it in place of actually teaching but he was a real one and also a drill sergeant so i don't think anyone argued with his methods

Have you read any of Easy Company’s books? If so, which ones were your favorite?

have NOT read any BoB books, but i have read most of the ones that inspired the pacific + a shit ton of pacific memoirs in general

Favorite HBO War character and your favorite moment with them?

lip and luz with the dud shell, bull watching out for the younger replacements, the officers in the eagle's nest, and just in general all of episode 8

Do you make content for any fandoms, if so; what sort of content?

band of brothers, top gun, the pacific (hypothetically), mota now it looks like, way back to my roots would be star trek and also whatever was going on with bandoms in hs that is a dark time

Favorite actor/actress and your favorite film of theirs?

oooh idk it changes, but last year i was on an ethan hawke kick- 'adopt a highway' and 'first reformed' are two he's good in (obligatory dead poets society mention ofc)

Favorite quote/s that you wish to share with others?

"Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light; I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night." - sarah williams

Random fact your mutuals/followers don’t know about you?

so bad at fun facts uhhh. uh. i am double-jointed in my hands.

If you’re a writer, do you need a beta reader (say yes so I can be your beta reader 🤭)?

i have NEVER had a beta reader and i am simply too scared to ask how it works because i'm not sure anyone should have to be subjected to my writing process but!! always willing to give a new thing a shot

Three things that make you smile?

my dog when she stretches in the sun, swimming in a creek in the summer, sitting in the car with my best friend while it rains

Any nicknames you like?

izzy! i have liked it well enough to all but legally make it my real name, other than that izzy-maye from people i'm close with, or iz/izzers when people are in a hurry

List some people you love to see around on tumblr!

@andromeddog art makes me go feral, @mutantmanifesto killer art that is living rent-free in my mind, @ewipandora MWAH you already know you make my day better on here, @onehelluvamarine has me kicking my feet giggling when they're in my notifs, @terresdebrume lovely writing <3

What would you do during a zombie apocalypse?

foolproof 3 step plan, ready for it? 1- find a good ditch 2- lay down in the ditch 3- just let it happen

idealistically i think i could go chill in the woods for a semi-significant period of time and be alright

Favorite movie?

logan's run (comfort movie, questionable 70s sci-fi), the hunt for red october (always feeling very big feelings on this), arrival, apocalypse now, fury, dead poets society, alexander (like the 4 hours version because im insufferable like that) the old star trek movies

Do you like horror movies?

i love horror movies WITH people you will not catch me watching them on my own, but 100% love love getting to sit on someone's couch and watch one

Tagging:

(no pressure and apologies for any double tagging) @ewipandora @blood-mocha-latte @deputy-buck @lamialamia @blurredcolour @saturnwisteria @staud + anyone i tagged in my answers and forgot to tag down here, or anyone who just wants to do it :)

[bookofmirth]

“I have headcanoned for a really long time that Azriel self harms. I could see him cutting or otherwise purposefully injuring himself.”

I could definitely see this. Maybe he doesn’t wrap his hands when he trains and lets his skin get cut up and bruised easily and doesn’t let himself heal. If Azriel does cut himself, do you think his brothers would know or have their assumptions? I feel like if they did know it wouldn’t be because Az told them. I don’t think he would tell anybody.

Also, for Gwyn, how do you think she deals with her trauma? I know some people view her only as passive and optimistic/upbeat, (which there’s nothing wrong with), but I wonder if deep down she has some intense rage, (which would be very understandable) and deals with things like Azriel or Nesta, but hides it from everyone. We don’t have her POV, but I really want to know more about her character.

I use to cut myself and I’m a survivor of assault, so it makes curious, and a little nervous, as to how Sarah will approach these topics. I think she’s done research on disabilities for Chaol when writing TOD, but I can’t be too sure. Please correct me if I’m wrong.

First off anon, giving you the biggest virtual hugs ever, I am glad to hear that you aren't harming yourself anymore. It may never go away, but you've come out the other side stronger and wiser.

Yes, harming could be something that no one could accuse Azriel of doing intentionally, but instead they may notice him playing fast and loose with his own safety. I think we can already see a bit of that with the risks that he takes on his missions, how willing he is to do things to others (IE torture) without regard for how those actions might affect his own psyche. It would be really easy for him to brush off the injuries as being part of the job, for him to make excuses about how he was injured. If he pushes himself a bit harder than he needs to and he ends up in a dangerous position, then people might have a hard time saying he's actually being self-destructive, you know?

I don't think his brothers would know or that he would tell anyone. Just speaking from experience, if people know then they want to help and then you get attention and really you just want to suffer and self-destruct in isolation. He's a pretty closed book, he doesn't really share his inner life, and perhaps he doesn't even acknowledge those behaviors as being harmful? I kind-of headcanon that he thinks he deserves it. Also, I think that people who have never done anything like that just... will never get it. It's so foreign to them. It's fine that they don't, that just makes it really tricky to navigate telling anyone and then hoping to get an understanding response!

I see Gwyn's competitiveness and pushing herself to train as the way she is dealing with her guilt and grief over Catrin. I don't think she's self-destructive at all, but her attitude seems to be more along the lines of "never again". I am rereading acosf so if I find any quotes I'll add them. She's one of the characters that sjm has described as being kind and optimistic despite what she's gone through (like Mor and Elain), and so to me, her training is the way she is being proactive. Gwyn definitely carries guilt for her sister's death, but I think she knows cognitively that it wasn't her fault (also like Elain! who acknowledges that her father's death wasn't her fault, but still has regrets).

Funny story, but the omniscient narrator did actually give us a peek into Gwyn's mind in acosf.

Roslin, Ananke, and Deirdre were close on their heels, propelling Gwyn to push her group harder. She wanted to be the first. Wanted Nesta and Emerie and her to be the ones who wiped the smirks from Azriel’s and Cassian’s faces. Especially Azriel’s.

Gwyn didn't tell Nesta this information; the omniscient narrator is telling us Gwyn's thoughts and feelings. There may be other points in the book where this happens, it's just the first one that comes to mind!

But anyway, I don't know if I see rage in Gwyn, so much as I see determination for the events of her past to never be repeated, and to me, that comes out as her competitiveness towards Azriel, wanting to cut the ribbon, making it through the Blood Rite, etc.

Sjm did do research on disability! I went to her Tower of Dawn event in London (in 2017) and she mentioned interviewing people with Wounded Warriors Project to better understand their injuries and to try to write Chaol's experience with care. There isn't a recording of this event as far as I know, back in the day you either went in person to events or you waited for people to make recap posts on Tumblr. Fun fact, that event was also where she announced her first pregnancy!

I'm personally not worried about how sjm will handle either of their healing stories, mainly because I'm not sure that she would actually delve into the depths of Azriel's self destruction. She pulled Nesta's story away from those themes pretty quickly and easily in acosf, so...

I hope that their stories help you feel seen and understood, however they turn out <3

[tomwambsmilk]

Not to get all conspiracy theory, but that reddit screenshot you reblogged got me thinking... It is really weird that a show as big as Succession had its final season announced so late and with almost no promotion. Alan Ruck said everyone knew it was the last season in June, but Sarah said she didn't know until January. HBO has been pretty chaotic recently, a lot of shows were axed, I don't think it's that crazy to suggest internal conflict might have something to do with it. Especially if future plans could alienate a large chunk of the viewership, like that post mentioned the idea of killing Kendall off, or I bet businessbros would be turned off if Tom and Greg actually kissed, people would probably be mad about it being 'bad representation' too. Maybe I'm just in denial, idk :(

lots to unpack here lmao.......

First of all. I have to say that I DO agree that there is something weird about how season 4 has rolled out and been promoted, and there's absolutely something weird about Alan Ruck saying everyone knew in June, and then Sarah Snook doubling down a couple of days later to say she found out at the table read. Best case scenario, I think HBO let Jesse Armstrong make the call, and he made the call very, very late, and then HBO had to try and do damage control because the late announcement botched some of the promo, and not everyone internally ended up finding out about it at the same time.

Worst case scenario? ...... I don't know. I really don't want to turn into a conspiracy theorist. But. I've seen discourse about hbo max. I've seen people talk about the writers strike. And I know that studio-creator conflict is pretty common in the industry. so do I think it's possible that there was internal conflict involved? Yes, absolutely. Do I think it's likely?..... I'm genuinely unsure. I don't know. I wouldn't place bets in either direction tbh.

And..... yeah, if internal conflict was at play, I would say it's pretty likely that there was some discussion of future plotlines and story beats. If hbo is scrambling for money, they might be more invested than usual in pumping out things that are commercially successful to increase their subscriber numbers. (It would also bias them in favour of creating new shows instead of renewing old ones). What does that mean for succession? Again, I'm not sure. I don't have HBO's market research, and I don't actually know what the widest cross-section of its viewership is interested in. I think killing Kendall off would definitely alienate a massive chunk of it.

And tomgreg going canon? .......Honestly, I'm not sure I want to comment too much for fear of accidentally starting the johnlock conspiracy II: succession edition. I don't think HBO is the Big Evil Homophobic Studio punching down on Little Gay Rights Creator Jesse Armstrong. I also think that if season 5 pitches were being discussed, a disagreement on just one plotline wouldn't be enough to get Jesse to call it quits. But I'm also aware of the Discourse around "woke HBO" in the wake of ofmd and tlou, and of the businessbro portion of the viewership (which is sizeable) vs the marketing to the tg fans. I don't know if I'd go as far as "HBO axed succession bc tomgreg canon", but yeah I could definitely see there being Discussion about tomgreg.

(That being said. I did write that post about the editing/soundtrack de-homoeroticifying (?) tomgreg scenes and it would be really REALLY funny to me if that turned out to be HBO interference lmao)

[raralabelle1studios]

Savannah vs. Nazz: Sibling Rivalry

I decided to make this special confession, I did some research on how Nazz is different from Savannah.

These girls happen to be identical, but in a different way. Nazz and Savannah both have different clothing, and also have different interests. They can also have different crowds which makes them stand out more.

I have a list of confessions on why Savannah and Nazz are both different. What's obviously different about Savannah than Nazz is of course she wears her giraffe hat (because she doesn't want everyone to know that she's identical), and also has pink lips and cheeks. Nazz and Savannah probably used different makeup. Their interests of clothes are different too.

They both are different ever since the divorce. Nazz gets to be with her mother, and Savannah goes with her father. Let's talk about Nazz first and why she's part of the kids of the cul-de-sac more than Savannah:

Nazz:

Nazz has been the hottest one and had gotten the boys attention. Nazz might've been closer in a relationship with Kevin. She's very flirty and hot, so it depends which boy she'll hang out with.

However with Eddy, Nazz might've had less contact or something with him. But Nazz isn't afraid to mock or hurt the Eds even more. All she does was become a jerk whenever Karen/Kevin's around.

We can also explain the friendship of Karen and Nazz in An, Edd n Eddy.

Nazz likes to comfort Karen and help her out. And when they tried to hurt Ed after his monster costume was taken off, Nazz actually told Karen to be nice when scolding or hurting Ed in a kind of way, so it wasn't that bad in season 1 of An, Edd n Eddy. Nazz at least had some comfortable common sense.

Let's talk about Sarah's friendship with Nazz.

Nazz and Sarah had a close comfortable friendship with Nazz, while Jimmy was the best, Nazz had a nice potential. In the series bible Sarah loves Nazz and wants to be her when she grows up. This is acceptable when Karen and Nazz are looking for recruits to join in the bullying of the Eds. Sarah was much spoiled by her parents, so it's obvious she would hang with the bad crowd.

In Season 1 of An, Edd n Eddy, Sarah and Jimmy's friendship is much more comfortable and sweet. That's because when Sally was older than Darla in Season 1, Sally was much more friendlier, and is also nicer to Ed. She even warned the Eds about Darla.

So it's much that the kids of the cul-de-sac were probably stuck under Sally's rule because she wants The Eds to not be outcasted and treated more nicely. At least spoiling your favorites while neglecting others can take a toll on what a kid wants to do. Sally did more good than harm compared to Sarah. That's how much Nazz was a jerk when she hangs out with Karen or Kevin. Jimmy would also hang with Sarah, Nazz, and Karen because he's more girly and would hang out with girls.

Rachel would've been a jerk too if she wasn't dead, she also wouldn't live to mock Eddy during picture day (Spoilers for The Ultimate Revenge of Edzilla). In fact, Rachel did hangout with Karen and Nazz before her passing which was a shame.

Rolf would've been counted, but unfortunately he doesn't count in my An, Edd n Eddy AU. He was Eddy's friendlier next door neighbor, and he hangs with Chelsea more than Karen and Nazz. That's because Chelsea and Rolf have come from different countries. Their friendship will also turn into a relationship as you can from a picture of a comic I hadn't finished yet.. Rolf's relationship/friendship with Chelsea will turn him away from the kids of the cul-de-sac schemes against the Eds which makes Rolf more friendlier. Rolf did suffer from Sarah because of little contact and abuse, so that's that too.

So yeah. Nazz would be like a cul-de-sac girl with an "evil twin" because let's talk about Savannah next:

Savannah was probably much of an outcast too ever since the dad. After her dad died from a car accident, she had to live with Eddy because probably dad and mom wouldn't want to speak to each other or let their twins contact with one another.

Savannah is 2 years younger than Nazz which can explain the age gap between a preteen girl and a high school teenager.

Savannah, like I said before wears a hat. She also wears a yellow shirt with orange daisy overalls as I would like the girls to have a trio clothing pattern, Skirt, Pants, and Overalls. This also goes for head patterns Edna and/or An can have a bow or no bow, Nat wears a headband, and Savannah must wear a hat. Savannah should also be yellow and orange because Nat wears white, Edna wears a darker color, and An wears all kinds of pink all over. That's how I created Savannah’s looks.

Savannah is also much more supportive of the Eds because not only The Eds are more supportive of her thanks to a worm in her brain, bit her friendship with Chelsea makes helping the Eds more better than before. Despite her worries for Edna seeing her hair confusing her for Nazz, she was more likely to gain trust to the girls and boys supporting The Eds.

While I do ship Eddy and Nazz, it's more likely that Savannah will take Nazz's spot to being Eddy's girlfriend.

Why? I wanted Eddy to have a blonde girlfriend (but not much for May), previously Edd would have Bonnie Bo Peep or Bella. That would have Edd and Eddy have blonde girlfriends, but that all backfired thanks to Nat. I also thought about the main characters of Totally Spies which was why I made the Eds keep a ginger, black, and blonde haored girlfriends in An, Edd n Eddy.

The Eds were outcasted from the kids because of how their parents treated them. While Eddy understands the treatment of his parents, Ed and Edd doesn't know that they're neglected or abused. So the friendship is better with the trio only supporting one another. Like Warren the Eagle from "Don't Hug Me I'm Scared" said, "Good Friendship is not about being Mr. Popular and having many friends".

So that's probably why Nat (by Rockinoutlive), Edna (by CharickCS), Kylie Webster and Katie Webster (by the creator of the same name Kylie Rosetto), An, Bonnie Bo Peep, Sally, Chelsea, Kyle McCloskey, Chloe, and Savannah were all created as the Eds' supporting kids. They would help stop the Eds from scamming, and share their experiences. Kylie, Katie, Edna, Nat, Chelsea, and Bonnie Bo Peep do have parents that gave a damn about their kids. If these girls existed in Ed, Edd n Eddy, that would give a chance for these Eds to finally gain confidence and learn what their parents did to them.

So that's why Savannah and Nazz are both different from one another. It's not like a hero and evil twin relationship, but it helps you get the idea of my character and it's similarities.

Credit to @book-o-scams for relationship confessions.

[pikatrainer99]

Happy Pokémon Day! (My history with the franchise and how it changed my life)

So, I always post Pokémon stuff here on this blog, but I haven't posted anything about HOW I fell in love with this franchise...so what better time to do that than on Pokémon Day!

I got into Pokémon during the Gen 4 era, when I was about nine years old. I was on vacation with my family and having my quiet day at my grandparents' vacation rental while my parents stayed at ours with my younger brothers (two of them were just tiny little babies, so that's a lot of noise). I was just left to my own devices since I was having quiet time (as an autistic person, quiet time with no sensory overwhelm is a necessity), and I was flipping channels on the TV when I came across an episode of the Pokémon Diamond and Pearl anime on Cartoon Network. I found myself completely sucked in and fully immersed in the battle Ash and Pikachu were in, and from then on, I was hooked! There was just one problem... Pokémon was still seen as a little kid's thing by everyone around me, and there weren't any kids at school or anything that liked it, so I decided to keep this newfound special interest a secret from everyone, including my own family...actually, ESPECIALLY my family, as I already liked too many little kid's things for my parents' liking (read: my dad's liking).

So how did I keep it a secret? Well, I kept everything I consumed limited to the anime, and I always watched it in my own room with the door locked and the key with me inside my room so no one could get in and see what I was doing. Everyday after the living nightmare that was school, I came home, took the family laptop up to my room to do research on the franchise on Serebii.net and Bulbapedia. I looked up all the Pokémon, all the characters, and found older episodes of the anime from the 4kids era to watch, which I enjoyed immensely, especially Ash's voice (yep, I started with Sarah Natochenny's Ash but I still like Veronica Taylor's Ash better...no hate to Natochenny though, she really improved over time and really made Ash her own, so I appreciate the life she brought to the character, I just prefer the sound of Veronica's Ash voice a little more). And at the end of each Pokémon knowledge-seeking/anime-binging session I would always delete ALL the search history on Google AND the watch history on YouTube (I didn't have my own YouTube account at the time), so no one would ever suspect a thing. I did this for YEARS...in fact I did this well into HIGH SCHOOL!

It wasn't until 2015 that I discovered PokéTubers...and from there my world opened up more, as I had finally learned that there were plenty of older teens and adults who loved Pokémon, I just had to find them (which, the whole social thing is really hard when you're autistic like me). MandJTV was the first PokéTuber I watched, and it only expanded from there, to the point where I now watch almost exclusively PokéTubers. Watching PokéTubers made my love of Pokémon feel valid, that I wasn't the only one, and that there's probably more adult fans than kid ones at this point. And when I entered my final year of high school, I met someone new to the school who liked Pokémon! But I had to act like a complete newcomer to the series since I had never outwardly shown interest before. It made me inwardly cringe every time I purposely butchered a Pokémon's name pronunciation, or said my favorite Pokémon was Pikachu when it's really Infernape and always has been, or pretended I didn't know type matchups, etc, etc. But the best part about finding someone in my actual life who liked Pokémon meant I could finally tell my family about it!

When I told them, they were surprised as they never thought I would be into something like Pokémon, but I was finally FINALLY allowed to embrace my love for it, and get merchandise and play my first Pokémon game! I got Pokémon Art Academy for my 3DS that year for my birthday since I was always drawing Pokémon characters on any paper I could find, and this was actually what got me to start taking my art seriously and gave me the drive to improve! Pokémon also gave me the inspiration to start creating my own original characters for original works, and now I basically live in my own creative universe! For Christmas that year, I got my first Pokémon games, Y and Alpha Sapphire, also for my 3DS, and I played Y all day and hyperfocused so hard that before I knew it my dad was yelling at me to "put the pokey-man down and come eat supper" or else they'd take my 3DS away for a little while...oops. 😅

The best part about all this is, this was all just in time for Pokémon's 20th anniversary celebration! I had an amazing time getting exclusive merch from Toys R Us (RIP TRU, I still miss that store...) and starting my Pikachu collection (it's my number one comfort Pokémon, so of course I collect Pika merch) that is steadily growing to this day. I also got almost every Mythical Pokémon from the big giveaway events each month in my game! And then came the cards...oh Arceus, the cards...this is what got two of my three younger brothers into the franchise, and now opening packs is like a huge event in my house. My mom and dad just roll their eyes when we do it but they are happy for us whenever we pull something good from a pack. After the cards came the PokéSpe manga, which I most constantly post about my precious little autistic bean of an OC Orange on this blog (thank you so much for all the support on those posts btw), so obviously I love PokéSpe with all my heart just like I do the rest of this franchise...especially the Sinnoh Trio!

Ever since 2016 I've been living my best life as a Pokémon fan! I made my first true friends through Pokémon, I've learned many valuable lessons through Pokémon, my special interest in Pokémon helps me process the world around me (trust me on this, I know it sounds weird but I don't know exactly how to explain even though I usually can explain things better through writing). I still play the games, watch the anime, read the manga, etc. I've found so many relatable characters as well! And I somehow also can't stop seeing autistic or neurodivergent coded characters in any form of Pokémon media I consume...it's like I have a radar in my head because I'm autistic myself with three neurodivergent brothers as well so it automatically makes spotting the signs easier for me I guess. At the end of the day, it's all headcanons anyway, but it still feels validating to see so many characters in the franchise that is my main special interest possess many of the same traits and deal with many of the same struggles that I do in my day to day life. I will most likely continue to make character analyses on those characters here as well since I've become more confident in my ability to do that ever since my Crispin analysis became my most popular post BY FAR (thank you all for the support on that one btw)!

All in all, Pokémon has really changed my life for the better and helped me through so many hard times in my life. I honestly don't know where I'd be right now if Pokémon didn't exist, but let's not think about that too much, eh...? I'm just happy living life as a Pokémon fan, and I will continue to be a massive fan forever.

Happy Pokémon Day everyone! Thank you for reading this huge post, sorry about the length. 😅 And happy 28th Pokémon, here's to many many more years to come!

[shirayuki7]

To preface, I don't play the assassins creed games. Too many buttons and too small words even at the largest setting. BUT! My husband asked me to play Odyssey because I wrote my bachelor's thesis about the Peloponnesian war times.

TL:DR: as someone who can speak confidently about ancient Greek history, particularly the Peloponnesian war, I appreciate Odyssey a lot!!

Long answer: okay so. I've only just left the beginning island, and I appreciate this game so much. The music. The landscape. The background noise and people talking. The goats. But you know what I appreciate most?

The women.

Particularly the depiction of these ancient women. It varies, obviously, but I have yet to see a woman in here who isn't actively about her business. Now to brag a little. I read Thucydaddy's The History of the Peloponnesian War cover to cover during my thesis. I didn't need to read the whole thing but I'm glad I did. It got me to really see and understand the ancient greeks zeitgeist/mentality. Thucydaddy didn't write about women tho. Who did? Playwrights and Plato and Xenophon. Particularly Xenophon. Now, what he had to say wasn't nice or really even pleasant from a modern perspective. If we took his words at face value, we would see a world in which women weren't valued, never left their homes, and were simply stupid baby making machines. Because that's how Xenophon thought they should be. SHOULD BE. not WAS. My thesis was based on two assumptions about ancient greece: one, that these ancient writers didn't write what they saw but what they wanted to see (And two, that women attended the Athenian theater). Xenophon's expectations for the women around him were completely illogical! How could she stay home all day and still get things done? Not all women were wealthy enough to have slaves. Here's where I appreciate Odyessy. The women are out and about. They are the spokesperson of groups. They have things to do and people to see. I was so pleased to see an old woman as the priestess of the temple of Zeus. The actual ancient greek society was slightly more egalitarian than the ancient writers want us to believe. Society, religion, and economy would stop if the Greek woman did exactly as Xenophon (or worse, Aristotle) said they should do.

The creators of Odyessy were smart enough to see that, or they did their research (Particularly of the leading researcher herself, Sarah Pomeroy. I highly recommend reading her if you're interested in ancient greek women history). And I just really appreciate it, as a researcher and historian. I know nothing about the assassins creed fandom or how this game was received when it came out. I just want to say to the casual history dudebros who didn't like it based on its societal "inaccuracies": get fucked. This isn't "feminist woke shit", these developers did their research and they did it well. Deal with it.

I look forward to playing the game more and seeing how they depict Peracles (Thucydaddy's golden boy) and the other Athenian generals/statemen. Maybe I'll be able to go to Athens and meet my number one guy, Euripides? We'll see!!

[pbandjesse]

My lips are very dry and I think I am dehydrated. Because I've been talking for the last couple hours. Yapping you could say. And I just had such a lovely day that started so unbelievably stressfully that you would not believe it.

I slept okay last night. I felt really nauseous right before we went to bed but me and James stayed up a little bit later together and I would drink some more water and felt slightly more normal. And I didn't wake up much even though James said that sweetie was committing Kitty crimes all night. There was evidence. Stuff all over the ground that he pulled down. But I woke up with my alarm and felt pretty good. I even gave myself a extra 10 minutes. When I woke up it was drizzling but not raining too hard yet. I still have the coastal advisory of my phone so I would prepared and I wore my new rain boots which were very comfortable. I also packed my dock sandals and an extra pair of socks and my eyeliner and a sweater because I would be working at the museum tonight and I wanted to look nice. And James waited for me but they probably shouldn't because they would end up getting soaked on their bike ride and I felt so bad. I should have just driven them to work but they said no. I'm so sorry that they got that though I feel so bad about it.

My drive to work though was very scary. It was raining buckets at points to the point that I couldn't see. And people were driving crazy pants. And we had to go super slow at times and it was just not a pleasant drive to work. But I made it just a couple minutes after 8:00 and I was doing okay.

I knew that we didn't really have to be there till 9:30 so I had some time to work on my research for the shield designs and eat my breakfast and just kind of enjoy the morning. And that's what I did for about 40 minutes. Around 9:00 I saw a car coming up and I just assumed it was Sarah. And then I saw someone come up on the porch and I just assumed it was Sarah. And then that person knocked on the window and it was a man. And I open the door and I'm like hello. And they're like hey I'm here for the field trip. I was like excuse me. Because the field trip we had today doesn't have parents so what are you talking about. And it turns out that one of my Native American field trips was actually scheduled for today when I thought it was on the 26th.

This was so incredibly stressful. I thought I was going to throw up for about an hour. I told him oh my God I didn't know you're coming today but that is okay we're going to make this work I just need your help. And so me and him jumped on the gator together. I called Elizabeth and she told me to lean on the other staff. And as soon as Sarah and Rachel came in I sent them off to do things for me and Nick would come in and help me as well. They got the hacienda set up and would go and grab stuff from the lunch for me while I was running around like a crazy person.

Me and the dad drove the gator over to tools and dwellings at the Pueblo and I asked something about the schedule that I had printed and he was like oh no this isn't right It's only Three groups not five. Not even four. And I was like wait how many kids does this group have but I didn't ask that follow up question and that was my mistake. Because he ended up being wrong and it was four groups. And the original original schedule I had was actually correct and everything was fine. I got him set up and Sarah brought the rest of my materials up to the hacienda and of course the school was exactly on time at 9:45. And I was like on the verge of losing it. Thankfully all of my volunteer parents had shown up a few minutes after I got back from printing the schedule and I was able to walk them all to their sites and get them acclimated but most of them had already been here apparently from 2019 so I didn't have to worry too much and they all were honestly some of the best parents I've had in a very long time. Like most of my parents are great but these parents that we had were so good that like they could probably do it as a job. Like they were doing songs and dancing and just really filling the 35 minutes and I was just thrilled.

I had to catch my breath but once the bus got there I ran down and I chatted with them for a second just to get everyone on the same page and we got inside and I jumped right into it. And my intro was good but not as detailed and I didn't ask as many questions cuz I was a little overwhelmed. And one of the problems with being in the hacienda is that the one toilet is broken right now and just continuously flushes and it's kind of loud. And I felt really bad about it cuz there's nothing I can do about it It just keeps flushing. And I had to tell them like hey I know this sounds really scary but like I'll hurt you I promise.

And the intro went good and then we were able to jump into fibers and I timed it really well because I was worried when I finished my intro early but then I was going to have too much time and fibers wouldn't take as long but we ended up finishing fibers with enough time to then break into our groups and just kind of move slowly and it was like totally chill. And I remember this teacher from years past and she is great even though she frowns constantly and I think she's mad at me but she's not she keeps telling me how much she loves me. Honestly a bunch of the parents were on the walkie talkies today telling me how much they left me and how great they thought I was and that just made me feel really good.

I had a lot of moments today where people were just being really nice to me. I don't know if I just looked like I needed it but everyone was complimenting me and tell me how pretty I was. And I was just feeling good. And I got to be really good at my job and I love that.

The field trip itself was great. I seriously think I walked about 40,000 steps today though the way my body aches and I was making so many loops. I was just bopping from one site to the next and checking things out and while I was doing that I was also flipping rocks I did not find any good critters. But I did find witches butter twice. And that was very exciting for me because that's my favorite mushroom right now. And I ended up having some really lovely conversations with chaperone parents including one who offered to be on the lookout for me for supplies because she's a professional organizer and she comes across stuff all the time that people are getting rid of and she would love to have someone that she could contact about getting it and I am a hoarder pack rat when it comes to supplies. So that could be a lovely little friendship.

It was getting warmer and I was having a really nice day even though I was a little exhausted. And after lunch I would spend most of the last hour of my field trip wandering around lower camp photographing the shields. Would you like to guess how many shields there are down there? Because it's 92. So I found all of the signs that I could and hopefully did not miss any or many. I still have to do upper camp but Elizabeth doesn't think there's very many up there so we're not that worried about it. But I will be able to start my research and organization of the shields and that's really exciting for me because I love having a little project and this is one that I think will be really beneficial in the long term.

While I was walking around doing that I was also answering the walkie and doing my job. One of our kids had an allergy attack I felt really bad because they weren't allowed to give him allergy medication but his eyeball swelled all up. So we got him to wash his face and we just hope that the fresh air would help.

While I was wandering around I also was going through the field where the other group was having their field trip that I was supposed to be a part of. It was our last end to go group and they were great but oh my God. We warned them that the Gaga pit was muddy. But Gabe decided that it was okay and these kids were So absolutely covered. Just head to toe soaked in mud. And I sat down for a second to organize my folder of photographs and a little girl came and sat next to me and she was coded just tow to hip. And she had splashes all over her face and she just pouting and she goes My mom's going to be mad at me. And I said yeah probably but thankfully you're washable. And then I told her she had mud inside her ear and she said oh no We had a very good little laugh about it. This was a very sweet group and I really hope they had a good day and I hope their parents are prepared for how messy their kids were going to come home.

At the end of my program Elizabeth called me to ask how I clean up the printmaking stuff which I now realize I forgot to grab but that is not a big deal. I can get that next week. And after that I went to the hacienda to wait for my group to be done. When everybody came I would do some questions and went over stuff and all of them seem like they learned a ton and that was really cool. I had them say thank you to the chaperones and volunteers. And then I said goodbye.

I spent the next hour cleaning the hacienda. And it was kind of hard to do it by myself. I hate having to put away the chairs and the tables and sweep. But I did it it just took a while. And while I was there a contractor came up to the end of a measure stuff and I didn't know who it was. So eventually I introduce myself and he asked about going downstairs to measure the bottom half of the building so I had to go to the office to get pool key and then I came back and finished sweeping. And I was going to get the gator to get the rest of my materials but Chloe had the key and I wasn't about to walk to the other side of camp to get it so I just used our car and I loaded it up. I put the staffs hanging out of our window because they are too tall. And it didn't take that long so it was totally fine. I drove down to the woodlands to double check commission The fire was good and then all the materials were put away nicely and then I went back up to the office. I checked in. And I let everybody know I was going home. Well not home but I was getting out of there.

Blue was laughing at me for beep bopping around all day and how I better be getting my steps counted but I am not actively wearing a pedometer right now. I'm going to have to get a battery for my Pikachu one again. I'm not sure if it's working but we will have to see. I would like to wear that this summer so that is definitely something for me to look into.

But it was time for me to go. I had to get something to eat before working at the museum tonight. I drove over to cockeysville and went to Wawa and while I was waiting for my sandwich the girl making the sandwich asked me if I knew how pretty I was. I was like what??. And she was like you're beautiful. And I was like thank you that's so nice. It relief just made my day.

I ate my sandwich in the car. And I watched a video about someone I did not care about and thought was kind of a horrible person. Just some YouTuber who apparently was very famous that recently died that I did not care about but apparently it was very controversial. And kind of terrible. And then I headed to work. I wanted to get there early so me and James could see each other for a few minutes. And when I got there James's backpack was sitting outside in the parking lot. I went inside and I was like James that's not safe this is why people with rob you all the time. Which is facetious I know. But still. Don't leave things sitting unattended.

James would leave to come home to meet their dad to go to the baseball game. And I had a lovely night at the museum. The other Jesse is so much fun. Like really I think we could be very good friends because he's so funny and he gets my humor but like in a dead pant sort of way and that's really nice. And I had a great time just goofing around for the first hour. Talk into the catering staff going through drawers and just having a good time. Chatting with the security guard. Who I eventually made the security guard and Jesse take a photo with photo with me. Because I thought it would be funny and I was correct. And it was just a lot of fun because it was a charity event. And it looked beautiful. They did such a good job.

I wouldn't have that many people come back but the ones I did were really lovely. And they said I was so good at my job and so informative. And they all had very good like follow-up questions and conversation. I got to turn on the museums machines and eventually I was making a loop around to the pharmacy just to see if anyone was in there and I saw that the garment loft was open. So I went and checked with Jesse if it was supposed to be and it wasn't but we decided it wasn't worth arguing over and I went in and gave a talk in there too and a couple of the same people from before came but some extras did as well and it was just so nice. Like I got to tell my stories and people were really interested and giving great facial expressions. And I got to talk about other stuff like art and travel and just how much I love living here. My husband. Everyone got a big laugh because I was wearing James's name tag tonight and they're like you don't look like a James. And I just love working at the museum.

While I was there I also got an email from Jessica and she offered me the education positions for the events for May because there was only three of them and I can take two of those three and I'm really excited about that. I hope that we get back in that habit because I want all of the events but I know that's not always fair. And also I can't actually do all of them because I'm very busy. But I'm really excited to do more because I really really enjoy that part of the job.

I left after chasing Jesse around so that we could take a photo booth photo. And I just got home. It's getting really windy. I'm not sure when the game is over I think it's about halfway done now. But I'm going to go inside and I'm going to get ready to chill out. Tomorrow I have no plans I'm hoping to do some house stuff. And then on Sunday I have some photos I need to do and some work for some upcoming stuff and then on Monday I also have nothing and it's great. This is just going to be like a nice little relaxing getting ready to go on our trip weekend. I might even pack. We'll see.

I hope that you all have a great night and you are taking care of yourself. Stay safe and rest. I love you all.

[sundayinthcpark]

okay so i’m still scribbling down ideas and i’m kinda stoned and idk if i’ll ever manage to write this cos i have never rlly written anything like this (literally anything i’ve never written for one of these fandoms i’ve never finished a multi chap plotted fic i’ve never written an in-depth au like idk if i even could do this) but the other day my brain decided WOULDN’T IT BE COOL if Kingsman and UNIT were the same people. (and honestly MIB: International a bit too) but like. Kingsman Doctor Who AU. that’s mostly focused on osgate.

for whatever reason, the code name Arthur isn’t used and is instead replaced with The Doctor. why, idk. there doesn’t need to be a reason. just, when the doctor, the brig, and liz shaw all started this, he decided his code name was The Doctor and it’s been that way since

also the plot was: three different stories, spanning a couple different time periods.

first story (kingsman: the secret service) is very much just stolen ideas from what i know of the Cyber-Reality Big Finish stories. which admittedly about 80% of that (i did start listening to them. finally) is because of @technicallywrite’s fanfic 🫡 but i promise i am doing my research. but anyway like that cyber program instead of valentine’s program??? osgood thinking kate’s dead for like half the story adds some fun to it and i could add kate’s pov w whatever’s happening to her OR i could just. go off from Kingsman and do it closer to Big Finish and just call it good.

ideally: harry = kate; eggsy = osgood; arthur = 12th doctor; merlin = river

considering replacing jakobi!master w gomez!master for some extra fun? like it just could be fun is all.

also: focus is osgate but there is background stuff going on. 12/River/Missy ???? do some fun little twists get them all together i think they deserve it. also other knights/agents would be (possibly.) amy, rory, clara, rose, yaz, donna, martha, bill, sam, josh, gwen, ianto, maybe jack? not as important characters literally just names to fill in blanks. i have code names for them too just in case it’s needed as well as ships cos background ships r always so fun

also was thinking abt the possibility of: sarah jane is the lancelot being replaced. i don’t wanna kill her either but. it adds some fun messy stuff for kate cos i am always a sarah jane/kate truther but also establishing it all could be messy

also was considering just having sarah jane have been a past agent that kate’s father knew (will get into family history in a sec) and kate got to occasionally hear some stories about her OR sarah jane is kate’s aunt (basically they knew each other but sarah jane is gone now and kate struggles with that a bit)

cos kate’s dad was obviously part of Kingsman which is how Kate got recruited- sorta. (here is why i want sarah jane to be. important and not related to kate but i can’t change some of it) cos she technically still had to be recruited but sarah jane kept an eye on kate while she was in military training and actually recruited her having not realised who she was until after she had already decided

which is about to be what happens here cos. osgood is a rlly fucking good hacker and they can hack into p much any database okay so kingsman has been keeping an eye on them- not cos they’re worried that osgood will reveal them, just cos they kinda think she’s brilliant- and kate actually ends up running into them at a bar. where idk what but some kinda relatively easy to defeat alien shows up right and kate has to get rid of it and suddenly there’s a lot going on but kate is asking osgood to come to kingsman with her

and basically what osgood had been doing is kinda like. non-violent the beekeeper type shit like hacking elon musk’s bank account to send a billion dollars to palestine or some shit like just trying to improve the world in whatever ways right

and then osgood’s ends up joining kingsman (sorry but skip the ‘roxy beats eggsy’ plot line cos even tho i love roxy i don’t have time to figure out how to fit weird sexism into this especially cos not one man has actually been a part of this story yet) and proceeds to get sucked into the Cyber-Reality storyline

lowkey tho a) i need to learn how to write smut because i need them to hook up at least once probably pre-cyber like. anything. like they r attracted to each other. maybe that’s how kate learns about them in the first place is they hook up and osgood tells kate what they do with their life and kate decides to look into her work

(just occurred to me this may not be obvious but she/they osgood. possibly they/then doctor too cos i like fucking around w characters’ pronouns)

but anyway yeah i actually lowkey want the story to end with them not quite having figured themselves out but knowing they’re gonna do it together (😏)

but def positive ending cos i have not thought out Kingsman: The Golden Circle yet

i have figured out origins but not entirely how to make it follow a plot line yet but there’s a strong chance of it involving the third doctor, liz shaw, and the brigadier and possibly autons. liz = galahad; brig = merlin. and obviously it’ll have threebrig. but it’s a separate story i’ve barely thought about

also figuring out how to make the time jump from three to twelve but also still having time in there for kate to come around? it’s gonna be interesting for sure

this is so much rambling j am very sorry and i’m also very tired and i definitely could do better hashing this out and i’m working on doing better hashing this out i just also needed to ramble at someone. lol

[looniecartooni]

i fully believe sexism was part of it. sarah was viewed as a weird insane lady even during her life, and i’ve always wondered how she felt about it and if she maybe played into a little? a woman with that much money and freedom was not the norm in her time period, but being seen as a grieving widow with a few screws loose was likely easier than being viewed as a woman who wanted to be taken seriously. but so much of the house is genuinely genius, and there’s a logic to a lot of the weirdest parts.

for instance, i always noticed how every room has multiple ways out, and there’s different routes to get anywhere in the house. part of our training involved being prepared for an emergency, and my favourite part of that test was when my manager took me to different parts of the house and would be like, okay, you’re in the north conservatory, and the staircase directly outside is on fire. what do you do? there’s always a way out, and a backup, and a second backup, and in the worst case scenario you can jump out a window or a door or off a ledge. (i was actually told that climbing down the roof from the fourth floor is a genuine strategy in a worst case scenario.) the house is weird but it’s functional in ways people don’t appreciate, like the corner pieces in the stairs that make them easier to sweep even now, or windows that swing open so you can wash them, or the absolutely ingenious laundry room that had built in scrub boards.

and as for the ghosts—sarah was really only tangentially related to the rifle company. her husband was president for all of four months before he died. there’s absolutely no basis for sarah being haunted by spirits killed by the rifle. but she was by all accounts a wonderful employer who had employees that worked for her for decades. they were well paid, fed, housed, and she even paid for their children’s schooling. the energy in the house never felt malicious to me—even 100 years after sarah’s death it feels like a home. i’m thoroughly convinced the spirits are her former employees, still caring for the house after all these years, and i know when i die i fully intend to haunt winchester. it’s a beautiful, loving crafted home and it always makes me happy to see other people recognize it as more than just “weird scary house”.

it is funny though because people always ask me for ghost stories and all the ones i have are “i heard ghost dogs barking” and “ghosts said merry christmas to me”.

(also if there’s anything you’re curious about, i might have answers!)

Sarah was a genius! I mostly know about how she adapted the architecture of the house to her arthritis, but yeah- she was always experimenting and teaching herself all she could. And I heard from multiple sources as well that she was very kind to her employees and their kids. The kids would call her Auntie Sallie and the gardener even gave his daughter the middle name "Winchester". These kids and employees would try to defend Sarah multiple times after her death. She saw her staff as like family.

According to most f my research though (though some of it may have been bias with this fact), Sarah did NOT like being rumored as a crazy ghost lady and it may have had her shut herself off more. When John Brown purchased the estate after her death and turned it into a tourist trap, he apparently made some alterations to the house as well to play more into the "crazy ghost lady" narrative. He would like add candles and chandeliers to play into the idea that "she was obsessed with the number 13" and stuff like that.

Another reason according to Ralph Rambo, who was a historian and a relative of one of the employees, people liked to make up these rumors because this was a seriously loaded rich lady who was associated with a popular company, travelling across the state and working on a never-ending project. Sexism plays a huge role, but so does being rich and reclusive (which comes from losing several family members in a row in the same year on her husband's side and 1 or 2 on her side). It makes sense that her husband would have only been president of the company for about four months. His father was the one that made the change from the Winchester company from being a clothing company of sorts to a rifle arms company and if I'm not mistaken, he did die in the same year William Winchester did.

The Winchester looks like a very nice house with a beautiful garden and flower conservatory. I can understand why you'd want to haunt it after you die. Its crazy just how much so many people miss or misunderstand because they are so tied up on the idea that Sarah was a crazy ghost lady and it only got worse after her death. Now its difficult to find the truth, but we are living in an age where more people want to know the truth behind people who's legacies are tainted and shrouded in misinformation. Its really good for us to discuss these things and there's so much to discuss about the Manor functionality wise and decorative wise. I really hope Sarah becomes more and more recognized as the person she was rather than the person she was made out to be over a hundred years ago.

[acourtofthought]

Gwyn doing friendship bracelets because it reminds her of her sister is childish, but Bryce collecting my little pony figures, Aelin eating all the candy in a bag and smiling with yellow teeth, the bat boys having snowball fights, the bat boys touching things when they are told to not touch it, Elain being too shy and emberrassed to talk about or even mention sex and periods, and the author herself fangirling over every disney and pixar movies there is...is not childish? Like- why are we ignoring the fact that Sarah makes friendship bracelets herself?

You know... I once heard from an el/riel that El/riel would have an adult relationship and that's why it's superior.. girl wtf is an "adult relationship". If El/riel's book is only about secret sex, political bullsh*t and unnecessary drama then I certainly don't want it.

In their post they also mentioned how Sarah made it obvious that she's a child because she was described as cotlish. If they did prober research, they would know that Sarah also described Vassa as cotlish, but she's grown enough to be with Lucien? Or is she less of a threat enough to be allowed with Lucien? To distract Lucien from El/riel?

There wasn't much hate for Lucien when they realized that there was a available lady and they took the chance to throw her at Lucien so that they could do their thing in peace... until Gwyn came and they started to find nurmerous ways to destroy her character. "Gwyn is a child" "Gwyn is a lightsinger" "Gwyn lied about her SA" "Gwyn can't be with him because she's a SA victim" etc.... and when Elucien started to rise? Lucien got all the hate alongside Gwyn.

Sexy redheads for the win. They do nothing and yet piss off so many people who are in their adult age. That is power.

You are so right, sexy redheads DEFINITELY for the win! We don't need a golden haired sister with a black haired bat boy, another golden haired sister with a black haired bat with, and a third golden haired sister with a black haired bat boy. There should absolutely be some ginger added to the mix.

And you are right again. SJM does enjoy giving her characters a dose of their inner child when it comes to certain things but as you said, it's prevalent for many of her female MMC. I think it makes sense that Feyre never had a "thing" but that's in line with her character. She's always taken the Mother Hen role upon herself but now that she has Nyx, I think she'll get to experience all those moments through her son.

And I think people are misinterpreting SJM's use of coltish. Sure it can be used to describe someone young and playful but Nesta used this in reference to Gwyn while she was standing between two shelves. She wasn't doing anything to give the impression that she was playful at that time.

How the sentence actually reads is, "She was young" - (THEN) "almost coltish, with her slender, elegant limbs."

The only thing "coltish" that SJM is likening Gwyn to is her slender, elegant limbs (which you would find on a colt).

Yes, Coltish can also mean "energetic but awkward in one's movements of behaviors" but we know that doesn't describe Gwyn considering "As graceful as Gwyn had been."

E/riel, an adult relationship?! That is hysterical to me.

An adult relationship involves Trust, Communication, thinking in terms of "We" rather than "I".

"He knew she had no idea that he had done unspeakable things that sullied his hands far beyond their scars."

Azriel doesn't share his darkness with Elain because he does not trust she won't be horrified by him.

"Keeping away from Elain as much as possible." "He left the rest unspoken". "Azriel so rarely came to family dinners this days". "Lie, well the second part was a lie." "She extended the wrapped gift, her hand shaking."

Azriel and Elain are both characters who can sense things or easily observe things about others so they are picking up on obvious clues from the other one. That, however, is not the same thing as actually discussing something like two adults. Having an open conversation and being "real" with one another. Not to mention an adult relationship would not involve one persons hands shaking while in the others presence after knowing one another for nearly two years.

Also, a mature relationship would not be one where one person says they've never thought of the other person beyond their sexual fantasies. Mature relationships are ones where you do plan for your future together, the "we" instead of "I". There's no "our" future, it's only" his" fantasies. Az also speaks out against things Elain has specifically said she wanted (not to her face though, he's sure to wait until she's not around to hear him), and decides that he's entitled to speak on behalf of her Mating Bond.

Do people HONESTLY believe that Az and Elain's interactions emulate that of a mature and healthy couple? And that's where people say those two are at, in love with one another.

Az and Elain read like two 15 year olds having a high school crush. Both have experienced some very severe trauma in their lives and a real relationship would be one where that is addressed within the two years of knowing one another, where they have been given free reign to spend together and are both open to the interactions. A mature relationship would suggest that Az might have some insight as to Elain and how she feels about her relationship with the sisters. Where he acknowledges her friendships. I think the POV Bonus Chapter makes it pretty obvious that they still don't much about anything when it comes to the other.

You know, I love these asks but sometimes I sit here and wonder why they are sent anonymously because they are so well thought out and I feel like the senders deserve credit for them!

[suburbanbeatnik]

I was reading up on Napoleon II because your posts about him got me interested, and found out there's a quite well-regarded play about him by Edmond Rostand (of Cyrano de Bergerac fame). Have you read it? And if so, what were your thoughts? Did you like it, was it true to what you've read about the actual Franz, etc.? Did you feel like Rostand did justice to his story?

Thank you for reading my posts! I'm so glad my biography recaps are getting people interested in Franz. I really appreciate it. :)

Truth be told, I've avoided Rostand's L'Aiglon until now because late Victorian drama makes me break out in hives. But I read it, just now, just for you! So I could actually say something about it! And... well...

It might have been well-received back in 1900, but the whole play's aged about as well as milk. It was written as a Sarah Bernhardt vehicle, and IMO there is very little of Franz in the main character: it's Sarah Bernhardt grandstanding, from beginning to end. (I've watched a lot of her movies-- many of them are on Youtube-- and she has a very distinct delivery and style, which is replicated faithfully in the play.) On the whole, I found it tedious, affected and extremely melodramatic. There's not a lot of depth to any of the characters, just lots of florid speechifying (and it even rhymes in the original French, God help me). Franz yearns to be like his dad and rule France. Metternich is a royalist Snidely Whiplash. Prokesch is a faithful sidekick. Countess Camarata is Cool Action Girl and Marie Louise is a shallow twit. I mean, sure, these depictions aren't so far off from reality, but it would have been nice to have some degree of complexity and nuance.

Rostand did do some research, and there are some flashes of wit and insight. I particularly liked this speech here:

I like that "but," I hope you feel its value! Good Lord, I'm not a prisoner, "but"—that's all! "But"—not a prisoner, "but"—that is the word, The formula! A prisoner? Oh, not a moment! "But" there are always people at my heels. A prisoner? Not I! You know I'm not; "But" if I risk a stroll across the park A hidden eye blossoms behind each leaf. Of course not prisoner, "but" let anyone Seek private speech with me, beneath each hedge Up springs the mushroom ear. I'm truly not A prisoner, "but" when I ride, I feel The delicate attention of an escort. I'm not the least bit in the world a prisoner, "But" I'm the second to unseal my letters. Not at all prisoner, "but" at night they post A lackey at my door—look! there he goes. I, Duke of Reichstadt, prisoner? Never! never! I, prisoner? No! I'm not a prisoner—"but"—!

This rings true to me-- and there are some fun scenes where Franz confronts his mother and his grandfather. But then the play devolves into an improbable plot to free Franz where his cousin Camarata dresses up like him and they switch places, and there's a climactic scene where there's a showdown with the chief of police on the field of Wagram, and Franz has a vision of all the men who died at Wagram, and then he's forced to join his own Austrian regiment after he almost attacks them in his delirium. Okay then.

He dies in the last act, and all his family show up to attend his death, which is so far from what actually happened I wanted to go back in time to punch Rostand. While he was dying, Franz actually was deserted by his family, and his mother had to be badgered to show up, which she did at the last minute. (In fact, Franz thought he wasn't dying because his tutor Dietrichstein wasn't there. Dietrichstein claimed Franz was just like a son to him, but left, like everyone else, to leave Franz attended only by servants.) It was all so grim and awful, and this was just... a typical Victorian death scene, out of Camille or Uncle Tom's Cabin. I found it underwhelming as well as infuriating.

There's also the issue of the role was written to be played by an actress (Sarah Bernhardt in Paris, with Maude Adams taking over the role in New York). As I was reading it, I couldn't help but think how much the real Franz would have hated this. He was always chomping at the bit to prove himself as a soldier and go off into combat-- the play leans hard into the depiction of him as a pretty, tragic, frustrated martyr, and I don't think he would have liked that. His depression, his bitterness and rage are all sugar-coated. His stoicism is non-existent. Even his greatest quotes (like the famous "Ma naissance et ma mort, voilà toute mon histoire. Entre mon berceau et ma tombe il y a un grand zéro") are gussied up and drawn out in an elaborate set-piece involving his cradle being physically brought to his death-bed. It's bizarre and frankly a bit tasteless.

I think the play would have been stronger if Rostand had downplayed the fantasy swashbuckling elements, but I guess that was his brand. Personally, I think a psychological thriller about grooming and abuse would have been more apropos for Franz's life, but I'm a 21st century person with 21st century tastes. L'Aiglon is definitely a product of its time, no more, no less.

Anyway, thanks for the ask! Sorry about the rant. 😬