#yes it's a gendered phenomenon. i have written a LOT about how different genders experience it. that's for a different post.

[inkskinned]

the thing is that they're so fascinated by sex, they love sex, they can't imagine a world without sex - they need sex to sell things, they need sex to be part of their personality, they need sex to prove their power - but they hate sex. they are disgusted by it.

sex is the only thing that holds their attention, and it is also the thing that can never be discussed directly.

you can't tell a child the normal names for parts of their body, that's sexual in nature, because the body isn't a body, it's a vessel of sex. it doesn't matter that it's been proven in studies (over and over) that kids need to know the names of their genitals; that they internalize sexual shame at a very young age and know it's 'dirty' to have a body; that it overwhelmingly protects children for them to have the correct words to communicate with. what matters is that they're sexual organs. what matters is that it freaks them out to think about kids having body parts - which only exist in the context of sex.

it's gross to talk about a period or how to check for cancer in a testicle or breast. that is nasty, illicit. there will be no pain meds for harsh medical procedures, just because they feature a cervix.

but they will put out an ad of you scantily-clad. you will sell their cars for them, because you have abs, a body. you will drip sex. you will ooze it, like a goo. like you were put on this planet to secrete wealth into their open palms.

they will hit you with that same palm. it will be disgusting that you like leather or leashes, but they will put their movie characters in leather and latex. it will be wrong of you to want sexual freedom, but they will mark their success in the number of people they bed.

they will crow that it's inappropriate for children so there will be no lessons on how to properly apply a condom, even to teens. it's teaching them the wrong things. no lessons on the diversity of sexual organ growth, none on how to obtain consent properly, none on how to recognize when you feel unsafe in your body. if you are a teenager, you have probably already been sexualized at some point in your life. you will have seen someone also-your-age who is splashed across a tv screen or a magazine or married to someone three times your age. you will watch people pull their hair into pigtails so they look like you. so that they can be sexy because of youth. one of the most common pornography searches involves newly-18 young women. girls. the words "barely legal," a hiss of glass sand over your skin.

barely legal. there are bills in place that will not allow people to feel safe in their own bodies. there are people working so hard to punish any person for having sex in a way that isn't god-fearing and submissive. heteronormative. the sex has to be at their feet, on your knees, your eyes wet. when was the first time you saw another person crying in pornography and thought - okay but for real. she looks super unhappy. later, when you are unhappy, you will close your eyes and ignore the feeling and act the role you have been taught to keep playing. they will punish the sex workers, remove the places they can practice their trade safely. they will then make casual jokes about how they sexually harass their nanny.

and they love sex but they hate that you're having sex. you need to have their ornamental, perfunctory, dispassionate sex. so you can't kiss your girlfriend in the bible belt because it is gross to have sex with someone of the same gender. so you can't get your tubes tied in new england because you might change your mind. so you can't admit you were sexually assaulted because real men don't get hurt, you should be grateful. you cannot handle your own body, you cannot handle the risks involved, let other people decide that for you. you aren't ready yet.

but they need you to have sex because you need to have kids. at 15, you are old enough to parent. you are not old enough to hear the word fuck too many times on television.

they are horrified by sex and they never stop talking about it, thinking about it, making everything unnecessarily preverted. the saying - a thief thinks everyone steals. they stand up at their podiums and they look out at the crowd and they sign a bill into place that makes sexwork even more unsafe and they stand up and smile and sign a bill that makes gender-affirming care illegal and they get up and they shrug their shoulders and write don't say gay and they get up, and they make the world about sex, but this horrible, plastic vision of it that they have. this wretched, emotionless thing that holds so much weight it's staggering. they put their whole spine behind it and they push and they say it's normal!

this horrible world they live in. disgusted and also obsessed.

[charlie-rulerofhell]

For they know exactly what they do

Today there was a pretty long article published in the German newspaper FAZ, written by Julia Schaaf. Since there were quite a few interesting topics raised in it and Måneskin talked about some new aspects (or in more detail), I translated the whole thing (it might also have helped me to procrastinate).

Full interview in English under the cut.

For they know exactly what they do

June 22, 2021

Four young rock musicians from Rome are today's hottest band. Måneskin are enchanting Europe. Why? We met them for an interview.

Every romance needs its founding myth, an anecdote from the beginning, something you can tell later in more difficult times for self-assurance.

In the case of the band Måneskin, who first had Italy and now half of Europe wrapped around their fingers, and who are now trying to conquer the rest of the world with their rock music, there is the story of the shoe box. Rome, around five years ago: Four teenagers who are meeting every day after school in their rehearsal room to make music together, and sometimes they play their songs on the Via del Corso in the city centre in front of a changing audience. One day they want to record their own stuff. They find a studio that they can actually afford and as they go there they bring a shoe box, with the name of the band written on it, 'moonshine' in Danish, the bassist's mother is Danish. In the box: around seven kilogram of coins. The things you get from playing music on the streets. Everyone searching through Instagram for photos from that time can find four hippies with children's faces, three boys in batik, the girl is wearing a straw hat.

As they have to pay [for the recording], frontman Damiano David, 22, says that there was this guy, Angelo, and his bandmate Victoria De Angelis, 21, is interrupting: “No, Andrea, not Angelo”, and all of them have to laugh because a rigid studio manager with the Italian name 'angel' would be even funnier for a founding myth. David continues his story: “The guy was completely dumbfounded. 'We can't do that.' We went: 'Sure we can, that's worth the same even if it's just 20 cent coins, it's still 300 euros.” Thomas Raggi, 20, the guitarist of the band, is gasping for air as he laughs, while drummer Ethan Torchio, 20, is smiling dreamily. David finishes: “And then we snuck off before he was able to count it.” [the German text says 'verdrücken' here which is just a colloquial way of saying 'we left', but it entails some sort of a dramatic exit, so yeah, let your thoughts get creative how they left exactly :D].

Four young musicians on the verge of global fame are sitting on a white interview sofa in Berlin, completely styled, babbling across each other like overeager teenagers.

Ever since the Roman band first won the music festival Sanremo and then also the Eurovision Song Contest, carried by the enthusiasm of European viewers, you could say Måneskin has become a phenomenon. “Rock 'n' Roll never dies!”, Damiano David yelled fueled by the adrenaline of winning, and the insinuation that circulated on social media of the singer snorting during the counting of votes in front of a live camera – including their strict denial followed by a negative drug test result – might have given an additional boost to their public interest, their exploding album, ticket and merch sales, and their outstanding success on Spotify.

“We think it's a shit prejudice against rock music that there always have to be drugs involved. We fully threw ourselves into our participation with the utmost professionalism. We give everything for the music. So of course we don't want people to think that we can only do that because we take drugs.” – Victoria De Angelis

Prior to Eurovision, Måneskin was more of an insider's tip outside of Italy. Handmade rock music, not creating something entirely new but paying homage to the good old times with classic guitar riffs and cracking drum beats, being a lot of fun but also quite fragile and vulnerable at times and, first and foremost, conveying a captivating energy. Finally, on the stage of Rotterdam, live after so many months of isolation and renunciation, this wave of energy spilled straight over into European living rooms. It seemed easy to (mistakenly) interpret the winning song “Zitti e buoni” (Shut up and behave) as a declaration of frustration of our youth in times of a pandemic. In fact, singer Damiano David is singing about the favourite topic of the band: the unrelenting need to, against all odds, be yourself, despite or perhaps because you are different. The message fits their provocative sex appeal, which the band uses to demonstrate their independence of gender norms at any given time. But the core essence of rock music has always been the promise of unlimited freedom.

Thus at the first moment, the meeting with Måneskin is kind of startling. It's Wednesday, we are in the top floor of the new Sony head quarters in Berlin. The four Italians have just started their two-week long promotion tour through Europe. In the afternoon there will be a live concert in a queer club [the SchwuZ, but that's not mentioned here] in Neukölln, which will be streamed via TikTok. Around one million viewers will watch the show, some of them even from Brazil, so people at Sony are pretty excited [for Måneskin to come here]. But at first, these stunningly gorgeous creatures [yes, that's the exact wording :D] are standing surrounded by an entourage of people – their management, PR team, a stylist, a photographer, people who can hold a smartphone or a cigarette if needed [this paragraph is worded a little weirdly, especially taking into account that basically their whole team / 'entourage' is just friends of them, but it seems like the journalist didn't know that or maybe they just wanted to describe their first impression]. They seem like fictional / artificial characters out of a Hollywood movie. Transparent frill blouses with blazers and flared leather trousers, even the platform boots, everything brand-new, the makeup makes their faces look like a glossy magazine cover even in person. The smokey eyes of De Angelis and Raggi make them look smug and bored. Later, on the pictures it will probably look cool.

So of course your first impression might be: This band is under contract to industry giant Sony ever since their success on an Italian casting show [X Factor] in Winter 2017. The music industry must have its hand in the game when a band is photographed half-naked by Oliviero Toscani and styled by Etro. Also, one does not simply rent a villa with a pool in Rome to produce new music there, isolated from the rest of the world. And who else went to London for two whole months, shortly before the winter lockdown, just for inspiration? After the TikTok concert in Berlin – De Angelis and David are now wearing fishnet shirts that sparkle with every move, their bare nipples covered with an X of black tape – the band is posing with a few influencers. In the world of social media you would call that 'producing content'. But what does that mean for a band who are preaching their hosanna of authenticity? How authentic is Måneskin? And is their pointedly casual approach to sexuality and gender cliches in today's pop-cultural spirit more than a marketing strategy?

We're in the interview, the recording device is running for not even five minutes, when Victoria De Angelis says: “Actually, we just try to be ourselves and do what we really want to do.” And really: The more you listen to those four how they speak about the early days of the band in their slurred Roman dialect, about the shoe box and their own experiences with being different, but most importantly about their shared obsession [with music], the more you realise that [De Angelis] is  very serious. Ethan Torchio, who got his first drum kit at the age of six or seven from his father because he was beating everything he could reach, says: “For me, music is like food. I cannot live without it.” The bassist next to him laughs at his pathos. Singer Damiano David applauds the otherwise more reserved friend for his truthfulness [it says 'klarer Punkt', meaning 'for the point he makes', but it makes it seem like Damiano is agreeing with Ethan here, although it doesn't indicate whether he agrees that yes, music is everything for Ethan or that he understands and feels the same].

De Angelis and guitarist Raggi already knew each other from middle school and they were the ones who tried to form a band at the age of only 13, a band that actually took music seriously.

De Angelis: “It's just difficult at that age to find other people who really put everything into music and who truly commit themselves and are willing to invest a lot of their time.”

Raggi: “We set strict rules and scheduled fixed times for the rehearsals, for every day.”

David: “Fever, stomach ache, there was no excuse. Even if you were feeling sick in the rehearsal room. At least you were in the rehearsal room.”

The way the four of them talk across each other, completing each other's sentences, taking turns in talking and sometimes joking about each other, seems intimate and playful. Singer David remembers how at first bassist [De Angelis] was merciless towards him when it came to her first metal band project, as she told him that he wasn't committed enough [to the music]: “Back then I was still playing Basketball. I was one of the people that Vic absolutely didn't want [in her band].” Drummer Torchio was later discovered through Facebook, even though there had already been a drummer, a close friend, but he was not good enough. It seems as if even back then music was everything for them. Even if it meant that only Raggi managed to graduate.

And why rock, why rock music of all things? Because it's great, the four of them say in unison. David adds: “Actually, it's a genre that allows you to do everything you want to do.”

When they played on the street, they were laughed at by their classmates. But not only there. De Angelis explains that she never wanted to be a typical girl: “I was always deterred by those stupid boxes that people put you in, and that are just restricting and constraining you, because something is only regarded as male or female. I always rejected that. Instead, I just wanted to do the things I enjoyed doing, I went skating and played football.” Torchio says: “Friends who are not friends anymore were already telling me at the age of ten that those“ – he grabs his long, silky black hair – “were wrong. Because I'm a boy and boys are meant to have short hair, long hair is only for girls. I was bullied a lot for that.”

“Compared to the past, people in our age became much more open-minded. It gets better.” – Thomas Raggi

Frontman David on the other hand, for whom eye shadow, jingling earrings and nail polish as well as his bare torso with the tattoos have become trademarks by now, says: “I was actually more of the average boy.” De Angelis convinced him to try out some eyeliner, which he describes as a spiritual awakening: “I liked myself much more [with makeup]. I saw myself more as myself. As if it had been a suppressed desire of mine.” On a trip to Copenhagen with the others, when he realised that it really didn't matter what people were thinking about him, he got his first fake fur [coat? the article doesn't specify that] in a second-hand shop and let his clothing style be guided by his own love to experiment: “I realised that my whole life I was just going at half speed.” When it comes to diversity all four of them are becoming almost missionary.

At the same time, their success is not only opening doors for them. Back home in Rome they are barely able to go out on the street due to all the paparazzi. “[You need a] hoodie and huge sunglasses”, David says, “the mask is quite helpful, too.” And still, none of them is complaining, and Torchio explains why: “Even if those experiences right now may have sides that are not so pleasant, we still know that for us a dream is coming true. We experience something that we always had in our minds, so we are willing to face every consequence that this entails.”

So is the band facing difficult times, is Måneskin going to change with all the success? Again, all of them answer at the same time.

David: “I'm not worried about that.”

Raggi: “No way!”

De Angelis: “On the contrary. Everything that happened to us happened because we are who we are, so we want to continue the exact same way and stay ourselves.”

Just a few hours later, they are at the stage in Neukölln, bouncing around like pinballs, hammering at their instruments, flirting with each other. “We are out of our minds, but different from the others”, David sings their winning hymn against conformism, and: “The people talk, unfortunately they talk.” Here on stage, the four paradise birds [a German word describing someone with a flamboyant personality] with their half-nude-glittering outfits are radiating an incredible energy with the utmost sincerity, and you begin to wish there was a live audience instead of the TikTok cameras, absorbing and spreading this energy. Måneskin. A cry for a life after the pandemic, a cry for freedom and a better world.

“We do what we wished for all our lives.” – Ethan Torchio

[writingwithcolor]

B’nei mitzvah in spaceship without Jewish community | Jewish character celebrating Christmas

Hi! Thank you so much for running this blog. I appreciate how much time and effort all the mods have put into it. I finished reading through the whole Jewish tag a few days ago, and I’ve learned so much! I’m writing a Voltron fic (I *know* lol) and decided to make one of the protagonists a white nonbinary Ashkenazi Reform Jewish girl. Her astronaut brother mysteriously disappears in space and is presumed dead, so she runs away from home a couple of months before her b'nei mitzvah to find him. Now, she’s in a group of rebels in space fighting against an Empire. I have two concerns:

1. Everyone on the ship misses home, so part of the way they cope is through getting in touch with their cultures. They’re gonna celebrate (a mostly non-Americanized) Christmas because it matters a lot to some of the characters for non-religious reasons. To what extent can my Jewish character participate in the celebration without it being weird? I want her to enjoy herself more because she’s with her friends than because Jesus etc. They’ll also celebrate Chanukah, if that helps. I know Chanukah isn’t a major holiday, so I also want to have her celebrate a more significant one like Rosh Hashanah and/or Purim with them. Is it okay for gentiles to participate in those holiday celebrations, or should she do that alone?

2. Throughout most of the story, she’ll struggle with choosing whether to prioritize fighting the Empire or finding her brother and bringing him home. When she eventually does find her brother (who also turns out to be a rebel), he lets her decide whether they stay or go home. I thought it would be nice if she decided to stay and keep fighting for the greater good after she finally has her b'nei mitzvah. Her friends and other experiences are also a big part of why she decides to stay, but the b'nei mitzvah would be what gives her the final push she needs to decide. I don’t know if it would be okay for me to write the ceremony itself or if she can even have one if only two of the eight people on the ship are Jewish. I read that not everyone has a b'nei mitzvah and that it’s not required, but I feel like it’d be a big deal to her character. Should I keep the b'nei mitzvah idea, or am I heading towards appropriative territory here?

I want to make her Jewishness a big part of her character’s growth, and I really want to make sure I do it respectfully and accurately. I plan on finding a sensitivity reader when I’ve made more progress with actually writing everything out. Thank you for any insight you might offer!

It feels off to me to join a community symbolically when you’re far away FROM the community. Why not just have had her already have done the ceremony before she has all these adventures? That way it could just be a straightforward story about a Jewish teen having exciting heroic adventures in space, rather than a story about what happens when you have to miss aspects of Jewish life because you’re in space. It would also make the “….well, I guess I’m around for Christmas” bit less weighted because then that would be the only one of those instead of having two of those.

–Shira 

I’ll cover some other territory here. For those who don’t know, b'nei mitzvah is something you just automatically become at the correct age, the ceremony is simply to celebrate that with the community. Not all people have the ceremony, but if you are Jewish, and of age (for religious purposes), your status changes with or without it. Personally, I’m comfortable with showing a Jewish character finding a way to have a Jewish celebration when the circumstances are less than ideal, for me the other aspects of the story are more troubling. 

On the subject of having a Jewish character celebrate Christmas with their friends… look I don’t like this trope. There are many Jewish people, who are completely secular, who don’t celebrate Christmas, because it is explicitly a Christian holiday, and secular Jewish people are still Jewish. Some Jewish people (secular or otherwise) do choose to celebrate other holidays, and I am very comfortable with those folks telling their own stories. What I’m not happy with is the push from outside of the community for every Jewish character to slide into assimilation. 

Some Jewish people will go to Christmas parties and not eat the food, because they keep kosher, or won’t stay for a tree-lighting, because that feels like it goes too far, or will give presents but not receive them. There are a huge number of ways we might handle Christmas, and I appreciate that you plan to show holidays other than just Chanukah (and yes, it’s fine for non-Jewish characters to join her in her holidays, if she invites them), but I always question why a non-Jewish writer is so keen to show Jewish characters celebrating Christmas. The most generous version of me wants to assume that you get so much out of Christmas that you want to share it, but the part of me that knows about the pressures to assimilate, and the history of increased antisemitic violence around Christmas thinks… just leave this kid alone. She missed her celebration, she’s far from her community, and now she has to go put on a Happy Assimilated Smile for the culturally Christian folks around her. From a nonbinary Jewish perspective, it’s a little unusual for your nonbinary character to use she/her pronouns, and use b'nei mitzvah as a gender neutral alternative to the gendered bat mitzvah. In secular life, at least in the US, it’s not uncommon for people to use multiple pronouns, but I haven’t met, or even heard of, a single person using gendered pronouns secularly, and using new neutral alternatives religiously. It absolutely could happen but, because it is so unusual, to me it reads as either invalidating the character’s gender, or tokenizing her in the religious sphere. 

–Dierdra 

Shira, I think that’s a really good idea to make the character post-b'nei mitzvah. That way you just have a Jewish character having adventures rather than her culture being The Conflict. (And also, a pre-b'nei mitzvah seems a bit young for this storyline? Can she really consent to fighting alongside the rebels? Do they habitually take unaccompanied children on their ship? To me a teenager would make more sense, but hey it’s not my story!)

Dierdra, your answer regarding the Christmas aspect was awesome and really thorough. Thanks for your thoughts on the pronouns as well, it also jarred with me but I was waiting to hear your opinion as you have lived experience. My worry is if you use gender neutral terms for one but not the other, you risk falling into to the stereotype that only marginalised religious folks have to change our language etc to be inclusive to LGBTQ+ people, but everyone else is fine. 

I wanted to come back to the point about Rosh Hashana. First of all, thank you for acknowledging that we have holidays that are more important than Chanukah! Sooo many OP’s don’t know that. In terms of how she would celebrate it, I agree it’s fine to invite non-Jewish people along. However, given how community-based Jewish life is, making her keep Yom Tov on her own feels a bit like a torture story, especially when others have people to celebrate Christmas with. I wonder if you’ve thought about giving her a Jewish friend on the ship? Especially if you want her Jewishness to be part of her growth as you mentioned, an older Jewish friend and mentor could be a huge help :)

–Shoshi

As you can see, we have a wide range of possibilities for “what happens when you ask a Jewish person about celebrating Christmas.” I didn’t mind hanging around it as an outsider myself until a certain subset of Christians started being mean-spirited about it in the news plus some personal trauma that time of year, as long as everyone involved was clear that I was just participating from the outside and this didn’t somehow change me. (If I may make an analogy: compare it to going to a baby shower when you want to support your friend or family member but also really don’t want kids of your own. You’re going to have a whole different experience if your decision is respected vs. if all the other guests treat you like you being there means you’ll change your mind about not wanting kids.)

That being said, it’s still all over the map. Some people IRL are okay even going to mass with their partner’s Catholic family (without participating in communion obvs.) Some would never, ever do that and are sitting here with shocked faces that I even typed that. But what becomes important is the way it’s written. Sitting around listening to the Christmas story is probably a bad fit for your fanfic, but helping other people bake Christmas cookies or put ornaments on a tree could work. The ornament thing could remind her of decorating a sukkah, and she could point that out to the others. 

I guess I’m saying is 

keep her participation secular, and 

keep her participation from leaning into the idea that we’re unhappy with our customs and would prefer to do it their way. 

I have literally never in my life felt jealous of the kids who “got to do Santa” (for example) and while I’m sure some kids were and they’re valid too, I think it’s important to show that it’s not a universal phenomenon.

–Shira

[mdelpin]

The Red Dragon (Chapter 31)

AO3 | FF.Net | Tumblr: Ch1 | Ch30

Chapter 31

Soulmates have existed for as long as any dragon can remember, it’s one of the first things they teach us as whelps, and many dragons seem to have one. However, there is little recorded information on how they came to be or what the effects of soul bonds are on mated pairs.

“Tell me about it,” Atlas grumbled. For all the scrolls he’d pored over, there was little useful information. He continued reading, hoping that this journal he’d found, written by a dragon named Alienòr, whose scrolls he vaguely remembered reading, would end up being useful.

Not having a soulmate of my own, I became increasingly interested in this topic, curious to understand if there was something I was missing. After spending several centuries observing as many mated pairs as I could find, I have come to the following conclusions on this topic.

Although I came no closer to determining how this bond comes about, I determined that there are several stages involved in reaching a successful mating:

I call the first stage awareness - Many mated dragons described sudden knowledge that their soul mate had come into existence. They did not know who it was or where they might be, but they were full of certainty that they had entered the world.

The second stage is pull - Years after they achieve awareness, the dragons will inevitably meet; they will experience a sort of pulling sensation that will guide them to their mate. One fire dragon I talked to described a pull so strong it drove him to fly one thousand miles to a place he was unfamiliar with, only to find his mate living in a cave there.

The next stage is recognition - Mates will immediately recognize each other once they are in each other’s presence, regardless of age or gender. It is more common for this to happen after the onset of puberty, but I also witnessed it in younger dragons. The relationship remains platonic until both dragons have reached sexual maturity.

Atlas stopped his reading to think about how that applied to what he knew of Natsu and Igneel’s situations. Why had they ended up near this tiny village? Had it been arbitrary, or was Igneel drawn here? He couldn’t be sure. Igneel had been acting strangely at the time, but they’d both been under a lot of stress.

Natsu, however, had described a scent that guided him to fly to where Gray was. Atlas remembered Igneel’s insistence that Natsu did not need to go off searching for Gray as he would make his way to Natsu on his own. That sounded like the pull Alienòr had described.

He also knew that both Natsu and Igneel had immediately recognized Gray and Porlyusica as their soulmates. So far, their experiences matched up to what the journal described.

Once mates have recognized each other, a sort of courting process begins, which seems to vary both in time and method from race to race, although the overall goal to impress the other remains the same.

Fire dragons, for example, use involved flying acrobatics to impress their mate. I have added an extensive list of some feats I witnessed in my notes.

The dragons offer tokens to each other when they are ready to mate. The mating act itself seems to be what causes the souls to rejoin.

Although soul bonds are not sentient, they behave in a way that suggests specific aims.

The bonds seek to have mates coexist in each incarnation for as long as possible. This phenomenon is most noticeable when the mates are from different races. As an example, I observed a mated pair comprising an Earth dragon and a Sky dragon. The Sky dragon was the elder of the two by about two hundred years.

I have known Earth dragons to live upwards of fifteen hundred years, whereas a Sky dragon’s lifespan is around six hundred years. However, this Sky dragon lived to the unlikely age of close to a thousand years, while the Earth dragon died at eight hundred.

I have listed additional examples in my investigation notes, but this pattern was consistent across mixed-race soulmates.

“Where the hell are these notes he keeps talking about?” Atlas muttered to himself. He couldn’t recall having ever come across them, and it sounded like they had information he might find useful. Looking down at the mess of scrolls and books that took up almost every inch of his room, he sighed, knowing finding them was unlikely.

With natural death, mated dragons with longer life expectancies died earlier than was usual, while dragons with shorter life expectancies saw their lives extended.

When a mate’s death is precipitated by anything other than natural causes, there is a powerful urge for the surviving mate to take their own life. This urge can be surpassed, but it is rare to see the dragon reach full maturity. It is my opinion that there is some outside force working away at their life force so the cycle can begin anew.

Side effects/ Abilities of the soul bond

Although there doesn’t seem to be one unified experience, there are certain phenomena that are oft-repeated:

Mates have limited telepathy with each other; however, they cannot intrude on each other’s thoughts. This ability can improve with practice.

Heightened senses let them detect each other’s location.

Lying or acting in any way that will upset their mate will cause acute anxiety and inner conflict.

Mates cannot consciously hurt each other.

Have an open mental connection often described as a continuous background hum, allowing them to recognize any significant shift in emotions or pain levels

Based on these observations, I have devised spells that will grant me the ability to examine souls. I hope that reviewing what differences might exist between the souls of dragons with soulmates and those without will give me new insight. I’m also quite curious to learn if there is any way to study the soul bonds directly.

Atlas turned to the next page excitedly, wanting to read any results or conclusions Alienòr might have reached, but to his dismay, there was nothing but empty pages.

“Damn it!”

He slammed the journal on his worktable in frustration. Atlas knew he recognized the dragon’s name, but he couldn’t remember which of his scrolls he might have read. With no other alternative left, he began sorting through the mess, trying to locate Alienòr’s work.

0-0

Gray had informed Atlas and Igneel of his decision as soon as he’d returned from his trip with Lyon. Igneel had acted pleased while Atlas had disappeared to his room in a foul temper, claiming he needed to work on the spell. He only came out to eat and to spend time with Igneel.

Gray had left them to their preparations while he focused on training, applying himself with the same dedication he’d had when learning Ice Make magic from Ur all those years ago. He practiced his astral projection for hours at a time until he felt comfortable leaving his room and exploring the cave. Sometimes Igneel joined him, and they’d chat about Natsu, which only bolstered his determination to work hard. During those moments, Gray could tell that Igneel seemed sad about something, but he followed Lyon’s advice and didn’t let it worry him.

“I think you’ve got the hang of this now, how about we try something new?” Igneel asked, appearing in Gray’s room just as he was getting ready to move around.

“Sure, what did you have in mind?”

“I thought you could try to use your magic.”

“I can use my magic like this?”

“Of course. Your magic is a part of you, you might as well get used to wielding it.”

“Does that mean I’ve always had ice magic?” Gray puzzled. Until he’d met Ur, he’d had no sign that he had any magical power.

“Yes, it might just have taken a while to manifest while your dragon soul learned to adapt to being in a human body.”

Gray supposed that made as much sense as anything else.

“Will it be different from what I already know?”

“Why don’t you try it and see?” Igneel encouraged, watching him with great interest.

Gray thought it best to cast a spell he used often, since he was nervous about invoking his magic while in astral form.

Ice-Make: Cold Excalibur

An ice sword materialized in front of him, just as it always did, but this time it clattered uselessly to the floor when he attempted to close his fingers around it. It was only then he remembered he no longer had fingers to speak of. He’d also forgotten to account for his now larger size, so the sword looked more like a toy than a weapon.

Igneel chuckled at his horrified expression. “You might have to change how you think about it, though. Creation magic is powerful. You’ll just have to devise ways to use it that will suit your dragon body. Until then, your talons, fangs, wings, tail, and even the horns on your head are all powerful weapons you can use to great effect. As a dragon you’ll also gain a breath weapon and improved control over your element.”

Gray hadn’t even considered he might have to use his magic differently once he switched bodies, but he’d figure something out. That was the thing he’d always loved about his magic. It would never fail him as long as he could think his way through a problem.

He couldn’t contain his excitement at the thought that in a few short weeks he’d be with Natsu again. And this time he’d be the one to surprise him with a grand gesture, just like he’d always wanted. They’d be able to have the life they’d always dreamed of.

He was still nervous about how that was going to play out, though. He knew next to nothing about being a dragon.

“What’s the matter? You look worried. Are you afraid you won’t be able to do it?”

“No, it’s not that. It’s just, I don’t know the first thing about being a dragon and-”

“You’ll be fine,” Igneel assured him, “Believe it or not, a lot of it will just come to you by instinct. I have to say, I’m a little curious though. It’s obvious you’re some sort of ice dragon, but you don’t look like any I’ve ever seen.”

“I don’t?” Gray frowned, not understanding what Igneel meant until he remembered the last dragon that had attacked Talos. It had been an ice dragon, and it’d been white and smaller than Natsu.

“No. All the ice dragons I’ve encountered have had white, light blue or silver scales, and they were on the smaller side. They looked nothing like you.” Igneel said, pointing at Gray’s navy blue fur and larger size.

Gray was a little disappointed, Natsu had found ice dragons pretty, and he’d been looking forward to his reaction when he realized his mate had turned into one. Then again, he had a feeling that would be the last thing on Natsu’s mind when he saw him

.

“So how do I use my breath weapon?”

“Can you feel your magic inside you?”

Gray nodded, it didn’t feel any different than usual.

“If you’re used to creating things with your ice, you probably let out your magic in even spurts. Am I right?”

“Yeah, I don’t really need to use a lot at once unless I’m molding something large,” Gray agreed.

“Breath weapons are very effective, but they take a bit of time to charge up. That’s why you need to learn how to use other parts of your body to fight while that happens. Now, I want you to collect as much magic as you feel comfortable with, and then I want you to let it out all at once through your mouth. You can’t hurt anything here, so aim wherever you want.”

“Okay.” Gray closed his eyes to settle his nerves and began calling on his magic, letting it collect until he didn’t feel like he could hold it in anymore. It felt like a tremendous amount, even though it was only a fraction of what was available to him. He released it all at once, feeling as it traveled through his lungs, up his long neck and out through his mouth.

Considering what he’d seen of Natsu’s breath attack, even in his human form, he’d expected to see a large cone of ice spewing out from his mouth. However, no ice had come out at all, even though he’d felt something. It took him a moment to notice a sort of fog surrounding him.

“Well, that was pretty pitiful,” Atlas snorted from behind him, “What’s the matter, forget how to make ice?”

Gray startled at Atlas’ voice and instantly felt something shift in his magic. He didn’t quite understand it, but he noticed the mist had gotten thicker.

“What the hell?” Atlas sounded puzzled, and he stared at Gray, eyes narrowing as his brow furrowed.

“Is there a reason you're gracing us with your presence?”

“Look at his side,” Atlas urged Igneel, who only shrugged.

“I don’t see anything.”

“It’s not doing it on that side too?”

“Doing what? What are you talking ab-,” Igneel moved to stand beside Atlas, peering through the mist to get a look at Gray’s side.

“What is that?”

“No idea, I’ve seen nothing like that before. Did that mist get thicker when it started?”

“Could be. Are those markings?” Igneel muttered, “Do you think they mean anything?”

“Maybe? Maybe some kind of mutation,” Atlas suggested, “or he could be some special type of ice dragon? Might explain why he looks different.”

“I don’t understand, why didn’t any ice come out? My ice make worked just fine,” Gray interrupted the two brothers before they got involved in one of their discussions.

He didn’t get why they were so worked up about the inky tendrils that had appeared on his forearm and shoulder. Frankly, he was more concerned with his magic not working the way he’d expected.

He didn’t really get why they were so worked up about the inky tendrils that had appeared on his forearm and shoulder. Frankly, he was more concerned with his magic not working the way he’d expected.

“I don’t know,” Igneel admi, d, “but it’s the first time you tried to use your breath weapon, it could be you just need practice.”

“I guess,” Gray said, feeling disappointed. It had felt like he’d done everything right.

“Don’t beat yourself up,” Atlas said, “the astral realm doesn’t work the same way as what you’re used to. Things here work off two things: intent and instinct. You followed your instinct, but since you don’t know what to expect, it would make it difficult to visualize the outcome well enough to materialize it here. I’m sure that will change after-”

“So what did you come here to tell us?” Igneel changed the subject abruptly.

“I’m taking off for a while. I found something I think might be helpful, but it’s incomplete. Maybe the rest of it is still in Desierto.”

“It’s a waste of time, we have everything we need here,” Igneel argued.

“No. We don’t,” Atlas growled, “I’ll be back in a week. You should do some research on those markings while I’m gone, it could be something. Odds are if we haven’t come across something like that, he hasn’t either.”

The hellfire dragon disappeared from their view before Igneel could protest further, and although he still looked upset, he also seemed pensive.

“Why don’t you try one more time before we call it a day?”

Gray nodded and began collecting his magic once more.

0-0

Atlas hadn’t returned to Desierto since they’d moved to the mountains near Talos some twenty-five years earlier, but he’d lived there for almost four hundred years. He still knew just about every nook and cranny of the vast cave system they’d called home. He’d first explored it as a whelp along with Igneel, Deliora and several of the other dragons they’d grown up with.

It was also the place where he’d first discovered his love of magic, something his parents had quickly recognized and done their best to encourage, despite him being a hellfire dragon and unlikely to progress very far. It had taken him decades to see any development, but once he had he’d never looked back, learning more and more until it seemed like there was no problem he couldn’t solve with magic.

Atlas had told Igneel he’d only be gone a week, and it had taken him two days of swift flying to get here. That left him with about two days to search and one day to rest before embarking on the flight home.

Atlas knew Igneel had probably been right in saying this was a fool’s errand, but if he could somehow keep his brother from having to give up his life to do this for Natsu, it would be worth it.

Familiar scents greeted him as he stood inside the main entrance, filling him with a profound sadness. A lot of those dragons had passed away during the war, and would hopefully be reborn soon. But some hadn’t been as lucky. For those, the only remaining trace of their existence lived inside Acnologia.

It grieved Atlas to think of how many soulmate pairs the renegade had destroyed with that soul reaping spell of his. He wished they’d realized how dangerous Acnologia was earlier. They might have had a chance then, before he’d collected so many types of magic and become so unpredictable. It would have saved them a lot of heartache. Sadly, there was no magic that could turn back time, and it was something he had very little of at the moment.

Where should he look first? The old library seemed the most likely place to start, but he’d supervised its relocation himself, so it was unlikely anything of import would still be there. Alienòr was a name he’d vaguely recognized, so he’d likely died before Atlas had been born, as he’d apprenticed under all the red dragons that had studied magic.

Atlas found his way to the old library, which as expected was empty. While debating which areas of the lair had the highest chance of gaining him results, he felt a pull and groaned, recognizing it as Natsu wanting to communicate.

What now?

He headed to his old quarters, casting a barrier spell at the entrance on the off chance there was someone else inhabiting the cave. Natsu waited for him at their usual meeting place.

The souls that visited the astral plane could shape it into whatever guise they wanted. For Igneel, that often meant a volcanic region, but for Natsu it was their mountain. He sat atop it now, staring up at the stars as he often did when he was home.

“Everything okay?”

Natsu sighed, “Yeah. We’re almost done sending the dragon slayers home. Most of them had their magic removed.”

“I see. Does that include Wendy and the others?”

“No, they all kept theirs. I had to remove Irene’s magic, though.”

Atlas couldn’t help but notice the sad expression on his nephew’s face. “Something’s bothering you. Out with it.”

“I didn’t have time to tell you last time, she began to dragonify.”

Atlas grunted his displeasure at the news. Irene was a friend. She’d fought hard for them from the very beginning, having come from Dragnof where dragons and humans had once lived in harmony.

“How bad?”

“Her face, I’m not sure where else. I removed her magic to keep it from progressing, but she-”

“Let me guess, she doesn’t want Anna or Erza to see her like that?”

“Yeah.”

“Stubborn as always, but don’t worry about it. Tell her I can help her, but only if she comes home.”

“Thanks, I was hoping you could do something.” Natsu looked relieved, but Atlas couldn’t help but notice that the underlying sadness remained.

“It’s the least we can do for her,” Atlas smiled, remembering some of Irene’s feats. “Erza’s the one that used to beat you up when you were a kid, right?”

Natsu nodded, his eyes soon returning to the night sky. “How’s Gray doing?”

“About how you’d expect, he mopes around without you and complains about the heat.”

Natsu chuckled, but soon turned quiet again. His tail twitched behind him, giving away his agitation.

“Seriously, kid, what’s eating you?”

“Sting and Rogue are coming home.”

“And you don’t want them to?” Atlas wondered out loud.

“I don’t know. Talos is their home, even more than it’s mine. It’s just—I’m worried,” Natsu said, “You know what? Nevermind, it’s stupid.”

“I don’t follow. Is it because you’re still angry?” Atlas pressed.

“No, I mean I am, but that’s not really it.”

“Then, why don’t you tell me what it is you’re worried about?”

“It’s just—things between me and Gray are hard enough now. He goes off to work every day, and I do my King thing. Neither one of us fits into the other’s world. Not as things are. And I know he says he’s happy, but he’s my mate. I can feel his sadness.”

Natsu teared up. “How’s he going to feel when he’s confronted with Sting and Rogue? When he sees them having what we once had, but never can again. Is it going to destroy what we do have? Is he going to resent me?”

“Why not go somewhere else then?”

“I can’t take Gray away from his brother and his friends, that wouldn’t be fair. And where would we go, anyway? I can’t take him to Drak Aast, not after I agreed to remove all humans from the island.”

“Ugh, this whole thing sucks!” Natsu roared out his frustration. “This is exactly why I wanted to set him free.”

“You know that wouldn't have changed anything. From what Igneel tells me, Gray would be a lot more miserable without you, and I think he’s right. Think of how far that boy came to be with you. I think you should have more faith in him.”

“Yeah, you’re right. I guess I’m just scared. Now that he’s been living with us—I don’t want to go back to the way it was before.”

“Things will work out somehow, I’m sure of it.” Atlas nuzzled his nephew’s cheek, wanting to offer him some comfort from his gloomy thoughts.

“Thanks. I should go, there are still a lot of things I need to do before I go.”

“Sure. When will you be home?” Atlas asked, trying to appear uninterested in the response.

“One week’s time. At least it was a brief trip, huh?”

“Yeah, we can talk more when you get home.”

Natsu grunted his agreement, “Bye, Atlas.”

And just like that he was gone, and the mountain along with him. Atlas’ soul returned to his body, and he was once again in his old bedroom. He paced the large room, cursing this newest problem.

Atlas wanted to tell Natsu the truth. He thought Igneel’s plan was unnecessarily cruel, but he supposed it would be even crueller to make Natsu choose between his father and his fondest wish.

Natsu was coming home in one week. If Atlas didn’t return right away, they might not have enough time to perform the spell before Natsu arrived with the dragon slayers.

But he hadn’t even searched yet.

Natsu doesn’t need me anymore, but he needs Gray. This current arrangement they have, you know it’s hurting them both.

Igneel’s words haunted him. Damn it, why did he always have to be right? It pissed him off.

And how the hell could his brother expect him to let go of him so easily? The only time they’d been apart since they’d hatched was when Igneel had lived in Talos with Porlyusica, and even then they’d seen each other regularly.

Igneel was more than his brother, he was his best friend. Atlas had never needed anyone else. He’d come to Desierto in search of a miracle, desperate to find anything that would keep him from having to let go, but…

Igneel had long ago made his peace with his sacrifice. Atlas was being selfish, and no matter how much Igneel’s decision hurt him, it wasn't his choice to make. And Natsu had unwittingly confirmed why it was so important.

After everything Natsu had done for them, didn’t he deserve to live the life they’d always promised him? Especially when Gray was willing to trade everything he was on the off chance they could manage it.

Atlas could spend days here, but he knew he was unlikely to find anything that would help. They had moved everything of importance twenty-five years ago. Even if he found those notes, they might not help him at all. And then he’d have missed his last days with Igneel for nothing.

He’d always bet on magic to solve all his problems, and maybe with enough time it could. But he knew he had to follow his heart this time, or he’d regret it for the rest of his life.

He would head home in the morning, but first he needed to rest.

0-0

Gray raced down the mountain path, making his way towards the lake where he knew he’d find Lyon and Erza. They went there every day to watch the sunset before heading home to get dinner started.

Natsu and Happy would be home in four days, but for once that wasn’t the reason he was so excited. Atlas had told them the dragon slayers would come with them. All of them.

He wasn’t sure how he felt about Sting and Rogue’s return, but he also knew it wouldn’t be an issue. By the time they arrived, he’d more than likely be a dragon. If that were the case, it would be a lot easier to forgive them for what had happened.

Gray ran past the field and through town, waving at the people that greeted him along the way. He didn’t stop until he saw Lyon and Erza standing by the shore. It took him several minutes to catch his breath and by that point his friends had already noticed him and were watching him with concern.

“Is something wrong?” Erza asked, and he wanted to laugh because it was just the opposite but held it in to avoid choking and really worrying her. Instead, he raised his hand at her and gestured for her to wait.

“They dragon slayers are coming home,” Gray finally managed to get out in between pants. He peered at Erza with a big smile and added, “All of them. Natsu got in touch with Atlas and told him, they’ll be here in four days.”

“My mother?” Erza breathed, tears welling in her eyes. “She’s coming home?”

Gray could only grin at her as she tackled him so hard they both fell on the ground.

Lyon helped them up, laughing at Erza’s embarrassed expression as he wrapped her up in a hug. “That’s amazing! She’s finally coming home, I’m so happy for you.”

Gray couldn’t resist teasing his brother, “You’re going to get to meet your mother-in-law, I sure hope she likes you.”

Lyon glared at him, but Erza was quick to shut Gray down, “Nonsense! Of course she’ll love him. How could she not?”

Gray could think of a few reasons, but he kept them all to himself because Erza turned to smile at him then and she looked so radiant it took his breath away, the setting sun no match for her beauty.

“Why am I standing here? I have to tell Anna!” Erza glanced over at Lyon, “Do you want to come?”

“I’ll stay with Gray, there’s something I want to talk to him about, and I imagine Anna would rather hear the news in private. Take your time, I know the two of you will have a lot to talk about.”

Erza waved at them and then ran in the orphanages’ direction.

“It’s nice to see her so happy,” Lyon commented, as he watched her retreating figure. “She’s waited for that for so long.”

“Yeah, she certainly has.”

“So, what does this mean for you? You’d said you needed to do your thing before Natsu returned.”

“I’m handing in my resignation tomorrow morning, so I guess I’ll say my goodbyes then. We’re planning on doing the spell the day before Natsu arrives to give me some time to get used to—uh, everything I guess. Not sure what will happen after he gets back.”

“Have you thought about what you’re going to tell people?”

Gray hadn’t given it any thought. “Why would anyone care?”

“Because you’ve been a guard for a very long time?”

Gray shrugged, “I dunno, I guess I’ll say my husband and I are moving away somewhere.”

“As crazy as it sounds, I’m so proud of you. I’m sorry I gave you a hard time on that trip. I just—”

“I know. You were trying to look out for me, I’m glad I stuck it out though.”

Lyon squeezed his shoulder, “I am too. I know it wasn't easy, but now that you’re about to get what you’ve always wanted, I couldn’t be happier.”

He suddenly laughed, “You know, I never thanked you for nagging me to move here. And I’m glad everyone is coming home, it hasn’t been the same without them.”

Gray smirked, “Maybe you can take down Wendy someday... but I doubt it.”

“You promised you’d never bring that up again,” Lyon whined, much to Gray’s delight.

“They’re going to be different,” Gray warned, thinking of the things Natsu had told him.

“I know, but we can still be here for them.”

“You’ve grown up a lot.”

“I had an outstanding teacher,” Lyon remarked, playfully punching Gray’s shoulder.

“Have you told Erza about the spell?”

“No, I didn’t

know what to say, and I kind of thought you’d like to tell her.” Lyon snapped his fingers, “Don’t forget you promised me a ride!”

“Sure, sure. You’ll probably crap your pants,” Gray snorted, but Lyon’s words served as a pleasant reminder that his brother loved him no matter what.

“Hey, do you remember that time we iced Sting’s locker?” Lyon giggled.

“His face!” Gray roared, laughing at the memory. “And then Natsu refused to help him melt it, so Rogue had to phase into it and get everything out for him so he wouldn’t be late for his shift.”

They sat down to watch the sunset together, laughing as they looked back on the good memories they had made during their earlier years in Talos.

0-0

“Do you have a minute?”

Gray looked up from the sketch he was working on before going to bed to find Igneel standing at the room’s entrance.

“Yes, of course,” Gray put his pencil down and gestured for Igneel to come inside, curious what his father-in-law wanted to talk to him about.

Igneel ambled in, “I just wanted to let you know Natsu got in touch with us a few minutes ago. They’ve just left.”

Gray tensed up at the news. It thrilled him that Natsu was coming home sooner than expected, but it also reminded him how little time they had left.

Igneel glanced around the room, his eyes coming to rest on the piece of paper Gray had been working on, “I didn’t know you drew. Is that Natsu?”

“Yeah, it is.” Gray scratched the back of his neck, feeling self-conscious. He’d only ever let Natsu and Lyon see his drawings. “It’s not something I do often, just when I’m anxious, I guess. Keeps me from getting inside my head too much.”

Igneel nodded in understanding, “I suppose that would be magic for me. Speaking of which, I’m sorry to say we’ve yet to find any information on those markings of yours, but we’ll keep looking.”

“I still don’t get why you guys are so excited about that.”

“Well, it’s because it has the potential to be a weapon against Acnologia. We don’t understand much about how his magic works, but he has one spell that allows him to reap a portion of a dragon’s soul. When successful, he links the soul to his magic and gains a certain resistance or immunity to that magic.”

“That happened to you, didn’t it?”

“Yes, along with many other dragons. It’s why he’s so hard to kill, he’s made it so our magic is useless against him. But if we could find something he’s never encountered before,” Igneel shrugged, “who knows?”

“I doubt that mist would do much of anything against him,” Gray muttered.

Igneel chuckled at him. “Don’t sell yourself short, we don’t know what it can do yet. I’m sure Atlas will figure it out once you can wield it. It will be an excellent distraction for him.”

Gray stopped to wonder what it would be a distraction from, but the sheer panic at having to fight Acnologia someday soon replaced it.

“I’m going to fight that thing?”

“It’s possible. Does that scare you?”

“Well yeah, he held his own against all of you, and you knew what you were doing.”

“There’s something I told Natsu a long time ago. It’s likely the most important thing I ever taught him, and I’m going to share it with you as well.” Igneel disclosed.

“Regardless of who you’re fighting, the critical thing in any battle is to keep a level head. You have plenty of weapons at your disposal, but your mind is the most important one. If you let yourself panic, then you’ve already lost. I think as a creation mage, this is especially relevant to you.”

Gray nodded, understanding the truth in those words. He only hoped he’d remember them when the time came. He was aware of how terrifying Acnologia was. Then again, the next time they met things would be different. He’d no longer be a human, and Natsu would be right by his side. Not to mention, Gray had a score to settle with him, for hurting Natsu the way he had, and for taking away the life they’d just begun.

He did, however, want to change the subject to something more pleasant, especially with Natsu on the way home and the possibility of danger never far from his mind.

“Do you think you could teach me how to fly once I’ve changed? I’d like to surprise Natsu and I’m not sure I could survive Atlas teaching me anything else,” Gray implored, recalling how miserable he’d been when the hellfire dragon had taught him how to astral project.

“You don’t think you being a dragon will be enough of a surprise?” Igneel joked, but his laughter sounded hollow, and Gray couldn’t help but notice Igneel had averted his eyes.

“Igneel?”

The fire dragon stared at the ground, remaining silent long enough to make Gray feel uneasy.

“I haven’t been entirely truthful with you,” Igneel admitted, looking up at Gray at last.

“What do you mean?” It amazed Gray how calm he sounded, because inside he was anything but. He’d known from the beginning that Igneel was keeping something from him, and as much as he wanted to know what it was, he’d also been dreading it.

“I’m afraid I won’t be here after you’ve changed.”

“Won't be here?” Gray repeated, “I don’t understand.”

“What we’re trying to do, frankly, it’s never been attempted before. I’m not sure anyone but Atlas could manage it, and it would never work if you didn’t possess a dragon soul.”

“How to explain it?” Igneel’s talons tapped the cave floor as he thought.

“Energy can’t be created, it can only transform from one form to another. And it will take a lot of energy to create the body that matches your soul. To accomplish this, Atlas will have to deconstruct both our bodies and transform the released energy into your new body.” Igneel explained, gauging Gray’s reaction before continuing.

“However, despite having a dragon soul, your current lifespan is still that of a human. So the second part of the puzzle was, how can we prolong that to closer match Natsu’s? There’s only one solution. I will merge my remaining life force with yours. From what Atlas discovered in his research, your soul bond should take care of the rest.”

“Are you saying in order for me to become a dragon, you have to... die?” Gray balked at the thought.

“Gray—”

“No!” Gray stood up from his chair, moving to bridge the distance between them. “How can you talk about this like it’s nothing? Do you have any idea what your death would do to Natsu? Because I do. I’ve lived it.”

It scared him to think of how Natsu had acted after that nightmare, and back then he hadn't even known for a fact if Igneel was dead.

“Gray—”

“How can you ask this of me? I’ve already put him through so much, I can’t be the one responsible for taking you away. Can’t you see that? And how the hell is Atlas—”

“GRAY!” Igneel roared, cutting off the rest of his protests.

“I understand how you feel, but I assure you I didn’t decide this lightly. And I do know what it will do to him. But I also know that Natsu is strong. Losing me will make him sad, but it won’t destroy him. Losing you, however, is a different matter.”

“But your soul,” Gray objected, trying to think of anything that might change the dragon’s mind. “Natsu told me if you died before Acnologia you wouldn’t be able to—”

“I appreciate your concern,” Igneel frowned, “but any doubts I may have had were gone the moment I realized your magic might be what we need to defeat that abomination.”

“But we know nothing about it!”

“It’s still the only lead we have. I’ve had a wonderful life, Gray. Full of love and magic. It’s all I ever wished for. So please, don’t change your mind now. I know it’s asking a lot, but let me do this for the two of you. I want to.”

This was insanity. There was no way he could be a part of this. Natsu would never forgive him. Not in a million years. Gray felt the room closing in around him as everything fell apart.

“I can’t—,” He didn’t know what it was he couldn’t do, breathe, go through with the spell, understand what was happening? It felt like all of them at once.

“Just think about it, okay?” Igneel pleaded.

“I have to go.”

Gray turned around and ran out of the cave, not at all sure what he was running away from but needing to breathe some fresh air, heat wave be damned. He headed down to the lake again, knowing it would be cooler near the water. Maybe he’d go for a swim. He needed to think, and it was late enough he didn’t expect to see anyone.

He stripped before wading into the water, letting himself float while looking up at the night sky. The stars shone brilliantly, reminding him of all the nights he’d spent at the top of the mountain with Fukou.

What was he supposed to do?

According to Lyon, he wasn’t responsible for the choices of others, but surely there had to be a limit to that. Going through with their plan meant Igneel would die.

But Igneel said it was something he wanted, and Atlas wasn’t trying to stop him anymore.

If he went through with it, would Natsu hate him for taking his father away?

If he didn’t would he regret it when he died and Natsu had to continue living alone because of the promise he made?

Back and forth Gray went, getting no closer to an answer he could live with. If only he could talk to Natsu to get a feel for what he’d want him to do. That was what he hated the most out of all this. This decision affected both their lives, yet he needed to make it on his own.

Why couldn’t they just wait until Natsu returned?

“Gray?”

He forced himself back to the present, glancing at the shore and finding Juvia peering at him with a concerned expression. How long had she been calling for him?

He didn’t feel like talking to anyone at the moment, but he also didn’t want to be rude.

“Yeah, it’s me,” he said, standing up in the water and walking towards the shore. “No need to make that face, I just felt like cooling down.”

“Oh,” She didn’t look very convinced, but she didn’t call him on it and she perked up when she saw he was walking over.

“Juvia is glad to run into Gray. Juvia was afraid she wouldn’t get to say goodbye when she missed the meeting.” She sat down on the sand, delicately arranging her skirt around her.

“Well, Natsu won’t be back for another two days. I’m not sure when we’re leaving,” Gray said, grabbing his clothes and putting them on before sitting next to her.

If at all.

“Juvia also heard congratulations are in order.”

“Congratulations?”

“Gray married Natsu,” She blushed prettily.

“Oh that,” Gray had forgotten he’d announced it at the meeting, “uhm thanks.”

“Lyon said Gray had been in love with Natsu since he was very young. And when Natsu went off to fight in the war, Gray wore his scarf and waited for him to return for so very long, never giving his heart to anyone else.”

“Gray is so very romantic!” Juvia cooed.

“He didn’t say this in front of anyone else, did he?” Gray groaned at the thought.

“No,” Juvia giggled, “Only Juvia. Lyon is proud of Gray. Juvia thinks he’s a bit of a romantic too.”

“He’s something, alright,” Gray laughed along with her. “How about you? How’s the mysterious boyfriend?”

“Juvia is on her way to see Logan. He lives on the other side of the lake,” Juvia smiled, her eyes shining as she looked across the water.

“I’m glad you found someone who makes you happy.”

“Juvia is too, it’s much nicer when the other person likes you too.”

“Juvia... I’m sorry—”

“No, no!” Juvia raised her hands in protest. “Juvia didn’t mean it like that!”

“Juvia had no one to teach her how to use her magic. So Juvia made it rain all the time, and it drove people away. Juvia was always lonely. Then Gray defended Juvia, and Juvia wanted to believe it was because Gray loved her.”

“So Juvia forced her feelings on Gray and drove him away too. Anna helped Juvia understand that was not what love was. Then Juvia met Logan, and he was very interested in Juvia and Juvia’s friends.”

“Oh, have the others met him?”

Gray couldn’t recall hearing anything about it, but that wasn’t all that unusual. He didn’t precisely socialize with anyone outside of Lyon and Erza, and his problems had distracted him from everything else.

“No, Logan doesn’t enjoy crossing the lake, but he cares about Juvia. Logan asks about Juvia’s day and about her friends. And now, Juvia is happy. She would do anything to be with Logan.”

Gray blinked at her, knowing those words sounded familiar. It didn’t take him long to remember why. He didn’t need to guess Natsu’s answer, because he’d already given it to him when they had been trying to find their way back to each other.

If there were any way to change what I am, I’d do it in a second. I’d do anything to be with you…

There might not be a way to change what Natsu was, but Atlas and Igneel had given Gray the opportunity to do just that, and he’d come so close to throwing it away. While he still didn’t feel right about Igneel’s sacrifice, he would accept it. After all, hadn’t his own parents given up their lives for him?

“Thank you!” Gray wrapped Juvia up in a quick hug, flustering her even as she looked confused by his outburst. “I have to go!”

He scrambled to his feet and ran back home to tell Igneel what he’d decided.

Juvia watched him leave in stunned silence. Gray had been the first man Juvia had ever loved, even if he’d never returned her feelings. And he’d also been the first person to show her any kindness. She would always remember him fondly.

She waited until she couldn’t see him anymore and then turned to the water and waded in. Once the water reached her neck, she switched to her water body and swam across the lake, her mind filled with her upcoming rendezvous.

It didn't take her long to reach their meeting spot. Juvia dispelled her water body, her clothes already dry by the time she reached her lover.

“You’re late,” Logan snapped.

“Logan waited for Juvia!” Juvia ignored his rebuke. She walked up to her boyfriend and grabbed his one hand in both of hers and smiled up at him. “Juvia is sorry for being late. Juvia ran into one of her friends on the way.”

“It’s alright,” Logan drew in a long breath before returning her smile. “I was just worried about you.”

“What should we do tonight? Shall we go to Logan’s house? Juvia can make some food if Logan is hungry.”

“It’s such a pretty night, why don’t we go for a walk?” Logan offered, leading Juvia towards the forest once she agreed.

The blue tattoos that ran down Logan’s arm gleamed in the moonlight, contrasting with the dark skin that Juvia had always considered exotic. She stared at them briefly, once again wondering what they meant. She’d asked him one time, but he’d changed the subject.

Gray had referred to Logan as mysterious, and Juvia had to admit he wasn’t wrong. She knew little about him, even after months of seeing each other. Whenever she asked him questions about his past, Logan somehow turned the conversation back to her.

“So which of your friends did you run into?”

“Oh, it was Gray,” Juvia replied, her attention on a flower that only bloomed at night.

“Wasn’t he the ice mage that was injured during the dragon attack?” Logan’s tone was casual, but his hand squeezed Juvia’s tighter than usual.

Juvia frowned. She’d been about to complain when he relaxed his grip, flashing her an apologetic smile.

“Sorry darling, you know how just the thought of dragons gets me all worked up.”

“It’s alright,” Juvia assured him, “It’s not something Juvia likes to talk about either, but yes, that was Gray.”

“And how is dear Gray doing these days?” Logan let go of her hand, picking the flower Juvia had been admiring and placing it in her hair.

“Wonderful!” Juvia blushed at his attention, her hand moving up to her hair to touch the flower. “Gray’s husband is coming home at last, and they’ll be moving away soon.”

“Who is his husband again?”

“Juvia has never met Natsu, he’s one of the dragon slayers that left to fight in the war.”

“Natsu,” Logan’s voice dripped with a venom Juvia had never heard him use before, “I sure hope he gets the welcome he deserves.”

“Logan?”

A/N: One chapter to go! I'm so excited and I do plan on continuing through to the end. Next chapter will feature some guest writing from my husband so expect a nice fight scene as well as a beautiful art from @khaoticvex​! As the song that makes me think of the next chapter goes... It's been a long time comin'

[persephonescat]

Birds and Other Supernatural Phenomenons

Okay, so the first two chapters turned out to be a little dry, but I have big hopes for the third one, so... hang on there! Yes, I know the first few paragraphs are flat, I tried to make them better, and I failed miserably.

IMPORTANT: This is an AU, so things are a teeny bit different. The Francoise-Dupont is an eight-year grammar school (those are a thing in Europe, or at least in a few countries. The kids start middle school and go to the same school until high school graduation, so its both a middle school and a high school in one. Foreign languages are usually thaught there on a higher level, so that explains Marinette's and her class' language skills.)

That's it so far, most changes will be written down in the story, but keep an eye on the summaries! ;) (Even though no one reads these.)

This is also posted on my AO3 account, under the same name.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21187025/chapters/50674913

Follow #Birds and Other Supernatural Phenomenons if you don’t want to miss any of the new chapters. ;)

Ch. 1      Next    Masterpost    AO3

________________

Ch. 2: This Was a Bad Idea

Their plane didn't crash.

That was about the only good thing Marinette could think of.

It all started when she and Adrien were forced to sit next to each other during the flight. It wasn't that bad, but things have been a little... tense between them lately. Even though Marinette forgave him a long time ago, she still felt a sense of betrayal every time she had to fight an akuma alone. She knew it was wrong. She had no right to prevent others from being happy. Especially not her friends, but she couldn't help it.

So they sat next to each other, and the first half-hour was spent with Marinette awkwardly staring out of the window and playing with her braid nervously, while Adrien was pretending to read a book, - very poorly, given that he only turned the page five times in thirty minutes. Marinette was counting it.

What a pleasing situation.

Then, of course, Lila got bored of talking about her experience with planes and started throwing around phrases like 'helping defeat the Joker', 'out-riddling the Riddler' and 'knowing who Red Robin is'.

During the past two years, her lies have gotten smaller. Smarter. More innocent. They were no longer fourteen, they didn't believe anything she said, and she realized that. After Lila swore to ruin Marinette's life, Hawkmoth's attacks got stronger and Marinette got... well, older, probably. Wiser. ( Sadder. ) Sometimes she still called her out on her lies, and on a few blissful occasions, her classmates believed her. She wasn't the only one who got wiser, as it turned out. Adrien started to see the wrong in his ways not long after he told Marinette that Lila was harmless and stood up for her almost every time the Italian girl's lies got too toxic to ignore.

There was some kind of quiet compromise between her classmates. They liked Lila, even if she wasn't always "completely honest" - that was the understatement of the year -, and they all had this "proceed with care but do no harm" attitude towards the girl.

So Marinette was pretty surprised when sitting only two seats behind her, Lila once again started feeding them lies so blatant and stupid that they almost managed to make her laugh. It would've been a long and sarcastic laugh, but a laugh nevertheless.

She turned to Adrien who was looking back at her with an expression somewhere between angry and surprised. They stared at each other for a few seconds before they both started grinning uncontrollably.

Then Nino interrupted Lila by showing the group his newest playlist, and the moment was gone.

The awkward silence was threatening to drown them, but Marinette was familiar with drowning and decided she didn't like it.

"What are you pretending to read?" Adrien's ears turned red at the question but being himself, he tried to play it off cool.

" Armada  by Ernest Cline."

She raised a brow, clearly amused by that. "Since when are you into sci-fi?"

"Since it was the first thing I could grab from the bookshelf this morning," he told her with a shrug and closed the book moodily.

Marinette grimaced at him and took a small copy of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's  Sherlock Holmes out of her bag. Adrien told her to check it out a long time ago, but given her lack of free time, she's only read two stories so far.

She gave it to him without a word.

"Thanks," he said brightly, and actually started reading this time.

Marinette gave him the ghost of a smile, then pulled out her sketchbook hesitantly. She hasn't designed a decent piece of clothing in ages. One would've called it a year-long artist's block, but she preferred "idiocy". It was shorter.

She fell asleep like that, with an empty sketchbook on her lap and a pencil in her hand.

***

Their hotel was near the Gotham Academy, which was near Arkham Asylum, which sucked. Seriously, Gotham? Yeah, let's put the kids next to the murderous psychopaths.

Once they arrived, it was already well past nine PM, so they were sent to their rooms to sleep. They had three rooms for the girls, two with four beds and one with two. Luckily, Marinette managed to occupy the double-room all to herself - Mylene, Chloe, Juleka, and Alix got a room together, and Alya, Rose, Lila, and Sabrina got the other-, so it was pretty easy to sneak out after she realized there was no way for her to stay still after sleeping on the plane.

Being inside past ten o'clock felt weird. She missed the patrols and the light breeze on her face while she swang around Paris, the sensation of falling freely from hundreds of meters, the calm of the environment as she made impossible leaps and jumps in a graceful rhythm.

With no better things to do, she pulled a blanket out of the closet and climbed to the roof.

That night, the sky was more blue than black, and the stars were dull from the city's polluted air. She sat there for who-knows-how-long, wrapped in a blanket, looking upwards, listening to the unfamiliar city beneath. Then she heard quiet footsteps behind her back.

Over the years, she learned the difference between the sounds of someone walking casually and someone trying to muffle their steps, just like she usually knew what kind of shoes they wore, their gender, and approximate height too. These were the steps of a thin man, probably young in leatherette boots, trying to sneak up on her and failing miserably. She let him come close and didn't bother to let him know she was aware of his presence.

"What does a young lady like you do here at this time of the day?" he asked in a charming but threatening voice, and Marinette had to suppress a smile at how badly he did it. She knew she should send him away, or go back to her room before he tries something that gets him ended up on the asphalt beneath them, but she was bored, and he seemed like a very entertaining person.

Instead, she answered just tonelessly enough for it to be challenging, but innocently enough to make him question it.

"Stargazing."

The man - more like a boy - stopped just a step behind her back, unsure how to proceed. Then he let out a resigned sigh and sat down next to her, far enough to not be in stabbing range -  smart decision.

"No, seriously, it's past midnight and you're sitting on a roof, eighteen stories from the ground, in  Gotham," he said, swinging his legs over the edge of the building and looking at her with genuine concern.

Marinette finally looked at him and recognized him almost immediately. He was wearing a black hoodie and a ski mask, with jeans and dark boots.

"Oh, you're the Dark Nomad, right?" She's read about him on the plane, just like she checked out and memorized every hero and villain in Gotham. There were a few.

The Dark Nomad was one of the small, relatively harmless ones. His mother worked in the Asylum - they didn't know who she was exactly, just that she worked there -, he didn't actually do much except for exiguous vandalism, but it was enough to get him on the " List of Gotham's Villains (updated every week) " published by the city's very own newspaper, the  Gotham Gazette .

"The one and only," he saluted awkwardly.

"Then you're pretty good with psychology, right?"

He seemed a little taken back by the question.

"Yes, I mean... I guess."

Marinette turned to him with her whole body, sitting cross-legged, looking like someone who is looking forward to a great conversation. This was so much better than she thought.

"What do you think about the phenomenon where the people with higher-than-average IQ have lower-than-average EQ, but if someone has lower-than-average IQ, they most likely have average or lower-than-average EQ?"

Dark Nomad just stared at her for a moment but then decided to roll with it. It really was a good topic.

"Well, it's interesting because... it's not like you have a maximum of quotient points, and you've to live with what you have. It depends on a lot of things, and we still don't even  know  what half of those things are."

"Exactly! It could mean you need a high IQ to be able to understand and feel emotions healthily, but it's not always necessary, plus the trope of the genius robot-person is way too overused in media. That's not how smart people think!"

"Yeah, and in some cases, the low EQ could be the consequence of loneliness and isolation from a young age because of the differences in one's and the environment's thinking," Dark Nomad said, gesticulating widely.

"And by the way, EQ is pretty hard to express with numbers. If you give a test to someone, they might know what the appropriate responses to a situation are, but they might never actually... do them in practice."

Dark Nomad nodded.

"Have you read Daniel Goleman's books about emotional intelligence? It's pretty dope."

"Not yet, but I'm planning on it."

"By the way... I'm Jeremy," said the boy, sitting closer to her and reaching out for a handshake.

"Marinette," she told him with a genuine smile, accepting his hand.

________________

Comments and coffee are my life-juice, so please, share your thoughts. I'm sorry for any possible mistakes and feel free to point them out. 

Ch. 1      Next     Masterpost    AO3

[hlupdate]

Harry Styles is lucky I think he's utterly adorable. He's an hour late and I'm guilt-ridden, missing my puppy's first day at puppy school because of it.

Is this what it's like to be a working mum? Maybe. Styles would be horrified if he knew, I'm certain. He is a man of the people, a self-proclaimed feminist, who could surely sympathise with this working (dog) mum's plight.

They say never meet your heroes in case they turn out to be a disappointment, but maybe they should also say never meet your favourite pop stars in case they turn out to be truly terrible at time management.

I first met Styles alongside four of his teenage friends in 2012. It was just a few years since they'd formed One Direction on The X Factor, and this was their first world tour. They were lined up on chintzy armchairs in the private lounge of a stuffy Auckland hotel. That day, a bit like this one, I spent more time sitting in the hallway waiting for my turn than I did interviewing them.

Barely 18, Styles was clearly the charming one, the one with the floppy hair. Some of his bandmates refused to even say hello but he was warm and quick with a cheeky quip.

It suddenly made sense to me why a young girl, from deep inside the throng of screaming fans camped outside, had begged me to slip him a handwritten note simply saying, "I love you."

Those early days are a lifetime ago, and what happened next is now the stuff of legend. One Direction went on to redefine the term "boy band" for an entire generation. They made five albums in four years, won more than 200 awards, toured the world four times and were ranked as the second-highest earning celebrities in the world by Forbes in 2016, the year after the wheels famously fell off. Zayn Malik left the band in 2015 and eventually One Direction went on a break, the kind with no obvious end date.

It hasn't hurt Styles' rise to fame in the slightest. No, he is the 1D member it's cool for grown-ups to like. He's the 20-something love child of Mick Jagger, David Bowie and Stevie Nicks, pushing the envelope through perfect good pop songs and that cheeky smile.

He has dated famous women (think Kardashian-adjacent Kendall Jenner, and Taylor Swift famously wrote songs about their short-lived relationship), toured the world alone and buddied up with Anna Wintour to host the Met Gala.

Styles' first solo, self-titled album was released in 2017, he's taken up acting, appearing in Christopher Nolan's World War II epic Dunkirk, and co-written songs for the likes of Michael Buble and Ariana Grande.

The shackles of being part of a commercially savvy behemoth are gone, and now his personality is coming to the fore. Maybe his stint in the cookiecutter pop group proved enough self-censorship to last a lifetime, or maybe it's just what happens when you get older – Styles just turned 26 – but these days, the young man from Cheshire can't be bothered to people please any more. Instead, he's simply living.

"I had a dream day recently – well, it was in summer," he says from a chilly New York City.

"I was with some friends and we took bikes down to this little lake and we went swimming and had some food and listened to music and we were in the countryside, and then we biked back from the lake and had dinner, I read a little and went to bed. The times I'm happiest are when I'm surrounded by friends and people I care about, talking."

It was during his last world tour, his first without his former bandmates, that he decided being happy is what was  most important, not doing what he thought people – fans, record labels, bandmates – expected of him.

"The best way of describing it was just realising people wanted me to be myself and that's what they came to the show for," he says.

"The last album wasn't necessarily a radio record, but they were still coming to the shows and singing along. It showed they wanted me to be making what I wanted to make – and they wanted to come and join in with that, I guess.

"It's probably more important to be real, I guess, than to be making stuff so people like it. Realising that was a big moment for me."

For Styles that liberation has shown itself in many ways, from openly talking about discovering magic mushrooms (he bit off the tip of his tongue during one session), to embracing a type of gender fluidity in the clothes he wears and the fashion choices he makes. Yes, there are Pinterest boards dedicated to every time he has worn nail polish and no, he doesn't like talking about his own sexual identity, previously telling The Guardian: "It's, who cares? Does that make sense? It's just, who cares?"

Would any of that have been a topic of conversation during his One Direction days? Probably not. But through it all, by tabloid  standards, he's remained relatively well-adjusted and scandal-free. Not bad for a kid who, 10 years ago this April, stumbled on to a TV singing show stage aged just 16, and months later was part of the biggest phenomenon to hit pop music in years.

There have been things he has had to learn the hard way, of course, including just how much of himself he really shares with fans. Being a teenager, and suddenly famous, meant there was a time he felt he had to give almost everything – it was simply part of the job.

"When I moved to London and started in music, I was so young, first of all. It wasn't like I knew what was going to happen," he says.

"You are just encouraged to give so much of yourself, and through experiencing different things, I learnt what I liked and what I was comfortable with, and what I didn't like and wasn't comfortable with.

"For me, as things have happened, I go, 'OK, if I give a bit too much of myself away, I don't like it that much.' So, I did it a little bit less and I guess I'm just a lot happier doing it that way.

"And I don't really talk about personal stuff in interviews and stuff, I try and keep that side of my life pretty private. Music, I find it really therapeutic to write that way, it's my outlet for saying how I feel about stuff."

It's a fairly meta experience to have someone you are interviewing tell you, without any aggression or agenda, that they just don't really talk about themselves in interviews, but there it is.

It's not that he's a closed book – he's right, the songs on his latest album, Fine Line, are full of raw emotion about breakups, sex and self-reflection, much more so than other writing he's done. He doesn't want to be that upbeat kid whose job it was to make everyone else comfortable, but equally, he says performing these songs and this side of him will be a special, powerful moment when his Fine Line world tour begins – including a return trip to New Zealand in November.

"I try not to think about the 'putting out' part of the music while I'm making it, and that plays a part in how personal I can get while making it, I guess. I write as if it's for me, and I'm lucky enough to work with a group of people who create an environment where I can be honest and vulnerable when I'm writing.

"And by the time it comes to putting it out, that's when I go, 'Oh, is this too personal?'" he says. "And usually the answer is no, because that's the kind of music I want to make."

[battlestar-royco]

updated faq

Round 2! I tried to shorten the answers so as not to be repetitive, and I also added new FAQs for your convenience. My past self who wrote my first FAQ annoys me, and this one is more thorough anyway, so here you go. I still can’t believe you all actually interact with me enough that I have to make one of these.

Questions up here, answers under the cut.

anti sjm basics

1. why are you an anti?

2. why are you specifically anti SJM?

3. do you like anything about SJM’s books?

4. terminology and practices

5. why do you hold SJM to a higher standard than other authors?/why do you focus on criticizing this one woman more harshly than you do men?

6. did you see what xyz stan did?

7. are you an anti for non-SJM stuff?

best of (in my humble opinion)

diversity and sensitivity

8. I have a question about writing and/or how to portray xyz identity...

9. can you please tag...?

10. is it okay if I like [x author]/[y series] even if I know they’re problematic?

11. what are your suggestions for aspiring authors who want to write diversely?

personal

12. is it okay if I message you?

13. why don’t you post about books/shows/movies you actually like?

14. favorites?

15. book suggestions?

16. are you a writer/what are you writing/do you plan on publishing?

17. is it okay if I follow you on other social media?

18. fandom research

19. when did you start your blog?

20. how did you decide your url?

anti SJM basics

1. why are you an anti?

I love thinking critically about the media I consume. Though I wouldn’t say I’m particularly “anti” any text or author, some people classify any criticism as “anti.” To respect people in the main tags, I post in anti tags so they don’t have to see critical posts. Otherwise, I love talking about positive, neutral, and negative aspects of books.

2. why are you specifically anti SJM?

The Anti SJM Manifesto

What made you turn into an anti? x x

Rowan/Rowaelin: x x x

The fandom: x x x x x x

3. do you like anything about SJM’s books?

Yes. I like a lot of SJM’s ideas, but I don’t like how they’re executed at all. I highly enjoyed TAB, TOG-HOF, and the witch storyline of QOS. My favorite TOG characters are Manon, Chaol, Nehemia, and Sorscha. Honorable mention for Lysandra, Kaltain, and Asterin. My favorite ACOTAR characters are Nesta, Lucien, and Tarquin. Additional links: x x x x

If you want my positive thoughts on certain SJM characters, look up: “anti sjm: [character name]” and you’ll find them.

4. terminology and practices:

Anti SJM Glossary. Seeing as many of us have had bad experiences with stans and in one case, authors, we censor names so our posts stay in our own tags.

What is soap dick? From August 2018 x x.

Manongate? when KOA came out, Charlie Bowater’s promotional art (x) depicted Manon as Asian. Here’s more on why that’s a problematic and lazy decision on SJM and Bloomsbury’s part: x x.

5. why do you hold SJM to a higher standard than other authors?/why do you focus on criticizing this one woman more harshly than you do men?

SJM alone out of all the biggest YA authors has yet to make craft improvements or display a social awareness similar to what I’ve seen from her colleagues. I give all authors an equal chance, but SJM’s writing and behavior has significantly decreased in quality compared to other fantasy authors despite her books being lauded as complex and feminist works. However, I’m not perfect, so do feel welcome to send me an ask if you think I’m being unfair.

The anti SJM community is focused on women because we all mainly read women. Critiquing women doesn’t mean we are unaware, dismissive of, or silent about the issues in men’s work. The “anti” movements for the likes of GRRM do exist, but under a different name than “anti”–there are thousands of critical meta blogs, book/TV critics and reviewers, Youtubers, etc out there who discuss his flaws in depth. I also have lengthy anti GRRM, anti GOT, and anti ASOIAF tags. Finally, I personally find critiquing and discussing women’s work a lot more interesting, productive, and empowering than doing the same for men, especially because my blog’s focus is on the YA author/transformative fan community at large.

About Leigh Bardugo: x x x x x x x

About GRRM (and GOT): x x x x x x x

About Tolkien: I've only read The Hobbit and a third of Fellowship of the Ring, and I’ve only watched FotR, so I don’t say much about him at all.

6. did you see what xyz stan did?

Probably not, especially if what they did was off Tumblr. I don’t look at stan accounts unless someone informs me that my posts or I have come up in conversation on their blog. Any specific stan urls in asks will be redacted both for their privacy and my own well-being. Stans have doxxed, harassed, and discriminated against antis, including myself, so I’d rather save us all the trouble.

7. are you an anti for non-SJM stuff?

I most often talk about SJM’s books, but I’ve also been very critical of GOT/ASOIAF. Following GRRM, several other YA authors have appeared in positive, neutral, and critical lights. On the more critical side we have Cassandra Clare and JK Rowling, and a very little bit about Victoria Aveyard, John Green, Maggie Stiefvater, Stephenie Meyer, and Veronica Roth. Otherwise, I’ve talked about Susan Dennard, Rick Riordan, Leigh Bardugo, and Marie Rutkoski. Check out my YA critical tag for more. I’m also down to discuss franchises like Star Wars, Fantastic Beasts, MCU, etc, as well as TV shows. Basically anything big in genre fiction media, there’s a good chance I’ve read/watched it and I have opinions!

best of

anti SJM

Are the Illyrians MOC?

Moral Ambiguity Series

Anti Nessian

Lucien or Rhysand?

Chaol or Rowan?

misc.

why are period dramas like... that

White Feminism

a beginner’s guide to fandom racism

diversity and sensitivity

8. I have a question about writing and/or how to portray xyz identity...

First and foremost, check my “writing advice” and “writing advice: poc” tags to see if the question has already been answered.

I am black cis girl with a dual degree in women’s/gender studies and creative writing. I will best be able to answer questions regarding black characters, women, racial oppression and identity as a whole, and most questions about queer characters. There’s a chance I can provide a basic answer to questions about demographics outside of these, but I’ll most likely advise you to ask another blogger or seek out sensitivity readers.

9. can you please tag...?

Yes. Just send an ask and I’ll tag anything. I’ve turned off all Tumblr notifications for this account so I probably won’t see tag requests in comments unless you comment within a day or so of the post.

10. is it okay if I like [x author]/[y series] even if I know they’re problematic?

Absolutely. I’m not the liking-things police and I can’t control whether you like something or not. There’s no such thing as an unproblematic author or unproblematic series, so you just have to like what you like at your own discretion and with a critical eye. As long as you’re aware of the issues and not denying or ignoring them, maybe even seeking out other people whose opinions add to the conversation, you’re good. It’s exhausting to be 100% critical but harmful to be 100% uncritical, so you have to seek out critics you like and figure out how to maintain a dialogue with the text and/or the author. The balance is different for everyone but once you find it, it gets easier to keep up!

11. what are your suggestions for aspiring authors who want to write diversely?

Concepts to be aware of and tropes to avoid: male gaze, the Bechdel test, the Mako Mori test, the sexy lamp test, fridging, Orientalism, xenoface (called “the Gamora Phenomenon” on my blog), black best friend, Spicy Latina, Dragon Lady, bury your gays, disability narratives, queerbaiting.

What not to do when creating a culture.

My advice about writing POC.

Check out these blogs if you like: x x x.

Follow as diversely as possible. Follow multiple blogs, especially writing- or fandom-themed blogs, run by POC (especially women and LGBTQ+), bloggers from religiously marginalized groups, bloggers with disabilities, older bloggers, younger bloggers, international bloggers, plus size bloggers, etc. Everyone has different perspectives and opinions, so it’s best to read from multiple sources.

Magnify marginalized voices in conversations about diversity, and LISTEN to what they are telling you.

Read diversely! Read genre fiction written by marginalized people. Maybe even read some gender, queer, race, or disability theory if you like. I’m personally a fan of Audre Lorde, Anne McClintock, and Sara Ahmed, but I like a lot more.

Seek out multiple sensitivity readers for the specific identity you are trying to represent (ie if you are trying to write a Muslim woman, ask a Muslim woman to sensitivity read for you. Experiences are not interchangeable so don’t treat them as such).

Don’t let the research stop here. This is just the beginning. There are plenty of awesome and accessible resources out there if you want to know more. I started learning about this stuff on sites like Tumblr, Goodreads, and Youtube. The Goodreads review sections, especially for YA books, are so entertaining and full of commentators coming at texts with feminist, queer, and POC lenses if you look in the right spots. There are also podcasts and Youtube videos about feminism, history of queerbaiting, and such. Happy reading/listening/writing!

personal

12. is it okay if I message you?

If we’ve been mutuals and/or we’ve interacted for a while (at least a few weeks or so), absolutely. When it comes to questions about writing or diversity advice in WIPs, I prefer asks (off or on anon is fine; if you’d like to be off anon but answered privately, you can indicate that in the ask). That way, other people with similar questions can join the discussion and I’m less likely to repeat myself. That said, I’m not opposed to messages; I just get shy around people I don’t know :). Regardless of ask or message, please try to ask the full question as clearly as possible so I can answer it to my best ability. Generally, you can expect an answer to your message or ask within a few days to a week of sending.

If you’re looking for a fight and/or if you start using condescending, rude, or discriminatory language, you will be ignored.

13. why don’t you post about books/shows/movies you actually like?

I do! :)

14. favorites?

books: Harry Potter; The Hunger Games; Six of Crows; Percy Jackson; The Winner’s Trilogy; Angelfall; The Secret History; Othello; Jane Eyre; The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe/The Magician’s Nephew; A Storm of Swords.

movies: Alien, Blade Runner 2049, Harry Potter, Wonder Woman, Black Panther, Annihilation, Mad Max: Fury Road, The Terminator 2, The Breakfast Club, The Lion King, Moonlight dir. Barry Jenkins, Sleeping Beauty, Mulan, Tangled.

tv series: Sense8, Battlestar Galactica (2004-2008), Black Mirror, The X Files, The 100, Westworld (season 1 only), Watchmen, Homeland (seasons 1-4 only), Orphan Black, Breaking Bad, The Office, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, New Girl, Fleabag.

15. book suggestions?

Book recs!

Maxine, did you read/watch...?

16. are you a writer/what are you writing/do you plan on publishing?

I hope to publish, yes! I write mostly YA fantasy, but I also love sci fi, crime drama, and certain elements of horror so I have works in or influenced by all of those genres. I want to get my foot in the YA fantasy door first and foremost :). Check out “polysorscha writes things” if you want to know more specifics.

17. is it okay if I follow you on other social media?

As of now I keep my blog disconnected from my personal life, so I don’t share my other socials but feel free to follow me over on my main blog @ripley-stark if you like! It’s just pretty gifs and photos of my favorite movies and shows, social justice, meta reblogs here and there, and rambling in the tags. Don’t feel like you have to follow if you don’t want to; I say a lot more on here.

That being said, I have given my Goodreads to a handful of people who ask, so if you want to track what I’m reading, private message me and I’ll send you the link. In the case that I share the link with you, please respect my privacy and do not repost or share the link anywhere else unless you see me share it on my blog publicly.

18. fandom research:

In March to May 2019, I conducted a survey on my blog in an attempt to gather information about fandom through a social justice–specifically, intersectional feminist–lens. Here are the results and my analysis of the survey x. The purpose for this data collection was to write my final undergraduate research paper in one of my two majors, women’s and gender studies (the other is creative writing!), which focused on diversity and inclusion in genre fiction media and fandom. The final paper is about 11k words. I haven’t publicly published it, but message me if you’re interested in reading it! I also plan on doing more similar surveys to gather information about what audiences want to see in future media, so if anyone is interested, please send messages, asks, comments etc about what YOU want to see and/or ideas about how we can spread the info to creators. This is much bigger than just me and I can’t do it without your help. I love hearing from diverse voices and amplifying them as much as I can. Everyone’s perspective is meaningful!

19. when did you start your blog?

No earlier than the end of April or beginning of May 2018.

20. how did you decide your url?

I wish the Celaena/Dorian/Chaol love triangle resolved in a polyamorous relationship, and that Nehemia and Sorscha were thriving. Seeing as I am black, Sorscha is one of two characters in T0G who represents me. Thus, polyamorous + Sorscha. :)

[apptowonder]

The Flavor of Modern Orthodoxy: A Brief Hot Take and Rebuttal of Met. Neophytos

So...Bishop Neophytos of Morphou, a bishop in the Orthodox Church of Cyprus, has recently been making the news for some ill-informed and frankly bizarre remarks on the origins of homosexuality. I’m not going to link to the articles in question, as I don’t feel that His Eminence needs a platform on this blog. Briefly,   the bishop said that when the woman enjoys anal sex, “a desire is created, which is then transmitted to the unborn child,” (this “desire” being homosexual or bisexual orientation*). These remarks make for a good sound bite, and are, quite frankly, baffling. It’s easy to make a whole article (and many news outlets have, most of whom having only a passing knowledge of Orthodoxy) out of the debacle. However, as an Orthodox Christian myself (though not one under the Church of Cyprus), I feel compelled to...I guess contextualize the situation we’re in that leads to remarks like this, to the best of my ability, and ask the more interesting question, “Why do some modern Orthodox hierarchs seem to be stuck in this kind of thinking about contemporary social concerns?”**

Eastern Orthodoxy in the New World is very slowly being forced to grapple with the demands of modernity. A lot of people (particularly non-Orthodox Christians) are just saying “They should change with the times,” and I think that’s certainly true in the sense that we need to consider the effects some of our official doctrinal positions on social issues (prohibition on women’s ordination, same-gender marriage, not much space for trans people) and adjust them so as to better care for all of God’s children, to recognize the unique gifts of everyone to the Church, and to witness a gospel that is truly Good News. But part of Orthodoxy is an emphasis on sacred tradition, and preserving what is valuable and life-giving from the words of holy people who came before and shaped the Church to what it is today. This can be a double-edged sword, of course, but part of the reason pursuing social justice in Orthodoxy is complex is because many Orthodox churches are worried that changing means not only changing their stances on things (which many laity and some clergy are open to doing), but also “reforming” and modernizing in the way that some Protestants have, in a way that cuts them off from their history, their unique “flavor” of spirituality and witness to Christ in the wider Christian Church. 

TBC, i’m not saying that being non-affirming is essential to that tradition, but the question for American Orthodoxy in particular seems to be, “Is it possible to improve our approach towards social concerns in a way that is authentic to our identity and makes use of the beauty of holy tradition, rather than making Orthodoxy into a copy of Protestant churches (not that Protestantism is bad, it’s just different)?” The American churches seem to be split between, “Yes, there probably is a way, let’s figure out how” (much of my theological reflection these days is directed towards this question, as someone who has a deep love for what is beautiful about my faith, and who also sees the flaws of its institutions and where it has failed to live out that faith in justice and mercy) and “We shouldn’t have to change, secular/non-Christian society is wrong,” which, given the memory of oppression under the Soviet regime (for Slavic Orthodox communities) the Ottoman Empire (for Greek and Middle Eastern Orthodox) and the Third Reich***, I can understand their reticence, even if I feel it is misplaced and misdirected against communities who are also now vulnerable. This sense of persecution has been ratcheted up by evangelical and fundamentalist converts to Orthodoxy (who share my background but not my experiences and convictions) who basically want to use Orthodoxy as a tool to try and put more weight behind their culture of fear and a God of wrath (not all evangelicals of course, but some). Consider Rod Dreher, or Fr. Josiah Trenham, as prime examples of this phenomenon.

Now, to finally get to the point, the Old World Orthodox churches also have the problem of grappling with modernity, but I get the sense that they are under less pressure to wrestle with these problems (though that may be changing). In Europe and to a lesser extent Asia, Orthodoxy has more cultural clout than in America because it has been a part of the culture for so long. As such, bishops and other leaders tend to be somewhat out of touch with the problems of modernity because their cultural atmosphere doesn’t force them to engage with these issues. And so many leaders, like this bishop in Cyprus, fall back on hokey pseudoscience or unexamined repetition of tradition taken out of context (most of our canon law that deals with anything resembling queerness was written for a very different time, place and context, under an empire that no longer exists), such as the remarks in this article. There are a few bishops in England and elsewhere who are doing innovative work that does wrestle with these questions, but they tend to be bishops who do not actively manage a diocese (cf. for example, Metropolitans Kallistos Ware and John Zizioulas). So...these remarks by the bishop in Cyprus are inane, but the reason why they’re persistent is more complex than just ignorance, and I think that is worth keeping in mind if we’re going to figure out how to bring the entire Christian church through the gender and sexuality debates (and other questions of adaptation to modern concerns) in a way that encourages the dignity of each church and all its people

*Metropolitan Neophytos does not mention bisexuality, nor does he mention lesbian experience, but it is my assumption that in discussing same-sex attraction, he refers to all men who love other men.  

**Note: This post is my informed opinion and conjecture based on my experiences in the church. I am not an expert. 

***This is to say nothing of the damage done by other Christian groups, from the Crusades to Protestant “missionary” efforts to convert the Orthodox.

[gadzooks-my-life]

Web Wednesday

3/4/19

Ok hi everyone, as promised here is my Web Wednesday post! The first of many. Today's focus is bisexuality.

Some notes before I begin:

I am not every bisexual person

I cannot possibly present every angle in one Tumblr post.

This will be presented as questions about my sexuality that I have asked myself and answers I have found that have proved most useful.

This will mostly be me paraphrasing and my interpretations of the information presented to me. In terms of sources I will credit to the best of my ability where it is due but I have done a lot of reading for this so in one post, so as to make it as reader friendly as possible if you want information that isn't paraphrased or put into my own words I am happy to provide my more specific sources, all you need to do is ask. The aim is for this to be relatable so it will be written as such.

As it stands I haven't had much interaction with the broader LGBTQIA+ community as of yet as I have wanted to be comfortable with myself first.

That being said let's begin:

Bisexuality

If you tried to figure out exactly where your sexuality falls in the LGBTQIA+ by typing "bisexuality definition" into Google I do not blame you for being confused. So much of what comes back is contradictory or incomplete. Which makes it really difficult to answer most people's first question about bisexuality:

What is it?

First and foremost it is an identity of its own. It is not "half straight, half gay/lesbian". Anyone can be bisexual!

The best answer I can figure is that it's both a spectrum and a catch all for people attracted to more than one gender. There are some bisexuals who are only attracted to male and female, some who are attracted to male and non binary folk, or female and non binary folk, some who are attracted to three different genders, some who are attracted to more than that... The combinations are endless and they are all bi. Other sexualities under the bi umbrella are...extensive. There are actually a lot of helpful images if you look up "bisexual umbrella" but they can be overwhelming so it's best to start simple and then branch out.

The prefix "bi" stems from Latin and the Greek variant "di". Both mean "two" traditionally. However in this instance it's generally accepted to be "more than one". If it's easier, think about it like this: although people in all facets of the LGBTQIA+ community have always existed, they have not always been accepted or identified. Now that we are gaining a voice and learning more about ourselves we are kind of spoiled for choice in terms of how we identify and the labels of who we are attracted to.

One of my favourite concepts regarding this I actually learnt from a prominent Harry Potter Role Player on Tumblr (I know I'm a nerd/geek/whatever, let's move on 😂😂). The idea is that you are you and no label will make everything click into place or suddenly mean you have to tuck all your limbs into the "box" you chose anyway. We are a bit of an out of the box community anyway so that thinking that we can tuck ourselves in was never going to work. Largely I feel it's society that needs the labels more than we do. People not in the community, or in other areas of the community even, like to "know" where we are so they can predict how we will behave, what we will say and thereby what they can do or say around us.

So this goes to the next question:

What do I tell people?

You can tell them whatever the f*ck you feel like. If you are ok using the term bisexual then tell them that. If after some research, you feel like you sit somewhere more specific under the bi umbrella and that distinction matters to you then that's what you tell people. Or even if it doesn't really matter to you but that's the term you use then you say that. Simple.

For me, I'm attracted to males, females and the occasional androgenous or non binary person but I don't identify as Pans or anything else under the umbrella because not only did I not find a definition I was more comfortable with but it didn't feel right. I may be attracted to more than two genders but that doesn't mean I'm not bi. And that's what I tell people.

My best advice is go with your heart if you feel like a term really fits you then go for it and if people ask just explain what it means for you if you're comfortable to do that.

What will I encounter as a bisexual person?

This is a big question that's not easily answered. There are so many variables it's not funny. It will depend upon your location, your government, your local community, your friends, your family...no one can speak for these groups but them.

What I can do however is give you a rundown of my experiences so far.

After coming out I think there's is definitely the possibility of feeling "obligated" to date someone of the opposite gender or of a non similar gender to "prove" that you're bisexual.

You owe this to no one!

I have experienced this and am currently experiencing this. Having just finished coming out to those closest to me, I'm currently interested in a male and I'm almost feeling as though I should disregard my feelings and specifically try to date someone who isn't male.

If anyone tries to tell you it's just a phase, that you're attention seeking or that you're confused or faking... This is THEIR problem. It's not on you to justify your sexuality to them. If it's safe to do so you can try to sit down and have a conversation about it with them but don't hold onto the negitivity if they don't come around. Support is what you really need.

Another few terms you might hear are biphobia and bi erasure.

Biphobia is pretty standard ablete not very nice phenomenon where people have an aversion to bisexuality, often denying it's existence as a legitimate orientation and rejecting those who identify as such. Unfortunately it has been known to occur from both non LGBTQIA folk and people in the community. You just have to be careful and remember you are valid and you are loved. I know it can get hard sometimes but you are, I promise.

Bi erasure is the lack of representation of bisexuals in the media, in movies, books, music etc. It is however 20-bi-teen!!! Hopefully we can start turning this around!

Being bisexual is something to be proud of and not something to fear. Yes it can be daunting and complicated but that does NOT be any means mean that the effort isn't worth it. There are lots of great things about being bi, you just have to discover them 😊

Well lovelies, these are the main questions I wanted answered before I came out, I hope they have helped. If you have any other questions you want answers to about today's Web Wednesday then let me know and I'll put them in a Web Wednesday next week.

Ducks Are Awesome, Bi's Are Beautiful 🏳️‍🌈💜

[incarnateirony]

The Homo-Hetero Paradox

This is gonna be long AF but is for those confused (or frustrated at/with) why some people believe their queer ship deserves endgame. This actually goes for multiple fandoms, but due to my core fandom, I’m gonna use The Obvious Example.

This is a hotly spoken thing, and a lot of people are “bothered” when certain things are, essentially, treated like “must be endgame” from a seemingly assumed position,which irks some people. Many don’t realize there is a difference between “This ship” or “that ship” because they’re not wired to see The Gay, and that’s okay, as long as you’re willing to respect, and listen, to why people see it. You have your right to not see it, but you also need to understand when “endgame” talks up from incidents like showrunners or authors declaring intention, so if you’re honestly interested... read on. Because odds are, if you can trudge through all of this, even if you don’t agree with their interpretation, you hopefully gain some respect for them as people on WHY they hold that belief.

So there’s something I really, really need to clarify here. 

I can talk all day about 

authorial intent.

I can 

ELI5 “canon”, “subtext”, “romance,” 

or the dictionary all day long.

I can literally cover 

the growth of this from the dawn of time,

But this itself is preaching to a choir until we write something with full intention of reaching out to those who may, genuinely actually not know. This isn’t intended for the antis sourced in issues like character/actor hate who literally will never see the logic because they don’t want to, but for those who WANT to actually understand where this comes from. It’s long. But this is about understanding your fellow fandomites as human beings, and honestly applies to multiple fandoms. 

Because the way this fandom has been trained into its narrative - and the way this culture has been geared into its narrative - the way SOCIETY has been geared into this narrative - the common reduction is, “this is just about a ship.”

And no. it isn’t. It’s so much deeper than that.Before continuing, keep those three list points in mind, whether you read them first, or as I reference them later.

So this is something written to implore every person that says, “I support the LGBT community but-”, or “I mean, I love gay people, I have gay friends, but-” or “I experimented a few times but-”, because even the latter can have internalized conditioning and not even realize what, exactly, they’re saying, or doing, because you’ve drawn a line in YOUR head where the fandom line is from canon, which is actually sometimes different from where the showrunners have even admitted that line is, and you don’t realize it or now about it. Much less the former. If you are any of these people, or if you’ve DEALT with any of these people, who see how people contend for the writing of ANY ship - in this fandom, most likely and by-and-large Destiel, but ANYWHERE - that is LGBT oriented - keep reading. Send it to them and get THEM to keep reading. Because I’m going to say something beyond “representation.”

Disclaimer: This is not about All Gay Ships Ever, this is about ships with confirmed authorial/showrunner/creator intent statements. I am in no way saying Anything Anyone Imagines Up Gayly Ever is part of this. Hell, I’m even being slightly exclusory in not including ones that are plain as day without intent statements, but that’s why I’m using this example: intent statements WITH plot/etc that STILL get resistance. But this becomes muddied to people who aren’t wired to see this engagement, in a world and fandom full of random pairings, that don’t follow author stuff.

If you’re honestly interested on understanding this phenomenon in viewership, and HONESTLY interested in understanding where this frustration comes from, I need you to do an exercise:

I want you to imagine a world where you can watch years of romantic burn going on between opposite gender characters. Every trope, every classic arc in the book. The authors go, yup, that’s exactly what we were going for there, thanks for noticing! Now imagine if whenever your male/female pairing get close, people scream it’s fanservice. If they don’t kiss, it doesn’t count, and you’re just in crazy fanfiction land seeing things that aren’t there; if you want them to be confirmed, you’re just missing the point of everything else in the show; and if they DO kiss, you’ve just ruined everything because you’ve made it all about a relationship, even if it’s just one moment and the rest goes back to normal. Where your male/female pairing is damned if they do and damned if they don’t; where they can never be with the person that clearly makes them most complete, because someone is going to make an accusation in a direction.

I need you to imagine this as your default. Every show. Now I want you to keep reading.

The reason I use Destiel, beyond obvious fandom affiliation, as my example is because of just how flagrant this is. And I understand - if you’re sitting on the other side of the fence, you may not realize just how flagrant it is. And that’s why it becomes very important for people in the LGBT+ community at times, while very upsetting in the opposite direction for others (such as the frequently used term “queerbait”, which also earns trigger-response on both sides of the fence, usually eyerolls from those who don’t get it). You’ll generally find LGBT+ people sitting at one side or the other on this discussion: Believing in endgame, or upset and saying queerbait. And there’s a reason, and if you’ve never understood... this is for you.

I need to paint a picture for you. In the links above, I covered three critical topics: 

what literally defines canon/subtext/romance, 

the growth of the story as per trackable history,

and literal statements from even the showrunners confirming the intended romantic tilt of certain scenes.

And people, bless them, people who really do believe they are open minded come back with statements like, “it’s stretching,” and “no reason to not make it clear if that’s what they want.” Because, as per the pages I’m going to have to expound on with how complex this issue is, they’re yet to actually grasp why it’s so damned difficult.

And then some of us get mad. And this is why “queerbait” even hangs in the balance. Endgame or queerbait. Faith in the show, or distrust in it. You’ll see in the “authorial intent” link that I even cited how major LGBT representation venues have started itself cataloguing SPN since these statements. Multiple major venues have started listing it at the top of queerbait listings - EVEN OUTSIDE THE FANDOM. This is literally becoming this franchise’s legacy in the modern world while trying to launch a confirmed LGBT-pairing-author-intentional new spinoff for a younger demographic, of which statistically less than 50% identify as straight as per a recent census. (Source) That’s half of their potential demographic this matters to on a personal level, much less how more open and aware the not-straight youngsters around them are to issues for their friends in this generation, which has grown up entirely different and more open-and-aware. (Compared to millenials 21-34 at 65% hetero, 35% scaling “other” - still 35% of our target demo too)

This is a generation behind us that performs giant school walkouts, orchestrates waterfalls of social PR and even political motions just as they’re getting their voting cards. Whether or not you agree with their opinion isn’t what’s relevant - what’s relevant is that they are literally the money making target demo for the future of this entire franchise. And “Queerbait” does not need to be the legacy of this show.

But before we even get into the freakishly dangerous fallout that is attached to this sentiment, let’s just fall back to the simple point: this started being our legacy years ago, and TPTB started making steps to repair them.

The issue is, as they make steps to repair them, the LGBT community itself runs into resistance from those who somehow think they’re allies, because they’re COMPLETELY unaware of the paradox they have built for us.

This goes for almost ANY literature, film, TV, anything. This goes ALMOST ANYWHERE. And yes, it does apply, in every corner, to Destiel as well. 

“It’s just... to feed that part of the fanbase!”

Okay... cool, but... if they admitted they did it, and they’re on screen doing the thing, and recognized doing the thing, and presented the thing, then why do you treat the LGBT community (or anyone else that sees and supports it) as somehow the crazy ones for seeing the thing? Because things-that-happened-on-the-show-and-were-confirmed-by-the-author/showrunner is literally the definition of canon, so it is at least canon that there would be romantic feelings involved, it just isn’t a “canon couple,” such as one that has become an actual pair/in an active relationship. So why is it crazy to see what we are told is there? And do you understand how this makes us feel when this is said to us, when we know it has been confirmed? What is the subtext about non-hetero relations/emotions then?

“Well, no reason for them to REALLY do it if they don’t make it clear.”

Okay... so... at what point is it clear? When they say “We did a thing, and intended to do the thing,” That’s fine on a one off (Jilted Lover Castiel). But what about when other incidents come back up? A second time? (Thompson’s statement) A third? (Colette-Castiel). All confirmed. What if it goes so far they film side by side frame by frame parallels to romantic pairings shot by the same director as before, or share the same dialogue? (multiple incidents). What if these things all tie together into a complete storyline and you guys keep saying each and every time that it wasn’t CLEAR enough, no matter what the authors said? What if the showrunner himself declared intent, or penned something obvious as hell that got cut once they had to extend to a new season? And what if this all ran a long plot arc, and all of these statements tied into the same story, that interconnected like a tapestry? And what if, after being a Jilted Lover, a Fated Wife, and implied as basically canon, we even get this just before the end line:

“Okay, well that last one never happened, though. They FILMED it and chose not to use it.” 

Okay, great? That... happens a lot in film.  But when you have a full circle of these statements, a full... everything (read the authorial intent link), and this original ending line there - how do you expect people that are open, receptive, or even resonate with LGBT+ issues to see this show? How do you EXPECT them to interpret it? And after ALL of these author statements, how do you think they feel when you tell them an emotional story about two people who haven’t let themselves be together, or life, or directors, or whatever else - how do you think that feels? Sure. It didn’t reach that end line, but does that mean all of the other intentional undertones and previous statements and VIBE of the story didn’t exist, we’re crazy for seeing it just cuz that scene didn’t lock it in and they didn’t fall into each other’s arms? Or did they just not get their happy ending? Were all the other confirmed directions suddenly invalid?

And again, this isn’t just about Destiel. This is just the most relevant example to those within my fandom reach. This is a VERY broad issue.

These viewers have TWO options in the end: Assume queerbait, or pray for endgame and that the studio isn’t manipulating them.

We literally don’t have anything else. Once those authors have confirmed that all of these things were there, once we know that, once we see it in action, we literally don’t have another course of action. Maybe for people that are straight or willingly repressed it’s easier to go “Oh, it’s just... a joke, or fanservice.” But what... a season of fanservice? Two? Four, at this point? It’s all just four seasons of fanservice with authors that have made statements (since season 9, or since S8 about Dean’s romantic potential) knowing what they’re doing and confirming levels of intention along the way, and keep doing it...

That isn’t “fanservice.” Queerbait or endgame. These are the options.

But this conversation gets worse.

It’s “unclear” to an audience, just because it isn’t acted on; perhaps you don’t see the same chemistry we do, and that part is okay. We get it, you’re not gay so you don’t see the Gay as easy. But as long as you take every author statement, every showrunner statement and delete them; as long as you take every scene, now without those statements, and propose other interpretations; it will never be clear to you, and then you will continue to resist it to TPTB. And yes, it’s your right to interpret entertainment as you see fit, but when you go around with “keep fanon in fandom” like this shit isn’t right here, on our screens, with authors or showrunners or actors, right there, in interviews, saying yes, this is exactly what we meant it to be, and yes we intended it this way - at what point are we talking fanon anymore? Oh, the gay stuff is just fanservice regardless of the years of content. You see how people take offense to this, too.

Why? Oh, because... I don’t know, “I won’t believe it until I see a kiss or confirmation.”

AND HEREIN LIES THE TRAP AND PARADOX.

The SECOND this starts taking effect, people begin the complaints.

geez u guys just want to make it about sexKeep fanon in fandomy do u guys make everything gaystory isn’t about kissing (except random girls)it’s like you changed something in them and u shouldnt have to

This may be shocking to some people, but - Destiel as the example - Dean could still be Dean if he was acknowledged more forwardly having feelings for Cas. He could still love cars, women (yes! shocking!), beer, guns and flannel. There isn’t a rainbow quota to fulfill. Some people just don’t want the implication of a gay angel in their Good Old American Guns Beer And Flannel, but that ALONE is an INCREDIBLY harmful narrative to gay or bi men around the world, many of which are JUST LIKE DEAN IN HIS LIFESTYLE AND HOBBIES and TRAPPED in this life of WHO THEY HAVE TO BE. Did you know that in the US, on a large, private census, while more than half of gays and lesbians are “out,” barely over 1/4  of bisexuals are because of the black-and-white pressure of culture? This is reality. And this is what is constantly being sledgehammered down by this kind of narrative. Bi guy dates a chick and doesn’t want to be thought as QUEER or anything, cuz he’s still a man’s man, so he just... marries into chicks and never opens his mouth and here we are. We’re making progress. On more public social surveys (not everyone answers honestly), between 2010 and 2016, answers for Gay/Lesbian and Bisexuals doubled in respondency rate. DOUBLED. And no, people didn’t suddenly turn gay. By 2017 another survey doubled the rate again. We’re here, we’re queer, and we’re sick of being shit on and treated like a joke, so if you could please maybe not.

We just want their (respective fictional handling of) romantic affiliations to be acknowledged and respected on the same level any other even-potential couple’s would be, without having to scrap our asses off to get people to nod once and go “OK cool, the author said it here, but that was fanservice.” “And this time?” “Fanservice.” “And these four times?” “Fanservice.” “And these multiple seasons?” “Fanservice, all fanservice.”

This is the definition of queerbait and whether or not you acknowledge it, you are making an accusation towards TPTB that they are knowingly extorting a demographic, perpetually, instead of perhaps - just MAYBE - taking one chance to go back now that you know what the authors or showrunners said about these moments, knowing how communities feel about these moments, and watching it over again to see, maybe, just MAYBE see with different lenses now that you know an author said “Yes we intended this.” Instead of telling The Gays to stop seeing The Gay in things the author said they made Gay, clearly it was Just A Joke - can you imagine, back with our initial example, if someone said that to you about your author-confirmed straight romantic moments?

Because this also becomes a trap for production studios. If they get stuck in the same bind. Slow build it? Well, now the gays think we’re being queerbaited, and the people who don’t want the gay think it’s all subtext/a joke/fanservice no matter how frequent or blatant or core-plot-moving.  Make a move on it? Well, us gays are happy, and realize it isn’t queerbait, but the people who resisted it act like it was just So Abrupt, Poorly Done, Why Did You? After ignoring YEARS of Us, The Gays, pointing at the times the authors even admitted to it going WE AREN’T CRAZY, THEY LITERALLY SAID IT’S THERE. But now TPTB have to worry and balance the demographics when you could just Support It If They Made The Choice and be happy if people accepted the intention statements without dismissing them.

And this is why this narrative bothers us. The Gays. Or any kind of Not Straights, really. Because no matter what we do, we’re put at the disadvantage. Someone can slow-burn a plot for four years and then someone’s going to be flabbergasted at the HOPE that someone will do something with it after years of acknowledgment from a studio, rather than the ASSUMPTION of us being extorted. Because They Didn’t See It. That’s great, but not only did we see it, often we’re even told it, and that we saw what was actually there, by the people making it. But then it isn’t respected until it’s moved on, then when it’s moved on, it’s our fault for making everything about sex or kissing, and it’s rushed? But our confirmed romantic stuff doesn’t matter unless it’s kissed out or the arbitrary threshold. So gays don’t matter until they’re ruining things by kissing, in this narrative. The feelings don’t matter. The author statements don’t matter. 

This is. A literal. Paradox.

It’s a freaking trap, is what it is.

The industry is getting better about it. A LOT better. But it’s STILL. EVERYWHERE. And while the INDUSTRY may be getting better, We, The Gays, keep running into this narrative wall constantly from people who think they’re being fair and reasonable and open minded and don’t even realize what they’re saying. 

You literally can’t turn around on us and say “You’re just seeing gay when it isn’t there!!” in instances where we have LITERALLY HAD ADMITTED THERE WAS THE-GAY THERE AND THEY MEANT TO PUT THE-GAY THERE. Just because they didn’t kiss doesn’t mean romances aren’t valid, or have you NEVER had feelings for someone you didn’t manage to make a move on? Never? Were your feelings invalid because you never kissed? Were you incapable of feeling pain when this happened to you? Believe it or not, We, The Gays, have these same conflicts and personal struggles with our emotions in the real world too, and real relationships, and real romantic inclinations, even before talking about TV.

All we’re asking for is these things being ADDRESSED. Not even sexed. Just ADDRESSED. This isn’t even us seeing something in lighting, or camera placement, or clothing type and reading between the lines (no offense to the meta authors out there, some of you do great work), this is us literally deadass being told things like

Only to be told we need to keep our crazy fanfiction sh*t out, when... the creators... are RIGHT. THERE. [gestures emphatically at the above] 

And I get it. There’s this thing called Internalized Homophobia and at one point, even I used to roll my eyes and imply the same thing. Y U Gotta Make Everything Gay? But the more aware we become as a society the more we realize we’ve been trained into this. It’s cultural. Hell, some regions don’t have any problem with it at all. Which is awesome over there. But most of us aren’t there, we’re here, stuck in this narrative, and dealing with this internal discrediting.

So we’re going to echo the starter exercise: Imagine a world where you can watch years of romantic burn going on between opposite gender characters. Every trope, every classic arc in the book. The authors go, yup, that’s exactly what we were going for there, thanks for noticing! Now imagine if whenever your male/female pairing get close, people scream it’s fanservice. If they don’t kiss, it doesn’t count, and you’re just in crazy fanfiction land, and if they DO kiss, you’ve just ruined everything because you’ve made it all about a relationship, even if it’s just one moment and the rest goes back to normal.

I need you to imagine this. I want you to watch this duo on TV for years, investing your heart and interest in them like you invest in any and every part of a story you’re dedicated to for years, this male/female pair that even the showrunner said was romantic-toned at some point, hell and highwater, every adventure, and then, when you ask about it, get some bullshit answer like “Oh well why just make them one thing, when they can be everything for everybody?” And then look over and, in this reverse world, see All The Gay Pairings getting to run around being Confirmed Gay and nobody questioning it. And geez, you stick to your guns and say, “But the showrunner literally said it was romantic! And all of these authors said they did these romantic things on purpose.” and then get slammed with “Keep your stupid straight relationships in fanfiction.” or “God can’t you just enjoy the ACTUAL show?” like it hasn’t been RIGHT. THERE. IN. THE SHOW. AS PART OF IT.  And like you hadn’t seen the showrunner tell them to put it RIGHT. THERE.

Oh wow, okay, that seems pretty shitty, doesn’t it?

So let’s talk about the Bechdel and Vito Russo tests.

Okay, we’ve become aware equality is a huge issue in media. And I’m not saying all women need to be G.I. Jane. The Bechdel test is a VERY BASIC TEST for female representation. Here’s the basics

The movie must have two women in it

who talk to each other

about something besides a man.

Sounds simple AF, right? You’d be surprised how many fail, though. But then this got expanded on with options for PoC, and sexuality. The Vito Russo test via GLAAD for LGBT+ made their own.

The Vito Russo Test

Is there an identifiably LGBT character

Is the LGBT character not solely or predominantly DEFINED by their orientation or gender identity, but, 

are they also tied into the plot in such a way that their removal would have significant effect?

Now I want us to take one simple idea while we’re premising about what would be ruined or changed. Riddle me this, in a very very similar but only marginally different universe to challenge: 

if the community accepted Phil and Ben’s audio commentary about Dean’s sexual/romantic flexibility  with all of the attached related content (pages of bi-Dean meta such as the siren interview) being allowed for public consideration and discussion without dismissal (and better TPTB action) without being shoved in the ”fanfiction” bin (Or causing protests from antis), 

and IF we allowed ourselves to take the previous romantic authorial statements as identifiers instead of packing that away like it didn’t exist too

Destiel would ironically already pass this test with flying colors. Authors promote bi Dean potential, authors wrote Destiel elements, and many of these elements DRASTICALLY influenced the current of the story, and their characters are important, WITHOUT being solely and singly attached to walking around proving How Homo they are, and they are who they are, beyond where their romance may be. (The Cain parallels carried two entire seasons 9-10. The S11 profound bond attachment was a plot moving mechanic that arranged the entire finale. Dean’s S13 grief arc ran for five unmissable episodes; and we can say We Don’t See It all day, but when it all comes from the people with those statements up there, just because you don’t, doesn’t mean we’re wrong FOR seeing it, since IT IS LITERALLY SAID TO BE THERE.)

Literally all we need is for them to be identifiably connected LGBT, and for those of us who already take these statements seriously, they ALREADY ARE, because of author statements. However, the perpetual erasure of this, and battle from viewers that resist it to TPTB, or minimalize fans who see it as “less than”, is what would ironically keep this from passing a Vito Russo test, because they keep it reigned in JUST ENOUGH to not cause a blowout. And guess what? That’s where that menacing queerbait issue creeps back up again.

So we swing back around to our paradox. Really 99% of the Destiel community doesn’t want much more than literally them being recognized as the romantic pairing they’ve literally intentionally led us to see, as per all of the above statements from creator capacities (and this is literally just a small pinch of my bag of receipts). We don’t want sex scenes, hell, we don’t even demand a kiss most of the time. We just want to be seen as equals. We just want people to stop treating BLATANT LEAD ONS that compel entire plot arcs of a show like it’s a joke - because being gay isn’t a joke, it isn’t a punch line, and if you’re saying it’s literally all to “pander” to that viewership, if you don’t do anything with it, it isn’t pandering. It’s heartbreaking, and not just “because Destiel” or “because ship,” but because this is a cultural issue we deal with all over, in and out of media, even in the real world, with similar assumptions about us, or our behaviors, or our relationships from people on the street, or even family. So we go to watch media, and what, get pulled over coals, and berated for seeing what they literally told us was there, but If It Happens We Ruin It.

I want you to imagine a world where every straight pairing (or even potential-pairing) on TV that had this kind of investment had that kind of reaction. Hell, if a straight guy and a straight girl on TV run blatant romantic tension and plot arcs that jive up entire seasons of storyline, but they never go to bed together - does anyone ever say people were crazy-weird-fandom for seeing it, even WITHOUT an author saying “Yeah we meant that”? Fucking no, they don’t. And that’s where the problem kicks in.

So the next time you see Destiel people (or any ship for any story with strong authorial intent statements and major contingent plot arcs; this does not necessarily stand for weird crossfandom crackships or whatever) who are “annoying” because they “want/think their ship will be canon,” You might want to change your point of view. Because generally, those people who think it might be endgame, they’re giving TPTB the benefit of the doubt while you unwittingly accuse them.

 They’re going “Maybe they’re not just leading me on, maybe all of these plot things are going somewhere, maybe my sexuality isn’t a joke to them, maybe I’m not just a number they’re manipulating, maybe we matter to them” and that, my friends, is a hell of a lot bigger, and more important, than “just about a ship.” This isn’t me grabbing two characters that have barely met that would be sexy together and going “oh man this would be awesome!” and drawing sexy fanart. This is wanting my emotional investment to go somewhere after they acknowledge pulling on it on purpose. And I think you’d want the same.

And holding out that belief, especially with Wayward on the horizon as an LGBT+ prone spinoff with confirmed intent (Claire/Kaia) for a heavily queer generation, is a HELL of a lot more respectful to this show than just assuming it’s queerbait. This is those people that “annoy” you giving it the benefit of the doubt.

Because generally, people who dismiss these comments, time and again, as jokes/pandering, don’t realize that they’re actually accusing TPTB of something pretty fucking heinous. And I choose not to believe they’re being heinous. And you shouldn’t consider me less of a fan for not assuming they’re being heinous. To you, it looks like pandering. But the community has been pretty obvious about what they want. And queerbait isn’t it. Never has been. 

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: If this isn’t the direction they intend to go, before launching the LGBT-target-demo spinoff, they should be dialing it down instead of ramping it up. Changes in administration etc, changes in vision, it happens. Does that sound like someone who Just Wants To Make It Gay, or someone that has reasonable expectations and a few feet on the ground in reality and what impact this can have on the franchise? But no, they’re once again cranking up the plot level volume of it. So yeah. Yeah, I’m hoping it’s Endgame. Yeah, considering the previous intent statements and All The Story, yeah... I think it makes sense. No, I don’t think it’s fanservice. It’s where the narrative should freaking lead at this point.

So the next time you consider dismissing a statement made by a showrunner, the next time you roll your eyes at someone who thinks their “ship” has a shot at endgame, maybe look back and wonder what installs that instinct in you - what you’re actually saying between the subconscious lines - what the implications even are in this trained thought process that at times even hits Us, The Gays, and is part of the struggle we had in our generation even living as ourselves without being embarrassed of ourselves. 

Maybe take it as less than audacious, and more by way of being generous and wanting to have faith in it.

Will it be canon? Will it be queerbait? We don’t know until the fat lady sings. But hell, if it goes canon, maybe consider why, and maybe consider all those statements We, The Gays pointed you to before, for years, might have had merit too. Maybe it always meant to go somewhere. Maybe TPTB weren’t manipulating us.

The ironic thing is, in the end, I won’t be heartbroken necessarily by Destiel not going canon. It’s less about Destiel specifically. It’s less about Dean and Cas, as much as I love them, and their romance, specifically. It’s less about this fiction show specifically. It’s more about this cultural pandemic. What angers and frustrates me more than anything is seeing SO MANY PEOPLE that think they’re open minded spilling out these paradox points and unwitting accusations, and damaging statements that minimize entire HUGE groups of people.

You ever wondered why? That’s why.

Queerbait or Endgame.

I refuse to assume TPTB are being malign. Regardless of what anyone wants to unwittingly accuse them of.

So yeah. I’m going to hold out for Destiel to be Endgame. And that they aren’t manipulating an entire demographic, and that they aren’t about to blow their own foot off for the spinoff series.

You don’t have to have faith, you don’t even have to ship it, but if you could please stop degrading these things, and us, to our faces (OR behind our backs, BOTH are shitty); or treating us like stains on the fandom for... I don’t know, considering ourselves human, our relationships equal, and statements about us or our relations not a joke; that would be great. Cuz my other option is calling queerbait. And if that’s what it is, I’d hope, deep down, that bothers you, too.

And if I reached even just... one, or two people with this megalithic exposition and made them change their opinion of people who think like this, then my work is done.

[goatcultleader]

well if im doin it then so are you: 1-99

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?I’m going to interpret this as 6 of my favorite songs, which are:Take Me Away – BleachersDoomsday – LovelifeScum – Peta & The WolvesCome Say Hello – SuperhumanoidsYou Haunt Me – Sir SlyStargazer – Elektrik People(I realized while deciding these songs that I have so many more songs that are my favorites)2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?I don’t know. I don’t think there’s anyone I want to meet3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.“her knees. She was whispering to the boy to soothe him and”Fyodor Dostoevsky – Crime and Punishment4: What do you think about most?Just my life in general, I guess5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?“Probably the worst thing about Glar is how overpriced it is”6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?I sleep with clothes on. I’m not some kind of animal7: What’s your strangest talent?I have no talents8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)Girls are good and pure. Boys are wonderful beings.9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?No10: When is the last time you played the air guitar?Never????11: Do you have any strange phobias?Ok the closest thing I have to a phobia is teeth mutilation and it makes me feel very gross and uncomfortable12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?Probably as a small child13: What’s your religion?Atheist14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?Going inside15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?Behind the camera16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?I’m changing this to favorite artist, which makes it much easier, and that is Lana Del Rey17: What was the last lie you told?Ummm… I’m not sure. I tell little lies all the time18: Do you believe in karma?Not really19: What does your URL mean?It’s John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt and my name20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?My greatest weakness is probably my lack of self-confidence/need for validation, and my greatest strength is probably that I’m smart21: Who is your celebrity crush?I don’t have one22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?No23: How do you vent your anger?I’ll talk to someone, maybe cry, or just think about it for a while24: Do you have a collection of anything?No25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?I hate both. I just want people to text me26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?Not entirely, but I’m much happier with myself than I used to be27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?I have no idea28: What’s your biggest “what if”?What if I was the person I want to be?29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?I don’t believe in ghosts, but I do believe in aliens30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.My desk with both of my arms (or if I’m counting my laptop as a thing, it would be that)31: Smell the air. What do you smell?I think I smell my mom making food?32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?One time I went to Pittsburgh and it was so depressing and I had the vague desire to die (more than I usually do)33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?East Coast34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?I don’t know35: To you, what is the meaning of life?To have a good time. Just to fill your life with as many good memories as possible36: Define Art.Something you find pleasing to the senses37: Do you believe in luck?Not exactly, because I think luck is more a perception of results than an actual phenomenon38: What’s the weather like right now?It’s cloudy but kind of bright and it’s cold39: What time is it?12:28 PM40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?I drive, but I’ve never crashed41: What was the last book you read?I read Macbeth for one of my classes42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?Yes43: Do you have any nicknames?“Johnny” is a nickname, but that’s what I go by. Different people call me different things44: What was the last film you saw?I’m pretty sure it was Don’t Breathe45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?One time I cut my thumb by accidentally smashing a glass and that was pretty bad46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?I’m sure I have as a child47: Do you have any obsessions right now?No48: What’s your sexual orientation?Bisexual49: Ever had a rumor spread about you?I don’t know. Maybe50: Do you believe in magic?No, but I do wonder how my friends do their magic tricks51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?In most cases no, but if they truly hurt me, or repeatedly hurt me, I will hold a grudge52: What is your astrological sign?Gemini53: Do you save money or spend it?I save money, but since college started, I’ve spent a lot (college is expensive, kids)54: What’s the last thing you purchased?Donuts55: Love or lust?Love56: In a relationship?No57: How many relationships have you had?358: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?No59: Where were you yesterday?At college, at a grocery store, back at college, and then at home for the rest of the day60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?Yes (the closest things are a pen, markers, and colored pencils)61: Are you wearing socks right now?Yes62: What’s your favorite animal?Cats63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?If I had a secret weapon, then people would actually like me, so obviously I have no secret weapon to get someone to like me64: Where is your best friend?Her house I think?65: Give me your top 5 favorite blogs on Tumblr.@longing4urbottom @the-great-uniter @chasingstallionduckswiththerev @a-few-of-my-favorite-turtles @flanflantheicecreamman66: What is your heritage?I don’t know. White people67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?Sleeping, because I hadn’t slept the night before68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?I have no idea69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?Yikes70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?I think so? I know I’m garbage but I also think I’m a good friend71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?I have to rescue the dog because it’s a dog and I have to72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?I’d tell people I care about, and I guess I’d try to make the most of the time I have left, and I think I’d be afraid73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.I need both. One is worthless without the other74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?I don’t know. Really any song that I like makes me happy75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?187576: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?Love, trust, common interest, mutual support, time together77: How can I win your heart?If you show an interest in me I will like you. That’s just how it works78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?I guess, because you would think differently if you were insane, which would make you more “creative”79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?To go to the college that I go to80: What size shoes do you wear?10 I think. Maybe 10 ½, i’m not sure81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?“Finally”82: What is your favorite word?“Quality”83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.Love???84: What is a saying you say a lot?“Quality”85: What’s the last song you listened to?Easier - Mansionair86: Basic question; what’s your favorite color/colors?Teal87: What is your current desktop picture?A teal-ish design88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?Myself89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?I’m not answering this, because it’ll pretty much give away the answer to the question90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything; they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?I’d probably be super scared, cry a little, then get away from the mummies91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?Shapeshifting92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?I’m sure there’s some good times I want to experience again, but I’m fine with just not reliving any part of my past93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?Can I just erase all of my life before high school, or maybe as far as until three years ago?94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?Ugggghhhh I don’t know95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?I don’t know. I don’t have a desire to go anywhere96: Do you have any relatives in jail?Not that I know of97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?No98: Ever been on a plane?No99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?“I think some people are eavesdropping”

[my-flying-sister-blog]

Where do I send emails to save Girl Meets World?

BAT CALL TO GIRL MEETS WORLD FANDOM!!!!!

i have penned an email to send to whoever we need to send stuff to. hit me up with the appropriate emails... i’ve already sent to Disney’s Nicole Balgemino. Where else are we sending stuff?

Here’s what I have written:

I am writing in response to Girl Meets World's cancellation. I am a 23 year old professional Software Engineer who is an avid Girl Meets World fan. After watching Boy Meets World my entire childhood, I gave Girl Meets World a try and was blown away. I grew up watching Disney Channel shows like Hannah Montana and That's So Raven but none of them ever resonated with me nearly as much as Girl Meets World has as an adult.

Girl Meets World teaches lessons about life, lessons I actually find useful in understanding not only my childhood but my current life. For instance last year, I was going through a hard time and found myself lashing out angrily at a particular friend without really understanding why. In reflection, I realized the situation was very similar to the situation Riley and Maya experienced in Girl Meets Rileytown where Riley lashes out at Maya not because she's angry at Maya but because Maya is the one person she feels safe expressing her anger to. So I, a professional adult, sat down with my friend, another professional adult and literally described the plot of Girl Meets Rileytown. I kid you not. And that is how my friend came to forgive me and we moved forward in our relationship which is happier and healthier today because of it.

Another example of a Girl Meets World episode that resonated with me was Girl Meets STEM. As a female Software Engineer, I make up only 16% of my field. Having lived first hand the experience of what it means to be a woman in STEM, I found Girl Meets STEM a masterful and articulate look into that phenomenon. Yes- this children's TV show gave me, a successful, professional adult woman working the tech industry in the heart of Silicon Valley, insight into my own circumstances. Riley's conversation with Farkle about his actions being unintentionally problematic felt so real to me- it's a conversation I've had so many times in my life. The episode touched on the nuances of women in STEM in a way that even I find hard to articulate. To see my own circumstances reflected was a great feeling, even as an adult. I wish that I had seen more of those sorts of incredible moments on television as a child. I think if more young girls did the tech scene would look very different from how it does today. Geena Davis does a lot of amazing research into gender representation in children's media and how it influences kid's decisions in real life. I don't think it's possible to overestimate its effects.

Girl Meets World presents viewers with complex situations that reflect real life. I wish there had been more programming like this when I was a child and when I have children, I look forward to re-watching Boy Meets World and Girl Meets World with them and using the shows as a platform to have conversations that prepare them for The World.

Girl Meets World's premature cancellation has been upsetting for me because of the value I have found it in beyond it's 22 minute episodes. I write in hopes that perhaps the show might find a new home. It does a great service to its fans- young and old alike.

[anamedblog]

On ’the old crones’, petitions and Ottoman historiography of gender in the last decade

Dr Gülhan Erkaya Balsoy (Associate Professor) and Dr Başak Tuğ (Assistant Professor) are two scholars who have made important contributions in the field of gender in Ottoman history, but they were also ANAMED’s junior fellows during the 2006-2007 academic year. Today, Balsoy and Tuğ are both faculty members at Bilgi University’s Department of History, and their respective PhD theses, which were in part written at ANAMED, have recently been turned into two prominent books. 

Balsoy’s book The Politics of Reproduction in Ottoman Society 1838-1900 was published by Pickering & Chattoo in 2013, later translated into Turkish under the title Kahraman Doktor İhtiyar Acuzeye Karşı: Geç Osmanlı Doğum Politikaları (The Heroic Doctor versus the Old Crone: Late Ottoman Birth Policies), and published by Can Publishing House in 2015. One of the best and most heart-warming developments of last year was that the book received the Yunus Nadi Social Sciences and Research Prize. Tuğ’s book, Politics of Honor in Ottoman Anatolia: Sexual Violence and Socio-Legal Surveillance in the Eighteenth Century is hot off the presses. It was printed by Brill Publishers, and has already become one of the most important resources for examining the 18th century history, which is not particularly well known, especially from the perspective of gender.

In the ANAMED terrace, which is familiar territory for them, we talked with Balsoy and Tuğ about their work, their fellowship years at ANAMED, and the developments that took place since that time in field of Ottoman gender history in Turkey.

Interview: Özge Ertem, ANAMED Editor and Publication Coordinator

Ö.E.: First, I would like to thank you both for agreeing to do this interview. The fact that we are now speaking on ANAMED’s terrace has a pleasant precedent as well. In 2007, when I was yet at the beginning of my PhD studies, I first met ANAMED through one of the “ANAMED Fellowship Mini Symposia” panel sessions, during which you spoke about “Petitions in the Ottoman Empire.” I had come to listen to you, was quite impressed, and learned a lot. Exactly 10 years have passed since. During this time, much has changed in our personal and social history. Of course, your research has also been through a journey. We shall mention these later. I would first like to go back to those days. What sort of an experience was it to be a junior fellow at ANAMED? If ANAMED has made some contribution to your work, what was it?

GB: In my case, it has made a direct contribution. In May 2006, I completed my PhD competency requirement, and I arrived in Turkey to make use of the archives during the summer. (During her fellowship, G.B. was a PhD student in the History Department at Binghamton University.) As I started my PhD dissertation, I had another topic in mind. Later as I got to use the archive, I realized that the topic in question did not excite me, and that I did not want to write about it. Working on gender had always been on my mind, hence everything took place for me right here. Spending time in the archives as though it were a 9 to 5 job was nice indeed, and a great luxury as well. At the time, it may have seemed like a drag, but as you look back, you say “what a pleasant time that was indeed.” All you do is research. Working in this fashion does have its difficulties; but it is possible to beat the loneliness of the research process by chatting, by sharing, by consulting with others who are on the same boat. Academically, it has got that kind of an equivalent. That presentation that you mentioned, I think we did it around April. It was the spring semester, and the major part of my archive work was about finished. I gathered that material and presented it here for the first time. I was not convinced about the presentation until the last minute. Yet, when I think about the preparation itself, and the reactions I got there, I see that ANAMED contributed a lot in terms of shaping my research. But making a debut is quite critical (laughter); you just do not know. For me it was the basis of my PhD thesis, it was the very beginning, and there was nothing before. At the end of one year of research, I wrote the first section of my thesis. That section never ended up in the thesis but served as a scratchpad, a thinking tool. “How will I formulate this, how will I turn those choppy archival documents into a consistent narration, what do I do with them?” It is thanks to this bickering that the thesis could emerge.

B. T.: My situation was a bit different than Gülhan’s because I had come before for my PhD research. (During her fellowship, Başak Tuğ was a New York University PhD student.) My topic was decided on as well. For me, this was more of place where I got my writing process done. I was living here as well; the advantage is that you are here with people night and day, you occasionally “shoot the crap,” but you still get to discuss your topics, you share your writing, at night you sit up, when you need to you work with the others until late hours. We read documents together. For me, the ANAMED Library was the first place where my thesis emerged. Amy Singer was here at the time, one of our senior fellows, and this is what she’d always say to us: “Guys, make the most of this period, afterwards you will never have free time like this.” She was really a hard worker. She would wake up at 8:00 AM, and worked non-stop until 21:00. We followed her example, “let’s work, there won’t be such an opportunity later” we thought. Indeed, in the aftermath we saw that there was no time (laughs). In that sense, it was a very nice and precious time. We had participated in excursions organized by archaeologists, by architectural history experts. While an issue was being discussed, I benefited a lot from hearing comments from people from different disciplines.

G.B.: When I got the scholarship, Donald (the late Professor Donald Quataert) said, “Look, you applied for a scholarship and you got in. You are very lucky, but chances are you are not aware of this. So, make best use of it, as this is a very rare opportunity.” Later, I really understood what he meant. He was right.

Ö.E.: At this point, I would like to move the discussion to your books a bit. While Gülhan focuses more on the birth and health politics of the state in the 19th century; Başak, you focus on the establishment practices of sexuality and gender on the legal and moral plane in the 18th century. As gender historians, one of you is studying the 18th century, and the other the 19th. What do you have to say about the dynamics of working on the gender question at these different periods?

B.T.: As a person who has studied 20th century history, the first years of the republic, in my previous master’s thesis, I decided to work on early modern society, which we can also call the transition period. Previously, we had always read the state through the questions “how does the modern state control, how does it regulate?” Thinking about the early modern society not only creates a great change in terms of sources but also requires moving to another mental plane, requires questioning our own assumptions. Being able to step outside of that framework, and being able to imagine something else has been educational for me. As researchers, as historians who study the early modern period, we have very few materials. With few materials, we work in a field that requires a lot of imagination. Sometimes, I am jealous of the abundance of material in the 19th and 20th centuries (laughter). I had feelings like “I wish there were more materials, I would experience less strain.” But to the contrary, I felt this as well: When you work with such few materials your creativity, your capacity to play with text increases.

G.B.: I agree a lot. I had a dream of gendering history in the context of the 19th century; but in effect, I [we] end up getting stuck on the question of the “nature of the state.” As much as I try to give women voices by looking at the population policy, and try to think about how women can be rendered agency as historical subjects, as a researcher of the 19th century, I end up thinking about the state quite a lot. It is an important hurdle. The documents we use also tend to force this upon us. We use archival documents, which are already prepared from the viewpoint of the state. We try to deal with a narration by questioning the state a bit, yes, asking those questions is valuable. But it becomes quite tricky to get out of that considering that even the material is permeated with the state. Hence, I believe that studying the 17th and 18th centuries could be an advantage to break this hurdle. Therefore, quite to the contrary I am jealous of that aspect sometimes (laughter).

B.T.: But your field does have its advantages.

G.B.: Sure, yes. I mean, abundance of material is a mixed blessing. There’s so much more material; but that same material does occasionally lead to reductionist comments. Or because the material itself is fascinating sometimes wonderful things can emerge as well, at that time one may forget to question. Hence, it’s always a two-sided phenomenon, but the issue of material is always a two-sided phenomenon for the historian anyways.

Ö.E.: In your respective studies, the concept of power holds a prominent place. In between these two periods, what kind of change or continuity can be discussed between power and woman’s body?

B.T.: Certain 19th century historians claim that there are many breaks. The most important thing in the discourse of modernity itself is already the idea that, “revolutions create breaks and everything changes.” But when we look at changes in Ottoman society, especially into the construction of gender, when we consider the reflexes of the state, I think that there’s a great deal of continuity between the 18th and the 19th centuries.

G.B.: In my opinion, the most important claim of the gender concept is that “it makes history different, encourages to think differently.” I agree with Başak, we do see that there is not that much of a radical break between centuries. Using the concept of gender as a tool of analysis reminds us that we cannot really wall up and separate centuries. Hence the materials are different, the issues that we can dig up are a bit different, but gender is a strong concept which reminds one of continuity itself. It also makes it possible to question state controlled understandings of history as well. In that sense, perhaps our biggest advantage comes from the method that we use.

Ö.E.: Gülhan, why does the “heroic doctor face the old crone”? How does “the old crone” cope with this situation, and when a woman is in need which one does she go to? How do you access the woman’s voice while looking for answers to these questions?

G.B.: It was the publishing house that wanted the title, but I liked it too (laughter). This was the subheading of the book. The concept of the old crone is one that 19th century physicians use a lot. It appears especially frequently in Besim Ömer’s books, who is the founder of midwifery, of the education of midwifery: “Dirty, nasty, old, ignorant, understands nothing, causes deaths, feels no remorse…” Besim Ömer draws a gruesome picture of the midwives, and constantly uses the term “crone.” He thinks that young mothers put up with these women only because of ignorance. On the other hand, there’s the concept of the physician who is educated, modern, knowledgeable, conscientious, protective of children, and truly very ideal. Sure, in this context the prototype of the heroic physician is Besim Ömer himself. As the first modern gynecologist, the person who started the education of midwives, who wrote the history of medicine, Besim Ömer embodies all those heroes. That is the irony that I was trying to point out there. As to the midwives, remember when we spoke about sources being limited… finding the voice of the midwives has not always been easy. Archive documents tend to contain indirect things. Because of documents such as şehadetname (testimonial), education and the like, the archives allow us to hear about midwifery, about the regulations relating to the profession rather than the voices of the midwives themselves. But it is still possible to reach a few things relating to the midwives from there. There, a picture much more colorful then Besim Ömer’s black and white portrayal emerges. Midwives sometimes reach compromises amongst themselves, sometimes they do not. On the one hand, the institution of midwifery is being put under regulation through şehadetname documents, but on the other hand, it is exactly because of this regulation that they acquire other advantages. They get to write petitions and request certain things from the state, at times they quarrel amongst themselves. Hence, I think that we can see the dynamism of the day-to-day life rather than a picture where they are completely passive. It must be considered that being a historical subject lies within that dynamism. When we talk about being the subject of history, we historians always try to see major strategies, major resistance, major clamor… Often times, in the story of “ordinary people,” there are situations from daily life, which sometimes involve efforts of adaptation, of deriving benefits, of using something to good account rather than major rebellions, disobedience and the like. And inside this dynamism is the thing called agency. While writing the first thesis, this was a bit of thing I idealized (laughter). I ran a bit into a wall there. Within the chaos in everyday life, there is an area that the historian can see or open a crack in the wall to allow the light to pass through. That’s why, the historian may find something exciting in those tiny beams rather than those massive acts of resistance.

As to the question of the relationship between women and midwives, in the 19th century the number of physicians who are graduates of medical schools is still very low, hence births are for the major part handled by midwives, especially in rural areas. Doctors are prominent only in large urban areas. Practicing midwives acquire the document entitled “şehadetname.” In the beginning—perhaps I can think about it in terms of the evolution of my own historianship—in my own mind there was the notion that “the doctor is worse; the midwife is better.” But especially afterwards, during the study I conducted on the Haseki Hospital, I saw this as well. Women who would otherwise be dead, who underwent difficult labor, are sometimes saved thanks to the intervention of doctors. Hence when this is reduced to “the doctor took total control of the woman’s body, made her passive,” a plain picture emerges there. At that point, I started thinking a bit more about the issue of catching the dynamism of daily life again. There was a case in Haseki Hospital; a woman had failed to give birth for a long time, for 8 days. Her baby died and, later the doctor intervenes with a C-section and manages to save the life of the mother. If a hospital had not been established there, if that physician were not there and if those medical changes did not take place, that woman’s life would most likely not been saved. I think the issue needs to be studied in its various aspects.

Ö.E.: Başak, in the context of your topic, how does the voice of the woman emerge especially in the adultery and rape petitions sent to the Divan? How does the woman herself manifest in the legal space where decisions directly related to her body are taken and precedents take shape? How do law and everyday life intersect or intertwine in the specific case of gender?

B.T.: Because I deal with the issue of law and because I am interested in it, in the thesis and in the book, I highlighted the section on the petitions that the people of the Ottoman Empire and especially women could send in Istanbul. Of course, that is not the only area that women use. In practice, they most frequently use the local “kadı” (Muslim judge) courts. In the petitions, in the relationship established with the state, again there is a usage that we cannot establish upon two oppositions. It is mostly men who enter a relationship with the big “father,” with “the father state.” In general, their voices are stronger there. They have more access to Istanbul. They speak a lot on behalf of women, they submit many petitions that state, “My wife, my daughter has been subjected to violence,” and the like. But, incredibly sometimes women manage to make their voice heard in situations where they cannot make their voices heard locally. The woman does all she can, and insists, and convinces the local court or local administrators to refer her case to the central authority. Hence, we cannot find the autobiography of the woman directly, but we can see that she tries to make her voice heard in other areas and that she is successful. Of course, they are less powerful in the legal area. According to Islamic law, in issues such as equality of the genders, they are already seen as a lower class, but there are also some rights that are being provided by the same Islamic law. They manage to use these rights. That was the thing that was interesting for me; legal rules are nothing, but you need to master the phase concerning how you will play with those rules, how you will use them. Women manage to show this mastery. What is more, which is quite interesting, they show it better because they are powerless. They end up having to act wiser so that they can execute all those maneuvers, because they already have next to nothing to lose. It is not in vain that women today need to act much smarter (laughter). It’s a result of powerlessness.

Ö.E.: You both explain that the establishment of gender is a political issue. You base this on that biology and law are not given categories, that they are in fact areas with extreme conflicts. As historians of gender, when you look at today, does the woman’s body have a similar appearance from the perspective of law and health policies?

G.B.: When considering directly through the topic I am studying, the issue of having children has turned into a very current affair today along with birth-related policies. In 2006, at the time I started researching the issue, the “three-children” policy did not exist. Actually, I did wonder “if it did exist, would I set out to research this?” (laughter). I might have been a bit afraid of the domination of everyday life. This policy became a vivid reminder of the appropriation by political power of a woman’s body and birth. The state of the 19th century and the state of today say “give birth,” but they do not necessarily have to. In fact, states intervene not by saying “give birth” but “do not give birth”—an example being the one-child policy in China—through methods that limit fertility. Not necessarily encouraging birth and fertility, but certain methods of birth, by creating discourses about how to give birth… Debates concerning C-Section, abortion are widespread not only in Turkey but also in the United States. The state intervenes in various ways, sometimes involving daily policies that are in opposition to one another. The intervention itself is an issue with a lot of history.

B.T.: From time to time I also think, but I am against drawing too many parallelisms with today. For example, during the recent debate concerning the draft law on sexual abuse and the age of consent, many references were made to Islamic law via the issues of early marriage and child marriages. Hence a kind of expertise area emerges. “How was it in Islamic law? How is it in modern societies? How is it in terms of human rights?” In my opinion, how it is in terms of human rights should be discussed. I think that the use of an Islamic law debate for legitimizing or criticizing arguments through statements such as “even in Islamic law it is such” or “this was better even in Islamic law” is quite essentialist. We need to be able to conduct those debates without falling into essentialism. Hence, I cannot establish a connection between my field and the debates that are ongoing today. It seems to be that the only parallels we can draw between the 18th century and today, is to point out how much women are being oppressed.

Ö.E.: The two of you have also hosted last year’s Gender History debates at the Tarih Vakfı (The Economic and Social History Foundation of Turkey) where historians who work on gender have delivered great speeches. Based on these, I would like to ask you this question: In the last decade, from the days of your ANAMED fellowship until today, what sorts of developments and changes have taken place in Turkey, in Ottoman gender history? Where have social gender studies come to?

B.T.: When we started, gender studies already existed in Turkey, in sociology and political science. In our field, at least from what we can see from our students, there’s increasing interest in the history of gender. Hence, we are happy. But when we look in terms of departments, ours (Bilgi University’s Department of History) is almost the only department where a two-person majority is studying gender (they laugh). Occasionally, we have students that we would like to refer to other institutions. And when we try to think of “institutions specializing in gender in the historical field,” we cannot find any. Often, we direct students to sociology and to political science. This situation still needs development.

G.B.: Indeed, there are very few, especially in Turkey. But in the world as well the field of gender still sits a bit on the periphery of history. I think in the last decade excellent articles and books have been published. The number of people who work on these issues, the number of interested students increased. I think this is quite important. A lot of road has been covered both in terms of questioning political power, and in terms of gendering history.

B.T.: Only the history of woman is no longer being made.

G.B.: Good studies in woman’s history and biographies have emerged. Its visibility also increased. I am very optimistic on this issue, especially concerning the young generation. The upcoming generation thinks about history differently.

B.T.: There are more people who want to do masculinity studies as well. That’s also an important development.

Ö.E.: Non-Muslim women, women from other classes, there is a lot of research on these groups that has started being published, right?

G.B.: Yes, additionally there is no required course on gender, but if we were to open one I think students would be interested and take it, because during the weeks we cover gender in our Ottoman history courses, even students who are not interested at first, later say they encounter questions they never thought about. And this makes you feel good. My own questions and perspective have also changed in these ten years. When I first started writing the thesis, I was preoccupied with “the subjectivity, strength, voice, visibility of the woman.” Now, I also see that women have had a much stronger potential without necessarily having to shout. It’s not something I discovered, as those people who study social history already point this out, but I now see this much better in terms of my own study. Individuals make tiny tiny choices, and this is where the human being is established. Not necessarily in the major actions that you participate in, but in the trivial things that you do.

Ö.E.: As we wrap up the interview, as ANAMED’s PhD fellows of 10 years ago, what would you like to say to ANAMED’s future junior fellows?

B.T.: They should make the most of their time here. That was a beautiful time. It is an utopic situation. A time that will most likely never occur again.

G.B.: Yes, it was really a great luxury to be able to focus only on your research for a whole year, without having to teach, without having to work. They should enjoy it. Later, especially when teaching starts, unfortunately there’s never such free time.

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Image caption Geri Horner: “”

It’s 20 years since Geri Horner (then Halliwell) strode onto the Brits stage in her Union Jack dress in one of the defining images of the 1990s.

To mark the anniversary, the singer is hosting a BBC Two documentary on the decade, looking at her own journey from Turkish game show host to globe-straddling, Nelson Mandela-cuddling pop phenomenon.

It’s called Geri’s 1990s: My Drive to Freedom – referring to the 1967 open-topped sports car she bought with her first “fat pay cheque” from Virgin Records.

Ahead of the broadcast this Saturday, the star sat down with BBC News to reflect on the decade that changed her life.

Along the way, she reveals the creative tensions that split up the Spice Girls, her first meeting with George Michael and her time as a Turkish TV show hostess.

Media captionGeri Horner recalls her first Spice Girls pay cheque

What struck you most about the 1990s while making the documentary?

it was a really good reminder of how much influence that decade had on my life. It was brilliant in every way – musically, culturally, politically. There was so much colour and creativity. Britain felt like the centre of the universe at that moment.

You turned 18 in 1990, and almost immediately had surgery to remove a lump in your breast…

Yes, I had a little scare. [The lump turned out not to be cancerous]

That’s not something most teenagers have to confront. How did it change your life? Did it make you more ambitious?

I think it was something else that put the petrol in my tank. I was always ambitious, but my dad died when I was quite young. He’d always been very encouraging of my career, and when he died not only did I experience the loss of a parent, but also my own mortality. You suddenly think: “Oh God, life’s here and you’ve just got to go for it”. That, for me, was a defining moment.

Image copyright PA

Image caption The Spice Girls stole the show at the 1997 Brit Awards

For the next couple of years, you tried your hand at modelling and TV presenting. Were you just looking for the best way to get a break?

Two things happened: I went back to college to study English Literature – but to subsidise that, I had to take lots of little jobs.

One of them, I was a game show hostess in Turkey. The show was a bit like The Price is Right, and I would go to Turkey and do that. I had all these random jobs, but what they ultimately were for, was to fund me going into the studio.

I remember the guy said it would cost 300 to get my demo tape together. I’d written one song myself and the other was a cover of the song A Lover’s Holiday.

What was your song called?

It was called Live to Love. It was pretty crap.

You auditioned for the Spice Girls after answering a newspaper advert. How many times had you been through that process?

Oh, I’d tried loads and loads of different things. All sorts of random stuff. And there were some dodgy things, believe me.

The band got huge very quickly. It’s amazing to think that the period between Wannabe and you leaving wasn’t even two years. What’s your memory of that period?

When you’re in the middle of it, you just sort of get on with it. I liked being part of a group. The camaraderie. It was a lot of fun.

It got quite hysterical – the paparazzi, the screaming fans, the constant tabloid stories. Was fame what you had dreamt it would be?

What you think about something and what it turns out to be is never going to be quite the same. Some bits are better, some bits are not. But it was a very happy, fun, full-on experience.

Media captionGeri says Girl Power was ‘more palatable’ than feminism

In the documentary, you talk about Girl Power being a less threatening way to discuss feminism.

Twenty years ago, if you said the word feminism, you thought of those bra-burning, marching protestors. It was quite tough and harsh.

For me, Girl Power was a much more punchy way of saying it. But actually, Girl Power embodies much more than a gender. It’s about everybody. Everybody deserves the same treatment, whatever race you are, gender you are, age you are. Everybody deserves a voice.

It was just saying that in a very digestible way.

There was a clip that went viral last year, where the band had a blazing row with a director who wanted you to show more cleavage.

Oh, I saw that, when I told the bloke to zip it!

Do you know what? I didn’t actually take that very personally. Sometimes people just need reminding that we have to be respectful. He’s just being a bit silly. He needs reminding what’s what.

I was interested to hear you talk about songwriting earlier, because it’s rarely discussed that that Spice Girls have writing credits on all of their singles. Do you think that’s been overlooked?

I feel incredibly proud to have been part of the writing. I’ve always loved lyric-writing, and melodies – so if it gets recognised, fantastic.

What’s the song you’re proudest of?

I’m proud of my solo album – the first one I did – because it was so honest.

If you listen to Lift Me Up, I was really inspired by the Carpenters. On the bridge, where I sing “it’s going to be alright”, I was trying to the way Karen’s voice would go really low and then soar up again.

But then I also love Wannabe. It’s a very confident song.

Image copyright Getty Images

Image caption The Spice Girls hits included Stop, Wannabe, Say You’ll Be There and Spice Up Your Life

You had to fight for Wannabe to be your first single, didn’t you?

Really fight for it.

Why was that?

Nobody wanted it. The record company didn’t want it. Management didn’t want it. And I can understand the hesitation. It was not the coolest.

But the best song to me is when you instinctively like it – not because it’s cool, not because it’s what the latest fad is. You just connect to it.

The advantage of Wannabe being uncool was that, when Say You’ll Be There came out people suddenly sat up and said, “wait a minute, there’s more to this band than we assumed”.

And we always knew it could only ever be that way round. I had faith in it and Emma had faith in it.

Looking back, would you stand by your decision to quit the band?

Erm Would I have left? It depends.

They wanted to make an R&B album. Am I a big R&B fan? Not really. I’m a pop writer. I felt comfortable in that genre and it felt completely alien to me to sing in that R&B style. My departure almost set them free a bit, and allowed them to make that album [Forever, recorded with Rodney Jerkins].

So I don’t regret it. Part of life is change.

Image copyright PA

Image caption The singer struck up a friendship with her idol, George Michael

You became friends with George Michael around that time. What are you memories of him?

I always had sort of a crush on him, so when I met him I just thought, “wow!”.

Most of all, I admired him as an artist, for his music but also, I just think he was a really kind, good person.

I filmed the documentary before he died – but I talk about him, and now that [section] has become really sad and poignant. He was just such a generous, kind, loving being.

Your new son is called Montague George Hector Horner. Is that partly in his honour?

Yeah, it was my mother’s idea. Because she was very fond of George and he really loved my mum. He went to her wedding!

I had a month [of pregnancy] to go after George died and when Monty was born, mum said, “why don’t you give him George’s name?”. And I thought, “oh that’s really sweet.”

After you left The Spice Girls, you worked for several years as a UN spokesperson. I get the feeling that changed you as a person.

I tell you what – it puts it all in perspective. You realise how lucky we are to live in a country like this. We have an NHS – I know we complain about it, but we have one. We have a support system for the unemployed. There is a structure here that supports. And there is a freedom that some countries do not have.

Image copyright Getty Images

Image caption The star lobbied to play a Bond girl in the late 1990s

Another thing you did after the Spice Girls was you attended drama school.

Yeah! You’ve really done your research!

And then you auditioned for Bond?

Actually, they just called me in for a chat. They didn’t give me the part. I don’t think I was up their street.

But you did end up with a cameo in Sex and the City.

Oh my God, that was amazing. That was amazing! I had to properly audition for it. They were very strict, because it was all about comedy timing and very tightly scripted. But I think I got more kudos from doing that than anything else. My girlfriends were so excited I was in that.

Image copyright Getty Images

Image caption The Spice Girls sold more than 85 million records and performed for royalty

You’re working on a solo album right now. How is that going?

I wrote the majority of the album when I was pregnant and it’s really coming together now.

Having children has inspired some great records – Madonna’s Ray of Light, Neneh Cherry’s Raw Like Sushi

Do you know what? I felt this surge of creativity when I was pregnant. And you’re much more emotional – my feelings were really on tap.

But this album – it’s just so different. I feel like I’ve jumped over to the other side. When you’re a certain genre, like the pop genre, it’s like being 12 and to get to the other side, to grow up and be comfortable, has taken me a while. But I feel like I’ve finally done it.

When do we get to hear it?

I’m really, really hopeful that it’s this side of the summer. That would be really nice. I’d be really happy to share it.

Geri’s 1990s: My Drive to Freedom is on BBC Two at 21:00 GMT this Saturday, 11 March, as part of the BBC’s My Generation series.

Follow us on Facebook, on Twitter @BBCNewsEnts, or on Instagram at bbcnewsents. If you have a story suggestion email entertainment.news@bbc.co.uk.

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Geri Horner: Why my son is named after George Michael – BBC News

Image caption Geri Horner: “”

It’s 20 years since Geri Horner (then Halliwell) strode onto the Brits stage in her Union Jack dress in one of the defining images of the 1990s.

To mark the anniversary, the singer is hosting a BBC Two documentary on the decade, looking at her own journey from Turkish game show host to globe-straddling, Nelson Mandela-cuddling pop phenomenon.

It’s called Geri’s 1990s: My Drive to Freedom – referring to the 1967 open-topped sports car she bought with her first “fat pay cheque” from Virgin Records.

Ahead of the broadcast this Saturday, the star sat down with BBC News to reflect on the decade that changed her life.

Along the way, she reveals the creative tensions that split up the Spice Girls, her first meeting with George Michael and her time as a Turkish TV show hostess.

Media captionGeri Horner recalls her first Spice Girls pay cheque

What struck you most about the 1990s while making the documentary?

it was a really good reminder of how much influence that decade had on my life. It was brilliant in every way – musically, culturally, politically. There was so much colour and creativity. Britain felt like the centre of the universe at that moment.

You turned 18 in 1990, and almost immediately had surgery to remove a lump in your breast…

Yes, I had a little scare. [The lump turned out not to be cancerous]

That’s not something most teenagers have to confront. How did it change your life? Did it make you more ambitious?

I think it was something else that put the petrol in my tank. I was always ambitious, but my dad died when I was quite young. He’d always been very encouraging of my career, and when he died not only did I experience the loss of a parent, but also my own mortality. You suddenly think: “Oh God, life’s here and you’ve just got to go for it”. That, for me, was a defining moment.

Image copyright PA

Image caption The Spice Girls stole the show at the 1997 Brit Awards

For the next couple of years, you tried your hand at modelling and TV presenting. Were you just looking for the best way to get a break?

Two things happened: I went back to college to study English Literature – but to subsidise that, I had to take lots of little jobs.

One of them, I was a game show hostess in Turkey. The show was a bit like The Price is Right, and I would go to Turkey and do that. I had all these random jobs, but what they ultimately were for, was to fund me going into the studio.

I remember the guy said it would cost 300 to get my demo tape together. I’d written one song myself and the other was a cover of the song A Lover’s Holiday.

What was your song called?

It was called Live to Love. It was pretty crap.

You auditioned for the Spice Girls after answering a newspaper advert. How many times had you been through that process?

Oh, I’d tried loads and loads of different things. All sorts of random stuff. And there were some dodgy things, believe me.

The band got huge very quickly. It’s amazing to think that the period between Wannabe and you leaving wasn’t even two years. What’s your memory of that period?

When you’re in the middle of it, you just sort of get on with it. I liked being part of a group. The camaraderie. It was a lot of fun.

It got quite hysterical – the paparazzi, the screaming fans, the constant tabloid stories. Was fame what you had dreamt it would be?

What you think about something and what it turns out to be is never going to be quite the same. Some bits are better, some bits are not. But it was a very happy, fun, full-on experience.

Media captionGeri says Girl Power was ‘more palatable’ than feminism

In the documentary, you talk about Girl Power being a less threatening way to discuss feminism.

Twenty years ago, if you said the word feminism, you thought of those bra-burning, marching protestors. It was quite tough and harsh.

For me, Girl Power was a much more punchy way of saying it. But actually, Girl Power embodies much more than a gender. It’s about everybody. Everybody deserves the same treatment, whatever race you are, gender you are, age you are. Everybody deserves a voice.

It was just saying that in a very digestible way.

There was a clip that went viral last year, where the band had a blazing row with a director who wanted you to show more cleavage.

Oh, I saw that, when I told the bloke to zip it!

Do you know what? I didn’t actually take that very personally. Sometimes people just need reminding that we have to be respectful. He’s just being a bit silly. He needs reminding what’s what.

I was interested to hear you talk about songwriting earlier, because it’s rarely discussed that that Spice Girls have writing credits on all of their singles. Do you think that’s been overlooked?

I feel incredibly proud to have been part of the writing. I’ve always loved lyric-writing, and melodies – so if it gets recognised, fantastic.

What’s the song you’re proudest of?

I’m proud of my solo album – the first one I did – because it was so honest.

If you listen to Lift Me Up, I was really inspired by the Carpenters. On the bridge, where I sing “it’s going to be alright”, I was trying to the way Karen’s voice would go really low and then soar up again.

But then I also love Wannabe. It’s a very confident song.

Image copyright Getty Images

Image caption The Spice Girls hits included Stop, Wannabe, Say You’ll Be There and Spice Up Your Life

You had to fight for Wannabe to be your first single, didn’t you?

Really fight for it.

Why was that?

Nobody wanted it. The record company didn’t want it. Management didn’t want it. And I can understand the hesitation. It was not the coolest.

But the best song to me is when you instinctively like it – not because it’s cool, not because it’s what the latest fad is. You just connect to it.

The advantage of Wannabe being uncool was that, when Say You’ll Be There came out people suddenly sat up and said, “wait a minute, there’s more to this band than we assumed”.

And we always knew it could only ever be that way round. I had faith in it and Emma had faith in it.

Looking back, would you stand by your decision to quit the band?

Erm Would I have left? It depends.

They wanted to make an R&B album. Am I a big R&B fan? Not really. I’m a pop writer. I felt comfortable in that genre and it felt completely alien to me to sing in that R&B style. My departure almost set them free a bit, and allowed them to make that album [Forever, recorded with Rodney Jerkins].

So I don’t regret it. Part of life is change.

Image copyright PA

Image caption The singer struck up a friendship with her idol, George Michael

You became friends with George Michael around that time. What are you memories of him?

I always had sort of a crush on him, so when I met him I just thought, “wow!”.

Most of all, I admired him as an artist, for his music but also, I just think he was a really kind, good person.

I filmed the documentary before he died – but I talk about him, and now that [section] has become really sad and poignant. He was just such a generous, kind, loving being.

Your new son is called Montague George Hector Horner. Is that partly in his honour?

Yeah, it was my mother’s idea. Because she was very fond of George and he really loved my mum. He went to her wedding!

I had a month [of pregnancy] to go after George died and when Monty was born, mum said, “why don’t you give him George’s name?”. And I thought, “oh that’s really sweet.”

After you left The Spice Girls, you worked for several years as a UN spokesperson. I get the feeling that changed you as a person.

I tell you what – it puts it all in perspective. You realise how lucky we are to live in a country like this. We have an NHS – I know we complain about it, but we have one. We have a support system for the unemployed. There is a structure here that supports. And there is a freedom that some countries do not have.

Image copyright Getty Images

Image caption The star lobbied to play a Bond girl in the late 1990s

Another thing you did after the Spice Girls was you attended drama school.

Yeah! You’ve really done your research!

And then you auditioned for Bond?

Actually, they just called me in for a chat. They didn’t give me the part. I don’t think I was up their street.

But you did end up with a cameo in Sex and the City.

Oh my God, that was amazing. That was amazing! I had to properly audition for it. They were very strict, because it was all about comedy timing and very tightly scripted. But I think I got more kudos from doing that than anything else. My girlfriends were so excited I was in that.

Image copyright Getty Images

Image caption The Spice Girls sold more than 85 million records and performed for royalty

You’re working on a solo album right now. How is that going?

I wrote the majority of the album when I was pregnant and it’s really coming together now.

Having children has inspired some great records – Madonna’s Ray of Light, Neneh Cherry’s Raw Like Sushi

Do you know what? I felt this surge of creativity when I was pregnant. And you’re much more emotional – my feelings were really on tap.

But this album – it’s just so different. I feel like I’ve jumped over to the other side. When you’re a certain genre, like the pop genre, it’s like being 12 and to get to the other side, to grow up and be comfortable, has taken me a while. But I feel like I’ve finally done it.

When do we get to hear it?

I’m really, really hopeful that it’s this side of the summer. That would be really nice. I’d be really happy to share it.

Geri’s 1990s: My Drive to Freedom is on BBC Two at 21:00 GMT this Saturday, 11 March, as part of the BBC’s My Generation series.

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