#yeah lets post this at 11 PM what a good idea

[canon-gabriel-quotes]

Only the most important bits of the dev stream (trust me) with subtitles!

[bbrissonn]

𝐭𝐢𝐫𝐞𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐮 - 𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐯𝐨𝐫 𝐳𝐞𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐬 (𝟏)

╰┈➤kinda nervous lol, making this on sept 22 at 11:51 pm. i came up with this idea for an au after seeing this post from @edwardslvrr like 2 hours ago

╰┈➤ october 8th bri bri here, decided to post this cause why not, it's all i've been thinking about since i started this au in my draft and i really want to make it public so yeah :))) hope you enjoy !!

╰┈➤ pairing: trevor zegras x ex!singer!reader

╰┈➤ masterlist

༊*·˚

-SEPTEMBER 1ST, 2023-

༊*·˚

: ̗̀➛ alannaoregon has posted on instagram for the first time in a while

alannaoregon

liked by jamie.drysdale and 1.8M others

alannaoregon so excited to announce that my sophomore album Tired of U comes out on October 13th !! this has been a work for almost 6 months and i cant wait for all of you to hear it. starting off with “i regret you everyday” coming out September 22th

much love, lana 🩵

view all 5,042 comments

becky.rivera GO BEST FRIEND

alannaoregon @/becky.rivera I LOVE YOU BEST FRIEND

user83 NEW MUSIC NEW MUSIC

jamie.drysdale so proud

alannaoregon @/jamie.drysdale love you little one

user920 soooo we all agree on who all of these are gonna be about right…?

user726 trevor went from having 12 love songs written about him, to 14 breakup song 🫢

user02 @/user726 from obsessed with you to tired of u..

sabrinacarpenter so happy to be by ur side and see u grow, cant wait for everyone these masterpieces 🩷

alannaoregon @/sabrinacarpenter love you so much 🩷

user53 the way lana always uses a blue or white heart, but always a pink one for sabrina 🥹

user836 @/user53 glad im not the only one who noticed

user637 BAHAHAHA LIKE 10 OF TREVORS FRIEND LIKED THIS

load more…

༊*·˚

: ̗̀➛ alanna oregon posted a new youtube video

“Becky bring your butt over here.” Alanna called out, placing her camera on the counter of her bathroom. Her skincare products in front of her as Becca made her way into the room, waving at the camera once she was in frame.

"I'm here, I'm here." The Rivera girl said as Alanna grabbed her first product and started applying it to her face.

"Hi cuties, it's me, Lana." The singer said in a weird voice, one she used in every intro. Becca snorted a bit, making her best friend giggle a bit. "I am back with my girl Becky."

"That's me."

"And today, we're gonna take for a lake day with us. And through out the day, I am gonna explaining every single song from my next album, Tired of u, that comes out on October 14th." Alanna explained as she moved onto her second product. Next to her, Becca was nodding along to what she way saying, a proud smile on her face.

"Go pre-save it, guys!"

"And we're gonna be starting with a single, I regret you everyday, coming out on September 20th."

"Not gonna lie, I think that's one of my fav." Becky said as Alanna moved onto her third product. The singer had already made her best friend listen to the whole album, but the girl was there for the writing and producing process so she already had a good idea of what the song were like.

"So, I regret you everyday is a pretty self explanatory title for the song. It's pretty much about regretting ever getting into a relationship with someone, let alone even meeting them even if it's something you can't control." The girl started as she applied her sunscreen gently to her skin. "I think it was the second song I finished writing, maybe like a week after my break-up."

"Wasn't it two weeks?"

"I dunno know, doesn't matter. I was just crying on Becky's couch one day and just came up with it, she helped me write some of the lines."

"You can call me Shakespeare now." The Rivera girl joked, causing her best friend to giggle once again.

"Any who, I picked that song to be a single because I think it really gives off the vibe of what the album is gonna be. Also, because Becky said she'd hit me if I didn't put-"

"Lies!"

"If I didn't put out as a single. So, yeah, now you know!" Alanna continued, ignoring the look her best friend was giving her. She quickly cut the camera after that, laughing at Becca's expression that still hadn't changed.

༊*·˚

The next clip was of the two girls in the kitchen, preparing their breakfast for the day.

"I don't know if we said it before, but we're at Becky's family cottage for the weekend, so we're gonna go swimming this afternoon." Was the first thing said in the clip, Becky in the frame as she broke the eggs. Alanna was in the back, doors of the fridge opened as the looked for the milk.

"Then I am taking her out a date to the porch for dinner with the sunset."

"Fun fact for y'all, the photo on the back of the album was taken by the neighbors of me and Becky. So, thanks to them for their contribution to the album."

"And to my dock for being the front of it." Becca added as she now left the frame and Alanna was now the main focus.

"The next song we're gonna talk about is sunset chasing. Now that song was... very emotional to make, because as some of you might know, I am a whore for sunsets, and sunset chasing was something I did a lot with my ex." The girl started explaining.

"Big big whore for them!"

"In the song, the sunset represents like my relationship with said ex, and how I was like chasing after him and his attention even though we were together for years already. And I guess you could say there's like a double meaning I think, like how sunset chasing turned into me chasing him." She added, smiling slightly had Becca's words.

"I was once again present for the writing of this song and contributed." Becca said, walking back into the frame for a slight second, a proud smile on her face.

༊*·˚

"The birds are trying to eat my food!" Becca yelled out, a loud laughing coming from Alanna as she filmed her best friend shoo away the birds. The two girls were now outside, their breakfast in front of them as they sat on the porch, from which they had a nice view of the lake.

"Becca, don't hurt them!" Alanna said from being the camera, making the girl in question look at her like she was crazy.

"They're going for my food, Lana." There was a cut after that, and then the two girls were sitting around a round table as they slowly ate their food.

"Can I introduce this song?"

"Even if I say no, you'll do it anyways, Becky."

"Damn right I will. Anyways, guys, the next song is called 11 feet behind!" Becca announced to the camera giggling a bit after saying the title of the song. "What's that song about, Lana?" She asked with wiggling eyebrows.

"That song is about always feeling like you're always behind in your relationship. Like people know more what's going on in your relationship than you do, which, fucked up for one, and two really sucks, because it makes you feel like you mean nothing to your partner."

"Guys, let me tell, my girl did not hold back with this one." Becca giggled while talking to the camera. When Alanna had told her best friend she'd be using Trevor's number in one of her song titles, the girl gasped, calling her crazy because of it.

"I am speaking the truth."

"I'm so proud of you, lanny." Becca said randomly, looking over at her best friend. Alanna laughed a bit before giving the girl a big hug, laughing a little.

༊*·˚

"We're getting Starbucks!" Becca yelled out as the next clip started, Alanna's laugh being heard once again. The two of them were now in the car, Becca driving as the other girl sat in the passenger seat, holding the camera so they were both in frame.

"Which is like totally crazy 'cause the next song was written in a Starbucks."

"What a coincidence."

"Right!" The two girl joked, their chuckles echoing in the car before Alanna focused back on the task at hand. "Anyways, it's called Friend Stealer. Long story short, it's about getting dumped by a guy so he can go date one of your friend, that he met through you."

"Snakes." Becky could be heard whispering in the back.

"And the reason why it was written in a Starbucks is because I just wanted to leave my house, get some caffein, and as I was just sitting there thinking about the whole thing, the lyrics just came to me. So, I wrote them down in my notes, typing like a crazy lady on my phone."

"She was gone for like three hours, I was so worried!" Becca said, making Alanna roll her eyes slightly.

"Okay, that's a bit dramatic, I was gone for like, forty-five minutes maybe."

"Still scared me."

"Moving on, that song was probably what helped me really get over my break-up, well more like started the whole moving on process. I was really just writing what I was feeling and yeah, that song was born. It was the first one that I found the melody for, but I think it was like, the forth I wrote, and that's when I decided I was making an album." The singer explained with a shy smile, recalling the happiness she had felt after finally writing out all her anger.

༊*·˚

"We're back in the car! Becky, what'd you get, girl?"

"I got a grande iced coffee with a splash of cream, two pumps of vanilla and two pumps of hazelnut." The girl explained her order, shaking her drinks around. "How about you, m'lady?"

"I got the same as always, my sir. A venti brown sugar oatmilk shaken expresso, only three pumps of brown sugar, three pumps of white mocha and no cinnamon."

"For all of you who didn't know, Lana's my sugar mommy, and she paid for my drink." Becca spoke, grabbing the camera for it was focusing on her. Her best friend scoffed a bit before bringing back to camera on her as Becky started to drive.

"Killing us softly is the name of the next song we're gonna be talking about. The title pretty much says it all, it just talks about how someone in a relationship just doesn't care enough and it's slowly killing their relationship." The clip cut right after the girl was done talking, and the next clip was of her sitting in her bed, filming on her phone with her headphones on.

"Guys, my camera died, oops. And at first Becky and I were gonna go to Target, well we still did, and film the next song in the car. Obviously, we couldn't do that, and my dumb ass forgot to like, go to the song we were gonna do in the car. So, here it is!

It's called mascara stained cheeks, once again, title says it all. But, it goes more into details about how toxic my relationship with my ex got, and how much he made me cry. Small reminder, that crying often in a relationship because of your partner, is not a healthy relationship, never has been and never will be. With that being said, next clip! Wait no, disclaimer, I got a little lazy with these, oops again, so the clips are pretty short. Okay, now, next clip!"

༊*·˚

The two girls were now laying on their chests on sun bathing chairs. The camera was set up on a small table in front of them as they both pushed themselves up on their chairs.

"30 seconds. Wanna do the honor's of explaining this one, Becky?"

"Yes please. This song is about how much of an asshole mister tiny dick was."

"Becca!"

"What? He was. Mister tiny dick broke up with my goddess of a best friend over a phone call, that lasted a solid 30 seconds." The Rivera girl explained, as Alanna gave her stern look.

"Becky, I'm gonna get demonetized because of you."

"Not my fault he had a tiny dick."

"Becca!"

༊*·˚

"Guys, it's editing Lana here again." The girl said, once again sitting in her bed. " So, apparently, none of my footage for the next three songs saved, yay. So, I am gonna have to do this little explanation segment again.

Okay, crushed mind. My baby, the second song I wrote, uhm, I pretty much got emotionally cheated on, so, my mind crushed. Oh my, God, I suck at explaining when I am alone. I feel so awkward just talking to my phone. Ugh, anyways, yeah, I don't know what else to say for that one.

Moving on, i miss u, this one I'm gonna explain so good, just watch, well listen... and watch. It's about missing the person your partner used to be, feeling like they've just become this whole new different person than the one you feel in love with. Which hurts, a lot. But, you know, people change, you can't get mad at people because of that... but you can write songs about it." The girl said, giggling slightly at the end.

"Last song that vanished, spinning circle, talks about conversations with my ex, would just be a spinning circle, I know the saying is like cycle or whatever, but the circle part is explained in the song. I can't tell you right now though, 'cause then I'm... I'm spoiling the like plot twist in the lyrics. Anyways, my camera figured itself out after that clip, so yeah. Back to Lanny and Becky from a week ago."

༊*·˚

The two young adults were sitting on the paddle board, which was tied to the dock so they didn't float away. The sun was beaming on them as their wet skin reflected the light slightly.

"I felt a fish touch me!" Becca gasped just as Alanna was about to speak.

"It's a fish, it's not gonna kill you."

"No, but you know what will, forgiving." Becca said, winking at the girl, clearly proud of herself for the word play. "Get it? 'Cause the next song is... forgive."

"Go you, girly. Forgive, is about forgiving myself for the pain I caused myself during the end of my relationship. Like, I knew it wasn't healthy and all, I knew I should've broken up with him, but I didn't. And it ended up hurting me a lot, and I wrote that song last, kinda like a letter to my past self, forgiving her for making me hurt."

"If any of you though it was about her forgiving mister tiny dick, you weren't alone. I though so too, and I almost wacked her when she told me." Becca said, using the nickname she had for Trevor once again. "Don't look at me like that, you're not gonna get demonetized!"

༊*·˚

"Okay, friends, it's now bedtime for us. We decided not to film after dinner, because we ended having a little heart to heart in the car after, and we just didn't really feel like it. So, we're gonna speed run the last three."

"Heist!" Becca called out. The two best friends were once again in the bathroom, now doing their nightly skincare.

"Going on a heist to get the smallest bit of attention from your partner." Alanna answered.

"heart n soul."

"How hurt my heart and soul were after my break up."

"Last one, tired of u!"

"Tired of... them. Yeah! No, uhm, I am gonna take a little more time on this one since it's also the name of the album. Tired of u, is just about how tired I was of how my old boyfriend was treating me and acting around me. And the reason I picked that name for the album, is because it really describes how I feel towards him still, and our relationship, even now. Overall, just tired of everything related to my old relationship, the media, the comments, just all of it."

"I got tired of him, too, Lanny." Becky said right before the clip cut, making the singer chuckle slightly.

༊*·˚

"Okay friends, we're now in our matching pjs, and we're gonna go to sleep now. So, thanks for hanging with us today."

"Don't forget to go pre-save the album!"

"And yeah, I'll see you guys soon. Bye bye!" Alanna said before leaning in and pressing a kiss to the lens, which Becca than repeated.

: ̗̀➛ comments

user80 the way every time she vlogs she always struggles with the camera- she's so me

user001 so excited to hear these songs, all of them sound so interesting !!!

user719 guys i think she's gonna release sunset chasing as a single before the album drops cause she did the whole album in order, expect for i regret you everyday and sunset chasing

user412 @/user719 OMG YOU'RE SO SMART alannaoregon @/user719 shhh bestie you're gonna ruin the surprise user719 @/alannaoregon OH MY GOD OH MY GOD HIIIII

[thewillowtree3]

Korrasami Secret Santa 2022

Hi, Korrasami fam. We are back :)

We’re doing Korrasami Secret Santa for 2022!  (Yeah, I just copied and pasted this from Korrasami Secret Santa 2021 xD). 5 years in a row, let’s go. ;D

The rules are the same:

Korrasami creators will be able to gift one another with Secret Santa gifts. Whether it be fics, art, videos, animations…the fun’s all there! (It doesn’t have to be holiday-themed! It can be whatever you want :)

The Process:

This Secret Santa exchange will be done through drawnames.com, which is a Secret Santa Name Generator. You’ll need your email for this, and you can message me it directly on Tumblr (I’ll gather everyone’s names up, and put them into the generator when it’s time to draw names.)

The due date to sign up is 11:59 PM Dec 5, 2022 PDT (I’d like everyone to have ample time to do their Secret Santa gifts). :)

Most likely, you’ll need to make an account on drawnames.com (you don’t need to, but it��s recommended.  When you get to writing your Wish List on there, under ‘Hobbies and Interests’, make two different lists: One for ‘Fic Requests’, the other for ‘Art Requests’. If a writer draws your name, you’ll have a suggestion for what you want them to write. If an artist draws your name, they’ll have an idea of what to create! (Also, originally, this project only had fanfic and fanart- but if anyone can contribute any other talents, that’d be swell!)

Example: Fic Request- I want Korra and Asami cuddling at home with a fireplace!

Art Request: I want Korrasami going otter-penguin sledding!

The fic and art requests can be the same, or they can be different. Please limit it to one, or if you can’t choose, then two options. You can also note things that you don’t want (i.e. No smut or NSFW work!). You can be as specific as you wish.

Also, everyone else! We recognize that there may be people in the fandom who don’t create content, but still want to contribute! @lamftw​ came up with these great ideas three years ago, if you’d still like to participate in the Secret Santa. You can:

Create Korrasami memes! The more memes, the better :)

Share your favorite Korrasami headcanons! We’d love to hear them.

Share your favorite artwork/fanfic!

Share your favorite moment from LoK or share how much Korrasami means to you.

Create Korrasami memes, write a sweet holiday message/ note of appreciation :)

Also, we can all show some love to our favorite creators, to Bryke, Janet Varney, and Seychelle Gabriel (the voice of Korra and Asami, respectively). :)

When everyone has signed up, I’ll put all the names into the Secret Santa Name Generator. You should get an email, asking you to join the Secret Santa exchange. Just click ‘Join Group’, and you’re good! Once everyone has joined, the names will then be drawn, and you’ll get your chosen individual (you’ll get an email for this too). Please remember to check your email on Dec 5; we cannot draw names unless everyone has joined the Secret Santa group!

The reveal will be on Dec 19, 2022 (the 8th Korrasami Anniversary :D). Post your work on Tumblr, and tag the person you got, so they’ll know what lovely work they got! Also, please tag ‘Korrasami Secret Santa’ so we can save these posts for the future :).

Please note that if you sign up, you HAVE to commit to making something. This is open to all creators, of any skill level, but please please make something if you sign up. You don’t wanna leave anyone hanging!

Last note- remember to message me on Tumblr and give me your email. That’s the way to sign up! :)

This has been organized a bit late this year, but I still wanted to do it ;D. Let’s do 2022 with some Korrasami goodness!! ;D

Spread this to all your creator friends! LET’S GO FAM!!

5 YEARS IN A ROW, LET’S GO!! ;DD

[wavernot4love]

hello wanted 2 talk about a bunch of fun things from Thursday first show of War All The Time tour 2nite at the Town Ballroom in Buffalo (this will include setlist spoilers)

(starting with a random little video of title track, the rest of it is in the keep reading thingy)

- TURNPIKE DIVIDES FOR THE LAST SONG??? they let her see the light of day!!! i am probably the only person who has heard her at 2/3 of the thursday sets they have seen /lh

- geoff took the piss out of victory records for not paying bands while talking about how i'll be you & jbny are mirrors of each other then played them back to back (also described jbny as their heaviest song.... correct!!!)

- crowd was GREAT. great pits, surfing vibes, actually hell, vibes were just great all around.

- make sure you get there early so you can catch both many eyes & rival schools (steve (thursday) actually played for rival schools today which was cool). i thoroughly enjoyed both sets, and tonight honestly made me a fan of many eyes as a project. i wasn't sure what to expect receptionwise from a buffalo crowd [insert every time i die lore] but everyone showed up for keith (buckley, former singer of etid)/them. i also thought he/they did great, and he seemed genuinely humbled. also saw him around after the show, bro was loading out merch so i didn't wanna bother him, but yeah, dude seemed chill. really enjoyed the songs as well, i'll be spinning them and staying tuned for future releases for sure.

- between that set, everyone just feeling like a true community all night, & a cameo from a local scene legend (if you know hardcore, the singer of terror/buried alive was watching sidestage all show, keith shouted him out hahaha), let's just say i felt like how i'd imagine patriotic americans feel when they hear the national anthem, but the western new yorker edition.

- between rupture and rapture & division st. were probably my favorite non big singles. so great to hear watt in full dude and the crowd was very engaged the whole time

- one thing that really sucks is geoff explained as they came out that pretty much all their instruments randomly got stolen right before they left for tour, so they were a little panicky and stuff but basically, nothing was gonna stop them from having a good time in buffalo (paraphrased). apparently when they were sorting out the tour routing a while back someone told them they should start in toronto but they were like, nah dude, we want to start in buffalo. back to my western ny patriotism analogy, i see. anyways, now that's what i call resilience. they put on a great performamce with such great energy, you can tell this is a band that truly loves doing this whole thing. support the guys extra hard this run.

- as the opening bit of understanding started i looked back at the carnage going on in the giant pit that was open at the moment and had to just. smile at That being a moment people were crowdkilling each other to /lh

- i brought my (digital) point & shoot and shot from the crowd! very stoked on those as i was quite close all show, will update with those once i edit em! will probably also be posting a review kinda thing on my site/ziney thing once i get that back up and published

- one final thing that haunts me is the wonder of what geoff was talking about here in this instagram story post from earlier. i even stuck around after the show (which ended around 10:30) in case... i don't know, thursday were to fly out of some sort of confetti cannon at 11 pm sharp, i have no idea, dude. someday i will ask geoff about Minds Blown - 11.00pm

anyway, every time i've seen thursday this past year of having the joy of really knowing their music (i'd heard of them of course just through being in the scene for years, but had just never listened then) thursdayband has come 2 mean more and more to me and i truly hope they never stop playing together as long as it makes them happy <3

[suzy-queued]

Artist Interview

Happy Boxing Day! I was tagged by @you-are-so-much-better-than-that in this artist interview.

1. Do you post on AO3? If so, how many works do you have on AO3? If not, where do you post?

I do post on AO3 as Suzy_Queue. I have two art galleries there, one for general art and one for Kinktober 2022.

2. What is your total art count?

If you count art done for other people's stories, headers for my own stories, and Gallacrafts pieces, it's around 150.

3. What are your top 5 pieces by likes/kudos?

I use this cool website to get my full Tumblr stats. According to them:

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes! Although I'm not the fastest at it.

5. What is your current fandom, and what was the first fandom you drew for?

Currently, it's Gallavich all the way. The first fandom I remember drawing for was Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, making my own comics. (they were 7th-grade-girl bad).

6. Have you ever received hate on any art?

Nope, people are very supportive, even on pieces that I know aren't that great.

7. What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t drawn for yet but want to?

I can't really think of any.

8. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

The one that has lived in my brain for the longest part of my life is Han/Leia.

9. Do you draw outside of fandom?

Yeah! I was an art major in college. I've been a professional artist for 20 years and have created art for book covers, movie posters, album covers, logos. I go to figure drawing sessions at a local art school and am in a nature journaling group. I've displayed my horror art at conventions around the country.

10. What’s the an art piece you’ve drawn that came out completely differently than you expected?

This was the first piece I ever drew on a tablet with a pressure-sensitive pen. It was an experiment to learn the tools. I had no idea how it would look, and it turned out all right.

11. Do you draw smut?

Yep! There's some smut in this gallery.

12. Have you ever had any of your art stolen or copied?

Not that I know of.

13. Have you ever collaborated on a piece?

I've created art for stories working with the author, but I've never co-drawn a piece of art. Unless you count playing Exquisite Corpse with my children.

14. What’s an idea you have that you have yet to draw?

Oh, I have a lot. The one I think about most is a picture of Ian and Mickey in a lineup at jail, looking disheveled, hung over, and completely in love.

15. What are your drawing strengths?

I like my compositions a lot, the flow of items throughout the picture. I feel like I'm good at drawing what I see in a realistic way, whether it's a photo or real life.

16. What are your drawing weaknesses?

Drawing from memory/imagination. I have to have reference photos of what I'm doing or I go off the rails. I need to develop more trust in my own style and lean into weird proportions and my own skewed vision.

17. What’s your favorite art piece you’ve drawn?

I'm quite partial to this book cover art I did. It's spray paint, pastel, and acrylic. It's about 4 feet tall.

18. What is one thing you’d like to tell people about your art that they might not know?

Just because I've been doing it for a while doesn't mean I'm not still learning every day.

19. What inspires or motivates you to create for fandom?

I have a lot of emotional energy churning below the surface. Creating art and fics helps get it out. It's a much more positive outlet than letting it brew.

20. And finally, can you describe your process a little? Do you have a favorite place to draw? Do you play something in the background? Do you do research or just go for it? Give us a little insight.

I have a basement office where I write and draw. I bought a new table this year which I absolutely love. I do most of my creative work between 9-11 pm after the rest of my family has gone to bed. I do love music and play it a lot while I draw.

I research a ton. I spend a lot of time making photo compositions for every piece I draw, which are collages of body parts and other images.

Thank you so much for the tag for this interview!

[our-time-is-now]

September 2, 2019: Maybe suppressing it wasn’t the best thing to do?

(previous play)

You can find more information about the authors, translators, content warning and additional information about the plays in the pinned post on our blog. 

 Attention! This play includes transgender topics. For more details see our interjection.

Monday, 9:42 am:

WhatsApp, David/Matteo:

David (09:42): I cleared the breakfast table and did the dishes and now I miss you. But I guess I’ll get through it… somehow ;-) I know, I already told you, but I wish you a good start and I’m thinking of you. I’m curious to hear what you have to tell me about it tonight! Don’t let anybody flirt with you :-P See you later!

Matteo (09:44): I’m sitting in the subway and I miss you. I’m nervous somehow… But I’ll just think about the fact that I’ll see you when the day is over and then it’ll be okay. And hey, I can’t control that, I can only promise you not to flirt back ;-) See you later :*

David (09:50): I understand that you’re nervous. That’s somehow normal, isn’t it? I’m sure tomorrow it’ll already be better. Or over the course of the day. It’s nice that you don’t want to flirt with anyone. Maybe you should also mention every 30 minutes that you have a great boyfriend whom you love above anything ;-) Just so everyone knows and nobody gets any ideas… I’ll go unpack the rest of my clothes… there’s not much left. We shouldn’t have unpacked so much yesterday so that I would have more to do today… I hope you have a lot of fun! See you later!

Matteo (09:52): I’m there now and I’ll go inside in a minute. So only a quick reply: Good luck with unpacking and with passing the time, I’ll be in touch in my break :*

David (10:22): I know you’ll only read this later, but is it okay if I rearrange the stuff on the shelf a little differently? If I mix our stuff a little? I think that’ll look better… or should we rather keep everything separated?

David (10:38): You know what I just noticed? I’ve never(!) been at the flatshare all by myself… and now that I realize it it’s somehow really weird…

David (11:14): Well I just put everything into the shelf how I wanted to. If you don’t like it, then I’ll rearrange it again.

David (11:47): I’m almost done with unpacking the boxes. It’s still more than 6 hours until we see each other again. What did I do before I had you?

David (12:01): The post guy rang. I accepted a package for our upstairs neighbors. And I didn’t know if that was okay. Was that okay? Do we like them? Or are they stupid and we don’t accept any packages for them?

David (12:15): When did you say your break was?

Matteo (12:37): Finally on my break! And 6 messages from my boyfriend, what a reward. So one thing after the other: Of course you can rearrange the shelf, you can rearrange everything the way you want to. If I don’t like it, then I’ll just put it back again ;-) Did you get used to being at the flatshare all by yourself? You can loudly call “Hello Ech” and see what happens ;-) And I don’t know what you did before you had me. I know what I did before I had you: I smoked weed and played video games. I don’t know if that’s the best recommendation. :-) And haha, yes, the upstairs neighbors are okay. Well it could actually be three different apartments, but they’re all okay. And what are you doing now? Did you already eat? Everything’s okay here, by the way. Kay gave me another introduction, explained the house rules, introduced me to a few colleagues. I’ll start at the café at 1 pm and then I’ll continue from one thing to the next… we’ll see. I’m already looking forward to tonight… I think I forgot what you look like, you should send me a photo ;)

David (12:45): Yeah! A sign of life! Nice! :-) I’m slowly getting used to the empty flatshare - earlier I even briefly considered leaving the door open while peeing… but then I closed it out of habit, after all. But playing video games really is a good idea. Or sketching. I used to do that in the past. But I’m no longer sure if that’s even fun if you’re not sitting next to me making some weird comments… but I’ll give it a try. I haven’t eaten yet. I wanted to bring some empty boxes to the basement in a minute so that they won’t stand in the way anymore and then I wanted to go shopping. Do you need anything in particular? Should I buy you a after-work-beer or something? Your day actually sounds quite chill so far. I hope it’ll stay that way. Is everyone being nice to you? Has someone already flirted with you? I’m also really looking forward to tonight! *sends a photo of him looking very sad and below it it says: “I miss you!”* *immediately adds* And what did you look like again? Did you change over the last three hours?

Matteo (12:49): *smiles when he gets the photo and immediately saves it in his David-file* *then answers* Thank you for the beautiful photo. Peeing with an open door sounds great, you should just do it next time :) And yes, you should sketch, you can just imagine that I’m there making some stupid comments, I’m sure that’ll work… I don’t think that I need anything from the store, there should still be some beer left, you should check how much is left from the move. And yes, everyone is really nice and keeps telling me that I should always ask if I have any questions and so on… And no, miraculously enough no one has flirted with me yet, I can hardly believe it, either :-P *then sends a photo where he pouts and underneath it says: “ I miss you more!”*

David (12:55): I’ll test the peeing thing later… and in case anyone should come home early then I’ll just tell them that it was your idea ;-) I’m happy that everyone’s being nice to you. Although I would have been surprised if that weren’t the case! I’m sure it’ll get excited again later once the kids arrive. I hope you’ll get the chance to have some coffee and that you won’t have too much to do straight away. I’ll think of you when I sketch something! I promise! And when I go to the basement… and shopping… and the bathroom… and all the time, anyways! Anytime and any place! See you later, tesorino! <3<3<3

Matteo (12:58): Of course, it’s always my fault, that’s okay. Okay, I have to get going again, let Iris show me the café and everything. Hopefully I’ll also be able to have some coffee along the way. I don’t know how often I’ll be able to check my phone, but feel free to text me, I’ll just be happy whenever I look at it… Mi manchi, tesorino <3

David (13:34): I’ve just been to the basement and your bed actually would have fit in there, as well… at least since the second table is also in the kitchen. But I think it’ll be better taken care of at Alex’. It’s warmer there and it smells better. And it can talk to my stuff. Now I’ll go peeing again (yes, with the door open) and then I’ll go shopping… anche tu mi manchi!

David (14:02): *sends a photo of an apple that looks like a heart* I just had to think of you… <3

David (14:04): Oh and I just remembered: We already have half of our separation behind us! Yippieh!

David (14:37): There’s still no one here. I just made coffee and put the groceries away. Now I’m sitting in /our/ room (yes, I admit - at first it said “in your room”) on our bed and I’ll sketch a little in a minute… somehow the thought that for now every day will be like this is a little weird… that for now, we’ll be separated for so long every day. I don’t even remember this anymore. It’s so nice to always have you around. And now we’re faced with stupid reality… pfff… but we’ll somehow get used to it… and then be the more happy about it when we’re back with each other again.

David (15:23): *sends a photo of a sketch of him sitting on the bed sketching and Matteo lying next to him commenting on his sketch* *adds* I imagined that you were lying next to me… <3

David (15:42): The One by Kodaline is another song that fits us… sappy but nice. <3

David (16:20): Yeah! Hans is back from work! I’ll have a coffee with him now! And in a little more than two hours, you’ll finally be back here again with me!

David (18:00): YOU'RE DONE!!! So? How was your first day? Hurry up! I’m yearning for you!

Matteo (18:11): God, Schreibner, 8 texts, that’s embarrassing, one could think you miss me or something ;-) I’m at the stop now waiting for the city train. Should be here in 3 minutes and then a 17-minute ride and then a 5-minute walk and I’ll be there. But your afternoon sounds nice, the sketch looks great and the apple is very sappy. So it fits us :) What did you buy? Should I cook something for us when I’m home? I’m hungry… surprisingly enough. See you soon <3

Matteo (18:16): I’m on the train and there’s this guy opposite me who keeps looking over in a weird way. I thought I’d better keep myself busy with my phone…

Matteo (18:18): Oh and I don’t know The One you’ll have to show me later…

David (18:24): Dude, Florenzi - 3 texts within 17 minutes… you’re almost worse than I am :-P I bought all kinds of things. Only delicious stuff - and the apple. I figured we could do with some vitamins… Good thing that you’re hungry! So am I! But you don’t have to cook anything today… See you soon! :-*

Matteo: *has still read David’s answer but didn’t reply* *arrives at the flatshare around 6:40 pm and slightly runs up the stairs* *unlocks the door and immediately thinks that he can smell something* *wonders if Hans has cooked* *closes the door and was just about to call out when David already comes out of the kitchen* *beams automatically* Hey… *reaches him with two steps and hugs him* *presses his nose against his throat and breathes him in* *murmurs* Missed you!

David: *even though Hans has offered to help him, he had insisted on making a casserole all by himself and thought that it was nice that Hans retreated to his room to give the two of them some alone-time* *had been sitting in front of the oven for a while observing the casserole* *had tried how it tasted beforehand and thought it tastes quite good* *hopes that the taste doesn’t change too much in the oven* *eventually sets the table and puts out a beer for Matteo and a glass of water for himself* *then hears the front door at around 6:40 pm and feels his heart skip a beat because he’s so happy that Matteo is back again and also because he’s a little nervous to find out what Matteo will say to the food he prepared* *walks toward him and sees him beam* *can’t help but to beam back and holds Matteo in his arms less than a second later* *presses him close and kisses his neck* *makes a grumbling sound of pleasure and murmurs* So did I… *then moves away from him a bit and tenderly kisses him on the mouth before he lets go of him and takes two backwards steps into the kitchen* *is a little nervous now, after all, and points at the oven* *grins slightly and then says a little proudly* I cooked!

Matteo: *gets a kiss and actually wanted another one, but isn’t fast enough because David has already moved two steps away from him* *follows him into the kitchen and looks at the oven* *then hears David’s words and gapes at him* YOU cooked? Awesome! *squats in front of the oven and looks inside* Pasta casserole? *gets up again and grins at him* Thank you, now I’m really excited… *pulls David close again because he didn’t have him close for way too long, and wraps his arms around his waist* *tilts his head and grins slightly* How much longer does the food take? Do we still have some time?

David: *laughs quietly* Yes, awesome! *says a little teasingly* You and Laura weren’t there so no one could stop me… *lets Matteo pull him close again and wraps his arms around his neck* *slightly tilts his head and thinks, but then nods with a slight grin* We still have some time… *then kisses him again, this time a little longer, and squeezes him closer* *eventually murmurs in complaint* 9 hours are really long… do you have to go back there tomorrow?

Matteo: *laughs slightly* I’m very curious… if it’s good then you’ll always have to cook for me during the week now. *grins slightly and grins even more when he says that they still have time* *kisses him back and wraps his arms around him a little tighter* *immediately shakes his head at his question* No, I’ll quit tomorrow… *kisses him again and then a little longer once again* Or I’ll demand that you can come with me… then you’ll have to quit university, of course, so that you can come with me.

David: *laughs again quietly* Always!? Well, we’ll see… otherwise you might forget how to cook for yourself or something like that… *nods happily when Matteo says that he’ll quit tomorrow* Hmm… I’m all for it! *returns his kisses and plays a little with his hair* *grins slightly at his suggestion, humms in agreement and kisses him again* I will… *kisses him again and then says* Or you’ll just work from 10 to 2 and I’ll come with you and I’ll go to university from 2 to 6 and you’ll come with me in turn… *kisses him for longer again and then puts his forehead against Matteo’s* *enjoys it that he’s back again, but now asks more serious and with interest* Did you have a nice day?

Matteo: *grins slightly at David’s counterproposal* Sounds sensible, we’ll do that. *kisses him back and closes his eyes for a moment when their foreheads touch* *but then pulls back a little when he hears his question and nods slightly* Yeah, it was good, but also a lot… I was pushed around a lot, but that’s just how it is at first… on Wednesday I have to work earlier because Sannik is going to take me with him… the café shift was quite cool, somehow there’s always something going on there and there are a lot of different people there… *then hears a timer and looks at the oven* Should I take it out?

David: *listens to Matteo and smiles slightly* *was just about to answer him when the timer goes off* *shakes his head at his question and kisses him again* I’ll do it… why don’t you sit down… *lets go of him and grabs the pot holders to take the casserole out of the oven* *says in the meantime* But it’s somehow normal that it’s a lot at first… I’m sure it’ll get better over the next few days… *plates the casserole on the plates he had already taken out of the cabinet* What kind of people were there? And how did the teenagers react when they met you? *carries the plates to the table and grins slightly* *asks teasingly* Did one of them already flirt with you? *sits down and grabs his cutlery*

Matteo: *laughs slightly* Oh, the full service… not bad… *then sits down on the spot where there’s already a beer* *thinks when he hears his question* All kinds of people… apparently there are two, three groups who are regulars and come in pretty often… but today only one of them was in, but they all were really nice and introduced themselves and so on… *then laughs and shakes his head* No, nonsense… no one did… *then also reaches for his cutlery* And I also don’t think that they will…

David: *listens to him again and smiles* Sounds really nice… *then hears that no one has flirted with him and laughs quietly* Or you just didn’t notice… that can happen… it already happened to me… *briefly looks at the food and then at Matteo* Well then… enjoy… and to your first official day of work! *puts the first bite onto his fork and adds with a slight grin* And to us, because we managed to survive the first nine hours of being separated… *blows on his noodles and then puts them in his mouth* *thinks that it actually tastes pretty good, but still steals a glance at Matteo and waits for his verdict*

Matteo: *laughs quietly* Yes, that can happen… when you come visit me, then you can tell me… *smiles slightly and leans over again to kiss him* Enjoy, and thanks for cooking… *then also puts the first bite onto his fork and then hears David’s words* Oh yes… it was really tough… but I guess that’s good training for the weekend… *grimaces slightly when he thinks about it* *but then takes the first bite and was about to smile when he sees that David is watching him* *therefore stays serious and looks at him* Well, this is… *slightly shakes his head, but then grins, after all* ...really delicious! *immediately eats a bigger bite*

David: *nods with a slight grin* I will do that… and I’ll introduce myself to everyone as your boyfriend! *then smiles when he kisses him again and when he thanks him* *shrugs slightly* I thought to celebrate the occasion… *also grimaces when he mentions the weekend and groans quietly* *murmurs* I want to suppress that thought until Thursday, okay? *then watches Matteo when he puts the first bite into his mouth and looks skeptical when he stays so serious* *but then sees him grin and hears that he likes it and gives him the secretary’s-office-look, because he kept him in suspense like that* *murmurs* Ass… *but quickly looks peaceable again and adds* But it’s nice that you like it… maybe I’ll really do that more often from now on… *also puts another bite into his mouth and then asks* And did you already see any workshops or courses or anything?

Matteo: *laughs slightly* Just to make sure… *nods immediately when he says that he wants to suppress thinking about the weekend* Yes, I would also like to… *then laughs again when he calls him an ass* No, really, it tastes great! *grins and nods* Sure, do that… I’m happy if there’s food on the table when I come home… *puts another bite into his mouth and nods at his question* *chews and swallows* Well most courses are on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, but today the ‘Youths’ had an unscheduled meeting, that are all LGBT guys up to 19 years, and it’s lead by Ines and Jana, but Jana is a volunteer…

David: *is quite glad that Matteo also still wants to suppress thinking about the weekend and then really quickly pushes it aside* *is really happy that Matteo likes the food and hopes that now he’s allowed to at least sometimes help with cooking when he wants to* *but usually likes their separation of chores and that Matteo usually cooks* *therefore pffs slightly at his macho comment and says* More often isn’t always… every now and then… if I feel like it… and miss you especially much… or something… *then listens to him when he keeps telling him about Lambda and realizes that somehow this is a completely different kind of conversation they are having - that right now, Matteo is really telling him about his day and what he experienced* *briefly imagines what it will be like when he’s in university, as well, and when they can tell each other about their days in the evening and smiles at the thought that they then will really have something like an everyday-life together* *but then quickly concentrates on Matteo again and nods at what he told him* And were you also there today? What kinds of things are they doing there? Or do they just talk and hang out?

Matteo: *laughs slightly* That was only a joke… I can also still cook when I come home from work… or can bring takeaway or whatever… *then nods slightly at his next question* Yes, but not for thaaat long, only in the beginning… and yes, they are doing a lot of different things, sometimes they only hang out, sometimes they have specific topics that they are talking about, sometimes they cook or go to the movies or do other things together… *takes another bite* I think the main thing about all of these courses is to be together with likeminded people…

David: *grins slightly* Bringing takeaway also sounds nice… we just can’t do that too often… otherwise it’ll get too expensive… *listens to him when he tells him about the group and smiles slightly* That sounds cool… having something like that… a group of likeminded people. *has to think about the fact that he never had that - that he didn’t even know anyone gay or lesbian, because in Lychen and Fürstenberg they either didn’t exist or they didn’t dare come out - and that knowing a real person with similar problems might have done him some good* *takes another bite, chews and then says with his mouth half-full* I should have made use of the time today to take a closer look at their homepage… *swallows* What else is there? Only such general groups or also more specific ones? Like groups only for gays… or something like that?

Matteo: *nods when he says that it sounds cool* Yes, it is, I think… well there’s also a group for older people, but they meet up later… there’s one only for female bisexuals, the BiChicks, and then there’s one for trans youth, the Transformerz… *smiles slightly* I’d like to meet the person who came up with the name. They always meet up on Mondays and Fridays at 6:30… *takes another bite and then says* There’s nothing only for gays, at least I didn’t see anything in the program… most of them are also led by volunteers, especially the ones who meet up later in the day…

David: *listens to Matteo and grimaces in amusement when he mentions the name of the trans group* Transformerz?! *laughs* Oh God… *shakes his head and finds the name very horrible* *still hears the rest of what he tells him, but his thoughts are somehow still with the trans group* *nods and humms when Matteo finishes* *swallows down his bite and then asks hesitantly* And in the trans group… *slightly shakes his head because he’s pretty sure that Matteo can’t tell him too much about it yet* *therefore starts again* Hmmm… you probably don’t know too much about it, yet, either… well, how many people are in this group… and if there are more ftms or more mtfs or something… *briefly lowers his gaze and then laughs quietly* *grimaces slightly and then asks* Does it somehow sound stupid if I tell you that I really would like to meet someone who’s also trans? I mean, live… and not just via the internet… *puts another bite into his mouth and then shrugs and says* Maybe I should check it out…

Matteo: *laughs* Yes, I also find it… meh... *then looks at him when he’s interested in the trans group* *smiles slightly* *says almost apologetically* No, sorry, I don’t know any of those things, yet… but have a look at the homepage, I think there’s also an email address, I’m sure you could also write them… *immediately shakes his head at his question* Doesn’t sound stupid at all… before I met Hans, I’ve never met anyone gay, either… or well, not that I was aware of… *then grins broadly when he says he should go there* Yes, totally, do that… you’ll have a whole bunch of trans people there and you can pick the cool ones to become friends with…

David: *nods when Matteo says that he doesn’t know anything about the trans group yet* *already thought so* *grins slightly when he says that before Hans, he’s never met anyone who’s gay and says* Well, with most gay people… or many people from the LGBT+ community in general, you can’t really tell… *takes a sip and nods again* *then laughs quietly* Well, I wouldn’t necessarily go there to make friends with anyone… that would be more of a cool side effect. But it would be nice to just exchange experiences… or to see what doctors the others have and stuff like that… *stabs a few more noodles onto his fork* But if the group is on Fridays, then I guess I’ll postpone this to sometime after the mastectomy… *realizes once again how quickly all of this is happening now - this Friday, Matteo won’t be here, and the Friday after that is already the date of the mastectomy* *but now prefers to quickly change the subject instead of thinking about that* And do you already know what’s planned for tomorrow?

Matteo: *nods immediately* Yes, sure… but just no one where I knew about it… *then grins when David plays it down* Yes, I get it… just how others feel… I’d also be interested. *then nods when he says that he’ll postpone it until after the mastectomy* Yes, once you recuperated… then you can also immediately talk about it if you want to. *shakes his head at his question* No, not really, Kay said that tomorrow, there’ll be a few people from the team there that weren’t there today and he wants me to accompany some of them… so I’ll see… *takes a big bite*

David: *humms in agreement when Matteo says that he can talk about the mastectomy and keeps eating* *can’t really imagine telling strangers about it but thinks that it might be different if the people are also trans… that some of them might also already have had their mastectomy or some of them might also want to do it* *smiles slightly when Matteo tells him about his not-so-real plan for tomorrow and takes a sip before he answers* But that also sounds quite chill for now… *then looks at him lovingly, because he realizes once again that Matteo has started work and that he has already finished his first day* *realizes that he’s really a little proud of him and eventually asks quietly* And did your nervousness subside over the course of the day?

Matteo: *nods immediately* Yes, I think so, too… to first get a bit of a feel of what goes on there during the day and such… *takes a big bite and then has to chew and swallow first before he can answer* *washes it down with a big gulp of beer* Well, that really went quite well… Kay also immediately noticed and told me that it’s totally normal if you’re nervous on your first day, but that I don’t have to worry, that everyone’s nice and will answer questions and so on… *shrugs one shoulder and grins* And it’s true… *then takes the last bite from his food and leans back* And what about you? Is my… umm… our room completely rearranged and redecorated now? *grins slightly*

David: *also nods* Exactly… and that won’t be much different during the next few days… until you have an idea of how things are done and so on… *then listen to him and is happy that the nervousness disappeared over the course of the day* *smiles* I’m happy for you - that sounds really good… *then sees that he has finished his food and points at the oven where the casserole is* Do you want more? I’m afraid I made too much… *grins very broadly when he also slips up when it comes to talking about their room* *shakes his head and says with a grin* /Our/ room looks good… almost like it did this morning… only with fewer boxes and fuller shelves and desks… I still have some stuff lying around on the desk… especially the sketches that were up in my old room. I’ll have to see what I’ll do with it. I really need a new folder to store them - my old one is pretty full. Maybe I’ll go into town tomorrow to buy a new one… *also pops the last bite of food into his mouth*

Matteo: *grins slightly when he says that he’s happy* Thanks, yes, I hope I’ll quickly be able to get the gist of it… *then looks at the oven and considers briefly* No, maybe later… and if not, then the others would surely also be happy about food… *listens to what he tells him and nods* I want to have a look at it in a minute… but hey, you can also hang up some of it or so… you always said that my walls are so bare… *drinks another sip of beer* You do that… kill some time… *smiles slightly*

David: *nods and shrugs* Hans already ate… he said he can only eat some bread in the evening if he already ate at the cafeteria for lunch because there are some secret fats in the cafeteria food that are bad for his figure or something… *hasn’t really been listening to Hans and instead only nodded in understanding* And Linn and Laura want to go see a movie - they’ll surely eat something on the way… but I’ll just put it in the fridge… then we’ll finish it tomorrow… *nods when Matteo says that he wants to have a look at the room and then briefly gnaws on his bottom lip at his suggestion* *nods hesitantly* Yes, true… they are… but I didn’t want to just hang up things… *slightly shakes his head* You can have a look later if you like some of it and then we’ll think about where to put it together?

Matteo: *nods at his information about the roommates* I see… oh, the way I know me, I’ll be hungry again in an hour… *then looks at him a little confused* Huh? Why not? *also shakes his head* Hey, that’s also your room now, and I want you to feel at home there and that you decorate it… and if there’s something I don’t like, then I’ll tell you… but of course you can just hang up things… *briefly thinks about if there are any exceptions* You’re just not allowed to take down your gift from above the bed… and if you want to put up naked women or something, then we also might have to talk again for a moment…

David: *looks back confused when Matteo looks confused* Well because… *then stops because the only argument he can think of is that saying they are Matteo’s walls doesn’t count any longer* *realizes that it’s apparently difficult for him, after all, to fully realize it* *smiles slightly at Matteo’s next words and nods slightly* *says quietly* Okay… I’ll trust you that you’ll tell me if there’s something you don’t like… *smiles even more when he says that he isn’t allowed to take down his gift and nods* *then laughs loudly at his last thought* Oh damn… now I don’t know where to put all my posters of naked women… maybe Hans wants to have them… *leans forward and kisses him briefly* *asks quietly against his lips* What am I supposed to do with naked women when I have /you/, huh?! *moves away again and grins slightly* *then reaches for their plates and collects them to wash them later* *is quite glad that he has already cleaned up the chaos from cooking and that now he really only has to clean the plates and the cutlery so that they’ll have more time to themselves later*

Matteo: *grins when he agrees with him* You can do that… *then laughs slightly* Hans will surely want them… or Abdi… hey, Abdi for sure. *then grins into the kiss and then shakes his head* Charmer… *sees him get up and clear the table* *also gets up and helps him carry everything to the sink* I can do the dishes… you already cooked…

David: *grins when Matteo mentions Abdi and nods in amusement* True! So /if/ I had countless posters of naked women, /then/ I’d surely give them to Abdi. *laughs quietly* We better not tell him - otherwise he’ll be sad that he won’t get any… *smiles when Matteo helps him carry the stuff to the sink and offers to help* *lets water into the sink and slightly shakes his head* It won’t take long… you can already cover the casserole and put it in the fridge... *then looks at him and lightly bumps his shoulder against his* *realizes that he’s really yearning for him and that he has to catch up on some physical contact and is already looking forward to their time in their room soon*

Matteo: *laughs* Yep, but this might be an idea for his next birthday… *looks skeptical for a moment and considers arguing with him about doing the dishes, but then drops it* *gets the tin foil out of the cabinet and covers the casserole* *then puts it in the shelf of the fridge that now has the post-it “Matteo + David” on it* *then steps behind David, who’s still doing the dishes, wraps his arms around him and puts his head onto his shoulder* *can see that he only has the cutlery left to clean* *kisses his throat and grumbles slightly pleasantly* *says quietly* Let’s go to bed soon?

David: *starts doing the dishes and, out of the corner of his eyes, watches Matteo cover the casserole and put it into the fridge* *then feels his arms around his stomach and slightly leans against him while he cleans the cutlery* *is tempted to close his eyes when Matteo kisses his neck and also grumbles quietly and pleasantly* *nods at his question and puts the cutlery on the sink to dry* *just stays in Matteo’s arms for a moment, but eventually grabs the dish towel from next to the sink and dries his hands before he turns around in Matteo’s arms* *leans his forehead against Matteo’s and now really closes his eyes for a moment* *then kisses him tenderly onto his mouth and quietly asks again* Bed?

Matteo: *smiles slightly when David stops a little and holds him a little tighter* *also closes his eyes when David turns around to him* *tenderly kisses him back and nods immediately* Yes, please! *slowly pulls away from him and leads the way to their room* *takes a look around and then turns around to him with a grin* Looks good… like you have been living here for months… *pulls him close and kisses him again* *then pulls away again to take off his shoes and drops down onto the bed*

David: *smiles when Matteo agrees to the bed-plan and follows him to their room* *grins slightly when he looks around and then hears his comment and lifts his eyebrows in amusement* That’s what I’ve actually been doing… the only thing that was missing were a few personal things… *briefly wraps an arm around his hip when he pulls him close, returns his kiss and nudges his nose against his before they pull apart again* *closes the door and laughs quietly when he drops down onto the bed at the same time Matteo does* *then scoots up so that his head is a little higher and holds his arms out for Matteo* *waits for him to cuddle close, then kisses his hair and asks* And what do you think how long it will take us for our yearning-batteries are recharged again?

Matteo: *immediately crawls into David’s arms and puts his head down on his throat* *grumbles pleasantly* Hmmm… at least one hour… if not two… *wraps one arm around David’s middle and kisses his neck* *then just stays like that for a moment before he quietly says* It was really weird so completely without you… when I was at the café, one of the teenagers told a joke and I immediately turned around to see if you’re also laughing… *laughs quietly* Now I don’t even remember the joke…

David: *wraps his arms around Matteo and also grumbles pleasantly* At least one, two hours, I’d say… *runs his hand through his hair and kisses his forehead* *then closes his eyes and enjoys having the familiar closeness and the familiar Matteo-smell back* *listens to him when he starts talking and nods slightly when he says that it was weird today* *can understand that* *smiles slightly when he tells him about the teenager and squeezes him a little closer* *murmurs quietly* I’m sure I would have also laughed… *then admits* I’m no longer used to the quiet when I sketch… I mean, it’s not like you usually chatter all the time… but you just sometimes laugh if you read something funny… or you’re happy if you manage a level or you huff quietly if you screw up a level… or sometimes you just reposition yourself on the bed… I never noticed how much of a difference those small sounds make and show me that you’re there… I only noticed that today when they were no longer there… *really felt like he was alone for the first time in a long time and realized that this fact bothers him much more than it used to*

Matteo: *laughs quietly when he says that he would have laughed* I think so, too… *then listens to him when he tells him that he misses the small sounds* *can somehow understand that* *then remembers that David didn’t have a problem with being alone before they got together* *feels this pleasant tugging and turns his head a little so that he can kiss him properly* *says quietly* I’m sorry that I wasn’t there to huff… and that you can no longer be alone because of me… *kisses him again and then smiles slightly* Although, no, I’m not sorry for the latter…

David: *slightly moves towards Matteo when he realizes that he wants to kiss him and returns the kiss* *then grins slightly when he apologizes that he didn’t huff, but then gets more serious again and slightly shakes his head at his addition* *tenderly cards through his hair when he kisses him again and then also smiles when he takes his apology back* *swallows slightly and then says quietly* And you don’t have to… you just showed me pretty quickly that being alone is actually pretty crap… *then turns a little more toward him, so that he can look at him better, and tenderly runs his hand over his side* *finally says with a slight chuckle* Maybe I’ll record a few of your noises soon and play them when you’re not there…

Matteo: *smiles slightly when he says that being alone is crap* I think so, too… *wraps his arm around him again when he turns to him* *then laughs at his suggestion* That’s a little creepy… but if it helps then do it… *grins slightly and kisses him again, simply because he’s on withdrawal* But then I also want messages from you that I can listen to when I miss you too much…

David: *laughs quietly when Matteo says that this is creepy and shrugs one shoulder* No idea if it’ll help… but it’s worth a try… *grins slightly when Matteo kisses him again and then also kisses him* *then sighs quietly because right now he finds it so nice that Matteo is with him again* *nods with a slight grin when he hears his demand* You’ll get that… I’ll start tomorrow! I’ll take turns with sending you voice messages and written messages… *tenderly puts a hand on his cheek and briefly kisses him again before he asks quietly* Do you think we’ll get used to it quickly… that we won’t be together as much anymore?

Matteo: *grins slightly* Very nice… *kisses him back and runs his hand a little along his side* *then sighs at his question* Don’t know… it sucks somehow, because I actually don’t want to get used to it… but on the other hand, it’ll just be a big part of our daily life from now on… *looks at him and pouts a little* What do you think?

David: *nods at Matteo’s answer, because he knows exactly what he means* *smiles slightly when Matteo pouts and runs his hand over it to wipe it away* I don’t know… *briefly closes his eyes and sighs briefly* I don’t want to get used to being so happy to have you back… and I want us to continue to text each other so much when we don’t see each other… and that we’re thinking of each other… but… no idea… I think I also want that the yearning won’t stay that strong that you can barely think of anything else… *slightly shakes his head* Maybe I just felt like this today, because I’m really not used to it anymore… and because I didn’t really have anything important to do. Maybe it’ll get better when uni starts and we both have our everyday life… *grins slightly, kisses him again and says* Because that actually doesn’t feel that bad, either… being able to say that /we have an everyday life together/… *emphasizes those words especially and shrugs one shoulder with a grin* ...a little like an established couple with routines… *smiles and lets his hand slip into Matteo’s hair* ...as long as it doesn’t get too much everyday life or we somehow lose each other in it or something… but earlier, when you told me about your day… that was somehow pretty nice, wasn’t it?

Matteo: *nods slightly when he talks and when he seems to understand what he wasn’t able to voice as well* Yes, exactly… well I do want to miss you and be happy when we see each other again… but exactly, it shouldn’t be so prevalent somehow… *slightly nods again when he talks about everyday life* *laughs slightly when he emphasizes the words like that* *then grins* Yes, exactly… when we both have arrived in our everyday lives and when everything gets a little more in a routine… and we still are happy and do something and so on… *runs his hand through David’s hair and plays a little with the strands* Yes, I also found that nice… having an exchange about how our days were and what happened… *then sighs slightly and kisses him again* But I still love spending my day with you the most…

David: *is happy that Matteo seems to understand what he means and nods* Exactly! *closes his eyes for a moment and smiles when Matteo starts playing with his hair, because he somehow likes it how he sometimes totally loses himself while he does that* *humms in agreement and says quietly* Exactly. And in October, when university starts, then I’ll also have more exciting things to tell you than what happens at the flatshare over the course of the day - which is nothing, because everyone’s at work. *grins slightly, but gets more serious again when Matteo kisses him again* *feels a strong tingling of love in his stomach when he hears his next words, because the fact that Matteo feels the same makes him so happy and because it’s still unbelievable and unreal that he’s the one who can make sure that Matteo is doing good and that he’s happy* *smiles at him lovingly and says quietly* And when I can spend mine with you… *puts his hand on his cheek and suggests* The next time when we have a day all to ourselves, we’ll make something special out of it, okay? With eating in bed and movies and a lot of talking and making out and such… umm, unless you’d rather do something… then we can also do something… *briefly wonders when they might have a day all to themselves again, but stops thinking about it when he realizes that this definitely won’t be the case during the next two weeks*

Matteo: *humms in agreement when he talks about October and university* *smiles when he returns his words and tells him that he loves spending his days with him the most* That’s a good fit, then… *looks at him when he puts his hand on his cheek* *smiles at his suggestion and nods immediately* No, I don’t want to do anything… only you and I… *already wants to talk about Saturday when he remembers that he won’t be there on that day and that after that, there’s already the mastectomy* *sighs slightly* Then on the Saturday after the mastectomy… then you can’t really be very active, anyways, so we’ll spend that day in bed… *remembers that then they’ll also have to forgo sex and regrets the fact that they didn’t enjoy the last weekend they had all to themselves more consciously*

David: *smiles and nods slightly when Matteo says that they won’t do anything when they have a day to themselves again* *then hears him sigh and also sighs quietly at his words* *grimaces slightly and tenderly strokes his cheek again, but then lowers his hand and turns this head toward the ceiling in thought* *briefly gnaws on his bottom lip and then says quietly and a little bitterly* More likely on the Saturday when I’ll be back from the hospital… in three weeks… *sighs again quietly and then looks at him again with raised eyebrows* Three weeks… *slightly shakes his head and then says* I feel like somehow we’re moving from an absolute non-stop couple quality-time phase into a non-stop constantly missing-each-other hardly-time-for-each-other phase…

Matteo: *nods slightly when David corrects him bitterly* Yes, that’s what I meant… well I’ll also be at the hospital on Saturday, but I meant when you’re back again… *grimaces when he emphasizes the three weeks so much again* *shakes his head* No… well maybe a little… but we’ll see each other, all the time in between and as often as we can manage… *then sighs slightly* Yes okay, this weekend will be hard… but then… *looks at him and stills the hand in his hair* We’ll just make the best out of it when we see each other, okay? *also thinks that David is somewhat right, btu wants to cheer him up and doesn’t want him to feel so dejected*

David: *frowns when Matteo puts his words a little into perspective* *thinks that he’s right about it, of course, when he says that they’ll see each other as often as possible, but still thinks that it will be a huge difference to how it was before and especially how it was on their holiday* *grimaces slightly when he mentions this weekend and doesn’t really think that it will be easier afterwards because then - if at all, they’ll also only have the evenings to themselves and that he’ll have to go to the hospital immediately afterwards* *nods at his words, even though right now he feels like being apart from Matteo bother him much more than it does him* *wonders if it’s because Matteo will be busy - both now during the week as well as on the weekend - and thinks that then it’s somehow obvious that he doesn’t have as much time to miss him* *still thinks that this somehow sucks* *sighs quietly and nods again* Yes sure, of course… we’ll do that… *turns away from him and then reaches for the bottle of water next to the bed* *sits up and takes a sip*

Matteo: *sees David frown and even grimace slightly* *suddenly regrets having worded it so offhandedly and wonders if he might have angered David with it* *hears his answer and then sees him turn away and even sit up* *says softly* Hey… the battery isn’t fully recharged yet… *sees David continue to drink and also sits up* *turns so that he’s sitting across from him and looks at him* Hey, do you think I like that? I don’t want that, either… not at all, zero, oh a negative thousand… I… *slightly shrugs one shoulder* I thought that it’s easier if I play it down…

David: *smiles slightly when Matteo says that the battery isn’t fully charged yet, but somehow still needs a moment to himself right now* *out of the corner of his eyes he sees that Matteo also sits up, and lowers the bottle when he sits down across from him* *hears his question and shrugs* *thinks that they never really talked about it - only briefly one time when they saw the plan - and that they managed to suppress this topic quite well over the last few days and weeks* *slowly screws the lid back onto the bottle while he listens to Matteo and suddenly feels a little relieved when he hears how little Matteo wants to go to the seminar* *then shakes his head a little at his last words and murmurs* Somehow it isn’t… *then exhales slowly and says* We never really talked about it… we always kept saying that we didn’t want to think about it just yet… but the question is when do we want to think and talk about it… I don’t know, we can’t just think about the fact that you’ll be gone for three days on Thursday or Friday night… *slightly shakes his head and looks at the bottle while he quietly admits* When you played it down just now, I thought that it might not bother you as much… and that I’m maybe making a fuss and that I should pull myself together…

Matteo: *sighs slightly when he says that this somehow doesn't make it any better* *listens to him and has to agree with him* *says carefully* Maybe suppressing it wasn’t the best thing to do? *shakes his head at his last words* But I do care… a lot… and yes, maybe you’re right, maybe we should talk about it… because I have this feeling that this will happen again in the future… that there’s a lot to do, at work for me or at university for you… *grimaces slightly* And it sucks if then we’ll only suppress it… *looks at him and then says a little hesitantly* So a round of honesty, okay? I’ll start. *takes a deep breath* I have no idea how I’m supposed to manage two nights without you. I’m scared about that the most. That I’ll be lying in this stupid bed and that I’ll miss you so much that I won’t be able to sleep.

David: *smiles slightly at Matteo’s words and shakes his head* Not really, no. *looks at him again when he says that he does care and smiles again, albeit a little sadly, because he doesn’t really want them to “suffer” like this, but because he’s also relieved because apparently Matteo sees it the same way he does, after all* *then nods when he says that this will happen again and murmurs quietly* Yes, a real everyday life… *nods again, this time a little more, and exhales in relief* *smiles when he proposes a round of honesty and nods* Okay… *looks at him and listens to him* *would love to embrace him for what he’s saying, but somehow feels like right now, the distance is doing them some good so that they can concentrate better* *instead looks at him lovingly and says quietly when he finishes* I’m also scared of the nights… and that I won’t be able to fall asleep without you… *slightly shakes his head and says hesitantly* Maybe then we can simply text each other? And before we go to bed, we’ll definitely talk on the phone again? I’d say we’ll talk on the phone until the first one of us falls asleep, but I’m afraid you won’t get a single room…

Matteo: *immediately realizes that David is also scared about the nights and now understands even more why his tactic of taking it so lightly earlier wasn’t good* *immediately smiles at his suggestion* Talking on the phone sounds good… well then I’ll just go outside and we’ll text when we’re in bed… and send each other embarrassing photos that could be used against us… *really feels a little better now, because they were able to talk about it and develop mechanisms against it* *carefully nudges against his knee* Now it’s your turn… round of honesty… let it all out…

David: *grins slightly when Matteo talks about embarrassing photos, but then says a little desperately* Yes please! And not only at night in bed! The whole day! Every hour or something… *laughs quietly and lowers his gaze a little embarrassed* Yes, okay, you maybe won’t be able to manage one every hour… but… no idea… just often… *feels that talking about it did him some good and wonders why they haven’t done this much sooner* *then gets nudged against his knee and looks up at him again* *sighs quietly when he tells him that it’s his turn now and gets more serious again* I’m scared of the scope… I mean, it’s more than 50 hours… and today I was always able to cheer myself up by remembering that you’ll be back in a few hours or minutes… I think with the normal everyday life that we’re about to face it’ll be okay at some point… we’ll both be able to manage that, I’m sure of it. There will be days where it’ll be easy and days where it’ll be difficult, but even on the days where it’s difficult you can be comforted by the fact that it’ll only be a few hours until we see each other again… but an entire weekend… with so many hours… *shrugs slightly*

Matteo: *laughs slightly when he demands a photo every hour* I’ll try my best… as often as I can manage… *slightly tilts his head and listens to him* *can understand his fear and also thinks that a weekend sounds like forever and insurmountable* *suddenly has to think about his mother, who, when he didn’t want to tidy up, used to tell him to just start with one corner* *says hesitantly* You know… maybe we shouldn’t think of the weekend as a weekend…. maybe we should just think about it in smaller sections… for example, the lunch break is in three hours, then we can talk on the phone… or in 10 minutes, I can go to the bathroom again and send you a pointless message… you know, we can break up the weekend into small sections… bit by bit… hour by hour… minute by minute…

David: *smiles slightly when Matteo says that he’ll try and that he’ll get a photo as often as possible* *frowns slightly when he suggests to not think of the weekend as a weekend, and at first doesn’t quite understand what he means* *but then smiles a little when he gets it and mulls over the thought* *smiles more when he finishes and when he’s talking about breaking it up* Breaking it up, huh… *laughs quietly and nods hesitantly* I think that would really make it easier… do you think you’ll get a schedule or something like that? Of what the day will look like? Something so that we can orientate ourselves? *would really like to have something like that, so that he can imagine at least to some extent what Matteo might be doing at that moment if he misses him too much*

Matteo: *nods when David seems to understand* Exactly, break it up… *then also smiles slightly at his question* I hope so… and if not, then I’ll just ask… they’ll surely have some agenda… I’ll take a photo of it for you… *reaches his hand out for him and manages to take his hand* So we’ll try it like that, okay? And if it’s totally stupid, then we’ll tell each other straight away, alright?

David: *smiles when Matteo says that he’ll take a photo of the agenda and nods* Yes, please! *then laughs quietly* And I’ll also make you one… of my incredibly eventful weekend! *sighs quietly and realizes that he’s slowly starting to feel a little better* *entwines their fingers when Matteo takes his hand and looks at him* *nods at his questions* We will! *then tilts his head a little and asks with a smile* Anything else for the round of truth? Anything you’re scared of, anything that sucks, anything that we have suppressed talking about?

Matteo: *laughs slightly when he says that he’ll also make one* Very good, then we can coordinate the times when we’ll talk on the phone… *automatically tilts his head, as well, when David does* *slightly presses his lips together when he hears his question, because he has to think about the mastectomy* *but doesn’t know if he should mention it, because there isn’t a solution to make it any different* *but thinks that they are honest and that they said that they shouldn’t suppress it any longer* *sighs slightly* Your surgery… well I know we already talk about it… and I actually also know what’s about to happen and what the risks are and such, but… I’m still scared, and sometimes… when I think about it then I have to force myself not to think about it, because… otherwise I’ll get scared… *takes a deep breath and then adds* And I know that you’re really looking forward to it and I’m also really happy for you, but I’m still scared.

David: *nods immediately when Matteo mentions the mastectomy, because just then he realizes that this is also a topic that they are very good at suppressing and postponing really talking about* *listens to him seriously and wishes once again that he could somehow relieve him of this fear, but is pretty much aware of the fact that that’s not really possible* *slightly shakes his head when he finishes and squeezes his hand* Matteo, I don’t doubt for even a second that you’re not happy for me! The one thing doesn’t have anything to do with the other, okay? *sighs quietly and thinks about what he could say about his fear and eventually says hesitantly* And I think it's totally and absolutely legitimate to be scared. I sometimes feel like you think someone would judge you for being scared for me. But that’s not the case. And even if, then just screw them. You’re allowed to be scared! And you’re also allowed to say that you’re scared. And even though there’s no solution or cure or anything about the fear at that moment… *slightly shakes his head* … no idea… then it might be some use if you’re not alone with that fear? *shrugs one shoulder and looks at him carefully* I don’t know… is that any use? *scoots a little closer to him and tenderly runs his hand through his hair and over his cheek* *then leaves his hand there and says quietly* I’m also scared! *knows that his fear isn’t comparable to Matteo’s and also feels more happiness and disbelief than fear, but thinks that it might be important for Matteo to hear that he’s not the only one who’s scared* *therefore adds* And Laura… and my mother… and Linn…

Matteo: *smiles slightly when he confirms that he knows that he’s happy for hom* *finds it good to hear that he can separate that* *swallows slightly when he says that it’s legitimate to be scared and that it’s nothing that you have to hide* *then hears his question and slightly shrugs one shoulder* *doesn’t really know if it will help* Dunno… maybe… *presses his lips together when he says that he’s also scared and when he lists even more people who are scared* *doesn’t think that this helps him very much because the fear is his fear* *tries to put that into words* I don’t know… of course other people are also scared, I know that… but I think that doesn’t really help… that’s their fear and not mine… I just have to learn to somehow deal with my fear…

David: *tenderly strokes his cheek again, but then lets go of him again to give him the necessary space to think* *listens to him and nods hesitantly* *still takes a moment to understand what he means and asks hesitantly* And did you… *slightly shakes his head and stops, because at that moment he realizes something different* *smiles slightly and asks hesitantly* Wanting, not having to, right? Well you don’t /have/ to learn how to deal with it, you rather /want/ to, don’t you? *shrugs one shoulder* Sorry, I was somehow thinking about your grandmother… *then takes a deep breath and gets serious again* *then does pick up his question from the beginning, after all* Did you already try something? Or do you have any ideas what you might try? *thinks that suppressing and avoiding might not be the best strategy*

Matteo: *looks a little confused when he stops his question* *but then has to smile immediately when he corrects himself* True… I /want/ to learn how to deal with it… *smiles slightly* It’s okay, she’s right… *tilts his head when he then asks his question* *fumbles with the blanket with his free hand* Hmmm, well, yes, I try to rationalize it… well I try to argue with myself with logic… that statistically speaking, it’s totally unlikely that you won’t be able to tolerate the anesthesia… that the success rate of your surgeon is very high… stuff like that… *shrugs one shoulder* Sometimes it works better, sometimes not so much…

David: *smiles when Matteo laughs and agrees with him about his grandmother* *then listens to him, humms in agreement and nods slowly* *has to think about the fact that this was one of the methods that he used to utilize with his therapist and that he used to tell him that it’s all a matter of practise* Hmm, but that’s already a good start… *hesitates briefly and then says a little hesitant and disjointedly* Back then, when I was doing so badly… the weeks before I came to Berlin… I also had a lot of fears back then… and some of them weren’t really rational, either… that was the time when I wasn’t able to sleep. Then I suddenly had thoughts such as… no idea… if I go pee at school, what if they’re lying in wait for me in the bathroom… what happens if they come into the changing rooms during PE… what happens if they have connections and cause my name change and change of personal status to be rejected… and I had dreams that kept coming back… that I will no longer get a prescription for testo and that my transition goes the wrong way… or that my hair suddenly grows again and I wasn’t able to find scissors to cut them again… stuff like that… *slightly shakes his head as if to pull himself out of his thoughts* *sighs quietly and looks at Matteo* *doesn’t really want to talk about himself and therefore quickly adds why he told him about that* And back then, my therapist had a few different methods that he showed me and that we tried… *grins slightly* One of them was exercise and burning off energy… because when you exercise you don’t think that much and because you’re able to fall asleep faster if you burnt off energy and because you’re too tired to think… that’s probably not an option for you, is it? *then gets more serious again* But also relaxation methods… progressive muscle relaxation and certain types of meditation… *shrugs one shoulder* But that wasn’t really my thing because I found it difficult to really relax… but maybe it would be an option for you…? *absentmindedly unscrews the water bottle again and takes a sip* Well and one method… that actually worked quite well eventually… it’s similar to what you’re already doing, just… somehow more visual… *briefly gnaws on his bottom lip and then has to chuckle slightly* *slightly shakes his head* I don’t want to somehow give you therapy or anything… I’m not even able to do that, anyways… but if you want to, then I can show you… *shrugs one shoulder* Maybe it’ll also be helpful for you…

Matteo: *listens to him when he talks and would really like to hug him right now* *but can also feel that he’s actually getting at something different and that they’re not done yet* *smiles slightly when he mentions burning off energy* No, I don’t think that’s my thing… *then nods slightly when he mentions relaxation* *thinks that before he met David, he sometimes really did something like that, with music or with weed, even though that probably wasn’t the best method* *then laughs slightly when he says that he doesn’t want to give him therapy* It’s okay… *nods hesitantly when he says that he can show him* Yes, I’d like that…

David: *grins slightly when Matteo confirms that burning off energy probably isn’t his thing and murmurs quietly* I thought so… *then sees him nod at his words about relaxation, but can’t really say much on that topic and thinks that someone else would have to show that to Matteo or that he would have to do research on it* *eventually smiles slightly when he agrees that he can show him the method and can feel that he’s a little nervous and flustered, because he hopes that Matteo won’t find it stupid and that it might help him in the long run* *takes a deep breath and scoots a little closer to him so that they’re sitting cross-legged and facing each other* Okay… *looks at him* There are three steps… or phases… whatever… and you have to keep repeating them… the aim is, in the long haul, to replace the negative images in your head with positive ones… *hesitates, but then reaches for his hand, because he always found the first phase to be pretty difficult and he doesn’t want Matteo to feel a lone with it* *says quietly* Close your eyes… *waits for Matteo to close his eyes, swallows slightly because somehow he finds it so unbelievable that Matteo trusts him so much that he goes along with all of that* *quietly clears his throat and then says* And now you have to deliberately think about the thing you’re scared of… imagine your fears as images… well… no idea… an image of me lying in bed and… *stops because he doesn’t want to say it out loud* *instead says* ...well basically your worst images of what might happen… *squeezes his hand a little to signal him that he’s here and that actually everything is good*

Matteo: *smiles slightly when David also sits down cross-legged* Okay… *also looks at him* *then listens to him attentively* Three phases, okay… *looks at him in surprise when he takes his hand, but squeezes it, anyways* *immediately closes his eyes when David tells him to* *takes a deep breath and exhales and tries to relax* *but then swallows hard when he hears his first request* *thinks about David in a hospital bed, with his eyes closed and not moving* *but mostly thinks about that because David has started like that* *but realizes that this isn’t the worst, because this way, he can at least see David* *therefore thinks about a doctor that tells him that he’s in critical condition and that he can’t see David and that he isn’t able and allowed to tell him anything else* *swallows again and squeezes his eyes shut a little tighter* *nods slightly to indicate that he’s imagining it*

David: *is quiet and watches Matteo closely and a little worriedly* *sees him swallow and hopes that it won’t be too bad for him* *sees him squeeze his eyes shut after a while and would like to hug him, but doesn’t want to disrupt his concentration* *then sees him nod and says quietly* Okay… and now really imagine this image as a literal image… as a photo or poster or placard… as something that you can destroy… and then think about how you could destroy it… hmmm… you could tear it up and throw it in the trash… or burn it… or pour paint over it… or a beaver could come along and eat it… *smiles slightly and then says* But definitely something that completely destroys the image, okay? *is quiet again and gives him time to imagine it*

Matteo: *can still see the doctor in his mind’s eye who coldly and without emotion tells him one bad piece of information after the other* *needs a moment until he’s able to concentrate on David’s voice* *manages to freeze the image of the doctor and imagine it as a poster* *would normally laugh about the thing with the beaver, but is too concentrated right now* *imagines red paint that he pours over the poster* *but then thinks that this reminds him of blood and changes it to blue* *sees the blue paint run down over the image and then gives a slight nod again*

David: *watches Matteo again and gives him the time he needs* *eventually sees him give a slight nod again, but isn’t sure and therefore asks quietly* Is the image destroyed completely? *sees him nod more clearly this time and nods as well, takes a deep breath and then says* Okay… now it’s about creating a new image in your mind… now you have to think about how the image you just destroyed would have looked like if the thing had a positive outcome… What does the image you wish for that situation look like? An image you’re no longer scared of… for example, the doctor telling you that everything went well… or that I’m waking up from anesthesia and that I’m happy to see you or something like that… *slightly presses his lips together because he knows that it’s difficult to imagine a positive image if you’re actually scared, but hopes that Matteo will manage* *runs his thumb over the back of his hand almost automatically*

Matteo: *can still see the paint running down and that eventually he can no longer see the doctor* *hears David ask again and nods more vigorously* *then listens to him further and almost has to smile when he mentions a doctor, because he couldn’t actually have known that this was his image* *takes a deep breath* *feels David’s thumb and manages to imagine a doctor again* *is a little surprised that it’s the same doctor* *tries to imagine a different one but keeps going back to the first one* *tries harder and finally sees him with a more friendly and open expression* *smiles when he tells him that everything went well and that there weren’t any complications and that he can go see David now* *nods and smiles slightly*

David: *watches Matteo again and is quiet to give him time to concentrate* *eventually sees him smile and feels heart do a little jump and that he also has to smile automatically* *eventually sees him nod again and says quietly* And now try to memorize that image for a moment… *waits a few more seconds and watches him, but then has to lean forward and quickly kiss him* *whispers against his lips* That’s it… *pulls away from him again and waits for him to open his eyes again* *looks at him lovingly because he finds it so great that Matteo went along with this* *explains* That’s the method which sometimes really helped me a lot… and that’s all a matter of practise… the more often you play this out in your head, the easier it is to get to the positive images. And the goal is actually supposed to be that your brain automatically replaces some of the negative thoughts with the positive ones. But in my case, that didn’t work for all my fears… but with some of them, it did… *shrugs one shoulder again and smiles a little insecurely* Well… maybe it’ll also help you a little bit… the first step is really hard. To really visualize your fear and to not suppress it like you’re used to… *presses his lips together, because he has talked so much now and because he also wants to give Matteo the chance to get a word in in case he wants to talk about how he found that experience* *but could also understand if he can’t or doesn’t want to say too much about it*

Matteo: *memorizes the image* *then suddenly feels David’s lips on his and smiles immediately* *wets his lips a little after David leans back again and only then opens his eyes* *finds it pretty wonderful to see him* *listens to him and nods slightly* Well, I think that was good… just destroying the image already helps… *nods slightly* But the question is if it will also help in an acute situation, if I’m really scared and if I can’t just conjure up that fear like I did just now… *leans forward and lightly kisses him again* But still thanks… I think that this will help me…

David: *smiles and nods when Matteo says that the destroying helps* Exactly… *grins slightly* ...and eventually, you also get creative with doing it… there are so many ways to destroy something… *then nods again when he’s talking about an acute situation and says hesitantly* Yes, that’s why it’s important to keep practising it… so if you notice a fear coming up, then don’t suppress it and use this method instead… or just do it very consciously - even though you don’t have any fears at that moment… *smiles slightly and shrugs one shoulder* That used to be my therapist’s homework… that I should constantly imagine scary situations, even though it wasn’t acute at that moment… he said that this method has to become a routine so that you can also use it in acute situations… *sighs quietly* But oftentimes it’s really not that easy… *is talking from experience* *smiles when Matteo thanks him and tenderly strokes over his cheek when he leans forward to kiss him* *murmurs* You’re welcome… thanks for going along with it… *then wraps his arms around him so that he can’t move away again and pulls him back into a horizontal position - a little awkwardly as they are both still sitting down cross-legged* *thinks that they have been apart for long enough now* *is quiet with him for a moment and waits to see if he wants to say anything else to his fears* *in the meantime thinks about how good it felt that they talked about it - about the Voluntary-Year-weekend as well as the mastectomy, and eventually says hesitantly and quietly to also get it out of his mind* Honesty round part 4… I’m scared of the pain after the surgery…

Matteo: *also grins slightly when he says that you eventually get creative* *nods when he says something about practising and homework* I will… I want to get a better handle on it… *is happy when David doesn’t let go of him again and manages a little awkwardly to disentangle his legs so that they can lie down again* *has one arm wrapped around him and sees David lie down on his shoulder* *just enjoys lying there with him for a moment and thinks about the method and if he’ll really manage to deal with his fears better* *then hears David’s quiet words and automatically pulls him closer* *also says quietly* I can understand that… but we’re all there for you and we’ll make it as easy for you as we can manage, I promise.

David: *smiles when Matteo says that he wants to get a better handle on his fears and hopes that he’ll really manage it and that he won’t do too badly on the day of the surgery* *then puts his head down on Matteo’s shoulders and wraps an arm tightly around his chest* *humms in agreement at his words and murmurs* I know… *briefly gnaws on his bottom lip and then admits hesitantly and quietly* ...but… I don’t want everyone to see me like that… so… no idea… weak or something… I mean, with you it’s okay… really… with you I can be weak and don’t feel small in the process… but with the others it’s really difficult for me… *knows that Matteo can’t be there for him all the time because he has to work and briefly thinks about with whom else he wouldn’t have a problem with showing weakness without feeling small in front of that person*

Matteo: *sighs slightly when he says that he doesn’t want everyone to see him like that* *knows that he can’t always be there* I should have found something else… something that only starts in October… *squeezes him a little tighter and presses a kiss to his head* But you can always text me, ok? Or send me voice messages if typing is too exhausting… *humphs slightly and thinks* Isn’t there anyone else where you at least don’t mind them helping you a little?

David: *immediately shakes his head when Matteo says that he should have found something different and briefly looks up at him annoyed* Are you crazy!? What nonsense… your Voluntary Year is just as important, you hear?! *then nods at his suggestion and smiles immediately* Yes, that’s good! Sometimes just letting it out already helps… *looks at him seriously* But you have to promise me that you’ll still concentrate on Lambda and that you won’t drop everything just because I tell you that something hurts, okay? For me it’s enough to know that I can be like that with you… that I can whine… *then sighs quietly at his question and puts his head back onto his shoulder* Phew… dunno… *thinks about all the people and immediately rules out Hans and Linn, because they would probably panic immediately* *doesn’t really want to show weakness in front of Laura, either - on the one hand because right now she already tends to patronize him currently, anyways, and on the other hand, because he doesn’t want her to worry* *thinks about the friends and immediately rules out the girls* *then thinks about the boys and the fact that Carlos is out, anyways, because he also has to work and Abdi would probably be pretty helpless* *eventually says hesitantly* Jonas or Alex maybe… *shrugs one shoulder* I’ll see… *has to chuckle a little* Maybe I’ll just test who has the best reaction after my first cry of pain…

Matteo: *laughs slightly when David immediately reacts so strongly* Yeees, sure… I didn’t do that, anyways… *then nods immediately* I promise… if you promise me that you’ll really rest and that you’ll really whine at me about EVERYTHING    that bothers and hurts you, okay? *looks down to him when he doesn’t really know from whom he would accept help* *secretly guesses Alex or Carlos* *then hears that he was close* Not Carlos? I thought Carlos… oh no, he also has to work, right. *then also grins a little at his last sentence* Good tactic… but if you ask me, then you already picked two good candidates… they wouldn’t caudle you too much, but they would still be there whenever you need something.

David: *smiles when Matteo promises to still concentrate on Lambda* *then laughs quietly* About /everything/?!? *tilts his head and looks at him with a chuckle* Even if I don’t like the food or if it bothers me that it’s raining outside or that there’s nothing on the TV!? *laughs again quietly and puts his head down onto his shoulder* *was just about to tell Matteo that Carlos has to work when he asks about him, therefore simply nods* Exactly… *then nods when he agrees with him when it comes to Jonas and Alex, cuddles a little closer to him and closes his eyes for a moment* *murmurs* Let’s wait and see… maybe the pain won’t be that bad… *pushes one of his legs between Matteo’s to be even closer to him and says after some time* Let’s try to not suppress or postpone stuff like that anymore… that was good, wasn’t it?

Matteo: *laughs slightly when he hears his examples* Definitely… I want to know everything. *buries his hand in David’s hair when he cuddles even closer* *then nods slightly* Yes, maybe… but please still take it easy and rest. *wraps his other arm around David, as well* *then nods slightly at his words* Yes… that was good… better than suppressing it… *kisses his head and closes his eyes* But now let’s just lie like this for a while… and then I want another helping of pasta casserole and for you to show me the song you found…

David: *smiles when he feels Matteo’s hand in his hair* *nods against his neck when he demands again that he rests* *murmurs into his shoulder* I’ll rest. I promise! *smiles when Matteo also cuddles closer and repeats quietly* Yes, better than suppressing it… *kisses his neck and then rubs his nose over the spot* *then relaxes and nods slightly at Matteo’s words* *murmurs quietly and with a smile* Yes, sir…

(next play)

[by-anana]

Summary of Foggy Mind

Oh hello there!

It's been a while since I post something. I know... no one reads this, Still, I post and type what's on my mind right now. hoping someone can spend a bit of their time to read.

Honestly, this site is my safe space when my mind is in chaos. I go here to read or just browse some good quality pictures of EXO or try to write something when I'm not okay and save it to 'Drafts'. Hopefully, I can post any from my drafts soon. for now... I don't know. I'm tired and I really don't know what's going on with me even I know that my life right now circles at work, get home and pat my dogs and cat's head, a one day rest day, binge watch Grey's Anatomy and an everyday questions from my parents "what time is your work tomorrow?". how boring is that? I have no social life. I do message my friends just to spill what's on my mind and I only get is they already read my message. do they? I don't think they do, they are busy with their lives too and that's okay. So, yeah. I have no one to talk to.

Last January 23, 2024 I was on my last day of 'Vacation Leave' and I'm not really fine that day. I was confused, I don't understand what's really going on with me. to think that the next day I will be in reality again where I should get up from the bed and go to work. I'm really tired. but hey! I still take something in stride without any idea what will happen next. On January 26, my friend post on instagram about her Birthday last January 23. Our dear friend who is already living in London gave her a birthday cake. I feel so upset that I forgot her birthday. I have a reminder from a calendar on my phone but I didn't notice. Even I don't have a reminder for their birthday I know when is their birthday! but I'm upset that I don't remember her, I was on my phone the whole day while watching Grey's Anatomy, trying not to mind what's troubling with me that I don't understand. I don't greet her a 'Belated Happy Birthday' as I feel so bad. So, on February 10, our friend who I mention earlier too celebrates her birthday on February 10 but I don't greet her to be fair with the other. I think, they thought that I forgot them already.

As days passed by, I let myself roll with the punches again. I feel uncertain, demotivated to go at work. I don't know.

The day before Valentine's Day my manager asked me why I don't try to go on tinder to have someone already and I said "No" and my coworker just ask me out of nowhere to go on tinder and I said No again. As I am afraid of people already, I hate f-ck boys too, I'm afraid that I'm gonna meet that kind of person. I'm fine not having a boyfriend but seeing a lot of couples on Valentines makes me have a second thoughts but my mind slaps me with reality that I don't want to have someone, I'm afraid that people will leave me because it's me, I'm not pretty, I'm overweight, my teeth isn't nice, I have a chaotic mind that if ever I'll be comfortable to tell someone everything... they might feel drained and leave me. I'm afraid to have someone and I don't want people to destroy me again. So, I rather be alone and fight with my silent battles. I can live alone even when it's sad and hard.

Time check... 11:54 PM. I think I share a lot today. Maybe that's it? maybe I'll be back here when I cry on the bus again on my way home or when I can write everything down.

Ciao!

[foursdarkdays]

i like a girl lol

Sooooooooooooo ummm the title of this rant? would be "i like a girl" lmaooo Soooooo yeah theres a girl i kinda like?? its nothing serious tho but yeah i like her ig, she's not really my type tho but idk . She treats me so well i cant help it. i feel things lol. I keep checking my phone every second of the day (just did again) and it sucksssss. She kinda likes me back? atleast thats what she says . but idk i dont think so. The possibility is too narrow but yeah.

She has a boyfriend lol and its not like i care tbh cause its not like i wanna make her cheat on him something i mean she wouldnt and i wouldnt want her to. Also i know this isjust a phase for her and itll go away soon. for her or for me. Yk know i cant like someone for long especially if i dont see a possibilty of us dating. so yeah im gonna go with the flow rn. She told me that she had a crush on me since months tho but again ahh i dont think so. maybe shes overthinking . maybe she just wants to be my friend.

anywayyy soo im just going with the flow. we flirt a lot. we blush a lot. Thta bitch flirts with othets and makes me jealous lmao dumb fuck and i do the same bwahaah. sooooo yeahhhh i know after whatever this thing is ends im gonna be sad af for 2 weeks i think? cause we talk so much and its gonna be lonely. but again im a pro at moving on soooooooooo

7/10/23 (1:51am)

(im gonna keep adding the rants)

and the best thing about this is that i'm very well prepared for the heartbreak so im sure it wont hurt much lol im actually very sure about that. I always expect the worst in these things so its going to be chill. I'm sure shell come out of this phase soon and it will only be a memory for both of us. mostly in a good away tho. I'm not gonna take this too seriously and just have fun. you're flirting? okay ill flirt back. you're treating me well? ill do the same yeah thats it lol

i have a strong gut feeling that this is gonna end soon like 3-4 days? i dont know. lets see

7/10/23 (18:25)

Oh wow soooo it almost ended that day lollll but then yeah we kinda talked it out? Anyways i feel like something changed after that. I think in a good way? The obsession feelings decreased and maybe the good friendship feelings increased? I honestly have no idea and i should probably stop trying to figure it out lol. Anyway now I'm back and i think she doesn't like me anymore. Maybe I'm just over thinking? But lol nvm let's see how it goes

11/10/23 (2:05am)

Lmao bitch read this post. anyways im gonna act like no one knows about this account. Its soooooo scary i know i've told this before but its just really scary. See i have trust in myself that if IF something goes wrong ill move on fast, OKAY WHY AM I OVERTHINKING AGAIN. lets fuck this. SHES SO CUTE IM SO OBSESSED I HATE HER SO MUCH. ITS SO MUCH FUN TALKING TO HER. even though sometimes i really wanna push her off a cliff but its okay. I wanna write so much but im blank again wtf

14/10/23 (01:48am)

Why do i feel like she hates me now. Maybe she'll finally lose feelings. i mean yeah thats okay and understandable but it'll be too sudden so idk. I'm ready for anything at this point . I wanna text her but i guess ill give her space. I'll just distract myself and sleep. She has nooooooo idea about the amount of over thinking im doing rn. im so sure shes done with me and will never see my face again. lemme prepare myself. Thankfully im veryyy tired so ill fall asleep easily.

14/10/23 (9:22 pm)

i randomly have such sudden outbursts of love for this baby. i want to cup her face and kiss her whole face , i want to hug her to my chest and kiss her head and baby the fuck out of her. She's gonna cringe reading this (please dont). I want to like put our foreheads together and close my eyes and feel it yk??? i sound soooooo weird. Please dont be creeped out

15/10/23 (10;02pm)

I like her so much like so so so so so so much. Its very scary and i know for a fact that i will be hurt later but ugh its sooooo worth it. I'm sooooo happy with her. The feelings keep growing and i dont think im gonna let it stop. its okay ill let it grow. yoloooo sooo ahhhhh. We just had a pubg date sksksksk shes soooooooo ahhhhh. She flirts so confidently , i was panicking behind the pubg call sksknjiuck. anywaysssss ugh I want to kiss her sooooooooooooooooo bad like fuckkkkkkkkkk i wanttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!.

20/10/23 (01:13am)

Hiii so idk bro she says she's more obsessed with me but obviously i disagree. I think i really fell harder lol I mean it's scary af but anyways. Idk she can go for hoursssss without talking to me and be fine and me ? Lolllllll I try to text back whenever I can but she doesn't do that. Maybe I'm asking too much. Okay i should chill out fr. I don't wanna depend on anyone lol. I only want fun stuff here even though i know I'm kinda in deep but anyways it'll be okay. I know she's putting a lot of effort i shouldn't complain. I'm getting more than i deserve anyway. And I AM happy af. I just miss her i guess. I sound sooooo stupid. Ugh I hope she doesn't read this

21/10/23 (17:12)

(23/10/23) 1:40am

She didn't text me back today. But I'm gonna be understanding. I don't want to overthink. Not today . There are so many possibilities and i wanna listen to her . I really want to be understanding. Because i genuinely care . I didn't text her back till 2pm due to some valid reasons tho but anyway I feel calm now. I texted in our gc and she seen zoned but maybe she has her reasons . Let's see . I don't want to think about anything. I really hope she's alright .

It's like i want her to text me about her day and all but then I don't want to expect much i don't want her to do zyada also idk she's already treating me nicely and it makes me happy. Its honestly more than enough and I don't want to be greedy.

23/10/23 (19:12)

okay sooo ummm the reality is hitting me these days. I was okay being the side chick but its really hitting me lol. Its not like she makes me feel that way nahhh she shows that she cares. Its just that idk maybe im only stupid. she flirts with others and sends me screenshots and everytime she does that i lose little feelings. Even though she does that for fun idk. If she keeps doing this, i might actually lose feelings lol idk how to tell her that. I dont wanna bicker or anything i dont have the strenght and anyway she'll be like nooo i do it for fun only because im cool. **heavy sigh** nvm . but should i let her know? communication is good yk. i guess ill try tonight. if she doesnt fall asleep. Okay ill tell her that, rest is her wish lol .

oh yeah btw todays our 1 month anniversary???? ehehehehe

okay she fell asleep, shes really sick so i hope she feels better soon.

but anyway i keep feeling stupid lmaoooooo i need to stop feeling this way and accept it. Thats the only way lol

21:23 (30/10/23)

Wah its been long, soooo umm idk we kinda had a disagreement? i honestly dont know what that was but yeah im 1000% sure that it wasnt my fault. i took my time to write and explain everything but nah i guess shes mad at me? ofcourse she is. we didnt talk the whole day and its kinda driving me crazy but im trying to look normal. I wont text her first , not because i have ego or anything but because im not at fault here. She took things a little too far and i got triggered. But again i did explain her everything like why it triggered me and all because i didnt want any misunderstanding. But yeah shes mad at me for that? i honestly dont know what to do. is this the end of us? i dont want it to end like this. I'm not ready but i also wont text first. She needs to own up to her mistakes. I miss her. I miss her so much . please text me ughh .

its okay i guess. this is like a break for us i think i dont know how this will end up

22:56(7/11/23)

lmao i got on with a lot of thoughts in my head but as usual im black again. sooo i cant stop thinking about her and its scaring the shit out of me. Atp im pushing myself to go out with friends and family just to divert myself from thinking about her lmaooo yeah its that bad. The worst part is even k-pop idols are not helping me this time. Its always her on my mind. But ill try my best to distract myself because i feel very one sided. Its prolly not but kinda is . idk. But i'm also behaving the same way with her ig? i talk about idols and behave like they're the only ones on my mind when its absolutely false. I'm sure its not the same for her tho. she really isnt that whipped for me lol. and thats okay. ill keep trying to calm myself down . BUTTT the more i try the more i think. What do i do?

05:36am (17/11/2023)

we had a talk yesterday and it hit a nerve, It hit a wrong spot and now idk what i feel anymore. It was hurting. My heart felt like it would explode. I felt too much that i dont feel it now. No i'm not over her. It'll take time for sure but something snapped for sure. I'm taking a break today, from her. I need to analyze my feelings and emotions and think. I need to be ready for whatever is about to come. and i will be, Im strong and i can do it.

I never spoke about this or wrote it here but i think i should now. I need to analyze my feelings and write it out. I like her. i like her a lot. It was all happy happy at first, just us flirting. It wasnt that serious. But it did get serious later. A lot of feelings got involved. I know i know that she has a boyfriend and that i am a second option. I know its genuine and she really likes me. But i sometimes i wish the other way around. Everytime she mentions her boyfriend, its like a stab in my heart and reality hits me. I get distant for a bit. idk if she notices. its not her fault tho, I cant talk to people about this because i know what they're gonna say. "its all your fault, you knew she was taken but you still chased her. its all on you. you"re stupid for even hoping or wanting something from a straight taken woman" oh dont even get me started on how much it hurts when she tells me shes straight. Its gives me mixed signals. she says she wants to kiss me, hold me and do things with me and then she says shes straight. see i know sexuality is not an easy thing, it takes a lot of time and courage and thinking to come to a conclusion and tbh its okay even if she doesnt, but i cant stop my feelings and my overthinking. what if she doesnt really like me and its really just a phase shes going through. because im confident about the way i feel. i like women, i like her, romantically , emotionally and sexually.

i want her. i want her so bad even if its for a month, i want to experience how it feels like to be in a real relationship with her but i know its impossible. Like that equation doesnt even exist.

yesterday night, when she told me she loved me. i couldnt say it back. I didnt have enough energy to feel things because my heart was already hurting. Thats why im taking a break from her today, Her calling me baby , princess and whatever cute things she does , its making me feel guilty. She shouldnt do those things for me, but i want it . i dont know what im typing honeslty. i just want her so bad but i know i shouldnt. i NEED to tone down now . from my side, ill take the love shes giving me, also reciprocate. but not more than that because even i feel guilty and shes going through things because of me, she says its worth it but is it? i know that one day both of us will move on from this. I'm pretty sure we're gonna think about this and laugh but right now i want her, But i also dont , But i do. lol.

14:04 (21/11/23)

Hi, lol. I feel so much for her. like so so so so much. what we have is so precious and important to me. i dont want to let her go. As a girlfriend, yeah i guess one day we'll have to part, but as a friend? i dont want to lose her. I may sound greedy but along with her girlfriend(idk what we are but lets pretend im her girlfriend) right now, i also want to be her second best friend. Is it too much to ask ? i mean i guess it is. It hasnt been that long but our emotional bond is too strong and idk if ill ever find it anywhere else. Even if i dooo ugh idk i just want her for a long time. Even after we break up and take our time off, i want her to talk to me. This may sound selfish but yeah. I still want her to come nag to me, complain about things and share her problems, emotions etc. Relationship issues, marital issues, friendship issues, work related issues, family issues, financial issue etc like literally anyyything. I want her to feel comfy with me, I will never force her tho. I just hope things turn out this way instead of us completely falling apart. Because if it breaks , im sure itll take more than 2 years for me to open up tp anyone again. After my last ex best friend , i really shut myself off and it was lonely. I do have friends and i know they are always there for me but i cant open up to them. emotionally. But with her i can. So i want her , need her for a long time. We may drift . life is unpredictable and people change so its okay but i hope both of us try our best. I know she said she ignores and ghosts her close friends when she feels something is off and then they drift apart but i want her to really try for us. Idk if it will be worth it for her but i want her to try because i know i will. unless she wants otherwise. lol why am i having such emotions today? this is the first time im feeling this way. with us i mean. okay ill stop now.

26/11/23 22:30

I think I'm in love lol idk I tried so much to not be 'in' love and to just love her but I think I failed at it. I'm even scared to admit it to myself because I'm a coward. I still don't want to admit it to myself. I love her so much . I feel so stupid for loving someone who loves someone else. I was never like this. What is wrong with me? Idk but can it be helped? No. I know I'll move on in the future and everything will fall into place but right now ugh i love her and I feel stupid af. Like really really stupid. I'm never telling this to anyone tho. They'll make fun of me lol. They won't understand. I myself don't understand anything. I'm giving away so much of myself and it's going to take a lot of time for me to get it back like after we break up. Anyways I hope she gets well soon. She must be in a lot of pain. It hurts to even think that she might be in pain ughhhh stupid**inserts my name* get it together.

Come back soon . I feel like a zombie without you

Lol I just looked at my instgram activity and was wondering why I had spent 4 hours on Instagram yesterday when we didn't even talk. Then I realised that we did. It has only been a day but it feels like weeks? Wtf? What is going on with me. I'm scared I'm so so scared.

28/11/23 (23:43)

Happy 2 months to us lol sksksk anyways I didn't miss her yesterday. Probably because I was dealing with my own shit . Doesn't mean I like her any less. I still care . I hope she feels better soon

30/11/23 (00:19)

I googled the recovery rate and the death rate of dengue and I'm more paranoid now. Maybe I'm crying too much because I'm sick . I cry a lot when I fever like it heightens whatever I feel and now I'm worried about everything. Myself , her ahhh.

This is way too scary. New fear unlocked. I don't wanna say it but ugh just the thought of your loved one not being there hurts lol. I think I'll never move on from it. Never. So dear universe or whoever is listening to me , you've been mean to me these days , there are only 2 things that I want the most right now. The most. And I'll do anything for it. 1. Her getting well soon. 2. I need freedom from my life . Which means moving away to another country. I need these so bad. I don't care if I don't die anymore. I know I've always wanted to die and that was the only prayer in my head but now no. I want these 2 . Please please please. I won't be able to take it please ahh I'm crying again. I'm never getting attached to anyone again.

It's December already, please please please I promise that if these two things happen, I WILL NEVER NEVER EVER think about killing myself again. I promise this. I really really really promise you. But , if not , then that's it. You know I've always wanted to die , ever since 2011, so I'm giving up on this if I get the things I want. Atleast the 1st one. I won't be able to live at all.

Why am I crying so much. It's too much to handle. I feel like the nerves in my head will tear open with the strain. Its been long since I cried so much . I know I'm over thinking but why can't I fucking stop. STOP. Okay I'll just sleep .

1/12/23 (00:05)

I didnt miss her at all these last 3 days but i think i miss her a little today. I suddenly think about her and feel like crying. This is not because i miss her but idk. I feel like every bad thing happened to me at once and my mental health is at stake. 1. her being extremely sick with that deadly virus? whatever it is. 2. My uni thing. 3 me falling sick as well. i cant control my emotions when im sick. especiallllyyyy fever. i feel so weak and that stupid fever aftertaste on my tongue is making me wanna puke. i think im sleeping a lot these days. like 16 hours a day or something, maybe physcial and mental exhaustion is catching up to me. fuck this life . anygays idk i hope something good happens please. i wanna cry again lol. crying feels nice all of a sudden . its all because im sick lol. i guess ugh idk fuck this

i slept on the couch yesterday night, i think ill do the same tonight lol. i always sleep on the couch when im sick i guess??? ah im sleepy again. prolly med effect. ill eat and sleep now. i hope my baby feels almost better tomorrow. wow im sleepy af all of a sudden . no energy i think ill fall off byee

01/11/23 (20:16)

Lol i haven't written in so long ahhh yeah idk it's going okay I guess. We were having a call on gmeet with another friend of mine and she spoke about her boyfriend today. Idk what happened to me and why it happened but I cried wtf? Like wtf?????? Idk what to do anymore. It's reality I know but it's hurting. I know I'm just a ummm what am I again? No one omg fuck this

03:20 (18/11/23)

i love you

22:36(uk time zone) 11/02/24

Ah i need you so bad but i yeah i should be understanding. I’ll be. But know that i need you so bad like emotionally but im not brave enough to text you .

15/02/24 1:14pm

I love you . It feels sad now . When i think about her, my brain makes me sad lol. Whenever i imagine fake scenarios with her my brain keeps constantly reminding me that im just delulu and nothing will ever happen. I already know that but lemme be happy? i keep thinking about the break up that will happen soon when she gets engaged. I know there’s time, there’s a lot of time but i can’t stop thinking about it. It’s like it’s always there at the back of my mind. I just wanna be delulu , carefree and happy. I don’t wanna think much okay bye

29/02/24(2:30am)

I hope you dont see this but I’m so sorry. There are so many thoughts running in my head rn. I feel like im ruining something perfect. i mean you and him. I know nothing will change , yall are the end game and i dont want that to change. But the guilt is hittinf me these days. Am i that bad? Am i that selfish? What am i supposed to do? Shouldi stop? I dont want to stop but i dont want to be so selfish. Am i really a homewrecker? fuck

(12:06)

[mntalbrakdown]

Late Night Walks - T. Holland

masterlist!

mentions of: nothing that i know of just fluff

synopsis: you decided to walk around the neighborhood with Tom. Having a blast, talking, and playing ding-dong ditch

a/n: lowkey kinda ass but also good in a weird way. also sorry for grammar mistakes or typos. (felt like i had to post today)

It was late at night. To be exact it was 8:45 pm. Tom and you were laying in the couch watching some boring tv programs. You were laying your head on Tom’s lap while he was playing with your hair. You let out a loud huff grabbing Tom’ attention.

“What’s wrong darling” he says looking down at your eyes

“I’m so bored” you say meeting his dazzling dark eyes

“What would you like to do?” Tom is still making knots in your hair

“How do you feel about going on a walk?” you say tapping on your chin

“It’s pretty late love” He acts like a parent

“Yeah but it’s pretty outside” you knew because you went to throw out the trash and saw the full moon and stars

“Put your shoes on” he says trying ti get up. You ran to the front door to put on your spider-man shoes you made yourself with some embroidery and old beat up converse.

“looking classy” you say dancing with your feet. Tom smiles kissing the top of your head. Grabbing the keys from the door frame.

“Why did you want to go on a walk so badly” Tom holds in to your hands which were warm. He loved the warmth, you in the other hand loved the cold. He was always cold, and you were always warm. You were both basically the Yin-Yang.

“Its cold, and it’s a full moon” you said your two favorite things

“Should’ve brought Tess” Yet he didn’t and you were both a mile away from the house and didn’t want to go back.

You brought out your phone and pulled your headphones out. You stuck one in your ear and the other in Tom’s. You put on your favorite playlist and walk in silence. After a while, you started to notice there were a lot of stars and thought of a nice game with Tom.

“Hey babe,” you pulled Tom’s attention

“yes love” he says looking at you

“want to play a game”

“what kind of game” he pries

“everytime there is a star we kiss” Tom looks up and sees the loads of stars. He smiles and oooks down at you.

“sure why not, looks like you owe me about 20 already” he says leaning down with a huge smile on his face. Peppering you in kisses.

“10…11…12” Tom says in between kisses.

After counting to 19, he drags out the 20. Kissing you passionately. He sticks his tongue in your mouth. Both of you fighting for dominance, but Tom tickles which made you giggle and he won. After the kiss you looked at him disappointed, jokingly.

“That was not fair” you point at him like a mom

“I won fair and square”

“There was nothing fair or square” you joke.

You looked back at Tom’s deep brown eyes. You smiled from ear to ear. Tom felt like his heart exploded with rainbows and flowers. He loves you so much. He grabbed your waist pulling you in so he could kiss you cheeks, but you loved and turned. So, he started to kiss your ear and jaw. Nibbling at the ear lobe. Which made you giggle

“Love you” Tom whispers in your ear. Making you pull away and feel even more ticklish. Running your ear from the nerves.

“I have another idea” you stop running your ear grabbing and interlocking hands with Tom

“What’s that brilliant little of head of yours thinkng” he says while ticking in a strand of your hair behind your ear.

“How about ding-dong ditching”

“Sounds like a master plan” he says

“That house looks rather ravishing” you smolder at Tom which made him laugh

“Ladies first” as you run up the stairs to the porch containing the door, you panicked and ddint want to do it.

“you do it” you say to Tom

“no it was your plan” you work the courage up and knock. You froze, you’re supposed to run. This is your cue. And you froze? What type of idiot plays ding-dong ditch and freezes. Tom looks back and runs and carrie’s you to the bushes that were down below the porch.

“shhhhh” Tom says holding a finger to his lips.

You had to stifle a laugh out. You couldn’t hold it in. You heard the door open and Tom put his hands around your face. Which made you break out into a fit of laughter. He ducked down even more. You heard the man let out a low sigh and say “haven’t had a ding-dong ditch in years” as you heard the door close and click. Tom and you both got up. Tom getting up first and holding his hand out for you.

“Out of all the times to freeze, you chose now” Tom questions

“It was involuntary” You shrug off

“Involuntary my ass” Tom let out a laugh. You playfully punch his shoulder which broke him into more giggles.

“Do you want to keep playing” You ask Tom

“Sure why not” Tom kisses your cheek out of nowhere, which made a blush creep into your face.

Both of you loved the adrenaline. As well getting the hang of it. Your favorite part was hearing the dogs get excited over the knocks. Never getting caught. You tried to hide your laughs but every time it grew to be harder than before. Tom saw you laugh and since your laugh is so contagious he joined you. After about ding-dining ditching about 10 houses. You and Tom called it a wrap and started to walk the five miles back home.

“We got our steps in for the next week” you joke

“I liked it, we should do it again”

“You didn’t want to walk though” you furrow your eyebrows

“So it’s a crime if a man changes his mind” Tom jokes

“Yeah it locks you in a cell for a decade” you slightly frown.

You both started talking about your day before this. Tom mentioning a girl trying to give him her number. He threw it away. You weren’t the jealous type, Tom was nice and told you everything. He was an open book. So you had nothing to worry about. You talked about how you walked Tessa around the block and she shat all over your sandals and toes.

“That’s hilarious” Tom says slapping his knee

“It was gross Thomas” you look at Tom angered “Tessa’s shit painted my toes, I don’t have yo paint my nails for the next month” You had to give in joking around. It was quite funny how she missed the grass and just shat all on your toes. Making Tom laugh even more, you might have seen a tear. After he calmed down which was about ten minutes later. You continued your walk back home.

[luxwritesfanfic]

Don’t Take The Money

Poor reader thought it would end up being a normal Sunday but that must’ve been the mix of bleach and Pinesol fumes getting to their head. Or, the one where reader finds out they have more in common with the other woman in Sherlock’s life than they thought and Sherlock has an aneurysm at the revelation. Thanks for reading!

Sherlock Holmes/Reader

You were just waking up when Sherlock was moving around the bedroom trying to pack his overnight bag. You groaned at the noise of drawers being opened and hangers jostled and rolled over onto your stomach, propping yourself up on your elbows. “Sherlock? You’re leaving?”

He stopped in his tracks back towards the closet and moved to sit on the edge of the bed next to you. He looked down at you with fondness that so many people thought he was incapable of feeling and as always, it made your heart swell. Brushing a lock of hair behind your ear, you relished in his undivided attention.

“A case was brought to my attention. I won’t be gone for long, it’s a few towns over.” He insists, trying to ease your worries before they arise.

Although you’d miss him, it never did anyone any good when Sherlock was bored. He needed something to keep him occupied and you needed time to clean up the drywall shrapnel that constantly covered the couch due to the boredness. It would give you the opportunity to deep clean the flat and the idea wasn’t so bad.

“Is John going too?” Sherlock nodded. You don’t know why you asked, they always worked together.

You turned your head to kiss his palm and sat up to get out of bed. “Okay. I’ll make you breakfast before you guys leave. Nobody likes train food anyway.”

Sherlock moved to help you stand, one of the smiles he reserved just for you gracing his lips. “You take excellent care of me. But you should know, you don’t have to be useful for this to mean something to me.”

He caught you off guard, but he usually did when he read you like a book. Your whole life you’d made yourself useful and you weren’t sure if people liked you for you or for the fact that there’s nothing you wouldn’t do for them. You would do anything and everything for Sherlock and it didn’t have anything to do with being useful, honestly. You loved him dearly and you couldn’t imagine treating him like you felt anything less than that. You couldn’t help but kiss him.

“Omelettes or pancakes?”

—

Your shirt was soaked from washing the dishes and you smelled like a mixture of bleach and formaldehyde from scrubbing the fridge clean and removing the severed head that took up the space where your coffee creamer should be. You had done more loads of laundry than you could count, bleached the bloodstained tub from Sherlock’s latest pig quest, the entire flat smelled like Bahama breeze and you couldn’t be more content. The boys weren’t due back for a day or two so you figured you’d spend some time with Mrs. Hudson when you were done and see if you could meet up with Bucky and Greg for lunch. When you passed the kitchen on your way to your bedroom to change, you decided that this may be the only chance you ever get to clear off the dining room table. Sherlock’s science equipment had overrun it and you figured it wouldn’t hurt if you straightened it up just a bit.

You were in the midst of cleaning out Sherlock’s beakers when you heard the knock on the door. Figuring that John would have posted on his blog that they weren’t currently taking clients because they were on a case, you expected to see Mrs. Hudson and the mop she was letting you borrow. You cracked the door just enough to see who was on the other side and was surprised to see an older woman holding a plate of baked goods who wasn’t Mrs. Hudson.

“Hi... how can I help you?”

The woman in question’s eyes lit up at the sight of you and you weren’t sure why. She smiled and gestured to the platter in her hands. “Is Sherlock Holmes here?”

She must be a client, you thought. Shaking your head, you responded, “No, sorry! The boys off on a case. I’m a friend of theirs. Is there something I can help you with?”

She was looking past you into the flat and you weren’t sure what she was looking for. “Do you mind if I come in? I could really use a cup of tea. And I wanted to drop these cookies I made for Sherlock off.”

You looked at what she was holding and decided it wouldn’t really hurt to let her in, and the cookies looked amazing. Sherlock must have helped her in some way.

“Sure, come on in. Sorry about my clothes... I’ve been doing some spring cleaning.” You stepped aside and let her in. “So, are you a client of his?”

She went to place the platter on the table and you were excited that it was already worth cleaning off the table. “Not quite. I’ve known him his whole life and have loved him even longer.” She turned and smiled at you, seeing through you in a way that seemed eerily close to Sherlock.

You hummed, taking in her answer. Sherlock didn’t talk much about his friends, so you weren’t surprised that you never heard of her.

“Just a minute, I’m gonna change.”

You excused yourself to the bedroom where your phone was charging on the bed. After sending Sherlock a quick text that someone who wasn’t a client was here for him, you dug around in the closet for something clean and more appropriate.

The lady didn’t really seem like a threat and you were sure if it came down to it, you’d be able to protect yourself. You could chuck the skull on the mantle if need be, it was a hard hitter.

When you returned, she was wandering around the flat and looking at all of the pictures of you, Sherlock, and John that you’d recently framed and put out.

“You and Sherlock, you’re close, yes? Tell me about him. It’s been so long.” She was holding a picture that you took of you two in the back of a taxi. Sherlock was on his phone but you thought his hair looked extra good and the golden hour light made him look like an angel so you had to take the picture.

“Yeah, I mean. He’s a seriously great person. A brilliant detective, he’s so smart. He helps all these people for free, and he never complains if they don’t offer him anything. He hates when I tell him he’s a godsend but who else would do that? Um... he’s really funny, probably one of the funniest people I know. You just have to keep up with his humor. It can be kind of dry, but it’s there. He’s one of the most loyal people there is and he’d do anything for the people he cares about.”

It was so easy for you to speak so highly of him. It was like second nature.

“He can be stubborn sometimes, and he can be a little more blunt than he needs to be but... he’s amazing. There’s no other way to explain him, really. He’s got a light that comes from him that rivals the sun and I don’t think it could ever be dimmed.”

She turned back to you and slowly broke out into one of the biggest grins you’d ever seen someone wear. “You really love my son.”

“Your son?” You blinked, unsure of what was going on. You really started to look at the woman in front of you and you realized Sherlock had her eyes. A complete copy and paste. “Oh my God, you’re Sherlock’s mom. I never even introduced myself. I’m Y/N, a friend of-”

“You’re not his friend, dear, and I’m not blind. Old age takes a lot from you, but I could never miss the way my son shines. And you... you see it too.” She walked up to you, still holding the picture frame in her hands. “You love my son in a way that no one else has. Let me tell you all about him.”

—

You couldn’t stop laughing.

Sherlock’s mom had brought over tons of scrapbooks and old pictures that she had acquired over the years, and you had a feeling she knew you were here alone before she even knocked on the door. Mycroft, probably. You spent the whole day getting to know each other and taking a stroll down memory lane with her telling you all about Sherlock as a kid and how it was growing up with two geniuses as sons. She even gave you a copy of one of Sherlock’s high school pictures that you were going to cherish forever. She seemed so happy to have someone to talk to and assured you that spending time with you was the closest she had felt to Sherlock in a long time.

You insisted that she stay and let you make dinner, but she was as equally stubborn as Sherlock and ordered you takeaway as her treat. You tried to argue but she was having none of it. “My God, you scrubbed this whole flat clean. I’m not going to let you dirty your dishes. How does Chinese sound?”

—

Sherlock barreled up the steps with all the force he could muster in his legs and rushed in to see you, perfectly fine and all in one piece, having dinner with his mother.

“Sherlock!” You both exclaimed, his mother full of excitement and you full of worry.

“What’s wrong?” You ask, standing up from your end of the couch. “I thought you were on a case? Is everything okay?”

“I’ve been texting and calling you all day! You’re that daft that you couldn’t text back once all this time?” He’s still out of breath and he can feel his heartbeat in his ears. His tone is exasperated and you could hear the mix of anxiety and relief in his voice as he’d yet to acknowledge his mother. She seemed perfectly content to sit back and watch the situation unfold, amusement at her son’s unusual outburst gracing her features.

“My phone was dead! And then I put it on the charger and I forgot about it once your mom came, by the way!” You went to the bedroom and retrieved your phone to find a dozen missed texts and calls.

Probably just a client. SH

11:07 AM

Are you sure it’s not a client? SH

11:43 AM

Are they still there? SH

1:00 PM

Missed Call

1:17 PM

Missed Call

2:03 PM

Call me back. SH

3:26 PM

Y/N, I’m on a case. Call me back. SH

3:44 PM

Missed Call

4:13 PM

Is everything alright? SH

4:52 PM

Missed Call

5:08 PM

Missed Call

5:10 PM

Missed Call

5:12 PM

I’m boarding the train now and I’ll be there soon. Don’t worry. SH

5:21 PM

Sherlock followed after you, still without ever acknowledging his mother, and shut the door after himself. With his palms braced against the wooden door, he tried to ease the tension out of his bones through a deep breath as he watched you check your phone. He wasn’t worried about the case at all. It was mostly solved and what little was left John could do with ease. He felt the weight of the missed calls in his stomach like lead and the three hour train ride that he couldn’t curse to defy time any quicker. He had plenty of enemies and you had virtually none, so there would be no reason to think you’d hesitate to assist anyone who came to his door, especially if it was in the name of helping him. He thought he’d walk into a crime scene and he couldn’t shake those images out of his head.

You got up from the bed and walked over to him, reaching to wrap one arm around his neck and to take his hand in yours in the other. You pressed a kiss to his jaw, and then to his chin, over his eyelids, his nose, and then lastly you met his lips, murmuring “I’m sorry” in between every kiss. He didn’t usually voice it, but you had known him long enough to know when he was upset. He relaxed into your touch as he always did and you pulled away from him long enough to pull on the ends of his scarf. “I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. Let me help. We got takeaway for your mom and I but we can share mine. I got what you like anyway.”

He let you pull his scarf and jacket off and you were delighted to see he wasn’t really mad with you. You hang his jacket on the closet door and by the time you turn back to face him, he’s already making his way back out to the living room. Following after him, you see his mother gesturing him to come over.

“What are you doing here? I thought I told Mycroft to tell you I was away on business.” He was messing with the cuffs on his sleeves but his question was directed at his mother with unmistakable intent. She tsked at him, and you began to see even more similarities in their mannerisms.

“That’s no way to talk to your mother, William. I was spending some time with your darling partner here and I don’t even get a kiss or a hug?” She began gathering her belongings and threw her purse over her shoulder. You weren’t happy to see her go.

You did peak up at the name. “William? Your name is William?”

Sherlock groaned, ignoring you completely. You swore you could see a blush dusting his cheeks. In no time he was at the door, holding it open for his mother. “It’s getting rather late, don’t you agree? Father must be wondering where you are. Be sure to pay Mycroft a visit the next time you’re in town. I assure you, he always has time for family.”

She turned to you and blew you a kiss. “I had a great time with you today, I hope you’ll manage to bring Sherlock home more.”

Walking over to Sherlock, she paused to kiss his cheek and whisper in his ear, “I know you know what you could lose here. So be sure you don’t, Sherlock.”

Before she totally stepped out of the flat, she turned around one last time. “Promise me you’ll come home soon. Your father and I miss you dearly.”

“I heard you the first ten times. Goodnight and safe travels, mother.” Sherlock shut the door before his mother could get another word and your shoulders slumped.

“Hey, that was your mom! She’s really nice. We had a good day.” You started to clean up the coffee table and take the dishes into the kitchen. You couldn’t understand Sherlock’s relationship with his family but you were sure there was a lot of things you didn’t know. Still, it was nice to have a chance to bond with your (maybe one day) future family. It was then that you realized that Sherlock never said anything when his mother mentioned you being his partner. You two never really officially defined what you were, so to see him not object to an actual title made you feel all warm inside.

“No, you had a good day. I was trying to work a case and clear a man’s name while trying to figure out if I’d come home to you kidnapped or dead.” Sherlock rolled his eyes, watching you from the doorway. You looked back at him as you dropped the dishes into the sink and let out a sigh. You hated the fact that you let him down.

“I have to go back tomorrow to tie some loose ends with John. If you come with me, I have a feeling I’ll get over it a lot quicker.” His voice was quiet but full of mirth. He won’t hold this over your head, and you both know this, but if it makes him feel better you’ll follow him. You’d follow him to the ends of the Earth and off the edge if he lead you.

Sherlock pushed himself off of the doorway and walked towards the bedroom, unbuttoning his shirt as he went.

“So, you’re staying home tonight?” You swung around the  kitchen doorway and called out to the hall. You hadn’t even thought about Sherlock having to go back, and you couldn’t help but be excited that he would be there for you to fall asleep next to tonight. 

“You didn’t expect me to make the trip back at this hour, did you? Besides, I sleep better with you and it’s obvious that I don’t focus well if you’re not around, Which is why I need you to come with me tomorrow. It seems you owe me, anyway.” Sherlock takes a step back so you can see him in the bedroom doorway, and you can feel your heart in your throat.

He’s so beautiful, you think, all alabaster skin and lean muscle. He’s pulling a t-shirt over his head and you wonder if you could manifest a photographic memory long enough to commit him to memory. Of course he notices you staring, and you almost want to mention all the times you catch him staring at you but he changes the subject and opens the blankets for you and you shut up and follow him. You follow him and you love him and you wake up in the morning at the crack of dawn to run downstairs and order coffee from the shop next door before your train leaves, being sure to get them to write “William” on the cup. Sherlock doesn’t find this funny at all, but he still lets you fall asleep on his arm on the train ride there and doesn’t complain when his arm falls asleep right along with you.

He thinks that if this is the life his mother wished for him as a child, that would be one thing he could take off of his list of things she eventually needs to answer for. Because mothers know best, and when it came to you, she could have never been more right.

[kayleezra]

Secret Santa // (Marcus Pike x GN!Reader)

Word Count: 1875

Warnings: None, fluff only

Summary: During secret Santa, you and Marcus end up getting each other-ish.

A/N: I hate that this is posted after the holidays but hopefully it's timely enough. Not beta-read

‘Marcus’ the slip in your hand read.

You mentally celebrate while keeping a poker face before folding the paper back up and placing it in your pocket.

You and Marcus have been close friends since he relocated and you two started working together. Marcus told you about Teresa and his divorce and you shared your failed attempts at love. Both of you had an affinity for art, literature and love, though you both lacked the latter.

The rest of the name draw was relatively boring. The only time you truly paid attention was when Marcus was asked to pull a name. You watched Marcus pull and read the slip of paper, trying to decipher his poker face but, to no avail. Marcus could have pulled anyone's name or even a winning lottery ticket and you’d have no idea.

When all names were drawn and everyone was dismissed you went to catch up with Marcus. Marcus was talking with Andre, a coworker.

“What’re you two secret Santa’s up to?”

The two of them spin around, slightly startled by your presence.

“I was asking Andre if he’d had a chance to comb through some old CCTV footage.” Marcus explains nonchalantly.

“Which I have not… so excuse me while I get my hands on that footage.” Andre jokes.

You give him a small wave and turn to Marcus.

“So who’d you pull?”, you ask, raising your brows.

“Well fellow secret Santa, I believe if I told you that would make us just Santas. Not secret Santas” Marcus teases you.

“Oh boo. You’re no fun.”, you lightly nudge him.

Marcus chuckles at you, “Yeah yeah, I know. We still on for our leisure literature tonight?”

You and Marcus had a shared love for reading and would plan outings to libraries or book stores, anywhere that had books really, and would pick a piece for the other to read. Then after a little bit, you’d share opinions. Some books were bought and brought home and others never left the place of establishment. Sharing your literary thoughts with someone was refreshing and you had each other reading things you’d otherwise never pick up.

“Of course! Ugh, it’s been the only thing keeping me going”, you dramatically roll your eyes and slump over, most of it is for show but some is genuine exhaustion.

“Work’s almost over. Then, you’re stuck with me for an evening. And then, and only then, may you have peace.”, Marcus finishes with a wink before walking away.

Little did Marcus know, you found peace in him.

The rest of the day passed uneventfully. Tonight’s leisure literature night was at a small used book store. So with a brief stop at home, you change from work clothes into something a little more forgiving. When you open the door, a cheery bell rings signalling your arrival as though life were a television drama series. Marcus is already there and chatting with the elderly gentlemen at the till, both look at you and welcome you with warm smiles.

“Good evening, dear. You must be the y/n Marcus talks about. I’m Harvey.”, the elderly gentleman introduces himself.

Once you make your way to the till you rest your hands on the counter, “I am. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Harvey. I’m worried as to what Marcus has told you.” you joke.

“No need to fret, he's only spoken of you in the highest regard.”

“Is that true?”, you glance at Marcus.

“I’ve only told the truth.”, he responds.

“Well, I’ll let you kids get to your date night alone.” Harvey goes to the front door, turns the ‘open’ sign to ‘close’ and locks the door. “ I’ll be back to lock up at 11 pm.” he then goes into a private door which probably goes to a loft.

When Harvey's steps dissipate, the silence surrounding you and Marcus becomes heavy.

“Date night?”, you teasingly ask Marcus.

Marcus chuckles, “Harvey’s a- he doesn't-.” stumbling on his words.

“Relax, I’m only kidding.”

And you are telling the truth, you had only said what you said to tease him. However, deep down you wish you weren’t; you’d love to be on a date with Marcus at this quaint bookshop.

Nonetheless, you and Marcus fall into the comfortable routine of browsing the shelves side by side, trying to find the perfect piece for each other.

It’d only been 20 minutes, while in the non-fiction section when Marcus chuckles next to you. You look up from the well-loved book in hand and look up to the handsome man next to you.

“What’s up?”

“It’s an old university textbook. Art history, published in .”

You lean into Marcus looking at the yellowed book in his hands. Marcus flips it over and squints at the small print.

“Published in 1926.”, Marcus whistles, flipping it on its back, “I bet you it's filled with mistakes and missing facts.”

You giggle, “I bet it’s nothing in comparison to what we know now, especially in our field of work.”

“Imagine correcting this bad boy.”

“Might as well write a new book.”

“Which we’ve done.”

“Yeah, we’ve written and rewritten quite a lot of books since 1962.”

“You gonna make me read it?”, you ask looking up at Marcus, suddenly realizing how close you are to Marcus. You are nearly flesh against him, head a mere inch away from resting upon his shoulder. You don’t want to move away, his warmth is comforting, and moving away would signal that you acknowledged your proximity and potential discomfort.

Marcus looks down at you, your lips the closest to his they’ve ever been.

“No, I wouldn’t make you suffer through this.”

Silence blankets the both of you. The two of you both seem to notice how close you are to one another, neither wanting to break away.

“We should probably keep looking for books then.”, you whisper.

Marcus clears his throat, “Right, yes.” He then puts the textbook back and continues looking through books.

You regret your words instantly, wishing you’d stayed how you were. At least nothing was weird between the two of you afterwards. Per usual you fell into pleasant conversation and book browsing. Soon enough you find a book that makes you laugh in nostalgia.

“Whatcha find?” Marcus asks curiously.

“I found the book I want you to read.” you say while hiding it behind your back.

“Is that so?”

“Mhmm”

“What is it?”, he laughs.

“It’s a book I used to be obsessed with as a kid.”

You then pull the book out from hiding and Marcus once again laughs, it’s hearty and loving.

“Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.”, he reads out.

“An original. Bet you can’t beat that!”

“I don’t think I can. But I do have a book for you however, it’s not as pleasant.”

Marcus then pulls a book that was sitting atop the organized others, the title reads The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas. You look at him quizzically.

“It’s a short story, it contrasts itself by being both ambiguous and heavily detailed.”

“Alright, well in that case Mr. Pike, it seems as though we’re ready to read.”

“Seems to be. C’mon.”

Marcus then walks to the back of the bookshop to what you guess is the employee area. There there's a small coffee table placed in front of a loveseat atop a large rug.

“Well, well well. Looks like you might have had some leeway in setting this place up.”

“I may or may not have been planning on bringing you here for a while.”

“Well, it did not disappoint. Consider me impressed and then some. Maybe this is a date, huh?”

“Maybe”

— 2 Weeks Later —

“Hey we’re gathering for Secret Santa, let's go.”, a co-worker informs you.

You get up and a huge smile takes over your face, unable to control it. You find Marcus sitting around the large round table covered in gifts and sit next to him.

“So do you think you nailed the gift?”, you ask.

“I can only hope. Did you nail yours?”

“We’ll have to wait and see.”

“You seem pretty confident.”

You give him a cheeky smile in return. Then the co-worker who set up the whole event begins calling on people to open gifts and guess their secret Santa. Laughs are shared and the whole thing is light-hearted and fun. When Marcus's name is called you put on the best poker face you’ve ever employed, even leaning over a bit when he begins opening the gift. Marcus stops unwrapping it when he sees the cover. Looking at you, you play coy and give him encouraging eyes. Marcus pulls the book out from the wrapping and reads the cover aloud.

“An old textbook?” someone asks

Marcus only nods while opening the book. The biggest smile and chortles when he sees the inside is covered with corrections, sticky notes and diagrams.

Finally, Marcus explains what's in front of him.

“It’s an old art history textbook, published in 1926 filled with corrections.”

A few ‘wow’s and whistles emerge in the room, some in genuine awe and others faking interest.

“So who do you think your secret Santa was?”

“Without a doubt, Y/N.”

You giggle and applaud him, “Correct.”, the rest of the room joins your applause.

“Okay Y/N, your turn.”

You grab the gift with your name on it. You begin unwrapping the thin rectangular gift. Inside is a book from your favourite local art museum, featuring the attraction you’ve been begging to see and Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.

“No way.”, you say shocked, staring at the gift in your hand.

“Well?”, a co-worker asks.

“It’s my favourite childhood story and a book from my favourite museum.”

“Awn that’s cute, who do you think it’s from?”

“It’s from Marcus.”

“Marcus, is that right?”

With a smile, he confirms your answer.

Once again the room applauds and then moves on to the next person.

You can’t help but look at Marcus astonished at the thoughtful gift with a warm smile.

The gift exchange finishes just as it started. Marcus places his hand on your knee, “come to my office with me?”

You nod, following him to his office aware of how hot your face feels. Marcus closes the door behind you.

“We were each other's secret Santa, how cute is that?”, you say with a smile.

“Actually,” Marcus begins nervously scratching his neck, “We weren’t each other's secret Santa.”

You look at him confused, “What do you mean?”

“Andre was your secret Santa, I bribed him to trade with me so I was yours because I have this.”

Marcus then opens a desk drawer and pulls out a ticket. He hands it to you and your jaw drops.

“A ticket to the museum. Marcus, you shouldn't have.”

“I was hoping you’d join me on an official date.”, Marcus says while pulling his own ticket from his desk.

You close the space between the two of you and kiss him. He quickly responds, kissing back and holding you against him. When the two of you pull away you’re both smiling gayly at each other.

“It’s about damn time, Mr. Pike.”

Marcus laughs and pulls you in for another kiss.

Taglist: @spideysimpossiblegirl @littlemisspascal

[eunoiaflow3r]

not ur friend

spencer reid x reader

aaron hotchner x reader

part two - part three

a/n: haven’t written for spence in a while lol. hope you guys like it. wow...and i wrote him as an ass. bahahaha what am i going through i’m so sorry.

warning(s): language. angst. not proofread. will be mistakes.

word count: 1.8k

request(ed): no.

summary: y/n overhears something she shouldn’t have. this conversation alters her relationship.

not ur friend by jeremy zucker.

———————-——————&————————————

Hang up, if you ever think of calling me up. Not afraid to say it, darling.

3 days.

It’s been an entire weekend of you ignoring Spencer and his ever intruding phone calls. This wouldn’t have been a big deal except for the fact that this felt like a breakup. Your head and heart was treating this like you were in a relationship and he made it painfully clear that you weren’t.

It was quiet in your apartment. The television was off, the radio was silent, the heater had paused and even the refrigerator wasn’t making the usual silent buzz noise it made. The deafness of it all allowed the conversation you heard friday night play over and over again through your ached head.

Friday 11:37 pm.

“So Reid...” you picked up your phone when it rang and read Spencer’s name across the screen. It wasn’t like him to call so late but you picked up anyway. When it was a muffled Morgan’s voice you heard instead of Spencer’s you realized he hadn’t even meant to call you at all.

“How’s your girlfriend?”

You just knew all eyes were on him. Spencer Reid was very private about his social life. It was rare he even told you about anything he’d been up to. He just wasn’t one for small talk. The fact that you just knew they were talking about you made you press your phone harder into your ear even though you weren’t even sure you should have been listening.

“Oh y/n? Yeah she’s definitely not my girlfriend.”

This stung. There wasn’t even a label or anything that you guys put on it, but usually when Spencer would talk about his romantic relationships he’d get nervous and stuttery and try to change the subject. Spencer’s voice was clear and steady. Zero hints of nervousness and bashfulness. He was serious.

“Really?” This was Emily now, you could recognize her voice. “You guys seem like pretty close friends if you know what I mean.” Her tone was laced with humor but Spencer’s was far from joking.

“No. I wouldn’t call us friends either. She’s just someone I visit. Like y’know...how you would a grandmother.”

A grandmother? He compared you to a grandmother? He said visiting you was like visiting a grandmother?? You could feel the tears in your eyes. You really thought Spencer was a good guy. Why would he say something so rude? Something so hurtful about the person he was sleeping with.

It wasn’t a friends with benefits. You guys had agreed on that, but you weren’t dating either. You had met him at a museum and ever since then you two had behaved as if a couple would. The only difference was that you weren’t public. You weren’t posting pictures, or gushing over how cute you thought your “boyfriend” was to your friends. And you were fine with that. Labels are constricting. You were glad not to have them except when he decided to say he barely knew you at all and compared you to a grandmother.

“Damn.” Morgan sounded impressed. “Does she know that?”

“Maybe.” Spencer paused. “There’s nothing really romantic about our relationship. To be honest, she can be a bit needy at times and it’s suffocating.”

He paused again.

“I’m actually thinking of breaking things off. She wants more and I just don’t like her that way.”

Sorry, I'm not sorry if it hurts. I don’t mean to make it worse.

This is where you hung up. Your tears never stopped flowing. How dare he? How dare he say you were needy and suffocating? You rarely asked him for anything, and didn’t bother him with things at all. You knew he was a busy person. A busy and hardworking person. You never tried to ask him for more than he was willing to give. Ever. It hurt your heart to think he was playing you the whole time.

It hurt to think that all the “I adore you’s” and “I think I’m in love with you’s” were all fake. You were pretty sure with the way things were headed that you and Spencer would have much more than just a relationship. Much more than sex and cuddles. But a meaning - an understanding.

Spencer was your comfort. Your safe place. The person you’d go to if you were hurting, or in trouble. You were his. Countless times he came to your house and cried to you about the stress from his job. He’d hold you and tell you all about his day and what more he wished he could have done.

You’d buy him his favorite food and he’d cuddle you to sleep only to wake you up in the morning with kisses and great morning sex. To hear all of that meant basically nothing to him tore your heart to pieces.

It made you want to throw up. Had you wasted your time? Had he felt this way the entire time and you just never noticed because you hoped he felt the same? Were there signs that you missed? Something you could have done to prevent yourself from falling this hard for someone who didn’t care?

But you thought he cared.

Spencer was the most caring, empathetic person you’d ever met in your life. He was so understanding in a way no one could ever get.

I've decided that I'm not your fucking friend.

This is why you thought that maybe this is why he tried to hide you. Maybe he just was afraid of his friends not liking you, or afraid of someone from where he worked would try to hurt you. You prayed this was the case. You hoped and cried that this was the reason he’d ever let those words leave his mouth.

The reason you couldn’t believe this though is something understandable.

He had never, ever, called you anything other than his friend, and never wanted to go out.

He told you it was because he was protecting you, but he never wanted to even meet your friends. And when you talked about a guy or introduced him to one, he’d get upset and say something like, “Yeah well he seems perfect for you anyway. Not like we’re a thing - do what you want.”

And your brain tried to rationalize this as protection. The more you thought about it the more the other part of your brain screamed manipulation. You tried to ignore it but is that what was happening? Had he been manipulating you the entire time and you just never knew it?

If he was protecting you he wouldn’t call you needy. He wouldn’t not even bother to look at your friends. He wouldn’t feel the need to hide you from the entire world and lie about it in such a - douchebag way.

This hurt you though. His team can call out a liar faster than anyone and they would have said something if they thought he was lying. They would have defended you. The wouldn’t have egged him away and joked about you like you were some embarrassing one night stand.

You expected respect and decency and got dishonesty and asshole attitudes instead.

After the weekend of pitying yourself you realized you needed to stop. This wasn’t your fault. He has issues of his own. Issues he needs to work out and come to terms with on his own. Why should you feel anything for a man trying to hide you? Lying to you? Lying to his friends ABOUT you. Reassuring yourself helped but didn’t help the ache in your heart.

Were you ready for this? Were you ready to throw it all away? After all it could just be a misunderstanding. A misinterpretation. It could be your fault. Maybe you were clingy.

No.

No. Absolutely not. You weren’t going to try to defend his actions.

Right now, there's not much that we agree on. Sit down, if you need someone to lean on.

You called him.

“Hello?” he answered right away. “Where have you been are you okay? I was gonna come over and check.”

“Don’t come over.” You cleared your throat and blinked away tears.

“Then please come to mine. I have to talk to you, I missed you.”

He still has no idea. He doesn’t have a clue what you overheard on the phone. All the pieces of the puzzle you put together. All that you’ve realized in the past 3 days.

You rolled your eyes. Any other day you’d think his obliviousness was adorable but right now it only made you want to punch him in his stomach for lying to you and wasting your time.

“I’ll be over to give you your things.”

And you hung up.

That was so hard for you to do and you had hot wet tears running down your face to prove it. No matter how many times you tried to brush them away they just kept on going down.

Fuck him.

A shower and a change of clothes later you were finally ready to see him.

Honest, if I'm coming to your place, it's to say it to your face...

In your car you tried to talk yourself out of it. You told yourself to just forget the phone call over happened and just go back to the way things were. At least you here happy then...at least...sort of. You were okay. You were happy with him. The time you spent with him was enjoyable but you were tired of being his therapist. You were tired of being his dirty mistress. You didn’t want to be lied to or lied about. You were over it.

When you got there he rushed you in the house and looked down at you confusingly.

You had never been inside his place. The only time you were ever really here was when you were inside waiting in the car so that he could change his shirt.

“I thought you were coming tomorrow?”

“I came now to give you your things.”

“JJ will be here soon, you should probably leave. Why did you bring this stuff?”

“They’re yours. They shouldn’t be at my place.”

He looked confused but took the box from your hands anyway.

“I’m leaving.” You simply said and turned towards the door. The sooner you were out the better.

“Can I at least have a kiss?” Spencer asked in the cute voice he knew you liked.

You closed your eyes. “Sorry Reid, but no. I don’t want to seem needy or suffocating, ya’know? Makes it easier to break things off.”

Color drained from his face as he realized what you were talking about. He couldn’t even come up with an excuse other than a - “No, baby I -“

You put your palm in the air facing him telling him to stop.

“It’s okay. I was just someone you visited...like a grandmother. You shouldn’t miss me too much. We’re not even friends, right?”

You walked out of the house.

You walked out on him. Your heart was beating out of your chest. He was always the one to leave. He was always the one to say goodbye.

I've decided that I'm not your fucking friend.

—————————————-#————————————

taglist: @hotchsbabygirl @pinkdiamond1016 @thefemalestorywriter @sizzlingclamturtlesludge @samyilf123

[ppangjae]

PLANET GIRL | part 1

SUMMARY. When Jaehyun turned twenty-one, he started to hear his soulmate’s voice singing an unfamiliar song in his head. He should be happy, right? Wrong. There are two things wrong with this:

He’s taken. He’s off the market. He’s in a 3-year relationship and,

The voice singing in his head is not his girlfriend’s voice.

Now what?

GENRE. soulmate!au | cinderella!au | cupid!reader | college!au | fluff | angst

WORD COUNT. 6k+ words

author’s note. after much consideration, i decided to post this fic in three parts so that it’s not as hectic! you know me, i love adding ✨drama ✨ now, before you come at me for posting this and not a made to fall in love update, this first part of this fic has been done since mid-september. i’d rather release it than let it collect dust in my drafts. so yes, here she is. happy reading!

taglist: @billiondollarworth @cafemochi @stae-yong @chanyeolscoon @ggaayyyong @soothingjae @taestannie @plump-peach @oshmendes @lanadreamie​ @justineasian​ @jjpmoans​ @beryllium-io​ @jaeismytamtation​ @noonapabo127 @hanniesbubble​ 

PART ONE. cupid | PART TWO. jupiter | 2.5 intermission | PART THREE. PLANET GIRL

“Mark, get your ass over here before I do it myself!”

“Holy shit, what’s the rush?”

“Tomorrow’s Valentine’s Day.”

“And what about it?”

It’s that time of the year again; Valentine’s Day. It’s the day where people fall in love or get their hearts broken. But to you, it’s the day where you’re designated to a new target. To put it simply, you’re Cupid. You are part of a family of Cupid’s. However, you hate being called Cupid, you moreso see yourself as a matchmaker. 

Every Valentine’s Day, you’re designated to a new target. As a matchmaker, it is your responsibility to make your target fall in love within one year. If you fail to complete your mission, you will be stripped of your abilities of matchmaking. 

Last year, your target was Johnny. Johnny was an easy target to work with, for he fell in love with the local cafe barista within three months. The two of them are happily dating now and it’s almost as if they’re still in their honeymoon phase. 

Two years ago, your target was your roommate Mark. It took a while for him to fall in love. He was quite difficult to work with because he was so focused on his studies that he barely batted an eyelash at a human of the opposite sex. But you still managed to do it and all it took was to introduce him to Mina, the studious chemistry student who’s been crushing on him since freshman year. 

But this year, you’re not quite sure who to expect. 

“Are you getting your new assignment tomorrow?” Mark finally enters your room after what seems like forever, falling against your bed. He lands and lets out a soft ‘oof!’. You turn away from your desktop to face him. 

“Of course,” you reply with a quirk of an eyebrow. “What kind of question is that? Tomorrow’s Valentine’s Day, the day of love and the day of heartbreak.”

“Are you excited?”

“Not the slightest bit.” You let out a tiring sigh.

“Why not?” He frowns.

“Because I have to stress over someone else’s love life for another damn year.” You shrug your shoulders as you explain. “I already have other things to stress out over.”

“You’re always granted a year per love assignment. A year is enough to make someone fall in love, right?”

You laugh. “A year per love assignment? I wish a year was enough. A year goes by with a blink of an eye. Before you know it, it’s Valentine’s Day again.”

“You’re being too hard on yourself. Why don’t you just skip out on the matchmaking just for this year?” He suggests and you shake your head.

“I can’t.” You purse your lips into a tight line. 

He lets out a snort. “I’m sure it’s possible—”

“It’s impossible.”

There are many great things about being a Cupid; you help people fall in love with each other and the outcome is always beautiful. But there are also many downfalls about being a Cupid, one of them being cursed to never fall in love. You’ve always craved the feeling of being loved by someone. As much as you hate to admit it, you’re needy for love. But the closest you’ll ever feel to being in love is witnessing the love being shared by two people, specifically between your love assignment and their soulmate.

You wonder how it feels to have someone care for you. You wonder how it feels to be sought after. You wonder how it feels to hug someone and hold their hand. But you guess you’ll never know because you’ll never experience it.

“God, I want to throw up.”

Johnny lets out a snort as the both of you pass by the seasonal section of the department store. There’s a plethora of Valentine’s Day chocolates on the shelves, along with teddy bears and heart plushies. Seeing the bright, flashing red on the days leading up to Valentine’s Day is surely a sore to the eye. 

“I know, it makes me want to poke my eyes out.” Johnny sighs.

“And what are we here for again?” You ask Johnny as you follow him to the baked goods section of the department store. Your question seems to be answered when you find yourselves standing in front of a shelf filled with ready-made birthday cakes. You quirk an eyebrow. “Who’s birthday is it? It’s definitely not Mark’s birthday, don’t even try to trick me.”

“It’s Jaehyun’s birthday tomorrow, I figured it would be sweet of me to get him a birthday cake.” He shrugs his shoulders as he points between two cakes on the shelves. “This one or this one?”

You point at the plain birthday cake on the left. “This one. You know what would be really funny? If you printed his face on the cake.”

Johnny looks at you and squints his eyes. “You're a genius.”

You have no idea who Jaehyun is. You don’t even know what he looks like. You’ve only heard of him through Johnny. The both of them host the university’s famous evening radio show, Night Night with JohnJae. You’re a listener of their show, mainly because you are supportive of your best friend Johnny. You’re sure Jaehyun is a great guy, especially since Johnny and Jaehyun share good chemistry with each other. You’ll probably get along with him well if you met him. But that encounter has yet to happen. 

As Johnny hands the cake over to the bakery chef to print Jaehyun’s face on it, he turns towards you. “And now we wait.”

“What time do you have to be at the studio?” You question.

He looks down at his watch. “I’ll make it on time. By the way, Mark has been making great song requests by this SoundCloud artist. From what he tells me, the artist is a student from our university.”

You quirk an eyebrow, gulping nervously. “Who’s this SoundCloud artist?”

“Planet Girl.” Johnny pulls out his phone and opens up the music app before handing it over for you to see. You stare at the artist’s profile. “Do you know her?”

You shake your head in reply. “Unfortunately, I don’t.”

“Damn,” Johnny lets out a sigh. “I was hoping you did. Jaehyun and I want her to be a guest on the show, it could probably help her get more attention in the industry.”

“Sorry to disappoint,” you purse your lips into a tight line. “I only know so many people in my program. I have a very small, closely knitted group of friends. They are the only people I’ve known since I stepped on campus in freshman year.”

“I was hoping you’ve heard of her, at least.” He chuckles. “But damn, her music is so good. I can’t wait until her mixtape drops. I’m sure it’ll be such a banger.”

“I should probably check her out.” 

“You should!” Johnny exclaims. “I wonder who she is.”

You fiddle with your fingers. You stare at Johnny who’s scrolling through the SoundCloud artist’s profile, adding a couple of the artist’s songs to his playlists. You blink and with a slight tilt of your head, you clear your throat. “Yeah, me too—”

“I have an order for Johnny!”

11:51 pm.

“Right before we sign off for the night, do you have anything to say to our listeners?”

Johnny has a shit-eating grin spread across his lips. He comes back into the studio with a birthday cake. It’s not just your typical birthday cake. It’s a birthday cake with Jaehyun’s face on it and it’s blown out in an odd proportion. The candles aren’t birthday candles either, in fact, they’re heart-shaped candles, perfect for Valentine’s Day. Jaehyun lets out a sigh. What is he going to do with Johnny?

“I just wanted to greet our handsome radio host slash Valentine boy, Jaehyun, a happy birthday! We have—” Johnny glances down at his wristwatch before continuing. “—nine more minutes before it’s officially Jaehyun’s birthday and Valentine’s Day. And what’s better than celebrating it with a birthday cake?”

“Is that my face?” 

“Who else would it be, doofus?” Johnny scoffs, pulling out a lighter to light the candles. Jaehyun lets out a snort as Johnny starts to sing him a happy birthday. After the happy birthday song, Johnny frowns and sends him a death glare. “Why aren’t you getting emotional? I did all of this to get that reaction?”

Jaehyun gives him a look. “And so as we sign off for the night, I just wanted to thank Johnny for his efforts in kicking off my birthday on a high note. I also want to greet everyone with a Happy Valentine’s Day. Whether you are happily dating someone or admiring someone from afar, just know that you are all in our hearts.”

“Stop being greasy.” Johnny winces. “Anyways, we’re going to sign off for the night with a song request from Mark Lee! Goodnight and see you tomorrow, here is Loose by Daniel Caesar.”

They turn their microphones off and Johnny pushes the birthday cake towards him. “Quick! Make a wish before the candles go out.”

Jaehyun clasps his hands together and makes a wish. With a satisfied grin, his eyes flutter open and he blows out the candles. Johnny’s taking a video of him blowing out the candles before dipping his finger into the icing. Jaehyun gives him a warning look but it’s too late because Johnny smears the icing on his cheek.

“You little shit—” 

“It’s midnight! Happy birthday, Jaehyun!”

12:01 am. 

It all happens quickly. Johnny’s dipping his fingers into the icing to smear more of it on Jaehyun’s cheeks. Jaehyun hears a slight ringing in his ears and his eyebrows knit together. Johnny doesn’t seem to notice how uncomfortable Jaehyun feels until he’s about to smear his cheeks with icing. 

“Jaehyun, are you alright?” Johnny asks him with a concerned look.

The ringing in his ears halts to a stop. He remembers this. He remembers his father telling him that he experienced a distinct ringing in his ears before he started to hear his mother’s voice humming in his head. Jaehyun blinks. The ringing in his ears causes him to see different specks of colours, red, blue, and even green. He feels like his head is spinning. He feels like he’s going to pass out. But it only happens for a brief moment.

Suddenly, he hears a soft voice humming a melody in his head. In an instant, the soft humming in his head stops him from seeing colours and he no longer feels faint. He’s too absorbed in his thoughts to snap back to reality. Johnny is waving his hand in his face to pull him out of his trance. Jaehyun sucks in a deep breath, almost like he’s gasping for air. The soft humming in his head slowly turns into a voice that’s singing an unfamiliar song. He’s never heard this song before.

Johnny sighs with relief when Jaehyun snaps out of his deep trance. Jaehyun looks at Johnny with slightly widened eyes. 

“Johnny, I think we have a problem.”

Johnny snorts. “What are you talking about? You’re probably just tired. We should head back to the dorms before you knock out cold in the studio again.”

Jaehyun runs his fingers through his hair. “R-Right. We should probably go.”

Johnny rests his hand on his shoulder. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, everything’s—everything’s alright.” Jaehyun stutters.

No, nothing’s alright. Nothing’s okay. 

His phone buzzes in his pocket. He pulls it out to see a new text notification from his girlfriend. 

ara (12:03 am): happy birthday my love! and happy valentine’s day! i love you 3000.

Jaehyun just turned twenty-one. Not only that, but he just started to hear his soulmate’s voice in his head. He should be happy, right? Wrong. There are two things wrong with this:

He’s taken. He’s off the market. He’s in a 3-year relationship and,

The voice singing in his head is not his girlfriend’s voice.

Well, shit. Now what?

It’s the day you dread with your entire existence; Valentine’s Day. The campus couples flock to the local cafes and parks, the dormitories and even the campus football field. It truly makes you want to throw up. If you could take a shot of vodka for every time you’ve witnessed a couple kissing or giving each other their Valentine’s Day chocolates, you’d be shitfaced drunk by now. 

The only person keeping you sane is Mark. But even with Mark’s presence, he’s too absorbed by the presence of his own girlfriend, Mina. You guess this will do. It’s not like you really have a choice.

Today, you’re going to get your new love assignment. You’re not sure who to expect. Every year, it’s become less surprising and more disappointing. You guess it has to do with your aching desire for love, but you’re not going to dive deep into that. 

You’ll know who your love assignment is when you meet their eyes. When you meet your love assignment’s eyes, you won’t see yourself reflected through their eyes, but their soulmate, their partner you’re supposed to link them to. The moment you witness it, your year to make them fall in love begins. 

Be careful though, time is ticking.

“Can you guys stop talking to each other in baby voices?” You snap at the couple sitting next to you on the picnic blanket. 

The couple had decided to bring you along on their picnic date, just because they figured that you needed to ‘spice’ your life up a bit. You feel like a huge burden to them because whenever you’re with them, all you do is complain about all the things they do as a couple. Could you really blame yourself at this point? 

“Y/N, if only you had a boyfriend, you would know how it feels.” Mina sticks her tongue out at you and you feel your eye twitch. 

Mark lets out a nervous laugh. “Y/N is an independent woman who doesn’t need a man—”

“Yeah, your boyfriend’s right.” You cut him off, looking at Mina dead straight in the eyes. “Got a problem with that?”

“Stop giving me attitude—”

“And stop acting like I didn’t help you and Mark get together.” You snap.

She smiles and laughs sheepishly. As she gets up onto her two feet, she dusts off her straight-cut jeans before pointing towards the local cafe. “Do you guys want anything? My treat.”

“I’ll have the usual,” Mark replies. “Take my card—”

“Babe, no—”

“I’m not letting you pay for our drinks again—”

You let out a scowl, placing some cash into Mina’s hand. “Here. I’ll pay. I’m this close to ripping my hair off my scalp and it’s because of you two.”

“Did you wake up on the wrong side of the bed this morning?” Mina frowns. “You’ve been petty all day.”

“Get me a double shot on ice,” you mutter. “No sugar or cream. Got it?”

“You’re just like how you like your coffee,” Mina folds her arms. “Bitter.”

As Mina is walking away from you and Mark, you fall back against the picnic blanket. The clouds come by in funny shapes today. You spot a tiny, heart-shaped cloud floating past in the blue skies. You snort, love seems to be everywhere today, even in the skies. Your eyes flutter shut. You’re so close to dozing off into a quick nap until you hear a loud yell from a couple of metres away. It’s too late for you to open your eyes and see who’s yelling because the moment you do, there’s a soccer ball flying in the air. The size of the soccer ball grows when you start to realize that it’s literally going to land right on your face—

“Nice save, dude.” Mark says as he looks at you with amusement. Just in time and with your fast instincts, you managed to cover your face with the palms of your hands to catch the ball. 

Mark’s pulling you up into a seated position. As you sit up, you see someone approaching you from the corner of your eye. 

“I’m so sorry about that!” A soft voice exclaims and you turn to your right. You look up at a woman around your age. She has long black hair and a soft face. She looks warmhearted. Her vibe radiates happiness and happy-go-lucky, welcoming and sociable. Everything you’re not. She’s sporting a soccer jersey and a pair of athletic joggers. “Are you alright? I hope you didn’t get hurt or anything.”

You wave it off. “I’m A-okay. There’s nothing to worry about. Here’s your soccer ball.”

She slightly bends down to retrieve her ball. Her long black hair blocks your eyesight for a brief moment until the wind blows it away. Your eyes meet hers and a soft gasp threatens to escape your lips. 

You’ll know who your love assignment is when you meet their eyes. Her eyes are a nice warm brown, shining underneath the sunlight. You swear you could see stars in her eyes. No, scratch that, you can see galaxies and stars in her eyes.

When you meet your love assignment’s eyes, you won’t see yourself reflected through their eyes, but their soulmate. And indeed, you look at her with slight surprise and shock when you don’t see your own reflection through her eyes. Instead, you see what seems to be a soccer player. The more you look into her eyes, the more information you obtain about her soulmate. He slowly turns around and it reveals his name on the back of his soccer jersey—

“Yuta?” You whisper.

The woman’s eyebrows knit together in confusion. She takes her ball and straightens up her posture. “Thanks again. What’s your name? I feel like I’ve seen you before.”

You snap out of it. “Y/N! My name’s Y/N. Nice to meet you.”

She smiles and her eyes form into beautiful crescents. “Nice to meet you, Y/N. I’m Ara. I should probably get going before I run late for lecture. See you around?”

You nod your head vigorously. “Yeah, I’ll see you around. Nice to meet you too, take care.”

You find yourself staring at her as she walks away. Mark looks at you as you seem to fall into a deep trance. He follows your gaze that falls on Ara. “Hey, is everything alright?”

You tear your gaze away from her to look at Mark. “What’s her name again?”

Mark looks at you with a funny smile. “You forgot her name already? Her name’s Ara.”

“Mark,” you gulp nervously. “She’s my love assignment for this year.”

Mark’s face pales. His funny smile vanishes from his face. He looks like he’s seen a ghost. You can’t seem to comprehend the expression on his face but you know that something’s not good. There’s an unsettling feeling in the pit of your stomach as Mark’s mouth hangs open.

“You’re joking, right?” Mark frowns. “How could Ara be your love assignment? That’s—That’s impossible, I—”

You shake your head. “I’m not joking. I didn’t see myself reflected through her eyes, I saw Yuta—”

“You saw Jaehyun.” Mark cuts you off. “Right? Jaehyun. You saw Jaehyun, right?”

You let out a nervous laugh. “Why would I see Jaehyun? I didn’t see Jaehyun. I saw Yuta, the university’s soccer team player. He was wearing a jersey and he turned around. I saw his name printed on his jersey. Nakamoto Yuta—”

“Please tell me you’re kidding.” Mark winces.

“I’m not kidding!” You exclaim in a panicked voice. “Why would I be kidding?”

Mark palms his forehead and lets out a laugh of disbelief. He shakes his head. You stare at him questioningly. What’s happening? What’s going on? 

“Mark, you’re confusing me.” You say with worry etched on your face. “I am telling you the truth. I saw Nakamoto Yuta reflected in her eyes—”

“Ara is Jaehyun’s girlfriend. They’ve been dating for three years. Now you’re telling me that Ara’s your love assignment and you don’t see Jaehyun reflected in her eyes… but Yuta?”

“Holy shit.”

“I’m back with our drinks! Wait, what’s wrong? Why are you guys looking at each other like that?”

The image of Yuta’s reflection in Ara’s eyes never seems to leave your mind. In fact, it has been the only thing haunting you ever since. The revelation leaves you in nothing but a spiralling mess. You are required to make Ara fall in love with her soulmate, who so happens to be Yuta. But at the same exact time, to complete your mission, you must do something to end Ara’s relationship with Jaehyun.

You wish it was a joke.

It all comes down to whether you have the heart to lead Ara to her destined soulmate and end her relationship with Jaehyun or leave things for her to figure out but lose your matchmaking abilities as a Cupid.

The sticky situation makes you want to pull your hair off your scalp. It makes you want to look up to the heavens and yell at your ancestors for being Cupids, for passing down their matchmaking abilities to every generation after them, and for passing down the curse of never falling in love. 

“Stop thinking about it too much, it’s making you age faster.” 

You glare at Mark. “I don’t even know Jaehyun personally but I’m sure he’s a great guy who deserves everything in the entire universe, not some soccer player and a so-called Cupid to ruin his three-year relationship with Ara.”

“What happens if you don’t make Ara fall in love with her soulmate within a year—oh, Johnny, hey!”

Your mouth clamps shut and your head whips around. Johnny occupies the empty seat next to you and greets you with a light nudge. He nods his head at Mark. “What happens if what?”

Mark gulps nervously. He lets out a squeak. “Nothing!”

Mark makes eye contact with you and you give him a warning gaze. Johnny shrugs his shoulders and brushes off the conversation by starting a new one. “Tonight at six. Jaehyun’s apartment. We’re going to have a chicken and beer night.”

“This is exactly what I needed—” Mark points at him.

“I think I’ll have to pass on that one. I have a—” 

“Uh, no you’re not.” Johnny shakes his head. “What excuse are you going to tell me this time? Your excuses are getting lamer every time. It’s quite obvious.”

You sigh. “I’d rather study. Besides, I have a midterm coming up and the last thing I want is to tank it.”

“It’s just one night. Chicken and beer. Who turns down chicken and beer? With friends, too?” Mark tries to convince you but you’re using your eyes to communicate the idea that this will not turn out well.

“Who’s coming?” You tear your gaze away from Mark when he doesn’t seem to take a hint. You’re reaching for your water bottle to take a quick sip of water.

“It’ll be me, Mark, Jaehyun, Jungwoo, Ara,” Johnny recalls the guests from the top of his head. “Oh! Yuta is coming too—”

You choke on your water. As you’re going through a coughing fit, Mark grabs your water bottle to prevent any more water from spilling onto the table. Johnny pats your back. “Y-Yuta? As in, Nakamoto Yuta?”

Johnny smiles. “Indeed. Why? Do you have a crush on him or something—”

“No!” You and Mark blurt out in unison.

Johnny gives you both a funny look. “Okay, geez, I was just joking around. Unless, you do, have a crush on Yuta, Y/N—”

“Look who we have here.” 

It’s a foreign yet familiar voice. You’ve heard that voice somewhere. You sneak a quick glance at Mark, whose eyes are wide like saucers. You could see his Adam’s apple bob up and down as he gulps nervously. Mark’s eyes trail down to meet yours. 

“Jaehyun! Ara! Perfect timing!”

Definitely not perfect timing. You mirror Mark with the same wide eyes. It’s almost as if you’ve shrivelled up or froze up into an ice statue. Johnny doesn’t seem to notice you shoving your things into your tote bag out of sheer panic. Mark’s eyes dart between you and the newly-arrived couple. 

“Hey, sorry, I completely forgot that I have a meeting with my group for our project.” It comes out as a squeak. Everyone’s looking at you and you can’t find the strength to look at any of them in the eye. But you can surely feel the attention that’s been shifted towards you. 

“Leaving already?” Johnny pouts. “I just got here—”

“Sorry!” You exclaim, standing up from your seat and making a beeline for the exit doors of the study room. You look over your shoulder. Johnny has a cute pout on his lips as he watches you scurry away from them. “I’ll make it up to you!”

“You’ll make it up to me by joining us tonight for chicken and beer!”

When Jaehyun and Ara take up the spot you used to sit at, Mark can’t help but look at Ara with round eyes. He just can’t seem to look at Ara the same way anymore, especially when she’s with Jaehyun. Mark decides to settle his gaze on Jaehyun instead, but he still feels the same. He can’t look at Jaehyun the same way either. The first person that comes to mind when he looks at the couple sitting across from him is Nakamoto Yuta. The second and last person that comes to mind is you.

There are two innocent people being brought into this mess. It’s you and Yuta.

And what’s worse is that Jaehyun and Ara are just as innocent.

You and Mark find yourselves standing in front of Jaehyun’s door. Surprisingly, it’s quiet. You don’t hear Johnny’s loud voice through the thin door. Instead, right when Mark knocks on the door, you hear someone’s faint shuffling that gets louder and louder as they get close to the door. The door swings open and your mouth slightly parts open. This is—?

“Jaehyun!” Mark exclaims, crashing into Jaehyun’s arms. 

You stand there awkwardly as you watch them embrace. Jaehyun pats Mark’s back until his eyes meet yours. Jaehyun. You’ve known of him. But now that you can put a face to his name, you’re immediately brought back to your freshman year, specifically your freshman orientation week. You’ve seen his face before. Jaehyun was amongst the popular freshmen in your year mainly due to his charisma and charm. By the end of freshman orientation week, he had become a magnet that attracted everyone to him. But not only did you remember him from orientation week, but you remember being one of the many people who were attracted to him. He had become your first university crush, but ever since orientation week, you never saw him again.

Until now.

“I’m guessing you’re Y/N?” Jaehyun asks and you find yourself snapping out of your trance. “I’d be surprised if you weren’t.”

You slowly nod your head. “Yes, that’s me.”

“The one that was scurrying away earlier?” He chuckles.

You roll your eyes. “God, please don’t remind me. That was embarrassing.”

“Nice to meet you,” he smiles and oh boy, are those dimples? 

You swoon. Too bad Jaehyun’s off the market. But at the same time, it’s a shame that you’re going to be the one to ruin his relationship and put him back on the market. You muster up a smile. “Nice to meet you too, Jaehyun.”

You and Mark make yourselves comfortable in Jaehyun’s apartment. Your eyes scan the place and just by the small touches to his apartment, you can pick up what kind of person Jaehyun is. From the LP turntable sitting in one corner of the room accompanied by a great stack of records—he has some exquisite taste in music—to the mini fridge filled with bottles of wine, you can tell that he’s a young man with an old soul. You turn to your right when you spot a piano and a microphone stand. It’s a makeshift studio in the opposite corner of his living room. He sings?

“I’ve heard many things about you from Johnny,” Jaehyun starts a conversation as he hands you a can of beer. “And Mark, of course.”

You open the can of beer to take your first sip, making sure to squint your eyes at Mark. “I hope they’re good things.”

He smiles. “There’s nothing to worry about. They put you up to the highest standard.”

You cough. “As they should.”

Mark scoffs. “You’re being too obnoxious right now.”

“Shut up,” you mutter, taking another sip of your beer. “What’s taking Johnny so long to get here? After scolding me for bailing out on every single function, here he is, pulling up later than promised.”

“Speaking of,” Jaehyun says as he stares at his phone. “His uber just pulled up. I’ll meet up with him downstairs. While I go fetch him, make yourselves comfortable.”

Jaehyun leaves you alone in silence. The moment Jaehyun shuts the door, Mark shoots you a cheeky grin. He’s wiggling his eyebrows at you and you can’t help but squint your eyes at him. 

“Why are you looking at me like that—”

“You like him, don’t you?”

You scoff in disbelief. “I do not like him like that—”

“You do.” Mark cuts you off. “I’m getting that type of energy from you—”

“Well, sorry to disappoint, I don’t like him like that. Besides, he’s in a relationship with Ara—”

“He’s in a relationship that you’re destined to end.” Mark reminds you and you frown. “What? It’s true!”

You shake your head and with a stern voice, you say, “I don’t like Jaehyun. I just find him... charming.”

“That’s all—”

“And handsome—”

“Oh—”

“And sweet.” You add. “But other than that, I don’t like him. I’m Cupid, remember? I’m cursed to never fall in love and so the chances of me liking Jaehyun? Very slim.”

Mark smirks. “But you find him charming, handsome, and sweet. Isn’t that more than enough to like someone?”

“There’s a very distinct line drawn between infatuation and love, Mark.” You state with a matter of fact. 

“So, you’re infatuated with Jaehyun—”

“What’s up party people, put your hands up!”

Both of your mouths clamp shut at Johnny’s freakishly loud voice echoing the apartment the moment he walks in. You dumbly put your hands up and Mark lets out a loud cackle. Entering right after him are Ara and—

“Yuta, my right hand and my go-to!” Mark exclaims.

You wish you were invisible, especially when Ara spots you on the couch and sends you a wave. You’re mustering up a very tight-lipped smile as you wave back at her. Great, this is going to be a long night. Jaehyun follows suit, throwing his arm over Ara’s shoulder and pecking her cheek. Mark sneaks a glance at you as you’re tearing your gaze away from the couple to take another sip of beer.

“Y/N actually came for once,” Johnny teases you. 

Everyone gathers around the small coffee-table. Scattered on the small table are three boxes of chicken along with a can of beer for everyone. You’re sitting right across from Yuta, who hasn’t uttered a single word since he got here. But surprisingly enough, his eyes meet yours and you quickly look away. Your heart begins to race. 

And your heart starts to beat much faster when Yuta never seems to break his stare at you for the rest of the night.

Yuta has definitely seen you before but he can’t seem to pinpoint exactly where he’s seen you. It must have been a fleeting moment, where the both of you passed by each other unknowingly. But after looking into your wandering eyes, after watching you chug a can of beer right across from him, he has found his answer.

Valentine’s Day.

He was biking on his way home after a three-hour lecture. Too many couples. He remembers the excessive amount of couples strolling down the busy streets. He remembers having the urge to rip his eyes out whenever he came to a stoplight and spotted a couple sharing a passionate (way too passionate) kiss. But he also remembers the sudden loneliness he felt.

Ara. He’s always found her pretty in her own special way. His first encounter with Ara was when she auditioned for the co-ed soccer team. He was seated at the bleachers as one of the head coaches who chose the new team members. She was everything he adored in someone. It was like she had her own glow whenever she ran down the field, with her hair bouncing as she ran. 

But too bad because she’s—

“Taken?”

Jaehyun let out a sigh on the other phone line. Yuta pursed his lips into a tight line. “Listen, I tried to get those concert tickets for you tonight through my connections. But all of the available seats are taken. Well, there are still some seats but the seats you wanted are gone.”

“Do you have tickets for other seats?” Jaehyun questioned.

“Yeah, but the seats are pretty far from the stage. Are you alright with that?”

He heard distinct chatter on the other phone line. He heard Ara’s soft voice and a smile threatened to escape his lips. Right… she’s taken by Jaehyun. “We’ll take them!”

“Perfect.” Yuta chuckled. “I’m on my way to your apartment, actually. I’ll be there in a couple of minutes to give you the tickets.”

Yuta turned to his right and into a familiar neighbourhood. He slowed down his bike when he reached Jaehyun’s apartment building. As he headed up a couple flights of stairs, he reached Jaehyun’s apartment completely out of breath. The door opened and he saw—

“Oh, hey, Ara.” He scratched the back of his neck nervously. “Is Jaehyun here?”

Ara beamed up at him and nodded her head. “Come in. You look like you’re out of breath. Do you want a glass of water, or something?”

“I’m good. Thanks.” He mumbled, too shy and nervous to utter anything other than those three words. Ara bit her lip to stop herself from smiling. God, why is he so nervous around her?

“Yuta!” Jaehyun said in a sing-song voice, greeting him with a fist-bump.

“Hey—oh?”

Yuta clamped his mouth shut when he looked into Jaehyun’s eyes. Jaehyun’s eyes sure do look pretty, he could see stars shining back at him. But that’s not what he saw.

He saw an unfamiliar woman. He’s never seen her before.

In Jaehyun’s eyes, he saw a woman holding what seemed like a microphone. She had headphones on and her face was illuminated by what he assumed was a laptop screen. She was singing a song he couldn’t hear. Yuta blinked, soaking in every little detail about the woman he saw in Jaehyun’s eyes. But it was not long until his face paled when he realized something terrible.

The woman he saw in Jaehyun’s eyes was not Ara.

Valentine’s Day. It’s the day he dreads the most out of the entire year. It’s the day where he receives his love assignment for the year. He has one year to make his assignment fall in love with their soulmate. But how is he going to do that when his love assignment is Jaehyun? 

Cupids are cursed to never fall in love. Although, Yuta does have sheer hope that he could definitely find love. How could he not, when he’s a hopeless fool in front of Ara? It’s this specific Valentine’s Day that he dreads the most out of all the Valentine’s Days he’s spent. Why? Because while he found out that Jaehyun’s soulmate isn’t Ara, that surely doesn’t mean that he has a chance with Ara. In fact, he’ll never have a chance with Ara. He could potentially be the man Ara will hate the most.

Because one way or another, he must tear Ara and Jaehyun apart.

author’s note. welp, i hope you enjoyed the first part! i should be able to post the second part after all of my midterms. look out for it! thank you for reading!

[thewillowtree3]

Korrasami Secret Santa 2021

Hi, Korrasami fam. You know the drill. :)

We’re doing Korrasami Secret Santa for 2021! @threehoursfromtroy and I are doing this again :). (Yeah, I just copied and pasted this from Korrasami Secret Santa 2020 xD). 4 years in a row, let’s go. :)

The rules are the same:

Korrasami creators will be able to gift one another with Secret Santa gifts. Whether it be fics, art, videos, animations…the fun’s all there! (It doesn’t have to be holiday-themed! It can be whatever you want :)

The Process:

This Secret Santa exchange will be done through drawnames.com, which is a Secret Santa Name Generator. You’ll need your email for this, and you can message me it directly on Tumblr (I’ll gather everyone’s names up, and put them into the generator when it’s time to draw names.)

The due date to sign up is 11:59 PM Nov 29, 2021 PDT (I’d like everyone to have ample time to do their Secret Santa gifts). :)

Most likely, you’ll need to make an account on drawnames.com (you don’t need to, but it’s recommended.  When you get to writing your Wish List on there, under ‘Hobbies and Interests’, make two different lists: One for ‘Fic Requests’, the other for ‘Art Requests’. If a writer draws your name, you’ll have a suggestion for what you want them to write. If an artist draws your name, they’ll have an idea of what to create! (Also, originally, this project only had fanfic and fanart- but if anyone can contribute any other talents, that’d be swell!)

Example: Fic Request- I want Korra and Asami cuddling at home with a fireplace!

Art Request: I want Korrasami going otter-penguin sledding!

The fic and art requests can be the same, or they can be different. Please limit it to one, or if you can’t choose, then two options. You can also note things that you don’t want (i.e. No smut or NSFW work!). You can be as specific as you wish.

Also, everyone else! We recognize that there may be people in the fandom who don’t create content, but still want to contribute! @lamftw​ came up with these great ideas two years ago, if you’d still like to participate in the Secret Santa. You can:

Create Korrasami memes! The more memes, the better :)

Share your favorite Korrasami headcanons! We’d love to hear them.

Share your favorite artwork/fanfic!

Share your favorite moment from LoK or share how much Korrasami means to you.

Create Korrasami memes, write a sweet holiday message/ note of appreciation :)

Also, we can all show some love to our favorite creators, to Bryke, Janet Varney, and Seychelle Gabriel (the voice of Korra and Asami, respectively). :)

When everyone has signed up, I’ll put all the names into the Secret Santa Name Generator. You should get an email, asking you to join the Secret Santa exchange. Just click ‘Join Group’, and you’re good! Once everyone has joined, the names will then be drawn, and you’ll get your chosen individual (you’ll get an email for this too). Please remember to check your email on Nov 29; we cannot draw names unless everyone has joined the Secret Santa group!

The reveal will be on Dec 19, 2021 (the 7th Korrasami Anniversary :D). Post your work on Tumblr, and tag the person you got, so they’ll know what lovely work they got! Also, please tag ‘Korrasami Secret Santa’ so we can save these posts for the future :).

Please note that if you sign up, you HAVE to commit to making something. This is open to all creators, of any skill level, but please please make something if you sign up. You don’t wanna leave anyone hanging!

Last note- remember to message either me or @threehoursfromtroy on Tumblr and give us your email. That’s the way to sign up! :)

This has been organized a little bit late this year, but I still wanted to do it ;D. Let’s end 2021 on a bang with some Korrasami goodness ;D

Spread this to all your creator friends! LET’S DO THIS FAM!! 

4 YEARS IN A ROW LEGGO ;DD

[jamespotterthefirst]

Admission

Open Heart, Book 1, Chapter 13 Retold through social media posts and messages All posts here

Warning: Language and implications of adult activities

_____________________________________________________ Posted at 5:59 PM

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Sent at 6:35 PM Nurses’ group chat named “Tea Spill”

_____________________________________________________ Sent at 6:40 PM EMT group chat named “10-04”

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Received at 7:03 PM From: Rafael Aveiro To: Lilac Allende

_____________________________________________________ Received at 7:46 PM From: Ethan Ramsey To: Lilac Allende

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Received at 7:57 PM

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Voice call from Ethan Ramsey to Lilac Allende at 7:57 PM Duration: 8 minutes

Lilac: Hey. Ethan: Hey. [Long silence] Lilac:... Ethan? Is everything alright? Ethan: I wanted to apologize to you…. For slamming that door in your face. With the news about Naveen… [silence] Ethan: It wasn't my most gallant moment. After you left, I realized you had also received terrible news of your own. You needed me and I wasn't there for you. For that, I'm truly sorry, Lilac. Lilac: Ethan, I don't blame you for being in that state of mind, but thank you for the apology. [Distant chatting and laughing] Bryce: [in the background] The Haupia has arrived! Sienna: Yum! I've always wanted to try it! Jackie: That's store bought and you know it, scalpel jockey. Ethan: Busy? Lilac: No, just my roommates getting dinner ready. [Chatter grows distant. A door closes] Lilac: I'm all yours. [Long silence on Ethan's end] Lilac: Ethan? Ethan: I'm here. You should go be with your friends. Lilac: It's fine. They'll understand— Ethan: I insist, Lilac. I'll be fine. I promise. Lilac: Liar. Ethan: [chuckling] Fine. But I still insist you go and have a good time. Lilac: Can I check on you later? Ethan: You don't have to. Lilac: I want to. And I'll try my best to help you take your mind off everything. Ethan: That sounds… ominous. Lilac: [laughing] You'll have to find out. Ethan: I'm sure I will. Lilac: Bye, Ethan. Ethan: Bye, Rookie.

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Posted at 8:36 PM

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Received at 9:16 PM From: Naveen Banerji To: Ethan Ramsey

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Received at 9:32 PM From: Zaid Mirani To: Ines Delarosa

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Sent at 11:38 PM From: Lilac Allende To: Ethan Ramsey

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Sent at 12:22 AM From: Lilac Allende To: Ethan Ramsey

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Received at 1:31 AM From: Ethan Ramsey To: Lilac Allende

_____________________________________________________ Received at 1:49 AM From: Ethan Ramsey To: Lilac Allende

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Received at 1:58 AM From: Lilac Allende To: Ethan Ramsey Duration: 36 minutes

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Received at 2:34 AM From: Lilac Allende To:  Ethan Ramsey

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Received at 2:21 AM From: Ethan Ramsey To: Lilac Allende Duration: 1 hour, 23 minutes

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Received at 3:44 AM From: Lilac Allende To: Ethan Ramsey

_____________________________________________________ Posted at 5:45 AM

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Interview recorded for official purposes Present: Harper Emery, Elijah Green Time: 8:45 AM

H. Emery: Thank you for seeing me today Dr. Greene. Please come in. I trust you know why I called you into my office today?

E. Greene: If this is about the lunch thief that's been striking for the last few days, then I'm glad it's finally getting addressed.

H. Emery: Lunch...thief?

E. Greene: Someone's been stealing people's lunches from the lounge. It's getting ridiculous.

H. Emery: I… No, Dr. Greene, that particular incident is not why I called this meeting. Although, I will inform the Senior Resident about the issue. I called you today because I want more information on Dr. Lilac Allende.

E. Greene: What about Lilac?

H. Emery: I understand you two are friends?

E. Greene: Yeah, she's a good friend.

H. Emery: Dr. Greene, I'll get straight to the point. I am conducting an investigation to determine Dr. Allende's involvement in the death of Teresa Martinez. Do you know anything about that?

E. Greene: Sorry, Chief Emery. I'd say I know even less about what happened to Mrs. M than you do.

H. Emery: Hmmm. Do you recall the day Mr. Declan Nash visited Edenbrook for a meeting with me?

E. Greene: Yes, ma'am.

H. Emery: You came to me claiming that Dr. Mirani needed immediate help with a VIP patient. But when we got there, there was no Dr. Mirani and no problem. Why did Lilac Allende ask you to get me away from Declan Nash?

E. Greene: Lilac? She had nothing to do with it, I got the idea to rescue you all on my own!

H. Emery: Rescue me?

E. Greene: Dude seemed like a creep. I thought you could use a break.

H. Emery: (Stunned silence) Thank you, Dr. Greene. That was incredibly thoughtful if a bit unorthodox.

H. Emery: However, I ask you to refrain from intervening during any of my future meetings, no matter how distressed you believe me to be.

E. Greene: Loud and clear, Dr. Emery.

H. Emery: What else can you tell me about Dr. Allende?

E. Greene: Lilac's a cool roommate. Living with her is fun when she gets all my pop culture references. Even if she does believe Mean Girls was the best movie ever made and quotes it constantly. She used to live in LA and has all kinds of crazy stories. Do you want to hear about the time she met Samuel L. Jackson?

H. Emery: … No, thank you, Dr. Greene. I think I've heard enough. [End of recording] _____________________________________________________

Sent at 9:01 AM From: Eduardo Ortiz To: Veronica Ortiz

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Sent at 9:10 AM Residents’ group chat named “Boston Tea Party”

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Sent at 9:16 AM ICU Nurses’ group chat named “kiss our assessment”

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Sent at 9:17 AM Interns’ group chat named “Bop to the Top”

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Sent at 9:20 AM EMT group chat named “10-04”

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Sent at 9: 23 AM Surgeons’ group chat named “Cutting Edge”

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Sent at 9:25 AM From: Harper Emery To: Ethan Ramsey Status: Unread

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Sent at 9:25 AM From: Lilac Allende To: Ethan Ramsey Status: read, unanswered

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Interview recorded for official purposes Present: Harper Emery, Jackie Varma Time: 10:05 AM

H. Emery: Dr. Varma, thank you for joining me. Do you know why I called you in today?

J. Varma: No idea.

H. Emery: I know you're busy with your caseload so I'll cut to the chase. What is your relationship with Dr. Allende?

J. Varma: We share a bathroom and an internet plan.

H. Emery: You're not friends?

J. Varma: Dr. Emery, I applied here to learn to be the best doctor, not to compete for Edenbrook's Friendship Awards.

H. Emery: I see. So there's nothing else you could tell me about Dr. Allende?

J. Varma: To be honest, she's indistinguishable from my other roommates. They're all distracting loud noise through the wall of my room as I'm trying to study up for my patients. The few times I saw her outside the apartment were a few rounds at Donahue's across the street, when we are all new and in that honeymoon phase. But unless you want to know her drink order, I have nothing.

H. Emery: That won't be necessary.

J. Varma: Is there anything else, Chief Emery?

H. Emery: I suppose not. You may return to your duties. _____________________________________________________

Interview recorded for official purposes Present: Harper Emery, Sienna Trinh Time: 10:25 AM

H. Emery: Good afternoon, Dr. Trinh. Thank you for meeting with me. Please have a seat.

S. Trinh: The pleasure is all mine, Dr. Emery. What can I do for you?

H. Emery: I'd like to talk to you about one of your fellow interns today. People tell me you are close to Lilac Allende.

S. Trinh: We're both dolphins not sharks, so we got along right away.

H. Emery: You're both… what?

S. Trinh: Neither of us are interested in screwing over other interns to get ahead. Lilac's a very moral person.

H. Emery: And how do those morals apply to Dr. Allende's patients?

S. Trinh: She definitely wouldn't screw over a patient either.

H. Emery: Can you say that with absolute certainty?

S. Trinh:  Cross my heart and hope to die. I've seen how kind Lilac is in all aspects of her life. But she is the most passionate when it comes to her family, friends, and patients. Lilac has a good heart.

H. Emery: Noted. Thank you, Dr. Trinh. Anything else you'd like to add?

S. Trinh: Yes. I hope you don't mind me asking but… where did you get those earrings? They're gorgeous!

H. Emery: Oh. They were a gift from my mother.

S. Trinh: They're stunning. You look great in them!

H. Emery: Thank you, Dr. Trinh, that's very sweet.

_____________________________________________________

Interview recorded for official purposes Present: Harper Emery, Landry Olsen Time: 10:50 AM

H. Emery: Please come in Dr. Olsen. Take a seat.

H. Emery: Before we begin, it is my duty to let you know our conversation is being recorded for HR and any other parties who might request it in the future.

L.Olsen: ... O-other parties? Like the authorities?

H. Emery: Possibly. Depending on the findings of the investigation. Are you alright, Dr. Olsen?

L.Olsen: I— Shouldn't I have an attorney present, then?

H. Emery: There's no need to lawyer up for this, Dr. Olsen. I only have a few questions about an intern you're in close contact with. Shall we get started?

L.Olsen: Sure.

H. Emery: Dr. Olsen, what is your relationship with Dr. Allende?

L.Olsen: We're roommates.

H. Emery: You're not friends?

L.Olsen: No.

H. Emery:  …

L.Olsen: I mean, y-yes. You could say that.

H. Emery: Can you tell me more about Dr. Allende?

L.Olsen: I've rarely seen her these past few weeks. Been studying up for our fellowship competition.

H. Emery: The one Dr. Ramsey used to be in charge of before he quit?

L.Olsen: (long, stunned silence) Dr. Ramsey quit?

H. Emery: That's right. Just a few hours ago.

L.Olsen: Does that mean the diagnostics team—

H. Emery:  —will probably be disbanded, yes. Unless Dr. Mirani or Dr. Hirata wish to continue the competition for two spots. Knowing one of them, she will refuse.

L.Olsen: (more silence)

H. Emery: Dr. Olsen, are you certain you're alright?

L.Olsen: Y-yeah.

H. Emery: Given that you live with her, do you know of any involvement she may have had with the death of Teresa Martinez?

L.Olsen: I've already given all the information I have, Dr. Emery.

H. Emery: Very well. Thank you for meeting with me today.

_____________________________________________________

Posted at 11:13 AM

_____________________________________________________

Sent at 3:23 PM Interns’ group chat named “Bop to the Top”

_____________________________________________________

Received at 6:16 PM From: Alan Ramsey To: Ethan Ramsey

_____________________________________________________ Received at 11:10 AM Group chat named “who tf is Martha” Members: Lilac Allende, Sienna Trinh, Elijah Greene, Jackie Varma, Landry Olsen

_____________________________________________________

Posted at 9:00 AM

_____________________________________________________

Posted at 11:58 AM

_____________________________________________________

Posted at 1:14 PM

_____________________________________________________

Posted at 1:39 PM

_____________________________________________________

Posted at 4:49 PM

_____________________________________________________

Sent at 4:55 PM

_____________________________________________________

Posted at 6:16 PM

_____________________________________________________

Posted at 6:30 PM

_____________________________________________________

Posted at the following day at 10:13 AM

_____________________________________________________

Sent at 10:39 AM From: Lilac Allende To: Bryce Lahela

_____________________________________________________

Posted at 12:03 PM

_____________________________________________________

Sent at 12:41 PM From: Bryce Lahela To: Lilac Allende

_____________________________________________________

Posted at 3:56 PM

_____________________________________________________

Published at 5:00 PM

_____________________________________________________

Received at 5:43 PM Nurses’ group chat named “tea spill”

_____________________________________________________

Author’s Note: Thank you if you read this monster.

A few notes:

A HUGE thank you to everyone who read, liked, and/or commented on the last chapter of this. I just realized I never replied. Forgive me. My brain is all over the place these days. I’m trying to be better. I am appreciative forever and ever for all the support you guys have shown me.

  The same goes for “Burgundy”. I will absolutely reply to everyone but I realize it’s been a while. I don’t want people to think I’m being rude and ignoring their lovely words of support. Anyway, I ramble.

 Regarding this chapter, I decided to add that Ethan x MC steamy texts scene because I was feeling self-indulgent lol. But also because I figured he knew he was leaving Edenbrook the next day after he told Naveen.

  MC didn’t sleep with Bryce in the on-call room (even though she does in the actual game for me lol. Couldn’t have her do it after that phone scene with Ethan)

Sorry for any mistakes or typos. Tumblr will not let me edit a massive post full of code like this. It will let me make all the changes and then not save them. Sigh. I expect nothing from this site and I am still let down.

Thank you so much, as always! Everyone has been so lovely to this series and it means the world!

Much love, Bree ____________________________________

*tagging separately because this post is ready to burst with code

[demonsigh]

the hunt

rating: lime/mature pairing: male vampire x gender-neutral reader features: touch starvation, safewords, biting, aftercare, cuddling warnings: blood, fear, being chased, dizziness length: 4240 words

Feeling isolated and craving physical intimacy, a college student agrees to be hunted and bitten by a vampire in exchange for a post-meal snuggling session. Based on this prompt submitted to @monsterkinkmeme​​ by @the-color-of-sound-is-space

You were supposed to meet him at 11 PM, in the middle of Bartleby Park. Vampires were nocturnal and uncomfortable in the sun, so the hunt had to take place at night. But did it have to be this late?

It wasn’t as if you were getting tired. You were something of a nocturnal animal yourself nowadays; college tended to do that to people. But the park was pretty creepy this late at night, eerily empty and unnaturally quiet.

You checked your phone again. 11:10 already. He was late. Had he been held up? Or could he have overslept? That thought wrung a quiet chuckle from you — a sound not at all reassuring to hear in the dark silence of the park.

The “he” in question was a vampire named Roland that you’d met on the internet. You were meeting up so he could suck your blood.

For whatever reason, college towns tended to attract vampires. It probably had something to do with the vibrant nightlife, and the bars that never closed, and parties that only ended when the sun rose. Or perhaps it was the rich history of such places, in the old stone buildings and the musty library books. Or maybe it was just the students themselves: curious and open-minded, over-educated and sheltered and a little bit reckless.

In the modern age, most vampires obtained their food in the modern way: in bags, from blood banks or speciality clinics. But there were those who still swore by more natural methods. Many believed that feeding from the source provided physical and mental health benefits. For others, the desire to stalk, and chase, and bite, was simply too strong to resist indulging. Luckily for all, it was not as difficult to find a willing human victim as one might expect.

You discovered a message board that was dedicated to this macabre economy. Vampires would make posts looking for “prey” — humans willing or eager to be bitten. An arrangement would be made for a night of thrilling and dangerous roleplay, where the vampire played the part of the seductive predator, and the human, the helpless victim.

For most of the humans who posted on this forum, being prey was a kink. They enjoyed the thrill of the chase, and the pain of the bite. It was foreplay to them, and the evening inevitably led to sex after their partner’s more pressing appetites were sated.

You became a little obsessed with this message board. You didn’t think you’d mind being bitten; there was something kind of sexy about it. But you weren’t really trying to get laid. What you really wanted was some quality aftercare, a perk that was frequently offered, requested, and discussed on this forum.

College had become something of a lonely experience for you. You hadn’t meant for it to happen, and you weren’t sure where you’d gone wrong. In your freshman year you’d made an effort to be social, starting a number of casual friendships, but none of them really stuck. You were still close to your high school friends, and you talked to them online all the time, but somehow the number of people with whom you had any physical interaction had dwindled down to zero.

It made you lonely in a deep, nagging way. You wanted a hug. You wanted to hold someone’s hand. You daydreamed constantly about these things, setting up elaborate scenarios in your mind that led to someone safe and warm holding you for hours at a time. You felt like these fantasies were reaching a boiling point in your mind. And one night, after drinking several beers by yourself, you made your own post on that message board. You would let someone bite you (hunt optional), in exchange for an evening of snuggling (sex optional).

And that was how you met Roland. He wasn’t the only vampire who replied to your post, but he was the only one who lived within easy walking distance. You agreed to meet at one of the campus cafes and discuss possibilities over coffee.

You recognized him immediately, although you were pretty sure he didn’t recognize you. He was in one of your classes. You frequently spied him from across the lecture hall, tall and good-looking and unapproachable. You’d always thought there was something a little otherworldly about him, but he mostly just looked like another student. You’d had no idea that he wasn’t even human.

And it turned out he wasn’t as intimidating as he looked. He actually seemed pretty nice, even a little bit shy. He’d never fed straight from the skin before — drinking nothing but bagged blood since he was turned — and he wanted to try it at least once. He wasn’t trying to get laid either. Like you, he was much more interested in the aftercare, hoping for something like a cooldown hug once the deed was done. That suited you just fine.

The plan was this: You would meet in Bartleby Park at 11 PM. The exact location didn’t matter, he said; he would come find you. This statement gave you an unexpected thrill. Perhaps the hunting part would be more fun than you’d thought. You would run, and he would chase you. If you screamed, all the better — although this did make a safeword necessary. You chose “cardboard,” the first word that came to your mind, which made him laugh. When he finally caught you, he would bite you on the neck and drink your blood. Then he would take you up to his apartment for first aid and spooning. Simple as that.

Only he wasn’t here yet. It was 11:20 now, and you were still alone. Maybe he was having trouble finding you. Or… was he backing out? That thought stung. You suddenly realized just how much you’d been looking forward to this, and the idea of going home tired and alone made you feel more depressed than ever.

A branch snapped in the trees nearby, and your head whipped toward the sound. Your eyes scanned back and forth across the screen of dark leaves, trying and failing to uncover the culprit.

“Roland?” you whispered. You hadn’t meant to whisper, but suddenly you were having trouble finding your voice. Your phone buzzed in your hand, making you jump. It was a text message from your friend:

“How did it go?”

“He’s late, I’m still waiting,” you typed in response.

“Ok… Text me again in an hour or I’m calling the cops.”

Your friends had basically all agreed that this seemed like a bad idea. You were starting to wonder if they were right. You didn’t know Roland at all… even if you knew where he lived and where he went to school. Even if he was cute and he seemed nice.

And even if Roland was fine, Roland wasn’t here. It was late, and the park was deserted. Who knew what other weirdos were prowling around out here.

You were starting to feel genuinely anxious. Beneath the trees, the park was dark, the shadows unaffected by the dim light of the street lamps. What was the safeword again? Cardboard? That was it, right?

There was a rapid noise in the grass behind you — tff tff tff — like something rushing towards you in long leaps. That was the last straw. You launched into a flat-out run, heart hammering, breath coming in gasps.

A pair of cold, hard arms wrapped around you from behind, jerking you to a stop. You screamed at the top of your lungs, and then, almost in the same breath, shouted, “Cardboard cardboard cardboard,” all in a rush; sure that the word would mean nothing to this person; that you were about to be hurt or worse.

But cardboard was the magic word. The arms disappeared from around your chest, and in a flash he was standing in front of you.

“I’m sorry,” he said, voice rough, “are you okay? Did I hurt you?”

And of course it was only Roland, the very person you had agreed to do this with. He was staring into your face, expression distressed, hands gripping your shoulders.

“I’m okay,” you wheezed. “It was just… scarier than I expected.”

He was slowly shaking his head back and forth. He looked appalled. “Fuck, I am so sorry.”

You didn’t understand why he was apologizing like that, until you suddenly became aware of the wetness on your cheeks, and the ragged sound of your breathing. Were you crying? God, how fucking embarrassing.

“I’m sorry,” you said, rubbing tears from your eyes with the backs of your hands. “Jesus.”

“No no,” said Roland, “don’t apologize. I think I overdid it. ...And I was pretty late, that definitely didn’t help.”

He was looking around now, frowning into the dark woods, and rubbing your shoulders absently. You were hyper-aware of his hands. They were like ice but every pass of them over your shoulders sent a rush of warmth through you. You felt extremely relieved that he was here, even though he was the reason you’d been so scared in the first place. You wished he would hug you — the desire for this was almost overwhelming — but you felt too dazed and embarrassed to ask.

His eyes met yours once again, and his hands slipped from your shoulders, finding their way into his pockets instead — the exact opposite of what you wanted.

“Uh…” he said. “Do you wanna just skip this part and go straight back to my place?”

A wobbly laugh escaped you, and you nodded weakly. “Are you still gonna suck my blood?” you asked.

“Do you still want me to?”

“Yeah.”

He smiled at that. It was a small, almost shy smile, but enough to give you a good look at his fangs. They looked shockingly white and sharp in the dark.

He started to walk in the direction of his apartment, then paused; and looking back, expression uncertain, he held his hand out towards you. You hesitated for just one second. Then you placed your hand in his, and his cold fingers closed tightly around yours.

“Is this ok?” he asked.

You nodded, not trusting yourself to speak. Your heart was racing again. When was the last time you’d held someone’s hand? You never wanted him to let go.

Neither of you spoke. You wondered if he was feeling as nervous as you were. You’d thought that the scary part was over, but what about what came next? How badly would it hurt when he bit you? He’d never bitten anyone before, he said. How would he react to his first taste?

When you tried to picture it, all you could imagine were his lips pressed against your skin; and his hand cupping the back of your neck, holding you still. They were not unpleasant images. You felt your face heat up, and you were suddenly grateful for the darkness and the cold night air.

It was a fairly short walk. His apartment was a big single-room studio: TV and sofa in one corner, bed and bookcase in another. Rounded doorways branched off into a kitchen and a bathroom. There was a large white-curtained window in the west wall, and moonlight poured in through the glass, illuminating the plush carpet. It was cozy and uncluttered. Roland watched you look around, then looked around himself.

“Maybe in the kitchen?” he asked. He caught your eye, then glanced quickly away. “So we don’t get blood on the carpet.”

How practical. You followed him into the kitchen, forcing yourself to take even breaths as you went. Vampires were supposed to have excellent hearing. Could he hear how fast your heart was beating?

“Want some water?” he asked, opening a cupboard as he spoke. You peered over his shoulder, tickled to see that the only dishes he seemed to own were drinking glasses; no bowls or plates in sight. What would he need a plate for, after all?

He moved around you to fill the glass with water from the sink. He seemed to be avoiding eye-contact, and you wondered again if he was nervous. Somehow the thought made you feel more at ease. Boldly, you opened his refrigerator to examine the contents. Blood bags, and nothing else. Lots of them. Stacks upon stacks, in neat little rows. You couldn’t quite believe it, even though it was exactly what you’d expected to find.

You didn’t know what kind of face you were making, but you were afraid it wasn’t good. You turned toward Roland and found him watching you, expression careful; glass of water forgotten in one hand.

“Yeah…” he said.

“Nothing for me?” you asked, grinning, attempting to break the sudden tension.

He grinned back sheepishly. Then he pulled a little juice box out of the pocket of his jacket. It was the kind of thing they gave you after donating blood. You both began to laugh, and a warm, giddy feeling spread through you.

Roland moved closer and patted one of the countertops. “Hop up here?” he asked. You obliged, although it was more of a scramble than a hop. Roland began pulling more small items from the pockets of his jacket, and setting them on the counter next to you: single-use alcohol wipes; a few band-aids; a little roll of gauze, and a roll of medical tape. It became clear to you that he really had intended to bite you in the park, and he had come prepared.

He was standing very close now, almost pressed against your bent knees. You longed to close the distance. You didn’t move. Roland’s movements also grew slower, more hesitant. Stalling.

“Are you nervous?” you asked.

“Yeah,” he admitted.

“Why?”

He looked you right in the eye, finally. His expression was serious.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” he said.

“I don’t think it’ll be that bad,” you replied, although you weren’t sure whether you actually believed that.

He frowned, and his eyes travelled down to your neck. He was biting his lip, and his fangs stood out starkly against his skin.

He handed you the glass of water. You drank it. Then you took his hand and gently pulled him closer, spreading your knees wider so he could stand between them. He swallowed visibly.

“I’m nervous too,” you told him.

“I know,” he said, in a hoarse almost-whisper. “Are you ready?”

“Yeah.”

“Tell me if you want me to stop.”

“Safeword?”

“You can just tell me.”

You were both almost-whispering now, leaning in closer and closer. It felt an awful lot like you were about to share your first kiss.

With one hand, he pulled the collar of your shirt away from your neck, while his other hand slid up to cup the back of your neck. Your heart was hammering with excitement and fear, and his cold fingers felt good against your flushed skin. He lowered his face against your neck, and almost before you knew it his fangs were piercing the skin, creating thin twin wounds that ached immediately. You gasped and grasped handfuls of the fabric of his jacket. Honestly his teeth didn’t hurt much more than a needle, but somehow the reality of it stunned you. He was really going to drink your blood. In that moment, for the first time, you really believed that Roland was something other than human.

His lips closed over the wound. His mouth was wet and unexpectedly hot, and his tongue moved rhythmically against your aching skin as he sucked and swallowed your blood. He made a low sound deep in his throat — the type of contented groan that a good bite of food might inspire. You had to hold your breath to keep from responding in kind.

This was erotic. You couldn’t help thinking of it that way. Your grip on his jacket tightened, and you forced yourself not to squeeze your knees more tightly around his waist. You wondered if he felt it too. Was this exciting him at all? Or was this just a meal to him?

You couldn’t have said how long this went on — it was probably minutes, though it felt longer — but eventually he stopped drinking and pulled away. Somehow a piece of gauze was already in his hand; he pressed it to your neck, holding it firmly against the bite. You stared at each other, both breathing unevenly. His cheeks, so colorless before, were now flushed.

He cleared his throat and licked blood off his lips.

“Are you okay,” he asked, voice rough.

“I’m ok,” you said, although you actually felt a little dizzy. You felt around for the juice box. “Was that enough?”

He nodded his head and grabbed the juice box, pressing it into your reaching hand. He seemed a little dazed. He tore open one of the alcohol wipes, and while you drank your juice he disinfected the bite marks. You hissed at the stinging pain, and he grimaced in sympathy. Then he taped a fresh strip of gauze over the bite.

“It didn’t hurt that bad,” you reported between sips.

“Good,” he said. But he was starting to look unhappy again, frowning as he watched you sip your juice. Your heart sank a little in your chest. Maybe he hadn’t enjoyed this as much as you had.

“Are you ok?” you asked him.

He didn’t respond at first. And then he wrapped his arms around you, pulling you close against him. You bit back a huff of surprise. He was no longer cold — drinking your blood had warmed his whole body.

“What is it?” you whispered.

He heaved an enormous sigh next to your ear. “You just looked so scared in the park,” he said. You could feel the vibration of his voice against your chest. “I feel really bad.”

You didn’t feel bad. One of his large hands was pressed against your back, warm and reassuring, and the other was cupped around the back of your head. Your chest was pressed flush against his, and he was warm and solid and worried about you. You gave up trying to resist the urge to touch him. You put your arms around him, and squeezed your knees tighter against his waist, pulling him even closer to you. You let your head fall forward to rest against his neck, but as soon as you closed your eyes, the room began to whirl around you.

“Um,” you gasped. “I think I need to lie down.”

“Oh,” he said, a little catch of surprise in his voice. He pulled away. “Um. Let me, uh...”

Carefully, he slipped his hand under your knees, and gathered you up into his arms. You threw your own arms around his neck, shamelessly clinging to him as he carried you out of the kitchen with no apparent effort. He paused in the doorway and looked down at you.

“The bed or the couch?” he asked.

“The bed,” you said against his chest, hoping that this was not too bold. He didn’t seem to think so. He carried you across the room, careful not to jostle you, and gently laid you down on top of the comforter.

“Are you cold?” he asked.

You nodded your head. You were quite cold, actually; another effect of the blood loss.

Roland stood and went over to a small closet, where he retrieved a stack of thick, warm-colored blankets. He shook them out and draped them over you in layers, and their warm weight made you feel better almost immediately.

“Thank you,” you said.

“No problem,” he replied. He stood by the side of the bed, unmoving. He seemed to be struggling for words. “Um… Do you still want to…”

“Yes,” you said emphatically, and you peeled back the blankets to make space for him.

He looked self-conscious, but he didn’t hesitate. He crawled under the blankets, and carefully pulled you into his arms, settling your head against his shoulder. His body was still warm with your blood, and you pressed into him eagerly.

“Is this ok?” he asked.

“It’s perfect,” you said. You placed your hand flat on his chest, then sighed happily, which made him laugh. He laid his hand over yours, curling his fingers around it.

That was almost too much. Your chest felt fit to burst with it. You kept waiting to wake up, sure that you must have dreamt this whole thing. You still couldn’t believe he’d drunk your blood. His teeth had been inside of you. And as much as that weirded you out, it kind of turned you on too.

You suddenly remembered that you were supposed to text your friends back. You shifted around, and Roland loosed his hold on you to let you pull your phone out of your pocket.

“I’m letting my friends know you didn’t murder me,” you explained as you typed. You’d meant it as a joke, but you regretted the words as soon as they were out of your mouth. “I’m sorry,” you hurried to say, turning in his arms to face him, and wincing at the pain in your neck. “I didn’t really think you would…”

He shook his head before you could say anything else. “It’s ok. Biting someone…” He ran a hand through his hair as he thought. “Well, it’s an inherently violent act. Some people get carried away. Your friends weren’t wrong to be worried.”

“I feel safe with you though,” you said.

“Oh. Good.” He ducked his head, and his cheeks turned the pinkest they’d been all night. Your heartbeat stuttered in your chest. He was really adorable… You hadn’t expect that, watching him from afar. You pulled closer to him, putting your arms around him and laying your head against his chest. He tucked the blankets more snugly around your shoulders.

“This is really nice,” you said.

“Yeah,” he agreed.

“How did you like biting me?” You forced the words out before you could lose your nerve. You hoped you weren’t making it awkward, but you had to know.

Roland didn’t answer at first. Then he let out a breath, and slid one of his hands over his face. “Not gonna lie,” he said. “It was way better than drinking bagged blood.”

“Oh, good!” you said, laughing. “I’m glad. I was worried you didn’t like it.”

“I definitely liked it…” he said, still covering his face. “You taste amazing.”

You felt your face turn bright red. There was a double-entendre in there somewhere, although you guessed it was unintentional. I’d like to taste you next, you thought wildly, and once again, you found yourself wondering if you were the only one whose mind had wandered into the gutter tonight.

He seemed to sense your sudden discomfort, if not its source, because he uncovered his face and said, “I’m sorry, that was a super weird thing to say.”

You shook your head against his chest. “I liked it too,” you admitted. “When you bit me.” Then, still more softly: “I wouldn’t mind if you did it again sometime.”

You heard him swallow. “I’d like that.”

You lapsed into a warm silence, untroubled and comfortable, and you basked in his presence like a cat in sunlight. You were aware of every part of him that was pressed against you: his chest rising and falling beneath you, and his hands pressed against your back, and his legs tangled with yours beneath the blankets, chaste but intimate, and ripe with potential.

You definitely wanted to kiss him. You opened your mouth to float the idea, but you were overcome by an enormous yawn. You suddenly realized you had no idea what time it was. It felt really late, but maybe you were just tired out from all the excitement.

“Was I falling asleep?” you asked.

“A little,” he admitted.

“I should probably get home,” you said, but then made no move to get up. You heaved a huge sigh. “I don’t wanna go yet though,” you complained, “I’m so cozy.”

“Do you wanna stay here?”

You lifted your head to look him in the eye. “Stay the night?”

“We don’t have to do anything weird,” he said, turning pink again. You stared at each other for a moment. Then he gently pushed your head back down to his chest, so that you weren’t looking at him when he said, “I don’t wanna let you go yet.”

“Are you sure?” you asked. As if you weren’t already convinced. “I won’t throw off your day? I mean your night?”

You felt him shrug. “I was just gonna do homework.”

That drew a surprised laugh out of you. You’d almost forgotten that Roland wasn’t just your weird vampire hookup. He was your classmate too.

“Do you know that we’re in the same class?” you asked, playfully accusing.

“Yeah,” he admitted, with a bit of a laugh in his voice. “I recognized you when we got coffee.”

That surprised you. “I thought I was the only one,” you said.

“I noticed you sitting in back sometimes.” His hand was still resting against the side of your head, and his fingers moved absently through strands of your hair. “I thought you looked cool.”

“Good,” you said, which made him laugh. You grinned against his chest. “I want to stay. Can I?”

“Yeah,” he said, voice soft, and he wrapped his arms more tightly around you.