#yes its raining and the moon is shining at the same time

[jorvikpov]

It is a beautiful day. The sun is soon to return; the pale, cloudless sky is brighter than yesterday, just as it was brighter yesterday than the day before. The trees stand almost unmoving, for the wind is strangely absent even in this seaside town, and the moon rests low but bright on the northwestern horizon. The chill of midwinter nips at your cheeks, reaching even into the furthest, warmest corner of the stables.

It is a beautiful day, and yet you are not quite present.

You have tried for some time to reconnect with reality. There’s little to do other than bide your time, and during your seemingly neverending wait, you have attempted to find your footing again. You cannot. The more you try, the more you are drawn towards the great abyss on the other side of the dam. The more you are drawn to it, the more you think that the dam might have to break—that maybe it is inevitable. The more you think of it as inevitable, the more you find that you don’t mind the idea much. It calls to you. It would be so easy to give in. Today, you feel it pulling you towards it more than ever before, and you know that it is your final calling. Every string tugging on your heart leads there. You still do not know what the abyss holds. It scares you. Still, you must find out.

You weave your hands into your horse’s mane. It’s warm, and it feels like home. If only for a moment, the world feels a little lighter on your shoulders. The walls of the dam surround you, so close now that you needn’t even reach out a hand to feel the cold, hard stone pressing against you, and it is easy to lean towards the abyss. It is easy to lean a little bit further, and then another little bit, and another, until you feel like you can almost see beyond the dam. Nothing happens. The stone presses against every inch of your skin. You breathe a sigh of relief and lean further forward.

Deep in your soul, something cracks.

Hold on, my friend.

Everything is quiet. Neither dark nor light. Neither warm nor cold. Neither real nor unreal. You wonder if this truly was the end of you. If this is what ceasing to be feels like. Perfectly still and peaceful. An eternity in nothingness. Yes—that is it: you have become nothing. You are nothing, and you exist nowhere.

And then, you burst open.

Everything is you. You are the mountains and the valleys. The shining, singing ice of the frozen rivers and the water still flowing deep below. Every horse whose hooves ever thundered over Jorvik’s soft, green grass. Every star in the sky, the sun and moon, and the storm on the horizon. Every root deep in the dirt and rock of the island. You know why you never stopped longing. You know why the ache in your heart never ceased, even when it wasn’t clear what was calling to you. You know at long last why you came to Jorvik. It is you coursing through the roots and it is your magic surging through the island, for it was you who created it long, long ago, back when you and your horse were truly one and the same. You gave yourself up, then, and it gave Jorvik life. You are still giving it life with every breath you take, and now, it breathes life into you in return.

You open your eyes and peer into the abyss. It is full of you—or, rather, it is you. Deep within, there is a vision. Its very essence sets it apart from the world, and suddenly, the idea of your visions disconnecting you from reality feels strange. Foreign, almost. You hardly understand how it could ever happen when the difference between them is this plain, and yet you understand more than ever that they are both real: the distinction between them isn’t that of truth and falsehood, but that between the present moment and a memory. You reach out to the vision, wind it around your fingers until the string tightens, and tug it closer.

(Rain pelts your skin. Something dark is growing; it isn’t too close, nor is it all too far away. Off the coast, evil hangs heavy over the ocean. Your opponents grow stronger and stronger by the day, only waiting for the right moment to strike. They won’t wait for much longer. It is almost time.)

The vision passes, and everything is real. Your small, fragile, human body lies collapsed over your horse’s warm shape, and your breathing is deeper and slower than you ever thought possible. Your fingers are still woven into your horse’s mane. It is still warm. Still feels like coming home. The hay beneath you is warm and dry against your legs, and a few straws prick through the fabric of your trousers, poking and stinging your skin. Someone gallops by outside the stables, snow flurrying around the horse’s thundering hooves. The snow glitters with the pale, blue-purplish colour of the sky for a moment, and when it falls and settles, it joins the rest of the island’s snow in glowing, almost shining, in the gentle light. Stillness lies all over the island, but it feels closer to restlessness than to peace; almost like Jorvik is holding its breath.

You turn your head, feeling something damp where your cheek lay just a moment ago; when you raise a hand to your face, you catch a falling tear on your knuckle. Your horse lifts its head slowly, and in the kind, dark eye facing you, you see the same recognition that you know your horse sees in both of yours.

Though you are nowhere near any primeval root or tree that you know of, the blood running through your veins is buzzing with their warmth. In this moment, you feel untouchable. The midwinter chill nips at your damp cheeks, and yet you do not freeze. Danger and darkness loom closer overhead than ever before, and yet you are not afraid, for you know what is to come.

Jorvik called to you for a reason. Now, you must only listen and follow, and finish what you once started.

[melted-sweets]

♡ ── “ VALENTINES DAY . . . ” | 1/?

Felicity:

Alright… If you ever think she will be excited about the day of love, you can tell that she is… Exploding like a star somewhere in the galaxy as she is very excited about this special day with you…

Other than that, this (quite a) mischievous court jester has some… Bunch of plans and revisions of it that it ended being only 2 plans that were made it… Yeah, you can tell that she is absolutely would go to extreme lengths of making this day a fantastic memory to remember!

Without further ado, It is time to reveal the first plan… And is… Baking but this is not an ordinary baking experience but more like… “MAKE MORE, MORE SWEETS!”

And you want to guess what happened next on the baking section? Sweet shenanigans, of course! And why is that? Because Masky Feels decided if it would be funny to join with you guys and it all ended with 50% success and 50% of a mess! What a 50/50 ratio right there!

Now, to the second plan is a bit more normal than whatever that you guys have committed… And that is… Going to a carnival!

She thought that it would be quite a fun time to spent together on Valentine’s Day as carnival dates on Masky Feels’ kingdom is always up to date with the national holidays which makes it a little bit more exciting, fun and unique other than the mini games and so much more (It’s kinda inspired from Penacony from Honkai Star Rail for the major aesthetic of Masky Feel’ kingdom as it’s the kingdom of entertainment)!

From the roller coaster to the mini games, you can tell that she is having fun with it despite her being an adult (in appearance) since these are usually done by families who wants to entertain their children but hey, everyone of all ages can enjoy it, right?

And so… Once the sunset is almost passed and the moon shall be shining, you decided that in order to remember of all these fun times that were refreshing for you and her, a photo shot shall do the trick and kaboom! You get a fantastic photo of you and your silly partner on this romantic day…

After that day had to come to an end, you and her decided to make it being a matching profile picture somewhere in a chatting app and now, you officially got the “silly person x their better half” thingy going around you guys!

Though… As she is a renowned court jester, there would be someone who would have got you and her on a date which is going to be… Something else once you opened the news section on your phone or get yourself a newspaper and see the rumor section… Oh dear!

Ayama:

As she is an alter ego of Felicity, things are going to be very different, seriously.

Like she is just… Straightforward, serious and stoic most of the time but there were those times where she just… Lower her guard a little bit… For you. Yes, you.

And why is that? Because you are her… Darling, honey, dearest and more words that she literally called you and yes, it may sounded cringy but she’s an old lad despite her appearance of a young adult woman on her 20s so of course, she’s going through the “old love” route.

Anyways, as for her plan is… Pretty much simple as what it is such as taking a walk on a park on the day as she feels like it would be working just fine… As she would put it and since she lived in the same kingdom as Felicity… Things would be a bit noisy especially since you have entered the world of entertainment where everyone can have their fun and simply enjoy their life while it’s on the blast!

As for going to a park plan, it… Kinda work I supposed… I mean… It did started raining shortly after both of you entered the famous park for its greenery and other stuff… Welp, be glad that Ayama prepared absolutely everything so you can able to protect yourself from the rain by her umbrella.

“Quite unexpected, isn’t it?” She said as her glimmering eyes with those teardrop pupils looked at you, still no smile but there is a light on the both of her eyes… Unlike Felicity.

“Yeah… I’m glad that you bring your umbrella with you because otherwise, we would get wet for good!” You replied, as you and her carefully taking your steps on the park as (almost) everyone is simply minding their business… Except for those who are… A fan of Ayama… Another “uh oh” moment right there!

“Omg, is that her?!”

“Mom, look! It’s the lady that I talked about from a few days ago!”

“Wow… She still looks so elegant… Even on a rainy day like this!”

Ahh, those voices that she always heard every time… How fantastically repetitive it is for her ears.

“Wait a minute… Why is she with another person? Are they dating or something?”

“Ahhh! I wished I can have a nice walk just like Ayama and that lucky person with her~!”

“Wow… I never seen Miss Ayama with someone rather than Miss Felicity so this is new stuff!”

Welp… Here we go again.

“Ugh…” Ayama got annoyed by the fame that she is receiving at this point, it feels like she has stuck in a place where the public eye is watching her every move and she doesn’t want that in the first place but of course, there’s gotta be some people can’t simply listen about someone’s boundaries which makes things just seem so… Shitty.

“Are you alright, Ayama?” You said, hearing her getting more annoyed about the people who is… Watching them at this moment.

“Dear, hold my hand.” She whispered softly, her voice is quite smooth as honey when she said that.

“Sure…” You said as you hold her hand and so, she quickly yet swiftly run away from the crowd as everything is starting to get so… Dizzy to the point that you wanted to pass out but a magic trick have appeared by Ayama that makes both of you run as fast as possible.

After that fast run, you managed to come back to the kingdom once again but sadly, you passed out as the dizziness has taken over you… Ayama can’t help but sighs as her plan has completely… Failed, miserably.

But hey, at the very least… She can able to spend some time with you on this day as the time shall keep going and everything shall vanished, soon… And she can’t help but will feel the loneliness once again if she ever loses you.

[famouslastwrdz]

turns out i ask and the world listens. two best friends outside my window, bad aim to throw a pack of cigarettes and a little zombie into my room. we talk about circuses, and gas masks, sperm donation. a bad imitation of filling a turkey baster ensues. an angel in my dms, metaphorical hands outstretched through the screen, asking feathersoft about who i have to care for me, do i need the company. i lay my phone down and cry, sober. heard and loved and cared for and understood.

i bless people a lot, always a martyr and never a saint. but sometimes i say bless you to someone and mean it with everything, every bead on my rosary, feather on my altar, every blood cell that passes through my heart and into my limbs and thumbs that type the words on this blog.

blessed are those who open their arms to the falling, the hopeless, the drunks and failures. blessed are the hands that type a message, throw a cig, hold a phone. blessed by the mother and the saints are those who care, and love, and see, and reach to help. blessed by god are the souls that understand.

bled more whiskey than blood- and in that single phrase i know i am understood. the nights ive sat here, sick with it, diluting cheap drink with tears and blood and the gasping pain that comes with being alone.  and yet i can open my phone and my heart and there will be someone there. we met by chance and yet the residual catholic in me speaks of fate, of angels whose wings are only visible in bluelight conversation, blog comments and silent likes. and i would be the same for you, would always be the same should the time call for it, would hold you from afar as well as i can and patch whatever wound that words can reach.

and to the moon - those pits of horror are becoming potholes to me with every word, every identical laugh, every exclamation of "GOUT!!" that the wind can take from us. ive held your hair back and youve held me crying, and we will laugh together until we crumble to dust. we will always laugh even when we have nothing else.

and the partner to the moon, another star in the skyline that becomes visible to me with every passing week- you are your own star. you are so bright and your laugh is infectious whether its as you gesticulate about dolphins or complain about wiring. your eyes have a depth and a light to them that they never did before, and when you smile or speak or just sit silent i am watching that light grow. you are not, and never will be, the darkness you came out of. i love you. i love you dearly, friend, and its a privilege to have that love in the air between us. its a privilege to know you and have watched you grow and become who you are, long hair and longer patience, you funny thing.

and you- yes, you, over the ocean. what we had for a while was marvellous.  the things i have to say to you are lost at sea, and in penance's angry grief, and in the depths of that attic. but where there is mourning, there is sentiment. keep off the coke, i hate you for it. making my clowns cry n shit. and stop making me sound like a DID faker you irritating creature, really pissed red off with that one. but i still go to see your empty at the circus and tweak his little hat and put a penny in the wrists of his threadbare gloves that are still too small despite constant wear. you will be found. i no longer hope it rains when you marry; i wrote a long time ago about breaking off from greens and purples and i am making my peace with my own writing. i hope the sun shines and its a good temperature and you both settle happily. genuinely, this time. dont fuck it up.

and to the clown in my own head that reads this blog when he thinks im away- god has blessed you with healing hands.  you bandage my stigmata and twist to salve my back, and cut plasters to fit the curves of raw knuckles. you pray when i forget to, and you are a home for the hopeless. you sing hymns to me when you believe me asleep, and place heavy palms over my hands when i stir. father verne west, you are more than your brothers. you are more than your calling. you are sent from the holy and you do god's work as it was always meant to be done. you are blessed. i know that tonight i will switch uncontrollably as i sit in the dark, and you will return to hold that space. just know that i see what you do, and i love you. you claim this to be your cross when i cant hear you,  and if it is then i will pad the wood for your comfort if i cant get you down from it.

doubtless i'll return here for sadder things, and soon, but for now things feel warmer.

i call, and the world returns. kyrie eleison,  and the christe eleison waits in the dark for me. may angels guide and bless you all

[thedragonchilde]

G Gundam notes/meta, starting with episode 12-16:

This whole thing is partly crack and partly me taking G Gundam more seriously than intended - but honestly if they didn't want me to deep-dive into this stupid fighting robot show they shouldn't have given us such charming characters and hot-blooded pathos and just enough reminders between fights that their world is actually pretty screwed up and these kiddos have seen some shit.

(disclaimer: this is based on the dub)

"He's The Undefeated of the East! Master Asia Appears"

-what exactly was Domon doing during the year that Master was in the last Gundam Fight?

-fucking-- I had to take off a headphone at Domon's sobbing, I forgot how wrenching that is to listen to

-and yet we the audience, like Rain, also get the first real glimpse of him being happy and relaxed when with Master, which is sad in its own way

"Big Trouble! Domon vs. Big 5"

-in a higher rated anime, Chibodee's "that really hurt!" would've been "son of a bitch!", the tone of voice in the delivery says it all

-actually in general there are some great line deliveries in these episodes, you can tell this is when they really start grasping their characters

-a sign that something's really up with the guys, Argo is never that talkative 😛

-Domon trusting that Rain is doing the smart thing (and Rain very much not doing that)

-man, D/R is such a yo-yo. You get big moments like the joint Shining Finger in between the sniping status quo with no build-up. Like, at least retain the "stronger together" lesson so we don't have deja vu every time you're sweet.

"Shocking! Shining Finger Defeated!" / "Warrior's Crest! Goodbye, Shuffle Alliance"

-y'know, they paint Rain as the sane one, but she jumps into shit as easily as Domon

-George has the phallic sword this time

-dangit, Master, you almost had Domon and then you had to go and attack civilians. You should've known better than that

-as I've probably said before of Domon, this poor stupid boy has been through so damn much with no reprieve

-I wonder how many people became DG zombies

-for some reason I like the idea that Master and Black Joker are exes. I think it's one of those things that imprinted on me as a teen

-although I love that multiple people have independently decided that Master's Shuffle Alliance was a straight up polycule

-need more of that shuffle team in general tbh

-need more of how the shuffles fucking work

-Joker and Jack can get it, and I bet the other two were good looking in their youth as well (addendum: looked up art from the prequel manga, and the answer is yes, they can all get it)

"Ultimate Power and Evil! Rise of the Devil Gundam"

-"the same powers of life as our own" the implications!! Did they always have this power?

-oh, they have no memories of the possession

-George is a troll

-the implications of what the guys did while possessed??

-"you suggest a duel?" actually YOU did, George. AFTER insulting him. Just say you wanna fight, don't play games about it

-I love Nastasha as de facto leader of the crews

-Pretty Soldier Schwarz Bruder with his Moon Tiara

-the first appearance of Leeroy Jenkins Crockett, just charging at Master and getting his ass immediately handed to him

-was that just a visual shortcut to keep Spiegel a mystery or does it actually have camouflage capabilities

-"tell me who you are" he just did though? What you mean is "why are you helping me"

-okay, Rain comforting Domon while he has a BSoD about Kyoji is actually a nice little quiet moment. It would drive things home better if we actually got more substantial with their childhood friendship

[themarginalthinker]

Hi,

How's the holiday going?

Still can't get over this thing was Jen and Fen.

They sound so sweet, hope I see them in fic soon. so few questions -

Were they married before vampirism?

How did they meet?

Were the hometowns and families ok with their sexualities (homophobic neighborhood or family)?

Did they want kids when not kindred? Did any of your ocs have kids?

Are any of your characters neurodivergent, what do they think of neurodivergence (I know canonically Nosferatu are quite welcoming over them and even sire from them. Except Kaiser is a dick)?

Lastly what do your nossies think of rabbits? Had to ask that question as I'm a bunblr.

Lastly question for you-

What pets do you like or have?

Sorry for 20 questions here :b

Omg lmaoo every day I see yall slide into my dms and I'm like 'ok, how close much can I infodump about my insane little ocs before I spoiler my own story XD'

(My vacation is going well! Excited for fireworks tomorrow WOOO (even though America is doing very, very little for us to be actually proud of.. -_-)

I think...I shall give you a little sliver of an excerpt from their meeting fic/chapter (haven't decided yet if it's going to be its own thing, or if it will just be a non-Charlie pov chapter yet):

The water was more than mud and rain. In the back of his throat, he can taste blood, but God only knew if that was from coughing up bits of his insides when the gas hit, or if it was the gaping, seeping wound the shrapnel had left.

At least it's not raining now, Fen thinks, staring up from his twisted position. The stars, Lord bless them all, were out and shining brighter than he thinks he's ever seen them.

It figures, one could only find this beauty at the bottom of a trench.

And it is because the sky is so clear, and the stars so vivid, and the moon hiding behind her black veil this time of the month, that he sees the outline of a figure pass over them, at the top of the embankment wall.

Walking in the no-man's land.

;)

-

Jen and Fen were both single when they met. The both of them probably knew by the point they were embraced that they...likely were never going to be men who married. 'Life-long bachelors', a nice way to say it (and in those days, plausible deniability...) Jen especially, given that he was living in rural Appalachia when he was alive (I'm thinking West Virginia, the heart of the coal mining industry in America even today). Their families knew nothing of their preferences towards the same sex, given that sex at all was wasn't discussed outside of what was totally necessary.

One of my ocs has had a child, and was married before they became a Kindred. It's a rather large point of contention in their backstory, but oh, I shan't say who ;>

As far as neurodivergence goes, if you weren't before you were embraced, well buddy, get fuckin ready for THAT experience afterwards lmao. But more practically, yes, I do. My first ever vtm oc Rigby Bennet the Malkavian was schizoaffective and likely on the autism spectrum before being embraced, but had managed to do some university schooling before he met his sire...and things went downhill... I think Nos, Malks, and Gangrel tend to pull from the 'looked over' branches of society, knowing that it could be a chance at a new life, even a reprieve in some ways from the harshness of mainstream society. Not to mention, they're already seen as on the fringes of even Kindred society. I think certain clans tend to group together, even going so far as cohabitating in certain cases. Zephyr has what the others refer to as 'her Malks' which is that she specifically cultivates relations in the local Malk clan of the city. She enjoys hanging out with them, and hey, even disjointed information is still information.

This is also a whole other rant I could go on, but I think in a sense, some clans handle the fact that neurodivergence doesn't magically go away with Embrace, or that is exists at all, better than others.

Sorry if this isn't very coherent, it's early lol.

Do my Nossies think of bunnies:

-Charlie: thinks they're very cute and soft!! She loved holding them when she went to the state fair with her Dad! However...now, she may decide they are good for a monch. BUT ONLY IF THEY'RE NOT SOMEONE'S PET!!!

-Blue: ....well. They're cute. Why are they here though? Are we ghouling rabbits now? Doesn't seem like the most economic animal to add to the hoards, but sure...

-Tweak is Concerned that there's so many types. Why? It's just rabbits! NO CHARLIE, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT THEIR SPECIFIC COLOR COMBINATIONS ARE CALLED, STOP-

-Zephyr: has ghouled the rabbits and has sent them in a flood to chase Tweak. Look at him run. >:3

-

As for my pets: I currently only have an outdoor cat, but we used to have three in the house, as well as three dogs, a goldfish, and a hamster. Along with the barn animals lol. I do want to move into a place that allows pets, though. I want a cat, and a snake. (Ball python!)

[gently-folded-paper-cranes]

how beautiful the world is. how lucky we are to exist at a time where there are stars in the sky, where the moon shines so bright every night. a faithful companion, the moon. 

we live at the same time as waterfalls, rainbows, rain. i love the smell of grass after it rains. petrichor, was it? how cooling, when stepped on, is morning dew?. i love the sky and its moods, the smiling bright blue on a sunny day, the playful winds tousling my hair, and yes, even the angry, deep gray clouds, the rumble of thunder. we are so lucky.

i am especially lucky, to be alive at the same time that my friends and family are. what a coincidence! these people, these once-strangers, mean the absolute world to me? these are the people who i choose to love and choose to love me.

it’s baffling to me, how the universe has breathed life into me, from the dust of stars to the warm, solid earth.

i am so lucky to be here.

[nidhi-writes]

Chinnanjiru Nilave (Ponniyin Selvan Fanfic)

Chapter - 1

It has been said that when the greatest of great emperors fell the seas rose and engulfed the land and its wealth. Some say that all the wealth has been sucked into the earth which was disheartened by the loss of her emperor. Loss of culture, loss of language. Blood covered the grounds like a river.  When two brothers fought within themselves and failed to see their mother is dying cause they forget to think about her. Dynasty doesn't end it always continues one way or another.

That is what MegaPunal an isolated village that is up on the hill in the south of now Tamilnadu holds many secrets and urban legends stories that many believe and some just see them as made up by their ancestors to keep the wealth out of the forest that surrounds the village.

It is said that time and life merge at the center of the hill, many archeologists tried to find the point to prove the theory but none could complete the research cause one way or another they fail. It is believed that this place was once built by one of the kingdoms of Tamil but none can come to a conclusion about which kingdom it is, as the place has no evidence but only scriptures that say it is.

'Amalan' was once a renowned archeologist now a madman, that's what people call him in his village where he had spent solid 50 years. His own son 'Varun' named him Mad cause he can't stop talking about the Tamil empire that ruled and made sure to develop the land. But still took care of him as a baby cause he loved him. His house is filled with all types of books and items he found throughout his life. As he is 75+ and currently just blabbers about Chola and lost jewel which doesn't help his case. As his only son passed away in the landslide that happened a few years back, his grandson hated his grandfather more, he believed it is because of his grandfather's Madness and dementia with nonsense blabbering his father was caught up in the landslide. If not for him his father wouldn't have left the safe home to try to find the Oldman.

His grandson whose name is 'Akilan' doesn't have a great relationship with his grandfather nor connect with the village. As they are currently under massive debt and the only thing they have is the house and the land that leads to the woods behind their house which would go for a massive amount that could be able to solve their problems, but no his old man will not and would not sell the place, and after his death, the property would go to his granddaughter who is just merely 17 and having a hard time coping with life. This made Akilan more angry and hateful cause the so-called granddaughter he adored doesn't even share the same blood as him and other family members.

'Nila' is just like the name she is the moon that shines on MegaPunal, the village people adore this beauty with brains. It is said that the place was once filled with Gandharva Kannigal and the village people now believe that she is really part of the said beauties once ruled here. She grew up in a safe environment with parents who took her in as if she is their own. Her relationship with her 'brother' was never an easy ride cause every now and then he would make sure to let her know that she will never be part of this family nor does she deserves it. Yes, you heard right when she was born her birth parents left her in the woods and it is her grandpa who found her and brought her in

17 years back

As the winds grew colder and the skies turned darker, it is so clear the rain is just a few minutes away. In the middle of calm and chilly woods, an old man in his late 50s walking around and trying to find something with a piece of paper he held. This a normal day for him to walk around the woods and mark them and take notes, nobody is sure on what exactly he is marking and taking notes for. As he is about to leave for the day when a wail of cries made him search for the source from where it was coming. At first, he thought that it was an injured animal but it doesn't sound like that. As he kept walking the cries became louder, and that's when he came across a bundle that is wrapped in dull-colored cotton clothes. Inside it was a baby girl who looked not even a day old. He is astonished to find someone would leave a baby out here without any protection. He took the baby in his arms and rocked, the movements made the baby stop her crying and opened her eyes. That's when his eyes went big, the eyes that looked back at him is like an ocean that a moon would bathe, this baby is not only beautiful but held some aura around her. He is so captivated and couldn't help but feel a connection towards the baby like he needs to protect her. That's when 'Nila' became part of this family and her parents loved her, but her brother didn't feel the same love, all he saw was a baby who took away his parents. Who took everything from him. Moreover, they gave the family heirloom which was always passed to the firstborn son to her. Every time he looks at the ring that shines on her finger he wants to cut open her hand. This orphan had taken everything from him for that he always hate her.

Current day

As every day Nila had done with her studies and currently getting ready to leave for her dance class, as in this small town there is only so much you can do. It was her long-time wish to just leave everything here and go outside to see the world. Her parents did take her and her brother on vacation when they were much younger but it all stopped when their family hit rock bottom which is filled with multiple debts, as her mother 'Azhagi' (Beauty) fell ill and her father spent almost all savings to make her live but she couldn't be saved. At first, they started selling some antiques and he was doing odd jobs to bring in some money but nothing lasted forever. Many had suggested to go find jobs outside the village but her father couldn't leave his father. But the same thing caused his death. One day he went in search of his father who was recently diagnosed with dementia on a rainy day, just like that a landslide happened and his body is forever buried within the land he walked once.

She wants to leave the damn village as well but same like her father she couldn't leave her Thatha. If not for him she wouldn't be alive today, She knew that they can live a pretty well life if they could sell their property but she knew how much it meant for her grandpa. So she made sure to keep this until they can find a way. Even though she is just 17, she runs the house now as her brother who just drowns upon drinks after drinks to come out of the sorrows that haunt him. She made herself some tea and also prepared to give her grandpa some. As she went in to check on the Oldman who she hates but loves so much he is nowhere to be seen. This is the third time in two weeks. Every time she made sure to lock all the doors and plead with her brother to keep an eye while she was studying as she couldn't do at that time, he escaped or more like her brother doesn't care to check up on their grandpa.

'Thatha!' She started shouting to see if she gets any answers. Normally he would be walking around the woods. She takes her mobile just in case along with her bag which she carries to her dance school.

Nila POV

'Oh my gosh! not again!' I sighed, I saw Ramu who is our neighbor currently doing some work outside.

'Ramu Mama! Thatha va Patheengala'(Ramu Uncle, did you see grandpa?)' I asked to which he smiled and nodded. He points to the woods as usual. You see nobody could stop that old man, every time someone did they got nice beatings from his stick, so they all stopped.

I exhaled and started walking into the woods which is also our property, normally nobody comes here without our permission. I walked the usual route my grandpa would take. Nobody knows why he went here and what he is searching for. Every time I ask he would say something like a riddle 'To place the jewel back in its place'. At first, my brother thought he literally talking about a jewel and wants to find it before Grandpa loses it. But that's not the case.

I started shouting for my grandpa, normally I would have found him by now, totally my luck just got really great, I am hell going to miss my class. I tried calling his phone but to my surprise, it says not reachable.

I am going to kill my old man when I find him.

'Thatha!!' I shouted and ran through the woods to get the tracks to find my grandfather who lost his mind. Seems he is punishing me and making me do cardio at this time of the day.

'Thatha! Enga iruke? Iruta poguthu!'(Grandpa! Where are you? It's going to be dark soon!) My throat became raspy by all the shouting. As I was about to turn right I heard some steps coming from behind me. Those don't sound like my grandpa.

I went in behind the trees to find out who or what it is. Nobody is supposed to be here, this is private property. My old man surely planning to get me killed.

I shook my head thinking I was hallucinating and turned my back to continue the search but as I was about to cut into another path a hand grabbed mine but I used my other arm to hit whoever that Mother F***er is that, cause hell that's not my Thatha!

I sure heard a crack and a figure fell down holding their nose and howling in pain. I came to my senses and saw a boy around my age with great luscious hair breathing heavily while holding his nose, his eyes shot to mine, and anger flashed through them.

I quickly grab something for self-defense, I ain't gonna let someone harm me.

'Who are you!? This is private property! Leave or I'll call the cops!' I stood straight and took out my phone to dial 100.

'என்ன உளறுகிறாய்! '(What nonsense you are talking!) His choice of language made me look for a minute, It's Tamil but it's kinda different. But I continue to try for the emergency numbers but damn no signal nothing! He rubbed his nose and I can now see his face. Damn he is good looking

'Thatha' I shouted again, now I am getting scared.

'என் கணையாழி உன்னிடம் எப்படி வந்தது'(How did you get my Finger ring?) He asked pointing to my finger. I looked at my ring and back at him. What the hell he smoked? This is my family heirloom.

'Yours?! What did you smoke!? Just leave from here and I won't call the cops on you' I said and tried to move away.

'என்ன மொழியில் பேசுகுகிறாய் நீ? நீ எந்த நாட்டை சேர்ந்தவள்!'('What language are you speaking? What country are you from?') His question again made me raise my eyebrows. Ok, somebody is pranking me or else someone just escaped an asylum. He still holds his nose which says I did punch him good.

'நான் பேசியது ஆங்கிலம்! மற்றும் நான் தமிழ்நாட்டை சேர்ந்தவள்' (I just spoke in English and I am from TamilNadu) I smiled and replied to go with a flow. But his expressions are hard and he let his hand fall down, and blood started pouring out of his nose. Oh my god! not now. I am really allergic to gruesome blood and I can't stand them. I started getting light-headed.

'Oh, my god. you are bleeding!' I said and touched his nose, but he didn't wince just watching my movements like a hawk watching its prey.  I turned my finger to see them smeared with his blood, whoops wrong move my head went blank and all I saw was him trying to catch me from falling on. I am really going to kill my grandpa if I die and I went off.

Stranger POV

As usual, he strolls down the wood to haunt some deer as it's been so long since he has done anything alone. As he rides his horse slowly he is caught by someone yelling in the distance. His eyebrows are furrowed and went in the direction he heard the voice. Something in him just wants to see the face of the voice which felt like honey.

Nobody comes here and let alone a girl whose voice told him should be young. Why would she be here at this time?

As he went near he slowly got off his horse and walked tiptoe to not make any sudden noises, he saw a figure currently hiding at the back of the tree. Skin like milk and hair like darkest black hiding from something. Maybe some are trying to misbehave, As a prince he wants to make sure his people are safe.  Before he could think of anything the figure started to leave in the opposite direction. He hurried and captured her hand hoping to calm her down, but before he could react a hand smacked right in his nose.

Normally he won't feel much pain as trains every day and it's part of his life as a warrior but this sudden attack made him howl in pain, His softness went away and coldness filled his eyes. Standing before him was a young girl around his age and she looked odd as if she is not part of his kingdom.

A noise from her mouth made no sense and the actions she did made him think that she maybe went mad.

'என்ன உளறுகிறாய்!' (What nonsense you are talking!)' He repied to whatever she is saying hoping to find the answers.

'Thatha' she shouted again. He looked around to see if someone is coming but no one is there, but something caught his eye and he couldn't believe it. On the finger of the young maiden who is standing before him is his ring. How in the world is possible

'என் கணையாழி உன்னிடம் எப்படி வந்தது'(How did you get my Finger ring?) He asked pointing to her finger.

'Yours?! What did you smoke!? Just leave from here and I won't call the cops on you' again her blabbering made no sense to him. He suspected her to be a spy or acting like a mad woman to flee from somewhere

'என்ன மொழியில் பேசுகுகிறாய் நீ? நீ எந்த நாட்டை சேர்ந்தவள்!'('What language are you speaking? What country are you from?') His question again made her raise the eyeborws.

'நான் பேசியது ஆங்கிலம்! மற்றும் நான் தமிழ்நாட்டை சேர்ந்தவள்' (I just spoke in English and I am from TamilNadu) Her words made me stop thinking. She can speak Tamil and she says she is from Tamil Nadu! maybe she is a Pandiyan Spy but she doesn't look like one. I let go of my nose which is currently bleeding to get more answers from her but before I could speak she raised her hands to touch my nose. I stopped to see what she is doing.

'Oh, my god. you are bleeding!' She again blabbered and touched the blood, a small smile that itched its way in to face as I see the girl before me act like I am a nobody. But before I ask her she fell down and I hurried to catch her.

A girl who punched the Crown Prince of Chola Kingdom, Who doesn't act scared or shy before him. Who is brave enough to talk back at him even if it's just a blabbering? A small smile never left his face as he carried her back without looking away from her face. Even with the blood running down his face he didn't feel pain instead he felt calm and complete.

Maybe after all the Jewel has finally been placed where it is meant to be

Male Chorus :  (Background)

Kaaneero neer kaan Chola vetri vazh ondrai kaaneero Or alagiya poovae Selluthiyoo Malaridu po sagi

(Veera Raja Veera song - PS2)

_____________________________________________________________

I really enjoyed writing this chapter as this is the easiest one I ever felt while writing.

And those who guessed whether this is Aditha Karikalan's story then yes you are right it is! As the name suggests. I am so thrilled to be part of this journey and excited for what the future will reveal to our beloved ones.

Stay tuned, more to come.

Let me know your thought on this chapter.

[shivershill]

And day 7 is also done.

Say hello to napping. A little fic between Rodrigue and my oc Eva.

Day 7. Napping

It was a beautiful day inside the borders of the Fraldarius territory. Peaceful and idyllic, a hopeful time. War was on no one’s minds, as said war was years away. No war, no tragedy had occurred. It was just a normal day under 1175’s Verdant Rain Moon. A simple Sunday and like it’s same, it was quite sunny today. Weather quite pleasant for Fearghus weather.

So, he chose, after all his work was done, to stroll around his own gardens until he came upon a specific tree. It was just an ordinary tree, but its roots had formed in a way, that laying down between them, was quite comfortable.

Letting the calm breeze tousle around his hair, the man let out a pleased sigh. Silence, for once. No more maid or advisor calling after him. No more paperwork or meetings, only himself, the rest of the day and the sun shining in his face. Peace is quite comfortable and he would have it any other way.

After a while, his ears picked up soft footsteps. Each one coming closer, so he opened one of his blue eyes and when he saw who came up to him, his arms opened up, a smile on his, now even more softened face.

“Eva, my dear! Come, it is quite comfortable laying here”, he said to her, taking in, how her blond hair looked like it was glowing under the sun.

Eva chuckled at his silly behaviour, but kneeled down to his side, letting him pull her on top of him.

“Rodrigue, my dear… This is where you chose to go to? And not even telling me?”, the blonde joked, her brown eyes looking at him with love and adoration.

Laying a hand upon her cheek, Rodrigue laughed, his eyes like mirrors to her own emotions.

“My dearest, I would never leave you behind. I had just planned to take a small nap, then return to you and the boys. I am sure they want something from me.”

Smiling at her loved one, Eva laid her head on his chest, listening to his soft heartbeats.

“They are already looking for you. I am just helping them, find you”

“Well, why not take a small break with me? I am sure the kids you taught today were a handful”

--

Neither of them realised they had fallen asleep. They had held onto one another, talking about different things, just like they did at night. It wasn’t until another set of feet, the exact number of sets would be two, made their way over to them.

“Brother, should we really disturb them?”, was said by a young boys’ voice, clearly speaking to another one.

“Father had promised he would train with us after his work was done, so yes, we should. Especially nice Eva promised to help us, not vanish with him.”

The first one to stir was Rodrigue, slowly taking Eva with him.

“Calm down boys… And here I thought I could take a small nap beforehand”, laughed the blue-haired man, watching his equally blue-haired sons in front of him.

The older one of them let out a loud laugh.

“Well, then don’t promise to train with us directly after your work”, the older said, watching the blonde woman in his fathers arm sleeping.

“Why don’t you bring her to your room, leaving her here would be cruel and not fair. Felix and I will be going to the training field, don’t take too long! Oh, and write her a note. Eva shouldn’t have to worry”, he said, turning around and leaving the way he must have come from.

“Come Felix!”

The younger one watched his father and his lover for a short second, smiling, before he turned around and ran after his brother.

“Wait for me Glenn!”, Felix yelled, his shorter feet running as fast as they could, leaving the two adults behind.

Rodrigue chuckled, smiling down at Eva, sleeping through all of this.

“I am happy they love you, the same way I do.”

[the-breathing-pen]

'Getting Eternity'

"You dare not forget it", she said,

Handing him over an umbrella to hold,

"Drenching up isn't cool for you,

You know you're quick to catch a cold"...

Forgetting wasn't his cup of tea,

For him it would be just too humane,

Intentionally he'd leave it there,

Anything, he whispered, to get drenched in rain...

Drenched and happy, he'd reach his home,

Only to find a little note,

"Don't you leave home without wearing it",

Underneath laid a raincoat...

Yes, you guessed it, he had to miss,

All those lovely showers of monsoon,

Another love too, occupied his heart,

This time it was talking to Ms Moon...

"Don't you ever arrive this late,

Better come home before its night,

The clock better not ring past 7,

If you aren't infront of my sight"...

Every day was a new moon day,

His soul felt trapped in a cage,

All that separation from his beloved,

Built in him, an old familiar rage...

'Wae', he screamed, with all his might,

"Why won't you let me dance in rain?,

Why not let me gaze the moon?,

Do you love to see me numb with pain?"...

"Are your eyes joyed to see me sad,

Are you happy that I'm being a dove,

Your habits have been suffocating me,

Why can't you just let me love?"...

Oh, wasn't he staring into them first time,

Tear filled eyes, with the moon's shine,

"Aren't you doing the same to me?",

Why give to them, what all is mine?...

"I could be sitting next to you,

And rain would be all that you miss,

Is it only rain that makes you happy,

Only getting drenched gives you bliss?"...

"Even if you'd spend the day with me,

You wish for nights to come so soon,

As if she loves you more than me,

Does she even reply? Your girl moon?"...

"Oh your rain, and oh that moon,

Makes me green than the greenest pine,

I never meant to make you sad,

I just didn't want to give them whats mine"...

"I've never not loved you,

Was never joyed to see you sad,

All I had was this one wish,

For you to love me so bad"...

Rainy tears fell from moon shined eyes,

Two lovers met, their faces were red,

His wish to the rain, and moon was heard,

So the Moon smiled, and clouds too, shed...🥀

[dollarbin]

Nickel Bin #6:

Randy Newman's Louisiana 1927

Don't drop the needle on Randy Newman's 1974 Dollar Bin problem record, Good Old Boys, with anyone else around. The record starts with the all too hummable pop nugget Rednecks in which Newman drops the n-word not once, as Dylan would a year later in Hurricane, but over and over again.

Yes, Newman had a plan in mind - Good Old Boys is a concept record about what its like being racist white trash - but it's 2024 and your neighbors, your kids or your cats might hear the lyrics, see you grooving along to them and then decide to call the cops, or at least write you off as something worse than a redneck.

I'm not enough of a Randy Newman buff, nor am in the mood, to try justifying the record (here's a good attempt to check out if you're interested) but I do want to take a moment now that rain has momentarily stopped in Southern California to talk about the record's most shimmering, and slightly less problematic, ear worm about flooding: Louisiana 1927.

Let's listen (and don't worry, no need to cover the cat's ears for this):

Warm Disney strings provide the opening, then give way to Newman's iconic piano prodding and hazy vocals. By the time the strings reemerge in the second verse they chase one of the richest drum tones I know and together they guide us to the chorus. Everything sounds majestic.

But Newman refuses to offer straight-forward pleasure. After Side 1's paradoxically sympathetic and deeply judgmental portrayal of a modern, singularly awful white dude, Louisiana 1972's lyrics pivot the record into a three song examination of Huey P. Long, one of the Great Depression's prequels to the even more loathsome Donald Trump. Long is the subject of a bunch of books I have not read, including All the King's Men, and Louisiana 1927's refrain of "they're tryin' to wash us away" and its second verse's oddball storytelling about a belittling, elitist visit after the storm by Calvin Coolidge introduces us to Long's version of Trump's "I'm so proud to be a deplorable" populism and racism.

What was Newman thinking? Why'd he undercut such glorious music with obtuse menace? Couldn't he have provided us with a hero, or at least something banal, to bask in and compliment all that rich sound?

Maybe he was busy refusing the public's potential broad stamp of approval in thoroughly Shakey style and thereby ingratiating himself with the kind of people (like, far too often, me) who need to be reassured that they are not victims of the mainstream. The irony, of course, is that Long and Trump's brands were, and still are, largely based on the same exercise: they generate their self-serving support by loudly rejecting any moderate, popular or ethical center.

Maybe that was Newman's plan. Or maybe he's way smarter than me (of course he is!) and had another plan in mind, which leaves me the dumb redneck. Or maybe he was just being an obscuring grump.

Either way, this still-lovely song, together with its sonic and thematic predecessor, 72's enslaver's sales pitch sing-a-long, Sail Away, has served as a godparent to a lot of equally lovely anxiety inducers ever since.

To begin, there's Lambchop's foul mouthed If Not I'll Just Die, which sounds like some psycho is standing in for Bert Bacharach.

And then there's Cat Power's almost unendurably beautiful The Greatest. Warmth and grace mask over brooding terror as Chan Marshall interpolates the tones of both Louisiana 1927 and Moon River into her own composition, leaving us awash once again in beauty but never at ease; after all, Chan was a step away from killing herself with drugs and booze while she sang about being lowered down and pinned into the earth.

Once she wanted to be the greatest. But now? Yikes. Thankfully she made it through. It's been 15+ years since she offered us such terrifying beauty; the sun's shining now and Chan is busy gleefully covering Dylan.

Even so, there are more storms coming. Way more. But hopefully they will wash away Trump's grip on our country (not to mention Stephen Stills next comeback attempt) rather than flooding anything too precious. Hopefully we can come together and convince Randy Newman to write something positive and beautiful for once (and not have him turn around and lend it, ironically or sincerely, to the forthcoming Toy Story 7).

[itsstraykids]

hello! hope ur doing well! i love reading ur answers and getting to know more abt u sm! its just amazing how days go by so quickly and busily like u blink and suddenly its 4 of them passed already! apologies! unlike u, im still infant-level fan to kpop (got pulled by skz) and being as hyperfocused on skz as i was, dont know any other kpop groups like i do skz sadly, but i do love music! i love shinee's stuff sm!!! and my best friend really likes xdinary heroes so im getting into them too! and txt just have some of the funnest bsides so their discography gets scoured too lmao. i just dont know any grps members or anything well, but yeah! like u said, lots of good music raining down. i will never understand ppl's bias against non native language songs-esp when they like english stuff and its not their mother tongue!-bcs kpop has such a range. so many interesting sounds, artists and genres!! from past year ive really found myself drawn to soft-ish(?) k-indie/rock a lot! u asked for newer artists (ik so less abt bands. this is a personal failure</3) some of my favorites i think are: lee go do, mingginyu, nerd connection! akmu, heo hoy kyung, se seo neon, etc etc just lots of solo lowkey artists and songs lmao. there's smth abt the lapping continuity of soft sounds and forming of language like that which enthralls me a lot. i really adore loud and wonderful girl group songs as well!! i listen to girl groups a whole lot more than bgs which is surprising bcs i love skz, but their immaculate energy and style! really love aespa, rv, loona! stayc, twice, billie, izone and others! do u listen to lucy the band? their stuff's really fun as well! i rambled sm lmao but yeah. music is so exciting in so many aspects its amazing. i love listening to a lot of languages and genres too! mostly bcs my brain's engagement is a pinball game and i am keeping it amused with fifty different things at the same time. which is why i just have a lot of recs for songs but none for artists bcs i collect and find interesting stuff but get obsessed easily, which makes it difficult to get into every artist particularly. would love to trade playlists or songs once this secret santa is over if ud be comfortable with that! (no pressure genuinely!) thank u for reading and indulging me! its funny how everything is still so busy even tho we here dont celebrate christmas that extensively like the west at all (asian!) holidays are holidays tho i guess lmao. hope u have lots of fun sweets and gifts well wishes and rest and reprieve!! stay safe!!

ps- top 3 artists?? that i found and fell in love with so bad this year?? would be youra! yukika and ahn ye eun! and now i dont know how much any of the artists song would be up your alley but im vibrating to recommend them to everybody so bad but id recommend mimi, raww from youra; neon 1989, soul lady, pit-a-pet (or any! she's amazing) from yukika; and burn like a star, full bloom, night flower, moon during the day or any! (im just. obsessed with her voice and how she likes doing her music smm) from ahn ye eun! u dont even have to listen to these if u dont want to, i just wanted to share lmao. do u have some particular artists whose sound u adore to unseeming degrees? also! fav japanese artists(if any)? ! im always on lookout for new music!! have a good day!!!

hi!! sorry again for answering this so late, like you said, the days go by in a flash lmao. thank you so much for those recommendations, i'm excited to check them out!! once i have the time 😅 i think after christmas i’ll be doing a lot of chilling and art + new music will be perfect. i totally feel you on collecting songs over artists usually, i do the same because i find good songs randomly from cafes, movies, spotify recommended, etc. and just put them all into a playlist, lol. i would LOVE to trade playlists with you. anything you recommend will be much appreciated. i really need more indie recs and good gg songs, i only really know mamamoo but i think they’re great. i’ve heard some singles from the other groups you mentioned that i like a lot too but i don’t know any of their b-sides.

oh wow you’re located in asia? that’s very cool, is it hot there right now or are you more in the north? i’m in california so we don’t get very “wintery” vibes even in december, but it has been raining a bit which is really nice and refreshing. also, today is my birthday! so we had a really great banana cake my family made, and they also made an incredible brunch. we’re going ice skating in a little bit and then having a bonfire on the beach in the evening. hope you’re having a good day as well! merry christmas if you celebrate 🎅🎄✨💝

[psalacanthea]

WiP Wednesday!

Here is a bit of fun from the new chapter of the Hawke in the fade fic.  This is admittedly silly, but it’s not every day I can cook up an excuse to do some noir-style detective writing.  It is one of my favorite things.  I will tag @oxygenforthewicked and @kirkwalls-dumbest because they have not yet told me to stop!  But I also tag anyone who sees this :)

...

“What the hell else am I supposed to do?  You tell me, Champion.  Tell me what the hell I’m supposed to do when these city streets are my veins, and the rumble of wagons on the cobblestones are the beat of my heart.”  His voice trailed off.  He stood in the mouth of the alley, silver slashing across his back, but otherwise leaving him cloaked in shadow.

He lifted the cigarette, inhaled, and the ruddy glow briefly made him visible before he was plunged back into blackness.

“The rain falls like blood here; every puddle stained red. I’ve been betrayed, chased away– I was a week from retirement when they framed me for that murder.  Even though I cleared my name, I…”  Rain began to fall, a light pattering from the sky.  It splashed into tiny puddles forming in the dishes in the cobbles, worn there by the passage of feet.

“I can’t leave her.  She’s hell, she torments my waking hours and my dreams…but I can’t leave her, Hawke.  She’s the poison in my veins but she’s the antidote…and the drug, all in one.  She sings like lyrium and hurts like a Darktown alley special.”

“Hmh.  Not bad,” Varric muttered under his breath.

“So what, that’s it?  You give up on helping people because life handed you a few bad turns?”  I asked, disgust welling like tar, viscous and bubbling.

“You don’t understand.”

All right.

The sad sack had pissed me off.

I grabbed him by the neck of his filthy cloak and pulled him down to me.  His breath was rancid, and the stink of liquor coming off of him could have downed a charging bronto.  I stared him in the eyes.  “You listen to me, Donnen Brennokovic.  I’m on a mission and I’m not backing down, so you either help me find someone or you get the hell out of my city.”

My fist was itching for his face, so I laid one on him.  His head jerked to the side, the impact stinging from my knuckles to my elbow.  Not a hard punch.  Just a love tap, hopefully to wake up the pathetic slob. 

I dropped him; he hit the cobbles like a sack of rotting meat.  I’d dragged him into the light; I could see a moonlit glint under his askew cloak.  Kneeling down, I reached for it.  He grabbed my wrist but I was stronger right now.  I ripped it off; his guardsman’s badge.

He kept it polished.

“Don’t you ever fucking tell me I don’t understand,” I told him, keeping the threat in my voice like a knife to a neck.  I held up his badge in two fingers, and he stared at it resentfully.  “You know I do.  And I also know why you still have this.”

I rose, looming over him.  With a flick of my thumb the badge was spun from my fingers, hitting the cobbles with a chime and rolling into a puddle where it lay, gleaming in the moonlight so brightly that it looked like a star no longer seen in the miserable sky.

“Get the hell up.  We’ve got work to do, Brennokovic.”

[autisticshadowthehedgehog]

face this day with me

{Ao3}

“Stay quiet.”

Wizards had longer memories than humans, so she remembered a few things from before then. She remembered grandfather’s soft hands as he taught her to walk, as he showed her how to properly hold a staff. She remembered his smile and the funny voices he would use when he read her stories. She remembered the dark shadows that would sometimes crawl across the tower walls. She remembered the whispers in the night, the fires in odd places, red eyes looking over her, the scent of death in the halls.

Merlina was used to it.

She was almost three years old, then, when her grandfather told her to stay in her room, and that she would have a new little brother to play with tomorrow morning. He told her to sleep, but the excitement was keeping her up. She sat on the ground, drawing pictures on empty scrolls to hang in her new brother’s room, grabbed the toys she was “too old” for and put them in a basket for him, swung around her pretend staff and pretended to make spells that would make pretty lights for him.

That night, she had snuck out of her room, just once. She leapt down the tower’s spiral stairwell, each step almost as big as her, almost tripping over her dress many times as she did. She made it to the castle door, which she creaked open, and then she raced down two lefts, then straight down the main stairwell, jumping all the more, and out the side door into the tiny garden. It was overgrown, still awaiting the arrival of one who could wield Excalibur, who would make it was it once was.

Grandfather didn’t like how the castle looked. He said that it used to be better, that it would be again. But personally, Merlina liked the flowers. There were so many wildflowers, she could have her pick of the best ones, of any color she wanted. So she spent several minutes scampering under vines and over thorns, picking out a bouquet for her new brother, not noticing the dark clouds overhead, or the smoke coming from the tower window.

She raced back up to her room, then, which was harder than going down, because she was carrying as many flowers as she could and thus couldn’t use her hands to help her go up. But she managed, and she made it to her room, and began to arrange the flowers in a pretty bouquet. She wanted it to be organized like the rainbow, but it was hard getting the flowers all in order, especially when their leaves and loose petals kept falling off. She sat on the ground, arranging them by color and shade, until her yawns became more frequent, and she ended up passing out in the middle of the stone floor.

Then she was blinking herself awake, her eyelids heavy and her limbs sore, her mind a little fuzzy from her dreams of shadows. She sat up, her little hands getting a jolt of cold as her sleeves fell away and she was pushing herself up from the stone. She sat up, rubbing her eyes and yawning again.

She glanced to the window– still night, with the stars shining down on them. There was no moon tonight, but she could see alright just the same. There were a couple of plink, plink, plinks, as she realized that it was now raining. Oh, huh, it was raining quite a lot. She’d seen storms before, and while the loud noises weren’t so great, she’d always found the lightning pretty. Maybe she could stand on a chair and watch it, and try to remember what Grandfather said about where the light came from.

Her eyes then drifted to the door, across from the window; still closed, no shadows moving under it. Grandfather must still be in the tower. She strained her ears, and... yes, there was some kind of commotion upstairs. Upstairs? No, it couldn’t be, that must be the storm outside, Grandfather was never that loud. It must be thundering.

She then looked around herself, on the floor, from her stack of drawings and basket of toys, to the scattered flowers. She let out an upset huff as her eyes fell on one of the chrysanthemums (though of course, she was too young to know what it was called). It had already begun to shrivel, its color browning against the gray rock, its stalk wilting over. She crawled her way over to it, rubbed her eyes once more, and then lifted the flower, reaching out to spread the petals a little more, trying to scratch off the brown, to straighten the stem.

Another peal of thunder, and another, as she worked. She jumped as she heard a thud from above her– probably just a branch falling on the tower, it was fine. A few more thuds... maybe it was hailing. It had hailed a little while ago, and she had thought that was a bit fun. It was like rain, but sparkly, and she could touch it, so long as it landed first, Grandfather didn’t want her getting hurt by stepping out into any storm. She turned to the window, then back to the flower, trying to peel off the dying petals without making it look bad.

Thud, thud, thud, thud. Fast hail. Alright. Wait... no. Merlina stopped, cocking her head to the side and lifting a pointed ear. Thud, thud, thud, thud. Oh! It was from the stairwell. Like footsteps, but fast. Perhaps Grandfather was running to her to show her her new brother. She should finish the bouquet, then! She looked down at the dying flower, shrugged, and figured it must not be good enough for the bouquet. She then proceeded to eat it. Because she was two years old.

She then let out a long, tiring yawn, and glanced around at the other flowers, reaching towards one and then giving up. She slouched, putting her head on her knees, and shutting her eyes...

BAM.

She didn’t look up immediately as the door flew open; instead, she shoved her head more into her lap, hoping to block her ears from the loud noise. She barely noticed the quick footsteps, the squish of wet feet, and then... another SLAM, as her door closed again, and then a thud as someone pressed against it. Heavy breathing, then, and... muffled cries?

Merlina looked up. Standing against her door was a... hedgehog. At least she thought. Some kind of mobian, she wasn’t good at telling animals apart right now. She was bathed in shadow, but seemed to be pink, or perhaps red. She was dressed in a large blue skirt, and held a bundle of blankets to her chest, from which the sound was coming from. Merlina had never known blankets to cry, but she supposed anything was possible.

The hedgehog’s ear was pressed to the door as she shook slightly, listening. Merlina lifted her head slightly, listening as well... the shadows. She could hear the shadows outside the door. They must have come to visit. They were moving much faster than normal, though, and there was almost a screech of wind from the hall as they rushed past. Then, the eerie silence that always came after the shadows went somewhere else. A beat of that, and then the pitter-patter of the rain again, a peal of thunder breaking their pause.

The hedgehog sighed, then, looking down to the blankets, letting out a quiet shh. Then she looked up, and saw Merlina.

She stared. Merlina stared back.

“Oh s...” the hedgehog began, before cutting herself off. She pulled the blankets closer as the cries slowed, quieted. Her eyes darted around the room, and then back to the girl.

Merlina hesitated, and then pointed to the blankets.

“‘s ‘zat my baby brother?”

The hedgehog paused, glancing from her to the blankets. She hesitated, and then held out her hand. Merlina gasped with excitement as she saw a glow begin to form– oh! She knew magic like grandfather. She must be a wizard like them. Merlina felt a tingle inside of her and let out a giggle, but the feeling faded as the light did. The hedgehog then sighed.

“Miss? ‘zat my brother?”

The hedgehog’s ears perked up again, and she hesitated. Merlina was beginning to get frustrated. She crossed her arms, huffing, and the hedgehog clearly sensed a tantrum coming, because she quickly said, “Yes! Yes, he is.”

She crept closer, kneeling down in front of her. She then cautiously shifted the blankets, and Merlina looked down at a tiny black nose, poking out from the fabric. She sat up and peered closer, pushing aside the sheets, until she saw a little hedgehog, its tiny eyes scrunched up as it tried to sleep, letting out the occasional huff of displeasure, threatening to cry once more if it was annoyed.

“He’s little.” Merlina said finally.

She then leaned back, and looked up at the hedgehog’s sparkling green eyes. It look like her blue, or Grandfather’s red. They were magical, though, like a leaf that floated down a clear stream.

“Are you our mama?” she asked.

The hedgehog stared at her for a good, long time. It didn’t occur to the toddler how unusual it would be for a hedgehog to birth a human, or for her mother to have been gone the entire time Merlina was alive only to return when giving birth, or why her Grandfather wouldn’t be with her, why she would hide from the shadows that so often traveled their home.

But after a moment, the hedgehog slowly said, “Yes?” she glanced down at the little hedgehog, then, and her green eyes narrowed, hardened. She looked like Grandfather, whenever he made an important decision. “Yes.” she said again, and then looked to the little girl. “Listen, sweetie, what’s your name?”

“Merlina.”

“Of course.” the hedgehog muttered to herself, before turning back to the girl. “Listen, Merlina, your little brother is in danger. We need to get him out of this castle as soon as possible. I don’t know how to transport mortals, do you know a way out?”

This was an odd request. “Why’s he in trouble?”

“It’s complicated. I can tell you later, but I need you to get us all out of here. Do you think you can do that?” When Merlina was still silent, the hedgehog leaned in. “Please. Your brother needs you, the world needs you.”

“The world?”

“If we don’t get your brother to my lake by dawn, bad things are going to happen. Scary things. I don’t want to frighten you, but this is serious. Do you think you can get us out?”

“Grandfather–”

“We can’t get your grandfather. He’s helping the– he made– he...” the hedgehog shook her head. “I don’t know if I can find my way out without the Knights of the Underworld finding us first. We need you, Merlina, can you help us?”

Merlina blinked at her, and then looked back to the little hedgehog in the strange lady’s arms. She didn’t like the idea of leaving with someone she didn’t know, Grandfather had always told her not to travel with anyone but him. But... she was Mama, wasn’t she? She was magic like them.

“Ok-ee.” she said. “The garden’s closest, but I don’t have th’ key to get out.”

“Don’t worry about that.” the hedgehog said. “But listen very carefully: in order to get out of here, you have to stay quiet. Stay quiet. Can you do that?”

Merlina nodded. She was used to being quiet.

They creaked the door open, and then they were off. Merlina stumbled down the stairs, and after a flight or so, the hedgehog lifted her up, holding her with one arm as she balanced the infant with the other. Once they reached the bottom of the stairwell, Merlina was put on the ground, and she guided the hedgehog in the right directions, trying to run as silently as possible. Left, then left again. Then straight down the hall, and then the door was open.

Merlina hesitated at the deck, whimpering a little. The hedgehog stopped in front of her, their hands still folded together, and she turned.

“’m not supposed to go out during storms.” Merlina whispered.

The hedgehog flinched at the speech, but then realized clearly they were going to have to talk to get out. “I’ll protect you.” she said.

Merlina hesitated again, and that’s when they heard the screech.

It was like the quiet, shadow screech, but this was worse. Louder, angrier. Echoing from the halls behind.

“Get down!”

Merlina screamed as the hedgehog then grabbed her, pushing her down as something flew over their heads. The hedgehog looked up, angrily, and then stood Merlina up. Suddenly, the blankets and baby were shoved into her arms, the sheets blowing in the fierce wind and scratching the path below.

“Go to the gate, and hide in the nearest bush.” she said. “Do not come out until I come get you. Now go!”

Merlina felt the weight of the baby in her arms, and then nodded. She started to run, skirting around the dress and blankets that tried to trip her up, ignoring the soft cries of the baby who was displeased by either the thunder or the screeching.

The toddler found the gate quickly, and then ducked behind several dangling vines, pushing them against the stone wall and sliding down to a sitting position. She held the baby to her chest, trying to shush him as she’d seen the lady do, bouncing him slightly like Grandfather did to her when she was upset.

Her ears picked up the screeches, though. They were angry, and then furious, and then... pained. Hurt. Somehow, the screeches becoming less frequent began to scare her more, as her heart sped up in her chest. They would always sound hurt, and then stop, and never start again.

The noises got closer, still fading in and out as more shadows must have run out, only to meet the same fate. Merlina clung tighter to her little brother, and pressed against the wall, as her breathing sped up.

There was the eerie silence, then. And then a small, quiet hum beside the vines. As if one of the shadows was arriving. She peered towards the vines as they began to part, tears starting to form as she shook.

A vine was pushed aside, and she caught a glimpse of a darkness, with a red eye, looking right at them.

Then there was a scream of fury, and the shadow fell away.

“Mama?”

Merlina suddenly felt arms around her, and the hedgehog pulled the two of them out of the bushes and began to run. She leapt over the gate, which had toppled over completely, something having rammed into it hard enough to knock it from its hinges. Merlina caught a glimpse of a shadow-creature directly ahead, before the hedgehog raced to the right, rushing to the forest.

Merlina looked over her shoulder, and gasped as she saw the shadow creature melting away. Then, the smoky darkness began to creep closer to them, faster and faster.

“Mama!”

The hedgehog glanced over her shoulder, swore, and then stopped in her tracks. She put the children down, and then said, “Merlina, hold your brother, and stay behind me. Do not go to the demon and do not let him get near you.”

“Demon?”

“Stay behind me. And stay quiet.”

“He’s crying.”

“Then... try to calm him down. Okay? Can you do that?”

Merlina bit her lip and nodded, blinking away more tears, which washed down her face with the raindrops.

“Now let me handle this.”

The hedgehog turned, her skirt swishing above the muddy ground, and Merlina backed up, holding tight to the blankets.

“Shh, shh...”

The shadows rose above the hedgehog, towering above them all, taller than even Grandfather. It formed into a dark shape, with thick horns and three of those angry, red eyes. Merlina stepped backwards in fear, still clinging to her brother, still trying to shush him as his cries grew louder.

“Nimue.” the shadow spoke.

“Get out of my world.” the hedgehog said, in a dark, scary voice.

“It is yours no more.”

“You will never take the realm of the living for your own. I am giving you one chance to go back to hell where you belong, before I drag you down there myself.”

Mama’s scary.

“Release the child.”

“You think I don’t know what you plan with him? You have three seconds. Three...”

The infant cried. “Shh...” Merlina said.

“Two...”

Merlina shut her eyes, and tried to sing the lullaby Grandfather used on her. “Now sleep, now sleep...”

The shadow leapt for the hedgehog, letting out a deathly screech. Merlina stepped back, her singing growing louder as she tried to block out the fight ahead of them.

“Now sleep, now sleep...”

She backed up more, shutting her eyes, hearing the grunts and shouts and cries and trying desperately to ignore them.

“Everybody tries to be straight, but things are still unchanged...”

She wasn’t sure she got the words right. She sang anyway.

“We have to resist the darkness, our hopes cannot be in vain...”

Her eyes flew open at a crash that did not sound like thunder. The shadow had thrown the hedgehog into a tree, splitting it in two. But in a flash, the hedgehog rose again, light beaming off of her, and she leapt back at him.

“Head straight for your goal by any means, there is a door you never ‘ve opened...”

The shadow turned to her, eyes narrowing, and Merlina flinched. Blood dripped from it, and then it started running, as it seemed to be running for them. She stumbled back, still singing to the calming baby, unable to think of anything else to do.

“There’s a window with a view you’ve never seen...”

The hedgehog was in front of them, then, blocking the shadow from their view.

“Get there, no matter how long it takes...”

The hedgehog then performed a magic she had never seen before.

For a moment, she thought that the storm had stopped, for rain stopped falling on her head. But, no, she could see it hitting the mud... now it stopped hitting the mud, but farther away...

She gasped, looking up, staring in wonder, as she realized that each droplet of the pouring storm had stopped midair. They spun ever-so-slowly under the sky, reflecting their surroundings, shining with distant lights. They hung in the air, like dew in an invisible web. Merlina looked back, and saw the hedgehog, arms spread out, eyes boring into the shadow that was trying to stumble back up. The hedgehog was still glowing with a deep teal. It almost seemed to change her fur, to make her shine with power.

Oh, dark, the darkness, that dozes in the dusk.

Throw it all away.

The hedgehog thrust her arms forward, and suddenly, all of the rain converged, turning pointed, turning cold, turning deadly, and heading directly for the shadow.

Merlina whipped around, dropping to the ground and holding the baby as close to her as she could as there was one last screech. She breathed deep, trying to steady herself, waiting as the silence fell over them. And then...

Plink. Plink. Plink.

The rain fell, for just a few seconds more. Then it stopped again. Merlina looked up, to see the clouds had begun to part, showing the stars again.

A crunch of leaves on the ground, the squish of mud, and then Nimue was in front of them, looking over them with concern.

“Are you hurt?”

Merlina shook her head.

Nimue sighed, her shoulders relaxing. She glanced back behind her, and when Merlina attempted to as well, Nimue shook her head, putting her hand behind the girl’s head.

“We have to go now. I can carry him. Just hold my hand.”

She reached out her palm. Merlina stared at it for a good minute, and then threw herself forwards, hugging tightly to the hedgehog. She stiffened with surprise, and then hugged her back, and lifted her up, and began to walk into the woods.

---

They reached the lake just before dawn. Merlina could see the sky changing colors, beginning to welcome the sun. Nimue left her on a rock and then took her little brother out into the lake, standing knee-deep and whispering some kind of spell, or prayer. Merlina wasn’t quite sure. She gasped with surprise as Nimue then dropped the baby into the water, and then relaxed again as the hedgehog lifted him back up. The baby had begun to cry again, but Nimue didn’t seem bothered by this, as she walked back to Merlina and sat beside her.

“Close one.” she sighed, beginning to bounce the hedgehog. “Lancelot’s okay now. I’m calling him Lancelot, is that–?”

“What was that all ‘bout?”

“Oh, I do not want to explain demons and their offspring to a toddler...” Nimue muttered, using a free hand to rub her temples. 

“Off-spring?”

“Don’t worry about it. The demon was planning bad things but we stopped him.” She smiled down at the girl, and wrapped her hand over her shoulder. “You did a good job, Merlina. Thank you.”

Merlina didn’t feel like she’d done a good job. Her arms were tired, her legs were aching, she was covered in mud, and she had no idea where she was, or what had happened with the shadows.

“Wha’ we do now?”

Nimue sighed. “This little one can’t go back, I managed to purify him but who knows what Merlin could...”

“Wha’ about me?”

“I...” she sighed. “I won’t let anything happen to you. I said I’d protect you, yeah? So I will.”

“Wha’ about Grandfather?”

Nimue bit her lip. “He made his choice.”

“I don’t get it.”

“Nothing good comes of playing with fire and darkness.”

“I still don’t get it.” 

“You don’t need to. What you need to know, Merlina,” Nimue said, sliding off the rock and kneeling down to her eye level, “Is I’m going to take care of you two. Okay? You can learn magic with me, or knighthood, I can do that, too, if you want. Or I can just... whatever you want, okay?”

Merlina closed her eyes, and still felt like she could see the red glare.

“I kinda want to sleep righ’ now.”

“Okay.” Nimue nodded. “Okay. Come here.”

Merlina slid into her arms, and Nimue lifted her up, and they went to the lake.

[saturndivine]

The Ferality of Mars

»»————-　➴　————-««»»————-　➴

Feral: "Existing in a wild or untamed state"

When I think of Mars, I think of the Greek god, Ares. I think of the heart pumping blood throughout the body to keep it alive. I think of passion, ferocity, and rawness. Mars is the planet of emotion, similarly to the moon but with a more sinister twist. Mars wants you to feel everything and create with that energy, Mars wants you to be overwhelmed with emotion, so much so it consumes and guides you. Mars wants you to feel everything. It is known as a Malefic Planet because of its inability to be tamed and controlled but Mars isn’t about having control, its about intuition and allowing yourself to be guided by the invisible force that encourages you to nuzzle into your most primal and authentic state and honor that part of you. 

[Yes I will be using Hozier lyrics that represent the ferality of each sign]

Aries Mars [Mars in 1st]

When I picture Aries Mars at its most feral state, I visualize a forest fire consuming everything in its path, absorbing nature to feed as fuel. With Mars in its rulership, Aries Mars has no issue releasing, guided by their heart throughout it all to overcome whatever may stand in their way. They move quickly and harshly, striking first and questioning later. You mold life into what you want it to be so there is no need for you to even plan right? As an unstoppable force, you have to let your heart take control. 

“There's no plan, there's no race to be run

The harder the pain, honey, the sweeter the sun

There's no plan, there's no kingdom to come

Sit in & watch the sunlight fade, honey, enjoy its getting late

Theres no plan, theres no hand on the reign,

...As Mack explained, there will be darkness again”

Taurus Mars [Mars in 2nd]

When I picture Taurus Mars at its most feral state, I imagine a bear tearing its way through a beehive, grasping at the honeycombs and devouring it in a matter of seconds. With a venus-ruled mars or mars in detriment, you all look for the sweeter things in life and insist that you are worthy of goodness and don’t mind taking it for yourself. Conflict is stupid to you because you have your own morals and studies and firmly believe in what you desire and if anyone steps to you, you have the power to throw it right back in their face. You are the raging bull, undefeated once you’re committed. But you represent the tamer, earthy side of Mars.

“I have never known peace like the damp grass that yields to me.

I have never known hunger, like these insects that feast on me.

A thousand teeth, and yours among them, I know.

Our hungers appeased, our heartbeats becoming slow.” 

Gemini Mars [Mars in 3rd]

When I picture Gemini Mars at its most feral state, I picture the rebirth that spring offers. The energy of this mars sign matches the intensity of the rising sun and falling rain that causes the flowers to blossom and fill the earth with its aroma. It is quite impossible to stop a determined Gemini, they want to leave their mark on this earth and do so in many different ways as they are indestructible, powered by the combination of their mind and their heart which creates an explosion upon collision. To get in the way of this placement is to stand in the way of the changing seasons, impossible. 

“Each day you'd rise with me, know that I would gladly be the Icarus to your certainty.

Oh, my sunlight, sunlight, sunlight.

Strap the wing to me, death trap clad happily, with wax melted, I’d meet the sea,

Under sunlight, sunlight, sunlight.”

Cancer Mars [Mars in 4th]

When I picture Cancer Mars at its most feral state, I visualize the crumbling of the earth into itself, only to grow back in a healthier form. A resilient placement that can have the worst thrown at them and come back only more beautiful. In the introduction, I discussed how both Moon and Mars share a common goal but the Moon goes about it a different way, as Cancer Mars goes about martian energy in a different way as well. With mars in fall, Cancer takes the soft approach to ferality, embracing the harsh energy and converting it into tenderness. 

“And I love too, that love soon might end, 

be known in its aching, shown in the shaking,

Lately of my wasteland, baby. 

Be still, my indelible friend, you are unbreaking,

Though quaking, though crazy

That's just wasteland, baby.” 

Leo Mars [Mars in 5th]

When I picture Leo Mars at its most feral state I see a blinding white-hot light overcoming anyone and everyone in its path, forcing others to bend to its will simply by doing what it does naturally. As a fixed mars, Leos energy is continuous and bold, quite difficult to escape if a Leo Mars has you in their eye line. They are everywhere, they rule the heart so they rule ferality in a way, diving back into their lion roots and fully delving into the fact that they are the rulers of the jungle and rulers of the world.

“Be love in its disrepute, scorches the hillside and salts every root 

And watches the slowing and starving of troops

And, lover, be good to me.

Be there and just as you stand or be like the rose that you hold in your hand 

That will grow bold in a barren and desolate land

Oh, lover, be good to me.”

Virgo Mars [Mars in 6th]

When I picture Virgo Mars at its most feral state I can clearly gaze upon an open field, a deer nosing at grass only to be pounced on by a random predator, yet Virgo represents both the predator and the prey, enforcing balance and really honoring nature fully. Virgo Mars is one of the most ferocious and determined martian placement because they understand how to use the life around them to their advantage. Failure is impossible because they are always ten steps ahead of everyone else. They understand balance, both aggressiveness, and peacefulness. 

“With the war of the fire, my heart moves to its feet

Like the ashes of ash, I saw eyes in the heat

Feel it soft and as pure as snow, fell in love with the fire long ago

With each love I could lose, I was never the same

Watch it still live in roofs, be consumed by the flame

I was fixed on your hand of gold, laying waste of my lovin' long ago”

Libra Mars [Mars in 7th]

When I picture Libra Mars at its most feral state, I see a person walking into a mossy lake only to never come out again. There is a slight underestimation when people first get to know the Libra Mars.  This martian placement matches up with tricky Aphrodite, Libra mars has secrets they dont want unturned, they have a hidden past that they want to be kept to themselves because they are never the people they were a few moments ago. They are evolving and healing, rubbing soil on their open wounds to grow into a new version of themselves. 

“I had a thought, dear, however scary about that night, the bugs and the dirt.

Why were you digging? What did you bury before those hands pulled me from the earth?

I will not ask you where you came from, I will not ask and neither should you. 

Honey, just put your sweet lips on my lips, we should just kiss like real people do.” 

Scorpio Mars [Mars in 8th]

When I picture Scorpio Mars at its most feral state, there is a black burning tree in the middle of the falling snow, crackling and popping and falling to the pieces onto blankets of snow only to keep burning. Mars takes a different approach in this rulership, it is calculated, ready, and sure of whatever move is to be made as if it has been practiced for quite some time. There is no defeating a Scorpio mars, only succumbing, bending to its will, and praying that they will take mercy on your soul. 

“If I was born as a blackthorn tree, I'd wanna be felled by you, held by you

Fuel the pyre of your enemies.

Ain't it warming you, the world gone up in flames?

Ain't it the life you, your lighting of the blaze?

Ain't it a waste they'd watch the throwing of the shade?

Ain't you my baby, ain't you my babe?”

Sagittarius Mars [Mars in 9th]

When I picture Sagittarius Mars at its most feral state, I see the serpent in the garden of Eden sliding on its belly and offering an option of freedom, going against the grain of submissiveness. Sagittarius Mars tends to ooze this raw sex appeal that stems from their confidence & their need to question the life around them, never satisfied by what is given to them, instead they leave their own mark on the world before them by embracing individuality and moving along their own path. 

“I'd be the voice that urged Orpheus when her body was found. 

I'd be the choiceless hope in grief that drove him underground.

I'd be the dreadful need in the devotee that made him turn around.

And I'd be the immediate forgiveness in Eurydice,

Imagine being loved by me.” 

Capricorn Mars [Mars in 10th]

When I picture Capricorn Mars at its most feral state, I imagine the fall of an empire, a civilization, a society, forced to come to terms with the fact that its reign has come to an end. Mars in exalt, arguably one of the most powerful placements to have in the natal chart, there isn’t a way to prevent the energy of a Capricorn Mars, they are backed by Saturn, two malefic energies combining to create an unbeatable power and manifesting as strength in the native who claims this energy. 

“It's the light, and it's the obstacle that casts it

It's the heat that drives the light, It's the fire it ignites,

It's not the waking, it's the rising.

It's not the song, it is the singing.

It's the heaven of a human spirit ringing.

It is the bringing of the line, It is the bearing of the rhyme

It's not the waking, it's the rising.”

Aquarius Mars [Mars in 11th]

When I picture Aquarius Mars at its most feral state, I visualize a group of nude women, dancing around an intense fire, the full moon shining only for them as they howl out into the wind. Aquarius Mars is a placement that understands how to honor their roots and get back in touch with themselves to move to the future. They use their past to propel them into new opportunities and to become a higher version of themselves. There is no obstructing this futuristic placement, eyes steady on the prize that remains up ahead. 

“When you move, I can recall something that's gone from me

When you move honey, I'm put in awe of something so flawed and free.

So move me, baby, shake like the bough of a willow tree,

You do it naturally, move me, baby.” 

Pisces Mars [Mars in 12th]

When I picture Pisces Mars at its most feral state, I envision a floating sailor, sinking in with each song that leaves the siren’s voice only to realize that it is too late as the last of air leaves their lungs and they now become one with the siren. Pisces Mars has the gift of “innocence” that people project onto them and they understand how to use it to their advantage and come out on top. Deception is a mastered tool but doesn’t negate the fact that they are simply seductive and persuasive and hold power that many are unaware of. They should continue to move carefully and use their “faults” to their benefit. 

“Feeling more human and hooked on her flesh, 

I lay my heart down with the rest at her feet.

Fresh from the fields, all fetor and fertile

It's bloody and raw, but I swear it is sweet. 

In leash-less confusion, I'll wander the concrete,

Wonder if better now having survived.

The jarring of judgment and reason's defeat. 

The sweet heat of her breath in my mouth; I'm alive.”

Link to Website [Services, Blog, & More!]

[sashi-ya]

Oh my sweet goddess, need to request you for the hottest ace x Yamato ff so far

<3<3<3

Hi my dear @thebigkitto here I am with your request, still in time for Yamato's birthday. I hope you enjoy!! 💖

🔥 NSFW ~ Yamato x Portgas D. Ace ~ Stay

tw: Afab Yamato, he/him pronouns. oral, vag, rough. marking. fluffy and angsty.

a/n: first time writing for this pairing. I love love this ship! I think they could have been so perfect for each other. I love them so much!. Of course, the AU is in universe during Ace's Wano visit.

wc: 1.4K

~ 💖 Happy birthday Yams!! 💖 ~

A moon so bright over them, shines its light and covers their skins with a silver brilliant rain. Red cheeks, both of them a little bit drunk. Foreheads pressed, smiling, and laughing. There are no worries, not tonight. At least for a couple of hours. The freckled fire boy has come to brighten up the days of the white hair man. The freckled boy is as hot and bright as the Sun, lending his light to make the moon boy shine.

They have fought, they have become friends shortly after. And in between nights of laughter and alcohol, the boy with heavy shackles found love, and passion, and kisses. He didn’t know what kisses were, he didn’t know what hugs were. But what he did know was that his Sun suffered the consequences of having a father, just like him. Two sweet souls hurt by a pure genetic course...

Ace’s lips feel so soft every time they kiss Yamato’s lips. Yamato loves Ace’s freckles; he plays with his fingers over them like a “connect the dots'' game. “Ace, your freckles look like the stars in the sky” he whispers. Ace genuinely smiles, a soft and loving smile. He bends softly over, kissing him once again. Gently pushing Yamato’s back against the rock where they are sitting, Ace takes his orange hat off and puts it to the side. Black wavy locks framing his face. Gaze fixed on his lover.

Yamato’s long hair all around his face, making him look like a white angel. So handsome and innocent. Ace slowly slides his yukata off, exposing just his shoulders. White skin, milky flesh that shines so bright under the moon, so tempting… Ace bends forward and places soft pecks over them.

“You have a cute little mole here” he whispers with his lips still over Yamato’s skin. “I do?”. “Yes. I have the same one”. And his lips slowly trace a sweet trail of kisses down his chest. Ace stays a few minutes in between Yamato’s breasts, he loves his lover’s scent. He loves how his soft skin feels over his cheeks. Yamato grazes Ace’s hair as he rests over his chest. Is this love? he wonders to himself.

Ace keeps moving, and as he does Yamato’s clothes little by little stop covering his anatomy. His belly spasms when Ace collar’s red beads graze his flesh. Wet smooches going down. The tip of the freckled boy’s tongue traces circles around his belly button.

Untied the cord that holds Yamato’s shimo, it softly slides down from his hip bones. Down, down it goes. And as it goes down, Ace's nose grazes every single inch of his pelvis bone. Sex exposed, so wet and ready for his lover. Ace bites the inside of his thighs, marking his teeth on his flesh, leaving Yamato purple prints of his pace.

Yamato squirms every time the freckled pirate breathes closer to his entrance. His throbbing sex, so needy for his lover, his oni nature slowly but surely taking over his body. And with the slightest touch, Yamato is about to become a demon. And Ace knows it, and Ace wants it.

The user of the Mera Mera no Mi uses his fingers to separate Yamato’s entrance, his tongue slowly reaches and tastes the sweet honeys of his lover. Delighted by the ambrosial taste, his tongue plays up and down and around, devouring, licking, sucking. Yamato’s long legs rest over Ace’s shoulder as the pirate kneels and lifts his lover's hips up. Yamato’s huge breasts trapped by his strong arms.

The Zoan white wolf pants, whines, moans, and grunts. His eyes thrown back, yellowish shine on them. He bites his lip as Ace acts miracles with his mouth. And because it’s not enough, Ace includes his fingers. Already warmed up by the power of his devil fruit, it feels so hot inside when his walls stretch. A beckoning motion inside, hitting a special spot, a magical spot inside him, that Yamato didn’t know he had until Ace appeared. And Yamato comes, and he does it hard. Probably the whole Wano Kuni heard him moaning Ace’s name under a velvety night sky, under the moon shine.

Ace lets Yamato’s legs softly on the ground, smiling and wiping his arousal liquids from his mouth with the back of his hand. The oni looks at him, trembling, still coming back from ecstasy yet hungry for more, so much more…

“Ace, take your shorts off and come here” he sweetly commands, calling his lover up to his chest. Ace smiles, he knows what’s coming, and Yamato is gonna give him one of his favorite things ever.

The fire boy quickly undresses himself and crawls up to Yamato’s chest. Dripping precum, hard dick ready to receive all the love from his lover. Yamato plays with the tip first, index finger forming strings with Ace’s wetness. Index finger he takes to his mouth, salty blessed elixir he will devour soon, but not yet. Yamato presses his boobs together, trapping Ace’s dick in between them. The pirate’s hips go back and forth, fucking himself with the inside of the Oni’s breasts. Yamato sticks his tongue out, so the tip of Ace’s dick hits his taste buds.

“Open” Ace mumbles in between panting and sweating. “Aaah” Yamato opens his mouth big so Ace’s dick could fit inside such wet cave. And he sucks the tip, he sucks and licks. And Ace’s abs spasm as he grabs Yamato’s horns for a better grip. Both fixing their gazes, Yamato smiling with one of his cheeks stretched by Ace’s dick. Sloppy eyelids and trembling lips from Ace as he moves his lover’s head back and forth.

Ace’s whole body spasms, Yamato can feel how his dick becomes even hard and pulsating inside his mouth. Ace is ready to come, and Yamato is ready to receive his blessed seed. “I… I can’t anymore” he stutters. Yamato’s nails carved into Ace’s tanned small of his back as he waits for him to come. And he does. And his sweet release not only floods Yamato’s mouth but also bathes his chest with it. Ace grunts and pants. “Yams…” he mumbles. “Yams… I…fuck…”.

Ace falls to the side, both of them looking at the moon. His panting slowly returns to a normal breathing as he plays with white and blue strands of his lover’s hair. And there is absolutely no time to waste, both of them want more. So much more.

The making out session starts once again, violating tongues on each other’s mouth. Wet kisses, moans muffled by their lips. Pulling hair and biting lips, Yamato ends up straddling his hips over Ace’s crotch. He moves back and forth, frotting his core against Ace’s still sensitive sex. Back and forth, tip looking for an entrance to penetrate, mixing arousal fluids. So wet and hard, so warm and sexy.

“Yams, let me fuck you”. “Fuck me, Ace. Fuck me now”

And Yamato stands up a little, just enough so Ace could grab his dick and guide it inside him. He sits over, allowing his walls to stretch as the freckled boy member crawls inside his core. He humps, Ace buckles his hips up following Yamato’s motions.

The second division commander enjoys a spectacle only Yamato’s perfection could give to him. As he jumps, his huge breasts jump with him. He unties his hair, allowing beautiful white and blue strands to fall over his shoulders. The moon behind him makes the view as exquisite as a work of art, as a painting. Even better, so perfect not even a museum could have it.

Yamato’s fingers interlock with Ace’s, as he goes up and down faster and harder. Up and down and back and forth, grazing his pleasure button against his lover's skin. Feral fucking under the moon shine, they look like demons. Demons in love with a connection so deep and profound. Perhaps a connection that was meant to be since forever.

Ace grunts, Yamato moans.

Hiken no Ace’s hands squeezing the flesh of the Son of Kaido’s hip. Bodies so ready to release themselves. And that’s exactly what they do. Yamato bends over Ace, his breasts suffocating him. Ace, so happy he could die, gives him the last thrusts that take his lovers to paradise. And they come, trembling, eyes fixed. Fire mixed with pure white instincts.

Both so full of the other, still feeling the electricity of the past orgasm. Side to side, in rapture, in love with the other. “Yams… I… I don’t wanna leave. I wanna stay here forever with you” Ace whispers, kissing Yamato’s forehead.

“Stay” he whispers.

“Stay with me and help me free this land. And then, just then, make me… free”.

[whelvenwings]

Up to Date?

Length: ~5k Tags: Canon Divergent, Y yo a ti Cas timeline, Misunderstandings

It's three months after Castiel was brought back from the Empty after confessing his love to Dean, and things are awkward between them. They haven't talked about it. Castiel can feel how much Dean wants to, but he won't let himself, and Castiel can only wait. But one night, with Castiel halfway across the world, he gets a text from Dean that might change everything - even if Dean didn't quite mean it to.

Castiel

It was just awkward. Castiel couldn’t deny it. Things between himself and Dean were definitely awkward.

Three months back on Earth, safe from the Empty with a little help from the Winchesters and from Jack – but Castiel and Dean still hadn’t talked about it. The things that Castiel had said – and what Dean had said in return.

I love you. Me too, Cas.

Castiel knew he should have expected this, the awkwardness. Hadn’t he known Dean long enough, at this point, to be able to predict him? And there was nothing more predictable than Dean not wanting to talk about something.

Still, it hurt. There had been that shining moment of happiness, if a word as soft as happiness was even the right way to describe the feeling of absolute blazing corrosive joy that Castiel had felt when Dean had told him that his feelings were reciprocated. And now, there was just… silence.

It was awkward.

And Castiel didn’t know what to do. Was Dean waiting for him to say something? But Castiel had already said it all. It was Dean who’d only managed to choke out a few words, Dean who must have more to say. And yet he said nothing. Days were slipping past full of staring and loaded sentences and quietness.

The fact that it was all so familiar didn’t make it any better. Castiel wanted something different. It had been different before they’d said anything out loud, but – but there had been something about hearing Dean say those words, me too, Cas, that had changed everything.

He didn’t need much. Nothing grand or unusual, only something to ease the tension. Even if it was just an expression on Dean’s face that acknowledged what had passed between them, instead of pushing it away.

But Dean… Castiel knew it was different for him. There were things that Dean didn’t allow himself, for a tangle of reasons that Castiel only barely understood. Dean didn’t let himself touch. Dean didn’t let himself speak. Dean didn’t let himself look.

But Dean wanted to.

Castiel knew Dean wanted to. So many aching years that Dean had longed for him, and Castiel had been able to feel it like a prayer – and not some soft and murmured thing, a prayer of an older kind, something raw and wordless and desperate. Something on its knees. Castiel could feel the yearning in Dean. It would have been so simple for Castiel to offer touch, but Dean hadn’t ever really let him. And Dean still wasn’t letting him.

And Castiel could still feel the longing.

When they were together, and when they were several thousand miles apart, too. It was there. Never any quieter or gentler, not even from far away. It always touched the same place in Castiel’s grace that it had done from the start. And the feeling of it was just the same, too, like being doused in oil and dropped into flames that reached and hoped and hungered.

Beautiful fire. A beautiful prayer. Castiel wanted to answer it. Dean behaved as though he didn’t know it was there.

The tension in the bunker had become too much, last night, and Castiel had abruptly left with just a quick text to Dean.

> I’m going to look for the artifact Sam read about in Seoul. It shouldn’t be left unguarded.

The artifact was probably just a trinket, if Castiel was being honest with himself, and its significance paled in comparison to everything they’d been through, but it was a reason to get away from everything and give himself a break. It would have only taken Castiel moments to find the artifact if he’d wanted, but he drew it out. He walked rather than flying, pacing the streets of Seoul, following up on the leads that Sam had found. His grace hummed and sighed against Dean’s prayer.

He hoped that when he returned, something might be different. That he and Dean could talk. Maybe even – as he walked down a side-street with neon lights that glowed through the drizzling rain, Castiel allowed himself a wry little smile. Maybe even do something together. Go somewhere. Go on a date.

A date. To a human the word would probably sound little, and normal, and silly for an angel to be thinking about. But to Castiel, it just sounded like something new.

And it was so easy, somehow, to picture Dean coming into the bunker's kitchen, pointing at Castiel semi-aggressively, and saying, so. You, me, date. Up for it?

Would that be how Dean would phrase it? Castiel tried it a few different ways in his head. Down for it? How about it? You in? Each time, the Dean in Castiel's mind looked almost angry as he waited for an answer. Each time, Dean's face softened when Castiel said, yes.

So easy to imagine. So out of reach. Castiel walked on through Seoul, the rain starting to thrum down harder.

–––––

Dean

It was awkward.

Dean knew it was awkward, and he wasn’t thinking about it – he wasn’t. Except when Cas did stupid shit like ditching the bunker without warning, leaving just some handwritten note like a kid sneaking out of his tent at summer camp, it made it kind of harder to ignore.

Staring down at the note in the bunker’s library, Dean pressed his lips together and read it over again, his eyes scanning the words while his brain paid no attention to them, lost in thought.

There was something so ridiculous about it all. The moment between them, the – whatever it had been, when they’d admitted their crap to each other – it felt so overblown to look back on. Sure, Cas had had to summon the Empty, he’d had to get all deep just to save Dean’s hide. But Dean… what he’d said had just been stupid. No point to it. Dean cringed when he thought about it.

Me too, Cas.

The words were so little like something Dean would ever say that they might as well have been in a foreign language. Me too, Cas? That kind of thing didn’t have to be said. Because obviously, him too. But what were they supposed to do about it? Buy each other flowers? Feed each other chocolates? God forbid – hold hands?

Dean felt a little hot rush in his chest just thinking about it, and an accompanying stab of guilt. What were they, seventeen? They were old. Too old for flowers and chocolates. Too old for holding hands. And too old for this weird tension between them, Jesus. Who got nervous and tongue-tied and awkward around a crush at Dean’s age?

Who called it a crush at Dean’s age?

Dean, sat in the library at the bunker, dropped the note Cas had left and picked up his phone. Practicalities. Just focus on the practicalities. He should at least make sure Sam had kept Cas up to date with the latest research about the artifact that might be hidden in Seoul.

Dean tapped on the screen of his phone for a few seconds, holding it a little further away from his eyes than he used to have to do. He read over what he’d typed once, and then hit send.

–––––

Castiel

Castiel’s phone hummed.

With a little clench in his gut, Castiel stepped under the cover of a dark doorway to get out of the rain, and pulled it out of his pocket. Dean’s name was on the screen, obviously. There was the usual leap of excitement, tinged with a familiar sinking feeling in his chest. Dean would probably be angry with him for leaving.

With a stoic line to his jaw, Castiel opened the text, knowing it couldn’t be anything good.

> So. You up to date?

Castiel stared down at his phone.

No… no. He couldn’t have read that right. He blinked, and tried it again.

It still said the same thing.

You up to date?

Dean had just asked Castiel if he was… up to date? If he… wanted to date?

However many times Castiel reread the text, it said the same thing. Castiel stood absolutely still, his eyes puzzling out the letters of Dean’s message again and again.

It was – it was just the way Castiel had imagined it, if not word perfect. The brusque tone, the question. Castiel, half in shadow in a porch in rainy Seoul, stared down at his phone as if it had just promised him the moon.

Dean had just asked Castiel if he was up for dating.

Via text. Obviously. Maybe all this time, it had just been that trying to talk face-to-face had been too much. Maybe Castiel should have left for halfway across the world months ago.

Castiel could feel his heart pounding. He couldn’t stop himself reading Dean’s question, over and over again.

–––––

Dean

When the text from Cas finally came back, Dean snatched up his phone. It wasn’t that he’d been sitting and staring at it, waiting for a reply – he’d just got a little lost in thought, was all, wondering where Cas was and why he wasn’t answering sooner.

The text, though, when Dean read it, put a frown on his face.

> I’m so glad you asked. Yes, I would love to.

Wait. What? Dean checked over what he’d said himself in his first text, just to be sure he hadn’t made some kind of a typo. Nope, he’d definitely just asked if Cas was up to date with the artifact.

So, Cas would love to… what?

Cas was glad he’d asked about what?

None of it sounded like the answer to a simple question about research on an artifact, at all. Maybe Cas was just in the middle of something, and misread Dean’s text. Not something that had ever happened before, but still. Whatever.

Dean circled his thumbs over the keyboard on his screen, and then typed a reply.

< Love to do what

Keep it simple, he figured.

He sat puzzling over Cas’ first message as he waited for a reply. So glad you asked. What did that even mean? Was Cas ever particularly glad when Dean asked anything?

The reply came back quickly, this time.

> Anything you want to do. :) Maybe just going to a bar?

Dean squinted down at his phone.

Anything he wanted to do about what? A bar?

Was he losing it? Dean reread the text over and then over again, and looked back up their conversation to try to make Cas’ reply make sense. The emoticon was typical enough, even though Dean hadn’t seen a smiley one in a while. The way it made his chest squeeze was ridiculous. It was just a smile. And it just followed the words, anything you want to do.

Before he could let his mind run too far with what exactly that could mean, Dean texted back in confusion,

< You want to go to a bar?

There was something about this conversation that was making his heart beat harder. Come on, he told it. What, you can face down the end of the world more than once and a little text conversation still has you like this?

Ignoring his solid logic, Dean’s heart only raced faster when Cas texted back,

> Yes, of course. Unless you think it’s a bad idea?

So… Cas wanted to go to a bar? With Dean?

That was – well, it wasn’t that strange on Dean’s personal spectrum of strange to not strange these days. Fighting Death and God and God’s sister and all the rest of it kind of put a bunch of other strange crap way down the list. But this was still… weird. Not bad weird, necessarily.

But how had they got here, why were they talking about this? What kind of a bar, why? Dean had just wanted to check up on Cas in a few brief words and suddenly they were making evening plans? Cas was making no sense. Was he doing it on purpose? Dean read the whole conversation over again, and pulled a face of utter and annoyed confusion for the benefit of no one, and shook his head.

He thought about it, and licked his lips, and shook his head again.

And then thought some more, and made a hand gesture, as if asking of no one, what the fuck.

He texted out,

< What do u mean

He stared down at the text for a second, and then deleted it, and tried instead,

< Why are we talking about this

He didn’t even read that one over again before deleting it. He made another face, and then quickly typed and sent,

< But you’re in Seoul

However they’d arrived at the idea of going to a bar, it didn’t particularly matter when Castiel was thousands of miles away. Had deliberately ditched, in fact, which was more of an obstacle to them having a nice evening out tonight than the distance between them, but Dean wasn’t going to say that directly.

> Only for a short while longer. I’ve almost completed the search for the artifact. Then I’ll come back :)

Another damn smiley face, another little lift in Dean’s chest. Look at him. Fully grown, and soft over the idea of his best friend looking forward to spending an evening together. Yikes.

Practicalities. Dean fired off another text.

< Okay... you just wanna talk or what

If Cas was going to try to insist that they talk about stuff, well – the drinks would probably be a good place to start, but Dean would need to psych himself up to the idea of trying to explain anything at all that had happened between them. Me too, Cas. He kept hearing himself say it and wanting to bury his head in his hands. What had he been thinking. What had Cas been thinking, when he’d decided on Dean. That had to earn the award for the worst fucking choice in the history of the world.

Dean’s phone buzzed in his hands.

> I think talking is what people usually do on a date. But we don’t have to if you don’t want to.

Dean’s eyes went wide.

–––––

Castiel

Across the world, in the porch in Seoul, Castiel watched as Dean’s little typing bubble with three dot dot dots appeared, and disappeared, and reappeared.

He tried to quiet the excitement in his chest, tried to remind himself that Dean had just implied fairly heavily that he wouldn’t want to talk on their date – which wasn’t unexpected for Dean, but it did leave Castiel wondering what else Dean might want to do.

A thought occurred to Castiel about something they might be able to do without talking, and he swallowed, and felt his hopes fly higher.

Or perhaps Dean just wanted to sit together in silence. That would be alright, too. Companionship in the quiet. When he thought about it, Castiel knew it would be more than enough just to sit by Dean in a bar and drink together, knowing that they were both choosing to be there. Even if they didn’t say a single word the whole evening, even if Dean didn’t so much as look at him the whole night. They could spend the date speechlessly. But it would be a date. It would be an acknowledgement. Maybe it would ease a little of the longing that Castiel felt and felt and felt from Dean, burning.

Finally, a text from Dean came in.

> Wait what

Wait, what?

Castiel felt his heart sink.

There was something wrong. That tone, just two stark words – something wasn’t right. Castiel scrolled back up their conversation. Had he accidentally said something rude? He couldn’t find it, reading the texts over and then over again. He’d used emoticons to show that he was happy. Had they seemed sarcastic?

Did it seem as though Castiel didn’t really want to go on a date? Or that he wouldn’t really be content for them to not talk on the date? Hurriedly, Castiel began typing again.

< I mean it. We don’t have to say anything. I just want to be there with you.

It was the kind of text that Castiel would ordinarily type out and then delete because it was too forthright, too emotional, too much for Dean – but this time, he just hit send before he could think about it. Worse than Dean being grossed out by Castiel openly having feelings was the idea of Dean not knowing that Castiel really did feel those things.

There was a long silence. Castiel stood still, waiting for Dean.

How many times had he stood, quiet, expectant, wanting Dean to be ready, hoping he would be ready, prepared to wait for an eternity until he was? In the span of Castiel’s own lifetime, he’d waited just a blink of an eye. But somehow this blink had been torturously slow. A torture Castiel would have fought to the death before trading.

Castiel’s phone hummed.

> You really want to go on a date

Castiel stared down at the screen. He couldn’t tell if the tone was judgemental or vulnerable. He blinked, and thought hard – and then, with a little shake of his head and hard press of his lips, he made a choice.

Quite suddenly, the street in Seoul was empty.

–––––

Dean

Dean almost fell out of his chair when Cas appeared opposite him in the bunker.

“Shit!” Dean swore, grabbing the table in front of him with one hand. He watched as Cas tilted his head just slightly sideways at Dean’s other hand, instinctively on the butt of his gun.

He eased his hold.

“Could’ve killed you,” Dean mumbled. Cas smiled wryly.

“You could have tried,” he said.

Dean swallowed. Right. Angel powers were all the way back up, these days.

“You’re back,” he said blankly, just to say something, because immediately leaving the room didn’t seem like it would be a good idea – however much the nervousness in his brain was insisting that this conversation wasn’t going to go well, and he needed to bail.

“Yes.” Cas lifted his phone up to face Dean, so that Dean could read their conversation on the screen. Dean glanced over it. It was strange seeing his own words on the left side of the screen, almost embarrassing. “What does this mean?” Cas asked.

Dean got to his feet, feeling too low down still in his chair.

“Uh…” He watched Cas warily, while trying to keep his tone light. “You tell me, Cas.”

“No,” Cas said firmly. “You asked me if I really wanted to go on a date.”

“Yeah,” Dean said.

Cas stared at him, clearly expecting more. Dean tried waiting him out for a few seconds in silence, hoping Cas would say something else, but Cas had that determined look in his eye that told Dean he was going to have to be the one to say something.

“What about it?” Dean said.

“What does the question mean?” Cas asked.

“Well, Cas, it’s kind of all right there. In the message.”

“You just asked if I really want to go on a date,” Cas said again.

“Yeah,” Dean said. “So, do you?”

It was all wrong. His tone was all wrong. It was aggressive, and blunt. He sounded outright angry at the idea that Cas might actually want to go on a date, and that tone didn’t even vaguely map over the ridiculous leap in his chest at the idea of a date together.

But somehow, Cas’ shoulders were dropping, and his face was relaxing, as though – as though that was what he’d been expecting to hear. Or even what he’d been hoping to hear.

“Yes,” Cas said.

Dean felt his mouth fall slightly open and his eyes go wide, and he looked away.

He could feel his breath suddenly coming a little short. He tried to stand very still and be very quiet so that Cas wouldn’t see what that one-word answer had meant. How much it had shaken Dean.

It was only when he heard the yes that he realised just how little he’d expected to ever hear it.

Cas wanted to date. The hot rush in Dean’s chest was back, and the accompanying punch of guilt readied itself… but held back. Because Cas had said yes.

He’d said yes.

“Is that a surprise?” Cas said, his tone dry but not unkind. Dean swallowed, and managed a smile when he looked back over.

“Yeah,” he said.

“Oh.” Cas looked confused. “But… I told you…”

“I know.” Dean shrugged. “I didn’t know if you’d wanna do any of that crap, though. Human stuff.”

He saw something clear on Cas’ face, as though something that had been weighing on him had suddenly been lifted.

“Ah,” he said. “Well… I do. Want to.”

Dean nodded, once, a little sharply. God, he had no idea how to do this. And it didn’t help that he could feel things moving inside him, shifting, like walls crumbling, like stuff he’d smothered finally elbowing its way up to be felt – a blazing feeling, a hurting feeling, a wanting. Somehow both familiar and terrifying.

“Okay,” Dean managed aloud.

“As long as you still want to,” Cas said.

Still? Had Dean ever actually told Cas that he wanted to go on a date? Maybe he’d just been that obvious. Or maybe Cas had actually been able to guess what Dean wanted from the way Dean had said me too, Cas, even though Dean hadn’t been able to guess what Cas wanted in spite of literally being told I love you.

“Do you?” Cas asked, when Dean was silent for a second too long.

That wanting feeling, that hot tense ache that almost had Dean’s teeth gritting against it at this point, it was demanding a yes. It was saying go, go over there, what are you waiting for now? But Dean swallowed it. He couldn’t just have that. He couldn’t. Could he?

“Well,” he said. “I dunno. I mean. We are kinda old for it. Aren’t we?”

Dean watched Castiel consider it, his heart thudding.

“I’m fairly old,” Castiel said, “yes. But I think I’m still allowed to try new things.”

“New things,” Dean echoed.

“Yes.”

“Like… dating.”

“Yes,” Castiel said. “If you want to.”

“And like…” Dean went to say something else, and then stipped himself. Too many things all rushing to the front at once. Too many possibilities. Too many things that he’d given up thinking he could ever have. Too many things he’d told himself it was right that he didn’t have, because it’d be embarrassing if he did.

But now, here was Castiel, standing in front of him and saying he wanted to go on a date. Watching Dean quietly, waiting for him to finish what he’d started to say.

“Like…” Dean said, and then stopped again, and shook his head. “I don’t know, Cas. I’m not… you know.”

“You don’t want to?” Castiel said, the question spoken so neutrally that Dean knew it came with effort – Castiel’s muscles had to be heaving with holding that door open for Dean to leave through, if he wanted. But Castiel was still holding the door. Still saying, if you don’t want to, you don’t have to.

“No, I – yeah. I mean, I – yeah, I want to,” Dean said, saying the last part to the floor. His chest felt as though it was going to crack open. He wanted walk around the table between him and Cas, and drop to his knees, and just ask Cas with his eyes to touch him, anywhere, anyhow, gentle or not. “Just… I mean, look at us. Are we really gonna fit with any of that crap?”

He couldn’t imagine them trying to do the usual sweet romantic stuff. Dates and gifts and cards and flowers. So stupid after everything they’d been through, like sticking heart-shaped bows on the muzzles of two rusting guns.

“What kind of crap?” Castiel asked.

“You know. The whole schtick. Lovey-dovey crap.” Dean mumbled it, aware that even in describing it he sounded ridiculous. Lovey-dovey? Christ.

“I thought we could just try things out,” Castiel said. “And see if we can do them our way.”

“But what if it doesn’t work,” Dean said, making an attempt not to sound too wretched. He watched Castiel, waiting for him to give up, to say this was already too much work, that it wasn’t worth it, and they should just carry on going as they had been.

“Then we try something else,” Castiel said.

“Right,” Dean said, with an almost-laugh. “And we just do that over and over, huh.”

“If you’d like.”

“You’d seriously be okay with just keeping on trying forever?” He said it as if it were a joke.

“Yes,” Castiel said. “Of course.”

Dean went quiet. The expanse of the table between them was far, much too far. He stuck his hands in his pockets and nodded, because he didn’t know what else to do.

Cas saying that he’d keep trying forever was absurd. What was even more absurd was that Dean actually believed him. Cas had that look on his face, the one that allowed no argument, not angry or proud, just – sure. Certain.

If nothing they did together felt right, Cas would stick by him and keep trying new things. Forever.

Dean felt a part of himself breathe out, and with it went the last of the wall. Now Dean was immolating, standing still in the library of the bunker, just burning and burning with wanting to be touched by Cas, and –

As Dean watched, Cas’ jaw was tightening, as though he too were holding himself back against what he needed.

They stared at each other over the table. You first, Dean begged him silently. Please, just come here, just come here.

Cas’ blue eyes were locked with his, trying to say something Dean couldn’t hear.

“Cas,” Dean said, into the silence.

Cas watched him, waiting.

Dean’s mind was a blank. He didn’t know how to take this feeling, this all-encompassing burning wanting yearning feeling, and turn it into words. He didn’t know how to ask for what he wanted without accidentally putting it out of his own reach in the asking. He didn’t know how to want in the way that received, only in the way that was hopeless.

And Cas only looked at him and waited.

Dean opened his mouth.

“I don’t know,” he said. Cas’ expression flickered, but he didn’t move. “I – you – Cas, Jesus, I don’t know how to do this.”

“Do you want me to go?”

“No,” Dean said quickly, immediately.

“Do you want me to stay here?”

“Yeah. I mean…” Dean swallowed. “No.”

Now Cas looked confused.

“Do you want me to…” Cas paused, puzzling it out. Dean watched him thinking, if I shouldn’t go, and I shouldn’t stay, then…?

“Cas,” Dean said, “come here.”

Cas blinked, and Dean watched the slope of his shoulders change, watched the way Cas’ eyes lightened with a sudden hope. He watched Cas take a step around the table, and then another, slowly, as though afraid to scare Dean off.

Dean couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t speak. His hands were too big. He’d just asked Cas to come to him, and Cas was coming to him.

He couldn’t wait any longer. Dean moved, quickly, decisively, making for Cas as Cas came towards him, needing to be close and needing it now, and then – and then they were in front of each other in the bunker library, they were right in front of each other, standing with their hands by their sides and looking at each other. And all Dean could think as he looked at Cas was,

This is so heavy, it’s too much, it means too much.

And all Dean’s furiously thudding heart wanted was touch, anyway, no matter what it meant.

Cas reached up a hand, and gently – so gently – put it against Dean’s cheek.

Dean held his head up for a long moment, trying to keep himself together, keep it all in, be still, be silent. He gritted his teeth against the feeling in his chest, against the blazing of his happiness –

And then, he let go.

He closed his eyes, and breathed out. And leaned into the touch.

“I love you,” he heard Cas say.

“You shouldn’t.”

“I love you,” Cas said again, more determinedly, and Dean felt Cas’ forehead press to his own.

The touch of him was better than absolution. It was beautiful. It was perfect. Dean could feel the love of it running through him, easing the rusted gritty parts of him that had thought all this beyond him, and he wanted to gasp through the feeling of it like he was swimming through cold water. If he’d tried ten minutes ago to imagine Cas saying I love you to him again, Dean would have imagined it so sweet and unlike them. But this, this was happening. Cas’ forehead against Dean’s. Cas’ voice saying those words, I love you. And it felt real.

It felt like him, Dean, and it felt like Cas. This was who they were. This was how they loved each other.

“Me too,” Dean said. “Me too, Cas.”

He leaned forwards, and kissed Cas.

They didn’t go to the bar, in the end. They found they had enough to do without going out.

–––––

Dean

The next morning, in the kitchen, Dean turned to Cas and said casually,

“By the way, you never actually said. Are you up to date with the new research on the artifact? We should probably still try to find the damn thing.”

“Am I up to…”

Dean watched as Cas’ expression changed. It went from slight confusion, to sudden horror – and finally settled on a kind of dry acceptance.

“What?” Dean asked.

Cas came to stand by Dean, and because he could, Dean leaned forwards and kissed him again. His heart raced as he did it. Cas kissed him back, and Dean felt as though gravity probably shouldn’t be holding him down at this point.

“I, um,” Cas said. “When you texted me yesterday… I thought when you asked me that, you were asking me on a date.”

Dean’s brain took a second to catch up – and then he pressed his lips together to hold in a laugh. Cas tilted his head to one side.

“Don’t,” Cas said.

“I wouldn’t,” Dean said.

“Dean…”

“I’ll never mention it again.”

“I thought…” Cas closed his eyes, his head dropping as he smiled again at his own misunderstanding, and Dean let himself laugh. He reached out and put a hand on Cas’ shoulder, still a little tentative, still feeling his heart sing with the ability to touch. Cas leaned in, their bodies swaying together slightly.

“I love you,” Dean said, the words flowing up out of him like water from a spring, so easily, so naturally. He felt the immediate seize of panic afterwards, hearing those three words said in his own voice, out of his own mouth – but he couldn’t regret them, not when he saw Cas’ head lean back again, his blue eyes glowing with happiness.

“I love you,” Cas answered him. “I love you.”