#written to someone so significant i cant put it into words

[asphodelpoetry]

there is little light

that doesn’t grace you.

two universal ends,

one red string to tie

before we become bound

to the earth above

and dreams below

lovely as the wind that blows

your hair knots and tangles;

breathe easy, dear,

as there is little light

that doesn’t kiss the tips of your soul

sand covers my eyes, seared into glass

when your rays find my dreaming soul

burning, exploding, faintly loved

my strings tie me to you.

to your gaze, your glow

hair tangling in chilly wind,

warmth pouring over you

breathe easy, my love,

as there is little light

that holds your life tight,

but doesn’t burn me to glass

[eggplantmaniac420]

so get this. its my day off. im just sitting in my house and for some reason i get the urge to look at my ducks. and as im looking something's really nagging at me. i suddenly realize they're not in a row. i dont know if they were always like that or if something knocked them out of the way or something. it doesnt matter. so im just sitting there like "shit, people are always saying its good to get those in a row." its my day off so of course i dont want to do it. i try to sit down and watch some movies but i cant stop thinking about. its pissing me off so bad i can barely concentrate. so i get up from the sofa and i start putting my ducks in a row. shit takes me hours. you wouldnt believe how how many ducks there were. do you have any idea how hard it is to get a single duck in row? let alone a fuckin flock of them? after a few hours my fuckin muscles are feeling weak, my bones are sore. im dreaming about a nice chicken dinner when im done with all this shit. thats how tired fucking tired i was. so fuckin beat i was dreaming about a chicken dinner. jesus christ. so i pick up the last duck, sighing with relief, and im about to put it in the row, when out of the corner of my eye i notice something on the bottom of the duck. im like what the fuckin shit is that. so i turn the duck over and there's a tiny little sticker. smallest shit you ever seen in your life. i get out my magnifying glass and start reading the fucker. right there, on the ass end of the duck, in print so fine a particularly quick amoeba could cross its width in a millisecond, written in an offensively inscrutable font, are the words "WARNING: WARRANTY VOID IF ALL DUCKS ARE PUT IN A ROW"

yeah.

......... you might think i would be angry, but honestly i mostly just felt defeated. for a minute it seemed like all the air got sucked out of the room. all that work. for jack shit. i tried to bargain with myself that the maybe warranty wasn't actually that important but it was no use. i just couldn't help but think about my sister. she had all her little ducks in a row, and everything was dandy, at least for for a while. then one day - it was on new year's eve 1997 - a drunk driver coming home from a party struck a patch of ice. the driver swerved off an embankment, sending the car crashing through my sister's living room wall. one of her ducks was found crushed under the front left wheel. the duck was rushed to the hospital, but it was critically injured and never recovered. the duck spent 4 years in a vegetative stage, racking up millions of dollars in medical bills before finally succumbing to an infection caused by an improperly cleaned feeding tube. all the trauma and the debt and shit really ate away at her. she was down a duck too, and even if she wanted a new one she couldn't afford it what with all the debt. and when she called up the duck people about her duck insurance the first thing they asked was did she put them in a row. the fuckers. i think maybe that made her feel like she was responsible for their death because she was the one who put them where she did, which also meant she felt she was responsible for every terrible thing that had suddenly befallen their little family. i tried to get her to see a psych or something but she just wouldnt go no matter how much i begged. then last october she just disappeared one day out of nowhere. when the police searched her house it was nearly empty. turns out she had sold most of her possessions in the preceding weeks. the only things she seems to have taken with her were her clothes and some toiletries. they found her driver's license completely melted in the firepit outback. practically the only significant thing that she left behind were her ducks. they were still arranged in same row that they had been in since before the accident. i wish i could have taken them in, but its impossible for someone to take another person's ducks. sure sometimes you can borrow them, if you've got permission that is. but taking them into your own home? it cant be done. it's been more than a year now since she left and we still haven't heard a peep from her. i just hope she decides to come back while ma and pa still have some time left. you can imagine how they took it.

anyway, to get back to what i was saying earlier, what could i do? i wasn't about to violate the warranty. i knew what might happen. maybe i coulda just left the last duck out of the row but that somehow seemed in violation of the spirit of the thing to me, and let me tell ya, you do not want to fuck with the spirt of the thing. so, i did not only what i had to do, but i also what felt right to me. that's the only way to really keep your hands clean. i took my ducks out of a row. by the end of it i damn near passed out on the floor. the ducks weren't too happy about being moved around so much, but hey, i wasnt too happy about it neither. i was too tired to feel empathy anyway. so afterwards i lay down in bed and im abou to fall asle- oh hey look, here comes the waiter. do you know what you're gonna order? oh yeah? that sounds real tasty, bud. huh? me? well i think i could go for a chicken dinner myself, ive been working up a pretty big appetite. by the way, did you see the tonights special? have a look at the sign! its duck a l'orange! you think they put em' in a row back there?!?!? HAAAAAAAAAAhaaaaaahaaaahahahaaaaaa

[gayaristocrat]

I Got Everything I wanted...

Episode 1: Filmed Before a Live Studio Audience...

Pairing: Vision x Male Reader

Taglist: N/A

‼️Authors Note‼️: I'm finally at a point where I can write this story. I know that It is long overdue, so I hope this can make up for it. This story is going to be breaking the 4th wall a lot since they tend to do that in the actual show. Also, please let me know in my Inbox/Askbox if you would like to be tagged every time I upload a story to this series. While reading this, you may realize that it seems rushed, and that's because it was. I wanted to put this out as soon as I possibly could. Also since you guys voted that I just divide it up into parts for you to read. I will be uploading part 2 whenever I am able to.

Summary: (Male Name) and Vision struggle to conceal their powers during dinner with Vision's boss and his wife

Time Period: 1956 (So everything in this chapter is going to be colorless and in black and white)

Word count: 4k+

Word Key:

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Have you ever dreamed of living the life you always wanted? Have you ever dreamed of something so bad to the point where you would do anything to get it. Have you ever dreamed of something so bad to the point where all of your care for others went out the window? Have you ever dreamed of wanting something so bad to the point where you would stop anyone who gets in your way.

"(Male Name), I love you so much. Please don't do this, cant you see that everyone is hurting, that everyone is in so much pain?"

"I'm sorry Vision, but I can't. I can't loose you...not again. I never meant for things to be this way, but now I can't go back. Not without you"

---REWIND MANY EPISODES BACK---

For a second, everything is black. The TV clicks on and a burst of grey static illuminates the screen. Everything is black and white, not a single drop of color is in the area. A happily little tune starts playing as a colorless 1956 Buick Special drives up a tiny hill and back down past a sign which says 'Speed Limit 35'. The camera angle changes to the back of the car, showing a banner above the license plate, 'Just Married'. Next, the camera cuts to us, (Male Name) and Vision, newlywed husbands.

It finally happened, we finally got married! Both of us turn take a quick look and smile at each other with nothing but love and glee, it seemed like nothing could go wrong in this moment.

🎵Oh~

A newlywed couple just moved into town,

A regular husband and husband,🎵

Vision turns his head back to the road and continues driving until we turn down a happy little neighborhood. Each house on the street has a pattern of different color greys with black roofs, their yards decorated with equally bland colorless flowers and grass. Children playing outside, and adults chatting with one another while they tend to their gardens, or while walking their dogs. Everyone is just so cheery and happy, even the mailman waves at us as we pass him. Everything is exactly the way it's supposed to be, perfect.

🎵Who left the big city,

To find a quiet life,

(Male Name)Vision!🎵

Vision drives into the driveway of our new home. We quickly hop out of the car and approach the house, but before we walk in I take notice of the 'For Sale' sign still in the yard. I quickly flick my hand and use my magic to change the sign to 'Sold'. After that I dust my hands off with a proud smile on my face as Vision scoops me in his arms bridal style, opens the front door, and carries me inside. I flick my wrist again and the front door closes and locks as we both move to the Livingroom of our already decorated 2 story home.

🎵He's a magical boy,

In a small town locale

And a hubby who's part machine,

How will this duo fit in and pull through?🎵

Once Vision puts me back on my feet, we start swaying with the jingle playing in the background while title cards pop up of written words that I don't care to read right now since I'm too busy enjoying this happy moment with my new husband. Vision then gives me a little twirl before wrapping his arms around my waist as we both dip into a loving heartfelt kiss.

🎵Oh, by sharing a love,

Like you've never seen

(Male Name)Vision!🎵

---SCENE CHANGE---

The scene suddenly changes as the lights flick on and cameras start rolling. You start the scene off by walking into the kitchen and start making your way to one of the grey drawers next to the oven and you grab one of your favorite aprons. Humming a little tune, you wrap the white cloth around your waist and start observing the kitchen to see what needs to be picked up or cleaned. Deciding to work on putting up the dishes, you raise your hand and the newly cleaned plates start levitating off of the counters and float off to the display racks, you then raise your other hand and a dark colored dish cloth floats out of the cabinet and it begins drying a glass cup. You then turn your back to the cup to observe if it had been cleaned good enough, suddenly you jump as a loud crash echoes through out the kitchen. Turn to see what the problem is, you only to find Vision looking up from today's news paper and glances at the shattered plate at the ground while a laughing crown erupts out of nowhere.

"My husband and his flying saucers" He says in his thick English accent (or is it British🤔), with a joking tone.

"My husband and his indestructible head" I reply back in the same tone as another laugh erupts from the crowd.

He then folds his newspaper and walked over to your direction, giving you a kiss on the cheek when he arrived, causing you to chuckle while twirling your finger, making the plate form back to it's original round shape before it floats off to it's designated spot.

"Vision, honey, what do you say to silver dollar pancakes, crispy hash browns, bacon, eggs, freshly squeezed orang juice and black coffee?" You say while walking over to the refrigerator, opening it and bending down, getting ready to grab out everything needed to make the meal for him.

"I'd say 'Oh, I don't eat food' " He says smiling at me, while the crown laughs again.

You look inside the fridge and hum to yourself in surprise while putting all the pieces together in your head before saying "Well, that explains the empty refrigerator then"

"(Male Name), my darling. Is there something special about today?"

"Well, I know the apron is a bit much dear, but I'm doing my best to blend in and have the 'Perfect House Husband' look." You say walking to meet him, assuming he's talking about the apron.

"No no, you don't have to try, you already are the perfect house husband." He says as he lightly grabs your chin with his pointer finger and thumb and lightly giving you a 'boop' on the nose. "But I was referring to the calendar. Someone's drawn a heart right above today's date." You then looked at him as you cluelessly try to figure out what he's talking about, so he puts his hands on your shoulders and turns you around to face the calendar behind you and he rests his chin on your head as you both look at the heart.

Trying to act like you know what day it is, you say "Well...d..dont tell me you've forgotten Vis?"

"Oh silly (y/n), I'm incapable of forgetfulness. I remember everything. That's not an exaggeration. In fact, I'm even incapable of exaggeration" He rambles boastfully.

"Hmm, well then if that's true, then maybe you can tell me what's so important about today's date"

He pauses for a second and thinks before he blows a slow puff of air out of his mouth, then deciding on saying "Uhhh...what was the question again? Oh well, no matter, perhaps you've forgotten yourself"

"Me? Heavens, no, haha. I've been so looking forward to it."

You both have actually been looking forward to day. Today you are celebrating...The first time you...uhhh...have ever celebrated this occasion before. It's a special day indeed, perhaps an evening?...of great significance?...to you both, naturally.. obviously...exactly! Well done for the both of you.

You two ramble on for a few more minutes trying to drill the other into spilling on what was so special about today, but you two couldn't since you were both obviously unknowing about it, then Vision remembered something.

"Well, sorry darling, that's me off to work, then." Vison says fixing his grey suit jacket and grabbing his suitcase walking to the front door. You quickly grab his hat hanging on the coat rack and place it on his head, fixing it to make it look straight.

"Also don't forget-"

"(Male Name), my dear how many times do I have to tell you I don't forg- oh you mean my face right?"

You nod letting him know that was what you were getting at. The audience laughs again as he quickly shakes his head and his face and hands transform from cold metal to warm flesh. Vision then puts his palm to his face and pretends to blow you a kiss, while you play along and pretend to catch it and put it over your heart.

Once he leaves out the door, you lock it a return to the kitchen, and make your way to the calendar, chewing on your polished nails (if you don't want nail polish then skip that part) as you try to remember the symbolism of the heart. Not even a second later your thoughts get interrupted as a loud knock at the door startles you back to 'reality'.

Going to go see who it is, you push the door that separates the living room and the kitchen, closer to the knocking. You quickly open the door and see a woman with a dark plaid dress and a styled black hairdo holding a grey plant in a white pot.

"Oh hello, dear. I'm Agnes, your neighbor to the right. My right, not yours" She says in a sing-song tone as she uninvitedly makes her way into the house. The eruption of cackles echo as you look at her in confusion as to why she decided to step inside, but decided to keep a calm attitude and not say anything about it.

"Forgive me for not stopping by sooner to welcome you to the block. My mother-in-law was in town...so I wasn't!" she says laughing with the audience once more as her dress sways with her movements. She rushes the potted plant into your arms and you smile and take it as she makes her way into the living room to continue her snooping. "So what's your name? Where are you from? And most importantly how's your bridge game, hon?" She says not loosing a single breath, and of course not giving you time to answer in between questions.

"Umm...Well I'm (Male Name)" You say reaching your hand out to shake hers

"(Male Name)? Charmed!" She joyfully says and returns the gesture.

"Golly, you sure do settle fast! Yes sir you did indeed! Did you use a moving company?"

"Why I sure did. Those boxes don't move themselves." The audience laughs as your inside joke, because let's be honest, the boxes did move themselves since you used your magic to decorate everything. (Damn (Male Name), you really are a powerful sum' bitch)

'"So (Male Name), what's a single boy like you doing rattling around this big house?" She says siting on the couch.

You laugh to yourself and dreamily look at the finger your ring should be on that Vision gave you to claim you as his, (He liked it so he put a ring on it.....sorry...anyways) but paused as it wasn't there. That's not right, because you could have sworn that it was there when you created this rea-

"Oh no, I'm not single I-"

"Well I don't see a ring

"Well I can promise you, I am indeed married...To a man. A human one and tall too! A a matter of fact, he'll be home later tonight for a special occasion just the two of us." You say putting emphasis on 'occasion' with a wink.

"Oh is it somebody's birthday? A holiday?" Agnes questions bouncing up and down in the couch with her legs crossed like a 'proper lady'.

"Well, no and no"

"An anniversary then?"

"Ye-uhh...yes, Its our anniversary!" You shout, finally able to remember what that heart meant.

Agnes waves you over to come sit on the couch with her and you obey, sitting down she grabs and rests both sets of you two's clasped hands on your apron.

"Sooo...tell me, how many years" She asks letting out a little squeal.

"Well..uhhh..it...it uh feels like we've always been together"

"You lucky man-" She shakes her head remembering about her own husband "-the only way Ralph would remember our anniversary is if there was a beer names June 2nd." She chuckles as the audience laughs from nowhere again. "So what do you have planned?"

"How do you mean?" You questioned her. I mean you never really did have time to come up with anything since you just realized, or assumed, what today was.

"For your special night, (Male Name)! A young boy like yourself doesn't have to do much, but it's still fun to set the scene. Say-" she says standing up to slowly make her way to the door "-I was just reading a crackerjack magazine article called 'How To Treat Your Husband To Keep Your Husband', and let me tell you somethin'...what Ralph could really use is, 'How to Goose Your Wife So You Don't Loose Your Your Wife'. She kidd's as her and the audience laugh. You look at her and shake your head trying to hold back your own laughter. "Hang on, I'll go grab it and we can start planning. Oh, this is gonna be a gas!" She shouts running to the door so she can leave and run to her house.

-----Time Skip---

Both Agnes and you are back on the couch, looking through her magazines trying to find ideas for the anniversary dinner you planned for you and Vision to share, when out of nowhere, the phone started ringing interrupting you two. You got up and rushed over to it hoping you don't miss the unknown caller, you pick it up and put it to your ear and then start talking.

"Vision residence how may I help you"

"(Male Name), darling I-"

"Vision, my dearest husband. How are you sweetheart?" You say cutting him off from his obviously panicked and frantic voice. I mean come on, you are just excited to hear your husband's voice after a hours of him being gone.

"Listen about tonight-"

You cut him off again, already knowing that he was going to talk about the anniversary. "Don't worry, dear, I have everything under complete control"

"Oh, well, that is a relief. I must confess, I'm really rather nervous" He says over the phone.

"Nervous? Whatever for?" You question.

"Well, you know, darling, I still get a little tongue-tied."

The audience coo's and aww's at how a dust of grey creeps up on your (dark grey/grey) cheeks. "Vis, after all this time..." you giggle out.

"There's a lot riding on this (Male Name)! If tonight doesn't go just so, I think this could be the end.

'Wait what' you think to yourself

"Well, it's just one night. There's no need to get dramatic." You say in a worried tone as you grasp your now queasy stomach.

Vision's tone begins to get more serious as the conversation continues in his attempt to express how important this is to you. "Look, I think the best course of action is to impress the wife."

"Well, first, I think you mean husband. And secondly I also think the best course of action is to impress the other husband too." You look over and give Agnes a thumbs up and a wink in her direction, and she does the same while sipping her martini.

"Glad to know we're both on the same page, love. Until tonight, then, my sweet little husband" Vision says making two smooching noises through the phone to you.

"Until tonight...my robotic husband" You return, whispering the last part so Agnes doesn't hear you. She couldn't hear you anyways, being too busy sipping her drink and flipping through the pages. You finally gently put the phone on the hook and return to the couch.

---Time Skip, Later Tonight---

Before Vision made it home, you set the big dining table that was next to the living room and tossed colorless silk scarfs on all of the laps in the room to set the mood and made your way to the bedroom to get dressed to surprise him for when he gets home. When you heard the door open and heard his voice, you tip toed your way out of the bedroom and into the living room, dressed a long fluffy white lingerie robe with white fur that wrapped around the arms of it which was trailing behind you, exposing both of your (dark grey/grey) legs. You then went all the way to Vision's black silhouette and gently wrapped your hands around his eyes, causing him to jump form the sudden contact.

The audience laughed again as they know your mistake. 'Where the hell is that laughing coming from, and whey is it happening right now of all times?' you thought to yourself in confusion.

"Guess who~" you seductively whispered to your husbands.

Suddenly the lights turn on and you hear Vision's voice that was filled with a mix of shock, embarrassment, and irritation at your recklessness. "(MALE NAME) WHAT ARE YOU DOING!"

You gasp and look in his direction. "Vision? What are you-" then it hit's you, if Vision is right there, then who's-

"Oh! Oh my stars, I'm so sorry!" You say to the man you mistook for your husband. You quickly uncover his eyes and stumble away from him as he stares at you in shock. Then you look down at your attire and try to cover your exposed leg as much as possible.

"What is the meaning of this!" The bald headed mad says appalled, as his wife stands behind him looking around cluelessly.

Vision interrupts with his stammering voice just as confused as everyone else. "Well..uh yeah (Male Name) what is the meaning of-" Suddenly it hits him and he tries to comes up with an excuse off the top of his head. "-Oh, the meaning of it! You want to know the meaning of it...and...the meaning of it is...that this is the tradition of (Random Foreign Country/Continent) greeting of hospitality. Uhh...guess who???" Vision says as he runs behind you and overs your eyes.

"Oh is that my host being me?" You say playing along.

"It certainly is, darling. Lovely to make your acquaintance" Vision says vigorously shaking your hand. "See i forgot to tell you my husband is from (Random Foreign Country/Continent)" he giggles along with the audience.

"Oh, how exotic!" The man's wife cheerfully laughs.

"I never knew such a place as that existed" He says in a dark yet serious tone.

"Oh hush Author, have you no culture. Oh and the robe, I absolutely love it!" His wife replies trying to lighten up the awkward mood.

"Thank you so much ma'am-" you march through the living room and snatch off the silk scarves from all the lamps and tightly grab Vision's hand. "-Can I just see you in the kitchen for a moment, sweetheart?"

You both then slam your way through the kitchen door and it swings closed behind you, leaving Vision's boss and his wife behind as they sit down on the couch and patiently (more like impatiently on Arthur's end) wait for your return. You then turn around and look at each other before throwing questions.

"Who are those people?!"

"What are you wearing!?"

"Why are they here?"

"What are you wearing!?" Vision questions again boldly

"Well, it's out anniversary, that's why I'm wearing this!"

"Our anniversary of what?" Vison says, desperate to know what the hell you were talking about. Eventually you had enough of these shenanigan's and throw the scarves down at his feet stomping your way to the kitchen chairs. "Well if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you!" you exaggerate, crossing your arms and pouting like a child

"(Male Name), darling! That...that man through there is my boss Mr. Hart! And his dear lady wife Mrs. Hart! The heart on the calendar was an abbreviation!" Vision whispers, roughly tapping his hand on the black heart drawn on the dull colored calendar.

You grab your head and shake it trying to put everything together. "Vision sweetie, you move at the speed of sound and I can make a pen float through the air. Who. Needs. To. Abbreviate!?"

Vision grabs both of your shoulders in an attempt to collect his thoughts and calm you down. "Darling, listen, it's all romantic to do the candles, the music, that stunning outfit. I don't wanna be unappreciative, but right now-"

"Your boss and his wife are expecting a home-cooked meal. Correct?" Vision nods his head while muttering 'exactly' while look around the kitchen in order to find somethin to serve to the unwarned visitation of guests. After looking around for a but, your eyes land on the mini round table that held a plate and food on it. "Well, does your boss and his wife have a hunger for a single chocolate-covered strawberry, split three ways?" Vision hisses while clenching his fists and shaking his head no.

"Oh wait, I might have better ideas" Without hesitation you raise both of your sands and snap your fingers, magically changing your outfit to the one you were wearing earlier that day, a pair of dark high waisted cuffed slacks and a white blouse to match (you can change if you don't like), and the audience claps in astonishment at your transformation whilst you tie your apron in a bow behind your back. Vision gives you a quick peck on the cheek and runs back to the living room to keep others company while you figure out what to serve everyone.

---Time Skip---

After minutes of looking, you couldn't find anything in the kitchen, and the refrigerator was empty, so you decided to call your good neighbor Agnes to see if she could pick up some things from the store and bring it over. A couple of minutes pass and you finally hear a familiar knock on the back door in the kitchen. As soon as you open it Agnes rushes through with her hands full of groceries stacked to her chin as she stumbles through the kitchen. Before you could even mutter out a 'thank you' she stops you dead in your tracks and puts all the food down on the table. "Before you can say anything don't think about it. I mean, what kind of housewife would I be if I didn't have a gourmet meal for four just lying about the place. Not that Ralph wants to eat anything other than baked beans, which explains a lot about his personal appeal, mind you." The audience laughs one more at her silly humor as you quickly render to her aid to grab some of the groceries before they could fall. Unfortunately, it seems like the Universe was not on your side since the large cooking pot crashed and hit the ground, echoing throughout the kitchen, while Agnes yelled out an overexaggerated 'oh my'.

You had to get rid of Agnes and as quickly as you can, so you decided to just push her out the back door despite her protests to help you cook. "Thank you so much Agnes but I can take it from here-"

"Are you sure dear, many hands make light work. And many mouths make good gossip too!"

"Oh ahahaha, you are so naughty! But-"

"Oh, shall I preheat the oven then? hmm?"

"That won't be necessary, thank you for your time!"

Somehow she managed to escape your grasp on her waist and make her way back to the counter to crab some kitchen tools to start cooking for you. "Well, I know you're in a pinch so this menu can be done in a snap." She says snapping her fingers before continuing her rambling. you run back over to her and snatch the utensils from her, setting them on the counter, and grabbing her arms to march her back to the door. "Lobster Thermidor with mini-minced turnovers to start. Chicken à la King with twice-cooked new potatoes for your second course, and Steak Diane with mint jellies for your main. Oh wait! Do you set your own jellies, dear?"

"Yes Agnes I do, now can you please-"

"Ah there you go, good boy! Recipe cards are all on the counter there. Bon Appétit!"

"Haha, yes will do, thank you so much again Agnes! Bye now!" You say slamming the door, making the audience laugh at your exhausted expression. Now that she's gone, you run to the middle of the kitchen and throw your arms around, making all of the drawers and cabinets in the kitchen fly open, the dishes start floating out, and the food starts cooking. Out of no where the doors to the island bar swoop open to show Mrs. Hart, but before she could see Vision distracts her by breaking out and singing Yackety Yack by The Coasters, causing her to break out into a little dance, making her way back to the couch. Dear gods and goddess', how lucky are you to have a savior like him.

But little did you know, that the night was only just beginning.

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Finish the fic? Leave a like and comment if you enjoyed it. Also, give it a reblog too! Once again, I'm so sorry it was rushed! Please don't be afraid to let me know if there are any typos or errors. I will go back and edit this

[topsytervy]

Calling your boyfriend your friend (JJ Maybank)

Blurb: you call JJ your friend instead of boyfriend.

Word count: 406

Warnings: uhh like one cuss word, very small (like atom sized) implication of smut i guess.

I saw this on instagram (cause i dont have tik tok) and saw the reaction and was like i have to do this with JJ. Should I do it with John B, Pope, and Rafe too?

Oh and this definitely wasnt proofread and was definitely written at 3:30 am because i saw the video and was like, welp bedtime after i write this.

*****

You were scrolling through Instagram when you saw a video. A couple sat in the car and one of them pretended to be on the phone with someone, saying they were hanging out with their friend, which caused their significant other to look around the car to see what friend was there. When there was none, they looked back and asked "what friend?", the reply being "you." And the reaction just got better.

You laughed quiety, thinking it was hilarious but then you stopped, your lips turning up into a smile. You and JJ were at the chateau. You all were supposed to go swimming today, but JJ had a headache, so you decided to stay with JJ while everyone else went out. 

You stood up from the couch, grabbed John Bs landline and opened up your phones camera. Making sure it was on video, you pressed record and entered the guest bedroom. You made sure that you didn't seem suspicious, keeping your phone mostly down but making sure it was on your boyfriend

JJ layed on the bed, chest slowly rising and falling, his forearm covering his eyes.

The floor creaked underneath your feet and you lowered yourself into a chair in the corner, putting the landline to your ear. You looked at your phone, seeing JJ perfectly clear before starting.

"I'd love to hang out but I cant." You started.

You saw JJ move his arm up slightly and look at you.

"Who's that?" He mouthed.

"Beth." 

JJ placed his head back on the pillow.

"I'm hanging out with a friend right now but maybe later tonight."

You saw JJs head shoot up as he propped himself up on his elbows.

He had a dumbfounded look on his face before he got up and walked out of the guest bedroom.

You thought you pissed him off but he came back in.

"The vans still gone. What friend are you fucking talking about? I know it's not me cause last time I checked, boy was in front of it. From what I got last night, I definitely was not even close to a friend. What did you call me again? Da-" JJ prattled as he stood in the doorway.

"JJ! It's a joke! I swear!" You cut him off, feeling your cheeks starts to flush.

"Exactly what I thought. Now, because of that little stunt, you have to cuddle me the rest of the day."

[cavehags]

i realize this will probably bring up old drama so you might not want to answer it. but do you ever regret, however on purpose or on accident, bringing all that unnecesary hate towards Katara? i'm really sad and dissapointed tbh. i'm a woman of color and katara was so important to me growing up. my favorite animated woman ever. and then this resurgence comes and theres so, so much unnecesary hatred for her and everyone ignoring everything that makes her a good character.

(2/3) 2- and you know, i expected this from the male side of the fandom. they were misogynistic to her and the others even back then so i would expect it to be even worse with how internet culture is more mysogistic now that ever. and i wasnt wrong. male atla fans had some truly horrible takes and views that just came across as racism and misogyny. but, i expected these circles to be better. to be a safe space for us woc who love this character. but i found the same weird hatred for her.

(3/3) 3-i just, i cant believe i feel less welcome now that i did even back then. and back then i didnt even paricipate really. but at least i could enjoy fandom content without stumbling into misogyny and racism every other post. also sorry for sending this to your personal blog b i just wanted to let you know you controbuted to that too even if it wasnt your intention. at least you realized that and arent contributing to it anymore right? cause honestly the hate has only gotten worse not less.

hey anon. thanks for asking this question, because i hadn’t addressed this topic previously and this gave me an opportunity to do so. 

no, i don’t regret publicly interpreting a character whom i love through a nuanced and human lens. and i don’t regret combating the one-dimensional interpretation of this character, which posits that she’s merely an vaguely defined object of attraction for some boy or another, and a singularly gentle, mature, maternal figure whose sole purpose in life is to nurture others. those interpretations suck. they rob her of the humanity and complexity that make her character unique and they stem from misogynistic tropes that reduce women to the services they can provide to men. the thing in the world that matters most to me is fighting misogyny, and this trend to diminish a proud and powerful and angry teenage girl by exaggerating only her most socially acceptable traits is misogyny. 

unlike you, i did not grow up watching avatar: the last airbender. the shows i watched growing up did not have a lot of girls who felt real to me. the girls i saw on tv growing up were simple. they were the main characters’ crushes. they were simple, desirable, usually sweet and loving, and not much else. if they had a flaw, it was that they were, at best, “awkward.” whatever that means. or if they were the protagonists, which was rare, they were nice enough and tried to do the right thing, but they never had strong feelings like resentment and anger. they weren’t allowed to be unfeminine which meant they weren’t allowed to be bitter, angry or in any way flawed. they didn’t look like the version of girlhood i knew to be true for me personally, which included a lot of anger and frustration and powerlessness. 

that crappy representation left me with internalized misogyny that chased me for longer than i’d like to admit. i did not learn to think of girls as humans who could be as interesting and flawed and messy as the boys were. i did not value myself as a girl, and later a woman, because i thought the best thing a girl could be was... bland. boring. pretty, but empty. passionless.

it would have meant the world to me to see a character like katara. 

because katara is angry. she has every right to be: she’s had so much stolen from her, including her mother, her people, and her childhood. katara has a short fuse. she yells. she snaps. she fucks up. sometimes she makes mean jokes! i never saw a single one of those dreamily perfect cartoon love interests make mean jokes when i was a kid. she is extremely idealistic--it’s her defining character trait--but we see the bad side of that as well as the good. we see that her need to help others  leads her to act rashly, to get herself into danger, to put others in danger too. 

and she has her very own arc. it’s not about her love for another person, either (what a snooze of a storyline); it’s about growing up and learning to break down some of that stubborn black-and-white thinking that we all indulge in as children. it’s a true coming-of-age arc and it belongs to a fourteen-year-old girl. 

when i, to use a phrase i find crass, “entered the fandom,” i quickly realized that other fans’ perceptions of katara did not line up with the things i valued most about her. other fans seemed to valorize her most socially acceptable feminine qualities: her generosity, her kindness, her dedication to helping others. and of course i love those parts of her--i love everything about her--but what is really remarkable about avatar: the last airbender is that katara’s many important virtues are also counterbalanced by equally significant flaws. a good character has flaws. katara is a good character, and a deviation from the characters who made up my formative media landscape, because she has flaws. her temper, her idealism, her stubbornness--these are flaws. flaws make her seem real and human and challenge the mainstream sentiment that girls are not real or human.

it simply did not occur to me that celebrating these aspects of katara that make her a realistic and well-written teenage girl would spark ire from other adult fans. it absolutely did not occur to me that i would then be blamed for somehow causing misogynistic interpretations of this character, particularly given that misogynistic interpretations of this character are the very thing i sought to correct when i began to blog about this television show.

i’m told there are “fans” on instagram and tiktok who think katara is whiny, annoying, and overly preoccupied with her trauma. i do not use instagram or tiktok, so i wouldn’t know, but i’ll take your word for it. respectfully, however, they didn’t get that from me. misogynistic takes on katara have existed since before i came along. i have never, ever called katara whiny. and seeing as i have been treating my own PTSD in therapy for nine years, you can safely conclude that i don’t think anyone, katara included, is overly preoccupied with their trauma. that’s not a thing. do i think she’s annoying? of course not! as a character, she’s a delight. does she sometimes find real joy in aggravating her brother and her friends? yes, because she’s 14. i, an adult, am not annoyed by her. sokka and toph often are, because that is katara’s goal and katara always succeeds in her goals. she’s not “annoying.” 

if there are “fans” who are indeed following lesbians4sokka and somehow misreading every single post and interpreting them to mean that we hate katara and they should too, i don’t really know what you want me to do about that. l4s has over ten thousand followers and we have already posted so many essays disavowing katara hate. our feminist and antiracist objectives in running the blog are literally pinned with the headline “please read.”

furthermore, you cannot reasonably expect my co-blogger and me to control the way our words will be received. we should not have to, and are not going to, add a disclaimer to every post saying that when we critique or make jokes about a teenage girl we are doing so through a feminist lens. our url is lesbians4sokka, and we are clearly women. if that alone doesn’t make it obvious, then refer back to that pinned post. 

it is indescribably frustrating, and really goddamn depressing as well, that people are so comfortable with the misogynistic binary of Perfect Good Women and Flawed Wicked Bitches that they perceive any discussion of a woman’s flaws to be necessarily relegating her to the latter camp. if that is how you (a generic you) perceive women, then i’m sorry, but you’ve internalized sexism that i cannot cure you of. and it’s unjust to expect my friend and me to write for the lowest common denominator of readers who have not yet had their own feminist awakenings. we do not write picture books for babies. we write for ourselves, and with the expectation that our readers can think critically. reading media through a feminist lens is my primary interest; i have no intention of excising that angle from my writing.

as i go through my life, i am going to embrace the flaws of girls and women because not enough people do. as long as the dominant narratives surrounding women are “good and perfect” and “unlovable wh*re,” you’ll find me highlighting flawed, realistic, righteously angry women in the margins. and for what it’s worth, it’s not just katara. i champion depictions of angry girls in all sorts of media. that’s sort of my whole thing. my favorite movies are part of the angry girl cinematic universe: thoroughbreds, jennifer’s body, hard candy, jojo rabbit, et cetera. on tv, in addition to katara, you’ll find me celebrating tuca and bertie, poppy from mythic quest, tulip and lake from infinity train, korra, and more. i adore all these women and see myself in them. i hope you find this suitably persuasive to establish that i have sufficient Feminist Cred, according to your standards, to observe and write about these very flawed and human fictional women. 

what i’m saying is this: i decline to take responsibility for the misogynistic discourse orbiting a children’s cartoon. as someone who writes about that series from a perspective that seeks to add humanity and nuance to the reductive, one-dimensional, overwhelmingly sexist writing that already exists, i am pretty taken aback that i am the one being blamed for the very problem i sought to address. except not that taken aback because i am a woman online, haha! and this is always how it goes for us. 

finally, i think it sucks that you’ve chosen to blame me for a problem that begins and ends with the patriarchy. i can’t control the way this response will be perceived, just like how i can’t control the way anything will be perceived because i am just one human woman, but i do hope you choose to be reflective, and consider why you’ve chosen this avenue to assign blame. 

[simple-ponderings]

Universal Guidance- Pick a Card

Welcome back to another pick a card. This is one is mostly centered on where you are on your journey right now and the advice The Divine wants to relay to you. This time Ive done something different. Ive done some shufflemancy and added songs for you to listen for any additional messages. These messages may or may not resonate as its a general reading and thats ok. There are always messages being sent but they wont always be for you. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and ask God or whoever you feel a bond most strongly with, to help you choose a pile. 

+++PLEASE READ! Before you go down to your reading, I wanted to say that the most prevalent theme happening for all groups is that you’re all going through significant change. The Death card and The Last Judgement card came out for all three readings. All of us are experiencing change in different ways. I believe this is something being Divinely orchestrated. Things that need to end and also come to fruition will come to pass, whether you are ready or not. Hang in there everyone. We will get through this.++++++

 Pile 1: 

While shuffling I saw and got the notion of a journey, or the beginning of one. Traveling. There were sperm whales, mermaid tails, deep sea. Traveling on a rocky mountain, like in LOTR. I also saw a volcano. There was a weird wooden gate, with black bolts that looked like the Dolce & Gabana logo. 

Im getting the feeling of stubbornness. Almost as if there is something you know you need to be doing or not doing, and then you dont do it or do it anyway. The Death card was overall energy and then when I went to clarify Princess of Pentacles it came out again- quite quickly too. Is there an ending you are hesitant to release? Maybe it has to do with your habits, mindsets, aspects of yourself, or the people who have served their purpose in your spiritual journey. Regardless, something needs to come to close so that other cycles in your life-whether its having new friends, obtaining a new job, or learning something new, or anything, may begin. It can even be so simple as “The New You” emerging. Its like youre stuck in the past I think, with memories of someone or how you used to be, and now that that has been taken away youre kind of unsure of yourself and where to go. Maybe you feel a little ungrounded and not really confident?...Im really starting to get the feeling that this was a person you were dealing with, and they just couldnt really deliver. Its like being around them for so long has sucked you into weird environments that arent really in your best interests. I know this is a general reading but this is a feeling I cant shake, I apologize if this message does not resonate with you. If it doesnt resonate then it is not for you. This person, was most likely sent for your activation and transformation. Im sorry that its so unpleasant :(. You need to break free from this. Its like youve experienced both the really dark aspects, and now are coming to experience the really light aspects. I think this is what new cycle awaits you, but you are hesitant to let it because you’ve been exposed to that darkness for sometime. Maybe you even comfortable in it because it may be what you expect? This is just one stop on your journey, even though it feels as if it’ll stretch on and on and on. Give yourself time to grieve that which was lost. But remember you must get back up eventually, and begin building your new reality. You arent alone in this. You will soon leave the desolate rocky terrain and move into beautiful meadows filled with flowers. But its up to YOU to go out there and create your reality- your life, your legacy that makes you happy and is for your highest good. You are being pointed in the right direction, you are always being guided. Believe that for yourself no matter what others tell you, or no matter how things seem, or no matter what even you think. Dont let the negativity of others stop your abundance, your uniqueness, and most of all the beauty of your soul. There are some important things for you to consider: 777 and Volcanoes. Also you might wanna give the song “No Running Water” by The Flashbulb a listen for additional messages. Thank you for reading Feedback would be greatly appreciated!! 

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Pile 2:

 While shuffling, I saw an open path with wild grass on either side. The road was made of dirt. There was the word DATE written in red with other words. It looked like some sort of official document. I saw Space, and a blue light being. This pile felt a little dark, like some heavy energy but not too heavy- more like somberness. 

I feel like theres this onset of spiritual power, but you may feel as if youre not ready for it or its too much. Or it could even be that you experience emotion very deeply. And so you kind of focus on the material and logical aspects of yourself, almost kind of “rejecting” that spiritual and emotional side. I think you have alot of spiritual gifts, but you dont want to go “too deep”. You are comfortable with seeing tangibility and are used to seeing whats right in front of you. But I believe the doors to the Unknown are being revealed to you. You see all these phenomena happening and you just “Observe” it kind of. Theres this feeling of not wanting to get too involved so you just keep your distance. By that I mean, you just watch and observe things and try to remain unaffected. Its almost as if you putting your spiritual self at arms length is your way of self-defense if that makes sense? Its like youre trying hard to cling to the old you, how you and your life used to be, before all THIS happened. What are you afraid of? Perhaps you are a person who wonders if there is any merit or tangible reward for diving deep and I think if you do decide to dive deep it will feel that way. “Whats the point of it all?” But its to help you embrace your Fire, your gifts so to speak. If you do decide to walk this path of spirituality and embracing yourself, getting comfortable with the unknown, I feel you will be a completely different person. A Complete Rebirth so to speak. And maybe you are scared of that. I think The Divine is trying to point you in this direction. It will get easier. As you begin to walk this path, things will become Clearer. And I feel you will feel so much more “In Tune” with The Divine or whoever you believe in. I see a link, essences intertwining. Whats meant to happen will happen. Fate. Be kind to yourself during this period. Make sure you take the time to ground yourself and even go outside and get a breath of fresh air. It will help clear your head and balance yourself. You are Loved no matter what. You arent alone, you can let your guard down. Important things to consider: Angel Number 66. Pay attention to how you feel, whether it be around others or the emotions you feel in general. I think being near bodies of water, or even moon gazing may help you. I even think carrying selenite around may be of help to you. Remember to take care of yourself mentally and physically! Keep yourself balanced. Also give “Severed” by The Flashbulb a listen for any additional messages. I hope you enjoyed this reading and feedback is always appreciated!

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Pile 3:

I felt bliss and happiness. I saw a plant growing. There is this feeling of building something thats here to stay.

Im thinking you guys went through hell and back despite that feeling of bliss I felt when shuffling. Overall theres a overarching theme of having everything in life be on track, but when it comes to love it seems that thats where you begin to run into problems. It could even just be relationships in general. Or rather everything is finally going right, but theres this feeling of something coming to “haunt” you. Something that you’ve thought was over with and finished but manages to come back into your life. I feel like you’ve been through some tough shit and have tried your damned best to make the situation better. Like you’ve broken free from some sort of attachment or restriction but there is still a lingering feeling of obligation, almost as if you still feel the need to give it your energy. Maybe things didnt end on the right foot. Maybe there were things left unsaid. There is a message of unfinished business. But this part of your life will soon be wrapping up. After this hurdle, something new will arise from it. An opportunity that will sprout its way into the physical world. Its very weird, theres this notion of finally seeing the light of day after being surrounded by the night. The first light of the Dawn. Its as if youre running a marathon and youve made it through all these obstacles to reach the finish line.  Youre almost there, just a little more. This experience you went through, gave you the wisdom you needed to be where you are in life. It made you who are you are. You have gone through much transformation. Im really proud of you. But The Divine is saying you have to go through this for just a little longer. To Be who you were meant to Be. Understand that whatever happens, it is always within your power to decide how you want to act. You always have the power to choose differently. Always choose what feels right for you. Always choose what you know to be true. What has this journey taught you so far? What lessons have you learned? How have you changed? Use these teachings and apply them to your life and how you want to live. Important things for you to consider: 1010 is significant for you. I believe after this ordeal things will only get better for you. When you feel things are getting out of control or too much, take deep breaths and bring yourself back to the present- back to balance. Remember you are in control of how you respond, you always have a choice. Take it one step at a time too, its ok if you dont get it right away. We have the utmost patience and love for you. Also give “Home” by Brian Mcknight a listen as there may be additional messages for you. I hope you enjoyed this reading. I really hope I was able to offer you some clarity. Feedback is always appreciated!  

[sourdough-morbread]

Morgana 👀

ok so i know you left this ask ages ago and this is like so fucking long i am so sorry.

but i just... i have a lot of thoughts on morgana. *hides pages of notes made for two big morgana-centric WIPs*

First impression: this is what went through my mind in my first watch through

s1: i fell for morgana really quickly. i was like. YES she has MAGIC and she tells off uther and arthur. 

s2: i still liked her but i getting concerned about the direction the writers were pulling her character in season 2. i was quite disappointed in the way her turn to evil was written. like she was good then barely on screen and very damsel-in-distressy for some reason. and then she became evil!morgana with zero explanation and zero reluctance. didnt really make sense to me.

s3: i enjoyed her as a villain in, but at that point she was a completely different character in my eyes. not in the old character new instalment but in a entirely different person was put inside her. 

s4: she was so boring and one dimetional. just. meh. she barely felt like a threat.. 

s5: i wasnt even paying attention to her.  she has become the random conflict generator the writers rather than a character. so i just didnt care. also i skipped a few eps in my first go so. like dark tower bc i didnt want to see gwen hurt. so i missed out on the emotional impact of that.

Impression now: after rewatching i can see her character arc a lot better. i still think her arc wasnt well done. but thats because the execution was lacking, rather than the trajectory of her character not making sense. because it actually makes a lot of sense.

like in season 1, she is basically immune. she is caught aiding mordred and yet she can get away with uther yelling at her and have it all be forgotten with an apology. meanwhile tom is executed for being seen with a sorcerer. when she wants to kill uther, i dont think she thinks she will be caught. nobody would ever dare accuse morgana and arthur would never suspect it. 

then she discovers she has magic herself and all of that immunity is gone. and without that safety net she becomes willing to endanger so many people, including the allies of magic in camelot. you know, people she would be screaming at the defence of previously.  

her in 1x10 is a small glimpse of what she could have been. a force for good. someone willing to actually fight against what uther and rulers like him were doing. and i would have loved to see that. 

but thats not what the writers chose. instead she regains her footing in hatred and blaming everyone for the fear she felt of death and disgust she felt of herself once she became one of those she defended but saw as beneath her none the less. 

and i will never not be salty about how they skipped over her turning evil and how flat she became. like. let me have a deeply evil terrifying witch damn it! 

i think what makes her terrifying is that she doesnt want power. not really. she wants revenge. she wants to take everything arthur cares about. she wants the throne because arthur doesn't get to have it. she wants camelot to kill its people. she doesnt care about power beyond how much pain she can cause with it. and thats so terrifying. enemy with no goal but to cause you pain. and knows all your weaknesses and can fool the people you have wronged to think she is fighting for their salvation. how do you even fight that? 

idk i just think it was underutilised. again she was just a conflict generator the writers used until the final battle. even then mordred was more significant than morgana. 

Favorite moment: just her in the entirety of beginning of the end. if i had to pick one moment it would be her goading arthur to look behind the curtain. its just so good.

Idea for a story: again... the WIPs. but one i havent written yet.

i had one au where arthur found out about her magic on accident and like. it kicked off a whole plot of her learning magic, and arthur finally facing how terrible uther is and getting his shit together. its not a very detailed idea. morgause would probably use this opportunity to manipulate arhtur. agravain would proably be not evil, tho still a spineless slimy noble. idk.

Unpopular opinion: this is not going to be a surprise to people who know me, but i dislike pretty much all of the discussion ive seen about 2x03. 

fandom seems to be stuck on this dichotomy of either merlin should have told her about his magic and by not doing so he betrayed her— he did not. merlin tried to help her at the risk of his own life. go watch 2x03 again. or merlin reacted perfectly— also he did not. even while helping her, he still refused to acknowledge her magic.

in a situation where something invisible about you can get you killed, subtle word choices matter. merlins words, him continuing to say he wouldn't know if it was magic, even though they both knew it was and that the other also knew, means something. it means i will keep your secret but i cannot help you. this is by no means a moral failing of merlin. he made this choice out of fear for his own life, and i think it is unreasonable to expect him to react perfectly.

morgana in turn had no reason to go to merlin again about her magic. he has made it clear he doest want to be involved, which he has no responsibility to. and why would merlin be able to help her? he, as far as she knows, has no personal experience with magic except his sorcerer friend. 

besides, druids were the safest place for a her to be. it was the safest place for any warlock to be, including merlin.  her knowing or not knowing about merlin has nothing to do with it. like. everything that happens in camelot between merlin and morgana in season 2 is perfectly understandable. they didnt wrong each other. 

what merlin and morgana actually did wrong is getting all those druids killed because they didnt think the plan through. like all of those people in that camp died. aglain, the person helping morgana, died right in front of her and mordred. the druids were the only ones wronged in that situation. which i have never seen pointed out. 

Favorite relationship: her and mordred

listen there is only a singular instance of morgana genuinely hesitating to hurt somebody after her turn and that person is mordred.

Favorite headcanon: oracle!morgana. this is like a whole big headcanon thats basically the origin story of how draognlords came to be. something happened and oracles stole dragons wills and their births to give to mortals as punishment. and then a group of these people came to albion and became the Seers and the dragonlords. who have like different traditions to the druid seers and the priestesses who use methods adapted from scry methods.

thats why she can speak with aithusa even though aithusa cant speak. 

[ficsandcatsandficsandcats]

YAY TH! 💛i was thinking plus size reader travels with Jaskier &Geralt, she's good friends with both but has always been in love with Jaskier She has notebooks she draws in & is so careful to never draw all of jaskier ON one page She's got pages of eyes, hands, chest, neck, hair, all the little parts of him she loves But she thinks he could never love her cuz she's not the typical kind of girl he goes with One day he finds her notebook he knows he shouldn't look she always swats him away 1/2

But he cant help it. He’s so curious and at first he doesn’t realize who it is, just thinks the art is beautiful. And then on the last page there’s an incredibly detailed drawing of a feild of buttercup flowers, maybe with Jaskier in the middle playing his lute in the sun. he talks to her carefully about it. Cuz she’s shy but she usually tells him everything, and he loves her too he just never wanted to make her uncomfortable. Then love confessions! Woo! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!! (2/2)

Fandom: The WitcherPairing: Jaskier x ReaderWord Count: 1,836Rating: GTaglist: @heroics-and-heartbreak @whatevermonkey @mynamesoundslikesherlock @magic-multicolored-miracle a/n: This was a really interesting challenge for me. I’ve been plus size my entire life and I don’t think I’ve ever once written a character who looked like me. Writing this was really eye-opening for me and made me really think about how to portray a plus size character in a way that was positive while still acknowledging the very real insecurities and struggles. I hope this is ok and what you were looking for and thank you for the prompt!

Being Jaskier’s best friend was glorious.

He always got invited to the best parties and insisted on bringing you along. He knew the best tailors who made you dresses that flowed perfectly with your body. Growing up you’d been forced into clothes that were the same cut and shape as others around you, just larger, which somehow left you feeling both swamped and pinched by the fabric as it tried to force your body into a shape it simply wasn’t. But the tailors Jaskier took you to fit wonderfully and if they ever rankled at or felt challenged by your size you never knew because Jaskier would have slain them where they stood if they even breathed a word to that effect. Jaskier was fun and affectionate but also fiercely protective in a way that made you feel cared for even if it did sometimes make your heart ache a little. When he turned away the men who came to ask you to dance or tried to pursue you he always declared it was because he knew their “reputation” and they “weren’t good enough for you” but a small part of you – well, alright, a very significant part of you – wished he were doing it because he wanted you all for himself.

He called you his muse though creative partner was a more fitting title. Being a ‘muse’ implied you just sat there and looked stunning and words flowed through the artist. In truth the pair of you talked through his song dilemmas. You challenged near rhymes and even though he put up a fuss in the moment, later on he would always thank you and give credit to you for helping him ensure a song flowed perfectly. In turn you would work on your drawing as he composed. You’d catch him sneaking a glance every now and then and you always swatted him away, but you’d been extra careful to ensure that even if he did look he wouldn’t realize what you were doing. Only one picture, drawn up after an especially beautiful day where he’d taken you to a field of buttercups, woven you a crown and declared you Queen of Springtime, exposed your deep secret. But he would never see it because you were too careful about keeping it close and he did respect your privacy after all

—–

Jaskier knew he shouldn’t do it.

You always kept your notebook on you and when you saw him try to take peeks you swatted him away. He knew it was private and important to you. So much so that he almost became jealous of the damn thing. When would you gaze at him the same adoring way you gazed at whatever you drew? His heart churned with jealousy at the thought that you were drawing someone. Some man he hadn’t been quick enough to push away. He felt a tinge of guilt at that, knowing it wasn’t fair to keep you from finding a partner when he was too afraid to make his intentions known. But he would tell you one day. As soon as he got any sort of sign that the feelings would be reciprocated. Or, if he knew you were interested in someone else, he was gracefully bow out and never tell you. And perhaps his answer was waiting in that notebook. And perhaps that was reason enough.

As he flipped through the pages he admired your great talent. The craftwork in drawing the hands, long-fingered and held in different poses. Some were positioned as though it was holding an invisible instrument while others were gestured openly or clasped together. Some hair that swooped to an angle, thick and fluffy in some though she’d also taken the challenge of drawing it wet, dripping down the neck into the collar of an undershirt. Then there were drawings of eyes. Though no color was etched into them the eyes were gorgeous. Light and filled with a light that nearly gleamed off the page. A thick neck, craning at an angle that attached to just the barest edge of a strong jaw. A picture of someone that only showed the collar bones down to the waist, an undershirt left open long enough to show an etching of thick, dark chest hair. He flipped through the photos feeling an odd sense of familiarity but mostly immense pride, already trying to figure out how to tell her that she must begin selling her art or at the very least not hide it away from the world any longer.

And then he flipped to the last page.

He almost missed it, skimming fast as the pages grew blank, but he saw a touch of color. He remembered the day he’d gifted you the colored pencils. Your face had lit up and you’d thrown your arms around him, pressing your soft, warm body against his and he’d taken the chance to hold you close for longer than your usual hugs, relishing the feeling of having you in his arms. That was the end of a perfect day. A day he’d almost told you, as he looked into your eyes, farmed by a crown of buttercups. He’d almost told you that even surrounded by the gorgeous blooms, you were the fairest thing by far. But his courage had failed him and so instead he’d found you the pencils, a technicolor declaration of love he worried he would never put into words. He’d wondered if you even used them since every drawing was in the same grey and white but there it was. A picture filled with color. And himself.

He sat cross-legged in the center of a wide expanse of buttercups, lute in hand. The same hands, he realized now, that he’d seen earlier in the notebook. The hands that held the book, trembling slightly as his heart swelled and took in the picture. You’d lovingly sketched every detail of his outfit from the cerulean of his doublet to the off-cream of his undershirt. His hair fell over his face slightly though did not obscure the brilliant blue eyes that gazed at the viewer of the photo much the same way he imagined he must be looking at it right now. His mouth was drawn open mid-song and he could even tell what lyric was passing through his lips. Your talent was truly spectacular. And you loved him. And he wouldn’t waste anymore time.

—–

When you returned from the market you were frazzled. You’d left your notebook behind and that was too dangerous. You’d practically run all the way back, arriving to camp winded and red faced. So much so that Geralt drew his sword, certain you were being pursued, and you had to convince him through gasps that everything was fine. And then you saw Jaskier walk into view, holding the notebook. Your heart sank and when Jaskier saw you he froze. He looked a little guilty but there was more there as well. You couldn’t place it, too anxious about your secret finally getting out. As he walked over to you, you began to try and form a lie that would cover it up and let things stay the way they were before.

“Geralt can we have a moment?” Jaskier asked once he reached you. Geralt opened his mouth to say something but Roach nickered and he sighed heavily and stood up, taking her reins and walking away without another word to either of you. Your heart pounded in your chest and you looked down at the notebook still in Jaskier’s hands.

“Y/N, I should apologize-”

“It’s fine just give it back,” you said quickly, reaching for the notebook but he pulled it away too fast.

“I should apologize, but I’m not going to,” he finished. Your eyes widened slightly and he held up a hand to staunch the angry tirade he could see welling up.

“Y/N, you’re amazing,” he said a little breathlessly, “Your art, your talent, it’s… it’s just beyond compare. I understand what it means, how important one’s creative works are and how personal, but please at least assure me that you aren’t hiding it away out of some misplaced sense of insecurity. Because you have nothing to feel insecure about, Y/N. Nothing.”

You fought back the tears that the words, hitting so close to so many parts of yourself you had never even told him about, brought to your eyes.

“Jaskier, how much did you see?” you asked, your eyes falling to the notebook.

“Everything,” he said, “I saw everything.”

“Fuck…”

“Y/N,” he tilted your chin up gently with one hand, raising your eyes to meet his. “I love you.”

“I know you do, Jaskier, we’re very good friends-”

“Y/N,” he said, cutting you off and gently resting the notebook on the ground so he could take your face in both of his hands as he stared into your eyes with his, brilliant blue and full of emotion, “I love you.”

The words resonated and even you couldn’t deny what he was saying. He wasn’t looking at you like a friend or a brother or anything but a man who was deeply in love and trying desperately to communicate it to the person he loved.

“But…” you began, and then bit your lip as you worried how to phrase it.

“What?” he asked, tenderly brushing away a tear.

“I’m not… you usually… I’ve… I’ve seen the women you’re with,” you began.

He nodded and waiting for you to continue.

“They are all very lovely and all very similarly bodied. That is, they’re, well, oh for god’s sake – they’re thin, Jaskier. You’re always surrounded by lovely, slender ladies and I am-”

“Lovely,” he finished the sentence for you.

“And plump,” you said pointedly.

“And plump,” he echoed, “Lovely and plump and talented and caring.”

“I just don’t want you to love me in spite of it,” you said, an old wound aching at the thought that he was listing the things that made your body an acceptable compromise.

He frowned and then before you could try and explain further he pulled you in for a kiss, his lips soft and warm against yours. His arms surrounded you and you pressed closer into the kiss. He pulled back and began to pepper your jaw with kisses, moving down to the slope of flesh beneath your chin and back up to your lips.

“I don’t love you in spite of anything. I love you for everything that you are, no exceptions, no alterations. Every inch, every ounce, every day. If you’ll have me,” he said, realizing you hadn’t actually said the words to him yet. You smiled and felt a weight you hadn’t realized you’d been carrying begin to lift off your heart.

“I love you,” you said. Jaskier’s face broke into a smile you knew you would never capture on paper but would spend the rest of your life trying to recreate.

Being Jaskier’s best friend was glorious.

Because Jaskier’s beloved is beyond words.

[dognoselover]

Bloodstained Hands, Ch 2:

Kakashi shot awake in a panic, gasping for breath and covered in a cold sweat. His hands were trembling, and, for a long moment, he was disoriented. This wasn’t his room, or his apartment. Where were his pictures of his team? Or Mr. Ukki? Even his body felt wrong. But then, suddenly, Kakashi remembered where he was. When he was.

“Kakashi!”

His eyes widened at the sound of the sweet, sing-song way his name was called. No… It couldn’t be. Throwing himself from the bed, he rushed to the front door, ignoring the way his skull flared painfully and how he stumbled. Panting, he slowed as the front door came into sight.

“Kakashi, I know you’re in there. You didn’t show up for training today. Minato-sensei said you weren’t feeling well, so I thought I should bring over something for you to eat…”

“Why do you even bother?” Came a loud, familiarly obnoxious voice. Dread rose in Kakashi’s chest, threatening to consume him. “You know he’s not even going to answer the door.”

Unbeknownst to his teammates, the Hatake was only a few feet from the door. He could sense their chakra, weaker than he last remembered it, but still there, strong and steady. The wound in his heart begged him to open the door, to wrap them both in his too-small arms and beg for their forgiveness. Yet, he couldn’t find the strength in him to move, paralyzed by fear. The darkness within him too easily reminded him that he was the reason for both of their deaths. If anything, he should push them away. He should push them far, far away, and then maybe then they would be safe from the destruction that he caused everywhere he went.

Obito and Rin were freshly fallen snow, and Kakashi was soaked in their blood, trying to keep it from dripping from his fingers with every breath.

“See?” Obito broke through his thoughts. “I told you he wasn’t going to answer.”

“Hush!” Rin scolded. Kakashi silently approached the door, using every ounce of restraint that he had finely honed during his decades as a shinobi. “Kakashi, please, talk to us.”

His voice came through low and hoarse, like a hiss. “Go away.”

Unfortunately, his acknowledgement of their presence only encouraged Rin. “Kakashi!” She exclaimed. The happiness in her voice tore at his soul like savage claws, and everytime she said his name his resolve crumbled a little more. “I brought some miso soup, since I know it’s your favorite… It has eggplant, too! I-”

“Go away. I don’t want to see you.”

“Oh. Alright…” Rin trailed off, and Kakashi could hear the dejection in her voice. Of course, if Rin was upset, Obito felt the need to jump to her defense.

“Why do you have to say that, Bakakashi?” Obito shouted. “You’re always so mean, and Rin was just trying to do something nice for you-!”

ooooh this is a cool section !! i’ll do my best to give a Good DVD Comment on it but i wrote it... at least a year ago so LMAO

the chapter begins with a nightmare and that nightmare ends with rin saying kakashi’s name when she was killed - and i liked the transition of her, in real life, saying it to him to wake him up. and kakashi’s freshly time traveled, so he’s disorientated and confused af. 

meanwhile, obito and rin are... concerned out of their minds. kakashi? sick? missing training? he must be dying. so of course they’re going to go check on him. but kakashi hasn’t actually seen them yet. it’s his first interaction with his formerly dead teammates (save for minato).

and he’s just confused, especially awoken from a nightmare like that, and his most significant memories of them are of their deaths, and he’s just not ready. not ready to accept this is his reality now, not ready to lock eyes with two people he failed so spectacularly and pretend like everything was normal, like he was his bratty 12 year old self who didn’t care when actually he cares so so much.

this is also the first time we see a theme prevalent throughout the first half of the story-- what does kakashi do different? does he hold them closer or push them father away? savor their presence or protect himself from another possible failure-- their possible deaths, again?

he just doesn’t know right then, so he pushes them away. he doesn’t have a solid plan of action and that scares him. he doesn’t know what he’s going to do and he can’t show them all this emotion that he has-- emotion that he’s not even used to dealing with himself --because if they see that emotion then they’re going to know something’s wrong and then they’re going to press him. press him for information he doesn’t have and isn’t ready to give. he just... doesn’t have any answers. and with kakashi the way he is, a strategic genius since he was a toddler, i imagine not knowing what to do is frightening. he’s always been quick on his feet, with a witty retort or a plan of action and here he’s got nothing. nada. the obvious tactical solution is to retreat until he does have a plan.

so he pushes them away. or tries to. rin is wholeheartedly concerned for him and wants to express that in a way kakashi would appreciate -- something practical, like a meal -- and she’s undeterred by his expected backlash. her concern for her teammate far extends the severity of his words, which she’s used to by now, and his barbs aren’t so much as barbs to her. she recognizes it for what it is: a defense mechanism. she also knows that he just can’t keep closing himself up but that’s pitted against her politeness and fear of upsetting him, which is why she gives up relatively quickly after kakashi insists that they leave.

obito, on the other hand, is vulnerable. he’s concerned for kakashi for once, not seeing him right now as a rival but a teammate in need-- because when, ever, has the prodigy kakashi seemed so human? --and when kakashi uses that vulnerability to push him away, obito gets understandably angry. he’s defensive of himself for being vulnerable, which was obviously a mistake since kakashi didn’t take the olive branch, and it presents as defensiveness of rin, even though she can well enough handle herself. why rin, though? well, we could just put gender roles into place and say something outdated like “he was protecting her” from someone she.. didn’t need protecting from. but in reality, he gets defensive over rin because he can’t get defensive over himself. saying that he didn’t like kakashi’s response is the same as admitting weakness, and 12 year old kakashi caught scent of weaknesses and exploited them like a bloodhound on a trail. and obito wants nothing more than kakashi’s respect, to see him as an equal. so if he shows that he’s concerned, that he’s hurt, kakashi would just see him as a crybaby plus some. since he wants to avoid that, shifting his protectiveness onto rin is the next best option.

ultimately it just presents a team dynamic that i thought was... fitting. obito and kakashi still clashing, right off the bat, as if nothing had changed although everything had changed. putting a bigger strain on their first true meeting. it’s all kakashi trying to juggle time traveling and his not-dead dead teammates and all this unusual physical pain he has in his left eye, while at the same time obito trying to handle kakashi and rin trying to handle the both of them.

i could honestly ramble about this a whole lot more -- i’ve already written a fuckn more in depth analysis of my own damn writing than i was expecting (why cant i do this on my college essays) -- but i think that about sums it up. can you tell i like introspection a whole lot? :)

[afroggyfrog]

Trying to build an AI to replace myself

I was suggested (jokingly) to build an AI that will replace me and I decided to give it an actual try. I decided to use GPT-2, it was a model that a couple years ago was regarded as super cool (now we have GPT-3 but its code isn’t released yet and frankly my pc would burst into flames if i tried to use it).

At the time, GPT-2 was considered so good that OpenAI delayed releasing the source code out of fear that if it falls into the wrong hands it would take over the world (jk they just didn’t want spam bots to evade detection with it).

The first lesson I learned while trying to build it was that windows is trash, get linux. The 2nd lesson i learned while trying to build it was that my GPU is trash, and after looking for one of the newest models online...

...I decided I’d just use Google’s GPUs for the training.

There’s 5 models of GPT-2 in total, I tried 4 of them on my pc and it crashed every single time, from the smallest to the biggest it goes

distilGPT2

GPT-2 124M

GPT-2 355M 

GPT-2 774M

GPT-2 1.5B

From a little reading around, it turns out that even though 1.5B is better than 774M, its not significantly better, and distilGPT2 isn’t significantly worse than 124M.Every other improvement is significant, so my plan was to use distilGPT2 as a prototype, then to use 774M for an actually decent chatbot.

The prototype

I created a python script that would read the entire message history of a channel and write it down, here’s a sample.

<-USERNAME: froggie -> hug <-USERNAME: froggie -> huh* <-USERNAME: froggie -> why is it all gone <-USERNAME: Nate baka! -> :anmkannahuh: <-USERNAME: froggie -> i miss my old color <-USERNAME: froggie -> cant you make the maid role colorlesss @peds <-USERNAME: Levy -> oh no <-USERNAME: peds -> wasnt my idea <-USERNAME: Levy -> was the chat reset <-USERNAME: SlotBot -> Someone just dropped their wallet in this channel! Hurry and pick it up with `~grab` before someone else gets it!

I decided to use aitextgen as it just seemed like the easiest way and begun training, it was... kinda broken

It had the tendency to use the same username over and over again and to repeat the same emote over and over again.

While it is true that most people write multiple messages at a time, one sentence each, and they sometimes write the same emoji multiple times for emphasis, it’s almost never as extreme as the output of GPT2.

But you know what? this IS just a prototype after all, and besides, maybe it only repeats the same name because it needs a prompt with multiple names in it for it to use them in chat, which would be fixed when id implement my bot (just kidding that screenshot is from after i started using prompts with the last 20 messages in the chat history and it still regressed to spam).

So i made a bot using python again, every time a message is sent

it reads the last 20 messages

stores them into a string

appends <-USERNAME: froggie -> to the string

uses it as a prompt

gets the output and cuts everything after a username besides froggie appears

sends up to 5 of the messages it reads in the output

waitwaitwait let me fix that real quick

hey, it’s saying words, its sending multiple messages if it has to, it never even reached the limit of 5 i set it to so somehow it doesn’t degrade into spam when i only get the messages with my name on it....

ok that was just one time

but besides the fact that pinging and emoting is broken, (which has nothing to do with the AI) it was a really succesful prototype!

The 774M

The first thing i noticed was that the 774M model was training MUCH slower than the distilGPT, i decided that while it is training i should try to use the default model to see if my computer can even handle it.

It... kinda did..... not really

It took the bot minutes to generate a message and countless distressing errors in the console

>this is bad

This is bad indeed.

With such a huge delay in messages it can’t really have a real-time chat but at least it works, and i was still gonna try it, the model without training seemed to just wanna spam the username line over and over again, but it is untrained after all, surely after hours of training i could open the google colab to find the 774M model generate beautiful realistic conversations, or at least be as good as distilGPT.

(I completely forgot to take a screenshot of it but here is my faithful reenactment)

<-USERNAME froggie -> <-USERNAME froggie -> <-USERNAME froggie -> <-USERNAME miyu -> <-USERNAME miyu -> <-USERNAME levy -> <-USERNAME peds -> <-USERNAME miyu -> <-USERNAME peds -> 

It had messages sometimes but 80% of the lines were just username lines.

On the upside it actually seemed to have a better variety of names,

But it still seemed unusable, and that is after 7000 steps, whereas distilGPT seemed usable after its first 1000!

So after seeing how both the ai and my computer are failures i decided I’d just give up, maybe I’ll try this again when I get better hardware and when I’m willing to train AIs for entire days.

So why in the hell is the 774M model worse than distilGPT?

I asked around and most answers i got were links to research papers that I couldn’t understand.

I made a newer version of the script that downloads the chatlogs so that messages by the same person will only have the username line written once, but I didn’t really train an AI with it yet, perhaps it would have helped a bit, but I wanna put this project on hold until I can upgrade my hardware, so hopefully this post will have a part 2 someday.

[spiffysixxsense]

Hello annoying best friend here to fulfill my duty by asking you to answer all of the cute asks

angel; do you have a nickname?

not really. my name is already short and I don't have a prominent quality to nickname me after. The only person who refers to me as anything other than my name is my boyfriend, but I don't think “babe/baby” really counts as a nickname lol

awe; how old are you?

24

baby; favorite color?

dark teal (blue-green? I've never found a good name for my favorite color)

bloop; spirit animal?

so because I didn't have a good answer for this, I decided to google a quiz to find out, lol. My answer was a deer. here's why;

When you have the deer as spirit animal, you are highly sensitive and have a strong intuition. By affinity with this animal, you have the power to deal with challenges with grace. You master the art of being both determined and gentle in your approach.

The deer totem wisdom imparts those with a special connection with this animal with the ability to be vigilant, move quickly, and trust their instincts to get out the trickiest situations

blossom; favorite book/movie/song?

i don't really have a favorite book, i don't read much outside of school (I wish i did)

movie: A Beautiful Mind

song: oh dear lord i cannot pick just one, but all-time favorite band of mine is Shinedown

blush; what was your stuffed animal as a child?

a little stuffed dog that looked like Kipper from the TV show, I still have him :)

breeze; most precious childhood memory?

lmao what came to mind was when i pledged to never drink, smoke, or say bad words. two out of fucking three ain't bad i guess. 

bright; mermaids or fairies?

(honestly neither but) fairies

bubbles; do you have a best friend?

given the asker, i would say yes :) also i am lame and my boyfriend is also my best friend 

buttercup; showers or baths?

S H O W E R S. hate baths!

butterfly; dream destination?

I've never had a huge desire to travel honestly. like sure i could say Italy or Greece look beautiful, but the actual act of traveling overseas really stresses me out lol. so i would have to say more like upper midwest, like Maine, in the fall time for all the pretty trees.

buttons; are you religious or spiritual?

i am neither

calm; favorite scent?

anything fruity - pineapple, mango, berries, apples. at least in terms of what candles i like lol.

candlelight; what did you dream about last night?

i do not remember anything from last night - the last dream i remember involved my boyfriend, dad and i being lost up north lol

charming; have you ever been in love?

currently 

cozy; eye/hair color?

hazel / brunette 

cuddly; what’s your favorite time period?

the 1970′s for the fashion

cupcake; favorite flower/plant?

love me a good succulent

cute; what did you get on your last birthday?

well this last birthday was amidst quarantine, so I got some candles and granola (my boyfriend knows me well lol)

cutie pie; most precious item you own?

i have no idea? what an odd question? probably some stuffed animal?

cutsie; what makes you happy?

picnics, alone time, my boyfriend, my cat choosing to cuddle with me.

daisies; describe a moment when you felt free.

I really cant think of a time I've ever felt truly free. maybe when i drove myself to school earlier this year & didn't have to wait for someone to pick me up? 

daydream; how do you want to be remembered?

as a light in others lives. happy, bubbly. things i currently am not

daylight; favorite album of all time?

gosh these dang music questions. well, Nickelback - All the Right Reasons was the first album i ever bought myself. then maybe Shinedown - The Sound of Madness (i cant pick one OKAY)

dear; zodiac sign?

Taurus 

delightful; concerts or museums?

concerts

dimples; have you ever written a letter?

yes? this question makes me feel old, lol. 

dobby; dream job?

criminologist. some way to be reducing the mass incarceration rate in the US. 

doll; how do you like to dress?

comfy, v necks and leggings. As i have gotten older i have slowly wanted to be more feminine i think, because i really want some sundresses for summer lol

dovey; any paranormal/magical experiences?

one! when i was 12ish, i swear i saw a reflection of a uniformed man (like old school soldier uniform - blue blazer with gold cufflinks) behind me in the glass of my snakes tank at the time. it was weird because the only reason i even looked that way was because my snake started shaking his tail against the glass, something that corn snakes do when they are scared, but also something that in his entire life had never done unprompted ever. 

dreams; do you want or have any tattoos?

want yes, have no

drizzle; do you believe in aliens?

100%. no way we are alone in this universe

euphoric; talk about someone you love.

he makes my days so much better :)

fairy; do you have a pet?

I have one little old kitty :)

fluffy; ocean or mountain?

to vacation, ocean. to live, mountain

forever; where do you feel time stop?

the secretary of state? lol

froglet; are you a good plant owner?

I've never owned a plant lol

garden; how many languages do you know?

one :(

gem; who are your favorite tumblrs?

@cy-ne-fin 

giggles; what is your aesthetic of choice?

sepia photography/old books that have yellowed into sepia. or fresh greenery on white marble. 

glittery; do you like anons? why/why not?

i don't really get any anymore, but as long as they are nice or just questions/venting, im down. don't be offended if i never answer though, for some reason i never get Tumblr notifications lol

glow; list the top 5 things you like about yourself

im compassionate

im empathetic (which is similar but im struggling to get to 5 lol)

im goal-oriented

im determined (once i have said goal. again, related lol) 

i guess i like my lips/lip shape

heart; silk or lace?

lace

honey; coffee or tea? how do you take it?

tea. iced, black or green really, with sugar. 

hugsy; do you enjoy people watching or bird watching more? why?

bird watching because it means i am probably alone and in nature as opposed to somewhere in a crowd of people. and i wont feel creepy for watching the birds lol

hunnybunch; what sounds help you sleep?

white noise, a fan running. if that's not enough, i enjoy asmr. if i am really struggling/having anxiety, i will look up sleep stories from the headspace app on youtube (life hack to not have to pay for the app lol)

jewel; what’s your favorite kind of weather?

to be outside, i enjoy just warm enough to be comfy in pants and a t-shirt (so like 65F-ish) and sunny.To be inside, i love when it is cooler (like 50F?) and raining. I love the look, sound, and smell of rain but it is usually just inconvenient to be in. 

jiggly; what do you usually like to do on weekends?

well now all days are the same for me, #quarantine, so the same thing i do every day, just about nothing, lol

joy; do you laugh loudly or giggle more?

i guess laugh loudly because i am a loud person in general. i have a deep voice

kinky; do you blush easily?

i don't think so, my embarrassment turns into sweat, not blush, lmao

kisses; what romantic cliché do you wish for most?

i guess being proposed to someday? but i don't have a certain dream way of it happening, just the fact that its happening is enough for me lol. id enjoy if someone (cough Elle or also maybe Michael lol) were secretly filming and/or taking photos of it? I am not sure how you'd manage that though

kitty; what’s your favorite time of the day?

late at night when everything is quiet

ladybug; what’s your favorite artist to listen to when you’re sad?

old school three days grace (one-x album in particular)

love; what is your favorite season and why?

i always gravitate to fall for the leaves and pumpkin patches. but honestly, i think my favorite season is spring. i love the newly budding trees and flowers, the feeling of renewal, the release from the horrible Michigan winter lol, but most importantly, spring time for my whole life as of yet has always meant that school is over for the semester! as opposed to the fall when the semester starts. this is very long winded but spring final answer lol

lovey; what is your favorite flavor of macaron and ice cream?

I've never had a macaron and blue moon ice cream 

magic; what are five flaws you have?

ooooo boy

im short tempered/angry too much 

im unmotivated (which is confusing maybe because i said i am determined earlier. you see, once i HAVE a goal i feel determined to finish it. but i am unmotivated to create said goals, lol) 

im nonconfrontational to a fault where i always put others’ feelings before my own

i let fear of change stop me from ever taking risks/ am anxious

i am stubborn and sometimes have a hard time admitting i am wrong

moonlight; do you prefer soft pastels, warm neutrals, or cool darks?

this depends - screw pastels. warm neutrals for makeup purposes, but cool darks for aesthetic or decor purposes

munchkin; what do you look for in your significant other?

someone who feels like home. I am not entirely sure how else to explain that. you just feel peace and content with them. 

paddywack; how would you describe a perfect date?

something that allows you to only be with your date - so like a picnic or hike or just a walk even. my boyfriend and i liked to walk around in the fall for me to take pictures of leaves while he played pokemon go (man i miss the pokemon go summer and i have never even PLAYED it, it was just so fun to be with him while he played)

pebbles; how do you spend free time by yourself?

on youtube usually

precious; what is something valuable that you learned in your life?

The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. if your family is toxic for whatever reason, you do not owe them your time strictly because they are family. 

pretty; do you like to cook or bake more?

cook, im not super into sweets & i want to enjoy the final product

prince; how would you describe your handwriting?

normal? like its legible but its not pretty or cute

princess; do you play any instruments? if not, are there any you wish you could play?

no:( wish i could play bass or drums

prinky; how do you relieve stress?

i don't :)

i really don't have an answer other than solving whatever is stressing me out, lol. i wish i had more mechanisms to calm me down but nothing i have tried has ever really worked

pumpkin; what is your favourite kind of fruit/vegetable?

you know these favorites questions are hard for me lol. right now, i am loving watermelon, but i also love most fruits. kiwis! vegetable, i feel like i have to say potato lol

rainbow; what was the last line of the last book you read?

lol the last thing i read had to be some academic text, so that's boring

roses; what is the most significant event in your life so far?

meeting Alex i guess, it changes my whole life path to have someone you want to do life with 

smile; what is one thing that has greatly affected you?

quarantine? lol

shine; art or music?

music is art.

shimmer; do animals tend to like you?

i think so. Elle’s dog griffin loves me for some reason lol

smitten; do you collect anything?

not really

smoochies; how many pillows do you sleep with?

4

snuggle; what is your favourite candy?

jolly ranchers 

snuggly; do you have a camera? if so, what kind?

nope

sparkle; do you wear jewelry?

nope

spooky; sunrise or sunset?

sunset

sprinkles; do you like to listen to music with headphones or no headphones?

headphones

starlight; what was your favourite show as a child?

Spongebob probably. unless we are talking like really tiny, toddler age, then Winnie the pooh

soft; describe your favourite spot in your house.

i live in a 2 bedroom apartment, there arent any spots. lol. my bed i guess

soothe; digital or vinyl?

i mean digital for convenience but vinyl for aesthetic 

squeezed; who do you miss right now?

i mean the only person i really actively miss ever is Alex. @cy-ne-fin sometimes, but i have also grown used to living away from each other

sugary; what traits do you value most in friends?

loyalty, honesty, & humor

sunshine; do you prefer for things to be practical or aesthetically pleasing?

if i must pick, practical. 

sweet; do you find it easy to open up?

absolutely not. i feel like a burden with my feelings even though i shouldn't 

sweetie; do you like kids? if so, do you ever want to have any?

honestly not really. am on the fence still about ever having any 

thimble; is there somebody you look up to? who are they?

not really

toot; what is something you find unique about yourself?

i am as average as they come man, nothing is unique about me lol

tootsie; what kind of friend are you?

like a background friend? like i am not very social, so we do not have to talk every day to be friends. so like im here if you need me, but i enjoy alone time. 

treasure; what was something that made you smile today?

the way my boyfriend looks at me, & as i was working on this my cat came to cuddle, which i gave as an answer earlier before he jumped up here :)

velvet; are you an early bird or a night owl?

night owlllllll

whiffle; if you could have a magical power, what would it be?

the power to heal those who are hurting (including myself)

whimsical; do you prefer doing stuff at home or going out?

home home home home

whiskers; do you usually wear makeup?

not anymore, i did in high school/early college years. not I've stopped caring

wiggly; are you a messy or tidy person?

messy? kinda in the middle really. 

wispy; do you like the place where you grew up? do you think you will live there when you get older?

my state, sure. my city in particular is definitely pretty boring

wobbly; have you ever wished upon a star?

I've never seen one :(

[go-diane-winchester]

Why Misha's fans behave so cult like

Thank you so much for the ask.  And don't apologize.  It is a very legitimate question.  First of all, I did a post of this subject as to why Misha's fans behave the way they do.  Why are they so willing to go to such extreme measures for a fictional ship?  Why don't they think twice before sending a death threat?  I hypothesized that Misha has the personality of a cult leader and he uses sympathy to gain support and devotees.  How was it that Misha managed to amass the support of a group of people with such similar personality types.  The only thing they haven't done for him yet is kill themselves for him.  Well, that is because they exhibit a group of personality traits that makes cult leader types like Misha prey on them. 

1.  They want to feel validated. 

They are looking for approval.  They want to be accepted.  They want to be part of a group.  What a cult does is that it welcomes you and immediately you feel like you are no longer an outsider.  The majority of people in Misha's destiel fan base are young people.  Teenagers feel very out of place.  School is a horrible social concept.  And most kids suffer throughout their entire schooling career, because they want to fit in rather than find at least one true friend and stick with them.  They don't realize that the whole school doesn't need to like you.  As long as you find one friend to care for you, you are fine.  The prettiest girl in you school [you know the one that has that handsome jock boyfriend - every school has one] also feels out of place.  If she has one little zit, she freaks out.  She managed to become popular and now if she gets toppled from the top, she will be a loser and it scares her.  So you see, it bothers everyone, even the popular kids.  Sometimes, I like being average.  Because even if you fall, you don't fall very far.  In the destiel cult, whenever one of them does something wrong, others clamour to explain the action and make excuses for each other.  They protect their own.  Even if the person is wrong.  They validate each other.

2.  They seek an identity.

There are people who feel like loners.  Like they don't belong.  They will be in a crowded room and still feel lonely.  They want to find their place in the world.  They want a group they can clique with.  With Misha, there are two groups.  The slash fans and the LGBT.  Slash is a personal thing.  When I was young and into slash, only a few girls in a chat room spoke about it.  They all were likeminded because they all liked slash and it was enough for them.  They never fought over ships.  When actors where asked about ships they were part of, they would just make a joke, smile and more on to the next subject because that is the right thing to do.  What Misha did, was speak openly about destiel.  So suddenly destiel had a ''platform''.  Instead of saying that slash was a personal thing, Misha said that slash was a taboo subject, and that he and the hellers were ''breaking the norm and making it acceptable''.  He also made it about the LGBT, who are an ostracized group in many social circles.  Certainly in a school environment.  So they started to feel that the destiel group was the only one that will ever welcome them.  That is how he recruits.  And that is why he speaks about destiel even when nobody asks him about it. 

3.  They are followers, not leaders.

These are people who want to look up to someone.  In this case, the cult leader.  They want to be told what to do, and they are very good followers.  They cling to every word that comes out of his mouth.  They will quote him, because to their ear, everything he says is quote-worthy.  In Misha's case, it is not just things that he says but also lines of dialogue that are written for his character.  Because the words came out of his mouth, they are significant.  In Misha's case, he doesn't give instructions directly.  What he does is, he plants a thought seed in their mind and from there it grows until the hellers take action because of that thought seed.  When he wanted his minions to fight off the girl whom he wanted a threesome with, all he did was tell his friends he was mugged and then tweeted to his fans that he got a few scrapes but that he was fine.  They just took it from there, stalking every social media account that the girl had and even following her onto Tumblr. 

4.  They seek meaning.

This ties in with looking for identity.  Every human being wonders what their purpose is.  They want to look for meaningfulness in their lives and their actions.  Some people do good deeds.  Some people look for faith and spirituality.  Some people indulge in an art form.  Slash fiction is an art form.  But what Misha has done, is he has overemphasized it so much, that now the hellers feel that this is their purpose.  They want destiel to be canon.  They want their hard work of fighting for it to be validated to achieve fruition.  And they will do anything to make that happen.  If it doesn't happen, the almost ten years of hard work that they put into campaigning for destiel will go down the gutter.  They don't want the ship to be canon because it deserves to be canon.  They want it to be canon, because they want to be right.  They want to tell people ''I told you so''.  I theorize that some of them don't even like destiel.  They just want to belong somewhere and fight for a cause.  It gives them purpose.  There are some people who identify as destiel positive. 

5.   They have schizotypal thinking.

Schizotypal thinkers are people who always have the most fantastical take on anything.  They don't think like other people.  If an incident happened, like a picture frame falling on the floor, logical thinkers will say ''maybe a gust of wind dropped it when someone opened the front door''.  Schizotypal thinkers will go for every out of this world, paranormal reason rather than the most common sense one.  They don't really have mental illness.  They just have colorful imaginations bordering on stupid.  There are cults out there that center their entire thinking around a particular fantasy or nightmare that these types of people have in order to attract them.  For people who feed on meta and headcanon, this cult chose destiel.  They want to theorize and speculate about a scene rather than accept it at face value.  Although I have noticed that seeking validation for Castiel and proving his importance is also something that they tend to do.  I hope you have never read destiel meta because it will mess you up.  Destiel meta is so over-reaching and shocking to logical thinkers because they dodge what would actually make sense, and go straight towards something that is nonsensical and ship friendly.  In fact, most of their posts are about really stupid, debunkable meta, because they want to prove how right they are about destiel.  They are not enjoying their ship.  They are suffering from it. 

6.  They are highly suggestible.

They are very gullible people.  When they find a cult leader, they believe everything he says.  Even if he has a sad excuse for doing something wrong, if he gave the excuse, then it is good enough for them.  They will accept the excuse.  I have seen Misha insult them to their faces and they just laughed.  That is because Misha has put himself into such an authoritative position that, they cant even dream of questioning him, and they will tear apart anyone who dares speak up against him.  Anyone who leaves the cult, has to do so without announcing it, because if they are stupid enough to announce it, they will be harassed, or a group of devotees will try to re-indoctrinate them.  Sort of like a therapy session to keep you in the group.    

7.  They constantly blame others.

This is fairly self-explanatory.  They don't take responsibility with they mess up.  Even as a group, they will put the blame on other people.  I have seen hellers pretend that death threats were never brought up in a conversation.  In fact, you have to remind them ''hello, I was talking about death threats''  to which they answer usually is ''we are not all like that''.  They literally don't recognize that they are causing damage here.  They think they are the victims.  They are they are being bullied because nobody wants to recognize their brand of truth.  They do that with their cult leader, Misha's behavior as well.  He can do no wrong.  One heller is currently making excuses for why he was leering at children through a school fence.  There is one more frequent characteristic I have noticed about them.  They ''misunderstand'' the argument being made.  I used quotation points, because they do it on purpose.  It is their way of throwing sand in your eye to confuse you so you wont know which way the argument is going. 

8.  They are always angry.

These people get angry at the drop of a hat.  They get defensive and are argumentative.  I theorize that social justice is very cult-like too.  Because social justice warriors get offended for everything.  These people have angry energy in them and they look for ways to expend their angry energy.  Sometime they will join groups that allow them to stay defensive over the imaginary injustice that they are suffering.  In the case, of destiel, they treat it like an ideology instead of a ship.  Because Misha Collins ''himself'' spoke up for destiel, it is worth fighting for.  Misha gave them half of their validation.  Canon will give them their other half.  Destiel shippers get so angry if they hear that someone hates their ship, its almost like you kicked their puppy or something. 

9.  They have very low self-esteem.

These people don't have any personal value.  All the value they have is attached to how they can contribute to the cult.  Misha have high level minions that he is in contact with, like Melanie aka mishasdiary.  She actually has fans of her own within the cult.  Can you believe that?  Misha puts the shippers down, but throws out something shippy, like bait to keep them hooked.  Its their drug so he dishes out liberally.  For example he will make a sexual remark about Dean and call the hellers perverts in the same conversation.  The high level minions will give the hellers a chance to earn Misha's respect by giving them tasks to do, for example voting for Misha, his character or destiel when need be.  Or perhaps fighting Jared for making a joke that ''offended'' them.

As far that that girl is concerned, sweetie, I think its safer for you to just stop talking to her.  Don't debate with her.  Don't reason with her.  She is not going to listen to you.  If she persists, just tell her very nicely that you would rather not talk about that.  The problem is not her death threats.  The problem is your immediate safety.  Hopefully, she will take the hint and leave you alone.  If she doesn't, then I think you might have to get an adult to intervene, like the school counsellor.  Don't confront her yourself.  The best bet is to go out of your way to avoid her as much as humanly possible.  I wish you the best of luck and let me know if that tactic worked. 

https://www.bustle.com/p/if-you-exhibit-these-9-personality-traits-youre-more-likely-to-join-a-cult-9432374.

[dazzlingfantasiesblogs]

Hurricane P20

Happy x Reader

Warnings/Triggers: Past emotional abuse. Separation. Rough Childhood. Smut. 18+ Only! If under 18 kindly un-follow me. 

Notes: I personally know what it is like to deal with past issues and needing someone to calm me down when things get to hard. If you deal with anxiety and past issues, please read with caution. 

Tags: @trippinjenni @moodygrip

Gifs and pics are not mine! I also do not own the underlined lyrics. I thought they worked great with this chapter. Love that song!

Watching Happys every movement he took a step back. “Y/N.. I had no one here..” he kept walking back. Your eyes had predator in them. Taking out your gun for the second time that night, you kicked open the door a little more. You seen two lights on. “Kozy sit.” The dog sat down on the porch whimpering slightly. Sliding off your heels you silently walked into his house. Something was off. Happy would not cheat on you in his own house. He was smarter then that. Walking silently down the hall to the master bedroom you put your gun around first. The room smelt a lot like the perfume now. Looking on the mirror you had gotten for you makeshift makeup table. You seen your name written on the mirror in lipstick. “Back off, go home. I don’t need your ruining my chance!” Was written on the mirror. Happy came running in. “The rest of the house is clear.” He looked at the mirror seeing the writing as well. “Y/N..” he whispered. You stared at the words and felt anger and sadness well in you. For some reason the words hit you more then they should have. Staring at the words it finally hit you why they reminded you of something.

“Get out! I don’t want you here anymore!” your father screamed at you. “Dad..” he threw a bottle of beer at your head. You dodged it just in time. Your heart cracked into two that day. The words rang in your ears as you walked out the front door. All you had was the backpack on your back. Walking down the street you knocked on Koziks door. He opened it up seeing tears welled in your eyes. “What happened?!” you couldn’t speak. He grabbed your hand pulling you into his chest. Rubbing his hand in your hair he shushed you gently, rocking side to side. His mom came out to see you crying in Koziks chest. “Come on in hunny.” Looking up you nodded to her. Kozik held your hand, walking you to his bedroom. All that night you cried on his chest. Your father was ruthless at times, however never laid a hand on you. Your mother left a few months back and after that your dad never wanted you around. You looked too much like your mother.

The next day you walked into your house to grab more of your stuff. Kozik next to you to break any conflict that could happen. You begged him not to come. He would not let you go inless he could come with.  You slowly shut the door. You were almost positive your dad was asleep. Creaking up the stairs you went to your room and grabbed more things. You grabbed some photos of your mom, Kozik and even your dad. Putting them in a duffle bag Kozik had given you to use and have. After grabbing everything you needed, you both went down the stairs. “What the fuck do you think you are doing here?! I told you to fucking leave!” Your dad appeared from the living room, screaming at you. The alcohol on his breath was strong. You stood back slightly. He went to grab your hand and Kozik shoved him back. “Stay the fuck away from her!” Your dad stumbled back. “Such a little brat.. always hanging out with this little boy. How worthless.” “Don’t you dare talk to him like that! You wanna know why mom left? Because you are a piece of shit!” you opened the door looking back at your father one last time. “I love you dad.. but your need to work on yourself.”

“Y/N..” Happy seen you zone out. Something was going on with you and he had no clue. Texting Kozik what happened Happy read the text.

Kozik: “Who the hell was it? Her father said something similar when she was a kid. That is when she left and we kinda moved around.”  

Happy: “Ok.. if I can’t snap her out of it. I might need you..”

Kozik: “All good. Tell her ‘I love her’”

Happy sat next to you on the bed. “Hun.. I love you. Kozik said he loves you too. This means nothing..” you looked at him with a blank expression. Nodding you stood up walking to the door. “He is on the couch.” Looking over you seen Kozy sitting on the couch. The moment he seen you he wagged his tail. You sat next to him and started to cry. Pulling him into your arm, the dog laid his head on your shoulder. You sniffled kissing the dogs head over and over. “ I love you Kozy..” The dog pushed closer to you, knowing you needed him. Happy watched the whole scene. He now understood how much Kozy meant to you and how amazing Kozy really was. Laying on the couch, Kozy crawled up to you, laying his head on your chest. Grabbing your phone you put on song. “Let beauty come out of ashes…” you whispered to yourself. Your mind sometimes played tricks on you. Your past flashed behind your eyes every time you blinked. Your chest started to rise and fall fast. Choking back another sob, Kozy whimpered licking on your face. “Babe..” Happy kneeled next to the couch, grabbing your hand. He held it tightly. “Let beauty come out of ashes…” you mumbled to yourself again. Happy knew some of your past, but you did not tell him everything. Mostly only things that involved Kozik. Happy hurd a knock at the door and opened it. Kozik stood there in his pajamas. “I can sense she is not ok..” he nodded no. Kozik jogged over to you, grabbing your hand. He pulled you up into his arms, holding you tightly. “Shh..” Happy watched Koziks technique of calming you. He brushed his hand over your head. Rocking you side to side he hummed gently to you. “It will be ok sis..” you nodded in his shoulders. “It has been years since you had an episode. This is getting better..” you shook a bit sobbing harder. “Let beauty come out of ashes..” Kozik sung gently. Happy listened to the song that was on repeat. “What’s left to say? These prayers ain’t working any more. Every word shot down in flames. What’s left to do? With these broken pieces on the floor. I am losing my voice calling on you… Cause I’ve been shaking, I have bended backwards till I am broke. Watching all these dreams go in smoke. Let beauty come out of ashes. Let beauty come out of ashes. Heaven I pray to god. All I am askin, Can Beauty come out of ashes?” Kozik whispered the lyrics to you. Happy looked up the song on his phone and read the song. “That song.. is fucking deep..” Happy said quietly. “She sang it often after you left.” His eyes met Happys. “It for some reason helps her.” “Can you use these tears to put the fire out in my soul, because I need you here..” you whispered in Koziks shoulder. Closing your eyes you seen your mother walk out of the door.

“Mom you cant leave me here!” you yelled as she walked to the taxi. “I love you y/n.  I can not do this anymore.” She kisses the top of your head. You remember feeling her long y/c/h running against your cheek. She shut the door of the taxi. You sat on the sidewalk, watching as it drove down the street. Crying hard, watching the cement turn a darker grey.

“Happy, in her purse she should have a pill bottle. Grab her one please.” “No brother..” “Yes, your heart is going a million miles a minute..” nodding Happy walked to the bedroom grabbing her purse. “I love you so much..” Happy kissed your head handing the pill to Kozik. Happy also handing him a water. You took the pill and drank the water. You sat on the couch calming down almost immidetly. “I am sorry to worry you Happy..” Happy wasn’t going to lie, he was unsure how to act. He had never seen you fall so low, so quick. Often when you where sad back in Tacoma, you locked yourself in the bathroom and took a nice long bath. Momentarily Happy thought about remolding his bathroom like the old one was, except painting the walls the color you wanted.

You felt yourself zone out. Kozik next to you, Kozy and Happy on the other side. They put on Futurama, both holding a hand of yours. “She was always scared to show you this side of her.” Happy looked to Kozik. “’She never wanted to show you her this weak.’ Those are her words not mine.” Happy looked at you as you laughed slightly at Bender, almost oblivious to them. “She is anything but. We all have our demons. She is unlike any other. I know a lot of people say that about there significant other.” Kozik laughed a bit. He felt his phone go off. “Hey Lily… Sure. Yeah. Alright. See you soon.” Kozik kissed your head “Bye sis, Lily needs me if you get my drift…” “Eww..” was all you replied. “Be safe and use a condom.” You hiccupped waving to him. He laughed hitting his knuckles with Happys. “See you bro.”

Happy scooted close to you, pulling you to his chest. Kozy following. He laughed that you and Kozy both snuggled against him. “Mm..” you pressed your nose to his shirt, inhaling his scent. “You smell good. Not like a whore house.” Happy laughed at your comment. “Well thanks for the comment I think..” you looked up at him, your eyes slightly dilated. Your mind needed to be occupied. The pills took the edge off but you needed more. “Kozy, bed baby boy.” Kozy stood up jumping to go to the bedroom. You crawled to sit on Happys lap. You bent down kissing his lips deeply. He was unsure why your mood changed so quickly. Who was he to question it? Moving your hips you pushed your clothes sex against his jeans. “Fuck…. Little girl don’t start something if you cant finish it..” his voice threating. “Oh I plan on finishing..” you licked down his chin. Grabbing the pocket knife on the side of his jeans, you flicked it open. He smirked a bit, trusting you with his life. You slid it down his shirt, ripping it open. Licking down you stripped off his pants and buckle. Setting the knife to his side on the coffee table, you dragged down his black boxers. Dragging your tongue over the tip he groaned. He watched your tongue dance across it, licking up a bead of precum. Internally he was beaming, seeing you still in your business outfit. He loved seeing you go from proper to his little slut in a few minutes. Engulfing his dick, you felt the tip hit the back of your throat. You kept going down, gagging slightly. Pulling up, saliva coated him completely. He loved watching it drip from your mouth over his dick. He grabbed the bun on top of your head, pushing your back down to keep sucking him. You where more then happy for the distraction.  Licking up and down, sucking in so your cheeks where hollow about did him in. The wet noises coming from your mouth and his dick had him on the edge in a matter of minutes. You stopped, pulling up your skirt to rest on your hips. Moving your panties over you sank down on him, moaning out. He put his hands under your ass, helping your move up and down on him. He ripped your shirt open, the buttons spreading across the living room. You noted to pick them up so Kozy didn’t eat them on accident thinking they could be a treat. Sinking all the way down, you felt him hit your womb and you cringed in pleasure. Happy watched you slide up and down, the sheer sight of your beautiful pussy working on him made him lose it. Your soaked folds gliding up and down. “Fuck… Baby..” he grabbed your hips slamming you down once, very hard. He came closing his eyes, mouth agape. His chest rose and fell fast. You laid against his chest, him still in you. “Fuck.. couldn’t hold it..” you smiled and nodded, already falling asleep. “Gotta clean up.” Nodding you got off of him, frowning at the loss of him. He frowned as well. “Love being in you..” he kissed your head. “What if I got pregnant?” you asked randomly. “Well.. I guess we would have a kid then.” Shrugging slightly he walked with you to the restroom. You seen Kozy asleep on the bed spread out. “Guess we got the couch tonight.” Happy laughed. “Why are you pregnant?” “Yep and its not yours.” Happy glared at you. “I am kidding. I only don’t use condoms with you.” You said plainly. “Y/N L/N!” “Just kidding babe.” He rolled his eyes groaning.

After getting cleaned up, Happy helped you out of your shirt and skirt. Grabbing a shirt from his drawer you put it on. It skimmed the top of your thighs. “Fuck you make my shirts look so good.” He kissed your cheek, grabbing your hand, walking back to the couch. Almost immediately you fell asleep on him. Happy combed through your soft hair. He stared at the different features that made up you. He hated seeing you break down like that. How could a woman handle a beating from a lunatic but the moment of the thought of their dad turn them into a puddle of tears and pain. If Happy had his way he would find your dad and beat the living hell out of him. Hell he was not even sure if your father was alive. He thought about how Kozik held on to you, stroking your hair and your back, humming to you slightly. It was amazing how close you two had been. For so long he thought for sure you two would be an item. Intel he seen him protect you. He could tell that was family love. He pressed soft kissed to your head, his hands moving to your hips, making small circles. He watched as you breathed in and out softly as you slumbered. He could not remember a time he felt this content in the last two years. The thought of something happening to you tainted his calm feeling however. Today alone you tackled some teenager with a gun. Being shot at such close range could surly kill you, hell if not it would defiantly mame you.

Falling asleep Happy moved in his dreams. He kept having nightmare after nightmare. He woke you up screaming your name out. Sitting up you gently shook him. “Happy, Happy!” Happy woke up, his vision blurred, unsure who was on top of him. He threw you across the couch to the floor. When his vision came too, he seen you on the floor. “Shit! Babe!” HE stood up quickly. You put your hand up signaling you where ok. “Baby..” you put your hand in his awaiting hand. He pulled you up. “I didn’t mea..” you put your finger to his mouth to stop him. “I should have known better then to wake you that way. I am fine. Just a couple bruises I am sure.” “Kozik will kill me if he sees bruises on you..” you laughed a bit. “What was the dream about..?” Happy looked to the ground. Rarely did Happy look like a scared puppy. “I was tied up… you where being tortured in front of me…” sighing you pressed a kiss to his chest where his heart was. “Babe.. I am ok.”

[thisiskindagross]

Better late than never. Here’s your question dump for some things y’all have been curious about. I did 55 questions.

1. why does heaven get to distribute death sentences to the Fallen if they decide to directly serve satan? I'm talking about what happened with ipos and sheila. Did the fallen have to sign a contract or something saying they cant talk to satan after the fall? why would heaven even care, since the fallen chose to leave heaven on their own free will and aren't their business anymore?

Heaven’s strange in the sense that they give themselves that authority. They are aware that the Fallen follow Satan and have pledged their allegiance to him, so they don’t care if they have contact with him; however, there are a select few Fallen that Heaven doesn’t want talking to Lucifer about certain things. Ipos was one of those people. They pretty much told him not to discuss anything involving Heaven as a whole, or giving Lucifer any help to give him an edge during the Apocalypse or else they’d punish or kill them depending on how severe the information was. So Ipos finding out about the Horsemen and where they were and telling Lucifer was a big enough deal to Heaven for them to shut him down.

2. So Michael fights with a torch, Zad fights with a knife, and Chamuel fights with two short sickles. Do the other archangels have distinct weapons like these? If so, what are they?

Uriel has God’s light, Gabriel has a spear, and Jophiel has the wheels of fire on his ankles since he’s the fastest angel. Raphael doesn’t have a troop to command so he’s not great at fighting, but he does have something that comes up in the Memory Arc later that he uses.

3.  I noticed during the "Wager" update that Pestilence has a scar going down her back. How did she get it?

This is kinda not released yet so I’ll be vague, but it’s not so much of a scar as it is an orifice.

4.  We know that Zadkiel put Satan's summoning symbols on a pad to "protect him during the End of Days", but why specifically? Like did Zadkiel know that Natalie was the prophecy child from the get-go and wanted to get her on Luce's side? Or was it just to delay the fight between him and Michael?

They did not know specifically Natalie was the prophecy child, it was more of a gamble. It was done to delay the fight because Michael isn’t the kind of person to harm someone in a contract, so the unlucky person who got contracted to Satan was like a temporary meat shield so to speak.

5.  About how far are we into the story you envisioned telling?

This is hard to answer cuz I have something planned at a later date, but I’d say a decent amount in.

6.  Which of the angels/demons would be the best with kids? I feel like Anthea and Gabriel would be great parents tbh

Gabriel, Chamuel, Anthea, Uriel, to name a few.

7.  what's titus' birthday?

October 23. I believe I said a different date in a stream once, but I changed my mind and set this as the official date.

8.  Has Michael ever been put in the Tank? What was his reaction?

He has never been in the Tank before.

9.  Why wasn’t Raphael punished for healing Natalie at Oregon? He helped out the "other side" too, it wasn't just Gabe. Did Michael never find out about Raphael's involvement? Or DID he know and he just chose to punish Gabe because he's the one that dragged Raphael into the situation? Love your work btw!

Michael knew Raphael was involved, but I think a little bit of him was sympathetic since he had been stabbed and poisoned and was on his death bed not long before this.

Since I haven’t publicly explained what the Tank is or does yet, I have to be vague. But Raphael is the only angel in Heaven forbidden from even going near the building where they keep the Tank. There is actually a sign on the door and guards forbidding Raphael from entering the building. Since Raphael is the only healer of Heaven and he’s a very depressed/easily influenced person, the higher ups don’t think the Tank would be a beneficial punishment for him.

10.  How did Raguel get his job? Like what about him stood out to Heaven? Does he just hide his sociopathic tendencies well lol

Raguel was created purposefully with the intent of being a replacement angel if one of the Archangels were to die. The Higher Ups asked God to make them an angel as a sort of “test run” angel and he reluctantly agreed.

The Higher Ups want angels to have very little interest outside of their jobs, and not be emotionally fueled. Raguel’s literally the first attempt at a prototype of an “emotionless” angel that will only obey orders.

They’re going to find out that that’s not the case with him later.

11. Are you planning any couples?

There will be some couples, there will be some “flings” that don’t last, there will even be some children. But that stuff’s very far away UuU

12.  Hi （〜^∇^)〜 In the beginning, did you plan for Satan and Me to just be comedy and then you came up with the plot or did you have the plot in mind when you started the comic ? (By the way, I love this comic and the others you create (♥ω♥*) Keep up the good work and take as much time as you need to do so, we fans will always support you ( ˘ ³˘)♥)

I just doodled, though I had no interest in keeping it a comedy. I like drama/angst with comedic and romantic elements. But no, I just went with whatever came into my head when I sat down.

Thank you for the support!

13.  does hell know that a part of natalie is still there?

Yes, it knows.

14.  Do you plan what you're going to write on each page or do you make it up as you go along?

I sit down and whatever happens, happens. I let the story dictate itself.

15.  is god going to show up again in this arc or is he just staying in his lane?

I have no intention of God showing up again this arc, but anything’s possible.

16.   I'm curious about the significance of characters that have the black iris but the colored pupil. Is that to show that the characters are more reserved, bc I've seen you do it with both Raph and Francisco and they're both on the quiet side

Pure coincidence, my friend UuU

17.  I don't know if you'll see this or if it'll be answered/has been answered already but- I was just wondering if perhaps we would be seeing War again before the comic ends? I really enjoyed his character, even though he's a little shit.

You will see War again in the Memory Arc.

18.  It seems like Kristi is always with Laila, but now a sleeping bag? Is Kristi's home life okay or is it just a sleepover?

Just a sleepover. Kristi takes some comfort clinging to Laila because Laila is calm and collected. She’s scared all the time since meeting Satan so she clings to Laila since she doesn’t know anyone else who is aware about supernatural beings, except for Natalie.

19.  How are Michael and Gabe right now I'm really worried about them!!!

Michael is upset about Lucifer’s wings and Gabriel is just getting his thoughts together after being in the Tank.

20.  Will uriel ever find out that he basically killed anthea?

Yes. Gabriel confronts him later.

21.  Sorry if you've answered this before because I couldn't find it but what does Zadkiel identify as? I know the angels and demons refer to them as she and they were a woman up in heaven (if I'm correct) but down on earth they've seemed to have favored a male form which I find really cute (and hope they continues to use throughout the comic sometimes) so yeah! Also if they are annoy would they be considered transgender or is that not a thing for the angels and demons? Hope you feel better Orange!

Zadkiel was originally intended to be written as genderfuid, but it worked out with them being nonbinary. I don’t believe they go by a specific male or female gender, but they do prefer the male form because it’s the form that they have the best success of making people submit with, unfortunately.

I wouldn’t call Zadkiel transgender in canon, but y’all can headcanon anything you want. Go nuts! :~)

22.  can demons and angels procreate with people? like why else would they have nuts to kick? or is just the body they're in?

They can procreate; however, it is illegal to procreate with humans. They would be executed as well as the human and child they procreated with an conceived.

23.  Here's the real question everyone should be asking. Where is Natalie's black bow/headband thing?

Perhaps it needs to make a comeback.

24.  Is Raphael still using "borrowed time"? Will that be touched on later in the comic?

Yes he is, and yes it will be.

25.  Will Zoè and Chamuel ever get some screen time together? Like it says in their profile that they're dating but Ive seen each of them like once or twice and on separate occasions

Yes, they will.

26.  WAIT! Why has no one asked this? What happened to Carla after the hospital situation?!

Michael delivered her back to her housing district in Heaven and left it at that.

27.  For some reason the Here It Comes comic account is marked as sensitive content suddenly. Is there anything you or myself could do about it?

While Satan and Me is relatively tame, Here it Comes is Mature in every sense of the the word. That blog has been set as a mature blog so you’d need to manually go into your settings to turn the safety off and you can see it again :~)

28.  Have you ever considered submitting a pitch bible to like Cartoon Hangover of Mercury Filmworks before? You have plenty of content and support! They could probably make SaM and even some of your other stories into animations n stuff?

Tbh I have no idea who those people are lol I’m out of the loop with stuff like that.

29. Does Gabriel have any crushes atm or that will develop?

Gabriel’s still stuck on Anthea right now.

30.  quick question about ipos' book. does it reveal stuff about the future like the real ipos he's based off of or is it just this big encyclopedia?

This is more like an encyclopedia he made to help Lucifer. He was good networking and digging stuff up so it’s a highly sought after book.

31.  If you don't mind me asking, do you ignore asks sometimes? Like, questions about the comic? It's fine if you do, but I wanted to confirm because I've sent a few questions before that were never responded to and I wasn't sure if they were received and just not answered or if my computer messed up sending them (which it does a lot).

I do sometimes if I know it will be explained later in the series. But for the most part I get a lot of asks and can’t address them all, and I don’t want to clog the blog with asks. So I do these question dumps from time to time so it’s more organized.

32.  In "No More Angels" how did Titus know Uriel was an archangel? Just from the sound of his voice? Uriel mentioning Raphael and Satan in the first panel might answer my question but I wasn't sure if he was just talking to himself or not.

Titus could feel stronger auras from people. They gave him headaches growing up, a sort of “side effect” of self preservation from Cain’s curse. He also did a lot of research and had seen a couple of supposed sightings of angels. Uriel happened to be one of those of the two he knew about.

33. you said that satan hates humans and sees them as beneath him and lower than dirt. how does this compare with how he sees natalie, since she is a human?

I’m sure he struggles with that from time to time, but her pros outweigh her cons. It’s shown sometimes in the series that he doesn’t like humans and finds a lot about them unappealing, exp: anytime she cries or drools or has a runny nose and he calls it leaking.

This will be touched upon later in the next Arc. Natalie isn’t just some positive kid who swayed an ancient heart. There is another element to it but I can’t say it right now.

34.  Does the devil ever get self-conscious about all the different depictions of himself and now he may or may not be able to live up to some of them?

It frustrates him a lot, but he can’t really do much about it.

35. I know you've had S&M planned out for a long while, but do you ever get to an arc and it just veers off wildly in a new direction? Or does it always get back to where you're going somewhere down the line?

Key elements stay the same, but yes, the events and characters just do what they want and I get surprised sometimes how different it turns out than originally intended.

The warehouse scene with Jericho and Natalie using her contract was out of left field and I was like “What the fuck are you saying?!” when Natalie used it because the original goal was to keep them contracted till the very end of the series. Sometimes stuff like that happens lol But it works out and I love it.

36.  In The Beginning, when Zad defected, Michael blamed Lucifer, and Lucifer made him think he'd actually been controlling Zad's actions. But I noticed Michael was all betrayed and surprised when that happened, so my question is, did Michael still have some sort of faith or trust in Lucifer until the Zadkiel incident? Cuz that seemed to prompt this character shift in Michael where he got broodier and less trusting?

I think Michael struggles with his denial about his brother. He’s floating on a blurred line of who he remembers Lucifer being and who he is in the present. The incident with Zadkiel made him a bit broodier because even though Lucifer’s an asshole, Michael never thought he’d stood so low as to blood poison his siblings. So that surprised him how cavalier he was being about taking credit for this. Like he lost some respect for Lucifer then.

37.  I have a question. Back in the beginning, there was that one day when Satan was all happy cuz he said it was game day and the world was gonna end. And then we went on this whole journey that ended in Run and basically didn't talk about it again. So why didn't the world end?

Game day meant that date was to start the beginning of the Apocalypse. Both sides were free to do anything they wanted, as agreed upon by Heaven, the Fallen, the Horsemen, and God. Before that they were coexisting but all parties going forward from that date were going to actively try to fuck over each other and drag humanity into it.

38.  I was rereading the entire comic (cuz jesus fuck I can't stop) and I found a thing. Before Run, Satan was always reading this blue book, and Nat would bust in and ask him a question or something. But the book always looked exactly the same. So was there anything particularly important about that book, or was it just always there?

It’s his favorite book. He has limited access to entertain himself stuck in Natalie’s home, so he’s reread the same books over and over.

39.  I noticed something. We've seen a bit of pre-fall Lucifer, and he looks different from both 'Stan' and the Satan we usually see now. Is there a reason he doesn't take his angel form anymore?

Pre-Fall Satan is tiny. It’s not intimidating enough, so Lucifer chooses to not take that form. He actively puts energy all day to maintain his bigger form, and would do so even fighting Michael, despite the fact if he reverted to his original form he would have more energy to fight. If he gets hurt badly enough or gets mentally compromised you can see him start regressing to his original form.

40.  Okay, so I was wondering. In that first arc when we met everybody, you could tell that Michael had been trying to catch up with Lucifer for a while, but he was also the one who ripped his wings off and threw him out. So I was curious, what was their first encounter after the fall like? And how did they get to that point?

Their first substantial encounter after the Fall is a story in the Bible where they argue over Moses’ dead body. They had casually run into each other before that but made no direct contact other than eye contact across a crowd.

Michael and Lucifer have had minimal contact since the Fall, hence why Satan’s reactions to Michael’s presence early on usually resorted in shocked anger and beating the shit out of him. How much contact they’ve had since Natalie came into the picture hasn’t happened since pre-Fall.

41.  Was Death created by God after or at the same time humans were created? Why does he hate Satan so much?

God created Death when he created the angels. He needed a mediator or a balance of sorts, since he established life he needed Death for consequences.

Death hates Satan because he taught his followers how to make contracts with humans and disrupt where their souls were going. Death is very particular about his job and Satan interferes too much. He also thinks he’s smug, entitled, and pompous. Which he is, so you can’t really fault him on that lol

42.  Hey orange, I'm not sure if this'd be spoilers or not, but is hellLuci a soul or a personification of hell or something? Who is he? And why hasn't he tortured Nat or something?

“Hell Satan” is a conglomerate of human souls taking Lucifer’s form to bother Natalie and gain her trust to mess with her. These souls do that to Lucifer too occasionally, where it takes Natalie’s form now it used to take Michaels. Pretty much whatever a close person is to Satan or Natalie, it morphs to it.

The main soul that usually talks the most when in Hell Satan’s form used to be a human named David, but since Hell fuzes souls together as one unity, it’s not likely he has any sense of individuality, just personality traits. Such as intrigue in long hair, as well as playing mind games.

Hell Satan takes its time before going straight into depravity, hence why when Natalie’s soul was removed from Hell, it was even willing to risk being pulled under into the lake to get her back. It feels robbed, and that’s a good way to get an immediate reaction from Hell.

43.  Is Satan's desperately thinking of asking Michael to help him because he's scared and he didn't mean for this to happen and he doesn't know what to do and he's lost and HE NEEDS HIS BIG BROTHER, a further sign of Natalie causing him to revert to the part of his nature that cares for others like he used to back when he and Michael were close????? Also Natalie made a bet in the early chapters were she said she'd get him to care about one person before the end of the world, does he remember that?

Yes, he remembers that. And yes, Satan’s go to to fix something if he ever thought he couldn’t would be to seek out Michael for help. It’s not intentional, but it’s his first instinct before he represses it. Boy needs to get out of denial.

44.  I saw the Group SaM Asks, but, I really wanted to ask if angels could still date humans? or be around them frequently, like Michael and kristi?

You can be around them but you cannot date them, marry them, have children with them. It’s also an unspoken rule to keep your identity a secret.

45. Why was Satan the only angel in heaven to not have any piercings? Did that have something to do with why he was able to rebel?

God gave “special case” angels no piercings, in a way of hinting that something was going to go down with a particular angel. Most angels noticed the ones without piercings, but didn’t know what it meant till after the fall. Now any angel without a piercing is looked at suspiciously, just in case.

46. I'm in a lot of fandoms who the fandom is very lighthearted but the fangroup is very dark *cough me cough * but this fandom here is talking about FREAKING SATAN and the fangroup is so lighthearted and is joking,playing pranks, ...I have to ask HOW?!

I don’t know, but it’s my favorite thing in the world

47.  Based off of his reaction, was Hell's chatter constant (like 24/7) even when Lucifer's seals weren't leaking?

Yes, it was never ending whispers/static in his head. When Natalie shut it off he was in shock for a while and zoned out for a bit because he wasn’t used to silence.

48.  What was laila's natural hair color?

Very light brown.

49. So I'm curious, what ever happened to Max's biological father? He and Carla divorced, but then what? Is he still part of Max's life? Did he die? Did he mutate into a zombie and become an extra on the Walking Dead? Sorry if this has already been asked, btw

He’s a deadbeat. Teen father, too hard, walked out. Not really part of the picture.

50.  IT BREAKS MY HEART HOW MICHAEL STILL INVITES HIM EVERY YEAR. The relationship between Michael and Lucifer is almost as big a part of the comic as Lucifer and Natalie and it's seriously heartbreaking. Could you maybe just talk a little about that?

Michael was the first angel Lucifer connected with. Michael was always very bubbly and lighthearted, which is a personality trait Lucifer gravitates towards. They were virtually inseparable and did everything together. So when Lucifer rebelled Michael took that extremely hard. He wasn’t ordered to physically retaliate when the Fallen were leaving, but he was emotional and angry and felt betrayed so he ordered the Fallen to have their wings removed if they were caught before they were kicked out so they couldn’t come back into Heaven.

Despite both of them saying they don’t care about each other anymore, it’s kinda obvious that it’s a lie. Lucifer doesn’t like seeing Michael because of old memories so he avoids him or tries to lash out/hurt him when he does see him to make himself feel better.

Natalie is the first person Lucifer developed a very close emotional bond with since Michael, and Michael is very jealous of that. Natalie and Michael are two people who aren’t aware of it that are competing in Lucifer’s heart.

51.  I just noticed in the most recent doodle dump on tapastic, there's one drawing of Natalie and lucifer kissing and lucifer is crying and his back is bleeding, and I thought it was a little weird that that "doodle" had a full background and everything. I was wondering if that was possibly the original idea for after Natalie came back to life and just got scrapped in favor of a more heartbreaking story line??

No, that was for April Fools and I let people request pairings and Natan was requested so I drew that since the current plotline at the time was so angsty lol

52.  so does pax just have a lot of libido or does he actually experience sexual attraction? just curious!

Both? I mean, he’s not picky with women. He just likes to hook up and whatever’s convenient at the time is good enough for him. However, he does have preferences and traits he prefers over others, so if given the option of fuckin Girl A who possesses 30% of his favorite traits or Girl B who possesses 80% of his favorite traits, he’d try for Girl B first if that makes sense.

53.  for the question dump: what is natalie's academic life like? like what's her GPA and has it lowered since she got involved with this end of days business? shes a senior, so was she planning on going to college? if so, what did she wanna major in? loaded question but i've always been curious

She had a relatively high GPA. She put a lot of effort into school, and tutored some classmates. Since she’s missed a lot of school her grades did go down, but not to the point that she won’t graduate if she gets at least Cs in her classes.

She is planning on going to college but not immediately. She’s a biology major.

54.  No mean to sound rude or anything like that, it's just a suggestion, but don't you think it would be better for you to have an assistant to help you for your comics?

I would, but sadly I cannot pay them anything, and I have an odd schedule so it would be too erratic to keep in touch with someone. I also don’t have anyone I trust giving access to the comic with that much authority atm, so for now it’s just gonna be lil old me :’~)

55.  Michael and Lucifer break my heart (I can relate, God). And this is kind of a huge deal now since we've got Michael feeling nostalgic about Lucifer and freaking out cause of his wings, so I have to ask: which of them is angrier at the other? And is there any chance of forgiveness on either side??? I care about this much more than I should and I need to knooooow!!! Help me Orange

Mmm... Angrier.... Idk, they’re both angry for different reasons. Currently in the comic atm I’d say Lucifer is angrier, since Michael is now just ensconced in grief over the wings. When he processes that we’ll see what stance he takes and if that sanded any of his rough edges or not.

Forgiveness is up to them UuU They’re both alike in how stubborn they are.

[hogsteeth-archive]

alright then i answered one of them oc questions things for both versions of ira bc like. why wouldnt i. first answer is 1976 58y/o rhodesian ira, second answer is 201x 16y/o houstonian ira. i just wanted to figure out how different they really are. questions from here. if readmores still dont work on mobile im sorry lmao

what are some things they have strong opinions about?

he has sort of a cioranian attitude to the value of life, like, hes one of them “theres always reason to kill a man, theres no way to justify his living” types. he doesnt believe in nationalism per se but he does believe in war, hes literally a mercenary, and hed probably get along just fine with someone like mike hoare, but hes not one for unnecessary cruelty. hes kind to who he considers innocent. if he was alive today i can see him getting grouped w/ like, anti-natalists, right-wing “primitivists,” people who browse /fo/, people who think theyll thrive in the post-apocalypse even though they cant even spin yarn, people who dont understand fallout, you know, those types, but i like to think his attitude wrt civ is closer to perlmans or, well, mine. its a good thing he doesnt live in internet times. he thinks technology makes people complacent and weak and hes fallen into the trap of the “noble savage” myth; sign of the times. he could just as easily live off the grid in like, alberta, but he chose to stay in southern africa bc of his colonial attitudes & fetishization of the “less developed.” (sidenote, if youre like, new here n reading this for some reason, yea i write like really really bad characters were talking irredeemably evil here, just like, know that im aware of that.) also he detests hippies for both bad and good reasons ⸻ not much, really, hes an opportunist, a hedonist, hes selfish, goes w/ the flow. he thinks denying yourself pleasure for no reason is microfascism — not in those words — and while he doesnt think that selfishness leads to a bettering of overall society, hes no randian, he feels justified in what he does. hes uh, a mercenary in spirit and ive always intended to have him join the marines n later work for a pmc but were nowhere near there yet

what traits do they like in other people? what traits do they not like?

he likes people (men, that is) that are exactly like him. he likes Narrator bc hes just as quiet, as patient, as stubborn, as antisocial (using that the right way here, i like, know about psychology), as violent, as old-timey-ly masculine as he is. he can tolerate clade (his former accountant) bc she keeps to herself and shes loyal to a fault, but he doesnt go out of his way to like, actually talk to her. he likes will bc he reminds him of what he was like as a child living with his matabele mother. ⸻ he hates everything he perceives as weakness, but hes not all that open about that, i think hes not even 100% aware thats what it is. he needs to be talked back to. he lacks compassion, doesnt know how to deal w/ anyone whos less resilient and abrasive than himself.

do they have a significant other? if so, who?

i mean, theres Narrator — thats kinda what this whole thing is about. but theyll never think of each other that way. its complicated. theyre uh… closer to being marlow and kurtz than to being boyfriends. idk how to explain it. its bad. ⸻ hes fake-dating millah for appearances and secretly seeing jack, im not sure about the details either so im not getting into that, but hes eventually gonna meet will; ive written their first encounter like ten different ways and i still dont really know what i wanna do w/ them........ also Complicated

whats their friend group like? what role do they play (leader, mom friend, etc.)?

he lives in a hut he built w/ his bare hands on the edge of the kalahari. his friends are one horse and one vaalboskat. ⸻ he uses his friends but they use him too. hes reasonably popular bc hes athletic n wealthy, but i think the only one of his friends who really truly sees thru his act is millah, and bc he doesnt take her seriously as a threat, she has more control over him than he realizes.

do they care about their physical appearance? whats their routine like?

nah ⸻ not really. he showers too often and his hairs kinda dry but other than that hes like. Normal. idk i dont care about these things

do they have any physical or mental disabilities?

i dont think so ⸻ he has adhd

what would they die for? kill for?

oh hes not picky. he joined the military at 17, hes made peace w/ the prospect of dying. hes been more uncomfortable w/ the thought of growing old, actually. and again, hes literally a mercenary. not a big deal to him. ⸻ i dont think hes selfless enough to die for anyone. hed kill to protect the people he cares about, but thats more just bc hes possessive. im sure thats gonna come up eventually. i cant really write shit w/o weaving murder in somewhere.

do they have any magical powers or abilities? if its a realistic world, what religion do they follow?

absolutely the fuck not i hate magic. hes not religious, actually feels a little intimidated by religion. in one version of his story he spends his 50s on east nusa tenggara where he doesnt live far from a church, and he makes peace w/ the concept of god thanks to the influence of catholic-raised Narrator, but i doubt hell ever actually step foot into a church, or temple, or mosque, or what-have-you. hes internalized some things during his upbringing though that he doesnt classify as religious. little superstitions. he likes to keep objects that may be used for divination around his house, but he never touches them. ⸻ not religious, but if he had to pick, like to pretend, hed say baptist.

do they celebrate any holidays? how do they celebrate?

nah ⸻ like, the regular american ones. hell welcome any excuse to drink and to socialize, and id say his favorite holiday is the 4th of july, really just bc he likes warm weather and theres not a lot else you can celebrate in the middle of summer. hes not attached to the significance of any holidays. hes not crazy about christmas but he likes his family well enough and hell go along w/ it all, just to have sth to do. hes not good w/ time off.

if they were the protagonist in any book series, what series would they choose? alternatively: what would be their favorite book?

he doesnt really read but hed feel right at home inside heart of darkness or maybe the thin red line. or maybe sth by mccarthy ⸻ hes 16 he hasnt read jack shit. i wanna say deleuze would probably resonate w/ him bc hes a total self-insert but i really dont know. i try to keep the intertextuality way low bc i hate that shit in most fiction, so like, i try not to think too much about other books here

do they have any vices?

uh he drinks and he occasionally smokes opium but compared to most of my characters hes pretty okay wrt that ⸻ yea like… all of them. already said hes a hedonist make of that what u will

do they play any instruments?

nope ⸻ violin but he hasnt been practicing a lot lately

what would their favorite ride at an amusement park be?

hes never been to one ⸻ i feel like hed be into sth really lame… like you know that video by jenny nicholson, top ten lame things to do at disney world? sth like that. like hed go just to get a specific food item or to admire the infrastructure

what animal would they say best represents them?

hyena 100%. the spotted kind. id say tortoise also but hed find that insulting ⸻ id say hyena but hed be reluctant to answer that bc hes a Youth and he knows what a furry is

how do they act when theyre drunk?

vulnerable. little more talkative. he talks to himself (or the cat, rather) sometimes ⸻ more abrasive/tactless/impulsive. he talks w/ his whole body and feels like moving/running bc, again, self-insert

which era of history would they most like to live in?

the old west, like early to mid-19th century, maybe late 18th. that or like the really olden days, like mid-paleolithic ⸻ idk maybe like ten or twenty years earlier. i think he fits the 21st century pretty well. hes a curious person though and if he had a time machine hed go Everywhere at least once

whats their favorite food?

ah thats. complicated actually i have a whole list of foods that remind me of Narrator but ive never gotten around to making one for ira. hm. he likes poultry, like ostrich. white fish. dry/salty foods. sour fruit. breadfruit. fatty dark meats, blood sausage. hes not picky though, hell live on pap and water if he has to. ⸻ i genuinely dont know. im not used to the contemporary western setting yet like… pop tarts exist in the same world as he does and im not comfortable w/ that yet. like, branded food articles wrapped in plastic. thats so weird to me. i guess he likes (american) pizza w/ greens on it, like spinach? and seafood. sour candies, maybe, i dont think he has much of a sweet tooth. he puts salt n butter on potatoes and cottage cheese on pancakes.

what songs remind you of them?

conveniently theres a whole playlist rite here

whats their favorite season and why?

dry season. he doesnt like cloudy/foggy weather bc it makes him feel trapped when he cant see as far. ⸻ summer. i honest to god think people liking cold weather is a conspiracy like im not sure thats even biologically possible. like summer is the obvious answer here

which d&d class would they play as?

nah we dont do nerd shit round these parts

whats their favorite expletive?

he like, barely talks ⸻ nothin weird thats for sure, we campaign for simple straight-forward language in this house. having a Favorite is inherently at odds w/ that. bad question

whats their favorite candle scent?

no scented candles in the desert ⸻ sth fruity but not sweet, like mixed berries, sth red or purple

how do they feel about death?

he doesnt ⸻ hed feel cheated by life if he died young. he has a lot to see and do and itd like, bum him out not to get to do that but hes not afraid of death

do they collect anything? whats their most prized possession?

he lives pretty austerely but he does keep little rocks and gems and bones and pieces of wood n such. also coins from all the countries hes been to bc hes a simple old man. i wanna say his most prized possession is his hogs tooth bc he does value the marines a lot still. its where he first met Narrator :-) ⸻ he really appreciates gifts people give him, things that remind him of people. jack carved him an eagle once

do they play any sports?

no ⸻ nothing too organized. i dont think hes on any school teams bc idk if he has the time but that might change. he does run/hunt/fish/shoot

what one place do they really want to visit and why?

he likes deserts, wide open spaces. hes been to the kalahari n namib but not the gobi/sahara/simpson etc, so, those. no ice deserts though those scare him ⸻ polynesia/southeast asia, just tropical places in general. bc theyre nice what do you want me to tell you. tropics good

what languages do they speak?

northern ndebele, afrikaans, english (w/ various influences), some vietnamese ⸻ english, some cajun french, some spanish

what are some items they always carry? what weapon do they favor using if they exist in a world where weapons are necessary?

hes got his fal obviously and he does always carry a knife, just to be safe. more out of habit than actual necessity (not to imply rural areas were safe in the late 70s, but he lives in the literal wilderness, hes not much of a target. stays away from roads and all that.) ⸻ man hes really not as classy as i want him to be :/ he probably has like, a glock 17 w/ ten thousand pointless modifications n some uglyass stipling pattern. hes a little bit paranoid + irresponsible n carries all kinds of shit he doesnt need, mostly way too much cash

which emoji would they use the most?

no ⸻ he doesnt have a phone, hell maybe use a burner if he has to. this is an anti-phone household

what fantasy race would they be? if they already are one, pick a different one.

absolutely not

do they want to start a family? if they already have one, describe it.

no ⸻ no

what stereotypical high school clique would they fit into?

hed swing between the jrotc kids n the stoners honestly, but still mostly keep to himself ⸻ hes like, too much of a jock for the Delinquents, too much of a Delinquent for the jocks. hes really only popular bc hes rich-ish n blessed w/ good looks, and by association w/ millah

whats one thing that they dont need do they waste the most money on?

he doesnt ⸻ everything. hes really wasteful. he buys more food than he can eat, clothes he never wears, etc etc, hes terrible

what kind of shoes do they wear?

combat boots or just traditional sandals. the terrain around his house is mostly grass and flat boulders so he goes barefoot a lot ⸻ regular tennis shoes, nothin too fashionable bc he cant be bothered to keep up w/ trends, but usually clean n new. hiking boots when hes not w/ his regular friend group

do they believe in ghosts, aliens, and the occult in general?

really dont like how aliens are always grouped in w/ esoteric shit bc like, thats like asking if you believe in atoms honestly. no shit “aliens” exist thats like not up for debate. both iræ would agree w/ me here. 70s ira doesnt believe in like, Ghosts per se, but he has some vague concept of spirits that he got from his mother. he sees/feels them when hes half asleep. ⸻ 2010s ira doesnt believe in jack shit

which deadly sin do they most correspond to? which heavenly virtue?

nooo cardinal sins dont work that way theyre not hogwarts houses. its so much more complicated than that thats impossible

if you had to choose one tarot card to represent them, what would it be?

hmmm four of swords? knight of coins? eight of cups? this is hard ⸻ seven of swords? nine of cups? the devil? i dont know

what do they consider to be their best quality? what actually is their best quality?

his strength, which is really just his callousness and lack of convictions. and uh. i guess his independence ⸻ same here for the first part. and. maybe his loyalty? i dont consider loyalty a good thing personally idk

what do they consider to be their worst quality? what actually is their worst quality?

his lack of social skills maybe? he doesnt need them too often of course but like, the first time Narrator showed up at his doorstep he was genuinely nervous and that did fill him w/ some semblance of shame and in his eyes he should be good at everything, so like. that. really its his lack of conviction and his timidness/avoidance of the world ⸻ his dependence on others/lack of discipline. really its his lack of compassion, like, obviously

[alicedoessurveys]

25 Questions

1. The last news you got that shocked you, what was it, and was it good news or bad news? it was literally today and it was fantastic news; we found out the gender of my sisters baby that is due later this year... im going to have a niece!! 2. If you have pets, who normally puts food and water in their dish? my parents sort the food, and any of us fill/refresh the water bowl whenever its needed 3. Have you ever taken a “break” of any sort in a relationship? Describe the break. never been in a relationship, but I guess ive taken ‘breaks’ in friendships  4. Name all the places you’ve taken and posted surveys before. I dont remember, mostly just here 5. Do you organize the pictures on your computer into different folders or are they all just under “My Pictures”? yup I organise them into folders so I dont go insane trying to find things

6. Do you think if someone is in a relationship, that it is acceptable to have sleepovers with other people of their preferred sex? if its totally innocent and you are 100% sure theres no chance of temptation then yes I think so. but I know if it were my and my boyfriend had a sleepover with another girl I wouldn't like it  7. Would you shoot a gun if given the chance? If you’ve shot a gun before, how many different types of guns have you shot? nope  8. Have you ever had a really bad landlord? If you have, what did they do that made you feel this way about them? I have not 9. Have you ever helped somebody pack up and move out of their home or apartment? Was it difficult or easy? What made it so difficult or easy? yes ive helped my sister both times she moved. it was difficult getting things organised and unpacking was worse than packing  10. Do you feel uncomfortable sharing things like artwork or poetry you’ve written? Is it because you don’t think it’s good enough to show off or because it’s too personal? not really no because I doubt that what ive created is good 11. Does it annoy you when the first question of a survey states that it will be intense, but the entire survey is filled with typical, boring questions? not annoy me nope im just like meh 12. Which of the following would you rather be: a police officer, a fire fighter, or a paramedic? police  13. Who do you tend to have very deep, meaningful conversations with? nick or mom  14. Does the majority of the music you listen to have a lot of cursing or very little? What about when you were younger, did your parents approve of you listening to music with explicit or vulgar lyrics? I have some songs that have swearing in yes but its only ever one or two words. I dont like songs that are packed with swearing or vulgar lyrics.  15. What was the last website you made an account on? Had you visited this site many times before you actually made the account, or was it a new site to you? instagram. I set up a photography account on there just last week, ive been on it multiple times every day since  16. How many questions within a question is too many? Does it annoy you when surveys ask you more than one question at once, or do you like that it gives you more reason to talk about the topic? I dont like questions that have more than one question really 17. Do you think surveys are a good way to release your anger and stress, or does ranting end up making you more angry most times? I think its good it helps to process thoughts and to get them out is healthy 18. Have you ever had to be the peace-maker in a fight? Is this something you enjoy doing or do you dislike it? im usually the peace maker in most fights  19. Do you know much about healthy relationships? Have you ever had an unhealthy relationship (not just with a significant other, but with anyone)? What about a healthy relationship? ive not been in a relationship  20. Do you like to sleep the day away or wake up early enough that you have a full day ahead of you? I dont like to wake up too late but I also cannot deal with waking up early. 8.30/9am is okay 21. Are there any usernames on Xanga that you think are catchy/creative/interesting?  I have no idea what youre talking about  22. Have you made any changes to your appearance recently? If you have, did these changes boost your confidence level, keep it the same over all, or lower your self-esteem in any way? I have not nope 23. For those who have anxiety, has anyone ever told you that you just need to calm down and actually face your fears? Were you insulted or frustrated by this comment? all the bloody time yes, my dad is the worst for this. it frustrates me because its an illness I cant just switch it off  24. Is your house big enough, or do you wish it was bigger? its okay, but I would like a bigger kitchen and bathroom 25. If you have more than one best friend, are they all best friends (like a group of best friends) or are they only YOUR best friend? my best friends all know each other and we hang out together a lot