#with completely different situations. so don't invalidate their identities

[finexbright]

.

[schizosupport]

one time during a psychotic episode I was convinced I had did / was part of a system. I experienced what I perceived as switches and such. when I started getting better I realized that wasn't what was happening. it was very real to me while it was happening though and im just wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar. I feel bad because I dont wanna be one of those people who fakes did, but thats really not what I was doing, and I dont know how to put it in a context that doesn't make me feel bad about it. sometimes I miss who I thought of as alters at the time but I suppose were really just. delusional headspaces.

Hey there!!

Ok so I think it's important to add the context to my answer, that I have a different approach to/understanding of these questions than both many people in the respective communities, as well as many professionals. Nevertheless, since I'm not writing a research paper, but rather, providing a personal take on the question, I hope that you will bear with me!

So in my somewhat radical opinion, it doesn't much matter whether you experienced what you did because of DID or because of a delusion caused by psychisis.

Alters, as well as delusions, are products of the mind. It doesn't mean that delusions don't FEEL real, it doesn't mean that alters don't truly experience themselves as separate entities, but it IS worth keeping in mind that one of these experiences is not inherently more "valid" than the other.

Delusions are often of a negative, harmful nature, while alters are often a helpful coping tool, but that is FAR from being a universal rule.

I used to think I had something like OSDD, then a psych convinced me the 'others' were delusions of control (and as a result for a while I suppose they were), but today we just kind of co-exist somewhere on the border between psychosis, identity compartmentalization, ipseity disturbance, dissociation, method acting as coping and general identity confusion..

After years of wading through the professional and community discourse, on my own personal journey with the topic, this is what I think:

It seems to me that the discourse surrounding the acceptable causes of identity dissociation and amnesia in DID/OSDD, has ended up with a situation where DID identity compartmentalization is seen as the only "real" aka "valid" experience of identity fragmentation.

It would appear that this debate, which to me seems largely to be a matter of categorization and definition, has been warped to the point where people like you end up feeling bad for having been "faking DID" while in fact you have done no such thing, and furthermore having your legitimate grief at the loss of people/alters YOU experienced as real, be invalidated and belittled (by yourself, if not others).

Anon, I'm sorry for your loss. Jesus fuck, I'm sorry. Who cares what the others "really were" or "why they're gone"... You experienced them as people in your life, people you had relationships with, people you could rely on - ofc it hurts to lose them.

Of course you are grieving.

"Just delusional headspaces" is such a telling turn of phrase, and it breaks my heart. It really does.

So often we psychotic people are expected to be "over it" the moment we are not actively delusional. As if we don't get traumatized when we think we are going to be killed. As if we don't grief the relationship we built completely in our head, when it turns out not to be 'real'?

Identity.. personality.. headspaces.. they are no more real or no more fake dependent on their underlying cause..

I understand why the dissociative community are protective of their alters, I understand the need to say "this is not psychosis! These experiences are real!" ... I truly do, and I don't think it's a meaningless distinction, either.

But it's setting up a false dichotomy. Because the truth is that ultimately both delusions and alters are a thing the brain does. It's not THE SAME THING, but they are similar in the way that they are experienced internally as very real.

And I think that accepting the existence of alters as "real and valid" is important, but I don't think it should (or needs to) come at the expense of people who experience delusions, (or identity compartmentalization for any other reason).

In my experience, identity compartmentalization, that isn't coming out as scary delusions of control, is usually among the healthier coping mechanisms, delusional or not.

And creating a culture where having DID/OSDD is the only acceptable "valid" version æ variety of this type of experience is really not helpful for anyone. For one thing, it means that people with these types of experiences will be extremely prone to assume that they must have DID, potentially to the point of delusion, potentially to the point of making themselves more ill (developing amnesia, inducing memories etc) - and when it turns out they DON'T have DID, they will be terrified that they were "faking", when in fact they were just acting according to their current best understanding of themselves..

Not to mention, they will feel the obligation to bury any hint of identity compartmentalization within themselves, to conform to a social world that insists these experiences are "problematic" by virtue of being "not real", somehow.

.....ok I think I went off on a whole ass rant...

Was this helpful at all, anon?

[bushs-world]

Anon challenge: this challenge is to help spread awareness about the harms the Loki series has done.

https://lowkeycritical.tumblr.com/post/665952395270995968/a-letter-to-the-cast-and-crew-of-loki

Read this letter and share with 3 people you think would be interested. Reply with your thoughts Below!

Anon I had already tried reading this long, long letter when it was first published unsuccessfully. I did try again, only because I was curious why people found selfcest transphobic.

After reading this, I can say I only agree with one problem the series had- the genderfluid representation, but it's nothing new since I realised the series had this issue long before I read this letter.

The rest minus the AGP part was completely useless and a complete waste of time. Like the Loki series did harm because Loki was ooc in the series, was nerfed, didn't use magic and allspeak? It makes zero sense to me. There are so many troubles in the real world right now, we just got out of a global pandemic, there's unrest everywhere. And this is the thing antis believe does harm? A fictional character being ooc in a fictional series? Loki is a fictional character in a fictional story so how the hell does his power level do any real life harm?

Now about the AGP and selfcest part, I get that there are some people who feel selfcest is transphobic. And I am not trying to invalidate anyone's hurt. But this has been niche sci fi concept for so long. And let me assure you a majority of the sci fi fans don't look as this concept as trans rhetoric but as fun, thought provoking concept that can't exist irl. I myself was so confused when antis started calling sylki transphobic, because the fact that such a stereotype ever existed about trans people only came to my knowledge after antis started ranting about it.

But keeping all this aside, there's one fundamental flaw in this selfcest controversy that is often overlooked no matter how many times the cast and sylki fans shout it off the roofs. And that is Sylvie is her own person, not just a female Loki. Loki didn't fall for Sylvie because she was his female counterpart, but because of her own strength and grit and their bonding over their life. I have never seen antis factor in this when they rant about sylki and selfcest. Instead they follow his absolute rigid thought that sylvie is Loki, completely invalidating Sylvie's struggle in the series to separate herself from the role of a Loki. This absolutism reminds of some TERF ideologies which leave no room for expression of one's individual identity. Imo, Sylvie is stripped of her self identity, one she made for herself and beaten down in the role of a Loki in order to shame the ship and it's shippers. Many antis straight out refuse to factor in this nuance of Sylvie, rather they employ a black and white thinking where either sylvie is a Loki or she is not.

That said, there was two things in this letter I found absolutely baseless and totally stupid. First that sylki is incest' because they both share the last name?? Sylvie is the daughter of his universes' Laufey, Loki the son of his universes' Laufey. If you go see Spiderman NWH, then you will realise that each of the spidey had their own aunt May. And I don't think I need to tell people that Tobey! Aunt May, Andrew! Aunt May and Tom! Aunt May are three totally different people. For Sylki to be incest, they are supposed to be born or raised by the exact same person; being born to two separate variants with the same identity isn't the same as being born to the same person. So, this incest is just deliberate twisting of the situation to add fake morality so that it is easier to hate the ship

Secondly, it's true romance isn't necessary for each story, but that doesn't mean adding romance makes a story worthless. And if a story wants to add romance as it's main theme, like the Loki series did, it has very right to do it. This idea that romance is inherently bad and unnecessary is a misogynist thought that looks down upon romance because it is something predominantly enjoyed by women. Hating a romantic arc is one thing, claiming a story would have been better without a romance or that it wasn't needed is another.

Ultimately, minus a few valid points, this letter feels like a rant because the series didn't fit into the headcannon and desires of certain fans. And while it is ok to rant about it or hate it, I don't get why antis are so eager to push their agenda down our throats. It's definitely exhausting.

[pruning-the-minds-garden]

I guess we're doing this now

Your lips are moving and you're complaining about something; that's whinging." -- Sandor Clegane

My mother in law and I have something broadly in common, and that is that both of us are mentally ill and disabled. She is more profoundly mentally ill than I am - her diagnoses are pretty extensive, as (probably) is the trauma that (likely) led to them - and differently disabled. It's... well it's complicated and not worth getting into here but it's a whole mess on its own. Anyway, we do share that aspect of our life experience. However, we approach it very differently.

This can be exemplified by one of the follow-up arguments my wife had with her, after she had her screaming fit where she spent 10-15 minutes cursing my wife out. In said argument, my mother in law said the following lines:

"You need to make allowances for people in pain."

"I don't remember that; you can't expect me to apologize for something I can't remember doing."

"You know I'm mentally unwell, and that's just going to happen sometimes."

... and when I heard those things I was practically vibrating with anger. When I fuck up because I'm in pain or in a dark headspace, I still apologize. When I hurt people because I'm going through something myself and not thinking clearly that may explain it, but that doesn't excuse it. You can say "I was not at my best in that moment and I'm very sorry for what I did," and that's a genuine apology... but the closest she came was "I'm sorry that you take Mark's feelings more seriously than you take mine" and that's fucking ridiculous.

You also need to follow up your apology with a genuine attempt at restitution and reasonable prevention of repeated occurrences of the same thing in the future, or the apology is itself just hollow words. So, when I fuck up and hurt someone because I'm in pain or something, I tell them both that I'm sorry and what triggered it and how I will prevent that combination of factors coming together in the future. I lay out what I am going to do, for them, so that they know I am aware that this is not an insignificant thing to me and that I am doing what I need to do to fix it.

She's doing none of that. Hell, she hasn't even apologized. What gets me is that my wife is just kinda okay with (or at least willing to accept) that, and now talking to her and moving on, albeit slowly, with the relationship. Like... I get that her choices are her choices and her priorities are not mine. She gets to set her own lines for what enough is in any given situation, and there is a lot of emotional context to this that I cannot see. But, if I did something that obviously abusive to her and then didn't even apologize, she would be sleeping at someone else's house by now and definitely not talking to me.

I also recognize that I cannot completely separate my vitriol at my MIL consistently misgendering me and invalidating my gender identity, as well as repeatedly stepping all over other triggers she knows speak to past traumas (and she's a rape crisis counselor, y'all!), nor my anger at my own mother doing similar, from my anger at this situation so there is an additive effect... but for fuck's sake, like, this whole thing is fuuuuuuucked. I'm keeping as quiet as I can and playing the role I need to play as caregiver, helping mend hurt feelings and listen where appropriate and when asked... but keeps my lips from moving is hard. I want to say a lot. I have a lot to say about this whole situation. But, it's not mine to comment on. If my wife wants to rebuild a relationship with her abusive, transphobic, increasingly MAGA-hat-wearing mother because she's afraid of being left without a parent in the world even though she's doing more caring for her mother in both the practical and financial sense than being cared for by her mother... that's her decision, not mine. I might not think it's the right one (made obvious by the framing of the prior sentence), but it's not my life, and therefore not my call to make. I will be there for her regardless, as long as that decision does not become something untenable for us in one way or another.

[gentil-minou]

Warning this is gonna be extremely rambly and long winded. Thank you for your patience <3

As someone who has experienced abuse, I love the sentimonster theory.

In truth I'm actually very similar to Adrien, We have both lived an entire life under emotional abuse. I mean we have the same hair too but thats irrelevant. Now our situations aren't one to one but our trauma responses and the way our trauma has changed us is nearly identical. The only glaring difference is that he is an overly altruistic dork where i became cynical and sarcastic. Relentless optimism, 0 self preservation, jokes constantly,

We are both incredibly passive and his triggered response about being a burden and how he goes about that is the same. I see a lot of myself represented directly in Adrien, and it means a lot to me because you don't often see emotional abuse portrayed on tv, much less for boys.

I have been able to remove myself from my bad situation and have for the first time seen what its like to be free of constant emotional manipulation. I am learning how to be normal and the reactions and systems i've built up for myself. Everyday I feel like a fish out of water because I also have to learn how to be normal.

Just like Adrien I don;t really know how to talk to people or make friends, what a normal reaction to conflict is, who I am and figuring out my identity. I am constantly learning new things about myself and i act like a lost puppy, because i truly am.

The sentiAdrien theory in my opinion doesnt invalidate his abuse, it is a plot relevant reminder of it. It shows what it is like to be abused to someone who either hasnt been or doesnt realize they have, (much like where Adrien is right now). The feelings of no control, no identity or purpose. It also gives Adrien a physical reminder of his own self in the future. A ring that shows that he is in control of his destiny.

I love the theory and how it can help younger viewers, or normal viewers, and even our characters understand just how emotional abuse works and affects someone.

It completely changes the way your brain is wired and your perception of things. You feel like you have no control, and are hopeless. Thats why you develop intense optimism.

Now this show has come to me at an important part of my life, right when I was leaving my situation and moving away. When you are abused by a parent or authority figure that you cannot simply avoid and/or rely on theres almost stages of trauma.

When you're like adrien you're in the thick of it and don't realize the impact on you. Once you leave and your brain starts to stabilize only then can you realize the truth of it. I think that many of the people who dislike the theory do so because it reminds them of things they dont want to think about, and relate adrien having a path of acceptance and love ahead of him might get a little jealous because it felt/feels uncertain to them.

It upsets me a tad that people hate the theory but thats whatever. I really like it and I am very interested to see where they go with it. Up until this point I am very satisified on how they have portrayed adriens character and his reactions. I think the show does a really good job of showing emotional abuse in a kids cartoon.

I hope they never redeem gabe, and i'm riding on the kids show aspect to get that happy ending. I am worried on adrien's future with having no parents, and I do think emilie is somewhat evil and might wake up from her coma.

I really enjoy all your meta analysis and read every single one. I love hearing you talk about these things from an educated standpoint and show how this theory isn't inherently harmful to abuse survivors/victims.

It really gives me hope personally to read your kind words and shout out to my best boy Adrien <3

Anon I have to say, thank YOU for sharing your inspiring story and journey with me. It was truly one of the highlights of my day.

I don't have much to add on besides to agree with what you said, because I also think sentiadrien offers valuable insight into the complexities of what it's like to heal from this sort of trauma and how hard it is.

It makes sense to me why some people hate it. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, I definitely have some of mine that would be controversial. What's important to remember is that, like you said, Adrien is going to be okay because the show will have a happy ending for him. And he will likely be stronger too, just like you are for being able to speak your truth <3

I also hope Gabe rots in jail, but I think Adrien will be okay in the future. He has Mari, and Plagg, and Tikki, and Nino, and Alya, and Tom and Sabine, and an entire army of friends (and fans) ready to support him. And I think even if he doesn't seem okay, he will continue living and moving forward because he would have shown how strong he is to be able to move forward from a traumatic situations. (Just like you, anon <3)

[butchba1t]

Ok so. I'm a ~complete stranger~. I've never seen your blog before, never interacted before, we probably run in completely different circles here on Tungle dot heck. I just happened to see your most recent post about the pronouns when I decided to check out the hurt/comfort tag before bed (idk why it showed up there? It just did). So honestly, feel free to completely disregard this message, especially if you just wanted to vent and don't want any advice.

But! But. The thing is, I saw your post, and like. I've Been There.

I've been in a super similar situation. I questioned my gender and my pronouns for a super heckin long time, all thru high school and beyond, and I didn't come out as non-binary to my Very Not Cis group of friends for the longest time because of all the doubts. I kept thinking, well, I can't REALLY be non-binary, because *insert many many many many MANY different doubts and justifications here*.

I just wanna share a few things that I wish I knew years ago, and I hope they help.

(Forgive me if I repeat myself or am slightly incoherent, it's late and I'm very sleepy.)

1. You are not faking. There are no "qualifications" to being non-binary. You don't need to check off a certain number of things off a checklist in order to be considered "really" non-binary. Your gender is up to you, and you alone, and if anyone tries to tell you that you don't "count" because you don't experience *insert thing*, then screw them (and not in a fun way). They don't dictate your identity or your life.

2. You Do Not Need To Have All The Answers. You don't need to have every little aspect of your identity nailed down and sequestered into a neat little box that will stay the same forever! You don't have to have a Final Answer, life isn't an essay question that has to be submitted by a certain date! You don't have to pick something and commit to it forever. You don't need to make any sort of Final Decision on what your gender is. You don't even need a definite answer to the question "what is your gender identity", you can just shrug and go "wouldn't you like to know, weather boy >:3" and leave it at that!

Half the time I describe my gender as "girl in the same way a square is a rectangle, non-binary in the way that pink is light red" (yes I stole that from a tiktok audio, why do you ask?)! And that's fine!

3. I'll let you in on a secret: you can change your gender and pronouns as many times as you want!!! You can use they/them today, she/her tomorrow. You can use they/them for 20 Heckin Years, then decide one day that you wanna use neo-pronouns! Or you wanna use she/her! Doing so does not invalidate the time you spent using they/them, and doesn't mean you were "faking".

Gender is fluid and weird and wibbly-wobbly. Sometimes it's vaguely incomprehensible. Sometimes everything clicks and makes perfect sense. Sometimes it stays the same over a life time, and sometimes it changes slowly over a lifetime, and sometimes, for some people, it changes day to day.

It's okay to be scared and uncertain. You have a whole lifetime to figure yourself out, and a whole lifetime of things to learn and experience. You don't have to nail down everything right now, and you're allowed to change pronouns as many times as you want.

You said your friend used gender neutral language for you, and it made you happy! That's great!!! Go ahead and keep using gender neutral terms! Maybe you'll change your mind later, maybe you won't, and it doesn't matter which one it ends up being!

What matters is what makes you happy, and what helps you feel most comfortable and content in day to day life.

Again, I'm sorry to pop out of nowhere like this into your inbox and leave a huge essay, but I just. Your post really hit me somewhere personal and close, and I wanted to share all the things I wish I knew 3 years ago.

I hope you find what makes you happy, and I wish you a wonderful, wonderful life. Goodnight, sweet dreams in whatever time one you're in, and best of luck on your journey through life.

Thank you so much. This was a really important message for me that you sent at the perfect time. Every now and then I come and read it again and I think it’s time for me to share this with other people who might need to read this as well and I hope it helps them too.

[posi-pan]

I just want to jump in and say as a nonbinary person I agree that the idea that nonbinary is included in all sexualities is erasing my gender. A gay man wouldn't be attracted to me/want to date me because I'm not a man. A lesbian wouldn't be attracted to me/want to date me bc I'm not a woman, and I would feel invalidated if they were to be completely honest. It would mean they wouldn't see me as who I truly am, but instead as a guy or girl. I am not a man or a woman, i don't want to be thought of as such

yeah it's just a very varied situation. some gays/lesbians might feel their attraction encompasses some nonbinary people, others might not. some nonbinary people might be comfortable being included in gay/lesbian attraction, others might not. everyone has the right to determine their own identity and language for it and what categories they're comfortable being included in, etc. and we're all different, so any kind of blanket statements inevitably erase or invalidate people.

[nesta-stan]

If you use the term “White-Passing” please try to stay conscientious of how that word is evolving and it's many nuances

Celebrity trends of tanning and the adoption of certain ethnic features have changed how people view what is and is not white-passing. I had this conversation with my aunt the other day, and in it, I mentioned that I was white-passing. She looked at me like I was crazy. You don't know this, but I am 100% Puerto Rican on both sides. Many of the features I have that might have been markers for my ethnicity twenty years ago are now just trends. Slightly bigger lips, tanner skin, and thicker eyebrows. (although Idk if my skin can even if you can consider me tan anymore, seeing as how dark white people are going.)

Sometimes you need to ask yourself the question. "Is this person white-passing? Or do they look like white people who try to look like POC?"

Disclaimer: This is not to shame anyone. I know plenty of people know about this, but I have been seeing so many actual POC in which, to me at least, were obviously Poc be called and bashed for being either "white-passing" or just assumed to be a white person "trying to be POC."

Yes, colorism is alive and well. Yes lighter skinned and mixed poc are used as stand ins to represent much more diverse communities, but it is not an excuse to invalidate actual real life POC when a lot of them probably had experiences with racism before their skin and features became "trendy" and to recognize those older people who grew up with a different set of standards of what looks white and what "looks like a POC."

I see this a lot on TikTok: actual people of color have to defend themselves against ignorance when they do not look "dark enough". Also features such as lighting and makeup can lighten a POC skin tone. There are situations where all of a sudden, they are being told to shut up about their culture and identities because they turned the flash on their camera. I found several videos from tiktok that addressed this and because I can only add 1 video per post I merged them so you can see them below.

Also, skin color in no way, shape or form is an accurate estimate of someone's genetic or cultural proximity to whiteness. Race, in itself, is a social construct. My stepbrother is only half Puerto Rican and half white, yet his skin is naturally much darker than mine. Beyonce up there who has lighter skin compared to other black people, has two black parents. The six people below were tested by national geographic and found to all have the same mix of geologic roots in percentages but Some have more ethnic features than others.

I also notice that many white activists come from the right place, but try to completely invalidate and speak over actual people of color about their experiences because they look "too white to have experienced racism." When in reality that is just their own ignorance showing. Just because someone is trending now does not mean all their prior experiences just never happened.

Also, in the united States at least, things like blood quantums, were only used to eradicate native cultures so they could steal there land. The hole idea of white passing is rooted in whiteness expanding to keep their status quo as the majority. There are white people today who's ethnicity would not be considered white 200 years ago but because those groups began to team up with other minorities, they were adopted into the white status quo.

So yes, do I and others have a certain privilege because of the way we look, yes but that doesn't mean you can completely discount people's entire identities. No. Especially, if you aren't apart of that identity as well.

This was originally supposed to expand into why I think some people choose to still believe that every illyrian is getting these extreme sun tans from living 24/7 in winter wonderland but I think this is enough. To get the point.

Or Should I do a part 2 just about that?

My biggest fear is making representation where there is none cause I was looking through sjms official pinterest and some of the pictures she tags as being inspiration for Cassian are poc and some are not. Here are two pics from that page.

[alatismeni-theitsa]

You are being completely absurd, (regarding to your last ask) if someone is half of 2 ethnicities by either of their parent, they are more than allowed to call themselves that ethnicity even if they didn’t grew up as that or aren’t immersed in that culture. Just because they didn’t do all that, it doesn’t make them any less of the ethnicity they belong to. Like WHat??????? Are you serious? Mixed people already go through the phase of not fitting in one place and then people like you make them feel even worse.

Dude, you are missing the context and ethnicity was never on the table. It was about cultural participation.

The person was insecure about claiming a culture, in case they were like these Americans who have an Italian grandma but they have done one Italian thing in their life and think that's Italian culture. (They linked a similar post, that's how I know). And in the end it turns out anon was immersed in all the three cultures, and didn't have the attitude of an American girl who says "oooh I feel the Slavic ancestors from 3 centuries ago singing in my bloooddd", or a woman's whose bio father is Irish and didn't have ties with her family but never touched an Irish thing in her life but wants to make her wedding Irish just for the aesthetic, or a dude who glorifies his "Germanic line" and thinks he's a knight.

To my initial understanding, anon was trying to be self critical in case they were superficial like these people, and needed a quick, basic discussion to help in their identity journey.

I am also working with limited information and I was trying to cover as many scenarios as possible. And I also put 100 disclaimers, so to not invalidate anything and anyone.

For example, I never said the person is not allowed to call themselves Russian, and I also suggested Russian elements for the wedding. More than that, I told anon that they are free to ignore me (multiple times) because I don't dictate their life, and they know their cultural upbringing better. Plus, anon asked for my opinion twice (two asks), and didn't seem offended by my first answer. It was a discussion very personal to their complicated own experiences, and not applicable to every mixed person in the world, obviously.

Please don't be offended in behalf of that person. Not only is every mixed person's case different, but if they get offended by my wording and answers to their questions, they'll tell me themselves. Like, they can tell me "no, I don't actually feel "10% Russian, I feel 99%" and I would be like "Alright, that's pretty cool, you know better".

For their own situation they judged that they wanted my opinion for whatever reason. Blaming me for saying my opinion is like blaming the mixed person for asking in the first place. Because when you ask you want an answer back. They wanted my opinion, that's why they asked - twice. And, as I repeatedly said, anon is always free to judge if my answers are applicable to them or not.

And last but not least, my answer to one mixed person with their own personality and thoughts doesn't have to resonate with every mixed person. My word is not the gospel anyway, as I wrote, I just answered the questions a specific mixed person willingly put in my ask box.

[cicada-envy]

I didn't realize it was this hard to be Trans. Like? I had gender dysphoria when I was 13-14 and it was so much easier back then for some reason. Maybe it's because I can articulate my feelings better now. Maybe it's also because I'm VERY AWARE that my family is unsupportive. I don't think I could ever come out to them and be it as they are my only family left i don't want to cut them off, they've done too much for me. It's so hard realizing your gender. Back then I was 100% into just being a Trans guy. You know, going on testosterone, top surgery, maybe even bottom surgery. But after giving it up for so many years, it's a completely different experience. I wish I had never given it up. It feels harder to have to explain to all these people I met after giving it up. I feel like they wouldn't understand why I started being Trans, quit for years, and now I'm "suddenly" Trans again. It feels invalidating for myself because today, I don't want top/bottom surgery, and the only thing I would want from testosterone is a deeper voice. It's probably because I'm currently residing in the nonbinary label of Trans still. But I don't feel justified in even using the Trans label because I AM unsure of those things that so many use a catalyst for their transition. Despite the fact I've already figured out my sexuality and am open with it, I've never really had to deal with coming out. I never felt like it was needed. But to change my whole gender identity, it counts on me coming out to people. It's hard when you don't have anyone to talk to about how you're feeling. Especially when I need input. My fiance doesn't really know how to navigate the whole situation. He has taking to using male aligned compliments and junk but there's only so much he can do without tipping off my family. And he's the only one who does it. But he's the only one I've explicitly had a conversation with. I've changed my pronouns in bios and shit but that doesn't help bc its not like my friends are checking my profile regularly idk I might continue the rant later my fiance wants in the car

[feuilletoniste]

bad post review, happiest season edition

First of all I’m almost 100% sure that this person is the scammer formerly known as roofbeams aka Seph Nixon son of Cynthia Nixon aka the person who pretended to be working class for [period of time I don’t actually remember] to garner sympathy while actually being incredibly wealthy, so like, keep that in mind when reading this bullshit take.

So the thing is, I completely understand the desire to exclude queer people from groups such as “the 1%” or “cops” or “dictators” or “military” or whatever the fuck it is this time, but that’s not how it works. A butch lesbian who is also a police officer is still a butch lesbian even if you don’t ideologically agree with her career choice -- I don’t either, but I’m not going to invalidate her identity, because I’m not a fucking asshole.

Anyway, I personally didn’t find Happiest Season very enjoyable, mostly because it’s just not my usual taste, which is fine. I think it’s a very important moment, that there’s a cheesy middle-class Christmas romcom of the Hallmark style... but about lesbians. Seriously, if you look at this fact -- divorced from the opinion of the content of the film itself -- and think it’s NOT a win, I don’t think we agree fundamentally on how homophobia works. It’s okay to celebrate positives (such as getting a cheesy Christmas romcom starring queer women) while also acknowledging that those positives exist in a deeply flawed and prejudiced and oppressive society. It’s the same philosophy as the Kamala Harris discussion: it’s possible to acknowledge that the fact Kamala Harris, a Jamaican-Indian-American woman, is the next Vice President of the US, is a monumental victory in terms of diversity and representation of marginalized and minority communities... while also understanding that this victory takes place in a society designed and utilized to harm marginalized and minority groups, and someone like Kamala Harris could use her power for ill in the same way heterosexual cisgender white men could. I seriously cannot underestimate the value of nuance in conversations such as these. Unless you are actively going to overthrow the current political and economic international system, overturning centuries of societal growth and progress, in favor of replacing it with some post-work Communist utopia (lol), within the time frame of, oh, a month and a half... then it’s okay to be happy that the election of Kamala Harris is progress for women, African-Americans, Indian-Americans, Jamaican-Americans, those from immigrant families, etc., etc. You are capable of having more than one thought in your brain at once, I hope.

But I digress.

In direct response to this post: yes, Seph, there is in fact "room" for queer people in, as you call it, "the Reaganite upper class WASP nuclear family" (I think you'd know, wouldn't you?). The Birdcage is a wonderful film that addressed how, at the time it was made, queer people and straight people led fundamentally different lives with fundamentally different experiences, and cultural crossovers failed when there was no attempt at mutual understanding. While certain parts of The Birdcage are comedic, the underlying theme speaks more to the chasm between those two groups. The connection fails because there's not an effort to understand each other.

Also, I don't think the basic premise of the movie was intended to be akin to The Birdcage, to be honest. I think it was a cute, cheesy, kind of stupid holiday romcom about a more conservative family coming to accept their lesbian daughter and her female partner, wrapped up in a whole "love who you are" sort of message. It's kind of dumb, it's cliche, it's cheesy. But, pray tell, how many other movies like it can you name? None? Right. That's the point.

Look. I didn't think it was a groundbreaking cinematic experience either. It was cute, sure. It was something that made me cringe at the idea of having to pretend to be straight, sure. If I were in that situation, I would've dumped my partner were they to tell me we had to be closeted, but that's just me. It's a cute, sort of bland, overall mainstream queer holiday romcom, WHICH IS THE POINT. It doesn't have to be some revolutionary upheaval destroying the boundaries of societal expectations and mores. It's not that deep.

Also, no one was stopping you from laughing at them. I wish someone had stopped you from making this post, though.

[olderthannetfic]

Hi triggered anon again. So my thing is cis males being feminized (crossdressing, lingerie, makeup, being talked to/about/treated as a woman) I'm an afab enby who's wanted to be a man until I got more comfortable to my assigned gender and now I'm happily switching day-to-day. Idk if that has to do with it? As afab I don't have any personal reason for my issues so I've been ashamed of it tbh. But I'm definitely going to see if I can find a therapist to talk with because this is... not fun.

That doesn’t sound like “no reason” to me, nonnie.

I agree no specific person did a thing to you. This isn’t an abuse situation. But dealing with gender roles is frankly kind of a slog for any human, especially an AFAB one. Maybe some cis straight dudes get to not think about gender so much, but for most of us, it’s rough.

I went through a whole period of questioning my gender when I was 14, but that was 1995, an the state of trans* stuff was very different. I concluded that I felt good in my body and gender roles are stupid, and that was the end of it. Maybe if I were 14 and going through that process now, I’d identify as nb. Who knows. It helped that I grew up in Berkeley with a mother who didn’t shave, didn’t wear makeup, and didn’t like high heels and a circle of other adult women who were similar.

Womanhood is a performance.

It’s a daunting performance involving clothing that doesn’t fit right and too much foundation and too many hours in front of a mirror. A lot of AFAB people would really love to just be allowed to be human.

That kind of fanfic is all about making a fetish of the trappings of womanhood. Sometimes, it’s about forcing an unwilling victim to be The Woman--i.e. misgendering. (A bit triggery, no?) Sometimes, it’s about a guy wanting to give up his maleness--thoughtlessly throwing away what you wanted and felt you couldn’t have. Or it could be a laundry list of other gender kinks. I mean, to me, these kinks are hot, hot, and more hot, but naturally, they’re going to stir up some feelings about gender! Give yourself a break, nonnie: it’s not weird that you maybe have some complicated feelings around the topic.

I think most of us don’t feel consciously traumatized about this shit, but... Women’s magazines, Hollywood, diet pills, advertising:

Are you really going to tell me that the vast cultural burden that is being AFAB hasn’t left scars on you? That wanting to be a man and realizing you’re nb wasn’t at least a little about wanting to be a person instead of all of that.

There’s more than enough trauma in being raised a woman to explain any number of triggers!

(But also, like regular PTSD and its triggers, some people make it through just fine and some people don’t, and we don’t really know why.)

The process of questioning your gender is not always a pleasant one. “More” comfortable is not comfortable. Knowing your own gender is not the same as being able to perform and present it to the satisfaction of the people you see every day. Sometimes our bodies and our budgets are inadequate to forcing the world to see us as we see ourselves.

I think a therapist who’s knowledgeable about enby issues is probably the way to go. The specific fanfic thing may well resolve itself on its own if other gender stuff is less fraught. Like... are you around people who believe in your identity? Or are people invalidating and misgendering you all the time? Are you closeted and conflicted? Are you fine, nonnie? Are you sure you’re fine? 100% completely fine don’t need to worry about this shit again? Or are you only on the first leg of your gender journey?

It’s possible you need exposure therapy to erotica about cis guys in panties, but that would not be my first guess for what’s going on here, you know?

[seyaryminamoto]

I recently saw a heavy criticism of The Beach saying "it's the single least realistic portrayal of teenagers on television: spoiled, rich kids don't actively shun Zuko for having a disfiguring scar on his face, no one tries to start shit with Azula over the volleyball game, teenagers referring to themselves as teenagers, a teen boy tells people not to make a mess, a bunch of 14-16 year-olds sit in a circle and psychoanalyze each other, everything else about the campfire scene." Your thoughts?

:’) that someone looks at the Beach and dismisses it for being “unrealistic” by whatever their cultural standards are is probably enough of a sign of the irrelevance of said person’s opinion. I mean, obviously they’re free to think what they will, but...

Fire Nation society is not American society. I’m going blind here, maybe this person isn’t American at all, but somehow I mostly see such kinds of narrow-minded criticism from first-worlders who are seldom exposed to lifestyles outside their particular, contemporary bubble of experiences. 

Now then, let’s get into the actual debate: Fire Nation society values violence quite a lot. Fire Nation society is full of people who saw Zuko’s literal Agni Kai burning scene, and didn’t look away: the only character who does is Iroh, a very obvious hint by the writers that Iroh has discarded the cruel moral values the rest of the Fire Nation upholds.

With this in mind, a boy with a scarred face might earn all sorts of “ews” from our societies, damn right. From Fire Nation society, though? If even watching how the burn is inflicted didn’t bother most of them, why would the result be a problem? If anything, I wouldn’t be surprised if people with burn scars are even seen more attractive because it implies they were caught in violent scuffles with fire and still survived? Of course, the argument might go that Zuko’s burn is meant to be a mark of shame... but it’s a mark of shame for PRINCE Zuko. For that mysterious boy with the emo haircut in Ember Island, whose real identity is a mystery? It is shown, instead, to result in this reaction:

Now then, we could say that this is meant to be a jab by the creators and writers at Zuko’s hordes of fangirls, because frankly, Book 3 has several instances of groups of girls swooning over Zuko and it might be what they were going for. In this case, though, they’re swooning over him WITHOUT knowing who he is, as opposed to the fangirls in Nightmares and Daydreams. So, while it absolutely can be inspired on the many Zuko fangirls the staff knew about, this actually ends up serving to characterize a society, a culture: they don’t think his scar makes him unattractive. It’s blatantly stated that their reaction is the opposite. So, instead of thinking “oh god that’s so unrealistic”, how about we actually stop trying to measure everything by our standards and consider that this could be an element of WORLDBUILDING...? :’)

(Also, I’m pretty sure there’s a fair share of privileged young women in our current society who think Kylo Ren was hot as hell with a huge scar across his face... are those people not real, by any chance? :’D If anything, they’re living proof that girls swooning over a scarred boy in ATLA are absolutely feasible, no matter if not everyone shares their opinion)

Continues under the cut becasue this got long....

Now then, Azula is shown to take the Kuai ball game too far. She outright causes the ball, in the final kick, to burst into flames and burns the net. Going by Chan and Ruon Jian, these kids are privileged idiots, why lie... but are these privileged idiots stupid enough to see a girl flying three feet into the air, kicking a firebent ball and then giving a foreboding speech, and say “OKAY WE’RE GONNA PICK A FIGHT WITH YOU FOR BEING SO COMPETITIVE!”???? I mean... honestly. Why would anyone do this? Azula turned an inoffensive Kuai ball game into a battlefield singlehandedly: THIS, as well, is meant to be a display of characterization. That people don’t take the game so seriously, that they wouldn’t pick a fight with her because she’s dangerous or because they just don’t care as much as she does... it’s characterizing Fire Nation people every bit as much as it characterizes Azula.

Azula and Zuko are both shown reacting in ridiculous ways to casual things in this episode: Azula takes the game too far, potentially stages the burning down of a house in retaliation for being rejected by a boy, Zuko is hysterical and jealous and snaps at Mai over stupid things... it’s, again, a matter of showing how poorly adjusted these characters are. They’re not normal kids. They DON’T behave like normal kids. Normal, privileged kids in the Fire Nation, are kids like Chan and Ruon Jian. The episode literally gives you the chance to see Fire Nation society for what it is, in a way no other episode does... and because it’s not like our societies, it’s somehow wrong?

... Also, teenagers referring to themselves as teenagers is somehow unrealistic? I mean... is it nowadays? I don’t think any teenagers had a problem with saying they were teens in my youth :’DDD literally remember MCR released a song called Teenagers and a lot of us loved it to pieces. What exactly is so outrageous about it? Might be that this worked better in the mid-00′s, but I hardly think this makes no sense? Aang refers to himself as a kid earlier in the show, is that unrealistic too and worth rebuking a whole episode over? Are all teenagers supposed to be pretending to be grown-ups, like so many 16-year-olds on Tumblr who always talk like they’ve figured out the world and try to impose rules on fully-grown adults upon whom they have absolutely no power? :’DDDDD Yeah, I think this particular point is a stupid thing to make a fuss over. Honestly, it is.

Chan tells people not to make a mess = unrealistic. Ha. Did this person ignore his reactions at the chaos Azula, Zuko, Mai and Ty Lee caused in his house? “YOU BROKE MY NANA’S VASE!!!”, anyone? Like... I’m sorry, but this IS characterization, yet again! This shows Chan is a spoiled brat who wants to stay in his family’s good graces. The party isn’t at all as crazy and wild as you’d expect from, again, an American teenage party... and why? Because, for one thing, Chan is clearly afraid of the consequences of too much chaos in the beach house: this implies fear of authority, of his parents, perhaps even his grandparents. 

For another, again, FIRE NATION SOCIETY: what does this clever critic know, by any chance, of Nazi Germany’s Hitler Youth? I’ve watched a few documentaries about it, and basically if you were a boy and you weren’t in Hitler Youth, you were no one. You were worthless. And what happened in Hitler Youth? Conditioning to the extreme. These kids were taught all the alt-right ideology that Tumblr despises, and they were made to believe it was an undeniable reality. Were there cases of kids who didn’t like it, kids who didn’t approve of it? Surely. But the general idea of Hitler Youth was to educate every kid to behave in the way Hitler considered appropriate, to the point where “the notion "Germany must live" even if they (members of the HJ) had to die was "hammered" into them.”

This is, of course, an extreme example and I’m sure Fire Nation education wasn’t that extreme because we saw it for ourselves, it’s not. But a slightly milder version of it? That’s absolutely feasible and consistent with what we see in The Headband. Therefore, kids getting high and drunk at a party? Maybe that kind of thing simply DOESN’T happen in a Fire Nation party? :’) Maybe they’re taught that those kinds of things are off-limits to anyone under a certain age (or outright forbidden, might be the case with drugs), and as they live in a tyrannical society that priorizes the Fire Lord and his decrees above all else, where his word is treated as that of a god, even mischievous teenagers refuse to act out? :’D oh, what an implausible concept, this just can’t possibly make any sense! Hitler Youth is unrealistic too!

Lastly, that a bunch of kids would sit in a circle psychoanalyzing each other seems implausible to this person is actually laughable for me. Not only have I constantly found myself, from my early teenage years to current days, serving as some sort of unofficial therapist for many of my friends, who share their woes and ask me for advice (whether they’ll heed it or not), most importantly, I once had an experience with a friend, back in high school, much like what happens with these kids in The Beach, after I’d spent years doing a lot of post-depression introspection. I shared a lot of stuff I didn’t often talk about, and beats me WHY I felt completely comfortable sharing it with my friend that day, but I did. She understood me, listened, offered her opinion, and we talked about her problems too. This happened when I was 15-16. If this person has never experienced such situation... why, that’s not anyone’s business. But it’s certainly not their business to determine this just DOESN’T happen, to anyone, ever. I can safely say it does, to people who do have problems and who sometimes just need a friendly shoulder to rely on. Maybe this critic’s life is just so perfect they’ve never had to share their woes with anyone else :’) I’m afraid that doesn’t invalidate those of us who are different, and it doesn’t invalidate the possibility that those four could talk, as they did, without breaking characterization, in the scene of the fireplace at the beach.

ANYWAYS...

Saying that a show about a group of kids who save the world and then effectively become leaders of such world, facing very little opposition in the process, is unrealistic because “teenagers aren’t like that becuase I wasn’t like that as a teenager” may be one of the most ridiculous and shortsighted things I’ve seen in this fandom, AND I’VE SEEN A LOT OF RIDICULOUS AND SHORTSIGHTED THINGS. A person’s experiences are NOT universal, regardless of how widespread their culture may be. More importantly, fiction does NOT have to abide by rules established by our current society’s state and cultural values. ATLA, as it is, is a completely different world from our own, regardless of its inspiration in many Asian cultures.

I, personally, find it a lot more unrealistic that Fire Lord Zuko can become Fire Lord without much in the way of visible protesting or boycotting when he was a banished prince who didn’t even win in his Agni Kai against Azula since it’s Katara who ends up defeating her and, as far as the rules go, Azula technically won even if not in the most dignified of ways. I find it even more unrealistic that LOK tells us Zuko was Fire Lord successfully for 70+ years and the Fire Nation has been fully reformed into a non-warmongering country despite the 100+ years of indoctrination started by Sozin’s rule. That this gets swept under a rug, not only in the neatly wrapped finale that leaves a thousand unanswered questions, but in the sequel show that merely confirms Zuko succeeded and shows NOTHING of how he managed to reform such a fucked up society...? That is a thousand times more important to me than “privileged kids aren’t acting like privileged kids OMG!”. Honestly, you want privileged kids abusing all their privileges in our society? Go watch Gossip Girl, I genuinely recommend it. You want something that proposes a completely different possibility and a glance at what a society guided by a tyrannical dictator looks like? Feel free to watch The Beach again with a completely different focus and MAYBE you’ll understand what the writers were going for.

If this person happens to see my answer, I hope they learn that worldbuilding, for a storyteller, entails CREATING a world that isn’t necessarily like the one we’re familiar with. There are multiple layers to such a world, and society and culture are some of them. Not all cultures and societies work the same way, which is part of why sometimes you’ll find behaviors from people who belong to wholly different cultures and wind up perplexed because whatever they’re doing is completely unfamiliar for you. Are there any universal behaviors in humans? Maybe! But in a work of FICTION, even the most universal of behaviors can be changed, deleted, altered however the writer sees fit! :’D it’s not a novel concept, and as far as logical fallacies are concerned, this show features a whole slew of those that have nothing to do with this peculiar sense of “realism”, fallacies that absolutely can and should be called out. Namely, things that contradict the internal logic of the show, rather than things that are incompatible with OUR world. Portraying a world that’s very different from ours, on virtually every level you can think of? That’s called creativity, not lack of realism. Please learn the difference.

[killherfreakout]

I'm sorry if this is too personal please only share if you're comfortable but I'm having a bit of a crisis and I think you might be able to help. did you ever have difficulty in figuring out if you identified as pan vs. bi? and like what helped you figure it out? the labels confuse and overwhelm me and I almost don't even want to bother but like... I want to clear this up in my own head so I can like pick which flag to buy and also just be able to have something to call myself. thank youuu ❤️

hi ! ❣️no worries! i don’t mind sharing, especially if it can help someone like you :) i want to start by saying that it’s completely okay if you don’t have it figured out rn (or ever! labels are only for you and what you’re comfortable with). and you are completely valid either way, and any label you choose or don’t choose 💛 

i also have said some things about finding comfort in my pansexuality here and here (yes, even and eliott had a really big influence on me 🥺 as well as ola from sex education!!) — plus i would direct you to this post that explains the differences between bisexuality and pansexuality really clearly and respectfully, imo! more about this under the cut :)

i was ignorant to all the possibilities that ‘not straight’ could be, honestly, and didn’t even know that pansexual was an identity/sexuality at all. i think i was talking to a friend and she was talking about someone (a guy) she knew who had feelings for another guy, and she said something like ‘he could be gay, but maybe he’s bi or pan’ and i was like hm...what’s pan? (i didn’t ask bc that wasn’t the point of the convo, but i totally could have. i just didnt want to make it about me idk, nut looking back i just should have asked lol) so anyways, i remember looking online for what it was and when i read some descriptions, i had the light bulb moment and was like, ‘oh. that’s how i feel’ and told myself that i was pan, mostly bc having no label felt ‘wrong’ to me (it isn’t wrong at all!!!!) and i wanted something to narrow down how i felt rather than just confused.

i don’t remember exactly which definition it was that made me realize it, and there are a lot of them out there, and yes, there is some overlap between bi and pan. it can be confusing, and i totally understand your feelings about not knowing which one you identify with! especially without knowing the differences between them and the experiences of both bi/pan individuals.

but the part that i identify with and find comfort in with the label of pansexual is that: i am attracted to those of any gender, and my attraction to people doesn’t change based on gender. my personal definition of it is simply that if i like someone, i like them; their gender has no account into it. — this includes those who are trans or of a gender outside of the binary. bisexuality also includes these folks! 

i recommend reading the post i linked earlier in the ask for more specific definitions of the two!!! it’s as simple as that to me, and pan is the label i choose to identify with bc it makes me feel comfortable and most like myself. (i personally don’t have a ‘preference’ when it comes to gender, but if you do, that’s completely fine too!)

i kept it to myself for about a year before i started to really truly accept it and told my friends and people close to me. (my parents don’t really know bc i haven’t said it directly but i think they can tell that i’m not 100% straight lol, but thankfully i don’t think they would mind, and i’m really lucky for that.)

i also remember having a really deep conversation with my best and closest friend about both of us feeling attraction to more than just guys, and i kind of came out as pan and she came out as bi, but we were both unsure at the time, but it felt so good to tell someone and be accepted and loved for it 💖 and yes we have that bi/pan solidarity we need so much more of !!!!!!!

it sucks bc over the past year or so i have been out as pan i’ve seen/experienced a lot of situations where my sexuality has been invalidated, and i always try to not let it get me down, but it still does. what helps with that though is that there are so many people that feel the same way i do, and see themselves the same way i do, and even more who validate and support me and my pansexuality, and at the end of the day the label is for me and not them, and i take pride in it and who i am bc it makes me happy, and that’s how it should be!!! 💗💛💙 < also how cute are the colors of the flag!!! :’)

this was super long but i hope it helps you and anyone questioning, and i’m always here for you and anyone if you want to talk about it more or have more questions! (on anon or in dms!) and you are valid no matter which label you choose or if none of them fit for you, and i wish you all the best!!! ✨:D

[tomakeitbeautifultolive]

Hey I was just wondering on your interpretation of Jonerys in the books? Because according to the bad leaks we will get Jon killing Dany, but in the book version its pretty clear that these two will marry and I don't necessarily see how those two things jive with each other, unless we get a literal repeat of the Azor Ahai/Nissa Nissa bs with them🤷🏼‍♀️ Thoughts? Because I have given up hope for the show and need some reassurance on the books after reading all of them plus the history books,,

Look, anon. Even in the fucking show these two have been paralleled to death - in a way that inextricably links their lives together, as seen here and here and here. When you learn that when Ian McElhinney (Barristan Selmy) confronted D&D about how he thought it was too early to kill off his character, it made them want to kill him more, out of spite… it makes it pretty clear what D&D are doing.

In their effort to adhere to shock and subversion… they’ve left mounds of unused foreshadowing all over the place (I’m still working on a master post of unused foreshadowing and plot elements). As you might’ve guessed, Jonerys foreshadowing is among those casualties - such as Dany mentioning she may have to enter in a political marriage at the end of season 6 before setting sail for Westeros, or the four different instances that challenge Dany’s belief that she can’t have children, that her family hasn’t seen its end, and that Longclaw will go to Jon’s children after him. As of right now, none of the leaks indicate that any of this meant anything other than dialogue filler. If it was never intended to amount to anything, then the writers should not have included these lines at all, especially in a show that was cut down from ten episodes to seven. Way, way too much emphasis was put on challenging the notion Daenerys can’t have children. It’s what a good writer might call ‘trimming the fat’ from the story, otherwise, it does nothing but muddy up the story unnecessarily.

Jonerys aside, D&D have killed so much foreshadowing in the series just to make a shocking ending (which by the way, makes no sense at all). I was flabbergasted when I read this quote from 2013:

When I asked Benioff and Weiss if it was possible to infer any overall intentionality to the upcoming 10 episodes, they sneered. “Themes are for eighth-grade book reports,” Benioff told me.

Uh, what?

As you may have seen, I already recently covered why Jon shouldn’t care so much about the incest aspect - in the comments I received, there was a great point about how Jon has borderline romantic feelings toward his cousin Arya (who he believes is his half-sister), tending to think of her when he wonders what his love interest’s (Ygritte) body looks like under all those clothes. In the original outline for the series, Jon and Arya were supposed to end up together or at least be involved in a love triangle with Tyrion.

As you see, in the books, Daenerys has already been groomed for the reality of being wedded to her brother, so her nephew won’t be some grand depature from this. She’s a dragonrider, and if the shows are to be believed, Jon will be, too - and if the majority of fans are to be believed, then there might be something magical about Targaryen blood that makes them different or unique or magical, hence the incest.

When you look at just how finely crafted this book series by GRRM is… it makes it really hard to believe that he’d throw out all of his foreshadowing for shock value.

“It’s easy to do things that are shocking or unexpected, but they have to grow out of characters. They have to grow out of situations. Otherwise, it’s just being shocking for being shocking.”—George R. R. Martin

I think we can all agree that season eight of Game of Thrones is all about futility, shock, nihilism. So, check out this quote:

Q: Early on, one critic described the TV series as bleak and embodying a nihilistic worldview, another bemoaned its “lack of moral signposts.” Have you ever worried that there’s some validity to that criticism?

A: No. That particular criticism is completely invalid. Actually, I think it’s moronic. My worldview is anything but nihilistic.—George R. R. Martin

It was George who said we’d get a bittersweet ending, not D&D. It was George who said he wanted a LotR-style ending, not D&D.

While there are many conflicting quotes out there about GRRM’s ending vs. D&D’s… This recent article published right after episode 3 had some interesting lines:

“Of course you have an emotional reaction. I mean, would I prefer they do it exactly the way I did it? Sure. It can also be… traumatic. Because sometimes their creative vision and your creative vision don’t match, and you get the famous creative differences thing — that leads to a lot of conflict.”—George R. R. Martin

My interpretation currently is that yes, Jonerys is real in the books…

(just as it was in the fucking show until they decided to abandon all preestablished groundwork and foundation) …and has been thoroughly foreshadowed - and not in a tragic way.

First of all, the series is called ‘A Song of Ice and Fire’ - while this stands for many things from literal to metaphorical, I’d say it absolutely encompasses Jon and Dany. I have some very unpopular ideas that ice actually represents Daenerys and fire, Jon. Whether or not I’m right about that, we have some hints that Jon will ultimately accept his Targaryen identity…

Subtle clue about who he is, in one of his true house’s colors:

“The next time I see you, you’ll be all in black.”Jon forced himself to smile back. “It was always my color.”

He idolizes historical Targaryens:

“Daeren Targaryen was only fourteen when he conquered Dorne,” Jon said. The Young Dragon was one of his heroes.

He’d pretend to be Targaryens while playing as a child:

“I’m Prince Aemon the Dragonknight,” Jon would call out.

For Daenerys, we get this curious line:

“Mother of dragons, bride of fire…”

Bride could also be metaphorical in some way, sure, but let’s just say it’s literal. Jon is the dragon, the fire.

Okay, so for the books, I’ll try to hit the bullet points:

First and foremost, the pair are incredibly similar, both stepping into positions of rule after immersing themselves into a foreign culture, adapting to their way of life before making allies. Both Jon and Daenerys make grave mistakes while wielding power, and they learn from their mistakes. They’re being shaped into rulers.

Both fall in love, yet still feel alone:

“Her captain slept beside her, yet she was alone.” / "Even with Ygritte sleeping beside him, he felt alone.“

Daenerys dreams of her lover:

“It was never Jorah Mormont she dreamed of; her lover was always younger and more comely, though his face remained a shifting shadow.”

Jon is described as a shadow:

“A shadow half-seen behind a fluttering curtain.” / “He would be condemned to be an outsider, the silent man standing in the shadows”

Daenerys also dreams of life as a wife and mother:

“In her dream they had been man and wife, simple folk who lived a simple life in a tall stone house with a red door.”

Both dream of children they will never have:

“I might someday hold a son of my own blood in my arms.” / "I will never have a little girl.“

From Jon’s first chapter, there are hints that Benjen knows his identity and that family might someday be important to Jon:

"You don’t know what you’re asking, Jon. The Night’s Watch is a sworn brotherhood. We have no families. None of us will ever father sons. Our wife is duty. Our mistress is honor. You are a boy of fourteen, not a man, not yet. Until you have known a woman, you cannot understand what you would be giving up.”

“I don’t care about that!” Jon said hotly.

“You might, if you knew what it meant,” Benjen said. “If you knew what the oath would cost you, you might be less eager to pay the price, son.”

We have those quotes from Maester Aemon, that hint that Jon might choose love or a child over duty:

“What is honor compared to a woman’s love? What is duty against the feel of a newborn son in your arms … or the memory of a brother’s smile? Wind and words. Wind and words. We are only human, and the gods have fashioned us for love. That is our great glory, and our great tragedy.”

While yes, Aemon hints that it is both glory and tragedy, we’re coming off a long, long line of tragic Targaryen love stories - the difference here being that one of these Targaryens is out to break the wheel that destroyed so many of these star-crossed, doomed Targaryens loves (Rhaegar/Lyanna, Duncan/Jenny, Daemon/Daenerys, Aemon/Naerys, etc).

Blue roses are linked to Lyanna Stark or even House Stark in general. In a vision, Daenerys sees:

“A blue flower grew from a chink in a wall of ice, and filled the air with sweetness.”

Meanwhile, there is foreshadowing that Dany will help Jon’s effort against the white walkers with lines like these:

“He might as well wish for another thousand men, and maybe a dragon or three.”

Daenerys, herself, has a weird moment with some ants while she wakes in the Dothraki Sea, brushing them off of her body as they swarm over a wall:

“To them these tumbledown stones must loom as huge as the Wall of Westeros. The biggest wall in all the world, her brother Viserys used to say, as proud as if he’d built it himself.”

Around the same time, Jon is killed, whispering to his wolf:

“Ghost,” he whispered. Pain washed over him. He gave a grunt and fell face-first into the snow. He never felt the fourth knife. Only the cold…

Meanwhile, after ‘opening her third eye’ with some berries, Daenerys hears the call of a wolf all the way over in Essos:

“Off in the distance, a wolf howled. The sound made her feel sad and lonely.”

We can extrapolate that this is, in fact, Ghost… as first, there don’t seem to be wolves in the Dothraki Sea, but also this line from Bran also provides context:

“Here in the chill damp darkness of the tomb his third eye had finally opened. He could reach Summer whenever he wanted, and once he had even touched Ghost and talked to Jon.”

Now that we know Jon’s true name (at least according to the show), this curious line from Daenerys also hints she might marry Jon:

“A crown should not sit easy on the head. One of her royal forebears had said that, once. Some Aegon, but which one? Five Aegons had ruled the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros. There would have been a sixth, but the Usurper’s dogs had murdered her brother’s son when he was still a babe at the breast. If he had lived, I might have married him.”

Meanwhile, Jon is infatuated with Val, a woman who sounds an awful lot like a precursor to Daenerys, who is a warrior woman with silver-pale hair… Jon is also reminded of Val’s hips and breasts and that she’s 'well made for whelping children’…

“The light of the half-moon turned Vals honey-blond hair a pale silver and left her cheeks as white as snow. She took a deep breath. The air tastes sweet.”

“Lonely and lovely and lethal, Jon Snow reflected, and I might have had her.”

“A warrior princess, he decided, not some willowy creature who sits up in a tower, brushing her hair and waiting for some knight to rescue her.”

As for GRRM, he told a helpful clue to director Alan Taylor circa season one of Game of Thrones:

“Anyways, he alluded to the fact that Jon and Dany were the point, kind of. That, at the time, there was a huge, vast array of characters, and Jon was a lowly, you know, bastard son. So it wasn’t clear to us at the time, but he did sort of say things that made it clear that the meeting and the convergence of Jon and Dany were sort of the point of the series. So, I was happy that a big step forward was taken in the episode I got to do this season is where he has fallen for her both, you know, emotionally and politically I think.”

But that’s not all. I did write a meta about the mother goddess Danu and her parallels with Dany - and this, to me, rings much more true to who Daenerys is in the books rather than whatever impostor is parading around in Dany’s skin on screen in season eight.

There is a lot of proof that GRRM puts a LOT of thought and detail into his books - even down to the Starks ‘howling’ and ‘growling’ and the Lannisters ‘roaring’. I’ve uncovered a cool trend where many of the names he assigns to characters reflect their numerological gemstone house colors - and the names he chooses all shed some light on the characters they are given to, such as Bran meaning ‘raven’ or Sandor meaning ‘defender of man’ or Gendry meaning ‘son-in-law’.

I’ve done a lot of thinking about these things, and I just cannot see GRRM throwing out all of his foreshadowing or all of the clever little things he’s been hinting at since book once, all for the sake of shock value or subverting expectations… That’s not his style and he speaks out against it.

Bearing that in mind, the clear mad queen is Cersei, who shares virtually every parallel to Aerys Targaryen - the way she tortures parent and child chained just out of reach from one another, the way torture sexually excites her, the way she was tortured into madness, and straight down to her wildfire use. Daenerys better fits the archetype of an anti-hero rather than a straight villain. With only two books left and still no signs of madness… I just don’t see it going down this way in the books.

As for whatever just happened with Daenerys, I’ve been given a compelling argument that in the books, as she squares off with (f)Aegon Targaryen, or, Young Griff, in an effort to expose the Mummer’s Dragon, she might accidentally set off these wildfire traps that make her look just like her father, and perhaps she even goes a little mad with grief.

Especially considering that ASOIAF is so heavily based on Memory, Sorrow, and Thorn, which share countless parallels, such as:

Norn (White foxes)  → The Others (White walkers)

Sithi (Dawn children) → Singers (Children of the forest)

Witchwood  → Weirwood

The Storm King → Night’s King

Ineluki → Azor Ahai

Sorrow → Lightbringer

Black iron → Dragonglass

Nisse → Nissa Nissa

Hayholt Castle → Winterfell Castle

Green Angel Tower → Winterfell Crypts

Simon Snowlock (secret heritage) → Jon Snow

Princess Miriamele (disguised as a boy) → Arya Stark

Warring brothers King Elias/Josua → Stannis/Renly

Tailed star → Red comet

Black priest Pryrates → Red priest Melisandre

Daenerys is suspected to be the Princess Maegwin figure, a woman who “is forced to watch as forces conquer her people and is eventually driven to madness in her desperation to save them.”

You make a good point about Fire & Blood and ASOIAF prehistory, too. Aside from the doomed Targaryen love stories I mentioned earlier, we get another history book that basically gives us a rundown of various Targaryen ladies who never got to be queen. I’d say this book has a strong feminist message - and might even hint that the last vestige of House Targaryen just might accomplish what her foremothers could not - finally becoming the Queen of the Seven Kingdoms.

Lastly, I’ll leave you with a clip from the man, himself, about Dany:

“From my mother’s stories, I always had this kind of sense that I was like disinherited royalty. Here was this dock that my great-grandfather built - it wasn’t ours anymore. Here was this house that my mother had been born in - we didn’t own this house anymore. We didn’t own any house, we had an apartment. So it was like, ugh, I came from greatness - like Dany! And I will take back what is mine with Fire and Blood! I think on some level, that must’ve gotten to me.”—George R. R. Martin

I could be wrong about all of this, of course… but that’s my current take. 🤷

[theclaravoyant]

hey clara! i'm writing a fic in which 13 meets some former companions, and i'm not sure how to write a non-awkward way to ask for pronouns. do you have any tips? also, if you don't mind sharing, what are your hc's on the doctor's gender identity? i'm asking bc you're the only person i know who's put some Thought into gender/pronouns. also bc you've said before that people are welcome to ask you about this. this isn't really about questioning (sorry about that) but i'd love to hear your thoughts!

YAY I love sharing :D

First of all, how I tend to write about the Doctor is that I tend to use “them” when referring to their whole self/whole life, but “he” or “she” when speaking about the specific regenerations that use those pronouns in canon. I just find it easier to capture that way. I am not sure how the Doctor would see themselves, but Thirteen does seem happy to refer to herself as a woman and be addressed with she/her etc, so that’s a good start.

In terms of gender identity, I like the idea that the Doctor is nonbinary, and to be honest, they probably wouldn’t mind any pronouns. Pronouns don’t always reflect a specific gender, but the Doctor has expressed on a few occasions that Timelords have surpassed gender and things like that, which indicates they may not feel particularly validated and/or invalidated by certain perceived genders or pronouns. We also don’t know how pronouns work(ed) on Gallifrey and given that many Timelords have turned out to be able to change gender presentation, maybe they have a very different pronoun system. Anyway, as far as the Doctor’s gender experience in canon is concerned, I would tweak this a little to say that the specific type of nonbinary identity the Doctor experiences may be something like being genderfluid - this captures the fact that their gender actually changes between male and female (and potentially nonbinary genders as well) and back again, rather than being “a man” and then “a woman” or a “coming out (binary) trans” sort of situation. This may be reflected in which pronouns they prefer at any given time.

As far as asking for pronouns goes, there probably isn’t a way to do it that won’t feel a bit awkward, because it’s not something that we are used to asking each other, but throwing some ideas out there… I wrote a few down before I came to this conclusion, but I think the best way to keep it simple is pronoun coding. (I think that’s what it’s called?)

This means, having somebody introduce Thirteen, using whichever pronouns you choose for her or a descriptor that indicates which pronouns she would prefer. For example, when introducing someone who uses they/them pronouns irl, you might set it up like “This is Alex. They are new to this school, could you show them around?” or “This is Taylor. They are going to help with the X project, I’m sure their expertise will be very valuable.” Maybe one of Thirteen’s companions, if they’re around, could refer to the Doctor with she/her pronouns - they don’t even have to be deliberately introductory. It could be like “You know the Doctor? She’s a handful, isn’t she?” Boom, pronouns coded.(PS - One way to show more strongly that it’s been deliberately coded, rather than just that everyone’s assuming boobs = she/her pronouns, would be to show the other characters’ response as if they were not sure what/how to speak about the Doctor and now feel more comfortable going forward)

That said I have a LOT of other ideas which could also work, depending on what situation the characters are in and how involved you want the pronoun conversation to get. I’ll put those below a cut as it’s getting long -

Just have them start referring to Thirteen as “she/her”. It’s a little reductive, but not unreasonable that they would just kind of go “well obviously the Doctor is a woman now so she/her pronouns”. It’s also pretty quick, so that’s handy if you don’t want to turn it into A Thing. It’s an alien situation, so a “just roll with it” “it’s not the weirdest thing that’s ever happened” approach can still work here where it wouldn’t so much work with an actual trans or nonbinary human or human character.

If you want to be a little more nuanced about it, have the old companions / people unfamiliar with Thirteen automatically start using she/her and then later, check themselves, either directly to Thirteen or to Thirteen’s companions if they’re around. The unfamiliar people could be like “wait, should I be doing that?” even though it still works as their natural first response because of how we’re used to talking about and assuming gender. This is still fairly quick to clear up if you want it to be, but it can become more involved too. It also gives you some flexibility if The Pronoun Conversation doesn’t work at the beginning of the story or when the characters meet, but there’s a moment later on that it could fit better.

Or, on a completely different note, you could introduce them in an environment where people are already asking for pronouns, eg a deliberately trans inclusive environment or some alien version of that which results in the characters trying to figure out pronouns. Maybe the Doctor has to recalibrate the Tardis translator for a culture that doesn’t have pronouns or uses them very differently to us. This may be a bit too involved for what you’re after but anyway…

A less involved version of this may be if they’re on a world or in a situation where a cultural ritual or computer simulation or something asks them some establishing information. Maybe they have to pick a doorway, maybe it’s printing them ID cards or doing some kind of security scan, maybe it’s a hospitality robot, etc etc. and it just asks some basic things like name, species, gender and/or pronouns. Maybe they even have some kind of pronoun badge equivalent happening and all Thirteen has to do is pick one (or grab a handful of them, I can imagine her with like 3-5 badges fighting for space on her lapel!). This is a bit more flexible because it could be just a quick event or you could spin it into more of something if the Doctor decides to investigate their feelings about the answer to that question or something like that.

In a less alien situation, maybe one of the companions tries to be a Good Ally when they find out about the similar-to-trans experience the Doctor has, and goes along the lines of “you’re supposed to ask about pronouns right? that’s a thing?” The Doctor may even be curious/excited about this as they may not have thought much about it before, but again it depends how much time you want to spend on it.

Pronoun Coding. (I think that’s what it’s called? I forget). This means, having somebody introduce Thirteen, using whichever pronouns you choose for her or a descriptor that indicates which pronouns she would prefer. For example, when introducing people who use they/them pronouns, you might set it up like “This is Alex. They are new to this school” or “This is Taylor. They are going to help with the X project”. Maybe one of Thirteen’s companions, if they’re around, could refer to the Doctor with she/her pronouns - they don’t even have to be deliberately introductory. It could be like “You know the Doctor? She’s a handful, isn’t she?” Boom, pronouns coded.

Have someone guess. This is similar to pronoun coding but funnier. It could provide a great opportunity for some physical comedy as Thirteen would just be running around doing her thing while the others are like “would ssssssshhee?” *glances at 13′s companions* *13′s companions nod* “like something to eat/some help/etc?”

Have Thirteen refer to herself in third person, so she pronoun codes herself. This doesn’t always work unless you establish it as a character thing (like Terry from Brooklyn 99) but there are some sayings and things you could use as a throwaway line to pull this off eg “a woman’s gotta do what she’s gotta do” or something like that. Or she could be having one of those bitter little “I really hate how I get treated now that I’m a woman” rants and work that in like, “just because she [such-and-such], that means she can’t [such-and-such]??”

I’m sure there are lots of ways you could do it, but I hope that’s helpful! If you want any more suggestions or advice, ask away!