#why is this longer than any a-level essay i've ever written

[sunshine-jesse]

In defense of Andrew Graves: A character arc in one sentence

HEY! I rewrote this essay and fleshed it out a lot. I'm keeping the original here for posterity, but the new version renders this one completely obsolete. Find it here!

I've focused a lot on Ashley in my past writings. She's my favorite character in the story (and depending on how episode 3 pans out, maybe ever) and I'm pretty mortified by how some parts of the fandom have reacted towards her, so I pretty much made it my life's mission to push back against that. From highlighting the ways Andrew mistreats her, to coming up with justifications for her behavior that aren't just being a manipulative bitch, I really wanted to prove that a more favorable picture of her could be painted than most were willing to.

But in doing so, I've left Andrew in the dust.

In highlighting his flaws and the ways he mistreats Ashley, I think I've implied a level of intentionality to his actions that I don't believe he has. Most of his worst actions are spur of the moment, or caused by a fundamental conflict that exists between his desires and his idea of the way things should be. That doesn't excuse them, obviously! But they do reveal interesting things about his character and how it develops over the course of the game. He starts out as a doormat, but eventually settles on either his bitterness or a sense of calmness and acceptance, both over Ashley.

But what exactly causes this change?

There's plenty of reason to believe that he was slowly evolving before the story took place, but within the context of the work itself, I believe there are two points where he can no longer ignore the changes that have happened to this point, both of which are in the first chapter: The killing of the warden and the 302 lady. In the first case, he was forced to do it to protect Ashley in a way he hadn't done before, or depending on how you look at it, since the death of Nina. But the intentionality was the key point here. After this point, he calls Ashley Leyley, which may or may not seem important at this point, but it's something I'll draw attention to later, so keep that in mind.

Next is the killing of the 302 lady, which is the much, much bigger point. We don't learn much about it until later on- as at first he just gives an excuse about the nail gun that doesn't line up with what we see on the map- but during the dream, it's revealed it was a calculated, intentional killing that he did to make sure there was no evidence left behind, and because Ashley (supposedly) would've wanted him to do it anyway. I say supposedly because Ashley herself doesn't seem to ever want Andrew to kill for her past Nina's death, because he only ever kills for her to defend one or both of them. If you want more evidence that violence for violence's sake isn't something she wants, look at this part in the final dream:

A knife isn't what opens the door, despite it being placed on the ground in that very map. While it seems obvious that the knife (violence) would be the key to solving the puzzle, it's put there explicitly to show you that it isn't. It's not what she wants; what she wants is a flower.

So, why is this important? Why am I centering Ashley- again- when this essay is supposed to be about Andrew?

Because I think it's important to point out the discrepancy between what he thinks Ashley wants, and what she really wants. When Ashley starts to grill Andrew over the killing of the 302 lady, he gets mad. Very mad. Ashley sees it as pointless, as him covering his own ass, but he genuinely did it for her sake, because he thought that's what she wanted, and that it'd make her happy. But what makes her happy isn't violence- or any similarly extreme action for that matter- it's attention and validation. Something he's always reluctant to give her, despite the fact that he always chose her over the alternatives. But despite making that choice, it's always empty and meaningless, because in Ashley's mind, he never did it for her sake.

And hoo boy, does he not like it being framed like this.

But is she wrong, though? He WAS the one who chopped up the Warden, and he WAS the one who chose to kill the 302 lady. Violence is his job, it's all he knows. He has to do it to take care of Leyley, right? To protect her? To keep her happy? Then why doesn't he ever acknowledge it? Why does he never admit that he did it for her sake, to keep her happy?

Because he doesn't know what he sees her as.

In his unique dream sequence, he sees two versions of Ashley; the child version of her- Leyley- and the adult version of her- Ashley. And the differences in the ways he interacts with the two of them are stunning. Leyley is an obstinate, annoying child. She's the one he NEEDS to take care of, and he hates that. He hates Leyley for what she did for his childhood. He hates that he needs to provide for her. He has the option of trying to kill her, even, over something as small as a candle!

But in the room with all the murders, the gilded cage, he sees Ashley as an adult. This version of Ashley is stuck in a closet that he himself has to open- and to choose to see. Their interactions are calm and friendly. She teases him a bit, sure, but she's still helpful, and they have fun together. He doesn't need her, and she doesn't need him. He needed Leyley- needed the candle- but here, there are other limbs strewn about for him to take. And, crucially, he doesn't even have the option to kill this Ashley for one of the limbs.

And during the choking scene, he lets her go the moment she acknowledges that he doesn't need her anymore.

What he really wants is Ashley for Ashley's sake. Not for what she can provide him. He doesn't even need her for sleep, he just wants her. But Ashley has trouble acknowledging this, because he's never before shown that WANT. Only a NEED. She keeps trying to find ways to make him need her, because she's never seen what his desire for her is really like. She's only ever seen him desiring someone else, someone other than her. She's only ever seen him as Andy, because she's never truly seen Andrew, only the violence he can inflict on others. Andrew, meanwhile is arguably further along in the realization of their relationship, because he can see and acknowledge both sides of Ashley.

He can see Leyley, the needy, bratty child who always needs his attention, that he needs to provide for. The one he hates and wants to get rid of. The one he kills for to protect. And he can see Ashley, the one who engages in friendly and cute banter with him. Who comforts and shows him physical affection. The one he loves. The one he kills for to make happy.

He just can't choose which one he wants to see. Every outside influence- from his parents, to Julia, to Nina- makes him see her as Leyley. Ashley herself makes him see her as Leyley too, whenever she brings up all the things he did for her, and calls him Andy, his child self, instead of Andrew, his current self. And as long as he sees that child, he feels like one too, and can never give Ashley anything that comes from the heart.

But he really, really wants to see Ashley as an adult. He wants to take pride in her, how much she's grown, and how driven and competent she really is.

But god damn, does that bitch ever make it hard.

But in the end, it's him who has to make the choice how to see her. Ashley can only see what she's shown, but Andrew can choose.

And in the basement scene, he makes that choice.

If Ashley refuses to leave him alone with their parents, that's it. In one of the most critical and important moments of his life, she couldn't give him the space needed to make up his own mind. She couldn't treat him as an adult. She couldn't see him as Andrew. If she does give him that choice, she chooses to acknowledge that Andrew is an adult who can be trusted to make his own decisions, even though she (perhaps foolishly) believes that this choice lines up with her own interests. And frankly it does either way, but in accepting their mom's offer, her chooses to see her as Leyley once and for all. He chooses not to reciprocate what Ashley showed him. He does it because he needs to, not because he wants to. Because it's his duty, not his desire.

But if he WANTS to?

That respect becomes mutual.

In choosing to treat each other like adults, to treat their relationship as one of desire rather than need, Andy starts to die. From that point on, their relationship becomes a lot more friendly, lighthearted, and playful. They ironically start acting more like children, but to quote CS Lewis:

"Critics who treat adult as a term of approval, instead of as a merely descriptive term, cannot be adult themselves. To be concerned about being grown up, to admire the grown up because it is grown up, to blush at the suspicion of being childish; these things are the marks of childhood and adolescence."

He's not ashamed of being playful with Ashley, or showing affection towards her. He's grown up. He finally sees her, and himself, as an adult- although he still doesn't show that in full until much later on (more or that later). But in Decay, he still sees her as a child, and to an extent, probably himself. Let's compare the ways in which he reacts to being called Andy. In Decay, he lashes out at Ashley and gets angry, even threatening her. But in Questionable Burial, he calmly says that Andy is dead and doesn't need Ashley's comfort, but still tries to reassure her that she's still needed. He's not ashamed of or hostile towards their prior dynamic, because he's grown past it. He still recognizes Ashley's need to feel needed, but he still RECOGNIZES it, where he was hostile towards it before.

It's a display of respect towards her feelings.

This interaction doesn't happen in the Sane ending, however. He doesn't play games with her and is just a lot less fun to be around all together. Why is that? Because he still hasn't yet shaken viewing Ashley as Leyley there. He still views her as a burden, as someone who needs taking care of. He's calmly accepted that, too, mind you, but he lacks respect for her because she's still a child, in his mind. But in Questionable?

The vision did more than just make him extremely embarrassed and lay his deepest desires bare. It forced him to recognize Ashley as an adult. When choosing between "Never" and "Never say never," if Never is chosen, the burden of thought is lifted off of him. But if Ashley chooses "Never say never!", he has to reckon with the fact that Ashley is an adult, someone who can consent to those kinds of things. Someone who MIGHT. Someone who has agency, and can make her own decisions. And more importantly… someone who can trust him to make his own.

Whether he desires sex or not is secondary; he's always had those feelings and has always been ashamed of it. But now that the part of him where that shame came from is dead and buried, there's no childish impulse to grow up. There's no attachment to the hate and bitterness he had before. Look at what he worries about when he picks up that she's uncertain or confused about who he is now:

This is the one sentence I was referring to in the title.

It's her feelings.

He wants to be fun to be around. He wants to make Ashley happy. He loves her, and not as a romantic interest or even as a sibling. He loves her independent of all that baggage.

He loves her as a person.

In learning to respect Ashley, our boy has finally grown up. But there's a certain intimacy to being hurt by someone else that Ashley isn't getting in this ending, and now she has to reckon with that. And that's really, really hard to do when you're so used to being hurt.

Especially when you're no longer around someone who wants to kill the part of you that needs nurturing the most.

[hanadoesstuffwrong]

Tonight on, I should definitely be sleeping but feel a senseless need to write this instead:

Surprise Kissing!!

So I'm very anti-kat/@ang for personal reasons, and back when I hyper fixated on avatar for a bit, I read a lot of really awesome metas about why it was badly executed... And I might've written a couple of sub-par ones myself....

But I noticed how one critisicm that kept coming up was A@ng's habit of kissing Katara without asking permission.

At first I just kinda blatantly agreed, but then I remembered that many of my favourite ships don't verbally request permission before kissing, and I never had a problem with those scenes.

Now, on a surface level I can see why requesting permission to kiss someone makes a lot of sense and is a pretty good thing to put in shows (especially for pre/teen audiences).

But, honestly, it can be a bit of a moment killer, from an entertainment/aesthetic standpoint and often, surprise kisses make u jump up and down squealing as u watch...

So why does kat@ang doing it gross me out so much?

(Now, the fact that I don't like the pairing could have something to do with it, but honestly... Replace A@ng with Zuko and I would still get uncomfortable watching these scenes play out this way.)

To answer this question, allow me to present another canon ship:

Rayllum

Ah yes, the OTP that can literally do no wrong!

However! Their first two kisses are both surprise kisses...

JUST LIKE KATA@NG!!!

I am going to analyse them now because it is only 01:29 right now and sleep is for the weak!

(All the Rayllum gifs I've used here were created by @ jlassijlali , just so u know)

So!

1. Blinking..... Matters?

Here's one of kata@ng's kisses:

And now rayllum's:

Watch the girls' eyes!!

Neither girl is expecting to be kissed in these moments (whether because of deep-seated self-loathing or literally being in a warzone). Rayla's are open wide and take a moment to fully close. Similarly, Katara's are wide, but then they continue to be wide until she shuts them, after blinking twice. (Note, u can't see this in the gif because I suck at making gifs)

Rayla relaxes into the kiss.

Katara does not.

Rayla kisses him back.

Katara kinda just lets it happen.

These girls are supposed to be feeling the same way: The guy they have been pining after for the majority of their time together is finally returning their feelings. If Katara has been wanting this for almost a year, why isn't she reacting in a similar way to Rayla, who has only been wanting this for at most two weeks?

It looks like they were going for shock and surprise, however, keeping this expression going for too long into the kiss turns it into something else: Discomfort and confusion. She looks a bit too surprised. As if she never saw this coming. As if she wasn't secretly hoping this would happen at some point. As if she never saw the person kissing her as a romantic interest and therefore wouldn't expect this from him.

And don't give me that "they're in the middle of a war! So she's very confused about her feelings!" She can be confused about her feelings, sure, but if she had really been in love with- and wanting to kiss- A@ng since season 2, as the creators claim, I think she might give in to those feelings a little more... Maybe by smiling, or revealing even the slightest sign of being happy about this development!

Which brings me on to my next point:

2. Reaction & context

But after all, maybe I'm misjudging, maybe these two characters just react differently while being kissed. That's valid. In that case, I'll compare what happens after the surprise kiss in each show, since that will tell me how they felt about it more explicitly and reveal whether or not the surprise kiss was well-received.

So let's see Katara's giddy expression, the light in her eyes and joy slowly giving way to confusion or regret because of their situation. Show me Katara's elation at-

-And she looks like she wants to die...

Okay then!

I think Rayla's reaction speaks for itself:

[◇okay! I have slept and will now continue◇]

So this bit is less about kata@ng and more about when surprise kissing works. Imma look at rayllum again:

Okay, first kiss:

See how close they're standing? See the expressions?! This adorable boy has been pouring his heart out over how amazing he thinks Rayla is, calling her beautiful and smart and strong! I would kiss him for that!!

Kiss number two again:

Again, close proximity, serene expressions, and again, this boy has just finished singing her praises AGAIN!!

Nobody points out these surprise kisses as points against rayllum being well executed because the creators utilised them well. Nobody is interrupting the other, there's no grabbing, the moment is romantically framed from the get go, and once they're over, their reactions fall in line with a romantic narrative:

This is Callum's reaction to the first kiss. Now u might say,"that's exactly the same as Katara's!"

However... Context:

Callum: That's not what I was expecting.

Rayla: You were saying all those things, so I thought-

Callum: No, I was- I- I wasn't saying all those things so you would [gestures]

He explains his reaction

In the context of the scene, her kissing him and him reacting in this way make perfect sense! She's veeeeery emotionally vulnerable atm, and he explains that he wasn't trying to get her to kiss him, he wasn't manipulating her. And that's why he reacted in that way to the kiss.

They COMMUNICATE

Now, Kat@ang...

Since dude immediately flies away, and then they seemingly forget the kiss happened for a fat number of episodes, the only time we hear Katara explain why she reacted in that way is way later:

Katara: A@ng, I'm sorry, but right now I'm just a little confused.

A@ng:

You don't see it so much in the gif but FROWNING, ARMS CROSSED OVER HERSELF, PLAYING WITH HER HAIR, NOT LOOKING AT HIM, EYEs FREAKIN SHUT!!!! THEY'VE FRAMED THIS TO MAKE IT LOOK LIKE THE LAST THING KATARA WANTS TO BE DOING IS KISSING THIS BOY!!!

Do they want me to want these two together?!?!?! What was the thought process when making this scene?!!?!

3. Equality

Rayllum's SEVEN kisses:

Rayla surprise kisses Callum

Callum surprise kisses Rayla

Rayla kisses Callum back

Mutual kiss •Relationship begins•

Mutual kiss

Mutual kiss

Veeeeery mutual kiss post rescue and dramatic love confessions

They get ONE surprise kiss each, and then the rest are mutual or reciprocations (I hope that's an actual word)

Kat@ang's three kisses [because we don't count kiss-or-die, cheek kisses or dream kisses in this house, thank you very much!]:

A@ng surprise kisses Katara

A@ng surprise kisses Katara

Mutual kiss with zero dialogue or meaningful romantic interaction since the last kiss •Relationship begins???•

See the issue???

Conclusion.......

Rayllum's surprise kisses do not kill their romantic story because they are animated to clearly display their emotions; they work well within narrative context and they each do it, demonstrating equal interest in the relationship.

Kat@ang does none of this by having these kisses be forgotten about rapidly and shoe-horned pointlessly into scenes with zero romantic framing. A@ng always being the one to do the surprise kissing simply makes it seem like Katara isn't really into it, and just kinda accepts it by the end in spite of having no romantic build up over prior episodes.

That's why it grosses me out when avatar does it, and not when Dragon Prince does.

..................

Anyway, none if this probably needed to be said, but this is my void, let me be. I just get annoyed when the only times I see these ships compared they're always saying how "Rayllum reminds me of kata@ng"

I watched Avatar way after watching Dragon Prince, so I hav no nostalgic connection to it at all. In fact- unpopular opinion- I would say that Dragon Prince is better than Avatar in many ways! Most specifically the romances!

[permets-2]

Your tag that says why do we have to say this, I get it's a hypothetical question but JFC this is the most racist fandom I've ever been in. I can't conceptualize why, but it is. It's the epitome of white queerness and feminism, and is just tiring.

Okay I’m so sorry this is probably a longer response than you wanted but I’ve been thinking about this for a while now and yeah. Let’s talk. 

Why is the Les Mis fandom so racist?  

(Disclaimer that this is based on my own experiences in this fandom, I don’t speak for all Les Mis fans of color, obviously. Also that this is not a post to “prove” the Les Mis fandom is racist. If you need that before you wanna know why, you’re part of the problem.) (There’s a tl;dr at the end)

It’s because at the end of the day, anon, no matter how many Black Grantaires are drawn and no matter how many Asian Cosettes we get, Les Mis is media primarily by, for, and about white people. I mean, on a factual level, Hugo was white, and let’s not forget he had some wild thoughts on race - saying that white people were “the highest type which the human race has so far reached” and talking about the “inferior races,” saying that Europeans would “civilize and cultivate” Africa in the letter he wrote to The London News regarding slavery in America and John Brown. Also, obviously, all the characters are canonically white. That’s part of why content of the Amis as involved in BLM protests is so harmful imo - no matter the surface story you’re depicting, no matter how you draw them or write them, these are characters who are rooted in and steeped in whiteness, and The Black Lives Matter movement is not for or about them as white people. And, however you rewrite this story, it doesn't change the fact that you'd be imposing a narrative created by a white supremacist on a movement against white supremacy. This is not to say headcanoning/drawing/writing characters as whatever race you want is wrong, or that there isn’t power in artists of color reclaiming stories that have excluded or erased us for so many years! Lord knows I live and breathe for Amis of color, especially when they’re culturally well-represented. But it would not only be naive but also factually inaccurate to pretend that Les Mis is a story for People of Color, or a story that contains acute discussions of racial dynamics, let alone actively dismantles white supremacy.

 Also, anon, the culture surrounding Les Mis source material is steeped in whiteness and exclusion. Musical Theatre is one of the most financially exclusive forms of art - tickets are often upwards of $100 each especially for a big name show like Les Mis. I could talk forever about the ways theatre is used as a tool of classism and racism, but in this instance, it boils down to People of Color are directly and indirectly denied access to the world of musical theatre, as audience, writers, directors, performers, etc. We basically see only white people playing the characters of Les Mis in professional (and non-professional) theatre, which is another less tangible barrier to communities of color. You’d think the brick would be more accessible, and on a factual level, sure, most people can find a copy for $9 at Barnes and Noble or get it from the library. But by God, the amount of academic elitism in high school essays to tumblr posts about the brick is off the charts - classic lit has a long history of pushing out People of Color. Why is Hugo one of the most well-known names in all of literature and not Hurston? Baldwin? Du Bois? (This is rhetorical. We know why.) There’s a lot of reasons why the brick and musical alike have been kept away from people of color (that i could get into, starting in 1619, but honestly we’d be here a while)- making this, once again, a piece of media by, for, and about white people.

 Which is not to say there aren’t people of color in this fandom, or that we don’t belong here. I know so many Les Mis fans of color in our online community (myself included) who love it here and are so grateful for this space. It’s just harder - we have to write things off all the time. Why is almost 100% of cosplay white people? Why are most all the most popular creators white? Why, when characters are drawn/headcanoned/written as POC, does it play into stereotypes- why are Joly and Combeferre (the doctors) and Cosette (the woman who does not get much agency) the ones depicted as Asian, why are Eponine and Grantaire (the characters who Hugo explicitly calls ugly) the ones depicted as Black? (My broski @everydayatleast as a great post about that here) Why are we so set on blond Enjolras, no matter what ethnicity he’s depicted as?

And here’s the kicker: because of the plotline of Les Mis, we tend to ignore any issues of injustice in our own fandom. We think that because Les Mis is about equality and revolution, we’re automatically culturally and politically progressive. We think that because “Enjolras says Eat The Rich” and “books like these will never be useless”, we have achieved Wokeness. We think that when we stan these activist characters, we’re checking our activism box. We think that because we’ve got a diversity of genders and sexualities we’ve checked the box of representation but that’s another can of worms I will not get into. And this is almost always unconscious, I don’t think any of us are actively and maliciously trying to be racist! There is nothing wrong with having a background of whiteness! There is nothing wrong with being factually or culturally white as a piece of media (or, like, a person)! It is when we fail to be critical of the ways this whiteness affects others that we create racist spaces. (Which, as you said, anon, is how we get White/Non-intersectional Feminism.)

This is not directed at anyone in particular in the slightest, and this is in no way intended as a callout - I have so much love for this online community. And no, I don’t mean every single one of you is actively and aggressively being racist on Tumblr every single day. But yes I do mean the collective us as a fandom contributes towards a culture of racism every day, myself included. We as a fandom can do so much better. As Moose said when we yelled about LM racism for a hawt couple hours today, “In a fandom that purports to be about equality and social justice, we have to live up to our own ideals”.

(tl;dr - the Les Mis fandom is racist because it is a piece of white culture and writen by/for/about white people, Broadway and classic lit is rooted in exclusionism and there’s a lot of forces keeping people of color out of our original source materials, and because of the narrative of Les Mis being about revolution and social progress, we feel like we’ve achieved that and aren’t critical of our own shortcomings)

(phat thanks to my bro moose @everydayatleast for editing and contributing and Yelling with me!!)

[irisbleufic]

Hi! I apologise if this question has been asked before, or if it's too personal (you can ignore it if you want)! As a person on the autism spectrum, I've always felt there was an invisible barrier that stopped me from truly connecting with people. I worry this rubs off in my writing, especially in the authenticity of character's voices and their interactions with each other. Your dialogue is phenomenal, so I wanted to ask what your experience with this has been! Thank you.

Hi there, anon! This isn’t too personal, and it hasn’t been asked before, either. It’s a subject I enjoy discussing, as I actually wrote an essay about being an autistic writer that got published last year in an anthology of essays by autistic adults (if you DM or email me, I’m happy to share the title, just like I do with my poetry collections and other published work).

For me, writing has almost always functioned as a form of scripting. It’s by writing that I actually learned to more efficiently interact with the world, with others, and it’s by writing that I’m still learning. My earliest experiences with writing were unusual in that I’m not one of those writers who started scrawling stories as soon as I acquired the ability to read and utilize the alphabet/written language overall. I solely drew pictures to tell stories up until the age of 13 or 14, which was the point at which I grew intensely frustrated that my limited artistic skills could not keep up with the complexity of the narratives I wanted to convey. I was also a voracious and voyeuristic reader from quite a young age, and this extended to any written materials I could get my hands on, even in passing. I read and I watched and I drew; and then, when I could no longer draw to the standard I required, I made the incredibly conscious decision to give writing a try.

Social interactions were safer on paper (or on a computer screen, as the case may be). Because the people weren’t real, I couldn’t mess them up, although I admit that my sense of hyper-emotional connection with characters has almost always been present (I’ve never enjoyed torturing them just for the sake of torture; I’ve never enjoyed gratuitous angst of any kind, as it exacerbates my anxiety and depression; etc.) Stories started out as a kind of experiment in which I saw an opportunity to covertly get feedback from total strangers; yes, fanfiction is some of the first writing I ever did, and it continues to be, aside from poetry, the writing I love best. This dialogue exchange here, let’s see what people say about it. This situation involving touch and intimacy, let’s see how people react. This handful of original characters that I’ve slid in with the canon characters, let’s see if people think they feel real. This is all part of why I feel so strongly about young writers, or even first-time writers of any age, being permitted to experiment as broadly as they wish. You have no idea what other function besides storytelling that writing may be serving for them. As my understanding of how to depict conversations and other social situations in writing increased, so did my understanding of how to navigate them in real life.

Scripting does not work for everyone on the Autism Spectrum, nor is it necessarily helpful for everyone. Scripting is not something you need to do, or are even obliged to do. It’s a common phenomenon in educational approaches for autistic children, and although I didn’t have a clear-cut diagnosis until I was an adult, I feel that my high-school and college level teachers caught onto the fact that writing was serving quite a number of complex functions for me. A biology teacher once let me write a short story to fill a major exam-grade, in order to demonstrate that I had grasped a particular concept.

This is all to say, you may decide to continue writing in order to accomplish a similar approach, or you may not. It may not function for you the way it has functioned for me. I know plenty of autistic people who struggle more with the handling of social interactions in fiction than they do with ones in real life. I also know plenty of autistic people who struggle with social interactions in both settings. I understand that, in my case, there’s a dimension of unusual innate linguistic talent in play; I simply stumbled across it at the right time and figured out how to use it to my advantage. If you enjoy writing, you should keep doing it regardless of the effect on your real-time social interactions. If it frustrates you (like drawing ultimately frustrated me), then maybe you shouldn’t do it. For people like us, emotional well-being is incredibly tied to matters like this. Above all, pay attention to how writing makes you feel, even if you can’t necessarily articulate said feeling.

[malexfan10]

What is it about Malex?

I was playing around on my phone at work (when I should have been working lol) and came across some article about the best TV couples. It was published in 2018 so Malex wasn't in it lol

But I was going through the pictures in the article and I saw a lot of the couples I've liked & enjoyed over the years listed. Pacey & Joey, Captain Swan, Haleb, Stydia, Kurt & Blaine etc.

I started thinking...what is it about Malex that makes them extra special for me? What is it about them that made me join Tumblr and Twitter for the first time? I never had either before this year. What is it about them that made me write more fan fic in the span of 3 months than I have in years of watching other shows? And I'm someone who studied English Lit in university and have written many novels, hoping to finally pursue publishing this year with one of them. But the amount of fan fic I've typed out the past 3 months? My hands seriously hurt!

So why is Malex so special?

(I made a collage below)

Is it because they're an LGBTQ pairing? There have been other LGBTQ pairings I've rooted for. Malex isn't the first and they won't be the last. Times are changing in TV land and we're seeing more and more representation. It's progressing slowly, but it is changing.

Is the reason Malex is extra special a shallow reason? The actors are both incredibly good looking. No getting around that. But I loved Haleb too and Tyler was one half of that ship. I adore Joshua Jackson and Dylan O'Brien. I think Holland Roden is beautiful. In the couples I've followed over the years, all the actors & actresses have been attractive in their own ways.

-- side note -- I know I put Destiel (SPN) in the collage below even though technically they're not a couple but some of their lines over the past decade, I mean come on! It's so obvious! --

Anyway...

Is it the chemistry between Tyler & Michael? I thought Katie & Josh had amazing chemistry. Only reason I watched PLL was for Haleb and the friendship between Tyler & Ashley. Some of the couples I've rooted for really sizzled on screen. Do I think Vlamburn has better chemistry than all the others? Not necessarily. I think they tie for first with some of my other faves (although I would probably rank them above right now just because they're current).

So what is it about Malex that made me so emotionally invested that I joined social media like this? That I've written a bunch of fics and have so many other concepts cooking in my head.

I think it comes down to the angst at the end of the day and how the story has been written.

I've directed a lot of disappointment and anger towards Carina and the writers since that finale because I'm afraid the triangle will grow and span multiple seasons. I'm afraid the writers will show Michael really starting to have deep feelings for Maria the longer M&M exists (I know Vlamis said in those last interviews that his feelings for her are already very deep but sorry Vlamis. I love you but I don't see that yet.) I'm afraid now that they know they were renewed, they'll drag this storyline out, pursure M&M and then Michael with other relationships if/once M&M ends with Alex just waiting in the sidelines, moping and heartbroken.

But despite all my fears and disappointments after that craptastic finale (seriously, I can write a 20 page essay), I have to give the writers their credit.

The story they wrote, the beauty they created in Malex, with that amazing angst and history and love is the reason I'm so invested.

"Where I stand, nothing's changed"

"I never look away"

"That I loved you and I think that you loved me."

"Cosmic"

"But you are mine"

"I don't look away Guerin"

"I love him. I probably always will"

I mean, these lines all exist. No one can take those words away. Yes, the writers can try and diminish it by shoving another relationship down our throats & attempting to give that relationship the same level of meaning and importance (sorry, not buying it. Hardly anyone is). But those lines will always be there.

The epicness of Malex will always be there.

That beautiful first kiss in the reunion will always be there.

Their connection in senior year, bonding over their painful childhoods and living situations will always be there.

Caulfield, although bittersweet, will always be there.

Michael Guerin wanting to be Alex's hero will always be there.

The angst and love between them is just unbelievable. I don't think any other couple I've rooted for over the years has had the same amount of angst or history. Their story is just beautiful.

I don't cry too much in movies or TV shows unless there's a really sad death that hits me hard. LOST was one of those shows where I sobbed constantly (Jin & Sun's death, Juliet's, Charlie's...I could go on).

But I cried after that last scene in episode 6, when Jesse destroyed such a beautiful and pure moment 🥺

I cried at that moment in Caulfield 🥺

I cried at the finale, watching Alex just waiting there while Michael....let's not remind ourselves 🤨

So yes, the chemistry is unbelievable between Tyler & Michael. How close they are offscreen shines through their performance and this is in a cast where everyone's close. But with Vlamburn, especially from Michael, he's so unfiltered when he talks about Tyler's eyes or the way he kisses or just how much he loves him. What can I say, they make me love Malex more ❤

Yes, they're both incredibly good looking but that's a miniscule, shallow reason. How good looking a couple is in no way compares to how much their emotional connection matters, at least for me.

So really, it's the story. It's the history. It's all that profound, made for each other, soulmates love that they share. It's the incredible angst that makes me root for them even more.

And yes, as much as Carina and crew have angered me after that finale and after their insistance of shoving this triangle down our throats and in our faces, they did create Malex so I have to be grateful for that. Vlamburn perfected it and made it epic but the concept came from Carina (trust me, it hurts to give that credit).

So as much as it still hurts with what happened, as much as seeing the M&M promos bothers me, as much as I'll be a sobbing mess once season 2 hits and Alex realizes what happened, I have to believe that this much care and heartbreaking angst was given to this couple for a reason. That reason has to be that Malex is endgame.

Can Carina change her mind about Endgame Malex? Sure she can, if she wants to lose a substantial percentage of the fandom. But I can't believe she'll do that.

I can't believe that Malex is anything but each other's ending.

I can't believe that this beautiful love story we've seen between 2 men who started as scared, lonely boys and are now broken men trying to put themselves back together is anything short of EPIC.

I can't believe that M&M, however painful and ridiculously unnecessary, is anything but a bump in this road for Malex.

All that matters is how the writers take us from point A to B.

Does their separation last for 4 more seasons (pending renewals) and Malex reunites in the series finale, season 5? God I hope not. I need to see them existing as a couple together on screen, not just a kiss and makeup moment last episode and assume they made it. So once this teenage level of triangle nonesense has been dealt with (please let season 2 be the end of it!!!!), I really hope the writers realize the amazing couple they created and give them their due justice by bringing Malex together for good.

Episodes 1, 2, 3, 6, 8, last Malex scene of 9, beginning of 10 and all of 12 point this show towards one inevitable ending with Malex and that's reuniting (did I get the episodes right?). Just keep your fingers crossed it happens sooner rather than later. Right now, that's where my main fears lie.

This fandom has been super great about lending support to one another when things get tough. Unfortunately, things will get even tougher next season so it will be good to have this great support.

As far as the promos and interviews we'll be getting between now and 2020, I'll try to only watch interviews that Michael & Tyler give together and avoid anything that seems like M&M promotion (outside of full cast interviews or festivals etc). I love all the actors on this show. They're all wonderful and talented and deserve our love and support (not commenting on that Nathan instagram thing).

But as a Malex fan, I have no place in my life for unnecessary stress from a TV show because honestly, as invested as I am, it's still just a TV show. No need to give myself more heartbreak before season 2 even airs by watching pro M&M interviews like yesterday. I'll just stay in my happy Malex bubble until then (and then die when I see M&M next year 😭).

In the end of this long post, all I wanted to say is that Malex is extra special, head and shoulders above others ships I've rooted for and that's mostly because of the beautiful story I've seen on screen but Vlamburn defintely plays an imortant part in making it epic ❤

I'm a Malex lifer. Nothing will ever change that.

❤