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transjoyblog · 3 years

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The 5 Most Powerful Lessons I Have Learned from Chasing Financial Independence

Photo by KANIKA PANT on Unsplash

I have always been interested in money. I have always understood the value of saving for something you want and the value in owning your own means of making more money. My mother always told me that working for someone else would never be stable and the only way to independence is owning your own business. This is not exactly true, but this advice did spur my interest in the concept of financial independence. I ran across this idea for the first time when I was maybe 17 years old. I read an article by the great Mr. Money Mustache and ended up doing a deep dive on his website. I was inspired. I thought that I had finally found the solution to the risk associated with owning a business. I was going to be financially independent.

Then I got a little older and had to start providing for myself and my girlfriend. We had a goal of moving out of our parents house, and the tiny little desert town where we grew up, to move to a much larger (read: more expensive) job market. That’s when I learned my first lesson:

Financial independence is simpler than it seems, but that doesn’t mean it’s easier.

If you spend any amount of time on a blog dedicated to the FIRE movement you are bound to come across an article (or 10) about the few simple habits that lead to financial independence. These articles are really informative, and a helpful place to start when building frugal habits, but this simplicity belies frugality’s true nature. Put simply, being frugal is hard. Really hard. My girlfriend and me have made some big sacrifices. When I wasn’t making any money, (think $500/month) we didn’t have many friends. We hung out at my girlfriend’s sister’s house a lot, and we ate really simply. Oatmeal for breakfast, rice and beans for lunch, and we went over to her parents house for dinner more often than we wanted to simply because we would otherwise go without dinner. Other factors contributed to this particularly extreme situation. My girlfriend was very sick, so she couldn’t eat well even if we could have afforded it, and she was so weak that maintaining friendships was basically impossible. We also weren’t perfect about it, even when I was making that little. I failed, messed up, got angry, frustrated, and worn out more often than I was successful, but that all served the larger goal of teaching me that simple habits do matter, but I couldn’t expect them to be easy to execute.

2. Know thyself

This particular period of our lives was also filled with navigating the consequences of our parents financial mistakes. My mother decided to take out huge student loans just to get my sister out of the house, and send her to a rather expensive university in the middle of the country. This proved to be a terrible decision. My sister ended up transferring to her local community college, for which she needed to take out more loans. All told, my sister came out with an AA and something in neighborhood of $60,000 of student debt between herself and the loans my mother took out on her behalf. I’m not sure how much of this my mother helped her with, but suffice it to say my mother was in a terrible financial position for awhile, one from which she has yet to fully emerge. This set of dubious decisions was motivated by more complex thinking than I have laid out here, but the end result is the same nonetheless. My mother stretched herself too thin.

If you are truly pursuing financial independence, you have to have a really clear picture of your finances, but you also have to understand how you react to financial pressure, how much risk you are able to take with your investments, and you have understand what your target is. If you are the kind of person who just throws money at a problem until it goes away, you will find it difficult to save for any kind of future. You have know that you have this tendency and consciously make decisions against this knee jerk reaction. If you don’t like having your back against the wall when creditors come calling, pay off your credit card balance in full every month, and never take out a loan that you expect someone else to help pay for (because there will inevitably come a time when they can’t pay). If you are just aiming to get your kid through college, then look for the most affordable option. Don’t send them to the 4 year right away if you really can’t afford the loans for all four years. An important tip for all you parents out there, know yourself and know your children. Be brutally honest in assessing your child’s ability to perform at university because it is simply impossible for them to be. People simply do not have a clear enough picture of their own abilities at any age, let alone an untested 18 year old. If my mother had done nothing else but this, she could have avoided everything. If she and my sister had just been honest about what my sister could handle, they would have realized that sending her to an expensive, extremely difficult program 1,000 miles from home was maybe not the best idea. She could have even gone to the community college in a better location. That alone would have saved them tens of thousands of dollars. My theory is that my mother was a little blinded by her own history, and she didn’t want to deny her child the same opportunity that her parents gave her. My mother left home at 17 years old for a very expensive (at the time), extremely difficult program at a private university 1,000 miles from her childhood home. This is where their stories diverge. My mother’s university was not nearly as expensive as my sister’s. My mother is also a very different person than my sister. She was the kind of kid who kept track of her own grades from 4th or 5th grade on, and encouraged her children to do the same. She did this because she, in her words, “wanted every single point [she] deserved”. Unsurprisingly, neither my sister nor myself actually did this. Ever. Not even in college. We are just different people. And if my mother had been able to admit this fact, she could have saved everyone a lot of headache.

3. FI is a huge goal, and it may seem impossible when viewed from the start

Most people understand that being the first person of your family to graduate from college is a huge moment for a lot of people, and rightfully so. College can be incredibly difficult especially if you are the first person in your family to attend to completion. The one thing that people like myself, whose family has had 3 generations of college grads, don’t even think to consider is that families that do not have this privilege may not have the full picture of what it takes to finish college. The first person to graduate will not only be doing it alone, but they will have to balance the pull of a family that may not understand or respect how much time, money, and effort you actually have to invest to achieve graduation. The same basic issue arises when you are pursuing financial independence. Your family may not even understand what you mean, or why it matters so much to you. You will have to be prepared for this possibility, no matter what goal you are striving toward. However, just like being the first person to graduate college in your family, being the first person to achieve financial independence is a huge accomplishment.

This something that I thought I knew. I was aware of how large an undertaking this would be before beginning my pursuit, but I call it a lesson because I didn’t truly know how this reality felt until I was in the middle of it. As I get older, and my personal finances are no longer purely theoretical, I have come to understand just how difficult FI is. The pandemic brought this into sharp relief. I lost my job at a bakery, went on unemployment, and moved back in with my girlfriend’s parents while still paying rent in San Diego. I got a job a few months later, and it was a good one. I thought I was set for awhile. I thought we had our FI strategy in view; I was wrong. The company couldn’t afford me anymore and let me go after just under 3 months. All of sudden, we were living off of our small savings. We burned through them because unemployment took about 2 months to get my payment to me. I ended up taking a minimum wage job at a factory. I hated it. We were back to being broke and making minimum wage, this time with less savings, more overhead costs, and no way to know if I would be able to find a better job any time soon. Financial independence never looked further away. This experience did however, serve as a great way to really drive home the fourth lesson:

4. Odds are, it will take a lot longer than you originally hoped, and when you are just starting out you will face major setbacks especially if you are in a lower income bracket

Dealing with setbacks in an effective and resilient manner is something you should anticipate and prepare for, regardless of when you start your journey towards independence. Basically anyone with any level of financial savvy will give you this sage piece of advice. It was losing my job twice in one year, however, that taught me that frugal habits are great tools, and they will help you get out of and avoid a lot of pain and suffering. But that doesn’t mean that these habits are a magic shield that will save you from any downside. Setbacks are hard on you. They can mess with your mind, and cause you to doubt everything you thought about your progress up to that point. When I get into this state of mind, I have found that it helps to remind yourself that progress is not a linear equation. Progress is a lot more like the Japanese proverb “Fall seven, rise eight.” You have to be prepared to have that kind of grit.

5. It is a lot harder to save money, when you don’t make money

There has been a lot of ink spilled, both physical and digital, on exploring the different aspects of the phrase “Money doesn’t buy happiness.” One of my favorite studies to cite on this issue is a study out of Purdue University that explored the concept of “income satiation” around the world. Meaning, how emotionally and physically “satisfied” people report being in relation to their annual income. This is a quote pulled directly from the abstract of the study. “Globally, we find that satiation occurs at $95,000 for life evaluation and $60,000 to $75,000 for emotional well-being.” This statistic has been quoted, analyzed, and touted by many a finance journalist as proof that money doesn’t buy happiness. However, I would be very happy making $60,000 to $75,000. With our current expenses my girlfriend and me could save for financial independence within a decade or so of making that much money. This would include reaching all of our goals of buying a house, and land, and finishing college. But a lot of people simply will never have a salary this high. They may have a total household income in this range, but living in a 2 income household is, in itself, a privilege. Once I realized that I could feasibly never make that much in a salaried position without a college degree, I had to expand my FI strategy beyond just “get a decent job, save as much as possible, invest a ton of money, and wait.” I have to invest in my education. I have to invest as early as possible in the stock market. I have to build something outside of a regular job that could possibly act as a hedge against job market instability. I have to make “earn more money” a huge priority. I never thought that was a worthwhile pursuit but it really is. Making money opens up so many opportunities, if you know what to do with it. Which is why it would be good for higher income earners, and people that have already achieved FI to remember that making money is difficult. Investing time, energy, money, and effort into growing something that may not even pay off is simply not possible for a lot of people, and it would serve anyone well to remember this throughout their journey to financial independence.

Citations:

Jebb, A.T., Tay, L., Diener, E. et al. Happiness, income satiation and turning points around the world. Nat Hum Behav 2, 33–38 (2018). https://doi.org/10.1038/s41562-017-0277-0

#finance #financial independence #entrepreneur

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touchmycoat · 4 years

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5, 6 (i already know this is some insane amount), 9, 10, 16, 23, 26 (house)

BAAABE :*

5. What is the perfect environment for you to write in?

my office cubicle apparently kdsjfnksd

no but genuinely anywhere i can zone out. i make faces & mutter to myself when i write tho so, anywhere where that wouldn’t draw weird glances lmfao

6. If you’re really concentrating, how many words can you write in a day?

bahahaha i think Farmer’s Almanac holds the record rn—10k, give or take.

9. Do you prefer to write AUs, canon divergence, or canon-compliant fic?

#selfintrospection, my pattern per fandom seems to be starting with canon divergence! I’m a side characters ho, y’all know this, so I always like to recenter the narrative & get a surer foothold in my own interpretations of character first. but after that.... no preference! I love (and have written) all three to great enjoyment heheheh just depends on where i wanna see ‘em fuck

10. Do you enjoy writing dialogue, exposition, or plot the most?

NFJDNFJDNFJD HOW CAN I CHOOSE

Exposition is sexy, and i get to be the most experimental & excessive & self-indulgent here w/ style choices.

Dialogue is sexy, ‘cause voices and humor and dirty talk and heartbreak and communication!!! I’m a movie ho so i’m all about that plot-driving script game ;;;;

Plot is sexy ‘cause that’s where you get to fuck around with all the canon themes, subvert & avert & redistribute them!!!!!!!! I’m a slut for that!!!!!!!!!

can’t choose won’t choose :’D

16. What is your most underrated fic?

LMFAO you know i’m gonna say Sword of the Yi Maiden ;) she’s basically like, our child ;;

23. If you had to remix one of your own fics, which would it be and how would you remix it?

well once i sort out the single dad!Song Lan universe, i’d loooooove to switch gears & swerve into single dad!Xiao Xingchen B) just for kicks. But where Song Lan is like, a high school lit teacher and A-Qing is our favorite local delinquent child. XXC gets called in for a parent-teacher conference, and he’s actually kind of dreading it at first because AQ honestly never had too many complaints about the English teacher, so if this Song Laoshi was suddenly going to betray his daughter’s trust and tattle on her XXC would def take AQ’s side.

But! Turns out SL’s calling him in to be like “hey, AQ never does homework but is fine with participating in class if i kind of trick her into arguing about it, so i figured she just really doesn’t like being told what to do. That’s fine! But that also means I don’t think she’ll respond well to me sitting her down to talk about her higher education options, so I figured I’d run it past the parent first to see if you have any thoughts about how we’re going to proceed.”

it’d be SO fucking funny... AQ stops skipping class or stops zoning out the moment she catches onto her dad’s little ~thing for Song Laoshi. She starts challenging him in class instead on every little thing (”yeah but don’t you think it’s inherently racist to require us to read conrad at all, if there are so many books out there written by actual African postcolonial authors”) but he’s just happy she’s engaging so they bond

they’re both super proud and near tears at graduation, and AQ is too but to hide her own embarrassingly feelings she’s like “don’t pretend y’all aren’t just crying ‘cause you can finally date each other now that it won’t be fucking WEIRD for me”

26. Which part of House was the hardest to write?

hmmmmm I think I had the most number of false starts w ch. 3!! i never save shit rip but at one point i straight up had like.... 13 pages all blacked out? Oh i remember, the scene where AQ first tests SL. I had that set in like, the breakfast stall, in a busy street, a quiet street, etc. etc. I was putting each of their conversations in different contexts too, just seeing how they would play out based on the surroundings??? i even thought about dropping AQ’s POV completely at one point but I’m very glad i didn’t. The current version is actually the very first opening for the chapter i ever wrote so, el oh el, i try not to think all that effort went to waste. It’s more like, I had some ideas, but i had to prove none of them would work before i could proceed with this one, y’know?

BUT TELL YOU WHAT I DID SAVE THO. The first draft of the Ch. 2 opening? After I wrote this i was like “yikes this is way too conventional a set-up for a flashback let’s just do it,” and wrote the current version on ao3 lmao. I kept the chapped knuckles thing~

Under the Cut:

((Behind the Scenes of Fic Writing Asks!))

Song Lan stood at the entrance of his room in the inn, fist clenched hard around Fuxue’s hilt as the rain came in. Night had been the herald, and now, the lantern at the top of the stairs to Song Lan’s left was flickering wildly, buffeted about by the stormy wind.

The inn’s owner, an older woman in her 50s, spoke a string of worried utterances as she hurried up the stairs to close the window. As her hands approached the latch though, Song Lan sensed bloodthirst. Fuxue went flying.

The woman screamed, but the harm was over; a mutated critter of a hungry ghost slumped against the window frame, pinned there by Fuxue’s cool blade. Instead of closing the window for her, Song Lan pressed two paper talismans on either side. He pulled out Fuxue and watched the hungry ghost dissipate.

“Daozhang, daozhang, gratitude,” the woman wept. “A few here and there is nothing, you know? But once they begin to stay, and bigger things start to come, and we have young ones in the house, oh, it terrifies me, what state this city has been falling into…”

Fuxue returned to its sheathe, and Song Lan still had his fly-whisk tucked in his arm. He gave the inn owner a polite bow.

“I will attempt an extermination tonight.”

“Daozhang is so reliable,” the woman said, tears instantly transforming into simpering gratitude. Her distress had been in part a show, meant to move Song Lan into action. Song Lan did not mind; this was his third night at the inn, after all, and the second time the inn owner’s requested a favor from him. It stood to reason that she would think he needs more affective convincing, even if she’s wrong.

“I may trouble you for tea upon my return,” he murmured. When the woman reached out to pat his elbow in a matronly gesture, Song Lan stepped back, disguising the gesture as a readjustment of his robes as he replaced the stack of talismans back in his sleeve.

“Of course,” she replied, hand waving in the air before lowering back down to her side. A spot of tension eased at the base of Song Lan’s neck. “The stove never stops burning in our kitchen, particularly when we have guests. Just give our door a knock if the evening chef isn’t around. We’ll take care of you.”

Song Lan was grateful. He’d need the hot drink when he returned from the rain—soaking in the deluge always left his skin feeling beaten and bloated. And the sensation, if untreated, never failed to transform itself into two long iron nails hammered deep into his skull and brain. The pain was best avoided if at all possible.

(Xiao XingChen knew this about him. Nothing’s ever eased the migraines faster than XingChen’s smile as he wordlessly pushed a cup of hot water or tea across the table. Nothing’s ever distracted Song Lan from the pain more effectively than wondering exactly what would happen, if XingChen’s fingers lingered and his own could touch, just lightly, those perpetually chapped knuckles.)

(Take better care of yourself, Song Lan had once chastised when blood came seeping up between cracked skin.

I forget to, XingChen had confessed, sheepish lines crinkling around his eyes.

Had Song Lan been anybody else, he would’ve said out loud what he wished he could’ve said out loud: I’ll do it then.

Had Song Lan been anybody else, he would’ve thumbed a layer of protective grease over Xiao XingChen’s dry hands himself, save them both the need for cheesy lines and impotent promises. Words often got him into trouble, he knew this; he much preferred the vows made in every shared action that was mutually fostered into consistency. But what did it say about him, that his hands flinched from touch and Xiao XingChen walked at a careful radius around him, that he couldn’t make a vow on any level that counted?)

The extermination was no reprieve from the discomfort, the dissatisfaction, the disassembly of it all. The sky was falling apart and so was his skin. Moderation was less a stranger to Song Lan than longing, but tonight, the berating of his body was not moderated at all.

A year of searching, over, just like that.

An opportunity to apologize, gone, just like that.

A promise.

A dream.

So do you like him then? You want to really build a family with him?

Gone. Just like that.

#microdactyls #asks #THANKS BABE #LOVE ME SOME NAVEL GAZING

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zen-garden-gnome · 4 years

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REALLY investigating the debate over vaccines (from a lay-person’s perspective).

I want to unravel some things about the vaccination debate, following days of research into the matter. It wasn’t enough for me to know how I felt, already. I didn’t think my personal relationships had to suffer maximally in order for me to live honestly. So I decided to dig in and make myself more knowledgeable, and to let myself empathize with more people. There was so much to cipher through and it took so much time that I had to take notes to help keep things connected. The process reminded me that the internet is not as easily traversed for all its users, and that in the end, the “vibe” one picks up decides a lot of what we’re willing to follow any deeper (particularly, whether or not we even notice a “vibe” in the first place). Zooming way out also reminded me of just how many “entry points” there are for this subject, and helped me empathize with a lot of people. It turns out, “anti-vaxxer” is a term applied to people across a pretty wide range of subtly differing perspectives. I think we can all agree that the despair and disgust and distrust the world is experiencing won’t improve if we can’t get our attention back, ‘cause that’s largely what this is about. We are inundated with so much manipulative information that we struggle to steer our attention toward the core values that we mostly share, which takes us further and further away from each other’s realities. We know less and less about each other but think we know so much more because we’re surrounded by manipulative/self-preserving chatter.

I wanted to cut through the noise and show where some things connect, and where some others only appear to. For anyone who knows there’s a lot going on but doesn’t know where to begin approaching it. For anyone who feels on the fence in any way. For anyone who feels isolated by their view of the circumstances. For anyone who struggles to understand why so-and-so would think such-and-such. For anyone who thinks they already know. For anyone with even a passing curiosity. And of course, for myself. I’ve worked to collect and organize this for all and anyone. I do my best to stay objective without pretending I don’t have my own opinions. My research wound up focusing on a few key people and their research, the theories that have arisen, the science used to address them, and the demographics who are the most moved by it all. This is an entire research paper and I had no idea it would go this far when I started.

Judy Mikovits is a former medical researcher and current anti-vaccination advocate. She has some valid criticisms of how the US government handled the release of treatments for HIV and for the poor ways people treat their immune systems. She claims in her book (and in a viral video that recently hit the internet at the kick-off of the COVID-19 pandemic in the US) that Anthony Fauci barred her from continuing her research at the National Institute of Health (he denies this). She refers to the COVID-19 pandemic in quotes ("pandemic"), refuses to wear face masks, and discourages others from doing so because she thinks that taking care of one’s own immune system and cleanliness is all she should need to do, by her own words. Vaccines (and just temporarily breathing in more of one’s own carbon dioxide) aren’t worth the risk, she says. Mikovits has spoken at numerous anti-vaccination events and her retracted papers are frequently referenced in their propaganda (and there’s no denying it’s propaganda).

When she was a virologist and medical researcher, Judy started working to uncover viral causes of diseases when she was hired by a couple whose child had Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and wanted to find the cause. The work she published in Science magazine about proposed retro-viral causes of CFS in 2009 was retracted when peers from 9 separate labs failed to get the same results and negated her findings (and when two of her co-authors reported that their patient samples had been contaminated by the virus in the lab, as opposed to the virus already being in the samples). Two years later she was fired from her job over the quality of her work and control of her lab samples, which seems relevant considering the apparent reason why her 2009 results were supposedly wrong. She was arrested and tried for stealing lab equipment and documentation when she left. She returned some of the lab notes and the criminal charges were dismissed.

Judy continues to reference her outdated research to this day (the research about specific retroviruses causing some specific diseases). Now she’s using her debunked data to fire up her main argument: that up to 30% of modern vaccines are “contaminated” with retroviruses and the government is trying to cover up a dangerous problem with its vaccines, putting everyone at risk (especially young children who get a large host of vaccines in a relatively short period of time).

This was where I knew I had to learn more about how viruses and vaccines interact with our bodies. A retrovirus is commonly called an RNA virus, which is a virus that uses a host cell to replicate its viral RNA as DNA. This is the opposite of what DNA viruses do, which is to use the host cell to replicate their DNA as RNA. An RNA/retro-virus also has a type of enzyme that allows it to insert its new DNA into the host cell’s DNA. This altered genetic information can lead to increased erroneous cell production, which increases the likelihood of developing cancer and other diseases depending on where the viral DNA is injected into a host cell’s DNA. Whatever gene is changed may cease to function, leading to disease. For example, HIV is a retrovirus that results in a syndrome that makes one prone to all kinds of diseases.

As it turns out, some vaccines do contain retroviruses! And it also turns out that that’s ok. Sometimes that’s part of the genetic material virologists are working with. Some of our vaccines are only possible with that genetic material. The presence of a retrovirus doesn’t necessary do anything to the vaccine. The vaccinations don’t infect patients with retroviruses because the retroviruses found in the vaccine are non-infectious. It’s an extremely important part of how a good vaccine functions. Viruses can cause diseases, but vaccines don’t contain live infectious material. That’s why there were no reported issues with retroviral infection by our vaccine safety systems (systems that exist because vaccines have never been perfect and always have some potential for side effects, so their risk factors are studied thoroughly). When the technology was available to investigate the retroviruses previously unknown to have existed in the MMR vaccine, they were confirmed to be non-hazardous.

Mikovits is clearly a knowledgeable professional in her field and has some valid opinions/points about health, medicine, and federal failures. But her identity seems to be wrapped up with the debunked research that changed her career, and no professional knows everything, even in their field. The wrongness isn’t my concern. It’s what she’s doing with it, and the fact that she’s ignoring the research negating her old findings.

Kent Heckenlively is the co-author of Judy's new book, and an anti-vaccination activist. The fact that he's also a lawyer really stands out to me. The founders of the Westboro Baptist Church (the "God Hates F*gs" group) are ex-lawyers who use their offensive protests to rile people up and then sue them for "hindering their rights." It's how they make their money. Anyway, Kent is co-founder of a group called Age of Autism, which claims to be dedicated to helping kids and families with autism. But as you can probably tell by the name of the group, they're much more concerned with the fact that they perceive a dangerous uptick in autism statistics (an issue that’s related much more to the evolving access and categorization of statistics and disorders than anything else). Age of Autism doesn’t actually tend to involve people on the autism spectrum in their work (other than to use them as examples), and their focus is not on helping (or even understanding) those with autism, but on getting rid of autism--as if the spectrum of conditions related to autism was a single “disease,” and as if it’s unacceptable that people exist with those conditions (more on that later).

As autism has increasingly become a recognized "condition," it's diagnosis has become more common, and because it's really only diagnosed based on social behavior, it may go unnoticed prior to ~18 months, if it’s noticed at all. Many more people live "on the spectrum" than we ever know (did you know Sir Anthony Hopkins is also on the spectrum?), and before it was more widely recognized, we had all kinds of names (and institutions) for people living with more severe effects. Kent's daughter was diagnosed with autism at around the age that she got some of her vaccines, which led the distraught father to believe it was vaccine related. Sometimes people do have mild reactions to vaccines (nothing’s perfect), and I can understand parents being scared and hurt for their children. I can also understand questioning various authorities. We know good and well that governments use poisons (Agent Orange in Vietnam), diseases (smallpox in the colonies, syphilis at Tuskegee), and vaccines as playing cards in their efforts to control people/power (we saw it again when Trump tried to get exclusive rights to the Coronavirus vaccine being researched in Germany). But lots of people see “Thing 1 Happens, Thing 2 Happens After, Which Must Mean Thing 1 Caused Thing 2.” Unsurprisingly, people can develop identities that revolve around getting rid of the "disease" of autism.

But Autism is not a disease. Autism is an umbrella term for a range of neuro divergences (to be diagnosed you have to hit like... 4 out of a possible 15 some-odd behavioral checkmarks), and issues like those relate to aaaallll sorts of things. Things that people with autism talk about often. If anti-vaccination organizations actually advocated for people with autism, they’d let people with autism advocate for themselves. Because people with autism do self-advocate, and they take umbrage with groups like Autism Speaks and Age of Autism. People on the autism spectrum often have lots to say about the agendas of these groups and the resources that are taken from the those who actually need them. From the Autistic Self Advocacy Network: “While no link exists between autism and vaccines, of greater concern is the willingness of those who promote this theory to suggest that exposing children to deadly diseases would be a better outcome than an autistic child. Vaccinations do not cause autism – but the use of autism as a means of scaring parents from safeguarding their children from life-threatening illness demonstrates the depths of prejudice and fear that still surrounds our disability. Autism is not caused by vaccines – and Autistic Americans deserve better than a political rhetoric that suggests that we would be better off dead than disabled.”

Folks on the spectrum sometimes have lots to say about the toxic living conditions of their childhoods, too. About neglect and abuse and trauma. It’s important to keep in mind that the behavioral issues tied to autism are also the behavioral conditions often tied to things like PTSD and ADHD, both of which relate to life events/patterns. As a teacher, I’ve learned a lot about the links between developmental/behavioral problems and the (dis)ability of parents to respond to their children based on their children’s needs (rather than primarily on the parent’s own traumas). For young children, especially with any kind of special need (a very broad term), simply navigating through a world that’s inflexible with their needs can be traumatic. Our environmental conditions can even effect how our genes are expressed over time (literally, sometimes time IS the trigger for gene expression). Everything is born out of its environment—out of our food, our water, our sense of security, our parents’ genes, everything.

Which brings me to one of the biggest stories in the vaccination debate: that of Hannah Poling. I bring this up because this is the one I was most familiar with, and the one I empathized with the most--particularly because there was a court case related to it. When she was 19 months old, she received 5 vaccines, and two days later her parents reported new behavior—lethargy, irritation, and fever. Months later, she was diagnosed with mitochondrial enzyme deficit (MED), which means the conditions she displayed were also contained within the autism spectrum. Her parents successfully sued for compensation under the Vaccine Injury Compensation Plan, a program started by the federal government to address public concerns of vaccine safety in light of the noise raised by anti-vaccination groups in the 80s. However, MED is an autosomal recessive disease, which means both of Hannah’s parents had to carry the gene in order for her to get it. She already had it, and either it hadn’t expressed itself yet, or her parents hadn’t noticed (or reported) the symptoms so early in her development. Indeed, the Poling case only claimed that her vaccines exacerbated her symptoms, but this raises 4 important points: 1) There’s no evidence that this is possible, and not because “no one’s looked.” 2) We should really think critically about whether or not we should withhold treatment for diseases like smallbox and whooping cough under the unfounded notion that some vaccines may exacerbate existing conditions, 3) under-reported is the fact that Hannah presented other immunological challenges prior to her vaccinations, and 4) despite a popular claim made by anti-vaccination groups, there’s actually no evidence that multiple simultaneous vaccines can overwhelm an immune system.

That last one was really important to me, because I had read years ago that a child’s immune system was potentially too underdeveloped to handle so many vaccinations. The notion seemed logical enough, and I felt awful for parents who had these real fears. But it turns out, the immune system of an infant has the potential capacity to respond to thousands of vaccines simultaneously. It has to! Babies are RAW, lol. And it turns out, medical researchers can be pretty damn thorough, so they knew this well before they were delivering grouped vaccines to toddlers. And while the number of vaccines given to children has increased, they contain even fewer antigens than they used to thanks to medical improvements.

But I have another name. Andrew Wakefield was stripped of his medical license in Britain and came to America, where he became a prominent anti-vaccination activist. He published findings in Britain in the mid 90s that claimed that measles (and “therefore” its vaccine) caused Crohn's disease, but peer research failed to repeat his findings and his claims were subsequently debunked. After shifting his focus to the measles vaccine and autism, he wound up leaving the school of medicine where he worked (under “mutual agreement” at the school's request), because he repeatedly refused to re-attempt the research which had formed the basis of his initial claims. Andrew moved to America to continue pushing his theory that measles and its vaccine caused autism, despite already admitting that it was "not proved." He's barred from practicing medicine in the UK and is not licensed in the US.

I bring up Wakefield because the fuss he raised lead scientists and doctors to look into these claims. It makes sense for these potential issues to matter to the medical community, after all. All resulting work refuted any connections between autism and these vaccines. Luckily, this work also looked into some other claims about vaccines, too, such as the concern that mercury in vaccines could cause autism or other conditions. Ethylmercury is used in the preservative thimerosal, which prevents bacterial growth in vaccines. Methylmercury (the mercury found in fish) can be highly toxic to people, while ethylmercury clears more quickly from the body--so quickly that the small quantities used in vaccines don't have time to build up or cause any problems, other than the possibility of a red rash at the injection site (and the fact that, inevitably, some people are allergic to it). However, given the rising concern in the late 90's and gradual improvements in medical science, the use of ethylmercury in vaccines was reduced in 2001, and for childhood vaccines was completely eliminated. Despite this, it remains a popular concern.

There are so many other people and cases and theories, but these seemed to be the big ones.

...But there’s one more variable I need to dissect: The general focus on eradicating autism, as opposed to supporting the autistic. Parents and their supporters are trying to find the right thing to do. It’s their earnest desire to overcome the problems they’ve been led to see, and their energy is being funneled away from them and used against all our best interests. (Perhaps it’s worth considering, too, where everyone else’s energy is being funneled these days…) For me, this is the variable that’s hardest to talk about, because it asks people to look at their own shadows with acceptance and forgiveness.

The development/behaviors of people on the spectrum aren’t necessarily “wrong,” but we’re subtly and explicitly told to see them this way. Many of these behaviors/developments are very natural responses to toxic/inhumane social and environmental conditions and expectations (some of them are even specifically considered evolutionary pros, traits that help people survive these environs), albeit at times difficult to interact with and other times self-destructive. Everything has extremes. And between environments and genetics, parents aren’t always able to recognize the myriad little things that might contribute to developmental and/or behavioral issues. Since so many of these things lie on the autistic spectrum, “autism” becomes a target in and of itself. Parents may see their children as victims of a toxic world, and they may see themselves as strong shoulders under (secretly) unwanted circumstances. Many parents also feel that “no good parent would ever feel that way, so I don’t either.” This kind of inner conflict is incredibly difficult for people to deal with, but the truth is, conflicting thoughts and emotions are perfectly normal. Emotions are valid and thoughts don’t define us. Both are fleeting. Feeling like we’re not “allowed” to feel conflicted makes us feel guilty/bitter/both. (Tested by God” and “blessed by God” have the same ring, sometimes.)

Some parents also experience guilt/bitterness over the possibility of being part of the environmental/genetic (especially genetic) circumstances that contributed to a child’s disorders. Or, guilt over having been unable to bring them into an accepting or supportive society. Plus the guilt over being sometimes unhappy with the resulting circumstances of one’s life. Guilt. Frustration. Bitterness. Sour grapes. Saving someone else from this “burden” and future children from sharing in this “unacceptable” situation becomes a righteous cause. Furthermore, in finding the person/thing to blame, they’d finally be allowed to express all that despair and frustration. The emotional attachment and roiling undercurrent is very attractive to manipulative individuals. I see it happen a lot, and I see people with autism talking about it. My heart truly aches for everyone going through this. But none of this helps the person on the spectrum. Nor does it help the well-meaning parent.

Maybe parents and supporters wouldn’t be so desperate about and fearful of autism (and vaccines) if having a child with special needs wasn’t so isolating. Maybe if our communities, institutions, and organizations focused on empowering and supporting the vulnerable, on creating equity where ever possible, autism wouldn’t be so overwhelming and wouldn’t even be as common. Maybe if we responded to people on the autism spectrum (and everyone else) as they are, instead of how we want/expect them to be, then the whole situation would change entirely.

In my research and personal interactions, the common thread among those who question the overall value and trustworthiness of vaccines is that of a “dark world” full of “bad people.” Things are so dark, apparently, that the global medical and scientific community is less trustworthy than the few who disagree with it on this particular issue. Is it any wonder? Our culture is exploitative and manipulative, and lays out a set of requirements for human value that even the neurotypical struggle to meet. We all hurt! We’re all wary! And of course we are!

But it turns out, much of the darkness we see in the world relates to what we’re looking for (or at the very least, what we’re trained to look for). In an age of endless, algorithmically-driven “information,” it’s very difficult for many folks to navigate, discern, and prioritize--especially when it’s a personal issue, making it easy to exploit our emotions. The machine keeps us fearful and hungry and separate, but perhaps we shouldn’t despair over that. After all, the active effort to keep us fearful and separate reflects our underlying nature to work together, to connect, and to grow.

Researching all this was complicated. Lots dead-ends, seemingly believable stories from once-trusted professionals, self-referential content, emotionally manipulative content, questionable authorities (authority is always questionable), and a shit-ton of complicated medical research. This is the amount of research it took for me to pick through everything. It’s no joke.

And that brings me back to the present. To the stuff happening right now. Areas surrounding anti-vaccination communities are seeing a drastic rise in diseases that had been long gone before the anti-vaccination craze. Not everyone is equally susceptible to pathogens, and our willingness to receive imperfect but well-researched vaccines is about everyone else in all communities, not just ourselves. No matter what anyone chooses to believe about the “source” of COVID-19, it’s disabling and deadly and highly contagious, and just because it may not be highly visible in someone’s community doesn’t mean it’s not ravaging other communities. As for uncertainty over the Coronavirus being “real,” if a person is only willing to believe resources calling for them to be angry and afraid and suspicious of everyone else, it seems to me that one would have to investigate their own worldview, along with one’s view of themselves and their own shadows. If one sees the world as inherently bad and humans as inherently fucked, that relates to how one feels about oneself and an incomplete notion of the lives of other people. That is the perspective of a traumatized person. Self isolation is deadly, so we ought to be wary of things that seek to isolate us. These self-isolating notions are fed back to us by the algorithms guiding our internet activity, keeping our behaviors predictable and controllable. We keep clicking and returning, fed by a sense of tragic righteousness, by the same programs designed to keep people coming back to slot machines. The internet is not a neutral entity because it functions in a capitalist, undemocratic state. It must be used carefully. The book Team Human by Douglas Rushkoff highlights the nature of these algorithms and the systems which use them. But more importantly, it also highlights the things about humans that make us lovable and forgivable. The things that make it possible to manipulate us in the first place. There’s a lot of wild shit going on, but it’s not happening because “humans are bad.” It’s happening because we live in an age forcibly ruled by the most self destructive culture/ideology on the planet. It’s the ideas, not the species. That means we have work to do. Inner work.

Sources:

https://speakingofresearch.com/2019/04/24/celebrating-world-vaccination-week-pt-3-the-post-wakefield-fallout/

https://www.pennlive.com/nation-world/2020/05/who-is-judy-mikovits-and-what-does-she-have-to-do-with-anthony-fauci-and-the-coronavirus.html

https://vaxopedia.org/2018/12/29/are-vaccines-contaminated-with-retroviruses/

https://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/nejmp0802904

https://autisticadvocacy.org/2015/09/asan-statement-on-gop-primary-debate-comments-on-autism-and-vaccination/

https://autisticadvocacy.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/07/First-Hand-Perspectives-on-Behavioral-Interventions-for-Autistic-People-and-People-with-other-Developmental-Disabilities.pdf

https://sciencing.com/differentiating-rna-dna-viruses-4853.html

https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2020/03/a-fake-pandemic-antivaxxers-are-spreading-coronavirus-conspiracy-theories/

https://www.thechildren.com/health-info/conditions-and-illnesses/q-vaccine-safer-getting-real-disease

Also so much Wikipedia.

#health #vaccines #empathy #autism #virus #society #zgg

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mobius-prime · 4 years

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176. Sonic the Hedgehog #108

Oh… please, come on, man… not this…

Robotnik x 2 = Trouble!

Writer: Benny Lee Pencils: Ron Lim Colors: Josh & Aimee Ray

So, did you think that perhaps for once in the history of comic books, that we'd actually seen a major villain die for good? Well, apparently not so! Eggman has detected the strange reality fluctuations caused by Knuckles several days ago, and gleefully demonstrates to the newly-roboticized Snively that one such fluctuation can be localized directly within their lab. What - or who - might this fluctuation affect, you ask?

Just outside of Knothole, the Freedom Fighters are relaxing and playing a nice game of hide and seek, when Tails, who is "it," runs smack into Robotnik, looking battered and scared. They're all, of course, incredibly shocked at his reappearance, and skeptical when he claims that Eggman brought him back, but is even worse than he ever was. He ran for his life, wishing now to seek shelter in Knothole. The Freedom Fighters reluctantly bring him to the king and queen, who get him a checkup by Dr. Quack to ensure he's not merely a robotic duplicate, and then, despite his literal war crimes, just… allow him to stay in the village. With all the people he tortured and terrorized barely more than a year ago. Seriously, not even a trial for his crimes? Nothing?

Robotnik seems to have settled right in, despite Sonic's obvious exasperation, and as the crew flies him to Robotropolis he eagerly speaks about perhaps becoming allies after all this is over, while they mostly ignore him in favor of playing cards. They infiltrate the city and fight a cursory number of shadow-bot guards, and Robotnik leads them to a room with a suspiciously-shaped "computer," inviting them to stand on a platform in the center of it and have Nicole take some readings while he accesses the mainframe. Of course, this is when he shows his true colors, and traps them in an energy field that harnesses the power of Eggman's "matter fluctuator" while the two alternate-universe villains giggle with each other, ecstatic that their plan to erase their enemies seems to be working.

The Freedom Fighters reveal that they knew Robotnik was trying to trick them all along, and only played along so that he would lead them straight to the device that brought him back so they could destroy it. He's baffled by this since he's already been brought, and as he and Eggman begin to fistfight over the failure of their plot the Freedom Fighters leave, satisfied that their job is done. Their true intentions become clear very quickly, as due to Robotnik's manner of return, his molecules were very unstable, and in the middle of the fight he vanishes back into oblivion, causing Eggman to punch Snively accidentally and then become furious at his loss once again.

This story basically ended up going nowhere, as Robotnik really, truly is gone for good this time, but I suspect it was mostly written as a lead-in to the two character files we'll be perusing today - one on the original Robotnik, and the other on Eggman, AKA Robo-Robotnik. We'll be skipping the explanations of their life stories, as we already know all of it - no new information is provided - and instead we'll look at the technical details. First of all are their height and weight. These details are identical for both entities, as they come from near-identical backgrounds in their respective zones. Their height is 189 cm or 6'2", which is only one inch taller than their game counterpart. However, their weight is where we run into a bit of a problem. Given all the tasteless jokes made especially in the early days of the comic about how fat and humongous and gargantuan Robotnik is, how heavy exactly would you imagine he is? I bet you didn't guess 61.7 kg or 135.8 lbs. That is not just an absurdly low weight for a being of his stature, that is my own weight. I'm pretty sure this is just a big oversight on the part of the writer, because there's no way in hell an obese six-foot-tall man shares his weight with an average-height, average-build girl in her early 20s. For Eggman, however, though I'm sure he shared his body type with Robotnik when he existed within his own zone, those stats are likely to be a bit different now due to his being a robot in a new body and all.

As far as their ages, this is where they differ significantly. They shared their early history in their respective zones, so both were born on the same birthday of September 10. However, the original Robotnik died at age 45, almost 46, when the Ultimate Annihilator went off. I include "almost 46" because the character file actually gives an exact date of death, June 13, meaning we now know to the day exactly when Endgame occurred. Endgame played out over the course of three days, so that whole shebang started on June 11, which was also the day Sally supposedly died before the truth was revealed. Please keep this date in mind, it will become important in a few issues. Eggman's reality, on the other hand, diverged a few years before Endgame, resulting in his own roboticization at the age of 43. At this point, his physical age likely "froze" since he was no longer bound by the aging process of flesh and blood, while his mental age continued to progress. His zone's timeline has already surpassed that of Mobius Prime, as in that zone Sonic and Sally were married with children, so mentally he'd more likely be somewhere in his late fifties or early sixties. Makes sense to me, though original Robotnik was certainly a little younger than I had imagined him to be.

"…A Girl Named Hope!"

Writer: Karl Bollers Pencils: J. Axer Colors: Josh & Aimee Ray

Sally has received a letter from Hope Kintobor, who was taken along to Station Square with the rest of the refugees, and decides to bring it to her parents to read it out to them. Hope proves herself to be a very well-spoken young girl in the letter, writing about how when she and her people first landed on the outskirts of Robotropolis and she saw Sonic, she thought he looked scary, as she'd never seen a Mobian before. However, over the course of living in the city, she began to mistrust her uncle after seeing more evidence of his roboticization of Mobians, and eventually realized that the Mobians were better than she had been led to believe after witnessing them rescue both their roboticized brethren and the rest of the Overlanders.

She describes how most of her life in space, ever since she was two years old, was spent in cryosleep, learning about the history of their home planet, including the details of the Great War between her people and the Mobians. They only ended up returning because their ship's power supply began to fail, but now, she no longer feels at home amongst her people, with the loss of her stepfather and grandmother.

This is honestly a very sweet story, and I'm glad we'll be seeing more of Hope. She was definitely the most interesting character among the Overlanders, and she's obviously a very observant and intelligent girl.

Reunification (Part 3)

Writer: Ken Penders Pencils: Dawn Best Colors: J&A Ray

Lara-Le is not at all happy about Knuckles' decision to join up with the Legion, even scolding him for what his father will likely think when he finds out. Knuckles becomes defensive and asks her why they can't just hear him out first, and she replies that she thinks he's too much of a threat to her children.

Wow, Lara-Le, you and Wynmacher have been pretty busy then, huh? That's a pretty big gap between your kids' ages there - Knuckles is gonna be seventeen by the time that baby is born, assuming that Mobian echidnas have a similar gestational period to humans. While he and his mother continue to discuss matters, Dimitri goes before the council to argue his case for reuniting echidna society. Most of the members present have obvious misgivings, but one Mitre agrees that society should come back together instead of fighting, though he expresses some disapproval of Dimitri's methods through such extensive cybernetics. While they continue to argue things out, Lara-Su waits outside Lara-Le's apartment, waiting for Knuckles to come out so she can spy on him and ensure he's not killed. He exits, and she follows him to the council chambers, witnessing him talk briefly with Lien-Da on the steps outside the building. She recognizes Lien-Da as "the one person Mom absolutely refuses to talk about." The two go inside, and Knuckles steps forward to express his reluctant support for Dimitri, commanding the respect of those present since they know he's fought with Dimitri many times before. Interestingly, the current echidna government is referred to as "the theocracy" in contrast to Dimitri's "technocracy" - elements of an echidna religion have been hinted at here and there, such as Lara-Le praying in the Aurorium, and the councilor all the way back when Dimitri first "died" quoting from what sounded like some kind of bible, but I think this is the first indication we've ever had that the current government is literally a theocracy, running according to a religious tradition instead of an intellectual one. This puts an interesting - and even more worrying - spin on the whole "banning technology" thing, as real life has shown time and again that religious fundamentalism almost always leads to hypocrisy and needlessly-restricted personal freedoms, which honestly fits exactly with everything that we've seen over the echidnas' history so far. But anyway, while Knuckles says his piece about trying to work together and resolve differences, Lara-Su tries to badger her way into the council chambers, only to be stopped by a guard.

What a cliffhanger! I'm sure there's no way she's interpreting the situation wrong due to not seeing everything that's happened up to this point, right? Right?

#nala reads archie sonic preboot #archie sonic #archie sonic preboot #sonic the hedgehog #sth 108 #writer: benny lee #writer: karl bollers #writer: ken penders #pencils: ron lim #pencils: jeff axer #pencils: dawn best #colors: joshua d ray #colors: aimee r ray

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arcanaaa · 5 years

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CANON DIVERGENCE:

01. ALCOHOL TOLERANCE:

First and foremost, I want it made clear that for my portrayal Cana absolutely does not start drinking at age 13. At the earliest she starts just as she turns 16 and not as heavily as implied until around when she turns 18 when she comes around into her own as a woman and mage. Her tolerance I will keep, however, when she wakes up during the Seven Year Arc with the rest of the core members of Fairy Tail, Cana’s alcohol tolerance does drop significantly, which would explain why she lost in her drinking contest to Bacchus (more on that later).

Another thing that I want to make clear is in absolutely no shape or form does Macao Conbolt have any influence over her decision to drink. I do not like the implication of her being influenced by a grown adult man, nor do I like the fact of there being any implication of there being a relationship. It’s not only inappropriate but also quite disgusting and I will not make any mention of that to my canon ever.

02. CARD MAGIC & FORTUNE TELLING

I have already established in a previous headcanon before hand but I am making this official here and now for my portrayal: Cana does have clairvoyance and some aspect of telling the future. However, while she primarily uses Tarot cards as her medium, Cana can receive visions of the future to some extent. However, she does not reveal what she see’s nor has she told anyone about her visions. The one time she told anyone of her predictions, no one believed her, to which Cana simply stopped trying.

Cana’s card magic is unique in that not only can she use it to requip (during the Fantasia arc she was able to change clothes), utilize spells for long range combat and cast elemental spells, as well as a means of communication but she can also cast her cards to create illusions and even travel through the cards diminsions if she needed a quick escape. This ability does not come to the forefront until after she meet’s Sho, but she is still able to master the ability after meeting him once.

03. TENROU ISLAND

This whole enire arc is solely for Cana’s character development and I would like to address a number of things but mainly, I want to focus on Cana’s tenacity and determination to become an S Class mage. She has failed multiple times and has been nominated multiple times to compete for the chance to earn the title of S Class mage and for Mashima to cheapen it, not only by her putting her friend and comrade to sleep so she can steal her victory, but to do this knowing something was wrong with her other comrades is unacceptable.

I understand where Cana is coming from. I do, but I also know Cana would never have abandoned her guildmates for the sake of her own agenda if there was the slightest possibilty of her friends lives’ being under duress, and for Mashima to write Cana in a light where she put her own desires before the safety and security of her guild-- of her family is unacceptable to me. So.

Cana does not put Lucy to sleep, but instead continues along with Lucy towards Mavis’s grave, where she attains Fairy Glitter with her help. (Eventually, I will discuss a thread on how it will happen or I will drabble this, but it is going to be established as canon for my portrayal) The battles that happen beforehand, such as the one she has with that Voodoo guy does not happen (Natsu would more than likely have been able to defeat him by some Nakama-powered bullshit I’m sure); however, the encounter with Bluenote does happen, and Cana is able to place considerable amount of damage to him before she is subdued and Gildarts steps in to fight him.

Another thing that also: the Fairy Glitter tattoo does cause her mild to severe nerve damage and leaves a burn imprint of the tattoo on her right forearm when she inserted her arm in the headstone for the spell to be transfered on her arm. When she wakes up 7 years later, the healing process is delayed, if not stopped by being under the Fairy Sphere’s influence, so her arm does not heal properly.

04. THE DRINKING CONTEST WITH BACCHUS

I absolutely refuse to accept that Bacchus could walk out of the guild with Cana’s top without retribution before hand and no, I do not condone Bacchus even leaving unscathed nor without his ‘trophy’. While I accept that Cana does lose in their drinking contest, I do not accept that she would have allowed him to take her clothinng and leave her exposed to her guilldmates. If nothing else, someone strong (likely Erza, Gray or Natsu given the meeting) would have punished him on Cana’s behalf, or Cana herself would attempted to defend herself-- but she would not be left topless and vulnerable.

05. FAIRY GLITTER

This get’s it’s own section for several reasons: one, because this is such a quintessencial part of my portrayal of Cana, and two, because I want to highlight this spell and the side effects of it.

Given that Fairy Glitter is one of the three Great Fairy Magics, it stands to reason that this spell is powerful enough to rival Fairy Law. It also should stand to reason that such a powerful spell would not come without consequence to casting such a spell. Like Ur’s Iced Shell or Ultear’s Arc of Time, these magics come at a great cost: for Cana, the nerves in her forearm are overloaded and shot to the point where she no longer feels any pain, and eventually she loses the ability to use her arm. The activation of this spell allows Cana first gathers light around her right arm, making her tattoo shining as she does so-- this concentrates energy atop her arm and eventually fries her nerves. However, because she is amassing power from literally the sun, moon and the stars-- essentially from the very Universe itself, the more Cana uses this spell, the closer she becomes to losing her arm entirely, and even close to dying.

Cana does lose her arm and she does almost die during the Alvarez Empire arc, due to casting Fairy Glitter in such a rapid succession to free Mavis from her emprisonment within the Lacrima crystal. It is through Mavis’s control of the spell, as she is the progenitor of the magic and Cana’s fortitude that she did not die, however, once Mavis’s presence ceases to be, Cana experiences pain that leaves her crippled, rendering her incapable of moving her arrm.

It is by sheer force of will that she is able to cast Fairy Glitter one last time to aid in the battle against August, and though the spell does not defeat him, the use of the spell nearly killed her as a result. In the end Cana came away unscathed for the most part, all except for the loss of her right forearm & most of her arm, where a magical prostetic is attached in place of her missing limb.

06. THE TARTAROUS ARC

First of all, when the dust settled after the battle was done the guild damn well thanked Cana for saving their lives before the guild exploded. Maybe in not so many words, but Cana did not ensure that everyone was safe and carried away before the bomb could go off and destroy everyone (including those that were in the infirmary) only for everyone to go about their day. Nope.

That doesn’t mean Cana expected anyone to thank her because she was doing what anyone would have done-- she protected her family, as is her duty. But they show appreciation for her saving all of their lives.

07. GILDARTS

I have a lot of criticism about Ma.shi.ma’s writing, but one thing I will say is that he did right by the development in Gildarts and Cana’s relationship-- and I mean this from a personal stand point, as I have experienced a similar situation that Cana has.

A few things to note here is that unlike what the manga & anime portray, my portrayal will show Cana making attempts to confess to Gildarts. Canon in this aspect will still remain the same, but when she is younger, Cana makes many attempts to confess the truth of her birth. Her anxiety and discouragement is a very real thing, but it won’t hinder Cana’s ability to approach her father while he plays with the other kids in the guild. Young Cana would want Gildarts involved in her life as much as possible given his perchance to wandering; however, as she grows older her need to confess grows along with her desire to become an S-Class mage. I want to preface this by saying that Cana admires her father. As a mage and a man with the reputation of being the Ace of Fairy Tail. But as a parent, that relationship is still raw and new. Cana has learned to become independent, reliant and responsible solely for herself, which leaves little room for Gildarts in her life.

And Cana does want Gildarts in her life, but not as a means of atoning for what could have been. She was quite serious about maintaining how their relationship was before he knew about Cana being his daughter, and so she does not want that aspect of their relationship to change.

#█ ▌ ╰ ☾ ╮ ┆ 「meta.」#█ ▌ ╰ ☾ ╮ ┆ 「headcanon.」#canon divergence tag #long post /#I might write another divergence headcanon but! these points I want Known on my blog

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vinodiriso · 5 years

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Misconception I would like people to drop when approaching my muses, Naruto edition.

Since I am sick and tired of people assuming stuff, especially since I have a huge fucking detailed muse page for both Yoshino and Shikaku where you can find: a) backstory ; b) family ; c) a lot of headcanons; and more, I will just list here the things that make me the most mad when people approach my muses:

Shikaku is emotionally barren and/or emotionally blocked. No, he is not. Shikaku is a man that can deal pretty well with his emotions, a man that has no problem showing his affection and his care. This DOES NOT mean Shikaku is a fluffy, happy-go-lucky man, 'cause he is pretty rough around the edge and he will give you a pretty consistent telling off if you happen to fuck up. Shikaku is not a soft man to most, but sure as hell he is not going to watch his son or any people he loves suffer and isolate themselves and not trying to do something about it.

Yoshino is a nagging, loud, Chichi-kind of mother. NO. NOPE. NIET. IE. NO AGAIN. I have spent four goddamn years developing this muse and I won't let anyone disrespect her by forcing onto her the standards of a canon which did nothing but disrespect women. There is a reason why Yoshino is listed in my rules and in my muse page as CANON DIVERGENT. Yoshino is for sure the stricter parent, when the choice is between her and Shikaku, but in my canon she would not (never!!) be a mother like: "Shikamaru, do this!", "Shikamaru, do that!". Yoshino is ABSOLUTELY a terrifying mother, but for other reasons, cue: the light in her eyes when she is disappointed, the grimace she takes on when Shikamaru rolls his eyes at her, the fact that once Shikamaru saw her and dad sparring and dad got his ass handed at him with so much finesse and elegance it was scary.

Shikaku was a bad father to Shikamaru. This shit leaves me perplexed as fuck because even in canon Shikaku shows to be a pretty decent parent, but even so. In your personal canon, dude, you can do the shit you most like; heck, in your canon, Shikamaru could be a fucking orphan. But if you come to me to interact with a Shikaku and demand from me to make him a disinterested, neglecting father, completely ignoring my own canon, then please, fuck off. There are other Shikaku's out there. My Shikaku loves his son more dearly than his fucking life. Sure, he has made mistakes. Sure, it has happened that father and son won't click together (that's why Shikamaru has such a deep relationship with Asuma, and why Shikaku feels inferior to him). But if you think that Shikaku didn't want to go out himself to find Kakuzu and Hidan to settle the score after the pain they had inflicted to his son--- you are fucking wrong. And if you think that Shikaku wasn't the proudest father when Shikamaru came home.... well, again, I am not the Shikaku you need.

Yoshino has nothing in common with Shikamaru. HA! Fool. Who do you think he took from the passion he has in his chest? Who do you think he got from his need to even the wrongdoings? Who do you think he got from the passion for revenge? Who do you think he took from his attachment to the people he loves? Sure, as I said before, Shikaku can love (and very much so), but Yoshino would never accept to fail or disappoint the people she cares for. Hell, the converging points of Shikamaru and Yoshino's characters are so many that it's no surprise mother and son have a hard time communicating. Both of them are emotional people but both of them try their hardest to deny and defy any struggle, any pain. Because they both are prideful fuckers.

I think this covers it. For now. This has been Mirin for "please, read about my characters before approaching them". Will keep in touch.

#i swear to god the amount of time i am forced to read this shit when people interact with my muses is disheartening #i mean as long as shikamaru's parents are your npcs -- fine go for the interpretation you most like #but if you approach me and expect me to say yes to your completely disrespectful headcanons then dude let me tell you very very gently #fuck the fuck off #jesus christ #shikaku (headcanon)#yoshino (headcanon)#shikaku nara.#yoshino yukinohana/nara.#long post #naruto content

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i-want-my-iwtv · 7 years

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I'm going to be roleplaying with someone and they want to do a mother/son relationship, like not in the usual way. Like, what is the ACTUAL relationship between Gabrielle and Lestat? What is it really? I want to do a thread, but I don't want to trigger anyone or make it look all grim and incestuous. And I sincerely apologize if I've offended you by asking the question. I just dunno.

[By the way, I usually answer things with a relevant fanart/image/gif, but in this case, I think it’s too serious a topic for that.]

“And I sincerely apologize if I’ve offended you by asking the question.”

No offense taken, it’s a fair question!

I am a little wary that this is a bait set out by those who see things in RP/fiction as “promoting” something in real life. A bait set to invite the kind of anti-shippers who are looking for a way to tear me down regardless of how I respond, when all I ever want to promote is:

The 3 Laws of Fandom.

(And I’ll quote a relevant piece of it from @ozhawkauthor, but please read the whole post):

“Much (though not all) fandom is about shipping. There are as many possible ships as there are fans, maybe more. You may have an OTP (One True Pairing), you may have a NOTP, that pairing that makes you want to barf at the very thought of its existence.

It’s not up to you to police ships or to determine what other people are allowed to ship. Just because you find that one particular ship problematic or disgusting, does not mean that other people are not allowed to explore its possibilities in their fanworks.

You are free to create contrarian content, to write meta about why a particular ship is repulsive, to discuss it endlessly on your private blog with like-minded persons.

It is not appropriate to harass creators about their ships, it is not appropriate to demand they do not create any more fanworks about those ships, or that they create fanwork only in a manner that you deem appropriate.

These three laws add up to the following:

You are not paying for fanworks content, and you have no rights to it other than to choose to consume it, or not consume it. If you do choose to consume it, do not then attack the creator if it wasn’t to your taste. That’s the height of bad manners.

Be courteous in fandom. It makes the whole experience better for all of us.”

I want to make it very clear that I’m answering this as someone who supports exploring dark themes and taboo topics in fiction/RP. As long as you are not violating real living person’s rights, or invading any real living person’s space*, then you are doing nothing wrong. I’ve been blocked. I try to tag for things that can be triggering/upsetting to others, but I will not self-censor to appease everyone, so I absolutely support ppl unfollowing/blocking me if what I post makes them uncomfortable.

*Posting your fic/RP with the appropriate warning tags is a form of respecting others’ space and rights. If they don’t like your writing, they can block you, too. Their dashboard is their responsibility.

“I want to do a thread, but I don’t want to trigger anyone or make it look all grim and incestuous.”

I think grim and incestuous could be very interesting to explore; not every fic/RP can be a fluffy Coffee Shop AU!

Re: Concern about triggering anyone, I’ll repeat myself, it is everyone’s responsibility to curate their own fandom experience and as long as you are tagging and putting content under cuts, it is their responsibility to protect themselves. If they are incapable of that, then they should ask a trusted person to monitor their internet use.

People are triggered by many things, not just taboo and darker themed writing. This person’s triggers are Jello, Popsicles, Soup Broth, please read it! And to quote from that post, “a lot of ‘activists’ on tumblr aren’t looking to actually help anyone or make anything better: they’re sadists cruising for new victims.”

TL; DR: Anon, do what you and your partner are comfortable doing.** If RPing it as a ship squicks you both out, don’t do it. If Rping it as a ship is exciting to you both and you want to explore that taboo, go for it! Just be sure to tag it with the right warnings, and add cuts so that ppl will be protected from content they may not want to see. You can also RP privately however you like, there is no rule that says RP must be done publicly.

**If your RP partner is pressuring you to RP something you are uncomfortable with, then I would suggest not RPing that with them, and similarly, if you are pressuring your RP partner to RP something they are uncomfortable with, I would suggest not pressuring them into it.

Hit the jump for my response, cut for length, and discussion about possible incest between fictional characters.

“I’m going to be roleplaying with someone and they want to do a mother/son relationship, like not in the usual way.”

Is there a “usual way” to RP? If you’re suggesting in the ship way, it is something I’m sure exists.

Ppl RP with canon in mind, or without it.

“Like, what is the ACTUAL relationship between Gabrielle and Lestat? What is it really?”

That is a question with a ton of landmines, so I’m not going to say that they are definitely a ship or definitely not, it’s up to the individual reader/RPer to decide based on their reading of canon, or diverge from canon and write the characters however they see fit. This kind of exploration is one of many ways to engage with the characters and I see nothing wrong with canon-compliant or not canon-compliant writing, either way.

Personally, I can see both sides of the argument.

>>Not as a ship: There are some who see them purely as a mother and a son, and DEFINITELY nothing more. She does come to his rescue at the rock concert (how did she know to go to him? She has telepathy, but being his fledgling, she cannot read Lestat’s mind; she could have picked up the warnings from other vampires, or Louis might have contacted her), there are several times in canon when she asserts herself in an authoritative manner. She’s protective of him when he’s in a coma, and she slaps some sense into him when necessary. All these things can be filed under “motherly.”

It’s easy to not ship them, so I don’t really need to provide further canon evidence, they are, biologically, mother and son! There’s nothing more to add to that.

>>As a ship, Unpopular Opinion: one could argue that they can be shipped, because:

A) He becomes her maker, which changes their relationship to him being more of the “parent.”

- During the initial phase of Lestat turning Gabrielle in TVL, as he’s taking her life, he says she’s no longer his mother (to be fair, this is the kind of intimacy a vampire feels when feeding on anyone, but still, worth mentioning):

Myknowledge dimmed and flickered and there was no mother anymore,no petty need and petty terror; she was simply who she was. She wasGabrielle.

- Then, once she’s turned, she insists on being called by her name instead of “Mother,” so some take that as proof that she doesn’t see herself as being his mother anymore, in the mortal sense of the word.

B) The act of making a vampire is extremely intimate, it has been compared to childbirth. It’s the most intimate act a vampire can share with anyone. I believe in fanon that it creates a physiological bond between maker and fledgling, so one could extrapolate to say that the act itself could create a ship.

Note: In most maker/fledgling relationships, there is some assumption that turning the fledgling is done to bind maker and fledgling as a ship; essentially making the fledgling into a companion for the maker and the maker into a companion for the fledgling. In this case, Lestat turned Gabrielle in order to save her life, not knowing if he would even survive the act, so I don’t think this was a factor here, neither of them necessarily intending to be in a relationship together, but the physiological bond discussed above would still be a possibility.

Also worth mentioning is that he asks for her consent, as he had not been asked for consent himself, and the question is very clear:

No words again, just the silent thrust of it, and the question, more immense than could ever be put into words, Do you want to come with me now? DO YOU WANT TO COME WITH ME INTO THIS NOW? I hide nothing from you, not my ignorance, not my fear, not the simple terror that if I try I might fail. I do not even know if it is mine to give more than once, or what is the price of giving it, but I will risk this for you, and we will discover it together, whatever the mystery and the terror, just as I’ve discovered alone all else. With her wholebeing she said Yes.

^This could be construed as him wanting her for a companion and her agreeing to it.

C) LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX. This is a point of debate for many fans, whether the Ricean vampires can have penetrative sex. In my opinion, in canon they cannot, and while penetrative sex is NOT A REQUIREMENT to a relationship (there are relationships where there is no penetrative sex and they are no less valid than those which do have it, in my opinion), the incestuous aspect of a Lestat/Gabrielle ship is alot less squicky for me knowing that they aren’t able to literally bone in the mortal way. Some would argue that the bloodsharing is more intimate than penetrative sex, and that’s fine, but still, being unable to literally bone is just so much less squicky, in my opinion. But ppl made fanart of essentially that and it was still very funny, to me!

Call it what you will, but the first bloodkiss shared in canon is between Lestat and Gabrielle on the night she is turned.

^^^ALL THAT SAID, I wouldn’t shoot anyone down who ships it, they are both adult fictional characters. One could argue that there is some canon evidence to support it, but canon evidence is unnecessary.

Again, Anon, do what you and your partner are comfortable doing. If RPing it as a ship squicks you both out, don’t do it. If Rping it as a ship is exciting to you both and you want to explore that taboo, go for it! Just be sure to tag it with the right warnings, and add cuts so that ppl will be protected from content they may not want to see. You can also RP privately however you like, there is no rule that says RP must be done publicly.

If your RP partner is pressuring you to RP something you are uncomfortable with, then I would suggest not RPing with them, and similarly, if you are pressuring your RP partner to RP something they are uncomfortable with, I would suggest not pressuring them into it.

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neuxue · 7 years

Text

Wheel of Time liveblogging: The Gathering Storm ch 17

In which Cadsuane and Perrin discover the value of introspection

Chapter 17: Questions of Control

Hello Semirhage.

“You should be more careful,” Sarene said from inside the room. “The Amyrlin seat, we have much influence with her.”

…Really? The first oath allows you to say that? Because um…no, you have virtually no influence with either of the claimants to the Amyrlin Seat at this point.

Also that is never going to work on Semirhage, so you may as well save your breath.

Light only knew what would happen if Semirhage got free.

Oh don’t worry, I’m sure we’ll never find out, and there’s absolutely no reason whatsoever to be concerned…

Cadsuane clearly doesn’t think much of Sarene’s line of questioning either. Nor does she think much of Sarene. Or any of the other Aes Sedai sworn to Rand. But that’s hardly news.

At times, it seemed that half of her allies were only determined to make her job harder.

That goes for pretty much the entire side of the Light, really. They’d do a lot better if they all stopped getting in each other’s way and learned how to cooperate.

Cadsuane herself had yet to address any questions to the Forsaken personally. The other Aes Sedai looked at her as an almost mythic figure, a reputation she had nurtured. She’d stayed away from the White Tower for many decades at a time, ensuring that many would assume she was dead. When she reappeared, it made a stir. She’d gone hunting false Dragons, both because it was necessary and because each man she captured added to her reputation with the other Aes Sedai.

Whatever else she is, Cadsuane is remarkably self-aware. And she makes no apologies for who she is. She tries to see people as they are, and she extends that same scrutiny to herself, and for the most part she’s good at accepting the unvarnished truth. She’s wrong sometimes, but overall she doesn’t lie to herself nearly as much as most.

And this is definitely here to bring back the notion of similarity between Cadsuane and Semirhage. Which is an interesting one to think about – there absolutely are some similarities, but there are some fairly obvious differences as well, and I always enjoy that kind of setup where you can find the common points but also look at where they diverge and why and how.

Also, Moiraine is going to end up with a similar reputation if she comes out of this whole thing alive. Spending long periods of time away from the Tower, torching Forsaken, missing presumed dead but actually in an alternate dimension…oh, and that little thing about finding the Dragon Reborn. Have fun being a legend!

All of her work pointed at these final days.

So there’s one point of difference. Cadsuane may well have started building her reputation purely to satisfy her ego, but she seems now to use it more as another tool in her arsenal as she works towards accomplishing her goals. That’s not to say she doesn’t have an ego, or that that doesn’t still play a part in it, but her focus at least now is on the world, and specifically on the Dragon Reborn. She said as much to Rand, even, constrained by the three oaths: “Whatever I do, it will be for your own good; not mine, not the good of the White Tower, yours.” It’s an opinion statement, so the three oaths don’t guarantee that everything she does will be good for him, but it’s pretty clear on her intentions. She’s not in this primarily for herself. Semirhage, on the other hand, very much is.

She was slowly losing control, thread by thread. Once, something as dramatic as the squabbles at the White Tower would have drawn her immediate attention. But she couldn’t begin to work on that problem. Creation itself was unravelling, and her only way to fight that was to return all her efforts on al’Thor.

And he resisted her every attempt to aid him. Step by step he was becoming a man with insides like stone, unmoving and unable to adapt. A statue with no feelings could not face the Dark One.

Once again she’s spot-on with her assessment of the situation; where she potentially errs is in her approach to addressing the problems she’s identified.

This touches on one of the things that I most enjoy about Cadsuane: she’s a flawed character whose flaws do not render her incompetent or ‘evil’, and yet are not mere token flaws but instead are believable and integral parts of her character. It’s a surprisingly difficult balance to strike with any character, but especially with one as experienced, intelligent, and powerful as Cadsuane is. The balance of partially-antagonistic-but-not-evil is another difficult one to pull off. In combination, it makes her an impressive and rather fascinating character.

Often, in order to create character flaws, drive conflict, and/or make The Hero look good, a character is rendered incompetent (either permanently or momentarily) in a particular area. Too often, this is done in a way that strains suspension of disbelief, or else is just cliché, frustrating, or transparent.

Side characters suffer from this far more often than protagonists – though protagonists are absolutely susceptible – in part because protagonists are a little easier to believably flaw. They’re frequently young, which means things like lack of experience are perfectly believable and legitimate sources of conflict or difficulty. Otherwise, they’re competent in many areas but then dropped into a story they’re wholly unprepared for. They’re also in the spotlight more and often are the primary viewpoint, which can help convey more nuance.

Cadsuane, though, is about as prepared for the Last Battle as anyone of this Age could be. She’s also got a whole host of admirable traits, and knows how to use them. She’s out of her depth only by virtue of the fact that the apocalypse is a little over any non-deity’s paygrade. This, then, all makes her prime villain material – or at the very least, prime antagonist material. Yet she is neither. She leans towards antagonistic at times, but she’s on The Hero’s team and is actively trying to help him, and he respects her even if he doesn’t like her or agree with her.

At this point, if we can’t make her incompetent and we can’t make her evil – or at the very least an obstacle that must be overcome – we have to kill her. She’s the instigator, the Wise Mentor, the ‘there’s the plotroad and here’s the map, now go fuck things up and have an adventure’ character who knows too much and can do too much that they’d break the story if they stick around because what would the heroes do?

Except…she’s not. She’s flawed in such a way that allows her to avoid all of these pitfalls. She’s good at just about everything she does, and she’s good at reading situations and she knows a hell of a lot, but sometimes that’s not enough. Her judgement is sound but her mindset is not perfect, and so you get these interesting situations where her approaches make a great deal of sense, but that doesn’t guarantee that they’ll work, or that she’s made the right choice. And there’s all kinds of conflict that stems from this as well, obviously, especially between her and Rand.

Not to mention the whole issue of morality that comes in where Cadsuane is concerned. It frequently comes down to the question of whether or not the ends justify the means, except then the means only partially succeed, or even fail outright, so it’s more whether or not the aims justify the means.

Anyway, Cadsuane fascinates me as a character. I love characters who inhabit their roles ever so slightly differently than the archetypes say they should, or who raise these sorts of moral questions without necessarily answering them.

Cadsuane itched to go in and confront the woman, but Merise had asked the very questions Cadsuane would have, and she had failed. How long would Cadsuane’s image remain intact if she proved herself as impotent as the others?

It’s a valid question. Again, not purely for selfish purposes, but because Cadsuane’s image is a tool she relies on, and if she breaks it, there would likely be more consequences than simple humiliation.

“Aes Sedai?” Semirhage responded, chuckling. “Don’t you feel ashamed, using that term to describe yourselves? Like a puppy calling itself a wolf!”

“We may not know everything, I admit, but—”

“You know nothing,” Semirhage replied. “You are children playing with your parents’ toys.”

Well she’s not entirely wrong.

She’s not entirely right, true – the Aes Sedai of this Age have discovered some things that were unknown or believed impossible even in Semirhage’s time – but…she’s not entirely wrong.

Cadsuane tapped the side of her tea cup with her index finger. Again, she was struck by the similarities between herself and Semirhage – and again, those similarities made her insides itch.

It’s a really interesting inversion of the classic villain-delivered ‘we’re not so different, you and I’. I really like this whole train of thought, and the way Cadsuane is uncomfortable with it but also forces herself to think about it and figure out how it can be used.

Semirhage throws her food. Semirhage you are three thousand, not three.

They were all so jumpy around the Forsaken. They weren’t deferential, but they did treat Semirhage with a measure of respect. How could they not? She was a legend. One did not enter the presence of such a creature – one of the most evil beings ever to live – and not feel at least a measure of awe.

Measure of awe…

“That’s our mistake,” Cadsuane whispered.

Sorilea all but told you that. Semirhage is human. And if you’re hesitant or visibly afraid or – especially – visibly in awe, the balance of power in the room is virtually never going to be in your favour.

And of course, nearly everyone Cadsuane interacts with regards her with a measure of awe, so she has some experience of how it feels to be on that end of things. That’s certainly something she can use – because one accustomed to being viewed and treated that way may well be shaken by someone who doesn’t treat them so.

It all came back to a single question. How would Cadsuane break herself? The solution was easy, now that it had occurred to her.

Once more with the unflinching self-analysis and self-awareness. How would you break yourself? It’s not a particularly comfortable question to address. Amongst other things, it requires honestly acknowledging vulnerability, which is hard for anyone and especially for someone like Cadsuane, who is regarded as legendary. Not to mention the fact that by acting on any solution, she would be showing others how to break her, should anyone else see the same similarity between them.

“Ah,” Cadsuane said with a no-nonsense attitude. “I see that the child has refused her meal. Sarene, release your weaves.”

Semirhage raised her eyebrows and opened her mouth to scoff, but as Sarene released her weaves of Air, Cadsuane grabbed Semirhage by the hair and –with a casual sweep of her foot – knocked the woman’s legs out from beneath her, dropping her to the floor.

And, at least momentarily, definitely upsetting the balance of power. It’s abrupt and it’s surprising and it’s unlike anything Semirhage has likely experienced from just about anyone.

Prior to now, everyone Semirhage has interacted with – including most of the other Forsaken – has been a little afraid of her, and she knows it. So she can stand here confident in her superiority and secure in the knowledge that none of these Aes Sedai can do anything to her. Except Cadsuane shows up and completely breaks that pattern, introducing at least a moment of doubt or uncertainty. After so long of being able to probably predict fairly accurately how everyone would respond to her, Semirhage may not have even thought to prepare for this sort of approach. Because as far as she’s concerned it isn’t possible, especially in this Age.

In saying that, I’m reminded of Elaida last chapter. So certain of her place and of how things would go that she could be shaken by a well-aimed and entirely unexpected attack.

Cadsuane hasn’t won yet, of course, but she’s changed the game. Now, like Egwene, she has to make sure she presses the advantage before Semirhage can recover.

Cadsuane knelt down with one knee on the woman’s back, then shoved her face forward into the spilled food. “Eat,” she said. “I don’t approve of wasted food, child, particularly during these times.”

Quite literally pressing the advantage, it would seem.

I am intrigued by how this parallels Egwene’s confrontation of Elaida last chapter, but with the small reversal of how ‘child’ is used. Last chapter, Elaida was casually dismissing Egwene as a novice, as ‘child’, as insignificant, and that underestimation became Elaida’s vulnerability. Here, Cadsuane holds the rough analogue of Egwene’s position as far as roles in the confrontation go, but is using ‘child’ and the whole idea of underestimation as a weapon.

Semirhage is…not best pleased. And is swearing up a storm, but sadly Elayne is not there to learn the words.

[Semirhage] didn’t fight back. Cadsuane wouldn’t have either; that would only hurt her image.

I like that Cadsuane is continuing to approach this as she would approach breaking herself. She knows how she would react to certain things, and so that gives her a slight advantage in that she can at least sort of predict what Semirhage will do. And therefore how to proceed.

They had tried all measure of torture available to them under al’Thor’s requirements, but each of those had betrayed esteem. They were treating Semirhage as a dangerous force and a worthy enemy. That would only bolster her ego.

Indeed. And I think it probably goes beyond that; it’s an ego thing, of course, but to be stripped of it is quite likely one of the few things that could potentially frighten Semirhage. Her reputation and the fear and awe and respect accorded to her by everyone else help to make her invincible. And so long as people continue to respond to her that way, she knows she has power over them, and she knows how to play them. But when someone treats her as Cadsuane just has, without showing any trace of fear, I think on some level she might fear why Cadsuane is so comfortable. Why is she not afraid? What does Cadsuane have, or know, that lets her disregard one such as Semirhage? The surprise is part of it, and the…humiliation I guess, is part of it, but I also think the uncertainty Cadsuane’s actions must cause is a part of it as well. If you aren’t sure where you stand, you can’t be sure you’re invulnerable anymore.

“Are you going to eat?” Cadsuane asked.

“I will kill you,” Semirhage said calmly.

OH MAN this is excellent. Ah, what a response. I love her. I love this. Semirhage may have been momentarily shaken by Cadsuane – literally and psychologically – but she’s not going to break quite that easily. Still, while the delivery is calm, it’s not the most creative of Semirhage’s threats. She’s using what she’s used before on all the rest of them, to shake them, but I don’t think that’s going to work on Cadsuane. Not now that Cadsuane has determined to follow through with this approach.

Still, “I will kill you” delivered flatly as a response, especially when in a position of any vulnerability whatsoever, is a Thing that I enjoy. (And yes, if you’ve read Mistborn Secret History and you thought of that one conversation, you’re right, it does indeed kill me every single time).

“I see,” Cadsuane replied. “Sarene, go tell the three Sisters outside to come in.” Cadsuane paused, thoughtful. “Also, I saw some maids cleaning rooms on the other side of the hallway. Fetch them for me as well.”

Does…she want an audience? To completely ignore Semirhage’s reputation herself is one thing, but if she can destroy it in front of everyone else, all the others who previously feared her and looked at her as a legend, all those who play any part in keeping her prisoner…

As they entered, Cadsuane used her threads of Air to turn Semirhage around across her knee. And then she proceeded to spank the Forsaken.

That’s one way to do it, I suppose. It’s certainly not something Semirhage would ever have even thought to expect – though really she should have if she’s read the rest of the series – and it absolutely serves the purpose of demeaning her in front of a crowd of people who once were in awe of her.

Really, I think the only thing keeping me from enjoying this as much as I otherwise might have is the fact that there’s just so much spanking in these books, and sometimes in ways that I find either awkward or uncomfortable. It doesn’t help that I find the whole idea of spanking kind of…weird and vaguely discomfiting – not in the sexual sense; if it’s someone’s kink I can respect that and I’m not judging, but otherwise it’s just…I don’t know. I think in that regard it’s an issue of different times/upbringings/cultural and social contexts/etc between me and Robert Jordan. So, okay.

But in this scene, I can absolutely see the rationale behind it, and as an approach it makes a lot of sense. And sure, there are other ways to accomplish the same effect, but I suppose in the context of this world and story, this probably is the first and most efficient way that would occur to Cadsuane or someone in her position.

Semirhage’s threats turned to howls of outrage and pain. The serving girl with the food returned in the middle of it, adding even more to Semirhage’s shame. The Aes Sedai watched with slack jaws.

So the comparison my brain provided here was Egwene meeting her toh to the Wise Ones. Being spanked in front of a group of onlookers, thus enduring both pain and shame. But in Egwene’s case, it was about restoring her honour and her standing amongst them, and thus was a scene of triumph. This, though it looks almost identical, is exactly the opposite. It’s about humiliation, and about stripping Semirhage of all honour and standing amongst those who watch, and thus is a scene of defeat.

Given my love of parallels and inversions, it should come as no surprise that I really like this notion of two scenes that look almost the same, but serve nearly opposite purposes.

“Now,” Cadsuane said after a few moments, breaking into one of Semirhage’s howls of pain. “Will you eat?”

“I’ll find everyone you’ve ever loved,” the Forsaken said, tears in her eyes, “I’ll feed them to each other while you watch. I’ll—”

If there were an award for most creative and unsettling threats, I think Semirhage would win. Especially if we can add in such statements as “enough to cover the whole Crystal Throne” which may not precisely be a threat but who cares, it’s close enough.

Though. Having said that. She may face some competition from Mazrim “Kneel and swear to the Lord Dragon. Or you will be knelt” Taim. Because you have to award points for shiver-inducing semantics.

The crowd in the room watched in amazed silence. Semirhage began to cry – not from the pain, but from the humiliation. That was the key. Semirhage could not be defeated by pain or by persuasion – but destroying her image, that would be more terrible in her mind than any other punishment. Just as it would have been for Cadsuane.

And Cadsuane has exposed a certain degree of vulnerability in herself by doing this. Not overtly, because you’d have to understand her and also what she’s doing well enough to realise that the same sort of thing would work on her, but she has exposed it. Which takes guts.

As for the rest…yes. It is entirely about humiliation and shame and being made helpless while her reputation as something more – and more terrifying – than merely human is shattered in front of everyone watching. Not just in front of witnesses, but in front of people Semirhage considered so far beneath her as to barely even register. It’s a very long way to fall.

For some reason, though, the image of Semirhage crying tries my suspension of disbelief a bit. I’m not entirely sure why, and I don’t think it would work as well if she didn’t, because the whole point is that Cadsuane is breaking that image and everything that goes with it, but it still feels weird. Maybe I just like Semirhage too much.

Actually no, I think I do know what it is. In which case, it’s just me, carry on.

Cadsuane stilled her hand after a few more minutes, releasing the weaves that held Semirhage motionless. “Will you eat?” she asked.

“I—”

Cadsuane raised her hand, and Semirhage practically leapt off of her lap and scrambled onto the floor, eating the beans.

This feels too abrupt. And yes, I fully acknowledge how ridiculous a statement that is when this is book 12 of 14, but it still feels like it happened a bit too quickly. It feels as if this scene only made it halfway from outline to fully formed chapter, in places.

Oh well. I don’t mind all that much; I’d rather this scene be less than absolutely stellar than other more ‘major’ scenes. And I like a lot of the concepts in this one, particularly the way Cadsuane uses this comparison between herself and Semirhage – she’s not entirely exempt from her own ruthless pragmatism, as it turns out – and how the idea of image and perception is played with here. It’s something the series as a whole has frequently dealt with, in variations, and it’s something I will almost always enjoy.

And now we’re with Perrin. That’s an odd jump, but sure.

Perrin had time. Time to rest, time to limp away, time – he’d hoped – to use gateways to trasnport away most of these refugees.

Time to rest? Perrin. There are two and a half books left. Of fourteen. You’re not going to have time to rest today, or maybe ever.

Thousands upon thousands of people, a nightmare to coordinate and administer to.

I misread that at first as a listing of responsibilities. 1: thousands of people. 2: gotta do some maintenance on that nightmare I’ve been working on.

Why this seemed like a logical reading of that sentence, I have no idea. Thanks, brain.

But Perrin knew he couldn’t push aside his problems for long. Rand pulled him northward. Perrin had to march for the Last Battle. Nothing else mattered.

Nothing else mattered? Where have we heard that before…

Though this time, he’s far closer to being right. Still, it’s perhaps not the greatest attitude to have. Just look at Rand.

(In fairness, in Rand’s case it isn’t just single-minded focus so much as single-minded focus plus a dead man’s memories plus evil stabbings that won’t heal plus (minus?) a missing hand plus being locked in a box plus trusting no one plus that small matter of being responsible for the fate of the world. To name but a few).

And yet, that very single-mindedness in him – ignoring everything but his objective – had been the source of much trouble during his hunt for Faile. He had to find a balance, somehow. He needed to decide for himself if he wanted to lead these people. He needed to make peace with the wolf inside himself, the beast that raged when he went into battle.

HOLY SHIT.

SOMEONE GET THE CONFETTI.

HE’S FIGURED IT OUT.

Yes, Perrin. That’s exactly it. Find a balance, make peace with yourself, accept it, and take that into the Last Battle. Rather than approaching it with that focus that shuts everything else out, approach it as willingly as you can (it’s Armageddon, so ‘willing’ is sort of relative). And he’s finally realising that. Realising that if he tries to use it as essentially an excuse to not think, and to hold everything else at bay, he’s just setting himself up for failure. Instead, he needs to find a balance and open himself up to these things he’s been avoiding or trying to deny. The Last Battle isn’t really something you can do halfheartedly, and single-minded focus doesn’t feel halfhearted, but it’s another side of the same coin in a way. It’s a limitation and a handicap, creating division or barriers when really he’s going to need everything he can possibly get. And for that, he needs to accept what those things are, and who he is. And accept that he can be that person.

Grady is too tired to make gateways. That’s not ideal.

Light, but I used this man too hard, Perrin thought. Him and Neald both. That had been another effect of Perrin’s single-mindedness, as he was beginning to see. What he’d done to Aram, how he’d allowed those around him to go without leadership…I have to fix this.

I love all of this. I don’t mind that it’s happening quickly and fairly bluntly, because actually that’s kind of Perrin’s way. Also, he spent the last several books building to this point by doing exactly what he’s now criticising himself for. And then that task was finished and everything just…stopped, and he didn’t know what to do and tried to find some way to avoid all these thoughts catching up with him. But now they have caught up, and he can’t turn away from it anymore, and this brief pause is both forcing and allowing him to look back on those weeks and understand, with all the wisdom of hindsight, what it was that he was doing and the harm it did to himself and others. And to learn from it.

Ah, character growth. This is so satisfying.

And it’s the sort of thing Rand is going to have to face and recognise as well – perhaps not the same exact idea of balance; that has always seemed to be more Perrin’s struggle, what with the man-versus-wolf, violence-versus-gentleness, strength-versus-caution, axe-versus-hammer dualities he’s had to contend with – because he, too, is hurting himself and others in the way he’s allowing his focus on Tarmon Gai’don to take everything else from him. Including such things as his humanity and the very reason he’s fighting at all.

Oops, Perrin can’t send all the refugees home. And some of them – lots of them? – don’t want to go home or don’t have a home to go to. Looks like your kingdom and army are growing, Perrin. Sorry about that.

He took his enhanced senses for granted, now.

That’s almost acceptance. This is good progress.

To them, Perrin Goldeneyes wasn’t a person to fear, but one to respect

I suppose in this, it’s a fitting companion section to the first half of the chapter. Image and reputation and the realities thereof. Not to mention a rather impressive level of self-analysis from both Perrin and Cadsuane.

Had they forgotten that Perrin had grown up with them? What of the times when Jori had made sport of Perrin’s slow tongue, or the times when he’d stopped by the forge to brag about which girls he’d managed to steal a kiss from?

Here, too, it fits well with the previous section, in that it’s once more an inversion. Semirhage goes from being regarded as a legend, as something more than human, as someone to be feared and respected, to being seen as just another person. Meanwhile this shows how Perrin has gone from being just another person, just another member of the group, to being someone worthy of honour and respect, someone set above the rest.

As for the ‘human’ thing…well, let’s maybe not bring that up around Perrin just now. Don’t want to push it.

Sometimes, Perrin wondered if his senses weren’t actually any better than anyone else’s. He took the time to notice things that others ignored.

… ‘I will remember those who have been forgotten’, Sanderson? ‘I will listen to those who have been ignored’?

I like this, though. It’s very Perrin, and while he does have super special wolf senses, he’s also absolutely right that he takes time to notice things. It’s the gentle, careful, methodical aspect of him. And that’s a part of him regardless of what else he is capable of – balance, again.

His senses were better; his kinship with the wolves had changed him. he hadn’t thought of that kinship in a while – he’d been too focused on Faile. But he’d stopped feeling so self-conscious about his eyes. They were part of him. No use grumbling about them.

*delightedly continues to throw confetti*

And yet, that rage he felt when he fought…that loss of control. It worried him, more and more.

Because that’s something he hasn’t accepted, yet. He fights it still, and so he cannot control it. It goes so counter to how he sees himself, and how he wants to be, that he fears that if he accepts it, it will be at the cost of the rest of himself. But it doesn’t have to be. Balance. He can be both – it’s the hammer and axe thing again. The hammer can be used to build or to destroy, to fight. One form of use does not make the other impossible. He can feel rage when he fights and still be gentle elsewhen.

(Why is ‘elsewhen’ not a word? It would be so useful).

He’d pursued Faile with determination, avoiding the wolf dream as he’d avoided all of his responsibilities.

IS HE—

But he knew that the truth was much more difficult.

IS HE FINALLY GOING TO USE THE WOLF DREAM WILLINGLY? IS HE GOING TO USE HIS SUPERPOWERS FOR REAL? He came close a few times, and in TSR almost got there, but then he stopped again and OH MAN THIS IS SO EXCITING.

He’d focused on Faile because he loved her so much, but – in addition – he’d done so because it had been convenient. Her rescue had been an excuse to avoid things like his discomfort with leadership and the blurred truce between himself and the wolf inside of himself.

YES EXACTLY THIS THANK YOU.

And I don’t even remotely care that this part also reads a little like an outline, because it is so very, very necessary. And so very satisfying, after so long.

It’s a little frustrating, still, that this fits rather neatly into the pattern of ‘woman suffers as plot device to further man’s story and/or character growth’ but I’ve spent enough words and energy on that during those chapters that I’m just going to set it aside, here. Because this – Perrin understanding what he was doing and why, and beginning to see what he needs to do about it, and taking those steps – on its own is something that has been waiting to happen almost since the very beginning, and I’m enjoying every minute of it.

I’m out of confetti now, though.

The answers might lie in his dreams.

It was time to return.

FUCK. YES.

*goes to make more confetti for the sole purpose of celebrating that last line*

Next (TGS ch 18) Previous (TGS ch 16)

#so much self awareness in one chapter are we sure this is WoT #Wheel of Time #neuxue liveblogs WoT #The Gathering Storm

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seriouslyhooked · 7 years

Text

Remember the Time (The CS Mixtape) Part 152/?

Series of CS oneshots inspired by music. Collection on FF Here.

A/N: This is a really old prompt (so sorry for the delay) for a cannon divergent fic where Emma loses her memories and Killian somehow makes her remember again. In order to accommodate that request I’m essentially rewriting a big part of 6A, so when the Evil Queen answered Emma’s wish to never be the savior she doesn’t send her to the wish realm, but takes away her memories of everything that happened from the moment Henry came to find her in Boston. For the purposes of this chapter I am also pretending that Emma and Killian were already engaged at this point and that Snow and David had broken the sleeping curse. Inspired by ‘Remember the Time’ by Michael Jackson.

“I can’t do this, David. Emma’s hurt, our daughter is hurt and we did this to her.”

The woman’s voice filled the darkness in Emma’s mind and though it was faded and murky, as if it was transferring through some sort of distortions to reach her, it was there.

Am I sleeping? Emma wondered. She didn’t know, but the voice wasn’t familiar to her and the throbbing in her head was only grated further by the joining of a second voice.

“The Queen did this, Snow,” a man said in a stern tone, but underneath it there was some doubt. Emma could hear it warbling through his words, which of course made absolutely no sense. What did a Queen have to do with anything?

“To get to us – to ruin our happiness! I thought we were passed this. I thought we could have… I was wrong David, and now Emma’s paying the price. She’s always paying the price.”

“It’ll be alright. She’ll wake up, and when she does we’ll get through this. We always do.”

If Emma weren’t struggling so hard to even open her eyes she’d probably give more thought to why these people were talking about her and who had a name like Snow and spoke about royals so nonchalantly. It was strange, foreign, and bizarre, but then another feeling came to her, a sense that her hand was holding onto something, or rather someone. That was the thing that befuddled her most, and she finally won the war between continued sleep and waking up to find out what was going on.

The first person she saw was the man holding onto her hand. He looked tired, worried, and like he was battling the greatest sort of grief, and for a moment Emma’s eyes being opened went undetected. She studied him carefully, sensing even though it was crazy that this man’s pain was over her current state. Who was he? And why did he care about her? She didn’t know him – hell she’d never seen him before in her life, yet her hand was holding onto his, and she didn’t immediately pull back, part of her liking the feel of this connection, something she’d gone without for so long.

“Mom?” The words came from a teenage boy on the other side of the hospital bed that Emma also didn’t recognize. He was tall, gangly, and looking at her convinced she was his mother but that couldn’t be. She didn’t have a kid… okay so she did technically have a kid but he would be younger – he’d be like ten or so and this kid was not ten.

“Emma! Oh Emma you’re awake,” the woman who’d been crying over her said, but when she reached out Emma flinched back, trying to avoid this person she didn’t know.

“Look lady, I don’t know who you are but I don’t know you. I don’t know any of you.”

Emma said the words as she pulled her hand from the handsome man’s grasp, but even as she said it her eyes caught on his blue ones and her heart skipped a beat. There was something in those eyes that captivated her, something that felt familiar but wasn’t. Emma shook her head, trying to drag herself out of it but she couldn’t. Even when she looked away she felt his gaze on her, daring her to give into whatever insane spark there was between her and this total stranger.

“Mom it’s me, it’s Henry,” the boy said and Emma looked at him not knowing what to say. He couldn’t be her kid. It just wasn’t possible given the timing, even if there were little things about his features that could have been thanks to her or Neal. Ugh, Neal, another thing she didn’t need brought up unless she wanted this headache to get worse.

“I’m sorry, you seem like a nice kid,” Emma said trying to placate the look of sadness in the boy’s eyes, “but you’ve got the wrong person. I’m not a mother, I don’t have a son or any family for that matter, and I definitely don’t need a bunch of people weirdly looking to me for something I don’t want to give.”

Emma reached for the tubes and IVs that she was hooked up to and began to take them off when the man beside her reached for her hand once more. The action alone was enough to still her, both because of its quiet insistence and its gentle nature.

“Emma.”

Her name from his lips sent a shiver through her and she found herself heating at the slight bit of accent that shone through. Damn what was it about this guy? Whatever it was she had to fight it. She wasn’t about to feed into anyone’s delusions, even if he was arguably the hottest guy she’d seen in forever and totally into her. He surprised her though by not demanding he remember her as the others had.

“Let the doctor help you, love. You’re free to go, no one is going to force you into anything, but best to leave the medicine to the professionals after the fall you took.”

Emma hadn’t expected him to be on her side or to be rational even, and it was clear the three other people in the room hadn’t expected it either, but the man was clearly in charge right now and he set things in motion for all of them. He told the younger boy to grab the doctor and asked the man and woman who were there to find Belle and Regina. He didn’t get more specific than that, but all of them complied, leaving a moment when it was just the two of them

“Thanks for that,” Emma found herself saying, even though she should have insisted that he leave too.

“Not a problem. Can I get you anything else? Some water or some food perhaps? You were out a long time. I hate to see you wanting for anything.”

The sweetness in the offer was another thing Emma simply wasn’t used to. Everyone in her life had an angle, and that was saying something since she had pretty much no one at all. But in his mannerisms this man was giving away so much, and what it revealed was stunning to Emma. He truly just wanted to help her, and given her current state she could clearly use all the help she could get.

“Well you could tell me your name,” Emma said, feeling embarrassed as soon as she said it. She immediately tried to cover her tracks. “You know just to even the playing field. You all seemed to know a lot about me, but I don’t know you.”

“It’s Killian, love. Killian Jones.” Of course he had a hot name. That was just her luck.

“Huh. Don’t hear that one every day. So what happened to me, Killian? And where exactly am I?”

Killian appeared about to respond and to give her the answers to the questions Emma was grappling with when a doctor came in with that same young boy. He went through a series of tests with Emma, asking her all of these questions about the year and the date and where she was and she was shocked to find she failed every last question.

“Wait you expect me to believe that years have gone by? I’ve been in a coma for years?” Emma asked, staring at the half a dozen newspapers someone procured from the waiting room for her and waiting to be told she was some kind of miracle case. Clearly if she’d been sleeping for so long and woke up there must have been some kind of one in a million situation, right?

“No Emma. You’ve only been out a day or so,” Doctor Whale replied and Emma shook her head, not believing it.

“That’s not possible,” Emma whispered, her mind racing in a hundred different directions.

The last thing she remembered was bringing that jackass in for embezzling and screwing over his wife. She’d had to sit through the beginning of that dinner faking attraction to a man she knew was total scum, and then to make matters worse he’d unknowingly stumbled onto her weakest spot in the walls she’d erected to keep people at arm’s length. That dig about her not knowing family had hurt and though she’d masked it with anger to start, Emma still recalled going back up to her apartment and caving to that sense of sadness as she blew out the candle on a cupcake she’d had to buy herself. It was a pathetic excuse for a birthday, and yet so achingly familiar. But after that everything was black. Had she gone to sleep? Had something happened? And more importantly, how the hell had she ended up in some sleepy, podunk town in Maine?

“I know it’s a lot to take in right now, Emma. But we’re telling you the truth,” the woman from before said who had treated her like a mother would with all the care and worry Emma always assumed came from parents. This time she was carrying something, a small box decorated with flowers and lace, and when she opened it up to show Emma the contents of the compartment there were all sorts of pictures, pictures of Emma with the people in this room, and it was startling to say the least.

“You have a life here,” the woman named Snow continued. “A family, a town you call home. You’re the sheriff here, and the sav- I mean, a real figurehead for everyone. Those pictures are just little glimpses of the life you’ve made for yourself, Emma.”

As her fingers danced across the vivid snapshots of a life Emma didn’t remember at all, there were two warring emotions inside of her. The first was obviously fear, fear of the unknown and the fact that she did not have any recollection of any of this. But underneath that there was also a sense of longing. This life, this version of her, looked like it had been happy and Emma had never in her life been truly happy. Even in the moments when she thought she’d procured that all too elusive state, it came to nothing but heartbreak and pain. Yet in these photos, heartbreak was the last thing in sight.

It’s a trick, Emma thought to herself. It can’t be real. Things like this don’t happen. I’m not meant for a life like this.

“These could all be photo-shopped,” Emma said, pushing the stack of photos away and shaking her head. She had to stay firm in the denial right now, because her head was saying that was the logical thing to do. She couldn’t just cave to a beautiful story. She had to deal with the facts, and the facts as she knew them said that Emma was alone in the world and always had been.

“But they aren’t Emma. Look into your heart – you know we’re telling you the truth,” the man named David implored and Emma could see that he, and everyone else making the case for her belonging here, meant this. Her usual alarm bells for people who lied weren’t sounding, but that didn’t necessarily mean anything.

“Just because you believe something is true does not make it real.”

“That’s what you said when I came to find you the first time,” the young boy who Emma had been told was named Henry said. “But I proved you wrong. I helped you believe, and we’ll do it again Mom. You’ll see.”

That felt like the final straw for Emma. These people weren’t going to let this go and for Emma that was a nightmare. She had no inclination or desire to sit here and indulge in sweet but ultimately untrue fantasies. She was a realest, and despite the ‘evidence’ they all had presented, Emma did not think that this could all be possible. Now she just had to find a way to get out of here and get the hell out of dodge before these people could pull her too much further into their delusions.

“I think what Emma needs more than anything right now is space,” Killian said, cutting through the talk that was sparking so much anxiety for Emma and calming her down a little bit in the process. She shot a look his way, finding that he looked far more in control than the others did, though there was some sadness in his expression too.

“Is that what you want, Emma?” The woman named Snow asked and Emma immediately nodded, causing the rest of them to almost recoil in pain. “Well alright then. But I think someone should stay with you. I don’t want you to be all by yourself.”

There it was again – the concept that in this alternate fantasy she wouldn’t be alone. It was tantalizing for someone like her who had gone with out substantial bonds with anyone for so long, but it was also a risk. If you let down your walls it was the surest way to getting hurt, and Emma was done with that. She would rather be cold than wounded, but she also knew that an element of surprise would be her best bet here. So yeah, she’d allow someone to stay with her and then promptly give them the slip when she found a way to get out of this mess.

“Would you stay?” Emma asked Killian then and though his gaze softened some, Emma almost felt as if he could see through her mask to the designs she was concocting in her mind. Could he tell that she was planning to use him as a pawn in her escape? If he did, it didn’t seem to matter since he promptly agreed.

“Aye, love. I’ll stay.”

Emma let out a relieved breath and offered the man a smile, which seemed to give everyone else enough faith in her acceptance to leave. The only thing was that when everyone else was gone, Emma was left alone with the hot – albeit delusional – foreign guy and forced to make more small talk.

“So...” Emma said, dragging out the word but still coming up with nothing to say. “Have you lived in this town long? What’s the name of it again?”

“Storybrooke, and no I haven’t. I was a wanderer for a long time before I found home in this place.”

Just like me, Emma thought to herself. Though she’d never really called it wandering, she’d called it running.

“What made you stay?” Emma asked, actually curious. Even if he was crazy, she had this weird need to understand him. For some reason Emma genuinely felt a need to gain some kind of insight about him.

“A highly intriguing woman who I was starting to care for told me I could be a part of something if I chose to stay, so I made my choice.”

Be a part of something. The words zinged through Emma’s mind, bouncing around in an interesting way. She couldn’t quite explain it, and it made no rational sense, but Emma felt like she’d heard them before or maybe said them? She didn’t know, and moreover she couldn’t really care. There just wasn’t room in her already anxiety-raddled head for more questions.

“Let me guess. I’m the woman,” Emma replied sarcastically and Killian only gave a slight nod, clearly not wanting to push her with the memories. But the thought that she was the person was enough to make her laugh, surprising Killian when she did. “Sorry it’s just… I’m not really the kind of person who gives the hope speech.”

“That’s something we had in common, love, but things change. For whatever reason circumstances shift, and sometimes we’re destined to become more than we once were.”

“Maybe,” Emma whispered, surprised at just how deep his thoughts were. They were heavy in their intensity, but at the same time they trickled through Emma’s mind with a tiny sense of interest and belief, like even if she couldn’t remember it, she’d once viewed the world the same way. But before that new attitude could take hold, Emma mentally shook those thoughts away. She was starting to fall into the trap, and she had to be smarter than this. It was the only way to stay alive.

Looking out the window beside her and into the sunny Maine morning with it’s cloudless skies, Emma noticed now that she was on the first floor, and that the windows weren’t totally sealed shut, but able to be opened. It would be a tight squeeze to get out of, but Emma knew she could handle it. All she needed was two – maybe three – solid minutes of alone time.

“Killian?” Emma asked, pulling her eyes back to the mysterious man who seemed to care for her even more than he cared for himself.

“Aye, love?” he asked with a tenor that spoke to his intimacy with her.

“You mentioned food before… is there any way you could… I mean I don’t want to put you out but -,”

“Say no more, love. I’ll find you something. It likely won’t be much given the offerings in that vending machine contraption but I’ll make due.”

Emma smiled at his eagerness to get her something and at the weird way he referenced the vending machine and in a surprising twist even to her, she reached out for his hand before he left, holding on and feeling the spark of attraction climbing higher once more. That zap of awareness was startling and totally new for Emma, but it also felt so unbelievably good even as it scared her half to death.

“Thank you,” Emma said, feeling a little embarrassed at her gesture, but Killian was nothing if not smooth and he proceeded to place a kiss atop her hand like some gentleman in a period drama. Emma was then so distracted by the contact she didn’t have any room in her mind to be bashful.

“I’ll be right back,” Killian promised and then he was gone, leaving Emma watching as he left and then for just a moment longer before she sprang into action.

The first order of business was getting disentangled from this whole set up, but as she was doing that something caught her eye and made her stomach plummet only to rise back up again in a flurry of butterflies. For there, situated in a very telling spot on her left ring finger, was a simple band with a diamond at the center of it.

“Holy shit,” Emma muttered aloud. “How did that get there?”

It was a question that truly deserved an answer, and yet Emma had no time to find one. If she had any hope of getting out of here she had to go now, and she had a few tricks up her sleeve to get the scent of her trail after she threw on the clothes that had been laid at the foot of her bed. Only after those tasks were done did Emma sneak out the window, taking extreme care to shut it perfectly when she was outside so no one was the wiser of her having gone this way.

Once outside of the hospital, Emma was hyper-vigilant for any passing people. From what she’d gathered before from everyone who was visiting, Emma, at least in the delusions of this town, was well known around these parts. The last thing she wanted was to get recognized and have someone tip off the others. So instead she moved with a bit more stealth, slipping undetected from the hospital and making her way through a town she did not recognize at all.

This of course made it difficult for Emma to navigate but her instincts, for whatever reason, told her to follow the refreshing coastal breeze, which eventually led to the ocean’s edge. It took about ten minutes, but finally Emma made it to a marina where a number of small boats were docked and idea struck – maybe she could rig one of these to go and she could coast even to the next town. At least then she’d be out of the purview of the crazy people who seemed to think she belonged here. But just for a moment she stalled there, taking in the calm laps of the waves down below and the feint cry of shore birds as they flew above on this mild day.

“Not a bad getaway all in all,” a voice said, and Emma didn’t even bother to startle because she knew immediately that it was Killian. “Good diversions, an impeccably timed exit, and a misleading trail in the wrong direction. I gather the others will be searching for you for a good while.”

Emma closed her eyes at the praise, which even its sarcasm was somehow flirtatious. It was maddening to say the least that Emma was feeling this much for a guy she literally did not know. She was way too susceptible to this stranger after years of not letting anyone affect her at all, and before she turned to face him she had to get it together. So Emma took a deep breath and then attempted to do so.

“But you’re different,” Emma supplied flatly though she was still very curious as to how he’d found her. “Why?”

“Because I know you better than I know myself, Swan. Even if you’ve forgotten.”

God how tempting it was to believe that, that a man like Killian who was obviously caring underneath that bad-boy swagger and problematically attractive appearance actually knew her that intimately and chose to stick around. But even if Emma felt herself slowly succumbing to his charms and the desire to believe him, she decided to be rational over following her stupid, foolish heart.

“Maybe you think you know me but you don’t.”

“If it’s a test you need, Emma, then go ahead and ask. Clearly you require more proof and that’s fine. Hell it’s right even. Walking into something blind is a fool’s errand, and my Swan is no fool.” Emma’s gut clenched at the mention of her being his, but she pressed forward, pushing through the slight bit of infatuation on her part to the truth of the matter.

“Fine. What do you know about my past? What have I apparently told you?” Emma asked, not trying to be so transparent but actually wanting proof. If they were so closely bonded (and heck presumably engaged) he must know things that no one else would. She couldn’t just believe him even if she desperately wanted to; she had to see it.

“I know you were in and out of eleven homes when you were a kid, twelve if you count Granger House the two times you were there. I know you used to talk to the counselors in those places about your parents and finding them, but that when you were eight you gave that up. That was the year you stopped believing anyone would ever come looking for you. That was the first time you ever used the word orphan.”

Hearing that sent a spike of sadness through her. It was all accurate after all, and the timing and details were there, but back in those homes she’d had monthly check-ins with social workers and state-appointed shrinks. Emma could have easily said something that got recorded into the system, faulty as it was. It wasn’t exactly a secret to her back then – not something she’d played so close to the vest that no one could know.

“All of that could have been in my file.” Emma expected Killian to look hurt by her continued doubts but he didn’t. The same patience was there as was his will to give her what she wanted.

“I know you have this memory of the beach from when you were twelve. It was an usual treat and a bright spot in a life that needed so many more of them. You had something called a ‘funnel cake’ and so much of that stringy pink sugar that you got sick, but you didn’t want anyone to know because you thought they’d make you leave, so you rallied, willing yourself to get over it so you could have your one day in the sun.”

Emma had never told anyone that story before because by then she’d stopped cooperating with the shrinks and the other system affiliates. She knew how to play the people who were supposed to be helping her by then and she’d gotten quiet too, not offering much up to anyone, especially not adults.

“I know that the third time you ran away from a foster home you ended up miles away in a diner not so different from the one here in Storybrooke. You spent the whole afternoon watching a grandmother help her grandson with learning his letters and you sat there for over an hour wracking your brain and trying to remember who had taught you. Then you finally recalled it was a volunteer at your home at the time. Her name was Cassie and she had red hair.”

Okay, so there were three possibilities for what was happening right now – either this guy was straight up clairvoyant, he had an uncanny ability to guess the minor details of people’s lives, or he did know her, and somehow it was the latter possibility that made the most sense to Emma. Yet Killian pressed on, continuing to offer more facts at her feet.

“I know that the choice you made to give up your boy haunted you for a long time, even if you pretended that it didn’t so you yourself could survive. And I know you can’t remember but I promise you made amends, love. You became the mother you were always meant to be, and Henry has known real love in his life because of you.”

God Emma hoped that part could be real, because after so many years of burying down the pain of letting that baby go she would like to believe she’d been strong enough to make it right. She didn’t have the details, and hell from some of the stuff people had said since she’d woken up Emma could only imagine how messy and complicated they were, but if Killian said that she’d done right then maybe she could actually trust that she had.

“I know that you have never known an anger like the one you had for your parents at giving you up. The pain they caused you hurt worse than anything else, more than any break up or fake friend or false hope. They were your surest source of heartbreak and you carried their abandonment with you always, but somehow you managed to forgive them when all was said and done. You’re a woman of such strength that you moved past the worst scars etched on your heart, Swan. And that’s a feat so few people can ever hope to conquer.”

How that could have ever happened Emma would never know, but still the truth remained in Killian’s eyes as he stepped forward and took her hand in his. He wasn’t lying and so Emma had to imagine that it was possible. Even if it seemed like it could never happen, surely somehow she had found a way. Maybe after all this time and this whole life of running she was stronger than she knew.

“I know you put cinnamon on your cocoa every bloody time you have it,” Killian said and a laugh bubbled past Emma’s lips at the random, and more lighthearted fact. “It’s not a sometimes kind of love affair you have with that concoction, it’s a constant, so much so that if I even try to pass it off without you get this scrunched up look like I’ve denied you when that’s never my intention.”

Emma felt her heart constrict at those sweet words. Being denied things that she wanted was just a fact of Emma’s life or her old life or whatever. What she knew about herself before this town was bland and dull and gray. It was hopeless in so many ways, but there had always been that trickling of want under the surface. Buried behind the walls she’d cast in stone around her heart there were murmurs of what could be if she could only find it. A family, a home, a man who looked at her like Killian was looking at her right now.

“And I know that even if you never wake up from this I’ll always love you, Emma. You’ve been the keeper of my heart for so long now, and that will never change. No matter who you are or what you’ve done, I love you Emma Swan. You and only you.”

A flash of something sparked behind Emma’s eyes, and it was an image of Killian. He looked different and their surroundings had been darker, colder, and less safe but Emma recognized it. It was fleeting and gone in a second but she garnered something from it and gasped at the realization.

“You’ve said something like that before to me,” Emma whispered and Killian’s eyes grew wider as he took a step closer, invading her space with the scent of rum and leather and sun. It was intoxicating and filled Emma with this rush of need and adrenaline.

“Indeed I have, love. Do you remember?”

“I… I don’t know. You got anymore lines that memorable?” Emma said, somehow managing to joke even in the midst of this emotional moment. Killian laughed at that and grinned as his hand came to cup her cheek and his other arm moved around to pull her closer.

“A fair many I’d say. Let’s see… I’m a fan of every part of you.”

Another flash of something, this time indoors and with less of a feeling of darkness and evil around them. He’d been calm, open, and honest like he was now, and Emma had felt so full of hope. She remembered believing in something – in them – but there wasn’t much else.

“Keep going,” Emma told him and Killian smiled wider.

“You’re something of an open book.”

That worked too, though the surroundings in that were wild. They were climbing something high in the sky. What the hell had they been doing on a beanstalk? But it was real – Emma was certain even in it’s wildness that it had actually happened.

“When I win your heart, it will not be because of any trickery. It’ll be because you want me.”

Another memory flashed to the forefront, this time in a jungle of some kind and with it Emma got a little more. There were other flashes too, not just of Killian and her but of those other people who’d been at the hospital like her parents and her son. It was all clicking together, and Emma felt her hands clutching into Killian’s shirt, pulling him closer with every new piece of the puzzle.

“I’ll never stop fighting for us,” Killian whispered and that brought so much more flooding back not just of the moment he’d said it but all the moments that he fought for her and that her family fought for her too. By this point there were tears in Emma’s eyes, and they’d begun to fall against her cheeks, but Killian whipped them away looking like at any second he might kiss her and she was so damn ready for him to do so.

“There’s one thing I want you to be certain of – that I will always, always be by your side.”

And that was it. The dam truly broke in that moment and everything was back, every memory good and bad, painful and healing was given to Emma once more and those feelings of uncertainty were gone. Emma knew again who she was and where she belonged and it was right here, in this town, with this man who loved her just as much as she loved him.

“Hook,” Emma whispered, watching the moment when Killian knew she remembered everything and that look of relief and love and desire was enough to have her moving towards him at lightening speed.

In seconds their lips had crashed together, and the kiss was all passion and need and the leftover crazed feelings that their mental separation had brought. For Emma knew as hard as it had been for her to forget, it must have been so much worse for Killian. Couple this with the fact that this wasn’t even the first time he’d had to deal with that and Emma was overwhelmed, needing her true love to be certain that she was truly back again and she was so done with leaving.

“You always find a way to save me,” Emma said when they pulled back and Killian hummed out a happy sound as he made small circles along her back. The sensation was at once soothing and revitalizing, making Emma feel with every passing second like she was returning more and more to herself.

“That’s kind of our story, love. We’re in this together and the saving most certainly goes both ways.”

Emma knew Killian was right in his reply, and that prompted her to think back quickly on all those times when the chips had been down and they’d found their ways back to each other. There had of course been many trials, but for every one they faced there were also triumphs and the building of hope for both of them. Their love had formed in the midst of many storms, but Emma was sure that it had made them that much stronger. There was nothing that they wouldn’t over come, not with a love as true as this one.

“Here I was thinking we were just a princess and pirate,” Emma teased loving the moment when Killian growled out a sound that signaled his seeing things rather differently. But before he could get too moody over her teasing, she quickly kissed him again, bringing back that look of complete satisfaction that had been there moments before.

“You know I never wish to argue with you when I can help it, Swan, but in this case you’re dead wrong. We’ve always been more and we always will be.”

“You’re damn right,” Emma murmured totally agreeing with her devilishly handsome man’s assessment on this miraculous love they’d found together.

And with that, and a few more stolen kisses there on the docks, Emma and Killian returned to the others, both renewed in their desire to fend off this darkness and villainy plaguing their town once more. Because when it was behind them, and when the final battle had been fought and won, they could finally get back to the happiness they’d been working so hard for and the life they were meant to find together. And Emma was certain deep down in her heart that it would be a truly beautiful and magical happy ending, the likes of which no one had ever seen before.

…………………

Do you remember When we fell in love We were so young and innocent then Do you remember How it all began It just seemed like heaven so why did it end?

Do you remember Back in the fall We'd be together all day long Do you remember Us holding hands In each other's eyes we'd stare (Tell me)

Do you remember the time When we fell in love Do you remember the time When we first met girl Do you remember the time When we fell in love Do you remember the time

Do you remember How we used to talk (Ya know) We'd stay on the phone at night till dawn Do you remember All the things we said like I love you so I'll never let you go

Do you remember Back in the Spring Every morning birds would sing Do you remember Those special times They'll just go on and on In the back of my mind

Do you remember the time When we fell in love Do you remember the time When we first met girl Do you remember the time When we fell in love Do you remember the time

Those sweet memories Will always be dear to me And girl no matter what was said I will never forget what we had Now baby!

Do you remember the time When we fell in love Do you remember the time When we first met Do you remember the time When we fell in love Do you remember the time

Remember the times Ooh Remember the times Do you remember girl Remember the times On the phone you and me Remember the times Till dawn, two or three What about us girl

Remember the times Do you, do you, do you, do you, do you Remember the times In the park, on the beach Remember the times You and me in Spain Remember the times What about, what about

Remember the times Ooh, in the park Remember the times After dark Do you, do you, do you Remember the times Do you, do you, do you, do you Remember the times Yeah yeah

Post-Note: So even though this was a prompt that took me so long to figure out, when I finally got my idea sorted it was a pleasure to write. In many ways it reminds me of the 100th chapter I did (‘This Love’) with the flashbacks to their big moments, but at the end of the day my hope was basically to write a piece that includes two things – fluff (duh) and a sense that the show doesn’t always give us that out of everyone in her life, it’s Killian who knows Emma best. I like to believe that since the walls are down Killian does have those stories of Emma’s past, and he does have that insight into her that her parents or Henry might not have and that would have made him the perfect person to wake her up so to speak. Anyway, thank you very much to my extremely patient reader who requested this eons ago, and I hope that you all enjoyed and that you have a wonderful rest of your day!

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9,Part 10,Part 11, Part 12,Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16, Part 17, Part 18, Part 19, Part 20, Part 21, Part 22, Part 23, Part 24,Part 25, Part 26, Part 27, Part 28, Part 29, Part 30, Part 31, Part 32, Part 33, Part 34, Part 35, Part 36, Part 37, Part 38, Part 39,Part 40, Part 41, Part 42, Part 43, Part 44, Part 45, Part 46, Part 47, Part 48, Part 49, Part 50, Part 51, Part 52, Part 53, Part 54,Part 55, Part 56, Part 57, Part 58, Part 59, Part 60, Part 61, Part 62, Part 63, Part 64, Part 65, Part 66, Part 67, Part 68, Part 69,Part 70, Part 71, Part 72, Part 73, Part 74, Part 75, Part 76, Part 77, Part 78, Part 79, Part 80, Part 81, Part 82, Part 83, Part 84,Part 85, Part 86, Part 87, Part 88, Part 89, Part 90, Part 91, Part 92, Part 93, Part 94, Part 95, Part 96, Part 97, Part 98, Part 99,Part 100, Part 101, Part 102, Part 103, Part 104, Part 105, Part 106, Part 107,Part 108, Part 109, Part 110,Part 111, Part 112,Part 113, Part 114, Part 115,Part 116, Part 117, Part 118, Part 119,Part 120, Part 121, Part 122, Part 123,Part 124, Part 125,Part 126, Part 127, Part 128,Part 129,Part 130, Part 131,Part 132,Part 133, Part 134, Part 135, Part 136, Part 137, Part 138, Part 139,Part 140, Part 141, Part 142, Part 143, Part 144, Part 145,Part 146, Part 147, Part 148,Part 149, Part 150, Part 151

#captain swan #captain swan fic #captain swan ff #cs fic #cs ff #cs fluff #cs oneshot #cannon divergence #6A rewrite #emma swan #killian jones #the charmings #henry #captain swan mixtape #cs mixtape #the captain swan mixtape #prompted fic #remember the time

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