#why is Cas part of the sad bois when he’s not even sad?

[wigglebox]

Sad Bois’ Story Time

Bonus:

[bangtanficsforyou]

They Reject You (hyung line)- part three

Pairing: BTS x Reader

Word Count: 8K

Warnings: swear words here and there, a little kissing scene.

Jin

"I told you, you should have done this sooner."

"Hey, if I had known this was gonna be this much fun, I would have."

"I did tell you, you just didn't believe me."

You huff. "Okay fine! You were right all along and I was wrong. Happy?"

Blair chugs down another shot and winces at the bitter taste. "I'll be happy when you listen to my advice."

"Asking for too much, now. Aren't you?" 

"Cool then, mop over a boy for over a month again. Why don't you?" She retorts with no real bite, rather genuinely enjoying the glimpse of the old you back. 

A wave of sadness hits you when you're reminded about the said boy and you sigh. "He isn't just a boy, he's also my best friend."

Blair immediately regrets her words when she notices the look on your face. "I understand that you would need time but if I hadn't dragged you out today, you would have not made any efforts to move on for at least another six months."

You feel an instant urge to deny it but end up not protesting because you know how true her words are.

Moving on would have been easier if you knew the answer to this one question; how does one move on from their best friend? 

How do you forget the moments that made you fall for him? Moments when he was the only one you could confide in. When you two would spend hours talking on the phone about random things. When the two of you would sit on the balcony and judge every passerby. The inside jokes, the tears, the hugs, the words of comfort. How do you forget those and tell yourself to not feel the way you do?

And even if you manage to do so, will the two of you really ever get back to being as close as you once were? Won't that result in you falling for him all over again?

You take hold of another glass of shot when you realise that you were overthinking again. Today your plan is to get enough alcohol in your system so that you do not overthink the little things.

"What is he doing here?" Blair whispers to herself.

"Who?" Your tipsy mind gets distracted by that and you start checking left and right to catch sight of the person she's talking about.

"Jin."

Your eyes widen in shock and you freeze in your seat. "Jin is here?"

Blair nods, feeling the same amount of disbelief as you. 

"Should I hide in the washroom?" You whisper shout. You don't even know why you feel the need to run when you and Jin have had a civil conversation just a few weeks ago. All you know is that you do not wish to face Jin. You are not ready to face the stir of emotions Jin would inevitably ignite.

"Fun fact, his eyes are fixed here," she quips with a mix of annoyance and amusement. "I'm also pretty sure, he's aware that we are talking about him."

You shut your eyes and groan audibly. "Fuck. Just what I needed."

"Fun fact part two, he's coming here."

As soon as she completes her sentence, you hear your name being called. 

"Y/N."

"Jin!" You put on a fake smile and try to seem as excited as you possibly can. You won't allow your spirits to dwindle so easily. "What are you doing here?"

Jin thinks for a brief moment if he should lie and say that it was a coincidence but then decides otherwise. "Well, Jimin texted me that you're here and I had something important to tell you, so,"

"Well, I don't feel stalked at all." You grin sarcastically.

Jin smiles. That's the first stage of you getting drunk; getting sassy. "Well, I'd be hurt if you were to call me a creepy stalker."

He says it with such a soft look of adoration that Blair has to clear her throat loudly to announce her presence.

"I'm Blair," she introduces herself.

Jin understands that Blair's words are directed at him and he politely puts his hand forward in greeting. "I'm Jin."

Blair nods and shakes his hand. From the look in his eyes, she already has an idea about why Jin might be here and if what she's assuming is right, she should really get out of here as quickly as she can. 

"Well, it's good that you are here, I have somewhere to go. Take care of her," as soon as the words are out of her mouth, Blair quickly leaves the spot knowing very well how you are going to react. 

You gasp dramatically, concerned about how quickly she changed her colours. What a traitor you have as a friend. 

Jin sits on the stool next to you before you can recover from your shock. "So what have you been drinking?" 

You look at Jin with your mouth parted open, still having a hard time understanding what just happened in the span of a few minutes. How you came to the club to temporarily forget about Jin and how now, you are sitting right next to him.

You blink a few times to let the shock subside and with Blair gone, you feel your adrenaline rush fade away.

"I don't know, Blair ordered it," you shrug.

He hums, fiddling with his fingers on the table. "Any special reason you are out here clubbing on a weekday?"

"Nah," you say just as casually as you had uttered the previous sentence. Maybe it's because of the alcohol but you don't find yourself feeling anxious in his presence. There's only a very little amount of unease but that's only because you don't want to get too into your emotions. 

Jin watches you closely. You don't look drunk, just tipsy. And thankfully, for him, you don't seem to be too bothered by the fact that he just invited himself. 

Someone might say that he's being overdramatic coming all the way to say something he could have said any other time. But when Jimin texted him that you're here, his thoughts started getting a little wild.

What if you were in a club trying to get over him? What if some hot bartender catches your eye? What if your friends are telling you that you deserve better? (The last one, Jin agrees with) 

It's fair to say that those thoughts made him rush to this place so that he can finally say what he figured out in the last few days.

Jin inhales deeply and asks the million-dollar question. "Do you– do you still love me?"

You choke on your drink and a series of coughs that follows. Jin immediately asks for a glass of water and helps you calm down.

"What kind of a question is that?" You ask in a raspy voice when your coughing fit subsides.

"A very important one?" He asks you back, his brows now furrowing in nervousness.

You mimic his expression, only that your brows furrow in annoyance. "What kind of people do you hang around with to get the idea that people's feelings change in the span of a few weeks?"

Ah, yes. You're sassy right now.

Jin's features soften and he looks at you with a look of disbelief.

"So you still love me?" He asks in a whisper, too scared to say the words out loud.

"Unfortunately, yes." You nod.

Before you can take hold of another glass of shot, Jin's hand comes to rest on yours. You look at him in confusion, wondering what even is he up to.

"Well, I love you too," a wide smile breaks out on his face as if the thought of you is enough to make him happy.

This time, you choke on thin air. "Excuse me?!"

He takes your hand and brings it to his lips. "I'm sorry it took me so long, but now that I know, I just want to be with you forever."

Your eyes follow his movements and you find your breathing getting shallower and only one question coming to your mind; Is this really happening?

Jin notices the way you seem to have run out of words. It makes him want to smirk in satisfaction but at the same time wrap you in his arms. Had he known you would react this way, he would have done this way sooner. But he was busy being a fool back then. 

You were always by his side, through the worst and the best. You were his only constant in the world of variables. He always felt so at home with you, that the thought of changing the dynamics never occurred to him. You two were perfect being best friends and he thought that was how it was going to be forever. 

But then he's also a hopeless romantic at heart. He has always dreamt of his perfect partner and what life with them will look like. He has also had his fair share of crushes and relationships but never did the faceless person from his dreams appear to be one of them.

Now that he thinks of it, he knows why that was the case. 

"You don't have to say anything," Jin adds, not wanting you to stress about it. "I just needed you to know that I love you and I'm sorry for realising it so late."

Now as sassy as you are when you're tipsy, you're just as bold. Without thinking any further, you lean forward and kiss him. It's odd and something your sober self would never do, but right now you're definitely not sober. Plus, you can leave the overthinking for her when she wakes up tomorrow. At the moment, the only thing that matters to you is that the man you so irrevocably love, loves you back. 

Jin freezes and his eyes widen in shock when he feels your lips on his. 

He knows you are only doing this because you are drunk. He knows that had you been sober you would have asked a million questions by now. He also, knows that he shouldn't be kissing you back but when he hears a whine of complaint from you at his lack of enthusiasm, his resolve crumbles. 

He gently puts his palms on your cheeks and kisses you back passionately. The warm sensation of your lips on his makes his head spin and he wonders how on earth has he gone so long without doing this. 

However, he pulls back when he feels your tongue against his lips. "We should get you home."

You shake your head like a stubborn child. "No, I don't want to go."

Gosh, he wants to kiss that pout away. How did he not realise that it's been you all along? 

Blair watches from a distance as you throw your hands in the air like a small child and a smile makes its way onto her lips. Guess, she won't have to worry about you moping anymore. 

Yoongi

As soon as the doorbell rings, you freeze. That must be Yoongi.

You have been looking forward to this moment and at the same time have been dreading it. But it's one of those things that you know just needs to be done.

You haven't had a single moment of peace since yesterday. It's tiring honestly. You don't know how the conversation with Yoongi will go, but you at least hope that after this you won't feel this heavy weight on your shoulders and will be able to have a good night's sleep. 

With that hope, you open the door and you're greeted by Yoongi in a purple suit and the sight itself makes you swallow. You really wish you could marry him.

Shaking the thought away, you welcome him in and ask him to take a seat on the couch. 

"Would you like some tea or coffee?" You query

Yoongi shakes his head. "Nothing really. I had coffee before leaving."

Well then, guess you won't get the time to figure out how to start the conversation. 

You take a seat on the opposite couch and play with the rings that adorn your fingers. "I called you at my place because there's something important we need to talk about and I thought that a public place isn't suitable for the conversation."

Yoongi nods. He won't lie but he shares the same view. It's difficult for him as it is to talk about his emotions. He doesn't want to imagine having to explain why he came across as nonchalant to your confession and how he respects your honesty, more than he could show.

However, nothing could have prepared him for the next words that leave your mouth.

"I think we should not go forward with this marriage."

Your words cause Yoongi to choke. Out of all the things he wanted to discuss with you, he never saw this coming. "What?!"

Seeing Yoongi react like this catches you slightly off guard. Usually, he always has his emotions in check and is unreadable. It always makes you feel like he's out of reach. However, right now, you can read him like a book, which oddly enough gives you a sense of satisfaction.

"We should not get married." You repeat your words and wait for Yoongi's shocked features to subside. 

Yoongi looks at you and notices how determined you seem, as if you have thought about this long and hard and only then have you come to this decision. The thought that there's probably no changing your mind, scares him. 

Clearing his throat, he tries to sound as calm as he can. "Why though?"

Now it's your turn to be surprised. Isn't it obvious why the two of you shouldn't get married?

Chewing on your lower lip, you ponder how you should frame your words. After a brief pause, you start with a gentle tone that somehow comes out sad.

"When two people love each other, they get married. Not because they have to, but because they want to. It's like this celebration of their love, where they declare to the world that they are each other's for the rest of eternity. But you see, that's the most important factor–" you look up to lock eyes with Yoongi. "–love."

Love. 

It's a word Yoongi has hardly ever given thought to.

Yoongi knows what it feels like to be loved. His parents love him, his sister loves him, his friends love him, his dog loves him. He also knows what it is like to love someone because he loves these people just as much. But love in the way you describe it? Yoongi has never felt that.  

From a very young age, he has known that it will be his parents who will choose who he is to marry. Which is why he has never felt or given much thought to what it is like to want to spend his whole life with someone. 

But clearly, you have. 

It looks like you know exactly what you want and he won't lie, he envies that. He wonders what it's like for someone to know what they want so clearly that they won't settle for anything less. 

"We can always fall in love," he says with a small shrug as if it's not a big deal. The gesture makes his words look insincere and although it's true that he doesn't realise the intensity of his words, it's also true that he had shrugged simply to hide how uncomfortable he feels. He has never had to talk to someone about falling in love with them. 

You chuckle humorlessly. "I don't think you realise what falling in love really means." 

Yoongi wants to feel offended by your words but he can't. Because you're right. "Well, it's never too late to learn."

You can tell that Yoongi is being genuine. But you don't know how you should perceive his genuineness. Should you feel flattered that he's willing to give your marriage a try? Or should you feel sad that he has to try falling in love with someone? 

You don't know what the answer to that would be but the thought of him falling for you because he had no other choice, does not sit right with you. Even if you two were happy one day, maybe somewhere at the corner of your mind will be the thought that he fell for you only because you two were forced into this marriage. 

"I don't think it will work, Yoongi," you say with a sigh.

Yoongi's brow furrows in frustration. Why are you complicating things like this? "I don't understand what exactly is the problem?"

Here goes nothing.

"We have been on ten dates so far and on none of those occasions, did you ever seem interested in getting to know me on a deeper level. You are a closed book and I respect that it might not be easy for everyone to be open, but what counts is the effort. We have never had an open conversation or proper communication." Your voice comes out even, not a speck of anger or disappointment lacing your words. It sounds like you're only reading out observations from a science experiment. "Why do you think that is? If you were to ask me, and I might be wrong, but it's because you were never interested in the prospect of marrying."

"Had I not asked to break the marriage, things would have been pretty much the same and I would have never voiced these thoughts. You would have made no effort and I would have been trying way too hard to fulfil my wishes. Don't you see how wrong that could go?" 

Yoongi remains speechless with his mouth parted. 

"It's not only that, though," a small smile appears on your lips. "When you believe in love as much as I do, you'd know that love is inevitable. Everyone deserves it, including you. And I hope that when you do fall in love, you get to walk with them with your head held high without worrying about the wife you had to marry to boost your business."

With each word that comes out of your mouth, you feel a weight being lifted off of your chest one by one. Last night, you stayed up with countless thoughts running through your head. Countless reasons and scenarios why this marriage won't work and would be painful for both of you. Especially you.

Yoongi takes a deep inhale and lets the silence linger. 

What else is even there to say? You have given this a whole lot of thinking while he has hardly ever thought about it. Which only goes on to prove your point and how different both of your views on marriage are. 

Indeed, he has never shown much effort towards establishing a connection between the both of you. There's no denying that, but he wishes he could tell you that it's not because he wasn't interested in forming one but rather that he does not know how to. 

He knows there's no point in clarifying that now though, it will only sound like he's making excuses. Hence, he settles for responding to you with the only sentence that he thinks is relevant. 

"We can't break this alliance."

"I know," you nod. "It won't be easy but I'm sure we both will come up with a way to convince our parents."

Yoongi huffs, sensing that you are underestimating his words. "Do you know that the deal has been signed?" 

Your eyes widen in shock and disbelief. "What?! H–When?" 

Your reaction is enough for Yoongi to know that you indeed, had no idea about the papers being finalised and signed. Your previous words make much sense to Yoongi now and why you thought that the two of you even had any other option but to get married to each other. 

"About a week ago," he replies, expression now turning sombre. "I got to know about it only a couple of days ago."

A week ago? That would be around the time you and Yoongi went on your last date where you had confessed to him your feelings. Was it around the same time that both of your doors to escape were closed? 

Panic shoots through your veins when the thought that there might be no way out, comes to your mind. No, no, no. There has to be some way. 

But is there really?

Yoongi's company is way bigger than your father's. If the two of you back down now, the deal will be cancelled but it will be your father's company that will suffer the most whereas Yoongi's will recover in a few days. It was one thing if the deal was not signed. No gains, no losses. But now, it would be no gain, only losses. 

How can you do that to your parents knowing how much stress it will cause them?

You can't.

"I don't have any other choice, do I?" Your voice comes out small, highly in contrast with how confidently you were speaking a few minutes ago. 

"I don't think we do," Yoongi sighs, a deep sadness looming over his chest at how dejected you look. "But if it makes you feel any better, we can make a deal."

An abrupt chuckle escapes your lips. "Another deal? Haven't we already had enough?"

"This deal gives you the choice to be free," he comments, noticing how a small hopeful glint appears in your eyes.

"How?" 

"Let's stay married for a year, if you still want an out after that, we will get divorced." 

Yoongi's words give you a pause. 

You can't say that the deal is ideal but it is better than nothing. It gives you the hope that the two of you won't be stuck in a loveless marriage. It also does not create the pressure of being happy with each other because that's the only option.

After thinking for a few moments, you realise that this indeed is what it has all come down to and you'll have to accept it whether you like it or not.

"What about the business deal?" You query, your brain jumping to the concerns of the after-effects of having a divorce.

"By that time, the majority of shares will be transferred to me, I'll take care of it so that there is minimal loss."

You nod and sit back, feeling exhausted from the emotional rollercoaster this conversation has been. You just wish things were simple. That you both could get married to people you were in love with. Or that you both were in love with each other. 

The thought makes you look at Yoongi. You can still feel the butterflies in your stomach but there's also this dread that tags along.  

Last night, you had considered every possible scenario, and each one of them convinced you why this marriage is not a good idea. But out of all those, there was one which stood out, one that scared you the most and was the most heartbreaking. 

The possibility of you falling in love with Yoongi but his response being the same as it was on your last date. You know that the pain you went through this time, would be nothing compared to the pain you would experience then.

You don't want that.

The thought scares you so much, that you make a promise to yourself to not let your guard down so that the situation never occurs. 

Hoseok 

"You went a little too hard on us today," you say, breathless as you take a bottle of water and uncap it. 

Hoseok chuckles. "You say that after every class."

"Do I?" You ask with a small smile, knowing very well that you indeed do. But can you be blamed when Hoseok loses track of time when it comes to dancing and the only thing he focuses on is perfection?

He raises a brow as if asking you to stop pretending and you raise your arms in the air in mock surrender. 

He chuckles and shakes his head in amusement. "That's what I thought."

"Oh by the way," you say all excited. "I binge-watched little women during the weekend."

Hoseok's grin widens at the thought that you took the time to watch his recommended show. "Did you enjoy it?" 

A thoughtful look appears on your face. "I think it would have been better if the girls had more wins throughout but then I guess it wouldn't have been realistic."

Hoseok hums, understanding where you're coming from. That's an emotion he shares as well. While watching the show, he too wished that the girls didn't have to go through so many ups and downs.

"But you know what I liked?" You say with sparkling eyes. 

"What?" Hoseok asks, the gleam in your eyes doing something to his heart. 

"Choi Do-il's character!" You say with a small smirk on your lips.

Hoseok finds your behaviour amusing. "Liked him huh?"

"How can I not? He's so cool! He was so loyal to In-joo and he has such a sharp mind, made such tough decisions on the spot." You blabber. "I wish there was someone like him in real life, I'd fall for him in the blink of an eye."

"I wonder what Henry would have to say about that," he replies in a teasing tone, trying to pull your leg. But his smile fades when he sees that your excited expression has now turned sombre. 

You shake your head with a soft smile. "Well, we have broken up, so I don't think he would have anything in particular to say."

Hoseok hates that his first reaction is that of joy, which is soon followed by a feeling of guilt. He had convinced himself that he wasn't waiting for this particular day but now, his reaction clearly proves otherwise. 

For the time being, he puts his emotions aside and puts your feelings first.

"Do you want to talk about it?" 

You sigh. "There isn't anything to talk about. The relationship had run its course."

And that's the truth.

Things were pretty smooth at first, but when the honeymoon phase faded, somewhere down the line, both of you realised that you two weren't right for each other. 

The breakup wasn't painful for either of you and maybe that's what acceptance is supposed to be like. It was coming to this understanding that the both of you make great friends but there isn't much hope when it comes to something more than that. 

Hoseok chews on his lower lip and wonders what's the right thing to say. 

It has been six months since that day in the club and five months and three weeks since he realised that his feelings for you run deeper than he had initially thought. 

The first three weeks that followed after his realisation was not easy for him at all. He tried his best to be in denial but with time, he couldn't deny it anymore and he felt anger. Anger towards himself for having the audacity to accept that he has any form of romantic feelings for you after you had been so brave about yours and had put your heart on a plate only for him to be a complete dumb wit. Which was soon followed by the feeling of loss. He lost the opportunity when he had it and won't probably ever get it again. 

But after that, it started getting better. 

He accepted the fact that you have moved on with someone else and are happy with them. But that doesn't mean he did not get jealous every once in a while when he stumbled upon a picture of you and Henry on Instagram. That little spark of jealousy would serve as the reminder that somewhere deep down, he still wishes for you to be his. 

There have been times when he had thought about what he would do if someday, years later you and Henry were to break up. But never did he prepare himself for it. Plus, now, he finds it ridiculous that he had always thought that this would be an opportunity for him to correct his mistake when you could have very well removed any feelings for him from the very root. 

Before he can figure it out though, you sense the awkward silence and make an effort to break it. "I'm over it though, it does not bother me."

Hoseok nods softly, his thoughts still muddled. "How long has it been?"

"About a month."

Hoseok observes you closely from his peripheral. He notices how relaxed your features are and concludes that the topic of your breakup isn't necessarily a painful one for you. You also seem, pretty okay with the idea of the two of you having broken up, which makes him hope that you have moved on from Henry. And if in case you haven't, he will wait as long as it takes for you to let someone new in and he will do everything he possibly can to be that someone.

"This might be inappropriate but are you planning to return to the dating world?" Hoseok tries to look as casual as he can by pretending to arrange the CDs on the shelf.

It takes a few moments for you to think about the question before you can come up with an answer.

Are you looking for someone you can date? Not really. 

When you had downloaded Tinder all those months ago, it was simply so that you can find a distraction from Hoseok and move on. Fortunately, you found that and more in Henry. But now, that chapter is over and you don't find yourself actively looking for someone to be with.

"Not at the moment, no," you reply honestly. "Maybe a few months later, I'll reinstall Tinder," you laugh at the thought.

Hoseok hums, with his back facing you. "When you decide to reinstall the app, do tell me."

You don't think much of his words and innocently ask, "Why?" 

The whole of Hoseok's body heats up in anxiety and he starts putting the CDs on the shelf at a much high speed. "Because then I'll install tinder too and will search you up."

Your frown morphs into an expression of surprise and your lips part to form a small 'o'. 

Is…..is Hoseok saying what you think he's saying? Is it his way of saying that he would like to take you out on a date? And say, if the answer to these questions is, yes, what will you do?

In the six months that you have been with Henry, you haven't thought of Hoseok in that way. The intensity of your feelings lessened and you could let yourself be friends with him without letting your feelings get in the way. 

But are your feelings for him gone? 

You don't know.

Hoseok is a great friend of yours. He is nice, charming, kind, helpful and talented. Not to mention that he is utterly gorgeous. Anyone would be lucky to have him as their partner. But do you still want him as one?

You look at Hoseok and realise that the thought of being with him doesn't feel weird. If anything, it causes a little bit of excitement to stir up in your stomach.

It's true that your crush on him is not as deep as it once was and you're not looking for a relationship at the moment, but for some reason, you feel like when you're ready, you may just fall for him harder than you have ever before. 

Clearing your throat, you come up with a response that you think is just right. "In that case, I'll have to make sure that I don't forget to tell you about it." 

Hoseok turns around immediately to look at you with a surprised look as if that was the last thing he had expected you to say. But when that surprised look turns into that of relief, your previous questions about Hoseok's intent are answered. 

A smile appears on his lips when his surprise fades and he makes a promise to himself to not waste the chance you have been kind enough to give him again. "I'll eagerly wait for that day"

Something in your heart blooms at the soft look he gives you and you nod. 

After that, both of your chit-chat resumes and you two giggle and laugh like never before while you pack your stuff. Once you're done, you get ready to leave. "I'll get going then?"

With a gleeful smile, Hoseok responds, "see you next Saturday."

As you're walking out of the door, a thought appears to you. "Oh, also, you can't search for people on Tinder."

And then you're gone. 

Hoseok watches your retreating figure and he has to try really hard to stop smiling like a fool. 

Maybe there will be no need for Tinder after all. 

Namjoon

"I love Y/N," as soon as the words are out of his mouth, he winces, anticipating and dreading Yoongi's reaction. 

Yoongi, on the other hand, merely blinks at Namjoon's words. ".....and?"

Out of all the reactions, Namjoon thought Yoongi would give, this was not one of them. This makes things way scarier for him because he thinks this is Yoongi's version of 'calm before the storm'. 

"Listen, you can be mad at me all you want. I understand but I just wanted to let you know." Namjoon rambles, his voice coming out high-pitched. 

A small frown appears on Yoongi's face. This is it, Namjoon thinks.

"Why do you assume that I'm mad?" Yoongi's question, however, leaves Namjoon perplexed. He searches for any form of pretence on Yoongi's features but when he doesn't find any, he sighs.

"I don't know–" Yoongi's frown deepening is enough for Namjoon to backtrack and start speaking the truth. "–you told me that if I were to ever try to show interest in your sister, our friendship would be over."

"I mean, I don't recall saying that but it does sound like something I'd say," Yoongi nods. 

Now it's Namjoon's turn to frown. Is Yoongi mad or not? "What am I supposed to make of it?" 

"Nothing," Yoongi shrugs. "I should rather ask you, what was your purpose in telling me that you have feelings for Y/N? Was it because you felt like you had to ask for my permission? Or were you scared that it would affect our friendship?" A chuckle escapes Yoongi's lips. 

Namjoom sighs, feeling his muscles relax as he finally lets himself realise that Yoongi isn't mad. "I think it's more of the latter."

"So you won't ask for my permission, before pursuing her?" A scowl appears on Yoongi's face which immediately makes Namjoon stutter.

"I–I–I didn't mean that. Of course, I would ask for your permission." 

Yoongi tries his hardest to hold back the satisfied smirk that tries to make an appearance. It's nice to see Namjoon being scared of him every once in a while. 

"That's better," Yoongi hums. "And you don't have to worry about ruining our friendship and all that shit. That's very high school."

Namjoon feels like he can breathe again. After weeks, it feels like he can finally be honest with himself and most importantly with you, without being scared. A wide dimpled smile appears on his face at the thought of finally confessing to you. 

"Gosh, that's annoying," Yoongi huffs, with no real annoyance in his tone. If anything, he's glad to see the wide grin on his friend's face. "If she does reciprocate your feelings and the two of you become a couple, I do hope that the two of you don't turn out to be one of those intolerable ones."

You find almost everything intolerable. That's the thought that comes to Namjoon's mind but before he can speak those words, a much scary thought appears to him which takes his breath away. 

"What if Y/N does not accept my feelings?" His voice comes out in a whisper, too scared to speak those words loudly. 

Yoongi thinks the chances of that happening are very low. But he chooses not to say it. It's your feelings, you're the only one who knows where they lie. Yoongi does not wish to assume. Instead, he chooses to assure his friend that even if he were to get turned down, he will be there for him. 

"I will order a bottle of champagne and soju, each. If things work out, then we will celebrate with champagne. If they don't, then we can have soju." 

Namjoon is grateful for Yoongi's words, he really is but the fear that courses through his veins makes it impossible for him to think straight. "You don't get it. She confessed to me and I turned her down."

This time, a genuine scowl appears on Yoongi's face. "Why would you do that?"

Namjoon lets out a heavy breath. "I thought you'd be mad and our friendship would get ruined."

Yoongi tries his hardest not to let his eyes roll but ultimately fails. "Now I remember why I had told you not to pursue my sister."

Namjoon's heart drops at the comment. Is Yoongi about to change his mind? 

"One because it was high school and you were going through your fuckboy stage," Yoongi says, with squinted eyes that make it obvious that he's judging Namjoon. "Second, you were dense as fuck at times. Which, clearly, hasn't changed even now."

That had been two days ago. 

After the very scary chat session with Yoongi, Namjooon needed some time to recover. Two days to be exact. Now he has finally managed to grab the courage to talk to you and be honest. 

His hands hover in the air for a few moments before he knocks. He hopes and wants this to go well, otherwise, he thinks, he won't be able to forgive himself.

You frown when you hear the knock. Who has decided to bother you on a fine Sunday? 

You set aside the book you were reading and begrudgingly get up. With heavy steps, you head towards the door and swing it open. The regret that hits you is instantaneous. You should have checked through the peephole before opening. 

Namjoon notices your features drop and it makes him feel terribly guilty for his actions and words. With that guilt, also comes the strong need to make things right. 

"Do you need something?" You keep your tone cold to avoid any display of emotion. It's not that you are mad at him for the rejection. You're hurt about it, sure. Mad? No.

However, you feel incredibly embarrassed about confessing the way you did. You are aware that you were under the influence of alcohol but that doesn't make it any less humiliating. 

"I need to talk to you," Namjoon replies shakily as he finds his anxiety increasing. What if you have decided to move on or have come to the conclusion that he isn't worth it? 

You'd really like to make an excuse as to why you wouldn't be able to talk right now but something in you makes you decide otherwise. Maybe it's because you don't want things to be awkward between the two of you as it would put Yoongi in a tough spot. Or maybe it's because you hate seeing Namjoon so anxious, that you find yourself moving out of his way.

"Can I take a seat?" He asks awkwardly, with his index finger pointing at the couch, when he realises that you are simply waiting for him to start talking about whatever it is that he is here for. 

You are aware that you are being rude but you honestly don't know how to behave 'normally' around him, anymore. So, you simply hum and wait for him to take a seat. 

"Uhm," he clears his throat, "I wanted to talk to you about what happened at the party."

"We can talk about anything but that," you say pointedly. There's no way you are going to talk about that night when all you want is to leave that memory somewhere far behind. 

Namjoon notices the discomfort that etches your features despite your attempts at hiding it and sighs. "Okay, then I won't bring that up but I need to tell you something."

"Go on."

Namjoon takes in a deep breath before closing his eyes to grab the courage to let the words spill out. "I'm in love with you."

At first, the words don't sink in. 

You stand there, leaning against the wall, watching Namjoon. However, when you see the scared and anxious look on his face, you replay his words in your mind. 

I'm in love with you.

He's in love with you. 

The thought makes you angry.

You scoff. "Do you expect me to take you seriously?"

Namjoon shakes his head. "I don't expect you to but just hear me out."

"I don't want to." You declare stubbornly.

"I know but give me just one chance to explain myself." He pleads gently, not wanting you to feel as if you have to hear him out. He has already caused you enough pain and if you choose that you do not wish to hear him out, he is going to respect that. 

You want to laugh at Namjoon's request. You can accept the fact that he does not have feelings for you, no matter how hard that might be. But accepting that he is in love with you after the pain that you have been through? You can't accept that.

You'd very much like to close this topic and never have either of you mention it. But you can't say no to Namjoon when he looks like that. He is one of your biggest weaknesses and not hearing him out would cause you pain as well.

Instead of telling him verbally that you will hear him out, you look out of the window and stare outside blankly, which is enough for Namjoon to know that you're listening.

"I never thought that my feelings would be reciprocated. Which is why, I did not know what to say and said what I thought was right, at the time," his voice comes out vulnerable. 

You feel your annoyance flaring. If that really were the case he could have just said the truth. Why lie? Whose first instinct is to lie about their feelings, upon realising that they are not one sided?

Namjoon's next words answer your unasked question. "After my last two relationships ended the way, they did, I thought that all my relationships were destined to be doomed. I was scared to commit to anyone, especially you."

He sighs. "If we were to date and break up, it would change everything not only for the both of us but also for Yoongi. And if that were to happen I'd never be able to forgive myself."

It was around the time that Namjoon mentioned his last two relationships, that you stopped pretending to not care about what he had to say. You know how sensitive the topic is for him and for him to bring it up now, it must be serious. 

To put it simply, his last two relationships ended terribly. But each time, Namjoon blamed himself and thought that it was entirely his fault, which you know isn't the case.

Now that Namjoon breaks it down to you, you find your anger fading and find yourself sympathising with him. You may not agree with his actions but you can understand where he was coming from.

What you don't understand, however, is why he is telling you these things. If you're understanding him right, he said what he said at the party because he was scared. But now, he is here, telling you that he loves you. But why?

"Why are you telling me this?" You ask and you are surprised by the lack of coldness in your voice. Maybe it's because he's being vulnerable with you that gives you the courage to put your embarrassment aside for the time being.

Namjoon smiles softly. "I had a chat with Yoongi and it made me realise that I am the only one who thinks this way."

He was indeed scared shitless of his feelings affecting the friendship between him and Yoongi. He had taken Yoongi's cautionary way too seriously and while he was under that impression, what scared him even more was that he would take the risk of being with you only to later wish that he had stayed in his lane. He thought that maybe Yoongi too shares the same viewpoint as he does and hence had asked him to stay from you.

When he had gathered the courage to talk about it to Yoongi, it was with the intention of getting Yoongi's approval. Namjoon already knew that he wasn't going to listen to the voice in his head and that you were worth the risk. 

However, when Namjoon went back to his dorms and thought about the conversation he had with Yoongi, it made him realise that he was the only one who was holding these beliefs. Not only that, but Yoongi's reaction made him believe in himself, because even if Yoongi won't ever say it out loud, his calm and nonchalant behaviour was him letting Namjoon know that he trusts him.

"Plus," Namjoon continues, "I know I would regret it forever if I were to let you go simply because I was scared." 

You swallow at his words as any remaining trace of anger is washed away from your body. 

You know it can't be easy to do something when your insecurities are constantly telling you to do otherwise. But him doing just that, serves as a testimony of his love for you. Hence, even though at the beginning you weren't willing to accept his declaration of love, now you find your heart melting.

"So," you fiddle with your fingers. "What does all this mean?"

"Well if you have forgiven me for my stupidity, I'd like to take you out on a date." Namjoon hopes it isn't too soon to ask you out. But more than anything else, he wishes for your forgiveness. 

His words make your chest hurt and you immediately rush to make things clear. "There's nothing to be forgiven, I never held a grudge against you."

"But you wouldn't even look at me?" He asks, with a pained look.

Your heart sinks further. You had thought that it was only painful for you clearly that wasn't the case. "That's because I was embarrassed. It's just incredibly stupid to get drunk because you saw the man you love kissing someone else and then going and confessing like that."

Aaaahhhh.

Right, that whole him making out with someone, thing. He now remembers you mentioning it at the party. 

"Sorry to break it to you, but I did not kiss anyone," a small amused smile plays on his lips. "I was only helping the girl to get rid of something that had gotten into her eyes."

Your eyes widen when you hear that. Gosh, could you be any more stupid? You close your eyes tightly and groan in annoyance. 

Namjoon gets up from the couch and slowly walks towards you. He understands why it might have looked like he was making out with someone, after all, parties have the worst lighting. But he doesn't want you to feel embarrassed about it. After all, if it hadn't been for that misunderstanding, you would have never confessed and neither would he. 

After a small moment of hesitation, he puts his palm on your cheek and urges you to open your eyes.

"Hey," he whispers. "I'm really glad you misunderstood things that day. But I can assure you, that yours are the only lips I would ever want to kiss."

His words make you gulp. Here you were drowning in embarrassment a few moments ago and here you are now, breathless from the close proximity.

"Prove it," you whisper back. 

Namjoon's eyes fall on your lips. As much as he would like to feel how soft your lips are, he wants to do things right. 

With great willpower, he brings his eyes back to yours and kisses you on the forehead. "Trust me, there's nothing more I want than kissing you right now. But I want to take you out on a date first."

You chuckle at his words. "Well then, take me out on a date and at the end of it, kiss me like you mean it."

Namjoon's heart does a little dance at your words and he already feels his mind coming up with ideas of how he can make the date one that you never forget. "I'll make the date as perfect as you are."

Maybe you two will indeed be like one of those couples, Yoongi finds intolerable.

A/N: I definitely plan to write a Ceo Yoongi series with these two, hence that's how I decided to write them for this part!

For early access to maknae line and for choosing what characters you want the maknae line to play, head over to my patreon! Hope you enjoyed reading this part!

[buckyalpine]

Tw

Hi sweet dolcezza (that is Italian and means sweetness so sweet sweetness :) )

Hope you are doing well, I want to thank you again for your beautiful blog and wonderful works.

I am reading the last things you posted, beautiful as always!

Since I live for the drama, the sadness, the darkness...

I was thinking about how a broken boy with traumas, Bucky 🫢, would react about his girlfriend having mental health problem.

Maybe she has been developing them...

She wasn't always like that, she lost her sparkle and he doesn't know her like this, he sees another person, another woman, another human.

He can't understand and is confused, maybe mad.

On one side I think about him being supportive, on the other I think about him being disrespectful and invalidating, like he had lived major traumas but, he says "he is not complaining so much about it or playing the victim" like her.

-I had this hint because my mental health is not good, I have severe OCD, since I was a kid basically I remember being this way since the age of five four. I am struggling with ed and borderline personality disorder.

And I had partners that, even if they lived traumas, still invalidated mine a lot and called me names, so the were basically toxic.-

And i can't picture where Bucky could fall. Toxic? Supportive?

I love him, but sometimes he acts shady and not always I can read him.

I see him dark most of the time.

But they can always repair the relationship and be together or not?

(I am problematic with toxic guys ahahahaha)

Sorry for this and my life story, noone asked about buy still. I just think you are the best person to write something as deep.

I really hope you are doing good and enjoying your day so far.

A lot of kisses and hugs and support.

🌺

18+

Babes we are one in the same with toxic men. I like to think there's the version of Bucky who has so much love and empathy for others going through mental health struggles and then there’s the Bucky who loves you but doesn’t know how to process things and acts impulsively. Here, we look at the second. 

Warnings: Angst, Mental health issues, some toxic behavior, (happy ending, they learn to fix things)

Disclaimer: Some of the stuff in this fic are things I/others have gone though so please refrain from comments about why the reader stayed or what the reader should have done or how the story should have gone. Sometimes I get super sucked into the angsty parts and struggle to undo the damage so don’t read too much into it. 

I imagine it starts off bad because Bucky's still learning to deal with his own mental health and there are times where he can be selfish without meaning to. He's so used to having you comfort and take care of him, he doesn't know what to do when you start to change. He’s been through so much, he can’t imagine someone else feeling his level of anguish.

You’re no longer the same person he fell in love with. Your sparkle is gone. A grey dullness encasing you. He doesn’t know when things changed or why but he just wants you back; the distance between you both gets worse with each passing day. You try your best to still be there for him because you know he needs it; you love him with all your heart even when your own feels heavy. 

"Baby, are you okay?" 

"I’m fine"

Bucky practically scoffs when you ask him how he’s doing because you should know he’s never fine. He’s never okay. He doesn't know why you bother asking him when its the same shit he deals with on a daily basis. 

You can't bring yourself to tell him how you're feeling because you know he doesn't have the capacity to help you when he's struggling himself. He shrugs, not knowing what else to say, letting you wallow in your misery, taking his frustrations out during his workouts instead. Things continue to worsen; you fall deeper in your spiral while Bucky continues to shut you not, realizing it’s you who needs him. 

“Can we talk?”

You’re desperate at this point, hoping maybe he’ll at least listen but he shakes his head instead. Bucky can’t stop the bitterness that starts to rise in his chest; he missed his ma, his sisters. His missed living in a world where he understood the things around him, where he didn’t have to feel like a lost toddler every time he stepped outside. His feelings have nothing to do with you, he really does love you but all the bitterness spills onto the one person who is always there for him. 

“What’s the point y/n” 

“I-I just feel...” You shrug, not knowing how to tell Bucky of all people that you felt empty. 

“What do you feel. I don’t know what you even complain for” 

“I feel like I have no one Bucky” You felt your stomach drop when his eyes bore into you, as if he's challenging your feelings. 

“You still have your cousins, other family, friends. You complain so much but you’re so spoiled. I’m going through shit too, but you don’t see me acting like a victim”

You swallow the anger that tries to rise, trying to understand his point of view. It all comes to a boiling point because you're trying your hardest to hold it together while he doesn’t see your spiral break down.  You felt your heart splinter; after every time you had held him, loved him, cared for him, he looked at you with emptiness. 

“Bucky, I know you’re going through things-

“Things? You think I can just turn this fucking shit off y/n? I’m not fucking normal, and you’ll never fucking get it. Honestly, I don’t know what to tell you, I’ll stay at Steve’s tonight”

He makes his way to the door and you know you can’t be alone tonight, there’s too much going on inside.

“Please don’t” your voice is a plea, your practically begging at this point. You can feel your throat tighten because you feel selfish for struggling when he’s been through so much worse.

“Bucky please stay” you trail behind him, your knees shaking. You try to tug at his wrist but he doesn’t let you. When you finally try to cling onto his arm, his composure breaks. 

“GET OFF ME” he pulls out of your grasp, sending you stumbling back. He’s usually mindful of his strength but he doesn’t think and you lose your balance, ending up on the floor. He freezes in utter disbelief with himself, he’d never in a million years even try to hurt you. 

“Fuck, baby I’m so so-”

“Don’t”

Your eyes are now stone cold, your voice was low. He tries to help you up but you scramble away from him, adding distance between you both.  He takes a step forward again but something isn’t right, he finally sees how broken you look. 

“Y/n….”

“GET OUT”

Your voice tore through the walls and his eyes are wide with fear because he's never seen you so broken. He’s never heard you raise your voice like this; you’d always spoken to him softly. He’s scared because he didn’t mean to push you to your breaking point and he doesn’t know how to take it back. 

"I-"

“GET THE FUCK OUT” 

You pick yourself off the floor, your heart beating through your chest. You practically see red, after everything you had done for him, he called you selfish; you sat through every one of his panic attacks, his depressed days, his nightmares. He couldn't listen to you for one night. 

"You fucking piece of shit"

You angrily tried to wipe your face, moving away from him to pack a bag, not wanting to be near him for a minute longer. You go straight to your room while he runs after you, panic rising, he wants to cry but he can’t, not right now. 

“Doll I’m sorry-

“I don’t care” You rummage through some of your belongings, feeling yourself go numb. You felt like your mind didn’t even belong to you anymore, your body moving in autopilot. Bucky hates the vacant look on your face, he wants to hold you and tell you he’s sorry. He tries to wrap his arms around you, not knowing what else to do but you shove him away, shaking your head.

“Don’t-don’t touch me, don’t ever fucking touch me again”

He watches helplessly when you rip yourself away, shoving a few things into your duffle bag, not meeting his eyes. 

"I-I don't fucking love you, I-I'm d-d-one with you"

“Baby please don’t go” 

“Oh, so when you beg, I have to stay?” You scoff, letting out a humorless laugh “Fuck off”

He’s terrified now because while your movements are robotic, your body is shaking and you don’t even seem to notice. Bucky hates seeing you trembling; you’re about to leave the room and walk out but he stops you. 

“Bucky, move” You suck in a breath, your nails digging into your hands, but he stays rooted in place. 

“No bubba”

“Don’t call me that” Your voice trembles, another surge of anger flowing through you when he tries to reach out for you. “I SAID DON’T TOCUH ME”

He pulls you to his chest and you try to rip yourself free but he doesn’t let you go. 

“LET GO”

Bucky shakes his head, hugging you tighter, his tears dampening your hair. The screams and wails ripping from your chest burn his insides, you desperately try to escape but he cradles you closer. 

“M’sorry”

“L-let me g-o”

“M’sorry baby, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” He doesn’t care that your hitting his chest, he doesn’t care that your hands keep striking him. He can feel your body give way, your breaths uneven, months of pain spilling out all at once. He hugs you tighter like he should have done ages ago, realizing you needed him more than ever. Your body continues to fight but your angry screams turn into pained sobs. 

“I’m so sorry my babygirl” 

He carefully carries you to the bed where he can hold you in his lap. He tries to think of what you do for him, warming your body, rubbing his hands along your back and arms. He feels awful because you always take such good care of him and he was grasping at straws trying to do the same for you. You deserved so much more. 

“Shhhh” His lips brush against your forehead, one hand gently rubbing your chest while the other continues to soothe your back so he can regulate your breathing. “Slowly baby, breathe with me, okay?” 

You say nothing, but you try to follow his breaths, letting him take care of you. He continues to tell you how much he loves and cares for you, how sorry is he for hurting you. Exhaustion takes over and you allow yourself to fall asleep with him. A part of you is still angry but your too weak to move and you need to be held.  

You wake up in the middle of the night feeling his chest tremble against you. His soft sniffles are muffled as he tries to keep his cries down while cuddling you close. 

“Bucky?” You lift your head to see his broken expression. 

“I’m s-sorry” He chokes out, breaking down. He feels selfish again because he should be the one comforting you but he was angry with himself. “I-I can’t believe I hurt you angel” 

You move up so you can wipe some of his tears, his face puffy having cried for hours through the night. 

“I just needed you” You gently your fingers through his hair trying to calm him down. 

“I-I said shit I never should have said baby, I’m sorry. M’sorry sweet girl” 

“Why did you say those things” you whisper, your voice still hoarse.

“I’m so sorry angel, I- there’s not excuse, I’m sorry I was so selfish doll”

You nod, still feeling drained though a part of you feels better. You hadn’t fully forgiven him yet but you knew he meant every word plus there was no one else in the world you loved as much as him. He thinks about the way he mistreated you, realizing he really didn’t deserve your forgiveness at all. Your words replay in his head and his breaths become shallow. 

“Do-do you not love me anymore?” His voice is a broken whisper. You knew you didn’t mean it. The thought nearly kills him. He would have gone through hydra again over ever losing your love. Your thumb brushes over his lips silencing him. 

“Please don’t say you don’t love me”  He nuzzles himself further into your side, hugging you tightly, his voice a whimper. “Please, I’m sorry” 

“I was just angry Bucky. I love you” He calms down slightly but hes still on edge with himself. He wants to do better. He wants to take care of you. You had been there through everything for him and you deserved the same love a thousand times over. 

“I promise I’ll try harder angel” 

He stays true to his word. 

It doesn’t resolve overnight.

But he learns. And so do you.

He’s patient with you. He gives you endless love. He has his own hard days, and so do you but your by each others side through it all. He sees your sparkle return brighter than ever, 

Because he really does love you. 

Tags:

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[sigritandtheelves]

All Along, Like Fire (Part 7)

FINAL PART!

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6

Mature | 3.4k words | MSR, AU

—

October 13, 1995

Mulder sat alone in his apartment, head in his hands, staring at the floor and thinking. Diana was gone—her things gone, most of the furniture, even the crock pot his mother gave them for their wedding. He wanted to believe that all of this wasn’t his fault, but he felt like a failure for the way their marriage had ended. And for the decisions he’d been forced to make because of it. At his feet was a lone cardboard box of photocopies, the most important documents he was able to salvage. It was the all he had left of the X-Files.

His clothes were also boxed up, along with his books, his trophies, his diplomas and knickknacks. Tomorrow morning, a moving truck would arrive, and he would say goodbye to this place forever. He wasn’t sorry. Just sad, a little ashamed. He’d let Diana make a fool of him here, let her seduce truths out of him while he was blindly manipulated for years. He’d planned to sulk alone until it was time to load the truck, but a knock on the door startled him. He opened it to three familiar faces.

“Well well well,” Frohike said. “If it isn’t the spooky birthday boy on Friday the 13th.” The little man shoved a bottle of Jack Daniels into Mulder’s chest and pushed into the apartment.

“Happy Birthday, man.” This from Langly who toted three pizzas, which he tossed onto the coffee table. Byers echoed the sentiment, carrying a mysterious white box under his arm.

“What are you guys doing here?” Mulder asked, not unkindly.

“Couldn’t let you sit alone on your birthday, could we? We’ve got a lot to celebrate.”

“We do?”

Frohike was digging around in the kitchen cabinet for glasses, but they were almost all packed away. He settled for a quartet of coffee mugs and plastic novelty cups. “Yes! Imminent divorce and new beginnings! Fighting the good fight!” He carried the dishes in and passed them around.

“We’re gonna miss you, Mulder,” Byers said. “But we all agree this is a good step. You can do some really good work this way.”

“Then why do I feel so crappy?” Mulder poured shots of the Jack Daniels into the mismatched cups.

“When’s the last time you saw Scully?” Langley asked, flipping open the first pizza and digging in for a slice.

“Last week.” Mulder frowned.

“Well, there’s your answer. Cheers.” Frohike knocked mugs with Mulder and threw back a shot. “All in good time, my man.”

Mulder downed his shot with a wince and reached for a slice of pizza. “What’s in the box?”

Langley waggled his eyebrows. “Goodies,” he said.

“Open it up,” Byers tapped the lid of the unmarked container.

Inside were several gadgets, one of which looked like a large gray brick, and at least two bulky phones with fat antennas.

Byers explained, “Those are hacked satellite phones that will connect from anywhere. They’re essentially untraceable and should hold their battery for several days between charges. Good for off-grid work.”

Langley was too excited to wait for him to ask about the brick. “And this one’s a hacked satellite modem. You’ll have internet no matter how remote you are. New tech, definitely not consumer hardware.”

“So you can stay in touch,” Byers added.

At the bottom of the box was a new laptop, which Mulder was sure had a range of nonstandard additions and upgrades.

“And we’re gonna come out to visit,” Frohike said. “Soon. Maybe this winter if that’s okay.” If Mulder didn’t know better, he’d think the man was choking up. He was touched, and another wave of sadness washed over him.

“Thanks guys,” he said, voice thick.

—

San Diego, CA

The warm California air made Scully think of her childhood—fond memories with Melissa on base housing, sticky summers when freckles appeared on all the Scully children’s noses. She drove up in front of a small house that was so like the one in which she’d spent those years. She double checked the address against the one on her paper; it was right, though she couldn’t imagine this unassuming abode as the site of any secret research. There was a small garden out front, wind chimes hanging from the porch roof. She breathed in deeply. There was no reason not to go in now except the terrifying thundering of her heart and the sense that there was no going back after this. She opened the driver’s side door and got out.

On the porch, she was greeted by two unsmiling men—not hired muscle, she thought. Maybe doctors in plainclothes to blend in with the suburban atmosphere. They wore khakis and polo shirts and the looked around, suspicious, before letting her in. Beyond the foyer, the inside of the house couldn’t be any more different than its outside. It was sterile, white, and filled with beeping machines and medical equipment.

“This way,” one of the men said. He led her up the stairs to the second floor landing, where a woman in scrubs was backing out of a room, closing the door behind her. The man led Scully to the left, to an open bedroom door that was just as sterile, just as white as the downstairs. Here, though, a crib sat in the corner—also white—with a mobile of farm animals hanging over it. In the center of the room stood Diana Fowley. Scully’s eyes ping-ponged between the crib and the woman she didn’t trust at all.

“Agent Scully,” Diana said.

“Not anymore.”

The other woman’s mouth twitched into a smile. “Right, of course.”

“Where is she?” Scully’s heart was pounding, and she wouldn’t allow herself to think about what—or who—was behind the other doors of this nightmare suburban experiment.

“In the crib,” Diana said, stepping aside to let Scully see. “She’s sleeping.”

Scully took three steps closer. She couldn’t breathe. As she approached, she saw a tiny figure in a onesie covered in stars, little fingers curled into fists on either side of her auburn head. “Oh my god,” she whispered.

The child looked perfect. She moved her lips into a subtle dreamy frown, and her long lashes lay against pink cheeks. Scully bent over to lay a hand on the baby’s chest, to feel the movement of her steady breathing and the tiny flutter of her heart.

“You can pick her up,” Diana said. “She’s yours now.”

Tears were blurring Scully’s vision. She tried to blink them away, but one slid down her cheek. She swiped it quickly. “And she’s well now? She won’t get sick?”

“She’s healthy,” Diana confirmed. “But she’s chipped. Like you are.”

A brief wave of anger flared through Scully, but she swallowed it down. She knew what she’d bargained for. She’d accepted the price. She brushed a finger against the baby’s cheek, and the child turned into it, as though seeking out comfort. “Does she have a name?”

“The nurses were calling her Emily, so that’s the name we put on the paperwork. You could change it, but that might take some time.”

Scully shook her head. “No,” she said. “No, I like Emily.” She couldn’t imagine giving up a single minute with this baby for the sake of another hoop she’d have to jump through. She swallowed hard against the lump in her throat, then reached both hands into the crib to scoop the child up. Emily wrinkled her little nose and let out a whimper, but didn’t wake. Scully held the baby against her chest, buried her nose in the impossibly soft skin of her neck, her downy head.

“Hello Emily,” she said, and closed her eyes against the enormity of it.

—

Traveling with an infant was a new experience for Scully, and not easy while alone. She was terrified that the baby would stop breathing in the back seat while they drove, that she’d be too hot, too cold, too hungry. But little Emily seemed happy enough, and slept for much of the first day’s drive. Scully had bought a pack-and-play, formula, bottles, and diaper packages in two sizes. Instant motherhood was even more frightening than leaving the job she’d worked so hard to prove herself in.

At a rest stop in Santa Rosa to change the baby and get some caffeine, Scully discovered something hard buried in the package of clothes Diana had sent with her. It was a small cryo-package containing three vials. One was clearly blood: Emily’s, she thought, dated July of this year. Before she’d been cured. Another was mysteriously green and unlabeled. The third looked familiar, an amber liquid she’d seen before. It was labeled Purity - 3.9506. A dated code: the current iteration of the vaccine. She almost didn’t notice the note tucked below the package:

         To get you started.

                   - DF

Scully wanted to hate Diana, but she found herself unable to conjure the same fury she’d felt last year. This was a gift that Diana taken great risks to provide. Whatever bargain she’d made to keep herself safe, it was clear that the woman was still ensnared by the Syndicate’s poisoned grasp. Scully allowed herself to feel grateful to her, despite everything she’d done. Scully placed the vials back in the chamber and made a note to store them with her own recovered ova. Emily had woken up when the car stopped moving, and was beginning to fuss. Scully shoved the clean onesie into the diaper bag and unbuckled the baby, hushing softly to her and humming.

“Shh, it’s okay,” she murmured.

Scully was unaccustomed to the number of strangers’ smiles that greeted them. An elderly couple stopped to coo over the chubby infant, to remark how like her mother she was. Scully’s smile was tight-lipped and nervous. They weren’t wrong—the child did look like her. She had the same blue eyes, the same fair coloring. She tucked Emily’s warm little body against her chest and nuzzled her head.

“Let’s get you some food, hmm?”

By the third and final day of driving, fear had turned overwhelmingly to love. When the baby woke in the morning light, she greeted Scully with a wide, two-toothed grin. She sat up in her pack-and-play and pushed at the mesh sides.

“Good morning!” Scully laughed and felt a flood of warmth accompany her own smile. The little girl babbled a steady “yah yah yah.”

They had six more hours on the road, and then a whole new life ahead of them.

—

Lummi Island, WA

October 20, 1995

Beyond the mainland, the salt air reminded Mulder of chill mornings on the Vineyard. He could go fishing here, or watch the sunrise from a boat, every day if he wanted. Though the coastline and the island were different from the ones where he’d grown up, the place felt like home. The closer he drew to his final destination, the more the melancholy that had clung to him in the last two weeks melted away. He was nervous, but it felt more like excitement than anxiety now. He fiddled with the radio—there wasn’t much signal to pick up on the island, but he needed something to fidget with. The anticipation was almost unbearable.

He rounded a grove of trees and finally caught sight of the little house up a short driveway: blue clapboard, a tiny porch, a brown shingled roof over the cozy two-story cottage. He pulled up alongside a white fence—honest-to-god picket—and climbed out, stretching his limbs with a massive heave of his chest outward.

This was it. This was home, now.

The front door of the house opened, and he felt his heart stutter, then swell. There she was. There they both were.  Dana Scully walked toward him with an impossibly cute baby on her hip, smiling broadly in jeans and a woolen sweater.

Mulder couldn’t help the grin that broke out over his face. He pushed through the waist-high gate and walked up onto the porch.

“There are my girls,” he said.

Scully blushed. “You made it.”

“I did,” he said as he reached them. He leaned down to kiss the woman he’d ached for over two long weeks. Her lips were soft and sweet, and her eyes dropped closed at the contact. He cupped her cheek, curled his other hand at her waist, and felt the pull of her middle toward his. “I missed you,” he said into her mouth.

Scully breathed deeply, eyes still closed for a moment, and nodded. Then he turned his attention to the baby.

“And you must be Emily.” The infant eyed him curiously and reached a finger out to touch his nose. “Hi baby.” She pulled the hand back and tucked two fingers into her wet mouth. Mulder booped her own nose in return, which earned him a shy half-smile as she tucked her head against Scully’s neck. “She looks just like you said. Just as perfect.” Mulder palmed the baby’s downy head, where blonde hair was growing in soft and fair. The little girl didn’t pull back or object, just watched him with something like awe.

“She’s been really good,” Scully explained. “I think she’s only cried twice since I brought her here. I mean she fusses, but…” Scully shrugged.

Mulder tickled the baby’s belly, and reached into his jacket pocket. He pulled out a tiny stuffed fox about the size of his hand, and Emily’s eyes went wide. “You like him? That’s Mr. Fox.” He handed over the toy, which Emily grasped with both hands. “He’s like me.”

Emily pressed her little fingers into the fox’s button eyes, her tiny fingernails scritching at the plastic.  Then she brought the fox’s head toward her mouth and bit down on the pointy nose.

Scully laughed. “She likes it.”

Mulder bent to kiss the top of the child’s head, then added another to Scully’s head for good measure. “Let’s go inside, hmm? I can’t wait to see how it looks in person.”

—

Later that night they lay facing each other on her bed—their bed now, Scully realized, and the thought made her heart beat faster. They were tucked under quilts and printed flannel sheets against the autumn chill. Emily slept in the second tiny bedroom next door, warm and safe with a mobile of colorful planets and her little fox beside her.

Scully felt the momentousness of this night, now that it was just them, now that they were really together. She found herself watching Mulder for doubts, for guilt, for regret. She held her own small sorrows: leaving her mother, leaving her job. But she feared most that Mulder would come to resent her for the loss of their work in D.C., their resources, their allies inside, as it were.

Mulder pursed his lips in a frown. “What are you thinking?” he asked.

Everything, everything. Her mind was spinning: What if we fail? What if we lose her? What if they take back the bargain and come for us all in the night? What if you never forgive me? But Scully just shook her head. It felt like too much to talk about now. “It’s nothing. It’s okay.”

She knew he wouldn’t believe her, and he didn’t. He moved his face closer to hers on the pillow. “It’s not nothing.”

Scully’s fingers fidgeted under the blanket. She heaved a deep sigh, and decided not to begin their new life by hiding things, by keeping anything bottled up. “I know we have a plan,” she said. “I know we’re not giving up and that our work will just be different here, but… it’s pretty enormous change—all of this. You must have doubts. I just don’t want you to… regret this. Because of me.”

Mulder was quiet for a long moment, his brow furrowed in thought. “I understand why you might think that,” he said finally. “I know that in a lot of ways, this feels crazy.”

It did, Scully conceded. Two months ago, they woke up in their separate city apartments and put on suits to go to work for the government. Mulder was married to another woman. Now they were on a remote island off the west coast, with a baby for god’s sake, planning a resistance to a global colonization in secret. Their lives couldn’t be more different.

Mulder reached an arm across the space between them and took hold of her hand under the blanket. “It’s hard for me to explain why, but this feels right.” She could barely make out his features in the dim light, but she sensed how serious his face was, how intense his look. “Scully, all of this started for me, because my family lost a little girl, and it ripped us apart. I lost her. I lost my family. I needed something to fill that emptiness, and I did it with work, which I thought might help me find her again. I wanted so badly to fix what happened to us.”

Scully nodded. She felt her chin wobble at the profundity in the pause between his words.

“But the same evil that took my sister also gave me another little girl. And it gave me you.” He squeezed her hand. “I still need to know what happened to Samantha after my father used her as a bargaining chip. And I will find out. That hasn’t changed.” He swallowed hard, and Scully wanted very badly to lean over and kiss comfort into him. “But this,” he motioned between them, “is a real chance at family, and that’s something I never thought I could have again, not even with Diana. I don’t know what kind of father I might make, if that’s even what you want from me. I didn’t have a good role model. But… I want us to try.”

Tears were dripping down Scully’s nose now into the flannel pillowcase, and she found it hard to speak. She sniffed. Nodded. Bent her forehead to touch his. “I want that too,” she managed to say. “And I want… Emily to think of you as her father. If that’s okay, I mean. If you want it.” She shook her head at her nervous rambling. “I just know you’d be a really good dad.”

Mulder nuzzled her nose with his own , unmindful of the damp. Then he tipped his chin to kiss her lips, sliding his arm around her middle and pulling her toward him. They held each other tight in the near-dark. “Yeah,” he croaked, and Scully realized he was on the verge of tears, too. “I want that.”

Her head fit perfectly, tucked under his chin. Her face pressed against his t-shirt where she could feel his heart beating, and she pressed a kiss there. She pushed one knee between his and breathed deep, letting the smell of him, of them together, fill her with warmth and need. God, she loved him so much. It was like she’d been holding her breath her whole life, and now she was gulping in oxygen. She knew, then, that they would make this work.

“Well,” Mulder said, his tone lighter now, “if I am any good at it, we’ve got all those little frozen uber-Scullys in storage. Maybe we’ll just make a whole tribe, huh?” His hand was on her waist, and he slipped it between them to poke her belly.

She laughed through her tears, nodding. “Yeah, maybe we will.”

And then he was kissing her and she was kissing him back and it was getting too hot under the blankets for all these pajamas. They were hungry for each other. He touched her like she was the only thing he’d ever wanted, like this was the only thing that mattered. They made love in tear-streaked desperation: clutching, dizzy love—though they were quiet and mindful not to wake the baby (their baby) with too much noise. After, when they’d slept an hour or so, he woke her gently with more kisses. This time their lovemaking was slow and gentle and reverent—like they had the rest of their lives.

— END —

A/N: I had many ideas about what their big plan was to save the world, how they’d build a network of allies through the Hosteens (and the Lummi people that they are so close to now), because who better to help them survive colonization than the people who have already survived it? But this ending also felt right and I think I’m happy with it. Thank you so so so much to everyone who has read and left hearts and kudos and comments. This was supposed to be a one-off little thing. It’s no novel, but it’s more than I’ve been able to write in a while.

[shouldershimmycity]

Papers (Pt. 1) Rooster x Reader

Maverick pulled Rooster's papers for a reason, but he never told him why. When Maverick is questioned again he still refuses to answer out of respect for Carole. Until you let it slip, and now he knows.

Angst? Swearing. Rooster having sad boi Thursdays.

This is my first fic please be gentle with me.

ALL PARTS ARE POSTED

*****

Dirt swirled up around your truck as you pulled up to your dad’s hangar. You took a second to look around, noting the beautiful, absolutely clear sky. Perfect for flying, of course. But your dad was tweaking a few things on the P-51 and Rooster was helping him. So flying would have to wait for another day. It’s not like you didn’t do that on a daily basis anyway.

The three of you had been involved in the mission that had called your father back to Top Gun in the first place and put him face to face with Rooster. It had been nice to see him in person again, but you had never lost touch with him like your father did. After they had both been shot down and took a joyride in an enemy F-14, they seemed to be on relatively good terms.

Bradley had been a friend to you all his life, having lost his dad and you having no mom. You both felt the need to protect each other from a very early age, and of course both your parents adored the other’s child. Carole was like your mother and Maverick had stepped in as best as he could to fill the role of Bradley’s father, since he felt responsible for what had happened to Goose. Although unconventional, you had a nice little family growing up. Until Carole died and Bradley’s papers were pulled. You frowned, remembering the night Bradley found out. He had been so upset. God, you lost your voice from screaming at your father when Bradley had told you.

You slammed the door so hard it should have fallen off the hinges. Your footsteps sounded hard, you were moving with a sense of purpose and that scared Maverick shitless. He knew exactly what that was and he braced himself for it. He could fly the most dangerous mission and not break a sweat, but facing his daughter when she was angry with him… oh boy. He sat waiting for hell in the living room.

He had pulled Bradley’s papers, as his mother’s dying wish. Maverick knew it would be hard on him to lose his only remaining parent, as he had been through that himself, but he didn’t want Bradley to resent his mother for grounding him. The familiar weight of Goose’s loss crept over him, and he took a long sip of his beer. He believed Bradley was more than capable of handling himself, but he understood Carole’s wish that her son would never be in the same position as her husband was. It pained Maverick more than anything to do that to him, the kid he looked at as a son. He knew it would hurt you too, because your papers had made it through. 

Maverick’s thoughts were interrupted by the sound of heavy breathing behind him. He turned to look at you, nothing but guilt in his eyes. You stood there, eyes full of rage and betrayal, your hands shook violently. Maverick opened his mouth to speak, but you cut him off.

“How fucking dare you? What the hell is wrong with you, do you hate Bradley or something? You’ve overstepped so far, it's not even funny!” Your tone was dark and meant to wound. You wanted it to hurt him like he had done to Bradley. 

“Listen, I know it hurts and I–,” Maverick trailed off, looking down at the ground, “I had reasons for it and I can’t explain them but it had to be done.” He hated being the bad guy, especially because he wanted Bradley to follow in his father’s footsteps, just like you were planning to do with your old man. But, Carole’s word was the only one that mattered here. 

“Why did you do it?” 

Maverick flinched at the way your voice cracked. 

“I told you, I can’t e–”

“Why did you do it?”

“Sweetheart, I ca–”

“WHY? DID? YOU? DO IT?”

Maverick sat in silence for a second, then he looked up to meet your gaze again. You had angry tears rolling down your face and every bone in your father’s body ached for what he had done to you and to Bradley. 

“...Carole asked me to…” he confessed, “I pulled his paper’s because I didn’t want him to resent his mother for the rest of his life, they loved each other too much.”

Your face twisted from rage to surprise, then puzzled, and finally understanding.

“...oh,” you whispered.

“Bradley can’t know, it would crush him more than… more than I already did,” Maverick sighed in defeat. 

You nodded slowly, running through everything in your mind. You hated the fact that it made sense, you hated a lot of things about the situation. You were now privy to the real reason his papers were pulled, but it still sucked. You loved Bradley and wanted the world for him, but suddenly the bandaid was ripped off and you saw all sides of it. It all made sense too, which sucked even more. 

You sobbed, and your father immediately got up to give you a hug. It wasn’t fair, but you knew you couldn’t do anything to fix it. What’s done is done and it was too far out of your reach. You wept for Bradley.

A light tap on your window snapped you out of your daze, and you turned off your car and opened the driver side door. Your dad cocked his head at you and you waved him off starting off towards the hangar. You noticed a lack of one Bradley Rooster Bradshaw in the area, and looked over at your father with a raised eyebrow. That's when you saw the look on his face. 

“Rooster?”

“He and I got into an argument this morning..” your dad said sadly, by the look on his face you could tell he felt like he was right back where he started. 

“What about? I thought…” you trailed off. 

“He asked me why I pulled his papers.” 

“...did you tell him?” your heart started racing, wondering what the hell happened and if it was going to take Bradley away from you. 

You and Bradley were extremely close. You had even dated prior to the paper incident, but had collectively decided it wouldn’t be good timing if you were both about to join the Navy. You still held onto your feelings for him even though he seemed to drop his for you a long time ago. He never roped you into the mess between him and Maverick, so you had been the one to support him through it. 

“I couldn’t. You know I couldn’t,” he sighed, defeated. At this point this was a decade and a half long problem. “Of course he got mad at me and left.”

“Let me go talk to him about it,” you started to turn and your dad grabbed your shoulder before you could walk away.

“You can’t tell him about Carole,” he pleaded. 

You went back and forth in your head about the pros and cons of telling him and not telling him. If you told him, he might get the closure he needed, but it might break his heart. You nodded to your father solemnly. 

“I won’t.”

You shouldn't have made any promises.

*****

You had called Rooster to find out where he was, only to discover that he was waiting for you at your house. It didn’t surprise you. Usually he would come to you whenever he needed a friend. His old Bronco sat in your driveway, and the dejected looking aviator sat on your doorstep, in all his Hawaiian shirt glory. You parked in your usual spot and Rooster couldn’t help but smile when you approached the front step. 

“What’s cookin good lookin?” he asked, as you passed him to unlock the door.

You raised an eyebrow at him, he was always saying ridiculous shit like that to you and no one else. You were also raising an eyebrow because he was unusually cheery for being on your doorstep. It’s not like he didn’t visit you, but you both knew why you were there. Rooster’s face fell.

“I know, let's go inside and talk,” you said, pushing the door open for him. He stood up and followed you inside. 

You got yourselves some lemonade and pulled out some leftovers, offering some to Rooster, who politely declined. He sat on your couch and you sat on your coffee table. He went on for almost an hour about how frustrated he was with Maverick. He got angry when he talked about how pissed his dad would have been if he were still here, and how his mom would have hated Maverick for it. You made him drink before he got too angry, like a small child needing to take a breather, and when he finished he sat there quietly.

“He still won’t tell me anything…” Bradley whispered, “I thought everything... but he still won’t… I just don’t know why he did it. I want to know why he pulled my papers. I feel like I’m stuck on this and I can’t just let it go… you’re staring at me, what?” 

You blinked, shaking your head. 

“Just listening is all, you know how I feel about this whole situation and how I’ve always felt. I’m frustrated for you.”

He hung it head and you both sat there in silence for a good amount of time, until Rooster slowly listed his head to meet your eyes. 

“Sunny?” he asked cautiously, your call sign pulling you out of your own head.

“Yeah?”

“...Do you know the reason your father pulled my papers?”

Your stomach twisted into knots. You absolutely knew, you had never let on that you knew, you never wanted Bradley to know that you knew this whole time. If you lied to him, he would know it, if you didn’t he would be heartbroken. You quickly went back and forth between telling him and not telling him.

“Sunny?”

You were sweating now, and you knew he knew. You had to tell him. You gently took his warm hands and looked away from the eyes you loved so much. 

“Yes, Rooster, I know…” you said quietly.

You felt his hands tense up in yours, and his breathing hitched. You looked up at his face and my god you wish you hadn’t. There was so much pain. You sighed. 

“I didn’t tell you because I know the reason is going to hurt you…” you whispered, “I wanted to tell you so bad…”

“Tell me now…” he demanded, his voice little above a whisper.

“Rooster…” you never called him Bradley directly anymore, just from habit, “before your mother died…” you began carefully, “she didn’t… she didn’t want you flying… she asked Maverick to watch out for you and she–” you were cut off by Bradley standing up suddenly and sharply. You could see a hardness on his face that you didn’t like, and you could see tears in his eyes from where you sat.

You broke his heart with the truth, like you knew you would. Regret filled every vein in your body. Now you know why your father never told him. He wouldn’t look at you, and your heart broke. You deserved it, this is why your dad said not to tell him and you did anyway. You were an idiot, and mentally you kicked your own ass in every way you could possibly think of.

“I have to go…” Rooster said, abrubtly.

"Roo--"

"You lied to me... all this time. You're no better than your father, Sunny..." he stabbed me with those words, his eyes drilling holes into my skull, and he left without another word, slamming the door on the way out.

You sat on your coffee table in silence, staring at the place where your best friend had just been sitting, and you began crying. This went on until you couldn't breathe for a good five minutes, and after you finally calmed yourself enough to shakily reached your hand into your pocket, you called your father. The phone rang twice before Maverick answered.

“Dad…" you rasped, "Rooster knows.” 

[shadowcrowsworld]

Love of fire 2

Eris x reader

Summary: Y/N doesn't feel like her place is in the night Court.

!English isn't my first language!

Part 1

Nesta seemed to come out of her shock before me. "You are high lord and lady of the fucking night court and you are telling me that there was no other solution than sending Y/N to the autumn court." They started bickering about it but I didn't listen to it.

They should have asked me without a question but what can I do about it. The deal was made. I searched my way out of her and found Azriel talking to Cas on the other side of the room. It looked like none of the two Illyrian knew yet what would be my future so the shadow singer was my way out of here.

Neither my sisters or my brother-in-law seems to notice how I slowly moved away from them. But does I Feld his eyes burning into my skin. Like he was trying to burn down my walls to see the small girl that hide in a corner trying to protect herself from everything around her.

Carefully I locked in his direction and for a small moment a saw something like worry in his eyes but in the next moment it was gone and he concentrated on the man in front of him. It'd sad how your brain tries to trick you into something what wasn't there just to comfort you.

When I came to a hold next to the Illyrian warriors, they stopped their conversation and looked at me concerned and then in the direction where my sisters and Rhysand seem to continue arguing. Thanks for not asking me what happened. So as treading me like a little child that doesn't have an opinion for itself.

What happened that everyone thought they have to control my life in a good and bad way. "Can you bring me up." But the shadow singer kept ignoring me. In his eyes I could see how he wasn't even listening to me instead he kept on looking to the other three, thanks for nothing. I felt how the anxiety kept climbing up my throat. Everything around me seems to get lauder, the voices coming back from the walls.

No not here. I hide my hands behind my back and started playing with my fingers breath they treating you already like a child a panic attack wouldn't help with it. When he doesn't want to help me to get out of here, I will find a way to at least making a fool out of myself and find a quiet place. My vision started to get blurry and black around the corners. I need to get out of here. I need to leave the darkness was eating me alive more than usual. This place was eating me. I needed to get out before the panic blocked my legs and I would break down in the middle of the room.

The door was only a few steps away when something warm stooped me at my hip. "I think our first weeks starts now." I was pressed against a chest when warm flames surrounded us and in the next moment we were gone.

"Breath little fox the forest has enough air." Slowly I could make out our surroundings we were standing in the middle of a beautiful forest. I stood in a forest. No people, no notices that stressed me, just a calm and quiets forest and air filled my lungs "See it isn't so hard." I could feel his lips at my ear. Normally I would push him away to get some distance between us but I didn't have the energy to do it.

With every breath that filled my lungs I could make out my situation. Eris has decided to start the new agreement a little early and brought me into the autumn court. "Why did you bring me here. This isn't really polite of you."

"Oh, I am sorry my little fox I will work on it but you looked like you needed a lift after the shadow singer didn't react when you asked him. And only for the protocol I think that is rude." He turned me in his arms and know I could look him into the eyes. "Alright fire boy however you decided to bring me to autumn instead of my bedroom so the task wasn't completed to my wishes."

I could see a smirk on his face. "Oh, I am sorry I could bring you to mine I promise you it is wonderful." "Thank you." I laid my hands on his chest and pushed myself away from him. "But no thank you."

I freed my feed from the horrible shoes and started to walk through the forest. Eris was silently following me; he gave me space and that was more that I could ask for in the moment. It was getting darker but I could make out a small light in between the trees.

Because he didn't stop me and I didn't know how long I could keep on walking so taht I was walking towards the lights. We ended up in front of a small cabin from the inside I could her dogs and when only a few meters were left five dogs ran out of the door. It seems like they opened the door for themselfs because there was no one standing in the door. Eris behind me stiffened and the distance he had given me was getting smaller quickly.

I kneeled before the dogs could reached me; I always loved these little creatures. "Y/N be careful they can." But I didn't listen to him I was way to occupied with petting the dogs.

When I turned around, I could see Eris with a shocked impression. "Normally they didn't like strangers." "They are yours?" "Yes they are" He came down to me on the ground and started to pet them but they didn't seem to have a lot interest in him. "I will be honest with you I never thought of you like a dog father fire boy." "Most people don't think of me any good so dogs are definitely not in their description involved when they talk about me."

He got up from the ground and hold his hand out for me. For a moment I looked between him and his hand before I decided to take the hand. Before this evening started, I thought that he needed a chance or at least that every villain has his own story.

The house was warm and little fire was on. I let myself fall onto the comfortable looking couch. Eris was standing in a doorframe that looks like the door to a kitchen.

"I will get us something to drink do I have to be concerned that you will try to escape?" I shacked my head. There wasn't a reason for it.  The deal was made I will stay a weak with him nobody could do something against it and definitely not me.

"Good when I am honest, I didn't even feel like running after you this evening I would let you stay the night outside and capture you tomorrow." He turned around and walked into the kitchen. Three of his dogs followed him and the other two jumped to me on the couch. "I am not sure that your dad allows you on here." The dogs just keep snuggling into me and I laid down. Eris brought me into this forest and not strait to his father and just with that he owned a little bit of trust for me.

-----

My peaceful sleep was interrupted when something heavy laid on my feed and I couldn't turn like I wanted. Slowly opening my eyes, I could see one of Eris dogs lying on my feet. Slowly my arm reached out to his head and petted the black dog. "Hello little one." The dog stretched himself and walked over the cover too the top of the bed. He put himself down, so that his head was lying on my pillow. "I definitely need to ask Eris how you all named." and I definitely need to ask him how I ended up in his bed. Because the last thing I could remember was sitting on the sofa in front of the fire.

Especially because I am not even remembering the last time, I fall this easily into the dreamland. My feet met the cold floor and walked over to the small closet in the room.

When he thinks I will spend the whole week in this dress he can start wearing it for himself. I stole myself a sweater and a pair of comfortable trousers that I need to fold a couple of times so I wasn't walking on the fabric.

Now with the sun and and a lot more sleep than last evening I started to look a little bit more how this cabinet was looking. Most parts were made out of wood and it was looking warm and comfortable. When I walked into the living room, I could make out three bookshelves.

Every single one of them was full filled with books even some of them in two rows. It must be fantastic to read them it was like a small big Privat library that stayed comfy because of the rest of the atmosphere of the cabinet itself. My knew black friend walked past me too his siblings who were lying on the carpet in front of the fire place.

And then I saw it a bit of red hair was visible on the sofa and when I walked around it, I could see Eris who was peacefully asleep. How could he look so cute I was sure I looked like a witch and he was looking like a small boy who has been falling asleep on couch surrounded by his fluffy friends.

He looked so calm that I decided to let him sleep a little longer and walked into the kitchen. I found some fruits and something to cook so the breakfast was clear. I started to toss the ingredients into a bowl.

The fruit salad was easy made but now I stood in front of this stupid stove and didn’t have an idea how to turn that stupid thing on. It wasn’t like I didn’t know how to turn this on I learned that early in my human life but in this kitchen was nothing to help me to start a fire.

"May I help you little fox." Shocked I turned around and saw Eris standing in the door. His red hair was standing in every direction and his smile warmed something in me. I tried to push that new feeling down. Behind me I started to hear the familiar sound of burning wood.

When I saw the wood burning in the stove, I started to made the pancakes I wanted to do. Who needs something to start the fire when you can manipulate the flames. "So, what do we eat this morning little fox?" I smirked and turned around and looked up and down my kidnapper.

"I will eat pancakes with some fruits. What you will eat I don't know but when I feel like it, I could think about and perhaps share with you." "And what do I need to do? That I can get something of my ingredients for breakfast?"

Slowly he came into my direction until he was so close that I could well the warmth that he radiated from his body. I needed a moment to find my voice again before I answered "That may be your ingredients fire boy but I am the one who is working with it so you will go and set a table outside on the porch and when I like it you get a little taste."

"All what you wish for my little fox." He leant further into me and kissed my cheek. Stunned I watched him leaf with the dishes on his arms. What the hell was that, the spot where his lips touched me felt like it was sparkling.

Okay calm down Y/N you must keep your head clear you may want to give him a chance but don't fall blind and head first into a trap. You are a hunter don't let yourself fool by another hunter.

I made one pancake after another until I had a little tower of these fluffy pastry. I took the plate and walked outside onto the porch. Eris was already sitting at the table and watched his dogs playing on the gras.

That was the second time in one hour that I could see a calm Eris. His dogs recognise me faster than their owner and run to me. Each one laid down in front of my feed looked up to me with big puppy eyes.

"Oh no I don’t think that pancakes are standing on your menu." "And don’t even try to look like your all are starving you’ve got your breakfast already."

I put the pancakes on the table. "Are you sure?" "These eyes are telling me a different story. I’m sure that when they could talk, they would say there are never getting peds or even food." "Oh, I am sure about that." Eris smiled and stole himself a pancake.

We started eating in peace. It was wonderful I don’t know when the last time was that I didn’t need to watch out how I was acting and keeping my mask up. When I was honest Eris made it easy, he took my talking and didn’t seem to pity me all the time.

"Did you read all of the books that are inside?" I started a conversation. "I took you from the night court into the woods of autumn and that is the first question you ask?"

"Yes, that is my question." "You are fascinating little fox." he smiled. "Says the one who brings me here. In this forest to a small cabinet that seems like nobody knows of because" I pointed to the dogs and the cabinets. "Way to personal as if someone you don’t trust are would know of."

"You are clever little fox and right. Nobody knows of this cabin, especially not my father and my dogs are staying most of the time here. It is better for them so I know that they are save. And yes, I read all of the books and some of them twice." My small black friend came back to me and laid his head into my lab.

"That brings me back to my question why am I here and not in your fathers castle. Why do you lay so much trust in one person you didn’t even know really. I am the sister of the High lady of the night court." "And you are Y/N the person that made her own decisions about people and doesn’t always listen to what people say to you. You decide on your own who you trust and who not."

It was true but why does he know that already Nesta didn’t even notice that until now. She just thinks I am too stubborn to listen to her and Freya thinks that I give to many people a chance that doesn’t deserve one in her eyes, but there are always two sides of the story. It just depends on who his telling you the story."

"Alright than so when you trust me and even when it is partly, we can go on further in our proof of trust game." He nodded "Let’s hear maybe I will answer." he leant further over and laid his arms down on the now empty table. "What are the names of your dogs." For a moment he starred at me with big eyes and an opened mouth before he falls back into his chair and started laughing. A true and honest laugh and I couldn’t denie it, it was beautiful.

"Let’s start with the first one that little trouble maker there in your lab is Viggo." The next two days where the most relaxing ones that I had in month. We have eaten and cooked together walked through the woods, played with the dogs, read books and talked.

But something was different this morning when I walked out of Eris bedroom. He was staring into the fire that was burning in the fireplace. His whole body seemed tense and the dogs were nearby him.

"Eris are you alright?" he shook his head but didn’t even turn. I walked around the sofa and sit down next to him, "What happened Eris?" I laid my hand on his face so that he needed to look at me. "What is it?" He laid his hand over mine and hold on to it. "My father knows that are you already in autumn he wants to see you, us. We must your last days with him. With my father in his castle."

Oh no please not. This can’t be. I know that he fears his father and that doesn’t mean anything good for me. Fear creep up my body I couldn’t stop it I could fell how even my hand started shanking in the one of Eris.

He noticed to and in the next moment Eris hugged me. I laid my head onto his chest and listen to his heartbeat. The steady rhythm calmed and, in his arms, I felt protected and save. He laid down his chin on my head and his hand started to go up and down my spine in a calming motion. "I am sorry little fox. I thought I could protect you longer from him, but trust me I will do anything to keep you save from him. He will not get the chance to harm you. Only over my dead body."

Tags:

@judig92 ; @issybee0611 ; @percyjacksonspeen ; @positivewitch

[hawkefaery]

An overlook details that breaks me; Valyn's grief

you know what little and overlooked detail in Blood and Ash breaks my heart every single time I remember it? Valyn's thought process when it came to Malik.

So first there is hope. Hope that something could be done and that their son would come back to them. Valyn alongside Eloana tried to find a way to retrieve Malik after Casteel’s arrival so they did call the Elders according to Casteel, but apparently they were left without answers because nothing was done. As a matter of fact, JLA herself once said that it was not that Valyn or Eloana abandoned their boys to Isbeth, it actually pained them but they couldn’t risk the entire kingdom of Atlantia, they just couldn’t do anything.

Then there is sorrow and grief. After years past Valyn gave up the idea that his son, his first born child would. come back to him. Casteel still kept his hopes and it seem that Eloana, even if lower than Casteel, she also kept hope but Valyn faced that he son was long gone. So he buried his son, or at least the son he know and loved, even though he did not have a body to mourn and say goodbye.

Then comes the anger alongside the pain that never left him. He needed to make those who have hurt his boy pay.

Then it comes…the relief I assume to know that his sone is alive, the pain because now he know they have in fact broke him and the heartbreaker to hear of what his son has done. Yet, the worse part is that now he was getting mentally ready to kill the son he spent centuries loving and then other decades mourning because he know that if Malik was now even capable of hurting his little brother, the same one he gave up his life for, then that was no longer his son. I truly believe Valyn wanted to bring honor to the Malik he knew, the kind fun prince that would never do an actual alliance with the blood queen, so that is why he was ready to kill Malik. Besides, I also believe it wanted to be him to kill him so he could do it without pain, also also to see his son one last time and say goodbye

Then when Valyn finally is in the same room as his son after centuries, Malik cannot even look at him in the eyes. Valyn carries the shame, the guilt and the pain for what was done to his son and how in someway he was part of it. But he still loves them more than anything so he waits until Malik is ready to be hugged just like Cas was.

On the whole, both Valyn and Eloana are in pain for their sons. They even wince when Malik is named, they stopped going places because it reminded them of Malik or Valyn, who always hides his emotions, Can’t help the agony he feels at the mention of Malik and Poppy often feels it. But I think that the rollercoaster of pure pain that Valyn went through is just sad, he loves his son and he suffers because of that.

[sammerific]

@lovesamsfishhat here are some fic recs! I'm relatively new to this fandom so you might have seen these before lol. If you're looking for more fics here are some other rec lists too: my other rec list / acesammy's list / godtrials’ masterlist And just in general, @godtrials and @suncaptor have a lot of fics in their fic rec tag :))

My favorite ones:

The Space Around Him by rainylemons (30k) - Sam went blind after an infection, so he and Dean retire from hunting, and he gets a pet birdie named Phil :)) Head Space by ameliacareful (16k) - A witch curses Sam leaving him blind, deaf, and bedridden. Left with only the inside of his own head and the occasional touch, Sam begins to unravel. The Way Back by rainylemons (36k) - post-Swan Song fic where Cas is left human and works at Taco Bell, living in an apartment with Dean and Sam. Dean is recovering from wounds, Sam is recovering from the Cage, and Cas is trying to figure out how to be human and how to financially support everyone. Heal by foolscapper (2k) - Outsider POV, Curtain fic, tw for domestic abuse mentions The Calendar Verse by foolscapper (9k) - One time per month, every month on Earth, Sam visits Dean for a day from the Cage. tw for implied rape just a trim by The_sluttiest_ace_on_the_block (484) - Chuck hits Sam right where it hurts: in his luscious locks of flowing brown hair.

Preseries:

You & I by howldax (3k)- Dean wakes up alone in the car without Sam or John, tw for graphic death and suicidal thoughts From me to you by EternalSheWolf (5k) - Snapshots of the brothers from childhood to adulthood Nightmares and Names by authoressnebula (2k) - Dean's tired of Sam bugging him at night with his nightmares, but when he gets what he wants, he's not so sure anymore. Beneath the Trees, Where Nobody Sees by Lise (2k)- Hunting wears you down. John gives the ultimatum. Sam makes a different choice. Devil's in the House by glorious_spoon (3k) - In which Sam hustles pool to pay for his textbooks, and an unexpected opponent turns up. Pre-series, outside POV.

Season 5 angst:

more than the world by spnworks777 (4k) - Sam seriously burns himself to keep Lucifer from possessing him, warning for major character death Sharp as the Devil Himself by sarahjeanne21 (4k) - The hunting world has gotten wind of Sam's part in raising Lucifer. They also know Dean and him split up. They would like some retribution for the end of the world. (Sam develops an unhealthy relationship with death.) warning for graphic depictions of violence Even After Everything by spnworks777 (1k) - Dean gets upset when he overhears hunters talking badly about Sam Your Silence by spnworks777 (3k) - Sam hasn't talked since they reunited, and Dean's getting frustrated and worried. The reason why leaves him horrified and angry. Set 'The End'. Dying Wish by Anonymous (14k) - His dying wish was to see his brother one last time. But maybe it was just too much to ask for. A Gift For Demeter by Lennelle (8k) - Very sweet and sad Endverse fic where Sam survives after Lucifer possesses him and tries to grow a garden We As Human by inkandpaperqwerty (42k) - Sam has struggled with depression his whole life, and starting the Apocalypse makes it even worse, tw for suicide attempts and self harm On the Inverted Undoing of a Boy King by sarahjeanne21 (5k) - In which Sam snaps while Dean is busy not having fun at a crappy dive bar. Dean listens to Sam's breakdown with a stomach full of rotten whisky and 1600 miles in between them. tw for suicide

More Sam angst:

Ellie's Giant by cordelia_gray (1k) - A mute giant with sad eyes lives at the end of Ellie's street. Ticks Like a Time Bomb by faequeentitania - Sam grew up with Dean's heavy breath as a lullaby. Every night, steady as clockwork. There are few things in the world that could frighten him the way the quiet from Dean's bed can. Coda for S01E12, "Faith." The Circle by Lennelle (1k) - Sam attends a support group in season 11, tw for past rape body of proof by Askance (7k) - There are things Sam hasn't told his brother. They're all in the envelope laid on Dean's pillow, tw for sexual violence, past rape, and abuse The Worst Kind of Freedom (8k) - Sam is suicidal post-episode Southern Comfort in season 8, tw for suicide attempt and cutting

Sam and Jack fics:

Ghosts by spnworks777 (1k) - Sam sees him in Jack sometimes. He doesn't mean to. He doesn't want to. He knows better. Set towards the ending of 13x06, Tombstone. tw for past abuse salt and box by themegalosaurus (418) - We have to put the kid in the box, Dean says. tw for abuse A Memory of My Family by mess_your_pretty_hair (128) - My brother is god. (Dean Jr. POV)

[eclectics-world]

Other World, Other Person

Part 8 of the "Gabriel Returns" series

Summary: The reader finds out what happened in the other world.

Pairing: Past Gabriel × Reader; eventual Gabriel × Reader again

Word count: 931

Genre: Angst

Warnings: Alcohol mentions; what could be considered parasuicidal ideation from one of the characters; serious injury to one of the characters that they've already survived

You found everyone in the library. "So, boys. Time to talk shop." You sat, taking the drink Dean offered you. "That sounded like quite the fight that Abbie and I walked in on."

"I'm sorry, Y/n. We didn't mean to get into it in front of the kid --"

You held up your hand, cutting off Dean's apology. "I don't love that you did that, but she didn't get scared by it. Besides, if you want to apologize to someone, it's not me who needs it." Dean nodded.

Dean and Sam looked guilty, while Cas looked sad and Gabriel looked... uncertain, you decided. Like he wasn't sure what to do next. It wasn't really a face he wore often.

"Who died?" It was the best guess you could make.

"Nobody, exactly." Well. That made a lot of sense.

"Well, thanks for clearing that up for me, Dean."

"I think what he's trying to say is it was only sheer, dumb luck that they didn't get me killed." You looked at Gabriel. You heard Castiel sigh, and saw both the Winchester brothers avoid anyone's eyes. What the hell had happened in the other world?

"How close?" You weren't sure why that was the question you asked. Nobody looked you in the eyes -- they all seemed reluctant to answer.

"About a second and a half." A second and a half. It took more than a second a half to say that -- Gabriel had been that close to death?

"Are you hurt?" Gabriel frowned. Something was off here -- what you had asked wasn't a difficult question, but nobody at the table seemed quite sure of how to answer it. "What happened?"

"We fell behind." Sam was picking up the story now. "Dean and I, we fell behind. And Gabriel -- Gabriel got us through the opening to get back home. He held off Michael for us. And the opening, uh. The opening closed behind us." There were a thousand thoughts spinning through your mind. They left Gabriel alone, stranded in the other world? How did he get back? He was back -- sitting at the same table as you, looking at you -- so why was everyone acting like something was still wrong?

"There's more. What else am I still missing?" When nobody answered you immediately, you asked your next question. "Gabriel, how did you get back?"

"I used up what was left of my grace. All of it." You heard the harshness in his tone. You knew why it was there, what it meant for an angel to lose their grace.

"You're human." He nodded. You nodded back, processing what that meant. You'd known he was low on grace, that Asmodeus had been draining him of grace for years, but you hadn't realized that he was low enough on grace to be in danger of running completely out. You didn't know what Gabriel would want as a human -- you'd barely known what he'd wanted, really wanted, as an archangel. "So, what's next?"

Silence. He probably didn't know, you realized. "Well, considering I didn't have the luck to get killed --"

You meant to keep calm and collected, whatever had happened. But with that statement, you started crying. "The luck? The luck!? You -- you left me, alone, for years for reasons I still don't really understand, or even know about for that matter; you let me think you were dead, and then -- what? You show back up, I show back up, I come back for you, and you, what, want to get yourself killed, is that it?" You saw, from the corner of your eye, Sam gesture to Dean and Cas that this was probably their cue to leave.

"It wasn't just Kali I was trying to protect. I didn't want my brothers to know about you, to know what you meant -- what you mean -- to me. I figured if I went into hiding that I could find a way to take my brothers down. Something they wouldn't see coming. That just didn't exactly go according to plan."

You nodded. That had always been a point of contention between you and Gabriel: his desire to protect you, and your desire to have independence. "I really am sorry for what you went through, Gabriel. I -- I know it wasn't easy. That you went through -- through things you didn't deserve." You swallowed. "But it was hard without you. Having Abbie around and -- and not you. And now you're back and -- and -- Gabe, I don't want to lose you again. I can't lose you again. I know that you don't know what to do next, but --" You didn't have the confidence to finish the sentence.

"I can't go with you." Apparently he knew how that sentence was going to end anyways. "Y/n, I -- I don't have anything. I don't have a job, or an education, I don't even have a legal name." He was rarely so serious: only when he had his mind made up.

"Come with me." You didn't know why you had the confidence to say it now. "Do you think I don't know? I know you don't have anything. But you're going to have to work that out somewhere, so work it out with me."

Gabriel shook his head. "What could a runaway with nothing offer?"

You sighed. It had been a long day, and it was wearing on you. Gabriel seemed to have his mind made up, and you didn't know how to feel about that. You needed some time to yourself. "I'm going to bed. Good night, Gabriel."

[rothjuje]

Nap trapped at Costco. I have never seen so many white men in my life. It was the same last time I was nap trapped here as well.

In TX the only time I saw a bunch of white guys was at Kroger. I typically shopped at Target, and I don’t think there were very many men there in general. Here there are so many men that do errands, why is that? I’m guessing there are less stay at home moms here, more people out working to be able to afford to survive.

Also in TX I saw so many teenage girls. Part of it was Target, but I saw them socializing randomly as well. I don’t recall seeing any teenage boys outside of Whataburger. Here it’s like teenage girls don’t exist. Maybe it’s because the Target scene here is quite sad. Do they have malls here? Maybe that’s where they are (we didn’t have a real mall in my small town in TX). But teenage boys? They’re everywhere. I haven’t seen this many white teenage boys since I was a teenager.

Mainly I just can’t get over the volume of white people. Reminds me of coastal CA. TX was definitely more diverse.

I’m obsessed with all differences here. Anyway.

Justin found the tv mount!! He’s gonna sit with George tonight so I can paint and the tv will go up tomorrow. Woohoo! Progress.

Leg is almost healed minus the center of the wound. Clindamycin was no joke. I actually had to discontinue it early because I was having so many side effects. On Saturday I was having pretty significant wrist pain. On Sunday my wrists, shoulders, hips, knees, and ankles felt like glass, it was excruciatingly painful to walk. I couldn’t lift the kids up, I couldn’t even unlatch the baby gates. By evening the extreme joint pain had subsided but my muscles were so sore I slept for 12 hours straight before I could move normally again. Ready for this nightmare to be over.

Also, I’m kind of freaked out about it. So the original wound was in the center of my shin. But a couple days after that flared up, the same thing happened on my toe. Both wounds were red and swollen and gross (now scabby and peely and gross). Anyway. I had never heard of cellulitis in anyone under age 60. But everyone I have talked to here gets it themselves or their kids do. Um. That’s unnerving. Just another thing to be anxious about I guess. Sigh.

House is almost all unpacked now (minus dining room). Between that, two lights upstairs, some paint, some baby gates, and a handrail things are feeling pretty functional. And good. Justin and I got burgers and beer last night and it was so chill and nice. Still not sure if the move was worth it or not though. Just the stress. And sleep deprivation. And cellulitis. It’s been a lot and I’m actually proud that we kept it together as well as we did.

Over dinner Justin brought up that he always assumed we’d have another kid or two. Then mentioned that he doesn’t think we should now, given George’s needs. I think George will be George and whoever he grows up to be will be amazing. I’m more concerned about my body being able to handle another pregnancy (trauma from vein issues and severe preeclampsia). I’ve thought about donating our embryos to science but am not making any permanent decisions until the twins are 5. It’s romantic to think about donating our embryos so another can add to their family, but I also don’t know if it it’s right. I don’t want our embryos to go through any kind of adoption-related trauma because I wanted to give them life. Honestly the embryo dilemma haunts me and is usually what I end up thinking about when I can’t sleep.

Anyway. I mentioned foster care and he said he didn’t like how we went about it (only taking legal risk and legally freed sibling sets). He’d want to go about it more organically, only taking placements with the goal of reunification, and if it turned into something more it turned into something more. Which I think is a healthier mindset anyway.

We shall see. No decisions being made, just things I obsess over on a regular basis.

[moodindigov]

hey guys nerd moment about the title of the fic (this is long im sorry)

mood indigo was actually a jazz song released in the 1930’s by duke ellington, barney bigard with lyrics by irving mills, except bigard said that its real credit is derived from his clarinet teacher, Lorenzo Tio’s, melodies. so that clarinet part like biagrd’s solo? yea that was Lorenzo tio’s melodies that weren’t full developed and when bigard did finish them and show them so ellington, he liked it and it was included. and like its almost impossible to tell where ellington’s collaborators part begin bcs apparently he’s js that good at blending that stuff idk (dont take that last part as a fact thats purely from what i remember.) anyways, mood indigo is about a little boy and little girl who are eight. girl loves boy and while they never acknowledge the feelings, the girl waits at her window bcs the boy visits her. and the song basically describes the feeling the girl had when the boy didnt visit her. so you may be asking, duct why would u choose something like that as a title for a book about the slump in london 1930s and about criminal organizations? well, dear anon, here u r:

1. literal (?) meaning; im gonna be so honest with you i purely got this idea from brendan and neksa / jess and morgan. i couldnt stop thinking about that wonderful art i found of brendan and neksa it was of neksa as a raven or crow i dont rmb but point is that its gorgeous and stunning i love it. the idea that brendan denies his feelings of love for her purely because he half doesn’t want to acknowledge that he’s become so attached to a person in such an intimate way and half because he just cant risk his father (or anyone) finding out that he’s gone and practically betrayed his dad’s whole like symbolism in tje trading world (remember they don’t like the library. yk how contradicting it would be to have one of the biggest illegal book trader’s son dating someone from the library, especially someone who works in like the same facility as the archivist? yea its damnable like no ones gonna trust ca. brightwells or his business anymore.) anyways the literal meaning: girl is sad bcs boy didn’t visit/come back to her. brendan literally left neksa (the woman he was oh so deeply in love with) because he didn’t want to hurt her and played it off as the fact that he didn’t love her. and when jess comes back as brendan (lmaoo) i feel like you can imagine the smallest sliver of hope she had that they can be something again but its practically disappeared next to the pure anger and grief in her heart. and when neksa dies, brendan can’t visit her anymore. its literally not possible. (until he died then maybe they could be happy tgt). this is so many words words words guys i promise im not actually this much of a nerd on a daily basis this is just interesting to me. anyways, once again, girl is sad bcs boy didn’t visit her one day. umm we can go back and look into jess’ past: boy is eternally sad bcs his brother died. aka: boy is sad bcs his brother can’t visit him. like ever. sad sad sad moments💔💔

2. this is like an actual stretch but um i consider it okay so basically girl being sad is jess boy who didnt visit (or wont anymore) is a semblance of love or sanctuary. throughout the series its obvious that jess just doesn’t trust his family. im pretty sure he even says it like he does not trust them. but hey, maybe he did once. maybe he did when he was a little boy who had an older brother who he could rely on—one that taught him how to walk and that taught him the basics. someone who he could go to for advice and who could help him keep his head above water. now we don’t have a characterization, but i’m going off of @thegreatlibraryfangirl’s advice and kinda semi-making my own..so um sorry if u dont like that guys..but anyways i feel like the moment jess starts to really rely and trust the other’s is the moment that melancholy feeling, that mood indigo, goes away. it doesnt go away completely, theres always gonna be a solid chunk never satisfied but thats okay because he has people he can trust with his life that will help him get through it. not only this but the bond that jess and dario (will) share in this au represents that. they’re both young—maybe 13 max but they both lack one thing that only they can give esch other; sanctuary.

[mlobsters]

supernatural s13e14 good intentions (w. meredith glynn)

well that was a little bit of the old spn spark for a second there, with the hallucination/vision/whatever hot!zachariah was giving jack. very sweet and sad. something about the sound design and the dialogue.. of the offscreen voices of sam and dean, it had sort of a... theater feel to it? (watching with headphones and maybe a little bit high so, grain of salt) plus just the very... childlike wish fulfillment of kiddo with absent parents.

DEAN You know what? We made it, though. You, me and the kid. Finally under one roof. SAM And you know what, honestly, it doesn’t matter where he’s been. I’m just glad Jack’s back. DEAN Right, home safe. Where he belongs.

like 💔 i didn't realize they really went with this nuclear family thing straight out

also when the fake fire is happening sam and dean sound about as distressed (maybe more?) as you'll ever hear them in this show and that was distressing even knowing it couldn't be real

ZACHARIAH Yes. And not just a single one-way ticket like the prophet’s spell. This boy, he can open a rift big enough to march an army through. He has so much power. We just… have to make him use it. MICHAEL Then make him.

ok but like. why doesn't michael make his own army of nephilim? he's an archangel still right? what am i missing

i'm sorry donatello but all i can think is

the zachariah!cas sending the images of destroying the environment and wars etc to jack for proof of why humans are bad, reminds me of the fifth element?? i think? leeloo discovering all the bad parts of humanity? and then i think only will save the world? by the power of human love from bruce willis??? lol i've seen that movie a ton but it's been a long ass time

captions staying on for this screenshot 😂

this random fight scene with these random figures from the bible. and donatello being twitchy and obvious as fuck that he's clearly up to something. demon tablet not to be ingested while soulless and under asmodeus's influence?

donatello choking out dean from a distance and laughing like a loon, all righty

so now mary gets the catharsis of hearing from an unbiased source that her demon deal is what ultimately saved the world

bro. there's some bizarro music going on during this fight over donatello being soulless what is HAPPENING. jay gruska, is that you? (of course it is). ugh, if only i wasn't committed to keeping that earlier video clip 😞 (fine it's so goofy i'm adding an mp3 of it) it's tonally a mismatch to the vibe onscreen and is just super random. the horns that come in... lol. anyway.

but we're escalating up to cas whatever, trying to torture it out of him?

SAM Our plan, Dean. The spell, get mom back. Donatello’s soul is gone. That’s not just something you come back from. DEAN You did. SAM Yeah, because you convinced Death to get my soul back from the cage, but Amara ate Donatello’s soul. There’s nothing to get back. It’s gone. CASTIEL And Donatello’s already corrupted. I… perhaps the kindest thing to do would be to end his suffering. SAM What? CASTIEL I don’t like it either. But if Donatello’s life ends, then another prophet comes into being and they can finish the translation. DEAN So what, you just wanna kill him? SAM No! No killing! We just need the spell.

interesting how frantic padalecki is going with this. terrified the Plan is being wrecked yet again

CASTIEL I am going to do something that I promised I would never do to a human being without their permission. I’m gonna strip the spell from your mind. DONATELLO You—you—you—you can’t. I—I’ve absorbed too much power. Y-y-you’ll fry us both! CASTIEL I might. DONATELLO Ardeat intus— CASTIEL I’m sorry, but I’m not going to let you or anyone hurt the people I love. Not again.

well then. cas saving them from the moral quandary again. like killing billie for them

i don't even know what to say about this apocalypse world business with bobby, mary and jack. jack's just. poppin angels, ready to throw down with michael

SAM Well… guess you could say Donatello is alive. CASTIEL You told me not to kill him. DEAN Yeah, but, Cas, you turned him into… he’s brain dead. Machines keeping him breathing. What’s wrong with you? CASTIEL Nothing. SAM Cas— CASTIEL His soul was gone. He was corrupted. He was a danger to himself and to you and to all of humanity. Did you know that he was working with Asmodeus? SAM What? No. CASTIEL Not by choice, but he was. Some people just can’t be saved. DEAN Yeah, but who gets to make that choice? You? What exactly gives you the right? CASTIEL Nothing. I took it. And if I hadn’t acted, we would still be sitting around and talking about what to do next. We would be wasting time. And it’s time we don’t have, Dean. I told you, war is coming. War. And I did what soldiers do. Now we needed the spell to open the rift, and I got it. We need four major ingredients: the grace of an archangel… a fruit from the Tree of Life… the Seal of Solomon… and the blood of “a most holy man.” We find those things, we can bring everybody home. And together, we can beat Lucifer and Michael. This is the only way we win, and this is the only way we survive. It’s like you said, Dean. Whatever it takes.

i mean, surely sam and dean have made these kinds of decisions time and time again. especially when the "whatever it takes" is saving each other. but now cas can take the responsibility/blame for doing the ends justify the means thing

[filterpermanentlyattached]

...And the Fangs of Death

I did not even remember that this episode was second!!! Whew, what a way to start a season, here we go!

First of all, Flynn wearing his pajamas and robe in the Library just gives credence to the whole ‘they live there’ bit. Guardian to Guardian bonding is priceless. 

Ezekiel eating once again. Boy knows what’s important. Jenkins looking for backup in the wrong place, as he said, he’s there to watch the show. Then Jenkins getting upset they don’t all know the importance of Charlene, whom let’s be honest, they don’t know well at all. Ezekiel eating pizza like nothing bother him and he’s just enjoying what’s happening. Then he gets told everyone is going. 

The fact that the charm of “we’re the Librarians” works for Flynn has Ezekiel baffled and Jake frustrated. So cute boys, you’ll get there, he does have 10 years of Library experience on you. The thief is over and looking through logs with Flynn, and he keeps looking taking it all in, studying their options to see what’s happening. And again, Flynn takes Ezekiel with him. I know he needs him, but it seems like he’s letting his concern for Charlene outweigh his dislike for him, for a time anyway. 

Staying back in the ‘he remembers’ lane, Ezekiel will have to deal with all his trauma at some point. He did great yelling to keep the others going, but it still is very similar to running from the rage people. 

Back on track, he hacked through that footage pretty well and I’d really like someone to tell him good job at some point. Flynn being aggressive to Ezekiel because he didn’t get what he wanted, man leave the kid (realizing I’m only 8 years older than him, I still shall call him kid on occasion) alone, he is doing his best under pressure. And Ezekiel didn’t waste any time following Flynn when he just took off. I am so stressed as they run. Flynn pausing on the walkway to explain what he thinks will help, bro get across then explain. “I’ve spent my life on catwalks, I’ve got this. Go!” and he had the same look on his face that he did when he told the others there was a weapons cache, before locking them in a room. Also we need a backstory on spending his life on catwalks. A guy falling off the side, that was painful for him. Then he couldn’t even get back fast enough and no one even went to look for him. No one was there to pull him back. 

They may be “safe” in the infirmary but none of them looked back to see if they were all okay because Flynn was yelling. Ezekiel clearly looked like he was in pain. Then when Jake does look back, as Flynn finds the pendant, he doesn’t take in their youngest, he just shares a bit of a sad/concerned look. Boy was staying behind everyone to avoid suspicion. I’m worried about Charlene as much as the next person, I loved the original Librarian movies, but come on! Why did it take them sooooo long to notice Ezekiel’s injury?!?! Good grief, I know he hides it well and keeps himself calm and turns so that he doesn’t show anyone his arm, but they are supposed to be super observant. 

Wait, Jenkins never lies...just like Ezekiel...I could see our boy eventually being something like the caretaker. That’s just gonna float around in my mind now...

Ugh, Jake finally notices Ezekiel’s been bitten and Flynn doesn’t even look over right away. Too lost in his own thoughts. Until Jake has him sit down and the bite/blood are uncovered. Oh Flynn, feeling like giving up when he thinks he lost Charlene, you still have people in there my guy. 

I just love when my 2 favorite boys work together. Ezekiel comes up with a plan to distract, Flynn eventually perks up, the smelling him is a little excessive and reminds me of the Fables of Doom, but Ezekiel’s face was confused enough to make me chuckle. “Guys, I think we have a plan.” They are a good team and I love that Flynn finally gets the chance to see it up close and be a part of it. 

Okay, Flynn reaching out to touch Ezekiel’s shoulder, like he’s suddenly realizing this young man is going to go into a very dangerous situation and he can’t help, stings. “I could be wrong...” “At least then I’ll die happy, knowing you were finally wrong about something” (insert crying face) Flynn even looked like he was about to cry. Reality came crashing down on him. 

I love that Ezekiel is not even a little bit bothered by Anubis, just says woof and then moves around him. This kid deserves a raise!!! I don’t know what he gets paid, but it’s not enough. He will definitely need help soon though, he was struggling to turn the steam on in the first place. It’s pretty great that the other 2 finally come out of their safe room to help. Jenkins getting defensive and protective of his youngest, just perfect. I’m a little annoyed that none of the rest of them try to go over to him to see if he’s okay when it’s done though. 

The ball thing was a little silly and I can’t help but feel like, sure it might have been part of the werewolf thing fading but not gone, but I think he also may have just been playing with them. It made Jake happy, and I think that is usually his goal.

As much as I like the Flynn/Eve pairing, I do feel like she deserves better. She puts up with a lot from him. “We almost lost Ezekiel” man if that doesn’t tear at your heartstrings as either Dad Flynn almost lost his reluctant son, or just a team member who was valued and important. It’s nice for it to be acknowledged, but I also think that someone telling him how much he means, will go a long way. The others all know they deserve to be there, but the last we heard Ezekiel talk about it, he’s just there to steal stuff and is completely expendable. I need one of them to talk to him, and listen to him, at least once. 

[vegaseatsass]

for the ask game!! 20, 21, 22

These are such good ones! Thank you, anon! 20. part of canon you found tedious or boring & 22. your favorite part of canon that everyone else ignores I'm going to do these two together, because when I looked deep within for the answer to 20 (since at this point I am pretty sincerely engaged by every single little moment in KPTS ahaha), I realized that there were the parts of canon I found a bit tedious to get through in my first viewing, that I'm always overeager when I'm showing the series to someone new for them to get through so they get to what I think are the emotional hooks of the story and keep watching, but many of those parts are now the answer to 22? Like every part of Porsche defiantly sucking at his job in episode 2: hard/cringy to watch on the first viewing, but on second glance I'm so proud of him for resisting the situation he was put in every way he knew how. He can't quit, quietly or otherwise, but he CAN suck!! Lol. We see in the bar and the boxing ring that Porsche puts his all into his work and is amazing at it, so it's a bit heartwrenching to me, how being punished and shelved and told he's the worst of the lot is such effective conditioning to get him to start willingly working hard at this role he was coerced into. It's fun to watch bodyguard Porsche be all bamf and hypercompetent later, but it is a loss of agency and there is a tragedy in it, so yeah, I love the freedom and whimsy of episode 2 now and hold it so close to my heart. (I also savor the amount of Tankhun we get in episodes 2 & 3!) Similarly, I, like just about everyone else ever, found the Tawan episodes a bit draggy compared to how enthralled I was in episodes 4-8 and 11-13, but after poring over weird little guy Tawan in my head, and reading meta about him (how he was the woman in the tower and a picture of where Porsche could have ended up, and still might), I'm obsessed with both him and those episodes, and think fandom should talk about both 400% more than it does. I mean, EYE should talk about him 400% more than I do, whenever I forget about Tawan in a ship poll or whatever I give myself the stinkeye but yeah, there is so much to mine in those episodes (Vegas doesn't seduce with whips and chains he seduces with smol sad boy eyes and MARRIAGE PROPOSALS; Arm showing his love by helping you surveil your boyfriend who is his boss?), let's ignore them less, fandom!

To try to give an honest answer about what I find boring in canon now, I will say that I thrilled over all the late canon Kinn/Porsche domestic bliss on my first viewing, and I still love the tonal dissonance of how sweet and happy they seem before the narrative reveals that Porsche's being there is even more coerced than he thought, and Kinn knew that, and now here are 5 other fucked up reveals that they're both going to look away from so they can be together - but bread placement aside, a lot of those later scenes don't really tickle my brain on rewatch. I'm like: GO BACK TO THE FUCKY DRAMA ALREADY!! lol 21. part of canon you think is overhyped See I'm gonna suck at this meme because I don't think that anything is overhyped as in fans talk about something too much when it's not that great, but I will say the early Vegas/Pete interactions (magnum dong condom scene, temple scene) stir almost nothing in me shipwise. I love the stakeout scene for Pete flinging himself at Pol (and on my second viewing, for the realization that Pete is SO competent at so many things but not??? spying??? so why does Kinn keep sending him???), and I love the temple scene for Macau's eagerness to wingman for his brother @ prey animals (and in retrospect, it is fun that they have this "we'll make it through so many near-death experiences together" foreshadowing), but the actual Vegaspete of it all did nothing for me in those moments. It took a while for me to suspend my disbelief when reading fanfic and imagine that there was any chemistry between them before Pete was cackling in the throes of ball torture.

[castielmacleod]

I was reading that post about the 12x23 Crowley conundrum and. It’s not that I necessarily disagree with the actor man on his own character but……. lol I kind of do actually. I feel a bit insane over how he doesn’t seem aware of how. Soft? He actually played Crowley sometimes. I mean Crowley definitely likes winning, but idk you can’t convince me that it’s ALL he cared about, especially toward the end. And I think that the growth of the character from just wanting to win, along with the instances where he actually does care about other things are actually very important?

Like I actually do genuinely believe he cared about Rowena. Not on a personal level, maybe, but on a deep traumatised level where he is still desperate for her affection and approval despite everything. I do think that he felt so incredibly, painfully lonely and unloved that he formed a genuine romantic attachment to Dean that haunted him right up to his suicide. I don’t think he ever actually hated Cas at any point, and past season 8 he is actually an surprisingly reliable ally to Cas whenever Cas needs his help. And I truly believe that Crowley actually did on some level want to better himself, to be different. In 10x23 he says he thought that by doing better and making changes to himself then maybe he’d feel something again. He doses himself with human blood throughout season 9, also presumably to feel something—feel things more deeply, at least, than he’s able to as a demon. And of course 8x23 is where we learn that underpinning all of Crowley’s actions is actually an overwhelming desire to be loved. It’s actually kind of notable that it ISN’T the desire to win that comes up in that scene, because he could have had the same break down, cried about how he deserves to win, he just wants to win. It still would have been kind of sad, at least to me. But instead that scene was about love and it instantly added so much more dimension to him. And I think “ultimately just wants to be loved” is a way more deep and compelling thesis for Crowley than “literally does not care and only wants to win” could ever be.

Mark seems to have a very divided view of where Fergus ends and Crowley begins, and in some ways I agree—Fergus is not Crowley. But I think Crowley is Fergus. To me Crowley is, when it comes down to it, still the 8 year old boy who was abandoned by his mother all those centuries ago. You can literally see that little boy on his face when Rowena is talking to him sometimes. That’s why it’s like… even if Crowley thinks he doesn’t care about Rowena, even if he tries to compartmentalise her as Fergus’ mother, not his—he very much actually does care. Visibly. It’s weird to me that of all the people to not really recognise that, it’s the guy actually standing in front of the camera making it so that Crowley visibly cares. Not just about Rowena, but about Cas, and Dean. All people he can’t get over.

And I mean Crowley’s plotlines definitely started getting worse in his last few seasons. By which I mean just fucking awful and unbelievably stupid. They really did strip him completely of his cleverness and charisma and temper and it is a brutal defanging honestly. It’s hard to believe smug permasmile unblinking sits-in-chairs-backwards blatantly gay “under a frigging spotlight” clean-shaven Crowley is even the same physical person as later seasons Crowley and I don’t mean that in a “wow character development” way but in a “oh they literally just stopped writing him” way. And like I’m a very melancholy person so I actually don’t even hate the whole depressive spiral Crowley ends up in, it breaks my heart in just the right way and it’s part of the reason I am so especially attached to Crowley as it is (like I always loved him but as soon as they started making me THAT fucking sad about him. Whew.) I think his depression is something that could have been meaningful to his character development and actually done well if 1. it hadn’t come at the cost of at LEAST his smarts (and I know very well how depression can wipe the floor with you and hollow you out into a shell of your former self, but they literally could have at least let him keep his bloody wits about him if nothing else) and 2. it had actually been acknowledged by the show that yes, he is depressed, and 3. it had led into a real proper resolution to the redemption arc they literally put him on instead of letting it putter out into nothing by making the Winchesters continuously refuse to give him the time of day despite everything he kept doing and giving up for them. If the writers had kept ACTUALLY writing him then the depression would have felt purposeful and not this anticlimatic wasting away until Crowley just kills himself.

(Furthermore not a single one of his interactions with Lucifer should have happened and I mean not a SINGLE one. Just throw all of that out. At a minimum though if Lucifer were to end up in Crowley’s captivity then he would have hacked the bloody hell out of him like he did to Samandriel and Gadreel and that’s that.)

And…. please forgive me for saying this but I actually. God I’m sorry. I actually agree with removing the “even when I lose I win” line in the canon context of Crowley’s death. If Crowley had been better written in s12 I would have no issues but I cannot stress enough that there was literally no winning for him at any point in that season, and ESPECIALLY in his death. I very strongly read his suicide as due to him being miserable and repeatedly rejected by the people he cares about and I think that spell was a convenient excuse for him to get it over with. If that’s just my take then okay, but that is really how it comes off to me. And I mean the spell doesn’t even work right away—Lucifer still has time to come out through the portal and murder Cas before Mary pushes him back in but he literally could have escaped! (And later does escape, when the Winchesters reopen🫣 the portal 🫣🫣🫣 to rescue Mary). And ultimately it all makes Crowley’s entire sacrifice kind of pointless. I’m sorry to say that when he lost he lost. And I will never not be bitter about it

[bing-bang-bingo]

- 4x3: c. 40:00 Cas comforts Dean after Mary makes a deal w/ Azazel

- 4x7: 15:50 Dean stops Sam from shooting Cas, then Sam mentions that he’s “heard a lot about him”

- 4x7: 39:00 Cas tells Dean he prayed he’d save the town, then he tells him about his doubts and Deans future troubles

- 4x10 & ???: Dean calls “last night on Earth” his best line. He uses this line on Cas

- 4x10: 27:15 “Castiel has this weakness. He likes you.”

- 4x10: 32:50 Cas looking jealous and sad when Dean kisses Anna

- 4x16: 7:30 Cas tells Dean he got in trouble for showing emotion and getting to close to Dean. 8:20 “I would give anything not to have you do this”

- 4x16: 39:00 Cas warns Dean to be careful while Dean is in the hospital, they discuss the first seal and saving Dean from hell

- 4x18: 31:30 Cas tells Dean how to save Sam from Lilith even though he’s not allowed to interfere

- 4x20: 38:00 Deans face when Cas tells him he “learned his lesson when he was in heaven”

- 4x22: 30:40 Cas considers rebelling for Dean. 33:00 He does. 35:20 He fights multiple Archangels for Dean

- 5x1: 5:45 Dean denies Cas’ death 8:25 “I learned that from my friend Cas you son of a bitch”

- 5x1: 31:00 Cas saves Sam and Dean from Zach

- 5x3: 6:10 Cas-“I need your help because your the only one who will help me”

- 5x3: 10:20 Dean fixes Cas’ tie and jacket

- 5x4: 38:50 “Don’t Ever Change”

- 5x8: 38:20 Dean makes Gabriel bring Cas back, then makes sure he’s okay

- 5x13: ?:?? Cas won’t let Dean meet with Anna because it’s not safe

- 5x17: 30:30 Cas and Dean discuss what it’s like to have a deadbeat dad

- 5x18: 25:15 Cas kicks Deans ass for trying to sacrifice himself

- 5x21: 3:50 Cas and Dean bickering like and old married couple then Cas gives Dean a heartfelt apology.

- 6x17: 18:55 “No you’re confusing me with the other angel, the one in the dirty trench coat who is in love with you.”

- 6x17: 38:00 Sam: “So you killed 50,000 people for us?” Cas: *looks at Dean*

- 6x19: 25:20 Bobby reassures Cas that they’ll be back soon, Cas acts like a worried and disappointed wife.

- 6x19: 36:25 Cas yelling “Dean!” when Eve bites him

- 6x19: 40:00 Dean is the only one who doesn’t think Cas is working with Crowley (he’s wrong but it’s sweet)

- 6x20: 4:50 Dean v v worried, “But Cas you’ll call right? If you get into real trouble?”

- 6:30 Crowley implies that Cas is distracted by Dean and tells him he reeks of the Impala.

- 7:20 Cas says that Dean taught him how to care and what to care about. Then Cas saves Sam (for Dean)

- 13:15 Cas says that the worst part of working with Crowley (basically his sworn natural enemy) is that it hurt Dean and that he hated lying to him.

- 25:20 Cas refuses to ask Dean for help because he has “sacrificed too much” even though it means Cas could die.

- 26:00 Crowley tells Cas he has a way for everyone to get a happy ending “with all possible entendres intended” while Cas stares longingly at Dean.

- 33:00 Dean is close to tears when he learns that Cas is working with Crowley, Cas says he did it to protect Dean.

- 35:25 “Dammit Cas we can fix this!” “Dean it’s not broken!” He then tells the boys to run from the demon cloud and Dean gives him the saddest look in the world before being forced to leave him behind.

- 38:00 Cas watches Dean sleep. “I’m doing this for you Dean. I’m doing this because of you!”

- 6x21: 22:40 “I do everything you ask. I always come when you call and I am your friend. Still despite your lack of faith in me and now your threats I’ve just saved you yet again. Has anyone but your closest kin ever done more for you?”

- 6x22: Dean to Cas- “Don’t make me lose you, too.”

- 7x2: 5:35 Dean nearly cries on screen when he thinks Cas is dead

- 7x17: Cas says “I remember ~you~” as soon as he regains his memories.

- 7x17: Cas ask why Dean didn’t tell him all the horrible things Cas did. Parallels the conversation Karen and Dean had about telling Bobby she remembered him killing her and her telling Dean that he had never been on love before.

- 7x21: The face Dean makes when he sees Cas again plus the prolonged eye contact when Cas says Deans name.

- 7x21: Hester telling Dean that when Cas first saved him from Hell he was lost- parallels- Lucifer/Jess saying she was dead the moment she met Sam.

- 7x23: 8:50 “Go ask him. He was your boyfriend first.” Meg to Dean about Cas

- 7x23: 32:45 “I’m sorry but I’d rather have you, cursed or not.”

- 7x23: 36:50 Cas steps in to protect Dean despite spending the whole season avoiding fighting and saying he won’t fight.

- 8x2: 25:00 Cas ran away to keep the Leviathans away from Dean. Dean refuses to leave purgatory without Cas.

- 8x7: 20:30 Deans reaction to seeing Cas all cleaned up.

- 8x7: Dean convinced himself that it was his fault Cas was still in purgatory because he’s a sweet idiot boy who hates himself

- 8x7: 35:00 The whole Dean and Cas conversation about purgatory and Cas doing stuff that puts him in danger.

- 8x8: 12:30 Cas just casually going through Deans stuff and Dean not saying anything.

- 8x8: 13:00 Cas offering to watch over Dean while he slept

- 8x8: 15:15 Dean talks to Cas about feelings and heaven even though Dean hates talking about feelings.

- 8x17: Cas fights Naomi’s mind control for Dean

- 8x23: 22:50 Dean and Cas sadly discuss Cas closing the doors of heaven and say goodbye

- 9x1: Dean prays to Cas and tells him he isn’t mad about the angels falling.

- 9x1: Cas’ first instinct is to explain himself to Dean then to come help him.

- 9x1: Dean begs Cas to “for once, look out for yourself.”

- 9x3: 36:45 Dean to Cas after Cas came back from the dead “Don’t you ever do that again!”

- 9x6: Literally just Dean trying desperately the whole episode to hang out with Cas

- 9x10: 26:00 Dean and Cas talk about how Cas is doing and Dean offers him a rare sincere apology. Plus the “I prefer the term ‘trusting’. Less dumb, less ass.” dialogue

- 9x18: Cas’ little smile when Dean makes a joke about Honor Bars and Cas is just so happy to hear his voice.

- 9x18: Metatron’s illusion of Gabriel calls Cas Dean’s boy-toy

- 9x18: Cas can tell something is wrong with Dean, then Cas yells at Dean about getting the Mark of Cain

- 9x22: Cas chooses Dean over all of Heaven once again

- 9x22: The Cas and Dean conversation about the three of them being enough when an army wasn’t and Cas giving up an army all for Dean

- 9x23: “I’m blaming you for taking Cas’ grace.”

- 10x1: 5:00 Cas about Dean- “I miss him.”

- 10x2: 9:00 Cas’ reaction to learning that Dean is a demon

- 10x3: The conversation between Dean and Cas at the end of the episode. “You look terrible” “You on the other hand, your looking good.”

- 10x5: Deans reaction to Cas and Dean actors hugging and holding hands

- 10x5: “Put as much sub into that text as you possibly can.” *looks directly at fake Cas*

- 10x9: 15:00 Cas tells Dean he’s a good role model. Then asks him if he’s okay and when Dean lies and says he is he pushes it further. Dean makes Cas promise to kill him if he goes Dark

- 10x22: Dean and Cas fight and parallel Cain and his Wife.

- 10x23: Dean sees Cas’ bloody face in the mirror

- 11x1: Cas being more worried about Dean than himself even though Cas is under a spell that will kill him.

- 11x2: Dean calling Cas and stressing out when he doesn’t answer

- 11x3: Dean trying to coax Cas out of the attack dog spell, refusing to fight back when Cas was attacking, freaking out when Cas took a minute to wake up, refusing to let Cas heal him (because he “had it coming”), and refusing to let Cas apologize (because “there’s nothing to apologize for”).

- 11x10: “Dean, I came as soon as you called.” Also: “Stick your tongue out.” Dean-*does*

- 11x11: Dean realizing that something is wrong with Cas (while he is possessed by Lucifer)

- 11x11: Mildred says that Dean is pining for someone else(probably meant to be a reference to Amara, but she told him this after he had seen Cas for the first time in a few days.)

- 11x14: The sadness on Deans face when he realizes Cas is Lucifer and then his determination to save Cas

- 11x15: Dean getting kinda dark when he talks about what he’s willing to do to save Cas and he prioritizes saving Cas over bearing Amara.

- 11x17: Dean once again prioritizing saving Cas over saving the world. Sam reassuring Dean that they’ll save Cas (even though Dean didn’t say anything about what was upsetting him)

- 11x17: The camera zooming in on Dean after Michelle says that there is no normal after losing the man you love.

- 11x18: Dean refuses to put Lucifer in the cage or let him fight Amara while using Cas as his vessel.

- 11x18: The difference in the way Dean looks at Lucifer vs at Cas

- 11x18: Dean about Cas: “Lets go find that idiot and bring him home.”

- 11x19: Dean has been looking for leads non stop for a week since Amara took Cas

- 11x21: Amara uses Cas’s heart to find Dean, then shows Dean images of Cas beaten and bloodied to convince him to turn against Chuck

- 11x23: Dean’s face when he realizes Cas is back and Lucifer is gone.

- 11x23: Dean tells Cas he isn’t stupid and that he always helps

- 11x23: Cas: “Dean are you okay? How do you feel?”

- 11x23: Cas hugging Dean super tight before he goes off to die. Dean entrusting his life’s purpose (look after Sam) then thanking him for everything.

- 12x1: Cas seeing that Dean is alive and hugging him while his voice breaks.

- 12x1: Cas taking the job Dean have him very seriously

- 12x2: Dean adorably venting to Cas about his mommy-issues

- 12x3: Dean- “Morning sunshine want some coffee.” Cas- “No thank you.”

- 12x7: “Well at least I don’t look like a lumberjack.” They are such husbands

- 12x7: “Engaged in what Cas? killing you?”

- 12x8: Cas being so worried about what happened to Sam and DEAN that Kelly escaped.

- 12x9: Mary-“You left them!” Cas- *voice breaking* “Dean told me to go!” Also, just Cas looking so hard for them.

- 12x9: Cas blaming himself for Sam and Dean being taken

- 12x9 Cas knowing how long the boys have been gone down to the hour.

- 12x9: Cas’s voice and eyes when he hears Dean’s voice on the phone.

- 12x9: Cas killing Billie because “You mean too much to me” and “The world needs as many Winchesters as it can get.”

- 12x10: Poor Sam having to deal with Cas and Dean while they fight like an old married couple.

- 12x10: Dean immediately telling Ishim to go to hell when he insults Cas

- 12x10: Sam telling Dean to go to Cas when Dean thought Cas was in trouble

- 12x10: Cas immediately believing Dean about Ishim even though they’re mad at each other. Dean about to let Ishim kill him to save Cas.

- 12x10: Ishim comparing Dean and Cas’s relationship to Ishims relationship with his human lover, then saying he was going to cut Cas’s human weakness

- 12x11: “And Cas is my best friend.”

- 12x12: Dean about Cas- “My shy but devastatingly handsome friend here...”

- 12x12: Dean stressing out and voice breaking as he tries to comfort poisoned Cas

- 12x12: LITERALLY TOLD DEAN THAT HE LOVED HIM WHILE CAS WAS DYING

- 12x12: *looking at Dean* “I love you.” Then adds “I love all of you”

- 12x12: Cas- “Run.” Dean- “Cas, no.”

- 12x12: The look Dean gives Cas when he won’t stop staring at him after he’s healed.

- 12x14: Dean says some very harsh stuff to Mary after finding out the reason they Cas almost died at the lake house was because Mary was working for the British Men of Letters

- 12x15: Dean could tell something was up with Cas after talking to him for less than a minute, over the phone.

- 12x18: Sam trying to make Dean feel better about not hearing from Cas.

- 12x19: Dean literally always acting like a scorned wife when Cas comes back after long periods of time

- 12x19: Dean made Cas a mixtape

- 12x19: Cas- “I ~needed~ to came back here with a win for you.”

- 12x19: Cas- *gesturing between Dean and himself* “You mean... we?” Dean- “Yes, dumbass, we.”

- 12x23: Dean screaming for Cas when he attacks Lucifer and trying to chase after him forcing Sam to drag Dean back through the rift. A direct parallel to Dean pulling Sam away from Jess and the fire in Pilot

- 12x23: Dean kneeling next to Cas’s dead body looking up at the sky completely devastated.

- 13x1: Dean couldn’t bring himself to say dead when referring to Cas

- 13x1: Dean PRAYED to GOD to bring Cas back

- 13x1: “We just lost ~everything~. And now you’re gonna bring ~him~ back.”

- 13x1: Dean personally wrapping Cas’s body and giving him a hunters funeral.

- 13x1: The look of complete devastation on Dean’s face when he burns Cas’s body.

- 13x3: Dean refusing to help save Jack because he blames him for manipulating Cas and getting him killed.

- 13x4: The Empty to Cas: “I know what you love, what you fear. There is nothing for you back there.” He loves Dean and Cas fears that Dean doesn’t love him back.

- 13x5: Sam being worried about Dean who has given up all hope since Cas died.

- 13x5: Dean being so distressed thinking Cas is gone forever that he tries to kill himself

- 13x5: Dean seeing Cas alive again and they both have tears in their eyes.

- 13x6: Dean hugging Cas and saying he’s been gone for “too damn long”

- 13x6: Dean being immediately happier and nicer to everyone once Cas is back

- 13x6: Cas saying “Yes. Yes, he does” (in response to Jack saying Dean really likes cowboys) with the tone of an exhausted spouse.

- 13x6: “I told you, he’s an angry sleeper. Like a bear.”

- 13x6: Dean made Cas watch Tombstone with him.

- 13x6: Dean and Cas dresses like cowboy husbands.

- 13x6: Cas saying “I’m your huckleberry” to Dean in a deep accent and Dean looking away.

- 13x6: Their undercover names are Russel and Kilmer

- 13x14: The whole scene where Cas and Dean fight Gog/Magog and act like an old married couple.

- 13x14: The angry, dark look Cas gives Donatello when he tries to kill Dean

- 13x16: “Dean has him by the thigh!” Cas, jealously: “He ~what~?”

- 13x16: “and that includes the Cartwright twins.” Cas, again jealously: “what did you do with the Cartwright twins?”

- 13x19: Cas angrily confronting Naomi about forcing him to kill a bunch of Dean clones.

- 13x21: Cas secretly sliding Dean more pizza when Mary and Sam left the room.

- 13x21: Cas having to hold Dean back from going after Sam. Dean would have beat the shit out of anyone else who tried to stop him.

- 13x23: Cas trying to stop Dean from giving himself to Michael even if it meant losing Sam AND Jack

- 13x23: Cas sitting alone in the bum jet with tears in his eyes after Dean left

- 14x1: Demon: “How is it you lost Dean. I thought you two were joined at the... everything.”

- 14x1: Dean trying to save Cas from Lucifer then vs Cas trying to save Dean from Michael now

- 14x3: The look that Dean and Cas give each other when Dean comes home.

- 14x9: Cas almost being happy seeing Dean happy. And then having to force himself to not be happy so he doesn’t die.

- 14x12: Cas being phased at Dean for wanting to put himself in the box with Michael forever

- 14x14: Cas is the only Dean will let talk to him about Michael and be honest about how Dean feels

- 14x14: “No, it’s on us.”

- 14x14: Cas’s voice breaking when he talks about the possibility of Dean dying one day.

- 14x18: The pure self loathing in Cas’s eyes when he feels like he failed Dean by not telling him about Jack’s soul.

- 15x2: “You asked ‘what about all of this is real?’ We are.” THE MOST ROMANTIC LINE EVER. (Plus later Eileen and Sam have the same conversation but they get to kiss because homophobia)

- 15x9- 20:00 Dean said that they lost everyone they cared about, then added Cas specifically. Then he says “I had to bury him” not “we”

- 15x9- 23:00 Dean cries when he can’t find Cas. Then he prays to him and apologizes for letting him go. He falls to his knees praying to him and fully crying

- 15x12: “I created the world.” *shows Destiel*

- 15x15: This time when Dean sees Cas leaving the bunker, he stops him. (In reference to Cas saying “you didn’t stop me” when Dean got mad at him for leaving)

- 15x16: This is the the only version of Cas that rebelled for Dean. This universe is literally being saved repeatedly because of Cas’s love for Dean

- 15x18: CAS CONFESSES HIS LOVE TO DEAN then goes to mega hell for being gay

Anyway, Cas loves Dean and Dean LOVES HIM BACK, OKAY?!?!? Feel free to add more