#written by someone who went to catholic school and had to do two comings out

[ke0mara]

BLOOD LIKE POISON (I)- LEGACIES

Summary: Faith Mikaelson has always felt different from her sister. She felt as if there was ominous inside of her that she was sure Hope didn't feel. After losing their parents the two siblings became a lot closer. Whether it was the fact that they didn't want to risk losing each other as well or because they realized that they only had each other left, they did everything they could to protect each other. But things get a lot more difficult when a creature named Malivore starts sending monsters to the Salvator boarding school which forces the students to fight the monsters in order to protect themselves. During this inevitable battle, Faith finds someone who she ends up making an unexpected connection with and she finds out that she may not be as alone as she originally thinks.

wc: 4.9k

'WHEN WE'RE YOUNG, WE'RE TAUGHT the distinction between a hero and a villain, good and evil, a savior and a lost cause.

But what if the only real difference is just who's telling the story? 

My name is Faith Mikaelson. 

I come from a long line of the villains in the tales you've heard about vampires, werewolves, witches, and everything in between. 

The school behind these gates protects the secrets of people like me. And tonight, under the light of the full moon, we will be opening our doors to someone new.'

"RAFAEL SERIOUSLY, IT'S NOT RIGHT," Landon tells his friend with a chuckle.

"It is what it is, Landon," Rafael said.

"You're not Catholic. You shouldn't have to confess your sins." Landon argued.

"I tossed a lawnmower through the patio doors, bruh. If apologizing to God gets Hector and Maria off of my back, so be it."

They walked up to the church and went in.

"Buenas tardes, Father Pietro," Rafael says as they meet the priest.

"Buenas tardes, Rafael. Por favor, pray with me."The priest returns. Rafael gets in a kneeling position.

"Landon, you can leave now. It's okay, we can take it from here." Hector says.

"I'm good, Hector," Landon argues.

"Landon, this is between your foster brother and God, okay?" Maria tells Landon walking closer to him.

"Hey, I got it, bro. Just wait outside." Rafael reassures. Landon sighs but obeys. He walks out of the building and puts in his earbuds to listen to music while sitting on the steps. Hector and Maria make sure he's out there before putting a chain on the door and locking it.

"Spiritus Sanctus. Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst..." The priest then started chanting words in Latin.

"What's going on here? What?" Rafael became wary with what the priest was chanting "What are you doing?!" Rafael exclaimed when Hector and Maria grabbed him holding him still. With the priest still chanting Rafael's bones started breaking. He screamed and grunted in pain. He then collapsed to the ground and when he looked up his eyes were glowing and his fangs came out. 

Landon looked up when he heard tires screeching in front of him.

He then looks up to see Hope and Faith getting out of the car along with Alaric.

"Landon?" Hope and Faith inquired as they walked up to him.

"Hope? Faith?" He asked shock written on his face.

"You three know each other?" Alaric asked once he walked up to join them.

"Long story," Hope replied bluntly.

"Yeah," Faith agreed.

They all looked to the church as they heard yelling and glass breaking inside.

"Dr. Saltzman," Hope said.

"Yeah, I'm on it," Alaric replied going to open the door only to find it locked. He looked back at Hope and Faith. "Doors are locked."

"Dissera portus!" Hope and Faith chanted spreading their arms in an open motion. The doors flew open making the chains break off.

"You're gonna want to stay out here, Landon, trust me," Hope told the boy who looked shocked while entering the church.

When they walked in they saw the priest holding a cross in front of Rafael while chanting.

"Shut down the exorcist, would you?" Alaric asked.

"Silencio," Faith said making the priest stop chanting. "Ad somnum." The priest dropped his cross and fell to the ground along with Hector and Maria. Alaric, Hope, and Faith crouched down by Rafael while Alaric pulled some chains out of the bag he brought.

"Help me..." Rafael grunted out. He started to grow claws. "What's happening?" He asked terrified.

"My God," Landon muttered when he entered the church.

"Help me..." Rafael repeated while transforming more and more with every minute.

Hope, Faith, and Alaric rushed over to chain him to the ground.

"Easy does it. Easy, now." Alaric said while he finished placing the chain on him; whilst Hope and Faith already finished. He then stepped back and Rafael was fully transformed growling and snarling at them.

Landon had a shocked look on his face.

IT WAS DAYTIME NOW AND FAITH, Hope, Alaric, Landon, and Rafael were all driving back to the boarding school in Mystic Falls. Hope was seated in the passenger seat, and Faith was in the back in between Landon and Rafael.

"How do you guys know each other?" Alaric asked breaking the silence.

"He used to serve us milkshakes at the Mystic Grill," Hope replied glancing at Landon.

"Peanut Butter Blast. Whipped cream on the bottom," He said looking at Hope then glanced at Faith. "Mint chocolate chip. With extra whipped cream." Hope looked back at him and smiled along with Faith.

"We danced once." He said referring to himself and Hope.

"We tried," Hope corrected with a laugh, and Faith chuckled lightly at the memory. "And then you moved away."

"Then you both made a door blow off its hinges with your brain. Do you feel like explaining that?"

"Not really." Faith muttered under her breath, but since Landon was right next to her he heard anyway.

"Oh, we'll explain everything. We're almost there." Alaric replied.

"Where are we going?" Landon asked.

"Somewhere safe," Alaric said as they reached the boarding school.

"WELCOME TO THE SALVATORE SCHOOL," Lizzie greeted standing beside Josie at the school's entrance. "We're your tour guides."

"I'm Josie,"

"I'm Lizzie, sisters,"

"Twins,"

"Fraternal. Obvs."

"Rafael why don't you go ahead with the girls while I talk to Landon," Alaric suggested.

The Saltzman twins went to link arms with Rafael. "Morning, Hope." They said sarcastically in unison. "Morning, Faith." They sang in a genuine tone. Faith gave a smile and waved to them.

"Morning, girls," Hope said with the same enthusiasm she got while giving Faith a questioning look to which she just shrugged.

"More like despair," Lizzie muttered.

"I heard that," Hope called.

"No, you didn't," Lizzie said walking away.

"Didn't have to," Hope said. Faith just shook her head at their behavior.

"Everyone, behave," Alaric ordered.

"Love you, Dad." Lizzie and Josie called before leaving.

"So, let's get started," Alaric said motioning towards the doors of the building.

As they entered, Alaric asked a question to Landon. "I'm curious Landon— slow down," He told some kids who were running by, "—were you aware of us when you lived in Mystic Falls?"

"Uh, I knew Hope and Faith went to some fancy boarding school." He replied. "People in town said it was for troubled rich kids. I see the rich part is true." He explained staring at a little girl floating books. "Nobody in town mentioned anyone here could do that."

They entered Alaric's office. "No one in Mystic Falls knows much about us. We blend in just enough. Participate and contribute just enough. Keeps people from asking too many questions." Alaric explained.

"What is there to know exactly?" Landon inquired.

Alaric looked to Hope and Faith. "Well, I used to have a speech prepared, carefully unpeeling the layers of mystical history, but it turns out most people have read Harry Potter and are actually cool with me skipping the tee-up."

"You're a school for magic?" Landon asked incredulously.

"We are a school for the supernatural, which covers a lot of territory. Everyone here has something that makes them special in ways that the outside world... wouldn't understand."

"So, what are you guys?" Landon asked looking the girls over curiously.

"This could take a while to explain," Faith muttered.

"We should get to class," Hope announced gazing at her sister who just evenly met her gaze.

"No. No. Sorry. I don't mean to be a dick, but I don't know you," He said looking at Alaric. "And though the image of you whamming a priest is still fresh, I need you guys here." He said looking at both the girls, but mostly wishing Hope would stay. "Just tell me what all that was in the church last night."

"What do you think it was?" Hope asked.

"Well, as best as I can reason, either I've lost my mind or werewolves are real."

Hope, Faith, and Alaric glanced at one another.

"Th—this is beyond insane. How is that even possible?"

"It's a long story, involving an ancient vengeful witch and a bloodline curse. We cover all that in Origins of the Species, grade six." Alaric told him.

"In sixth grade at my school, we learned the state capitals," Landon stated making Faith and Hope laugh.

"We teach that, too," Hope said.

"I have some questions about Rafael," Alaric stated.

"Like what?"

"Well, let's start with who he killed recently."

"Why would you ask me that?"

"The werewolf gene lies dormant until the carrier takes a human life," Alaric explained. "If Rafael triggered his curse, it's... because he killed someone. And we don't accept cold-blooded killers into our program."

"He's not a killer," Landon said getting defensive.

"We're not trying—" Hope started.

"He's not... a killer," Landon repeated.

"Well, I know a little bit about his background." Alaric started. "Neglectful birth parents. Orphaned in adolescence. Six foster homes in seven years. Prone to fits of anger." He listed and Faith felt some pity for the boy.

"Yeah, you could just as easily be reading my file— that's what it's like out there for people like him and me." Landon exasperated.

"Landon, l know this is a lot to take in right now, but we're only trying to help," Hope said. "Faith and I have been going here since we were seven. This is a safe place for people like Rafael. It's a home."

"Yeah, Landon just let us help him out." Faith tried to reason with him. "He'll do well here. He'll be okay."

"But... if we take him in, we need to make sure that he is not a threat," Alaric said.

"His girlfriend..." Landon sighed. "Cassie. Last month... he was driving, there was a storm, he took a turn too fast. And then he started acting out. At first, I thought it was just grief. And then maybe... maybe drugs or something. And then he threw a 200-pound lawnmower 50 feet across the yard. That was when our foster parents called in the priest. I guess they thought he was possessed by the devil."

"All of that is... consistent with a newly triggered wolf. It's normal. Thank you for that, Landon." Alaric explained. "Oh." He looked to Hope and Faith.

"Everything's gonna be okay. I promise." Hope said walking up to Landon and reassuring him.

"We're ready," Faith called out. The door opened and in came M.G.

"Landon Kirby, Milton Greasley," Alaric introduced as M.G. walked over.

"Come on, Dr. Saltzman," M.G. said indicating that Alaric uses his preferred title— M.G.

"Right. M.G. I'm sorry. Take it from a guy named Alaric. I get it. Landon, M.G. is my student aide." Alaric explained.

"He's also a vampire," Faith added.

"Of course he is," Landon mused. "You know, for a school with a secret to keep, you're kind of liberal with your information."

"Well, we don't actually intend for you to remember any of it," Alaric confessed making Landon confused.

M.G. put his hand on Landon's shoulder, looked deeply into his eyes, and started to compel him. "Forget everything you've seen or learned since last night. All you need to know is that your friend has found a home where he can live a better life. You'll miss him. But you know it's for the best."

Landon roughly removed M.G.'s hand from his shoulder and said, "Are you three out of your minds? How could I forget any of this?"

"What the hell?" Faith exclaimed confused as to how the compulsion didn't work.

"M.G. did you do it wrong?" Hope quickly asked.

"No, I didn't do it wrong," M.G. argued. "It's the easiest vampire trick in the book."

"Well, it didn't work." Hope snapped back.

"Obviously it didn't work." Landon tries to leave the office but M.G. vamp-sped in front of him and grabbed his neck applying pressure until he passed out. They hurried over to them.

"Careful. Get him to the cellar. This is not good this is bad." Alaric said as he opened the door for M.G. to drag Landon out. Hope stared at them with worry in her eyes and Faith just placed a hand on her shoulder in a comforting manner. Hope sent her a small thankful look.

FAITH LEFT HOPE TO TALK TO LANDON alone and meet up with Lizzie and Josie.

Faith saw them heading to the field with Rafael and went up to them.

"Alyssa Chang made a broom fly in physics last year, but Rick Rogers fell 30 feet during practice, so real-life Quidditch remains an elusive pipe dream," Faith heard Lizzie say. "It's called Wickery. My parents invented it when we were ten."

"Hey. Josie. Lizzie." Faith called when she reached them.

"Hey, Faith." They said in unison.

"And..." She said pointing to Rafael. "Rafael, right?"

"Yeah," He replied with a small polite smile still looking overwhelmed by everything, and Faith couldn't blame him. "Nice to meet you, Faith."

"Same to you," Faith said returning the smile.

"Come on, Faith, sit with me and M.G.," Josie said linking her arm with Faith's.

"Ok," Faith told her starting to walk off with her. "See ya, Liz. You as well, Rafael."

"Bye, Faith," Lizzie said while Rafael gave a small wave.

Faith and Josie walked over to where M.G. was seated and unlinked their arms when they sat down on opposite sides of him.

"Yo," M.G. called to them. "Giving up dibs on the new guy so quickly?" He directed to Josie.

Josie smiled while looking at Rafael as she replied, "It's not a competition."

"Yeah, Jo, because if it was, no offense, you would lose to Lizzie," Faith told her to which Josie gave her a look. "Come on. I'm sorry, but you know it's true."

"Plus..." She started again lightly glaring at Faith and ignoring her previous comment. "I'm still nursing a wounded soul."

"Hmm. Penelope Park." M.G. said.

"We don't mention her name anymore, remember?" Josie reminded making M.G. chuckle and apologize.

"Then how about we just call her bitch? That works too, right?" Faith asked with a small grin on her face, trying to lighten the mood. Which worked when she heard Josie and M.G. chuckle.

After a moment of silence, M.G. asked Josie something, "Do you think he'll go for her?"

"Probably. They usually do." Josie said while glancing at Lizzie and Rafael again.

"Don't worry about it too much Jo, we can be single, depressed souls together." Faith sighed out dramatically looking over to Josie. "No one goes for me either."

"Oh please, Faith. Remember Dylan or Rowan," M.G. started listing off the guys who tried to ask out Faith but got rejected.

"Ok, M.G., I meant people who are actually good for me," Faith argued grimacing at the thought of them all. "Point is, Josie, you're an incredible person and soon enough you're gonna find someone for you, alright?"

"Okay, thanks." She said with a small smile. Faith looked back over to where Lizzie was and saw Rafael getting up, the former looking sad. Faith knew that wouldn't end well.

"Oh. I forgot I was supposed to be training with Dr. Saltzman right now— bye guys." Faith said to them quickly getting up.

"Bye Faith."

"I'll talk to you later."

RIGHT NOW FAITH WAS WATCHING AS Hope and Alaric sparred waiting for it to be her turn.

"You didn't have to lock him in a cellar," Hope said angrily stopping for a moment.

"Where else was I gonna put him?" Alaric asked trying to send a right hook to Hope who just dodged. Alaric tried to punch her again but she backed up. "Block with your hand."

"I got it," Hope called back annoyed. Faith just rolled her eyes at her sister's stubbornness.

"If you had it I wouldn't have to say it." Alaric said walking past her and throwing another right hook to which Hope just grabbed his arm and pushed him forward. He quickly regained his composure and Hope threw a left hook which he went back to dodge she then swung her right arm grabbed it and held it behind her back.

"Dimiterre," Hope muttered causing Alaric to flip over her head. Hope then did a backflip and pinned him down.

"Cheater!" Faith exclaimed at the same time as Alaric. Hope only looked over to Faith smirking then looked down to Alaric.

"You should really let a vampire start doing our training. You're getting a little old for me to break your human bones." Hope taunted.

"Speak for yourself I like Saltzman training," Faith said with a small smile.

"Thank you, Faith," Alaric replied giving a grateful smile in Faith's direction. Hope only rolled her eyes as Faith stuck her tongue out at her. Hope then helped Alaric up as he asked, "You and Landon, you a thing or something?"

"I don't have things," Hope replied while they continued to spare.

"Yes, I'm well aware of your quest to avoid all emotional intimacy. There was obviously something."

"I liked him. He's normal."

"Well, let's keep him that way. We survive here because we follow the rules. We can't get sloppy about it." Alaric explained walking over to his water bottle and handing Hope hers.

"You're the one that's always telling us that we need to get out more," Hope said with a chuckle.

And Alaric was right about that. Hope is hardly social, and doesn't really talk to anybody but her sister. Faith has a few friends but she mostly likes the stay by her sister's side, because she feels that if Hope is suffering she should stick around to help her get through it. For another valid reason as well, but what Faith doesn't put into thought to recognize is that she's also suffering inside but trying to push down the emotions and put on a brave face, if that's for herself or her sister she doesn't know.

"I tell you both that you need to stop locking yourselves in your dorm room binge-watching Cutthroat Kitchen and the Harry Potter series." He says taking a glance at Faith. "I don't tell you to go out and fraternize with the human locals." He directed to Hope.

"You know you can just be my headmaster. All this other stuff isn't in the job description." Hope said.

"Hope..." Faith muttered quietly.

"Attempt to make an actual friend here, and we could reevaluate this relationship," Alaric told Hope.

"Dad?" We turned our heads to see Josie standing there. "Cleanup on aisle 'L'."

Alaric sighed. "Want some help?" Faith offered.

"No, I think I got it." He told her walking away.

FAITH AND HOPE WALKED BACK TO their dormitories and laid down getting ready for bed since it was late. Hope kept shifting in her bed gaining her sister's attention.

"That's getting annoying now." Faith muttered turning in bed to look at her sister getting fed up with all the movement.

"Sorry. It's just... should I go see him?" Hope asked her sister who just chuckled and replied,

"Go see him, Hope." Faith told her sister who muttered a quick 'yeah, ok' before getting up to leave.

"Hey, since I'm leaving, you wanna go with me," Hope asked because she knows how hard it is for herself and her sister to fall asleep.

"No thanks. I'll just stay here." Faith replied turning back around to get comfy, not wanting to be a third wheel in her sister's relationship.

"Okay."

HOPE WAS IN THE LIBRARY WITH Landon showing him some books. She had left to grab a book and come back. "The blood that runs through Faith and I's veins isn't human. Our dad was one of the earth's Original Vampires." Hope sat the book down on the table in front of Landon.

"Was?" Landon repeated.

"Was," Hope confirmed. "Turns out even immortal beings can find a way to die eventually."

" 'Klaus Mikaelson: The Great Evil'." Landon read.

"He wasn't very popular around here."

"One of my foster dads used to burn us with his cigarettes. I guess evil is relative." Landon confessed and Hope looked at him sadly.

Hope tried to change the subject, "Our mother was a werewolf alpha."

"There's that 'was' again," Landon observed.

"The people that I care about have a tendency to die on me," Hope told him solemnly.

"What about Faith? You still have her." Landon asked.

"Yeah. I do. And she's amazing, and I love her. But we're around each other most of the time, and what would happen if she decided to leave me like everyone else? Surely, she'll find someone else to stand by and give up on me... or she could leave the same way our parents did." Hope cleared her throat and sighed trying to momentarily get rid of the sadness. "I try not to get close to people anymore, my twin sister is an exception."

"Yeah, I can see that."

"Um, our grandmother was a witch. So, all those things passed down, making us—"

"Unicorns?" Landon joked.

"A hybrid of three different creatures, tri-brid. I can control when I turn, which is what I was doing tonight." Hope explained. "We're the only ones of our kind."

"Yeah. See? Unicorns." Landon repeated making Hope laugh.

"Can I show you something?" Hope asked. "Earlier, you mentioned the jock that had messed with you the day that we danced," Hope mentioned walking close to Landon putting her hands by his neck, and showing him a memory.

Connor dumps his drink on the table in front of Landon and throws the lid at him. He then laughs and sarcastically says, "I'm so sorry." He and his friends then get in the car and drive off

"That's the guy," Landon said. "You can just dial up one of my memories like that?"

"It's not you're memory. It's mine." Hope told him.

Connor was with some of his friends while he was washing his car. Hope and Faith then raised their hands and started chanting. The car freezes over and all the windows break. Everybody starts gasping. "My car! Oh my god!" Connor starts freaking out. Hope and Faith start smirking and then fist bump.

"You both did that for me?" Landon asked.

"He had it coming," Hope replied softly as they stared at each other intently. Hope then broke the silence and cleared her throat, "Plus, Faith said she also did it for herself because Connor winked at her."

"Oh, yeah. Understandable."

"Um, we shouldn't be in here after curfew," Hope said removing her hands from Landon's neck. "We should get you back before anyone knows that you're gone."

THE NEXT DAY FAITH AND HOPE watched as Landon said his goodbye to Rafael before leaving the school. He hugged Rafael goodbye before walking off. Faith turned to her sister, "You gonna miss him?" She asked with a grin already knowing the answer.

"Yeah. And he um... he kissed me." Hope muttered with a big grin on her face.

"Wha— and you're just now telling me this!" Faith exclaimed.

"Faith you were sleeping and I didn't want to wake you, because then you'd keep me up all night and ask me about it." Hope explained certainly.

"Pffftt... I wouldn't do that." Faith denied swatting her hand at her sister's accusation. Hope gave her sister a look to which she caved, "Alright! Well, was he at least a good kisser?!"

"HOW DO YOU KNOW IT WAS HIM?" Hope asked Alaric. Hope, Faith, and Alaric went to talk somewhere private because apparently, Landon stole an ancient knife.

"Ancient artifact goes missing along with too-good-to-be-true hapless human? You do the math, Hope." Alaric argues.

"That would make him a liar, okay? I've known my fair share of those, and there was nothing about him... "

"Yeah. Landon's a good guy." Faith said agreeing with Hope.

"Hope, Faith... " Alaric muttered.

"No, you don't understand. There's no way that the one time that I choose to get close to someone, they turn out to be a liar. It's not possible, okay? I'm not that stupid." Hope said.

"When he walked out that door, we compelled him to go home," Alaric told them.

"So?" Faith inquired.

"So he didn't. It's the first place we checked. And if he didn't go home, that means his memory wasn't erased. He was just pretending that it was. If his mind can't be controlled by a supernatural being, then that only means one thing." Alaric explained. "That he is a supernatural being."

ALARIC DECIDE TO HAVE AN ASSEMBLY and let the students there in on what's happening with Landon. "For ten years we've gone undetected. Protecting you, and protecting our secret has been our singular mission. Tonight I need your help to find Landon Kirby... before he exposes us all." Students then start whispering amongst themselves.

Faith and Josie were walking to Josie's dormitory to study and hang out. They then heard M.G. call them, "Jo! Faith!"

"We're not talking to you," Faith said not bothering to turn around to look at him or stop walking. Josie told Faith about what M.G. did with Penelope and she was shocked and even slightly angry with him. Josie just nodded in agreement.

"Hold on. I'm sorry." He said causing Josie and Faith to stop walking and turn around to look at him. "Alright? I'm an ass. You-know-who, she puts those sex herbs in her weed, and I had a... a momentary lapse of judgment."

"Why does everyone find her so special?" Josie asked.

"She's not special," M.G. said. "She's just... available,"

"Come here," M.G. said going in to hug Josie. He muttered into the hug, "Don't hate me, okay?" He then turned to Faith opening his arms again, "Can I give you one?" He asked.

"Fine," Faith said as she went to hug him.

Faith pulled away from the hug. "Bye, M.G."

M.G. bid both of the girls goodbye then took his leave. Faith turned to Josie who was staring at her ex. She was going to tell her to stop staring but then saw as she muttered something under her breath. Suddenly Penelope's jacket caught on fire. She tried to put it out to no avail so her friends helped her.

"Josiette Saltzman." Faith scolded in disbelief.

"What?"

"I should have been the one to do that," Faith said as she slightly pouted. They started to walk away again neither aware of the other tri-brid watching them.

"I NEED YOUR HELP," Hope said as she walked into the doorway of Josie's dorm. Faith looked up from her book hearing her sister's voice.

"Three more words to me than your annual average," Josie stated not looking up from the book she was getting. "Find someone else. We're studying." She said sitting on her bed next to Faith book in hand. Hope then fully entered the room and closed the door behind her.

"This stuff with Landon is my fault." Hope stated. "I can fix it. I know how to track him, but it involves using dark magic."

"No. We're not doing that, Hope." Faith told her.

"Yeah, and we're not allowed to use dark magic here anyway, so..." Josie agreed.

"Says the girl who just lit her ex on fire," Hope said.

Josie gave Hope a look. "Are you blackmailing me?"

"Hope!" Faith exclaimed. "Seriously?"

"No. No, I'm just looking for a kindred spirit in revenge." Hope said trying to act innocent.

"Sounds like blackmail to me." Faith said glaring at her sister.

"Right," Josie said. They all grabbed the ingredients they needed for the spell. Josie lit a match and lit the candles with it. Hope grabbed a rat out of a box, which made Faith grimace at the sight of it.

"Sorry," Hope said before killing it by breaking its neck. Faith then poured some herbs over the spell pages as Hope held the blade to the rat. She then sliced the rat open and dripped its blood over the pages.

"Are you sure about this?" Josie asked looking uneasy.

"Absolutely," Hope replied.

"I'm not," Faith said with a sarcastic smile, but the look Hope gave her made her quickly shut up. They then joined hands and started chanting.

"Inveniet hostium et tenebrae. Inveniet hostium et tenebrae. Inveniet hostium et tenebrae." They could feel the wind blowing from the spell.

"Do you see anything?" Josie asked Hope and Faith.

"Just flashes," Hope replied. "Come on, give me something."

"I got it. Route 29." Faith said.

"Near the state line." Hope confirmed.

"Is that the knife?" Josie asked in question.

"Yeah." Hope and Faith told her at the same time.

"What's it doing?" Josie inquired.

"I don't know."

"I have no idea."

FAITH, HOPE, ALARIC, AND MATT Donovan were all talking about the crime scene that happened on Route 29.

"Called in a favor with a buddy at State Patrol, asked him to lock down the scene

till we got here," Matt explained. "Local PD thinks it was a chemical spill."

"What's the actual story?" Alaric asked.

"I'll leave that to you to figure out," Matt said shrugging.

"Alright. Thanks, Sheriff."

They walked on the bus and saw all the people on it were burnt corpses.

Link for story on Wattpad-

[graciegoeskrazy]

love it if we made it

Pairings: Matt Murdock x Queer!Teen!Daughter!reader, Karen Page x Queer!Teen!reader

Warnings/Content: so much fucking angst, queer teen - sexuality is not specified although reader is dating someone who uses she/her pronouns - mentions of coming out, catholicism, being catholic and queer, yelling, cursing, crying, mentions of self harm, protective matt murdock, matt is a shitty dad for a bit, mentions of absent mother, queen karen, LET ME KNOW IF I MISSED ANY PLEASE

A/N: Although it’s shorter than what I was envisioning and definitely not perfect, this might be my favorite thing I've written lately. This thing is ANGSTY AS HELL but i've been told that's my specialty. Little storytime - I went to an all catholic school for 10 years of my life but stopped going to church and stuff soon after I left that school. That was about 4 years ago and I have changed immensely since then. Recently, I’ve been trying to reconnect with my faith and what not but whatever church I go to they can’t seem to grasp that the girl they once knew is bisexual and has different ideas then they do. All I want is to have a better connection with my faith but wherever I go it feels impossible. This idea popped into my head recently with everything that happened and I need more dad mm in my life so - two birds one stone lmao. I don’t mean to push catholicism on anybody or make fun of catholics in any way btw. Trust me the last thing I want is anyone telling anyone that what they believe and are doing is wrong. This is just where I'm coming from and how this fic came to be. Love you all lots, no matter who or what you believe in or who or what you love. Xoxo gossip girl

Matt’s phone rang a 2nd time but he quickly silenced it again. “Do you need to take a call Mr. Murdock? We don’t mind.” A man at the table said, a slight edge in his voice. Before Matt could answer, the phone rang again.

…Y/n…

…Y/n…

…Y/n…

“Uh- I’m so sorry. It’s my daughter. Just give me a minute.” The rest of the men gave unamused looks as he excused himself. (Not that Matt could see it or anything)

“Hello?”

“Dad, It’s me. I need you to come to school.”

“Why? What happened?” Annoyance more than worry showed in his tone, making you cringe even more. You sighed before continuing. “I got into a fight at school.” Your father couldn't believe what he was hearing. “What? Y/n Murdock! What the hell were you thinking?” Although any parent might react that way, you didn't expect that reaction from your father.

“They were making fun of me, dad! They made comments about Jane and I. They just wouldn't shut up about the fact I’m gay, even after I politely told them to stop several times, they wouldn't. She and I had enough. It’s not exactly ideal being one of the only queer kids in an all catholic school.”

“That is absolutely unacceptable behavior, y/n.”

“Say’s the guy who runs around punching people in a devil costume!”

“That is completely different.”

“No it isn’t!” Your voice raised quite a bit, having enough of your fathers words. You tried to take a few breaths to try and calm yourself. “Whatever. Look, I need you to come and pick me up. I’m right outside the principal's office, they want to talk to you.”

He let out a large sigh, making you anxious. “Okay, I'll be there in 15.” He hung up not saying an ‘I love you’, or even a ‘goodbye’. Not that you thought he meant it when he did say it, but still, it meant you were in for trouble.

You sat outside the principal's office by the front desk, legs crossed, toes tapping, slumped in a chair, waiting for your fathers arrival. Your eyes caught sight of the man with red glasses strutting towards the door with a cane in hand. You sat up and opened the door to guide him in. “I’m sorry.” You said. He didn’t reply, only kept walking. You followed behind. “Dad, I said I’m sorry.”

“I know you did, y/n. Stop talking.”

Okay jeez. This was gonna be tough.

…

You sat quiet during the entire meeting. You knew what was coming and thought it wasn't worth putting up a fight. It was no secret that you did something wrong, you were very conscious of that, but come on, you weren't the only one that deserves a punishment. Those catholic bitches would not stop taunting you. It wasn’t only today. The bullying had started years ago with usual pointless remarks to anyone and everyone, but when word spread about your sexuallity, that's when all hell broke loose. All eyes were on you. Teachers, students, and faculty had heard about you being gay. Those who were supportive looked at you with awe and inspiration. Most however, looked at you with disgust, including the girls who got you in the spot you were in today. Most quickly forgot about it and moved on with their lives. Some teachers made a point to bring your father in to suggest ‘help’ for you, but he quickly said he would sue the school and report every individual teacher who made another comment about you to the school board and superintendent. Yeah, he was catholic, but your happiness was (usually) first priority for him. Although, it didn't feel like it today.

The verdict was a week of suspension followed by 3 days of detention. Your dad and yourself made your way out of the building and on the way home. The commute to your apartment was only about a 5 minute walk. You stayed quiet most of the time. Until he spoke up as you entered the building and made your way into your apartment. “You're not gonna give your side of the story.”

“I tried to at school and you told me to shut up.”

“You sure it's not because your side of the story isn't worth it? You sure stayed pretty quiet during that meeting.”

“Because I know you would tell me to stop fighting it anyway. Look I know I was in the wrong, but I wasn't the only one. And talk about me being quiet? You barely said anything to defend me! You just sat there and nodded. And don’t tell me you were speechless or something, you're a lawyer for christ’s sake.”

“Yeah, I was speechless. I didn't expect it. It’s embarrassing, y/n.``

“Of course it’s embarrassing. Everything I do is a disappointment to you.” You said, putting up your shoes and jacket by the front door, quickly trying to head upstairs to your bedroom.

“Hey- I never said that.”

“No, but you think so. Me being queer, me being into arts, me being into all the things you hate. You're the successful, up and coming lawyer who all the ladies thirst over, while I'm just an inconvenience. And don’t say otherwise, I don't have to be able to listen to heartbeats to know when you're lying.”

“Come on, that is far from the truth, y/n. It’s not you, it’s your actions.”

You quickly turned back to face him. “Now that is the most bullshit excuse I've ever heard.”

“Language, young lady!”

“Oh fuck language, and fuck you!”

“Enough! I will not let you disrespect me like that! Whatever you're going through, do not pin it on me.”

“Of course, how could I? Because it’s never your fault, it's always mine. I’m the problem. I’m the fuck up, the stupid mistake you made and have to repent for.”

“Don’t say that, y/n. You know that’s not true.”

“Of course it’s true! Don’t say it’s not. That's why it’s embarrassing for you. Because I ruined your meeting with a bunch of classy, a-list, New York assholes because you had to pick up your daughter who is nothing but an inconvenience for you and a constant reminder of the worst mistake you ever made.”

“Y/n, stop-”

“Stop what? Saying the truth? I bet you wish I wasn’t here sometimes. I bet you wish that car wouldn't have hit her. Then maybe I wouldn't be such an inconvenience to you.”

“Yeah, Maybe.”

Your breath hitched. You always knew the truth. You always knew how you ended up here, but never in a million years did you actually think he would admit it. 15 goddamn years on this earth and never once did you actually think your father would take back a single moment. You didn’t cry or become angry, instead the feeling that rushed over you was some sort of loss. At a loss for words or a loss of movement or the loss of knowing what to do. All you wanted to do was give up, fall limp on the floor and lay there for however long you needed to. Long enough for all of this to wash over. Some would call it giving up. To you, it was the only solution you had left. Too long you’ve spent trying to patch up the holes between you and your dad, all for the sake of this shitty family. You’ve had enough. Enough of the fighting, enough of the lonely nights staying up hoping and praying that your father would come home without a bullet in his head, enough of being tired. Tired. That’s what you were feeling. You had felt it for too long and were sick of it.

Your voice cracked as you continued to speak. “I don’t know what to do, Dad. Those people hate me because I simply exist, and apparently you do too, and I don’t know how to make it better other than changing myself completely or ending my life because apparently you and several others would be just fine if I wasn't here.” A single tear made its way out and down your cheek. Your father stood in front of you like a deer in headlights, he had stayed that way since those last words left his mouth, realizing how bad he had messed up. You didn't know what to say anymore. Hopelessness showed its face once again. You rushed upstairs and into your room, not wanting to stand in front of your father any longer.

…

Later that night, your phone rang. It was Karen calling to do your daily check in on you. You answered.

“Hey sweets! How was school today?” You just groaned in response. Karen’s curiosity grew. “I heard your dad had to leave the meeting early to pick you up, you doin’ alright?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m okay.”

“You sure. You sound…different.”

You sighed. There was no harm in telling her. Karen was family and whether she liked it or not, she was stuck with you forever. You trusted her with everything. Might as well tell her…

“I got into a fight today?”

“What? Are you okay?”

That was the kind of reaction you expected from your father, more worry than angry. Of course Karen reacted this way. Maybe she was the parental figure you always needed…

“Yeah. I'm fine. It’s just some stupid kids making fun of me and I had enough.”

Karen could tell something else was off. She paused for a second, then continued. “What else?”

“What do you mean?”

“Come on kid, I know when something is bothering you, I’m practically your mother.”

A smile came across your face.

“Ok so, my dad got really upset at me, and I basically told him that he probably regrets having me, and how I know I'm such a disappointment to him, and he agreed and it really blew up.”

“That mother fucker.”

That made you laugh. It was good to know she would be on your side through all this.

“Do you want to come to my house for the night? I’ll pick you up and we can have a girls night and stuff and you can tell me more.”

“No, I'll be fine here. I’d rather just cry in peace in the darkness of my room, to be honest.”

She sighed, “Jeez girl. You better call me if you need a single thing.”

“I will. Don’t worry.”

…

You heard your father come up the stairs and quickly shut off your phone and rolled over on your side facing towards the wall, away from your father.

“I know you're awake, n/n.”

Your eyes shot open. How do I keep forgetting he has super hearing?

“Worth a shot.” You kept your direction towards the wall.

Matt took a beat before starting. “Karen called me. She said if I ever hurt you again she would go daredevil on my ass.” He took a seat next to your bed, not wanting to get too close just yet, but still wanting to let you know he was there. “I’m sorry. Really, really, truly sorry.”

“It’s alright, dad-”

“No. No, it’s not. I messed up…really badly.” He moved some of your hair behind your ear in an attempt to comfort you. “I never meant to hurt you. I never want you to question my love for you ever again. I love you so so so much, baby girl. More than anything or anyone.”

A tear escaped down your right eye. You flipped over and faced him. “I love you. No matter who you are or who or what you love, and I didn't do a good job of showing you that, and I'm sorry.” He sucked in a large breath before he continued. “You are the farthest thing from a mistake. Yes, you were unexpected, but I would never, ever take back a single moment of being your father. You are the only girl I ever needed, and I love you so very much.”

You opened your arms and scooted back to make room for your dad to snuggle next to you on your bed. He brought you close to him, letting you lay your head on his chest. You mumbled “I love you too.” as he brushed through your hair with his fingers, in an attempt at some sort of calming peace offering.

This would be fine. This would be okay. You both would be okay.

[dominickeating-source]

Cult Times - Issue 77 (2001)

Reeding Between the Lines 

Enterprise star Dominic Keating unzips his flight suit and slips into something more comfortable to chat about his role as Lieutenant Malcolm Reed in Star Trek's new, exciting fifth series!

The year is 2151 some while before James T. boldly went where no man had and a few bright, inquisitive souls are paving the way for he illustrious Captain Kirk aboard their very own Enterprise. British-to-the-core actor Dominic Keating is one of the intrepid crew members striking off for stars unknown in Paramount's latest addition to the Star Trek universe.

"When I first read the breakdown for the part of Lieutenant Malcolm Reed, I thought I wouldn't be in with much of a chance," he begins. "Malcolm was written as a very buttoned down, by-the-book, tight-arsed Englishman and personally I'm not like that at all." Certainly when we speak, Keating couldn't appear further from the quintessential stiff-upper-lipped fusspot he portrays. It's American Thanksgiving and he is bursting full of the joys of the season. As well as shouting advice to his girlfriend on the best way to baste a turkey, laughing uproariously when she yells back what he can do with his instructions, at the same time he's bawling out an apology to a friend who turns up unexpectedly to invite him to trek to the infamous Hollywood sign for a bit of fresh air. "I can't, love! I have to do the veggies and talk to this nice woman from the UK. They want to hear about the show. It's very exciting."

Clearly delighted that the series is generating as much interest in his homeland as it has in his adopted land, Keating reins in his excitement enough to explain, "Given that it's an American television show, the producers had quite a strong picture of a certain type of Englishman in mind, which is why I first thought that perhaps it wasn't really my bag. I do come from 'that sort' of background and had the classic kind of public schooling but I've never wanted to be seen in that stereotypical sort of way. I was pleasantly surprised when the word came back after the first audition that I was the only guy in the frame for the role. I think they felt that because Enterprise is set in the next century they probably wanted someone a bit looser that the stereotype but with enough of that public school image still evident. I've been in the States for years but I guess that persona has stayed with me." He laughs. "It's like being Catholic. You never lose it. However, almost everything else is a real acting challenge for me."

Sarcastically, he adds, "Take this shyness with women for instance. When I read that in the breakdown, I went, Aw, s**t. I'll walk through this one then. Even my girlfriend would agree that I am at my most relaxed around the female contingent in this galaxy. Then there's the munitions thing. Malcolm is supposed to be obsessed with weaponry, but that's not me at all. Truth be known, when I was 17-amd-a-half I was considering joining the Army. My mother's side of the family is army and my grandfather fought in two World Wars; would have been knighted but he didn't get on with King George and got the OBE for his services instead. I was even an under-officer in the cadet force at school and was part of a special force called 'Tactics', so I know quite a lot about the military background from which Malcolm stems. But now, in later life, I've never fired anything other than the weapons I use in Enterprise." Bursting into laughter again, he splutters, "I get asked all these questions about guns and other weapons at conventions and all I can do is look at the fans and shrug. "Look! They're grey! What can I tell you? I have absolutely no idea."

Pretending to hang his head in shame, Keating does admit that he shares some of Lt. Reed's character traits. "I am a bit of a neat freak! Always have been. No amount of therapy seems to be able to correct the balance that is so very in keeping." Reverting to hushed tones, he whispers, "I don't like to use the words anally retentive but some ex-girlfriends might," before yelling out, "Don't print that or I'll kill you." Oops.

Keating also feels that his BA (Hons) Degree in History "came in handy because I knew how to effectively undertake the research for the character. One thing that I am always grateful for," he confides, "is my good education. I really have to thank my mother and father for giving me that. They really sacrificed a lot to make sure that I got properly schooled and I'm always indebted. As an actor, the one thing you can't learn at drama school is the years of training to make your mind work in an academic way."

Changing topics for a moment, the mercurial Mr. Keating expounds, "London was fantastic during my university years. I adored my three years as a student. I was on full maintenance grant because my father had passed away and it gave me the freedom to know the city. I ended up living in London after uni and eventually became an actor there. I still have an apartment in the Portobello Road."

Keen to go wherever the work takes him, Keating has lived all over the place, loving every minute of the nomadic life. "I spent quite some time in Vancouver and have a great relationship with that place. I went up there originally to do Poltergeist: The Legacy and liked the place so much I lived there for a little bit. The funny thing about Vancouver is that you've got to live in Los Angeles to get cast in shows in Vancouver. It's a weird conundrum. When you go for a job they'll be like, 'Oh, you're a local actor? no, we're not interested'. Then they cast in LA. So I went back there and was immediately sent back up to Canada to do The Immortal."

Just a wee bit sad to be leaving the role of malevolent madman Mallos, Keating smiles. "We shot off to Prague to film two episodes of The Immortal and it was crazy. I had my own castle, got to wear all the medieval gear and got to throw peasants to wild boar. Real ones." Wickedly insisting that no mammals were harmed during the making of the episodes, Keating goes on to say, "Actually I had a wonderful end of last year. I went to Eastern Europe with The Immortal and spent some time in Spain making 13 episodes of a show called Chromium Blue.com." In keeping with the actor's irreverent approach to life, Keating exclaims, "It's Zalman King's new gig and I play a bisexual ghost. I have no idea what the show is going to look like but it has real elements of Zalman erotica thrown in with some of the zaniest, most bizarre comedy sketches you've ever seen. Ian Abercrombie (Seinfeld) and I were cast together as Sir George, the gay butler and his dead ex-lover, the bisexual ghost. It was hilarious. We camped up a storm." Waving his wrist about, Keating lisps, "By the time I got back to LA it was pilot season again and I thought, 'Oh God! I've got to put my little black dress on and trawl around the networks.' Thankfully, along came Enterprise and put paid to all that."

Manfully accepting remarks that he might not get offered fey parts if he dressed in something other than a little black dress, the actor reels off yet another example of his effeminate experiences. "I did a play up in Edinburgh with a fantastic actor named Tim Spall. It was a comedy called Screamers and I played this apprentice who got a job at the Cut and Cum Again salon. Tim played the chief charge hand who was this deeply unattractive character with the responsibility for taking me in hand, so to speak. We had a whale of a time."

Unperturbed by the fact that he has played a few such characters, Keating is highly amused by reports that Malcolm Reed might be the first gay in Space: "I read that in the TV Guide." With superb comic timing, he chortles. "I was in the supermarket and there we all were in the front cover, so I picked it up to read and inside it said something like 'Dominic Keating, turn to page 56, who reportedly is going to be the first gay character in Star Trek.' I thought, What? I rang Brannon Braga (executive producer), who told me not to believe everything I read in print.

Very sound advice indeed! Now, about this Enterprise show. Can we believe all we read about it being the greatest thing since sliced bread? "Absolutely!" announces the actor. "You just know when something is going to work. Right from the read-through, there was a simpatico and an understanding and a generosity that has not always been apparent in some jobs I've had in the past. Scott Bakula is such a trouper. He sets the tone and makes us all feel valued and very happy. I shouldn't say this but I also have a sneaking suspicion the Rick Berman and Brannon Braga, the two executive producers, are actually extremely well-paid full-on Trekkies. They have to be. They put so much dedication and enthusiasm into this show. They don't have to do it for the money so I truly believe they love the genre and the show they make, which is why Enterprise makes such good television. I've been watching the show religiously since it started because I need to get educated. John Gielgud used to say, 'Know the style of the thing that you're in and act accordingly'. It's very important to me."

As far as the episodes are concerned, Keating has a couple of favourites. "Given the initial brief, I never thought for a moment that Malcolm would turn into an action hero, but it seems to be looking that way and I love it, although we've just finished an episode entitled The Raptor which was great, except I got the you-know-what kicked out of me by a Klingon woman."

The episode that's really dear to his heart is a 'two-hander' currently called Shuttlepod One. "I get the feeling that this is going to be the one I look back on years from now with pride and amazement. It's basically 50 pages of Connor Trinneer and me in a shuttlepod with 10 hours of air left to breathe. The script is extraordinary and it will be the first time in my acting career, in front of a camera that is, where I get to do some no-holds-barred, playing from the hip, straight talking, intense acting."

Shuttlepod One comes midway through Enterprise's first season, so we'll certainly have a while to wait as the show only started airing on Sky 1 in January. In the meantime, our beloved Mr. Keating was planning to make a triumphant return to the UK in late December. "We're coming on a press junket and I have to admit I makes my tummy go funny to think about it. One of the reasons I came to America was because I always dreamt of coming back home as part of a hugely successful television show. Returning in Enterprise is like my dream come true."

Source: www.dominickeating.com

[foiazoli]

Hello Silm fans, I’m reading your book for the first time

Hi! So, I’m reading the Silmarillion for the first time and thought I’d post my thoughts as I went as I’ve heard that some silm fans enjoy hearing people’s first thoughts on the silm and also just as a way to keep track of my own thoughts on the thing. Before I launch right into it, I thought I’d explain some background on how I got here, to explain how I know a good many random things contained in this book I’ve never actually read before.  

First, I got into Tolkein as a kid when my dad read me the Hobbit and the entire LOTR trilogy as bedtime stories! It took from when I was about 8-10 and while the Balrog actually gave me a nightmare or two I thought it was a really cool series and tiny me was set off into the wide world of fantasy books and I’ve never given it up. I saw the Peter Jackson movie trilogy at some point and enjoyed them, several animated versions of the Hobbit that I enjoyed, and finally that trilogy of Hobbit movies which were overall meh with all the added extra stuff, but good otherwise. I hadn’t touched Tolkein specifically other than this, even though I knew the Silmarillion existed because I had been told it was “dense, uninteresting, confusing, disjointed, and not worth it overall.” So why am I reading it now? 

Several of you are gonna lose your minds at this, but I watched the Rings of Power show with my dad and kinda liked it. I went, “y’know this stuff is all really interesting but all the fans online are saying it got butchered. I wanna know what they mean.” and through the mystical ways of fandom delving I found out what exactly got butchered by that show (Celebrimbor’s entire storyline, anyone?) and here I am now several months and millions of words of fanfiction read later, actually reading the Silmarillion.

Now, this is not my first time reading a book written by someone from a significantly older time than myself (I read a lot of my dad’s favorite books from high school) so I am somewhat accustomed to sifting through cultural biases that have shifted over time and looking through both the frame of the time and my own cultural reference frame to analyze books and their themes and meanings. As such, I’m gonna list out some of my own biases that I think may be relevant here to help anyone who’s reading this figure out where I’m coming from.

Raised female, but no longer ID with that

Atheist raised by atheist parents, I really don’t jive with religion, especially organized religions and struggle to understand how anyone does, although I always do my best to be respectful of other people’s beliefs when interacting with them. I do have a soft spot for Jewish people though, on account of all of the bullshit that’s happened that they didn’t deserve (nobody deserves the level of death in their history to be clear) and also all of the memes I’ve seen that are like “3 Rabbis 5 opinions” which is incredibly funny and also exactly the kind of energy I intend to bring to the table here.

American, which isn’t totally relevant except that I live in the south, so christianity is pervasive enough here that I somehow ended up culturally christian without my parents or I noticing. I mean culturally christian in that I do things like celebrate christmas and have catholic guilt syndrome, but when I was like 7 I asked my mom why people sang about Jesus on the radio so much every December.

I’m white

I’m in college and everyone in my family has gone to college for three full generations so I have a skewed idea of how well educated everyone around me is, as in I used to expect everyone to know how the government works by age 12 (my parents started discussing politics at the dinner table when I was like 8 and I thought everyone did that) until I started working with kids and several six year olds have assumed batshit things like, that the marker of adulthood was being married and having children, not like, turning 18, and I had to yank my worldview around and am still in the process of figuring out how much other people know about things.

I might be autistic? Many of my autistic friends are like “that thing you do? That's autism. No neurotypical does that.” But my older sister is autistic and much of my childhood was shaped by being “the normal one.” so. Lots to unpack here.

My friend group has a token straight guy and it’s not me

I walk a very thin line between “I have to fit in with everyone and be normal and do things like them and never stand out ever” and “WHY does everyone do this thing the dumbest way possible FUCK that I will be doing this completely differently and you all may watch if it so pleases you” (but the second one is usually about like, wearing mens pants instead of womens because they have functioning pockets). This means my views on individuality culture vs communal culture are disjointed and contradictory af.

Not sure if it’ll come across in my posts here since most of the writing I’ve done in my life has been academic but I have a fuckin potty mouth. A friend analyzed my discord messages once and I averaged one fuck per five point something messages, other swears not included. Fuck is an excellent word and sometimes swears are just what you need to get the point across y’know?

In my fanfiction delving to get a basic understanding of the silm, I started with Elrond (as one does), and got interested in kidnap fam and stayed there for a good long while, so now I have many Feanorian murder babies who I will be seeking any and all information on during this read-through. Primary blorbo here is Maedhros, but all of them come along for the ride. 

When I say I’ve read millions of words of fanfiction I’m not kidding. A good part of what I’m intending to do with this read-through is separate fanon from canon, as I think there's enough fanon that all agrees with itself you could write several reference books containing it. And then do it again with alternative sets of fanon. This fandom is old and y’all have been busy.

I think that’s all, but I may come back to this later if something keeps popping up! I’ll be tagging all my posts about this with #baby’s first silm read if anyone wants to see what I’m up to!

Also, I am yelling into the void from a 10ish year-old blog that I’ve basically never done anything with so my post history will be undergoing renovations at some point so I can tag and actually find later all those useful references I found in the past couple weeks before they get buried. If you (the void) would like to yell back I would love that! Your thoughts on my thoughts, If you think I’ve misinterpreted something, you want to talk about blorbos together, anything!

[tonnerredebrest]

I NEED MORE MENTALLY STRUGGLING CARLOS POV tnx :)

You absolute menace. Ngl, I wrote this because The Author Went Through Some Harsh Stuff And Needs To Sort Things Out TM. 

HUGE THANKS TO @mish-tique FOR BETA READING! SHE’S AN ABSOLUTE PEARL IN THE CARLANDO MILIEU!

Again, this is NOT reality. Don’t share it outside fandom spaces. Don’t share it with the people involved.

tw: Internalized Homophobia

*****

Carlos can’t say his upbringing had been out of the ordinary. Yes, he had a World Rally Championship-winning dad, he got accustomed to fame pretty quick, and he learned English pretty early on, but that doesn’t mean his education changed. He still went to school, catholic school, and Sunday school, following what millions of Spanish pupils followed, and still follow. He still passed high school and set off in the world. Pretty normal for the majority of the kids born in rich countries. 

Yet, when he first sees Lando, he knows something is wrong with him. As a man, you don’t simply see another man and think “I wanna kiss him, cuddle him, fuck him, and call him love for the rest of my life”, no. You are supposed to have those thoughts towards women and women only. You cannot have them for a pretty British boy, with a smile who brightens your world and warms your heart. 

Before you go on about how he is simply ignorant, Carlos isn’t. He isn’t ignorant. He knows gay people exist, he’s not a boomer, thank you very much. He also knows bisexual people exist, he’s a millennial for Christ’s sake! Yet, while those concepts do wander in his brain, he cannot seem to be able to make them apply to himself. He’s not gay, bi, or something else. Other people are, not him! Carlos is a perfectly straight man, who dates pretty and hot girlfriends, and makes sweetly love to them, absolutely not thinking about a man while doing it. 

No. He loves women too much to be gay. He had too few times those disturbing thoughts towards men to be bi. He is simply normal, a boring heterosexual male. 

But then, why does he get so anxious and pissed off when someone doubts his sexuality? Why is he mad when someone asks him what genders he likes. Why can’t he bring himself to watch a cute gay love story his very own girlfriend recommended? Carlos doesn’t want to think about that, too dangerous territory. 

“Sometimes I don’t understand you,” Isa says, as he declines for the umpteenth time watching Love, Simon. “You act so touchily freely with Lando, giving him heart eyes, but you won’t watch this?”

Carlos doesn’t say a word, keeping looking down. He has nothing to say, mainly because he doesn’t know what to say. It’s not like someone could ever understand what’s going on in his head. It’s not like someone could understand why parts of himself are fighting each other to death. It’s not like his story is normal, he IS normal!

Isa mumbled something he doesn’t quite catch, and Carlos chooses not to reply. Why would he? He leaves her sulking in the living room, as he goes somewhere else, somewhere people won’t go about and ask difficult questions. 

Yet, it seems he can't escape them forever.

It's summer break, and he invited Lando on a weekend echapée at the beach. He doesn't know why he did it, he just feels this deep yearning for Lando every time they are apart for too long. Carlos puts it on the account of the deep friendship they have. It's one of the most intense, pure, and sweet he's ever been in. 

And he is sure it's only friendship feelings between them, even tho he carefully chooses to not think about how his heart skips a beat every time Lando smiles at him, or how the Brit is the last thing he thinks about before sleeping, and the first when he wakes up. 

They are lounging on the beach, lazily tanning under the hot Spanish sun. Lando seems to be reading, and Carlos is sleeping. He dreams of nothing, just letting himself be carried to another realm by the soothing sounds of the ocean, the gentle breeze in the air- wait, was that water?

Carlos feels a sudden coldness on his back, which brings him back to reality. He opens his eyes, to see Lando laughing his ass off, a little empty plastic bucket in his hands. 

“Oh, you motherfucker,” Carlos groans, getting up on his feet. “You are dead cabròn!”

And he launches himself at Lando. The latter, too busy laughing, doesn't have the time to dodge him and finishes on Carlos’s shoulder as if he were a sack of potatoes. 

“Carlos! Let me off!” He screams, to no avail. 

“Oh no, cabròn. To the sea with you!”

And without any ceremony, Carlos dumps Lando in the salt water. The Brit yelps, before getting back up. He devilishly smiles and tackles the Spaniard into the water. 

They are now both wet, and mock fighting in the sea. Water gets thrown in every direction, and their laughter echoes on the private beach they rented. 

After a while, the laughter dies down, they don't have the same energy anymore. Carlos and Lando are close, dangerously close. The Brit seems to notice it and chooses to get even closer. It makes Carlos slightly uncomfortable, but he is accustomed to Lando’s weirdness and desire for physical contact. The Brit gets even closer, up until they are in each other personal space. Gently, he puts his arms around the other driver, locking him into a hug. 

“Carlos, I love you,” Lando whispers in his ears.

The Spanish driver freezes. No, that can’t be possible. Lando, cute, sweet, innocent, funny, amazingly beautiful Lando cannot be in love with him, and less of all in love with a man. The Brit is literally everything a woman could ask for, being bite-sized and ready to be showered under a never-ending load of cuteness. He cannot possibly be in love with the Spaniard. 

“Is something wrong?” Lando asks, concerned as Carlos has gone mute. “Should I get home? I mean, I'm so sorry if I made you uncomfortable. It wasn’t my plan, really. I really thought you and I would have been on the same page, but apparently, I was wrong,” the Brit gets off him and puts a couple of meters between themselves.

Carlos cannot begin to describe how much he wants to kiss Lando right there. Yet, he catches himself. No, he can't do that, remember? He is straight, straight as a pine tree. He has a girlfriend too, he can't do that to her!

The following week is the worst week he ever had. He shuts down his phone, not wanting to speak to anyone. He doesn’t even answer postcards his family sent. Carlos contemplated going with them for a while, but only a look at his phone made him remember what happened. 

He is disgusted by himself. 

He dared having thoughts, that kind of thoughts, towards someone else than his girlfriend, towards a man! How can he live in peace with himself knowing there was a part of him who wanted Lando more than anything? 

Carlos doesn’t know what to do anymore. Isa comes to visit, and he had to let her in. Yet, he doesn’t speak to her, just nods and groans. He almost thinks about locking himself up in the guest room, and sleeping all day, to forget and get away from whatever his feelings imply. 

One day, his girlfriend jas enough. She ambushed him while he was cooking something for himself. 

“You don't love me anymore,” Isa says, matter of fact. “There’s no denying it, Carlos.”

Even if the driver had prepared himself for that, it still hurts. 

“No, Isa, that’s false!” He tries to convince her, but how can he do that when he doesn't even believe his own words?

She only smiles at him sadly, taking his hands in her own. 

“You know it’s true, Carlito,” her tone is sweet and sad. “I care for you enough to let you go. I was blind for too long.”

He can see tears pooling in her eyes. He feels some wetness in his too. Slowly, he comes closer and hugs her tight. Isa sights, tears wetting his neck. There’s no point in denying he is crying too. 

They fall asleep on the couch, each other talking about how much they liked the time spent together. Isa always joked about how, as she was the one who asked Carlos out, she’ll be the one dumping him too. He feels it’s incredibly ironic, but also very iconic of her. 

The next day she leaves, going back to their apartment in Madrid. It was her’s in the first place, so Carlos just has to take his things out. A few days later, he feels more like himself. It’s still summer break, so he books a flight and goes there. 

As he lands in the capital city, he decides to open his phone. He leaves it on silence, just enough time for all the calls, messages, texts and other notifications to die off. His lock screen is absurdly cluttered. Carlos guesses he can deal with that later. 

“You look like shit,” Isa greets him, kissing his cheeks. 

Carlos chuckles. He can’t deny it, Lando still plagued his thoughts, restlessly. 

“I gathered them in some bags, but do check over again,” she leads him to the living room.

On the sofa, several grocery bags await him. The Spanish driver goes around the flat, looking for other of his things. He founds none and goes back to the living room. 

“It’s all clear,” he says, getting the stuff in his hands. 

“I’ll ship things if I found anything else,” Isa replies, showing him a compassionate smile. “Oh, and before you got out, just make sure you call this number. It’s a therapist’s, you’ll feel better after it. 

She hands him a business card. Carlos just put it in his pocket, not thinking much about it. 

Carlos did go to the therapist Isa recommended. The person had been very professional, as they had revealed they were actually non-binary. The driver was a little shocked, but he did go passed that, and opened himself to the therapist too. 

He had learned quite a few things and got helped a lot. Session after session, Carlos got more confident about himself and his feelings, up until he was quite comfortable with the idea that he was in love with Lando too. 

He had talked about getting in a gay relationship with his therapist, who encourage him to talk to Lando and mend things between them. Even if they don’t end up together, their separation had put Carlos in a very stressed and sad place. It’s true it had been a few weeks of little to no contact, and only very poor communication on track. 

Carlos is determined to turn that around now. He had invited Lando to his Italian apartment, for a little dinner. Lando said yes, and Carlos is preparing the food for them. He is truly surprised that Lando accepted seeing him, he just hopes the Brit will want him back, as a friend. Carlos doesn’t believe Lando will ever love him again, not after how Carlos behaved himself. 

The Brit arrives at 7 pm, right on time. Carlos is truly delighted to see him, his eyes lighting up as he opened the door. 

“Lando, good evening. Please, come in,” he says, getting out of the way for the guest to enter. 

“Good evening to you too.” 

Things are a little awkward between them, as they went neither for a hug nor handshake. 

“I, uh,” Lando says again, handing him a black bag. “I didn’t really know what we’ll be eating but I brought wine?”

It is red wine, a Bordeaux, perfect for what Carlos planned. It is an expensive one too, the kind which Carlos liked. His smile impossibly grows.

“Thank you, it is perfect.”

Lando slightly blushes, trying to downplay the gift. Carlos then takes his coat, hangs it on the coat rack, and shows him toward the living room. 

“Carlos, you didn’t have to,” if the Brit was pink before, he is now fully red. 

The Spanish driver had redecorated a bit. In the middle of the room stands a little table, perfect for two. On it, a little bouquet is arranged, completed with some candles. The lights are dimmed, definitely set for a cosy mood. 

“Please, sit down,” Carlos says, even going as far as pushing the chair under Lando when he sat. 

They are now facing each other. The Spanish driver opens the bottle, serving both of them a full glass. Lando doesn’t hesitate to drink, even if he doesn’t like alcohol in the first place. Carlos is surprised by that but doesn’t say anything, it wouldn’t be a good conversation. 

On their plates, some Spanish hors d’œuvre is present. The one Lando liked when they did that McLaren video. Carlos sees the Brit is hesitant at first, but the latter ends up remembering the dish and enjoying it. 

“It’s very good, Carlos,” Lando thanks him, almost moaning.

“I’m glad you like it, Landi- Lando.”

The Spanish driver catches himself before he uses a nickname. He isn’t sure if the Brit is comfortable with that after what happened between them. Lando just shoots him a bright smile, and they continue their meal. 

Carlos does have to get up, to search the actual food. It’s some simple pasta, with a sauce in them, but it’s also Lando’s favourite meal. When it is served, the Brit’s smile grows impossibly wider. 

“Is that…” He cannot even finish the question.

“Yes, it is,” Carlos nods, serving himself too. 

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“It’s no worries, Lando, I wanted to.”

And, as if the pasta is magical, they slowly fall back into their old routine. Tentative jokes are exchanged, but after a while, their usual banter comes back, in full force. They don’t see the time pass, and neither their food slowly diminishing, until they realise they’ve been laughing for a while over empty plates.

“Let me bring the desert, Landito.”

This time, Carlos forgot to suppress that nagging feeling of wanting to call Lando anything else than Lando, really. He cringes and looks back at the Brit, hoping he didn’t overstep any boundaries. On his side, Lando just grins, his cheeks a little flushed. Carlos smiles, before going into the kitchen. 

There, he opens the fridge and takes out Lando’s favourite cake. It had been a hassle to find in Italy, but he managed it. On top of it, there’s a big “sorry” written in white frosting. Carlos hopes it’s not too cliché.

“Here it is!” He says, coming back with the decent-sized desert. 

The Spanish driver is careful to put it so that the writing is facing Lando. He looks back at the Brit, who is now facing him, absolutely gobsmacked. 

“Carlos, why?“

“I’m really sorry for you I behaved towards you these pasts week,” he begins, thinking back to the speech he had prepared for such occasion. “It was really unfair to you to not say anything and ignore you. I fully realise I behaved like a massive idiot, and I would understand if you don’t want to be friends anymore.”

Carlos looks down, feeling his cheeks redden. He hates putting his feelings out like that, but I’d he wants to call a Lando “cabrón” again, he’ll do whatever it takes. 

“But… What if I don’t want to be friends?” Lando asks, voice not sounding very confident. 

Carlos looks back at him, visibly hurt. As he sees his expression, Lando is quick to add:

“I mean, more than friends- What if I want to be more than friends?“

The Brit seems uneasy, not daring to look him in the eyes. 

“You want that, with me?” The Spanish driver can’t believe it. “After all how I was to you?”

“It hurt, yes, but I realise it’s because you had stuff to figure out, and I’ve forgiven you about that.”

Lando gets up from the chair, going in front of Carlos, crouching in front of him. He gently takes the other’s hands in his, squeezing them tight. 

“I want a relationship with you, you muppet,” his voice is a little mocking, but also quivering. “I’ve had a crush on you since God knows when. I want you to be even more part of my life, Carlos. I-“

The Brit doesn’t get to finish his speech, as Carlos surges forward, locking their lips together. Lando is so surprised, that he lets out a little sound, before relishing at the contact. Soon enough, the Spanish driver withdraws from the kiss, he needs to talk before going further. 

“I am afraid, cariño,” Carlos confesses while their foreheads are pressed together. “But I’m working on it. I can’t promise it’s perfect, but one day it will.”

*****

[tsarinatorment]

Hi! This is totally random & meant in good faith but i see a lot of people say "Riordan made Nico gay out of nowhere/for diversity attention points only!!1!1" I'm wondering if you have any theories on this- when in the writing process do you think riordan decided to make nico gay and why him? also why will solace be the love interest?

Quite frankly, anon, I don't have a clue when he added that detail to Nico's characterisation. Unfortunately I'm not inside Rick's head, so there's only so much I can guess from the outside anyway, and even from that - when I first read PJO, I was a sheltered good little Christian girl at a Catholic school who didn't even know people could be anything other than straight, and while I took a big gap in keeping up with Riordanverse (I stopped reading after MOA for about a decade), when I did pick it up again, I'd already been spoiled on Nico's sexuality and Solangelo, so I honestly never had a chance to spot where Rick might have started trying to sneak hints in.

That being said, as someone who does work on original stuff as well as fanfiction, and therefore has a whole cast of original characters lurking in the back of my brain, it would not overly surprise me if it just felt right to make Nico gay (heck knows some of my own ocs like to surprise me with little factoids about them I was not intending in the first place). That being said, given the massive push for diverse representation in HOO (regardless of how well or poorly executed parts of it are), especially compared to the far less diverse PJO, I would also not be overly surprised if Rick had thought "I should include a gay character", looked at the interactions he'd already written between Nico and Percy, and went "that works, I don't even need to bring in a new character" (especially given how a lot of Rick's worldbuilding is full of glossed-over holes that he can conveniently fill later without contradicting himself too much; it's certainly not a world-building tactic I could follow - I get way too bogged down in the minute details which is why my original novel has existed for seventeen years but has never got past chapter four - but it's one he's mostly managed to make work for him).

It also works to pulverise/ostracise Nico even more, as though he's not been bullied by the narrative enough already... Rick, bullying Nico is now a very, very dead horse, it's time to let him have his happy ending and not throw him back into Tartarus, just saying...

As for why Will; honestly, I suspect there's at least one of two factors coming into play here. Firstly, Will is an already-existing character of similar age who has no narratively important links to the main cast. (Malcolm could also have fit, except for the fact that he's Annabeth's half-brother and given the whole Nico vs Percabeth thing, a child of Athena was likely out of the question). Rick did not need to pluck a brand new character out of the air, but Will was minor enough that he had a lot of space to expand and explore (which he has still mostly not done, I would add, and the scenes in BOO are painfully obviously setting up the ship - a little too blatant and sudden, if you ask me). Secondly, people love the opposites attract trope, and a son of Apollo is pretty opposite to a son of Hades, especially if the life/sun aspects are emphasised compared to the death/shadows ones.

I don't think he picked Will because Will could be Nico's personal healer, however - for starters, as I keep saying and will continue to keep saying, that's an incredibly unhealthy/toxic relationship dynamic, and throwing your one canon gay character into a toxic relationship... that's a really, really bad move. Also, we clearly see that not being the case in TOA - they have a very good, well-balanced relationship where Nico supports Will at least as much as Will supports Nico (if not moreso), and Nico is going to Dionysus for help, not dumping everything on Will and expecting him to fix it.

[bushdivingbushranger]

What was going to an all girls school like, if you don't mind me asking? :)

OK anon im so sorry this is so long and so convuluted I actually got so carried away jdbKJBGKSDBGH. i'm not even sure i properly answered your question i just got overwhelmed with Love for my same-sex schooling DHGKJSDFBHG anyway, if there's anything more you want to know lmk and I will try to be concise next time 💀

Essentially, my own experience at a single-sex secondary school was fantastic—however, I know my experience isn’t universal, especially since my school was a little bit different to most, I think.

That being said, I still think that sending your daughters to female-only secondary schools is something every parent should strive to do if they can. No other learning environment will ever be as good for girls as a same-sex school.

In terms of school staff, mine was about 95% female, and 5% male. The few male teachers we had were genuinely competent men and decent teachers, they were also watched like hawks. Our principal was female, all leadership positions in the school (such as House Leaders, Year Level Co-Ordinators, Department Heads, even the chaplain) were held by women. Our school psychologists, our nurses, our library technicians, our café ladies, our career advisors, our tutors—all were women. Our school houses (think like Harry Potter houses) were named after important women in our country’s history.

I went to a co-ed primary school. And whilst at twelve you might not have the words to describe it, graduating from a co-ed space, into an all-female space is really a giant weight off of your shoulders. You don’t realise how suffocating co-education is until you’re no longer having to bear it. It feels so much more natural, so much more free! You are welcomed as you are. You can be loud and unashamed of it. We joked frequently with each other and our teachers, laughed loudly and cared not whether our laughs were ‘ugly’. I found that teachers were far more supportive than they were in my co-ed school. For example, in a co-ed school I had been told frequently to ‘pipe down’ or to ‘reel it in’ from teachers, and more vexingly to ‘shut up’ from boys due to my boisterous personality. In high school? My teachers encouraged me to audition for the play because I had ‘great projection’. In every school programme (more on those later) that I was involved in, I was the one asked to give speeches about them at assembly. I was asked to be the lead of our house chants during our sports festivals. I was asked to join the debate team because of my passionate nature, which in primary school, had me known as ‘difficult’.

Likewise, I had a friend who was by nature quiet, and loved to draw. In primary school she’d doodled on the back of a work booklet, and when her teacher returned it, she’d taken off two points and had written a comment saying something about teachers in high school not accepting work that was drawn on.

Do you know what happened when she got to high school? Our English teacher had seen the eye she’d drawn on the back of our Romeo and Juliet test and had written, ‘beautiful!’ above it. The next test, she drew a two-headed cat with witches’ hats on both heads (I remember the left head was called Turpentine and the right head was called Esmeralda). Our teacher wrote, ‘wonderful!’ above it, with a smiley face.

The next day she got an email from our art teacher that had a PDF flyer of information on both in-school and local art competitions.

Anyway, she had questions and that teacher answered every single one of them. She also personally helped her select the works she wanted to submit. She ended up having two pieces shown in the school gallery, along forty pieces made by other girls. About five years later for our final year, on that art teacher’s recommendation (and tutelage!) she took all of the visual art subjects on offer. When she graduated, her final piece was shown at a public exhibition in our state’s capital city, that honoured the best pieces done by select graduating students in the state.

So yeah. Our teachers were pretty amazing. Of course, there was the odd teacher or two you would butt heads with but that’s just a universal school experience. Our humanities classes, like history, for example, often had a unit that would focus on the female experience of a certain time period. For example, when learning about WW2, we did projects on female resistance fighters et cetera.

We had health classes that were actually focused on female health. We learnt about female anatomy (even the clitoris! Though we were all about thirteen/fourteen at this time so we found it incredibly awkward to talk about), as well as symptoms of PCOS during our menstrual unit. We learnt about contraceptive methods and devices (however, as a Catholic school they did have to tell us that whilst these methods are available, the church-sanctioned method is of course, abstinence).

Whilst the majority of the girls shaved their legs and wore makeup, as someone who did neither of those things I rarely felt judgement about it (albeit, I think there was a little for my lack of makeup, but this only lasted the first two years). A good portion of our staff also did not wear makeup, I don’t recall this ever being commented on. And, by the time we’d reached about our third year, a good portion of my year level and the ones above did not wear makeup on a daily basis. Leg hair was not looked down upon by any of us I don’t think by this year either. In fact, if you were particularly hairy often your hairless friends asked to rub your legs!

We were never short of female role-models, our staff made sure of that. We had multiple days per year when guest speakers would come and talk to us, mostly these were women who were experts in their fields—whether that be neuroscience or computer science, linguistics and literature or mathematics, politics, et cetera. The only times we really had male guest speakers was when police officers (one male one female) came to give us an assembly about sexual peer-pressure and laws around sharing nudes that was basically, “these are common (male) manipulation tactics used to pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do, don’t fall for them”.

We were encouraged to take STEM subjects, and those of us that had taken interest in computer programming were sent to coding programmes in the city during school hours! That’s how keen our teachers were to get more women into the field! This was the same with the girls interested in politics, who got to go to Model UN events, as well as mock parliaments in the country’s capitol.

We had a lot of programmes generally. A few overseas ones for girls who were in LOTE (languages other than English) classes. A few interstate ones, too. And of course, local programmes and excursions. Most of them (aside from the LOTE ones which focused on immersion) were volunteer programmes aimed at helping women and girls. The rest were about furthering our own skills or learning new ones. Majority of these were year-level based, but a few depended on the clubs/groups/classes you were in. For example, I was part of the Writer’s Club, and we took an excursion to the state Writer’s Festival and listened to female writers as well as feminist panels. We also had self-defence programmes every year.

In terms of peers I generally found everyone to be quite amiable by the time we’d reached our third/fourth year. There’s a common myth about all girls schools being filled with ‘catty’ girls who are constantly bitching about one another, but I really did not find that to ring true. There were a few fights and arguments in the earlier years, I was part of quite a lot lol but that’s honestly… just something that happens at school, at any school. Largely, we were good to each other. If someone was crying there was always someone who’d ask her what was wrong. If you missed the notes on the slide, there was always a girl willing to share her notes with you.

I think going to an all-girl’s school, and not having that much interaction with the opposite sex generally for that six-year period truly does something, I think, to your psyche. We are socialised to look down on our fellow woman, socialised to look down upon ourselves. But actually being constantly surrounded by women, and almost ONLY women, really helps to undo that. Even now I could not describe the fierce love I have for all those women and girls I came in contact with during my time there—even the ones I bickered with. Each and every single woman I met there enriched my life in some way or another. I think that is the effect of consistently spending time in any female-only space: developing a true appreciation for women. It is the only reasonable conclusion to come to.

I have been out of high school for two years, and in university for one. Among the many men I have met since, none of them have even been able to hold a candle to the any women and girls I know.

Anyway. TLDR: it slapped, send your daughters to same-sex schools!!

[onlyherefortheshowmances]

Actual Love, Victor season 2 thoughts (taking into account interviews that have come out and press releases, etc.):

Timeline thoughts: The press release says, we pick up at the start of Victor’s junior year (which about 4 months after season 1); however we know from the ‘leaked’ script page that the first scene will just be a direct continuation of the last scene of season 1. So I feel like we’re going to get the rest of sophomore year and the summer condensed into one, possibly two episodes and then we jump in on junior year.

Benji thoughts: We know from interviews with George that we're going to be seeing a lot more of Benji this season and that we're going to learn more about his backstory/struggles.  I've long hypothesized that the reason no one at school knows about the accident is that it happened the previous summer and laws in Georgia (if the producers, writers, etc. even care) state a 12 month license suspension for an underage DUI; meaning Benji would get his license back in the summer that happens between seasons 1 & 2 of love victor. I think we might see him coping with the concept of driving again and possibly being uncomfortable with that due to what happened before, etc. I'm hoping we meet Benji's parents, but as there haven't been any casting announcements in that regard, I'm not holding my breath. Michael has also said we're going to hear George's actual singing voice in season 2 which is exciting on a lot of levels. My dream scenarios include him serenading Victor because obviously or him doing a solo open mic night type performance because I don't foresee the band still being a thing post Benji/Derek break up. I'm hoping we get some flashbacks of Derek being a shitty boyfriend to Benji and/or the break-up because I think it'll be super nice to see the contrast of how much better Victor is. We'll also be meeting Benji's friend Lucy which I'm super excited for. It's about time he has some friends and I'm just really curious what that dynamic is going to be.

Venji relationship thoughts: Scenes we know are going to occur from BTS photos: holding hands in the hallway at school and a double date at Brasstown with Felix/Lake. I'm super excited for both of these scenes, obviously. I'm very curious how the coming out at school thing is going to go for Victor. I have a feeling his popularity is going to dwindle hard and fast. I sort of wonder if we're going to get another Ms. Albright having to put a stop to things scene a la Love, Simon, which I would 100% support because I fucking love Ms. Albright. I'm hoping we actually see some of the beginning of their relationship and how it develops from the friendship they had in season 1, but with the planned time skip we can’t be certain. At one point, many moons ago a producer mentioned a scene being thrown around of an LGBT+ character and a straight character talking about the possibility of them both losing their virginities the same weekend (imo, this has to be Victor/Felix) and there has been mention since that time of this season being “spicy” in Michael’s words and generally more mature-themed, etc. as it was actually written and produced for Hulu directly unlike the first season. This all to say, I’m really hoping and somewhat thinking we’re going to get a Victor and Benji have sex for the first time mention at least (which is bound to be awkward af).

Salazar family thoughts: We know from interviews with Ana that Isabel is going to be the parent who struggles more with Victor's coming out (due to her religiousness). I'm hoping they actually show some of that struggle because I actually have two cousins that are gay (and brothers) that grew up Catholic and their mom definitely went through it when the older one came out (he did so almost a decade before his younger brother), so I think it could be really interesting to watch that play out on screen. I have a feeling Adrian might be a little comic relief/saving grace for the family situation because for the most part kids just don't care about this kind of thing and I think that could be really nice for Victor to have someone that honestly just doesn't think any different at all and still just wants to hang out with his big brother. I'm curious how Pilar is going to handle it; I don't think she'll have an issue with the gay thing, but I definitely think she's going to have an issue with the cheating on/hurting Mia part of everything. I'm also curious to see how the separation of Isabel and Armando plays out. I haven't seen a lot of pictures or anything about James being on set for season 2, so I have a feeling Armando moves out and we won't see too much of him.

Basketball team thoughts: I have a feeling at least some of Victor's teammates are going to have an issue with his sexuality being as we are in Georgia and as Leah Burke once said (in Becky Albertelli’s novella Love, Creekwood) ‘Georgia’s gonna Georgia’. I have this image of a basketball game where Benji is there watching (obviously) and wearing Victor’s away jersey (because that is 100% a thing you do in high school) and a kid from the other team asks why that guy is wearing his jersey and Vic’s just like, “He’s wearing my jersey for the same reason Mia’s wearing Andrew’s.” But that’s probably just my fic writer brain talking (p.s. I may write that if I have time before season 2 happens). Tying into the last section, I want to know how Isabel’s feelings regarding Victor’s coming out are going to affect her support of his basketball career (if at all).

Mia thoughts: I do think at some point Mia’s going to at least kind of forgive Victor or at the very least hear him out. Obviously we have a BTS photo that proves Lake at least is willing to sit at the same table as Victor which I don’t think would happen if Mia wasn’t at least kind of okay with everything. I also think Mia/Andrew is going to happen for real, but maybe not right away.

[vladdocs]

Dracula's life from birth to 7 years by Lyzhina Svetlana Sergeevna (Лыжина Светлана Сергеевна) originally in Russian. http://samlib.ru/l/lyzhina_s_s/dracula_7.shtml In this article I have tried to collect ALL the information somehow related to the early childhood of Dracula, and the story of childhood always begins with the story of the birth, so that's where we'll start. When Dracula was born. The year of Dracula's birth is reported differently by different books. Some say 1429 and some say 1431, but all of these statements are based on the same facts. _ _ _ _ _ Fact 1 - Dracula had an older brother, about whom we know that in 1442 he was 13-14 years old. This is reported in Jean de Wavrin's "Anciennes Chroniques d'Angleterre". Fact 2 - Dracula first ascended the throne in November 1448 and began to rule without the help of a regent, which means that Dracula was already 17 years old at the time. _ _ _ _ _ These two facts are the basis of all the assumptions we find in various books, so it is not difficult to guess where the numbers 1429 and 1431 come from. If the elder brother of Dracula in 1442 was 13-14 years old, it turns out that this brother was born around 1428, which means that Dracula himself couldn't have been born before 1429. At the same time, if you count Dracula's age from the time of his first reign, that is, subtract 17 from 1448, you get 1431. By the way, that is why the birth of Dracula is often associated with another fact - the entry of Dracula's father into the Order of St. George (Order of the Dragon). It is presumed that the accession took place no later than January 1431, since in a letter dated February 8, 1431, drawn up in Nuremberg, Dracula's father, among other things, states that he enjoyed the support of Emperor Sigismund of Luxembourg, who was the head of the Order. House in Sighisoara It is common knowledge that Dracula's early childhood was spent in the Transylvanian town of Sighisoara, where our hero lived with his father, mother and older brother until the fall of 1436, which means that at the time of his departure from the "land of childhood" Dracula was no more than 7.5 years old. How many memories could Dracula have of Sighisoara? About as many as each of us remembers of kindergarten and the first school bell. Is it a lot or not - you decide. The house where Dracula lived is located on the corner of Zhestianshchikov Street and Museum Square. Zhestvenshchikov Street is a historical name, and Museum Square was a street in the Middle Ages and, of course, was called differently. The most likely name is Blacksmith's, so you can imagine the sounds that little Dracula heard from morning to night. The mint in the house. It is also known that Dracula's father set up a sort of mint in the family nest. Special people came to the house and were engaged in minting gold money - the very coins with dragons, thanks to which Dracula's father got his nickname. The minting process and the coins themselves looked like this: https://img-fotki.yandex.ru/.../440.../0_acb55_83f50b94_orig Of course, the presence of unauthorized people in the house and the constant hammering of the stamp caused some inconvenience to the family, but it was impossible to move the "production" to another place, because only Dracula's father had the right to mint money, and in order to comply with legal formalities, he had to do it in his own territory. Frescoes in the house Unfortunately, we don't know exactly what Dracula's house looked like in the 15th century. What we see now is the 17th century, but many researchers believe that the house still has something that existed in the 15th century - a mural on the wall of the second floor. I read on the official website of House of Dracula that there were originally 4 people in the mural, although only 3 images have survived. It is believed that the "man in a turban" and the woman next to them are Dracula's parents, and to the right and left of them the artist depicted guests invited to the feast. That the fresco depicts four people, not three, is more than

likely, but the assumption that next to the owners of the house are depicted guests, I personally think wrong, because Dracula's parents, ordering a painting, would have preferred to see there not guests, but really close people, i.e. relatives. I think the mural was a family portrait, not just a sketch from life. The gray-bearded man on the right side of the fresco looks a lot like Dracula's maternal grandfather, the Moldovan sovereign Alexandru the Good. If I am right, the portrait on the opposite side, which is not preserved, belonged to the Romanian sovereign Mircea the Old, Dracula's paternal grandfather. https://img-fotki.yandex.ru/.../4400.../0_acb56_233d42a_orig By the way, there are other frescoes on the second floor, or rather remnants of frescoes. In some places we can see floral ornaments, and on the upper slopes of the windows we can see figures of some people, depicted waist-length and placed in round frames. Most likely, the frescoes on the slopes date from the 16th century, as the numbers 1576 are visible on one of them. The only thing we can say for sure is that these frescoes depict noble people. Near one of the images there is a figure of a two-headed eagle. Next to the other image is the inscription "archi..." (Latin: archiepiscopus - archbishop). In a third image, a woman's hairstyle and a richly patterned dress are clearly visible. https://img-fotki.yandex.ru/.../440.../0_acb57_354e446a_orig Services in the house Dracula's family was Orthodox, and the population of Sighisoara in the 15th century consisted almost entirely of Catholics, since at that time Transylvania did not belong to Romania, but to Hungary, a traditionally Catholic country. There were no Orthodox churches in Sighisoara at all, and this posed a serious problem for Dracula's father and mother. Dracula's parents were supposed to live a church life, which is possible only with the participation of a priest, who can take confession, baptize the newborn, etc. Dracula's parents lived in Hungary for many years - first at the court of Sigismund of Luxembourg, and then in Transylvania - and all this time were away from Orthodox parishes. For example, it is known that in the Middle Ages there were no Orthodox churches in the Hungarian capital. Such a temple appeared only at the end of the 15th century in the neighboring city - in Pest - and was a wooden church built by the Orthodox Serbian settlers. How did Dracula's parents deal with the issue of confession and baptism of their children? After all, someone had to baptize the newborn Dracula as well! Most likely, the parents, being well-to-do people, hired a certain Orthodox priest, who conducted home services, took confessions, etc. By the way, little Dracula, living in Sighisoara, is unlikely to have confessed, because in Orthodoxy all children under 7 years are considered absolutely sinless, and Dracula at the time of his move from Sighisoara to Romania was (recall) no more than 7.5 years. Dracula's first steps in comprehension of sciences If you believe the textbooks on the history of pedagogy, the basic principles of education since the Middle Ages have not changed so much. In the Middle Ages, as now, science was taught from the age of 7, but Dracula probably began learning a little earlier. The Dracula researcher M. Kazaku suggests that Dracula and his elder brother had teachers in common, as the difference in the age of the brothers was insignificant - two years maximum. If further to follow this logic, then it turns out that the older brother Dracula began to learn reading at age 7 as it should be, and Dracula was put in school at 6 or even 5 - just for the company, so that the younger brother did not hang around while the older one was sitting in class. All the textbooks on the history of pedagogy say that in the Middle Ages the teachers of the "book sciences" were from the church milieu. Even if it was to teach a child who was not prepared for a spiritual career, he was still taught by churchmen, because they were the most literate and educated class. By the way,

this is another argument in favor of the assumption that while Dracula's family was wandering around Catholic lands, an Orthodox priest lived there all the time. Dracula's parents needed this priest also because someone had to teach their children to read and write. In any case, we can say with absolute certainty that the literacy learned by the young Dracula was Slavic. He simply could not have been taught Romanian literacy, because it did not exist in the 15th century. If we look at the history of the Romanian language (old Romanian to be exact) we see that it was an oral language until the 16th century. The earliest known letter written in Romanian goes back to 1521 and is in Cyrillic script, because most of the official documents in Romania at the time were written in Slavonic and the liturgies were held in the same language. Exactly in Slavonic, not in Latin, as many people think for some reason! This gives us reason to believe that the little Dracula, as a child of an Orthodox family, studied first of all the Slavic letters, and not the Latin. It turns out that already at an early age Dracula knew three languages: - Romanian, because it was spoken in the family; - Hungarian, because the family lived in Hungarian lands; - Slavonic, because it was the starting point for literacy. It seems incredible that a child at such an early age could be taught a Slavic language - essentially a foreign language - but there is nothing surprising in all this. At a later time in the so-called "classical gymnasiums" young children had to learn two foreign languages at once - Greek and Latin - but no child died or went mad from this teaching. So could not the little Dracula learn the Slavic alphabet? That is, perhaps, all there is to it, and of Dracula's further maturing one can

[g0reoz]

okay, so i’m going to get this out before the other post i was going to make. tw for physical and mental self harm, attempted su1c1d3, emotional manipulation, xtianity, etc. feel free to skip this one if y’all aren’t in the right headspace for that.

you hear a lot about catholic guilt, and i actually just rb’d a post about it if some of you needed a more in-depth explanation. i wanted to talk about some of my own experiences as someone who grew up in an extreme/fundamentalist catholic environment. long story short, catholicism fucks with your mind because it so deeply ingrains the idea that SO MUCH is wrong and that all wrongdoings need to have some kind of (usually self inflicted) punishment if you want to atone for them.

as you might know, catholics have to generally get their first reconciliation in second grade. they sat a bunch of seven and eight year olds down to tell them that they needed to “examine their conscience” and think of all the sins they committed. we were told that we needed to remember them or have them written down so that we could tell them to the priest. in a small, dark room. it was usually too hot because neither the school/parish i went to nor my family’s church had a working air conditioning system, but i digress. i’m not sure if it’s like this everywhere, but y’know how there were mortal (biiiig ones that were Basically Permanent and you Needed Confession to get rid of) sins and venial (smaller things that eating the eucharist n shit could also forgive) sins? yeah, we were told that even having a bunch of venial sins would pile up and could make you go to hell, which is why it’s Really Important to remember as many as you can for the priest. that’s right—they were threatening a bunch of kids who didn’t even know what MULTIPLICATION WAS with the (at the time, very real seeming) possibility of eternal damnation. of course, this terrified me because i still didn’t even know what did or didn’t constitute a fucking sin!! i was eight!! was leaving the sink on that one time and wasting water a sin? was lying to my dad because i knew he would hit me with a belt if i didn’t a sin? who knows??? i didn’t, clearly. so i sat there, on the verge of tears, holding a pencil. we were told that after we confessed, we would have to do penance—whatever the priest decided was an appropriate repayment for our transgressions. having never done this before, i can tell you that i 100% believed there was a chance of the priest having a belt in there. or hitting me with those ropes the altar servers wore around their waists. so i thought of a sin that was too small for that kind of punishment: “one time i wasn’t nice to my brother.” it was simple. it was vague. i could easily back my way out of something severe if needed. and my penance ended up only being three our fathers, two hail marys, and to try being nicer to my brother that day.

knowing that this worked and that i wasn’t severely punished, i kept coming up with small “sins” whenever i was forced to go. it occurred to me that i usually couldn’t think of anything i did that i felt was “wrong” or “evil.” i didn’t think i needed to apologize, but years of living at home had told me that “i didn’t do anything wrong” was right up there with “i don’t know” as one of the worst responses to anything. so, afraid of what would happen if i didn’t think of something, i had a list of backups. “i talked back to my mom.” “i didn’t clean my room.” you know, normal things that kids tend to do without much ill will. and each time, it was a small penance, but one that still left a bad taste in the back of my mouth.

one time, in like fifth grade, i decided to test the waters and see what happened if i admitted to something bigger. i still didn’t feel i did anything wrong, but it was more severe in the eyes of someone like a priest. “i read fanfiction without my parents knowing. in private mode.” i figured i might as well add on some more, just to see what happened. “and it had swear words.” the response i got was basically more praying than i’d been assigned before, plus to tell my parents and apologize. since i’m still out here having to work around shit for internet access, guess who apparently didn’t do all of that. but i did feel super guilty! the way the priest phrased it wasn’t just “k cool go tell your parents bc that was wrong.” it was phrased very delicately in a way that implied that he wasn’t going to say anything about it because he TRUSTED me to do the right thing and complete my PENANCE so i could be forgiven of my dirty, terrible sins. that was only the start of something much worse.

see, since then, i had to take more and more religion classes at school. i had church twice a week. it was made abundantly clear to me that suffering made you a good person and made god happy because you were atoning for your sins. and in a religion where simply existing as a human being was a sin, there was a lot to suffer for.

it started out small. i would mentally berate myself for doing something “wrong” before saying some pre-written, memorized prayers. i figured if i could just keep up with all my sins, there was no way i could go to hell for them if i acidentally died young. but slowly, i started exploring the world and my own mind more. i committed more “serious” sins, so i needed a more serious form of penance. i would dig my nails into my skin. i would punch the same spot until it was bruised. i would scratch myself and push my skin to the limit, stopping just before i drew blood. i convinced myself that my pain was holy. my suffering was religious. every time i did something remotely sinful, i would panic as a wave of guilt and fear rushed over me, then i’d do whatever penance i decided on, and i’d just have to wait for my heart rate to go down. if i couldn’t physically cause myself pain as i recognized a “sin,” i would make a note on my hand so i could atone later. y’know, Normal Kid Stuff.

then i hit middle school, where i was starting to slip into a depressed state. and what we learned in school and at home was that those feelings, especially when prolonged, were Evil and Sinful and Of The Devil (i’ll go off about that ideology somewhere else because damn it’s a lot to unpack). so to pay god back for the sin of simply feeling shitty, i did even more self harming. i think the worst of that time period was when i was having a particularly bad day. i ran to the bathroom and spent like half an hour scratching my arm until the skin was raw and bloody. i still have a big scar from it. told my parents i fell on the concrete outside, which they believed because a lot of my injuries also came from me falling. i can’t believe i actually thought that was the right way to deal with being in a constant state of feeling awful, and i really hope no one else thinks the way i did. it only makes things worse.

flash forward to around seventh grade. i’ve put off realizing all of the signs i was trans for long enough. i couldn’t just ignore it anymore, but the realization that i was something i’d been told was terrible and an atrocity before the lord (others’ words, not mine) did a major blow to my already crumbling mental health. it was just wrong. *i* was wrong, and there was nothing i could do about it this time. i tried not to do anything drastic. i just kept up with the usual punching/scratching, but eventually it was too much to deal with, and i cracked.

it was winter, which means my seasonal affective issues were also kicking in. my parents and brother were gone somewhere—probably shopping. i had my chance, and i was tired of dealing with the weight of an identity that i, at the time, could not accept. i filled the bathtub with hot water and lavender oil and tried to drown myself in the sweet-smelling pool. it was a bathtub. it was supposed to cleanse you. and that’s what i intended to use it for that night. i put my head underwater, curling up naked until i was completely submerged. it wasn’t beautiful or poetic or anything movies would lead one to believe. it was ugly and nasty and hurt like hell. i could feel the water filling up my lungs, and i only pulled myself out at the last moment. this, like many major decisions i made early in my life, was only done out of fear. what if i was really wrong? what if that was just the end, and everything was for nothing? this wasn’t the first time i doubted my religion by any means, since most of what i was doing at the time was just a last ditch attempt to Do It The Right Way in a vain struggle to feel something. i was scared of giving up. regardless, i went over to the toilet and vomited before i had time to think too deeply about things. then, i had to clean everything up and dry off before my family returned home.

that night, i finally had time to think about everything. i barely slept as i came to the conclusion that maybe this wasn’t worth it. while i was still surrounded by catholicism and its teachings, i didn’t have any way to articulate which aspects of the religion had caused me so much harm. i just knew that i was hurt and confused, and that the church was wrong. i decided to finally give up on the church almost a year later. it took me a long time to sort things out and realize that there was no turning back.

i still struggle with this idea that i need to punish myself for any perceived wrongdoing. it had been drilled into me. i still feel guilty about some things, even if i don’t physically harm myself anymore. i’m working really hard to stop feeling this way, and i think i’ve made a lot of progress. i still feel immense fear and pain and bitterness, and these feelings are so hard to describe with words. if i can barely describe a passing feeling of happiness, i don’t know how i can begin to get into this mess of fifty different things (all indiscernible but distinctly bad) at once. all i have are the experiences i can retell and the hope that maybe they will be able to convey those feelings. i’ve been terrified to talk about this specific instance on this website, but i realized that maybe someone else is (or was) going through the same struggle. the main thing i learned here is that it gets better eventually, but you need to be the one who takes the first step towards healing. the hard way out is worth it in the end.

if you made it through reading all that, i just want to add on one more thing: i’m wishing you genuine peace of mind wherever you are in life and regardless of how much or little you have gone through. thanks for hearing me out. -gavin 💛

[queenlua]

You're a druid and an ex-evangelical, right? What does being a druid mean to you? How did you get from evangelicalism to where you are now? And of course feel free to ignore this if it's nosy. (sincerely, a Christian who wants to leave but who doesn't know what to do)

this is going to make me sound ignorant as hell, lol, but i'm happy to share

under a cut because this got very long, sorry, lol.

my personal progression was: "vaguely christian -> VERY christian -> christian agnostic -> agnostic/atheist -> agnostic/druid -> some sorta druid-neopagan-animist thing."  i guess i'll just go through what made me switch between each of those, and close out with some high-level thoughts that may be helpful for you?

okay, so when i was

VAGUELY CHRISTIAN,

i went to Sunday school every week because That's What You Do, and because my whole hometown was very southern Baptist, i never questioned the veracity of its teachings much... until they ran a whole weekly series on "why [x] is wrong," where [x] is some other group

e.g., we had a week on why Mormons are wrong, and i didn't bat an eye because i hadn't even known Mormons existed until that moment

then we had a week on why Muslims are wrong, and that... bothered me, because i had a friend who was Muslim, and she was just objectively a better person than me, and i was like "any universe where she goes to hell and i don't seems really fucked up"

then we had a week on why EVOLUTION was wrong, and that just absolutely threw me, because while i hadn't thought about evolution much (i think i was in fourth grade or so), it seemed common-sense? scientists thought highly of it? "adaptation over time" just seems logical?

so i went to the public library every day after school for like a week, read some Darwin and some science books, and came back to my Sunday school teacher with, like, an itemized list of objections to the whole "evolution is wrong" thing.  and he came up with some standard Answers In Genesis rebuttals, and i did more research and came back the next week with more science, and we repeated this a few times until he was like "lua, you just gotta take some things on faith"

which.  lmao.  full existential crisis time, because no matter how hard i thought, i couldn't *not* believe in the science, but i also didn't want to go to hell, so i was like "maybe if i believe SUPER HARD i will SOMEDAY be able to unbelieve the condemn-me-to-hell bits"

so i decided to become

VERY CHRISTIAN

and my frantic googling for shit like "proof of god" and "god and evolution" *eventually* broke me out of the Answers In Genesis circles of the internet, and into some decent Christian apologia, like, think First Things and various Catholic bloggers.  and there, i found some way to square my gut sense that evolution was right, with a spiritual worldview.

like, i remember finding some blogger who said:

"young earth creationists get tripped up when they try to explain stars that are millions of light-years away, and end up basically arguing that God's tricking us somehow, and—no!  my God lets you believe in the evidence of your eyes, my God does not demand that you make yourself ignorant or stupid, my God expects you to use your brain"

and i just started crying at my computer, because no one had ever said "using your brain is Good and part of God's will," i was like *finally* here's someone who won't tell me i'm going to hell for just *thinking* about things

(st. augustine does a much better riff on a similar theme, fwiw, but i only found him later)

still, it was an uneasy fit, because, the more i learned and read about world history, the more it seemed... weird... that the One And Singular Path To Salvation was... the successor to some niche desert cult... which didn't even occur at the *beginning* of written history, like, it was all predated by that whole Mithraism thing, etc... and like, sure, i could trot out all the standard theological talking points for why Actually This Makes Perfect Sense, but gut-level-wise, the aesthetics just seemed kinda dumb!  and no level of talking myself out of it made that feeling go away!

so at this point i started referring to myself as a

CHRISTIAN AGNOSTIC

i mean, not aloud.  i still lived in southernbaptistopia and i didn't want, like, my hair stylist to tell me i was a horrible person.  but in my *head* i called myself Christian agnostic and it felt right.

and i started church-hopping, which honestly was really fun, would recommend to anyone at any point.  i visited the fire-and-brimstone baptist church, the methodist church, the episcopalians, the universal unitarians, etc.

unfortunately, while this gave me *some* new perspectives, each of the places either had the same shitty theology as my old megachurch (i remember the *acute* sense of despair i felt when i was starting to jive with a methodist church... only for the dumbass youth minister to start going on about evolution), or, they just lacked any sense of the *sacred*.  like, the Church of Christ churches, with their a capella services, *definitely* had it; i felt more God there in one service than i did in a lifetime of shitty Christian rock at the megachurch.  but their beliefs were even *more* batshit, so.  big L on that one.

having failed to find a satisfactory church, i was basically

AGNOSTIC/ATHEIST

by the time i went to college, but honestly pretty unhappy about it; while it was harder than ever for me to actually *connect* with the divine, i didn't like thinking that my previous experiences of the divine were total lies.  because my shitty evangelical church, for all its faults, could not *completely* sabotage the sense of God's presence.  there were real moments in that church where i do believe i experienced something divine.  mostly mediated by one particular youth minister, who in hindsight was the only spiritual teacher in that church who didn't seem a bit rotten inside, but!  it was something!

so when i happened upon a bunch of writings on the now-defunct shii.org (that's the bit that makes me look WILDLY ignorant, lol), i was utterly captivated.

said author was a previous archdruid of the Reformed Druids of North America, an organization that was formed in the 1960s to troll the administration of Carleton College (there was a religious-service-attendance requirement; they made their own religion; their religion had whiskey and #chilltimes for its services).  however, this shii.org dude seemed to take it pretty seriously.  he was studying history of religion and blogged a lot about his studies, both academic and otherwise.  while RDNA had started out as a troll, that didn't mean they hadn't *discovered* something real in the process, he said.

this, already, was going to be innately appealing to me; i've got a soft spot for wow-we-were-doing-this-ironically-but-now-it's-kinda-real? stuff in general.

in particular, shii.org’s discussions on the separation of ritual from belief was really interesting to me: most religions/spiritualities have *both*, but like, you can do a ritual without having the Exact Right Beliefs (if there even is such a thing!), and it can still be useful to you, it can have real power.  (he had a really lovely essay, speculating on the origins of religion as just a form of art, but that essay is now lost to the sands of time, alas.)

(note that i wouldn't really recommend seeking out *recent* writing by the shii.org guy; he kinda went full tedious neoreactionary-blowhard-who-reads-a-lot-of-Spengler at some point?  sigh.)

the shii.org guy led me to checking out a bunch of books on the history of neopaganism & also books by scholars of religion in general, and the more i read, the more excited i became.  and i started doing little ritual/meditation stuff here and there.

then i was fortunate enough to attend some events with Earthspirit (this was when i lived in Boston), which cemented my hippie dalliances into something more real.  the folks there, being from Boston, were all ridiculously overeducated (a sensibility that appeals to me), but also, being the kind of folks who drive out to a mountain in the middle of nowhere for a spiritual retreat, they tolerated a full range of oddities (everyone from aging-70s-feminist-wiccans to living-on-a-farm-with-your-bros-Astaru to dude-who-started-having-weird-visions-and-is-just-trying-to-figure-out-the-deal to Nordic-spiritualist-with-two-phds-from-Scandanavian-universities-on-the-subject, etc), which gave me a lot of room to explore different types of rituals, ceremonies, "magic", etc.

(polytheism in general lends itself well to this sort of easy plurality!  i can believe other people are experiencing something real with their gods, and i can be talking to a totally different set of gods, and that’s just all very compatible, etc)

anyway, i started calling myself

AGNOSTIC/DRUID

around then, because i knew i'd found *something*, something that felt like all the realest moments i'd ever had in nature, and all the realest moments i'd ever had in that shitty megachurch, but i wasn't quite ready to put a theology to it.

but, idk, you do the thing for a while, and you start encountering some things that you may as well call gods, and you realize you're in pretty deep, and you ditch the "agnostic" bit and just throw hands and start describing yourself as

SOME SORTA DRUID-NEOPAGAN-ANIMIST THING

because that's the most precise thing you can muster.  in particular, the druid bit resonates because nature's still very much at the center of my practice; the neopagan bit resonates because i'm not especially interested in reconstructing older traditions or being faithful to any actual pre-Christian traditions, and animist resonates because what i sometimes call gods seem to be tied pretty tightly to the land itself.  it's all very experiential; all this mostly means i'm some weird chick who sometimes grabs a car and drives out someplace very lonely and hikes for a while and does some hippie shit to try and talk with the land or the god or whatever is there.  and sometimes i come back from it changed, or refocused, or what-have-you, and hopefully i'm better for it.  i'm aware this makes me look a little ridiculous, and is an unsatisfying answer, sorry!

WRT YOUR SITUATION

i don't know you or your situation, obviously, but if i wanted to give former-me some advice to save her some angst, i'd say

-> Christendom itself is far wilder and more diverse than many churches lead you to believe.  if you still want to be Christian on some level, and it's just a shitty church that's convinced you the whole project is fucked, i'd honestly explore, i dunno, your nearest Quaker meeting.  they're invoking the Holy Spirit with regularity but they're not raging douchenozzles about it.

-> if you're specifically interested in druidism, i found John Michael Greer's "A World Full of Gods" really nice.  (caveat: Greer has *also* gone full right-wing nutjob these days, sigh, so like.  would not recommend a great swath of his writing.  but that one's good)

-> deciding that a just God wouldn't give me a brain and then ask me not to use it was hugely comforting to me.  like, that was the start of the whole process, that was what made me feel ok searching for other churches and trying to find something that fit.  obviously you should take this with 800 grains of salt, because obviously i'm no longer Christian, and thus maybe i'm just some poor misguided fallen soul, but... i still kinda believe that!  maybe if you can make yourself believe that, it'll seem less scary?

idk, happy to answer more questions, sorry for the long ramble, hope it helped~

[causeimhappinesss]

Fading innocence - Thomas Shelby

Pairing: Thomas Shelby x reader

Warnings: age gap, smut, loss of virginty

Request : Hiii i'm the one that requested the tommy x christian reader, i was thinking if maybe you could write the moment where he takes her virginity, what does the family think about her, her telling him (before they start to date) that she wants to create a family with her future husband and have at least 2 kids or more because she wants them to have eachother's back always, and his reaction to it too♡♡♡♡ thank you so much♡♡♡♡

Disclaimer: I’m french and even if I’m learning English for a long time, it’s not perfect and I’m sorry if there are spelling or grammar mistakes. I haven’t written in English for almost a year. If English is your native language (or if you’re bilingual), I would really appreciate it if you could help me by correcting my errors. Just don’t be too harsh, please. :)

***

Living in a wealthy family had advantages and disadvantages, it was undeniable. First, you couldn't date someone who didn't belong to your rank. Second, you were brought up in a very Catholic family and therefore, no sex before marriage. Oh God, no! Your father would have wanted your head on a stake, that's for sure! Third, your education made you very polite.

This is surely what had pleased Thomas Shelby the day you met him. As a politician, he was often called upon to meet so-called "high society people", other politicians and their families. So he had been invited for a weekend to a deputy's house. Drinking good French wine, playing golf, riding horses on your father's huge property, talking business and politics; it was the schedule. He planned to stick to it without causing any problems. To tell the truth, he appreciated your father, he was a very nice man who shared his vision of things in the political world, although he thought he too... Catholic, for his taste.

You stood in front of him, magnificent, breathtaking in this white dress that highlighted your purity and your curves, without ever falling into vulgarity. Beautiful women, he had seen them. He had even slept with a large number of them. Yet none, except Grace, had done this to him. You took his breath away.

He spied on you, in your every move. Your long doe eyelashes adorned your eyes with a color he judged sumptuous by its nuances. That doe look, what made him weak every time you spoke to him. "Mr. Shelby, what do you prefer in politics? "," Thomas, what are your next projects for the most disadvantaged populations? "," Tommy, could you teach me how to ride a horse, correctly? " 72 hours of pure delight where he became close to you. People had to be blind not to see this alchemy.

It was also long conversations between the two of you, he discovered that you liked to read, sometimes you wrote, you liked arts in general, and that you dreamed of starting your own family with several children. A dream of a little girl your never abandoned. Tommy could only find it respectable, even if part of him thought it was too… Classic? He had known women wilder than that, more free-spirited and yet your love of family and innocent side attracted him.

"I want my children to always have each other's back, it's so important in a family," it didn't surprise Tommy. The latter could only smile.

"A closely-knit family ? It's not easy, it's very rare, you know. I love my family, but sometimes, protecting each other is not as easy as you think. There's always a vicious guy to screw everything up. The perfect family doesn’t exist."

And after that, you tried to argue again and despite your youth, your lack of experience in life, you were doing pretty well.

The tall, violent and enigmatic Thomas Shelby couldn't take his eyes off you. You were so beautiful that it became painful. His heart was racing. His hands were shaking at times. In the evening, in his bed, he imagined your sweet face as he stroked his cock. You became his obsession. You were almost perfect. Almost. Why "almost"? You were so young, so... Devoted to God. Quite his opposite. Tommy was already 40 years old, and you just celebrated your 21st birthday. You liked to pray before each meal, especially in the evening, and you went to church each Sunday.

He thought he had no chance with you. And yet that didn't stop him from organizing weekends like this more and more often. Sometimes, your family was staying with him and sometimes, you family was telling him to stay. Of course, your father noticed something, even if he said nothing. In reality, he was waiting for Tommy to behave like a man and confess things to him. Your father hoped Tommy would ask you to marry him. This alliance would be a nice thing in terms of politics and it made him feel good about not having to force his daughter to marry a man she absolutely wouldn't love.

On your side, you often thought about this man. You thought he was attractive, enigmatic and you liked this harsh, icy side that he displayed with the others, while he was soft with you. You did everything to be in the same room as him, to find a topic for discussion and you loved when he taught you concrete things of real life. Your mother didn’t always see this as a good thing, she wanted to preserve you, a little Catholic from a good family, who had to be protected from obscenity. You were so innocent that you had no idea what happened when two adults kissed in a bed… You knew that they ended up naked, that there was a link between the female sex and the male sex, but it ended there. Likewise, the conception of a child was still unclear to you. For good reason, you didn’t went to school where children and adolescents share their new knowledges. And you only befriended with girls from wealthy and Catholic families, your mother watched your companies, so you couldn't know.

One evening, when you were at home and Tommy was sleeping in your parents' manor, you were dying of heat. Despite the window open in your room, the chest exposed with just your little nightie and a leg over your blanket, you turned in all directions. The moonlight allowed you to see everything in your room and your own body. You kept thinking of "Mr. Shelby" ... You were constantly looking for contact with him, so when he was nearby, you deliberately let your clothes rub against his when you walked near him, or you would slide your knee against his, if he sat next to you. You missed his touch. Imagining him putting his hands on your waist, your heartbeat increased and a sigh crossed the barrier of your lips. You stir in your bed again, until you felt your nipples rub against the blanket. With your nipples erected, your back shaken by pleasant chills, you sighed again. It was so nice. By mechanism, you did it again. It was so nice. Why did this friction do you so much good? Why did you want to start over? You felt a heat spread in your lower-abdomen. Without realizing it, your pelvis began to wave against the covers, which you pulled up between your thighs. Soon, the fabric rubbed obscenely against your intimacy despite your panties. It was so good that many sighs of desire and pleasure crossed the barrier of your lips. Soon, you repeated the name "Tommy" like a mantra.

In the middle of the night, Tommy felt the need to drink a glass of water. That’s why he got out of bed, put on a pant he buttoned up, and an undershirt. However, to go down to the kitchen, he had to walk near your room. Your sighs, which became weak moans, attracted his attention. He stopped, frowning, he was surprised. He thought he was dreaming. How did such an innocent little thing produce these sinful sounds? He pressed his ear to the door and he felt the excitement build up inside of him. He was used to this kind of noise, but what excited him was the fact it came out of your mouth. He felt his erection grow when she distinguished said his name. He slid his hand over his stretched cock, unable to resist the urge to join you in your bed, regardless of what it might cause. After all, Thomas Shelby does what he wants.

He discreetly opened the door of your room and closed it in silence, so you wouldn’t panic. Thanks to the moonlight, he saw you, the blanket between your thighs, your white nightie pulled up to the top of your thighs, your nipples up and you, rubbing against your blanket. Eyes closed, focused on your pleasure, a pout on your face because you tried to better, you couldn't see him. Discreetly, he came closer, then just as he let his hands go on your thighs, he murmured: "I'm here, love".

You jumped slightly and then your cheeks flushed with shame, embarrassment. You pushed his hands so warm, callused, so pleasant on your silky skin.

"I-I ... Tommy, you’re n-not allowed to be here ... Oh ... Oh my God! " You felt so ashamed that you felt tears coming to your eyes. What have you done? You realized you had just done something wrong, you had sinned. And the fact that Shelby was there, the man you were in love with, made it worse.

Seeming to perceive distress in your body language, Tommy grabbed your face between his hands and kissed every part of your face, whispering "It doesn't matter, it's human." He refused to let you regret, to let you feel dirty for the most human thing. In his eyes, sex should not be seen as something degrading, shameful. But it wasn’t easy to make you understand this, a little Catholic virgin. Meanwhile, as he continued to have a hard-on, he felt the need to act and to cum inside of you. How hard it was not to jump on you!

"Look at me." He ordered.

One simple sentence, and you executed. He looked deep into yours eyes as he stroked your cheeks.

"You’ve done nothing wrong.", he tried to reassure you. How you loved him so much! You drank his words, you believed him on words and your eyes stopped getting wet, the shame dissipated. And yet, you felt your intimacy so wet that it became embarrassing, the fabric of your white panties perfectly matched the shapes of your labia, as it became transparent. Without doing anything, it was impossible not to smell that odor... The smell of desire, of sex. The cheeks still peonies, you gestured in the hope that the fabric would let your sex breathe better ; it was effectless. You don't take your nightie down. Your nipples remained erect and, when he squinted his eyes, he wondered if you were as wise as you let him pretend, because he saw your pink nipples show through the fabric. An almost transparent white nightie. Without realizing it, one of his hands slid over his crotch. He holds back a sigh of distress. Never had he been so excited and even less, unable to do anything.

His gaze fell on your swollen mouth, then he pressed his lips against yours. Against all expectations, you responded to his kiss. You lacked of experience, but you learned very quickly. Tommy was leading the dance between your tongues and soon his body covered yours. He slipped between your thighs where his cock was trying somehow to free itself from his clothes, while his pants rubbed against your wet intimacy. His hands slipped under your nightie and caressed your breasts. Tenderly. With passion. With desire. He took off your nightie and then covered your chest with wet kisses, until he let his tongue do the rest of the work. He went down to your panties, which he removed with his teeth. He had a perfect view of your intimacy, almost devoid of hair, to his amazement. He got a perfect view of the object of his desires.

"Tommy... We can't... It's wrong... Religion forbids me to do this kind of thing before marriage..." you meowed when you were as desperate as he was, even if you didn't know exactly what your body was asking for.

"I will marry you, Y/N."  Your eyes widened at the revelation as your heartbeat quickened again.

Tommy was sincere. He was a man of words. You would become his wife soon and he knew your father wouldn’t say no if he asked for your hand. That was all it took for you to be transported to the gates of the pleasures of the flesh. The man released his penis from his pants and then from his briefs, which restrained him. The sight of his sex, long, thick, hard, provoked in you an immense wave of heat. Without knowing why, you felt the urge to lick his reddened glans with an intense excitement. So you listened to you body and leaned over his sex to place many kisses there and then lick the wet tip, covered with pre-cum. Tommy had never been so hard, actually it was even painful. Soon, he needed to slip his cock into your pussy! But he was patient, he wanted to be gentle for your first time. You would be the angel who would heal him from his wounds, for sure.

He let you experiment on your own, then he made you fall on your back, slid your legs over his shoulders, to start devouring your labia. Just your sweet smell made him salivate. He kissed, licked as much as he could. Never had he lingered so much on a woman's intimacy. He knew at this time, no one would hear you, because your parents' room was too far away to hear such sinful noises and everyone was sleeping.

When he was finished, he straightened up and rubbed his cock against your clitoris, your labia and then the vagina entrance. The fact that he would be the first (and probably the last) excited him even more. Finally, he penetrated you with a groan as you moaned. You were so excited that you didn't feel any pain. He waited a few moments for you to adapt to his presence, then he began the first back and forth movements, under your innocent moans. It was so good that you didn’t know where to turn, the moans gushed out of your mouth without you being able to contain them and you grabbed Tommy's arms so he wouldn’t stop. You never wanted it to stop. The more it continued, faster, stronger, with certain angles, the better it was. You could no longer think for yourself. Your animal instinct controlled your body. You just knew it was what you wanted: Tommy, deep inside you. For his part, Tommy couldn't help but growl, it was so... Delicious. Ecstasy without having reached orgasm yet. He didn't think of anything either. The bed creaked and pounded on the wall with his movements, but he didn't care. God knows he was refraining from fucking you with more savagery! He preferred to stay on basics for the moment, in the missionary position. Sometimes, he watched his cock come out of your vagina and pussy lips engorged with blood, reddened by the act. He saw Evil dirtying Purity; this vision gave him more pleasure.

The pleasure increased more and more. Orgasm was approaching. When the supreme pleasure swept over you, you no longer saw anything, you couldn’t hear yourself screaming in pleasure, to the point where Tommy had no choice but to put his hand over your mouth. His increasingly irregular movements as he moaned testified to one thing: he was also reaching the seventh heaven. His hands were encrusted on your hips, you would have marks. He emptied his seed inside of you, while your pussy contracted around him. A few seconds later, he pulled out and watched his sperm leak out of your vagina to stain your sheets. The sight made him smile, you were full of his cum and with all that amount, he suspected that you could get pregnant. Usually, he didn't cum inside, but with you .. The question hadn't arisen.

You could throw your panties in a trash can, the maid who would do the laundry would have no doubts about what you had done and warn your mother. Anyway, if you were going to keep it a secret, it was fucked up. Your sheets were filled with his seed and with that, your parents will know pretty soon that Tommy Shelby will have taken your virginity.

Tommy slept with you that night. The next morning, he engaged in a serious discussion with your father to ask him for your hand, something he accepted. So much the better because a few minutes later, your mother's screams rang out throughout the manor... She had just discovered that her daughter was no longer innocent.

Three months after losing your virginity, you became a Shelby. You had a sumptuous marriage, perhaps even more incredible than Grace, because this time, the two families got along pretty well. Mistrust was on the side of the Shelby family, they thought this story waq rather strange, it was going quite quicky… Linda complained to you, she didn't know how you could have fallen into Tommy's arms , “the poison of this family ", according to her, since she left Arthur. Ada was adorable. The rest of the family wasn't a problem, frankly, they liked to make fun of you but always kindly because they knew they would be dealing with Tommy. As for Polly, she did everything in her power to guess your intentions until she finally liked you. She liked your innocent side, you wouldn’t create problems and you were Catholic, so you were "perfect", according to her. She was the one who told you that you were going to have a baby boy.

Nine months after losing your virginity, you gave birth to a wonderful baby boy, as Polly predicted.

Subsequently, you had two more children, another boy and a girl. And in view of your young age, but also of your sexual activity with Thomas, the latter had no doubt about the possibility of the arrival of several other children… This didn’t change his love for his two eldest children, Ruby and Charles.

***

I hope you like your imagine, little anon ♡ (you asked me a lot of things, so I focused on the virginity and I hope it’s okay. Don’t hesitate to give me your feedback)

[srchng4answrs]

Absolution of sin isn’t easy. Every year in my Catholic high school they would bring in priests to listen to our confessions. We would sit in the auditorium an empty chair in between each person and one by one walk to the back of the auditorium where a man in vestments would sit ready to tell us that we are still God’s children. I never went.

“Before religion” isn’t a concept that exists for me. This is strange for many reasons, the primary being that my family is not religious in the slightest. We went to church out of obligation every Christmas and Easter, and stopped following that tradition when I was in 4th grade. I don't know what my mother thought I would gain from going to a religious school for 10 years.

Catholicism is the particular sect of Christianity that I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to reconcile with. The preaching of love and tolerance. The acts of service and the good deeds. Is it still a good deed if you’re doing it for personal gain?

Defender of Mankind. In Ancient Greek that's what the name Alexandria means. That's what My name means. I learned that at church. It’s ironic, the places that tell you you are meant to defend, are the same ones attacking. I wasn’t equipped to defend myself from the teachings of a group that I thought had my best interest at heart.

Eulogies in religious services are often delivered by the clergy member who is officiating the service. A religious eulogy will focus on the role of God and faith in the life of the person who died, rather than any secular accomplishments. I often write eulogies for people in my head. I have never once written something religious.

Father Sean was an odd man. Nothing against him but I wish he would stop sending me friend requests on Facebook.

Gabriel is a Hebrew name meaning “God is my strength”. He told Mary to not be afraid, but he was also the angel sent to destroy Jerusalem. Which one of those is real strength.

Half human, half divine. The manifestation of God in the flesh. How terrible it must’ve been to be crucified for telling the truth. To be needlessly slaughtered for the sake of people that want to see your organs fail as you slowly suffocate and bleed out. Father forgive them they do not know what they are doing.

I often wish I understood. I want to be able to walk into a church and feel god. I want to wear my Kairos cross without feeling like a liar. I don’t think religion was meant for people like me.

Jesus was not white. He didn’t have long flowing hair or a long beard. He was shorter than we think. Is it more disrespectful to put someone on a cross or to purposefully make their physical appearance more palatable for a racist audience.

Kairos may have been the closest I’ve ever been to experiencing god. For three days you sit in small groups and listen to people talk about their most traumatic experiences. Religious retreats are made to break you. To make you flood the earth with your tears. To make you turn to god because there’s no one else to turn to. I wish I could say with any level of certainty that my experience was real.

Love is such a funny idea. God “Loves” you. I still don’t understand the double standard of preaching love and then telling people they love wrong. I think there are bigger sins to worry about.

Matthew was a tax collector. One of the most sinful professions they lied, cheated, and stole from the poor. The Lord will not let the righteous go hungry, but will thwart the cravings of the wicked. I find “sinners” much more real than the righteous. At least sinners don’t go out of their way to tell everyone they sin.

No one in my philosophy of god class chose to walk away from Omelas. I remember it perfectly. You get to stay in a perfect city where everyone is happy, at the misfortune of one child. I spoke last. I would walk away. I still get chills thinking about it. I don't know why I made that choice.

Often my friends and I debate the existence of god. One philosopher said that you might as well because if you believe and god is real you gain everything, and if he isn't you lose nothing. But if you don't and he is real, you lose everything. We all know there's much more to religion than that. Simply believing in the omnipotent power that destroyed cities and flooded the earth has not, and will never be enough.

Prom was one of the most nerve wracking experiences of my life. I was the first person since my schools founding in 1957 to go to prom with someone of the same sex. That year three of my friends did the same. So much easier to just split the bill with a friend. I had to make a case for why I should be able to. Would the outcome have been different if I told them we were dating.

Questioning whether the omnipotent and all knowing being in the heavens that we cannot see, hear, smell, or touch is apparently against the rules. I got quite sick of the Lord’s Prayer.

Raining from the sky was blood. Thicker than water. Did it bring the people together or did it turn them against each other. The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. Blood can bring people together, but I’m not sure it can wash you clean.

Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed by sulfur and fire because of their wickedness. The two cities associated with homosexuality were burned to the ground. We have a history with fire. Fire cannot cleanse what isn’t dirty, but the ash will stain your hands for eternity.

Time stands still as I sit in the pews at my cousin's wedding. It seems like the hands on the clock are moving backwards. Instead of looking at them I stare at the sculpture of Jesus, crucified, blood coming out of his wounds, hanging roughly 10 feet above them. It isn’t alive. I’ve seen the same type of sculpture in a hundred different churches. But in this moment I can hear him gasping for breath. It was a beautiful service, I told her.

Uriel is the angel of repentance. In the Christian text the Apocalypse of Peter he is as pitiless as any demon. The devil himself was once an angel. What's the difference between angels and demons other than name.

Vanity was the reason the devil was cast from heaven. Born an angel and a king, free from sin he became proud of his beauty and intelligence and was struck down by God. I’m still unsure why he is considered the villain. Was it not God who leveled cities and murdered millions.

Without religion I’m unsure of what my life would look like. As hard as I try I cannot cleanly separate myself from it. Like a mouse stuck on a trap, when it gets free it either leaves its skin on the trap, or escapes covered in glue. I’m unsure if I can escape without leaving a part of myself behind, or taking something with me I did not ask for.

X appears 1,436 times in the King James version of the bible, but never at the start of the word. It is the only letter in the english alphabet that a verse does not start with.

Younger me used to enjoy church. I’m not sure why. I could never sit still, the sermons were boring, the pews were uncomfortable, and I couldn’t wait to go home. But without fail every Sunday I would wake up and get ready. I wish I could go back and tell myself that I don’t need to force myself into places I know I don't belong in order to be loved.

Zion shall be redeemed with judgment. I wonder if the same applies to me.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #455

“but you didn’t have to cut me off  /  make it like it never happened and that we were nothing”

Are you and the last person you kissed in a relationship or just friends? We're besties! :') Has anyone ever pointed out that your laugh was unusual? No. Would you get a lip piercing? I already have a vertical labret. I've considered getting spiked snakebites (they might be called devil bites?) too, though. With a vertical labret, it looks sick as FUCK. It might be a bit much too close together for me, though, idk. Nose piercing? I want my right nostril re-pierced. What are you currently waiting for? Girt to message me back. I've decided what I want out of our relationship and just want to see him. Do you have feelings for anyone? Hit me pretty hard through a lot of examination of my feelings that yeah, I do. Have you ever run over an animal? Oh my god no, I would be DESTROYED. Have you chewed gum after someone else already has? bro what the fuck When people sneeze do you say ‘bless you’? I do only out of expectation. I don't want someone to think I'm an ass or something for not saying it. When was the last time you were on a bouncy castle? A few years ago for my niece's birthday. She was scared of how loud it was and was very reluctant to get near it, so my fat ass got in there with everyone else to show her it was fine lol. I can't remember if she eventually got in. She loves them now, though. :') Have you ever went on a bouncy castle whilst drunk? No, but thanks for the idea, ha ha. Have you ever entered an art competition? Yes. What is one thing you will never do? Try hardcore drugs. What is one food that you detest? Asparagus. Did you have a rebellious phase growing up? Not really. What religion were you brought up with? Roman Catholic. Are you still that religion? GOD NO. Do you often find yourself questioning your future? That's my full-time job. How many friends do you have on Facebook? 124. What sort of music did you listen to when you were in high school? The same I listen to now. What pet names do you use with your significant other? I'm single rn, but usually, I go for "sweetie/sweetheart," "hunny," "love," "dear," stuff like that. What’s the name of the store you usually get your groceries? Wal-Mart. Have you ever seen a theatre show? Yes. What’s your favourite vegetable? Broccoli. Have you ever missed a flight? Yes. I was SO fuckin upset because it was on Sara's birthday and planned in secret, and I was supposed to wake her up. It still wound up being a big surprise to her when she walked into her room and I was chillin' at her desk, ha ha, but I still wish it coulda gone as originally planned. Do your neighbours have any pets? Have you ever met them? Yes; they have a yappy-ass dog that doesn't shut up. I haven't met them. What color is your bedroom door? White. If you were ever to become famous, would you grow annoyed at fans? This may sound very ungrateful, but I have heard A LOT of celebrities say it: it would get old, being stopped constantly in public for signatures, pictures, etc. Like yes, I still WOULD be grateful, but I'd miss just being off the radar and able to go outside carrying out chores and stuff like a normal person. Have you ever met your favourite band/singer? No. :( Are you embarrassed by any of the songs/singers/bands you like? Nah, not nowadays. Have you ever written a story? Yes, a kinda short one when I was little. Think of the last poem you wrote: What inspired you to write it? The breakup with Jason and the fact we're just strangers again. It was really short, but I like it a lot, honestly. Do you have a chance with the person you like right now? I think so. What’s the weirdest thing you were scared of as a child? A skeleton in my closet, lol. Literally. Are there any embarrassing stories your family tells about you? alkdsjflakjwle yes In your opinion, what is the funniest TV show? That '70s Show. 3rd Rock From the Sun is high up there, too. What is the maximum number of children you’d ever have? HYPOTHETICALLY, two, but I'm pretty damn serious about having none. I just always feel kinda bad for children without a sibling, but three would make me pull my hair out. Have you ever been concerned you had a serious illness? Yes. I overreact to even minor symptoms to ANYTHING. Are you comfortable with who you are? No. Pretty much everything about myself embarrasses me, even if it shouldn't. Would you date someone even if you knew you’d get made fun of for it? Yes? Others' opinions don't affect how I feel about someone. Does popularity matter to you at all? No, outside of trying to be a successful photographer. Would you ever consider homeschooling your children? If they really wanted that and it would benefit them, yes. Who told you about the band/singer you are currently listening to? I discovered them myself. Do you ever read fanfiction? Nah. Would you rather die in a plane crash, ship wreck or fire? Jesus. A plane crash, I guess, because in a lot of cases, it would be an immediate death. What are your top five favourite TV shows? Meerkat Manor, Fullmetal Alchemist (and Brotherhood; shut up, they go together), That '70s Show, Ginga Densetsu Weed, and Deadman Wonderland. What is your favorite superhero movie? Logan. If you died next week, what would be the cause of death? Uhhhh idk... I guess maybe a heart attack? Judging by doctor appointments, my heart is just fine, but the fact still remains that I'm technically obese, so that's always a risk. Have you ever taken a break from Facebook or other social media? Why? Facebook, yes. It was just depressing me. I was playing the comparison game REAL hard. Who is the most talented person you know? I dunno. I know many people talented in a lot of areas. Are you currently platonic friends with anyone you’ve had sex with? No. Where did you and your current interest go on your first date? Bowling. Have you ever experienced two people fighting over you (physically or mentally)? What happened? Jason and Juan pursued me at the same time. They'd known each other in the past, and Juan hated him for "winning" his ex-girlfriend. Then when Jason and I got together, Juan wasn't the happiest for sure. Have your parents ever thought you were gay? What happened? Before I actually came out as bisexual, I don't think so? Are your parents more liberal or conservative? Conservative. Mom is more open, but still conservative. I think. What year are you going into at the beginning of the next academic year? I'm not in school. How far away does your closest family member live? I live with Mom. If you’ve seen both, did you prefer the Disney version or the Tim Burton version of Alice in Wonderland? I actually strongly prefer Tim Burton's. Would you have sex before marriage? Why or why not? Yeah. I just want to be in a long-term, serious, healthy relationship to reach that point and be as safe as possible about it. Are you more liberal or conservative? Liberal, but I do have some conservative beliefs, too. Who is your favorite Harry Potter character? I don't have one, given I never got into that franchise. What’s the worst that could come out of letting gays marry? Not a goddamn thing. What’s the most sexual thing you’ve done? Done "the thing." Name something that you are against. I'll go with an unconventional one that's a problem as of the late: making owning reptiles illegal. Why are you against it? Because reptiles are perfectly capable of being brilliant pets and, most importantly, can tame people's fears of them. I think that it's very important to see the worth and beauty in all animals, and reptiles are one of the most unappreciated families out there. :/ Have you ever played the Tomb Raider games? I played some of either the first or second one. I could never beat it. Old games are hard, man. Do you like it or hate it when your partner is clingy? I absolutely believe that it can get to an extreme that I don't like, but for the most part, I don't mind a clingy partner because hey, I am too. Beatles or Rolling Stones? Stonessss. When was the last time you changed your opinion on somebody? It'd been on my mind for a while, but I *officially* realized that I really do like-like Girt a couple days ago. And since then it's gotten a bit hardcore and all I wanna do is talk to him bc fuck me and how attached to people I get. What was the last thing that made you feel proud and why? Every single time I go to the gym, I feel proud of myself because it REALLY takes a lot out of me. Do you feel uncomfortable when people you hardly know confide in you? Nope. I'm willing to be a shoulder to cry on for like... anyone. If you're hurting, talk to someone. I'll be there as an easy option. What was the last thing to fascinate you? It was... INCREDIBLY disturbing and almost nauseating even for me, but I saw a video of a dead whale explode. It was GRUESOME. Guts just kept coming and coming and coming and :x Is there a certain noise/sound which scares you? Hmmm... I'm sure there is, but what, it's not coming to me. Sudden, loud noises are an obvious answer. Do you have a favourite microorganism? ... No, I can't say I do. Out of the people you know, whose birthday is next? Girt's, actually. It's in October. If you have pet fish do you bother to name them? I did when I actually had them as a kid. Do you keep your eggs in the fridge? Ye. Have you ever owned chickens? No, but that'd be cool. Fresh eggs from a properly cared for chicken taste SO much better. When did you last listen to music? Currently. NOW I'm obsessed with Melodicka Bros & Violet Orlandi's cover of "Somebody That I Used to Know." It's done in a gothic metal style and is amaaaazing.

[shefanispeculator]

Gwen Stefani had begun working on new music before the lockdown hit, but says it was only when she brought up the idea of reintroducing herself to her collaborators that inspiration struck. “I'm not trying to force myself on anyone, and I'm not trying to have a comeback,” she says with a laugh. “I’m simply going to do some music without feeling defensive about it. Whoever likes me can listen. If you don't like it, you can actually say you don't like it! I don't care. I just want to put music out.”

After cutting a song in February with rising songwriter and producer Luke Niccoli (who’s worked with buzzy acts like Yves Tumor, Miya Folick, and Joji), Stefani was virtually introduced to pop hitmaker Ross Golan (Selena Gomez, The Chicks, P!nk), who suggested the trio write about exactly what the singer was feeling: a desire to remind people that she’s not just records collecting dust on your shelf.

“Let Me Reintroduce Myself,” released Monday, is a feel-good return to the ska/pop/reggae hybrid — record-scratching, horns, a walking bass line — that Stefani perfected during her time fronting No Doubt. Using her downtime in Oklahoma during the pandemic to dig back into ska’s roots, she immersed herself in the history of the genre, leading her to feel like now was the right moment to return to the sounds that first put her on the map 30 years ago. “All of the riots had happened, and I just started thinking so much about when I started loving music and why,” she says. “It was eighth grade when I learned about ska and Madness and the Selecter and all those bands that started to define the kind of music that I felt like I fit into; here I was, this Catholic girl from Anaheim doing reggae music! But that music was all about unity and anti-racism, and that was in the '70s. Then we were doing it in the '90s. And now here we are, again, in the same old mess.”

After the “Let Me Reintroduce Myself” writing session in late August (for which she later cut her vocals safely at the Los Angeles studio, the Village), Stefani began referring to Golan and Niccoli as her “song soulmates,” joining forces on a handful of other Zoom-born songs since then that will, if all goes according to plan, see the light of day some time in 2021. But for now, the No Doubt singer’s new track is a welcome return to form after five seasons judging The Voice, twice topping the country charts with fiance Blake Shelton, and building upon the success of her first-ever Christmas album, 2017’s You Make It Feel Like Christmas. “I just said, "I want to do some reggae,’” she remembers. “And it was just this weird full circle moment, because as soon as I started telling whoever I was going into the studio about that, they were so inspired too.”

In a call late last week, Stefani walked EW through returning to solo music, revisiting her back catalogue on the heels of Tragic Kingdom’s 25th anniversary, and how some of her biggest hits have gained new resonance in recent years.

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: How are you feeling knowing this song is about to come out? GWEN STEFANI: Under the circumstances, to be able to put out new music is just beyond a gift. Even if it wasn't a pandemic it would be exciting, but it's crazy with the pandemic, you know what I'm saying? I just didn't think it was going to come this year or that I'd be this lucky.

What was your headspace like as you went into writing and recording new solo material this year? Well, this is the deal: I haven't really put a record out in five years. That's a long time. I don't know how it went by so quickly. I would have loved to, but I was doing the Vegas show [Just a Girl] and that took up a lot of time. Before that, I toured the record before, [2016’s This Is What the Truth Feels Like], and the next thing you know, five years passed. I also was feeling like... "Does anyone really want to hear new music from me?" It's so much work to make new music, and I think about all the bands that I loved — I don't go looking for their new records. I just listen to the stuff that I liked in high school .

Somebody sent me a song called “When Loving Gets Old,” and I really loved it. Nobody sends me songs. Why doesn't anyone just send me, like, “Umbrella”? I got this song, I actually liked it. I went in to record it. The girl that sent it to me said, "They actually wrote this for you." And I was like, "Really? No wonder the lyrics feel so good. Why don't I write with them?” We wrote this song called “Cry Happy,” made up of all of these lyrics I’d written on my phone. We had this really great day, but I had to rush home to the kids. It's so different these days; you get there and you have to get home to cook dinner, so I didn't get to cut a demo. That was last February. And then we hit lockdown.

I spent a hundred days in Oklahoma, doing laundry and cooking. We had 15 people there. It was an incredible pause on life to be there at the ranch with the boys and just have this surreal lifestyle for a while, but nothing to do with the life included creating music or anything like that. But Blake happens to have a studio there and had to do some work and brought an engineer in. So I recorded the vocals on “Cry Happy,” and that was like lighting a match to a wildfire because I was like, “My god, I’ve got to do music."

You felt inspiration again? I felt all kinds of inspirations and ideas. It's like God saying, "You’ve got to do this now." When I get that urgency, you can't stop me. I'm like, “I’ve got to go write songs. That's what I need right now. And I don't even care if anyone hears them, or if they think they suck, I'm doing it, now.”

When I got back to L.A., I went into the studio. Everything was plastic-guarded. You get your temperature taken. Everybody's wearing masks. By then, all of the riots had happened. I started to go back and investigate ska and reggae, and I found all these documentaries about how ska was born in the 1960s, how that was linked to the Jubilee when Jamaica was being freed from England. Starting No Doubt, we were the third-wave imitating the 1960s.Then I found this documentary on a school in Jamaica called the Alpha Boys School, which was run by Catholic nuns. There's this little white Catholic nun called Sister Mary Ignatius Davies who helped nurture reggae music. You can see all these pictures of her with these little boys and they're learning these brass instruments. The first ska band that was ever born was these kids out of Alpha Boys School, the Skatalites. No Doubt used to listen to them. Doing my research, it all just felt so full-circle.

So this music was born out of that. I wanted to go back and make something that was joyful and back to my roots, where it all started. [Pre-pandemic] I’d been in the studio with Luke Niccoli and he's the one that said you really should work with my friend Ross, who turned out to be someone who really gets my sarcasm, and the fun side of my lyrics. We really hit it off.

With Luke, we taught each other a lot, especially when it came to ska and reggae, because I kept saying, "Dude, no, listen to Sublime. It has to have scratching in it. It has to be '90s." So he was discovering all this stuff that he didn't know, but bringing his technology and youth to the sound. It was a perfect kind of combination between the three of us. And we wrote a bunch of songs together and I know we're going to write more.

Lyrically, “Let Me Reintroduce Myself” addresses the idea of people thinking of you as a relic. Is that how you feel? At the beginning of this process, I feel like I had to make excuses for why I wanted to make new music. I felt like people were going to judge me and be like, "Well, you're like super old. Why would you even want to?" This is just how my brain works. Anyone would, you know what I mean? Everybody has their own fears or insecurities.

Ross’s reaction was [for us to incorporate] a way of saying, “Well, I haven't really gone anywhere if you really think about it.” I just had a No. 1 hit on [country] radio ["Nobody But You"] — two of them actually, because the next one's ["Happy Anywhere"] going to go No. 1 soon [Editor’s note: it did, 24 hours after our call]. We were just trying to say I haven't really gone anywhere. I'm still doing the same thing. I still wear the same kind of stuff that I've always worn. It's just an evolution.

“Let Me Reintroduce Myself” references your past, lyrically and visually. Some artists are really loath to look backwards, but you seem extremely willing to. Why is that? Five years ago, when my life blew up in my face, there was a lot of looking back. Music has always been a really amazing place to pour my heart and emotions into. It's like therapy.

When I was offered to do the Vegas show — a huge milestone for me — it was very reflective. I think it's an incredible thing to put out new music and have your sound evolve, whether it be through the No Doubt years or the three solo records I did. The first solo record [2004’s Love. Angel. Music. Baby.] was very much a dance record — that was the pop music when I was in high school that I wasn't into, but was the backdrop of my life. Back then, I said, "You know what? I want to try to make that kind of music. I want a dance song." It was so incredible to be able to work with all the talented people that I did and have such a different kind of sound like that, which made me want to do the second record, [2007’s The Sweet Escape].

The third solo record was not born in the same way. It didn't have a reference for the production. It was just, “How do I get through this time in my life? I've got to write these songs. I don't care how they're dressed up sonically. It's just getting them out.” During the process of doing that, I fall in love and I'm writing a song about my life basically being over and then starting to fall in love at the same time, all with one album.

After that, it was like, how do I evolve? When you do a new record, usually everything comes with that: the tour, the merch, the vibe. But when you're doing a Vegas show, you don't have a new song. You don't have anything new. How do you create a show around everything you've done? So there was a lot of looking back and thinking about, “How do I make this feel super nostalgic? How do I make this feel like, when everyone's coming from around the whole world to see me in this room, we have this common story, and that these songs were the backdrop to our lives?”

This year marked the 25th anniversary of No Doubt’s Tragic Kingdom. How has that record changed meaning for you over the years? I don't really like anniversaries. I don't really celebrate like, “Oh, I wore that in 1995. Now it's 10 years later, woo!” But then when it actually happened and I started seeing everyone posting and seeing all the stuff that we had done — things I don't remember, until I see the image — I was just overwhelmed, like, "Oh my god, we did that?" It was a really emotional couple of days. I really enjoyed hearing just how much that record impacted people. It really is truly mind-blowing to me that I get to do music, let alone to be part of people's lives in that way. It's hard to wrap my head around it.

I'm really proud of Tragic Kingdom. It was a very weird album. I was so naive. I didn't even know how to write a song. I don't know how I wrote those songs because I didn’t know anything back then. But doing the Vegas show was a really reflective time, because doing a song like “Just a Girl” every night felt more relevant than ever, especially in the last couple of years with the rise of the #MeToo movement. It feels like history repeating itself. We've come far, but we haven't. I always thought that I would outgrow that song and be a woman and not be able to sing the words “I'm just a girl” anymore, but it felt more relevant than it ever felt in my whole life. It was bizarre.

[nikkzwrites]

The Girl I Left Behind | Peaky Blinders Fic | Thomas Shelby x OFC | Chapter 2

A/N: So this is a story of a Scottish Mobster named Elspeth Finley and her adventures with and becoming a Shelby.

Content Warning: Smoking, Alcohol, Canon Typical Behavior, Canon Typical Triggers

Words: ~3.7k

[First Chapter] [Next Chapter]

Campbell was working at his desk when a young woman walked in. Her auburn hair curled nicely and wearing an outfit he would not have expected from this type of area. He stood up and cleared his throat. He motioned to the chair for her to sit. He watched as she gently made herself comfortable. She seemed to embody poise and elegance, yet with a slight playful air to her. He felt drawn to what she was to say. “So,” the man cleared his throat, “What brings you here?”

Elspeth smiled at the man and leaned forward, “I heard through the grapevine you were working with Thomas Shelby to lure out the IRA. I believe I might have a better way to help you.”

Maggie giggled as John swung her around the shop. She reached up to press his forehead against her’s. Her blonde hair tickling his skin as she asked him, “How did you convince my hard headed sister to allow us to get married?”

“I don’t quite know to be honest,” John shook his head as he grabbed a bit of whiskey from Seumas Finley’s desk, “One minute I thought she was going to decline and have me kicked out just as you said, then she looked at your Archie and he said he saw nothing wrong with it.”

Maggie shook her head, “Did she very well say anything?”

John shook his head as he took a large gulp from the bottle, “I don’t think so, but I did hear from Thomas that he needed to talk to your family about the arrangements. I assume Archibald, yeah?”

Maggie raised her brow, “Archie?”

John nodded, “Is it not going to be Archibald? He seems to be the one who is in charge.”

Elspeth sat across from Thomas at the Garrison looking over paperwork. The woman spoke up, “You still haven’t asked about the dowry or more about the marriage agreements.” She put her pen down from addressing and writing invitations. She sat back and looked at Thomas expectantly.

“A bit archaic,” Thomas commented without looking up. His voice holding just a bit of playfulness. He also placed his pen down to take a sip of his whiskey. His eyes tried to avoid hers so that he could not have a moment of visual weakness. Thomas knew he needed time to be able to look at her without his thoughts written in his icy orbs. He looked over to Elspeth’s work and commented, “your penmanship is beautiful. Wouldn’t have expected that from you.”

“I went to finishing school, you know,” Elspeth remarked back. Her voice showed her aggravation at Thomas’ teasing. She scolded him, “You act too familiar for someone who hasn’t been acquainted with me for nearly two decades.”

Thomas chuckled and sat back to finally look her over again, “graduated finishing school, yet still no husband at your age? Such a disappointment and a waste of precious schooling.” He chuckled and smirked at her. Thomas wanted her just as emotionally compromised as him when they first made eye contact again. So that she had nothing over him when their eyes met.

Elspeth rolled her eyes, “Am I to assume you are going to talk that business with my brother then?”

Thomas hummed a positive and placed his glass down. “Why would I bore you with such business when it is for Archibald and I to discuss,” he asked as he lit a cigarette for him to smoke.

Elspeth waited for him to take a large puff in before she gently stole the cigarette from its resting place on his lips and took in a deep drag. She placed it back where she found it and sat back again. She asked, “Why would you join me in doing such tedious work when it’s customary for your sister to join me? One might say, something for Ada and I to do.”

Thomas took the cigarette from his lips after taking in another breath from it and placed it on the tray to smoke up the room, “I have the better handwriting.” He chuckled and said, “Besides, our sweet Ada has four brothers and no sisters. It would be unfair to expect her to write them all the time.”

“Well, at least now all of you can ask darling Maggie to write as well,”  Elspeth noted, “So your Ada could have perfectly helped me. Or maybe your aunt could have done this with me instead if Ada didn’t want.”

Thomas gave a slight nod and went back to his work, “I guess you could say that I volunteered so that I could have some pleasant company and soft features to admire this evening. I did have a matter I wanted to discuss with you.”

“Oh,” the woman questioned.

“About our speeches,” Thomas noted, “I am to assume you are her maid of honor?”

Elspeth nodded, “Well, of course, I am her closest sister. What was it about our speeches?”

Thomas squashed the cigarette to stop the smoke as he spoke, “I thought we could coordinate our speeches. Make them and the wishes the same to show solidarity in the families and this union becoming a symbol of peace.”

Elspeth smiled. Her heart raced in excitement and anxiety. He had fallen for the trap beautifully and was even making everything more convenient for her, “Oh? What were you thinking of wishing for the couple?” 

Ada and Aunt Pol played their cards as they waited for the boys to get home. They were both getting wrapped into this wedding as well. They had only met Maggie for a few minutes, but already the women of the Shelby family had some very strong opinions about the entire situation.

“You said that the little blonde one John is hitching is the sister of that little Finley girl Thomas couldn’t shut up about for years,” Polly asked.

Ada nodded, “Yup. Exactly what I said.”

Polly nodded, “And Thomas is just… okay with John marrying into that family?” She took a deep breath with her cigarette.

“From what it seems at least,” Ada drew and placed another card down, “I think he was out writing up the invitations with her, Elspeth.”

Polly shook her head, “I’m sure he is up to no good about this.”

“Wouldn’t be Thomas if he wasn’t,” Ada remarked.

The elder woman shook her head, “The little blonde one-”

“Maggie.”

 “-doesn’t seem to have an ounce of what it takes to be married into these boys and their work. Too soft and sweet, that one,” Polly finished her comment. There was a moment before the matriarch of the Shelbys spoke again. She rolled her eyes and asked, “They are Scots, right? Protestant or Catholic?”

Ada shrugged, “I don’t know if they celebrate. The older ones don’t seem to be religious folks.”

Polly shook her head, “Of course.”

“I actually really like Maggie,” Ada commented, “She seems like she would be a good mother for John’s little ones. Lord knows we’re tired of them.” She laughed.

Polly laughed, “Maybe her sister will come and help her so that we can have more of a break as well.”

Seumas stood with Archibald at their bar. He rolled his eyes and asked, “So, are you sure Elsie agreed to all of this? If I know anything about my twin, she would not want-”

Archibald glared at his younger brother, “You forget Seumas, it is for me and Elspeth to speak about. You need not worry to what we decide.”

“But what about Thom-”

“I said,” his voice raised, “It is for our sister and I discuss. You need not to bother yourself with such matters. Just find yourself a wife. You had some years to do so. Our sister gave up those years for you and you repay her with meddling in her and I’s affairs.”

“You forget, I was the head of the household while you were gone and she is my twin sister not yours Archie,” Seumas argued, “I know more about our family and our sisters’ hearts than you do.”

Archibald yelled, “If you knew our dear sister’s heart, then you would have stopped her five years ago, but you are nothing but a coward to preys upon her sympathies and love for the man who shared her mother’s womb for the same time she did!”

Seumas yelled, “She chose that for herself, not me! She threw herself into the fire so that our siblings could have a chance! What was our family going to do with just a 22 year old girl to raise three children!? How was she going to protect them by herself?”

“The same way she protected herself when she was alone in both France and Germany,” Archibald roared, “Our sister is made of hellfire. Don’t you dare ask me how Elsie would have managed! You just didn’t love her enough!”

“And you love no one else but her,” Seumas growled back, ”she and I share a soul and you just cannot stand that can you? You despise that I can know exactly what she is thinking and you just have to be along for the ride. Elspeth and I saved our family from ruin in every sense of the word while you ran off to play good little soldier for a King who isn’t even ours.”

Elspeth smiled as she did her sister’s hair, “You look absolutely beautiful. Tonight everyone’s eyes will have a hard time parting from you.”

“I just want my John,” Maggie giggled as she did her younger sister’s hair, “Thank you for preparing all of this. I know it must be very...awkward… to have the reception before the wedding.”

Elspeth shook her head, “I just want my closest sister happy.” She held her sister tightly trying to calm herself. She kissed her sister’s head. Elsie whispered into her sister’s golden hair, “Anything for you, my darling.”

Lucy huffed from the front of the sisters doing each other’s hair train and mumbled, “I’m here too you know.” This prompted the older two to laugh as they all held each other close.

Thomas knocked on John’s door. The man’s brother was already drinking and laughing with their eldest brother. Thomas sighed and asked, “Do you really think this is the best way to present yourself for marriage to your refined bride?”

John laughed, “You are so attached to this.”

“Maybe because he thinks after this he can scoop up her older sister that he’s been waiting fifteen years,” Arthur laughed.

Thomas mumbled, “Seventeen.” He cleared his throat, “But my relation to the situation is irrelevant.”

John stood and walked past his brother with a smirk, “Besides, Maggie likes me rowdy.” He winked and walked to the Finley’s with the rest of his family trailing behind.

Ada walked with Thomas asking him, “You aren’t planning anything, are you? I do know that you had your heart set on her sister for a long time.”

“That was years ago Ada,” Thomas told his sister, “I wish that everyone would let it die.” He entered the bar with his siblings to see the Finley siblings. Maggie ran straight to her future husband to be swung around happily. His own blue eyes found their way to the future bride’s older sister. A small smile grew on his face seeing the woman wishing his younger brother well as well as making the introductions of her own youngest siblings to his own. Finn and her youngest sister were right around the ages that he and the oldest Finley girl had met. He recognized the looks on their faces quite well. 

Ada leaned to whisper into her brother’s ear, “That look on your face means your feelings haven’t quite died so why should we let the topic die with it?”

Lucy tilted her head looking at Finn Shelby. He was such a cute boy. She smiled and told him, “You’re my boyfriend now.”

Finn blinked and shook his head, “No way. That’s gross.” He tried to stand tall to be intimidating like his older brothers, but he watched her face change to one of disappointment. He blushed and huffed, “Fine. Whatever you want.”

Lucy giggled and grabbed his hand, “Well then, come on. I want to introduce you to my cousins. They are here from Ireland.” She ran off with the boy.

Elspeth smiled seeing Lucy and Finn. She walked further in and spoke with some of her family members that she had purposely invited knowing they were IRA. The familiar feeling of a pair of eyes on her tingled her neck. She smiled and moved to talk to the older brother of the pair of eyes staring at her.

Thomas spoke with some of his own friends while his eyes never left the woman he had met so long ago. When he spied her talking to Arthur, Thomas excused himself from the conversation to start walking towards them. He was unfortunately stopped by the announcement made by Archibald Finley.

Archibald smiled as he stood on a chair. He called out loudly over everyone’s conversations, “Excuse me everyone! It seems to me that dinner is ready. So everyone find your seats and we can get started.”

As the dinner started, John whispered to his soon to be wife. He adored watching her face blush as he playfully joked about their families and making suggestive comments. He felt as though this was going to be the best day of his life. Arthur laughed and reminisced with Archibald about their little siblings. Archibald seemed to be shifting awkwardly and spoke very decidedly. Seumas noticing this, interrupted and started to tell some funny childhood stories of Maggie as well. Edward and Lucy argued as Finn looked pleadingly at Ada to save him from the hot headed Scots. Ada, however, was speaking to some of the Finley cousins. Thomas carefully drank from his whiskey. He noticed something off. Elspeth looked far different from how she was with him earlier. There was something beneath the surface that she was hiding. When she made a small giggle, his brain connected it to the woman he saw in France. But that was in the middle of the war. How could Elspeth be there? Polly sat back and simply watched everyone else. She started to have a very bad feeling about this. Something in the back of her mind screamed at her that this wasn’t going to work out as everyone was hoping. 

After everyone was nearly done, Seumas stood up and spoke, “Now let’s hear from the best man, Thomas Shelby!”

Thomas stood and held up his glass. His refined speech making voice emerged as he spoke, “I would like to take this time to make a toast to the bride and to the groom. From your brother who will always be by your side. To your union and the hope you provide, may you always be satisfied.” He held up his glass higher and waited for the cheers before taking a gulp down. He motioned and said, “And now for the Maid of Honor, Elspeth Finley.”

Elspeth smiled. Her face lit up completely. The woman stood on top of the table, “Thank you so much. I too would like to make a toast.” She strolled across to the head of the table where John and Maggie sat, “To the groom!” She smiled and laughed with John. She then pulled her younger sister up onto the table so that they could spin together for a second, “To the bride! From your sister who’s always by your side!” Elspeth pushed her sister into John’s lap as she yelled, holding her glass up to everyone else now, “To the union and the hope you provide!” She waited for the roar from the Blinders and Banshees to calm before she continued with her eyes locked into direct contact with Thomas’. Her voice was much more restrained as if speaking to only Thomas, “May you always be satisfied.” She raised her glass higher.

Just as the glass touched her lips, pounding on the doors disturbed everyone. Quickly, the doors were broken down and cops flooded in. Campbell smiled and said, “Thank you, Thomas.” He turned and said, “Arrest the traitors.”

Suddenly everyone jumped into action. Seumas placed his sister off the table as Archibald yelled over the full out brawl the Banshees and Blinders were having with the cops, “What’s going on?”

Elspeth looked at her little brother and spoke, “Get the lovebirds and the Shelby’s outta here.” She turned to go with her older brothers to try and work everything out and to stop the fighting.

“Yessir,” Edward spoke. He hopped on the table and started to dodge the blows coming from all directions. He herded the Shelby’s and got them through the secret hall out to the back. He pushed Maggie and John through first. Then watched Lucy drag Finn and Ada after them. Edward got Arthur to go next and grabbed onto Polly to guide her through leaving Thomas, Elsie, Seumas, and Archibald behind.

Maggie looked panicked at John and asked, “What’s going on? I thought your brother had a deal with them?”

Polly stared as people started to pour out of the building. She watched as the older three Finley’s emerged from the same secret exit they went through. Thomas getting dragged out by Seumas.

John stormed to Thomas and pulled him up, “What the hell Tommy!”

Edward ran up to his oldest siblings who were counting heads and spoke, “Everyone is accounted for. We were just waiting for you four.”

“What are you blaming me for,” Thomas asked his brother, pushing himself away.

Arthur tried to get in the middle of his younger brothers, “Tommy. I don’t think now is the best time…”

“I KNOW you did this,” John roared, trying to push past Arthur to get to Thomas. He grabbed his brother by his collar and pulled him towards his face, “You addressed those invitations just to find out the guest list! You allowed us all to think you were alright with this just to get ahead!”

As John roared, a fire engulfed the building they were all once in. Everyone gasped watching it go into flames. John let go of Thomas again to watch this. He rushed to Maggie’s side to hold her close to him. Elspeth stood closest to the fire. Large tears rolled down her face. She turned with a smile painted across her face despite her crying, “At least everyone is okay and we can still do this tomorrow.”

John shook his head, “I don’t think I can allow my family to become attached to yours. Everything my family touches becomes ruin.” His eyes glared at Thomas. He bowed his head at the eldest Finleys and kissed Maggie’s head one last time for the night, “I’m sorry.” He stormed away with Arthur and Finn calling after him.

Maggie cried as she ran into Seumas’ arms. She clung onto her older brother. Seumas looked up at Archibald who had scooped up Lucy to comfort her. Elsie’s twin spoke to his older brother who was now holding Edward’s hand, “Let’s get the younger ones somewhere safe.”

Polly spoke up and said, “Ada and I can take you in. Please. It is the least we can do considering.”

Archibald bowed his head, “Thank you. We shouldn’t be too much of a bother. We should be moving on soon.” The two eldest brothers followed the two Shelby women with their younger siblings clinging onto them.

Elspeth had since turned back to watch the fire. Tears still streaming down her face. Her expression completely stone. 

Thomas slowly approached her and spoke sorrowfully, “I promise I had nothing to do with this. I will get to the bottom of it.” His hand traced the exposed part of her arm between her gloves and dress.

Elspeth shook her head and laughed. Her chest ached from laughter. She turned to face him. Her eyes still watering as she laughed. Her fingers ran through her hair. “I know you didn’t do this Thomas,” She smiled through her tears. The woman motioned to the burning building, “I know because I did this. Next time, don’t underestimate me, my leadership, or my Banshees.” She looked back at the fire and spoke again, “We were going to London soon anyway. This was just one minor inconvenience as the expense of dragging you down.” Elspeth turned to follow her family but whispered to him before she left, “You really need to catch up, Mr. Shelby. Keep climbing. I am so far past Kimber. Let’s see if you can do it.” 

Thomas knew he should have been angry. He could feel rage wanting to bubble up inside of him, but for some reason, he couldn’t allow it to take over him. She had outsmarted him and he could see on her face the same face of all the soldiers who didn’t come home from France. She was like the rest of them. Still at war. Despite what she told him, He knew she burnt her home for the warmth of it, to feel as if she could calm, be in control of something, and to be free of it. He felt kinship with her once again. His heart aflame. He knew he shouldn’t, but he allowed her to slip from his fingers again. He stood there unable to speak. As he watched her leave, he felt as if this was nothing more than an invitation to play her game. A game of cat and mouse. Next time, he’s going to be the cat and maybe, he could catch her genuinely impressed and enraptured by him just as he was her now.

Elspeth walked away from the man. When the woman was finally alone in the dark wet cobblestone streets, she sobbed. Only when there were no eyes to spy her and possibly report back. The woman took the moment to allow her weakness through. Only when she was alone. She had won, but at what cost. Her dear sister’s happiness? She just ruined potentially true love, for what? To prove something to a man who didn’t even love her nor lived up to her expectations? Yet still, his blue eyes haunted her.