#yay for at least temporarily being healthy enough to write!

[bbcphile]

WIP Wednesday

I've finally worked up the courage to post the opening of one of the Mysterious Lotus Casebook fics I'm writing (Li Lianhua/Di Feisheng/Fang Duobing), specifically, from my post-canon fic where LLH's shiniang tried to sacrifice herself to cure him.

Tw/cw: suicide attempt, mention of off-page non-consensual medical procedure, internalized ableism

***

Li Lianhua crashed to his hands and knees on the ground as the last trickle of his borrowed qi abandoned him, the densely-packed sand doing nothing to cushion the blow. The impact rattled through his spine and ribs, shaking loose a bout of coughing that forced him to swallow down the burning flare of copper trying to escape from his mouth. He couldn’t cough up blood now, not here, too many steps away from the water’s reach. It would leave evidence of his route, a trail that his shiniang would undoubtedly follow once she had broken free from the immobilization. He couldn’t let her find him until the job was done. 

He pushed himself to standing, his arms and legs shaking hard enough to nearly drop him back to his knees, and he blinked to will the dancing black spots from his eyes. The waves awaited him, and he refused to crawl to meet them. He took a staggering step toward the sound of crashing water ahead of him, far fainter now than it had any right to be, and squinted against the sunlight to get his bearings. 

A large gray lump on his left snagged his attention, disrupting the blur of gold and blue that filled up the rest of his view. Why did that look familiar? He took an unsteady step closer, pressing his palm against his chest to convince his lungs to hold back a cough one more time, and the gray lump resolved into a rock. 

A rock that had once served as a pillow that was soft only in comparison to how hard the rest of the day had been.

Of course. He’d landed at Donghai beach. He swallowed back tears with a bitter laugh. Never let it be said that the universe didn’t have a sense of humor.  

He’d returned after all: three months late for the duel and over a decade late for bringing his decrepit body back to the waves that had so decisively spat him out. But surely this time, with all the mysteries solved and no business left unfinished, the sea would accept the offering of his broken frame. Li Xiangyi was long dead and it was past time for Li Lianhua to follow his example. He was already a ghost in every way that mattered. And this was the only way to guarantee his shiniang would live.

She would be furious, of course, but wasn’t furious better than dead? How could it be unfilial to make sure she lived on? Too many people had died for him; he refused to let her join those ranks. Dying to save her was already a far better death than he deserved. 

As for the others, Xiaobao would have his teachings and would be too busy climbing the heights of the jianghu to miss the weak physician he once protected. 

And a-Fei—

—well, how could he still fixate on defeating a ghost with Xiaobao shining more brightly than Li Xiangyi ever had?

No, this end was far better for everyone, and best of all, no one would sacrifice their life or be forced to play caretaker to an empty husk of a man.

A familiar chill seared through his veins and meridians, despite the warmth of the fur of his outer layer, stealing away his breath and the amorphous blue blur before him. He took another stumbling step toward where it had been, his heart stuttering painfully in his chest. 

Not much longer now. It seemed his frenzied dash here and self-shattered heart meridian were more efficient for what he had in mind than the weight his waterlogged fur coat would have offered.

Perhaps he didn’t need the coat for this at all. His body would certainly float further without it. And not even his shiniang could save him now, so what harm could it do to leave some evidence behind? Xiaobao might not believe the beggar’s words, but surely this fur cloak at the water’s edge would put to rest any lingering futile hopes. And then Xiaobao would tell a-Fei.

And if it brought them peace, if it let them say goodbye, then how could he not leave it behind?

It was decided, then. 

He lifted his hands to the coat’s laces, then paused. Were those voices? For a moment, he could have sworn he heard—

—Ah, no, the hallucinations must have started again. 

He smiled. At least he had heard a-Fei and Xiabao one last time, if only in his mind.

He untied his laces with fumbling, stiff fingers, and let the coat fall behind him. 

His heart and lungs clenched with another spasm, and a wave of dizziness broke over him, threatening to drop him to his knees once more. 

He fought against it, muscles shaking as they never had during battles. He couldn’t surrender now; not until he reached the water. He could manage three more steps. He had to.

He tried to lift his foot again.

The world swam before him, and darkness dragged him under.

[hollandorks]

EPILOGUE LET'S GO

First of all, I'm sad this part of the story is coming to an end. I've really enjoyed writing these little reviews (that are really just me reacting with my keyboard). And, I've loved the community that MOTN has built. Like 🦇 anon and I temporarily uniting against Lena. That was fun. And ❤ anon, I think it was, not understanding why we distrusted Lena (that heart emoji is supposed to be red. I don't know if it is. I'm typing this on my PC)

So, thank you, Shelby, for writing something so absolutely wonderful and creating this safe little corner of the internet where we all shit on Bruce Wayne for his stupidity, and for doing it with a beautiful fic.

Anyways, onto the final review *chugs what little is left of my glass of wine*

BRUCE WAYNE TO WED

Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!

“I wanted to do this–better,” he had said. Stuttered adorably as he continued, “I–I’m no good with saying how I feel. So all I’m going to say is that I love you and want to spend my life with you. Will you marry me?” 

God, I wish my ex's half-hearted proposal was at least half as romantic as this—

THIS IS SO CUTE!

The character progression though! I'm sure there was still some degree of over-thinking, but look at that! He didn't jump off a roof or anything! He just said the thing he was feeling, despite being nervous and vulnerable, without going to extreme lengths to avoid the conversation!!! I'm so proud of him.

He’d beamed like a proud father and immediately gone for their most expensive bottle of champagne. Had cried when she’d asked if he’d walk her down the aisle and again when Bruce asked him to be the best man. 

Alfred deserves the entire motherfucking world and if we don't give it to him, I swear to god, I'm gonna steal Bruce's cape thingy and jump off the roof myself.

“Please don’t tell me that’s what I think it is,” Bruce said in her ear. He’d promised to keep her in the loop when he went out as Batman. Just in case. 

Okay, so first of all, I love the pacing of this epilogue and I love how I can follow how it's written as if it's the last ten minutes of a movie. Like it's trying to show you the conclusion in the most concise and cohesive way possible, and you're succeeding beautifully, Shelby.

Second of all, YES! CHAOS REIGNS FOREVER! Operation: Give Bruce premature grey hairs is a-go!

They had an agreement now–he trained her whenever he had time, brought her in when he needed help on cases, and had even gotten her a bulletproof vest to wear. He’d made her promise to stay disguised at all times, and even was in the process of making her a cowl of her own.

I KNEW IT! I knew she was gonna get a suit! I called it! And, yes, I know it's not technically a suit but it's close enough and I'm gonna consider it a win!

He huffed out a laugh. “You’re impossible.” 

Always have been, babe—

ignore the babe, it's the wine talking

she clipped the first guy with the Batmobile as she came tearing around the corner.

Some things never change, but what an upgrade! From a normal ass car to the batmobile! Good for her.

The Gotham Project is perfect for her. I'm proud of her.

If he didn’t want her to read something, or wanted her to wait while he processed it for a bit longer, he told her. She respected it. Understood that some things were harder for him than others. Never pushed, never snooped. 

We love healthy boundaries.

I also love how this showcases just how much they've learned, as a couple, to navigate those boundaries. Instead of them being far too rigid (*cough* Bruce *cough*), it's now an active conversation, where both of them are involved. They don't make decisions for each other or assume what the other is thinking. That's great.

“I’m driving,” y/n said as she practically skipped to the elevator. Her entire body was pleasantly warm. Bruce tried to steal the keys from her and sighed when she darted away. She was in the driver’s seat of the Batmobile before he could get in another protest.  

Again, with the childishness, I love it.

“Congratulations on the engagement, by the way,” Gordon said with a flash of a smile. He glanced at Bruce. “Looks like you were too slow, buddy.” 

LMAO

Not Gordon calling out Bruce's stupidity around the crush he has on his fiancee— I love to see it

Bruce tugged her closer. “Gordon’s invited to our wedding, huh?” 

We love the reader still not telling Bruce about slight changes of plans. But more than that, we love the reader forcing Bruce and Gordon to interact more. He needs more friends (he, being both of them).

A new day had begun.

I love it. I wonder if the sequel will have a name related to time too. And, if it does, will the time be literally be after the middle of the night? Like 4 AM? At Dawn? Noon? No idea.

Shelby, I've said it so many times already, but you really are amazing and you've written such a beautiful story. I love it so much and so does the entire community that you've cultivated. I love you, bestie. If you need me, you know where to find me!

Besides, I'm sure I'll keep talking anyways. It's a talent, how talkative I am. I'm sure I'll still send you asks somehow. I'll find some excuse, I'm sure.

⌨

No stop making me feel nostalgic right off the bat it's so rude 😭 I never imagined having a little army/ gang of emoji anons and it has been so fun 😩

Thank you, and all of the anons and readers and commenters, for making this experience so wonderful. I literally had no idea it'd be like this when I started posting.

Um excuse me ex's half hearted proposal??? I feel like I need the story for that one lmao

We love to see character development! Will he always be good at these things? No. He will probably jump off of a roof sometimes still. But not every time, and that's what matters. Growth!

Alfred does deserve the world. He is going to get it too! (Mostly because he's about to get like a whole blurb series)

Love that you enjoyed the pacing because I was nervous about it 🥺 thank you bestie 🥺

You did call it! She gets a suit! I don't think she's want like a costume like Bruce so that's why it's like this but! It still counts!

I really want to include a scene with her hitting a guy with a car in the sequel. Idk how I'm gonna do it but I want to.

Yes to healthy boundaries! That's something else that's so hot! (Will they regress a bit in the sequel? Probably. But at least they're learning.)

Couldn't help myself with the Gordon scene. He stole the show. The spirit of Jeffrey Wright's Gordon was whispering in my ear when I wrote it.

Speaking of the sequel!! Official title reveal coming today bestie 😉

Ugh. Why did you do this to me with the last bit of your ask, you're killing me 😭 I have loved this whole experience so much. I can't even put it into words.

Listen. Bestie. Listen. Just DM me. No one has to know we know each other. You can still send anons with the ⌨️ and I'll pretend we aren't DMing. Okay? Okay. Because we should be besties irl. I can already tell how fun you are and I know we'll get along. It can be our secret.

[fire-fira]

submitted by @getcreative19

(Second Attempt. Yay, tumblr.)

So like…If every good character has a personality flaw, then what’s Jaime’s flaw? He’s sensitive and emotionally vulnerable, but that’s not a flaw. It helps him relate to others and make friends with people other people would try to avoid (The Pose) because their villainous reputation. It even helps him to get through to his scarab, an emotionless, vicious A.I. who was intended to destroy civilisations and to enslave whole races of living beings, and change him. He’s kind, calm, and understanding, but he’s not a push over. He tries to help people but he knows where to draw the line. He’s willing to listen to people, but he’s not naive or too trusting. He opens up to the right people, he is constantly trying to improve himself and he listens to those who can help him. He’s got good self esteem without being arrogant. He’s not afraid to make jokes about himself, too. He values his friends and family, and he’s loyal. He knows how to balance his life. He’s smart and strategic. Maybe his inexperience is a flaw? Though, I’m not really sure about that. Lack of knowledge can’t really be a character flaw, can it? Perhaps he’s too hard on himself sometimes? The comics don’t paint it that way, but it’s the only thing I could find.

When there’s a flaw within characters, the whole story kind of resolves around that. They make mistakes, and they try to better themselves in the things they lack.

But with Jaime, it’s really only about him trying to grow into the role of the Blue Beetle.

(Or at least, that’s what I saw.)

What do you think?

Forewarning for a LOOOONG response under the cut.

I’m reminded of a post I’ve seen floating around (I’d have to dig through my writing-references tag to find it and that’d take a while tbh) that has the suggestion of taking a character’s good qualities and pushing them to the level where you can see their flaws more clearly. And I think Jaime is a good example of where that kind of thinking is necessary in order to pick out his flaws.

So with that in mind–

Yeah it could be argued that his inexperience is a flaw, but it’s a temporary one that will fade over time. Likewise, how smoothly Jaime and Khaji Da work and fight together will improve over time. Their actions in a fight are more likely to flow into one without much thought as they become more experienced with each other and the boundaries they’re operating by. Again, if inexperience is a flaw, it’s a temporary one.

We know Jaime wants to see the best in others. In many instances he has a gift in coaxing the best out of others and seeming to somehow know the difference between someone who’s harsh and lashing out because they’re defensive and/or wounded, and someone who’s causing havoc just for havoc’s sake. So what’s the flip-side of this? The big one that comes to my mind is if he tries to reach out to someone he can tell is someone who isn’t all bad, but doesn’t manage to talk them down before they do something catastrophic. Now this may not be entirely a flaw as such, but if he wasn’t able to talk the person down quickly enough and people died, that drags us straight into what could be an overwhelming result for him.

Guilt. Jaime generally isn’t the sort of person to beat himself up– he’s got a good support system, close family, strong friendships, and all the rest of it– but he’s also one person (with a VERY close partner) who’s trying to do the best he can and prevent people from dying or suffering. If someone died in front of him, or if he couldn’t talk someone down before they did something drastic (especially if he and Khaji Da both thought he’d been getting through), then chances are high that he would be eaten alive with guilt for a long time after. Fortunately he’s got Khaji Da with him to provide sympathy and healthy doses of logic (so he’d probably only get so far with mentally beating himself up over it), but I would not be surprised if he’d end up doubting himself and whether he should keep doing the hero thing or not. But-! That leads us to another ‘flaw’!

He’s stubborn. Jaime isn’t the kind of person to give up easily. He’s also not the sort of person to give up long past the point where most other people would throw their hands up in the air and walk away. This is the guy who wound up temporarily stranded in space in at least two of the comic runs he’s been in (yes, I’m also counting those where he wasn’t the title character but was one of the main characters) and made up his mind that NO MATTER WHAT he was going to go home. He was prepared to die in one of the runs (which unfortunately ended before that arc could be resolved– UGH), and in the other he was clearly traumatized by having been accidentally left behind by the League (though to be fair, they did think he died). In that second one it took him a year to get home, but he managed it. He was. IN SPACE. FOR A YEAR. AND FOUND HIS WAY BACK HOME. And okay, yes, in that instance it was a positive– but it also implies that he might have been willing to break himself out of sheer stubbornness if it meant getting to go home faster. True, any damage done to him Khaji Da can fix, but it doesn’t change the fact that he could have broken himself.

Which leads us to a possible flaw that, thus far, hasn’t been confirmed but I can see developing after Jaime and Khaji Da have been together long enough (and which I can see annoying Khaji Da to no end): Jaime might end up coming to treat a lot of his injuries as no big deal. In their first title run there was one part where– in order to save Jaime’s life (read the pre-52 series, it’ll make sense if it doesn’t now)– Khaji Da temporarily stopped Jaime’s heart. In that instance Khaji Da did it out of necessity and Jaime had his justified freak out after his heart was restarted, buuuuut if he got used to Khaji Da being able to fix serious things like that and came to rely on it, it’s entirely possible that he might take to not paying much attention to gashes, concussions, fractured (or possibly outright broken) bones, etc. Not that Jaime would enjoy that pain by any means, but more that he might develop the approach of “Can I still stand and do what I need to do in a limited amount of time? Yes? Then I’m fine and the injury can wait.” To increasing levels of severity (though I’m sure he and Khaji Da would have a limit– or that Khaji Da would have a limit as to how far they’d be willing to let Jaime push himself).

An argument could be made for the way he might drop everything to protect his family and friends being a flaw, but personally I think it’s a bit of a stretch. For it to be a flaw he’d have to be consumed with ensuring their safety even if they’re fine and have others giving them back up while whichever baddie is rampaging around hurting people, despite Jaime being perfectly equipped to stop said baddie. It’d have to be complete neglect of what he feels is right in most cases in order to keep those closest to him safe. (Which actually could work as a trauma reaction from him. Yay fic fodder.)

There’s also the possibility that with those he does put a stop to quickly that he might second-guess himself in some situations, but that heavily depends on the circumstances around that situation.

Sensitivity to magic (thanks to Khaji Da) isn’t necessarily a ‘flaw’ so much as a weakness, but I suppose it could count on a technicality.

I’m sure if I gave it more thought I could probably coax out a few more ideas, but I’ve had you waiting on this long enough.

[sanguinesprout]

Well, that sucked... uuuuugh it’s coooooold xwx (updates, some gloomy and bright feels and self pep talk)

Hmmmmmmm... so, long time no post-ish...kinda..! To put it simply I’ve been stressing real hard over this form to try claim benefits/financial help and expended all mental my energy on that aaaall these past weeks. I struggled and I avoided but I finally fiiiiinallly managed to do it and now the main source of stress has subsided temporarily until they contact me again for maybe a face to face meeting in which I’ll commence my super anxiety flailing. But I guess for now I have time to stress about the things I normally stress over and haven’t done yet. Pah!

So the form right, you have to fill in about your health conditions/disabilities and I reaaaally had trouble writing about things like that. I mean, writing on here definitely helped me with some parts of it, since it was stuff I had written before, but just not on paper and... writing it out irl is like... super difficult and uncomfortable and knowing someone has to read it and ugh damn... I had to write about physical things too and there were lots of things I kinda was unsure of and it went from me writing very little to me writing probably TOO much last minute xwx I mean, it’s better than writing too less, but maybe I went into more detail than needed, but maybe it’s enough info that they’ll skip me in the face to face part... plz plz plssss! ;3; No, no you’ll be fine, you can do it!

I seriously spent so much time staring at it and it was just so hard, there was this reluctance even though I wanted to get it over with so badly, it’s like there was a magnet pulling me away, my concentration level dropped to minus 10000000, my head hurt from forcing myself to try think, it was torture Dx It’s probably something so easy but I unconsciously chose to overthink it and get all ruffled by the prospect that someone’s gonna read it and judge me... mehhh. By this point I just hope they can read my handwriting lol it literally looked like some kids english homework, full of scribbling out and arrows everywhere hahaha *sob* I had my sis read over it before I sent it, I was really nervous about that, it’s like she’s seeing a big slice of this blog (which scurred me), but she said it was fine, it was good! She’s supportive of me even if we frustrate each other a lot, I’m really thankful for her help and encouragement ;u;

Anyways, whatever the outcome, at least I tried! I kinda succeeded in finishing something I would’ve just not even attempted usually and that’s great! I did good and if there is a next time, I’ll try even harder! The anxiety and irrational held me back and scared me away from trying, but maybe I’ll get over them much easier now that I proved to myself I could do it if I just really really reaaaally put my mind to it! Putting my pen to the paper, that’s another big thing that was needing to be done too lol. The race between doubt and determination was won by determination’s last minute spurt powered by encouragement from various sources (including myself and my fear of letting people down!) Yaaay~! sarcasm is no good booo!

Form aside, I had to do phone calls and make trips to the post office quite a bit lately too, I did them! Whooo! I also went out and had some nice shopping trips, even met some of my sis’ buddies and it was nice, it was pretty fun in fact! I wasn’t as anxious as I thought I’d be, though the times I were, I just... sucked it up and kinda went with the flow and it became okay after... I tried and I pushed forward and everything was alright *hugs self* c:

I have such less energy and brain cells left that this post probably sounds so half assed and pointless no, no negativity! silly, but I’m doing it, I haven’t abandoned my blog and it’s almost been a whole year... or at least 2/3 of a year, yay for me! Christmas is so soon, it feels kind of lonely this year compared to past years because of some things but it’ll be okay, as long as I have my family and finally get to spend some nice quality time with them like I’ve been looking forward to, I’m happy! ^^

I got a lot of materials to make some nice arts and crafty things lately. it’s kinda given me some more incentive to make some nice things and just have some fun. I haven’t done anything yet though, but I plan to... ack! Gotta make sure not to overthink things and put myself off, just go for it! I’m not abandoning my dreams of making some self motivational/self expressive or cute things or just learning to draw in general (lolol) just yet! I’ve just kinda gotten a bit doubtful and shy again (especially with just being online too), but Imma crawl back out this hole and do some things right naaaaooo!! *slips and tumbles* oof @w@” C’mon silly, keep going, believe in yourself! 

I have a lot of ideas, and they keep piling up, but I’m having a hard time getting them out... I keep letting the anxiety, comparing, fear of judgement slip in and foil my plans. Things don’t have to be perfect, just try your best..! It doesn’t matter what other people think, as long as you like your creations. Other people have their own style and you have yours, be proud of it and let it shine. Practice makes... progress! You can do it!

I want to try and do more than one thing a day like most other people can like I know I have the potential to, like maybe do a little bit of art, a little bit of self care, a little bit of family time rather than just sitting around wondering which thing to prioritise or which thing is a waste of time to focus on and in the end achieve absolutely nooooothing .___. Baby steps, keep climbing, keep growing, don’t let your thoughts bring you down, you can achieve everything you want to, you just have to try with all your heart, ignore the mental obstacles, they can’t stop you, go go go!

With one of the other things I was stressing about a few weeks earlier, it was submitting a claim for a lost parcel, I struggled with that even, but I tried really hard and I did it and even though I was expecting nothing to happen, something good did happen! They fully reimbursed me! I was so surprised! Even though I was missing some information and thought it was going to be pointless and many weeks passed and I even forgot about it, my efforts actually paid off. The experience alone of just trying was a good lesson for me, but now I’m beginning to believe in ‘if you don’t try, you won’t know/nothing ventured nothing gained’ even more! This happened after I submitted my benefits application, I don’t wanna be too hopeful incase nothing happens here, but whether the result is something or nothing, I’m just glad I tried! c’:

I also received some praise about my packaging skill and service (I’ve been selling unwanted things and I always put in a lot of effort) and it was so sweet and kind and just lifted my sprits so much for someone to acknowledge it, I am so grateful ;w; For someone to take their time to write such a nice message and show their appreciation, ahhh it’s such a wonderful feeling..! I reached my goal of making at least one person smile! It was also another very pleasant surprise! I want to continue to chase this feeling and keep fulfilling this goal! I hope one day I’ll be able to feel this way with my creations ahhh cryyy ;u;

With my physical health woes and medication trials, it has only been a short period but it seems to be going alright, not very far, but it’s going somewhere and in a more positive direction. Once again I am so grateful to my dr, they are so amazing and kind and helpful ;u; Health is important! I want my family to be more healthy too, I worry about them a lot, because they don’t take care of themselves and they also avoid things and... uuu I’m sad :c I don’t want for them to be ill, time is short and I wish for them to be well and happy but it’s difficult when they’re so stubborn. I need to try harder.

A family friend passed away from illness very recently, it was extremely saddening... It must be incredibly hard for their family right now, I hope they will be okay Y__Y Life is unfair, life is unpredictable, it’s all the more reason why I need to get up and make the most of it right now. Spend as much time with loved ones as I can and make sure everyone is happy and healthy so we can have an even longer happier life together, reach for my dreams and so and so. Yolo... so try your hardest... time is precious ;^;

Well, um... that made things a little gloomy but I have to learn to face reality more seriously. Okay, for ourself and our loved ones, let’s make everyone proud and try our best! This life is my own and I’m going to take control of it, I’m gonna make it worth being happy about! Time is of the essence!

It’s been so cold lately, but because of this I’ve been able to see it snow! Although it’s not much, but it’s magical all the same and I’m happy to have been able to witness it, to go outside and enjoy the little but wonderful things of life, I don’t want to miss out on them anymore either! A new year is approaching, a new year where it will still be hard but I’ll continue to persevere until I’ve reached my goals! The post I left in my drafts, which I see every time I post here, the one with a long list of my dreams and things I’ve been wanting to do, I glanced at it and I think I managed to do a few of the littler things this year! I still have a lot to go, so I’m gonna aim to do at least twice as much next year! Yeah!!

Have a great evening (and a wonderful Christmas and New Year if I don’t post again before then), let’s go go! :D