#This is my first time really sharing my creative writing publicly in about 4 years

[bbcphile]

WIP Wednesday

I've finally worked up the courage to post the opening of one of the Mysterious Lotus Casebook fics I'm writing (Li Lianhua/Di Feisheng/Fang Duobing), specifically, from my post-canon fic where LLH's shiniang tried to sacrifice herself to cure him.

Tw/cw: suicide attempt, mention of off-page non-consensual medical procedure, internalized ableism

***

Li Lianhua crashed to his hands and knees on the ground as the last trickle of his borrowed qi abandoned him, the densely-packed sand doing nothing to cushion the blow. The impact rattled through his spine and ribs, shaking loose a bout of coughing that forced him to swallow down the burning flare of copper trying to escape from his mouth. He couldn’t cough up blood now, not here, too many steps away from the water’s reach. It would leave evidence of his route, a trail that his shiniang would undoubtedly follow once she had broken free from the immobilization. He couldn’t let her find him until the job was done. 

He pushed himself to standing, his arms and legs shaking hard enough to nearly drop him back to his knees, and he blinked to will the dancing black spots from his eyes. The waves awaited him, and he refused to crawl to meet them. He took a staggering step toward the sound of crashing water ahead of him, far fainter now than it had any right to be, and squinted against the sunlight to get his bearings. 

A large gray lump on his left snagged his attention, disrupting the blur of gold and blue that filled up the rest of his view. Why did that look familiar? He took an unsteady step closer, pressing his palm against his chest to convince his lungs to hold back a cough one more time, and the gray lump resolved into a rock. 

A rock that had once served as a pillow that was soft only in comparison to how hard the rest of the day had been.

Of course. He’d landed at Donghai beach. He swallowed back tears with a bitter laugh. Never let it be said that the universe didn’t have a sense of humor.  

He’d returned after all: three months late for the duel and over a decade late for bringing his decrepit body back to the waves that had so decisively spat him out. But surely this time, with all the mysteries solved and no business left unfinished, the sea would accept the offering of his broken frame. Li Xiangyi was long dead and it was past time for Li Lianhua to follow his example. He was already a ghost in every way that mattered. And this was the only way to guarantee his shiniang would live.

She would be furious, of course, but wasn’t furious better than dead? How could it be unfilial to make sure she lived on? Too many people had died for him; he refused to let her join those ranks. Dying to save her was already a far better death than he deserved. 

As for the others, Xiaobao would have his teachings and would be too busy climbing the heights of the jianghu to miss the weak physician he once protected. 

And a-Fei—

—well, how could he still fixate on defeating a ghost with Xiaobao shining more brightly than Li Xiangyi ever had?

No, this end was far better for everyone, and best of all, no one would sacrifice their life or be forced to play caretaker to an empty husk of a man.

A familiar chill seared through his veins and meridians, despite the warmth of the fur of his outer layer, stealing away his breath and the amorphous blue blur before him. He took another stumbling step toward where it had been, his heart stuttering painfully in his chest. 

Not much longer now. It seemed his frenzied dash here and self-shattered heart meridian were more efficient for what he had in mind than the weight his waterlogged fur coat would have offered.

Perhaps he didn’t need the coat for this at all. His body would certainly float further without it. And not even his shiniang could save him now, so what harm could it do to leave some evidence behind? Xiaobao might not believe the beggar’s words, but surely this fur cloak at the water’s edge would put to rest any lingering futile hopes. And then Xiaobao would tell a-Fei.

And if it brought them peace, if it let them say goodbye, then how could he not leave it behind?

It was decided, then. 

He lifted his hands to the coat’s laces, then paused. Were those voices? For a moment, he could have sworn he heard—

—Ah, no, the hallucinations must have started again. 

He smiled. At least he had heard a-Fei and Xiabao one last time, if only in his mind.

He untied his laces with fumbling, stiff fingers, and let the coat fall behind him. 

His heart and lungs clenched with another spasm, and a wave of dizziness broke over him, threatening to drop him to his knees once more. 

He fought against it, muscles shaking as they never had during battles. He couldn’t surrender now; not until he reached the water. He could manage three more steps. He had to.

He tried to lift his foot again.

The world swam before him, and darkness dragged him under.

[shiroganeryo]

D.Gray-Man Tag!

I got tagged by my friend Violet to hop into this little game she made, and there are few things I love more than babbling about DGM, so let’s go! The rules are to tag three people to get the game going, so I’ll do it at the start because this will get looong. I’ll tag @14th-melody, @metzzi and @rudimentor0x0. Here’s the blank post. Sorry if you have already done it, I might’ve missed the posts ;;

⭐ What year did you first get into DGM? Hmm, actually, that’s a hard question because I didn’t get into it right away? If memory serves me right about what grade I was in high school when that happened, I was 15 - so, 2008. Pull a chair, I’ll tell you how that went. It was actually a recommendation from a friend of my best friend; we weren’t particularly close, I just knew he and I had a similar taste for anime/manga and I was looking for getting into a new series... but I wanted it to be worthwhile. So I asked my bestie if her friend wouldn’t give me a rec. He recommended me D.Gray-Man, and just like I do before watching any series, I watched the first opening to get an overall “feel” of it and I quite liked it: cool aesthetic, music was dope, characters were nice-looking. But, for some reason, I didn’t watch it and eventually forgot about it.

Then, one day on my way back home from school, I stopped by a nearby newspaper stand since here they also sell manga. They were all very cheap at that time, so I would often look for new volumes of the titles I was collecting (my allowance was enough to buy two or three!). I saw DGM’s first volume there, and went “oh! It’s that one series he had recommended me! I’ll take it and finally give it a shot.”

I fell in love.

I really liked it at first, but the point where DGM completely won my heart was during Lala’s arc. I had never cried with a manga before. 

⭐ Who’s your favorite character? This is probably very unoriginal, but it’s Allen! At the start I was very lukewarm about him, but as time went on, I felt like I could relate more and more to that kind-hearted boy and he became my role model. DGM has been with me through some of the worst of my life, and Allen’s resolve to keep going, keep walking, no matter how hard things were for him was what motivated me many times in past. It still does. Allen also taught me to be kinder and through him I realized being there for others makes me truly happy. Sadly, I also share with him the same trait of being unable to truly see how appreciated I am and all the good I bring others just for being there... But I’m working on that! He became the first character I felt like I could fully relate to, and I was surprised - but still very happy - to realize that, now that I’m an adult with more experience and maturity, I feel like I can understand him even more and better than before. Our connection didn’t wane with time, I feel so much closer to him now. He’s very special to me.

Standing at the second spot - because it’s also fair I would mention her -, is Miranda! I always say that if Allen didn’t exist, Miranda would be my number 1 since she stands so close to him hahaha After him, she’s another character I deeply relate with. My self-esteem isn’t the best out there so I’m quick to think I’m worthless or useless, just like her. Even so, she wouldn’t give up. Every time I felt like giving up because of auto depreciation, I would think “Miranda would try again, she would work harder”.

It’s like the two of them were walking me through the steps so I could move forward and keep doing my best.

⭐ Who’s your least favorite character? I’m going to say Chaozii. But, before we get to the usual “Chaozii slander” we’re used to doing in this fandom, let me elaborate. It has nothing to do with him not siding with Allen. As much as I love Allen, I know we’re able of sympathizing with his ideals because as the readers we have a plethora of information on his motives; if not for that, we would probably take the same stance as Chaozii has taken about him.

What riles me about Chaozii is that, unlike all of the characters, his mindset is either black or white, good or bad. Everyone seems to have a perfect mix of both, showing many facets just like, well, real, imperfect people. Chaozii is the only one who doesn’t have that. Being simple-minded is not a bad trait, but when that clouds your judgement, then it turns into a bad thing.

It all fell apart when he snapped at Allen when he refused to kill Tyki. That particularly bothered me a ton, even if I understand his feelings. Chaozii, who thought it was wrong and cruel to kill humans and was grieving for his lost comrades, was fine with killing a human whom he wasn’t even sure if was being forced to do things or not. Do you see the issue here? Chaozii never feels to me like he’s striving to do the right thing in order to bring justice, but instead, because he wants revenge.

I hope he does get to learn one thing or two in the future. He has potential to be a great character; but he needs a “redemption” first.

⭐ Who’s your favorite general? Tiedoll! Although I like all of them for different reasons. I really love Cross and differently from what some people think, he did care for Allen and I love their rather dysfunctional relationship. He’s a much deeper character than just a womanizer full of fishy shenanigans. He’s also really badass: former scientist, user of magic, (former) wielder of both an Innocence of his own and another person’s (Grave of Maria). I just happen to love Tiedoll a liiiittle more because I can’t take this guy! He’s just so sweet, and his doting nature makes him both funny and lovely. General Sokalo is really cool and all, but I feel like he’s just a cool guy to me. On a side note, General Klaud could step on me and kill me and I’d thank her. I hope we get to learn more about her Innocence sometime.

⭐ Who’s a character you would get along with? I would love to say it’s Allen, but he’s someone really hard to get close to. If I think about the characters I’d like to befriend because of shared traits or interests, I think I could get along well with Miranda, Krory, and Marie. The first two because they’re two softies who just happen to be really awkward, I feel like I would probably befriend them after trying to comfort them too often. And, the latter, because I’m a person who likes calm company whom I can have honest talks with.

⭐ What kind of innocence would you have? I honestly have no idea. If I had to pick one from the ones we already have, I think I would go with the Dark Boots. Being able to fly and maneuver in mid-air would be a dream come true, I feel the happiest when the wind blows against me. If I have to think of something “for me” specifically, I think I would like a long range Innocence. I particularly like firearm-like weapons like guns, so maybe a gun or dual pistols? Yeah, I think I’d really like the dual pistols.

⭐ What’s your favorite ship? Ah, to be in the DGM fandom is to be a multishipper; yet this is the part where I always get nervous at because my favorite is a rarepair. But!!! I’m building up the courage to be more open about (and less self-judgmental of) the things I like. It’s Allen x Miranda. I don’t really know when it started; from what I said before, you already know they’re both my top favorite characters and very special to me, so I naturally loved it when I saw them sharing screentime. When I realized it, I was looking at them and thinking “they would make such a cute couple together”. It just kinda happened.

To keep this short, there’s this blog I really like explaining about this pair’s dynamics. I think they have a great dynamic together and much potential. They could very easily have a wholesome relationship based in lots of patience and mutually covering the other’s weaknesses and helping them become someone better. These are the best kinds of relationships imo. I hope to share some of my headcanons for them (and even writing, hopefully!) sometime in here. I always picture Allen being older, so that gives me some free room for creativity; it doesn’t look like he has time for romantic love right now, and I don’t really feel comfortable with him being a minor for this ship, so both things go hand in hand.

Honorable mentions go to Link x Allen (again, older!Allen), Yulma and LaviLena, as I also get super happy when I see these particular shippings. 

⭐ What’s your least favorite ship? I actually have some, but it goes against my policies to publicly (consciously) say negative things about certain things if I can help it. I know I’m allowed to have opinions, but you never know who can stumble upon it and what I dislike can be something that makes someone really happy, you know? I tend to stay silent about such things when it comes to something as harmless as shippings.

So, I think I can say I’m accepting of everything as long as everyone respects each other! And, of course, if it isn’t distasteful (as in, illegal).

⭐ What branch would you want to be part of? We’ve only seen the European and Asian branches properly before but even if there aren’t many choices, this is still a hard question; I think both have lots of good things going for them. I think I would probably want to settle with the Asian Branch! I love how lively the atmosphere is and I also feel like there are way less science division shenanigans in there... Sorry, Komui. 

⭐ What’s your favorite arc? I have three! The Rewinding City arc came right after Lala’s arc - that had touched me a lot -, bringing in even more feels. It introduced Miranda and at the blink of an eye, made me care so much about her. The first activation of Time Record after she protected Allen, followed by his thanks to her hit so hard; I get really emotional talking about it. It was such a great, yet touching moment. I think everyone can relate to that; being worthy of receiving gratitude for something they did for someone.

Then, there’s Lulu Bell’s Invasion of the Black Order arc, followed by the appearance of the Level 4 Akuma. I can’t express into words how great the flow of the elements are there. The plot is focusing on multiple characters with their own background dramas happening, all at once, yet none of it feels out of place. Everyone gets their moment, everyone contributes to the big picture (saving the staff and defeating the Akumas). It all felt like one big collective effort of several parts uniting forces, no one was more or less important than the other. It was expertisely done.

And the last mention goes to the Searching for A.W’s arcs (Saying Goodbye to A.W also included). These arcs are being extremely painful but, at the same time, also extremely rewarding to go through. For the first time ever, we’re seeing Allen give in to his wants and acknowledge his feelings; he’s not honest with himself very often, and seeing him actually admit that he still wanted to go on - for himself -, that he still wanted to hold onto hope was something that I suddenly realized I had always wanted to see him do. It’s like I had been waiting for so long. Allen is growing up, and I’m loving to see the part Johnny and Kanda are playing in this. I could talk all day about how happy it makes me, to feel this much hope in the midst of such a difficult situation these arcs are covering. It captures very well the essence of D.Gray-Man imo: the bittersweetness of the hardships of life, and the good things it makes us realize we have had all along. The people we have by our side. The will to continue moving forward because we still have something we love and want to fight for.

Whew, I expected this would get long but guess I got too carried away; those were amazing questions to answer to! If you read until now, you have my most sincere gratitude and appreciation. I wish you have a lovely day! 😊

[memory-hoarder]

WARNING (LONG POST AHEAD)

I turn off the lights, scrolled my phone and clicked the Spotify app currently listening to (calming acoustic) 10: 05 PM, best time to unleashed all emotions that piled up from nowhere. I covered myself with a huge blanket and placed the laptop on my lap and decided to visit my page. I know, I'm being inactive lately but I'm doing my best to update my journal publicly to remind me of my long absences.

Tonight, I decided to post the questions I received a night before my birthday celebrated. I kept this on my file for a month now. Admittedly, this is the huge decision I made on my birthday. So, I asked a random people on my messenger lists - some are my work colleagues while others are acquaintances. At first, I am hesitant to ask for favor to anyone but I did. Well, I guess it was successful though I received different reactions - some confused and thought I was making fun while others are game on to sent their questions. Obviously, it took days for me to answered cos it turns out that I wasn't prepared myself for few questions that somehow affects me literally.

The twist here is I am not allow to send my answer to their questions. However, I can answer it through this journal. Which I described as bravery.

Here are some of the questions:

How’s Life? How’s Life?

A question that been asked me twice. Well, this year was the great sadness of my life that challenged me mentally, emotionally and drained me physically. Sometimes a mere struggle on financially. I’m doing fine but lots of times I seriously breaking down especially the trauma of what happened 8 months ago. But today, I accepted the fact and slowly healing me and appreciate what really God’s intention and plan for my life.

Are you happy right now?

Not sure how to put it into words but there is no reason not to be happy. Right? If you just appreciate the life you are living right now or even the smallest thing that makes you smile or giggle I guess there is no reason to be sad at all. Although, lots of times I felt happy, sad, angry or lost. But there are still lots of reasons to celebrate or be joyful too. I juts let myself felt all the emotions that life wanted me to experienced to remind me that I indeed exist. There are people who could bring me joy and sadness at the same time but all I know they are all part of my journey.

Have you ever missed me before we lost our communication? Do you consider me as true friend?

Of course, I do. I miss the old you the person who I genuinely treasured during my college days. And, you are one of the reasons why I indeed survived college. I just don’t understand why we both let this friendship died. Was it because we no longer catch up? But, how I hope building friendship again will no longer hard as I imagined. But, please know that you became part of my story. I always count on you whenever I am sad and confused. I feel comfortable sharing my thoughts because I know you will never judge me. Hope to see you again soon. Take care of yourself!

Why there are times you don’t have the mood to talk?

Because, I read my surroundings and I feel comfortable being alone not to isolate but to process my own thoughts with myself which my normal thing growing up and I choose this way - became aloof at times not wanted to talk to anyone or go out. It makes me sad to think only few understand my personality. However, I can't just normalize this because of extrovert people I knew. I don’t have mood to talk and I push away people closed to me because I find a happy place being alone. Its not sad or dark what it gives me is peace of mind that no on can offer.

Would you like to change your past or stay on your present path? Why and why not?

I believed majority will choose the past, we all wanted to change one thing that we regret of doing - apologies, goodbye's, places to travel, opportunities we must have and other important things we slip away that is why I choose the past over my present. One thing I am eager to experience all over again is my mom's precious life, only if I had the power to bring her back. I was just 16 years old when she died, and I think the years of her being a mother to us will never be enough. However, her life is a blessing and all the valuable teachings that she imparted on me and to my siblings will remain on us forever. How I wish for her to at least see as growing up especially my brother that she spoiled a lot, and for us to give back all the things she deserved. I imagined date her on a restaurant, buy her clothes, treat her to the salon or accompany her on the grocery store. I also wanted to visit the past to catch up with my high school friends – Mira and Jeno, I will never forget how they literally brings me deep joy and the reason I am early bird during junior high because of the dare. I just missed the sound of Jeno's sense of humor, I treated her more than a friend rather a sister and it broke me when I received the news that he's gone. I was not there for him nor visit his and mom's grave for years now. I wanted to comfort Mira, but I am too far away and impossible to have my own money for my flight expenses. What I did is to cried and prayed for his soul. All of the good memories flashed back once more yet I realized God might took away two beautiful souls in my life but I am confident they watching over and guiding me through life.

I am or was curious regarding James situation, did it ever cross your mind you regret James being your boyfriend?

In all of the questions I received this one hits me hard to the core. For everyone’s knowledge James and I are in a relationship for over 4 years now. Just like other couples we did fight over little things yet we matured and grow together. One thing I really loved about James Charlie is how kind and pure his heart. He helps people as long as he can even himself are struggling to live. Not to mention his over confidence that I am jealous of. I guess, because of how friendly and inviting his amour. Also, a talented one he knows how to dance, sing and imitate different kinds of sounds, He’s grammar and vocabulary are lit. He can also play guitar very well, draw portrait’s and even writing a poems. He knew, he won my heart through his creative abilities. I was also surprised how he interested over history of aliens, bermuda triangle, mermaids and what I consistently heard of the Pyramid of Giza, life documentaries and other related history of it. I find him sexy whenever he talked about some of it. Our age gap is never an issue on our relationship and I am lucky that he guided me on everything, considered my opinions or thoughts and when I freaked out badly which occasionally happened he handle me perfectly and I appreciated his temperament level during my anxiety attacks or whenever I choose to isolate myself him being shut off. He understood me in my own terms and be myself. Yet relationship will test your loved from one another, there were also things that I don’t like of him doing however James does listened to me. He listens to advises either coming from me or from other people that cared for him. He is a vocal person, that one thing that I fall for him is his sense of humor. I guess talkative and being clingy towards person is his nature especially growing up in a broken family. Consistent communication is a key. I remembered he told me that I was different to all the girls she dated on his past life. That I am out of his league, he doesn’t know that he is of out my league too but when I know him deeply he taught me lessons in life and felt his warm love. Over the course of our relationship he respect the limitless of our love language and he accepted and understood the love without intimacy is a different level of love and respect and from his perspective I wanted everyone to know that James has a huge respect towards me, my beliefs and reasons. How someone could wait for something that he can easily took away something on his past relationship. Our relationship is somehow changed us individually into a better person. Getting older, he became dreamer and goal oriented. I witnessed all his hard work, that he celebrated through silence. He wanted to build home and think of small business that will be our retirement in the future. How many kids we wanted or how many dogs we will going to breed. I guess, some people misunderstood James for so long, how miserable life that no one to talk and curse during your victories or failures? Friends and addiction in alcohol and other stuff are his way of escaped, escape from the reality that lead him to take his own precious life once. I know how difficult life for him way back on his early 20’s that he fought all his battle alone and how he overcome his depression and addiction without someone to lean on. And nowadays, everything makes sense to me that I realize being independent sometimes is not a choice but more on a decision. decision and accepting no one will guide you through your journey so you have to do it alone either it brings you sadness or happiness in a process, not to count living alone and make money all by yourself. I agreed he might do bad decision in life but that doesn’t mean his life has no purpose at all. Instead, God is confident that he will win this battle not for everyone, not for the sake of me or our relationship but for himself. As for our current situation, I know being with him and fight through the end will inspired him a lot. Yes, he currently working on his self and will prove to everyone when the time comes that he will be able to regain his new

life and continue living.

We introverts, tend to think a lot, like really overthink a lot. What do you mostly overthink and how deep? Deep, like does it leads you to think more negatively resulting to depression? (mild depression, maybe).

I overthink some scenarios on my head when it really affects my whole being and when every time I think of it, obviously it trigger my anxiety not depression I guess. I can recall one or two hard situations that happened to me, and I know it wasn’t me trying to act that way. I even punished myself and literally breakdown trying to hurt myself, call me freak or whatever cos now I asked myself too how I even allowed myself to did terrible things, because anxiety creeping on me and telling me to do it. But, mostly I think of is my future and myself – deep that it scared me a lot. I have lot of questions of this world that I keep on searching by myself until now.

Why it took for you to share your problems?

Honestly, when I’m having a serious problem I am not confident to share to anybody except to my family who already knew. It took too long because advises no longer work for me, I listened because it was normal people do – advise and advise. Maybe, it was me who are picky to share my problem with, sometimes people listened but never in heart. Not all people deserve to know your struggle and during your lowest times, I have my own terms of coping so you do.

How do you maintain your petite body? If you had three wishes, what would you wish for?

Wow! I never see this coming. Well, I guess being fit is what I inherited on my father's side. They not so fat unlike on my mother's side. I have no limit on foods I intake in other words not your discipline person to look up to. I do eat carbs, junk foods and sodas is always on my list. I never worried if I am physically fit aside from walking Maxine during days off. I don't know how do I maintain this body I guess I'm never. Being fit actually is my insecurity. However, I do loved my body whatever what happen.

Well, if I had 3 wishes in life - first, to end this pandemic so that everything will back to normal. second, for James to have peace of mind and good health while waiting for the process of his case. And, lastly, for me to be strong, lasting patience and strong faith.

How would you solve your problems?

Problems is always part of lives. But, I believed it is always about the degree of the problem. Whenever, I had problem sometimes I resolved it in time but other times I need more time and space to think what will be the resort of it. And, pray for some guidance.

As independent being, how do you handle depression and anxiety?

Good thing to end all of this questions, I became independent when I graduated from college. I have to commute 131 kilometers back and forth from another city just to apply on my first job and the process is never easy at all. When you sent all of your applications form on each companies but never accepted It brought so much sadness, one point of my life I am eager to seek job because I used it as my coping mechanism to walked away from home which I did now, I walked away to protect my peace of mind especially having anxiety growing up and having this thing is hard as people imagined. You might only see darkness and feel of losing but for me, I guess for a year now I handled myself perfectly I never allow this condition to swallow me whole and affect my way of living. I reminded myself to keep strong and remain optimist and always protect my peace of mind at all cost.

.

I am 24 now strong and happy and leaving Haruki Murakami quote: "And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what storms all about"

[inceptionbigbang]

It’s official folks: the Inception Big Bang 2020 is only a couple weeks away! Follow this blog to receive the latest news and keep an eye out for the sign-up post on April 26th.

First things first, what’s a Big Bang? A Big Bang is a fandom event where authors submit fic summaries / outlines / drafts and artists claim them and produce accompanying artwork. Here’s the link to the fanlore page, if you want to take a look.

If you’re signing up for the Inception Big Bang, welcome! Glad to have you on board. Here are the rules as well as some frequently asked questions. Anything else you want to know drop us a message!

If you were a part of the Inception Big Bang 2019, we recommend reading again or checking out our updates post. It has all of the changes that we’re making this time around.

For writers:

1. All ships are welcome!

2. Minimum of 1,500 words.

We love super short fics too, we promise. But we want to give our artists more to work with.

3. Fic needs to be created for the big bang.

No reposting of old works.

4. Works are secret until revel date.

So no posting excerpts online! Let’s keep up the surprise. Only share your writing with your artist and with a beta, if you want to have one.

5. Keep your artist updated.

It’s a collaboarative event! Remember to give your artist information about your fic, so they have material to work with.

Can it be a crossover?

Sure!

Can it be a continuation of an old work?

Why not?

Can it be OT3 / kink / crack?

Sure! Just keep in mind that the more specific your work is, the harder it may be for one of our artists to connect with it. This is true for anything you may come up with, crossovers, PWPs, squirmish themes, you name it. We encourage creativity! Go wild. But use the appropriate tags when you send us your summary and consider being flexible if our artists are having a hard time with that one.

My fic is 1,487 words and a half!! Is it okay?

Sure. Minimum word count is just a guideline to give our artists something to work with.

How much do I need to write before I sign up?

Just a summary works, don’t worry. The complete fic deadline is the end of July, some way to go. But the more you give our artists the better. You’ve got an outline? One specific scene written? Send them our way. What you send us is what we will put up for grabs for the artists, so make it easy to understand your story!

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For artists:

1. Art needs to be created for the Big Bang.

No reposting of an old work.

2. Works are secret until reveal day.

So no posting drafts online! Let’s keep up the surprise.

3. One or two fics per artist.

The first round of fic claims is a ‘one fic per artist’ round, but we also have a second round! You guys are super welcome to claim fics on both. Just consider the time you can spare (don’t strain yourself!) and keep me updated. If you would like to claim more than that message me @ dreaminghigher. Consider signing up for pinch hitter!

What counts as art?

Art drawn or painted, including digital art,

Photo manips,

Moodboards and pic sets,

Gifsets (if you’re making them! don’t steal gifs),

Comics,

Fanvids of at least 1 minute,

Physical crafts like sculpture, knitting, embroidery, whatever talents you’re hiding from us! If it’s anything super crazy check with us first, but chances are you’re fine. As long as you can submit a picture within the deadline it’s fair game.

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For betas:

This year potential betas will be compiled in a publicly available list. Instead of trying to pair up people (which didn't really work last time) we will instead make one big list with:

1. the person available as a beta, 

2. their prefered pairings, 

3. their no-gos and 

4. one of their social media contacts (like tumblr or discord).

Anyone who is looking for a beta can check out the list. So keep it mind when signing up as a beta!

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For everyone:

Reply to the check-in emails.

There will be two of them and this year replying is mandatory. This is a collaborative event guys! That means someone will put in work to produce a piece for you. They deserve to get something back. If you need to drop out it’s okay, but we need the feedback. Reply and tell us what's up. It can be as short as "things are good," or "Hey, I have a question." Shoot. We're here to help. But no reply to the check-in emails this year means a drop out and we will contact pinch-hitters.

Speaking of which, save our email to the list of trusted contacts!

It’s inceptionbigbang@outlook.com, by the way. We will send updates over there.

Can I sign up as artist and author?

Sure!

Why am I being asked if I’m over 18?

It’s for adult content reasons. We will again allow both minors and NSFW pieces in the event, which means once again participants will be asked if they are over age when signing up. This information is just for the event organizers, to make sure minors aren't paired up with anyone wanting to produce porn. If you're an author and you think your fic could get explicit please properly tag it when sending in your summary.

Panic time, I won’t be able to make the deadline! What now?

Hey, it’s okay! Life happens, we get it. Just keep us updated. Send an email to inceptionbigbang@outlook.com or drop me a message @dreaminghigher and we can help. We can let your artist/author know to wait an extra couple of days, for example, or if you can’t complete your piece we can talk to pinch-hitters. No problem, but tell us what’s up.

[beneaththetangles]

Light Novel Club, Chapter 28: Rascal Does Not Dream of Bunny Girl Senpai, Vol. 1

Welcome to our Light Novel Club discussion of Rascal Does Not Dream of Bunny Girl Senpai!

As a reminder, the Light Novel Club discussions are now held publicly on the Beneath the Tangles Discord server. I bring this up because this time around, we actually have a number of participants in our discussion on Discord, which made for a very lively discussion this time around! That said, because of the sheer volume of the discussion, we cannot post the entire discussion here without making the post way too long, so we instead have a highlight reel of our discussion. So let’s jump in to the discussion on this light novel that inspired a popular anime, featuring a rascal, a bunny girl, and a strange take on Schrödinger’s cat!

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1. What are your overall thoughts on the novel?

Firefox789: My overall thoughts on the novel can be summarized like this: it was an enjoyable and addictive light novel to read. The character interactions really made me enjoy the novel even more than I expected, as some parts of the novel couldn’t be adapted into the anime whether due to the challenge of including them or time/budget contraints (ex. Sakuta’s inner monologue). Character interactions were definitely one of the strong points of the light novel.

Closet0taku: It’s interesting to approach a light novel after having seen the anime (and movie). I enjoyed the LN as it gave more depth to all of the characters I encountered in the anime while also setting up the mysteries that would take another half-dozen light novels to solve. I think, though, that had I read LN #1 first before the anime was released, I’m not sure I would have continued on with the books; the scars on Sakuta’s chest and Kaede’s syndrome might not have intrigued me enough to continue. On the other hand, the denoument with Koga might have been the hook to keep me going. Having very much enjoyed the anime and movie, I find the LNs are indispensable in fully appreciating the whole story, and what points the author was trying to make about culture and relationships.

stardf29: I definitely liked the whole idea of various socio-psychological issues being reflected in the real, physical world. It’s the sort of teenage drama I enjoy from all these anime/manga/light novels in high school settings, since they are issues that people struggle with even after their teenage years, and the novels definitely worked in those struggles well. The novel could also be fun when it wanted to be fun, and the relationship between Sakuta and Mai was also nice, so yeah, definitely a great read overall.

RyanDH: I thought the novel was very fun and relatable. Lots of times, depictions of teenagers can be cringey or out-of-touch, but I found all of the dialogue and characters to be believable and well-written.

Twwk: I mostly enjoyed it! I sometimes got caught up in how poorly the series functions as science fiction—more on that later— and in what I felt was novice-level writing from the author, but when I wasn’t tripped up by those foibles, I blazed through the volume, ravenous for one page after another. It was a fun read.

BambiBethy: I have a confession…I’m only on chapter two because busy mom life! So it’s too soon for me to assess the book as a whole.

2. What made the light novel an enjoyable read for you? (via Firefox789)

stardf29: One reason I like light novels as a medium is how we get to see the thought processes of the characters, and getting into Sakuta’s head here definitely added to how much I enjoyed the novel.

RyanDH: Sakuta was an extremely relatable protagonist for me. I was in a similar situation while still in high school: no phone and a bit of a cynical view of the atmosphere and politics involved in being a teenager. Phones open up so many doors for social interaction, but it also means that nearly every second of young peoples’ lives is now dedicated to maintaining and improving their relationships with their classmates. Look at Kaede’s situation: one missed message and suddenly her friends and her whole class had turned on her. They never get to be truly alone, and I find the whole concept really interesting to try to understand at a deeper level.

BambiBethy: So far I am really enjoying the banter between Mai and Sakuta.

3. If both an anime and LN/manga for the series is available, do you have a preference as to which order you approach them? (via Closet0taku)

FIrefox789: I have learned that my best approach for getting into a title is see how the community reacts to how well the source material is being adapted. If the community thinks that a light novel has a decent to above average adaptation, I will usually watch the anime first and then decide whether I want to read the novels. Bunny Girl Senpai is a case where I was sold on the series to the point I decided to fork out $140 on buying the TV series and movie on Blu-ray and also buying the novels as they released in English officially. However, if it’s the case I hear that the anime isn’t doing the best job at adapting the source material (ex. Horimiya 2021), I will most likely stick with the source material whether it’s the manga or light novel. Manga is sometimes a debatable option for me because I have never liked manga adaptations of light novels as most of the time, they deviate from the novels.

stardf29: So I’ve had the opportunity to approach anime adaptations from all angles: seeing the anime first and then reading the novel, reading the novel first and then watching the anime, and a “hybrid” approach where I read some of the novel, and then watch the anime which goes beyond the point where I read. While I would generally prefer to read as much of the novel as will be adapted in the anime before watching said anime, realistically I often don’t have the time to read that much with all the other stuff there is to read. So the “hybrid” approach is a nice way to see how much I might be interested in an anime adaptation in the first place, and get a feel for how good the adaptation is.

RyanDH: I definitely like to read something before watching it, if possible. It gives my imagination more creative freedom to create the world and characters on my own, rather than just imagine the ones I’m already used to seeing.

BambiBethy: I actually just finished the anime and movie. I usually don’t like reading books if I’ve already seen the live or animated adaptation, but in this case it’s ok since I can imagine the characters from the anime. Also there’s a lot more depth in the LN.

4. In the first chapters of volume, it’s revealed that this novel would be almost a nonlinear story. What was your reaction to this literary writing style? (via Firefox789)

Close0taku: I personally like non-linear novels, films, anime, and other media. It’s a challenge to the viewer to make sense of it. I know some viewers do not like it and find it distracting or confusing—tell me a story, don’t make it convoluted—since it’s obvious that the narrator knows exactly what has happened. But that’s really not how we live life, is it? We often find out “the rest of the story” after we’ve been introduced to people or places; besides, if we were (in Bunny Girl Senpai) to learn at the start exactly the reason for Kaede’s illness or Sakuta’s scars, it wouldn’t be nearly as dramatic. I like mysteries, and while the classic mystery seems linear, it shares the same sort of twists and turns as you discover more information. So, I have no issue with it.

RyanDH: I found the story easy to follow, and it moved at a pace that was just fast enough to progress, but also slow enough to have solid characterization of the main couple, as well as some of the side characters.

stardf29: The funny thing is, this series shares some similarities with Bakemonogatari, which is also non-linear in nature and starts after the protagonist has experienced supernatural events already. (I even read the first Bakemonogatari novel soon after reading this novel…) I think it’s an interesting setup for various reasons. First of all, you don’t have to waste much time with the protagonist getting shocked that supernatural events are happening in the first place. Second, it provides some hooks for future content to revisit the past. Perhaps the most notable thing is yet another thing that Rascal shares with Monogatari: The first story that is told is the one focusing on the girl that the guy is primarily romatically interested in. Because other girls are involved with what happened to them beforehand, this helps “keep them out” of the romance picture; I don’t have to worry about getting too attached to those other girls and not being able to support the “main girl.”

Twwk: That’s really interesting that you make that connection to Monogatari, stardf29. I don’t recall thinking it when I watched the anime series, but while reading the light novel, I kept returning to Monogatari and thinking that it must have influenced it. Rascal is almost a more palatable version of Monogatari, easy to engage with but also less creative (not that a bunny girl isn’t an interesting way to begin a novel series!).

5. The novels get a lot of praise for portraying the relationship between our main duo, Sakuta and Mai, very well and with an entertaining writing style. What do you think makes their relationship so special? (via Firefox789)

RyanDH: What was so funny and likable about their synergy was the shock factor involved in some of their banter. I could NEVER imagine saying to a girl some of the things Sakuta says while poking fun at Mai, but the fact that she responded similarly always made me laugh.

Closet0taku: Sakuta has almost no filter. He often says what he feels. He has a lot of respect and integrity where Mai is concerned, but he can’t turn off his teenage self, either. He’s unapologetic about trying to steal a kiss from Mai (he’s unsuccessful in LN 1), if not more. Mai tries to match Sakuta’s frankness, but falls short, and embarrasses herself when she does. It’s this twisted repartee where both are learning about the other through a variety of trying circumstances as they both come to grips with the strange goings-on.

stardf29: There’s something to be said for the gap in Sakuta’s and Mai’s statuses: Sakuta is kind of the loser guy in school (for various reasons), while Mai is a famous actress. Under normal circumstances, the two shouldn’t even ever talk with each other, but because of the whole Adolescence Syndrome, they find not only a reason to talk, but also a chance to understand each other beyond the statuses they have. As others have said, they also play off each other well, which helps balance out the more serious moments between the two.

BambiBethy: Their personalities are amazing! The way they just clicked when they first met is really special. I love imagining their banter and facial expressions.

6. What do you think of Sakuta and Mai individually as characters?

Firefox789: Sakuta is definitely a great portrayal of a non-typical male teenage light novel protagonist. What makes Sakuta a great character isn’t that he manages to get the girl, but how he does. Sakuta has enough self confidence in himself that he can approach the beautiful actress, Mai Sakurajima, without having second doubts about how he sees himself in comparison to others. He never compares himself to Mai or gets down on himself for wanting to approach her. Sakuta felt attracted to Mai and just approached her without any second thoughts. A reason why Mai was willing to open up to Sakuta was because he was honest to her about why he was approaching her and why he wanted to help her. If Sakuta had lied to Mai even once, it would have been game over for him, so him being honest to her was the one reason why his relationship with her was so successful. A minor complaint about Sakuta is that he can sometimes blurt out the most blatant and inappropriate comments known to a teenage boy, but he has enough good qualities to himself that most readers can overlook his flaws.

Closet0taku: Sakuta is a noble soul trapped in a teenager’s body. “I just can’t ignore someone in trouble,” is his life philosophy. He’s proven it with Kaede, and will demonstrate it again with Mai. I think the consistency of his character is maintained throughout the LN. As far as Mai is concerned…she’s a little more undefined as a person—we don’t get to hear her inner monologue, so we have to take her at face value. I can’t say whether a celebrity would really act this way, but I am happy Mai is doing so.

7. What do you think of the other characters that appear in this volume?

Closet0taku: I like how all the other characters have their quirks—the dismissive Futaba, vulnerable Kaede, brash Koga, reliable Kunimi. They’re not terribly well-developed yet—that will happen in the future—but they are good touchstones for Sakuta to interact with as he moves throughout his day trying to get to the bottom of Mai’s Adolescent Syndrome.

stardf29: I don’t have too much to add about the main characters; they’re both good protagonists for this story as others have said. There sure are some fun side characters, though, which is good because they will be in focus in later volumes. Kaede is your classic Overly Attached Little Sister, though perhaps she has more reason of being so attached given her past. Kunimi is a nice guy friend to support Sakuta (his girlfriend is kind of a jerk, though, to put it nicely). Tomoe is… silly. I mean, it’s one thing to kick a guy because you misunderstood when he was helping a kid, but to ask him to kick you back as penance? Definitely an amusing first impression. And Rio provides the scientific info dumps and assistance with figuring the whole “Adolescent Syndrome” out, and I do like these sorts of “professor” characters like her.

Twwk: Aside from the mains, I definitely found myself liking Tomoe. As stardf29 notes…so silly. What an unusual introduction!

8. What do you think of how the story uses the idea of “Adolescent Syndrome” in general, and the concept of Schrödinger’s cat in this volume?

Twwk: It confused me—though that’s not the novelist’s fault. I thought Adolescent Syndrome was a referrence to being a chuunibyou, as if these occurrences were chuunibyou come to life. But I later gathered that the syndrome is actually completely made up for this series. I do think that using this invented syndrome though, along with the use science elements, weakens the story. Before the discussion above comparing the series to Monogatari, it was more The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya that I was most reminded of. That series—and Monogatari as well—uses the supernatural in a way that makes the science fiction possible, and thus veers it toward a direction where the novel doesn’t much have to explain its science. But here, it feels like we’re supposed to accept the science presented, and that’s problematic because it’s not written particularly well. It feels like the writer did about an hour of research and just went with it, which is fine if your story involves espers and goddesses along with aliens and time travelers, but not when Sakuta turns to Rio for “hard science” advice. If the author just forgot the science angle and say, made Rio into some other type of character (she doesn’t particularly seem a good scientist as she is, by the way, guzzling coffee from beakers), I would have more readily accepted Schrödinger’s cat as an idea just put forward by an adolescent, and it would work in this supernatural environment.

stardf29: I actually liked the usage of Schrödinger’s cat in the story; maybe I’m just more interested in science overall, but I thought the reflection of this bit of quantum mechanics into real-world phenomenon was done pretty well. It’s not so much science working in weird ways to me as it is some kind of supernatural force that has “hijacked” scientific concepts. In that sense it does make me curious as to what this whole “Adolescent Syndrome” actually is, and if we’ll learn more about where it comes from.

RyanDH: So well said stardf29, I agree 100%. A supernatural force “hijacking” science is exactly the vibe I got from that portion of the book, and that theme definitely carried over into the second book as well. I believe our intrinsic need to understand and classify the world and wrap up all of these findings into what we call “science” can leave us with certain biases when we experience something so out of the ordinary

Twwk: So you both like how science is woven into the plot? “Hijacking” science is an interesting way of seeing it, but it’s use in this novel remains a wall for me. When you allow your work to enter the realm of science fiction, it needs to feature a sense of realism related to that science, and somehow talking science without letting it guide the principles of the story feels like a cheap plot device, like, “Let’s throw science in this story to make it distinct! One of the girls can even be a science nerd!” But perhaps that’s just coming from someone with way too much bias for sci-fi novels.

stardf29: Maybe likewise because I’m more of a fantasy person, I can think of this more as “the fantasy-zation of science” rather than science in and of itself?

Closet0taku: I’m fine with the scientific parallels to quantum theory and relativity, and in particular the theories of observation (which go beyond physics and into philosophy) that give rise to Mai’s manifestation of the syndrome.

9. How much can you relate to the struggles that Sakuta or Mai go through?

Twwk: Related to the question earlier about their relationship, I like “watching” Sakuta and Mai. They have a fun report. I don’t necessarily relate to them because I find them a bit idealized—Sakuta is a little too self-aware, confident, and strong, and is too easily able to charm Mai, who on the other hand is walking wish fulfillment—though if I had to pick one, I find her more relateable in the sense that she’s struggling under a weight that she doesn’t necessarily need to carry, but still is unable to lift off herself. I don’t think that’s unusual for people to experience, especially when you’re a teenager.

stardf29: I think what I relate to most, moreso than the characters’ Adolescent Syndrome-related issues, is the whole idea that there’s some kind of “atmosphere” within a certain group (like the students at a school) and how people will get looked down upon for trying to ruin that atmosphere by doing something that “stands out.” That is definitely something that I feel is stifling about socializing, and Sakuta breaking past that to confess his love for Mai was a great “ruin the atmosphere” moment in the book.

Closet0taku: I don’t know that I can relate to their particular struggles, as I think high schools in the U.S. are somewhat less focused on the “atmosphere” and the impenetrable cliques that form. I won’t say it’s unique to Japan, but it is certainly endorsed by its culture.

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Thanks for reading, and special thanks to everyone who participated in the discussion! I would love for future discussions to also have readers like you joining in, so if you are interested, join our Discord server and check out the Light Novel Club channels! You can also join to peek in on our discussions live, to make sure you don’t miss anything we talk about.

For March 2021, we will be reading Tearmoon Empire, Vol. 3! Our discussion will begin on March 20th. We will also be announcing our April 2021 title on the Discord soon!

[acoolchickouthere13]

November 2019 Taylor hosts friendsgiving

November 24, 2019 Artists of the Decade AMAs

“In 2020, Swift will embark on Lover Fest, a run of stadium dates that will feature a hand-picked lineup of artists (as yet unannounced) and allow Swift more time off from the road. ‘This is a year where I have to be there for my family -- there’s a lot of question marks throughout the next year, so I wanted to make sure that I could go home,’ says Swift, likely referencing her mother’s cancer diagnosis. ...New artists and producers and writers need work, and they need to be likable and get booked in sessions, and they can’t make noise -- but if I can, then I’m going to,” promises Swift. This is where being impossibly famous can be a very good thing. “I know that it seems like I’m very loud about this,’ she says, ‘but it’s because someone has to be.’...I’ve spent a lot of time recalibrating my life to make it feel manageable. Because there were some years there where I felt like I didn’t quite know what exactly to give people and what to hold back, what to share and what to protect. I think a lot of people go through that, especially in the last decade. I broke through pre-social media, and then there was this phase where social media felt fun and casual and quirky and safe. And then it got to the point where everyone has to evaluate their relationship with social media. So I decided that the best thing I have to offer people is my music. I’m not really here to influence their fashion or their social lives. That has bled through into the live part of what I do….I get so many phone calls from new artists out of the blue -- like, “Hey, I’m getting my first wave of bad press, I’m freaking out, can I talk to you?” And the answer is always yes! I’m talking about more than 20 people who have randomly reached out to me. I take it as a compliment because it means that they see what has happened over the course of my career, over and over again….From a creative standpoint, I’ve been writing alone a lot more. I’m good with being alone, with thinking alone. When I come up with a marketing idea for the Lover tour, the album launch, the merch, I’ll go right to my management company that I’ve put together. I think a team is the best way to be managed. Just from my experience, I don’t think that this overarching, one-person-handles-my-career thing was ever going to work for me. Because that person ends up kind of being me who comes up with most of the ideas, and then I have an amazing team that facilitates those ideas.

The behind-the-scenes work is different for every phase of my career that I’m in. Putting together the festival shows that we’re doing for Lover is completely different than putting together the Reputation Stadium Tour. Putting together the reputation launch was so different than putting together the 1989 launch. So we really do attack things case by case, where the creative first informs everything else. ...I do think about [starting a label or signing other artists] every once in a while, but if I was going to do it, I would need to do it with all of my energy. I know how important that is, when you’ve got someone else’s career in your hands, and I know how it feels when someone isn’t generous….Thankfully, there’s power in writing your music. Every week, we get a dozen synch requests to use “Shake It Off” in some advertisement or “Blank Space” in some movie trailer, and we say no to every single one of them. And the reason I’m rerecording my music next year is because I do want my music to live on. I do want it to be in movies, I do want it to be in commercials. But I only want that if I own it. [i dont know how long the recording process will take, but] it’s going to be fun, because it’ll feel like regaining a freedom and taking back what’s mine. When I created [these songs], I didn’t know what they would grow up to be. Going back in and knowing that it meant something to people is actually a really beautiful way to celebrate what the fans have done for my music.”(x)

Christmas Tree Farm Dec. 1, 2019(p: Jimmy Napes) here

“Icy and blue”

Dec. 4, 2019

Dec. 4, 2019 karlie sells her west village apt. here...meanwhile reports say Taylor “spends a lot of time in London with Joe and doesn’t go out much” and it’s hilarious

I don’t know when The Man was shot yet, but I just put it here

Dec. 13, 2019=30 years old, Billboard Woman of the Decade here

Dec. 16, 2019 jack tweets “hi from the studio”...Taylor goes to Cats premiere in London with Joe

Dec. 18, 2019

(Wears the same shirt March 4, 2019)

Reports say Taylor was in London with Joe the week of Christmas, and family flew in from Nashville BUT WHAT I FIND INTERESTING IS JACK’s TWEET THE NEXT DAY SEEMS CRYPTIC GIVEN THIS CONTEXT WETHER ITS TRUE OR NOT lol

December 27, 2019 jack tweets “ok. back to the studio now. goodmorning to my upstairs neighbors!”

January 1, 2020 Taylor goes to concert in Maldives with Joe

January 5, 2020

“Her experience with the trial was crucial, she says, in finding herself “needing to speak up about beliefs I’d always had, because it felt like an opportunity to shed light on what those trials are like. I experienced it as a person with extreme privilege, so I can only imagine what it’s like when you don’t have that. And I think one theme that ended up emerging in the film is what happens when you are not just a people pleaser but someone who’s always been respectful of authority figures, doing what you were supposed to do, being polite at all costs. I still think it’s important to be polite, but not at all costs,” she says. “Not when you’re being pushed beyond your limits, and not when people are walking all over you. I needed to get to a point where I was ready, able and willing to call out bulls— rather than just smiling my way through it.”...[Regarding the speech at the Woman of the Decade BBA]: “Well, I do sleep well at night knowing that I’m right,” she responds, “and knowing that in 10 years it will have been a good thing that I spoke about artists’ rights to their art, and that we bring up conversations like: Should record deals maybe be for a shorter term, or how are we really helping artists if we’re not giving them the first right of refusal to purchase their work if they want to?” “Obviously, anytime you’re standing up against or for anything, you’re never going to receive unanimous praise. But that’s what forces you to be brave. And that’s what’s different about the way I live my life now.” (Braun’s camp could not be reached for comment.)...Whereas typically she’d spend nine months in the year after an album release on the road, she plans to limit herself to four stadium dates in America this summer and a trip around the festival circuit in Europe. This may not be 100% for personal reasons: “I wanted to be able to perform in places that I hadn’t performed in as much, and to do things I hadn’t done before, like Glastonbury,” she says. “I feel like I haven’t done festivals, really, since early in my career — they’re fun and bring people together in a really cool way. But I also wanted to be able to work as much as I can handle right now, with everything that’s going on at home. And I wanted to figure out a way that I could do both those things.”

Is being able to be there for her mother the main concern? “Yeah, that’s it. That’s the reason,” she says. “I mean, we don’t know what is going to happen. We don’t know what treatment we’re going to choose. It just was the decision to make at the time, for right now, for what’s going on. Everyone loves their mom; everyone’s got an important mom,” she allows. “But for me, she’s really the guiding force. Almost every decision I make, I talk to her about it first. So obviously it was a really big deal to ever speak about her illness.” During filming, when Andrea’s cancer had returned for a second time, “she was going through chemo, and that’s a hard enough thing for a person to go through.” Then it got harder. Speaking about this latest development publicly for the first time, Swift quietly reveals: “While she was going through treatment, they found a brain tumor. And the symptoms of what a person goes through when they have a brain tumor is nothing like what we’ve ever been through with her cancer before. So it’s just been a really hard time for us as a family….I chose Netflix because it’s a very vast, accessible medium to people who are just like, ‘Hey, what’s this? I’m bored.’ I love that, because I do so many things that cater specifically to fans that like my music, I think it’s important to put yourself out there to people who don’t care at all about you.”...I don’t think I’ve ever written this much. That’s exhibited in ‘Lover’ having the most songs that I’ve ever had on an album” (18, to be exact). “But even after I made the album, I kept writing and going in the studio. That’s a new thing I’ve experienced this time around. That openness kind of feels like you finally got the lid off a jar you’ve been working at for years. ...you become a brand. That’s inevitable for me, but I do think that it’s really necessary to feel like I can still communicate with people. And as a songwriter, it’s really important to still feel human and process things in a human way. The through line of all that is humanity, and reaching out and talking to people and having them see things that aren’t cute. There’s a lot that’s not cute in this documentary.”(x)

January 5, 2020 Taylor goes to Golden Globes with Joe

January 27, 2020

February 6, 2020-LA

February 12, 2020 Taylor goes to NME awards in London with Joe

February 23, 2020 Joe’s birthday-double date in London at restaurant

February 24-28, 2020

March 3, 2020

[madd-information]

Maladaptive Daydreaming: Tic Toc Breakdown

A recent post on Tic Tok got some attention.  I’ve transcribed the videos here to make some comments on them and provide some additional information. Here are the relevant bits, full transcription below.

“Maladaptive Daydreaming is when you daydream so intensely that you talk to yourself or you act out scenarios by yourself. It's not like psychosis, you're not seeing things, it's daydreaming out loud. Like you're letting your daydream out.  And some people have severe maladaptive daydreaming, that's when they do those things in public and kinda don't realize they're doing it.”

MD is not “daydreaming out loud”, movement is not even a requirement. It is very common among us, however, about 21% of MDers don’t have any movement associated with their daydreaming behavior. Severe MD is when more than one area of life functioning is impaired by clinically significant distress or dysfunction stemming from the daydreaming behavior. It makes no difference if it happens publicly or if the MDer realizes they are doing it. MD is not like psychosis, she’s on point there.

“Maladaptive Daydreaming, itself, is not a disorder but it is a trait of quite a few different mental disorders and could be a trait of someone on the spectrum.  But there are creative and healthy ways to deal with this… if you make characters and story lines in your head cosplay them. Even if you put it on private and it's just for you turning what you've created into something tangible. People like this are so creative, so you guys are good at writing, could do scripts, skits, like TV shows, plays, like novels, incredible things!”

A little more murky.  MD is not an officially recognized disorder, this is true. It will take many more years of study to gather enough evidence that MD is a unique disorder, if, indeed, it is.  MD researchers are pursuing MD as a possible disorder in their studies and have developed reliable measures for it, here is a link to the MD [proposed] diagnostic criteria. 

MD is a construct that stands alone, though it may be closely related to other constructs.   Excessive or vivid daydreaming is a trait found in many disorders, many of these are not MD.  This seems to be a matter of not distinguishing other forms of fantasy from MD. 

There is not, yet, any research on MDs relationship to ASD. If they experience MD at higher rates than the general population is unknown.

As for the ‘healthy ways to deal’, recent research suggests that MDers are less creative than both normal daydreamers and non-disordered immersive daydreamers. This is because we don’t make anything from our fantasies in reality.  Giving yourself a creative outlet is good advice, even, as she says, if you never share it, the act of making fantasies tangible is a good way to engage in reality in a safe and artistic way.  I do think there is an underlying misconception here though; that MDers are naturally good story tellers.  That’s just not how MD works, fantasies do not play out like readable scripts, they are often repetitive and derivative and impossible to make sense of or turn into anything readable.  

Writing is a wonderful skill, and an absolutely accessible one.  If writing interests you, or if you just want to get things out of your head, or if you think it will be therapeutic, for any reason! Do it!  Don’t be upset if you suck at first because your’e “supposed to be a naturally good story teller”, you’re not, and sucking at something is just the first step to being kinda good at something, keep at it.

“So, it's not considered a disorder but there is like the lighter form of it... just when you're by yourself sometimes when you're bored, you're not doing anything, you just start imagining things, and do it out loud.  And then there's the severe which can be unhealthy because some people create like whole fictitious worlds and characters that they form friendships with and fall in love with and they would rather spend their time by themselves, like, locked up in their room or their house than actually go out and interact with real people in the real world. And that is when it can get tied in with OCD, but it's not a disorder that's in the DSM.”

I think what the underlying problem in these videos is that OP doesn’t seem to be making a distinction between IMers and MDers.  IM is not the “light form” of MD.   Maladaptive Daydreamers are a subset of Immersive Daydreamers. Immersive daydreaming is not pathological. MD is always, in every case, unhealthy or negative for the daydreamer in some way. That is the definition of MD.  If it is not then that person is not an MDer. And, again, the ‘out loud’ part is not true for many. She does tap into some reasons for MD distress/dysfunction, preferring fantasy to real world responsibilities (being ‘locked up in their room’) is a common experience for MDers.

Research does show a link with OCD, though it’s unclear if MD is (in at least some cases) an OCD spectrum disorder.  It is likely a behavioral addiction and is almost certainly a disordered form of dissociative absorption.  She’s not wrong here, just making OCD sound a little more at the forefront than it might actually be.  

“I went about those first videos, I feel like, completely wrong because maladaptive daydreaming isn't a healthy thing to do and I went about it in a way of not wanting people who did this to call themselves weird.  Because if you are the type of person that mouths and gestures in front of people they're already going to do that for you.” 

Her final video makes it more clear that she was trying to be more reassuring than informative and perhaps didn’t present what she had to say in a way that was appropriate. She just didn’t want MDers to get down on themselves, so, thanks for that. 

Full transcriptions below:

Video 1: If you do this now you know it has a name. 

So I'm willing to bet that a lot of you never heard of this and a lot of you might do this so I wanted to talk about it so you'll know you aren't that weird. I mean, just, you're not weird.  So I've done this thing my whole life that I thought everybody did until about two or three years ago when I started asking people that I was very very comfortable with, like, do you do this and they were all like "No?"

And that thing is Maladaptive Daydreaming.  So it is going to sound really weird for the people who don't do this but Maladaptive Daydreaming is when you daydream so intensely that you like talk to yourself or you act out scenarios by yourself. It's not like psychosis, you're not seeing things, it's daydreaming out loud. Like you're letting your daydream out.  And some people have severe maladaptive daydreaming, that's when they do those things in public and kinda don't realize they're doing it.  But now, if you do that, now you know that it has a name and it's not weird, you're just creative. It's cool. 

Video 2: Maladaptive Daydreaming again

So let's talk more about Maladaptive Daydreaming because I never thought that so many people would say that they do this and it's really cool because now you guys know you aren't alone and it has a name.  

So Maladaptive Daydreaming, itself, is not a disorder but it is a trait of quite a few different mental disorders and, I found out in the comments, could be a trait of someone on the spectrum.  But there are creative and healthy ways to deal with this or like find a way to make, what I would believe would be really cool is to make it tangible, right? So, this [Tictok?] is a wonderful outlet for that, if you make characters and story lines in your head cosplay them. Even if you put it on private and it's just for you turning what you've created into something tangible. People like this are so creative, so you guys are good at writing, could do scripts, skits, like TV shows, plays, like novels, incredible things!

Video 3: Pt2 Still doesn't mean you're weird. 

I wanted to do a little more about Maladaptive Daydreaming because there's actually a bunch more to it than what I could get out in the last video and it can get to an unhealthy place. So, it's not considered a disorder but there is like the lighter form of it, which is like what I would do like when, just when you're by yourself sometimes when you're like bored, you're not doing anything, you just start imagining things, and do it out loud. 

And then there's the severe which can be unhealthy because some people create like whole fictitious worlds and characters that they form friendships with and fall in love with and they would rather spend their time by themselves, like, locked up in their room or their house than like actually go out and interact with real people in the real world. And that is when it can get tied in with OCD, but it's not a disorder that's in the DSM so, I don't know, if you want to know more let me know. 

Video 4:Pt 3 I'm sorry

So I'm doing thing backwards because I should have made the captions in my maladaptive daydreaming videos, like, not that. Like, I went about those first videos, I feel like, completely wrong because, it's, maladaptive daydreaming isn't a healthy thing to do and I just went about it in a way of not wanting people who did this to call themselves weird.  Because if you are the type of person that mouths and gestures in front of people they're already going to do that for you. And I, so I went about it wrong, it's not that you're weird but it isn't a healthy thing to do and if it's to a point, guys, where, like, you would rather live in this place that you've created it may be tied in with OCD, which is just like that need to have things a certain way that you would rather live in this place that you've created. If your parents aren't understanding this YouTube it, there's lots of stuff on there guys

[nythroughthelens]

On rejection, looking for a job, and numbers that boggle the mind...

(Long read, would mean the world if you read it and share it) I wanted to shed some light on the overall challenges I am experiencing in trying to find a full-time job right now.  I am going to share the raw numbers and effort with you before I share my background and situation. 

1. Of the now 317 creative jobs I applied to on various job boards and networks over the last 4-5 months, I only received 11 replies. 

Yes, only 11 replies.

Seven of those replies were automated rejections due to my CV not making it through the tracking systems in place.

The other four replies were mainly that they felt I had a great CV but that the position(s) had been filled internally or otherwise.

2. Let's talk a little more about the automated systems in place that read your CV. The systems are widespread and meant to lighten the load of in-house recruiters. Your CV passes or is rejected due to keywords and phrases. In the past, people apparently used to try to stuff their CVs full of keywords and/or essentially copy the job listing to pass the system. However, the systems have gotten more intelligent and also should you do that to your CV, it makes it a tad unreadable once it reaches the eyes of an actual human.

I am fairly positive that cold-applying to jobs is a futile process for the most part due to this factor.

3. Some listings aren't actually viable jobs. Companies leave listings up long after positions are filled or worse, there are CV harvesting services posing as regular listings that essentially are collecting CVs and data. 

4. I even tried paying to in-mail hiring and talent managers on LinkedIn. I reached out that way with personal notes about 32 times. 

People who replied from this effort: 4

One person who replied was from an agency I really want to work at and she replied to let me know she had just quit her job but wanted to wish me success. Another recruiter also replied to let me know that she moved on to working at a dog rescue and hadn't updated her profile. 

The other two people replied that they loved my background and would get back to me while also admitting that they had a hard time keeping up with in-mails. I never heard back from them despite pinging them again just to re-establish a connection.

I should add that for every job I apply to via that job site, I also seek out the talent acquisition person(s) at the company and send a personal note to them. This hasn't actually led anywhere.

5.  I compiled a list of 84 media/streaming/ad/design/PR agencies in NYC and cold-emailed them all with personalized emails. 

Replies from this effort: 0

Not one response.

6.  I reached out to over 12 recruitment/staffing people/agencies (also called half of them and was assured I would have someone 'get back' to me). 

Replies from this effort: 0

7.  I was referred to 4 recruiters personally who I reached out to. 

Result of this effort: 3 of the recruiters ghosted me after talking to me, and the other one I never even reached in the first place.

8.  I swallowed my pride and plastered myself all over social media publicly asking for leads (for reference, I have around 400,000+ people following me across networks, see below for my actual background if curious). 

Actual responses that panned out: 1

One potential really great lead did contact me and we talked on the phone. 

Perhaps that will turn into something. 

Let that sink in though.

Only 1 person with a genuine lead appeared.

The rest of the replies were from people who didn't read any of my actual post (skipped over where I said I am specifically looking for a full-time job in creative/advertising/media/design related work)

9. I tapped into my network by posting a few private posts to specific groups of people. Truthfully, some people went out of their way. However, ultimately those leads haven't materialized into anything either due to a non-response despite having internal referrers.

In fact, I have exhausted all of the familiar networking advice typically given. I am a the point of not wanting to actively get the people in my network to resent me for all the times I have reached out already to them individually.

In the last decade, I have been to more networking and various industry events than I can count. I have a lot of thoughts on this that would be more suited to another lengthy post though. Just wanted to add that this is not something I haven't done. 

Rejections:

Of the rejections I have received from agencies (creative/media), I keep hearing that I am not being considered because I don't have literal agency experience (meaning, because I never worked full-time at an agency, I am tossed out of the running even with my background which involves doing actual contract work for various creative agencies). This has been the most maddening part of the whole process to be honest.

This brings me to my background. Here's my formal background statement that I had to write out for a job months ago but covers quite a bit.

Having just spent the last decade building my art career from scratch resulting in a following of around 500,000 people across all social media, two passion projects that became a traditional book deal resulting in two internationally published and best-selling photography books, a multi-year financial sponsorship with a major imaging brand, and a wide array of experiences that have informed how I approach collaboration and creation, I am at the next step in my life. That step is to find a full-time creative home. I truly believe that ideas are at their best when they are allowed to thrive alongside a diverse array of audiences and collaborators. Nothing excites me more than sharing an idea with utmost excitement knowing that the sharing of that idea is just the start of the story. In fact, I truly believe that storytelling is at its heart a collaborative process and that everyone has the potential and ability to contribute to the storytelling process. Everyone has their own unique set of experiences and adaptive knowledge that they can contribute and I love nothing more than being the person that can synthesize all of these perspectives and ideas into something incredible. I believe that everyone I have collaborated with, from the astronaut who chose me to tell the story of our trip to the Arctic together, to the teams I worked with to create creative campaigns, to the communities I was privileged to help in the Dominican Republic and Cuba, has changed me in a multitude of ways in terms of my perspective, and how I approach life, art, storytelling, and the process of creation. Every day, as humans, we learn and grow in a variety of ways. The ability to look back and call upon these experiences that help us learn is what truly helps foster a well-rounded view of what it means to be, at heart, a storyteller and synthesizer of ideas. Now that I have hopefully regaled you with that formal statement, here are the last 10 years of my career put into a tidy format:

► Directed the creative process of all photography and writing projects from ideation to execution and distribution ► Managed all project assets, including project plans, data back-ups, uploads, photo-editing, photo-management, photo-shoots, disc storage management, file transfers ► Negotiated contract rates, terms of usage, and day rates while producing project requirements and timelines to consistently meet deadlines for events, exhibitions, and roll-outs of product releases ► Collaborated and executed many large-scale projects resulting in exhibitions around the world and even a featured collaboration with Astronaut Commander Hadfield presenting our collaborative art project to the Toronto Art Gallery of Ontario ► Expanded brand presence across multiple social media networks, resulting in 200,000 followers on Facebook, 115,000 followers on Instagram, 44,000 followers on Twitter, 195,000 followers on Tumblr, 1.8 million followers on Google Plus, and developed PR strategies for photography and books, including construction of a contact list of relevant press targets in the US and UK, production of press releases, and development of pitch ► My two books NY Through the Lens and New York in the Snow were the result of a traditional book deal. Both were published and released worldwide in stores (Barnes and Noble, Target, Walmart, the Strand, Watersmiths, WH Smith, and a host of other well-known stores and indie outlets offline and online) in 2014 and 2017 via Ilex Press, an imprint of Hachette UK. ► NY Through The Lens was based on the writing and art featured in my blog of the same name which had grown in popularity over the span of three years. The book was featured in the Guardian, on the Weather Channel, in the NY Post, on Yahoo News, as well as across many other news outlets. ► New York in the Snow was the culmination of a passion project that involved 7 years of taking photographs in every snowstorm in New York City. The book was featured in the NY Times in December of 2017 and had a major book-signing in London, England in January of 2018 ► As a full-time Sony sponsored artist, my art was used in multiple national ad campaigns and I regularly collaborated with the Sony Digital Imaging, and Sony marketing teams ► Selected to speak on behalf of Sony at PhotoPlus Expo, the largest annual photography event in the United States and at WPPI, the largest annual portrait photography conference ► Ideated and executed exhibitions for gallery spaces and new media installations including a showing at the Park Avenue Armory and show at London's Somerset House during the Sony World Photography event ► Participated in a pop-up store event hosted by Wired Magazine in which Sony sponsored a photography gallery featuring black & white prints and 250 signed copies of NY Through the Lens were given to VIP guests ► Commissioned to write regular features for multiple entertainment and media partners representing the Sony brand Why am I looking for a full-time job with this background? 

I am looking towards a sustainable career future I can invest in. What I have loved the most about the last 10 years of my career has been working with various teams. I adore people and I excel in team environments. I also love structure. 

When I say I am looking for a creative home, I mean it. I have a very strong work ethic as is hopefully evident by the career I built from scratch. I am looking to apply that work ethic and my creative output and vision towards a full-time job.

What do I want?

Jobs and roles I have been going after: creative producer, art director, brand strategist, engagement manager, creative strategist, various marketing positions, various social media positions, creative lead I have mainly been looking at ad agencies, media (broadcast and streaming), and some marketing and PR agencies.

Icing on the cake:

To add to this, I am losing the lease to my apartment at the end of August. I have no safety nets which I know is hard for most people to imagine. I don't have family, I don't have a Prince/Princess Charming, it's just me and that's terrifying on tons of levels considering that I really want/need a full-time job right now to not only move on with my career/life but because of this time-frame.

Hope this helps some of you understand my plight. I have gotten tons of messages about this and wanted to answer all the questions generally.  --- Links for good measure: My LinkedIn

Portfolio

Instagram Twitter

[starrcrossrose]

Here's what DBZ has done for me in only the last year

(Mind you, I've only been dedicated to watching for about 2 years, but that makes the last year even more amazing bc of the short time span)

This will be sort of a long post. But if you like sappy stuff like me, then read along!

1. It made me draw more

I was hardly ever drawing since I started my full-time, adult job in phone retail bc my stress levels were high and my creativity low. But ever since really delving into the DBZ series, I'm constantly in a mood to draw something. (Bless you, Yuya Takahashi, my art brain short-circuited when I started the Majin Buu arc)

2. I made new friends

I have nothing against the friends I currently have. Hell, the ones I still DO have since high school are my ride-or-die's. But, to have the ability to make new friends (and not bc of them being coworkers that I spend nearly every day with) just off of something we all share a passion for? Amazing. I even have one new friend I text like, every day and she is the sweetest thing. And all because we bonded originally over our love for DBZ! I'm now part of a group chat of girl who love Vegeta (bc, come on, how can you not?) and have found so much amazing art and writing that I even bought my first fanzine and have been planning on meeting most of these guys/gals in person someday!

3. It made me stop caring what others think

Ok, maybe not completely. Life and human emotion is a little more complicated than that. But, as I've made these new friends and seen their passion and creativity for a fandom that has been kicking and screaming (literally) for like, 20+ years is so AWESOME. And in observing this, and as my own love for the show grew, I started branching into territory I had never ventured to before, creatively. I started doing fanart. I started writing fanfiction which is something I never thought I would be able to do. I even posted publicly to my lifelong friends and family (some of whom used to make fun of me for liking anime when I was a kid) that I just didnt care anymore. I wanted to like what I wanted to like, and to have fun, dammit. I may have always seen like the type of person to do or say or wear whatever, but my mind was always thinking of what others thought of me. I no longer want to, and I've been slowly really growing out of that self-consciousness for a while without me realizing it. All because I was so in love with the world and characters of a fiction that ppl grew up on.

4. It taught me to keep fighting for myself

Listen. In our shitstorm of a world as of late, my mind was a mess. I was constantly living in the past, constantly fighting back anxiety and stress in waves that were often debilitating. I even rode the roughest wave of depression in YEARS, to the point of wanting to give up on ever doing something arts related again. But, I was still watching DBZ, still delving into the story of characters I had grown to love, and it was the ONE really bright thing I cared about that wasnt my husband at the time. On top of all that, watching DBZ has been, not quite a distraction, but a coping mechanism for a good/bad/sick day throughout the entire year. It has made me want to grow as a person, to be someone better and stronger than the person I am today. I've always been headstrong in my dreams, but adulting really wanted to suck those things out of me for good. DBZ has made me realize there is a shared passion in a show so beloved, that it has opened multiple doors of conversation for me, even at work! (I have Vegeta on my phone case, lol)

5. DBZ has taught me to never give up

This is such a cliche, something a lot of people have said about this show. But, to reference back to the above points, I really did want to give up everything early this year. I wanted to quit my job, to move states, to be alone. I wanted to never write or draw again bc "I was never going to be good enough" (silly me) to be recognized. But, with the comfort and assurance of my husband (God bless him) and through the comfort of watching a show that filled me with joy, I grew. My husband and I sold our art at a local parsde and actually made a profit! (Small profit, but I was expecting to only break even, so I was very surprised.) My favorite character in the show ended up being Vegeta, which surprised no one who knows me, but for reasons that I've come to understand bc, at first, I didnt know why I liked him so much. But, I began to get it. A character like Vegeta, who is constantly being one-upped, constantly being viewed as 2nd best, constantly struggling and training to be better, was exactly how I felt. And sometimes, I still feel that way. The art world is incredible, but also cruel and overwhelming. It's easy to beat ourselves up, but much harder to push ourselves off the ground when random people like to kick artists while we're down. .But, I brushed myself off, got to my feet, and basically gave the middle-finger to the world and to myself for ever considering giving up. I would be stronger. I would be better, in every aspect of my passions and dreams, and I would NOT give up. I wanted to be like Vegeta who, through growth and reflection, took pride not only in who he was, but eventually, in his OWN strength.

In Short (lol):

DBZ has literally changed my life in such a short span of time. And I am forever grateful to my husband for finally sitting my ass down and making me watch it, and also to the fandom, who has been nothing but supportive and friendly in my short time here. Thank you, Akira Toriyama, and thank you Toei Animation. You've literally helped a person who needed to see a show like this one more than she ever thought she would.

[toabyssandbeyond]

Getting into witchcraft&witchery journal day #14:

personal notes but feel free to read

Tarot reading about my deities&descriptions of them afterwards:

So since last time I shared my thoughts here, I started my Grimoire and have built 3 altars for the three deities I worship... but seeing as our connection have changed drastically over the years I wanted to get to know them better. I decided to make a tarot spread (1st image), only that instead of asking randomly, I decided to ask each at their own turn.

note: if you’ve read my last entry about the deities I worship you’ll know that they aren’t known by others and are pretty much private, although they have parallels in other religions.

First was the deity I call Lady Fate. This is one I believed in since pre-school as this was my interpretation of god... An entity that pre-decides people’s destinies or at least the major milestones.

1. The entity: King of Swords

The King of Swords is a symbol of intellectual power and authority, and has the courage and intellect to accomplish all that he desires. He represents judgement, command, and rulership. His character indicates the stern leadership of a judge, lawyer, or military commander whose emotions must be kept in check under the pressure of battle.

(which you could or could not say fits a deity of fate/destiny...)

2. Their history: Page of Wands

The Page of Wands is similar to the Fool in that he is a free spirit who represents change and new beginnings. He has a true passion for life, despite his understanding of this world is not yet fully developed. He has not yet been weighed down by the burdens of the material world, coming and going as he pleases, and usually encouraging change wherever he goes. He is like the catalyst that inspires changes that might be impossible in any other situation.

3. Past Influences & experiences: Eight of Pentacles

The Eight of Pentacles is a card of apprenticeship and mastery. When this card appears in a Tarot reading, you are working hard to improve your skills and become a master at what you do. You may have recently changed your work, education or financial circumstances, and now you are applying your sheer determination and concentration to master the new skill that you are learning.

4. Personality, attitude & opinions: King of Swords (I mean... yeah it’s the same as the 1st question XD)

5. Their current status: Six of Wands

The Six of Wands is all about success, victory and public recognition. Not only have you succeeded in achieving your goals, you are now being publicly acknowledged for your efforts and your results.

6. Their health overall: Ten of Swords

The Ten of Swords usually symbolises a sudden and unexpected failure or disaster, whereby a power beyond your control crushes you without warning or mercy.

7. Their mental health: Death XIII

After a period of pause and reflection with the Hanged Man, the Death card symbolises the end of a major phase or aspect of your life that you realise is no longer serving you, opening up the possibility of something far more valuable and essential. You must close one door to open another.

8. What they like to do & have done for them: Page of Swords

This card shows you as a young and idealistic person, with lots of plans and ideas for the future. At this moment, you feel as though you could do almost anything. As a Page, you are just beginning to make your way in life, and it is important that you align with others who will not overwhelm you or stifle your direction and ideas. Instead, seek to align yourself with people who will nurture your ideas and will help you to manifest them in an organised manner. Choose a relationship that feels natural, with someone who will learn and grow along with you and give you a chance to develop your own personality and expression. You have an intelligent and sensitive nature, and you may suffer a lot if there is no outlet for your ideas and feelings.

(aw come on you’ll make me cry...)

9. Physical manifestation: Six of Cups

In the Six of Cups, a young boy leans down and passes a cup filled with flowers to a younger girl. The girl looks up to the boy with love and respect as he offers the flowers to her. Love, harmony and co-operation – all key elements of the Six of Cups – shine through this gentle act. The young children also represent childhood memories

The Six of Cups invites you to get in touch with your inner child and experience the fun, freedom and innocence that comes with being a young child again.

10. What to know: Ten of Pentacles

When the Ten of Pentacles appears in a Tarot reading, you are surrounded by wealth and are blessed with financial abundance. There is no ‘wanting’ any more – you have everything you need, especially within the material realm. You feel financially secure and trust that, as a result of your personal successes and accomplishments, you will always have what you need and desire. You express deep gratitude for fulfilling your material goals and dreams.

11. What to avoid: Ace of Swords

When the Ace of Swords appears in a Tarot reading, it is an excellent time to start a new project that needs your intellect, communication skills and mental power. You may be inspired to take a writing class, practice your public speaking skills, or get involved in activities that require more brain power than usual.

(so... I should avoid starting new projects?...)

12. Positive influences, friends or experiences: Six of Wands (yeah I guess this is the same question as no.5)

13. Negative influences, enemies or experiences: Three of Cups

The Three of Cups often indicates a very sociable period – perhaps a birthday, a wedding, the holiday season or a vacation with friends. See it as your opportunity to let your hair down and forget about your day-to-day commitments and obligations for a while. Instead, spend quality time with friends and family and enjoy yourself!

(so... bad influences in social situations? Or made enemies in social situations?... Not too sure...)

14. Conscious desires & thoughts: Ten of Cups

The Ten of Cups embodies happiness, joy, and emotional contentment, particularly in your relationships and family. You have created an abundance of love and happiness in your life, and you now share this love with others, expanding your heart even more.

15. Unconscious desires & thoughts: The Empress III

The Empress signifies abundance. You are surrounded by life’s pleasures and luxuries and have everything you need to live a comfortable lifestyle. You are in a period of growth, in which all you have dreamed of is now coming to fruition.

16. Hopes: Queen of Cups

The Queen of Cups is nurturing, caring, compassionate and sensitive. When you see her in a Tarot reading, you are embodying her ‘nurturing mother’ energy. You support others by listening with your heart, being compassionate, and caring for them deeply. You are empathic and can sense the needs of others by tuning in to your intuition, and you hold the space for others to express their emotions and be the truest, most authentic versions of themselves.

17. Fears: The Sun XIX

In the foreground, a young, naked child is sitting on top of a calm white horse. The child represents the joy of being connected with your inner spirit, and his nakedness is a sign he has nothing to hide and has all the innocence and purity of childhood. The white horse is also a sign of purity and strength. 

(”The child represents the joy of being connected with your inner spirit“... I really hope it doesn’t mean what I think it means...)

So, exactly as I’ve always imagined her, Lady Fate is generally a young deity who’ve worked hard to be at the status she is right now. She wants me to know that I’m not lacking anything and should take control of my life and surround myself by like-minded people... Her health and mental health have taken a hit, and all she wants and hopes for is to be in a place of joy and emotional contentment as well as to be feminine, and to be a nurturing mother... Her physical manifestation seems to be a child. Now I hope that this is not how it looks, but she seems to dislike me connecting with my “inner spirit”... more on that later.

(side note- my heart was pounding extremely hard the entire time I was doing this reading and once I finished it calmed down and now I’m freezing...)

Next is going to be a deity I call Luck. I guess the equivalent in other religions would be Karma, or even “Balance”. (You’ll notice that I frequently refer to Luck as “it” or “them”... somehow their gender was never established...)

1. The entity: King of Wands

The King of Wands represents pure fire energy. Unlike the other Wands court cards, he is not so interesting in actual creation and creativity, or in dreaming up ideas and implementing them himself. Instead, he is more inclined to take an idea and change the world to match his vision. As such he is a natural-born leader of all kinds of people, and he is very visionary.

(That’s... actually extremely fitting, especially when you remember how many people believe in karma... Also another part stated that it loves challenges and adrenaline which from my experience is 100% right...)

(note: fire energy)

2. Their history: Three of Swords

When the Three of Swords appears in a Tarot reading, it is sign that you are feeling deeply hurt and disappointed. Your heart has been pierced with these three swords, through others’ hurtful words, actions and intention, and they have inflicted intense emotions of pain, sadness, grief, and heartbreak. These events feel even more painful because they are often unexpected and come out of the blue.

3. Past Influences & experiences: King of Cups

The King of Cups embodies the perfect balance between the executive and the heart. Not only are you able to assess and manage a situation logically, but you can also draw upon your intuition and understanding of human interactions. As a leader, you care as much about achieving your goals and objectives as you do about making sure everyone is happy and engaged along the way.

(So balance between logic and feelings as well... hm okay.)

4. Personality, attitude & opinions: Death XIII

The Death card has elements of a sudden and unexpected change. Death happens to everyone, no matter who you are, how much money you have, where you live, or what colour your skin is; it is the same with a significant change. So, the Death card can be a sign you may feel as though you are caught in the path of sweeping change and cannot escape its effects.

(an unexpected deity that acts suddenly and without a warning, it doesn’t who or what you are, it’ll find you. That’s luck/karma for ya)

5. Their current status: The High Priestess II

The High Priestess signifies spiritual enlightenment, inner illumination, divine knowledge and wisdom. She shows up in your Tarot readings when the veil between you and the underworld is thin, and you have the opportunity to access the knowledge deep within your soul. Now is the time to be still so you can tune in to your intuition.

6. Their health overall: The Tower XVI

Just when you think you’re safe and comfortable, a Tower moment hits and throws you for a loop. A lightning bolt of clarity and insight cuts through the lies and illusions you have been telling yourself, and now the truth comes to light. Your world may come crashing down before you, in ways you could never have imagined as you realise that you have been building your life on unstable foundations – false assumptions, mistruths, illusions, blatant lies, and so on.

7. Their mental health: The Star XVII

The Star brings renewed hope and faith, and a sense that you are truly blessed by the Universe. You are entering a peaceful, loving phase in your life, filled with calm energy, mental stability and more in-depth understanding of both yourself and others around you. This is a time of significant personal growth and development as you are now ready to receive the many blessings of the Universe.

8. What they like to do & have done for them: The Star XVII

(... likes others doing what they have been doing? Have hope and faith.)

9. Physical manifestation: Four of Cups

Sometimes this card brings the message, ‘Not now, but maybe later.’ While the man in the Four of Cups doesn’t accept the cups offered to him, he doesn’t wholly reject them either. You may be waiting for a sign or further information before taking an invitation or new project. Check in emotionally and spiritually before you say ‘yes’, to make sure the opportunity is a good fit and that you can commit to it in the long-term.

10. What to know: The Chariot VII

Now isn’t the time to be passive in the hope that things will work out in your favour. Take focused action and stick to the course, no matter what challenges may come your way – because, believe me, there will be challenges. You may be pulled in opposite directions and find your strength and conviction tested. Others may try to block you, distract you, or drag down the pursuit of your goal.

11. What to avoid: The Devil XV

The Devil card often appears when you have been tricked into thinking you have no control over your shadow self or these negative forces, and that you can never break free from their hold.

12. Positive influences, friends or experiences: Four of Wands

With the Four of Wands, it is the perfect time to get together with your family and friends and to celebrate all the wonderful times that you have had together. Often, this card reflects the holiday period where you get together with the extended family and join in a celebration. Alternatively, it may be as simple as inviting your closest friends over for an intimate dinner and a few glasses of nice wine.

13. Negative influences, enemies or experiences: Page of Wands

(... this is the same that I got for Fate’s history... Do they have a bad history with each other?)

14. Conscious desires & thoughts: Nine of Wands

The Nine of Wands is like the one last test or challenge before you can reach ultimate success. You feel as if you have come to the end of your fighting powers but you have the skill and determination in reserve. You are in a position of strength and by drawing upon all of your courage and abilities, you will prevail. Once the last obstacle is overcome, you are home free.

15. Unconscious desires & thoughts: Ten of Swords

The Ten of Swords usually symbolises a sudden and unexpected failure or disaster, whereby a power beyond your control crushes you without warning or mercy.

(same as Fate’s current overall health... did they want that to happen?)

16. Hopes: Two of Swords

The Two of Swords indicates that you are facing a challenging decision but you are unclear about which option to take. Both options may seem equally as good – or as bad – as each other, and you are stumped about which option will lead you to the best outcomes.

17. Fears: Six of Swords

The Six of Swords invites you to let go of whatever it is that is holding you back, be it from your past or your present circumstances. Instead look to your future and choose the best option that is most in alignment with your Highest Good and long-term potential.

So... this was interesting. Luck is a leader, knowledgeable, who likes challenges. It has been deeply disappointed/hurt but is now learning to have hope and trust in the future, and it wants others to do the same and take action. It seems to have a bad past with Fate and could even be involved in the reason of her current health. They appear as a man who’s given an opportunity (it’s also what they hope for) but doesn’t take it yet, as their fears are of moving forwards and letting go of what is holding them back.

(note- been cold the entire time of doing this reading, finished and now it’s super hot in here...??)

Next and last deity is my guardian angel, he’s been the easiest to communicate with since he appeared (when I was 15) but it doesn’t look like he wants me to communicate with other deities... And that’s why I want to do this reading, maybe he’ll explain me what is going on this way... (I’m keeping his name off tumblr intentionally)

1. The entity: Page of Cups

As each Page asks you to explore a new facet of yourself, the Page of Cups is asking you to explore your creative, emotional self. You may start a new art class, read books about how to express your feelings, or learn more about developing your psychic abilities. Dreamy aspirations race through your mind, and you may find yourself moved by simple things. Don’t be afraid to let your feelings show and wear your heart on your sleeve.

(well, out of the three he is the one I generally consider as a part of my being. That and also I’ve became a lot more creative and my psychic abilities developed a lot since he appeared...)

2. Their history: Queen of Cups

The Queen of Cups says you are highly intuitive, creative, and in flow with the surrounding energies. In your interactions with others, you can easily read other people to get a sense of how to communicate effectively, enabling you both to feel heard and understood. Others may come to you to confide their personal issues regarding relationships, emotions and feelings. They trust you and know that you always have the right solution. You can instantly tune in to what others are going through and can help them make sense of it. You may be a healer, counsellor or intuitive coach; or maybe just a good friend. You recognise the Divine in everyone you meet.

(also the card I got for what Fate hopes for...)

3. Past Influences & experiences: The Emperor IV

As the father figure of the Tarot deck, the Emperor suggests that you are adopting this fatherly role (regardless of whether you are male or female), providing for your family, and protecting and defending your loved ones. You may be the breadwinner or the ‘rock’ for those who rely on your stability and security.

4. Personality, attitude & opinions: Six of Cups

The Six of Cups invites you to get in touch with your inner child and experience the fun, freedom and innocence that comes with being a young child again.

(was also Fate’s physical manifestation hmmm...)

5. Their current status: Six of Swords

The Six of Swords indicates that you are in a state of transition, leaving behind what was familiar and comfortable and moving towards the unknown. You might be moving house, leaving a relationship, changing jobs, going through a rite of passage or feeling a mental shift of some kind. This change may be as a result of your doing, or forced upon you. You may feel sad and upset to leave behind what is so familiar to you, however you know that this move is essential for your growth and personal development.

(also what luck is afraid of)

6. Their health overall: Queen of Wands

The Queen of Wands is the dominant feminine energy of the element of Fire. She is highly energetic and leads a busy and active life. She radiates health and vitality and has an inner vibrancy that fills her with ongoing energy and inspiration. This Queen is a natural-born, intelligent leader who actively inspires others.

(note: Also fire element, like luck.)

7. Their mental health: The Hanged Man XII

When the Hanged Man appears in a Tarot reading, your projects and activities may be coming to an unexpected and abrupt halt. Don’t keep pushing forward, hoping that more force will drive you to where you want to go. Instead, surrender to the opportunity to pause and view it as your chance to reassess and re-evaluate where you are on your path.

8. What they like to do & have done for them: Nine of Wands

You may have experienced setbacks that now leave you feeling distrustful of others or even yourself. The turning point will come when you are able to leave the past behind you and to cultivate a more open mind about the future. While you have experienced losses in the past, it does not mean that you have to experience further losses in the future. Turn a new leaf and push on.

(Also Luck’s desire)

9. Physical manifestation: The Hermit IX

The Hermit stands alone on the top of a mountain. The snow-capped range symbolises his spiritual mastery, growth and accomplishment. He has chosen this path of self-discovery and, as a result, has reached a heightened state of awareness.

(more or less how I envision him as it is...)

10. What to know: Ten of Wands

The Tens in Tarot represent the completion of a cycle, and thus with the Ten of Wands, you have reached the end of a cycle after a period of struggle. You are finally reaping your rewards after investing a lot of hard work and effort. You have fulfilled a creative venture, realised a dream or accomplished a major goal, and now must deal with the consequences of that fulfilment.

This card can also mean that you are being oppressed by outside sources. You are over-worked, over-tired and over-stimulated. You have more on your plate than you can possibly handle and you have taken on too much at this point in time. In an effort to get to the finish line, you have found yourself overwhelmed with the extra responsibility and activity. You need to stop working so hard.

11. What to avoid: Justice XI

The Justice card represents justice, fairness, truth and the law. You are being called to account for your actions and will be judged accordingly. If you have acted in alignment with your Higher Self and for the greater good of others, you have nothing to worry about. However, if you haven’t, you will be called out and made to own up to your actions. If this has you shaking in your boots, know that the Justice card isn’t as black and white as you may think. A level of compassion and understanding accompany Justice, and although you may have done something you regret, this card suggests that you will be treated fairly and without bias. Be ready to take responsibility for your actions and stand accountable for the ensuing consequences.

12. Positive influences, friends or experiences: Six of Wands

The Six of Wands is such positive encouragement to believe in who you are and your accomplishments so far. Have faith in what you have personally achieved and how this will be received by others. Do not let fear or guilt stand in the way of your success. You ought to feel proud of what you have achieved and not afraid to hold your head up high and feel worthy of others’ attention.

13. Negative influences, enemies or experiences: Knight of Cups

When it comes to making decisions, the Knight of Cups is ruled by his emotions and his heart. When this card arrives in a Tarot reading, you are making decisions based on how you feel about a situation rather than what you think, even if others can’t make sense of what you are doing and why, and your intuition guides you in everything you do.

(which is interesting... because that’s the card I usually get as my representation...)

14. Conscious desires & thoughts: Six of Cups

(same as personality, attitude & opinions. Also Fate’s physical manifestation.)

15. Unconscious desires & thoughts: Seven of Cups

Often, the Seven of Cups can be a sign of wishful thinking and projecting into the future about what you would like to create, rather than taking action here in the present to make it happen.

16. Hopes: Temperance XIV

This card calls on you to remain calm, even when life feels stressful or frantic. Maintain an even temperament and manage your emotions. You have learned to keep composed in stressful situations.

17. Fears:  Eight of Wands

This card is a sign to ‘strike while the iron is hot’. It is most definitely an action-oriented card that encourages you to move quickly to pursue the best opportunities available right now. There is no waiting around while the Eight of Wands is present so determine where your energy will be directed and get on with it!

Honestly? I feel like I already knew all of these. My guardian angel is one that wants peace, is very wishful in his thinking but doesn’t want to take action. He wants me to be creative and keep that childish hope alive but also there’s a possibility that knowing me is a bad experience for him(?). His origin seems to have something to do with Lady Fate, and it looks like originally they had the same desires/goals. His mental health seems to be “on halt” and I also noticed it lately, but his overall health is pretty good. He wants me/us to avoid justice, to not be put to curt... I can only imagine that it’s because I believe in “personal” deities, we’ve been worried for a while how other, stronger deities, would react to that... and now I know- he’s mentioned in both Fate’s and Luck’s fears- “connecting with my inner spirit” in Fate’s and mentioning his status in Luck’s. 

My deities don’t get along. Great. -_-

Also my zodiac, palm, only crystal, and two deities are of fire energies...

Oh and I had to promise Luck that I’ll be productive tomorrow so that it’ll answer me... oh boy.

[sneek-m]

Billie Idle “Not Idol” Interview

Billie Idle was recently interviewed by Natalie about their new album, Not Idol, and its new life as a five-member group after the addition of Pour Lui. The details about those two topics are certainly enlightening, but I think it’s an even better piece of media to introduce the people who make up the group. They all answer so much in line with the personality they put forth publicly as idols, and their back and forth comes across as interactions between long friends. What I loved best is how they define Billie Idle as this group that has a much looser, freer structure as an idol group than any other. They seem to have taken that for granted until now.

I loved the interview as a Billie Idle fan so I translated it for any other Billie Idle fan who can’t read Japanese to enjoy too. If anything needs editing, let me know!

Billie Idle Had to Change

Natalie: I went to go see your show at UNIT in May, and when the surprise addition of Pour Lui was announced, I thought I saw mixed feelings from Uika-san’s expression. There was probably some pride in you about pulling up Billie Idle and building it from the ground up, so I wanted to know how you really felt.

First Summer Uika: There were 4 months between hearing that Pour Lui was going to join and the official announcement, so my feelings were settled. Billie Idle had to change, and Pour Lui had to change. If not, there was a possibility Billie Idle would have been like oil and water, just splitting apart. I thought it would be more fun to take the stance of “let’s try something new” rather than be stubborn and try to protect what we already had. If you’re in a group for 3 years, there are some parts that become routine, and I thought the fans would be happier if we showed them something new.

But you didn’t want to continue along with the Billie Idle you built with the four of you up until Last Album?

Uika: First of all, was I really building the group? [laughs] If you think about it, after old BiS broke up, me and Non-chan (Hirano Nozomi), who both didn’t have a set path on what do next, got invited by Nigo-san to start Billie Idle. Then, some things happened along the way, and we kind of ended up with the four of us. From there, with Pour Lui of BiS joining, Billie Idle settled as a four-person group would obviously be done, and I think it has always been this kind of term for this group.

Doesn’t Pour Lui joining the group feel like a former superior at your work who quit some years ago joining you as your equal at your new job? I feel that kind of a situation would be tough.

Uika: Maybe because I was in BiS for about a year and a half, and I’ve been Billie Idle longer for a long 3 years, but I was able to have the perspective of a director. Why did Nigo-san as the producer want to include Pour Lui? I was thinking about things like that.

Pour Lui: Also, we don’t have a senpai-kouhai relationship. When we were in BiS, we had a rough relationship as members, and we still met up with each after the group split. If we didn’t have that and I just suddenly joined, I think they would’ve been like, “...huh?” [laughs]

Uika: I also record videos with Pour Lui and Non-chan for BYS, so I feel like we are the together as the three of us in a more creative environment than before.

Around the time Billie Idle was going to have a fifth member, how did you feel, Hirano-san?

Hirano Nozomi: I thought Billie Idle as a whole was going to end before Last Album, so I was wondering what to do after being thrown in the world at this age.

Uika: So you were worried about getting a job. [laughs]

What did you think about Pour Lui-san joining?

Nozomi: I was surprised. I thought anything would happen but that. I met Lui-chan when I was 18, so I feel like we both aged quite a bit. [laughs]

The Wide Possibilities of “Not Idol”

Do you think anything changed with the Momose-Akira sisters from working together with Pour Lui-san?

Momose Momo: I think we were able to see our goals more clearly. We started to discuss together about what we want to accomplish after Pour Lui-san joining. Right now, we are doing what we have to do to accomplish our goals one thing at time.

Uika: The staff in charge of Billie Idle also didn’t really give us clear, solid directions like how many CDs we have to sell or let’s play at this venue. I think Nigo-san too had a goal he wanted to hit. We were able to be involved in those thoughts and ideas, and now we’re headed towards that goal as one whole team. We were able to see how we move after three years, and we got more people joining us. I do also feel like the staff want to chase the top.

Pour Lui: We have a clear goal, but we’re don’t feel desperate, in a good way.

Uika: Right, right. Not like kicking off other groups to get to the top, but I just want others around us to fail. [laugh]

Pour Lui: That way, everyone can start to realize, “hey, Billie Idle is great!”

Uika: We’re the turtle in Turtle and the Hare. We’re slowly walking forward and gaining experience.

Pour Lui: When I returned to the world of idols with BiS in 2016, I felt the short lifespan of girl idols. The period when idols can shine the most is about 22, 23, and now, even if I share cute pictures of myself, I can’t compete with young girls. But age doesn’t really matter for Billie Idle. If I wanted to show off my cute side, I wouldn’t step out on stage in a T-shirt and jeans either.

It’s truly in line with the “not idol” theme you started out with.

Uika: Really, we have to move forward like the hare, but there are parts where we’re laid back. Though, we do get asked, “shouldn’t you be a bit more desperate?”

Pour Lui: Billie Idle feels like a group that already got over that sort of competition. We slowly climbed over the mountain, so I feel like we can keep on with this pace even if we’re 35. [laughs] Though, I do also feel like we have to get to the top, so now’s the time to get serious.  We’re speed-walking, should I say?

Uika: We’re talking about age lightly right now, but actually, there are things that come my way that really concern me. And who supports me through that are the Momose sisters! There’s a relationship between them as sisters that won’t budge no matter what, so I think it deepens the meaning of “not idol.”

I Think I Now Know What It Means to Grow

It has been almost two years since Akira-san joined, but do you find it tough to be in a group with your sister?

Akira: It’s easy for me!

Momose: It’s easy for me too!

Pour Lui: These two are so funny. And they’re cute.

Akira: I think it’s wonderful to share moments as family while gaining many different experiences through our work.

Momose: We make more memories, and we get to be closer.

Akira: If I just lived a normal life, I don’t think I would’ve ever visited Hokkaido or Okinawa, so it also feels like a field trip.

Pour Lui: Hey, hey, tour isn’t a family vacation!

What was something that stuck out to you touring with five members for the first time?

Uika: Pour Lui looked like she was having a lot of fun. I haven’t seen her have fun too much. [laugh] She has said, “that was fun” in the past but it was more interesting than fun.

Pour Lui: We’re all adults, so Nigo-san tells us to do what we want, so it’s fun. I never understood it when, my time with BiS included, members would say “I feel like I’ve grown.” I wondered, what grew in them? But after doing this for 8 years, I think I finally know what that means.

Uika: That just means Pour Lui has been in the front pulling the rest with her for that long.

For Hirano-san who has known Pour Lui-san the longest, do you feel like her position or anything else has changed?

Nozomi: Since Lui-chan came, she taught us how to mark our spots on stage.

Uika: Hey! Are you dissing me for not using that this whole time?

Nozomi: No, no! We just didn’t really have to use it before.

Pour Lui: I only learned it during BiS’s farewell show in Yokohama, and then kind of figured it out when I was in my band. [laughs]

Lyricists Billie Idle Explain Their Songs

You just finished your first album with the five of you. The album has songs written by each one of you, but what theme did each of you have in mind when you were writing the lyrics?

Uika: I have three songs in the album, but the lyrics all have a rock feel to them. For the first song, “Run3,” I decided to make it something comical with a sense of story while also thinking about the staging. It’s about the bittersweet feeling of love, I guess you can say, with this naive middle-school boy as the main character. The next song, “Everydays,” when I first heard the demo, I thought I could do a J-pop style and wrote lyrics for a cheer-up song with some kind of message. I thought there hasn’t ever been a Billie Idle song in the past that helps push the listeners. [laughs] It’s not something I should say myself, but I thought it should be a song that helps push a lot of different people.

You also wrote the last song, “Message,” on the album.

Uika: The eighth song, “Message,” I aimed for it to be a title song for an anime. I thought it would be great to have a spot in an anime as our next step forward, so I put in a vague message. [laughs]

Seems like Uika-san isn’t the type to pour your own feelings into lyrics.

Pour Lui: I haven’t seen a song with Uika as the main character. I’ve been with her for a long time, but her true self is the biggest mystery.

Uika: But really, I wrote “P.S.R.I.P.” while looking at Pour Lui, and it turned out be a song with lyrics as if I predicted her joining the group. Last Album does also have songs based around my own experiences, and I guess I exhausted all my emotional parts on that album. This time, you can feel the emotional parts of Billie Idle from the songs that the four wrote. And I think the third song, “Doki2,” that Akira wrote is also Billie Idle-ish.

Akira: Recently, it’s been so fun. I’m not kidding, I really do feel excited. [laughs]

Uika: It’s not a metaphor?

Pour Lui: If that’s the case, I’d actually be concerned about her body. [laughs]

Akira: The simple fact that being alive is exciting, I wrote that feeling into my lyrics. There are times when I hate being alive, or people around me are saying all sorts of things, but I think it’s best to think simply during those times. Each person has their own opinions and feelings, so it can’t be wrapped up with just one view. If your views don’t agree with others, I thought you should first take care of your own views.

Uika: That’s something Jaian would say. [laughs]

Akira: But I think you first have to affirm yourself, or you can’t hear out others around you. I can’t put it to words very well, but the bottom line is, everyone is going to die in the end, right? So I wrote the lyrics with a thought that that’s more of a reason for everyone to take care of their own feelings.

Akira-san’s own feelings are definitely in the lyrics then. And Pour Lui-san wrote the lyrics for two songs.

Pour Lui: I wrote “Cinderella Anthem” and “Bye Bye Loneliness,” but it turned out to be the opposite of Ui-pon with the point of view being about me. When I first heard the demo for “Cinderella Anthem,” I had this image of the club on my mind because it was a dance song, but I’ve never been to a club so I couldn’t write it from that perspective. [laugh] I was able to write from the world of Cinderella, so I thought about how it might feel if I was Cinderella.

So it comes from the perspective of Pour Lui as Cinderella.

Pour Lui: Yeah. There are some annoying feelings that comes across through the lyrics, but the way she flirts is like me. I live my life being attached to men so.

...And how about “Bye Bye Loneliness”?

Pour Lui: So you’re gonna skip that part? [laughs]

The members aren’t disagreeing, so I figured it's probably true. [laughs] But other women might relate with you.

Pour Lui: People who relate with me with that probably are a lot of girls who are a lot to handle. [laughs] For “Bye Bye Loneliness,” it turned out to be a sad thing where I sang about being unhappy about the current state of the idol world, but then I realized it was about me.

Uika: Kind of like Dayu Koume? [laughs] “I tried writing about idols of today but it turned out to be about me! Damn it!”

Everyone: [laughs]

Momose-san wrote “Tanchou Na Elegy.”

Momose: I tried to match the China-like music, and I wrote lyrics about wanting to escape. I’m the type to write about myself when writing lyrics too, but from experiencing dark and bright moments in Billie Idle for 4 years, I think you can relate with parts about how everyone has something they’re not showing. I thought I could fit in a lot of words, and I wrote with this feeling of release.

There are certainly a lot of words. Are you good at writing lyrics?

Momose: I can’t really write lyrics. I turned in three songs-worth of lyrics, but my manager told me “they’re all about the same thing.” [laughs]

Uika: Maybe that’s the only thing you wanted to say. [laughs] But there are parts where it sounds like she’s writing about the flip side to Akira-ty’s song, and there’s a contrasting part about them as sisters that’s pretty fun to hear.

“Under the Sun” that Hirano-san wrote for is a metal song and it leaves a strong impact.

Nozomi: At first, the phrase “chi no soko (bottom of the earth)” popped in my head, and it wouldn’t leave my mind.

Pour Lui: That doesn’t sound good. [laughs]

Nozomi: I really wanted to say chi no soko, but it wouldn’t fit music-wise, so I went with jigoku (hell). I can’t write happy lyrics. Even with older songs, if it didn’t have a solid concept, they would be all dark.

Uika: That’s unfortunate because recent stuff from you like “Pet” and “Youki No Beach Side” sounded happy.

Pour Lui: It’s because she had to work with me. [laughs]

Nozomi: There definitely was a feeling that it couldn’t end like this after moving to Tokyo.

From Now On, It’s Billie Idle’s Turn

At the August show at UNIT in Tokyo, Uika said “from now on, it’s Billie Idle’s turn” during her MC section. Can you clarify what you meant by that?

Uika: There hasn’t been a moment where Billie Idle was on the offense. From the music industry to the idol industry, other people really push so they can succeed, right? There are times I think we take an offensive approach, but it has felt like “we’re passing on this one” for the most part, and we were watching our surroundings from the side. But I wanted to let them know now it’s our turn. It’s our time to attack with all our calling cards that we’ve accumulated.

Pour Lui: Billie Idle only has offensive cards left in our hands, so if this was a card game, I think we would have an insane deck. To defend ourselves from attacks, we have to keep attacking. [laughs]

Uika: And it’s up to whether or not we can keep attacking. [laughs]

Pour Lui: Before I got in, Billie Idle has never done 15 in-store events in a row or have been on a bill with another band. Our position has been changing now, and I think that also goes with it being “Billie Idle’s turn.”

Uika: I have it sorted out in my head, but we haven’t had a fight that takes up so many rounds, so I’m going into this slowly by training little by little while trying out new things as the five of us.

From here is Billie Idle’s time to attack.

Uika: Finally our turn is here! Be ready!

[vivareverie]

"So, what now?"

That's a question I've had stuck on my mind for at least the past month or so now, regarding the state of my content production and my life as a YouTuber. It's a question that I've somewhat avoided asking myself for the past year, because I somewhat naively thought "Hey, everything'll just work out". Needless to say, that isn't the case, so here I am asking myself this question now.

Before I go any further I'd like to quickly clarify something: This isn't a depression thing. It might sound like a depression thing by the way I'm writing or the overall tone of this post, but I currently have zero mental health issues and require no sympathy in that area. All this is is an introspective look at my state of affairs, looking at what I did wrong attempting to grow my channel, and where to go next.

So, let's start from the start: My channel's success was lightning in a bottle. "Surprise! Your video has gone viral!" Starting with super short meme-y pony toy videos. Well... Admittedly that was at least a few years into my "career" at that point, but all my content before then just silly "Early-teen goofing around"-type videos, once I suddenly actually had an audience to make videos for, I obviously wanted to keep going. What's important about this "Era" is that I had a theme going on. I was the "Pony toy video guy", that was where my initial audience came from, watching my ~10 second long meme-y videos for a short giggle. These videos were very short, very easy to make, and had an audience... So, why did I stop?

Three big reasons: One, money. To make videos making fun of silly pony merch, I had to buy the merch, and, to put things into perspective, that Celestia toy alone was $50. Imagine that but for every single toy in every single video and it adds up quick. The good news is that I liked collecting them, and I had the money, but that was quickly running dry. You might ask "Well, couldn't you reuse toys?", and I did a bit, however...

Two, I hated reusing jokes, and still do to this day. Even back then I'd felt I used the "Celestia toy hits thing" joke 2-3 too many times. I suppose I'd somewhat considered it a running joke- but without putting a twist on it, it was just the same thing happening over and over again. Although "toy abuse" wasn't the entirety of my content back then- I did still try to be creative about it- but nonetheless I kinda felt that well drying up. Plus, finally, there's reason three, and this one is probably a bit obvious...

Three, I wanted to try out animation. It's history time: The reason why even my earlier pony animations looked at least half-decent was because I already knew ahead of time how to use Flash, the program used to animate MLP. This was because I used Flash to learn how to make terrible bodged-together video games, some of which are still online over on Newgrounds and Kongregate (And no, I won't be linking them (Maybe at a later date)), those games, although they were pretty terrible, did inadvertently teach me how to use an animation program, meaning that, when my YouTube channel kinda blew up, I suddenly had an entire genre of media to create with at my disposal.

Thus started "Phase two" of viv, the "Short goofy animation" phase. At the time I didn't think I was gonna ditch the toy video stuff, but after a short while I felt... More satisfied with my animation work. It took me a while to nail down why, but in the end I felt like I was "Undeserving" of the amount of attention I got from my toy content, and felt as if I had to "Earn" the amount of followers I was getting. My toy videos were recorded with terrible audio, a bad camera, very little care for lighting (One video in particular's punchline was ruined because I didn't think about lighting, "Applejack Wins" I believe was the name of that one), however my animations, with the exception of a couple of my early ones having framerate issues, were very "Clean" and felt polished, something I definitely couldn't say about the majority of my toy videos.

Likewise, my standards went up, and they went up fast. I did start off making more silly goofy short stuff, but I kept setting borders for myself making content more difficult to pump out. I wanted to make music videos, but I eventually said I didn't want to make them using pre-established "stuff you could buy on itunes" tracks, worried about potential copyright ramifications. A lot of my short videos were based on clips of songs, and I stopped doing those for the same reason. This was also a very similar (Albeit technically very different) reason why I stopped using show-style puppets, and although I technically could've continued animating show-style if I wanted, my standards had gotten higher still, and I wanted to start making animations using my own "Design" of puppets. Those are the horses you see in the banner of my Patreon page, the doofy ones with the fat noses. This starts what I'd call "Phase three" of viv.

...However, where I went, the majority of fans did not follow.

My earlier content was easy to digest, easy to share around, and easy to click on. Short doofy meme videos. Phase three of viv however- Although the content I was making was finally meeting my stupid standards, it ran into two problems. One, content production got slooooow. The entirety of the first couple of "phase three" years feels like I'd gotten nothing done, despite the, well, "Objectively better" quality videos coming out. I can count how many vivshorts I have on three hands, which is... Not a lot. It's good, and all of them are great, don't get me wrong, but throughout this entire "essay" I've been leaving out one giant big huge factor regarding my content: YouTube itself.

I'm sure you've heard this a million times before, but in case you haven't: YouTube does not promote channels that don't post often. The system likes channels that make long videos, and they like them posted every day.  This is... The complete opposite of the state of my channel, however. Especially these days, where my projects get larger, and the gaps between videos get longer. Unfortunately, the amount of production put into videos does not necessarily translate to views- Or at least not anywhere near the amount it does compared to my older videos.

I did make an attempt to make my channel more active with my Vivcast series, but, although that series has its fans (And I love you all much and you know who you are), I feel like all that did is hurt me during phase three viv. It littered my channel with videos that only a very niche audience would appreciate, and meant that newcomers would have difficulties finding the videos my channel was centered around when visiting my channel, which is, you know... A bad thing. All my Vivcast videos are now unlisted on my channel, but the playlist is still publicly available for those who still want to see them.

The second big reason why I got a huge dropoff of viewers from phase three viv was the change in style, or, more specifically, the lack of using MLP characters at all. I stopped being part of the trend, and went and did my own thing. It gave me more creative freedom, but it was less "Immediately appealing". It's far easier to click on "Rainbow Dash is Excited" than it is "The Second Day of Chrasmas". I've created a bubble of content that only those inside the bubble can enjoy, and this bubble is already inside the bubble of MLP itself, which, as much as I wish it wasn't so, has a huge huge huge stigma around it that to this day has never dwindled. Despite my content being less about the ponies themselves and more about the comedy or the writing or the animation, just the vague connection to MLP is a huge turnoff for potential new viewers who although might not care for MLP might still enjoy the content I may put out.

So, due to this, I have a dwindling viewerbase both because I'm not directly using MLP characters (Meaning the general MLP fans are turned off from my content) and also because I'm using pony characters in the first place (Meaning the non-brony side of the internet won't be looking at my content in the first place). I've inadvertently created a niche inside of a niche because I became complacent. I thought "Hey, if I make videos, the viewers will come, as they always have been", and that was true a few years ago, but I've diverted the train far far off course and not many people still want to stay on the ride.

...Okay, I should mention, no, 10k views per video is not bad in any way. That's really really good and many many many youtubers wish they got a fraction of the viewerbase I got, but it's all relative. In my case, I'd steered my life towards "Hey, I got a good following going, if I grow my following enough I'll be able to make YouTube videos for a living! That'll be super cool!" And that was okay for a long while, while I was "Doing the motions", while I was at college, while I was at university, while I was looking for a job and not finding any for... The entirety of 2017. That's a long time, that's, like, 4+ years at least. But, that whole time, it was fine. I was in no rush, I was in no hurry, no real problems, I'd gotten a little lazy and my content slowed down for it, but I didn't necessarily need the money so I wasn't churning out garbage 24/7 just to make sure I hit a threshold. I thought to myself "Hey, I'll think of something, eventually. 10k views per video isn't enough to make a living off of, but I'll make something that'll go viral again, eventually. It'll be fine."

However, that changed this January.

My new years resolution was to go back to making monthly videos. The Second Day of Chrasmas I made relatively quickly and I'd totally be up for keeping that going, I thought. But my free time was suddenly whisked away, and I was suddenly told I'd be "Working for the dole" for half the week, every week, for at least the next 6 months, or until somebody finally decides to hire me. If that's French to you, essentially that means that, in order to get the money I'm literally living off of, I'm now forced to spend ~15 hours every week doing tiring sweaty exhausting labour work, getting pricked, scratched, sunburned, and bitten, on top of the obligation I already had regarding finding work with the job employment agency I'm hooked up with, oh, and that's not even mentioning that I'm not earning any more doing this work than I was earning the entirety of 2017. essentially meaning that all the free time I'd grown complacent with the past year is now gone in the blink of an eye, and I'm getting nothing out of it.

...So I thought "Okay, 2018 will be the year I finally set my channel back on the right track." Suddenly that's something I can't do. I can't make videos that bring the views back when I literally don't have the time nor energy to make those videos in the first place. The past January shows it, I forgot to make the post-January update Patreon post because of how quickly the month passed by for me. My complacency led me down this track and now I'm paying the price for it.

Okay... So... What now?

This was the question I asked at the start of this post, and what you just read is my story leading up to this question. I don't know if I have the right answer to that question, but I have a few proposals.

One: Cut my ties with pony content entirely. This is a route I'd been intentionally avoiding because I didn't want to be one of "Those guys". You know, the "I'm grown up and more mature now, and therefore I cannot like or associate with pony anymore". That... In itself, I'd personally say is an extremely immature sentiment, cutting ties with who you once were is like denying part of your life existed. Likewise, if this were the route I'd take, I would never deny my association with MLP... However, I would be changing all my branding and future content to not be MLP related, and move into, say, video games stuff instead. That way I can tap into a very large audience of people that didn't exist within my bubble within my bubble. I may be able to grab that "Lightning in a bottle" once more... I wouldn't stop doing Bronies Reacts, though.

Two: ...Keep going. This is the significantly more risky route, but I still have unfinished business in pony content. The two big ones are Trigger Happy Horses and Brony Polka Animated, Trigger Happy Horses being very very well loved and a project I would be very happy to continue if I had the money and time, and Brony Polka Animated being a project I teased... Ah jeez, two years ago. Both projects would require at least several months straight of work to finish/continue, meaning no other content on my channel (Outside of stuff that maybe I could hire other people to edit (Which would imply I had the money to do so, which, I don't)), meaning it'd be super unlikely my channel would grow in any way from it. I'd still be inside my niche of a niche, that double-layered bubble. But... Maybe people would come back if they saw these projects as finished projects? I don't know, and I have no way of knowing- But I expect that may unfortunately not be the case.

Three: Do both... Kinda. Perhaps I could begin by doing new stuff that appeals to a larger audience and completely ignoring those huge projects on my backlog until I've reached a point of equilibrium- And then return to them once I've maintained a stability on my channel. Albeit, that implies I get to that point in the first place, I may be trying to throw darts at this invisible dart board for the rest of my life, meaning those projects go entirely unfinished forever...

...At the end of the day, if I want to keep doing YouTube, I'll want to be earning enough off of it to make it viable. This means consistent revenue, every month, every year. I'm getting a very nice fraction of that off of Patreon right now, and I thank all my patrons wholeheartedly for it, but... I need at the very least quadruple the amount I'm currently earning to get back to even attempting YouTube full time. Single time pledges won't really help either, I either need four times the amount of patrons I have or at least ten times the amount of views on my future videos, and consistently.

This revamp needs to happen. With it I'll be revamping the structure of my Patreon page before the end of the month, including probably removing the $10 and $30 pledge options... Which I feel like is kind of a terrible move because it's the last foothold I really have, I'll be cutting my revenue in half with that move alone, but I don't feel comfortable being pledged those amounts when the content I'm putting out is minimal at best, and entirely against what you were asking for at worst. Although I believe there is an option to pledge a higher amount than the given pledge amount, no rewards come with that, and nobody is obligated to do that for me.

Will this post do anything about my situation? Deep down I kinda hope it will, but really... I don't expect it to, and I've accepted that. You gotta deal with what life gives you, and when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. That term is thrown around so much it sounds like white noise so I'll turn it into a metaphor that actually means something: If you're given shit, make something out of it. Well, I've been given shit, so here I am figuring out what to sculpt it into.

It's midnight where I live now, so I'll be going to sleep. When I wake up I hope to have the answer to my question.

Good night.

- Viva

[septembercfawkes]

Giveaway--10-page Edit + 5th Blog Birthday!

This week is a special week, because my blog turns five years old. Five!

What's funny is that a year prior to starting this blog, I hated blogs.

I felt that they were egocentric, often a poor use of time, and that most of them would fade out in a matter of years. I mean, I really never thought that I would want to start one. Sure, I thought about it, because I wanted to work in the writing industry and 6+ years ago, they were all the craze--I actually jumped on the bandwagon pretty late.

But something happened about six years ago. A desire fell over me to start a blog. I managed to resist the desire for almost a whole year, but in the end, I gave in. And I'm so glad I did.

To quote Dumbledore:

"Which goes to show that the best of us must sometimes eat our words."

When I started this blog, I looked at other blogs and many of them were five years old; I admit I was a little envious of their backlog, their audience, their comments, their length--five years seemed unimaginably far away! (In the end, I also admit I largely started this blog for myself, to keep track of my own ideas about writing.) So five years is particularly special to me.

Giveaway!

To celebrate my blog birthday, I'm doing a giveaway: the winner gets a 10-page edit from me.

What can you possibly learn in a 10-page edit?

Well, you might be surprised! You will not only receive specific feedback for those 10 pages, but you will also receive insight on your strengths as a writer and suggestions on how to take your writing to the next level. I've said before that usually I can discern what level a writer is at within the first five pages of a manuscript. To some people, that sounds crazy, but to those who've worked in the industry for several years, it's completely believable.

Who is doing the editing?

In case you are a newcomer, here is a little about myself:

Mentored by a creative writing university professor, an award-winning international best-selling author, and a full-time professional freelance editor, I have worked in the fiction-writing industry for over five years. I have edited for both award-winning and best-selling authors and have worked on manuscripts written for middle grade, young adult, and adult readers. I hold an English degree with honors and served as a fiction editor and managing editor for the literary journal The Southern Quill. When not editing, I'm penning my own stories and running a writing tip blog. I also serve as a writing coach on WritersHelpingWriters.net.

What can I send as my 10 pages?

You can send 10 pages from a novel or a short story, or anything in between. Heck, I'll even look at fanfiction.

How to Enter

Celebrate with me by entering to win (you know I do this because it's fun to give you guys stuff, right?) It's easy to enter:

   Share this giveaway post off my Facebook profile.

   Reblog THIS giveaway post off my Tumblr.

   Retweet the giveaway tweet on my Twitter.

   Comment on this post here.

That means you can enter a total of four times.

The winner will be selected December 18th! (Winner is selected randomly through random.org)

You must be a friend or follower of me to win.

(Please note that if you "share," you must share publicly so that I can see it, otherwise I can't tell who shared)

~~~

Blogging Milestones and Expansions

December 2012--Published my first two blog posts here and here.

January 2013--Published my first writing tip post.

April 2013--Got to be a guest on the Author's Think Tank Podcast

September 2013--Featured blogger on Glipho

Became a regular blogger on Author's Think Tank

December 2013--First blog giveaway I participated in.

2014--Had some posts really take off and shared online

Late 2014-Early 2015--Took on the name September C. Fawkes ;)

January 2015--Got my first piece of physical fan mail *heart eyes* (Thanks Jake!)

February 2015--Started writing more intensive writing tips, including some on breaking common writing rules. There is definitely a change here in my writing tips. I'd had a big growth spurt concerning writing in general that led to this.

August 2015--Started putting my writing tips on Youtube

September 2015--Was both a panelist and presenter at Salt Lake Comic Con (my first conference appearance as a guest), pulling from info on my blog.

September 2016--Got listed as a top writing tip blog on Writers Helping Writers *heart eyes*

October 2016--Got invited to be a resident writing coach at Writers Helping Writers.

July 2017--Added the Writing Tip Index to my blog and updated the appearance

September 2017--Opened Fawkes Editing--my freelance editing website.

October 2017--An editor from Penguin Books contacted me saying he liked my blog and sent me a copy of their latest writing book,Light the Dark!

December 2017--Five years of blogging!

December 2017--??? [some good news I'm waiting to be able to announce]

Most Popular Tips of All Time

#1--Writing Empathetically vs. Sympathetically and Sentimentally

#2--15+ Tactics for Writing Humor

#3--How to Write What's Not Written (Subtext)

#4--6 Things I've Learned as a Professional Editor

#5--5 Most Common Mistakes with Dialogue

Hopefully it wasn't weird to post the milestones and stats, but I wanted to take a moment to remember them since the number five carries significance to me.

Looking forward to 2018! There will be at least a couple of new career adventures for me.

Thank you for your support!

[jonathanleesink]

A Year and a Day

Originally posted on March 10, 2017

“This is going to be refreshing…I can already tell; similar to slicing into a freshly harvested vegetable. Fresh, clean, wholesome, and healthy.”

These were the very first words I wrote on this blog on May 30th last year. I have been writing for nine months. I have been sharing my most personal and vulnerable thoughts, struggles, and triumphs. I have confessed my struggles with drinking. I have shared why I chose to change my lifestyle. I have told you about my anxious personality and my spirituality. This has been an enlightening journey for me. I have been honest and scared to death. I have also felt empowered and bravery like I never knew existed. I have been asked why I have shared this part of my life so publicly. In the simplest terms I write this blog for two reasons. One, for myself. I write to document this ambitious change in my life, and to hold myself accountable to my commitment. This blog is monumental to my recovery process. The other reason I write is for anyone who may benefit in any way from what I write. I have learned people respect honesty. Like myself, everyone has their own personal struggles. But the personal struggles everyone has, it is very likely someone you know struggles with the same thing. The most rewarding experience from this whole thing is when someone makes a point to tell me they enjoyed my writing, or that my story has inspired them to take the first step of their own journey. That is what this is all about. When people use their talents to help other people…that is what defines purpose.

Yesterday…March 9, 2017.

Yesterday was day three-hundred and sixty-five of my sober lifestyle. One year without a drop of alcohol. It also marks one year of living vegetarian. No meat, no booze, one year. Amazing.

I was told just the other day from a friend that they want to give up alcohol too, but that they just don’t see how it is possible. I used to feel that way too. Once I had the realization that I wanted to love myself more than the currently trending pale ale, I had my moment of clarity. My vision for myself was crystal clear, and the motivation to make a change was significant. Making the decision is the relatively easy part. It is the commitment to yourself and to follow through with the decision which proves to be the most difficult. But now, a year later, I am truly proud of myself.

This journey has been eye-opening to me on the societal norms of drinking alcohol. I went through a period where I was silently disgusted with the beer and alcohol industries. I have always made a conscience effort to not preach my thoughts to my readers. I wanted to share my story, and that’s it. The last few months I have backed off from my strong opinions on the drinking culture. I am realizing that alcohol is not really a bad thing by itself. It was when I paired my addictive personality with alcohol is when it became a bad thing. There are so many people who can drink beer or a glass of wine without it becoming a habitual behavior. We are all our own people who must make our own decisions and take responsibility for our actions. What’s best for me, may not be best for you. And what you may be able to innocently enjoy, might not be so innocent for others…myself included. I know what’s best for me, and you know what’s best for you. Be brave, be honest, be you.

I have exposed myself through this blog. I have a hard time verbally talking to people about my vulnerabilities…I always have. Writing every few weeks has helped me more than you will ever know. So many have offered their support. I cannot thank you enough for that. It was a scary thing to put myself out there like I did. I was terrified that people would not want anything to do with me. I had heard that when someone stops drinking, they lose friends. The truth is you lose your drinking buddies. There are some people who I enjoy very much, but I just don’t see anymore because our socializing revolved around drinking beer. There are other people who I have considered very close at some point in my life who have not reached out to me at all to offer support. I understand that the topic of alcoholism, sobriety, and mental health are topics that not everyone is comfortable talking about, I get it. Then there have been the acquaintances, strangers, or old high school friends who made a point to reach out to offer encouraging words. That is amazing. They have no obligation to me at all, yet they have been remarkable supporters. Again, thank you.

In my very first writing, I not only claimed my sobriety, but also made a declaration to be my true self…always. I had spent years dealing with self-esteem and self-doubt issues, and somewhat hiding who I wanted to be. This has been a very liberating experience. I am a changed person. There is no more self-medicating my anxiety, or drinking my way into social comfortableness. I am now dealing with my anxious personality head on with a clear mind, and learning that it is perfectly okay to have an introverted personality. I have become an advocate for embracing your identity, and who you truly are. When you tear down the bullshit facade of doing stuff for the sake of pleasing others, you become liberated and free. I now understand that I only have control over myself, and that I am the only one who can truly make myself happy. Shit happens to all of us, and I used to grab a sixer to deal with it. Now I have an ever-increasing amount of tools to help process life’s complications. I have learned that being honest with myself is a powerful tool. I spent years in denial that I was dependent on alcohol. Once I realized that truth for myself, positive change happened immediately. Finally, I now know that I had to be brave to achieve a year of sobriety. I had to be brave to not fall into temptation, and I had to be brave to share my story with you. Successful sobriety is not for the weak. You have to want it, you have to have the strength to endure it, and you have to fight for it everyday.

People love reading lists. So, here are 9 things I have either learned or that have happened to me over the last year.

1. You don’t need alcohol to have fun! - This isn’t an immediate realization, but once you get over the hump it is an enlightening moment.

2. There are a lot of other people who are either non-drinkers, or are wanting to make that change. - Once I started writing, people came out of the woodwork to share their stories with me. It felt awesome to have people I could connect with.

3. When you quit drinking your body changes effortlessly. - Not only did I lose excess weight when I removed those empty calories, I also woke up every morning without a hangover, with more energy, and the quality of my sleep improved greatly.

4. I gave myself a pay raise! - I wrote about the financial aspect of my habit a couple months ago. I have saved about $1,800, which is a pretty nice annual bonus.

5. My creativity shot through the roof. - I started writing this blog. Who knew I would enjoy writing? It was a complete shock to myself. My musicianship has improved and I just feel more open to creative possibilities. My playing before felt like I was in a box with limits to my abilities.

6. I bought a BMX bike. - This was an early birthday present to myself. I even built a sweet ramp, and go to skateparks with it…at 40 years old.

7. I went on two amazing vacations. - I visited New York City for the first time, and I went backpacking in the mountains of West Virginia. Both of them completely sober.

8. I am in the best shape of my life. - Instead of sitting on the couch every night drinking a handful of beers. I choose to ride bikes, run a few miles, or even lift weights.

9. I have been to some amazing shows in the last year. I have been to MCA Day in NYC, I have seen Brian Fallon, Bad Religion, Against Me!, Henry Rollins, The Interrupters, and the Dropkick Murphy’s without a drink in my hand. The awesome thing about seeing shows sober is you get to remember every little detail; things I wouldn’t have picked up on if I had been drinking.

Thanks again for the support and kind words. I wish everyone good luck in whatever it is you want to achieve. Remember, you are worth it. You will likely see less writing on this blog in the next year. I have to make time to start my book. :) Peace!

[memorylang]

Remembering Mom—Third Year After | #36 | May 2020

I joined Peace Corps chiefly to experience part of my mom’s life teaching English in Asia. Thus, nearing one year since I left the States for Peace Corps, I reflect now on what I’ve come to understand about her... and me. 

Coincidentally, this story #36, published on my normal Friday schedule, coincided with May 8, 2020, the exact day marking 36 months since my mother’s sudden death. While most events occur during Week 9 (Chinese number for longevity), this story begins Week 10 (number for perfection). Amazing. 

As something unprecedented to this blog, I felt transcribing for you one of my penned free writes would give the clearest sense of where I’m at with Mom. So expect a tone different from my blogging norm. 

A Story for Mothers’ Day

[4/22/20]

God gave imagination as a gift, so [I use] it now to envision [my] mother and grandma. [My paternal grandma Mary] and [Mom] greet [me] in the meadow. They smile lovingly, and [I feel] their warmth. 

“I want to tell you everything,” I emote. “Life under quarantine has led me so much closer to you.”

The two continue smiling, kind eyes wide. I go on, speaking the frankness I long to know. [...] The two seem so glad I’m taking time to share with them. I muse I’ve really nothing better to do at 11 p.m. on this Wednesday night. They’re glad. 

“Anyway, I hope you’re enjoying it up there together with everyone else. Mom, I envisioned you with your parents and brother some sleepless nights ago. Mary, I imagine you, too, at peace with your parents and among your son and your husband. You all must be doing just fine in Heaven.” [...]

“Do you have any advice up there for me on the spiritual life? It gets awfully tough down here sometimes. I know you know. [...] Rosaries help, that’s true. And acts of kindness are certainly key. [...] My, you two both had busy families to attend to. I guess you must be praying beside Jesus now, for the rest of us still here on Earth. [...] Maybe it’s hard watching us all slip and fall sometimes. But then again, you’ve such hope in us. Thank you for praying on our behalf.”

I try to think of what else I might say while the Spirit’s given me their attention. I feel moved by how the two grew up from such humble origins yet were so loving all the same. [...] I hope in Heaven they've gotten to know each other very well. 

“I guess one area that’s troubling me these days is the prospect of pursuing academia. It’s daunting. It’s tough. But Mom, you did it. And Grandma, you sound like you had so much hope. So, I guess I’ve patron Saints like you up there helping me here, reading while I read, praying while I pray.” [...]

“I mean, heck, Grandma, I’m writing to you as though I know you, but I don’t believe we’ve met. I hope you don’t take offense. You don’t sound like the woman who would, though.”

*sigh*

“It’s a big world out here on Earth. I guess it’s even bigger in the heavenly kingdom. Oh, how I wish I’d be better at taking breaks and just resting in the majesty of your world. God made us to love, more than to work. [...] And in time, we’ll be healed to something beyond the beginning. That’s the resurrection. This is Easter. 

“Maybe you two get to spend holidays together. If you haven’t I hope you try it. In mortal time, Mom’s been up there nearly three years, anyway. I like the term, ‘passing on’ more than ‘passing away,’ by the way. I think you’ve moved from this life to the next more than you’ve simply left this one. 

“How joyful it must feel to live in a reality without status, one where all are one! Perhaps my depravity in this life will teach me gratitude in the next, as Peace Corps informed my time right now. That’d be nice…”

The two gesture it’s getting late, and there are things I’ve still to do tomorrow. But I shouldn’t forget to cherish my pilgrimage on Earth while I’m still on it. They’re right on both these accounts.

I’m glad of the time we spent together in these short moments. May the Spirit guide and protect me onward to my rest and return to living tomorrow. All is well.

Wrote My Way Out

Although this is the first and only 2017-2020 free write I’ve shared publicly among nearly 100, I felt its content valuable to help you witness a grieving process. And no, I don’t imagine Heaven as a place, “up there,” exactly. But since childhood, I’ve pictured my “happy place” as a meadow of Psalm 23.

Now I’ll give context. 

That Week 7 (April 17-23), I’d just finished seeing “Star Wars IX: The Rise of Skywalker” and felt too annoyed to sleep. Still, a few of Skywalker’s quotes spoke to me: “A thousand generations live in you now,” “You have everything you need,” “No one's ever really gone.” 

The quotes reminded me of my “Frozen II” feels and brought to mind a sleepless thought I had earlier. As in Mongolia, I struggled at times to sleep these past months home and would think to Mom. I envisioned her at peace, reunited in Heaven with her parents and older brother who passed while she was rather young. Mom came from a troubled childhood, I’d learned. But her older adulthood spiritual struggles inspire me to this day. 

Generations In Me

Nearly a month before, Week 3 (March 20-26), I’d begun home improvement operations, namely garage sorting and donation projects. My younger USC sister helped during her visit home the following week, too. 

Uncovering Dad’s old family photos on our Austrian-American side, I felt motivated to dig into family history. So I aggregated years of emails between an uncle and me and paused my garage operation to spend nearly two days straight weaving stories into one narrative. 

I uncovered on Dad’s side, generations of faithful heroes in a vaguely biblical way. Through my uncle’s resources, I traced back at least three ancestral marriages of a ‘Joseph’ and a ‘Mary.’ A couple of my Austrian ancestors had 12 children, a Christian number. And those parents may have met on a Marian pilgrimage. I felt awed to have genes from them, who walked before. 

But I felt most moved by stories of my late grandmother, Dad’s mom. As among the Marys who married a Joe, she was especially devout, relatives said. And only later in life did my uncle, who would study German, learn his mother came from a troubled childhood. My grandparents’ devotions to the rosary and ancestors’ devotion to our Holy Mother shone new light upon my spiritual lineage. 

So, that Wednesday, April 22, 2020 night, I took to the pen. Since winter 2017, I've revived an old grade school hobby of keeping an unedited free write journal. As an undergraduate that 2017 spring, having left a stressful job and joined more liberating orgs, I wrote for a creative and mental wellness outlet. After Mom passed, months later, my free writes would draw more catharsis. Even years later, while in Mongolia, I took free writes as my ‘time heist’ mentioned in my first Mongolia blog story, June 2019. 

Thus, remembering Mom and conjuring my grandmother, I penned what I shared here. 

Hidden Mother

During Week 9 (May 1-7), I experienced significant moments around Mom. Here lie the many. 

After posting a Monday blog story, I usually spend the Tuesday after on house projects, to break from screen time. Recall, when my USC sister visited for Easter, she and I sorted away Mom's lifetime of dresses. Back at Christmas, I sorted Mom’s books—all but her desk’s, feeling those among her most cherished. 

May's first week, having finished “Easter Epilogue | #35,” I felt ready for Mom’s desk. My family left it almost untouched the past three years. 

What a struggle. I saw a dusty accordion folder, for example. I opened it to find what it might be and suddenly met a whiff of Mom's perfume. It saddened me. I could imagine why my family put off touching her desk post-death. I could practically feel her presence in her things. Finding a 2010 letter penned in China, I marveled how our relatives loved her, decades beyond her leaving. 

Here’s where things get very curious.

Earlier that day, I felt like practicing Spanish again, but with the communicative way I practiced Chinese and Mongolian. Reaching out to Salvadorian friends, I felt glad they supported me eagerly. (Later, I realized it was Cinco de Mayo, though I doubted that affected El Salvador.)

But while sifting Mom's books to bins, I felt astonished. 

I found a black notebook not unlike those I use. Dated spring 2013, I would've been a high school sophomore finishing Spanish classes. 

At first, the book seemed nothing special. Mom penned pages of translations to technical words from the decades of Chinese-English dictionaries her shelves housed. Her notebook focused on English for medical science and technology. Still, I paged through. 

Then I felt so shocked, I left the room. 

My mom studied Spanish. 

She practiced what she preached... She professed languages open doors, wanting my siblings and me multilingual. But she aspired toward it, too. 

I could hardly believe it. Wisps of memory returned to me. 

If Mom was alive during this Coronavirus period, she'd surely be doing exactly what I'm doing—studying.

And then I felt, yet again, I really am my mother's son. Her love of languages—I'm of her next generation.

Mom still has my back, all these years later. :)

A Blessed Generation

I continued the night for hours stowing Mom’s things. And curious thoughts came to mind.

Mom and I learned differently. She self studied phrase books and dictionaries. But my family’s had internet since I was young. Besides grammar books, I’ve had online translators, video access and friends as native speakers. 

Throughout my childhood Mom and Dad would say how they were giving me a better childhood than either of them had. I realized it, with such abundance. At my fingertips have been resources hardly seen in human history. I have ways to learn that few could envision mere decades ago. 

I noticed in one of Mom's dictionaries after she was an English professor, she, too, wrote with the International Phonetic Alphabet. One of my Mongolian colleagues first showed me that alphabet. 

For better or worse, maybe my colleagues were right—English as the globe's most valuable language? And Mom sacrificed the life she knew in China. Emigrating, she gave my siblings and I abundant lives. Like her, I became an English instructor—but one privileged with native English. 

As I walked our house to find new homes for Mom's possessions past, I noticed my Mongolian language notebooks and suddenly felt emotional. 

Could Mom have imagined I'd know Mongolian, too? That I'd spend nearly a year bordering China? That I’d teach not only my English but also her Chinese—to real students. 

I sighed. I hope Mom saves me a nice seat in Heaven beside her. 

The Little Flower 

Later that night, one more find spoke to me. 

I noticed peculiar plastic bags with a book about grief among Mom’s things. I assumed the city handed these to my family when officials visited to impart our mother was killed. (I wouldn’t know, for I was away at uni, asleep with a vision I’ll never forget.) But, maybe the funeral home gave these after sealing Mom’s casket. I noticed especially the crimson rosary siblings said Mom kept on her. 

Holding its beads, I noticed an inscription read, “St. Therese, pray for us.” 

Strange—Mom never mentioned St. Therese. Mom grew up without churches in China, though, so I wondered whether Mom knew St. Therese’s story. I wondered, was this St. Teresa of Avila, Thérèse of Lisieux or another? 

On the back I found a little flower. Alright. 

Then a thought struck me—St. Thérèse the “Little Flower” would be this year my 19-year-old little sister’s confirmation saint. Since me, Sister would be my first sibling to receive the sacrament. 

Maybe St. Thérèse prayed for us. 

Case Closed

Wednesdays keep coming up. Before I share what happened this Wednesday, here’s an Easter egg. 

Earlier that week, I returned to a series I used to see the summer before I left home for uni—Marvel’s “Daredevil.” Picking up where I left off, the hero wins a court case and approaches his client, a youth who’s lost something for life. The hero, who bears a similar cross, coaches his client, winning the case doesn’t change reality. The client will have to live with this loss the rest of his life. 

That Wednesday afternoon, our family had an unexpected web call with our lawyer. Mom's wrongful death case settled. After over two years' challenging litigation, we won. Mom wasn’t at fault. “Justice prevailed,” say some. Our lawyer echoed the hero. A win could never replace a parent. 

Feelings Beyond Mother

This is the most emotional part of today’s story. We’re hitting “Frozen II” spoilers, so fair warning if that worries you. 

Alright. While flying home from Mongolia, I wanted to see something either in Chinese or with subtitles. "Frozen II” had Chinese subtitles. So I chose it. 

But it surprised me—magnificently. 

From the moment the musical numbers began, I felt moved by timely lines, “Yes, the wind blows a little bit colder / And we're all getting older / And… That's why I rely on certain certainties.” I sat in the jet plane leaving nine months of uncertainty into the unknown. 

I reflected on losing my community suddenly. The film’s themes of change felt nothing new, though welcomed. As it went on, I related to the princess’ unwavering love for her sibling. I related, too, to her sibling’s quest to their late parents. 

But “Show Yourself,” that crushed me.

Its piano, the iridescence, the darkness and wisps attracted. But something more related. Lyrics felt as me talking to me, trying to talk to God or Him trying to me. 

“All my life I’ve been torn. … Are you the one I’ve been looking for, all of my life?”

Then, determination: “You are the answer I’ve waited for, all of my LIFE!” 

I thought the hero would find herself… I didn’t expect who would help. 

The climax came. These moments stunned: 

Hero: “Mother?”

Mother: “Come, my darling, homeward bound.”  Hero: “I am FOUND!”

Together: “Show yourself! Step into the/YOUR power. Grow yourself, into something new.”

Mother: “You are the one you’ve been waiting for!”  Hero: “All of MY LIFE!” Mother: “All of your life—”

I replayed that movement four times after finishing the film. 

I cried. 

Mom’s Effect

Years since Mother’s death, I’d racked my brain trying to find her. 

Three years ago, I instinctively knew after Mom’s death, my siblings and I carried in our very lives the image of her. But I felt I wanted to know her, who she really was. 

Then I heard and saw the hero’s mother afar profess with her, “You are the one you’ve been waiting for, all of MY/your life!” To remember, I am the very one I need and seek… That broke me.  

The song struck like “Audition (The Fools Who Dream),” three years before. Yet, this transfiguration felt… personal. 

Weeks later, I still reflected on why I identified so strongly with the climax. 

I felt in some ways released from the quest that drove me my upperclassman uni years, indeed, to the point I entered the Peace Corps. I pursued this path to find my late mother. I wanted to know her better. She taught English in Asia. I’d teach English in Asia. 

Because, in many ways, I trusted I would find and know myself through her. Indeed, following my mother’s star led me back to her… and me. 

I felt my power. If I return to Peace Corps, I’m doing it for my reasons, not Mom’s. If I’m teaching in Asia, I’m teaching on my path, not hers. For mine is not hers. And hers isn’t mine. 

Liberation’s euphoric. 

Transfiguration 

For weeks, people had told me as a Christian, the power of the Holy Spirit is mine to use in God’s name. I just need to call on it. 

To my bewilderment, the exact day after seeing our “Frozen II” hero’s transfiguration, my first return to Mass in weeks celebrated the Transfiguration of the Lord. What? That following week—attending daily morning prayers, rosaries and Mass—concluded with reconciliation. My Lent continued. 

Weeks later, I finished Mom’s copy of “Tuesdays with Morrie.” But days before seeing “Frozen II,” I felt awed to chance upon these lines: “‘Morrie,’ Koppel said, ‘that was seventy years ago your mother died. The pain still goes on?’ ‘You bet,’ Morrie whispered.” 

I circled those lines.

Three years later I still search—for much. I still write. But, the journey won’t end soon. And the journey is the most beautiful part. 

My Chosen Five

I focus on nurturing strong mental, moral and physical habits daily, amid Coronavirus quarantining. Each day, I've been working out, eating more protein, reading Scriptures, journaling, getting information, relaxing and practicing languages. And I welcome the friendly chat. 

I especially love my early mornings in America, when it’s evening in Asia. My friends are up and eager to pick my brain. Their drives to learn English inspire. 

I practice Mandarin Chinese and Mongolian to keep in touch with friends and family and to enjoy meaningful exchanges. I'm learning Church Latin and Spanish to help me read histories to pursue in graduate religious studies. Spanish benefits my Latin and helps me keep in touch, too. 

So these are my five languages to which I’m committing. From Mom and Dad I inherited English—from Mom, language power. Now I grow myself into something new. 

New Beginnings

Losing my mother shall not define my life. But, I won't fear letting go, either. 

Instead, I hope to integrate more the passing of her life to mine.

For I reflect her. In me always lives her. That's special. 

The end of May 2019 began my life with Peace Corps Mongolia. During my nine months, Mom resurfaced throughout. A year later now, back in the States, I’ve kept my service close at heart. 

So, rest assured. New stories will come. 

All in God’s time. 

Up next is a 2020 Father’s Day reflection. 

You can read more from me here at DanielLang.me :)

P.S. Since Dad checked by the Marriage License Bureau today, who knows? Maybe by Mother’s Day 2020, Dad’s fiancée will be my next mom. But as for today’s piece, this took days to revise. So I hope it made sense. Feel free as always to share thoughts. —And thanks, friend. Peace be with you. 

[spenceraverywrites]

2017 was a hard year.

My creativity dropped immensely at the beginning of the year and unfortunately, petered out the further into 2017 we went. Once my computer problems started in October, I felt utterly letdown by life, and just kind of... stopped.

But, that was 2017, and this -my tomorrow in Japan- is a new year.

In the new year, I wanna speak some goals into existence. I really do think that when declare things out loud, we tell ourselves that we can, and give ourselves permission to do for ourselves. I function really well when I convince myself it’s okay to do.

So I’m going to do this year right: and that means doing myself right.

Read under the cut for a bit of insight into my 2018.

1. No Big Goals

First and foremost, I’m not making any big goals in 2018. If anything, I’m going to transition back into the blog after 18 months abroad, get used to writing publicly, and take my time. If I mess up, well... it’s not even a mess up because life happens, and I’m not a horrible person. I’m an author and I’m trying and actively putting good into the world through writing: that doesn’t mean I’m bad for not always being able to write or be online.

No holding it against myself anymore: I need to be more gentle with myself anyways.

2. Be active at least three days a week, even if it’s just small posts or updates

My days are going to be Wednesday, Friday, and Sunday. I think that these are good days for me, typically free ones, and can work well with my predicted work schedule for the next year. In putting myself first, I have to be smart: I don’t want to wear myself. I really love being here, and really want to be able to maintain that.

While I may not always stick to this, I think it’s a good middle ground for me. It’s enough for me to keep myself healthy, but also not too much on my shoulders.

2. Post at least 2 pieces a month

This goes hand in hand with No. 1. 

I do a lot of writing in my spare time at work: a lot of plotting and worldbuilding, especially now that I’m really into solarpunk and floralpunk. 

A lot of it is fiddling around and just keeping my skills fresh, but it’s also good stuff. At least I -and @shallow-decameron- think so. I’m good at what I’m doing with solarpunk, and I think it’s worth showing.

The part of me that has a thing for being complimented and praised wants to share. It’s a good feeling, knowing that even one person likes my pieces. It makes me preen and feel like a good boi. Plus, it helps me keep inspiration: I think all creators can admit to that. We want to be seen.

So, I’m going to share some things, fill some very old prompts, and not commit to anything ongoing. If anything, I’m just going to...write and let it go where it does for me.

3. Bring back erotica on my after hours blog, Meganemode

The reality is is that even though I’m demisexual, I get a lot of satisfaction out of being an erotic author. If you had told me in college that

I really want to fill out my body of work though, and I feel that this is an effective way to do so.

I’ve already got a lot of prompts, but I also want to bring back my After Hours writing for my adult audience. I’ve already got a hashtag: #nightlightwrites. I’ll post a few days before I open it up on my sideblog so that there’s fair notice. Most likely, these will be on my Friday and Saturday Nights, in large part because I typically come home to rest after the work week.

That means that I’ll open up -or rather, make a post- on around Thursday, 7 p.m. Central Standard Time: my 4 a.m. on a Friday, when I’ll be cozy and asleep. It’ll be a queue’d post, so I don’t have much to worry about needing to wake up early or anything. 

In fact, the first erotica Friday -let’s call this Night Light Writes because that’s snazzy and matches the hashtag- is going to be on Friday, January 19, 2018. At the end of your prompts be sure to add #nightlightwrites so I don’t accidentally answer it early!

4. Self-Publish an Ebook

This is a bit closer to touching Big Goal, but I’d really like to self-publish this year. More and more, I’m thinking that’s going to be the way I’m going to go about getting my writing out there. This certainly will be a year-long pursuit: it’s not about to just happen in February. 

Once I decide I’ll probably... mention it lowkey, but not really give much more than that. I kind of want to keep my hand close until any kind of date surfaces.