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kylesvariouslistsandstuff · 1 year

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Trailermania and Other Things

Wow, look at that! A new trailer Pixar's ELEMENTAL, and a first trailer for DreamWorks' upcoming sequel TROLLS BAND TOGETHER! Plus other cool things!

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TROLLS BAND TOGETHER looks cute and fun, much like its predecessors. What stuck out to me, and many others, was that groovy surreal 2D animated sequence that I hope we see more of in the movie proper. More weird shifts in art styles like that, please, because the first TROLLS had some moments like that, and TROLLS WORLD TOUR had some little details here and there along with its distinct colorful worlds. The story seems markedly smaller-scale than WORLD TOUR, sort-of circling back after going big. I think releasing it five days before Disney Animation's WISH, however, isn't all that smart... And weird, considering that in many European territories, the movie is aiming for a September/October bow, but what do I know?

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ELEMENTAL's new proper trailer gives us a much better idea of what director Peter Sohn's new Pixar movie is really made of. They got the basic premise out of the way with the teaser, which is - quite frankly - a teaser's job. They're made for Average Joe and Jane Soccermom, not nerds like you and I. The new trailer showcases all the fun worldbuilding and just how many gags they can stretch out of this idea: Elements being living beings. Very cartoony, very much made for animation, plus it even pokes fun at its own world. That whole quip about the purpose of chain-link fences is a line that would be even funnier in one of the CARS movies. Peter Sohn had said that the story was very personal to him as a child of Korean immigrants living in New York in the '70s and '80s, and I think we're seeing shades of that in this new trailer. But yes, visually a treat. Colorful AF, with some of that midcentury modern graphic design thing going on with the movie's logo and title cards, much like INSIDE OUT. What's exciting me about this movie is that it's animated characters where everything about them - flowing water, waving fire, etc. - is moving. It's like, super-animated.

And as a treat? Pixar's attaching CARL'S DATE, a much-delayed episode of the UP spin-off Disney+ series DUG DAYS, to the movie. This will be the first Pixar short to run in movie theaters since BAO back in 2018, which of course screened before INCREDIBLES 2. TOY STORY 4 in 2019 ran with *no* short whatsoever, and ONWARD had a Simpsons short - of all things - attached to it. SOUL went straight to Disney+ alongside the short that *would've* accompanied it in theaters, BURROW. LIGHTYEAR was the first Pixar film in theaters, domestically, since ONWARD, and that ran with no short.

More animated shorts in the cinema, pretty please.

I'm also more confident in its box office prospects. It's suggested that former Disney CEO Bob Chapek's heavy pivot to streaming has really hurt Disney's animated output in the pandemic era, from both Walt Disney Animation Studios and Pixar. A sort of "we can just wait for that to come out on Disney+, when it's free" mentality from potential moviegoers... Meanwhile, Illumination's SING and MINION sequels did pretty great regardless of Peacock's existence, ditto DreamWorks' PUSS IN BOOTS: THE LAST WISH. These three movies are some of the only animated theatrical-release movies to cross $100m at the domestic box office, and Pixar's LIGHTYEAR did manage to get past that as well, off of its fine opening weekend gross. ELEMENTAL is the first original Pixar movie to hit theaters since ONWARD, which we can't use to gauge its prospects because that opened right before everything shot down in March 2020.

That all being said, this trailer I feel will work on moviegoers. It's a fun premise, and the trailer doesn't hesitate to show lots of the gags and jokes that they pull from it, and it looks colorful. The general public likely associates Pixar with this kind of story (despite online pop culture "experts" insisting that the movie looks like a "parody" of Pixar's past successes), so it could open okay and have solid-to-great legs! Pixars usually cost over $150m to make, so they better hope this one's a blockbuster. As in, opens with at least $45-50m and then legs it past $150m domestically and more than double that worldwide. I want it so succeed, Pixar hasn't had a genuine box office success since TOY STORY 4 back in 2019, and I'd hate to see an original movie struggle.

Summer 2023 is quite crowded in terms of family movies and four-quadrant spectacles, I must say. DreamWorks' RUBY GILLMAN, TEENAGE KRAKEN opens two weeks after ELEMENTAL, and ELEMENTAL opens two weeks after SPIDER-MAN: ACROSS THE SPIDER-VERSE, which itself opens a week after Disney's LITTLE MERMAID remake... And mixed in with these are THE FLASH and the fifth INDIANA JONES movie. Pretty crowded couple of weeks I must say. A statistic back in 2014, which I bring up *a lot*, showed that the average American family hits the cinemas four times a calendar year. I'd imagine that number is even lower in the pandemic era, and I believe the stat because I've been working at a movie theater since August of 2015... And lemme tell ya, sometimes I do a double take on what I've charged my customers for tickets and concessions.

So, yes, lots of families and other moviegoers have become choosier. I feel like we're seeing that with superhero movies this year, honestly, what with ANT-MAN AND THE WASP: QUANTUMANIA having abysmal legs after its giant opening, and SHAZAM! FURY OF THE GODS straight-up imploding. In such a competitive marketplace, you really need to stand out... not to pretend I know a thing or two about boring economics and capitalism. I think ACROSS THE SPIDER-VERSE is locked to do well, and on the "live-action" end, THE LITTLE MERMAID and DIAL OF DESTINY will do very well. As for RUBY GILLMAN... If we are to assume it cost $80m max to make, then it could perform like THE BAD GUYS - which narrowly missed $100m domestically and made $250m worldwide - and be considered a success. Okay $20m-ish opening, 3 1/2x multiplier to get it past $70m domestically, add about $150m overseas, all set! THE BAD GUYS had a similarly cutting-it-close marketing campaign, with the teaser bowing in December and the movie proper hitting in April. RUBY GILLMAN's trailer is now out, and the movie is literally three months away. I think they seem confident in this one. From what I understand, PUSS IN BOOTS Dos' Oscar campaign kind of got in the way of them getting the word out on RUBY GILLMAN earlier this year, and of course... A tiny movie Universal is releasing in a week... I'm sure you've never heard of it... It's called THE SUPER MARIO BROS. MOVIE.

Anyways, we now await trailers for... Netflix/Annapurna's NIMONA (summer), Netflix/Pearl's THE MONKEY KING (sometime this year), Disney Animation's WISH (November 22nd), Netflix/W/M's LEO (also Nov 22nd), Illumination's MIGRATION (December 22nd), and Aardman/Netflix's CHICKEN RUN: DAWN OF THE NUGGET (to be determined, later this year). And for whoever is interested, the 2nd PAW PATROL movie as well. Eatin' good, as they say.

#elemental #pixar #unorganized thoughts #animated movies #dreamworks #trolls #trolls band together #up #Youtube

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brushlesprouts · 4 years

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Fenster the Deviler - Business before pleasure

After reading the first Witcher book “The Last Wish” I was inspired to try writing in that style. Not three sentences in, it become a parody story. Grant me this rambling tale of the grumpy Deviler, Fenster.

...

The morning dew still clung to the undergrowth in the shaded parts of the forest. Among the soggy grasses and flowers, a figure turned against the midday sun peeking through the trees.

"The sun should be illegal," The slothful figure muttered. Along a single sunbeam, a small pixie descended to the disgruntled man's side.

"Good MORNING Fenster!" It barked in a voice not too unlike jingling bells. "We have a job today!"

Fenster rolled up to a sitting position. His eyes were still closed in a gambit that clever wordplay could allow him to collapse back onto his soggy bedroll for the rest of the day.

"Bingle," Fenster began with a patient voice, "I fear I have come down with a case of Vampirism and can no longer work in the daytime."

"Oh I see," Bingle said, "I just figured you wanted to get some money. Seeing as how you haven't had a job in almost a month."

It was true, Fenster had hit a rough patch. The once noble profession of deviler, those who stand as pillars against the darkness, had diluted to that of thugs who will glare at drunks for chump change. He thought himself the last of the TRUE devilers, but with that dignity came an empty stomach and nights spent among the weeds. Still, to a deviler like Fenster, dignity was the last bedrock for which the fragments of his misspent life can build from.

"We shall see," Fenster said, raising to his feet, "If this job is worthy of a deviler."

The little sprite cheered and busied himself gathering the sparse belongings of Fenster. Packed into a satchel, Fenster made his way out of the woods and into the nearby town.

~~~~

The little town of Globshire was a scenic place nestled between the Wobyjack mountains and the Fimblefank river. Due to the heavy snow melt every spring, the town would completely flood. The people of the town, instead of moving, created advanced plumbing systems that could help redistribute the sudden rush of water and allow the town to keep from being totally submerged. This innovation used metal pipes forged from the ore mined out of the Wobyjack mountains. Globshire was a marvel of human ingenuity, creativity, and work ethic.

Just downriver of Globshire was Dunk, and Dunk was an absolute hog hole that was designed so it could easily be rebuilt after the flush of water from Globshire would clear it out every year.

Fenster sloshed his way through the fresh runoff of the swollen river and into Dunk's hospitable charm. People in various forms of water-resistant clothing trudged through the fresh mud of their town, carrying building materials to repair and rebuild. Those who were unable to aid in the efforts sat tending to floating bonfires and preparing meals for when the workers needed a break.

Bingle sat perched on his shoulder like an exotic bird. "This place is nice." He said with a smile, "Everyone is so friendly."

"That's probably because they don't want to mess with a guy in black leather with a sparkly whatever sitting on his shoulder. Deviler or no, the sight can be quite intimidating." Fenster allowed himself a wry smile.

"Over there," He pointed his tiny finger at a shack that was upright, but missing a great deal of one of its walls. "The person in there needs a deviler."

"Or a carpenter." Fenster said. He then turned his head to look at Bingle, "I swear to the nine fires if this is a job about building or sawing, I am going to slap you."

Bingle said nothing, however he did giggle. It was the sound of bells being shaken violently in a sack made of animal skin. Whimsical and chaotic and slightly threatening. The deviler walked on.

The owner of the shack spotted Fenster first and hustled out of her shabby abode to meet him.

"Oh! You must be the deviler! The little blue bird was right! Prayers can come true."

Fenster managed a charitable smile and spoke quietly to his diminutive companion, "Blue bird? A little on the nose, don't you think?"

Bingle shrugged, "I am whatever the people want me to be."

he woman rushed up to Fenster. "Oh merciful Deviler, whisperer to small blue birds and deliverer of justice, I am in need of your help." She bowed her head to him.

"Whoa, steady on there," He said, lifting his hands defensively, "Let's not get carried away here. What's the job?"

She lifted her head, "So humble, please come this way and we'll talk." She walked back to her home and opened the door for him. Fenster paid a small glance to the gaping opening just beside the door and shrugged. He stepped in through the door and gave her a small gesture of thanks.

~~~~~

"I need Wobyjack scales." Valencia said. "I need them by next week."

he deviler had barely time to sit at the large crate that functioned as a table before Valencia, the woman from before, please try to keep up, had made her demand. Fenster was no stranger to getting right to the point, but even he was shocked by the sudden drop of decorum. Bingle had hopped onto a shelf well out of reach of the juicy floor, and was fussing with some of the shiny finery.

"Right, sorry, Wobyjack scales?" Fenster said. He fished in one of his jacket pockets for a notebook. It was labeled, 'Incredible Monsters and how to locate them: Abridged". He flipped to the back of the book and found the small entry for wobyjacks. They are dragonkin that live in mountain caves. Known for being incredibly territorial, walking into a wobyjack cave is akin to a declaration of war. Be careful of their fire breath, acid blood, and mythril scales. Danger rank, Captain.

"Yes," Valencia said. "I need those scales to finish my inaugural headdress before next week or I shall be the laughing stock of Dunk. A mayoress without her headdress is likely to be butchered as soon as obeyed. Why, you hear talk of the previous mayoress, Clotina Valor, now she had a headdress that could turn heads. Did you know she had the head guard stand watch over her bathing at night? The Scandal! You believe me if she had a simple headdress with only a few jubjubber feathers she would have been drawn and quartered. Do you understand my meaning?"

"Sounds tough," Fenster said absent-mindedly, his eyes were still hovering over the word "Captain" in his book. He had never been one for numbers, but the preliminary calculations for his pay were pointing towards a hot bath and a hot meal by week's end. But something nagged at the edge of his mind. The part of his mind where he stashed nagging things, like bathing habits, birthdays, and the Deviler's Code.

He snapped the notebook shut, "You want me to slay a wobyjack for your outfit?"

"Not just any outfit," She said harshly, folding her arms across her substantial chest, "This is the official mayoral headdress and ONLY wobyjack scales will suffice." She slackened her arms, letting them fall to her sides. "I know it is short notice but you are my only hope, all the others whom I have asked have turned me down." Valencia said, she was dipping back into the sing-songy voice she had greeted him with, complete with a lilt and gesture of a fainting woman. "I am at wits end."

"I am not a tailor nor a tanner, I am a deviler." He said, "And I will not kill a beast like the wobyjack without a better reason." He moved to stand up, and that is when his stomach let out a most unflattering howl. The following silence was deafening.

"Will you give me a minute?" Fenster said. He gestured up at Bingle and the two went outside.

~~~~~

Fenster tapped his chin, looking pensively at the ground. Bingle hovered beside him, his sheer butterfly wings fluttering, which also sounded like bells.

"So," Bingle said at last, "What are you thinking?"

"I'm conflicted," Fenster said, stamping his foot on the ground, "Can't you see that? I'm tapping my chin, I'm looking down, clearly pensive. Read the air you damn pixie." He sighed. His stomach growled again.

Bingle smiled, "I don't need to read the air, it makes itself clear."

Fenster ran a hand through his hair, it swooped to the side and froze that way. "A hot bath and a hot meal," He said to himself, trying to convince that nagging part of him.

"And since it is a rush job, maybe a new sword too." Bingle said, his smile like sharp knife.

Fenster's eyebrows went up.

~~~~

"--And since it is a rush job," Fenster said, seated at the table again "I'm going to have to demand a little extra."

"But you'll take the job?" Valencia said, her eyes lighting up.

Fenster nodded, smiling to her. She clapped her hands over his and looked into his eyes, "Thank you, gracious deviler, oh savior, oh--"

"Fenster," He said, cutting her off, "Will do just fine, thanks."

She nodded, "Fenster, then. Good luck on your journey."

"About that," He said, tapping an empty pouch tied at his side, "Any chance for an advanced payment?"

"Absolutely not" She said warmly.

"Fair." He said.

~~~~~~~

The massive draconic beast heaved its breaths heavy and slow, small wafts of smoke pouring from its nostrils. Fenster sat behind a nearby rock in the Wobyjack's cave, waiting patiently. Bingle grimaced at the deviler with increasing irritation.

"What," he said in a very soft voice so as to keep the ring-ting-tingle of his voice to a bare minimum, "Are you waiting for?"

Fenster continued to dress his equipment. Vials of elixir for speedy recovery, herbs to heighten senses, throwing daggers laced with moonsilver, some mints, and his trusty claymore given to him by his teacher just before he died. It was as valuable as it was heavy and a pain in the ass to wield. But, to use it to slay the creatures of darkness that plague the land was his promise to his late teacher. Another integral part of the Deviler’s Code. So he would do so.

"I have the benefit of surprise," Fenster said softly, "I am going to use every advantage I got."

The duo had arrived at the mountain cave late at night. As such, the wobyjack slumbered peacefully. And so it follows that Fenster had found a decent hiding spot to prepare his strike. Satisfied with his tools, he began preparation.

He drank a vial of devilweed spirits, which would increase his blood flow and make him faster and stronger as well as increase his endurance. He applied nightfang chalk markings over his eyes to grant him shielded sight, so as not to be blinded or fooled by illusions. Eating a dried drungo tail would thicken and toughen his skin so the raking claws of the wobyjack would not immediately disembowel him. And finally, a few mints cause all of that makes his breath really nasty and that could be distracting.

Buffed to the teeth, he gripped his blade with both hands and looked over the edge of the rock at the sleeping wobyjack. He slowed his breathing to match the beast. "Here goes."

Fenster charged the beast and roared a spell to life. Runes on the claymore lit up the cavern as he leapt into the air. The massive arc of his swing aimed for the beast's neck. The wobyjack, as with most dragonkin, noticed the deviler the moment he came out from behind the rock. It reared its head back and avoided the strike. However, still groggy from waking up, its momentum caused it to flop onto its back. Fenster pressed the attack, the element of surprise was still fresh and powerful but would only last for a precious few more moments. The wobyjack howled and sprayed a blast of fire, flailing and swiping with a massive barbed tail. The bright fire failed to blind the deviler and he managed to just barely tuck his body into a roll to avoid having his brains sent splattering to the cavern walls. Years of training at the deviler institute as well as his time in the deviler acting troupe had given him the skill to deftly dodge and look good doing it. He rolled to his feet and continued his charge, raising the blade to point the tip at the wobyjack's exposed underbelly.

A wobyjack has dangerously sharp scales everywhere on its body except for its belly, which has thick and tough hide. No mere blade could hope to carve a meaningful strike. However, Fenster's teacher's claymore was no mere blade, and the magic that currently ripped through it was no mere magic. As Fenster neared the tender gut meat, the wobyjack lunged its head to snap its jaws around the deviler. There would be no dodging this attack, and there would be no advantageous second strike. It was now or never. He lifted the blade up, raising the glowing claymore high over his head. The wobyjack brought its jaws down around the deviler. But instead of snapping like a twig, Fenster remained whole.

The drungo tail indeed helped his flesh, but above that, the rank taste of a man who had not bathed for weeks assaulted the enhanced draconic senses of the wobyjack. It was only for a moment that the beast retched, but it was just enough. With his raised arms free of the wobyjack's jaws, Fenster shouted a battle cry and brought the blade down on the beast's neck. The magic embedded within the Vorpal Sword came to life and cleanly split the neck from the body. The dragonkin's head seized in a fit of rigor mortis before everything became stillness and silence.

Bingle flittered out from behind the rock, "You did it!" He chimed.

Fenster grumbled and tried to pry the jaws open, "Thanks. Man this is stuck tight."

After succumbing to the knowledge that it wasn't going to loosen any time soon, he dragged himself and the head back to his supply bag and grabbed a small elixir meant to grant strength enough to carry multiple times ones own weight.

~~~~

Fenster dragged the cart, carrying a massive payload, through the draining streets of Dunk. He arrived at the shack from before, the wall had been repaired. The woman rushed out as she did before. She was wearing a tight-fitting dress with a deep slit cut to show her ample bosom, but still hint at modesty. She bounded up to him.

"And hast thou slain the wobyjack?" She cried, hands clasped together and eyes alight with joy. “Come, come inside,” She waved her hand to beckon him inside.

Within the shack, Fenster seated himself once more at the crate, Bingle sat upon the shelf. Upon the crate, Valencia set a small pouch before the deviler.

“Here you go, as promised. Thank you so much for your hard work.” She said.

“And the extra, for the rush job?” He said, smiling.

Valencia leaned forward onto her elbows, the cut in the dress revealing the lack of undergarments. “Perhaps we can make an arrangement?”

Fenster felt his eyes dip, but he knew that women were wily creatures. Full of cunning and breasts. He would not be so easily stoked, though the fire burning in him was most assuredly lust. That or the acid blood from the wobyjack had leaked into his armor at some point. With all his might, Fenster relied on his most formidable weapon, his charm.

“Now now,” He said, wagging a finger and smiling, “Business before pleasure.”

She heaved a sigh and rolled her eyes before walking back to the shelf and grabbing a second pouch. She turned and tossed it to him. Fenster managed to catch it with one hand, looking mighty impressed with himself.

“There,” She said flatly, “We are finished here.”

“Pleasure doing business,” He said, “Now then, how about the business of pleasure?”

She smiled at him. A smile that wasn’t really a smile. More like a raging fire of irritation and barely masked wrath. Valencia said, “You smell like dragon blood and three week old shit.”

“Fair,” Fenster said. He pocketed the pouches and left the shack.

~~~~

“What a CHARMER,” Bingle said, laughing. More bells, you know the drill. “I nearly busted out loud when you tried the ‘business of pleasure’ line. Did you come up with that all on your own?”

“Stuff it,” Fenster said. He checked over his salary with a greedy countenance before cackling to himself. “Perfect, just enough to make the trip.”

Bingle’s smile dropped from his face and was replaced with a look of concern. “No, we’re not going to Trance, are we?”

Fenster sneered, “You bet your pretty fairy wings we are going to Trance! I’m gonna get a hot bath, a hot meal and the best damn sword Vurgle the Forgemaster can whip out!”

Bingle groaned and Fenster laughed and the two of them made their way to Trance, the city of glitter and glamour.

~End~

#writing #fantasy #The Witcher #Fanfiction #parody #for the hell of it

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petewentzworld · 5 years

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Dear Past Self: Fall Out Boy's Pete Wentz Interviewed

Why looking back once in a while is integral to embracing the future...

Pete Wentz is driving around LA, speaking to me over the phone about his newly-launched range of jewellery and apparel, Ronin.

As far as rock star business enterprises go, it’s certainly extravagant, and the website’s description of the rings, pendants and hoodies held therein – “born out of the idea of wandering, a samurai without a master, and the free dreams that accompany facing the world on your own” – adds to the initial sense that Wentz’s professional career may have ballooned into parody, the kind of project Connor 4 Real from Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping might have signed off on.

“We would go and sample products in the jewellery district in downtown LA, learning why one gold looks more yellow than the other,” he tells me when I ask about it. “It’s been a really interesting learning experience.”

But then Pete Wentz, to borrow Lana Del Rey’s favourite American poet Walt Whitman, is large; he contains multitudes, and some of those multitudes just happen to involve samurai-themed lockets. Among other projects, he owns a clothing company, a film production company, a nightclub, and a minority share in American USL soccer team Phoenix Rising.

“It scares me sometimes, watching him,” Patrick Stump once joked. “The two seconds you're not with that dude he's made 30 decisions that are going to affect our band for the rest of the year.”

Ah yes: he’s also, you may recall, the bassist in Fall Out Boy.

The band recently released a new single, ‘Dear Future Self (Hands Up)’, to accompany the release of their second career-spanning retrospective, ‘Greatest Hits: Believers Never Die – Volume Two’.

Such records are inevitably a time for bands to take stock of what they’ve already achieved and what value they might continue to offer the world, and the single seems to acknowledge that duality: “Dear future self, I hope it's going well / I'm drunk on cheap whiskey in an airport hotel,” Stump reflects on the new track. Like Janus, the Greek god of beginnings, endings, and Wyclef Jean collaborations, Wentz finds himself gazing in all directions.

In the near future lies a reminder of the past. Despite the fact that all three bands have new albums coming out, it’s perhaps an easy take to view next year’s ‘Hella Mega Tour’ – Green Day, Weezer, and Fall Out Boy performing at a number of stadium dates together on a triple-headliner bill – as a nostalgia trip.

Is it something Wentz worries about?

“I think about that for sure,” he says. “There’s a danger that, once you become known as one thing, the world knows you as that thing forever. When you’ve been doing art for 15 or 20 years you do have to think about your legacy, but it’s really important to remember why you did it in the first place.”

However cynical your view, it’s hard to argue that the band don’t deserve a victory lap with two of the most influential acts in pop-punk history. “It would be insane for us to turn this tour down because we grew up on ‘Dookie’ and the ‘Buddy Holly’ video – those things were super influential on the early years of our band. So this is wish fulfilment in that way. But then I think that’s why it’s important that we did the Wiz Khalifa tour, that we do remix albums, you know? We wanna do both.”

On musical terms, at least, Fall Out Boy have often done just that. Their first two albums, ‘Take This to Your Grave’ and 2005’s breakout ‘From Under the Cork Tree’, are perhaps their most straightforward in genre terms – but even then, ‘Dance Dance’ was arguably more playful and inventive than anything the cross-sections of pop, emo and punk had served up in the preceding decade. By the time 2007’s ‘This Ain’t a Scene, It’s an Arms Race’ hit number two in the Billboard charts – their commercial peak to date – the band were already steadfastly toying with hip hop and R&B in both their production values and collaborators.

“I think that there was a time when we were doing that and people were scratching their heads a little bit,” Wentz says. As he rightly points out, the days of cultural tribalism in listener habits are all but dead now in the Spotify age. “I think genre has broken down so much more now, the way people listen to music, that people are more open to it.”

‘Make America Psycho Again’ is a fine example, a collection of remixed tracks from 2015’s ‘American Beauty/American Psycho’ featuring guest appearances from Azealia Banks, Migos and Big K.R.I.T. among others. The title, of course, is a direct reference to the campaign slogan Donald Trump was using in his Presidential election campaign at the time. I ask whether the band are cautious about straying into political territory.

“I don’t think you can avoid it anymore,” he tells me, picking back up after the signal drops on our international call. “We live in a time of super inauthenticity – people taking pictures of food that you don’t even know if they eat, people having fear of missing out – and so I think, in a weird way, to cut through you have to be super authentic. Which is, to me, what people like Lana Del Rey, Billie Eilish, Skrillex, Kanye, and whatever do. You just gotta be who you are and cut through all the noise. And I think people are… maybe not more forgiving, but more appreciative of you being honest about that stuff.”

There was a period in the 00s when Wentz was unavoidable; the video for ‘This Ain’t a Scene…’ hilariously parodied the bassist’s newfound gossip-mag status – later compounded by his marriage to Ashley Simpson in 2008, and subsequent divorce less than three years later – but inevitably, it wasn’t always something he could brush off. In February 2005, Wentz attempted suicide by taking an overdose of the anxiety medication Ativan, and ended up spending a week in hospital recovering.

Today he still finds the pace of modern life extremely deleterious to mental health, not least dealing with the quagmire of social media on a daily basis. “Every day you wake up and there’s a new take, and it’s kind of relentless,” he says with a sigh. “It can get a little numbing when you look out across social media. It can feel really lonely.

“I think that now, more than ever, who you are and what you project into the world will inform your politics, how you interact with people, how you feel when you wake up in the morning. I just want to craft things that are important to Fall Out Boy, to insert something meaningful into people’s lives. That’s really, really what’s important.”

For all the extracurricular projects, it’s clear that Wentz’s heart still beats faster for Fall Out Boy. He’s ready to keep taking the band forward, he tells me. “But it’s got to be something interesting. It’s got to have a perspective. There’s something exciting about Quentin Tarantino being like, ‘I’m just doing 10 or 12 movies and that’s it’. It’s exciting because it makes every movie have meaning. So to me, whatever it is, the next thing has to have perspective, has to have meaning, has to have feeling.”

And what might that look like?

“Maybe it’s scoring a movie, I don’t know. It’s got to be something a little bit different, I don’t think it can be a straight-up album from us.”

Beyond the nightclubs and bling, Wentz is a remarkable philanthropist – a term which has perhaps been sullied in recent times for its application in sanitising billionaires, but which feels appropriate given Wentz’s personal history, and the fact that his work directly supports those who suffer from the same mental health issues that he’s battled over the years. His work as a spokesperson for The Jed Foundation’s ‘Half of Us’ campaign, a program aimed at lowering the rate of teenage suicide, has been invaluable. It’s the kind of supported he could have used 15, 20, 25 years ago.

“I think we live in a time where there is less of a stigma around mental health, and I hope the next generation will feel even more open to speak about it,” he tells me. “Knowing that you’re not alone and other people are going through similar things is so important for our culture to move ahead. So many times when I was younger I thought: am I the only person who feels this way? I think it can be less isolating to know that, hey, Jay-Z feels that way sometimes too.”

For Wentz, who now has three children, the idea of young people today facing those problems alone is terrifying: “I’m raising kids in this world, and I think it’s important for them to know that talking about this doesn’t mean you’re weak or alone. None of it’s weird, none of it’s you by yourself. Young people need to feel that they’re part of the community as a whole.”

Across such an extraordinary life and career, I wonder if he carries any regrets. There’s a brief silence on the line, one that transcends the usual delay carried between the pink-sunset streets of LA and the Cardiff Travelodge I’m calling home for the night.

“In my twenties I felt lots of anxiety and lots of stress about every decision that we made, instead of just living life. I’ve realised that sometimes you’ve just got to live life and trust that you’ll make it from A to B to C. Live through the ups and downs. I think that’s something important that we don’t always impart on young people.”

Spoken like a man who knows real gold when he sees it.

#pete wentz #fall out boy #interview

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awesomelisaremoaner-blog · 5 years

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Combatting Cummings Communications Campaign

So, here they are.

Three road-tested and ready to go campaign messages designed to strike at the wavering hearts of a few hundred thousand people in a smattering of marginal constituencies that Dominic Cummings knows he needs to win if he is to save Brexit and place Boris ‘Bozza’ Johnson on the Iron Throne of rUK until god knows when.

These simple, pared-back statements have been focus-grouped to death, and are now finely-honed weapons of mass persuasion. They are to be feared.

They will be repeated ENDLESSLY by the Conservativeratti, hoping that, over time, the statements will smash their way into the consciousnesses of ordinary people, grab ahold of their amygdalas, and squeeze a vote for the Tories out of their ordinary hands.

But there are two great things about these statements:

1. They tell us lots about what Dominic Cummings has learnt from his focus groups

2. They can be killed.

Let’s deal with point 2 first.

Behavioural science tells us that if you keep repeating a statement enough, eventually it will become truth. This is why Donald Trump says ‘Fake News’ a lot. If you keep repeating something that taps into people’s emotions, you will have an even easier job. And if that thing you repeat is very simple to say, job is most definitely a goodun.

These days lots of bad people on the depressing side of politics have worked this out, and the internet is abuzz with the sounds of bite-size populist sentiments pouring unwantedly into the minds of defenceless populaces, from Budapest to Beijing.

BUT – behavioural science also tells us how to effectively debunk these unhealthy mind viruses, strip them of their power and turn them into weapons that actually do the opposite of what was originally intended, like a re-programmed Terminator.

This was done to some effect in the 2017 election, when Theresa May’s ‘Strong and Stable’ message gradually became paired with a ‘Weak and Wobbly’ counter-message (on t’internet at least), which – allied with her increasingly wobbly performances - made repeating the phrase more of a liability than a strength. By the end of the campaign they had stopped using it altogether.

And that’s what we are going to try and do this time around – take super-villian Dominic’s campaign messages apart, and reconstitute them as something remain-y.

This is an eminently winnable fight. The Conservative victory absolutely depends on getting the kind of people who hate Brexit but also hate Jeremy Corbyn and thought Ed Miliband was a bit wet to say ‘fuck it, there’s no one else, I have to vote for Boris fucking Johnson because I am a Conservative voter’.

whereas, our victory depends on getting these lovely people to say “I don’t feel good about voting for Boris Johnson, and I never wanted Brexit anyway.” And then either voting for someone else or just going to the pub and saying fuck it all and not voting.

By the way - they are not going to vote for Corbyn, okay?

I know loads of these people, and so do you. They feel politically homeless and are ripe for conversion.

So, what does behavioural science say about how exactly you counter Dominic’s misinformation? Well, there are certain key principles:

1. Never re-state the myth. In 2017, too many people would say “it doesn’t sound very ‘Strong and Stable’ if you can’t turn up to your own debate. Sounds more like weakness”. This is wrong, wrong, wrong. All you are doing is strengthening the phrase ‘Strong and stable’ in someone’s mind. No, instead you must have a…

2. Persuasive alternative counter message. Which you repeat anytime you come across the original. This counter message should directly relate to the original message (e.g. ‘weak and wobbly’ scans like ‘strong and stable’), and it should contradict its impact.

3. It should be simply expressed

4. It should be framed to appeal to YOUR audience.

So, let’s look at the three Conservative statements and see what they can tell us about how to destroy them. Here they are:

1. We will get Brexit done by October 31st

2. We are the Party of the people

3. We will take this country forward.

I am going to deal with the last one first, as I think this is the common theme that will underpin a lot of what the Tories try to do over the next few weeks.

We will take this country forward

It’s clear that much of the clash and thunder of Bozza’s arrival in Number 10 over the last few weeks have been about creating the illusion of busyness and purpose. ‘At least he is doing something’ cries Dominic’s target audience, and this message is designed to appeal further to that powerful sentiment of frustration.

This central idea of forward momentum, impetus, activity, inevitability is going to be big for the Tories. They will complain that they were dragged into an election they did not want, and only they, not the squabbling remainers or even parliament as a whole, have the sense of initiative to get us out of the morass.

And it makes some intuitive sense. They do have a plan (a stupid, self-serving one), and they are certainly very focused on winning over the next few weeks (for the benefit of the Conservative party if not the country). So, you can’t challenge this myth by saying, “no, you are not going forward”. They are most definitely in motion.

What you have to say instead is “But they are heading in the wrong direction.”

It’s that simple: “The Tories are steering Britain in the wrong direction.”

Easy. Say that whenever you hear this ‘going forward’ line, and it will become a rock of Kryptonite around the neck for them.

Or, in the mocked-up parody campaign posters: ‘We are taking this country in the wrong direction” under a big picture of Boris’ mug.

Of course, you will have to be able to justify why you think they are pointing us in the wrong direction – but as soon as you do that you have WON, because now we are not talking about ‘forward’, but about ‘wrong direction’.

And it’s easy to justify, because not only is Brexit a BAD thing, but also they are spectacularly unprepared for any of the logistical issues of either shit Brexit, or terrifically shit Brexit, PLUS they are not going to get any meaningful changes to a thrice-rejected deal so we are either going to be a vassal state or watching fist fights breakout in chemists all over the country over the availability of Epipens or both.

See – wrong direction.

Which brings me to point 1.

We will get Brexit done by October 31st

So, once again, the way to deal with this is not to say ‘no, you won’t’, or ‘it’s a coup and the Queen will stop you’ or anything else silly – that will not appeal to our target audience.

The power of this statement comes from (1) implying that the endless debates and fannying about around Brexit will be over if we just lie back and let Bozza get on with it, and (2) that this is not such a bad thing after all – in fact it’s all fine and we might as well be cheered by his jollying, can-do demeanour rather be positively sickened by it.

It’s key to challenge this ‘not such a bad thing after all’ emotion with its converse – Brexit is in fact a terrible, terrible thing (for many of the reasons listed above).

To this end, we have had a stroke of good luck, courtesy of Theresa May no less, who managed to delay the date of Brexit doom to October 31st. Or Halloween.

Yes, Halloween.

Brexit is coming on Halloween.

And thus it is easy to pair evil with evil in the mind of the floating voter.

There are many possible permutations, e.g.:

· Boris’ Halloween Horror Show is coming

· It’ll be a real fright night this Halloween

· Don’t let your kids see what Weird Uncle Boris has planned for them, etc.

The important thing is to pair the October the 31st thing with fear.

And yes, here at last we can use Project Fear to our advantage. If someone mentions it, we can say “Yes, it is Project Fear – because Boris is about to make Project Fear a reality – on Halloween... Steve Barclay said last week they haven’t even started talking yet about how to keep car parts supply chains running after Brexit – WTF?!”

See – turn their weapons on them.

This can be fun, this can be playful. We can make memes where Boris is a scary clown. We can make jokes. We can make deep fakes.

The important thing is October 31st stops being a nothingburger, and starts being something that people might want to think carefully about before rushing headlong into it.

So we have:

· Boris’ Halloween Horror Show is coming

· He’s steering Britain in the wrong direction!

I think these two ideas play well off what I imagine are Bozza’s brand weaknesses - his underlying associations with being reckless, slapdash, mendacious and spivvy. Our target voter has all these doubts about him too.

We are the Party of the people

So this is the Tories attempt to roll their tanks on to traditional Labour territory, by indicating that they are the true champions of the 2016 popular vote, PLUS this probably also encapsulates their crowd pleasing policies on the NHS, policing and crime.

You can’t challenge this by pointing out (as I am sure Labour supporters are minded to do) that no they are bloody not the Party of the people. Trying to explain who actually influences Tory policy and how that tends not to benefit the person in the street is all a bit ‘yawn’ and won’t actually register with disengaged voters.

No, we need something cleverer and something that skewers the meaning at the heart of the message.

I think the solution is two fold:

One – the statement refers to ‘the people’ like we were one big homogenous mass of dutiful subjects, but the truth is vast swathes of the country are not reconciled to Brexit and never will be. They are in open rebellion against their flagship policy.

Most polls show more than 50% support for remain these days – so even those soft Tory voters who are leaning towards voting for him for want of any other obvious candidate do not feel truly represented by him.

Boris is acting like he is the unifying figure that can bring the country back together, and this is where we must challenge the statement. He is not uniting us at all. We are a divided people.

And this gives us the key to unravel the second part of the sentence – that reference to the big P Conservative Party.

The sentence implies that the Conservative party is acting with one voice (trying desperately to draw on that ‘stability’ that they have long ago squandered) – but the plain truth is they are divided too.

MPs are resigning, others are in open rebellion and the executive is calling for de-selection. They, like the people are split down the middle.

So there you have it:

“A divided party can never unite our country”.

The final message:

· Boris’ Halloween Horror Show is coming

· His divided party can never unite our country

· He’s steering Britain in the wrong direction!

Getting the message out

It’s clear from 2016 that Dominic has lots of whizzy tools for targeting his message where it needs to go, and you may not.

But you do know soft Tories, lots of them.

What you need to do now is to deliver this message – by sharing it on social media – into the heart of the conversation about who should run our country so it changes the dialogue and makes everything they try to do work against them.

You are like Han Solo flying the Millenium Falcon deep inside the Death Star, Frodo lobbing Gollum into the Cracks of Doom, Arya pulling the knife-drop trick on the Night King. Watch the waves of destruction spread.

Thanks for listening and good luck.

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easyfoodnetwork · 4 years

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The Lack of Flavor in ‘Emily in Paris’ Is Only Emphasized by Its Meals

Courtesy of Netflix

Among the Netflix series’s set pieces are a boulangerie, a brasserie, and a bistro, which represent Paris as artlessly as the show’s American protagonist

Democracy in the United States is either in its death throes or just a very painful midlife crisis. We’re a country led by a very sick, very silly old man. Meanwhile, a non-ideological virus is metastasizing thanks to ideological idiocy, and a fly is the star of the vice presidential debates since it is slightly more meme-able than systemic racism. Meanwhile, I’m trying to decide whether to pay for COBRA or child care. Recession turns deeper, expressions turn dire. Sartre looks like a Hallmark card. And amid all this chaos, more chaos: Netflix releases Emily in Paris.

What could have been, and should have been, a blissful escapist confection, the Darren Star — he of Sex in the City and Younger — production is instead a croissant of poop and pee that proves, as Sartre entitled his play, there is no exit. The remit of this review, like all Eater at the Movies, is how food plays into the show. In this case, all of Emily in Paris’s ineptitude can be refracted through the show’s boulangerie, brasserie, and bistro, which, like every other aspect of the city, is simplified into inane simulacra, a fetishized form whose richness and texture has been stripped away through Instagram filters and the willful trite presuppositions, not to mention arrogance and cupidity, of the titular character, Emily.

Though the series bursts with an admixture of Parisian errata and cliche, the first true food moment doesn’t pertain to Paris at all but to Chicago, the former home of Emily Cooper, the social media manager hero (with fewer than 50 Instagram followers?) who has left the Windy City for the City of Light. Upon meeting her boss’s boss at the Parisian marketing firm to which she has been assigned, the man says, apropos her home city, “I know Chicago. I’ve had the deep-dish pizza there.” Emily begins to say how proud Chicagoans are of it when he interrupts, “It was like a quiche made of cement.” To which Ms. Cooper replies, “You must have eaten at Lou Malnati’s.” There are literally endless fictional pizzerie to slag off. Combine any vowel-heavy chain of syllables and you have a mediocre joke that would land almost exactly the same. And yet, no, Emily in Paris chose Lou Malnati’s, a deep-dish institution in Chicago since 1971. Sure, it’s a chain, but a small one, and there might be (certainly is) better deep-dish pizza out there, but why pick on Lou? This isn’t David versus Goliath as much as Goliath flicking boogers on David, and to what end? In a bid for insider specificity, the series shat on a small business. And if the argument is made that any publicity is good publicity, that simply proves that the inherent ickiness of the character is, sad to say, true to life: that all we have is spectacle.

We are, I think, quite rightly in need of some sort of frothy fantasy. I mean, how many times can you refresh the New York Times or rewatch The Social Dilemma or listen to the next NPR Politics Podcast? But it is equally true that in times as trying as these, which are — and here is a truth out of which we can not wriggle — a consequence of our dysfunction, the hitherto benign escape routes we previously took reveal themselves as not quite as benign as we thought. Would Emily in Paris hit differently if it weren’t also true that we are watching in real time how social media has rendered reality subservient to our easily shared interpretations of it? I dunno, does smoking look so cool on film when your grandfather died of lung cancer? I think not. Despite the beauty Paris has to offer, the show is built on an ugly and insidious premise. Everything is content. Nothing is real unless extruded into a social media algorithm, ratified in its existence by the likes of others. There is no present. There is only post, and posting.

Almost countless times through the first three episodes, Emily and the other characters demonstrate a complete disregard for reality in preference for the platforms of social media (in the show, these posts float on screen, complete with followers and hashtags, like ethereal projections.) Paris isn’t Paris but, as Emily tells her Chicagoan boyfriend while Facetiming as she walks, “The entire city looks like Ratatouille.” Meaning that the character’s entire frame of reference is itself a cartoonish recreation, a copy of a copy of a copy.

In another instance Emily’s friend Mindy Chen, one of the very few people of color to make an appearance in this unrelentingly white show, says, “Have you ever had ris de veau?” to which Emily replies, “Why? What is that, rice with veal?” to which Mindy replies, “That’s what I thought too. I think it’s brains or balls, but it tastes like ass.” As a frequent and fervent eater of ass, I can say affirmatively this is not the case. Ris de veau, which are sweetbreads, are not brains, balls, nor ass, but the thymus. This isn’t Chef’s Table and we don’t need a slow-motion disquisition on it but, for the love of God, would it hurt to close the loop on that in some way so that the error, and yes, defamation of a protein doesn’t stand uncorrected? No, and the reason is that reality doesn’t matter.

Now, it should be mentioned that Emily’s paramour, Gabriel (Lucas Bravo), is a chef; in fact, he is the chef at the bistro at which the ris de veau conversation takes place. He is incredibly handsome. So handsome. Like if Armie Hammer procreated with one of the sturdier barricades in Les Mis — Gabriel would be the gorgeous offspring. I mean, even though I’m quite upset about this true excrescence while contemplating his torso and face, I’m filled with jouissance, with all its Barthesian overtones of orgasmic joy. And I guess the contemplation of his beauty has put me in a good mood too, because honestly the acting throughout the series is really strong and Paris’s beauty does emerge from the shitshow unscathed and even if the boulangerie are nothing but blank parodies of themselves and the scenes within them are riddled with continuity errors, to see such vast array of batards, baguettes, pains au chocolat, croissants, and brioche is enormously pleasurable. But anyway, as angelic as he is, Gabriel can’t save this carnival of fart smell.

Look, there is smart-dumb and dumb-dumb and the archetype of an ingenue American in Paris is well-trod territory both in the hands of Star himself (viz. the “An American Girl in Paris” episodes of Sex in the City) as well as by luminaries such as Godard in A Bout de Souffle. Sometimes a naif from the Midwest is a divine fool, recognizing truths unseen by those accustomed to them. But Emily in Paris is dumb-dumb. That is to say, the show is silly in ways that I can’t imagine they meant to be. Consider the croissant. At one point, as an indicator of Emily’s rapier wit, she takes a picture of a gaggle of French women, fresh from spinning, enjoying a post-workout smoke. “#Frenchworkout #Smokin’bodies” she writes in a judge-y Instagram caption. Unremarked upon is the fact that Emily, still clad in her running outfit (which reveals, it might be noted, a totes shredded six pack), is holding a croissant — which is totally fine, but an indulgence all the same. This falls into a pattern that presents paradoxes without comment and which seem sloppy rather than provocative. The most egregious example, I think, takes place at the bistro where, unbeknownst to Emily, her potential new boyfriend Gabriel works as head chef. In a trope as well done as a Shake Shack patty, she sends her steak back, complaining it is undercooked. This is then followed by a brief very American diatribe about how, in America, the customer is always right. Is she supposed to be ridiculous or relatable? At any rate, the steak is sent back to the kitchen and then presented almost immediately with the predictable reply that the meat is cooked as the meat should be cooked. Emily is on the edge of advocating for herself when she catches sight of Angel Gabriel and, in an act again of unremarked-upon deflation, quickly backtracks to say the steak is perfect as it is. What are we left with but an increasingly futile hope that this is all pretext for a massive late-season volta in which Emily, like Oedipus or Creon, realizes her shortcomings, gouges out her eyes, and exiles herself to the periphery? No, this fantasy holds as little promise in Emily in Paris as it does in Washington, D.C.

There’s an early scene when Emily first meets her new best friend, Mindy, who is working as an au pair despite (or in spite of) her familial wealth. In this scene, the pair are sitting in a Parisian park and Mindy’s charges, two towheaded French children, are playing by a fountain. Without asking, Emily snaps and shares a picture of the kid to her account @emilyinparis, demonstrating her growing habit of photographing and Instagramming people without their consent. In this instance, I got so mad I had to get up and do a lap around my living room. What irked me so much was that taking a picture, let alone sharing it, of minors is so fucked up and, as it happens, illegal according to France’s Penal Code (Sec 226.1) and yet here passes without mention as if it were de rigueur. The gesture takes something beautiful and alive and, with an unthinking sense of entitlement, pins it like a dead monarch for the display and edification of others, imprisoning it behind hashtag bars and digested in the maw of a rapacious feed. And this gesture, which is essentially one of disrespect, is at the heart of every line, in every bite of every morsel of every meal that is served in Emily in Paris. To see something you know is beautiful made to bow in order to enter through the narrow aperture of idiocy makes one lose one’s appetite. Sure, Paris is a city of lights, of beauty, of love and, yes, croissants. But the more you love Paris, which is to say, the more you love life, with all its complexity, nuance and agenda- and metric-defying splendour, the more you’ll find Emily in Paris unpalatable, if not downright degueulasse.

Joshua David Stein is the co-author of the forthcoming Nom Wah Tea Parlor and Il Buco Essentials: Stories & Recipes cookbooks and the memoir Notes from a Young Black Chef with Kwame Onwuachi. He is the author of the six children’s books, most recently The Invisible Alphabet, with illustrations by Ron Barrett. Follow him on Instagram at @joshuadavidstein.

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Courtesy of Netflix

Among the Netflix series’s set pieces are a boulangerie, a brasserie, and a bistro, which represent Paris as artlessly as the show’s American protagonist

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defunctblogtobedeleted · 5 years

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10/26/19 3:40 am - Inventing A New Ranking System For People

Alright I don’t know if it’s sexist since I’m bi (LOL Andi would hate when I called shit gay and say that it’s okay because I’m half-gay).

But I did a lot of brainstorming and wanted to show off my new rating scale.

1-10 is trash. We used to parody it by saying it was more efficient to just do Binary where 0 is you wouldn’t smash and 1 is you would.

There’s just no depth there.

The crazy-hot chart is at least a little better because it’s got two factors you’re assessing.

So Here’s what I’ve got for you today.

I spent that one night at Darlin’s watching her stream and drawing this picture because I kept imagining what it would be like to write down all my feelings and have her read about how much I loved her and how highly I thought about her and maybe she’d take me back. I came up with this scale, but didn’t draw that part of this page out until just now.

I’m glad I’m writing the official scale part and all the numbers now that I don’t really want Andi back. It all feels more honest, though the opinions haven’t really changed. One of the things I said to Andi when I was breaking off our friendship was that I felt shitty like I was manipulating her back into a relationship and not being real friends with her.

Honestly I don’t know if I could control myself to try to be platonic friends with her now. Probably not, I’m tryna fuck like everyone I hang out with LMAO.

But anyway, Andi and I loved DnD and so that was the inspiration for this scale. Forreal here it is:

So here’s the rundown. You’ve got your normal 6 stats on the left, Strength, Dexterity, Constitution, Intelligence, Wisdom, and Charisma.

It helps to fill these out as well, because then you have 12 points of assessment.

For example, Andi’s digestive issues means that there is no fucking WAY she’d be able to pass a constitution check on poison, since she can barely eat most regular foods; hence she has a -2 in that stat. It also helps to remember that when you’re doing real stats that 18 is like supergenius and 20 is literally unachievable naturally so there’s no way you ought to give a real person much higher than like a 16 or 17 intellect.

Okay now here’s the fun part. My made up stats are Hobbies, Spontaneity, Mental Health, Sex, Beauty, and Status/Refinement.

Hobbies are what I consider to be the strength of a relationship. It’s how much you guys have in common with the things you like to do. On these stats I think it’s more natural to fill them out to a max score of 20. Andi gets two points off for not liking drugs and not liking fucked up shit from 4chan or videos where she gets grossed out like Me!Me!Me! but she was damn near perfect in terms of wanting to do stuff I wanted to do. Drinking, video games, sex? Yeah. got it.

Spontaneity is a subjective stat. One person’s SPO 20 is probably another person’s SPO 1, after all. You’d want someone in your life to be as crazy and willing to go out and do wild shit as you are, I’d presume. Or at least I do, which is why in terms of having Andi ready to go on road trip adventures across the country with me she didn’t quite hold up. I’d give her a -2 but she did fuck me in a parking lot the first night I met her. Really thought about giving her a flat stat just for that, but overall I think it’s negative.

Mental Health isn’t just a category for me to take a jab at Andi for having depressive issues, I fucking swear I’m not that much of a dick. Mental Health, or MHP, is a throwback to that Crazy-Hotness chart/meme/adage. You really do have to take into account if someone isn’t going to slice your ass with razor blades when they fuck you lmfao, or if they’re going to fight with you or fuck your friends any chance they get. Some people are just crazy and now here’s a stat for that. But alright yes, I am an asshole and took off points because Andi was depressed so much lmfao.

Sex + Beauty I like these stats being their own categories for the same reason that INT and WIS are different stats. Raw beauty is your natural 1-10 scale of hotness. Of course, it’s more accurate because it includes .5 decimals by going 1-20. I’d give Andi a 7.5 on my hotness scale, where 10s are like Natalie Portman, Britney Spears ~Toxic era, and Kimberly from the Power Rangers. So in DnD Beauty she gets a 15. She had perfect tits, a great ass, a tight stomach, a pretty smile, and legs for fucking days, man. Pretty fucking hot. For sex, I’d say you should rate someone on a scale from 1-18 normally, just because an 18 is the highest stat you can roll naturally before increasing your stats with feats. But then you can continue to add 1 or 2 if they actually have some mindblowing skills. Like if they give the best head you’ve ever gotten or something they can break into that best-in-the-world territory that a 19/20 stat in DnD is supposed to represent. That being said, Andi was one of my favorite fucks. She didn’t have unbelievable stamina on top and didn’t give a legendary blowjob. But she was ALWAYS ready to fuck. And so enthusiastic. And so sexy. And kinky. The only area she loses points from rolling the nat 18 is for kissing and for whatever was causing the puss flavor. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I really honestly think it was just because we were too lazy to shower most of the weekend though so I didn’t want to take a whole second point off for that.

And so that leaves us with Status (/Refinement) Status is a somewhat more nebulous stat, but I wanted to add a stat in for how classy someone is. Does she come from a rich family? Does she have money? Does she make more money than you? How is her taste in music and culture and art? Would you feel shitty not taking her out to a fancy restaurant? Like sometimes you have to acknowledge that you’re tryna fuck a hot piece of trailer trash. It’s fine, man. Like Mungo Jerry said In The Summertime, “If her daddy’s rich, take her out for a meal / If her daddy’s poor, just do what you feel.” It’s not a bad thing to not be classy. For starters I liked that Andi made a little more money than me, but she wasn’t rich enough to take me in and be my sugar momma 😂 I also didn’t think she had Great taste in anime and music, so she ends up in an above-average-but-still-kinda-middling stat.

And that covers it!

I hope this doesn’t make me the worst person ever. But I might start reviewing all the people I sleep with like this. I think it really demonstrates their appeal a lot more than anything else I’ve heard of.

Let me know if I’m the biggest piece of shit ever for this so I know not to do it though lmfao.

Also Andi, if you ever read this for some reason I hope you’re... flattered? I guess? I really hope you meant what you said when you told me I could write about you because... this is probably a lot. I really don’t think I was out of your league though, and when you looked at your porn pics of us and said you couldn’t believe your ass looked so good I hope you know you always looked great.

💕 It really was fun. Unblock me so we can be friends again. It’d be cool to chill now that I’m in a better headspace I think.

I was thinking about calling you when I finally got to this part in my catching up, but I want to give you your space. Forever, I guess. You always said you were the bad bitch Ex’s And Oh’s girl who would have your exes chasing you to the end of the Earth and I’m not about that chase lmao. But you were worth it. You were worth a lot more, to be honest lol, I wish I had gotten my shit together before we broke up instead of after. But you really convinced me to treat myself right, and take better care of myself in a way that nobody outside of my family has and you mean a lot to me for that. So I hope you’re doing well and I don’t want to do anything to fuck that up if you are, so I’m not gonna be that ex that calls you out of the blue that says “oh are you ready to be friends again, sorry for that shit I said.” Also because I’m not. But if you wanted to be friends anyway that’d be rad. 💕 💕

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emf1947 · 7 years

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Fever Dream

(In which Ashleighcheltho67 overdoses on NyQuil and the following dream ensues.)

“Hi, babe. It’s Jenna. Look, I just flew back from Utah for the night because I’m going to be on the move for the next few weeks and need to pack a few more things. Since it’s well known I’m always ready to hop on your dick, you wanna get together for a few?’

A few minutes later she gets a text. “Can you come by and pick me up? I really don’t want you in the new place. It might give you ideas.”

“Yeah, that’s fine.”

Later Val looks up from smelling Jenna’s hair so he can pretend to be interested in the new Neutrogena gig and yells, “Your driver is taking video!”

“Val, relax! It’s dark in here. It will be blurry video of shadows, just like last time.”

“Yeah, but you can post it and make people think I went to Utah for your cousin’s wedding with you! As If I would go to a wedding with no booze.”

“It was my brother’s wedding, and I could have done with some booze myself.”

“So you needed to come home to ‘pack’, huh? Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.”

“Yes, I have a choreography gig coming up in Michigan and then a family vacation in Florida and then an appearance at a, get this, sweet sixteen party for a fan. My clothes from Canada and NY won’t work”

“A sweet sixteen party? Jenna, honey, I know the acting thing isn’t going that well, or at all, actually, but I could lend you some money if you’re short on cash.”

“No, I just told my agent to keep me out of LA as much as possible until So You Think You Can Dance starts back up.”

“But, Jenna, you know I need you here as a cover so no one catches on that I’m really here to hang around Zendaya like a lost puppy while she and Tom grab all the headlines and no one notices me anyway!”

“Yeah, I do.”

Later that night, her phone rings. “Jenna, will you take that fucking video off the internet? People think I was in Utah with you.”

“If there’s video of us fucking on the internet, I didn’t put it there,” she mumbles sleepily.

“No, the one where it looks like I’m kissing your hair.”

“You were kissing my hair.”

“I was not, I was smelling your hair product.”

“Have it your way. I’m taking the video down, poopyhead. Now let me sleep, I have a long flight in the morning.”

A week later she gets a call, “Look, Jenna, do you by any chance still have your passport on you?”

“I may have, let me see. Damn, I do, and I meant to put it back in my safety deposit box.”

“No, that’s good! I’m going on this European trip and my escort - I mean the person who was supposed to come with me - backed out and I need you to come along as my trusty sidepiece, uh, sidekick. You’ll be back in time for SYTYCD.

Oh, and do you have bathing suit?”

“I have two, we’re in Florida, remember?”

“Well, I’ll get you a third, and maybe a few hot nighties and some other barely appropriate odds and ends. Frederick’s of Hollywood is having a sale.”

“Val!”

“Okay, Victoria’s Secret it is.”

Three days later they are in Rome. “We have two days to see all the major sights here and then our ship sails.”

“Our ship? Valenna?”

“Barf. No, a cruise ship. We are going to Amalfi, Cagliari, Mallorca, Marseilles, Antibes, and Monte Carlo.”

“Mallorca? We are going to Spain?”

“Yes, just think, we are going to be there the same time Z is in Barcelona!”

“So you’re going to hook up with her?”

“No, I may miss the ship. I’ll probably just call or text or something. Oh, let’s ask this lady directions to the fountain.”

Two pictures, one with his camera, one with the lady’s and a video later, Jenna says, “You know that video is going to be all over the internet, and it was taken in broad daylight.”

“No one is going to believe we are really dating. Just that we are FWB.”

“I’m not sure the ‘benefits’ part normally includes expensive Mediterranean cruises, but okay.”

“I can wait until you get your SYTYCD paycheck before making you pay me for your half.”

A few days later, “Val, why did you post a picture of my butt with a heart-eye emoji?”

“It’s a picture of your legs. I love your legs.”

“It’s a picture of my butt. I wondered why you bought me these shorts.”

“Well, I love your butt, too.”

“People will talk.”

“I posted a picture of your face, too. With dog ears.”

“Okay, the hokey pictures of me holding a hand with a red string bracelet and the two shadows were okay, but this is straying into you admitting I’m alive territory. And why did Alan take his parody picture of the hand holding one down? I loved that picture.”

“I may have said something to him about it.”

“You never let me have any fun.”

In Mallorca:

“Tonight at dinner will you wear the black dress? I’m going to wear the white suit”

“Okay. How did the phone call to Valdaya go?”

“You mean Zendaya.”

“Yeah, I just see it the other way so often I forget.”

“I left a voicemail. I guess she’s busy.”

Later that night:

“I see you posted that picture of me.”

“I did, and in a little bit I’ll post the one you took of me across the table from you.”

“The one where you look like you are auditioning for the role of Adolpho in a bad summer theater production of The Drowsy Chaperone?”

“Just read the caption, okay?”

(At this point, Ashleighcheltho67 screams and wakes up. “Damn it’s about time I woke up. That was turning into a nightmare!”)

#valenna #valenna fanfiction

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surveysonfleek · 7 years

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292.

x1 Give one fun-fact about the last person that called you?: he named his boat after me. x2 Would you ever lie in bed with the last person you texted?: yes, just last night.

x3 Do your parents know you have a Bzoink account?: nope, i don’t have one. x4 When is your Bzoink anniversary (One year of having an account )?: -

x5 How often does your computer lose internet connection?: hardly everrrrr *touchwood*

x6 Does the number 666 mean anything to you? Does it bother you?: i know it’s the devil’s number etc but it means nothing to me, there’s 666 in my phone number lol. x7 Is there anyone you are displeased with at this time? Why?: nope. x8 Is there anyone you wish you could apologize to? Who?: nope. x9 Typically, do you like being asked a lot of questions?: hmm it depends on the topic. survey-wise i don’t really care, i hate surveys over 100 questions though. conversation-wise it’s fine as long as i’m not being interrogated or something. x1o When first meeting someone, do you let them do most of the talking and topic-picking, or do you try to lead the conversation where you like?: i’ll do a bit of both. if i can tell they’re a bit shy i’ll steer the conversation. x11 Is there a generally-viewed-as-yucky food combination that you like?: none that i can think of right now. x12 What do you think of wearing make up to school?: i honestly never wore makeup to school. maybe senior year i started doing powder and bronzer but that’s about it. x13 How about wearing make up in the work place?: i do really simple makeup at work. i wear primer, foundation, eyebrow pomade and blush. x14 Were you interested at all in the last person that flirted with you?: sure. x15 Do you like to take online personality quizzes?: haha sometimes. x16 If so, what was the result of the last one that you took?: it was a hogwarts one but not on pottermore. i got fkn hufflepuff omg hahahaha. in pottermore i’m a ravenclaw. x17 What is the most depressing book you can think of? Movie? Song?: haha i’m so blank right now. x18 Does your current group of friends mean a lot to you?: yes, they do. hopefully it’s for life. x19 Can you trust your friends? Why or why not?: yes and no. i can trust them with personal issues but gossiping is a bit of a dangerous territory lol. x2o Do you put up with more in friendships than in relationships?: at times yeah. i’m completely comfortable with my boyfriend after all these years so the drama is usually with my friends. x21 What do you normally do on a Saturday morning?: i usually catch up with my dad. x22 Do you know/like any songs by Weird Al? Which is your favorite?: ummmmm. i remember loving his real slim shady parody but i honestly forgot the title haha. x23 Do you feel better sleeping alone, or with someone else?: in my bed, sleeping alone is ideal coz it’s small. but i do enjoy sleeping next to my boyfriend in a bigger bed lol. x24 What was the last thing to come close to your face?: hair. x25 When was the last time you were poked in the eye with something?: idk. x26 Do you enjoy applying make up, if you wear it?: yeah i enjoy it. it’s slightly therapeutic for me. x27 Help build a house, or get to help tear one down?: build. x28 Did you ever go ice-skating as a kid? Were you good?: yes. i’ve been once in my life and i was a kid. i was 6. and i could fucking ice skate. i wonder if i still could. x29 Have you ever felt like you were going to drown? : yes. x3o When was the last time you were nude in someone else’s presence?: last night. x31 Do physical exams make you uncomfortable?: yes. x32 Would you rather wear shorts, or pants?: pants. actually depends on the weather. x33 How about short sleeve shirts, or long sleeved ones? Why?: either or. x34 What do you think of feet? Do you paint your toenails?: i hate the thought of feet. i don’t paint my toenails often unless summer. x35 If you could say one thing to your favorite celeb, what would you say?: you are a bad bitch and i love you. x36 Would you rather do difficult math problems, or write a long essay?: essay. x37 Who was the last person to distract you?: phi. x38 What is your favorite thing to do when you are single?: i haven’t ben single in 8 years. but tbh i probably miss buying shit for myself alllll the time the most. x39 How about when you are in a relationship with someone you like?: having company i guess. x4o What do you think of teen relationships? Have you had one?: yeah i have. they’re good. if you’re both in it for the right reasons they’re great.

#survey #surveys #quiz #bored #questions

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theinsanecrayonbox · 7 years

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Certifiable Super Sitter

Ah yes, the first in the new spamming block of episodes that are exclusive to the premium network where things die. I wasn’t able to watch this live, but now that I’ve gotten a hold of it, let us see how things go…

Before that though, this was confusing; both the synopsis and a clip Butch posted showed Poof, yet the title card had Foop. So going into this rather confused…

Oh so apparently Spellementary School is now a boarding school, thus why Poof has been absent this entire time thus far. Ok, I guess I can believe that. But if Foop attends as well, why is he allowed free reign to come and go? Is it because he’s a loose canon cop who doesn’t play by the rules? Or did he get kicked out of school?

Ok making fun of Poof’s design gets you points. And Chloe likes babies and is not threatened by having a godsibling…ok works for me *crosses that off the headcanon list*

He popped a Nickelodeon orange balloon…oh I hope that was a jab at them…

The changing voices thing hasn’t even gone on for a minute and I’m already sick of it, like wow…if you didn’t want Tara to do it you could’ve just said “oh his voice changed” and stick to one and no one would complain. But all these impressions…

Chloe sweetheart, hate to break it to you, but Poof is canonically 2, he shouldn’t have that “new baby smell” anymore

“I’ve brought friends! Ok a friend and a harbinger of doom” lol sounds like my DnD group honestly

Hurray the return of Sammy! And idk if I wanna know *how* you tried to turn Foop sweet there buddy…I smell slash fiction honestly…

“Were going to have whole and age appropriate fun for the whole family!” oh…so I didn’t miss the mark about that slash fiction did I…wow…and then Sammy bring sit up in the next scene like…wow…

Ok Chloe’s middle name definitely changed this time, I totally noticed it.

That is what we call an appropriate toilet joke folks! Coming from a character who’s age it suits, as well as a suitable analogy in the context of the scene.

You know, they missed an opportunity here. Chloe should’ve been dressed in Flappy Bob attire instead of a flight attendant suit. Would’ve made more sense for eth child care thing that’s going on. Just saying. And would’ve give Timmy an opportunity to make a joke about repressed clown fears or something.

Wow very pointless Dad. And…he’s a red triceratops. Booo. Should’ve been a crocodile or a dragon that was red. But yeah, pointless Dad that is highly regressed into extreme stupidity. But since they decided this should be a 30 min ep I guess they had to fill it some how…

“That fishy gave a kiss that hurt” I…Sammy, stop encouraging the slash writers please ^^;;;

And a diaper joke. But see, still also appropriate for the character that said it.

Aww Chloe, always looking for the good in everyone…even if it’s not there ^^;

Pointless Crocker but…you know, it sorta fit the scene…let’s see if it goes on for too long. If it does I’ll deduct points then; if not, we’ll let this pass

Awwww Chloe hugs can cure the evil crazy

And we end the first half with the appearance of Vicky. Huh, that actually was a great place to cut it actually.

Ok Vicky being territorial about her turf. That’s good. I wonder if part of her membership in BRAT was to divvy up the local area for certain baby sitters? Then again, BRAT was sort of dismantled and she took over everything, so that might not apply anymore. But that though does show and prove why we never really saw any other baby sitters around. BRAT was like an evil babysitter’s club XDDD

But this also shows that Vicky retained her memories about magic, since she went out of her way to disarm both of the fairies…”no soothing items on my watch” aw why would you try to write it off as just her meanness?? She’s a methodical evil villain; of course she would disarm the heroes immediately. Fine, if it’s not an active memory, then a subconscious one, because she knows from past exposure that those are the fairies’ focal points for their magics.

Oh another pointless Crocker. But, black hole with random junk, I’ll give it. (plus it could be an alternate universe Crocker lol) also technically this is another episode

She said “Tricky Vicky” eeeee. Ok, Superverse CoT Tricky Vicky will now have teleporting/dimensional hole ripping powers in her portfolio. It is canon.

Aw really, a Saw parody? How is that “wholesome age appropriate fun for the whole family”?? and more Crocker…you know, I would have expected Crocker to be Billy over Vicky

Even Vicky is concerned about Sammy ^^;

“I’m gonna tell mommy-I mean my wife!” ok…how are you guys getting away with this writing?? Does no one seriously care anymore? I’m not sure if that’s awesome or scary honestly

Vicky has a date??? With who??? Glad Foop agrees with me…but I did like Vicky’s response lol

“I can’t save the world, I know that now!!” awww Chloe hunny, reality checks do suck, but still…this situation isn’t typical, you can still do it

Oooo Chloe vs Vicky showdown. This is gonna be good…

Dang Sammy, you got some hard core smack in you don’t ya. Idk if that’s good or scary.

CHLOE HAS A LIGHT SABER!! YESSSSSS!! And it’s even the color I used for her!! Yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

So many alliterations lol

And Foop saved Chloe, and he love s her. Awwww that is sweet. And proves that if Chloe is nice to a villain, they can become fiends. So why not let her interact with Francis???

And cubic Crocker…ok I’m not letting that last pointless Crocker go. Sorry.

But over all, this episode…honestly, it could have been done in half the time and hit the important marks. Poof played like no role; Foop had a bigger role than he did honestly. First confrontation with Vicky in a long while and it was ok, not the best, but could’ve been worse. The important marks it hit were good. And it was enjoyable to watch, but I don’t see it being memorable or something I’ll be like “must see again”. It wasn’t horrible, but it wasn’t anything special either, which considering they took 30 min to do it in, does make it rather lack luster. But I will say that I will recommend you watch it once, because it is worth the watch, but that’s about it.

#Fairly Odd Parents #Fairly Oddparents #fop #review #kp talks fop

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