#will fundamentally change how we view the characters and their relationships to one another i think? especially the main trio and

[ruporas]

studies from the finale

[createserenity]

Aziraphale and Crowley's relationship dynamic fascinates me and what fascinates me even more is how people perceive them, partly because I seem to have a much more optimistic view of their dynamic than a lot of what I read suggests they do.

With that in mind I started trying to unpick how I see their dynamic and why and what I ended up with was a series of rambles on various aspects, including confidence, trust, silliness and what they ask of each other. This one is about what they ask of each other and why their relationship isn't some weird one-sided thing where Crowley gives Aziraphale everything he could possibly want or ask for.

I see a lot of posts and things suggesting Crowley always rolls over and does anything Aziraphale asks of him. I don’t know to what extent most people really believe this or if it’s just a fun joke (and I’m not saying that’s bad, I think it’s a fun joke too, I love reading all that stuff and it makes me laugh). The point I wanted to make here though is that I don’t think it’s true and also why I don’t think it’s true.

Everything from here on out is my opinion, but I won’t keep stating that in order to make it more easily readable, just take it as a given. If your opinion is different that’s absolutely fine, I love that we can all see this stuff in different ways depending on our experiences and personalities, it’s why the fandom is so fun. (It’s also why my opinion on so many things in season two ricochets wildly from one theory to another).

So back to Crowley and Aziraphale – I don’t think Aziraphale walks all over Crowley, or certainly not to the extent that people sometimes think he does. Also Crowley doesn’t and wouldn’t allow himself to be walked all over anyway. Why is this even relevant? Because I’ve seen people say that in the final 15 minutes Aziraphale finally asked Crowley to do something that pushed him over the edge and that Aziraphale was shocked when Crowley didn’t roll over and do it because Crowley always does what Aziraphale asks. This isn’t at all true for a start, but also this view tends to include a second assumption, which is that their relationship is one-sided and Aziraphale never does anything for Crowley, that he dismisses him and takes him for granted, which also is not true in a lot of ways. I think it’s a fundamental misinterpretation of their relationship dynamic.  

First of all why can Crowley’s actions be interpreted as just rolling over and doing whatever Aziraphale wants? Well, the answer to that is three-fold – firstly Crowley is a genuinely unselfish in many ways, he does things for people because that’s the way he is, it doesn’t make him a pushover, it just makes him nice. Secondly he loves Aziraphale deeply. Whether he knows it or not doesn’t matter, he cares for Aziraphale and wants him to be happy. This isn’t the same as being a complete doormat, it’s simply compromising with the person you are in a relationship with and occasionally prioritising them over yourself. Both these things come together in the third thing, which is that Crowley’s love language is acts of service – he enjoys doing nice things for Aziraphale, he enjoys rescuing him, or going along with him and letting him have his own way, so why not do it? The point is he’s never railroaded into it by Aziraphale, it’s always a deliberate choice. He is literally saying, I will do this thing for you because I love you and I enjoy making you happy and this is something I feel I can give to you.

How does Aziraphale see this behaviour?

Well that’s a tricky one, because in many ways Aziraphale is the more complex character, not least because he changes the most over the course of their history together. Is there a slight element of him taking Crowley for granted in some of their interactions, especially in season two? Possibly, but mostly I don’t think that’s it at all. When someone gives you things because their love language is acts of service you develop a (mostly sub-conscious) confidence in that relationship dynamic and if you also have confidence in yourself (which Aziraphale absolutely does – I’ll write more on this another time) then when you want something you ask for things. You ask not because you learn to expect, but because you think you’re worthy of asking and you think that your relationship is strong enough to stand up to the ask. I ask my husband for things all the time, sometimes they’re things I know he’ll give me – these are easy asks (I don’t just mean physical objects, I also mean acts of service such as helping me with something), sometimes though I’ll ask for things knowing he probably won’t give me that thing or without having a clue what his answer will be – these are harder asks, the sort you don’t do early on in relationships because they might break it either in one go or over time. Sometimes a hard ask results in me getting what I want, sometimes it results in a bit of back and forth before I get what I want, sometimes I get a no and I’m temporarily annoyed or upset, sometimes I get a no and I accept it because I knew it was the most likely outcome.

The point is that I ask, and so does Aziraphale. You ask because you have confidence that you are worthy of the ask and also that your relationship is strong enough to bear the request, even if the answer is no. Can a no still be annoying or upsetting? Yes absolutely. Can a no still be wrong on the part of the other person? Also yes. The point is that sometimes the no isn’t wrong and it doesn’t necessarily break the relationship. By the time season two comes along Aziraphale is confident enough in his relationship with Crowley to feel it can bear the weight of him asking.

So what happens when he asks? Does Crowley roll over?

Well no, he doesn’t. One big example of this is right at the beginning of the series, in episode one. Here Aziraphale makes a massive ask of Crowley and he knows it’s a big ask. Even before he tells Crowley what the problem is he’s aware of the possibility of a no. “Is it something I can help you with?” Crowley sayss, and Aziraphale merely shrugs. It’s not because Nina is there, she’s gone by that point. It’s also not because he doesn’t have faith in Crowley’s ability to help him, he always has faith in Crowley’s abilities (this is a whole other thing on trust). What he’s doubting is whether Crowley will help him. It’s why they’re meeting in the café, not the bookshop. He wants to break this one to Crowley a bit at a time – there’s a problem and I need help. I want your help, it’s why I called you, but you aren’t going to like it and I’m not even sure whether you will help so I’m establishing that I need help first, rather than showing you Gabriel immediately, so that you aren’t completely surprised when I present the whole problem to you.

Once they go to the bookshop and Crowley is confronted with Gabriel he offers the help he feels able to give by saying that he’ll drive Gabriel somewhere and dump him. He’s stating his willingness to help (which is important later), but for now he’ll only help in one specific way. What he isn’t willing to do is any more than that, not even for Aziraphale.

Help me take care of Gabriel. Help me sort this mess out, Aziraphale says, and what does Crowley say? No. Absolutely not. You’re on your own with this one. Even after Aziraphale practically begs him for help, complete with puppy dog eyes and the magic word, “I’d love you to help me,” Crowley still says no. That is not the reply of someone who lets themselves be walked all over or who rolls over every time the angel they’re in love with flutters their eyelashes.

Okay so what about the fact that he returns? Well, the stakes have been raised: for a start Aziraphale is now directly in danger, which alters the balance in favour of helping him, and remember he was already willing to help, he said as much, but he was previously only willing to help in one way. Now that’s changed. Doing things you wouldn’t normally do for someone you love when the stakes are raised is a perfectly normal rection in a relationship and does not indicate an unhealthy dynamic. Crowley has now realised that getting rid of Gabriel is no longer an option - his preferred plan (dumping Gabriel somewhere) will no longer work, so the only choice is now Aziraphale’s plan of keeping him in the bookshop and taking care of him.

This is why he returns.

A quick note on the call

Just backtracking a bit here – when Aziraphale calls Crowley to ask him for help Crowley agrees to be over in two minutes. It’s instant, no questions asked and at first glance looks like Aziraphale calls and Crowley comes running just because. But nope. Later we are very clearly told that Crowley knows something is wrong the moment he picks up the phone and Aziraphale starts speaking, “This was your ‘Something’s Wrong’ voice.” Crowley already knows there’s a problem and what do you do when your closest friend calls you and tells you about a problem? You try to help. Whether that’s advice, comfort, physically going around to help out or whatever the situation calls for. Of course Crowley says he’ll be there in two minutes, he doesn’t exactly have anything else on and his friend has just indirectly told him something is wrong. He’d be a pretty shitty person/entity if he didn’t agree to drop round and try to help.

So what about the 'I was wrong' dance?

This whole interaction, that many people say indicates how under the thumb he is actually shows us the exact opposite. What’s the first thing Crowley says when Aziraphale asks him to do the dance? “I don’t do the dance.” This tells us a hell of a lot about their relationship dynamic up to this point – for a start Aziraphale has clearly done the dance before, at Crowley’s request, and he lists off the occasions. The dance is silly and slightly demeaning and Aziraphale has done it several times for Crowley, whilst Crowley has never done it, yet somehow we read this whole scene as Crowley being the whipped one? Um. No. Also heavily implied in Crowley’s, “I don’t do the dance” statement is, You’ve asked me to do this before, I’ve always said no because I don’t want to. You’ve always accepted my no before and I want (expect!) you to accept it this time.

But this time Aziraphale doesn’t accept the no. Just like Crowley wouldn’t go along with his plan earlier, Aziraphale now won’t go along with Crowley’s no. Clearly he has done so in the past, but this time their dynamics are different. They’ve been much more open about their friendship for the past four years, they’ve both accepted that they are at least close friends, if not more. They’ve saved the world together and saved each other. They both acknowledge they “carved (this existence) out for ourselves” and that brings strength to their relationship. Now that Aziraphale has more confidence in what they are to each other, he takes that confidence and tests the limits of what Crowley will do for him, to push them more towards equality. Why should he always be the one to do the dance? Crowley responds by acquiescing not because he would just roll over and do anything for Aziraphale but because he recognises three things. Firstly that Aziraphale is pushing and that this is new and that this means something to him in the context of their relationship, secondly because he reluctantly accepts Aziraphale’s point that it isn’t really fair that he never does it, and finally because the request for him to do the dance isn’t about him refusing to help (Aziraphale was never certain he would), it’s about the fact that he’s broken Aziraphale’s trust by refusing to help (which is a slightly and very subtly different thing). To illustrate this, right before Crowley does the dance, just after he says “fine,” he gets this very brief, soft look on his face – this is him acknowledging to himself that Aziraphale deserves this dance, that he loves the angel and that he’s doing this because of both those things – he could have continued to insist on a no, he clearly has before, but this time he chooses not to.

I will do this thing for you because I love you and I enjoy making you happy and this is something I feel I can give to you.

All right, what about the car thing?

What about it? Lending your car to the person you love is very normal. Ok so the car means more to Crowley than a normal car does to us, but the point still stands. Aziraphale is making a reasonable request here. Does he expect a yes? Absolutely, because he also knows it’s a reasonable request given where their relationship is. Does he flirt to get his own way? Hell, yes. Does Crowley know exactly what Aziraphale is playing at? Also a hell yes. And Crowley totally plays up to it, he’s not as opposed to it as he claims. He’s playing up his “no” and his grumpiness for effect, to encourage Aziraphale’s silly flirtiness. Look at the difference between this no and the no he gave Aziraphale earlier. There’s no anger here, there’s no real sense that he thinks Aziraphale is asking too much, he’s playing a role in their relationship and they’ve both played this game before. Look at that little slap of the hand, which Aziraphale responds to equally playfully. The game even continues after Muriel turns up at the shop, when it’s already quite clear that Crowley is going to let Aziraphale use the car (he’s already taking the plants out). Even in the back-room Crowley still teasingly grumbles about trains whilst Aziraphale smiles flirtily, and Crowley playfully withholds the car keys when Muriel interrupts them. They both know Aziraphale is going to end up with them, there’s no point to him not directly handing them over in spite of the interruption, it’s just an excuse to tease Aziraphale back. I mean, look at him – he spends the rest of the conversation wiggling his hips, grinning smugly and confidently handling the Muriel problem by talking about love. Aziraphale’s very overt reaction tells you all you need to know about the dynamic of this one.

Two can play at this flirting game, angel.

But he follows him around like a little puppy!

Well, yes and no. Sure he follows him around whilst he goes around asking all the shopkeepers to the meeting, but he does that because it’s fun for him. He’s curious, Aziraphale is acting oddly, doing something he’s never done before and Crowley wants to know what it is. He’s always found him fascinating – what silly and ridiculous thing is the angel up to now?

Also wanting to hang out with the person you are in love with isn’t at all strange or a sign you are in some sort of weird relationship where only one of you calls the shots. It’s normal. Crowley knows Aziraphale has a tendency to be silly or do unexpected things and he wants to watch him do them and also flirt with him whilst he’s doing them. Looking grumpy and reacting to Aziraphale’s silliness with disbelief is how Crowley flirts-without-flirting. Both of them know, understand and like that dynamic, and he has that role not because he’s unhealthy levels enthralled with everything Aziraphale does but because of the levels of trust they have spent millennia establishing.

What Crowley doesn’t do is wait around for Aziraphale. Look at the scene where Aziraphale daydreams about Job. In that scene he’s aware Aziraphale has something else to show him (the record clue), but he doesn’t stick around whilst Aziraphale ignores him. He could have sat down somewhere in the shop and waited – he’s got an eternity, waiting an hour or so is no big deal, but waiting around like that would suggest he really is a doormat, just waiting for the next time Aziraphale shows him any attention. He doesn’t do that, instead he goes off and does… well, something. There’s a lot of speculation over what it is, but whether he goes off to read Pride and Prejudice or just wanders off to find something more interesting to look at than the back of Aziraphale’s head, he’s clearly saying here that he has a life outside of whatever Aziraphale wants to do.

Also side note - you know what else he doesn’t do for Aziraphale? Adjust his driving style. Aziraphale clearly hates it, it makes him nervous and he even asks Crowley to change several times whilst they’re in the car together, but Crowley never does. This is how I am angel, accept it or don’t, but this is the line and I’m not changing this for you. Related to this is his refusal to accept Aziraphale altering the Bentley. Aziraphale tries to persuade him, “But it’s pretty,” and Crowley really isn’t having it. It’s another hard line and he’s not going to let Aziraphale cross it.

Anything else?

There’s a few other examples that I’ve seen listed in the, “Crowley does whatever Aziraphale says/wants” evidence piles. Things like Aziraphale assuming he’s going to get the drinks in the pub. Well, someone has to get them, and it makes perfect sense that they both assume it’s Crowley here because he’s the one more comfortable with pubs. Having a role that you take on within certain situations in a relationship is healthy and normal, imagine how exhausting it would be to debate who is going to do every little thing all of the time.

In the first series the coat cleaning is another example often cited, but this is something Crowley is perfectly happy to do. Aziraphale is flirting, which is delightful, and he’s not being asked to do anything difficult or dangerous. I will do this thing for you because I love you and I enjoy making you happy and this is something I feel I can give to you, which is totally different from, you always ask, I always give, and you always take.

What about Aziraphale. When does he give?

All the damn time. We just don’t notice it as much because Crowley asks different things of him. His love language is acts of service towards others, but he doesn’t really ask or require them in return. Sometimes he gets them from Aziraphale anyway (Holy water anyone?) Also notably in the Globe Theatre when he’s clearly the one pushing the Arrangement, and Aziraphale more or less agrees to do his work for him (“That doesn’t sound like hard work”) even before he’s asked, before they’ve gone through their little dance of Crowley pushing and Aziraphale supposedly-reluctantly agreeing.

The other things Aziraphale gives Crowley are much more nuanced, and much less measurable to us as the audience, but he gives them constantly, or more or less constantly, throughout their relationship. He gives him acceptance (although he occasionally partially withdraws it, such as in the bandstand scene), his silliness (which is more important than it first appears), a safe space (not just the bookshop, but also a safe space for Crowley to air his real views without fear of consequence, which is important irrespective of whether or not he persuades Aziraphale to agree with him), his physicality (by 1826 he’s really in Crowley’s space so much of the time) and most importantly he gives Crowley himself. Crowley constantly pushes Aziraphale to grow as a person, it’s one of the original reasons he entertains developing a friendship with him. What he asks of Aziraphale is for Aziraphale to think – really think – about what he believes. And Aziraphale does so, but only for Crowley. Humans have constantly questioned religious beliefs throughout history, they’ve written books, made speeches and even had wars over religious doctrine and the problems, inconsistencies and absurdities within it. Crowley is saying nothing to Aziraphale that he won’t already have indirectly heard from humans and dismissed or ignored. But when Crowley says it, he thinks and he changes. That’s what Crowley asks of Aziraphale and it’s what Aziraphale gives him.

What was the point of all this waffle?

Well, honestly there isn’t much of one. Only that their relationship is much more balanced than some suggest and I think I just wanted to spell that out. It also has an implication for the final 15 minutes. There’s no way Aziraphale goes into that with some sort of fake confidence that he can persuade Crowley to follow him to heaven simply because Crowley always follows him – Crowley doesn’t, he has very clear limits that he enforces with Aziraphale and Aziraphale knows this. He might feel confident for other reasons (such as thinking Crowley will be happy to be an angel again) or something else entirely different might be happening (so many theories!) but I’m pretty sure it’s nothing to do with thinking Crowley always does what he asks, because he very clearly doesn’t.

It's also why Crowley waits around afterwards to watch Aziraphale leave. It’s a way indirectly of saying one final time, I love you and I enjoy making you happy… but this is something I cannot give to you.

[seventh-fantasy]

li xiangyi, yin, and femininity

we all know that li xiangyi is a character of fractured identities. and li lianhua is an unreliable narrator to his own story. these make him not the most straightforward character to study. but I've believed in treating li lianhua as a part of li xiangyi, rather than separates. and there must be a common thread that ties all of him together. thus, I offer what I have found to be the most useful lens to use to view him as a cohesive whole, regardless as li xiangyi, li lianhua, or any other identity he may reinvent into: his 阴 yin qualities. (yin of yinyang)

this framework suggested by the drama's text itself has helped clarify to me his strengths, weaknesses, motivations, and struggles. by identifying this constant, too, makes it so much easier talking about what has changed in him.

[to the, hopefully growing, boli lhl hivemind @markiafc @ananeiah]

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there are some notes on the concept of yinyang and chinese conceptualisation of gender I have to preface with.

[disclaimer: of course, I'm not even trying to cover a tip of what experts have extensively studied and debated in a depth it deserves. all I'm doing is try to parse the broad, fundamental ideas that are needed to explain my blorbos through my own spotty brain filter. so there bound to be nuances I've overlooked or some degree of my own interpretation. pretentious but needs to be done.]

阴 yin and 阳 yang are concepts characterised by passiveness, darkness, gentleness, femininity etc, and proactivity, light, toughness, masculinity etc respectively. a very key and handy concept to have in mind is their relationship to each other - which I'll not attempt at explaining better than literal scholars have:

Yin and yang exist only in relation to one another internally as the way warmth-coldness only exist relative to one another. Furthermore, when using yin-yang as an organizational schema, achieving balancing harmony is always the goal, not domination nor subordination of one to the other. [x]

while yin and yang can be symbols of femininity and masculinity, it doesn't mean all female are yin and all male are yang. it's certainly not a strict 1-to-1 equation. the concept of gender in chinese context is more social than biological. this suggests room for fluidity, and shaping of identities, often through social rituals as one journeys through life. it also means that there can be femininity in the masculine, and vice versa - in fact, that's only healthy because you need a good balance of the two worlds. no one part is better than the other. if you think of the two components as relative to each other, they are always interacting and affecting each other, rather than being strict and inert binaries. simply put, it needs to be kept in mind that there are greater nuances in applying yin and yang to the definitions of gender, and to avoid at all cost a simplification of this framework into a binary.

sure, the show has implied that lxy's powers and energy are yin-coded. but femininity is only one of the multiple attributes of yin. so how are we extending lxy's yin to femininity specifically? it's in the text that substantiates and qualifies lxy as feminine. dead women being used as proxies to his character. being literally dressed as a woman in order to put himself into their shoes and feel what they've felt. adopting a name that happens to be very, very feminine - 莲花 lianhua (lit. lotus flower) (it must be caveated that chinese names are NOT gendered. but there are just some names that are more feminine than others.) him coming to lead a life revolving around traditionally feminine, domestic things as li lianhua. him having interactions with the women around him like he's in his own element - no pressure and tension at all, unlike with all the other men.

as such, I'm more willing to use yin and femininity interchangeably in discussing lxy (while it's not necessarily applicable to every point that will be mentioned albeit there being some degree of implied association). and it's for the sake of elucidating what I feel is an intention or very plausible reading of the canon text in parsing feminine experiences in lxy's character. and thus, his queerness.

one last note is that taoism is going be mentioned quite a bit as well because of how much it as a philosophy honours the yin quality. its key tenets include valuing passiveness and inaction as a form of action, and submitting to the nature of things. and we will see how those come up in lxy's life too. (though I'm not gonna attempt to deep dive into it here beyond broad strokes of it.)

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a huge part of li xiangyi's yin actually manifests in him being a passive person. this applies not just to li lianhua, but also li xiangyi. I know. ok wait hear me out. the idea of yinyang is after all components that can change and are relational to each other: thus, there were points in li xiangyi's life when he was less passive than other points, but they ultimately don't match up to the degree of aggression displayed by other men around him. so relative to their display of proactivity and aggression, he can be considered as passive. the best example is that of shan gudao proposing to launch an offensive on jinyuan alliance, while lxy - as much as he was arrogant about it - was standing his ground on not taking action in favour of peace.

it has already showed up in his childhood as well. he wasn't a particularly competitive child: 从来都没有谁要和你争 nobody has ever thought of competing with you over anything, he told sgd as he recalled of their times growing up. it was in fact sgd who was desperate to control and override lxy's presence. baby lxy did not hesitate at all over giving up on winning in favour of protecting his only rare few close relationships left in the world (given how hard-earned relationships are when they're non-familial !!!!). as much as I resent the one-dimensional writing of sgd, he has served as a very strong marker to highlight on lxy's yin.

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I've harped on it several times before but this is the time I finally get to explain it proper: my own theory is that li xiangyi became an unparalleled swordsmaster because of his yin/feminine quality, not in spite of it. an interesting point that had been out in the open unclaimed until it was brought up in our friend group is that, li xiangyi does not actually fit anybody's conventional image of a 武林盟主 wulin mengzhu (ie. ruler of wulin). it would most likely have been some burly, muscular, ultra-masculine dude. even if they don't look like the demonic monk, it should be someone more like di feisheng. but. it's li xiangyi, the boyish, delicate-looking kid, who came to the top. (no wonder people - mostly men - love or love to bully hate him like weak men hate powerful women??)

"why didn't they cast someone who looks more like a wulin mengzhu (read: traditionally manly)?" no, no that's precisely the point. nobody said wulin mengzhu have to look manly. and also who is to define the manliness required to be in a place of authority? (or in my other meta, we would ask, who is to define anybody gets to have the authority over anyone else at all?)

by taoist ideal, gentleness is the most refined form of strength. li xiangyi has been haunting and distracting me in my chinese calligraphy practices lately because I'm thinking about how this must be the closest to what it felt like lxy becoming the best swordsman in jianghu. (so pretentiously brainrotten of me, I know, BUT IT'S REAL and I'm suffering.) mastering a chinese art is essentially about mastering a delicate balance between force and gentleness; being able to draw force from softness 柔中带刚 and an ability to maintain this balance. a beginner will instinctively hold a brush for the first time with brute, unrefined force. some fairly reputable contemporary calligraphers, according to my teacher, can be seen as being either too soft or too forceful - but are still able to pass off as good enough. it's then, the master of masters who will have the sophistication of a firm yet flexible control of the brush with the appropriate use of gentleness/laxness that produces a harmony of strokes. this idea extends to any other sort of chinese craft or practice including traditional chinese medicine, and I believe, swordsmanship too. I'm taking a fucking leap of faith here to say this because I practise NO sort of (chinese) martial arts, I must caveat. (someone who does may want to say something...) but theoretically that should be how it works.

it is not for no rhyme or reason, or *handwaves* that lxy emerged to the top AND is almost undefeatable. among a competitive, forceful (ie. yang) wulin, li xiangyi stood out with a power and energy defined by yin (ie. gentleness and stability) that led him to create his signature 扬州慢 yangzhouman. it is characterised by 慢 slowness (my calligraphy teacher says to us all the time to take it slow), and also described by dfs as 中正绵长 - which I would best describe by painting a picture of a steady and stable stream. these precisely speak of the essence of a mastery of gentleness as strength to me.

conversely, dfs's way in mastering power is very largely premised on taking action because he literally had no other choice in the environment he grew up in. both of them develop in opposite ways. it was the case of gentleness for lxy clearly because he grew up in a safe, nurturing environment that had allowed him to be slow and steady at his own pace, drawing on his natural gifts.

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now top of the wulin world at 17, li xiangyi founds sigu sect. li xiangyi, the boy before becoming menzhu and li xiangyi the leader of sigu sect are not the same.

how then did a (relatively) passive boy like lxy end up founding sigu sect. this lxy is the one who was fostered into competition - though not in an abusive, twisted way. in fact he was raised in a rather taoist way by his shifu: to be honest with yourself and respect your opponent. so he honoured whatever powers he had been bestowed with by nature. he gives into it. even so, at another level, I just have a sense that shifu and shiniang's competitive marital spat had an insidious effect on the boys...though the detrimental effect was more on sgd than lxy. baby lxy feels like a sweet-natured kid who was just in his own zone, you know - some (aka sgd) would say, too much of him even, to have not realised what was wrong at all with his shixiong for years.

that's not all of course. I've always gotten the vibes that his attitude behind forming sigu sect felt more like, this is what all the good men of jianghu do and I will have to do it now especially that I'm the best. it didn't feel particularly personal to me, but rather what would have been expected of him by the social climate of wulin jianghu (eg. lxy saying to 光耀师门 bring honour to his teacher). it's definitely not an expectation from his shifu, who explicitly told him that he was never expected to become a noble figure of any sort, but just to be alive and contented. as concluded by the man himself as li lianhua: "有些人入了江湖是为了立心，而有的人入江湖为的是立命。我却不知道自己真正想要的是什么。some people enter jianghu for the cultivation of the mind, others for a cultivation of a meaningful life. but I never knew what I truly wanted." he was ultimately, unwittingly a passive player in his own story of becoming the great sigu sect leader.

(at this point, as a side note, I do wonder if there were any other similar sects or alliances that function the same as sigu sect that came before it. because I'm damn well sure there must be something, as likely as there must have been generations of wulin legends who came before lxy. but of course, this is not what the story is concerned with at all and I'm ok with that.)

it's crucial to point out that, even despite this being the phase of his yang in the display of taking action and enacting firmness, lxy had still done sigu sect with the sole purpose and manner of upkeeping peace and order (in the way of the pro-universal love, anti-aggression mohist 侠 xia leader of the people). he's still very characterised by yin in my books, especially when vis-à-vis to sgd.

a li xiangyi full of himself and made himself too useful to the people was only bound for a great asteroidal fall, in the concept of 物极必反 - or in taoist lexicon 反者道之动 (ie. anything that has reached its limit will only start developing in the opposite direction). if you think you're above all, you can only go down.

this manifests during the next time he took action - and it was one so forceful that it overpowered even his opponent, dfs who ended up being the passive, receiving party in this case - was in initiating the battle at donghai 10 years ago... and gee oh boy. it didn't end well - for both of them, but even more so for lxy. (dfs was like 'tis but a scratch (shrugs)' as compared to him being ripped off his tendons by jiao liqiao like nezha did to the dragon prince. truth is he had to go into a 10-year healing retreat served by his entourage. :p) ok, I digress.

xiao zijin was quick to attribute sigu sect's fall to lxy's arrogance - in turn setting the stage for lxy's 10 years of self-hatred and the framing of lxy as a villain? irresponsible figure? by jianghu. (god forbid girls do anything! ok for legal reasons, this a joke.) lxy lost his mind in ways I believe he never had in his life there and then upon seeing his shixiong dead. so, you could say he led the jianghu world to ruins out of love (using this term loosely). but it feels inaccurate to say it's due to arrogance. he did not do that out of self-importance or ego, especially when the revenge for sgd was a collective decision made by sigu sect as we know from the flashback. so when llh pinned all fault on himself for being arrogant in the past, it is with caution to take his words because that's the unreliable narrator in him speaking.

-

anyway, it's precisely li xiangyi that is capable of bouncing back from such a fatal crisis, equipped with his yin and a mastery that gave him the power of flexibility.

it's extremely vital to re-establish that literally the only thing that was keeping li xiangyi alive, physically, as li lianhua is yangzhouman. (monk wuliao literally said that to lxy even though he did facilitate in saving him.) it's the yangzhouman that was drawn from lxy's mastery of yin. without yangzhouman, li xiangyi would not even have the chance to become li lianhua and undergo any needed process of transformation. without li xiangyi, there would have been no yangzhouman. no li xiangyi, no li lianhua, get it?

the point is not to deny the change li xiangyi wants to make and has made. but to acknowledge that change isn't about complete erasure and destruction. something from you survives. something in you had kept you alive to have you come so far, regardless of all the bad bits that you want to denounce of. you've always been worth it.

bringing back the thing about his new name: the distinction must be made that he did not pick it because it was feminine but it just so happened a feminine name had resonated with him. (read: he didn't necessarily identify as a woman but identified with femininity. at least within the parameters of canon text.)

he also made an interesting choice to retain his surname for someone who was desperate to sever ties from his past. hmm. or maybe he wasn't that desperate? when li lianhua says li xiangyi is dead, I believe it meant that li xiangyi the sigumen menzhu is dead rather than li xiangyi as an entirety. li lianhua is a returning to the path lxy could have gone if he did not establish sigu sect, the path that shifu wanted him to take. when he walked to the doors of sigu sect in the aftermath, nothing was actually stopping him from going back (people were still around and alive, instead of all dead people, you know)... except for himself. taking that action would have been too much for him. so he went with the flow of life giving him a chance at rebirth and walked away. there, inaction as a form of action.

zhan yunfei and qiao wanmian have said to li lianhua, oh that doesn't sound like li xiangyi at all. but has it been considered that, maybe it was sigu sect's lxy who wasn't the real lxy? sigu sect lxy was one big performance of the values of masculinity and heteronormativity that llh had came to an awareness of, and eventually struggle with again and resist against in the final year of his life. there had only been some glimpses of his true nature allowed (validated by fang duobing talking about lxy at his altar).

imho, most flashbacks of lxy during that period felt impersonal and more like a template of a hero expected to marry his girl at 18. going through all the motions and steps of a normative life even before he was old enough to grasp and explore his own identity and what it meant in the world. no wonder he denounced so much of what he had done as lxy including liking girls. walking away then also meant a walk away from those duties and expectations. li lianhua is li xiangyi liberated from masculine duties and heteronormative performance.

in doing that, he had the opportunity for the first time in his life to explore what he truly wanted, at least within the parameters of what he could afford to do at that point. he could go on to build a domestic, feminine life within the space of jianghu (as I've established here). it's a kind of feminine lifestyle that doesn't quite exist in mainstream society - being a woman there meant to stay put in a domestic space without much room to move socially. nor did it exist in wulin jianghu because even the women there like shi-guniang and jlq were expected to be masculine, aggressive, competitive. so building a mobile home in the space of jianghu is his way of defining the life he wants and can have. li lianhua is the extension of femininity in li xiangyi - and one that can be free.

it's also worth talking about in my opinion what is one of the most important and a favourite dihua moment: when dfs said to lxy that his greatest weakness was to like being a hero. and a swordsman should be without weaknesses. I'm forever wrapped up in how many layers this can be read in. was he mad at lxy for liking to be a hero or having weaknesses, or both? if the former, it was dfs criticising, based on lxy's public reputation, lxy's oversized illusions about being a hero - a figure of masculinity with an unrealistic sense to uphold noble goals eg. saving the world etc. that is actually perfectly logical coming from dfs, the straightforward, no-nonsense, morally neutral guy with no illusions about heroism (in this case, he feels more like a yin). but at the same time, we should understand that lxy's motivations behind the donghai battle are more personal than noble. if any, it was actually the opposite of noble - it was like he was acting out of the role of a caretaker of his family, and at a cost of the peace and order of jianghu he was set on guarding(!!) dfs also knew that lxy was there just for his shixiong. and so, dfs, who happens to be the epitome of yang, can be read as a symbol of masculinity disapproving of lxy for being sentimental and emotional; for having the "feminine" desires to simply want to defend his family (not saying those are exclusively feminine traits but they have been conventionally associated as feminine). I think both layers of reading are correct and should work together to contribute to the complexity of their characters. (we can see how it contributes to lxy and dfs being the perfect yinyang halves to each other, which I will come back to briefly touch on later.)

-

for 10 years he lived a life of seclusion and staying-in-his-own-lane a taoist would be proud of. he knew he was dying and has always been ok with dying, as he claimed. but did he want to die? to think of it, it was the opposite. because in those 10 years when he could have 100% just taken action to take his own life, he didn't. in fact, he lived on and took care of himself in the way shifu wanted him to. he had simply preferred letting nature run its course. if bicha didn't take him, he wasn't gonna do anything. but if he died one day very soon, he would be ok with it too. sure, he was maybe banking on a lead to sgd's whereabouts to appear during his last years alive but that clearly wasn't the only thing on his mind for NINE years because he didn't actively go out seeking for that either. this is basically him telling dfs that he would just lie in the sun and wait for the sweet release of death, if dfs were to force him to fight. not even the mortal threat from dfs was enough to move him into action of fighting back or killing himself.

time and again, lxy as llh was dragged into fdb's cases but not only that, he also maintained an impersonal distance with them. it's starkly different from the usual (wuxia) hero archetypes (for eg. fdb) who would be more impassioned and personally invested in the plight of the victims- or unlike most seemingly aloof protagonists who would somehow grow emotionally invested over time. one of the many things I love about llh is that he never tries a second time to persuade people out of their decisions he finds unwise (eg. him just wanting to move on in response to the girls in 女宅 insisting on staying behind with their slave master at first.) he will not interfere in other people's choices made in their own lives. it's not his business. he didn't even want to be there, to be honest.

however as the story progresses, more and more people - especially men, his past, and the leads to the truth came back to demand and taunt him into doing something. they vary from well-meaning people without any harm intended such as fdb intruding upon his private space completely uninvited and qwm wanting him back; to dfs merely seeking him as a mean to an end initially (eg. I only need him to live long enough to have one last fight); and finally, on the other end of the spectrum, outright aggressive and hostile people like sgd and xzj who wanted him to die. under all this pressure, he tried his best to deflect, but he does waver especially when it comes to matters concerning the people he cares about aka his obsession wish of 10 years of looking for sgd's remains that had lied low until fdb entered his life, and then later on taking revenge for his shifu.

looking for sgd became his final bid at taking action. he was operating on a slim chance of getting some emotional closure from finding out his shixiong is dead for real, yes. what a good plan. but objectively unnecessary. or surprise! uhhh...finding out his beloved shixiong is actually alive and would strangle him for one corn chip? AND OH NO IT GOT WORSE- uncovering a devastating truth about his shifu's death that he could have totally gone on with life fine without knowing if he had continued not caring.

but it is sometimes just impossible not to care - it is only human to care. and he is human, not an icon in the image of a hero. so he took a chance, once more, and it killed him in unprecedented ways. it's donghai all over again. things in life don't go as planned. you fuck around and it fucks you back. finding out the truth behind his shifu's death and his family background from the past did nothing for him as li lianhua living in the present.

it's no wonder that this lxy decisively relinquishes the desire to take action in the end. he goes back to letting nature run its course. and this time, stands firmly to it despite everyone begging him otherwise. wangchuan flower could only give him a recovery (or survival?) rate of 30%. there's a 70% chance of failure and even in the 30% he was not sure what he was to become. in comparison, dfs took a 10% chance game of survival in a heartbeat, and it pushed him to new heights. that's how they differ: he thrives by taking risks and action while lxy the other way round. so, something like that has happened before and he wants none of it again.

-

he leaves lotus tower, only taking his horse and a sack - relinquishing almost every other material belonging he had - and sets off on a journey. before xzj interrupted...where to was he going?? I wonder. we don't know for sure, I think? and are we allowed to know? that makes the scene he had with xzj an understated inflection point in the very last part of his journey. yes, he was already on his way to...maybe die? but not necessarily. you don't have to travel distances with your belongings for that, right? or speak to dfs personally about not wanting to fight? (borrowing one of @ananeiah's takes.) regardless, he was definitely leaving behind jianghu - not only wulin jianghu (he already did that 10 years ago), but also the jianghu space he had carved out in the last 10 years.

what sparked the decision to jump off the cliff in him was dfs's words from the night of their wedding 10th donghai anniversary: 横扫天下容易，断相夷太剑不易 conquering the world is easy, breaking xiangyi sword is not. in the original context, dfs was talking about defeating lxy being harder than conquering the world. but when it came to this scene, it was to lxy about forsaking the very last worldly possessions he had after already giving up on lotus tower and hulijing (including releasing his horse), especially his only connection left to swordsman lxy.

perhaps it had dawned on him that, wanting things at all was bad for him. in the last 10 years, he lived a life of seclusion, wanting very little. but he had still wanted things. there were still things he couldn't let go of that had led him to this state. despite having lived on an identity inspired by a buddhist teaching for 10 years, maybe it was only at this point that he was finally the closest to reaching an understanding of it. (I wish I was knowledgeable enough right now to dive into the possible buddhist reading here but alas. I'll leave it to our resident expert @markiafc)

it doesn't quite matter in the end where he was going after all. what mattered was that he literally went where the water took him and we're not supposed to know where it ends. I'm not seeing this in a bad and pessimistic way though. I think the relief in all this is that he had tried his best to within his abilities. also it's a form of enlightenment in relinquishing a desire, an obsession, a need to take any more action in order to live well. thus his ending felt to me relatively tender, empowering, and kind - albeit bittersweet and heartaching - than other possible kinds of ending, in a story where it was very possible for him to have died under the knives of his opponents or bicha at any moment, outside of his control.

-

if you've come so far in this post, congratulations! but also a reveal is that... you're not immune to the dihua propaganda threaded throughout this post. :P

as mentioned, other men like sgd and xzj in lxy's life were incredibly hostile to him. their yang nature overwhelmingly powers his yin. but dfs is different. dfs is the yang counterpart that fits perfectly to his yin.

dfs's yang is one that contains yin, that mirrors lxy's balance of yang in yin. it was suggested in text they are yinyang-coded meant to complement each other, given that whenever wangchuan flower's yin vs yang properties were discussed, the two men were always spoken about in the same breath. more importantly, as with the above few analyses of dfs's words playing a big role in shaping of lxy's choices with multiple meanings - as well as their day-to-day interactions - we can see that they constantly play off each other.

dfs's yang energy has been used to help lxy prolong his life (though not saving him entirely), while lxy has used his yin energy to save dfs and subsequently helped him attain his breakthrough. dfs has also helped lxy in his breakthrough of yin but not in the same way as dfs's cultivation of his combative powers, and rather, it's for lxy an understanding of his own path to take in life - a cultivation of the mind (both times 10 years before and after). given how significant dfs is in the shaping of lxy's realisation of the yin path - alike his shifu has, it's no wonder that they were the only two people lxy had imagined in his last sword dance of a farewell to jianghu.

with each of them coming together to form the perfect yin-yang model, they're a harmony of yin and yang representing the cosmos. what I also love is that they didn't start out as a perfect fit, but only towards the end of the story was the harmonisation completed, which makes sense for two components that are always in a flux influencing each other. the fact that they were number 1 and 2 of wulin, and being the only ones capable of understanding each other in a level nobody else could... it all reinforces the cosmic sense of their relationship. they're the halves to a whole, fitting in a specific way nobody else can.

(I mean. technically this is going into the space of extrapolation based on a tangential interpretation of canon text, so do take it with a pinch of salt. but of course this pinch of salt can do wonders for a shipper's feast... :P and this certainly could have been a meta of its own expanding on dfs's side of the analysis, but this is it for now in this context.)

-

to think of it, li xiangyi has actually died more than that one time that turned him into li lianhua. first was a death of him as a nanyin royalty - I resent having to bring up nanyin like it should hold any weight to the narrative as far as I'm concerned, but the point being that he had a completely different (familial-based) life before that still stands. then he had a rebirth as li xiangyi, disciple and swordsman to his shifu and shiniang, and later died again when li xiangyi the sigu sect leader took over. lxy the sigu sect leader died at sea in the battle 10 years ago and came back as li lianhua. (just like nezha, died after battling at east sea and rebirthed from the lotus) li lianhua then dies by the end of the drama.

there can be a myriad of interpretations as to what exactly happened to him, including the possibility that he's still alive. regardless, we can agree that li lianhua as an identity has ran its course, and he had to evolve again. but into what form?

in the line of thought of yin and femininity, and how his transformation has been in an increasing degree of presentation of femininity - even way back when I was watching the show, I had the idea of him living socially as a woman post-li lianhua. I don't know what he would be realistically doing or what could be practical for him in such an identity. but conceptually it was sensible and compelling to me before diving deeper into the details. (I have more elaboration to do on this that I won't be talking about here publicly but it is in the same strain of idea as this other comparative meta I wrote.)

I think the next possible identity lxy can assume - alive in the material realm or not - is one that will be beyond a material being. a nameless entity. once you've gone through the phases of life - from not knowing to knowing, and perfecting knowledge, then to the surpassing of knowledge - you surpass all worldly existence, and become one with the cosmos.

I end this off with an excerpt from Tao Te Ching's Chapter 41 (I'm not pretending to have read the whole book ok but I couldn't resist including this):

明道若昧，进道若退，夷道若纇 [...] 道隐无名 The bright path seems dim; Going forward seems like retreat; The easy way seems hard [...] The Tao is hidden and without name. (x)

the character translated into "easy" is the same 夷 yi of li xiangyi's name. somehow this seems to encapsulate the journey of his life: one that seems blessed and smooth-sailing but ending up to be rocky and turbulent. but at the end of the day, after all that he had been through, he will become hidden and without name.

[stellar-mop]

The Coffin of Andy and Leyley has me thinking about gender and gender roles a lot. I know other people have done more in-depth analysis of this, but I'm just gonna throw my thoughts out into the void of tumblr (the void is welcome to yell back, just be nice please)

I think one of the things that makes these characters fascinating especially for me as a vaguely-agender nonbinary person is like the places I can see where their gender is impacting their interactions and choices. Like changing the gender of the characters would fundamentally change their story and personality (love y'all's genderswap AUs tho, this is not an objection).

Something I'm not sure how to articulate super well is how the game interacts with like neurodivergence gender stereotypes. On the surface level they line up with the "women are emotional and men aren't allowed to show feelings" set of gender stereotypes. But I think there's another layer if you look at it through the lens of how societal pressures around mental illness and gender intersect especially in like school-aged kids/teens. Like Andrew being the "easy child" and Ashley being... Ashley. In not-particularly-nuanced terms: "boy" neurodivergence shows as acting out and being a problem child (which Ashley does), and "girl" neurodivergence gets hidden via masking and passivity (which Andrew does). I think it's neat that this is contrary to societal expectations - like this would be a very different story if Andrew was a pushy chaotic mess and Ashley was apathetic but seething under the surface. Because gender! What's even up with that?

Less sfw thoughts under the cut, including some coffincest stuff. Warnings for unhealthy relationships and attitudes towards sex:

The way Ashley and the mom talk about sex is fascinating. I've read some really good analyses on here about Ashley thinking about sex as transactional and I think she gets that from her mom. In that one scene ("you fuck her") the mom asks Andrew something like "what does she give you to make it worth it?" Like, the only reason she can think of for why Andrew wants to spend time with Ashley is sex. That says a lot about the mom as a person (also wow she really does see zero value in Ashley as a person wtf), and probably the way Ashley was raised to think about sex. And that's a very gendered (like cishet women specifically) view of sex. Like sex in a relationship as something to be tolerated, and for Ashley "another way to keep him around".

But I'm also wondering about the flip side of that, like is the mom only tolerating the dad for sex? Because I don't really get the impression that she likes him very much, but they textually have a very active sex life. If so, this is also sort of counter to societal gender roles/expectations. I really don't like the parents but they're such fascinating characters too.

I guess my point with all this is like we got distracted by the cannibalism and murder and incest and demon summoning, but there's some really neat and subtle stuff about gender in here that I want to talk about too! It's just so well written there's so much depth

*slaps roof of game* this bad boy can fit so much dysfunction!

[nonbinarypirat]

Hiii I love your Iruma-kun analyses!! And since you're open to questions I wanted to ask, what do you think about Kirio and his relationship with Iruma and his ambitions?

damn, i knew someone would ask this LOL. im going to try my hardest to answer this but full disclosure, i have autism and for me, kiriro is a very difficult character to understand because of his morals (or lack there of?) and personality. For me, it's hard to understand people/characters that don't seem to be fully truthful. He's not a fav of mine (im sorry, i know people like him but i can't fully get into him at this moment. maybe if we see him interact more with baal's group.). So i'll try my best! (also i hope yall are ok with frequent posting, i am currently on winter break from college so i have nothing better to do but hyperfixate on this series lol)

Okay, so I think kirio is deeply in love and lust with iruma. I think it's farily obvious he is deeply interested in seeing iruma's "look of despair" in a attracted way, the manga calls him out for being a pervert about it. For Kiriro, Iruma is one of the first characters (besides his childhood friend of course) to ever really be nice to him. He was a friend to him and even if he wasn't being fully truthful with Iruma (like about his true motivations to getting rid of ranks) he did trust iruma with deeply personal information about himself. I think from there is where the obessesion began. Because then, he started to seeing them as kindred spirits who (similarly) went through deeply traumatic experiences in their childhoods, weaker than most, and similar personalities. For the first time, it was like he was being seen by someone (outside of baal). And I think he grew unheathilty attached to that idea of having someone so like him.

That's why I think wanting Iruma see his friends die in front of him was such a big deal for Kiriro. I said this in a different post, but the six fingers operate under the belief that people will all fall to their more primitive selves with the right push. And i think Kiriro wanted that from iruma. he wanted somone even more like him, so deeply intertwined with his experiences. Kiriro's childhood can not be understated, that shit was fucked up. And in turn that fucked him up. Not to say that he couldn't have become the way he is now without his childhood (yes i know, nature vs nurture), but I think the trauma plays a major role in this. He experienced something his brain wasn't able to understand at the time (friend being really heartbroken about the necklace + blaming himself) and according to him, THAT was when he started to long for despair. From there, he wanted another person he perceives as like him to also experience something fucked up so they'll cast away morals too, there by solidifying Iruma's place with Kiriro. Forever fucked up together

Iruma outright rejects that and Kiriro's whole world view is destroyed. Why was this person he considered an equal, a comrad, denying his "affection." His way of making sure they could be together. Kiriro projected too much of himself onto Iruma and by doing so, ignored the things that made them so different from each other fundamentally. And Iruma did the same thing to Kiriro. But Kiriro can't give up Iruma just like Iruma can't give up Kiriro. They want the other in their life but think about the world too differently. So in order to stay together, they both want the other to change, believe their way of thinking and being is better. In this way, I can understand why people ship them together even if I don't. Sort of like a tragic love

What i find interesting is that Kiriro seems to have found his space. He found the connection he was looking for. He is honestly himself (in all his fucked up glory), jokes about his pervertedness, and seems happy. But he can't get rid of the idea of Iruma coming to him. I mean, I don't blame him. It's poetically beautiful how much Kiriro is unapologetically a demon and Iruma is unapologetically a human. At odds but so alike. I think in his own messed up way, the idea of eating iruma is a way of keeping iruma always with him because he now sees he can't force iruma to bend to his ways. And he wants iruma the only way he thinks he can have him. But in the end, even this would end in tragedy.

There isn't really a happy ending to this i believe where all parties are happy. Because if iruma gets his way, ok cool. but kiriro is (at least by this point) too far gone in his belief about demon origins. Kiriro could never be happy, he would need to supress so much of himself for the sake of iruma. And if kiriro gets his way, ok cool. But now he no longer has iruma as an "enemy." the person he felt most alike and connected to is now gone. And I imagine he would just feel empty about that because shit, now he's truly gone and i have nothing else besides the memories

As for his ambitions, I honestly don't understand them besides the iruma part. It feels very, the world hurt me and now i want to see the world hurt too which has been cultivated with his trauma. sorry i can't discuss that part much but thats as far as my autism will grasp. hope you liked this despite that!

[itsmaferart]

Twiyor Parallelism #3.1 ~· Twilight father figures

This contains spoilers for the manga.

In my previous post do a couple of analysis of Twilight and Yor individually, detailing individual aspects of their personality and the conflict that raises each character in their background. Now, I want to develop an analysis that will be divided into several parts, about these characters at the point where they are similar and opposite to each other, and how their dynamics develop. I clarify, that this is based on the manga and my own point of view, being my own theories of what it means - but this can change, depending on the course that follows the manga that is in issue. That being said, let's get started!

Continuing another aspect of Twiyor's childhood.

The relationship we have with our parents is a fundamental aspect of our development. Even if this happens unconsciously, and we do not realize how our parents affect us

Twilight:

At the beginning of the manga, Twilight's family is a topic which is not touched on directly. They only give us to understand that Twilight lost everything at a young age. Twilight clearly suffers from irritation when he sees a crying child (Anya), as it is an irritable and pointless act. We know that part of Twilight's sternness about Anya's studies occurs because of the Strix mission. He needs her to be a good student to be able to enter and that this allows him to access the meetings of parents, of imperial academics.

Then, it is revealed to us that the real reason for the infant crying is an annoyance. It's because Twilight is projected onto Anya. It reminds him that he was once a child, and that he too was vulnerable and no one was there for him.

But, when we know Twilight's childhood. We can learn more about this complex:

Twilight's father

When Twilight mentions his father to his friends. His first adjective about him is that he is very "strict", with a face that reflects nerves. This is most noticeable when the first action of (Deleted) is to hide the toy gun so that his father does not see it. Interestingly, his father is perceptive and immediately deduces that he was "playing soldier"

Here, it is revealed to us that this man not only rejects the idea that "his son" admires and has fantasies about war and soldiers. But also, it requires he to focus more on studies and think about the future.

Here, something very curious happens. Twilight's father refers to him as a "coward". Which immediately produces a reaction in (Deleted). The little boy not only reaffirms wanting to be a soldier, he wants to show that he can fight, therefore, he wants to prove to his father that he is not the coward he claims.

[Precisely, in the same arc. Twilight's friends refer to him as "crybaby]

It is here, when we see that the father, wanting to reaffirm his rejection and displeasure, ends up slapping his son. He reaffirms that "he is just ignorant", that he knows nothing about Ostania. Since he has never seen the supposed monsters.

Now: I think we can say that Twilight's relationship with her father is difficult and contentious.

For starters... Why does Twilight like the idea of ​​being a soldier?

Beyond being a child. The atmosphere surrounding Twilight was one filled with "war paranoia." Although we are children, from an early age we are able to absorb what is happening around us, even if we do not understand the implications. Fashions, trends, and everything that is in the lives of young people and adults, affects children. The media and the topics of conversation of adults are generating patterns in children. Due to the paranoia of war, Twilight and his friends most likely heard about war and soldiers many times. Whether they were defined as heroes or not.

This is very similar to how Anya likes spies. At a time when spies are wanted in Ostania. Appearing both on children's television shows (Bondman), or on the news by the SSS who capture anyone suspected of being spies.

Twilight and his friends like the idea of ​​being soldiers and going to war because they absorb the events around them but from the perspective of an innocent child. I think it's obvious to say that none of them wanted war or tragedies. Because they didn't "understand" what it meant

The real problem lay in the poor communication he had with his father and the violent and unnecessary methods that Twilight's father had with him.

It's sad how Twilight, when going to lock himself in his room. Sad, angry and frustrated. Twilight mentions how "hypocritical" his father becomes, since he speaks of peace but argues with his mother— Longing for peace in the world but not peace at home

But... really Twilight's father was bad?

Really, I don't think he was someone really evil. But his parenting methods were perhaps... the worst. When Twilight lies about going to buy a book. His father seems genuinely happy. Triggering a huge guilt. At that point, he showed genuine signs of joy and wanting to spend more time with him.

I get the impression that this man's lessons are good, and his intentions are genuine. But he did not know how to understand, or understand his son, much less make his lessons understand.

It is wrong to yearn for war. Especially if this is a whim, ideology, or ambition. This is a lesson that Twilight, being a soldier and a spy, understands. But, the father could not understand that Twilight only did this because it was the game of the time. In addition, he was only infatuated with being a soldier to see the way his father made him feel inferior

Twilight suffered from an emotional ambivalence. Obviously, Twilight doesn't know how to explain himself, because he was just a kid and didn't know how to express his needs. His goal was not to be a soldier, but to have his father's love and support. To feel that he could be the same with him, and be accepted.

His friends were an escape. A place where he can be himself and unfold his own repressed potential— Notice how good he is at acting with his games?

I think Twilight's father thought that if he made his child feel inferior, calling him a coward. He would give up being a soldier. -For some parents, this is a supposed strategy so that their children do not do something that could be dangerous. But they don't realize the psychological and emotional damage it causes to their children's self-esteem

The cause is good, but the method is very bad.

Here, there are two things that seem ironic and curious to me:

Twilight ended up becoming a soldier. Obviously, this was because of events that we already know. But it's ironic, how we end up, sometimes, in what they ask us never to be. Twilight ended up experiencing the tragedy caused by the Ostanians if he ended up becoming that hate-filled, pain-blind soldier who vows to destroy all of Ostania. Obviously, this happened because of the attack on the place where he lived. But it wasn't until many years later, when Twilight had to understand how terrible war was and that peace should be longed for. He ended up learning the same lesson as his father, but in the worst way

The second. It strikes me how emphatic his father was in the Twilight studios. The current Twilight, the spy, is a complete genius. Not only is he a born actor, but he also has an impressive deductive capacity, and an eidetic memory. It makes me believe that the difficult relationship between Twilight and his father was something that clouded the intelligence of this child. That man had no idea of ​​the genius he had, and the potential. But being so harsh with him only held Twilight back. And it was WISE that ended up taking advantage of this value.

Now in the present

You know what is ironic? As Twilight he is inadvertently learning from his father's mistakes. And try not to repeat it. He corrects many of these errors, on his own initiative, and another part is the influence that Yor has on him.

Twilight is much more severe compared to Yor. But himself, he begins to discern the limits of how much he can or cannot demand of Anya. Yes, yes, it's for the mission. But if you think about it... Twilight could be a much more cruel and strict father with Anya. After all, he needs it for the mission, for world peace. And the fact that Anya has won more tonitrus that stellas

Twilight, from the beginning, could only abandon Anya seeing that she really is not that applied to studies. Or he could resort to crueler methods - They remember Fiona and her fantasies of turning Anya into a star-making machine?

It's true, he doesn't want Anya to give up her studies because of the mission, but he also cares about her happiness. Many biological parents show no interest in their children's achievements, even if they are really merits of their own. They can only say "That is your duty", or "it is the least you could do" - Damian and Desmond relationship... remember?

Knowing that we can see Twilight's thoughts. We see that he is genuinely proud of Anya, when she passed the entrance exam, or when she won her first stella. When she affirms how wonderful he is as a father, and that he wants to be by his side forever... When was he about to explode when they made her cry?

The way Twilight talks with Desmond... That, although sometimes it's not easy... parents should find a way to understand each other with their children no matter how different they are. Anya wants to be a spy. Perhaps this is more fantasy than reality, considering how dangerous it is. But Twilight usually lets her be, and doesn't try to harass her for her fantasies.

Very surely, this is something unconscious in him. But his desire to be a good father is something that is born from him and it is not only because of the mission.

[This post has already become very long, so I will talk about the mother figure in another post. And about Yoru in others]

Here you can read the next part

Previous part here

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what do you think?

[youremyheaven]

I hope you don’t mind me sharing as this quite a personal story, but that other persons ask really made me think. I always had the impression that a twin flame was someone you had to be in close with.

I’ve known this person for 2~3 years now, but there is a great physical distance between us, and we are 4 years apart. I feel like when you’re under 25, 4 years is a weird gap because you’re in the same generation but the gap is too big for the older person to be interested in you without it being atleast a little weird.

However I’ve never seen myself so strongly in another person before. I’m autistic so I struggle to find people with the same interests as me, let alone several mutual interests. However this person and I share the majority of our interests and she’s spoken about certain traumas and difficulties that I’ve never heard someone else talk about.

Having so much in common with someone is such a new experience for me, I feel like we really are kindred spirits. In a way I view her as a better version of myself, a combination of what I am and everything I wish I could be.

There was a lot of jealousy which taught me to resist comparing myself to older people as they are in a different stage of life.

It was also difficult because I not only had a very intense attraction to this person, but a general desire to be close to her. I understood her so deeply and I wanted to be seen in return. I’m a very chatty person, but I had to hold myself back from reaching out because ultimately it was a very one way relationship, and that was a very very tough pill to swallow.

I deleted several social media apps to help remove her since this is so intense for me. I keep on re-downloading them lol

I have a significant rahu placement and it really brought out delusional obsession in me, in a way that was really out of character. I’ve had obsessions but this was next level

Ultimately this experience made me aware of my insecurities and how growing up as an outsider has made me more desperate to know people like me.

Since we will likely never be together, I never really considered it a twin flame, but I think the idea of twin flame perfectly encapsulates what this felt like. It’s like the universe showed me the perfect person, just to make them out of reach.

I hope this resonates with someone so I’m not just going on a tangent lol

thank you for sharing<33 and same, I prefer to think of my experience as "this person came into my life and made me fundamentally change as a person without even knowing they're doing it" but I think it's almost unhealthy to be together with someone you share such an intense dynamic with bc it's most likely not going to end well. one of you will be just endlessly whirling into a transformative experience and the other person probably does not feel it as much?? but to be changed by someone is still a remarkable and valuable experience to have and the point of every connection isn't to be with them forever and ever. we learn things and we let go. we can't have everyone stay in our lives forever.

[skye-huntress]

She’s so Cheeky for a Commoner Volume 2 Thoughts

I’m back, and incidentally, I’m still be doing I’m in Love with the Villainess content. For clarification, She’s so Cheeky for a Commoner is a spin-off series that follows Claire’s point of view of the many events early in the series. However, it is not a complete retelling of the series, it only retells certain key moments, while sprinkling in entirely new scenes, new characters and story arcs, as well as occasionally giving the perspectives of different characters. It does not serve as a substitute for the original light novels, and you should still read those first if you don’t want to be spoiled.

Anyway, this particular book only covers Chapters 4 through 6 from the original series, with Chapters 7 and 8 presumably being covered in Volume 3. Spoilers below.

Starting off, we have the Scales of Love arc. My first point of interest was how much more conscious Claire was of Rae’s change of behaviour, and yet so oblivious to the cause.

The first big change is the conversation with Loretta and Pepi about their doubts and suspicions about Manaria. To be fair, those two didn’t become actual characters until the manga fleshed them out. Interestingly, they actually asked Rae for her opinion and took her observation into careful consideration. Turns out, Loretta also had another more personal reason why she was weary of Manaria.

Follow that up with Rae nearly dying in Claire’s arms and her going off at her precious Manaria for it. She seemed harsher here than in the anime.

It makes sense that after the “breakup” the first person to truly get a chance to console Claire without any ulterior motive would be Catherine. They are roommates after all. Also, we finally get to see what Catherine looks like. She’s so adorably and sweet, it’s all the more unacceptable that the rest of her family (who will likely be the death of her) are all complete scumbags and criminals. So Catherine manages to convince Claire to patch things up with Rae, unfortunately, while this conversation was happening, Manaria was escalating things yet again.

Personally, I think the anime did the confession best. Actually, my last post was a reblog of that scene.

Okay, so Claire is being congratulated and teased by Misha, the Princes and the minions. First interesting thing, we’re establishing the Rod is already into Rae and intends to pursue her but is letting Claire have her turn, I guess. Second interesting thing, everyone assuming it is a given that Rod will snatch Rae from Claire. To be fair, it is assumed at this point that Rod will be King, and none of them could imagine that Rae has such a fundamentally different view on marriage than the rest of them.

So now we enter that very weird stage in Rae and Claire’s relationship. They’ve finally acknowledged that Rae’s feelings are genuine and are requited, but they’re not actually together-together, yet. In Claire’s case, the issue is that all her social conditioning is telling her it is always the guy to make all the moves.

Apparently, Claire can get anxious whenever Rae acts overly familiar with anybody of the opposite gender. She knows Rae is gay, and will never fall for a man, but she doesn’t want any of them getting the wrong idea and thinking they can hit on her Rae.

Okay, so Loretta is also in love with Claire. I’m not surprised that so many characters are in love with our protagonists, but I find it somewhat comical that the canonically bi one only has other women falling for her, and it’s the lesbian who happens to also attract men. Claire is such a girl magnet, she might give even Manaria a run for her money if she really tried.

Also, unsurprisingly, Pepi has fallen for Loretta. Looks like that ship still has a chance to sail.

Dole is a master strategist and he knows Claire well. Even if Rae didn’t tell him, he would know Claire has a growing interest in anything to do with Rae. He likely acted the way he did on the trip to Euclid to intentionally make Claire feel she couldn’t stay in their summer home, and make spending the night with the Taylor’s seem all the more appealing. An underhanded and effective way for Claire to get first-hand experience on what life as a commoner is really like.

One thing the original novels didn’t touch on was what Rae Taylor was like before she met Claire. I know the manga has been exploring what BC Rae was like. My impression is she was a lot like the Pope, Clarice. A very stark contrast to how the present Rae acts, it’s no wonder the minions were so confused. It is a wonder why Misha never questioned it sooner.

I feel like this whole chapter was more for Loretta and Pepi’s development. There wasn’t much going on on Claire’s part we weren’t already aware of.

One of the more interesting developments is Pepi being tutored by Misha on using siren magic. There is no way they are proposing the idea of using a magical instrument to boost Pepi’s magic without following through. Considering the potential consequences, Pepi is not likely to use it unless Loretta is in imminent danger, and the only major conflict left is the revolution, so that’s concerning.

There were hints of it earlier, but now it is confirmed we have a human trafficking conspiracy, and of course poor Catherine’s family is in the centre of it. It doesn’t even seem like they are trying too hard to hide it so it’s only a matter of time before their house of cards crumbles. The only problem with that is just like with what happened to the Aurousseau’s, typically in this world the whole family is punished for the same crimes regardless of their involvement. If Claire were to decide to take matters into her own hands, that a-hole, Clément wouldn’t hesitate to use Catherine as a human shield, figuratively and literally.

Enter everyone’s third favourite character, who apparently can never catch a break, Lily.

And now we’ve found out that Pepi’s father is part of the aforementioned conspiracy. Which means now I have to worry about her AND Catherine, AND Loretta since her fiance that her family set her up with is also in the thick of this mess. As much as Pepi is worried about her father, I say he should go to hell with the rest of them. Pepi should worry more about herself (and her future wife).

Wait, wait, wait. If even Catherine, who is viewed as less than a pawn by her family, knows about Yu, how well kept is this secret? Could Yu’s potential reign have been any more compromised? If the royal family wasn’t already screwed by Dole’s schemes, what Rae did would have been considered a huge favour to them.

As Catherine rightly points out, Claire has yet to make her own confession, which is a huge part of why her relationship with Rae is stalling.

Hold on, did we ever establish before if Lily’s alter ego had a name? Okay, I just checked and in Lambert’s part in the previous volume, he did refer to the nasked stranger as Alter. It’s been a year since I read that and the name doesn’t appear anywhere else so I’m not surprised I forgot.

I would not be surprised if Salas was using the Achard’s human trafficking operation for his supply of test subjects. Bastard was doing all sorts of human experimentation, so he had to get his victims somehow.

It took me a moment to realise where Misha’s train of thought was going, but I will grant her it makes a lot of sense for what little she knows. I actually wouldn’t have held it against her if she turned Rae in. Rae might not have either. Claire definitely would have, though.

One thing I’m glad they addressed even if it didn’t occur to me, how does Rae cast antidote magic without a wand? She’s in prison, she shouldn’t have a wand, but apparently Dole pulled some strings on the sly. Anything for his partner-in-crime/future daughter-in-law.

As for the Misaki vision, since I finished the series, I’ve actually suspected that was TAIM’s doing, since she’s pulled similar stunts before.

And as soon as Claire returns from visiting Rae, she immediately wants to declare war on Queen Riche. Which I’d be down with. That bitch got a better ending than she deserved.

Volume 3 will probably be the last. Will Pepi and Loretta get together? Will Catherine finally be freed from her family of criminals? Will the Achard’s finally get their comeuppance? And what the hell was Claire up to during the whole revolution chapter since she ditched Rae?

[irrigos]

this is only tangentially related to fl, but ive been thinking a lot about the genre of historical fiction where nobody is prejudiced ever (or if they are, it's in ways that aren't real, like being prejudiced against rubberies but not people of color, or are no longer relevant, like people in fl still being anti-catholic but not antisemitic. as far as we know anyway)

it's... interesting. it definitely has its pros, and i see why people would want to craft that kind of world to play in, but i also think it's worth acknowledging the downsides, too. also this post is really long but i couldn't find a good place to stick a readmore. look at my posts, boy

like, i get that nobody wants to write Period Accurate Racism Simulator, both for personal moral reasons (ie "I don't want to write racist texts") and for commercial reasons ("No person of color is going to want to buy Period Accurate Racism Simulator") but also... so much of society is structured around prejudice that historical stuff almost falls apart without it

i was in two Regency-era larps, and both of them were "no prejudice" alt history, one of which had a whole alternate timeline explaining why Britain was a global superpower even though colonialism didn't happen, and the other one... well never quite got around to explaining the worldbuilding. but both were in agreement that Queen Elizabeth I ended sexism forever (and also homophobia and transphobia i guess??)

but like... so much about what is iconic about the regency era (especially in regency romances) is the negotiation with extremely strict social rules, which were, at their core, about controlling women. a woman can't be alone with a man because that's improper! i mean... what if they fuck each other???? But if it's equally valid for this woman to be in a relationship with another woman, then... it would also be improper for her to be alone with other women? okay so she can't ever be alone... but if polyamory is a possibility, then i guess she can't be in groups, either, because they still might all fuck each other!!! so nobody can... ever be around anybody? of course, if we dont view a woman's assumed reproductive capability as a commodity that must be protected and secured, then we don't need to police who she is alone with, but then we remove the stuff that's fun and interesting about Regency romances! At this point, we're just writing regular fiction, but everyone's dresses are really high waisted.

And I mean, if we imagine a Regency era Britain where colonialism flat out did not happen... how are any of these characters this wealthy? How are they still using the products that were made accessible to Britain because of colonialism, like fabrics from India? If there were no colonies, then Britain didn't colonize North America, then there was no Revolutionary War, which means France didn't go into debt FUNDUNG the Revolutionary War, which means it wasn't in the dire financial straits that lead to the French Revolution, which means that Napoleon would not rise to power because of his military service DURING the French Revolution, which means the Napoleonic Wars aren't going to happen, but obviously we're still having the Napoleonic Wars because how are you gonna do Regency Era without its tentpole features, like people achieving upward mobility through exceptional military service against the dreaded Napoleon. And don't even get me started on how the history of Corsica would fit into all this!!!

People made the decisions they made because of the world they lived in, and if you change fundamental aspects of the world they lived in, its absurd to have them make the same decisions.

And on top of that, it actually ends up being kind of limiting for what kinds of stories you can tell. i mean, if no prejudice exists, then you can't have anyone interacting with it, internalizing it, or overcoming it. To have a character that, for example, is concerned about homophobia would be as bizarre in this setting as someone worrying about societal backlash because... idk their favorite color is red instead of blue. Who cares! Do you care? Clap if you care.

I know that's the fantasy some people like engaging with, and that's perfectly fine, but... well, it's not what I like writing.

I think Fallen London splits the difference pretty well- society still exists on the Surface as it always has (more or less), so you can still write characters engaging with it, but having London be it's own little pocket of equality has its own problems. I mean, if London was moved underground and the Masters granted everyone equal rights under the law, then that means no minority has ever campaigned for an expansion of their own rights and succeeded. There was no real Women's Sufferage movement in London, because there was no need. But there were Suffragettes who did cool stuff!! Stuff that might be interesting to engage with, but you can't, because of the setting. You have to overlook the accomplishments of real marginalized people, because the very premise of your story depends on the new government just... deciding to be nice.

Is this a problem that needs fixing? Nah, I don't think so. I think it was good when FBG went to remove some of the #problematic bits of text that still hung around (like changing the description of the Fourth City Airag so it's less... shitty, for example) because that doesn't fit with the tone they're setting. But I think it's fun and interesting to look at the opportunity costs of these decisions!!! im just having fun lol

[lordofthestrix]

💭 + power

send 💭 + a topic to receive a headcanon about said topic. I'm in fundamental disagreement with some habitual readings of Tristan as power-hungry at a rather basic level. I think his ambitions are actually nuanced and complex. I actually would go as far as to express that there is enough canon-material to rightfully argue that Tristan is not interested at all in power for power's sake. He doesn't even respect it. A common backstory within the TVD universe, not only among vampires, involves all kinds of characters who grow an obsession or fixation with power mainly because they felt powerless at some previous point of their lives. But Tristan doesn't fit this. I would say he had a complicated relationship with power even as a human. Often feeling like the most powerful person in the room, even more than his father, and yet in some aspects also frustratingly perceiving himself as the the one with least say on some matters. I think he grew up exploring the subtleties and contradictions of different forms of power. He interprets it as a useful if potentially treacherous tool. But just a tool in the the end. Never the objective in itself. Power as a form of control doesn't hold any allure to him because Tristan never needed to have these more raw variations of power in order to feel like the one in control. He already does. Tristan as a human, confronting the "demons" invading his home: Klaus: "This is not going to be pleasant." Tristan: "Do so at your peril."

But this was him as a human!- an observer might say. Surely he changed his tune with time. Tristan's first instinct a millennium later, at a table that included two Originals and an exceedingly powerful witch. Tristan: Harm my sister and I'll be forced to return the favor.

Facing someone with inherent strength, speed or "power" that surpasses his own is never something Tristan cowers from. It is a matter of methodology. And in this I would like to compare him with Lucien. Because I believe their perspectives contrast each other interestingly. See these two quotes, side by side. Lucien: I will leave you with one lesson. Against vampires, humans always lose.  ---- Hayley: These vampires are ancient. How is Marcel supposed to beat one of them? Tristan: With guile, courage...perhaps a bit of trickery. Lucien's traumas stem from those who wronged him and were hierarchically above him in one way or another (Tristan included) It is understandable to develop a point of view from where the solution is entirely hierarchical as well. His answer is to "upgrade" himself until he is the one on the top. For Tristan, who grew up among the the ones who were at the top and observed them well, anyone can already be beaten. His solution is to outmaneuver, outsmart and outplay. And this mixture of bravery and intelligence is something he highlights in another episode as a formidable combination. But Lex...Doesn't he spend century after century seeking for more power? I'm glad you asked, my imaginary interviewer. And my answer is: Is that what he is seeking? Aya: Tristan has been a collector of extraordinary talent for the better part of a millennium. He chooses the best of the best and helps them evolve. Aya: One of our more famous faces. We count amongst our society celebrated actors, artists, politicians... Of course, most of us prefer to live a life outside of the public eye. That doesn't make our talents any less impressive. Aya:  We're the top of the food chain. The smartest, the strongest. And, we take what we want. The Strix under Tristan is not an army (although it certain can and will be employed as one if there is need to see it adopting such role) It is...Well...A court. There are within its ranks some extraordinarily remarkable warriors. But it is also a pinnacle of the arts. Of accomplishment, influence and marvel. Power is another factor among these. But only one. All of these divisions give us a clue concerning Tristan's genuine fixation. Because while it isn't power itself, Tristan does have an eternal fascination of his own: Greatness. Uniqueness. Talent. Creativity. That fusion of bravery and cunning. The remarkable and the sublime. Even beauty is in here, considering some of his comments. Forms of greatness. These are the things Tristan exhibits sincere, personal interest towards. Power is, once again, a tool. Even when he directly addresses power on the show it is always under the particular lenses of "special among.." and "like no other." Power and influence are instruments to create the music he wishes to hear. It serves to protect what is worthy of being protected and to get him what he yearns for. Now I feel awfully tempted to go on, rambling about my headcanons regarding why Tristan feels this constant beckoning towards greatness. Because while he mostly enjoys the hunt, it isn't unimportant to notice that a part of him feels that he must do the things he does. As an obligation to himself. But that wasn't the chosen word. And I tortured you with enough of a long answer already.

[trash-mammall]

eight shows to get to know me

thanks @h3rmitsunited fr tagging :)

IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER

1. BBC MERLIN

i watched this show when it was first airing as a kid, and then returned to it 10 years later. it has completely rewired my brain and absolutely had lasting effects on how i view character and relationship building. it’s made me cry so hard i thought i was going to vomit

2. DIRK GENTLY

i think i first watched this in 2018, and then continued to rewatch it like 5 times, got 8 pages into writing an essay on why it shld be renewed, fell off a bit, and ever since i’m pretty sure every year i’ve fallen back into it. right now i’m off of it, but i miss it and it’s only a matter of time. fundamentally changed my perception of how plot and story can work, how weird you can get with it

3. MYTHBUSTERS

i fully grew up on this show. i haven’t watched it in years but it lingers in the back of my mind and it helped me continue to love science and math even though school sucked. also explosions and weird myths i got to learn about. simply iconic

4. TED LASSO

this one’s a newer one but it very quickly shot into my top shows of all time. it’s so compassionate in its writing and so genuine in its acting and i simply adore it. also i ted is my dad now

5. OUR FLAG MEANS DEATH

this one’s pretty straight forward. beautifully created, emotionally powerful, i can’t wait to see where it goes. i hyperfixated and wrote like 5 fics for it during exam season. i love frenchie the most

6. SCRUBS

another one from my childhood — i don’t remember a Ton from it but the parts that i do i Know this show effected some stuff. also it’s the best hospital drama and i’ll die on that hill (this does not include the final season. fuck the final season)

7. MALCOM IN THE MIDDLE

and ANOTHER one from my childhood. watched this whole show w my family, it’s absolutely iconic. so funny, so loving, probably mentally effected me more than i care to admit or can articulate. i need to rewatch it since i haven’t since i was like 10

8. WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS

this show is a masterpiece in its writing but i love it Particularly for its practical effects, i love them so much. the story and characters are so compelling tho, and even the characters that suck are so unique and personable that you enjoy their screentime regardless, it’s fantastic

this was hard bc i don’t actually watch very much TV but :) welcome to the inside of my brain if anyone has any questions i would love to be enabled to talk more on any and all of these shows

EDIT: honourable mention to camp camp i will not explain further

[kingdomoftyto]

That post joking about doomed polycules left me no choice but to assign classpects to the Vampire Chronicles cast (though not restricted to the actual "polycule", as it were, lol)

Long rambling analysis under the cut :)c

Lestat: Prince of Time I wanted him to be "Prince of Blood" so bad, but in the end I can't justify giving him anything other than Time as an aspect. He has strong elements of Rage, and maybe Breath and Heart as well, but the official description of the Time aspect from the Extended Zodiac site fits him to a fucking T. To quote just one line: "Their lives are often marked by struggle, not so much because fate has it in for them, but because they are fundamentally incapable of just accepting things as they come." He's got the impulsivity, the ruthlessness, and the stubborn belief that, again from the official description: "impossible is just a word". Aside from the obvious reason, I made him a Prince because Time/immortality is a destructive force on both himself and those he inflicts it upon, or alternatively you could read it as him "destroying" mortality/the passage of time via the Dark Gift. No matter what, he gets a bright red cape out of the deal. Lestat is also canonically a Scorpio, a.k.a. a Blue Sign, which... just read this description: "Of all the sign classes, they have the potential to do the most good, but also cause the worst harm. They can be incredibly effective, and also incredibly destructive. Tell a Blue Sign this and chances are they would agree with you." Since his Lunar Sway is for sure Prospit, that makes his Extended Zodiac sign that of Scorist, the Mutineer (sounds about right):

Louis: Heir of Blood Psyche, Lestat also can't be the Blood player because Louis is the Blood player!! Louis also has traits that fit with Life and Light, but I like the vibe of Blood the most for him. The Blood aspect is all about bonds with other people, and Louis certainly defines himself by his relationships to others--to Lestat, to Claudia, to his brother, to his victims, to humanity as a whole. On the EZ site, Blood is also described as generally a more passive aspect, with its bearers functioning mostly as inspiration to others--"they are prophets, rather than generals, giving others the strength and motivation to keep fighting." This is pretty much 100% in line with how the other vampires view him in what I've read of the books. "He's the most human of all of us," etc. etc. He's an Heir because, again aside from the obvious reason, that class is one that invites change through one's aspect as well as being shaped by one's aspect. The character arcs we have in Homestuck that show what an Heir's development looks like show the hero slowly learning to take control of their aspect instead of letting it control them--"inheriting the throne" so to speak. I imagine Louis' growth over the course of the books involves coming to accept both the literal blood/Dark Gift as well as the metaphorical Blood of found family and fellowship with the other vampires (and especially with Lestat), on top of continuing to exist as that passive reminder to the others of all the most admirable aspects of mortals. Louis' canon birthdate, as far as I can tell, makes him a Libra, which, um... "Deep down, they often long for a hero, someone they can idolize and count on, with the smarts and charisma to keep up with them. Unfortunately, they have a tendency to get involved with people who are very obviously wrong for them out of a desire not to be alone. Many Teal Signs are better off being single, at least until someone really extraordinary comes along." 😬 Anyway, since he's definitely a Derse dreamer, everything combined thus makes his EZ sign Licen, the Worshiper (🙃):

Claudia: Maid of Rage Another title that works equally as well for the literal reasons as it does for the symbolic ones lmao. I considered a few aspects for Claudia (she inherits some Heart from Lestat and some Light from Louis), but ultimately you can't deny she's Rage. "They posses great contempt for lies or false ideas, including the stability that false ideas can impart. To them, the true is far more important than the good." Rage players are further described as fearless, single-minded, and sowers of doubt and discord. "If they sound dangerous, they are." She's a Maid because she's been molded out of her aspect, her righteous fury the culmination of a slow-burning resentment over the course of decades. She also stokes the fires of doubt and rebellion in others (namely Louis). She could be assigned Sylph for the same reasons, but I choose Maid because it's the "active" one of the pair, and I see Claudia as one who is determined to draw first blood. She schemes and plots, yes, but with the intention of going in personally for the kill. I don't know if Claudia has a canon birthday so I picked from the list based on her personality and assigned her Purple/Capricorn. Ambitious, driven, with a dark sense of humor, and a willingness to "say out loud what everyone else was thinking but was too nervous to mention". Holds a grudge but can also be deeply loyal. Sounds about right to me. And I initially had Claudia marked down for Prospit but quickly realized that facades, distrust, and insecurity are some of her defining features and wondered how I could ever have thought she was anything BUT Derse lmao. Therefore, her EZ sign is Capriborn, the Malignant (I love that it looks like a broken/bleeding heart):

Armand: Sylph of Doom My initial thought for Armand was something on the Light/Void spectrum, and I also considered Mind, but in the end I truly think Doom fits him best. "The Doom-bound understand that misery loves company, and they are ready and willing to provide said company. The Doom-bound won't fix you; they aren't healers. They are commiserators, aware that sometimes the only thing you can do for a person is let them know that they are not alone in their suffering." This might be a slightly sugarcoated way to look at it, but it seems a pretty accurate description of Armand's favored method of getting close to people. Symbolically, Doom is also largely about sacrifice and accepting one's fate, which tie in strongly with Armand's outlook (particularly pre-Daniel, but also just in general as far as I know). I argue he's a Sylph because, even when he's in a leadership position, he always strives to slink back into the shadows and influence things in a passive way. He's not a warrior, he's a puppetmaster. Sylphs are associated with creation, and he could be said to invite the "creation" of Doom (sacrifice etc) in several of his roles throughout the books--as head of the Paris coven, certainly, but also in his little world tour with Daniel. He also passively oversees the more literal doom of all the vampires under his wing and the victims thereof, without ever stooping to create a fledgling of his own for hundreds of years. (Plus, as a bonus, the word "sylph" makes him sound ethereal and cherubic, so. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) Again I don't have a canon birthday for him so I'm assigning him Rust/Aries. Largely this is because I view the bit with him and Daniel in QotD as showing the truest version of his personality I've read so far, and, well: "They crave new experiences, the wilder and farther-from-home, the better." Plus: "Rust Signs make great friends and traveling companions, but they also can be selfish and quick to anger. If what they deem to be an acceptable level of 'excitement' isn't happening around them, they have a tendency to try to stir some up. They love the drama." Did you say a messy bitch that requires constant enrichment? That's our Armand! Armand was another one that I clocked wrong for Lunar Sway at first. My instinct was that he's Derse, but after thinking about it for a second I realized he's actually fully Prospit. This makes Armand's EZ sign Armino, the Static (no I am not making this up):

Daniel: Knight of Light I don't feel like I have as deep an understanding of Daniel's motivations as a character but I think, narratively at least, Light is the most fitting aspect for him. Light deals with both information, which he seeks both as a reporter and later as his personal obsession to find the vampires, and luck, which, well, if anyone in this series could be said to have both the best and worst of luck, he'd be a strong contender lol. Daniel's a Knight of his aspect because he actively uses it to further his goals. After Louis leaves him in San Francisco, he weaponizes what scraps of information he has to track the vampires he knows about, which of course eventually leads him to Armand. He then stubbornly keeps pushing his luck with this fickle opponent/paramour until the near-Apocalypse coincidentally happens, forcing Armand to give Daniel what he wanted all along. I'm assigning Daniel a Violet/Aquarius birthday: "Personable and outlandish, they are ready to make friends with anyone, although if they aren't careful their 'game for anything' attitude can come across as clingy or desperate. When their feelings are reciprocated, however, they are very loyal friends." And he's a Prospitian, which makes his EZ sign that of Aquapio, the Maverick (which looks goofy as hell; sorry, Daniel):

Gabrielle: Page of Space If anyone in the cast is Space, it's Gabrielle: "For the Space-bound, the journey is as, if not more, important than the destination; how they do something is as important as what they do. At their best, they are steady, impartial, and creative. At their worst, they can be detached, apathetic, and vague." Detached, you say? Apathetic, you say? And she's a Page because the class is notoriously slow to get started but invariably powerful by the time they've reached their full potential. Gabrielle spent a whole mortal lifetime feeling confined, a prisoner to her family and to her gender and to society. When she's finally unleashed in her full glory, however, she chooses to grasp that freedom with both hands and expand her horizons to encompass the entire world. She wants to move, to run, to travel, to cover as much ground as possible and take in as much as she can. (Incidentally, this makes Breath another decent option for her, but the detachment of Space makes it especially fitting for her, I think.) None of the descriptions for the sign classes fit Gabrielle perfectly, and while she shares a lot of traits with Scorpio (same as Lestat's), I think it's more fun to put her down as Indigo/Sagittarius if only for this bit: "They are known to be careless, both physically and emotionally, their conversations punctuated by jostling elbows and tactless comments. They don't usually mean to offend, and are often shocked to find out they upset anyone." She's also hard for me to pin down as either Prospit or Derse, but I'll settle for Derse because of her usual inability to show sincere emotion. That makes her EZ sign Sagiga, the Builder (eh, not as fitting as any of the other titles :P):

Marius: Thief of Void Marius is practically defined by all the secrets he keeps and the lengths he goes to keep himself, his feelings, and the knowledge he protects all hidden. Assigning him Void is a no-brainer, I think. The most fitting class for him, then, is probably Rogue, since it's all about "allocating" the aspect (in this case, secrets)...... buuuut Marius doesn't deserve the same classpect as my bestie Roxy so I'm making him a Thief instead lmfaooo I also hate to admit that the description for Bronze/Taurus signs fits him fairly well. (I hate it because that's my sign lmao rip.) The description mentions coming across as arrogant, a penchant for mild hedonism, and a craving for safety and stability, among other things. And this dude's a Prospitian without a doubt, meaning his EZ sign is Taurittanius, the Utopian (which, despite my dislike of him in many respects, is a fitting title for him):

And lastly, I guess, should be David Talbot, but I really just don't care about him as a character and don't know enough about him to even try to speculate on a classpect for him lmao;;

Am I forgetting anyone major? I feel like I'm forgetting someone. Oh well. That's our vampire Sburb session, everyone. God help us all.

[darethshirl]

fic author self rec

When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you’ve written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let’s spread the self-love.  

Thank you for the tag, @roguelioness and @rosella-writes! god this was SO fun to do 🥰 I have a bad habit of not re-reading my own fics so this was a good excuse to refresh my memory :’) sorry in advance for the long post, I got wordy 😂

1) a body, a spirit (Solas & Wisdom, 1370 words)

He frowns. “You’re acting like free will doesn’t exist. Haven’t I proven that it does? I changed my path, because of a choice I made. You could have done the same.”

Wisdom’s voice resonates with undercurrents he can no longer decipher. “Solas,” it intones, makes his name sound like an omen, a divination, a fundamental truth. “We were never the same. All your actions did was illuminate the difference.”

—

A philosophical debate, through the ages.

Honestly if I had to pick ONE and only one favourite fic, this would be it. I still remember how it felt to write it, easily and effortlessly and all in one go. :’) If only writing was so simple all the time lol! Anyway this is Solas and Wisdom, through time, in every possible (and angsty) permutation.

2) but I never had a name (and I never felt the same) (Merrill & Audacity, 7677 words)

“If you are lying to me,” Merrill said calmly, dreamily, considering, “then I’ll have to kill you. I can’t let anyone else come to harm, you see.” She stroked the soft fur underneath her hand, thoughts forming a plan even as she spoke. “I’ll follow your trail, find you, and destroy you.”

The spirit raised its head to look at her, eyes golden and unblinking, deep and depthless. “Fair enough.”

-

Merrill keeps dreaming of a path. One day, she follows it.

My ultimate Merrill character study, in all her cleverness and vulnerability and PRIDE. I had an absolute blast writing Audacity as this combination of haughty Fey Creature and grumpy cat at the same time, and I loved having the opportunity to have Merrill interact with a spirit as equals. Also my Fade descriptions were super self-indulgent and I still remember those passages fondly. :’) This is probably my least popular fic stats-wise, but it’s the one I’m most proud of I think!

3) let me occupy your mind (as you do mine) (Teia/Viago, 5810 words, Explicit)

“Hey, Vi,” Teia whispered as they passed yet another gaggle of nobles and their pearly white smirks, “do you think the orgy will happen before or after the main course?”

“Hush.”

“I’m just saying. What if we need to participate to keep our cover? We should discuss positions just in case.”

“Teia,” Viago protested weakly, with the beleaguered tone of a man under siege from all corners.

—

Teia and Viago attend a sexy Orlesian ball for work-related reasons. One hundred percent work-related reasons.

This ship!! This poor unappreciated ship! I will forever be hungry for more content for them, and when I got the chance to write them for BE I *jumped* at it lol. I had sooooo much fun writing them being Sneaky Spies and also Dorks In Love at the same time🥰🥰 also this is by far the most wholesome and romantic smut I’ve ever written lmao

4) i love you with open eyes (Solas/Lavellan, 2269 words)

“This will not last,” he warned, his voice uneven, regretful over a million unspoken inevitabilities that had yet to pass.

It didn’t matter. She was implacable, immovable as fate itself, strengthened by the fundamental truth of what she knew deep in her bones. “All things must end.”

—

In the direct aftermath of the Fade kiss, Lavellan confronts Solas.

Obviously I couldn’t skip a solavellan fic for this! It was a hard choice (boy I sure write a lot of smut for this ship😂😂) and I do like my earlier solavellan works a lot, but I’d say this is my most well-written one. This is basically my Thesis TM on how I personally view this relationship: two lonely people, away from home, finding comfort in each other. 🥺 Also I worked hard on the prose here and I’m really satisfied with how it turned out in the end. :’)

5) rules of conduct (Dorian/Male Hawke/Anders, 6344 words, Explicit)

“Excuse me,” said Dorian, so scandalized he sounded horrifyingly like his own mother, “this is private property. You can’t just squat here!”

The other man’s expression switched from apprehensive to outraged. “Oh really! And what law says that?”

Dorian gaped at him, momentarily speechless. “...Inquisition law?” he tried.

Brown eyes flashed an unearthly blue. “Land is part of nature, and cannot be owned. Any attempts to do so are fundamentally unjust.”

—

Hawke attempts to hide Anders in Skyhold. The ruse doesn’t last long.

I deliberated on what to pick for the last spot, and in the end I just had to go with a Dorian fic. LOOK HE’S JUST SO FUN TO WRITE OKAY he’s so funny and Dramatique and yearns so deeply and he’s just a delight to write!! :’) and because I’m a dork I literally laughed out loud at my own jokes when re-reading this lmao 😂I love this disaster of a man and this fic brought me so much joy :’) I’m glad I wrote it 🥰

tagging back (no pressure! 💜) @melisusthewee, @dreadfutures, @rakshadow, @cleverblackcat, @noire-pandora, @bdafic, @bogunicorn, @thevikingwoman, @glowing-blue-feathermage and anyone else who wants to do it!

[your--isgayrights]

you mentioned in a recent ask that hyunsung and heewon's relationship is meant to parallel dokja and joonghyuk's would you like to elaborate more on that?

Oh sure! Good question :D

I feel like I've been pretty consistent with the idea of "KDJ is projecting his feelings onto everyone all of the time." It's what he does lmao. But because he lacks certain perspective on himself at times, he ends up being really hypocritical/not self aware.

So when it comes to the YJH&KDJ relationship that is integral to the fic, the sort of promise of the genre if you will, every other "soulmate" relationship included is meant to have some parallelism. They're also meant to address consistent themes.

So with JHW and LHS the aspect emphasized goes hand and hand with the sort of KDJ & JHW connection being based on the idea of "survivorship." As the first chapter goes into, KDJ was a victim of domestic abuse, and in 4.3 we get insight into the aftermath of JHW being assaulted by her coworker. These are obviously very different situations and there is no way to empirically compare trauma, but I think that when we survive traumatic events often we will look at others to judge ourselves and think how we "should have" reacted. On the matter of what I'm trying to impart to the reader, there's the admiration that Kim Dokja holds for JHW in the hospital room. He's making a comparison of her to his favorite hero, YJH. One of the issues he has with YJH is that he has the tendency to take blame onto himself for situations that most people would write off to chance or the actions of other people. YJH is arrogant, he is powerful, and therefore in his mind everything that goes wrong is his fault. This is an aspect of him I want to carry over from the original text, where in the book KDJ reads, he is a regressor whose lone actions change the course of the plot. KDJ on the other hand has the opposite perspective. His reaction to his trauma was the realization that he was powerless. The one time he does fight back, he faces the apocalypse of his mother taking the blame, and then he just ends up in another negligent relative's home going to school to get beat up by bullies every day. There are no authority figures he can trust, and he is powerless. That's the lesson that he learns, to the point that he felt the only power he had was the choice of whether or not to harm himself. Even though Yoo Joonghyuk's story saves him, gives him a reason to keep going, he still fundamentally retains this worldview, even as an adult. The idea of his inertia, his objective helplessness, is a coping mechanism that stops him from wanting so hard, stops desires for things that seem impossible like love and friendship and family from disappointing him, because that hurts too much. This is why he admires JHW who, unlike YJH, knows she isn't to blame for the fact that she was attacked, it fundamentally agrees with his worldview. He also notes that this makes her dissimilar from him, because she knows that she isn't to blame and actively seeks retribution for the harm committed against her. This is something KDJ sees her as "able to do" because he views her as being more like YJH than him.

In this vein, KDJ saw a "better version" of himself in LHS, who made the active decision to keep in closer contact with his soulmate after he saw her get hurt. I've hinted at this a bit through chapters 3 and 4, but KDJ remembers being in a similar situation, when YJH was getting into brawls in his mid twenties due to some dire emotional straights. KDJ didn't reach out to him then, so he thinks of himself unfavorably in comparison to LHS.

HOWEVER. From the perspective of the reader, perhaps things should be reversed. KDJ's instinct is to see himself in a character and then see a familiar character in a friend. I think that there can also be an interpretation of LHS as a foil to YJH, offering an insight into his perspective. In the same way that KDJ and JHW are foils in the vein of "survivorship," LHS and YJH could be seen as foils in terms of being "bystanders."

As to what I mean by that... Maybe just reread that scene with this idea in mind, haha ^^; I'd be interested to hear your thoughts if you do, tho. 👀 TBH this is just my own interpretation as an author...

Thanks for this ask!!!! :DDDD

[addicted-to-nothing]

I had a thought which may be offensive idk but I feel like a lot of people who hate Lucien and specifically for staying with Tamlin in ACOMAF, don't know what it's like to grow up with parents in an abusive relationship, where you were also abused by the same abuser as your parent, and they stayed.

People joke about daddy/mommy issues from kids growing up abused but growing up in that environment fundamentally changes your views on relationships forever. I think people focus on the abuse Lucien received which yeah was horrendous but he also had to grow up watching his mum be treated EXACTLY like how Tamlin treated Feyre and he probably just assumes that's how it is. His mum was Lady of the Court and that meant she deferred to her High Lord. Good or bad, that was her role.

Plus we know canonically most relationships of the high lords or other high "nobles" tend to be abusive/not healthy to certain amounts. Even mated pairs face this. Rhys and Tamlin's parents were both in horrible relationships based on the bits we learn in canon.

So Lucien, a young man who grew up in the world's most fucked up family hunger games, being complicit/not interfering to his friend's abuse makes sense. He doesn't know anything else. His one true love (up to that point) was murdered in front of his eyes while he was forced to watch by the same man who's been abusing his mum all his life.

He doesn't know

And that's fine. Because he learns. And that's what's important. He sees that there's another way. That love doesn't come with a death sentence and a slap if you do something wrong.

And I think that's the truest character development he could have had. I can't wait to see his further growth

[mushiemellows]

I’ve been reflecting a lot on this last year, it’s been such a strange one in my life but for reasons I really love and I know I will cherish for a long time.

2023 was the first year of my life since I turned 14 where I didn’t want to kill myself. And there’s a lot of reasons for that. I left a terrible job to focus on my art and my home, and it did change how lonely I felt but it also made me more available to help people than I’ve ever been. I got to be there for my friends when they were at their lowest and their most lonely.

I spent so much of my late teens and early 20s just waiting for something to kill me, I had a terrible relationship with education, I felt like I burned out before I even understood the game I needed to play. And I think the way I was viewing the world was so fundamentally twisted that I had no options left.

It was by far the worst in 2021 though. January, we were still deep in lockdown, and I had just moved from LA (my hometown, where I’d lived my whole life) to now living in the North East, and I wasn’t handling my first winter well at all. I was stuck in my home and all I wanted was to die, I was so alone living 3000 miles from everyone I knew and cared for. And then I got a tik tok that was like “if you need an emergency shot to keep you from falling into the void, watch Haikyuu!!” And I thought it was kinda silly but I gave it a shot because I’d try anything to feel something. And it worked. And it was the first time I had picked a show for myself that my partner went “meh it’s not for me but you enjoy it” and I realized I can just like. Have things for myself. And so spring 2021 was the season where I watched One Piece, East Blue through Alabasta. And I liked it a lot and the characters made me happy but I don’t think it would mean what it means to me today if I had stopped there and never picked it back up.

At the very end of 2022, I did though. Over a year and a half later. I’d had a terrible day at work (I used to work in a contemporary art museum) and I got home, bought a bottle of wine, a big fluffy pastry from the bakery, soaked in my bath, and picked back up in Jaya. And then I never stopped.

Sometimes I wonder how I would feel about these characters if I had gotten into the series at any other point in my life. It’s such a strange franchise, because I know that I, a 27 year old depressed woman drinking wine in her bathtub in the American north east, am not the target demographic for the show.

And yet, I’ve never NEVER NEVER. met a character in fiction like Nico Robin. To immediately identify with a character, to love her, and then to be shaken violently and told I can’t keep trying to die. That even though I’m so far from home and so far from my friends, there are people who are still here who care about me. And I get to care about them. And it’s been a slow process year because I worked hard on art that may never see the light of day. I built things and I learned new skills and I got to be there. I take sunset walks to the park and I draw without pressure and i dream again. And I still let myself like spooky shit. I have good friends that work in the death industry, I draw abandoned places, I read scary books. I get to figure out what living means for me, and I need to give myself the grace that that takes time too because sometimes it feels like I lost 13 years of my life. All the ones that are supposed to be the great ones.

I think for a long time I thought I was going to be a mom because it’s what was socially expected of me. And in deconstructing for the religion I was born into, I pivoted fully to not wanting to ever have children. And that’s still kind of the case, I don’t want to birth and I’ve taken steps to make sure that I don’t. Now, I’ve got so many options in front of me because there’s another path. Helping my friends, even new people I’ve just met, makes me feel good. Keeping them safe and fed and warm makes me feel good. Making sure they have somewhere to sleep at night, a community that loves them, a hand to hold. THAT is what makes life worth living. To look at where we are in the world, to see where we’ve been and how much tings have changed and all the changes on the horizon, to make art and poetry and love and good food. To dress myself however the fuck I want. To watch the sun set at the duck pond. To show someone else the sunset at the duck pond.

2023 was the year that I watched (most of) One Piece. Jaya to Wano. 2023 was the year that I realized I did, despite everything, want to live. But then, that’s the really hard part. Because now the steps forward are figuring out what living means, huh?