#worst of 2023 movies

[mceproductions]

Worst of 2023 Movies #1: Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey

One of the things I did mention this year was that both TV and music had 2 very easy choices when it came to the worst of the year.

Movies on the other hand, that’s where you have to dig.

And luckily for us, a Disney icon this past year suddenly became not exclusive to Disney.

AA Milnes iconic Winnie the Pooh has had the red shirt and Hunny love for a long time.

But now that he’s no longer tied into the silly old bear lifestyle any method can be used.

Hence here we get him and Piglet going feral after being abandoned by a maturing Christopher Robin.

When he returns with his wife he’s quickly captured and forced to watch his former friends figuratively rip his heart out.

Only the focus would become standard slasher fair with a switch to 5 college students renting a cabin nearby the 100 acre wood and becoming fodder.

If not tied to the iconic figure, this would have been an interesting premise.

But public domain or not there are certain aspects you just don’t mess with. Pooh is one of them.

Now that we have more pd character movies on the way, the new Bambi from the same studio looks like the same boat.

Only keep a certain person away from it.

SUM 22: The Public Domain claims an icon that gets warped into something that shouldn’t have manifested. The Silly Old Bear doesn’t belong here.

[whencartoonsruletheworld]

honestly some of the wish hate i'm seeing is valid and some of it is the most insane opinions you've ever seen in your life. once again i am saying to ppl like "this is the worst disney movie" go watch beauty and the beast 3: belle's magical world and come back to me on that ok. watch the live-action mulan. if you didn't like the plot of wish at least it looked fucking spectacular. have you seen hunchback of notre dame 2?? you cannot tell me that wish is irredeemable garbage until you have watched hunchback of notre dame 2. "well that wasn't made for theatres–" chicken little. ralph breaks the internet. pocahontas has been spitting on the memory of a dead indigenous girl since 1995. it's okay if you went in expecting something as good as encanto and didn't get it but the absolutely insane takes of "the entire thing was just bad references" "magnifico was right and asha and amaya were the villains" "it was ugly and disrespectful" like shut UP and sit through mulan 2.

[annymation]

Reimagining the characters in Wish

(Part 3- Star/Aster)

ITS THE MOMENT WE’VE BEEN WAITING FOR!!!

HERE COMES THE BOYYYYY!!!

Ahem… so yeah welcome to part 3

If you haven’t seen them yet, here’s the links for part 1 and part 2 where I talk about how I’d rewrite Asha and the villains respectively.

Star may be the most challenging character to reimagine since… All I have is the personality displayed on the Star we DID get, a song we all collectively headcanon as Asha x Star love song (At All Cost Demo), and my imagination… In a way that just makes things more fun too.

Now remember there’s no definitive version of this character, he never came true so there’s limitless ways we can interpret him.

Some may imagine him mute, some may imagine him as a wacky character like the genie, others may imagine him more soft spoken like the blue fairy, some may imagine him as Asha’s love interest while others may prefer them as just friends, or even have him look like her grandfather, there are no wrong answers.

So here’s how I imagine him to be like:

The Star 💫

What’s a Wishing Star?

- Before we start talking about our star boy, I think it’s important we establish what a wishing star even is, so let’s begin.

-Star is an entity from another plane of existence, a wishing star, a being whose only purpose is to listen to the wishes from mortals that can see him and other wishing stars through their night skies. They listen to the wishes from mortals and provide some guidance in subtle ways.

- A wishing star is born, or rather, gains consciousness, once someone looks to them and makes a wish from the bottom of their hearts, once the star receives their first ever wish they are no longer just a celestial body of gas, they become a new wishing star, they gain a purpose, and develop their minds just like how a human would.

- As the years pass the star becomes more wise, more equipped to help the person who wished upon them for the first time.

- For a wishing star to grow up it may take a while, that’s why most people wish upon bigger ones who are already fully developed and clever enough to know exactly how to help.

- It’s not a wishing star’s job to GRANT a wish immediately, in fact, they’re incapable of doing that, their magic can only go as far as the hope and perseverance that resides in their wishmaker’s heart.

- Things that the mortal would consider just luck could actually be the works of a wishing star putting them in the right path.

- If the person loses hope in their dream then there isn’t anything the star can do, but if they remain determined then the star can help them go far.

- So a wishing star job is to just… stay in the sky, look down upon their wishmakers, give some subtle magic intervention here and there…

-That is, when they’re wished upon at all, otherwise they just stay there doing nothing.

- However… In some rare occasions, wishing stars can do a lot more than just give a subtle magic intervention from the distance. Sometimes, when someone truly well intentioned makes a wish with all their heart… The wishing star gets the power to do some extraordinary things.

Personality

- Star, or Aster as I’ll be calling him in this rewrite, which is a non-binary name meaning “star”. I’ll be referring to them with (He/they) pronouns.

- Aster is a very young and inexperienced wishing star, in fact, counting with Asha’s wish, Star only got TWO wishes in their whole life. And he’s still working on granting that first wish he ever got 18 years ago.

(Haha I’m sure that’s not foreshadowing for something really sad)

- Because of that he’s often treated by the other stars as sort of a younger sibling or a little kid.

- I think I should just get this info out now: Aster is NOT the north star, that big, bright and iconic star we know from the Disney movies, nope, Aster is actually a small itty bitty little star that you can barely see, that kind of star you probably wouldn’t pick to wish upon, most choose the brightests and bigger ones.

- So who’s that big, bright and iconic star? Well, in the beginning of our story… That star doesn’t exist, like, it’s literally absent from the sky… After all, we're seeing that star's origin story :)

- We’ll get to that when we get to that, back to Aster tho.

- Aster is a lot different from the other wishing stars, while they’re these benevolent and wise entities, Aster is more of a naive and curious teen who’s fascinated with the world below them.

- No one wishes upon him EVER so he gets a lot of free time to just watch humans do human things and animals do animal things, and he loves it.

(He’s like Ariel and Quasimodo lmao)

- When he gets to earth he’s very excited to help Asha, showing appreciation for her wishing upon him through a lot of physical contact, often hugging her and holding her hand without him even noticing. (Asha at first is confused but she gets used to this behavior pretty quick)

- Although Aster is naive and overly excited they’re no fool, he can be very clever and creative when it’s necessary.

- He’s also not a fish out of water like Ariel when he’s on earth, they understands human customs and how things work, since he watched everything from the sky… Although nevertheless they’re delighted to see everything up close.

- He may be smart, but at first, they don’t really know how to guide Asha in the right path to make her wish come true, after all he’s a very inexperienced wishing star, and freeing a kingdom from an evil sorcerer king and queen is no easy task.

- But regardless he doesn’t let his own insecurities get to him, and remains optimistic they’ll figure it out, together.

His personality is reminiscent to Disney guys such as: Quasimodo, Peter Pan, Prince Philip (yes really, rewatch Sleeping Beauty, that boy has a lot of personality), Alladin and Hercules.

Main Traits:

- Optimistic and kind

- Naïve

- Protective

- Curious

- Energetic

- Secretly very insecure

Powers

I think it’s important to establish his abilities before we get to his backstory and all that jazz.

What he CAN’T do

Just like how Movie Asha did in her job interview, let’s get his weaknesses out of the way first.

- Sooo… don’t get mad but… Star won’t be a shapeshifter in my version. I don’t want him to feel too much like Maui or the genie. So he’ll stay in the shape of a princely looking boy the whole way through.

- He can’t teleport, would make things too easy, also there’s a plot reason I’ll explain later.

- Can’t materialize real things out of thin air, only things made of star dust so they don’t really have any utility other than to create fun visuals during music numbers or when he’s explaining stuff.

- Can’t hurt anyone, this one is VERY IMPORTANT for plot reasons I’ll talk about later on.

- Can’t make a wish come true with the snap of his fingers, he’s a star, not a genie.

Weakness: Dark Magic, hopelessness and Asha getting hurt.

What he CAN do

- Stretch and re-shape his body. He may not turn into animals but his body can regenerate and squash and stretch around (haha get it? Like the animation term), like he’s made of star dust. Have this piece of concept art as an example:

- He can Fly and make other people and objects fly too

- Unlock doors, may seem random now but I’ll explain in a minute.

- Bring plants to life, and make them grow bigger, and I mean like “make a flower the size of a house” bigger.

- Make animals talk, but the animals only keep talking IF they so desire, if that’s not something they wish for then the magic fades away with time.

- Tho he naturally understands animals and any other living thing in their own languages.

- He can feel other people’s wishes, not all the time tho, he has to make a conscious effort to see what’s that person’s deepest desire.

- His body is warm like a small sun, so he can give warm hugs… that’s a power, yes.

- Aster may not teleport, but they can move really REALLY fast

- Uncorrupt wish bubbles, I mentioned in part 2 that Magnifico twisted most the people's wishes, those wishes that are changed are called “Corrupted wishes”, Aster can change those wishes back to what they originally were.

- Create dreams, is that too much like the sandman from rise of the guardians?… Im still keeping it.

-Get inside drawings, This is just for a scene I imagine Aster shrinking and walking around inside Asha's sketch book, I think that's cute.

- Make a human disguise, I'll elaborate more on this when we get to talk about his design.

- He can grant wishes “but Anny you just said earlier he can’t—“ yes yes I know… he just grants them in his own unique way.

What gives him strength: Hopes and dreams

(Undertale reference? More likely than you think)

A wishing star purpose is to serve as a guide, that provides some magic intervention so that the wishmaker has the means to get to their goal.

As such, the stronger Asha’s hope, perseverance and passions are, the stronger and more limitless Star’s magic becomes. Like his magic abilities are charged up by Asha’s beliefs, the more she wants something, the more he can do for her.

Now, let’s talk about how Aster and other wishing stars that come to earth function, and to do that, we gotta go waaaaay back to another wish granting character in the Disney catalog.

The Blue Fairy- What can we learn from her?

- We all know the blue fairy from Pinocchio, she is in a way the closest thing we have in the Disney canon that resembles the concept of Star, so I’m considering them as both the same kind of entity, they’re both wishing stars.

(not the same character tho, and I’ll get to that soon don’t you worry)

- You would think a character we see so little about doesn’t provide a lot of context, but she actually gives us a pretty good idea about what wishing stars can and can’t do.

- First thing she says when arriving is:

“Good Geppetto, you have given so much happiness to others. You deserve to have your wish come true.”

- From that, we can interpret that wishing stars only assume a human form and help those who are truly pure of heart and have spread kindness to others. Like Asha.

- Geppetto wished for Pinocchio to be a real boy, a human boy, but the blue fairy couldn’t grant that wish, because the only one who could make himself a real boy was Pinocchio himself.

“To make Geppetto’s wish come true will be enterely up to you. Prove yourself brave, truthful and unselfish, and someday you will be a real boy"

- So, am I saying that Aster will just fly up to Asha and say “it’s all up to you to save your people… GOOD LUCK! 😊” sparkle some magic on her and leave?

- Well no although that would be funny, he’s not gonna do that, in fact, Aster will act way differently compared to the Blue Fairy.

- Although Aster can’t immediately make the people of Rosas “Have something more than this” he will do everything in his power to help Asha with anything she needs, and stay by her side the whole way through… Not at all what the Blue Fairy did.

- Lets say the Blue Fairy did exactly what a wishing star is supposed to do.

-She didn’t let herself be seen by anyone except Pinocchio and Jimminy Cricket, she only gave Pinocchio a few instructions and then left it all up to him, and even then when she went a bit beyond that to inform him that Geppetto was inside a whale she did so by sending a note… Almost like she couldn’t go back again to tell him personally… Interesting huh?

(I know the reason is because the animators would lose their minds if they had to draw that sparkly effect on her dress a third time but let’s pretend there’s more to it okay?)

- So we have her being the best role model of a wishing star… and then we have Aster...

-Doesn’t even know where to begin with helping Asha, chooses to stay on earth more than a day instead of just giving cryptic advice and leaving, was seen by multiple people aside from just Asha and Valentino, and worse of all, falls in love with his wish maker… yeah dude broke several rule… And the other stars ain’t happy about that.

- You could say the scale of Geppetto’s wish and Asha’s wish are way different, one just wants a son and the other wants to defeat two evil monarchs.

-But the stars don’t see it that way, to them every wish should be treated equally and it’s not their purpose to mingle with humans and change the course of their history.

- So you see, while the Blue Fairy could go back to the sky and then reappear anywhere she wanted… Aster won’t have that privilege.

-If he goes back to the sky he’s not coming back down, because the other stars won’t allow it, not after he broke their rules.

- Aster knows all that, because he can hear them talking to him, warning him to stop and go back to the sky… Aster keeps that information a secret from Asha for as long as they can…

- He knows after he’s done helping Asha they’ll never see each other again, but that’s fine, he’s willing to break every rule to help her…

- Oh also there’s a scene in Pinocchio where the Blue Fairy opens a lock to free Pinocchio from a cage… that’s why I said Aster can unlock doors… okay moving on to our boy backstory.

Backstory

Yup, Aster has a backstory. And it all started in one fateful night:

An elderly man was taking a walk, carrying his granddaughter in his arms, she was just a few weeks old, but he couldn’t wait to show her how beautiful the stars looked that night.

He sat with her on a thick tree branch, and even though she couldn’t understand him, he was so happy telling her the names of each constellation.

In that moment, it seemed like everything was perfect.

But then that moment ended… He heard screams, and smelled smoke.

The elderly man ran back to his home, only to find it completely engulfed in a fire.

His granddaughter was now crying in his arms as he watched some neighbors trying to put down the fire, but to no avail.

His son and daughter-in-law were in there, he lost them both in an instant, the pain he felt in that moment was immeasurable.

In that moment of sorrow all he could do was look up, between the thick smoke he saw it… a small star.

With all his heart, Sabino wished upon it

“I wish my dear granddaughter, Asha, never feel such pain and sadness as I’m feeling in this moment”

A new wishing star was born.

Those words were the first thing Aster ever heard, it took a few years for him to even know what they meant, but as Asha and him grew older, he started to understand them.

He tried his best to make Asha as happy as she could be with the little that he was allowed to do.

Sometimes giving her inspiration for her drawings, other times sending her nice dreams after a bad day.

But he felt like he was failing her, no matter what he did, Asha would still go through sad times… Specially after her grandfather passed away.

Aster treasured every happy moment that he saw Asha experience, her making new friends, getting better with her drawings, dancing during wish ceremonies. Aster would shine brighter every time she was happy.

Point is: They were connected the whole time, and Aster already knew Asha even way before she wished upon him.

To be clear he wouldn’t just stay up there looking at Asha all day, he was also interested on everything else on earth in general.

But then, we have Asha’s 18th birthday, the day she had to give away her wish.

Aster knew what was really going on in Rosas, about what happened to most of the people’s wishes, and although that also saddened the other stars they all agreed they couldn't intervene unless someone from Rosas wished for their help.

So you can imagine how happy Aster was when Asha wished upon HIM, of all the stars, she looked at him and asked for his help! What are the chances?

If you could listen to them, you’d hear all the stars collectively whisper “oh…this might not end well…” as Aster flies down to earth going "YYYYYPIIIEEEEEEE!!!"

A Star Who Wishes To Be Human

- I’ve made it very clear that Aster is different from the other stars, for the reason that he’s so young and so fascinated with life on earth.

- But there’s more than that, see, I mentioned before Aster can’t hurt anyone, and that’s not because he’s some holier-than-thou pacifist, it’s because his magic literally CAN’T hurt living beings.

- Because his magic is made of ✨hopes✨ and ✨kindness✨ and ✨everything nice✨, so even if they literally make a sword with his star dust, all it’ll do is give Magnifico some tickles.

- And Aster hates that.

- He wishes he could be more useful to Asha… wait, “wishes”?

- That’s silly, a star is not supposed to “wish” for anything, to have wants, that’s a human thing... And yet here he is wanting to protect Asha in any way possible.

- This drive to protect Asha runs even deeper than just the wish he received from her grandfather or the wish she made, Aster feels as if it's a wish that comes within him.

- Aster would question why they feels this way, is it love? Can’t be that right? A star can’t fall in love…

- The same way a star can’t taste food, or smell the flowers, or feel temperature…

- But Aster wishes they could, Aster wishes he knew what food tasted like, what was the smell of the flowers and the morning dew, but most of all… Aster wished he could feel Asha’s warmth, the same way she feels when they embraced.

- This would be Aster internal conflict for most of the movie. They’d realize that they can’t be with Asha forever, but Aster wanted to at least confess his feelings before they went to enact their plan to defeat the king and queen, that’s when we’d get “At All Cost”.

- Soooo a bit of a spoiler to this rewrite, I’m basically telling a story all out of order at this point, but here goes, Aster does become human by the end, after the king and queen are defeated, the stars realize that punishing Aster for breaking their rules wouldn’t be fair after he did so much good, and also because some of them can’t stand him so they decide “hey, let’s leave him there” and just ask him to return his magic back to the sky.

- Once Aster accepts, his magic would be turned into a brand new star, that shines brighter than all the others, because it carries all the magic that Aster accumulated by helping Asha and all of Rosas. And thus we’d get an origin story for THE wishing star.

Design

Aster has brown skin, sparkly freckles and blond hair that shines and moves almost like a candle.

He dresses up as a prince, with the classic cape we see in classic princes like in Snow White and Sleeping Beauty.

They choose that form because he recalls that Asha used to read a lot about princes that would help princesses in need, so he thinks it's fitting to at least looks like one to help Asha

"But I'm not a princess"

"I know, you're just pretty like one!"

A itty bitty detail I didn't mention until now: Aster would be hand drawn animated, while everything else would be 3D, and his animation would change as the movie progressed.

By change I mean he'd start in a very sketchy looking animation, like it's being drawn very frantically to reflect how excited he is to help Asha, but as the movie progresses he'd be drawn with more detail and with more fluid movements.

This would serve to both represent his character development, showing him becoming more mature and learning what it means to be human, and also a reference to how Disney's animation evolved over the years.

He can make a human disguise, as I mentioned earlier, but that would require him to keep his magic hidden somewhere, in this case, a round stone that holds his cape together on his chest.

Once his magic was all kept inside this stone he'd turn into a 3D animated character, however his movements wouldn't feel... quite right, like he'd be animated in a different frame-rate compared to everyone else, so you could tell he was struggling to make himself move like a human, and people would be able to tell there was something off about him.

In the end when he turned into a human for real he'd become 3D animated with the right frame-rate, and his hair would no longer be blonde, but rather brown, like his eyebrows (Tangled reference? yup)

Final Thoughts

This was DEFINITELY the hardest one to translate my thoughts into words! My gosh this took so long to write.

Don't know if you could tell but I'm very passionate about this scrapped idea of a human looking star falling in love with our protagonist, and no it's not just for the ✨aesthetic✨.

I don't think it's wise to throw a romance when writing a story just because you feel like it, a romance needs to progress both the story and the characters involved, think of it like how Naveen learned with Tiana the importance of working hard, while in turn showing her that life can also be fun. They complete each other, and I want the same for Asha and Aster.

Asha needs to learn that she shouldn't feel guilty for wishing more for herself, she worries too much about others and what others may think of her that she forgets her own self worth, and Aster shows her that she not only can wish for things for herself, but she can also accomplish anything she sets her mind to. From becoming an amazing artist that can give movement to her drawings to the leader of a rebellion against two evil monarchs, she can do it all.

Meanwhile, Aster needs to learn that what Asha's grandfather wished upon him is an impossible task, for Asha to always be happy, that's impossible, because sadness is a part of life, its a part of being human, and that's what he learns, what it means to be human, to fail, get up and try again. As a wishing star Aster always knew that humans had to fail a bunch of times before having their wishes granted but he could never imagine how hard that actually was, and Asha's perseverance even with all odds against her is what makes him love her even more.

I talked a lot about why Aster loves Asha, so I should probably mention what Asha sees in him too. Asha get's a lot of laughs from Aster's innocent reactions to natural things on earth, like how dazzled he is seeing the sun rise for the first time, how he just stops and starts chatting with animals and plants like a damn disney princess, or how he randomly starts rambling about how some constellations don't look at all like the animals they're named after "Like, seriously, why did they name that one a lynx? That's obviously a snake hehehe"

But most importantly she loves how caring he is, how he's supportive and passionate about her interests just as much as she is, and how he makes her feel safe, and in turn she wants to protect him too.

I'm honestly debating with myself how I want Aster to go about the information he has known Asha all his life, like, I imagine he'd probably want to hide the fact because he didn't want to talk about the sad tragedy that led to her grandfather wishing upon him, yes Asha knows about the fire but he doesn't want to remind her and make her sad, because remember, at first he doesn't understand that sadness is just part of life.

But then like, would he pretend to not know her? Or would he be like a ghibli character and just nonchalantly say "Oh yeah, I’ve always known you" and never elaborate on that until the story demands it?

… Great, now I just had the idea of Aster functioning like Haku from Spirited Away, like they don't remember where he knows Asha from because he forgot what their previous wish was now that he’s granting a new one, let's say stars can only remember one wish at a time, then as he gets to know her better he starts to remember what his first wish was, and things start to make more sense.

I don’t know, like that’s cute but might be a bit too complicated, y’all tell me, I’m throwing ideas and seeing what makes sense, this whole thing is me asking for feedback after all.

Honestly I think the idea of Aster knowing Asha the whole time works because it not only gives a better explanation to why a star came down from the sky to help her, but also gives more sense to the lyrics “you still amaze me after all this time” in At All Cost.

Welp, I think that's all I got, thank you so much for following along with this series, and don't worry I'm not over yet, there are a few characters to talk about before I start sharing the actual script of this rewrite.

Thank You For Reading!

[yyshcul]

bahbee.....................

also doodled my barbie movie fit just for fun ^__^

[nikoisme]

Naptime

[meangirlsbway]

i’ll just leave these here

[artist-issues]

What is, in your opinion, the worst Disney animated film?

It's Wish. Not just because that's the hot seat that I'm sitting in right now, but because just about every other Disney animated film pulls ahead of Wish in every other category.

Dinosaur (2000) had better voice acting than Wish.

Chicken Little (2005) had clearer and more compelling character motivations than Wish.

Brother Bear (2003) had more meaningful sidekicks than Wish.

Home on the Range (2004) had a more exciting story than Wish.

The Black Cauldron (1986) had better scene design and world building than Wish.

Atlantis: The Lost Empire (2001) had a main character with more of an impact than the main character inWish.

Oliver & Company (1988) had better songs than Wish.

Pocahontas (1994) at least included a purpose behind introducing the "topic" of diversity to the story through the characters (even if it was poorly executed given the context) while Wish had no discernible purpose for introducing it through their characters.

Even Disney's worst other movies have more going for them than Wish: usually where they failed was reading the room and picking an audience that would like it. Like, nobody was really interested to see Atlantis: The Lost Empire, or Oliver Twist but with cats and dogs.

Which makes it more painful: audiences wanted to see Wish. Everybody likes a new Disney musical fantasy-adventure movie. And this was supposed to be a celebration of everything people love about Disney, so that would've added appeal to the audiences of Wish.

But Wish took that and totally dropped the ball.

If you were hoping for a less-recent, broader ranking of Worst Disney Movies:

Wish

Strange World

The Black Cauldron

There ya go!

[carebooks]

Velma (2023) is to Scooby Doo what Teen Titans Go! is to Teen Titans (2003)

[little-cereal-draws]

We as a fandom are sleeping on the line “Boo! I’m a ghost!”

[cascad333]

my fav antagonist!!!

[misiahasahardname]

i have no idea how the american school system works so i’m currently trying to figure out what kind of subjects the tales turtles would choose for their highers

[mceproductions]

Worst of 2023 Movies #2: Expend4Bles

Now this year had an example of IP that had new entries but shouldn’t.

There was the Universal Studios attempt to restart the Exorcist franchise by continuing the story with Ellen Burnstyn and Linda Blair after 50 years.

Here however, we come to the Expendables and a pseudo 4th entry that only made people realize they should have ended things with 2.

Jason Stratham is good we all know this, but in a series with Stallone leading a mercenary team comprised of action heroes, suddenly shifting things to having Statham and Megan Fox as the leads in a revolving door of support makes people realize how much this should not have been assembled as the 4th Expendables movie.

When a film is treated more along the lines of what Oceans 8, and that Always Sunny Gang Beats Boggs Ladies Reboot episode that parodies this type of movie, something was lost along the way.

SUM 22: A soft reboot in the guise of Stallone’s unexpected franchise crashes thanks to the character and creative direction this would undertake.

[blaaaaask]

This is madness

Hear me out, this was what my head canon was for new Willy Wonka:

Willy Wonka is played by Ben Affleck

Ever since he inherited the factory from the previous 'Willy Wonka' he has been on a downward spiral of hell. Trying to get a new 'Willy Wonka' to take his place is impossible in this modern era because children suck, and each year he attempts a 'golden ticket' tour to the factory in hopes that one day he can fucking retire by finding the perfect child to con into taking on the business.

Harrison Ford is Charlie's grandpa.

I don't remember Grandpa's name, so we're going with Grandpa Ford.

~Charlie has no other grandparents because they're all divorced or dead.

~Charlie (I don't know child actors so pick whatever you want) sometimes visits Grandpa Ford but not super often which spurs Grandpa Ford to want to plan a fun trip to bond with his grandson.

~Grandpa Ford thinks the Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory is super cool and so he keeps buying candy bars until he gets the Golden Ticket.

~Scene where Ford is like 'Charlie, look, we get to go to the Chocolate Factory!' but Charlie is on his iPad screaming about Roblox. By the time Charlie hears him, he's like 'Grandpa, that's so unkewl, why the heck would I want to go to a factory? Can't you just give me money for Robucks?" (Is that what it's called? Lol)

~Charlie is forced to go

~WonkaFleck has everyone sign papers. There is at least 1 parent who is trying to read through it all, but their child is throwing a tantrum so they end up saying 'fuck it' and signing it.

~The whole group of odd people have their mini solo scenes including:

-Kid who is allergic to Blue Dye 4000 and like, totally eats something very artificially blue because their parent is too busy on dating apps to pay attention. This kid doesn't make it far. They balloon up so much kid would need like, 20 epipens or something. WonkaFleck like 'not my problem you signed the papers saying you would be responsible for your own actions here'

~Kid who literally touches everything. EVERYTHING. EVERY. THING. You? Touched. Food? Touched. Machine? Touched. WonkaFleck gets kind of rage-y and tells this kid 'NO. STOP.' But kid's mom is a tiger mom and she jumps in and rips into Wonka about "we do not use the word 'no' in our household" and "how dare he think he can parent her child?" They do not last.

~One kid who stands uncomfortably close to people and stares. STARING. And everytime you try to speak to them they don't talk back, they just stare harder. Unblinking. WonkaFleck does not think he can withstand that level of terror in his life, so when the lights flick off (which is actually quite common in this facility) he boots the child into a candy flattener and we all know where that's going.

~We discover that Grandpa Ford is incredibly useful in the tour because he is one of the few people who can read things in cursive.

~At least 5-10 of the kids go around with phones and ipads taking FaceTimes of all the trade secrets and business practices.

~Wonkafleck trying to stop them by putting a ban on electronics, but they don't listen or they steal back their phones/items and their parents are like 'lol kids will be kids, am I right?'

~Grandpa Ford is at least respectable and had forced Charlie NOT to bring any electronics on the trip. The child cries like, 99/100 times the other kids have their electronics out, though.

~Wonkafleck finally destroys all electronics in one of his many rooms of weird shit.

~Grandpa Ford is incredibly good at storytelling, conversing, and trying to help resolve the problems of the children even though their problems are incredibly petty. Wonkafleck is undeniably sad that Grandpa Ford is pushing 90s or he would have forced him to take over the factory.

~Oompa loompas are actually regular people just wearing bright orange haz vests because gotta practice safety, yo

~But also they realize the factory is like, 4 million degrees in some spots and WonkaFleck is like 'sorry, this is a big place, I can't afford air in here'

~Also one room a chocolate "water tower" breaks because of these bad safety protocols and takes out half the tourist group but WonkaFleck is like 'do I look like I give a damn?'

~Grandpa Ford and Charlie do get into a little trouble by taking some candy, but it's because Grandpa Ford wants to 'take a little piece with him' to remember the trip by. Charlie just like 'uh huh, okay grandpa.' Doesn't question it.

~By the end, everyone be dead but Charlie and Grandpa Ford. But Wonkafleck is like 'you guys stole shit.'

~Charlie, realizing he means the candy, takes it out of his pocket and gives it back to Wonkafleck and is like 'here you go, mister.'

~Wonkafleck, totally moved by the fact that this child did something respectable, decides this is it. This might be the child to take over the helm of the factory. He's like "Charlie, since you were honest I'm going to give you a wonderful deal. Take this factory from me. You can inherit everything."

~Grandpa Ford like "oh wow, factory" totes bamboozled

~Charlie like, "No thanks, mister, I don't want it."

~Wonkafleck, almost loses his shit, barely holding on by a thread, is like "what you mean you don't want this factory???"

~Charlie says "I don't really like candy. I like energy drinks. And Robucks."

~Everyone is like 'flmlenwgngegbagbwgeljage'

~Grandpa Ford says, "Charlie, you can buy those things with the money you make from the factory."

~Charlie gives grandpa a weird look. "Why would I want to work for money when I can just ask for it??"

~Wonkafleck woes his fucking life. He rages a bit, then motherfuckin' skips outta the scene and jumps into a hot air balloon to reach the highest peak of the city so he can scream for all eternity.

~The End

What I actually thought after I saw the real trailer for Willy Wonka:

Wow I am totally off, lol.

[frozenwolftemplar]

Couple of songs from 'Wish' dropped and I have thoughts (and an overuse of italics and ellipses):

I love 'This Wish!!!!' Everything about it is just so...Disney!!! From that classic 'I want' song feel to the instrumentals to the vocals to the way it thrums with those rolling drumbeats as it mounts and builds to its sweeping climax...Stunning. Epic. Grand. Majestic. Everything I want out of a centerpiece song in a Disney animated musical. It is clear they're building their Oscar 'Best Song' campaign around this one, and it is worthy!

'This is the Thanks I get?!'....uh...I kinda...don't love it. I mean, it's a well-constructed song and all, and I know they're going for the 'seems like a good guy and maybe he was once but he's going down a dark dark spiral and definitely isn't one anymore' thing with him, but...I dunno...I'm just not feeling it (or maybe I'm not feeling Chris Pine's performance?). I'm sure it suits the character (or at least the facade he puts on for the kingdom) and maybe it's better in context, but I guess I'm just not into the 'super-bouncy-villain-song' thing. Simply put, it's no 'Poor Unfortunate Souls' or 'Mother Knows Best Reprise.'

(still pulling for him to be thrown off a cliff, though 😁)

[kristenswig]

#265. Maestro - Bradley Cooper

0.5/5

[iseetheworldinmetaphor]

Films I saw in the past year in no particular order that stuck with me beyond the initial viewing.