#wouldnt even bother posting this but i spent so long writing it up after an HOUR playing hotwheels with jamie so

[atthebell]

My understanding is that roier was just doing a bit as a pedantic lore nerd and ☝️🤓 actually'ing cellbit's ass about the timeline??? Like "sorry you can't be bobby's dad he was dead very much dead when we married 😔 stick to the timeline".

It's very usual for roier to conceal his feelings with a silly act, and as I was not watching from his pov it's harder to tell how much he meant by that comment, but the moment felt so silly to me I don't know why my dash is like this kk

yes lol everyone is taking it way more seriously than it needs to be which is what always happens

yeah i just rewatched the clip and like. my guy is not that pressed i think he does just view it as a matter of timeline and the fact that cellbit didn't have the chance to be bobby's dad, if that's how bobby and cellbit felt about each other. so no one knows, and no one can know, if that would've been their relationship. and also roier has called richas his son before plenty of times so, again, it's really just more a matter of the timeline for him and also making it clear that jaiden will always be bobby's other parent and was there the whole time with him.

also the fact that bc bobby is dead, he can't really decide for himself what that relationship is, so roier is speaking for him in this case and saying that's not something cellbit gets to determine. which he's right about! cellbit can consider bobby his son in that way, because to him, regardless of bobby's death, he means a lot to him and being married to his dad makes him his kid. but that doesn't mean bobby would have felt that way, so roier wants to make sure that decision wouldve stayed with bobby.

idk i think some people are being like "bobby's ORIGINAL two parents were jaiden and roier, so cellbit wasn't a part of that dynamic" and it's like. families are not all little math problems and stepparents and extended families and shit exist. like i think people get way too nuclear about it, but that's maybe just my opinion and how it works in my family. roier seemed, imo, to be talking about the timing. he literally says it's because bobby died before they got married, and cellbit didn't know him long enough for that to be their relationship. its not about the actual logistics of their relationship had bobby lived. i do not think he would've had an issue with cellbit saying that at all had bobby lived; again, he has called richas son many times. but since bobby's dead, that's not really on the table to him, and i think that's fair. people making it about anything beyond that are kind of being stupid, i think, and i think anyone saying he was mean or whatever to say that to cellbit are also stupid. yes, cellbit was probably hurt by it, but he's a grown ass man and he knows how to take a boundary and stick to it. he'll live. it was not even an argument, and he understands why roier feels that way.

idk it's not worth talking about anymore beyond this i think everyone is blowing it out of proportion and it's just making me tired

[ganondoodle]

(idk if anyone wants to keep hearing my opinions on totk book stuff but-)

apparently it says that rauru DID have kids, multiple even, which yeah... is kinda necessary for zelda to even be connected to them so much so that sonia can SENSE a blood connection (which, even with all the excuses with magic, is just a little too far for me to suspend my disbelief bc its over, OVER, ten thousand years worth of generations that seperate her from them that one lil touch of the hand can sense that (feels more like an attempt to make you care about them or .. see them as zeldas "better" parents just bc they exchange a few nice words, i never got the feeling they were 'better' parents and its also kinda disrespectful to her actual parents, like sure rhoam wasnt the best but i wouldnt call rauru better just bc he was polite)- i could see maybe the light power of hylia or sth but since its the coolest dude that ever lived rauru now that had it which still doesnt make sense and makes me unreasonably annoyed and she can sense BOTH of their powers in her? nah) the fact theres NOTHING about them in the game itself is just so ... no way they planned any of this

i dont think theres anything they can do or say that wont make be believe they either

are making it up alla 'fix it in post' mentality trying to hastily explain stuff the game never bothers to do to try and appease fans or let it appear as if they thought about it at all

something went really REALLY wrong during development, which kinda seems likely given how the game turned out (im sorry i cannot let go, its not just the writing, the game design too and how little was changed in the map while being so damn expensive, i dont know how people dont feel scammed q_q)

given that they (allegedly) spent the last entire year of development on polish (where??? where????? huh??? like it would make it more understandable (EXCEPT for the price) if there was alot of trouble, which was also bc it got delayed and ... turned out like this, but they dont want to say it, especially given their reputation, with that quote i have heard way too many times 'a delayed game blah blah') i just??

are they just gonna go and do it like they did with kashiwa (kass)? "they uuuh where flying around the whole time ony cool sonau tech maschines, you just dont see or hear from them ooooorrr they were uuuuh out of the country at the time" (sending invitations to other continents to join their glorious kingdom ;) )

(bet they are also gonna say they did all the stuff like ... moving the shrines around (lol?) and lifting the islands up into the sky- which is still weird bc ... didnt they also say they were living in the sky before coming to the surface?? so where?? did they park all their islands on the surface and the mystery kids had the keys so they had to repark them back into the sky after they returned off camera?? xD also why are the islands so different as an environment if they where from the surface? like even the STONE up there is different- and if they were first in the sky then on the surface and the nback in the sky .. why is there not a single yellow tree or grass in the past- you cant really argue that it changed bc they were up there so long bc .. nothing else changed, the suddendly and totally always there sonau buildings are largely in prime condition, only some slightly moldy, and what we see of the glorious past looks barely any different from the present, aside from like ... some standard trees shuffled, no castle yet and that glowy uwu filter DESPITE that stupidly long time frame between it)

[two-calicos-in-a-trenchcoat]

CW: transphobia, homophobia. Also pretty long and I'm on mobile so I cant put a read more thing on it.

Ok so this is kind of a personal post so if you don't wanna hear about some of my personal drama, just scroll along. But I feel like I need to get this shit on record somewhere since I don't have the screenshots of the texts this is concerning anymore.

So a little over a year ago, I told the person who'd been my best friend, we'll call her E, since I was about 9 that I didnt want to be friends with her anymore. More on that later.

Back in senior year of high school I started thinking I might be Bi. I brought this up to E and she was super dismissive right off that bat. Saying that I wasnt, sounding like she was trying to console me. Like being Bi was this awful thing that I needed to worry about.

Well fast forward about a year and a half and I went up to my college with her so I could do new student orientation since I was starting the next semester. This is when the fact that I was Bi sort of smacked me in the face because the girl doing my orientation was super hot. I immediately knew I wouldnt be telling E that.

Fast forward to march of 2017. Its spring break. I've reconnected with my high school friends. I've never felt the need to hide my sexuality from them and they were instantly nothing but supportive of me. We never really hung out outside of school back in high school (or in elementary school either in Eric's case.) I start realizing that I've been having more fun with them then I ever did with E. And I finally had people to geek out about sciencey stuff with because E doesnt believe in science but eric LOVES science. It was nice.

Well a couple weeks after spring break me and Es mutual friend Althea asked me to drive her to the shelter so she could get her boyfriends cat fixed (it's way cheaper there then at the vet) and spent the day hanging out with her because she WAS planning to walk back there to pick up the cat afterwards and I was like "uh no. I'm not gonna make you walk across town by yourself." So I finally got to meet her boyfriend. Well that afternoon E came and picked me up to go up to the KU campus to get some more bus passes to go to our college in KC because our school was out of bus passes and didnt know when theyd get more.

Here's when I kinda started to realize I should maybe get out of this friendship. On the way to campus E starts telling me about her day at school and how "theres a girl that used to be a guy in one of my teachers other classes. It's making me uncomfortable."

Me: "that sounds like a you problem, E."

Now I knew she kind of thought that way already. She may not have said shit like that around our other friends but I had to hear it a lot. But because I'm pretty nonconfrontational and she was my only close friend outside of school and I was terrified of being alone, I usually just ignored it or politely debated her about it but generally just agreed to disagree. This was the first time I ever decided to speak up to her about it. Unfortunately I couldnt say much cuz her mom was the one driving us and i knew she agreed with everything E said.

But I'd been hanging out with althea and her boyfriend (who just so happened to be trans) all morning so suddenly having to hear E talk about how uncomfortable trans people make her got me more fired up than usual.

After this I slowly started distancing myself from her. I'd been hoping for a few years that she'd grow up and accept that not everyone is like her and try to be more open minded and accepting of people. Apparently that wasnt happening.

I stopped responding to her texts as often. I was trying to think of a way to talk to her about it but all my past friendships that fell apart, did so naturally and on a silent mutual agreement. So I was half hoping that would happen. Pretty stupid. Dont recommend. Just be straight with people.

After a few months of me only answering her texts every once in a while, she decided to start calling me multiple times a week. Often while I was at work. Sometimes from her mom and sisters phones when I wouldnt answer from her number. Idk y she thought that would work. She knows I hate talking on the phone.

I still didnt know what to say to her. I probably should've just told her I needed some space and she might've backed off for awhile so I could figure it out. But subway stressed me tf out. And i have no idea how you're supposed to end a relationship with your best friend of over 10 years.

(Also some of my other reasons for not wanting to be friends with her were specifically because of althea and I didnt want althea to get dragged into it. Unfortunately it ended up happening anyways. But basically back in highschool, if we were planning for all four of us (me, e, althea, and nikki) to get together, and nikki would have something come up, E would tell althea our get together was cancelled but would still have me come over and then made me promise not to say anything to althea about it.)

Around march or april of last year I blocked her family's numbers. This is when they started showing up at my work. The first time it happened I had a long ass line and was helping my coworker get through it before I left. Her sister came in by herself and just asked how I was doing but left pretty quick after she got her sandwich since it was busy. A couple more times they came and just parked outside like they were waiting for me to get off my shift but ended up leaving. The last time it happened E came in while I was there alone and I really didnt wanna have THAT conversation while i was at work alone and her crazy overprotective mom was out in the car waiting for her. So i made her sandwich very quickly so i could get her out as fast as I could.

I was planning on finally talking to her around the end of april but was still having trouble figuring out what to say.

Unfortunately any plan I had to let her down easy was sort of thrown out the window on may 13th of last year.

My mom texted me that morning about how she got a weird call from Es aunt. On her work phone. This is basically how that call went:

"IS THIS OLIVIAS MOM?????"

My mom, suddenly worried it's my work and something happened to me, "Yes?"

"Why isnt olivia talking to E anymore?"

"............I dont know."

So that kind of crossed a line for me. It really freaked my mom out.

I'm bad at articulating my thoughts when I'm mad or stressed out tho. So my friend Alice ended up writing out the text for me and I read through it to make sure it was ok.

Basically it said "I'm sorry but I dont think we can be friends anymore. The way you talk about the LGBT+ community makes me extremely uncomfortable, especially seeing as I am bisexual and have several friends in the community. The way you used to exclude althea from hanging out with us because you think shes annoying and then expect me to lie to her about it makes me uncomfortable. It was inappropriate to show up at my work unannounced to corner me into talking to you when I needed space. And it was even more inappropriate for your relatives to call my mom at work. I'm sorry I didnt say something sooner but I'm tired of pretending I'm ok with everything you've said over the years."

Then her mom texts me. I dont remember all of it but the gist was "you're a horrible person. E never judged you or anyone else (sure, miss "gay people are gross. I can see how conversion therapy might work." Totally isnt judging anyone and 100% cares about the lgbt+ community.) The only reason she did those things is because she was worried about you."

Then E left me a voicemail that I couldnt understand at all cuz she was crying and I felt terrible even tho everyone was telling me I shouldn't. Now I probably should've taken out the part about althea because it effectively threw my "not wanting to get althea involved" plan out the window. Honestly what really pissed me off about this next part both made me pissed at E but also at myself. E removed herself from the group chat I had with her, nikki, and althea. Blocked althea on Facebook and blocked her number. Didnt bother to explain why. I still feel terrible about this even tho althea has told me many times that it's fine and if she'd had to pick a side she wouldve picked mine. But I still felt like she at least deserved an explanation.

Alice told me to screenshot the texts. I almost didn't cuz I just wanted to forget about all this. But I did.

Anyways life moved on. Eric got a new phone and gave me his beat up galaxy s7. I stuck my s6 into a drawer and let it die and forgot about it.

Then on new years I got a call from althea. Not weird at all. She calls me every major holiday and birthday. Shes done this every year since junior year of high school.

Normal phone call at first. But then she says that her mom has been talking to E's mom. Apparently E's mom told altheas mom that I told E that althea hates her and thinks shes a terrible person and that's why E hasnt been talking to althea. Althea of course didnt believe that but wanted me know about it. This prompted me to try and charge up my old phone and get the screenshots off of it. I had it plugged in for a couple of days and it never turned back on. So that's out apparently.

That's also why I felt the need to get all of this written down. It may not be as great as having the actual screenshots but I'm bad at articulating my thoughts when confronted so I want to have something written down in case any of this comes up again.

[luminoustico]

For End of the Year Writing Meme: All the questions sound super interesting so just use this as an opportunity to answer whatever questions interest you most

So funny story I put this in my drafts to complete in the quiet time of New Year’s Day, but then I forgot about it completely. BRACE YOURSELF.

A. If you could rec a piece of music to accompany one of your fics, what would you pick? Why?

Lies by Marina and the Diamonds, to accompany the latter half of Valse Melancolique. It’s a really good song to show Irene’s POV at that point, especially her reluctance to accept that the webs she’s spun are basically collapsing around her.

“I just want it to be perfect / To believe it’s all been worth the fight,” is the most relevant set of lyrics, IMO.

B. Who’s your favourite side-character from something you wrote?

I really enjoyed writing side characters like Rose and Finn, though Rose just edges it because I’ve been enjoying writing her in Don’t Complicate It. Finn runs a very close second.

C. Get any good comments on your stuff this year?

Sure! All comments are good comments, let’s be real. Unless they’re an obvious troll comment or those “update now!!!” kind of comments. Those aren’t so good.

D. Any drawings or pictures that had a big influence on your writing?

The artwork of the late 18th century and Roberto Ferri definitely influenced the tone of Valse Melancolique. Many scenes from certain stories were driven by a single image I had in my head as well.

E.  Who’s your favourite main character you’ve written?

Though I do enjoy delving into Ben/Kylo’s psyche, I enjoy writing Rey more – she’s more enclosed, and I love chipping away at characters to get to their truths.

G. Where do you think you grew the most this year?

Towards the end of the year, I began to realise that writing can actually be fun like it used to be. I’ve been so aware of the way the world is currently that I’ve been convincing myself that my writing must have a message, or it’s not ‘worthy’. I need to understand that I started writing not to pass on any morals or messages, but as a release and a way to find enjoyment in the constant buzz.

H.  How do you write? Paper, pen, computer? Music, no music?

All of those. I write on my phone, on my computer, on pen and paper. Music and no music, it depends. Most often I’m listening to a playlist/album which then stops and I cease writing an hour or so later realising I’ve been writing in silence.

I.  What’s your favourite work you did this year? Why?

I’m always tempted to answer this kind of question with my most recent story. But I’m going to be really honest and say that star among the stars is a personal favourite. And it’s not just because of the pegging.

J.  What are the best jokes you told this year? Any jokes you thought were funny that people didn’t catch? Vice-versa?

I’m completely blanking on this one.

K. Who have you killed this year? Why did they have to die?

Qui-Gon Jinn (to match with canon), Molly and Sherlock (hey it was a story based on Dangerous Liaisons, and I was reading classical Russian literature at the time of plotting) and Kylo Ren a bunch of times (metaphorically).  

L.  Which character did you most write about this year, and why do you like ‘em?

I wrote more about Rey. As mentioned before, it’s because I like chipping away at a character’s surface but also it’s because I really relate to her, especially in regards to her feelings of loneliness and her tendency to put on ‘a brave face’. Plus I really admire her compassion and her strength. I envy it.

M. Meta! Have any meta about a story you’re dying to throw out there?

Not particularly -- just headcanons and reasons behind why I write what I write. (I’ve never been very good with meta anyway.) I really like it when other people meta my fic, or pick up on something I didn’t! That is an AMAZING feeling. 

O. Do you believe in outlines? Show us one!

I do indeed! I love my outlines. For some projects, I’ve got whole folders with docs labelled Initial Ideas, Plot Summary, Chapter Outline, etc. etc. I’ve got my notes app on my phone stuffed up to the gills with mini-outlines. I frequently use my story structure template, which is technically more for screenplays, but the breaking down into acts thing helps my brain figure things out. 

P. What are your pet peeves in other people’s work?

When an author relies too much on UST and ruins the pacing. Like, an author drags out the first getting together because they believe that the anticipation is the only thing generating comments. If it’s right to have them bang, have them bang! The awkward morning after is a delicious opportunity for UST -- just a different kind. 9 times out of 10, your readers are there not for the smut because they’re invested in the story and like your writing.

Q. Quote three bits of writing you read this year. Can be your writing, or not.

Let’s mix it up.

“ “Why did you do that?” he demanded as they ducked into a side alley. “What part of ‘keep a low profile’ is difficult for you to understand?”

“I’m a good haggler,” Rey said through a full mouth. She didn’t have any idea what she was eating, and she didn’t care. It took so much effort to chew each bite instead of gulping it down whole. “He was trying to cheat us.”

“You didn’t haggle. You pushed.”

“I did not. Why would I knock him over in the middle of his stand?”

Kylo just stared. “You need a teacher,” he muttered. He watched her eat for a moment, his expression somewhere between thoughtful and disgusted, before taking a bite from one of his own skewers. Disgust won out. ” -- Symmetry and Black Tar by audreyii_fic. (Grumpy smuggler Kylo Ren, spunky scavenger Rey, canon divergence. Excellent.)

“ "Ben," Rey breathes once Kylo's mere inches away. It's the name Luke introduced him with, the only name she knows him by, and he's never bothered to correct her. Why hasn't he corrected her? The question flees from his mind as she closes her eyes and he leans down into the space between them, kissing her full on the lips. It's not gentle, he doesn't know how to be, but she opens for him the way the flowers she loves so much bloom in the sunlight. ” -- the surface of last scattering by diasterisms. (It’s the apocalypse, it’s exactly the right time to meet the love of your life, right? Read for utter devastation.) 

“ Rey could spend hours in the Falcon’s inner workings. She’d spent so much time in the belly of hollowed-out Star Destroyers, which were horrific remnants of old worlds, cold and grey. The Falcon is alive, speaking a strange language she’s just about half-deciphered. Sometimes, on days where she misses the connection most and dreams of a boy reaching across the stars to find her, it feels like the Falcon doesn’t want to speak to her. It shuts down. Sparks spit at her, and mechanisms develop odd faults.Today, a jet of steam blows directly in her face, not harmful, but almost like a snarl of 'go away'.

Rey climbs out of the hatch, fetching tools. She works with that fault first.

“I’m not thinking about him,” she promises to no-one but the ship she’s looking after. ” -- If I was born as a blackthorn tree, by me!

R. If you had to rewrite one of your stories from scratch, which one would it be? What would you do to it?

Going to cheat here and head back to 2017. I’d rewrite Two Stars Aligned. What I’d probably do is make it a post-TLJ fic, where Rey and Ben decide to run away after getting involved in a secret relationship, but get shot down by the First Order -- after landing in Giaca, they become embroiled in Game of Thrones style politics and the ruling families, while the Resistance and the First Order conduct searches for them. I’d cut out the weird Force shit and make the redemption arc thing more organic by giving the whole story room to bloody breathe. Two Stars Aligned is actually the reason why I now try to stick to oneshots for exchanges and any anthologies I get involved in.

S. What’s the sexiest thing you wrote this year?

Sexiest thing written in 2018... It’ll have to be the pegging in star among the stars.

T. Themes, motherfucker, do you have them? What are they?

Feminism. Females being allowed to be as fucked-up and broody as the men they love, and perhaps, even broodier. Make women afraid of commitment, 2k19.

U. Any stories that took an abrupt U-turn from where you thought they were going?

If I were a blackthorn tree took a pleasing turn away from the initial outline. The initial idea was lots of secret trysts and stuff like that, but I much prefer the quiet romance with a note of hope at the end that it turned out to be.

V. Which story was the most viscerally pleasing to write? Tell us your narrative kinks.

Huh. Hm. Don’t Complicate It is turning out to be kind of fun to write; when I’m not allowing myself to be crippled by the brain goblins that is (they’re strong lately). It’s a combo of writing a trope/kink I’ve been wanting to write for ages -- A/B/O -- and remembering that it’s okay to have fun with it.

W.  Who are your favourite writers?

@kylo-wouldnt-like-those-chips - @conchepcion (every time I think I’m out, she pulls me back in *shakes fist*) - @introspectivenavelgazer - @audreyii-fic - @kylorenvevo - ambiguously - @fettuccine-alfreylo and SO MANY MORE (this post is long enough already!!)

X.  What’s your least favourite work of this year?

My least favourite has to be In Cars. It was an ambitious idea, which I didn’t really fulfil, I feel. Curse of being a perfectionist. I want something to be amazing. World-changing! Tear-jerking! I want Vestal virgins to weep golden tears over my words, already delicately transcribed onto ancient parchment by monks. Obviously, that’s an impossible standard, but I can’t help being cross when I don’t reach it.

Y. Why did you write? For fun, for a friend, for acclaim?

During 2018? Mostly for acclaim. It made 2018 a very difficult year for writing, and just a difficult year in general. I’m trying to make sure I have fun during 2019 with this stuff. Striving for perfection is a punishing task that no-one can ever accomplish because perfection doesn’t exist. Contentment does, though. As does happiness. And those should be more important.

Z. If you could choose one work and immediately finish it, what would it be? How would you end it?

I’d finish Sanctum, my priest Kylo fic. I’m split between continuing or rewriting anyway (the rewrite would include relocating the action to the medieval era, around the time Luther wrote that damned essay and pinned it to the church door). But I do know the exact image I want to finish on, which will remain whether I end up rewriting or not. It involves a name, a scrap of material and a rather fetching colour scheme. 

Ooh. Cryptic.

[oppressiveliberator]

What are things Ghetsis likes to do in his spare time? Does he have anything in particular that he really enjoys doing that most wouldn’t know about? (Like. Knitting or some hobby type thing like that.)

Hobbies, huh. . . .

Ghetsis is a very goal-oriented person. Back when he was Plasma Boss and all, he wasn't really one for many hobbies--he certainly enjoyed doing things in his free time now and then, but by the time he'd adopted N, he was putting most of his free time into Plasma and advancing his goals and such.

But like I said, he did enjoy things now and then!

((snip snip unless you’re on mobile in which case as always I am sorry--maybe i should start putting these into multiple posts instead of singular big ones?  lmao

Also brief mentions of I think abuse, Pokémon abuse, torture??  i don’t think there was anything else triggering in there but i’m also too lazy to reread it lmao))

Ghetsis loves to read. He most enjoys nonfiction--true crime, history, religion, culture, Pokémon, human psychology, science, world news; Ghetsis really loves just about anything that can teach him something new. He's all about doing lots and lots of research, too, and he's actually well versed in old languages, too, especially old Unovan. He made a cypher for translating(and even taught Zinzolin how to read it a bit! In fact, Zinzolin is the one who has the Old Unovan linguistic work he's done atm because he can't let go of his boyfriend's old things) But he also likes a good fiction novel--crime, historic, alternate history, adventure, thriller, horror. . .he's picky about fantasy and science fiction and romance, but he'll read them now and then too.

While he's not really that into it, he does watch a lot of TV lately. He has days where he's pretty much immobile, so something he can just lie down and watch is nice to at least keep him from just sleeping all day. His taste in TV and movies is pretty similar to his taste in books. However, he's not much of a TV person and it's more something he just kind of accepts as what he 'has to' do nowadays. Sometimes he just. Doesn't have the energy to turn pages in a book. But entertainment is always better than boredom.

In his current state, Ghetsis doesn't really do much daydreaming or quiet contemplation, because ultimately it leads to a heavy slew of negative thoughts and emotions and makes him feel terrible. But in the past, he spent much of his time thinking about the world, plotting, planning. Lately if he does anything it's daydream or dissociate but. The latter isn't really, y'know, a hobby or something he really wants to do.

Music! Is one of his highest interests!! The Harmonia family is a very musical and artistic one, so he was surrounded by music and taught to sing and play instruments since he was in diapers. He doesn't think of himself as being able to play instruments nowadays. . .even though he still played now and then when he lost most usage of his arm, so long as it obviously didn't really require both hands or a need for both could be worked around. At present he's more into listening to music than anything--and his tastes are far more variant than you'd expect, as he's able to find some enjoyment in most any genre. He's started to sing more lately, too, although since his voice is often poor, he hates to do it and have to hear how terrible he sounds. But after Bede told him not to be discouraged over it and that some practice would surely restore his voice to its former glory, he's been singing to himself a bit more in an attempt to get his vocal chords back in decent condition.

(The unexpected part of this is when you find him singing old pop songs. . . . . . . .)

Ghetsis is, despite being antisocial as far as his personality/mindset/comfort levels, actually quite outgoing and enjoys people's company and talking to them, watching them. He loves social events and crowds and being around people--although he also hates it because, well, everyone is below him and the world around them is usually disgusting. But he quite likes company, especially from interesting and intelligent people, and he's playfully flirtatious too. While he prefers to do the talking and teaching, he's not against listening if somebody catches his attention and, again, Ghetsis has an insatiable desire for knowledge. Oh and socializing doesn't always have to be positive, either! He l o v e s to harass his protags. He likes to disturb people and make them afraid and uncomfortable and upset. He'd probably be an internet troll now and then if he bothered with internet socializing.

(Also, Ghetsis fucks to survive is a hedonist. So having people around means getting laid when he wants to. And how can he say no to being attended to and having his body worshipped and pleasured? To the power that comes with controlling someone else's pleasure, making their whole body respond with a mere touch, sometimes even less?)

As of late he also quite enjoys taking walks when he can--and while he's still beginning to accept it, he has started taking his wheelchair out(though, not in the regular world, only in the magic plane he’s hiding on) if he can't do his own walking and just enjoying the world outside. He. . .misses it.

He actually is very well travelled and he loves travelling, visiting new places, learning new things in person, going on expeditions and to archaeological sites and ruins and historic places. . .! Up until BW he travelled a good amount and enjoyed the bounties and interests his the world had to offer, practical or not. He likes himself a good time and experiences. Of course it lessened when he acquired his kids, especially N. And nowadays he hardly even leaves the house, let alone the region, though with the way his magic hideaway works(rather, doesn't work) he can wind up travelling by accident simply because it isn't stable enough not to move around.

And, of course there's magic. Ghetsis habitually draws little magic circles and things here and there, little spells to store magic or discourage nightmares or encourage remembering things. If he's idly tracing something on a table that's probably why. If he's idly tracing something on a person, that's probably why--in particular, he'd 'bless' N with safety when he went outside, or put magic on him that would ideally 'lock' his mind somewhat so he wasn't influenced by the outside world and had his plans ruined. Ghetsis does rituals every now and then(there used to be some cultish stuff in Team Plasma. . .maybe. . .but rituals aren't necessarily cultish, just like regularly done things) and magical cleanses, protection for his own spaces, charging the crystals and things he has around, and practices little bits of magic here and there just so he knows he can still do it. Now and then he tries to learn or develop new magic, but he's really not in the best condition for good magic usage. It certainly doesn't stop him but, y'know, tries to keep playing with fire to a minimum lest he burn his house down.

Of course, these are mostly things he does at present. . .with the strokes and the weakness in his body and the problems with his cognition and mind in general. . .his options are lessened in his opinion. His depression and lessened will to live make it hard for him to do even those things--let alone some of the things he used to do.

Sports are among the things he'd done in the past--namely basketball(just kinda happens when you're over 6ft tall.) He gave his old ball to N to teach him to play, but back then he could still play, one arm or not. Nowadays he has trouble even sitting up let along standing, running, and he's still accepting that he needs a wheelchair now and then when he can't get around so easily himself, so wheelchair basketball isn't something he'd even consider trying. Playing basketball? Tennis? Hell, any sport? He can't even consider it. He hates watching sports now. Whereas he used to love to do so because he could watch Unovan teams VS other regions and feel proud and cheer for Unova and so on, but now he can't stand it because it makes him think of how he used to be.

One of the things he did a lot up until the end of BWB2W2, was, of course, train his Pokémon, care for them, sometimes even play with them. They needed exercise and enrichment, and keeping them in fighting and killing shape was a high priority, both for enjoyment/entertainment and for the sake of having strong Pokémon. But now his Pokémon are all gone. . .and he resents all Pokémon for it and his hostility towards them all has increased. If anything at present, he takes even greater delight in hurting Pokémon than he had in the past.

Public speaking, debating, evangelizing, convincing people of Plasma's ways, giving and writing speeches was also a hobby he enjoyed. Usually, however, he winged his speeches, simply spoke from his cunning heart. Of course, if he tried to do something like that today. . .well, someone would call interpol and it'd be a whole thing. . .he does talk to himself a even more than he used to now, but it's not the same.

Punishing and teaching Plasma's members and anyone they decided to. . .host for a while, so they could learn the truths and come to know Team Plasma's might and perspective. . .being able to torment captives, seeing the hope leave somebody's eyes, god. He misses power. He misses victims. He misses taking out his frustrations on somebody locked in his dungeons, beating them and spitting on them and showing them how above them he was, torturing them--. . .expressing his power, he never really gets to do it anymore. . . . Harming others. . .even less. . .and what power, authority, strength does he have to at present anyways. . . . .

Training members of Plasma and their Pokémon, using the Pokémon they'd liberated for various behind the scenes work like building the castle, abusing people and Pokémon alike, really he found such bliss in it. Yes, it was something he kept quite quiet about or explained away until Neo Plasma--after all, nobody knew of his plans and intentions until he was defeated--but that didn't mean he didn't enjoy it.

Unexpected things. . .hm. he's pretty adventurous so I'm sure he's tried lots of things, but ultimately discarded them as things to do often for one reason or another. Knitting he can't see himself doing, one hand and all.

When N was younger, he actually took care of the human dolls and toys he gave him, since n mostly cared about the pokémon ones and was neglectful towards the human ones. Which was what was intended! But it irked Ghetsis's sense of perfectionism to see them all messed up, so he'd do their hair and dress them and so on just so they were in order and not a messy pile in the corner.

Ghetsis liked visiting dig sites and such, but he also enjoyed personally going on expeditions now and then too! He'd been planning one to the Abyssal Ruins for some time, but it never came to fruition. . . .

Since he was so well researched and did lots of discovering things himself, he’s written academic papers and things of that nature too.  Spreading his knowledge is always great.

Sciences piqued his interests sometimes, although that may not be a surprise. It's probably even less of a surprise that he was interested in experimentation on people and Pokémon--he was usually eager to let Colress do as he pleased as a result.

OH RIGHT ALSO! COLLECTING STUFF!! In particular things relating to or supposedly relating to legendary and mythical Pokémon and extinct ones too and history/legends and other unique things--stuff like feathers from legendary birds or orbs or gems said to strengthen or summon them and stuff like that. . .! He has a raw keystone, but he's not super aware of what it is since Mega Evos only really have recently come into common knowledge and he wasn’t in Kalos to learn about that in particular at the time, so he just thinks it's a cool kalosian rock with a strong life energy.

Tbh idk about any unexpected hobbies for him. . .tbf i also have like. No hobbies of my own. So this is kind of a hard question for me because doing things in your spare time??? I can't even bring myself to do things when o have to do them! Lmao.

He's abandoned a lot of his hobbies and interests. It kinda comes with being old and disabled and depressed and losing your will to live. He's feeling a bit better as of the start of the blog recent--so he's getting a bit active again, but. . .he's still not used to being "incapable" and it gets between him and doing anything for fun.

But hopefully this answer satisfied! And if not, if you're curious about anything in particular, send another ask my way!!

[baekhvuns]

HAI HAI HAIIII i forgot when i last sent u an ask but it probably wasnt that long ago🤩 WE WERE GIVEN A WEEK LONG BREAK OMG,, but they gave us loads of homework lmfao💀 why even bother giving us a "break".

my bff jus had her bday yesterday and we jus spent the afternoon playing games from our childhood😭 it was very fun,, MY STOMACH FELT LIKE BURZTING RIGHR AFTER EARING LUNCH JWIDKSJXJSJS I WAS SO SCARED TK NOT FINISH MY FOOD BCS I AM NOT THE ONE PAYING FOR IT😭😭 i ended up not finishing my food lmfao my friend told me its okay😔<3 the serving was like,, 3cups of rice and a very small amoubt of beef😔 IT WAS EXPENSIVE TOO?@?@??@?! i caNNOT

also ive been curious abt this,, how do u plan out a fic? hekxkskx i could barely plan out an outline for an essay istg.. ur fics are so well written and organized😭 it isnt confusing to read at all even if its literlly over 10k words😔

maybe thats jus bcs ur thAT good of a writer<3 eheh

I CAAN TYOE NOW ok nvm lmfao

also,, concert videos and photos are now resurfacing twt and i am tryung my best tk not feel jealous😔 JWKDJWKD I STILL WOULDNT BE ABLE TO ATTEND THE CONCERT IF THEY COME TO OUR COUNTRY ANYWAYS🤩🤩

omg lol what if one day i jus opened the app and the first thing id see is ur latest fic uploaded id cry(happy tears) lmfao i would do that thing yknow where u read slower than usual bcs im scared ill finish reading the fic😟 I ALWAYS CHECK THE LITTLE SCROLLY THINGY ON THE SUDE OF THE DCREEN IDK WHAT ITS CALLED LMFAO,, TO SEE IF IM VLOSE TO THE END KF THE STORY,, IF I AM I WOULD READ S L O W E R NWKXJSKX

also i jus read smth on twt abt how ppl depend so much on 8 pirate boys for happiness😔😔😔 idc lol cat hwa<3

i stikl wobt be active here😭 bcs as i said earlier our school gave us a tON of homewrok istg what if i would just,, not look at it and pretend it doenst exist,, because if i dont see it,, it doesnt exist yesyes😌

hope ur having a great day today<3 stay healthy and happy mwuah also hope u arent too hard on urself when it comes to writing bcs alot of ppl are anticipating and are excited fkr u to post,, u can take ur time ofc no pressure,, im not rlly good with words but i hope u get my point😭

-🍤

HIHIHI SBDB

HAI HAI HAIIII i forgot when i last sent u an ask but it probably wasnt that long ago🤩 WE WERE GIVEN A WEEK LONG BREAK OMG,, but they gave us loads of homework lmfao💀 why even bother giving us a "break".

HIHIHI BDBDBD oMG i think it was yesterday mayhaps!!! NAURRR WHATS THE POINT OF THE BREAK THEN 🔫🔫 hate it when they do this but id still do the homework bc grade conscious 😚

my bff jus had her bday yesterday and we jus spent the afternoon playing games from our childhood😭 it was very fun,, MY STOMACH FELT LIKE BURZTING RIGHR AFTER EARING LUNCH JWIDKSJXJSJS I WAS SO SCARED TK NOT FINISH MY FOOD BCS I AM NOT THE ONE PAYING FOR IT😭😭 i ended up not finishing my food lmfao my friend told me its okay😔<3 the serving was like,, 3cups of rice and a very small amoubt of beef😔 IT WAS EXPENSIVE TOO?@?@??@?! i caNNOT

HDMWDHKSBFB OMF U SEEM LIKE U HAD LOADS OF FUNN LESSGOOOOO BDMWHDK FREW FOOD??? BESTIEEE RUNNN TO THE STALLSSS 3 cups of rice 😭😭🤚🏼🤚🏼 BFMWBDMS ur friend materials gworl w/ all that money, she got a black card??? she wanna drop the numbers by any chance-

also ive been curious abt this,, how do u plan out a fic? hekxkskx i could barely plan out an outline for an essay istg.. ur fics are so well written and organized😭 it isnt confusing to read at all even if its literlly over 10k words😔

omg ok so i don’t plan a fic at all 😭😭 i think of a random scenario out of nowhere and then start building on that scene like “what’s the plot? how will it go” and sorts thank u so much bestie i think there’s a few ways i mentioned in the “for writers” tag below!! thank u so much i truly be thinking how the fics are so confusing bc they jump a lot 😭😭😭😭

maybe thats jus bcs ur thAT good of a writer<3 eheh

GDWNDHSN NAUR NAUR there’s so many others here who r sOOOOOOOO GOOOOD im an beginner compared to them

also,, concert videos and photos are now resurfacing twt and i am tryung my best tk not feel jealous😔 JWKDJWKD I STILL WOULDNT BE ABLE TO ATTEND THE CONCERT IF THEY COME TO OUR COUNTRY ANYWAYS🤩🤩

😭😭😭 GONNA LIVE THE CONCERT THRU OTHERS VIDEOS IF ANY ANON WENT TO THE EUROPE KNE THEY NEED TO DROP VIDEOS HERE TBH

omg lol what if one day i jus opened the app and the first thing id see is ur latest fic uploaded id cry(happy tears) lmfao i would do that thing yknow where u read slower than usual bcs im scared ill finish reading the fic😟 I ALWAYS CHECK THE LITTLE SCROLLY THINGY ON THE SUDE OF THE DCREEN IDK WHAT ITS CALLED LMFAO,, TO SEE IF IM VLOSE TO THE END KF THE STORY,, IF I AM I WOULD READ S L O W E R NWKXJSKX

LMFAOOOO READ SLOWLY PLS 😭😭😭😭😭 BEST FRIEND IT CAN BE UP TMR IF MY BESTIE IS AWAKE TO READ IT FOR ME BEFORE I POST <33333 CRY THEN I PROMISE BDBDFB

also i jus read smth on twt abt how ppl depend so much on 8 pirate boys for happiness😔😔😔 idc lol cat hwa<3

my personality atp is being emotionally dependent on hwa <3

i stikl wobt be active here😭 bcs as i said earlier our school gave us a tON of homewrok istg what if i would just,, not look at it and pretend it doenst exist,, because if i dont see it,, it doesnt exist yesyes😌

OMF OFC UR WORK COMES FIRST FBFFBF LMFAOOOO

hope ur having a great day today<3 stay healthy and happy mwuah also hope u arent too hard on urself when it comes to writing bcs alot of ppl are anticipating and are excited fkr u to post,, u can take ur time ofc no pressure,, im not rlly good with words but i hope u get my point😭

thank u so much 😭😭😭 hope u have a nice break too!!! dO YOUR HOMEWORK,,,, omg thank u for that again 😭😭 i know ppl anticipate my fics but fbfbb ill only ever publish them if im happy with the way it turned out!! so i don’t go that hard on myself, if at all!! i just do this for funsies no pressure!! FBWNFBWMDBWK NO NO I GET UR POINT I RLY APPRECIATE IT SHRIMP <3 🍤

[simplyouidjette]

I know probably no one will see this but I just need to write this out to make myself feel any kind of better.

My roommate in college is someone I have known since childhood but I always knew she was one of those who would go wild in college. I had second thoughts about rooming with her and I should have trusted my gut.

She has brought men into the room many times without asking and having them spend the night. She even had numerous sexual endeavours with them while I was into the room. I had to get up and leave.

I am not that tough on having sex with people in the room. Just tell me ahead of time and if I can find somewhere to go it will be fine. She knew I had nowhere to go and these men could easily take her to their rooms.

I told her how uncomfortable I was with strange men sleeping in the same room as me and that she cannot fuck men when I'm in the room.

She said she was sorry and wouldnt do it again.

She did it again. Twice.

Then winter break rolled around and suddenly she never texts me and I see suttle, passive aggressive tweets about me and my mother.

Skip back in time to. the first time a man was sleeping naked in our room. I had texted my mom there was a man in the room and I was uncomfortable with it. (I'm 18 and my first time living away from home. I have an extremely good and close relationship with my mom, of course I turn to her for guidance). I texted her the first time my roommate brought a man to the room and she had talked with my roomate's mother saying that there was a man in the room but we will work out our issues as adults and not to bring it up to her daughter.

However, her mother proceeded to call her and say she "knew about everything" in which my former friend then told her other about all the drugs and men she was doing. (Literally).

To shorten this up shit went down really fast and bad as her family is extremely toxic. They threatened to pull her out of school since they are paying for it if she didnt stop the drugs and men. My roommate said she wouldnt. (Take some balls since they are literally paying for your entire college). I honestly felt they had some right to say what they did. She was throwing away their gift of free education.

That's when I started to spend everyday apologizing for what happened saying I never thought things would turn out so badly with her. My mother even called her and apologized for what happened.

Still she believes that I ratted her out and this is all my fault, even when I told her I said nothing, her mother just knew what she was like and could assume more was going on.

Time skip back to winter break where she wasnt contacting me but posting things ver passive aggressive that were basically saying things like "stop telling yo mommas shit about my business." Obviously about me.

I was so tired of this immature attitude. Being 18 and 19 years old you need to stop acting like middle schoolers with "dont tell my momma this dont tell your momma that." Own up your life if that's how you want to live it. And if you cant do your drugs without depending on your family who want nothing to do with drugs, support yourself or drop the weed.

She only does weed which I have to particular liking or dislike. I just dont like to be involved with it. My college has strict rules on it and unlike her, I am paying my way through this place and cant risk getting expelled.

So finally I told her I felt disrespected having my feelings completely ignored and that I did not want to room with her next year or even the current semester. (When I drove over to her house unannounced because she bailed on me saying she had plans when she was just sleeping in). She always says she wants people to tell her the truth and talk to her. But when you try to do that she blows you off or if you dont agree with her it means you are out. Gone. She doesnt want you if you dont worship her.

She was a good friend however, so I tried to be civil and said I would always be her friend but we cant live together.

She said fine.

She apparently does not care about our long friendship as she cut me out randomly after the first day back in the dorm and blocked me on all social media and ceasing to speak or even look at me while we are in our dorm room.

She wasnt planning on telling me she was done with me either. I had to confront her and ask her of she was ending the friendship.

She was saying we "drifted apart." That is not the case. Drifting apart is slowly losing that friendship and disappearing from each other's lives. This was a random cut out and purposefully making sure that person is not anyway involved in your life.

I was so hurt because she was a good friend but now I see I was the only one trying to make it work. It is more sad that I'm more mad that she is so stubborn and cant accept her mother lied about knowing everything and instead blames me for it all and calls me untrustworthy and a liar.

Its apparent to me now she was a bad friend and I was actively trying to save an abusive friendship.

She would always ask me how to do anything but would speak to me as if I was a child who had no sense.

She now has moved everything in our dorm that we used to share to my side if I bought it and subsequently spent use anything I bought for the dorm.

The level of pettiness is unreal.

She even emptied out my hand soap bottle because she had refilled it before the end of our friendship with soap she bought.

Now I think I'm stuck with this awkward, tense atmosphere for the rest of the semester.

Its just sad this is how our friendship turned out. Although, the more I think about it, the more I realize she was always this way I was just not seeing it because I want her to stay my friend.

If anyone bothered to read this lengthy, VERY poorly written rant. Thank you. I am having a really rough time right now. O have my classes everyday of the week but sunday and they are killing me. Now I have lost a close friend and she is practically punishing me for something I didnt do. Although I have gotten over the sadness of loosing her and its replaced with anger at all the drama and pain she put me through (I only mentioned one small part of the things she did and said)

Anyway im just in need of a friend or someone to talk to. I have my suitemates but I dont like bothering them all the time. Also if you to live in Newport News/Norfolk Virginia, hello :) (I probably shouldn't have our whole business on here but ya know, not like anyone will know her on here. I post so much bts no one who knows her would ever look at my feed)

[softviking]

Ramblings and Personal stuff i carry around for a while now.

So hi. :) This will be a rather personal and potential long post so i will put this under the Read More stuff. Mainly for the very few people who happen to follow me for whatever reason and think “who the hell is that and why should i care.” You dont, i somehow feel like my Tumblr blog is some kind of safe spot...i hate the word but it is true. I dont do too much here on Tumblr, less now because most of my shows and stuff is on hiatus or so...but i feel surprisingly calm and secure when im on tumblr. It feels like i can write stuff down in my blog and get it out of my system...thats the main reason i will write this now. So for those who dont care, this pretty much is the end of a pointless looking Post but actually just the beginning. XD

Either way, have a good day, night, week, month, rest of the year all. Life is hard but you can make it, i believe in you.:)

Well here we go then for me and maybe a few people who are interested in what this weirdo has to say.

The year 2018 has been a really heavy year with a lot of things that happened. Mainly in my life we had two deaths, my uncle and my grandma. My uncles death was more of a shock, grandma dying was more a relief for all. My parents who were day and night there for her in the last difficult few months, relief for her because she is in no pain anymore...it was sad and everybody cried but we knew it was for the best. But before that happened, two good things happened in our life two. First my niece was born...and i cant even find the words to say how much i love this girl and how much laughter and life she brought in our already chaotic family. I never thought i would adore a baby that much. More than that it helped me realise that I AM NOT WORTHLESS. Its probably my biggest flaw, the mindset of thinking that im just a waste of space, that im not good enough no matter how often someone tells me that opposite. I hate that i cant shake this god damn mindset off, that it keeps coming back with every tiny mistake or every little thing i dont do perfect. Seeing how my brother and sister in law, how my family trust me with this tiny little being...helps me a lot. Seeing how this baby is not afraid of me, how she trusts me and how i can make her smile...thats something i never thought could happen to me.

Anyway...second good thing was that my brother got married. Dont know if i wrote this down here but when he first told us about this girl from Albania, we were a bit worried. He is a bit of a simple mind who often does things just out of spite. He didnt made it too easy to trust this whole thing, getting married after just 11 months of knowing, having spent most of their time together online...it causes us a few gray hair. But after having met her a few times and her now staying here for a few months, the girl is family. She is smart, friendly, helps a lot and is in general a really nice person. We get along well. So we have two new family members who will celebrate their first christmas in our family...a good thing.

Here is the thing...There was a lot going on here and there, small and bigger things that made me look at my life. And i realized that while im happy...i want more. Specificly i realized that i want to “socialise” more. I wanna met people, build friendships...find someone to love. For the longest time i was looking for excuses...but i realized those excuses were just because im afraid. Afraid of what could happen...which i realize now isnt as dark as i imagine. The worst that can happen is that people reject me...woho, big deal. Im sure there are a lot of people on this planet who dont like me...its not the end of the world. So i wanna put myself out there more and maybe here...interact more with the Shippers and stuff around here. Its something i didnt do for two reasons mainly...

One: I think im boring and have nothing to say, that all i might have to say is dumb and a waste of time and just bothers people. Getting rid of this mindset is a hard thing, but i will work on it. Number Two...sounds weird but...im a guy. I know Tumblr isnt some man hating place, no matter how often it might look like it. Thats not the case, i know the place has its bad apples but its not as bad as people want to make it out. It has less to do with the people around here and more...yeah im a smartass here, more to do with society. I sometimes feel like as a guy i shouldnt be part of a shipping community, i shouldnt participate in fandoms with mostly women or transgender people or so. Thats completely on me of course...but i dont really know why. Its probably more annoying than anything because its literally the dumbest reason for not doing something that exists. I shouldnt feel like i have no right to talk to other shippers, to squeel when my ships have cute scenes, to cry when the angst is too much or a fanfiction is emotionally so strong that i have tears in my eyes or laugh out loud. Its nothing wrong with being a guy and shipping stuff or with being emotional...hell i just got tears in my eyes when i wrote the part up there about my niece. Its a weird, eye rolling, thinking im probably the dumbest person in the world reason...i know that. And i will get rid of this mindset in my head...if i have to fight and scratch, bark and bite to be a tall guy who cries and ships cute couples, who is soft as a teddy bear and easily to get to laugh...then i will do that. I wanna ship stuff, i wanna be a fanboy, i wanna squeel about two fictional characters being all cute with each other...and i want to do that with others no matter the gender. So now that i have put this out...the last point and the one im currently most scared about. Remember the whole “I wanna put myself out there more” thing? Yeah that is scary. Since i want to become a writer, make money with writing, get many people to enjoy my books etc...i decided to start with making a facebook account. And not just some secret thing or so, no i wanna do it like most people do. Pictures, talking, sharing who i am, what i like and so on. Thats really scary even to think about it, because of the incredible pressure i feel while thinking im just not good enough. But i will do it, i will put myself out there...hoping i can be cheeky and funny...because thats what i am...well at least more so while writing in forums etc than in person. I hope that i can get the attention of people, not only to socialise and make friends...also to sell my book(s)...yeah money rules the world. I want to make money that is true, but i also want to matter you know? I want to sit there and be one day proud because i know that people really enjoyed reading my storys, the adventures i write, the dangers the characters i created experienced, i want people to laugh about stuff those characters say and do, hate the villians...or love them, i want to know that i reached people with my own hands...that i was good enough. This part didnt go into the direction i hoped, but anyway. To close this off there is one other thing. Dont know if it sounds creepy or so...but i already put it all out there, whoever is around now can not be scared away...hell i probably just write this for myself so it doesnt really matter. Anyway...while getting a good look at the stuff Facebook has going...i found also something...the Girl i had a crush on for all my school years. And as i realize now, the girl i still have a huge crush on. I never dared to talk to girls, not in school or 7 years ago when my weight was double what it is now and i had no idea what to do with life. Yeah i throw this out now too...i never had a girlfriend. Im way...way past 18 years and never even held hands with a girl in a romantic way. Never really thought anybody would care for me that way...but i digress i think. Anyway, the girl is still as beautiful as i remember and it gives me a surprising confidence that she doesnt seem to be married and all that. So maybe there is also Romance in my way...but i dont want to hope too much. For all i know she doesnt even remember me, i didnt particular made a impression on anybody. I mostly watched her from far away in school...yeah i know it sounds creepy as hell but i was really shy and unsure. A part of me thinks that this is my second chance, that this might be how it was supposed to go...but thats more coming from the side that watches too much romance movies and read too many of you peoples great fanfiction in which the same characters fall in love and meet in thousands of different ways. Either way, i just want to know for now if there could be chance or just if she is happy...maybe it turns out it was just a childhood crush i never gave the time to overcome...maybe its more...i dont know. But i know that im willing to find out...something a year ago i wouldnt had dared to even think. So that pretty much sums up the past year and my mindset, what goes on in my little head. If anybody reads this...im sorry for wasting your time or thank you for listening, it helped me get this stuff off my chest. Which helps me focus and move forward. Anyway, thank you very much and like i said before...you got this, you will get through rough times and come out strong...i believe in you.

[summerbodystruggles-blog]

I NEEEEEED SLEEEEP 16th july 19:07pm

Its sunday evening. Im vegged on the sofa feeling like i could go to bed right now. Today has been a super peoductive day for me. Usually on a sunday i get work bits washed for the week, have a little clean, eat, eat some more then bed but today has been different. 6:45am i was awake.. tired but awake. I dragged my saggy batty out my bed and got ready to hit the gym. Yes you read that right, i spent my sunday morning in the gym… and i have to say it was actually prettu decent. I could use whatever i liked as hardly anyone was there. Amith machine? I’ll have a go on there! Deadlifts? Yes smash them out too. It was actual bliss. My gym at times is beyond busy. I’ve actually walked out before its been soo bad. But today was different. I took my dose of gym crack before i left the house so by the time i got there i was super pumped for the workout. I got to work on my workout plan demolishing sets. I even added some exercises because i was feeling energetic 😁 it was the first time in a few weeks i actually throughly enjoyed my time in the gym. Im not sure why. Maybe it was the lack of people as ive never been the one to enjoy crowded places etc but if im honest im hoping its because im getting back into the routine and that gyms becoming an outlet. Not that ive been particularly stressed or anything to need an outlet but its like a place to focus solely on myself. On becomkng a better me. I was able to get out pretty quick but not until i had done my 15mins HIIT … i fricking hate cardio but its necessary to speed up fat lost and calorie burn. Next it was off to the shop to hook myself up with some protein powder… i dont buy any fancy stuff because as long as it does what it says on the tin thats good enough for me. £10 a 1kg bag? Absolute bargain and it actually tastes pretty decent. Ive tried all sorts and mixing with water 😝and milk. But i seemed to have settled with soya milk and diet whey so i dont have a high carb count. Walking round the store sweaty and sore was fun.. i literally just wanted to get my protein fix and get home for a bath. I made my trip as fast as possible as as i stated before i hate sweat and sitting in my own is nothing short of repulsive to me. In the car ZOOOOOOOOOOM home at last. But it wasnt time to put my feet up yet. Cleaning, washing, cooking… i was feeling dead on my feet by 3pm but i still had work to do gahhhh 😥 fast forward to now. I cant barely keep my eyes open… every blink is a struggle ro open my eyes again… i need the toilet and its times like this that i weigh up the pros and cons of having potty next to the sofa. My muscles yearn for total relaxation not a specific one just eveey functioning mucle in my body. I forgot jow tired i feel after a good workout. The sleep is always A grade on a gym day/night which is a blessing because i have crappy sleeps normally. As im writing this im even thinking ‘why did you bother. Its not going to be your best post’ but this blog isnt just about posting when im on a high and full of wit and energy. Its about the highs and lows. I wouldnt call this a low but its a downside to early morning workouts. They do take it out of you. And with that im going to make my way to bed because frankly i want to. Peace and love x