Something that makes reading TOA so devastating is how fucking much Apollo feels about Everything. There’s so MUCH. Like I don’t even know how to describe it to you if you haven’t read the books yourself. He has so many complicated thoughts and emotions about just about everything and he cares about everything so much and there is just SO MUCH going on in his head. And yet none of it ever reaches his mouth!!
He almost never says what he’s feeling. What little comes out of his mouth about his thoughts barely even scratches the surface of what he actually means. Like he’ll be having a long ass monologue about how incredible someone is, showing a deep understanding of them as a person and empathizing with them so hard you’d almost think it’s projection but it’s not he’s legitimately just mind melding with this random person he met like a week ago and he’s thinking the softest, kindest thoughts about them like he knows they’re fucking incredible - and what comes out of his mouth is just like, “you’re a wonderful friend :)” AND ITS LIKE. THERES SO MUCH MORE UNDER THE SURFACE. the sheer admiration and adoration he has for everyone around him……… UGHHH!!! But he never VOICES ANY OF IT!!!!!! He never tells anyone about what Zeus did to him……. He never tells anyone except the reader about his realization that Zeus is abusive…. He never even tells commodus about how much he adored him, not then and not now… he refuses to tell anyone when he’s in pain or tries to justify the things he does when he actually had Decent Reasons for why he did something… I’m. I’M. AUGH. AHHHHH
HE DOESN’T EVEN TELL US ALL OF HIS THOUGHTS IS THE THING. THERES EVEN MORE THAT HE IS NOT TELLING US!!!!! THE FUCKING OCEAN OF FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS HE HAS ABOUT EVERYTHING IS THE CLIFF NOTES VERSION. I AM IN DISTRESS.
And YET…. Even what slips out of his mouth is so fucking devastating it is SO devastating. He’s so fucking kind and gentle with Harley and Meg and and other younger Demis and his kids… he’ll act like an obstinate idiot and then turn around say something that drags the core of the person he’s talking to into the light like nail on the fucking HEAD like he reached into their soul and gave them the words to express something that they were struggling to say aloud or that they didn’t even realize about themself. Around the 2nd book he starts putting voice to some of his feelings and thoughts about others and even that tiny fucking sliver is overwhelming to the people he’s talking to bc he’s SO. AUGHHHH
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you don't have to read this i just have so much pent-up in my head.
(if you do tho the tags are just as important as the post.)
i wish i could make people unfollow me without blocking them? bc like. every single palestine ask i get (whether spam or real) they follow me. even though it's not set up so only followers can send asks. i think they do it because like, then they think i will be more willing to help? bc follower counts are so important on other platforms and to most people, it's probably like an exchange? They do the nicety of adding to my follower count and so i will be more willing to donate money to their cause? but like. i don't want followers just for followers. it makes me uncomfortable. i've got a little over 150 followers right now but probably a third are palestine fundraiser blogs (and a few bots i can't tell are bots or not and promotional spam). it makes me uncomfortable? it makes me feel like the numbers a lie? i want the people following me to be there because they actually care about my blog/me?
obviously i don't want to block these people! they are in a genocide trying to do whatever they can to survive! they are on here trying to ask anyone and everyone so that out of the hundred of people they ask maybe one or two can donate a few dollars! they are trying every tactic they can to make people listen to them! following! posting photos! using eye-catching colours and fonts! writing out their stories! all things that are emotionally and or/physicaly exhausting and draining all in an attempt to just get someone to listen! and honestly it's sort of unfair that they have to follow random people and clog up their dash with random stuff just so people are more willing to help (obviously most of these people didn't have tumblr before and aren't here for the dash, but i imagine a dash full of palestine help would be less overwhelming than a huge mass of random fandoms while you go find people to ask).
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It would be nice to spend a holiday/vacation with people who are happy :) even if things are a bit stressful.
Even if things don't go perfectly. It would be nice to have a good day without bitching and passive aggression that sours everyone's mood! Maybe we don't want to do this because we can never just have a good time.
Who wants to go to a hotel and just have a good time, hm? Just chill for a bit.
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my arm hurts so badly these days. it’s the same joints on my left arm, constantly aching, ranging from an easily ignorable 1/10 to a very concerning 6/10. overall its worse than it was even a month ago. it won’t be any time soon, but one day, i will be too sick to draw. and after that, there will come a day when i’m too sick to do anything i love. and i’m scared. i don’t want to get sicker, i’m still just a kid
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