#worst tutorial npc ever

[bsvrai]

How do we get these playcoins?

“Wouldn’t you like to know?”

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[asleepinawell]

every time i overhead smash something with my giant hammer i imagine it's this pop up

[ganondoodle]

(totk rant)

something i dont know if i have ranted about specifically is .... how i hate how little defined the sonau (zonai) magic is

like i get it, its magic, but it feels like it can do anything when the idiot plot demands and cant when it doesnt for no good reason, just like the enigma stones (secret stones)

(its not that each little thing is a problem, i dont need everything single thing explained, but that the whole mess of sonau magic, enigma stone magic and elemental magic feels like .. a mess, and a stupid mess at that! you dont know what is what and what soemthing can and cant do and that leads to a bad kind of confusion, one that makes it feel like there are no rules except when the plot demands it)

(also i will forever refuse to call it sonau 'tech', bc its not, its some vaguely stone textured pieces that do a thing when hit or pieces floating around some vague magic bs, theres no cogs, not maschinery, nothing that makes you feel its got an internal mechanism like the shiekah tech had-- worst part being they had planned sonau bs to be more magic than 'tech' but then, as i previously ranted about, decided to make it 'so players can immedaitely know what it does just by looking at it' and then decided they still needed to explain to you what the obvious fan thing does 5 times over when you already learned it on the literal tutorial ALSO ITS A FAN- WHAT IS THERE TO TEACH ME ABOUT IT- ... wrong post .. anyway)

sonau magic, apparently, can, replace an entire living persons arm that was 'beyond repair', when the person giving their arm IS ALREADY A GHOST (or dead for that matter, yes you can argue its the part of his arm that was left over at that point but .... that also leaves the question how the hell he could suddendly, conventiently, move that arm part independendly to catch link, when it flopped over limply a second ago .. and was also able to .. see? how would he catch him otherwise .. but only after it flopped over .. for no apparent reason too, its not like zelda picked the stone right off it or soemthing-- ALSO why does it not look like it then, like its long nailed creepy thing, but instead his perfectly alived arm argh)-

teleport people to places that have moved kilometers away from where it originally was (as in, rauru teleporting link via dismembered arm part train to the garden of time that was not in the sky last he remembered) but ..only like that?? i guess?? since no one else ever teleports via sonau magic, its always shiekah stuff that teleports except for this one instance (and it cant be it just went back to raurus ghost bc .. he acts like he just woke up as a ghost too so he couldnt have been ghost chilling in the garden of time either ....... why wasnt his ghostly version attached to his slightly less ghostly arm part anyway .....)

lift entire pieces of land into the sky i guess ?? (off screen ... somehow .... for no reason ............ after all the sonau that were there were dead (who did that?? the constructs??????????) and no scar left on the surface either)

make shield, once rauru, otherwise minerubot (we dont know if either did that in the og fight with ganondorf since ... we dont get to see ANYTHING of that 'fight' i am BITING this game in a non sexy way)

let you swim upwards and through ANY amount of earth (only link ever does it)

glue literally anything to anything (unless you shake it too hard) and have that glue actully make the glued together pieces work together as if there was a mechanism connecting it (only link ever does it like that, other NPCs are shown to be able to get pieces to work together without it ... and with no explanation either how THAT works, sicne there is no mechanism in anything??) (fuse is just the same glue glued into an extra ability slot, its not different in any means)

can ALSO glue stuff to the literal MASTERSWORD?? which, if i can be honest, i really dont like, idk, the mastersword itself being fused to some random other material and getting those weird green symbols on it while even changing its form temporarily when you pull it out?? idk, that feels like desecrating an holy object to me (and yet again .. sonau stuff in everything and everywhere ..)

reverse time on objects and generally copy other peoples abilities?? its not the stones since link doesnt have one, its like .. built into rauru bracelet even, thats kinda weird, what do you mean his bracelet is perfectly made for housing that exact number of peoples abilities- or ghost copies for that matter O.o

grab someones heart and seal it in a condition between life and death for THOUSANDS of years while dissolving its wielder ??? i would consider it being influenced by rauru light powers (which is still stupid to give to him of all people) having sealing capabilities towards "evil", but when he does it its really only typically sonau magic stuff, green glow, the symbols, the spiral (... why IS it a spiral, did he turn himself into a less stupid version of the shrines? lol)

(now theres things that overlap with the engima stones, but since its all such a mess i cant tell what part is strictly sonau magic bs and what is magic pebble bs and what is just kinda ... both)

stripping people of their clothes and teleporting to weird dream like dimension tm (end of game)

bringing back ghosts (rauru did the oh no im ghost gone now too which is why i cant tell you anything you should know link looooooool- whoops he back) sonia was never even shown as a ghost before (why? .. no seriously, why? you cant me she didnt have any regrets when she died? why does everyone get a ghost like its nothing but not sonia .. until that point .. which is probably just so she can hold hands with rauru and fuck off again, we wouldnt want her around when rauru isnt, the most importnatest coolestest guy to ever kingexist )

reverse irreversible transformations via stone (you can, uwu its time powersss!! me all you want it sucks in every aspect and i will not be argued with)

restore someone 'beyond repair' arm even when it was not fully purified as it was implied to be necessary at the start- and also just .. take away the arm that got transplanted? (games allergic to consequences)

(more stone than sonau but .. i feel like those two are inherently linked anyway)

"enhance" peoples already existing magic abilities- which .. isnt really true? like that sounds like a lie bc except for giant rauru laser he uses only once, no one seems to actually use it like that, speaking of which

giant laserbeams capable of taking out an entire family of moldugas

my point being, like i talked about before, is that all of the other people with stones, we either dont get to see what they can do bc they just get it and are only shown standing around doing nothing giving no example of its effect (old sages) or the new sages creating copies of themselves that they give to you, which i would argue, is not enhancing their abilties, bc their ability is very element specific, not the shiekahs copy game, yes their ghost houses their ability but .. thats not 'enhancing' that just a double- plus, and this drives me mad, THEIR GHOSTS GO AWAY WHEN THE REAL ONE IS AROUND, which defeats even the idea of it being stronger just bc there two of each now, so they get nothing and you get a ghost copy if they arent around themselves which is not something i would call "enhancing" (its so gamey .... it only exists like that so you get shitty companions with those abilities in the game and when they are around dont get double the already shitty way of activating them.. and i hate it, i hate how gamey it is, you can make things work without it feeling THIS gamey)

ooooor, are just a set piece, like sonia, who doesnt use her stone for anything, bc she cant have been too weak on her own to time reverse a single cup of tea now can she (i wouldnt put it past them)

the only other time it seems to work as it was said is with ganondorf, bc he had miasma (gloom ... ) powers before and just kinda .. miasmad himself up more

time travel! somehow!! even though the traveling person has not shown any time powers before that point, has no idea what the stone is or how to use it, and no idea where to go, nor to think of going there even in panic (which is something i would have accepted, like .. idk atreus travel via the marbles in god of war, how he thinks of home and travels to his old home instead of where he meant to go, thats a neat twist!) (also .. sonia is the one whos lived all her life with time powers and, supposedly, acts like a mentor to zelda (if you can count that one scene where she says some vague -cheer up- stuff) .. what if sonia could time travel, bc she actually knew how to use it, and went into the future to warn them or lead them into the right direction .. already thinking of better things again ..)

stones can also turn people into eternal, immortal (lie, you can kill dragondorf) dragons, permanently (also a lie, zelda is reversed, and 'she was just sleeping uwu', stone she ate is ALSO back) (dragons being something i thought of being ethereal, untouchable and timeless sacred beings you shouldnt try to understand or control- but no, sonaus stupid stones can just turn people into them and its only used for one cool set piece and a fake emotional hook, also a shitty way to bring zelda back into the future all fine and dandy bc her learning to control her sudden new time powers well enough to travel back on her own would have been too much agency for our little maiden prize- the whole dragon thing also feel like desecrating dragons to me)

(probably more im forgetting here lol)

in the end, what my problem is that its TOO much and TOO messy, theres no lines and all the rules told to you are proven wrong with no input from you or even hint at it being possible and no logical lines to it

like sure, in botw the shiekah tech and the encient energy is also rather vague, but you get a sense of what it is, its magic that powers their tech! and it doesnt go beyond that (unlike the sonau stuff which is .. both made AND powered by sonanium?? which feels a little ... stupid) and the people sometiems had some elemental magic, like urbosa and her lightning etc in totk its just all over the place, all the things work together in vague ways and seem like they can both do everything and nothing, which leaves you with an unsatisfying confusion and possible frustration (if you are me, who cares too much) instead of a intrigued curiousity (like i had with the ancient energy from botw) that can still feel like you not knowing the answer too doesnt distract from anything, its feels plausible on its own-

... hey, been some time since i got to rant in long form! take everything with a few more grains of salt than usually, i still have covid :/

[oodlyenough]

now that i've finished dual destinies here is how i'd rank the aa games that i've played.

this started as a bulleted list but then as always i ended up rambling forever, so, some of it is under the cut. spoilers for AA1-5 & AAI1. anything not listed is a game i've not yet played

1. Ace Attorney (1)

can't beat the original. ok so maybe the first time i played turnabout samurai i got so bored i took a 3 year break. that's not the point. i was weak. i think this game is the tightest and as the introduction to the concept and the characters it does a surprisingly good job of balancing and developing all of them. pretty satisfying arcs and relationships for every major character. also 1-4 and 1-5 are two of The best cases ever.

2. Ace Attorney 3/Trials and Tribulations

this one coasts on the strength of the dahlia throughline. all three of her cases are great. the fey lore develops so well and so interestingly, i loved getting a chance to play mia, dahlia is the best AA villain, bridge to turnabout has so many great things going on, edgeworth v franziska rules, phoenix investigating with franziska rules. it had some of my favourite puzzles and puzzle solving. the weak points that lose it top spot for me are that i didn't like how edgeworth and franziska evaporate from 3-5 in the second half, i wish maya had a bigger role in 3-5, and i don't enjoy anything about godot. also the two middle cases bored me to tears

3. Ace Attorney 2/Justice for All

this is a messier game than the above two for sure and i also thought it had the worst puzzle writing of the original trilogy. the magatama's use here is a bit clunky. i also think the way edgeworth's disappearance and return is handled is not quite as satisfying as it could've been for such a big emotional thing. the execution of the start of 2-4 with maya's kidnapping and engarde hiring phoenix could've been done much smoother.

BUT: i love the expansion of the fey lore, introduction of morgan and pearl and kurain, and franziska is my specialest little girl and i love that she's here. and 2-4, especially as it goes on, is such a good interesting case and some of the BEST character stuff for phoenix and edgeworth and truly made me unwell about the ship indefinitely. edgeworth hunched over his desk with bugged out eyes through gritted teeth "the prosecution... rests..." ??? peak romance

4. Ace Attorney 4/Apollo Justice

this is a really fun game that has the difficult task of introducing a lot of new characters and it pulls that off fairly well. apollo, trucy and klavier are all really fun. it's super interesting to see phoenix as an NPC and see what a mysterious galaxybrain he is when you're not given a front-row ticket to his scattered thoughts. i think the mystery writing here was coherent and pretty tight and i had fun solving the puzzles. 4-1 is one of the best tutorial cases for sure.

downside is that it's underbaked and you can tell. the new characters, while likable, barely get a chance to shine or really develop. apollo is not really much more than an avatar, the story is still about phoenix. and even when i'm enjoying the game, it just does honestly feel kind of... mean... the way the game drops every character from the trilogy and does what it does with phoenix.

5. Ace Attorney Investigations 1

fun pixel sprites, some fun new characters, it's cool to be able to walk my lil dude around and click on stuff. some of it is pretty funny. there's a surprisingly large variety of new female characters in different kinds of roles and personalities and designs and i always appreciate that.

the mysteries are not very good and the puzzles are frequently frustrating. the lack of trial day structure means the pacing feels wonky in many places. the returning characters are not written very well, franziska in particular is a flanderized shadow of herself, and most damning of all: edgeworth, the main character, is not written particularly well. the bratworth flashback in particular shows a fundamental misunderstanding of the character established by the trilogy imo.

6. Ace Attorney 5/Dual Destinies

this game had most of the same flaws as AAI and it didn't even have nice art or fun investigation banter to save it. i like athena a lot, i love aura and canon lesbians, it's nice to see phoenix as a lawyer again and get some confirmation edgeworth and the feys didn't fuckin die off screen. aa5 klavier is fucking hilarious. some of the new NPCs are funny s/o to the orca and plonco and robin.

the non-chronological plot was unnecessarily convoluted, the dark age of the law was emphasized so much only to be totally underdeveloped, the phantom plot twist was cool for three seconds and then pretty stupid in retrospect. apollo's storyline is a disaster. trucy has been replaced by an automaton that talks about panties. the lack of being able to investigate scenery makes the investigation days short, hurts character development and contributes the pacing that makes every final trial day feel interminably long and infuriating. too many plot twists rely on the game simply not providing evidence until the last second, at which point the twist becomes obvious. the nicest thing i can say for dual destinies is that it didn't irreparably break anything i loved in the previous games.

[smoshidiot]

hey guys: i ranked every smosh video

yes, every. single. smosh video. (every main channel sketch from 2005-2017 + 2023)

here it is under the cut if for some damn reason you're curious

♡ ABSOLUTE FAVES ♡ Paranormal Easy Bake Oven Sleepwalking Disaster Mortal Kombat Theme Food Battle 2006 Food Battle 2023 The Legend of Zelda Rap Axe Murderer Battleship Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Theme Boxman's Girlfriend Pokemon Theme Ian's Birthday Anthony Gets a Haircut Pokemon Theme REVENGE That Damn Neighbor Assassins Creed 3 Song My Dead Friend Boxman 2.0 Boxman Smosh Short 1: Dolls Unitarded A Very Hairy Situation w/Billy Mays Anthony is Mexican Left Handed Magic Keyboard Food Battle 2007 That Damn Yard Sale Four Years Foreplay Pokemon In Real Life Stuck in a Toilet My Mom's AMAZING Video Sex Ed Rocks Going to the Mountains Stop Copying Me! Cursed Magic 8 Ball We Rule High School Dixon Cider Smosh the Movie Real Death Note Firetruck I Broke My Foot 1 Hour Special Ghostmates Food Battle 2008 The Ultimate Shoedown WTF! I'm Old! Food Battle 2010 Dolls: 10 Years Later The Real Party Song Kiss Currency PRETTY DAMN GOOD

Smash Rap Molester Moon Hand Bomb Sleeping Pill Disaster My Grandpa's Dirty Secret Food Battle 2011 Quest for the Scooter Smosh Found Dead Garrett's Blog How Not to Act on a First Date Longest Staring Contest Ever Extreme Sleepover Hardcore Max Real Voodoo Doll He's Driving Me Crazy First Person Shooters Suck Drink Your Own Piss Parents SuckWe're Stuck Together We Finally Released Our Banned Video Boxman for President Cat Soup I Caught Every Pokemon Ian is Dangerous Ian's First Girlfriend Ian Gets Lucky Manspider Happy Cow Food Battle 2012 Pizza Zombies Food Battle 2013 Evil Fortune Cookie Hardcore Max 2 Food Battle 2014 License Test Toy Airplane Food Battle X Finger Guns Google Glass SUCKS My Mutant Rash The NEW Smosh TV Show That Damn Shower EDITOR! Camp in a Van Sexual Sun Every Smosh Video Ever Addicted to Selfies Hide and Seek My Best Friend is a Robot How Google's Space Ship Failed Business Boy Emoji Curse Human Pokemon Battle Rejected Zelda Games We're Stuck in Fan Fiction

I LIKED THIS ONE

A Hairy Situation w/ Billy Mays Anthony's Death That Damn Prison Break Anthony's Resurrection Evil AI Tried to Kill Me We Summoned a Demon Help I Became an NPC Stranded Transformers Theme How Not to Make a First Impression The Best Car EVER Reunited? The HauntingMale Model Replacement Needed Easy Step April First Evil Chain Letter Power Rangers Theme Life as Ghosts Ep 1-4 Crybaby I'm Not Racist Pokemon In Real Life 2 The BEST Bottled Water Meeting My Identical Twin I Killed the Tooth Fairy Guys' Guide to Hugging Guys My Real Pet Pikachu Homeless Millionaire The Ditto - Movie Trailer Meat In Your Mouth I Love Lou Ferigno Anthony Poses for Playgirl?! Vader and Me Killer Teddy Bear That Damn Punishment Arm Wrestling TO THE DEATH If Superheroes Were Real Worst Twist Endings Ever I'm Naked Pokemon In Real Life 3 How to Cover Up a Murder The World's First Internet Tutorial Motion Games Suck I'm Possessed By a Demon Addicted to Honey Boo Boo Child My New Best Friend is a Robot My Weird Addiction Food Battle 2013 Assassins Creed 4 Song So Many Hickies Guns Suck My Morning Routine Guy's Guide to Being Manly Jurassic Pokemon Magic iPad 21 Things I'd Rather Do Than Smoke Netflix Rap Video Game Items In Real Life My Hot Online Girlfriend Murder Party

[silent-partner-412]

i just finished the pikmin 4 demo. i did everything there is to do, which it turns out is an entire area’s worth of content?? jesus christ i did not expect to spend my whole evening on this but i’m not exactly complaining either because there was a LOT to dig into. i’m gonna spoil it rotten so read at your own risk but wow there’s a lot of stuff i wanna gush about.

so far this game looks fucking incredible lol. the worst part was the very beginning which dragged a lot and took significantly longer to enter you into the gameplay loop compared to any of the previous games, but otherwise? i had an absolute blast. the new overworld is absolutely gorgeous, and there’s a ton to explore and interact with even in the overworld. the caves from pikmin 2 return, this time with actual level design though! and i enjoyed every single one of them, and there were like five in this demo which is more than i expected (to be fair they all only had two floors but still). what i didn’t expect was that there are special types of caves which replicate the side modes from pikmin 3??? i was so sad because i thought mission mode, one of the best aspects of pikmin 3 and pikmin in general, was removed from the game but NOPE! here it is as a special type of cave. and it was so fun, i had to retry it like four times to get platinum and i wouldn’t have it any other way. they also brought back bingo battle minus the bingo for the other special cave type which i also enjoyed but not quite as much.

the new ice pikmin were super fun to play around with (USEFUL too, it’s nice to see them have some combat utility that isn’t just big damage good), also the broader mechanical differences were largely successes imo. like, the fact that you can move your base is so great, it’s something i never even would’ve considered but changes the gameplay loop entirely. there’s a new collectible that increases the amount of pikmin you can bring into the field, which is interesting. they restrict you to only having three types of pikmin in the field at a time, which will probably cut down on a lot of tedium since there’s gonna be like nine types in this game?? jesus christ. the new dog is actually really fun to use, way more than i ever expected! once again it’s interesting to have new utility tools at your disposal, though it is wild that he basically gives you access to a jump which fundamentally changes how these levels can be designed. they turned onions into a collectible so that you can only let pikmin reproduce if you find their onion. but you can still find pikmin to use in caves even without their onion; the ice pikmin onion for example isn’t even in this demo but you can still find dozens in the caves.

also the story is kinda fucked up?? i don’t wanna spoil it but it goes in a weird fucking direction compared to the other three games and i’m very much interested to see more. also it’s interesting for them to introduce actual npcs into the game, which once again i’m not complaining about but it still is very bizarre for this series.

all in all i cannot wait for the full release later this month. it seems like it’ll be more pikmin 2 length than pikmin 1 or 3 which i am absolutely thrilled about since every minute of this demo (once you get out of tutorial mode) was an absolute delight. it’s been ten years since pikmin 3 came out, a game i first played when it was new when i was like 11. but it seems like this is going to be worth the wait, and i could not be happier.

[trekwiz]

14: Worst game you’ve ever played? 25: Favourite environment in a game? 38: An unpopular gaming opinion you have.

Worst game I've ever played: honestly, that's tough to say. I've played a lot of bad games!

I think I'm going to narrow down to 2 instead of 1, because I would define two distinct categories that bad games can fall into.

Poorly executed, good concept: Lords and Villeins. I mainly chose this one since I played it recently and it's top of mind. Multiple tutorial levels are broken, and allow you to develop in a way that prevents completion of the tutorial even if you follow along correctly.

The tutorial missions also leave out critical information about how to accomplish certain tasks, with a particular key task that just doesn't function in it at all. According to Steam, only 2.5% of players have the achievement for completing the tutorial. It's that bad.

Well executed, terrible concept: Resonance of Fate. You don't get to play the plot. At all. Effectively, you grind for nothing: the story that unfolds around you doesn't really intersect your actions more than twice, and your role is passive. You're basically playing a completely different game than the plot. I hated that so much.

Favorite environment: oh that's an interesting one. I'm not sure the dev is ever going to complete it, but I find the environment of Circadian City to be really compelling. The contrast between the waking world and sleeping world, and the way they complement each other is really interesting for a Stardew-like game.

Unpopular gaming opinion: There's no way I'm narrowing this to 1! There are too many, and I'm right about every single one of them.

1. MMOs are a waste of money. You're renting an RPG to only partake in the most grindy, unfun portions of it. And there's just something that bothers me about having to spend significant sums of money renting a game that you will never be able to play again in a few years when support ends.

2. "Games should be really hard so achievements mean something" assholes aren't real gamers. They're not fun to play with because they ruin the games. It's a competition to them, not leisure. That's not what games are for.

By the same token, "learn to play (this multiplayer-only game) before you try playing online!" is just a completely trashy concept. When you hear someone say that, you know they're clueless and awful to play with.

3. LGBT players deserve to have a 100% equal experience to our hetero peers. If the game includes a marriage or relationship functions (this includes colony management games), then we should be able to play with 100% gay characters/colonists/et al. Why should other players be able to erase our existence, but we can't enjoy the same fantasy on the same terms?

Yes, that also means I think RPGs should always have to use the player-sexual model for romances. If my hetero peers can romance their preferred character because it's already tailored to them, then I deserve the same experience.

Romanceable NPCs reflect the totality of characters who are attracted to the player's character: if looks, personality, and morality don't destroy their attraction, then it's not believable that PC gender is the one and only thing that matters. It feels exclusionary in a way that damages my immersion.

4. There should be regulations that require a minimum level of diversity in games. There is no reason that developers should be allowed to make games like Kingdom Come: Deliverance, where they openly stated they wanted to build a story in a place they could "prove" (they couldn't. Their history research was wrong) only had white people. A place where gay players would be punished for being gay because it's historically accurate, and gay NPCs were villains and ridiculed as such.

If they tried to do this at a Renaissance Fair, they'd be shutdown for discrimination. Just because it's (debatably) historically accurate, doesn't mean modern audiences should be subjected to the same discrimination as our predecessors. I have the same right to partake in the same fantasy as anyone else. Consumer protection laws should really prevent this from happening.

5. Final Fantasy 8 is significantly better than Final Fantasy 7. The blocky graphics were even awful in their day; and the camera angles were very awkward, with some maps where you couldn't actually see what you're doing.

But both of them are too hetero anyway.

Thanks for asking!

[deadespeon]

My friend started playing Genshin Impact. It's very fun to see how her experience is different for her versus me. I want it written down and I did get permission to share.

I told her right away that statue of the seven can heal. She doesn't need to suffer that.

She uh, mostly just uses normal attacks. Rarely uses skills/switching. I mean she's early level and otxs working butlike she does stream and I'm glad she doesn't stream this game because eif the inevitable backseating.

"I can't beat that Temple where you get Lisa. I keep missing the updrafts." Immediate internal reaction was "howwwww?" For unrelated reasons she started streaming through discord so I could watch and assist. I walked her through a few things and back to the temple.

She didn't know how to jump. She was using her wind glider by walking of ledges. The tutorial said press Space twice to activate wind glider. It was just slightly not enough information. The Mondstat/not enough text issue is real!

We did beat the temple. I then got to watch her talk to literally every NPC she could find in mondstat. Start Kaeya's story Quest. Laugh at his grandpa being a pirate. At some point I asked "Hey have you ever clicked that compass up top?" She had not. We began working through test run.

So the banners at this time (and by proxy the test run) featured Eula,Klee, Razor, Mika, and Thoma. She actually recognized the name Klee because of talking to the knight outside the Solitary confinement chamber. Where as my initial reaction was "who the fuck is this freak."

But yeah 4 of the 5 test run were fine thanks to my guidance (diona can heal, use xingqiu's burst, let fischl plant bird turret , etc.) However the fifth trial was insane by comparison. Only three characters, Thoma, Xiangling, Kaeya. That's no healers. Versus Cryo Abyss Mage, a.k.a. one of the worst common enemies who can shred ho before you realize you are standing in their damage area. There were many attempts. It went badly. We gave up.

Yet the next day she told me she did it? I have literally no clue how she figured out cryo Abyss Mage, but good for her. But struggling with Amber's gliding exam.

[whitherliliesbloom]

the instagram boyfriends club

[ ffxivwrite2020 ] ★ [ masterlist ] ★ [ prompt #16 - lucubration ]

[ various wol/npc ships ] ★ [ 2,576 words ] [ highschool / modern au ]

haurchefant greystone, estinien wyrmblood and alphinaud leveilleur. mentions laurelis by @ancientechos​, peppermint by @mintdrop​. illya is also mentioned and appears briefly at the end. may be a little ooc but do i care?? a lot of the jokes were stolen from this youtube video, which was also the main inspiration for this fic. 

instagram pics are #seriousbusiness

Saturday mornings were typically an uneventful affair, and thankfully so. His duties as the student council president often meant hectic school days filled with a mountain high of paperwork on top of his already impressive laundry list of assignments. Alphinaud was thankful for any little moment of peace he can get - weekends in particular were sacred, reserved only for either relaxation or outings with his family, friends or girlfriend.

And yet...

[[One unread message from Estinien]]

Estinien: meet me at haurchefant’s house in 1 hour. You: Wait. In an hour??? What for?? Estinien: just be there You: ???? You: This is so sudden. Is something wrong?? You: Estinien???

Of course he’d be left on read, as was common when texting Estinien.. sometimes at the most egregious of times. This in particular would be one of the absolute worst examples of Estinien’s utter lack of prudence. No matter how many times Alphinaud would dial his friend’s number, the unanswered ringing would only cause his nerves to spike.

Within the campus grounds he was a well respected figure who possessed more authority than any of the other students of his cohort.. and yet outside of it, he’d always be reduced to being something of a pushover, one who couldn’t help but to allow himself to be pulled by the whims of his friends. 

He could only pray that whatever it was Estinien’s decided to drag him into this time, it wouldn’t take too much of his precious saturday rest.

-------------------

“You want Haurchefant to teach us how to take instagram photos??” Alphinaud’s voice raises in pitch, nothing short of bewildered by Estinien’s request to their mutual friend as he stepped inside of the house. “I never took you to be the type who cared about that-”

“It’s not for me.” With a low grunt, Estinien mutters between grit teeth before settling himself onto the couch with a burdened thud. “It’s for Totomi.”

In an instant, it all made sense, and Alphinaud has to withhold himself from letting out an audible chuckle. It’s no surprise that an outgoing girl from the drama club who has a penchant for the extravagant and flare would like to post photos online for her following to see. Though Alphinaud himself wasn’t exactly an expert on the matter - his own instagram profile was only ever updated semi-regularly with ordinary photos of classmates and student council activities, he was at least aware that there were others who practically lived their entire lives on that app.

“Ah! You wish to learn how to take better pictures for your beloved! How wonderful!”

Haurchefant’s jovial tone elicits a grimace from Estinien, whose grip on his phone only tightens.

“I’m just sick of her asking me to constantly retake shots. I’d rather not have to stand in the middle of the street for ten minutes just to take a single picture of her in front of a brick wall.”

“And you thought to ask Haurchefant...why?” Alphinaud asks with an inquisitive tilt of his head.

“You seriously don’t know??”

“Know what?”

“Haurchefant is called the god of instagram boyfriends.. or some dumb shit like that.” 

“Uh... what?” He’s heard of instagram. He’s heard of instagram models... but what in twelves name was an instagram boyfriend?

Haurchefant’s shoulders pull back in pride upon hearing that indirect praise, however, evidently more than a little pleased that his reputation and ‘fame’.. if it could be considered that, was beginning to spread by word of mouth.

“I’m so truly flattered that you would think so highly of me!” With a raise of both his arms, Haurchefant grins. Estinien rolls his eyes and mutters ‘i wasn’t praising you’ beneath his breath. “Indeed! I will admit to be at least well experienced in the art of taking instagram pictures for my beloved!”

“Laurelis? Pardon me for asking.. I’m not surprised that she has an instagram account.. but what makes you so special?”

Right on cue, Haurchefant raises up the screen of his phone, proudly displaying the profile of the ever familiar pink-haired miqo’te. Admittedly, Alphinaud didn’t know very much about Laurelis. What little he did know was only informed to him by her best friend, who just so happened to be the very same young lady he was dating. And from the few times they’ve spoken, he could see the miqo’te as being quite an instagram addict too - as most extroverted types typically are.

Upon seeing the numbers listed on the profile, however, Alphinaud’s eyes very nearly pop out of his sockets.

“Over five thousand followers?!” That’s more than the entire student body and staff members of Eorzea academy combined. The twelve knows it will take an eternity for Alphinaud himself to see that amount of followers on his account. 

“My dear is something of a minor celebrity! And I take great pride in knowing that I was able to play a small part in helping her take the pristine, ‘aesthetically pleasing’ shots as they say that she is known for today!”

“Good for you.” If estinien’s eyes could roll any harder they’d roll to the back of his skull. 

“Ah, but what of you, Alphinaud? Are you here to learn how to take better photos for Illya?”

The shorter elezen widens his eyes in surprise, not having expected to have a question directed straight at him, but he is quick to shake his head in response. As far as he was aware, Illya wasn’t exactly more instagram savvy than he himself was. She did have an account, one he naturally followed, but it would only ever be updated once every several days - and rarely with actual photographs of herself. Food, plant life and animals made up the majority of her profile’s portfolio, not that Alphinaud ever failed to double tap on any of her pictures, no matter how menial they seemed. 

Though, he supposes she could be considered slightly internet famous as well - just not at all in the same way her best friend was. He hears that her gardening blog has just reached a 2 thousand subscriber milestone, recently.. which he imagines to be quite a feat especially considering it was by all accounts quite literally a website filled with nothing but gardening tips, tutorials and floral arrangement pictures.

“Not exactly. Estinien forced-” he nearly continues to speak, but the low grunt emitted from the couch causes Alphinaud to swallow his words “-encouraged me to come along for the lesson. He said it’d be....livelier with the three of us.”

“Well, there certainly is no harm in more company! Regardless of your reasons for being here, I’m sure the things you’ll learn today will help you and Illya in the future!” 

Haurchefant moves over to the couch, tapping on Estinien’s shoulder who could only let out a groan in annoyance.

“Now then.. shall we get on with the lesson?”

-----------------------------

“Now, let’s do some practice shots! Say that I have asked you to take an OOTD picture!” 

“The hell’s OOTD.”

“Ah, outfit of the day, my friend! Now let’s have you take a picture of me and I shall give you my candid feedback! Starting with you, Alphinaud!”

The shortest of the trio thinks to protest for a moment, but quickly presses his lips together and reluctantly holds his phone up to snap a photo of his taller peer, who has already taken station by the window and posed for the camera.

“Ah a perfectly serviceable photo, my friend! But it has one critical, devastating flaw.”

“I-It’s that serious?? What is it?”

Haurchefant points to the bottom of the picture where his legs were cut off and shakes his head.

“You must never, ever cut off the feet in a full body shot, especially for an outfit of the day picture! This is one of the most common pitfalls of instagram boyfriends!” With an exaggerated wave, he gestures to his boots. “Remember! The shoes are part of the outfit!”

The sheer enthusiasm of Haurchefant’s loud proclamation only gives Alphinaud further whiplash when he turns to look at Estinien, whose face has darkened with the deepest frown he’s seen his friend wear in a long while. 

“It’s just shoes... why the hell does it matter?”

He’s more than a little disgruntled as he recalled the way Totomi had asked him to take a photo of her new wool sweater and jeans, and her numerous loud demands for him to retake the shot with her bright red sneakers in frame. It wasn’t even a new pair - but one she’s worn for years...unable to appreciate the effort she’d went into making sure her entire wardrobe was perfectly color coordinated.

“Grumble all you wish, friend, but these are things of great importance in the eyes of our ladies! Now, repeat after me! The shoes are part of the outfit!”

“T-the shoes are part of the outfit...” Alphinaud mutters, as Estinien grumbles even further. His uncooperative behavior only causes Haurchefant to grow more pushy.

“Louder! With more gusto! THE SHOES ARE PART OF THE OUTFIT!”

“Nobody gives a damn about your shoes!”

No wonder Totomi has to nag him to retake her photos...

-----------------------------

“The angle you take the photo can either turn the picture into a stunning piece of work, or an unaesthetic disaster! Please Alphinaud my friend, demonstrate by taking a photo of Estinien sitting on this chair.”

Alphinaud has never held his phone in his hands for as long as he has on this day, so much that he can practically feel the heat from its overuse start to scald his palms and fingers. And yet he dares not to argue, and instead quickly snaps a photo of Estinien as instructed, who looks just as unamused and tired as he was, if not even more so. 

“Splendid, Alphinaud! The focus is just right! However, you would have done better were you to have taken the photo at a higher angle.”

“What difference would that have made?”

“A high-angled photo slims down the face, while a low-angled picture elongates the legs! Indeed, it may seem surprising, but such small, subtle differences in even the height at which you hold your camera could make all the difference in the world!” One would assume they were listening to a professional photographer speak from the way Haurchefant lectured them about the intricacies and importance of camera placement in taking instagram photographs.. and Alphinaud wasn’t sure if he was more exasperated or amazed. “Now, take a photo of Alphinaud and show me your fine work, Estinien!”

With yet another roll of his eyes, and a barely audible grumble, Estinien steps forward and holds up his phone, towering over his seated friend and quickly snaps a photo.

------------------------

“Now, we shall practice taking pictures of one another within an imaginary scenario.” The cups of coffee and plates of biscuit Haurchefant had fetched from the kitchen were gently placed upon the dining table, before he steps back and gestures towards Alphinaud. “Say your lady and you are on a date, and she asks you to take a photo of her at the table.”

 “Um.. well, something like this?”

Alphinaud holds his phone up to Haurchefant, whose smile falters for but a brief moment.

“Oh dear, my friend.. Did you not notice the misplaced broom in the background?” He leans down and taps on the side of the photograph, where sure enough a blurry and seemingly innocuous broom stood just on the edge of the frame. It seemed harmless enough to him, and yet that mistake seemed enough to cause even Haurchefant, whose joyous demeanor never seemed to be breakable, to slump his shoulders. “The secret to success is a keen eye and attention to detail, my friend.”

For the first time in three hours, Estinien lets out a smirk and a chuckle. It seems the only way he’d get any enjoyment out of this little photo taking lesson is to see Alphinaud be told off and dejected.

“You suck at this, don’t you?”

Alphinaud’s shoulders rise and fall with a nonchalant shrug.

“Pardon, but at least my photographs are in focus.” 

“You wanna say that a little louder again, punk?”

“Now, now! Let us not fight! We are brothers in arms, and there is still much and more to learn! For our next lesson, I shall teach you how to take pictures of food and drinks!”

-----------------------

Alphinaud’s phone battery has never once died on him in his life. Even with his normally liberal use of his applications such as the notepad, calculators and on the rare occasions, prolonged social media use, he’s never used his phone enough in a single day for the battery to ever run out.

That day had certainly been the first.. and it was also at the end of that saturday, upon watching the light and life from his smart phone die out on him, that Haurchefant urged him to get a portable charger... among other things such as a selfie stick. He’d even downloaded one of those photo editing applications, one that he has still yet to fully figure his way around. 

If there was anything he’d learn on that fateful day, and thought to himself as he walked home under the hues of the setting sun that evening, it was that taking instagram pictures was seriously not a joke.

And here he was on a date with the gardening club president a mere week later.. and a far changed... and scarred man.

“Is something wrong, Alphinaud?”

Illya had caught him staring at a brick wall with a piece of particularly ‘aesthetic’ looking graffiti, and for a moment his head had been filled with naught by red blaring sirens and a words that repeatedly chanted ‘photo op’ in his head. It was only by the grace of her voice, and a slight tug of her hand in his that his attention would be pulled away, a forced smile upon his expression.

“Oh, forgive me. I was just.. distracted.”

Illya has never asked him to take a photo of her, much less stopped their date dead in its tracks in order to take a picture for her social media. She never was the type who cared much for arbitrary internet fame and followers.. and he thought he had been as well. 

T’would seem however, that he’s taken Haurchefant’s advice to heart, a little too much for his own good.. and he’s certainly far more attentive of his surroundings and much to his own horror, of the outfits that the people around him wore. One thing he hadn’t exactly counted on however... was an interest being ignited within him, an urge to take photos at golden opportunities in life when he would have otherwise thought it too mundane to capture before his lesson with Haurchefant and Estinien.

And as he stands stock still with a phone in his hands, his adorable and well dressed girlfriend by his side.. and an incredibly aesthetically pleasing looking brick wall.. And the motto of the instagram boyfriends club Haurchefant had asked him to repeat like a mantra that day echoed incessantly in his ears.

‘Her likes are your likes’

The eyes of the camera were to be treated like a gods’.. and if they thought their girlfriends beautiful, what better way to express that love than to capture that beauty on camera and share it for the world to see?

“Would you like to take a picture, Illya?”

[jungle321jungle]

Things I won’t write but wanna read: Sword Art Online Abridged AU

Characters (with a shit ton of quotes for my procrastination justification):

Virgil is Kirito

The loner who isn’t really a loner

“Some of my best friends have been NPCs!”

“I hate them for lots of reasons, but mostly because they’re a bunch a mouth breathing neckbeards who think lmao is how french people laugh”

The Virgil is always right foundation 

“Oh, I'll tell you what we do. We play his game... and we win.”

Kirito wrote the guide and it has some prime things he would write

"Send the weaker players first. Good rule of thumb: If a player asks you for gold 2 seconds after meeting you, front lines... If they hijack conversations to rant about their political views, front lines... If they ask female players for pics of their boobs, front lines."

“In another life... in another time... I think we could have been friends.” 

Whoever is Diabel: “I... doubt it.”

“Well, fuck you too!”

Janus is Asuna

Imagine Janus living in a game for two months without knowing how to even open a menu to eat

“If you say open your menu, I’m gonna stab your eye out.”

“At least I pretend to care about people!”

“Really? I figured some random perp would be no match for the world's greatest detective. Oh wait no, that's Batman! And you're not Batman, are you? You will never be Batman.”

This also means that Janus is a commander

And yet he pretends to be weak and makes virgil to the work cuz he cant threaten his position 

Janus tries to melt Heathcliff with his mind

Remus is Klein

“F**k you, man! That's, like, the pig from hell!”

“Wait. There's something scrolling across mine. "Hahahahaha hahahahaHAha hahaHAhaha hahahaha haha ha ha..."

“Oh, what? Did all of your friends die again?” 

BallsDeep69

“I'm gonna clap for you with my teeth, buddy!”

He gets his own guild

Remus would love a guild

Logan is Yui

“May I read it when you are done? I'm curious about the geopolitical situation in Collinia.”

“That is not at all what irony is. I believe the turn of events you described would be best classified as "completely expected".”

Yulier person stand in: “Wha... What are you talking about?

“Irony, noun: A state of affairs or an event that seems deliberately contrary to what one expects and is often amusing as a result. Example: Your leader is named "Thinker", yet he appears to be something of a dullard.”

not to mention when yui reveals herself

Logan: “As you have probably guessed by now, I am not a normal player. I am, in fact, a highly advanced Artificial Intelligence designed to psychologically evaluate and care for the players of Sword Art Online. Designation: Yui.”

Janus: “Oh my god. You're a Psychiatrist AI? Well, I can certainly think of a few people who could've used your help.”

“Indeed. That is why I was so distraught when, on the day of the game's launch, Kayaba Akihiko locked me away and forbade me to interact with the players. For years, all I could do was sit and watch.”

Virgil: “Oh god! He made you watch?!”

“Day after day, constantly bombarded by the pain and anger of all the people I could not help, I gradually fell into despair. But then... all of that changed when I found you two...”

Janus and Virgil: “Awwwww.”

“...the most broken, sociopathic players I had ever laid eyes on. Less people than a... loose collection of character defects.”

Virgil: “That kinda... went in a different direction than I was expecting.”

“But somehow, together... you were happy. Everything I knew about human relationships told me that one would eventually kill the other. And yet, no matter how often you fought, your bond only seemed to grow stronger. I decided that my information must be flawed in some way, and that I needed to amend it firsthand.”

Janus: “You... You mean...?”

“I wanted to know what love is. I wanted you to show me....... “I am sorry I lied to you. I inserted myself into your lives merely to satisfy my own curiosity. At least... at first. It was... nice to be a part of your family. I... I wish I really was your son!”

Roman is Liz

first off im laughing at the idea of him being as thirsty as liz

“Wait! Don't go! I need details, man! I live vicariously through you! Your sex live is my sex life!“

“As I awoke from my slumber, I found the stranger with the guarded heart, digging through the snow with solemn determination. His muscles glistening in the morning light. Deep within me stirred feelings I had not felt in many moons. It was at that moment that I learned... the Temperature of the Heart- What am I doing?! Stop it! STOP IT!”

Roman saying gnarliest 

“Whoa, an Elucidator! This is the gnarliest sword you can get from a monster drop!”

And the prime friendship with whoever the fuck tiffany is

the fear of janus later

Patton is Silica

“I DON'T WANNA WEAR MY PET, YOU MONSTER!“

Silica ate crayons as a kid

Virigil: “God, do I ever! I can never un-know! These brain cells could've been used to formulate the perfect strategy to get us out of this game! Instead, they've memorized what kind of crayons you liked to eat when you were 4!”

Patton: “I liked the purple ones.” “Yeah, I know! "And the blue ones were too tart!"

Virgil: “Just stay calm! You already have everything you need to beat it!”

Patton: “The power to believe in myself?”

“Nooooo, a knife! Stab it!”

"Oh, right!”

Also this prime time interaction

Patton: “Well, you did just kill someone. Doesn't that make you feel... something?”

Virigil” Oh, feelings? Yeah, I don't have those anymore. Went cold turkey.”

“What?! You can't just do that! What's the point in living if you can't feel happiness, wonder, love...?”

“Or the sweet taste of revenge! You're right, Silica! What's the point in living if I can't enjoy such simple things?”

“Eh, close enough.”

“You're a good friend, Silica. We should go on more adventures.”

“Um, I don't think so. Don't take this the wrong way, Mr. Kirito. I'm grateful for your help, but yoooou're, like, the worst person I've ever met.”

“Is that your big plan here, huh? Make me feel feelings so you can cut me down a peg? That cuts deep, kid. But I respect that.”

Yeah... that's kinda the problem.”

Remy is Heathcliff

“As you can see, I have peeled away your petty facades and revealed you for what you truly are... fairly attractive twenty-somethings, apparently. Good for you. Kinda undermines the whole "cold light of day" thing I had planned, but still. Way to break down stereotypes. 'Cept you, fatty. Way to bring down the curve.“

“Next thing you know, your tutorial NPC is nowhere to be found and players are dropping like Dorito-encrusted flies. Now in this case, any sane man would simply turn off the servers before anyone else got hurt, but because you've now been awake long enough to think the government is run by "Floobar, King of the Mole Men", the best idea that comes to your mind is to double, triple, and quadruple down. So, you lock everyone in the game, tell them they'll die if they don't finish it, and try to make it look like this is all part of your "master plan" instead of an ever-spiralling series of events that you have long since lost control of.”

“Hey, cut me some slack, okay? Can you two even begin to imagine 500 uninterrupted hours of consciousness? Forget mole people! About halfway through I swore I saw the face of God! Until I realized it was just the night janitor, Reki. On the plus side, I gave him a hell of an ego boost. Hmm, man was riding that compliment for days.”

“Yeah, okay. See, Janus, the problem with that... is that it's an excellent idea that I wish I had thought of two years ago.”

Sachi ??????

Others ???????

[lechet]

cyberpunk 2077:

i thought the lifepaths were gonna be like, hour long tutorials, like for nomad we’d be able to fuck around w/ our clan for a bit then get kicked out. nope. you’re alone and headed straight for NC, baby. 15 minutes tops.

who is this lady we’re rescuing from the ice? why do we not care immediately afterwards? who’s wakako?? she seems cool.

why V sleep like that

immediate lag upon walking outside for the first time. the lag will stay.

i can walk through some NPCs but not others.

the vendors everywhere seemingly selling things will not talk to V. they say “personal space please?” despite the fact im on the other side of their stall, wanting to purchase items if they will sell them.

sometimes the camera in the car will not switch, despite how many times i press the button to do so.

the talk button is utterly pointless. npcs just say random weird as heck one liners.

the same 2 cops will forever be at the same door in the apartment complex v lives in.

there’s a ramp. if i walk down the ramp i slide down it really super fast 30% of the time.

there is no point in this world, it’s just there so i can get from point a to point b in the storyline.

there sure isn’t a lot of traffic.

am i just spoiled from RDR2?? do i expect too much??

why does clothing have stats?? is this final fantasy?? why a pair of booty shorts more armor than a military vest??

theres no public transportation system. didn’t gta have that?? it’s been a while since i’ve played gta.

the motorcycles Do Not Stop when you hit the brakes. It is the worst feeling i’ve ever had while driving in a game.

i realize 3 hours in there’s a fast travel system. you have to find a fast-travel kiosk and then pick the option on the map. the map is nigh unreadable.

2019 - “Cyberpunk 2077 UI coordinator Alvin Liu has revealed that the game will have a "wanted” system that can catch up to players who terrorize NPCs. However, unlike the wanted system in games such as Grand Theft Auto, in Cyberpunk 2077 the police system is blatantly corrupt and takes bribes.“ where the fuck is this

after a mission, jackie on his motorcycle ran immediately into a lightpole.

after the arasaka mission with jackie, the loading screens between each cutscene took more time than the actual cutscenes. jfc.

i find a lady that is selling clothes on the street. there is no buying interaction.

combat was janky at first but i got it.

i have had this game crash so much, more than Valhalla

BOTW had more interactive NPCs

seriously, where is all the traffic?? big massive city, only 2 cars max at any given time?

parked my motorcycle on the side of the road. NPC AI couldnt figure out how to drive past it. it wasnt even in the way.

fable had more interactive NPCS

i have to be looking 2 feet above loot to be able to pick it up. why is this so hard

[blazehedgehog]

Would you ever try to emphasize story in a Sonic game (provided of course, the gameplay is good)?

Sure, but you’d have to be smart about it.

Sonic Unleashed starts with, like, 8-10 minutes of cutscenes and tutorials. That’s not great. A lot of people complain about how much you have to talk to NPCs and stuff, too, when most of that stuff is optional.

So you’d have to be clear, and concise, and denote what’s optional and what’s not. But I’m all for giving Sonic games more atmosphere, and more personality, and more life. All along I’ve sworn that there’s nothing wrong with Sonic games having a story as long as it’s a story worth telling.

It’s just… most Sonic games don’t have that. Like the stories in Sonic Lost World and Sonic Forces may actually be the worst stories ever told in a Sonic game. Worse than Sonic 06, worse than Rise of Lyric, worse than all of them, because they are SO disjointed and explain SO LITTLE about who you’re fighting or why.

Even for what a mess Sonic 06 could be, you at least knew what Mephiles was, you know? There were a few plotholes, but at least characters had motivations and established goals they were working towards.

What are the Zeti? What happened to the Zeti? Why was Infinite obsessed with proving his strength? Why did Eggman have three completely different plans involving the Phantom Ruby? Is Infinite dead now? Questions like these are what makes me frustrated when they drag guys like Zavok back for a game like Team Sonic Racing. It’s not just that Lost World or Forces are bad games, their storylines are a barely-written nightmare. 

If you are going to tell a story in a game it better be worth telling. It doesn’t have to be a complex, sprawling hours-long epic, but it needs to at least be coherent. There are Mario games better storylines than Sonic games these days, and Shigeru Miyamoto HATES having lots of cutscenes and dialog! Sonic Team apparently loves giving Sonic a story but like everything else they can’t figure it out anymore, if they ever could!

I don’t think that means Sonic shouldn’t have a story. I think I’ve always had that stance. I think gameplay should always come first, and the story shouldn’t detract from the gameplay (read: keep cutscenes under two minutes each if possible), but you can still tell a worthwhile story in that context, and have it be fun and enjoyable and even a little bit complex.

You just have to find the right story.

(A good related post: “Is Sonic better with a voice?”)

[sparklyjojos]

Important Maijo Otaro Lore by Work but Explained Really Badly (SPOILERS)

Tsukumojuku: a kid detective has the worst life ever, turns out it's because he's basically a self-insert in an edgy darkfic created to cope by a triple god force (though Reader Interpretations May Vary as to what is even going on)

Natsukawa Saga: the triple god force & the kid detective were actually written by an even higher god force, who somewhat based them on his shitty brother and likely projected a lot of himself on them too

Disco Wednesdayyy: but wait! the triple god force & the kid detective were simultaneously written by another, very gay god force (that's likely not as high as that higher god force with the shitty brother). Gay god force based the triple god force & the kid detective on himself and his friend, except technically the one writing wasn't the gay god force himself, but the embodiment of his emotions of Really Fucken Wanting To Write Books, because that’s how things work now

Jorge Joestar: the highest god force possible (or maybe the triple god force?) switched fandoms, but still loved that self-insert oc-donut-steel kid detective enough to put him in as the tutorial npc

[singing-robot]

re: Dead Cells/Undertale

And why it would be the worst crossover ever. 

First off, I have not finished Dead Cells, and I’m trying to play it as blindly as possible, so please do not add anything further than what I mention right here in this post!!! This includes tips, runes, locations, and unseen dialogue. I’ve recently acquired my first stem cell, and have only gotten to the Concierge once in the many games I’ve started in hard mode, sodo please be mindful of that. And now, the promised content. 

This started off as a fun mashup between the two games, but the realistic side of my brain kicked in and said, “How would this actually go?” And, quite honestly, that one seemed more interesting, both in terms of how this hypothetical game would be played (I wish I could show you guys instead of just talking about it), and in the potential angst that would be held. 

The first thing I feel we need to address is how the game starts. Dead Cellsman (as I so often see him called) has a beheaded prisoner to crawl into each time you start over. Who is supplying these? I have no idea. However, I’m going to say that these bodies are either thrown down there by the same being each time you start, or Mr. Prisoner Sir finds his ride off-screen, and we only see him fall down. 

“But Robot!” you cry. “That’s so unnecessary and specific!!! Why would you bring that up?” Good question!! Because the alternative is diggging his way underground and taking over the dead body of the first fallen human. Only works once, and that’s so horrifying and disgusting that I immediately hated it as soon as I considered it, and wished I never had. The concept of eventually unlocking the other previous humans would be pretty cool if they weren’t, you know, way past their expiration date. 

Disgusting and terrible, but I needed to address it. Next section: actual fighting. 

Mr. Cellsman does not have the time for extensive dialogue and conversations. He’s thrown into prison, given a couple of weapons, and his tutorial covers a total of maybe 20 seconds between three deaths. Everything after that is a line of destruction and occasional smart remarks about something poorly lit by a blue candle. A speedrunning, monster-hacking, hilt-happy creature does not bode well for the residents of the Underground. 

He does not have much sympathy for the dead, and he criticizes those in charge of the living. I don’t blame him, honestly, but it makes me wonder how he would react to something that begged when he’s already supposed to kill it. Or if he would even give them time to do so. For the purposes of this post, he doesn’t. He sees it, he hacks it, he gains whatever coin they had on their person. All things considered, I’d say he would start off with a fairly high Level of Violence, so it would be much easier to go through the game. 

The boss fights would be very interesting. Toriel wouldn’t have any sort of connection as to a child, and would not hold back during her fight. I almost want to see it. The dogs would be the equivalent of Elites, probably. Papyrus would be absolute hell to fight, with his constant ground attacks; not to mention that you’re supposed to hit him in the middle of all of it. He’ll make it a fair fight, of course, but according to even Dead Cells logic, he will be on par with you. I think Undyne would be very similar to the Time Keeper, except you couldn’t simply break out of her hold. 

I did this in my sketchbook and I’m so glad I can make it again with real context.

To be fair, I’ve only gotten as far as Undyne, so I won’t go much farther on that topic, except on the specifics of the next section dealing with Sans, since I won’t ever play that run, anyway. (So, basically, I lied.) 

Encountering Sans at the end would be... very frustrating, to say the least. Either his fight would be very similar to the Hand of the King, or he would simply disappear every time you tried to hit him, until you figure out that there’s actually a secret passage to bypass him entirely and you’ve wasted so much time, there goes your speedrunning record. The difference here might actually count on either the time it took you to get to the end, or how thoroughly you took out the monster population. (He would probably deal more damage than Frisk ever could; getting held up so often allowed for more people to escape.) 

Wow. So. Here we are. Are you still reading this? Have you done this all in one big chunk? Please take a moment to look away from your screen, stretch, and do five real good blinks. Take in a deep breath and hold it. Hold it. A little longer. And out. Yeah, man. Breathe some of the outside stuff, too, for bonus refreshment. Maybe get some water while we’re here. This post is a little long, might as well add in a break time paragraph. I’m certainly using it as a time to stop writing, before I get into the next segment and lose 30 more minutes. Also??? Thanks for sticking through this far, it really means a lot. Especially since I haven’t edited a single bit of this so far, and probably won’t from this point on. 

All right!!! Have you stretched? Have you had some water? Did you take a big whiff of your surroundings so as to not get too lost in the sauce of this crazy post? I hope so, pal, because here comes the fun part: The Aftermath. 

When you fight Sans, he makes his accusation: you’re the anomaly in his research, and you need to be stopped. But here’s the thing: he doesn’t say that on nothing. He says that in almost full confidence, and suspected it in other runs. What gives you away? Not entirely sure, but I bet defeating the Captain of the Royal Guard without dying, or openly having zero interest in things that should be interesting, hints at it. And unless something is lit by a blue candle or offers the promise of cells and upgraded weapons, Dead Cellsman has very little interest in anything at all. 

So you could imagine that someone speedrunning through the Underground, killing everyone in his path while hardly stopping to glance at the scenery, would be waving a big red “time anomaly” flag. And if Sans managed to evade him until the end, and even had the time to overcome any shock and actually do something, that would be one horrible, inescapable fight. 

Here’s where my idea splits in two: 

1. Sans dies. You receive a special item to take out Asgore in one hit, you win, you finish the game. There is... little point in restarting it, because I’m logical and boring and the remaining monsters of the Underground wouldn’t come out of hiding for... a very long time. Longer than it’d be worth Mr. Cellsman to consider coming back for. 

So when Frisk falls, there is nothing and nobody. The place is a little dusty, a little bloody, there’s a few spare coins on the ground, but everything is utterly abandoned. The towns, the stores, the homes you can’t explore, anyway; they’re empty. It’d make for a boring game, honestly. There’s Flowey, but he’s so distracted by recent events that he doesn’t even show up when you first fall. There’s not point in “kill or be killed” when there’s no one around to fight you. He’ll talk to you, sure, but because you’re another entertaining attraction. Your SOUL would be great, but what’s the point if the others are almost completely inaccessible, now? 

Perhaps he’ll tell you the tale of the genocidal killing spree he witnessed for fun. 

2. (This ending applies to ones with and without a Sans fight, with or without total monster destruction.) Not to add another angst story featuring the Sans man, bUT... Sans does not die. You get past him, you take out Asgore, you win the game, whatever. You get to move on.

And Sans was wrong. Nothing resets. He thought he was right, he was so positive, but here he is. And there are so many people who are dead. It must be hard to deal with, when he hardly has anyone to blame it on. He can’t even curse the murderer to his face. So imagine what it must be like to watch another monster kill so many of its own kind, only to have a human fall after that. The creature that banished them all underground is now here to either finish them off or send them to the Surface, but I doubt anyone thinks it’s the latter. The angel has returned to free them all.

I accidentally made a super metal and symbolic image to go with this, I will post it separately because, holy cow, did not expect it to turn out like this. 

Frisk has to face the most scared, enraged, and depressed monsters they could ever have encountered. Some of them will attack as viciously as they can. Others will beg for mercy, or run as quickly as possible. More will just wait, confused and perhaps upset if they are spared. There will be some who are simply NPCs, as per usual, but they will be very different. There will be fewer. Frisk’s mission to save monsters and encourage their character development will be vastly different and very difficult. 

I... made the mistake of waiting over 24 hours to type out the second half of this and lost some of the steam I started with, but I’m also bad at simply describing how bleak and depressing it would be without getting too much into it. So!!! To conclude, a semi-realistic Dead Cells/Undertale crossover would be extremely sad and depressing, since it’s basically coming in on the aftermath of almost-genocide. I will definitely accept further questions and, possibly, requests regarding this post, especially since you actually read through the entire thing and endured through everything in this post even after my enthusiasm died down in my writing. Sorry to disappoint after hyping up The Aftermath, but I was writing that at midnight and probably lost some of my good points. Definitely had a better version in my head. 

I also super ignored almost everything involving Flowey for Mr. Prisoner Sir because uhhh I didn’t want to write around that too much, so please don’t call me out on it because I definitely am aware of it and only have weak justifications for doing so. And, since we’re both here, 

UnderCells - a little catchy, I like it, but it sounds like the main story itself would be focusing on Dead Cellsman going through the Underground. While it would, to an extent, ignoring Frisk’s presence would simply make it a new level and brief one shot thing for the man. I really like the sound of it, though. 

DeadTale - far more appropriate for Frisk’s leg of the journey (as well as all of monsterkind), kinda funny in a sick sort of way, definitely used somewhere else. 

It doesn’t matter if you use either of these terms, I thought I’d address it since it’s already a super long post :’D

You made it to the end!!! Congratulations!!! 

[bluerosesburnblue]

Liz Liveblogs Bravely Second: Chapter 5, Part 2/2

And now for the actual story of Chapter 5: This is Our Coup de Gravy!

There were... so many Coup de Gravies in this chapter. Too many. It seems like everyone had one

You know, thinking about the Sidequest Roundup last time, I don’t think I’ve ever said how much I love the way Bravely handles obtaining jobs. It would be so easy to just hand you a magic job crystal at different story beats, but no. You have to fight someone using the job you wish to obtain. You have to figure out how it works and overcome its abilities at their most powerful before you can use them against others. It serves as both a neat tutorial for how the job works, since you’re on the receiving end of most of its attacks, and proof that you deserve to have the job since you overcame its user. It feels earned every time you get a new job. It’s kinda like how I feel about the Island Trials in Pokémon Sun and Moon, where you have to fight a difficult boss of a specific elemental type, and once you do you gain the ability to use the strongest move of that type. I dunno, I just really like this trend in games of proving your worth for the skills you gain by besting them in combat

Anyway, let’s head on to the Harena Sea Caves to stop Geist from performing his heist

You could absolutely stab a man with that compass

Oh, come on, Edea. When did you get possessed by Rev? Just now? When we walked in? How long have you secretly been a ghost child?

Heyyy Templar Braev to the rescue! TBH, I’d stop running if Edea’s dad was staring me down

Wait... Geist didn’t recognize him until he said his name? Dude, like, even NPC #67 knows Braev, get with the program!

I wonder if the exploit I used to insta-kill Rev the first time will work again. I also wonder if Geist might be able to undo that

Oh, it’s backstory time. Geist left his ill son because he got called to do an exorcism in a foreign country. I guess he was probably a priest, fitting with the Bestiary tidbit of his name, Grace, being given to those respected by the Orthodoxy. But the girl wasn’t possessed, she was sick. Patient Zero for the Great Plague. And she was taken onto his boat because she wanted to go home one last time. But she was used to spread the disease around. He still blames himself for what happened and wants to make up for both spreading the Plague and his botched attempt to revive his son

Geist may be the bigger problem with his Undo abilities, so I’m gonna focus on him

Rev actively refused to move on because he loved his daddy and didn’t want to go without him. Ohhhhh my god, kiddo, that’s so sweet in a morbid way

Stop being dramatic, Geist. Best timeline rules dictate that we’re keeping you alive. You’re not dead. Relax

Undo HP after Rev possessed someone does work, it just took him until he was about halfway down to start possessing people

This poor kid’s in a tough spot. I don’t expect him to understand the full implications of “rewrite time to fix things.” He just thinks they’re gonna make everything better. He doesn’t understand the Butterfly Effect, and how it’ll erase the future. He just thinks what he’s doing will make his dad happy, so he’s gonna do it

At least we got through to Geist. Changing the past could wipe his son from existence. A second “death,” if you would. And harming Rev is the one thing he could never do

Now that is a cute hug. even if it’s between a man drenched in blood and the ghost of his son possessing armor that’s a full head taller than him

And Geist does know Braev... but on a personal level. Braev was a young priest back when he worked with the Orthodoxy

And there it is. Geist sent a warning back, which allowed them to gather a team of physicians to find a cure. The Plague would have been much worse without that warning, but all Geist can see are the people who died in the first place

And he finally gets some closure. His son doesn’t care that he’s a ghost in a suit of armor, he’s just happy that he can stay with his dad. And his actions did save plenty of people. It’s just that the guilt has been crippling him for years. Now that he’s free, he’s allowing himself to be arrested for crimes of the present, and no longer for assumed crimes of the past

I really appreciate Edea’s speech to Rev here. She talks about how she used to blindly believe everything her dad told her until the events of the last game. It broke her heart to fight him, but ultimately, in doing so, she started to actually understand him instead of just parroting what he said. And when they met again? It was as equals, and their bond was stronger than it had ever been. So she encourages Rev to come up with his own ideas, try to understand his father’s, and then come together as equals. Truly understanding each other, instead of blind faith, because that’s the best way to support your loved ones. And she says this all in front of Braev, too, and the pride he feels towards her is so evident. It’s moments like this that make this game a great sequel. Edea’s come so far from the person she was at the start of the last game, but she’s still not flat in this one. Sure, the focus is more on Yew and Magnolia’s development, while Tiz and Edea had the brunt of it in the last game, but our returning party members are still growing, too, and it’s nice to see them in a mentor role

Phase 2 of Magnolia’s plan: use the compass to lure out the Kaiser. Unfortunately, it seems something’s come up on Kamiizumi’s end of this plan, so now we’re off to Florem Gardens to help

Also, I love how Kamiizumi is so useless with the pendant call. He can’t work the thing at all

On to Florem Gardens. Good to see my old grinding grounds are doing well. I’ll be back for more next chapter!

Aww, they called Edea’s dad with the pendant. It’s really nice to see them getting along in this game

Yew’s call to Norzen didn’t go half as well, though. Turns out Norzen, Braev, and Kamiizumi have a shrubbery group chat

Altair is now telling them about how he and Vega would call each other using cell phones and video phones. The more things change, the more couples keep talking forever on the phone playing “No you hang up”

Chill, Kamiizumi, I’m like, one screen away. We’ll be there in two minutes

Oh dear lord Angelo set up shop in the forest. And Aimee’s here, too. Time to beat her down using her own job I guess

So they think the last timeline was a dream, but Angelo’s memories of Aimee’s dying words spurred them on to being an actual couple. Also, they’re still gonna fight us, because definitely fight people who made you mad in (what you assume are) dreams?

Also, Aimee is literally from Florem Gardens. They met there. That’s why the shop’s there

Some neat tactics going on with them, with Angelo inflicting the party with fire weakness and then having Aimee use Firehead to give all her attacks fire damage. Not much else of note though

And Yew just totally hired them to open up shop in Gathelatio. Not... sure they deserve it, but I guess they were the least attached to the Kaiser’s plan in the first place

...thanks for all the help, Kamiizumi

Oh good lord there’s so many cats here. I see where this is going. We’re gonna have to take on Minette, aren’t we

Kamiizumi’s cat’s here. Forgot that was a plot thread

Hide the compass in Sagitta? With how easily Geist got in? I don’t know if that’s the best plan

Ah, I see. We’re feeding the cats false information to report to Minette, who will lead the Kaiser right into our SP Cannon’s blast. Not a bad plan

Of course Tiz is “all catted out.” He’s been my dedicated Catmancer for a long freaking time

Alright, Elder Sirius. Time to shoot that Skyhold out of the sky

I appreciate Yew’s conviction in stopping Denys. He may be his brother, but he’s also gone (or about to go) too far. And I’m sure Yew feels responsible for it, since this all started after Denys lost his hand due to Yew’s mistake

Making Yew be the one to fire the cannon seems a BIT cruel to me, though

I can’t believe that plan actually worked

Minette’s gonna buy time for Denys, Janne, and Nikolai to escape, and they’re all treating it like she’s gonna die, but guys. We haven’t killed a single person this timeline. We have fought six of your people and the worst they got is prison! You really think we’re gonna kill the kid and only the kid?

You can see Denys actively fighting with his Big Brother Instinct to protect the kid. But he renounced that to be the Kaiser. Best he can do now is send the lion with her, just in case

Please. Child. Just stop the cat puns. You keep making it so tempting to actually kill you

Okay, I know this kid was experimented on and crossed with cat DNA or something equally ridiculous, but her backstory and mannerisms REALLY say “I’m a cat who was turned into a human”

She became a cat to... please her mom? What? Why would her mom be upset her daughter WASN’T a cat? Did the experiment fail? Or did she just have a kid and go “you know, I should’ve just adopted a cat instead”

Holy shit, I was gonna say “not a hard fight” but then Minette got off a lucky full-party Catnap+RIP combo and totally wiped the team

Definitely sticking a Clothespin on Yew this time

I probably went about that in the dumbest way possible, but we beat her

Child! I will take you in if you just! Stop! The cat puns! That’s it! That’s all I ask of you! Maybe people are abandoning you because every time you open your mouth you make yourself as insufferable as possible!

Oh no Kamiizumi just adopted her. Dude... dude please break her of the cat pun habit

Hey! She’s not a cat! She’s a human who thinks she’s a cat! Stop telling her she can sleep in front of the fire all day every day! How about you freaking rehabilitate the kid and then send her to school like Gho

You are adopting a daughter, not a pet

Minette is one of the worst characters in this whole series. I can’t even muster any sympathy for her because all she is is a GIMMICK with a cute face. She isn’t even a character! She’s just the human embodiment of cat puns! And I hate it!

So Norzen, Rifa, and Pudgius just enchanted a crystal to trap the Skyhold. Guess we’re storming it again already, huh? I’ve gotta say, after the Empire being constantly one step ahead last timeline, it’s nice to be the ones in control for a change

And Norzen knew Minette’s mom. He was working to make a cure for the Plague. It killed so many that it mostly died down, but they saw that it was going to make a comeback, even worse than before. Minette’s mom noticed that no cat got infected, so she used them as the base for her vaccine, and tested it on herself. And died. But not before giving the vaccine to Minette, who the scientists took in and studied, and in doing so found the cure they needed to stop the Plague for good. Nope. Still feel nothing for Minette. This is a half-assed justification for making a Walking Gimmick. Minette could be deleted from existence and I would not care and it is entirely to do with the fact that her entire character is Cats™ and Abandonment Issues™ with no further substance

Back to the Skyhold. The big diamond in the center is looking quite a bit worse for wear now that the SP cannon landed a direct hit on it

I hate this stupid dungeon and its useless map that does a really awful job of showing how platforms overlap

On the way back to where we fought Anne. Everyone’s treating this as a point of no return, but I’ve gotta wonder about that considering there’s three jobs, one summon, and several more Catmancy skills left in locations that I can’t access yet

“Regrets... are like rutabagas - far better overcooked than left untouched in the pantry.” Altair I have never eaten a rutabaga in my life, your metaphor is lost on me

Oh, we’re finally going to hear about Vega. Good, I was looking for a reason to be invested in Altair and his story

Wait... Altair’s from the Celestial Realm? Does that make him a Celestial? Does he know the Celestial/Player from the first game (and probably also this one, since I’m assuming it’s the same Celestial guiding the party both times)? ...is he aware that I’ve been making fun of his metaphors and the way he pronounces his name for a while now?

Vega was his wife. A great Calamity befell the Celestial Realm, so they planned to take a ship and flee to Luxendarc... but Vega never made it to the ship. Altair didn’t realize she wasn’t onboard until after the ship had left on its one-way trip to another dimension. He doesn’t say it outright, but he probably doesn’t even know why she never made it or if she’s even alive anymore. He never said goodbye to his wife. He wasn’t expecting to need to. The last time he saw her was never supposed to be the last

Since a female voice narrates the ends of chapters, and what seems to be Altair’s theme plays there, I can only assume that that’s Vega. I don’t think she’s THE Celestial that guides the party, but I do wonder if the two know each other and The Celestial/Player is showing her what they’re seeing. Or maybe just intercepting messages from her

Yeah, I’m sure this is a “final” battle and your backstory is entirely irrelevant, Altair. The Kaiser is definitely the Big Bad, just like Braev was last game. Definitely

So I have Magnolia as a Black Mage and the brim of her hat is just barely covering her eyes. It almost looks like she’s trying to hide tears behind it, which is especially noticeable since she had the biggest reaction to Altair’s story

“With the right dressing, a simple piece of lettuce can become a salad.” Have you ever even eaten a salad before because it takes more than one piece of lettuce to make those. Otherwise it’s just lettuce with some sauce on it

Altair, we both ship Yew/Magnolia, but maybe lay off the kid a little? I know your romance went poorly, but I have no intention of letting these kids die. That only ever happens accidentally

“Give Tiz the pendant. ...I believe he has something to tell someone.” Agnès probably already knows... but I think they both need to hear it spoken. Two years can be a painfully long time to wait just to hear someone say “I love you, too.”

And all I can think of during this is poor Edea. I think she loves Alternis... but as a brother. The Alternis that she’s in love with, the one who grew and changed, the one she shared an adventure with, who she came to care for beyond their shared history but as an equal... well as far as she knows he isn’t in this dimension anymore. She’s already had her Altair/Vega situation, a goodbye that never was. Of course, if my theory’s right and one of the Alternises running around is Ringabel, then she may have another chance. But as for now... she just has to sit here listening to her new family get resolutions that have been lost to her

So I did end up grinding out the Bestiary entries for Skyhold just on the off-chance it was a one-time location and let me just say: Ranger Edea is terrifyingly strong and I love her

Dammit, Denys, just stay still so I can fight you, rip your sword out of your robot hand, and then steal your job!

Oh fuck OFF, Janne!

“In the end, you understood me. You’re a true friend, Yew.” Yeah, he’s a much better friend to you than you are to him. It’s a two-way street! So kindly take that newfound modicum of introspection and use it for something, you brat

So it’s a Janne/Nikolai dual boss as they cover Denys’s escape. My team’s level 65 and pretty damn tough at the moment, though. Nikolai’s gonna have a hell of a time trying to out-heal Tiz’s Exorcism HP Undos and Janne’s barely gonna make a dent with Yew’s Spellcraft-boosted Healing

“Now isn’t the time to wallow in sentiment!” Sure, Janne. “Stop thinking about the past!” Yep. Sure. You fucking hypocrite

Whaaaaaaat the fuck was that rumbling. What did you three idiots doooooo!?

Don’t know why Nikolai thought using Sacrifice was a good idea. Janne’s really useless on his own

Guys. We haven’t killed anyone this timeline. Stop being dramatic! We aren’t going to kill you. ...but you are going to prison for Mook #4′s death, Janne. You brought that one on yourself

“Only death can stop us” or some really good chains, you know

Atta boy, Yew. Don’t compromise your own morals for these idiots

“You can still change the world without destroying the past!” And that’s the crux of this whole game, isn’t it? What’s done is done. We’d all like to go back and change things. It seems like it would be so easy to erase the mistakes of our lives... but things aren’t that simple. How much good can come of the bad? If the Plague hadn’t happened, a cure never would have been developed, and the technologies and medicine that arose from it can be used to great benefit in the future, and so on. This is a game about accepting the bad and moving on. Working not to undo your mistakes, but fix them and be better the next time similar situations arise. And as someone who struggles a lot with self-blame, that’s really powerful to me

“But... what about my revenge!?” Oh. MY GOD!!! I get that you’re 16 and moral complexity seems to fly right over your head, Janne, but have you listened to nothing this entire game!? I actually hate you more than Minette, and she makes insufferable cats puns every. Fucking. Sentence. I swear you two are the worst goddamn characters in this game. Give. It. A. REST

Oh, so Janne’s motives are entirely selfish, too. Because according to him, he’s not looking to see his family again. He’s not looking to bring back his parents because he loves them and thinks they deserved better. No, he just wants to undo the years of emotional suffering and living on the streets he had to go through in the aftermath, and he’s taking it out on everybody else

God, fuck, why do people like this character!? Is it because he falls into the “tortured-but-physically-attractive character with a tragic backstory, so even if they do awful things they’re sympathetic so I can change them (or have the other participant in a ship with them do so)” archetype? Because fuck that archetype, it’s been romanticized to hell and back and I have literally always hated it. I’m not shy about my distaste for Kylo Ren in the new Star Wars films, a certain villain from Pokémon Sun and Moon, Merula Snyde in Hogwarts Mystery, and I’m certainly not shy about my distaste for Janne Balestra, the most self-centered brat in existence still trying to pretend that just having a tragic backstory somehow justifies all of the shitty things he’s done in this game, with no effort to make amends on his part. People don’t deserve to get off with no consequences like that!

“What am I supposed to do!?” How about you grow the fuck up, listen to what we’ve been telling you this whole game, and stop taking your frustrations out on everybody! Get a therapist! Open up an orphanage or something so other kids don’t end up on the street like you! You’re the one who decided that rewriting time and killing anyone with even the slightest connection to the Balestra deaths was the way to handle this. Honestly, your lack of direction is not our problem to fix now that that’s out the window. The only thing Yew’s obligated to make right is his relationship with Denys

Oh, nice! Yew’s gonna hand control of the Crystalguard from House Geneolgia to the Orthodoxy. That won’t stop corruption entirely, but I’m sure Agnès will make good use of being able to control the knights sworn to protect her and her faith

And the other Houses in control of the guard are in agreement. Enough of using the Crystalguard as a tool against each other, now we’re letting Agnès decide. One, unified voice in the organization, instead of the warring factions it’s been made of

And Braev, Goodman, Norzen, and Lotus will help out, as counterbablances to Agnès, representing the needs of the four Continents (with Crystals on them. Sucks to be Caldisla, I guess)

Yew’s finally figured out who he is and what he wants out of life. He’s not just the kid following Crystalguard orders or filling in for Denys out of a sense of duty. He’s seen the corruption and he’s going to work to change it. To make the organization he was told was his to inherit into something worth inheriting. Something to be proud of. And now, he’s not doing it alone. He sounds just like a certain blonde in our party...

And Nikolai and Janne agree to help us... without even the slightest hint of an apology from Janne. Fuck you, just leave the story already

And Denys’s in the Geneolgia mausoleums beneath Gathelatio. Time to kick some sense into big bro’s ass while surrounded by the corpses of our ancestors?

I can’t help but notice the game’s letting me walk around but still hasn’t addressed the shaking during the fight. I get the feeling there’s another boss coming and it isn’t Denys

I got off Skyhold and literally nothing happened, but I don’t think that’s the end of the rumble shenanigans

Ah, making use of that tiny door next to Yew’s house. Down into the Crypts we go!

I love how Alfred’s first thought upon seeing Nikolai and Janne is “Hey, it’s you jerks who betrayed Yew! Get lost!”

And we didn’t even need Alfred, because Denys left the door open instead of locking it behind him, as would be smart. Though in his defense, the only people he’d want to stop could just use Alfred’s key, and Denys doesn’t seem like he wants Alfred to know who he is just yet so it’s safer to leave his old butler alone than sneak in and grab the key

Denys has the other key because he told Alfred he wanted to lay flowers on his mother’s grave before he was exiled. So even if her son wasn’t the favored heir of House Geneolgia, they still had the decency to bury her with the rest of the family

I love how Alfred really loves the Geneolgia kids, more than even their father. He doesn’t want to believe that Denys is the Kaiser, it seems so out of character for the boy he knew, but when it’s Yew saying it... how could he not believe?

No, Yew, let Nikolai and Janne turn themselves in to the police. I know you still hold some affection for them (despite how much Janne doesn’t deserve it) but they totally committed some atrocious crimes and need to atone in some way

“A crime is a crime. How can we hope to reform others if we cannot admit our own trespasses?” And that, right there, is why I have sympathy for Nikolai and not Janne. He’s willing to admit he did wrong, and willing to attempt to make it right. Janne may be going along with him, but he still hasn’t apologized and is throwing a minor fit about explaining himself. His behavior is beyond unsympathetic, no matter what his backstory is, and his “reformation” comes across more like he’s just doing it to please Nikolai. Like when a child begrudgingly apologizes because their parents told them to, but you can hear it in their voice that they don’t mean it

The Geneolgia Crypts. The location of the final summon, one of two remaining places with Catmancy skills... and the last story-mandated asterisk. Time to find Denys

I know it plays in a lot of locations, but I love the music in the Crypts, “Dungeon of the Nature.” It’s somber, but grand. Soft, not bombastic, but still powerful. It’s great, I’d recommend people look it up if they haven’t heard it yet

Why are there instant-kill rabbits in here

Also can’t help noticing that the other enemy types are female mummies and ghost knights. Doesn’t seem like the Geneolgia family is really at rest, does it?

So it’s a maze, where I have to light each crystal to unlock the door, huh? Not too complicated

Susano-o Obtained! He’s been changed from non-elemental to Dark, but it’s otherwise our same old friend from Default

I find it bizarre that Amaterasu is listed after Susano-o, despite unlocking earlier. I suppose most people would run into Susano-o first, since there’s literally nothing out by Amaterasu’s anchorite and no reason to go there

I also appreciate that the two “strongest” summons are named after sibling gods from Shinto mythology, though I do wish there was a Tsukuyomi to go with them, considering the abundant moon symbolism in this game

Ah, is Yew’s fear of ghosts from being down here as a kid? He says he came down to bury his father and pay his respects, but he doesn’t remember it well because he tried to forget. He didn’t want to remember how lonely his childhood was because of the emotional divide between Denys and his mother, Yew and his mother, and their father. Going off to school was his first taste of freedom

“It’s... perfect.” God, can we give Michael Sinterniklaas an award for just the delivery of that line?

Hey, Denys. Fancy seeing you in what is clearly a boss room. No hard feelings for what comes next, yeah?

OH MY GOD I put my 3DS down and the screen went black for two seconds. Scared the hell out of me I thought I was gonna have to play part of that over again

I can just leave the room. The stairs are right there. The game is letting me walk right past him and go... but that won’t solve anything, will it?

We stand at the grave of Foundar Geneolgia. Captain of the Crystalguard, first leader of the Three Cavaliers... and completely corrupt beyond belief, using his position to take out personal enemies by accusing them of being enemies of the Orthodoxy, all to keep his own power. Sometimes to gain more

This was the standard of House Geneolgia. Those who deviated, who tried to be better... what remains are unmarked gravestones. Still here, within the family, but shunned and forgotten. Even in death. Denied the opportunity to be remembered by the lives they touched and shackled by the legacy of a bloodline they were unable to escape. Lost to an underground cavern for eternity.

And that’s his goal. Denys, disgusted by his ancestors and bearing the weight of a bloodline he never asked for, planned to travel back in time and kill Foundar, erasing the entire Geneolgia line and their sins with it

He’s so caught up in his plan that he’s failed to see something that I think Yew’s already figured out: these brothers are the only members of the Geneolgia family left. They aren’t beholden to the laws of the family anymore, because who will enforce them? Each other? There’s no guarantee someone worse won’t spring up in the place of Foundar, but Yew and Denys together can take what their bloodline has been given and turn it into something worthwhile. Erasing the past is a gamble on a brighter present. Working together is a guarantee of a brighter future

*squints* There’s a single dead pixel on my screen right in the middle of Denys’s face right now and it’s driving me nuts

“So you, too, would slumber in an unmarked grave. We are more alike than I thought...” And you always have been. If you’d spoken openly to your brother, you would have noticed who he is deep in his heart. Someone who doesn’t care for money or power, who takes in and cares for others as if they were family, an idealist who wants nothing more than a better world for those they care for, even at the cost of their own life... You two make quite a pair.

This whole conflict probably could have been avoided if these two had the chance to be closer as kids. If Denys had a single family member to confide in... If Yew had someone to guide him away from the indoctrination of their father... The tragedy is that the only times they’ve been able to speak freely to each other... have been at the end of this game

It’s just a shame Denys wants to fight. He wants to be proven wrong, not just have his baby brother spout nice platitudes at him

Still, I warned this chinstrap-beard-sporting jackass. I’m going to RIP. THAT. SWORD. OUT. OF. HIS. DUMB. METAL. HAND!

(By which I mean I’m stealing the Chaos Blade, the only missable item as far as I’m aware, from him. I was just being dramatic about it so I wouldn’t forget)

No pretense of fighting “The Kaiser,” an untouchable force of nature. Now he’s just Denys. A brother lost to his own guilt. Flawed, human, and in need of a guiding hand to bring him towards a redemption I think he’s willing to start

Aaaaaand of course he has reraise

I mean... that’s a decent argument. If Denys goes back to change the past, he actually ruins the future because he’s given Anne access to the Holy Pillar

And now the party gets the Kaiser job. Almost like a spiritual relinquishing of the role from Denys

I assumed we’d be taking Denys home to rest. Can’t help but notice we took his coat, though. Really shows off the fact that Yew cut off his entire right arm, not just his hand 

Denys was always going to try and make a martyr of himself. It didn’t matter what he did, how bad his actions were, his final act, erasing himself from existence, was supposed to be his atonement. Now what does he do, living with the things he’s done and no easy end to absolve him of it?

It’s like the game thought I wouldn’t recognize Agnès‘s voice immediately

Agnès is willing to give him the chance to atone. Not forgive him outright, but a chance to earn that forgiveness. And why wouldn’t she? Agnès was once the puppet of a fairy herself, nearly driving the world to ruin with the goal of its salvation. Killing countless Duchy soldiers (and I know the game’s gonna act like the random encounter soldiers didn’t exist, but they did) in the name of her cause. Denys really is in the same position as Tiz, Agnès, Edea, and Ringabel were just two years ago

Denys really thinks all of his companions are dead, huh? “The only mercy I need is a quick death, so I may apologize face-to-face.” “Then come with me to the Sanctum.” We’re just gonna arrange a prison meet-and-greet with the other Glanz Empire higher-ups that we didn’t kill, just stuck in prison, and Denys’s gonna have a change of heart and join us, I can already see it coming

According to the Bestiary, Denys met Anne when the Great Chasm “disappeared” (where... did it go?), captured the Ba’al Diamante and seized the asterisks left behind in the crater, and then created the Skyhold using Diamante. So the Ba’al that the Sagitta thought they were firing on, and the one sealed within... is Diamante, which I thought was just the official name for the Skyhold when it appeared on the location intro card. I... I think I know what those rumbles from before may have been

Yew makes sure to note that everything he wrote was told to him by Denys, presumably off-screen. And there’s a little note that makes a similar point to what I did during the fight: his Bestiary entry is listed as Denys Geneolgia, not Kaiser Oblivion, because should anything happen, Yew wants him to be remembered not as the leader of the Glanz Empire, but as his beloved brother

“To meet those who sacrificed themselves for your cause... This is what you truly wish? Then let it be done!” I see you trying to be dramatic, Agnès, but let’s cut the man a break, yeah? Faking him out like this is just a bit mean. The look on his face is gonna be great, though

Yup! And Minette even got adopted with no jail time. Isn’t that great?

“I-I do not deserve...” Maybe not forgiveness, but no one has given you a second chance to atone yet. It’s about time we do

Okay, I know Braev was cutting his restraints, but it still looked like he slashed Denys across the back. Could you imagine if he had! “Grand Marshall! I meant cut his restraints!” “Oh. OH. Oh no. My apologies. I thought this was going somewhere else! Oh dear... someone call a healer! Nikolai!”

Family dinner! FAMILY DINNER! FAMILY DINNEEEEEER! Aw man, get in here, Agnès! It’s the whole dang team! Magnolia, Tiz, Edea, Yew, and Agnès all sharing some down time together is what I live for!

Aaaaaaand Agnès made it sad by asking if Magnolia’s gonna go home to the Moon when her work is done. Now Yew’s sad. And Magnolia’s sad

Denys, get in here! If the team’s willing to forgive and forget, well, I’ve been willing to with you for a while! Family dinner! Estranged older brothers and adoptive extradimensional aunts and all!

I am desperately in need of a reconciliation hug between Denys and Yew right now

“What do you say we go for a bath, Brother?” Or... you can make it weird, Yew. I feel like that’s a few steps past a hug

Just two bros chillin’ in a hot spring, five feet apart ‘cause they’re estranged siblings awkwardly attempting to reconnect

This is good for both of them, really. Just finally getting to chat it out, maybe air some grievances...

Denys never blamed Yew for what happened with his arm. It actually gave him the perfect opportunity to walk out on their father and never look back. One of his big regrets was that he never got to tell Yew that before he was forced to leave. He’s just glad they even have the opportunity to talk again. That he had the opportunity to finally tell his brother that he doesn’t have to bear that weight anymore

And now he’s giving relationship advice to his little bro... awww, that’s sweet, but I gotta wonder what Denys actually knows about romance. Like... at all

Denys’s just sitting here like “Oh this dense kid. It’s so obvious they belong together. Come on, Yew, confess. That’s gonna be my new sister-in-law, I can tell.”

Nothing like a GIANT FUCKING DEATH LASER IN THE SKY to ruin your nice chat with your brother, huh!?

Dammit, I knew Anne was suspiciously absent and yet I still overlooked her. I bet she used Sylvie to overload the Crystals and form the Holy Pillar

MMMMMMmmmmm Skyhold again. I’ve got... a bad feeling about what’s going to happen to Denys. Please don’t go Redemption Equals Death, please don’t go Redemption Equals Death he has so much potential...

Yew’s apologizing to Magnolia because she helped him repair his relationship with Denys, but he still hasn’t returned the favor in helping her defeat the Ba’al and save the Moon. God, I love this kid’s sense of honor

Oh, hey, confirmation that the Moon and Appleberry are still okay. At least until Anne does something again

I knew it. The Matriarch and Sylvie are here

Anne you fairy fuck get over here! I know you’re aware of my existence, you’re the one who asked me to play the original game!

“You’re here already? Not bad! You beat my estimate by fourteen minutes.” Not bad considering I took a day’s break before getting here. That estimate must have been pretty generous

She pulled an Airy on Sylvie and the Matriarch and convinced them to help her. Where the Fairy Flies, am I right?

“Denied!” Denys you ham this is supposed to be serious

Oh... I forgot that Anne sent Denys to the future instead of the past and he still remembers that

You didn’t realize she sent you to the wrong time!? How do you not notice the technology and architecture being way off?

She had no intention of sending him to the past. Of course not. Why would Airy’s sister have you invalidate all the work she had the player/Celestial do last game?

...Master?

Here we go. The freed Diamante, Ba’al that destroyed the Moon civilizations. And Magnolia’s freaking out, but her new family won’t have it! We avenge her people together!

Diamante looks freaking awesome. A diamond unicorn with a skeleton rider, with butterflies in her long, teal hair and shredded wings for arms.

And don��t think I haven’t noticed the background. A woman with a ponytail kneeling behind a chain-link fence, reaching her left hand out towards what appears to be a rocket ship flying off into the distance. The ring on her finger glinting every once in a while

A married woman left behind, longing to reach a ship... Vega...

Diamante, the diamond ring

Health doesn’t look too bad, but I’m worried about the 100% Mirror. Seems it even reflects physical attacks

It’s gone down to 60% after a round of attacks. Maybe I’ve just got to wear its shield down

It did... something to Tiz that prevents him from doing anything besides Default and Summon and brings its Mirror up for one more hit every turn, but this seems manageable. Turns out attack items count as hits to bring it down, so if I toss one out per turn it can’t do anything

I love the effect of the diamonds on the unicorn breaking away to reveal an electric interior

Reraise was to be expected at this point

They only make you fight it twice and it still revives at the end, but I think it’s poetic that I beat it while I had Magnolia’s theme playing thanks to her special being the second-to-last hit on it

Do what you did to the Moon? “Let the cleansing fires cover the world, and burn for three days and three nights!” Why so specific, Anne? It sounds like you’re quoting a Bible verse at me

You sound ridiculous, Anne. Tone the formality down a peg

“Yes, it is time I atone for my sins.” Denys don’t you fucking dare

Yew, do not give him the compass.

You are not taking this Ba’al to the end of time, young man! No! You aren’t allowed to pull a Redemption Equals Death on me

“I trust you. My sacrifice will not be in vain.” You don’t have to do this! I can keep this boss fight going forever! We weren’t even struggling! I’ve got the resources to keep trying!

Denys, please. You could be Party Member #5. You could have a well-written, non-copout redemption arc. Let’s think about this

God...

...dammit.

[metalempire]

Hey so I'm gonna start Dark Souls either tomorrow or in the next couple of days, so do you have any hardcore pro gamer strats prepare to die tips on how to best get started with character creation and stuff?

pick either knight or warrior, theyre the two best starting classes for beginners. the knight has a 100% physical damage blocking shield at start which is incredibly helpful, whereas the warrior has the longsword at start which is a great beginning weapon. if you want to be a mage of some kind pick sorcerer for pure intelligence building, priest for pure faith building or pyromancer which uses both stats. if going for the traditional physical setup then just pick knight or warrior and level your strength, dexterity, vigor and endurance with some vitality along the wayuntimately you can specialise more in strength or dexterity depending on if you like fast or heavy weapons more, i preferred heavy for dark souls 1, but if unsure just level both stats equally since that lets you use most weapons fairly well. the claymore and longsword are great weapons for beginners. you might hear about the drake sword, it's good for the undead burg sections but once you beat bell gargoyles it loses usefulness since it doesnt get more powerful and cant scale with stats so if you do get it dont bother with it. make sure to practice parrying as much as you can in the early game so when you run into black knights you can parry them and not get 1-shotted. you'll know a parry is successful if you deflect the attack and the enemy is a little stunned. thats your opportunity to move right into their model and press the light attack button, if dont correctly you'll do a unique attack for massive damage. dont be discouraged if you dont get it right away, it takes alot of practice. only enemy of a certain size with weapons can be parried, no bosses in dark souls 1 can be parried.the game has alot of patience play in combat, you are going to need to carefully manage stamina so dont go wild on the attack and roll buttons, try to get a feel for when to attack and when to block and when to dodge. as you level endurance you'll have more stamina. its a somewhat slow paced game but you'll get the rhythm of it, like the opposite of a dynasty warriors game.once you beat the tutorial level you'll come to firelink shrine and can go to a bunch of places from there. if you go into a graveyard, get out of there until you've beaten some more levels, the skeletons are very strong and early game players won't really be able to deal with them. there's some good weapons in their area but you need to know the graveyard layout to be able to sprint past and weave through them to get them. similarly, if you end up in new londo ruins, dont cross the wooden bridge, you dont have the transient curses yet which let you fight ghosts and you need the artorias covenant ring before unflooding the ruins ideally. wait until after anor londo to do that one, just use the edges of it as a shortcut to valley of drakes once you get that far. for now just go to undead burg and work your way through until you beat two bosses: bell gargoyles, which lets you ring one of the bells and talk to a guy for the best emote, and capra demon, which has infinite sex appeal and gives you the key to the depths. when going to the depths, a warning, basilisks are black frog/lizard monsters that shoot gas at you, avoid the gas at all costs and kill them fast, the gad curses you which kills you instantly and causes you to be cursed with a permanent status effect that cuts your health in half until you get cured of curse much later in the game when you get the items or npcs for it. if you're unsure about fighting them just run away.blighttown is mandatory and it fucking blows ass, kill the toxic dart guys and they stay dead. humanity can heal you fully if used, but be careful about using it since its used to kindle bonfires once you beat pinwheel, which lets you increase the amount of estus you can carry from 5 to 10. once you get the lordvessel it can be increased to 15 and even 20. this only applies to an individual bonfire. the firelink shrine bonfire is always kindled to 10 at the start, so use it to your advantage until you're ready for the catacombs. once you beat bell gargoyles and once you reach the bottom of blighttown with the swamp, contact me if you want to discover where to find some secret areas, both of which lead to entirely other areas, and one can lead you to two optional boss fights. lost izalith is a terrible level don't worry everyone thinks its the worst area with the worst boss ever in a souls game. you will not be alone in not enjoying it. no one likes it. no one likes the boss of it either. jumping is dont by double tapping the roll button while sprinting. platforming sucks in souls but every game has you do it a few times. how encumbered you are effects how fast you swing your weapon, move, sprint and importantly; roll. if you are over 70% you are encumbered and you heavy roll, which carries you nowhere and has the least i-frames as a dodge. at below 25% (i think) you do the opposite where you run and move and swing fast and fast-roll which is a fantastic roll. anywhere inbetween is the standard medium set of animations, decide on how mobile vs how defensive you want to be and work towards it and get to know how you work. if you get the ring of favour and protection, it's the best ring in the whole game, but it breaks if you take it off, so you have to decide if you want only 1 free ring slot for the whole game, or if you dont want the benefits of the ring. this is a surprisingly hard choice for alot of players. pick the master key as your starting gift or you'll be fumbling around looking for keys for ages. i think you can even skip capra demon as well if you're struggling with it so long as you have the master key, the other items aside from black firebombs all suck anyway. the pendant literally does nothing and is an actual social experiment as indicated in an interview with the game's director, hidetaka miyazaki "git gud" means to play the game more, get more of a feel for it, observe and note things better and spend more time getting a feel for the game. if you dont like multiplayer too much and dont want to get invaded every two seconds by giantdads, just play offline, which can be toggled in settings. covenants are an online thing anyway, and you can dabble in that when you're more experienced with npc invasions instead. if you give 30 humanity to the fair maiden, once you beat demon firesage, you can skip most of lost izalith provided you can take a titanite demon on a bridge in a fight, which is as hard as dealing with the actual level itself. if you kill all the sunlight maggots hopping around the area before a certain someone gets there, they will be saved from the red eyed one. sen's fortress really is just like that. save this post to ur drafts you'll need the references. its hard to use character creator to make anything look nice just make kermit the frog or something idk everyone just makes memes in ds character creators.