#yes. and the results explain so much about this website

[saintobio]

sincerely yours. (8)

↳ gojou satoru/reader

when a twist of fate led their marriage to the path of a quintessential tragic romance, two past lovers go through another series of experiences on love, heartbreak, identity, illness, and trauma along the road to a happily ever after. 

genre. heavy angst, amnesia, modern au, 18+ 

tags/warnings. profanity, mentions of cheating, implied suicide attempt, toxic relationship, explicit smut

series masterlist -> episode nine

9:21 AM.

Tap. Tap. Tap. The sound of your index finger drumming a slow and steady cadence against the table was nearly in perfect synchronization to the tick tock of the clock above the wall behind you. An icy, uninviting atmosphere was the best way to describe the current situation inside the conference room at this time of the morning, with the gelid detachment between the boss and her employees as you built a wall—an impenetrable wall—around yourself to keep the inner turmoil you had in your head. 

So, you listened. You succumbed to silence as a result. 

“I’d like to present this new idea that we, along with the ecommerce team, have come up with to increase engagement on our website.” Even as the marketing manager started to speak, you remained frigid. “We did go through some feedback that people have been posting online and they’re mostly saying that the current web theme is too plain and that they’re hoping to see a more engaging website, so we would love to propose some ideas that could improve Hearte’s overall online presence. We know that keeping the brand’s look consistent is very important, especially now that Hearte is still establishing its own name in the fashion industry, and we have currently done a phenomenal job with our brand style. However, as the online website is our visual storefront, not only is its functionality critical, but we also have to ensure that the web design is in line with our aesthetics.” 

9:26 AM. 

You leaned back on your chair with your arms crossed, looking up to speak to the manager from across the conference room. “Let’s keep the unnecessary introduction short and just go straight to the point,” you strictly announced, receiving curious eyes in return as it was their first time seeing you becoming all stern and unamused. Such an odd sight to see from a boss who used to have the brightest of sunshines reflecting on her smile. “What’s the proposal?” 

The marketing manager cleared her throat and moved her presentation onto the next slide. “Yes, Ms. Y/N. So… uh, based on the data that you can see on the screen, our online sales increased by 15% for the past two weeks, but we still have about 10% of shoppers abandoning their shopping carts. Earlier this week, we set up email campaigns and social reminders to decrease our abandonment rate and urge shoppers to return to their carts. While working with the IT team, we did some A/B testing to determine which version would drive our business metrics. We’ve also reached out to The Society Management and added Kendall Jenner to our PR list so that possibly, in the future, we can get her as a model for our landing page and attract the western market,” she continuously explained in a manner to convince you of how much effort their department was doing to increase Hearte’s sales, “But what we believe could bring a tremendous improvement on our website engagement is by introducing style guides. This will capture the interest of the audience now that they can mix and match some outfits based on their own style, and—”

9:32 AM.

Sigh.

“Ms. Ono, I have to be honest, but I expected more from you,” you cut her off by leaving a frank comment on her presentation, “Fashion brands have been doing style guides for years. You make it sound like it’s unique, but it’s nothing new. How sure are we that it will actually bring a dramatic improvement on our website engagement? I doubt most of them would even browse through it.” 

“Well, uh…” The marketing manager faltered, glancing at the head of the social media team for some help, which she didn’t end up receiving. “I think it’ll work the way we want it to as long as we introduce engaging copies that make buyers fall in love with the designs.” 

“You think?” You criticized her word of choice. “Ms. Ono, I gave you enough time to brainstorm with your team, so the moment you step inside of this conference room, you should have prepared whatever strategy you had in mind. I don’t settle for ambitious words like ‘I think’ or ‘I believe’. I want to hear a proposal that’s original, unique, and captivating. I want you to be a hundred percent sure that you know what you’re doing before you waste everyone’s time like this. Do you understand? Am I being clear? I want a proposal that would definitely get us somewhere and not just by assuming we will.” 

Were you being too harsh? They said that the fashion industry in itself was harsh, so what was so surprising about seeing you being strict, candid, and business-like? This was the nature of your job. This was normal. 

9:47 AM. 

Very timidly did Nobara raise her hand beside you to chime in on the discussion. “I know I’m not in the position to make suggestions, but…” She pressed something on her laptop before carefully sliding it to your side of the table, showing you what appears to be a classic early 2000s ‘dress-up game’ with a base model and a selection of outfits that were inspired by your designs. “I just wanted to show you this, Ms. Y/N. I do agree with Ms. Ono’s idea to introduce style guides, but maybe we can do it in an interactive way. I know the dress-up game idea may look childish and unsophisticated, but I was kinda hoping that we can just make certain adjustments so that it could match Hearte’s classy and simplistic style. We can have base models in different body types and skin tones to show our brand’s diversity, then we can have shoppers try dressing them up using the outfits on our current collection. That allows them to easily visualize how the pieces would look on a certain skin tone and body type.” 

The way everyone else in that conference table looked at Nobara was very obvious that they were expecting you to reprimand her for even having the guts to offer such a farcical idea. What does she know? They were probably thinking that. You’re just an intern. You knew they were saying that in their minds. On the other hand, you surprisingly liked her proposal and enjoyed the unique idea of introducing it to the website because her proposal actually did make sense. People would be curious, people would try it out by interacting with the website, and that means the engagement would rise up. 

“I like that idea. We can go with that,” you said, sliding the laptop back to her while nodding at the marketing and social media managers, “I need the team to discuss Nobara’s idea further and polish it thoroughly before we can start adding it onto the website. Make adjustments as needed and ensure that everything is still in line with our brand. If you notice any flaws with this proposal, you can flag them with me and I’ll review them.” 

9:54 AM. 

Just as you were about to wrap up the meeting, a certain someone entered the conference room in haste—panting out of breath with her long, wavy hair and creased red pants. “I’m so sorry, I’m late.” 

Her casualness made you clench your jaws tightly, fueling the fire to your already terrible day. You could no longer stop yourself from unleashing your rage as you looked up at her with a critical squint. “Ms. Hirai, what time’s it?” 

“It’s ten, I know. I’m so sorry,” she repeated her apologies and paid an apologetic bow to everyone in the meeting room, “I’m sorry, everyone. I was caught up in heavy traffic today.” 

You let out a silent scoff and ignored her compunctious act. “How long are we gonna keep using that excuse, really?” you questioned her, earning the intrigued eyes of your employees who were all sensing the sudden tension between you and your best friend, “As the fashion merchandiser and my second-in-command, you should’ve been here in this meeting with me, but where were you? You anticipated that there would be heavy traffic, yet you couldn’t be responsible enough in coming to work early knowing that we have a meeting? Or was it because you’re too busy doing other things so you’re no longer interested in showing up to work on time?” 

Akemi shook her head, contritely. “It’s… It’s not like that.” 

“Not like what?” Your icy stare bored into her. No trace of compassion was present in your eyes. “I’m sure you’re living a very blissful life outside of work and I’m glad you are, but is that also why you don’t bother with anything else anymore?” 

“Y/N—”

“Miss Y/N,” you corrected, “I’m your boss, so treat me like one.” 

Wide, chocolate brown eyes greeted you in response. It was clear that she was at a loss of words and could only repeat her meaningless apologies a thousand times. “I’m really sorry, Ms. Y/N. It won’t happen again.” 

“You didn’t even let me know that you’ll be coming in late,” you continued and ignored the pitiful expression on her face, focusing on her swollen red lips and her dewy, rosy cheeks. She must have had a really good morning to look like a cherry blossom on a spring day. Was she so preoccupied being all lovey dovey with your ex-husband this morning? Did she sleep comfortably on the same marital bed you used to share with him? Your jaw tensed visibly. “You’re just coming in whenever you want. You don’t respect people’s time. You don’t respect my rules. You don’t respect me.” 

Yes, you were overreacting by taking things too personally and it was the reason why you got up from your seat and bolted out of the conference room upon realizing your unusual outburst. You could hear the clicking sound of your stiletto echoing across the corridor as you stomped towards your office, swinging the glass door open and heading straight towards the ceiling-to-floor window to have some peace of mind. Peace? How ridiculous. How could you find peace? You couldn’t even grasp the fact that your best friend was acting like everything was normal. You couldn’t understand why she was rubbing her relationship to your face as if she wasn’t just a placeholder to somebody’s ex wife.

“Y/N?” Akemi’s voice cut you out of your toxic trail of thoughts—your mouth thinning with displeasure while you didn’t bother turning around to meet her gaze. Breathe. You had to breathe and think rationally. “I…I understand you’re really angry right now, but I was hoping we can have this much needed talk.” 

You could feel her reaching for your hand at the height of your frustration and your defensive instinct led you to angrily swing your arm away, accidentally hitting her cheek as you pivoted on your heel to face her. It took two seconds for your eyes to shift from glaring in frustration to widening in surprise after seeing the small cut your diamond ring left on her cheek. “Are you okay?” 

“Y-Yeah, no, it’s fine,” she insisted with her palm pressed onto the right side of her face. “I deserved it.” 

Good lord. What was happening to you? Despite having all these unspoken rage and unresolved conflicts between the two of you, you would still drop everything and be concerned for her. You would still let your walls collapse. You were the villain that couldn’t stick to being a villain. Why? Why did you feel this way? Was it because you knew she wasn’t technically doing anything wrong? Or was it because you were just projecting your personal frustrations onto her? Was betrayal really the issue here? Or was it the huge possibility that she could in fact be Gojou’s one true love? You had thought of this before, but the same questions in your head never stopped. And never did they stop from invading your headspace as you made your way towards the small fridge to grab an ice pack that you soon offered to Akemi, leading her to one of the couches while finally coming into your senses. 

Yet there was silence and nothing but awkward silence when you two sat at a safe distance from each other. 

“I’m shameless.” She was the first one to break the uncomfortable atmosphere. “I know you’re thinking that and I do agree with you. I really am shameless to even look you in the eye right now.” 

You sighed and looked away, only to keep yourself from the furnace of pain that you had been bottling inside. “Stop. You’re making me seem like a villain right now. I’m tired of seeing myself this way.”

She closed her legs and sat humbly, reaching forward to squeeze your hand. “You’re not. You’re not a villain and you never were,” said the same woman you accidentally smacked a few minutes ago, “I understand why you would feel a certain way towards me. I’d even understand if you hate me so much that you wanna murder me. I’m your best friend and I know about your history with Satoru, yet here I am seeing your ex-husband behind your back. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t plan it. I truly didn’t. Even though you’re not together anymore and I’m technically not homewrecking anyone, I’m still putting us—you and I—in a really awkward position. You didn’t deserve any of that and I’m very sorry.” 

At least, she was self-aware. But looking at the brighter side of things, you were getting calmer now that you were hearing her side of the story, though that didn’t stop you from feeling any less horrible. “I don’t really care who you date,” you claimed, adamantly, “And I most definitely do not care who Satoru chooses to date. We’ve been divorced for three years.” 

“It’s still not right that I’m seeing him.” She let her guilt speak up for her. 

And you let your resentment speak for you. “Then, why him of all people?”

“It’s…” 

“Complicated?” 

“Y-Yeah…” 

You decided to keep a straight face. “How did this happen?” 

Akemi looked as if you had just forced her to be on the hot seat because of the apathy on your visage. “It was a drunken mistake at first and we kinda just…”

“I’m not asking about when you two started fucking,” you replied, bluntly. Something you had never done before in your usual sophisticated vocabulary. “I’m asking when you realized you have feelings for him. When did you fall in love with him?” 

She had trouble finding the right answer. “It just happened. I d-don’t really know. Whenever you asked me to look after him, I guess the bond he and I developed from that made me see him in a different light.” 

You disregarded the pain in your chest and let the volcano explode on its own, because her answer only meant that she was already growing feelings for your ex-husband at the same time you were confiding to her about him. That was the worst part of it all. 

“Why do you like him?” you questioned further, “Despite knowing what happened while I was married to him, why did you still end up falling in love with him? If that’s so hard to answer, then don’t think about us or me or our friendship. Just think about the decisions you made for yourself. Why are you with Satoru?” 

Her gaze found the floor. Hesitance. Guilt. Shame. Those emotions were all dancing in her eyes in a complete roundabout. While she took a moment to fully reassess her decision, you weren’t sure if you deserved to still feel hurt when she gave you an honest answer. “When I met Satoru, I didn’t meet the toxic, cheating ex-husband that he was known for,” she said, slowly, “I met a man who holds such a high respect for his ex-wife, adores his son like his greatest gift of all, and values his marriage more than anything else in this world. I met a vulnerable man who isn’t afraid to open his heart to strangers. A man who gave me emotional support even when he’s the one who needed it the most. I… It’s hard to explain, but…” 

Was there really anything left to say? Her point was clear, and your silence while she was speaking was more so because you were trying not to let the tiny pricks in your heart affect you further than it already did. The fullness of her voice and the way her eyes shined when she talked about him were enough to tell you that your best friend had truly fallen in love and you would be cruel to take that away from her. Even from him. They would not have been involved in such an intimate relationship if there had been no attraction between them to begin with, so then… Why did it feel like you were being cheated on? She was no Sera, and he was not the Satoru that only used you for his corporate ambitions. It was just Akemi and Satoru—they were each other’s right person at the right time. The only thing blocking their path to a loving relationship was you. 

You. The irrational and spiteful ex-wife. The ex-wife who always played the ‘victim card’. The selfish ex-wife who wanted all the good things to only come her way. 

Well, god be damned, because you were beginning to confuse yourself with the version of you that wasn’t even remotely like you at all. She was just a mirrored image of yourself that you thought people perceived. 

“You can do what you want.” The moment you spoke again, you were already creating a huge wall between you and your best friend, making sure that there were boundaries that none of you should ever cross now that she had chosen to be with someone you had sincerely loved in the past. It may sound like you were letting go, but truth be told, you just didn’t think that you even had the option to hold onto anything. Satoru wasn’t yours and you weren’t his anymore. You were two individuals living separate lives. “If you wanna be with him, that’s your choice. I don’t plan on intervening. It just… just really surprised me that you didn’t have the decency to tell me at all.” 

Akemi nodded, apologetically desperate. “I understand how you’re feeling and I’m sorry. I really, truly am sorry, Y/N.” Her voice and her countenance did show the genuineness in her plea to be forgiven, but you were too numb to feel anything else. “I hope we can stay friends despite everything.” 

How could you even stay friends in a situation like this? 

First option was to keep pretending that their relationship wasn’t bothering you. Second option was to focus on your own relationship with Toji to the point where everything else just didn’t matter anymore.

Yeah, you thought. You could certainly choose the latter. 

“Our friendship isn’t my top priority at the moment,” was your straightforward response to her, “I wanna focus on my son and his relationship with his father. That’s all.” 

Any regular person would have thought: ‘Wow, Y/N. You handled that well.’ ‘You’re so mature.’ ‘You’re a lot calmer than we expected.’ The thing was, you really did think that you had been way too calm about it. In spite of the scene you caused at the conference room, or the dramatic exchange you had with Akemi in your office, you still handled it much better than one would think. In TV shows or movies, the ex-wife would have dragged the best friend to the ground, slapped her face, pulled her hair, started a nasty catfight, and called her all the terrible labels you could think of. Look, part of you wanted to do that. And the other part of you—the sympathetic, altruistic part of you—thought you shouldn’t do that. You would only look pathetic. 

Of all the negative things Satoru had made you feel over the course of your failure of a marriage, this aftermath was probably the toughest. 

You just weren't in the right state of mind to justify why. 

You also couldn’t justify why you had been looking for unhealthy ways to cope with stress and anxiety. If anyone from your family saw you standing at the smoking area near the parking lot right now, they would have given you an earful of how you must be out of your mind for even putting a cigarette stick between your lips. How exactly could tobacco be good for you? You would say, first of all, that nicotine does in fact cause pleasant feelings to distract you from unpleasant ones. You couldn’t find any other way to relax your mind any faster than one cigarette stick could. Besides, staying in the office and seeing Akemi around was getting too suffocating and you couldn’t afford to have your negative mood lingering in your mind for the rest of the day. One stick wouldn’t hurt. Another one wouldn’t, too. And another one should be fine, right? 

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” 

The irony. You didn’t even have the time to recoil before the main cause of your stress showed up in front of you, frowning after he snatched the cigarette stick out of your lips. He was quick to throw it to the ground, stomp on it like he would do with your heart, and give you a questioning look that made you scoff at the ridiculousness of this situation. This could be a dream for heaven’s sake. Or a hallucination. There was no way Satoru Gojou would be standing right in front of you just as you were thinking about him.

“Since when have you been doing this?” he questioned again, holding your wrist this time to make you realize that his presence or this interaction wasn’t just a figment of your imagination. It would have been better that way, but the reality was, Satoru was there and he wasn’t the least bit pleased. “I know you’re mad at me and this isn’t the right time for me to chew you out like this, but…” he paused, taking your cigarette pack. “I can’t believe you’re fucking smoking right now, Y/N. Did you get this habit from Toji?”

Okay. Gojou could be way out-of-line sometimes, but this was the apex of it. 

“Don’t bring Toji into this,” you snapped back, shooting him a glare that could easily kill. “What are you doing here?”

You could see how deep his inhale was just by the loudness of his sigh after it. His face showed a combination of yearning, regret, frustration, and pity as if he was deciding which emotion should dominate him more. But among the multitude of emotions that were drowning him right now like a tidal wave, he looked all the more exhausted. Whether it was dealing with you, trying to make amends with you, or simply being around you—you could tell that he wanted to drop his constant need to care for you because it was beginning to tire him out. 

He didn’t really answer your question, and instead, asked one of his own. “Are you smoking because of stress?” he asked, trying to mask the sympathy in his eyes. “It’s bad for you. Set a good example for Sachiro.” 

You’re bad for me, you wanted to say. Why did it even matter to him, anyway? You were nothing more than just a mother to his child. Anything outside that role was completely not his business anymore. The fact that he was even within the vicinity of your office was ridiculous, because you were already having a bad day and his presence was adding further into it. “Don’t you dare talk about setting a good example to my son like you’re so righteous yourself.” 

“Y/N, come on.” He reached for your hand once more as if trying to show how much he cared or how worried he was with what you were doing to yourself because of him. “I don’t want you to—”

“Keep your fucking distance, Gojou. You’re not in the place to give a damn about me anymore,” you raged, withdrawing your wrist and breathing heavily as you tried to keep yourself from further exploding. You would have. You were so close to cursing him off, but you saw the flash of pure shock in his eyes, and that was how you realized what you just did. All these violent reactions, these unusual outbursts—these were not you. This was not the meek, soft-spoken ex-wife that he was once married to. 

“Toru?” 

Unfortunately, Gojou no longer had enough attention span to listen when he looked away, only to turn to his new woman with a genuinely worried expression painted on his face as soon as he saw her coming out of the building with a hand on her cheek. You realized that he was actually here to pick her up and was doing everything that a caring boyfriend would; checking every inch of her face to see how bad she was hurt and asking her what happened and whether she was okay. You didn’t know how to react the moment he turned back to you with his tired, yet passively accusatory eyes. “Did something happen?” 

You knew that his question actually translated to: ‘Did you slap her?’ With your thorough knowledge about his acquired trauma from physical violence, you felt the sudden need to clear your name, but you didn’t know if you should be grateful that it was already your best friend who did the part in doing such. “Nothing happened. It was an accident.” Her tone was almost begging before she started tugging his arm. “Let’s just go, please.” 

Satoru didn’t want to let it go, but decided that it was best to just leave it be as he glanced at you with a slightly detached gaze. “I’ll see you in a couple of days,” he reminded, referring to the dreaded New York trip together with Sachiro. 

A conflicted look from him and an apologetic gaze from her. That was all that you received before they got inside the car and left you alone and miserable in that parking lot. You watched his car fade into view with her on the passenger seat and him probably holding her hand as he drove through the street. Just when you thought you could actually stomach the sight of him and her together, it would be a big fat lie to say that it didn’t sting. It stung worse than the times he ran after Sera than to stay behind with you. Worse than when he used to treat you like a mistress rather than a wife. 

You must be going crazy, indeed. Who in their right mind would cry over her ex-husband in the middle of the parking lot? Why would you even shed tears when you were the one who wanted him to find someone else and move on? This was becoming a never-ending loop because you were letting yourself be affected by it. It shouldn’t be that way. Never. 

“Toji.” You were doing your hardest to conceal the weakness in your voice as you pressed your phone into your right ear. “I-I need you… right now. Please.” 

“Hey, I was just about to pick-up Sachi from daycare. Is everything okay?” 

Wiping your eyes, you looked at the dull skies wondering if the universe was trying to reflect all these emotions running inside of you. “Yeah… Can you come soon?” 

He didn’t really hesitate to answer, quickly understanding that he had to drop everything else right now and be with you. “Alright, I’ll be there.” 

Satoru was conflicted, but he didn’t know what exactly made him feel that way. Was it because he saw you smoking in the parking lot? Or was it because he could tell that you gave Akemi a tongue-lashing after catching her half-naked at the penthouse a few days ago? Either way, both options were not very you. And he couldn’t understand why you were slowly starting to look less and less like the person he knew, which was confusing on his part because you had been adamant on telling him to forget about you. You were rigid on your decision to not let him enter your life as your husband for the second time around. He told you he still loved you, but you said you loved another. He told you he wanted to work things out and make your family complete again, but you said you were already doing that with someone else. Gojou knew his hands weren’t clean and the reason you may be acting that way was because out of all the women he could have been with, it had to be Akemi Hirai. Your best friend. Your confidante. Your business partner. She was a territory he shouldn’t have crossed, yet he did. 

But, at the same time, she was the only person who had been there for him during his lowest. She was the company he needed when his heart was the loneliest. He couldn’t even remember the amount of times she came to his aid when he was crying over his memories of you, memories that he could no longer hold onto. Akemi brought peace to his heart, and if there was anyone else he could be with, it would be her. 

It was becoming more and more clear to him how he felt about her. 

Although, voicing that out loud was a different story. Keeping it in his thoughts was for the best because he didn’t want to lead Akemi on. She didn’t deserve that nor did she deserve to feel like a substitute for someone else. He wanted to be a hundred percent sure about being with her before he could fully confess his real feelings for her. It could still develop through time, perhaps far better and more passionate than what he was sharing with her right now, but until then, settling for what they had at this moment in time was for the better. What was important was that both parties were clear about diving into this relationship. 

He wasn’t ready for commitment and she understood that. She was willing to wait for him. She was helping him move on in the least painful way. Where else could he meet such a person like her? 

She was gentle, motherly, sensitive, and intuitive. She was classy and sophisticated. She knew how to dress nicely. Her nails were always clean and pretty. Her smile was very charming. Her laugh, endearing. She was the perfect woman anyone could have. 

“Why’d you suddenly want to go to the mall?” she asked, intertwining their hands together as she looked up at him with her beautiful doe eyes. Her question made him cut out of his trance, remembering that they were strolling around the galleria. 

He touched the small wound on her cheek as if stroking it could make it heal faster. “Nothing,” he said. “Just a last minute idea.”

Truthfully, Gojou wasn’t sure why he had brought her there. All he knew was that he had a lot going on in his mind while he was driving through the city and the next thing he knew, he was already pulling up at the galleria out of his natural instinct. But since they were already there, he might as well buy her a little something. Anything. And then his eyes caught sight of Chanel as if the high-end boutique was pulling his feet with such gravity that it led him to go inside the store while hand-in-hand with the woman next to him. 

“Mr. Gojou, how are you?” 

Right. The staff knew him so well, especially for the amount of times he had been there with his ex-wife when you two were still married. 

“Are you looking for anything specific?” One of the familiar ladies that used to assist you approached him with a lingering stare towards Akemi. “Perhaps for your…?”

He cleared his throat. “Yeah, can you… uh,” he turned towards the rack of tweed sets, “Do you have any new collections?” 

“Yes, absolutely,” said another lady, “Right this way, sir.” 

It was easy to notice how the staff were exchanging glances at the sight of Satoru and Akemi together, but his mind was far too distracted by the nostalgia of being in that place alone to even care about his surroundings. All he did was look back at Akemi and encourage her to try out the newest collections that they had, thinking that she was oblivious about what was going through his head. “You go and pick whatever you like.” 

Although she was clearly not used to it, Akemi did eventually try on some of the outfits he specifically had chosen for her. They were Chanel’s signature tweed sets that he always found to be very elegant, and he definitely wasn’t wrong that they would suit her when she came out of the dressing room to show him how the clothes wrapped her small frame perfectly. 

He could see your smile through her face, your excitement when you tried the outfits on, and the shine in your eyes when you looked at yourself in the mirror. Except, Gojou had to remind himself that you weren’t her. That his mind was just messing with him. 

No, this was wrong. Why was he thinking about you while he was with her? 

He had to have some sort of distraction. Something so tangible that all of his senses would go numb. 

The one way he was able to overcome that dilemma was by sharing yet another steamy exchange with Akemi later that night. He couldn’t remember who initiated first, but it must have been the equal desire that they had for each other when they dove straight into a heated makeout session the moment they stepped inside his bedroom. One thing led to another. First he was kissing her lips, then her collarbones, then her inner thighs—devouring her completely with his lust-driven actions, doing the most by pleasuring her body using his own.��

She was a giver just as she was a receiver. Not that he didn’t expect her to be so experienced when it came to sex, but she definitely knew what she was doing without any guidance from him. Perhaps he just wasn’t used to it anymore. Perhaps he had just forgotten how it felt to have sex with someone who didn’t rely on him to initiate the next steps they should do. Fuck, he couldn’t even remember the last time someone stared at his eyes while putting his hardened member inside her mouth the way she did. She knew her power over him while at his most vulnerable state, ruining his masculine ego and destroying it with her own feminine pride. 

And in the midst of their intimate session, Gojou was zoning out while he was sliding a condom across his shaft, ready to enter her from the back. His mind was giving him a flash of memory, not a distant but recent one from two days ago.

“I still can’t believe you did that, Mom. You’re being ridiculous.” 

His mother wasn’t exactly showing the slightest hint of regret on her face despite knowing full well that sending the custody claim almost made you lose your mind. She was keeping a straight face as she sat on the barstool next to him, taking a sip of wine from her glass while he, on his own, was downing a glass of scotch. “She had it coming.”

Satoru sighed his frustration away. “Don’t do that again or today’s the last time you’ll ever see me.” 

“What are you talking about?” His mother frowned. “Who was there for you when you were trying to end your own life because of the lies she told you, huh? You’re feeling bad for her now, but did she feel bad for you back then? You missed three years of your son’s life because she was being too spiteful towards you.” 

He had never met someone more stubborn than his own mother, but maybe this was a clear sign for Satoru to realize where he must have acquired that one similar trait of his. After all, people always made it seem that he was more like his dad even though he despised being compared to his father. To say that his mother was a complete angel was a lie. But neither was he. “Whatever, just don’t… Just leave Y/N alone. She’s still the mother of my child and I don’t want us to keep fighting. At least, for Sachi’s sake.” 

His mother finished her glass of wine before turning the stool towards his direction. There was a minute of silence that passed between them before she spoke again. “I just don’t want you to get back with her, darling. You two are toxic together.” 

Funny, because he could say the same thing for her and his father. “Well, it’s not gonna happen now. Y/N’s gonna hate me forever.” 

“What, ‘cause she rejected you again?” 

“No,” he countered, shaking his head and chugging all the remaining liquor on his glass. “She knows about the thing I have with Akemi now.” 

Her mouth fell open, gasping as she did so. “Y-You… and Akemi? Are you together?” 

Satoru expected this reaction from her, but didn’t think she would actually be more fixated on his new relationship than the effect it would bring on her ex-daughter-in-law. “It’s not something to be proud of, Mom.” 

“Well, I’m proud of you,” she still stressed that fact, “It’s nice to hear that you’re finally moving on, Satoru. Y/N is not good for you, but I know Akemi will be. I like her and I know she’ll make you a lot happier than Y/N ever did.” 

“You’re still awake?” Gojou let out a yawn as he felt the heaviness of his eyelids telling him that it was time to sleep. He tried checking the time on his phone, but realized that he still had the photo of you and Sachiro as his lockscreen. He wasn’t planning on changing it anytime soon, but considering that Akemi saw it, he was expecting that she would have something to say, yet nothing came out of her mouth. She simply stayed silent while laying on his chest, letting him touch the slope of her naked back as she slightly raised her head to meet his eyes. He had already closed his phone and placed it back on the nightstand. “What, did I not tire you enough?” 

“Shut up.” She hid her reddened cheeks and smiled on the crook of his neck. Her hand was placed on his chest, fingers tracing his collarbones. “No, I’m just thinking about how you’re gonna manage New York and all.” 

Satoru’s breathing was still for a few seconds, keeping his eyes glued on the ceiling as he held her on your marital bed. “You’re scared that the infamous cheater is gonna cheat on you or something?” he joked, a distasteful one, but still meant to ease whatever was burdening her mind. “Not gonna happen even if we’re in an open relationship.” 

“That’s not it,” Akemi quickly replied, denying his claims, “I’m more like hoping that you’ll be patient with her. She gets angry a lot these days and we know we’re the main cause of it, so please. Please don’t try to argue with her, okay? If she says hurtful things, learn to understand her.” 

He wrapped his arms tighter around her smaller frame. Gojou was certain that he was about to doze off soon now that he had closed his eyes and let the exhaustion pull him into a good night’s sleep. “I won’t,” he spoke his words slowly, drifting off to dreamland, “I won’t make her angry.” 

“Okay.” He felt her lips kissing his jaw just before the both of them gradually matched the calmness of each other’s chest. One heart, one soul, two bodies.  “Good night, ‘Toru.” 

…

…

…

In the middle of his sleep, he mumbled, “Good night, Y/N.”

On the other side of the city, you woke up in the middle of your slumber, facing the handsome face of your fiancé, Toji Zen’in, who had already drifted off to dreamland while holding you in his muscular arms. No wonder people were jealous of you for having such a refined man like him in your bed every night you go to sleep. The thing was, you had no reason to feel discontented with your life since you already had everything. You were wealthier than the average person, you ran a business that you were passionate about, you had an adorable son who meant the world to you, and you had Toji. There was nothing else you could ask for. And if by remembering Sera’s words back then, you would be selfish to ask for anything more because others didn’t even have half the fortune you had. 

So, in that sense, you should be happy. 

You had to be happy. 

You were happy, right? 

“Go to sleep,” whispered a half-awake Toji, stirring from his sleep as he held your waist tighter like you were his comfort pillow. “You alright?” 

Sighing inwardly, you traced the scar on his lips. “You’re so gorgeous.”

His lazy, boyish smile came into view. “I know that,” he joked, closing his eyes as if succumbing into a few more minutes of sleep. “Don’t tell me you’re turned on right now ‘cause I can go all night. Doggy. Missionary. Cowboy. Reverse cowboy.” 

Were you? Maybe a little. And maybe you had to have a distraction from your ‘source of happiness’. 

“That’s very naughty of you, Mr. Zen’in,” you replied, cheeks heating up from his vulgar words. Your hand was finding its way to his toned chest, while his were traveling to the curves of your waist and hips. You could feel him angling his body to make sure he had access to slide your underwear just a little above your knee, gliding his hand along your thigh before letting his fingers touch your sensitive bud. “T-Toji—”

A smirk appeared on his lips. “Hm? I thought you wanted this?” 

You nodded, taking a deep breath. “Y-Yeah, I…” There was no use holding back from moaning because his fingers knew how to move perfectly well, playing with your clit in circular motions before sliding two of them into your entrance. “...Fuck.”

“Feel good?” His hot breath tickled your neck, moving his mouth from your collarbones down to the valley between your breasts. “Wish you knew how delicious you are.” 

Another moan, much louder this time around, escaped your lips when he attached his mouth onto your breast, sucking the round mass with his tongue doing God’s work. You were so high into sexual desire that your back arched on its own, dominated by the pleasing sensation all over your body. You could barely even respond to him when he started asking why your mood had been so down when he picked you up after work or why you still wouldn’t tell him whatever happened back there. 

“It’s nothing,” you replied, disregarding the painful encounter you’ve had with your ex-husband and your best friend. “...Just work stuff.” 

As you closed your eyes, you could feel Satoru’s fingers entering deep inside of you, deep enough to have reached your g-spot and have you moaning wildly. It felt unreal. It felt goddamn out of this world. But since Satoru was familiar with every inch of your body, his touch alone could easily send you to seventh heaven. He was heavenly. He was saintly. That mesmerizing gaze of his paired with his sky blue eyes and messy white hair. His beautiful, beautiful face, watching you beg for him to do more. More. More…

“Satoru…”

The intense feeling suddenly stopped, awakening you back to your senses as you opened your eyes and saw the dark, animalistic gaze of Toji Zen’in. “What’d you say?” he asked in a deep voice. 

Out of panic, you slightly pulled away and shook your head. “N-Nothing. What did I say?”

“I thought I heard you say his…” he trailed off, pulling his fingers out of you and instead, placing a tight grip on your hip. “Did you?” 

“No, no. Not at all.” Your voice came in a hushed tone, looking at his eyes intently. “Why would I do that?” 

He let out an exasperated sigh, falling back into the bed with one arm under his head. “Don’t play games with me, Y/N.”

Desperation led you to climb on top of him, sitting on his crotch before encasing your lips with his soft ones. “I’m not,” you mumbled, kissing him again. “I never did. I promise.” 

Yet, despite your attempts at inviting him for an open-mouthed kiss, he had already lost the interest to engage in sexual activities with you. He didn’t say anything nor tried to argue about the shit that you said, but he did stay silent for a couple of minutes, simply holding you on top of him without another word to utter. It scared you to think what was going through Toji’s mind, but this was also all your fault. Why, in the first place, did you even let your mind imagine that white-haired toxic ex-husband of yours when you had Toji Zen’in in front you? 

Perhaps in this relationship, you were the toxic one. 

You were the poison that could kill the life out of the man who only wanted to love and heal you. 

“Toji, I’m sorry…” 

He held his breath. “Should I be concerned that you’re going on a trip with him?” 

“No, it’s…” Pulling away, you gave him a look of combined sincerity and denial. “We’re just gonna fix Sachiro’s papers, you know that. We won’t even be staying in the same room.” 

Fixing Sachiro’s papers. Dealing with his dual citizenship. Changing his last name to Gojou. Solidifying your son’s identity as the son of Satoru Gojou. That’s all there is to it. All the technical matters. 

“Is he staying at a hotel or are you letting him stay at your apartment in Manhattan?” he asked, although there was no hint of suspicion in his voice. Or at least, he must be good at hiding it. 

You chose to be honest. “I have to let him stay at my apartment,” was your answer, leaning your head on his shoulder. “Only because Sachi wants his dad around all the time. We’re just trying our best to co-parent.” 

Toji’s dry humor took over. “You sure you’re not gonna let him fuck you senseless?” His tone was laced with resentment. “And then you’ll come home to me crying about how he got you pregnant for the second time. You’d better kiss our marriage goodbye if that happens.” 

“What kind of person do you think I am?” you retorted, annoyed by his word of choice as if you were a cheating scumbag. “If he’s gonna get someone pregnant, that won’t be me.” 

His eyes sparked with curiosity. “What do you mean?” 

Deciding between telling and not telling, you figured that the latter would only cause more drama to bounce back at you like a boomerang. “He’s with Akemi.” 

It looked like Toji didn’t hear it right. “Akemi? How’d that happen?” 

“I don’t know what kinda relationship they have, okay?” you snapped, no longer wanting to keep up with this topic further. “I just caught them. They said they’re seeing each other, but it’s complicated or whatever—I don’t really give a damn. But he’s with her is all I know.” 

Toji went silent for a few minutes, unable to determine whether he should find the situation pitiful or humorous. One thing for sure though, was that he found it unbelievable. “That son of a bitch,” he muttered under his breath, smiling in disbelief, “So this is what’s ruining your mood these days, huh?” 

Your eyebrows furrowed in response. “It’s not.” 

“Your ex-husband slept with your best friend. Yeah, I’d be mad, too.” His comment wasn’t really meant to irk you, but he successfully did so. Minus the intention. “Getting mad is understandable, getting jealous is questionable. Which one are you?” 

Fuck it. “I said I’m not jealous. Will you stop now?” You sunk yourself under the covers, turning your back on Toji. “I don’t wanna talk about it.” 

Now that he knew and you saw his reaction, you wondered what it would be like if Gen and Ian knew. Or if your dad knew. What would they think of Satoru? What would they think of Akemi? No, nevermind that. What would they think of you? Another fool in a deck of cards? Another game that was played with? 

You didn’t want to know. 

Ideally, you and Satoru really shouldn’t have gone to this New York trip together as if your family was still intact, because as much as you wished that that was true, you were far from that. You were only playing house for the sake of your son, but that also meant putting you in a painfully awkward situation together as ex-spouses. He had a girlfriend back home and you had a loving and loyal fiancé who proved the whole word that he was loyal to you. And although your respective partners were supporting the whole co-parenting situation, you knew by yourselves that this was nowhere to near to being comfortable for them, too. 

“Everything okay?” You heard the familiar voice of your past, only to see his dull, blue eyes taking a peek at you. 

“Yeah,” you replied, almost inaudibly. You just boarded the plane while Satoru was talking to the pilot, and found your spot on one of the beds in his private jet. It took a few minutes for him to get to where you were now. “Why?” 

He shrugged, eyeing a sleepy Sachiro next to you. “Just wanna make sure you and Sachi are comfortable.” 

You didn’t know what else to say, so you just looked back at your peaceful son who was hugging his elmo plush like the cute angel he was. Even though he was growing so fast, you could still remember how he was just as small as a puppy in your arms when he was first born. The memory of it caused you to press your lips on his forehead, caressing his soft, white hair. At some point while observing the scene, your son’s father thought it would be a good idea to slide the blanket further up your shoulders, acting as though he was only doing it to keep Sachiro warm. And later, he sat on the reclined airplane seat, drinking the coffee that was served to him by the stewardess. 

It was crazy. 

Crazy that Toji could be lying next to you and you would feel nothing. But Gojou was meters away from you and your mind was on a never-ending race. 

Just before noon, the airplane landed safely at JFK airport and Satoru’s driver took you straight to Central Park Towers, treated like a V.I.P. by security just because your ex-husband was Japan’s third richest person and second most influential businessman. At times like these, you would almost forget the power Satoru held even before he was the chairman. You two were almost royalty. Now that he was leading the Gojou Group, his reputation only grew more despite the scandal of your broken marriage. He knew not to share his relationship publicly anymore nor did he expose Sachiro to any of his social media. It was a mutual decision for you to keep your son away from the spotlight knowing the scrutiny and the lack of privacy that would enter your lives once again—all the unnecessary noise, the unwanted comments, the unruly attention. Besides, for safety reasons, Sachiro had to be hidden from the public since he would become the sole heir to his father’s conglomerate, inheriting his parents combined assets that could one day make him the richest and most sought after bachelor in Japan. 

“Mamaaa!” A lively Sachi came running to you as soon as he entered the lobby of the apartment suites, his father following him behind. 

“Careful, baby!” you said, standing at the lobby while talking to your housekeeper, “You might trip.” 

Satoru decided to carry his son after noticing your worried expression and immediately walked towards you. He was all smiles as he looked at Sachiro’s cheerful blue eyes. “He seems a little excited, isn’t he?” 

“He lived here for almost three years,” you answered, signaling a quick ‘thank you’ to your housekeeper before guiding your boys to the elevator. “He must’ve missed the place. Did you, Sachi?”

“Yes, mama~”

It was a little bittersweet for your ex-husband, though. Especially the moment he stepped inside the apartment, looking at every corner and realizing that it was the same place you had lived in back when he was suffering from emotional distress on the other side of the world. This apartment was where his own child grew up in and he had no idea he had even existen then. Not only did that make you a terrible ex-wife, but it also made you a heartless mother. You had separated them and now you were taking him to the place where you had his son hidden from him. 

That wasn’t your intention. That was never your intention. 

“I’m glad you chose a nice place,” he complimented, acting as casual as possible. “Does your father own this place or?”

“Gen loaned it to me,” you said, holding Sachiro’s hand while letting Satoru follow you closely. You stopped at one of the guest rooms and urged the tall man to feel at home. “You can stay here for the meantime.” 

“I don’t wanna make things uncomfortable for Akemi.” He looked away, avoiding your eyes. “I can just stay at a hotel—” 

“Dada!” His mini-me tugged at his hand along with yours. You already knew that those puppy eyes would look back at the both of you. “Sachi wants Dada to stay.”

Frankly, you weren’t upset a while ago, but since he had to bring up Akemi and make it seem like her feelings were his priority, you lost all the will to be kind. Was their relationship that deep for him to act like such a loyal, righteous partner? Where was that same loyalty when he married you? “Do whatever.” 

Noticing the tension between his parents, Sachiro’s eyes started to well up with tears and that was all it took for you two to completely focus your attention back to your 3-year old. 

“Sachi…” Satoru tried to reach for his son, but you (spitefully) beat him to it. 

“It’s okay, my baby. Don’t cry,” you comforted your son, picking him up and carrying him in your arms, “Daddy will still visit you every day even if he's staying at a hotel.” 

Satoru, as guilty as ever, shook his head and wiped his son’s eyes. “No. I’ll stay here for Sachi, okay? Don’t cry anymore.” 

It felt like hours sitting on that enormous sofa, staring at the television screen even though your mind was miles away. You had already texted Toji good night and reassured him that everything was fine, but you still couldn’t stop thinking about what he was doing back home. Sachiro had fallen asleep almost half an hour ago, and how you wished you could also enjoy your slumber while snuggling under those heated blankets, but how could you? How could you be comfortable in the presence of an ex-husband who was coming out of his room, freshly showered in his low-waisted sweatpants and tight-fitting black shirt? Not to mention how he was obviously flexing his arms while drying his mop of messy, white hair with a towel. Ridiculous. A little seductive, but definitely ridiculous. 

“Still up?” His sky blue eyes met yours as soon as he looked up. 

You adjusted your position on the sofa and leaned on the corner, pulling a small cushion to place above your thighs. “Can’t sleep.” 

And the night went on just like that. You, sitting on the couch. Him, sitting on the other end as if going near you might suffocate him. It didn’t help that the silence was beginning to be too uncomfortable. You couldn’t tell what he was thinking of. Perhaps Akemi? Perhaps you? You doubted the latter. 

“I think…” You cleared your throat to escape from the awkward tension. “I think I’m gonna go for a night swim. You can go to sleep next to Sachi tonight, just make sure not to wake him up.” 

Satoru’s curious gaze trailed on you as you got up and tightened your robe. “It’s a little too late at night to go for a swim, no?” 

You couldn’t even face him as you responded. “I need to clear my mind off some things.” And by things, you meant him and this whole mess of a situation that you had put yourselves together. Two divorcees staying in the same living space wasn’t exactly a brilliant idea to begin with.

“Want me to join you?” asked Satoru, and he himself could not believe he asked that question. He may have asked it out of his innate care for you, probably worried for no damn reason. What he didn’t realize was how wrong his suggestion was, especially that you two were dating other people now. 

If only you were such a cruel person, how ironic would it be if you allowed Satoru Gojou to join you for a quick night swim? 

How ironic would it be for you to feel each other’s warmth under the crystal pool, getting carried away by the romantic lights that lit the city? 

How ironic would it be if the intense sexual tension ended with you doing things under the sheets, completely disregarding the fact that the both of you had respective partners who were overthinking this exact NYC trip?

How ironic would it be if, for once in your life, you became the cheater? 

Thankfully, you didn’t have the mindset of a cheating person. 

However, it was Satoru who took back his initial offer. “Never mind. Forget I even asked that,” he muttered, sounding annoyed more so to himself rather than at you. 

You offered a nonchalant shrug. “Okay.” 

And as you were heading to the poolside, you could sense Gojou’s presence behind even though he just very clearly rejected the idea of going on a swim with you. He was still the same confusing man that you married before. Only now, he was ten times worse. “Wait, Y/N.”

“What?” You turned around, annoyed at his push-and-pull behavior. At this point, you didn’t really care what he was thinking of anymore. All you did was to take off your robe, leaving yourself with only your underwear on before you slowly got down on the pool. 

Gojou, on the other hand, was ridding himself of his shirt and sweatpants to join you in the pool with just his boxers on. What even was this situation? You two had that same question in your head despite swimming at the edge of the pool to stare at the cityscape. “I only asked to join you because I wanted to talk. That’s all.” 

You wanted to laugh at how he was clearing his intentions to you. 

“Why do you sound defensive around me?” He couldn’t see it, but you were rolling your eyes as you leaned against the pool coping. “I never knew Akemi would be the jealous type.” 

Satoru looked surprised by your claim, seeming as though he didn’t recognize the kind of person you were anymore. You were never this unreasonably sarcastic nor acidic with your words during your marriage even at the height of his affair with Sera, yet you had just become the worst version of yourself. “She isn’t,” he muttered, finding his spot next to you, “But I don’t wanna give her a reason to be.” 

You huffed. “Don’t get ahead of yourself. You make it sound like I’m gonna make a move on you or something.” 

“I never said that.” 

“You were thinking about it.” 

“Says who?” 

What is it about Satoru Gojou that makes him so irritating? Was it the way he talks? The way he thinks he’s always right? The way he acts like he’s such a clean person? 

“Please,” you retorted, bitterly. “Toji isn’t comfortable having you around me, either. Just so you know.” 

“Can we just—” There. His last string of patience finally snapped and his true colors came to show when he grabbed your wrist and made you face him. The spiteful Satoru. He was back, even just for a second. “Y/N, I’m not trying to argue with you here. I’m trying to talk to you like a civilized person. You’re the mother of my child and I respect you. I’d still care for you and will always protect you, but I want you to at least act like a fucking person around me. You’re a grown woman.” 

Wasn’t it bad that he, of all people, was basically telling you to grow up? Memories of your marriage and all the back-and-forth arguments that you had with him flashed before your eyes. He should be the last one to say such a thing. “You’re the one who’s been crossing the fucking line with me since day one, Gojou. Don’t tell me to—”

“And do you wish I had just killed myself for you to forgive me?!” The ridges of his neck became prominent, making his anger much visible now. He was staring down at you intensely, backing you against the edge of the pool, trapping you in between his arms. “I’d have probably done that. But you…You did unforgivable things to me and look how easy it was for me to forgive you.” 

You looked away, not trying to have this conversation again. Not trying to have your guilt eat your heart out. Maybe your behavior really had become too much and it was about time you take a step back and realize how ridiculous you had been acting because no way was this man trying to make a better point than you. 

“I slept with Akemi, I know. She’s your best friend, I fucking know. But I never did that to get back at you,” his voice bore so much authority in them. “I begged on my knees just to be with you again. Swallowed my pride just for you to be my wife again!” His breathing became ragged. “But you chose to move on. You said you love Toji. You said you’d be happier without me, so why don’t I deserve to be happy without you?” 

The inability to speak wasn’t because you were at a loss of words. The problem was choosing the right ones. Words that wouldn’t put you in a disadvantageous position. Words that wouldn’t make you look like an unreasonable person. 

“You wished me well when you first found out about Akemi and I. You said you don’t care who I choose to date even if that choice is her,” he said, much calmer this time. He was placing his forehead against yours, body pressed against each other. “If that was true, then why are you still so angry with me?” 

Your heart raced as you locked eyes with him. His eyes were the same kind of blue that reflected off of the surface of the pool. Anyone could easily get lost in it, but you knew where to place yourself in order not to. “I’m… not angry…” 

“Baby, you and I both know that’s not true,” he said with a serious gaze, lifting your chin with his hand. 

But you swatted it away, averting your eyes. “Don’t call me baby. You’re being ridiculous.” 

With a loud sigh, Gojou gave up and simply placed his forehead on your shoulder, letting you feel the weight of his head and the warmth of his breath. “If you were still my wife, I’d have kissed you right now,” he declared, breathing heavily as if stopping with all of his will to do what he just said. “I’d touch every inch of you, tell you how much I love you, carry you back into that room, and make more beautiful babies with you…” 

“Satoru,” you warned just as he pulled away, smiling despite the sorrow in his eyes. 

“…But I won’t do that. I’m not gonna do that,” he claimed and sounded like he was convincing himself rather than clearing it up. “Akemi doesn’t deserve a partner who can’t move on from his ex-wife, so I’m doing my best to forget about you.” 

Your breathing took a halt. You weren’t sure where those tiny pricks in your heart came from. Toji needed the same. He deserved a wife who wasn’t pining for her ex-husband. Satoru was just being true. 

“Then, forget about me,” you gave a barely audible reply. 

Gojou pulled away and kept his distance now, showing that he was indeed trying to stick to his words. “I will.” 

Why did it hurt when it shouldn’t have? 

“Good.” 

He looked at you with eyes that carried a million emotions. But what was most visible was him seeing the light, probably realizing that he truly was doing the right thing and that he was proud of himself for being able to resist you. Because then, that only meant he was only a few steps away from the path of moving on. That if he could let you go, then he could live a better life. 

It only made sense why he pulled that little stunt back there—being close enough to you was probably his way of differentiating how his body reacted to you versus how it reacted to Akemi. And now that he was able to determine whatever difference that might be, it would be easier for him to know what exactly to avoid. 

After all, you two would be spending the rest of your lives as a present mom and dad to Sachiro. Co-parenting was your only connection and the only way to make that work without falling for each other was to rid yourselves of any kind of attraction towards one another. 

Good for him. 

“Let’s be good parents, Y/N.” Satoru looked at you from across the pool. “Let’s set a good example for Sachi and show that divorced parents can still be good parents. Let’s not be toxic to each other, especially not in front of him.” His words were coming from his personal experience and as you knew the whole history behind the mess within his family, you were truthfully considerate of his words. His traumatic experiences were what shaped him to become the problematic man you once married, and he was doing his best not to let his own son be the same. “I’ll provide Sachiro with everything he needs and I’ll always be present in his life, so please let me have as much time with him as possible. I’m making up for the three years I lost with him.” 

You nodded. “I don’t have a problem with that. 

As the established relationship you had with Gojou became more professional and strictly transactional, the distance between you two also grew more and more. There was no longer any space for love and intimacy. There was only familiarity and acquaintanceship. 

“Go to sleep soon,” he said without sending another glance your way, climbing out of the pool and reaching for his clothes, “We have a long day tomorrow.” 

[m0nsterqzzz]

Cat's Out of the Bag La Rue

pairing: Clarisse La Rue x reader

summary: Valentines Day rolls around, and what kind of girlfriend would Clarisse be if she didnt get you the only present you've been wanting?

a/n: i wrote like 5 fucking valentines day fics yesterday (one with natasha, one with wanda, one with clarisse, one with carol danvers, and one with katniss everdeen) yet this is the only one im posting and i kinda hate it. literally the shortest oneshot i've ever written. also, I'm literally a dog person writing about cats. what has life come to?

is this the worst thing i've ever written? yes. do i hate every other piece of written recently cuz im in writers block and haven't updated in like 3 weeks? also yes. im so done yall.

With a baseball cap covering her head, tucking her curls against her head and being the best disguise she could come up with, Clarisse’s eyes dart all around the cab. It zooms through the streets of New York, making the child of Are’s slightly concerned for her and her siblings safety as they get honked out. The man driving seems like he’s barely paying attention to the road, but in the end it doesn’t really matter as long as they get to their destination. 

There are three children in the yellow car; Clarisse, her half brother Mark, and her half sister Ruby. They were the only ones who she could convince to come with her to town, past the safe bounds of camp half blood where nothing but their weapons can stop monsters from hunting and hurting them.

It’d be a lie to say Clarisse isn’t nervous, but she pushes the feeling down as she grips her spear tighter in her left hand. 

This is for you. She’s going into town and risking getting in trouble for the end result of seeing her favorite smile. Your smile. Her partner of one year. It may not seem like a very long time to some people, but you guys are demigods. It’s surprising you made it through the year without being killed by some horrible, ugly monster.

The car stops and the guy counts the large amount of money Mark hands him before telling them to get out of his cab. It may have annoyed the teenagers on any other day, but it doesn’t bother them too much since today is a special day.

“Why are we here?” Ruby asks, eyes scanning the area around them as if sure something is going to jump out at them. In the blonde haired girl's defense, it’s very possible something will.

Clarisse gestures to the small building in front of them. It’s run down and in desperate need of a paint job, but it doesn’t matter. That’s not what grabs the child of Ares attention. It’s the small animals chilling in their little spots inside the store. That’s what she’s here for.

The sign above the small colorful store reads, “Mike’s Animals”. Boring name, but gets the point across. She can already see the little animal she came here for when they walk through the door, the loud bell ringing from the action of opening it but no employee comes to help them. Clarisse lets her siblings stare in awe at the other animals for a few months before shoving towards a section near the back. The kitten section. You had been showing her a website on your phone a few days ago, one with a different selection of the small animals. The website was for Mike’s Animals, but you explained that even though you’d really like a cat, pets aren’t allowed in Camp Half Blood. It’s a rule.

Well you wanna know what Clarisse says about that? Screw rules. What her person want’s, her person gets.

So if the police ever come around, asking you why Clarisse shoved a black and white kitten into her brother's coat pocket and then made a run for it while the store manager chased after them, that’s what you have to say.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

You're laying on your bed reading a book when your girlfriend walks in, a large box covered by a piece of fabric under one arm and a bouquet of flowers in her free hand. She ignores your siblings' gazes as she walks towards your space, setting down the box with a type of gentleness nobody in camp but you gets to see and then holding out the flowers.

They’re your favorite, clearly straight out of the flower fields by the slight glow they give off. They’re wrapped in a brown type of paper with a pink bow clearly down by one of the Aphrodite kids to hold it all together.

“Hey my love.” She starts. “These are for you.” You take the plants with a large grin on your face, bringing them closer to your face to smell the amazing natural scent coming from them. Something moves inside the box she sat on your bed, making you hold in a scream as you jump closer to your girlfriend and farther away from it. “What the hell is moving in that Clarisse?!” You ask, your siblings' attention all over you guys now.

Clarisse just laughs, but she seems slightly nervous as she puts the crate in your lap. “Just look. I hope you like it.” She continues to nervously ramble as you remove the cloth from the top of the box, letting out a small gasp when you see the small animal looking back at you with wide, curious blue eyes.

Your girlfriend stares as you gently pick him up, him instantly curling into your hold with a soft pur as you hold him close to your chest. “You um…you like him?” She asks with a small smile.

“Of course I do! He’s adorable, Risse!” She lets out a relieved sigh, laying down next to you as your siblings surround the bed trying to get a look at the animal. “You know Chiron will never let you keep that right?” One of your brothers asks with a laugh, and you frown as you look at your girlfriend.

She thinks about it for a moment before she says, “We’ll just hide him. He can lounge around the cabin while you’re gone, and you guys can hide him somewhere during cabin checks. Chiron will never know.”

Your siblings eventually leave you alone, going back to their acticicus as your two favorite beings cuddle up to you. Clarisse cuddles up next to your side, and the kitten on your stomach. “I really like you Oreo.” you whisper to the animal, making your girlfriend laugh. “Oreo? That’s the most original thing you could think of right?”

“Okay if you're so great at naming things, what should we name him?”

She goes quiet for a few seconds before mumbling in defeat, “I like Oreo.”

You guys enjoy the silence that surrounds just you guys as you pet Oreo, but then a small laugh comes from you when Clarisse gently grabs the cat and pulls him off your chest so she can lay her head there. “He’s been here for half an hour and you're already jealous?” “He was getting way too touchy. Mine.” She teases and then fakes an annoyed groan when he crawls onto her back and lays down, stretching himself out just to prove a point.

“Will you be my Valentine, my love?” She asks as she places her chin on your chest to look up at you. There's a certain softness in her eyes that you and only you get to see. In fact, it’s very, very rare you ever see the side everyone else talks about when they talk about Clarisse towards you. “You guys just don’t know her like I do.” You tell them. Not like they believe you, half of the camp still believing you somehow put a spell on her.

“Only if you’ll be mine.” You whisper back as if it’s a secret.

“Oh…this is awkward. I already agreed to be like ten other girls date.” Her voice is teasing as she tries and fails not to giggle.

“Is that so?” 

“Mhm.” 

“Hm.” You fake being offended as you cross your arms over your chest and look away. She laughs, and the sound practically forces a smile on your face.

“I’m kidding. Only you, angel. I’m yours. Always.” 

“And I’m yours, Clarisse La Rue.” 

“Always?” 

“And forever.��

There’s a knock on your cabin door, and you figure it’s another camper until a voice calls from the other side of the door, “Clarisse? I know you're in there. Your siblings told me where you went. Cat’s out of the bag La Rue.” Chiron says. Very terrible choice of words. She groans into your stomach, rolling off of you and successfully getting Oreo to jump off her back and onto the bed.

“Those little snitches.” She snarls as she gets up to open the door, making you instantly miss her warmth.

You place the cat under your sweater, giggling and then shoving his face back under when he crawls to put his head through the neck hole. Once she knows he’s covered, Clarisse opens the door. Chirons eyes fall to you, and it’s only then do you think about the fact that there is a giant Oreo shaped lump in your sweater.

All your siblings fall silent as they watch to see what’s gonna happen.

“Mac and cheese day am I right?” You try to joke with a nervous chuckle, but he doesn’t laugh. He just runs a hand over his face and then stares at you. “You know what? I don’t care. You find a way to feed him that isn’t taking resources from us, you make sure he doesn’t do any damage to the furniture, and you keep track of him at all times, you can keep him.”

You grin at him, letting the small animal out of your sweater who in turn lowly hisses at the sight of Chiron.

He groans, walking off as he mumbles something about needing a very long vacation. There's only so much of your girlfriend bending the rules to get you presents he can handle before he was bound to just accept it.

The cinatar leaves, your girlfriend flipping him off when he can’t see. He yells over his shoulder, “I know what you’re doing Clarisse! Stop it or no dessert!” 

She stops flipping him off. Next to you, chocolate cake is what she lives for.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

That night, as you sit with Clarisse at the bonfire, she listens to you complain about how much you miss Oreo. Usually, you’d be too busy roasting marshmallows and cuddling with her to think about anything else, but your girlfriend doesn’t do anything other than smile, happy she made you so happy.

“So how’d you get him anyway? You don’t have that kind of money and there’s no way Chiron gave it to you.” You say, and she freezes in her spot on a log, slightly tightening her arms that are wrapped around your waist as she avoids your eyes.

“I stole him.” Her voice is slightly quieter than usual, and she says this in the most casual tone she can muster.

“CLARISSE LA RUE!”

[weirdly-specific-but-ok]

i might have found the most dedicated (brainrotted) good omens fan.

Hey y'all my beloved maggots, so in the spirit of having too much time and still recovering from my illness, your beloved Mascot was lurking on the lovely world wide web. I ended up, as one does, looking up what the fictitious '1810 clerkenwell diamond robbery' might have alluded to.

Of course I ended up with a bunch of tumblr and/or good omens results and then one bloody other search result. Which is what I'm sitting in utter bewilderment thinking about.

I'll link it at the end of the post, but to brief you on it, it was an article with an impressively detailed description of the supposed 1810 robbery, with the mastermind being (rather than Jane Austen, which is what I'd have expected the fake story to have) Richard Turpin. I didn't know who the fuck this was, so I looked him up, and found he was a highwayman who was executed in 1739 (there was a wee bit of bodysnatchin' involved, too). One of the diamonds in this article/story was also called the Star of South Africa, which when I looked it up, apparently is a diamond that was not discovered till the second half of the 19th century.

Which is all good lovely article impressive gonchposting but then I glance through the rest of the website and it seems to have actual articles about crime? I know nothing about stuff that happened after the Roman empire, so you are free to tell me about the legitimacy of the articles, but the fact remains that there are many articles, dating from July 2023 to February 2024.

I hear Good Omens season 2 came out on 28th July 2023, so this person set up an entire site in a few days, wrote an article with an anachronistic highwayman and diamond, and then proceeded to actually fill the rest of the site with articles? Am I in the correct timeline here? Has the internet lost its hivemind?

Please can someone explain this to me? Is this the final stage of the brainrot? Is this what I'm doomed to experience? Because if so I'm suing the entire Good Omens fandom, yes, you all, for infecting me with it.

Or have I lost it and I hallucinated this entire internet experience?

[leonstamatis]

hello leon stamatis (my favorite stamatis)! i do not know anything about the state of blaseball right now, i think it was a randomly generated baseball-like a while back? my understanding was that most of the content was fan generated to begin with, being what it was and all that. is it too late to get into it? if not, i would love to hear some starter recs

what a coincidence, he is also my favorite stamatis! and blaseball is one of my favorite things. this, however, is a complicated question, so i'm gonna go ahead and apologize for what will surely be a much longer answer than you anticipated by asking this. sorry!

we're gonna start from the beginning. what is blaseball?

well, you're right. it's a randomly-generated baseball simulator. that's the general idea of it. there were 20-24 teams (sometimes more, depending on what else was happening), and they played games against each other. while it initially started as a basic baseball game -- with some absurd names and very simple mechanics -- it later evolved to include more complex mechanics, including player death, modifications to the stadiums, and other statuses that could impact and change gameplay at random (or under specific and nonsensical conditions).

blaseball started in late 2020 and had a sort of on/off cycle. during an on cycle, there would be games every hour on the hour for 99 hours over a week. then there would be a post-season to determine a champion, and the season would end. these on cycles were often divided into eras, and had larger plots and storylines forming connective tissue through the elections and special events.

during an off cycle, also known as a siesta, the devs would take some time to patch bugs, develop new features, and plan for the future. some of these siestas were a week or two; some were several months or over a year.

the unfortunate news here is that blaseball just recently... ended. the games won't be happening anymore, the site isn't active, and there's no new content coming down the pipe. the devs said it wasn't sustainable to keep doing it -- a thing that makes a lot of sense, because one thing blaseball certainly could be was overwhelming and time-consuming. and that's coming from me, as a fan who didn't have to actually do any of the coding or community maintenance.

however. onto the second part of your question. can you still get into blaseball even now that it's over?

[takes a deep breath.] YES. please do, in fact!

it's fair to say most of the content was fan-generated, i think, depending on what you define as "content." the games and the website were fairly minimalist; they gave us major events, but the characters were just names and a few lines of stats, so it's not like you're missing out on key character moments or quotes or anything with blaseball being done. all the identifying characteristics, the personality and appearance and emotional response? that's fans, baby!

this is one of the things that's cool about blaseball. i've heard it said that writing for the fandom is more in line with original fiction because so much of it is created by and dependent on the individual, as opposed to a centralized canon. which means a lot of the time, there's more effort in a fic to introduce you to someone -- something fanfic doesn't typically do! and because so much was happening in blaseball all the time, people do make an effort to explain events and canon occurrences either in author notes or in the story itself.

(unless, that is, it's a major event everyone was largely aware of. these were few and far between, but they were such a big deal that they make up a lot of the fic content. if you have questions about any of those events, i would recommend the blaseball wiki, where election results, modifications to specific players, and other significant canon events are recorded. there's lore there, too, but i can pretty much guarantee that whatever lore is there won't match up directly with any of the fic you read; blb authors tend to take the wiki and widely-accepted fanon lore more as a suggestion than as a rule.)

the long and the short of it is, you can absolutely still get involved. there are just under 3,000 fics, last time i checked, so it's not big enough that you'll be drowning. my honest recommendation is to pick a team based on who you vibe with -- the blaseball wiki has team overview pages, too -- and then see who is writing for that team. there are collections for a lot of them, and they'll focus on a specific set of characters most of the time depending on who had the most significance on the roster.

(my actual recommendation is to start with the earlier fics. the discipline era -- the first eleven seasons -- was a very tightly told story without a lot of bells and whistles. players had a normal season in season one, and then in season two everyone started dying, and then in season seven the fans messed with the mechanics and did a necromancy and the necromanced player started murdering people until we all banded together to defeat the god that was giving them the ability to do that. that's pretty easy to follow, especially compared to later eras when the entire point was adding as many new mechanics as possible or testing out new features. it got confusing, even for people keeping a close eye on all of it.)

if you find something that confuses you, that's okay! it might take some effort/research to understand these storylines, but the wiki is pretty good at explaining mechanics and events. just look up whatever is getting you and it should make some more sense. or you can use Before, an archival tool that lets you watch old games and fandom events in real time. (and if it still doesn't make sense... well. that's blaseball, baby! you kind of get used to rolling with nonsense, honestly.)

okay. that's all very long-winded, because of course it is. sorry, again. but... recommendations!

i think, often, that blaseball fic would be aided by the inclusion of a sort of "Weeb Ass Shit" scale. some of it is going to be very embedded in the nonsense of blaseball and hard to get through, especially if you're new to the team, specific player, or even blaseball in general.

hen fourteenfifteen and i had some friends who had never engaged with blaseball read a few fics of ours a couple months back as an experiment, and it shocked me to learn that the concept of an incineration -- a player being set on fire and killed by a "rogue" umpire, one of the earliest and most basic mechanics in the game -- was unfamiliar and a stopping point for the readers, because they'd never heard about that happening. and certainly not in such a nonchalant way. these kinds of terms are everywhere in blaseball fic, but if you can find the ones that focus more on a character than a game or a modification, then you've got a starting point and you can build out from there.

that being said, there's always going to be blaseball, so there are definitely still going to be moments where you end up scratching your head. it is simply impossible not to. if you're cool with that, here's a brief collection of some blaseball fics i would say have a lower blaseball-ass shit rating:

when winter turns to spring by waveridden, a love story between two co-captains from around season seven to season eight. (also, it's one of my favorite ships and it's my team. go flowers.) honestly, hayden does an excellent job of explaining everything in very simple and understandable ways. so if you want to just poke around on their page, you'll have an excellent time. there's a whole run of things from mid-2021 that is literally just character studies written for other people, and they're all great.

the things we take off for each other by bloodsweatspit is less about blaseball itself and more about one of the teams, the canada moist talkers. it looks at a handful of the key dynamics and is, in my opinion, one of the best fics for providing insight into a team and the people on it -- especially in so few words.

speaking of the moist talkers. it's hard to recommend just one of cyndakip's fics, but they all tend to exist in a similar timeline and universe and there's a lot of continuity that makes it easy to follow once you've gotten started. if you're looking for some very well-done, very lengthy character work, cynda does great things.

there's this fun trend that hit during the first lengthy break in blaseball colloquially known as the 12x100, or twelve scenes of 100 words. the idea is to give a series of short scenes that highlight a character or storyline without committing to a whole lengthy thing. i'd recommend checking out the 12x100 tag and clicking through a few to see what characters you like. (more specifically, babytriumphant's chicago, in brief series is a bunch of them specifically focused on the chicago firefighters team, and they're all lovely!)

another flowers fic. i'm not sorry. oxicleanmoron's it's my own damn fault is more recent, and set in the late expansion era. but it's not about blaseball. it's about a road trip. so you're in good hands if you want some fun character dynamics and minimal blaseball.

lift your head (and look out the window) by baliset is a nice little window into the baltimore crabs. marn also is one who does a really good job of explaining things from the beginning, so there are a few fics of hers i would recommend. but start with this one, and then maybe check out your sinking ship (is big enough for two) if you want to meet some more of her beloved little guys.

another sort of love story without the focus on game mechanics: you're at the party (you're not invited) by impernia. this one i include in part because i think it leans into some of the stranger aspects of blaseball lore without getting into the game itself; a lot of characters are strange or unusual in some way, and this fic conveys that beautifully.

take the bullet by waltztangocache is a great example of something you'll find a lot in this fandom, which is... character death stories! if there's one thing blaseball gave us a lot of fodder for, it's people dying and people grieving. if that's your thing, wonderful! you've found your people! hen does a great job showing the ripple effects that i would say are common in fanon lore -- esp on the firefighters -- regarding incinerations. i love this fic. it pains me.

i have written a lot of blaseball fic in my time, but i tend to think i fall pretty high on the blaseball-ass shit scale. there are others like me. however, if you do not mind me shilling for just a moment, i would recommend to you inside your blinding light. it's not about blaseball, as much. it's about a carpenter and a tree, and they fall in love. welcome to blaseball lore! it's fun here.

i... hope you were not overwhelmed by all of this. thank you for asking about this, and for being willing to dig deeper into this fandom and what it has to offer! i'm barely scratching the surface here, but all of the authors i've listed have plenty of fics worth reading, and there are tons of authors i love who i didn't have a specific pull from for this list but who i would nevertheless recommend once you're a little more familiar with how this fandom writes.

blaseball is over, but the fic's still around. and it's pretty fucking good fic, i'd say. <3

[rottedbrainz]

Reblogs won’t show up in search results :|

You right thxs! 👍👍👍

STOP KOSA!!!

This is important for anyone outside of the United States too. If there is a an app that is U.S. based, our government has the power to take said sites down completely. Sites like Tumblr, Facebook, Instagram, Ao3 and many others will be taken down. I know there isn't much you can do, but you can spread awareness about it because in the end it might also end up effecting you. So if you can I am sharing this link with you again! This will send an email to your state representatives letting them know that KOSA is wrong.

Don't let people on the internet have you belive that it will not be passed because it didn't pass last year. The only reason why it didn't pass was because we spoke up about it! You need to call your representatives. If you're a teen like me do not be afraid to call! They need to know that the younger generation does have a voice and we will not be pushed around when it comes to our rights.

In the second link it will provide you with a letter that you can read explaining why KOSA is an awful law. Yes it is important to protect young children on the internet but censorship is not the way. Please help while you still can!

[malware-program]

Edit: If you guys have any questions feel free to dm them to me or drop them in my ask box !

Hello ! I am sad about ao3 being down, but I would like to offer my insight about what type of DDOS could be affecting it ! Yes this is an excuse to talk about my special interest

For context: I major in Informational Technology, and we have to learn about this, and technology has always been my special interest. I know way too much about this

In this post I will explain what a DDOS is, different types of DDOS attacks, and my theory on which one.

A DDOS (or denial of service attack) is when the servers get so overloaded that they crash and burn.

There are multiple types of DDOS attacks: Zip Bomb, Time Bomb, Fork Bomb, and a Zombie attack. Each one does something different but reach the same result.

Zip Bomb: Will send a compressed file of data to a server, and when they uncompress it, they get fit with  4.5 petabytes (4 503 599 626 321 920 bytes) of data. No computer can even process that !

Time Bomb: Basically what a free trial is, but will implode other things too. Time Bombs will basically count down to when they release the attack to servers with either Zip Bombs, Trojan Horses, or a Worm

Fork Bomb: A malicious file that will get in your servers and start duplicating itself, taking up server resources and slowing them down. Very bad if not caught early on. (I would also like you to know this is also called a Wabbit virus)

Zombie: A hacked computer that has been compromised and can be used by the hacker remotely to do what they want. These are dangerous because they affect multiple systems and then use those systems to overload a server, and they're hard to detect. (If you're scared you have this, run your downloaded files though VirusTotal , it runs files and websites through a lot of antivirus software and can detect anything malicious)

My working theory is that ao3 is under either a Fork Bomb attack or a Zombie Attack (that is the official term for it). Both these DDOS attacks are hard to get rid of, and hard to pinpoint where they started from.

It doesn't mean ao3 is gone forever, but it means it might be down for a little bit. They're working their absolute hardest, and I believe in them <3

[timeboundterra-reblogs]

No no please write the essay I love to see people’s takes on Satanael

So it only took 14 months for me to get to this, but here we go.

Please take this with a grain of salt, I’m getting a lot of info from a Gnosticism explanation website which might not be all correct. And it’s also being written at midnight.

In the tags I left on your post, I mentioned that the biggest reason for Satanael being Joker’s ultimate persona is because Satanael is the child of Yaldaboath.

According to Gnosticism, Yaldaboath is the demiurge created by the heavenly being Sophia (which might be where Sophia, the AI from Strikers, got her name, but that’s another thought for another essay), who is basically the Gnostic equivalent of an angel (they’re refered to as aeons, divine entities descended from God the Father, and most were born from male-female pairs, along with the blessing of god). Yaldaboath was cast from the heavens into a realm below so early into his existence that he was convinced that he was the first “living” existence. It is explained that Sophia gave birth to a son that was the product of the rebellious and profane desire that had arisen within her, and due to being birthed only from Sophia and without the blessing of God, he was “a misshapen, belligerent creature that was utterly unlike the other heavenly beings.”

Because of this ignorance, foolishness, and malevolence, he created the material world, also trapping sparks of divinity in Adam and Eve. That last bit isn’t too important right now, but it’s clear that Yaldaboath didn’t make the world out of the good in him. There’s a lot of other stuff that happened that also proved that he’s not a good entity, such as creating the old ten commandments and then completely ignoring them, gaslighting those that he created into thinking that he was the one true god, and telling Adam and Eve that the fruit of the tree of knowledge would kill them if it was consumed, among other heinous acts.

As much as I’d like to back up my original claim, I can’t find anything that states similarly or differently, and whenever I do try to google it, lots of persona 5 and megaten (as well as other mythos based games and stories) come up and clutter the results, so there isn’t much. But if I’m understanding this correctly, Satanael was created by Yaldaboath to serve him, along with Yaldaboath’s other “higher” creations.

After some time, Satanael rebels against Yaldaboath, for some reason or another (again, can’t find reason, but one source did mention that Satanael rebelled with a heavenly light rivaling Yaldaboath’s). This leads me to believe that Satanael either found out about the true nature of Yaldaboath being an unjust demiurge, and that he was the bastard son of Sophia, one of the Aeons of Pleroma (greek for Fullness, literally the Gnostic name for Heaven) who atoned for her sin of rebellion and profane desire to conceive without the involvement of her own partner or the consent of God, OR he pitied humanity, OR he simply did not like Yaldaboath’s game of ruin.

In short, Satanael rebelled for the greater good of humanity, where Sophia’s rebellion caused grief and anguish, and Yaldaboath’s own rebellion from the true God put his creation of material on the path to ruin. In a way, Sophia’s rebellion created Yaldaboath, Yaldaboath’s rebellion created Satanael, who then rebelled against Yaldaboath (making Satanael basically a fallen angel), allowing for humanity to continue on in its own path of rebellion.

How does this relate to Joker? Well, we see that Joker’s story in P5 starts with him rebelling against who we think is the big bad – Shido. In most places, you wouldn’t directly rebel against an adult as a child/minor, as you’re unlikely to win. Joker’s rebellion in this part of the story is what kicks off his “fall” as a phantom thief. Shido is the one who created the phantom thieves, if you think about it, that rebel against him towards the end of the story (yes I know they fight Yaldy I’m getting there). While for a time, Yaldaboath is the player’s guide, eventually, Joker does rebel against him, in a direct parallel to Satanael. Yaldaboath created Satanael/chose Joker as the wildcard, and then Satanael/Joker saw the truth of Yaldaboath, and rebelled against him.

Personally, I would think that Satanael would be empathetic towards Joker, in that both were “created”” by Yaldaboath, and then both saw the truth of Yaldaboath, making both rebel against their creator. Kindness isn’t always a driving factor – Joker didn’t save the world for his love of the world, he saved the world because he didn’t want to live in a world where he would be punished for doing the right thing. It’s why he stood up to Shido both times, why he stood up against all of the phantom thief targets. All of them had an influential power that they used for their own gain/devices, just like Yaldaboath. And like Satanael, Joker couldn’t sit by idly. Sure, the way Joker went about his justice wasn’t correct, but correct isn’t always right, nor just.

Joker and Satanael both rebelled for what was right, even if it caused their downfalls, they were both held aloft in the end. In one text, it’s said that Satanael was brought up to Heaven, and Joker parallels this in the fact that he’s found innocent of his initial false crimes of assaulting Shido.

[angelthefandomobsessed]

Project Eden's Garden: Character Names Explained

After my first post on the animal symbolism in P:EG, I've been wanting to make a follow-up analysis based on character names. Anyone who's ever written anything even remotely creative has Google'd 'name that means *insert something vaguely representing character here'. That's a rule of the universe, you cannot change my mind, we've all done it, and we will continue to do it.

Of course, this isn't always the case. Sometimes we name characters based on people we know, or just because we've always liked the names. I'm still fairly confident that some good ol' fashioned 'Behind the Name' and 'Nameberry' scouring might have occurred.

So, let's see what the names of our cast actually mean!

Damon Maitsu:

'Damon' is a name of Greek origin meaning 'one who tames', or 'one who subdues', originating from the word 'dama' (of the same meaning). The legend of 'Damon and Pythias' holds a moral of true friendship, where (TL;DR) Pythias and Damon's friendship astonishes the tyrant of Syracuse, saving them both.

What's more interesting about this name, is that it's one letter away from the word 'demon'. In the Bible (yes, we're going back to there, and this won't be the first time), the word 'daimon' is used once, meaning 'demon'.

'Maitsu' is a little bit tricky to pin down. It doesn't seem to be a common name at all. It's listed on 'NamesLook' under the meaning 'Emotional, Systematic Mind, Serious' which seems promising at first, but it's a numerology website - the meaning is based on numerology rather than the name itself. So, I threw it into Google translate at it came back as 'Mights' (a lot of Western words sound similar to their Japanese counterparts because it's literally the word written in Japanese characters (Katakana, in most cases)).

'Howtopronounce' described it as a feminine forename, which... I feel kinda doubt, given it's the only place mentioning it.

Breaking the name up yielded far more topical results, however.

'Ma' - devil - 魔

'Itsu' - five, when, comfortable, one(?)

'Itsu' will require a little more digging (this has devolved into a conspiracy board, huh?). We can pretty confidently rule out 'when'. While that's arguably the most common use of 'itsu', it doesn't make too much sense as far as naming conventions go. I read somewhere that 'itsu' can mean 'to freeze', but I haven't seen anything else to back it up (I think the person might have been mistaken).

'Comfortable' seems a little odd, though not implausible. What's much more interesting is the possibility of 'itsu' referring to a number. The name 'Itsuki' can mean a lot of things. Two of these apparent meanings caught my eye: 'five trees' (as a surname), and 'that one moon'.

Numbers. The word moon is 'tsuki', but tree is 'ki'. Itsu-ki - five trees. Ma-itsu - five devils or the (singular) devil. 'Five' seems more likely (because this is all very complicated to my brain, and for the life of me I can't find a reliable source saying 'itsu' can sometimes mean 'one', if anybody knows what's up please clue me in! I'm pretty sure that 'tsu' can mean 'one', so maybe that's what they meant?)

As far as I can tell, the kanji for character names haven't been released (if it has then I am truly Boo-Boo the fool), but this would make Damon's name look a little like this (I'm not fluent in Japanese, so don't take my word on this, I'm mostly winging it here)...

Damon - デイモン (katakana)

Maitsu - まいつ (hiragana) - 魔五 (kanji)

SO, in conclusion, Damon has some pretty strong demonic roots behind his name. This ties into his overall snake motif, and could potentially (don't mind the tin foil hat here) be hinting towards Damon being involved in the killing game..? 'Mara' (Ma-ra) is the enforcer, so following my bizarre name logic here, she would also be a 'devil'. Maybe Damon is actually associated with Tozu and co. but doesn't remember it (a snake in the grass, if you will).

Eva Tsunaka:

'Eva' is of Hebrew origin and means 'life'. It is also (to nobody's surprise) deeply Biblically relevant. It's a variation of 'Eve', as in, the first woman.

'Tsunaka' was easier to track down than 'Maitsu', but it still seems uncommon. According to a website called 'Japanese Names', it's made up of the kanji for 'harbour' (or 'ferry') and 'inside' which... isn't super enlightening? I could jump through hoops to make a Noah's Ark parallel, but that seems like a reach.

Putting the two meanings together we get something along the lines of 'inside the harbour'. The word 'harbour' (as a noun) describes a place where boats moor. As a verb, the word could be used to describe someone protecting something; to harbour a runaway, or to harbour a victim. In that sense, Tsunaka seems like an almost angelic name, promising protection to others.

Wolfgang Akire:

'Wolfgang' is a German name derived from the words 'Wulf' (meaning - wait for it - 'Wolf') and 'Gang' (meaning 'path'). Therefore, 'Wolfgang' is often interpreted as 'travelling wolf'. It's probably best known as being Mozart's first name, but I personally think it was chosen for the irony factor - having a guy named 'Wolfgang' be represented by a sheep is a perfect irony.

This name could also be interpreted as 'one who has the ways of the wolf' (someone who follows the path of a wolf).

'Akire' consists of the kanji for 'reveal' (諒) and 'clever' (怜)... Or, 'truth' and 'wise'. This makes a lot of sense, given the whole 'lawyer with the moral high ground thing he has going on. It almost seems like a play on the typical Danganronpa protagonist, a little tongue-in-cheek about revealing the truth.

Grace Madison:

'Grace', to nobody's surprise, shock or horror, means 'grace'.

'Madison' could be taken to mean 'strength', or it could mean 'Matthew's Son' which launches us right back to the Bible. Apparently, the name Madison used to be a pretty unpopular 'boy name' but skyrocketed in popularity for girls after the 80s film 'Splash' was released.

Grace's surname might just be a reference to Madison Moman, a teenage golfing prodigy (fun fact, she has a blog titled 'Live Laugh Golf'... icon behaviour).

Toshiko Kayura:

According to the highly academic Wikipedia, the name Toshiko can be read as -

I'm noticing the word 'child' (子 is the 'ko', as seen in the word 'kodomo'), which adds up with Toshiko being so young. 'Genius child' is very Danganronpa, since that's kinda half the premise, and 'graceful' plays into the flamingo motif. There was a Princess Toshiko, but I can't see anything of immediate interest that links the two. If I had to guess, Toshiko's name encapsulates her childhood genius, implying that it defines her. Her character development might involve her overcoming this idea and redefining her identity.

Kayura is made up of the kanji 香由良, which have a variety of meanings. 香 can be read as fragrance. 由 means reason. I also noticed some cases where this kanji is used to describe a noble lineage of some sort, which could link with Toshiko's princess namesake, but that might not actually work here, just food for thought. 良 means excellent, good or skilled - makes sense with the whole 'child genius' thing.

Since she's a matchmaker, I could see her talent being hereditary and built from tradition. The way she dresses and acts is very proper, suggesting she's carrying the weight of someone's expectations - since she's only fourteen, it seems unlikely that these values were self-encouraged.

Ulysses Wilhelm:

The name Ulysses has an interesting history of usage. At first, I assumed our Ultimate Historian got his name from Ulysses S. Grant, a civil war general... He was also the 18th president of the USA, which I did not know, what a plot twist, I just thought he was the war guy. This could very well be the reference, but 'Ulysses' is apparently the Latin version of 'Odysseus'. Because of its link to The Odyssey 'Ulysses' can mean journey.

Oh, also, it can mean 'wrathful', we'll get into that.

(Huge tangent incoming, you might want to take a water break before this)

So like. I know I said in my first post that owl boy was probably going to die early, and I still kinda stand by that, but... His name means wrath. Biblically that's pretty big, right?

If the Killing Game is the Garden of Eden then what is the mastermind? Satan, right? Or maybe that's wrong. Maybe the mastermind is God. Metaphorical God, but still. Ulysses has a keen memory, not to mention he writes down everything that happens because he struggles to remember non-historical things.

Maybe that's not entirely true, though. Maybe he's trying to hide how knowledgeable (dare I say... omnipotent) he is. Maybe his skills are mostly analytical and his aptitude towards history is just a byproduct of that. Y'know... like how the Ultimate Analyst made an effective Ultimate Fashionista because she could analyse trends.

Okay, so maybe it's not that plot beat again exactly, but it's still pretty interesting.

Ulysses mentioned the classic 'those who do not learn from history' thing, but wasn't that what they were doing in the prologue? They looked at an old case and learned from it. Maybe there's a bigger element in there that they missed.

If Ulysses is wrath, then he could be 'divine wrath', which is basically when God gets angry but because he's pure and loving, it's a necessity and devoid of guilt or relevance or... something? It's wrath but from a high horse. Let's go with that.

What I'm trying to say is that Ulysses is the mastermind and that the killing game is a social experiment designed to end all conflict, idk, something like that.

(Tangent over)

'Wilhelm' is a German name that apparently means 'Will Helmet'. I have no idea what that's supposed to mean, will helmet do what? Is the helmet filled with willpower? In all seriousness, I think it's supposed to be a protection thing (because Ulysses is symbolically God- okay, I'll stop).

It's also a historical name which would match 'Ulysses'.

Desmond Hall:

'Desmond' means gracious protector, which suits him well based on his general 'we'll escape you guys, honest, nothing bad could ever happen' demeanour. However, that's just one website's interpretation, the most common meaning would be 'from south Munster', but that's far less fun.

'Hall' as a surname, interestingly, could mean 'kind' or 'forgiving' which comes "from the belief that Viking thanes were eternally benevolent to those who lived within his hall" (quote is from a website called Select Surnames).

Alternatively, it could stem from someone living in a hall.

Diana Venicia:

Diana, Roman goddess of the moon, hunting, maidens, etc. Princess Diana, of Wales, the people's princess, etc. Lots of famous Dianas to choose from here, but as a general meaning, Diana could mean 'sky', or 'daylight'. Most likely, this name was chosen because the goddess Diana was said to be beautiful.

Or... because of its connotations with the moon. The tarot card 'The Moon' is a card of divine feminity and of secrets.

I swear to Ulysses God this girl is hiding something.

Venicia means 'desire', 'love' and 'happiness'.

Jean DeLamer:

Upon first Google (which is all this is, this is for fun, do not take this 10000% seriously, I've probably messed up several times throughout this whole spiel), Jean means 'God is gracious'. He could be named after Jean Lafitte, a French privateer who had a killer stache. If I had to put money on it, I'd go with the latter.

'DeLamer' translates to 'of the sea' which... is easy enough, thanks for that, moving on.

Jett Dawson:

Jett is a type of black stone. To quote 'The Bump's description of this name "Jett is the guy in a leather jacket who’s cool, composed and confident. The name’s intriguing meaning, “black stone,” also gives it an edgy and glamorous allure". Jett is also evocative of something fast, so I think this is a case of 'cool name, cool guy'.

Jett was also the name of Judah's firstborn son in the Bible, but I don't know what to do with that info, so...

Dawson could either mean 'Beloved' or 'Son of David'. I find 'Beloved' far more entertaining, it makes me think of that locket GIF that was everywhere a while back.

Kai Monteago:

Kai is most notorious for meaning 'sea'. I don't know why, but that's been ingrained in my brain for years. I have a sneaking suspicion it's the Disney Channel's fault... did they have a surfer boy named Kai at some point state "My name means sea"?

'Monteago' (not 'Montego', there were a lot of search results for that) can mean 'friendly' or 'charismatic'. 'Charismatic' makes more sense here.

Kai seems an unusual name to have for the character, so if it was chosen in direct reference to something, it could be a setup for an ironic punchline. If Kai is executed, for example, he might 'drown in a sea of his own fans'. Or someone could drown him. Alternatively, water symbolises emotion.

'Mark 'Mayhem' Berskii':

Oh, hi Mark.

This one's a little unorthodox. 'Berskii' isn't a surname that's super searchable. In fact, googling 'Berskii name meaning' shows this character on the front page... after a few 'Berski' explanations. I tried putting it through an anagram decoder, and it sure does have the word 'bikers' in it, but that seems random. Berski apparently means 'Influencer, Freedom Lover, Charisma', which doesn't scream Mark... maybe freedom-loving?

Google translate says it's Malay for Skiing.

Urban dictionary says it means, "God. Berski is all mighty. Typically used as a nickname for the bro-est of the bros. If someone calls you Berski, you should be truly honored."

9/10 doctors can't tell where this name came from.

I am the one doctor who can tell you that 'Mark Berskii' is an anagram for, brace yourself... 'smirkier'.

Another case closed.

So anyway, the Biblical meaning of 'Mark' is 'polite', but it also correlates to 'Mars' from Latin, meaning god of war so...

I dunno, it's all a mess, Mark lives up to the pseudonym 'Mayhem'. He's a cool guy, if anyone has any ideas on his name, let me know!

Wenona:

Wenona is a Native American name meaning 'first born daughter'. I don't have much else to say beyond that. I think it's a very pretty name and I'm interested to see where Wenona goes as a character.

Eloise Taulner:

'Eloise' means 'famous warrior', which is a very literal take on her character, but I respect it. As the Ultimate Fencer she is, straight up, a famous warrior. Some other websites claim it means 'healthy' and 'wide', but I prefer 'famous warrior'.

'Taulner' is another case of 'this isn't quite a name, what do we do'. 'Taul' is Estonian for 'table', according to Google Translate... 'Tau' means 'Yes' in Hmong.

Honestly, I just think she has a neat name all around.

Ingrid Grimwall:

'Ingrid' is a Scandinavian name that means 'fair' and 'beautiful'. This name is derived from 'Ing's Daughter', with 'Ing' being the old name for 'Freyr', the god of summer and a bunch of other things. Something interesting to note: Freyja was depicted as having a chariot pulled by big cats. It's a bit of a stretch, but maybe Ingrid's lions are a super roundabout reference to that.

Maybe every character is a metaphorical god here, who knows, symbolism is wild.

'Grimwall' is a very cool surname, and could be compared to 'Grimwald', meaning 'fierce might'. I don't have much to say here, I feel like Ingrid's name is more vibe based than context-based.

Cassidy Amber:

'Cassidy' means 'clever' and 'curly-haired'. At least, that's what the first search result said. A few search results down, however, gave me this: "Cassidy name meaning is she who entangles men".

Hm. Interesting. Very interesting, since her assigned animal is a spider.

I don't know where this site got that from, but I'm going to roll with it because it's very, very fitting.

'Amber' is also quite interesting. When I think of amber, I think a bug encased in fossilised tree resin. A bug trapped in something... The spider imagery continues. Honestly, this name is super interesting (especially since Cassidy was on my sussy mastermind list... I should probably make a post specifically to theorise on the mastermind, I work it into these way too often).

Conclusion:

So, I started writing this a month or two back, got through Damon, Eve and Wolfgang's analysis, and then shelved it because my brain hurt. I woke up this morning and realised that I should probably finish this post. It was a lot of fun, I felt like I was making some crazy revelations when things made sense... and when they didn't, I just kept telling myself "meh, it's a cool name, it doesn't always have to make sense".

Anyways, if you enjoyed this feel free to comment your thoughts or reblog adding to it. Have a good morning/afternoon/night!

[mysisypheannightmare]

Pause

Word Count: 1812

Warnings: Patton acting very unsympathetic (gaslighting mostly), some negative thinking

--

Logan had accomplished something great today.

He showed Thomas a new video-editing software that he determined should significantly improve his content output speeds and would also run adequately on his current computer equipment. Thomas learning about the new features gave Logan a much-desired confidence boost and he wanted to smile as Thomas quietly let out "ooh"s and "aww"s at the short preview video from the software's website.

He sat across from him at the table as Thomas closed his laptop, and he explained very simply that if Thomas held back on takeout for the week and refrained from buying anything from Redbubble (as tempting as it may be) until next month, he should have more than enough saved up to purchase and download the new software. He would have to learn the new system in order to use it properly, but Logan had assured him that he would read the instructions thoroughly and stick with Thomas throughout the process so he could have it learned in no time.

Thomas had enthusiastically agreed.

Logan marked a calendar, noting to skip fast food for the week and online purchases for the month, and then circled Thomas' pay date. That was when he could buy the software, right alongside with paying his bills.

Oh! And he reminded him, don't forget, he needed to do his taxes sooner rather than later, because the refund could come in handy!

Satisfied, Logan began to sink out, only to hear someone else pop in as he did so.

He thought nothing of it as he entered his room.

He recalibrated his calendar, having successfully convinced Thomas of a way to increase productivity.

He was glad all the research and reviewing for a new video software had actually paid off, considering he'd been desperate to find some kind of new task that would benefit Thomas. And with the new predicted increase in productivity, Thomas would soon have better availability for filming, spending time with his friends, and pursuing his hobbies on the side.

Sure, Virgil won't like the adjustment period for the new changes but Logan intended to promise him he'd make that transition as smooth as possible.

And yes, being frugal for the month will be rough, especially with Roman around, but he'd already prepared room in the budget for some slip-ups just in case.

And Patton will hopefully realize that Thomas can create his own comfort foods right at home, within his budget, and it wouldn't affect anything negatively at all.

Logan had covered all his bases, made sure everyone would be accommodated within reason, and Thomas could still benefit the most out of this decision.

Logan felt accomplished. Well, perhaps he could have set up a better worksheet that allocated and compared the reviews he'd read about new and available software… but he was still satisfied with the results he received!

A knock on the door interrupted his thoughts, and he turned and walked over to it automatically.

The moment he opened the door, he was greeted by Patton's strained smile.

"Hey, Lo," he said, teeth gritted in a way that made Logan instantly uncomfortable. "Can I come in?"

In lieu of a response, Logan merely stepped aside, allowing Patton to stride on into the room and then turn around to face the other side as he shut the door gently.

He wasn't the most adept at reading others' emotions, but he could sense Patton wasn't happy at the very least. Something must have upset him.

"Is something the matter?" Logan asked, confused by Patton's behavior.

"What? No!" Patton's expression changed nearly four times, far too rapidly for Logan to interpret what any of them could be. "No, no, see, I was just...worried, about you! From the way it sounds lately, you seem to be working really hard, Logan!"

Logan wasn't sure if that was meant to be a compliment or not. The words sounded correct for one, but Patton's tone seemed bizarre. Logan frowned.

Emotions were quite difficult to understand.

Perhaps Patton was worried about his uptick in productivity?

"I assure you," Logan tried, "I have made no strain on myself. I only take on what I can handle, as we all should."

Patton's eyes had narrowed at him for a moment as they both stood in silence.

Perhaps he had misread Patton's intentions with his statement, after all.

"I'm no lie-detector, Logan, but I get the feeling that's not entirely true," Patton told him, a frown upon his face that seemed to mock him. He wasn't sure how it could do that, though.

"It is," Logan answered simply.

"Oh, really?" Patton tilted his head to the side. "Because I heard you decided to start up a new assignment of sorts."

Logan blinked. Patton seemed upset, but he wasn't sure why.

Sure, Logan had taken on researching new software and presenting the comparison results to Thomas, but it was of no concern to his allocated schedule and didn't take away from his other responsibilities.

He didn't understand why that would be upsetting. In what way could this be viewed negatively?

"I don't understand," Logan told him numbly. Was he… in trouble for something? Had he done something incorrectly and not realized it?

"Don't you?" Patton raised an eyebrow, challenging him.

So he had done something wrong.

Logan tried to think back, but he couldn't recall anything he had done recently that seemed to upset anyone. Was this really somehow about introducing Thomas to the new editing software? Why would anyone be upset about such a fruitful decision?

"I believe I may be failing to see the overall issue here, Patton," he remarked. If this was about the software, there was certainly no reason to behave like this. He could just tell Logan outright about his concerns.

Patton shook his head, still smiling in that uncomfortable way.

"That's the problem, Logan."

The room seemed colder then.

Logan tried again,

"If you would enlighten me as to what has upset you, we should be able to come to a solution. I'm sure once I understand your predicament, it'll be simple."

Reassurance often worked to cheer Patton up, after all. Perhaps this would help?

Patton laughed, but Logan hadn't made a joke. The sound reverberated a tiny bit through the room, and Patton looked him in the eye.

He wasn't smiling anymore.

"I don't need to do that for you, Logan. You're smart. Just think back and you'll figure it out."

"Then, what's the resolution here?" Logan asked, trying not to sound desperate. "What are you asking of me?"

The answer was not something he ever thought he'd hear.

"I think Thomas needs a little break from his logic for a while."

Logan had never experienced such hollowness as the kind that abruptly formed in his chest at those words.

"Wh--" he swallowed, his mouth absolutely dry. "What do you mean?"

Patton's smile returned then.

"I mean, you've been working so hard, and Thomas has, too!" He grasped his hands together in front of him. "It's about time you both had a break. I'm thinking maybe just a week or two, you know?"

Logan didn't know. He didn't understand. Thomas couldn't survive without logic, so what was Patton even suggesting?

And it wasn't like the work Logan was doing was in any way taxing or deserving of a break, especially considering how few tasks he even had left to do these days. He had been satisfied with just the chance to research something for once, and without anyone else's input.

So what was Patton even saying here? Did he not like Logan's decision?

It wasn't like he could control what Logan did or didn't do!

"I can make my own decisions, Patton," he chose to say. He tried to stay as calm as possible so Patton could tell he was serious.

Patton smiled at him again, sickeningly sweet.

"Yes, but you're not the only one making decisions, right?"

Ah. So Patton was upset because Logan hadn't consulted him and the others.

Logan tried not to sigh in disappointment. He'd been doing all the preparation for this suggestion so it would be easier on everyone and not turn into a pointless debate. It was meant to benefit everyone.

But, of course, Patton has to find some way to make it negative instead.

"I suppose I could have done some more consulting, yes," he conceded, folding his arms across his chest.

"We all make mistakes," Patton nodded, like they had only just gotten on the same page.

"That's why I want to ask you to take a break voluntarily. For your sake and for Thomas'!"

Logan blinked.

So it was Thomas who needed the break? But why hadn't Patton just said that, and why hadn't Thomas said anything?

Before he could even ask, Patton added,

"Look, I know Thomas doesn't trust you enough to tell you this kind of stuff, that's why he had me ask you instead. He needs a little vacation from his logic for a bit, okay?"

Logan grimaced. None of this made sense. Thomas had been so enthusiastic when he agreed to his plan for the new software. Patton had been the only one to say anything negative about it at all.

Had he completely misread everything? Had Thomas been placating him and he hadn't noticed?

Patton was always more in-tune with that sort of thing, so perhaps he was right about this.

"Are... you sure he doesn't want me around right now?" Logan had to ask, he had to know.

Patton's expression didn't change.

"You can still do your usual stuff from your room, right? Just do that for this week, and then we'll see where we're at, okay?"

Logan noted that he hadn't answered his question, but his suggestion implied what must have been the truth. Patton was known for trying to gloss over the negative side of things, after all. Maybe he was just trying to help…

Logan sighed.

He didn't want to agree but he didn't want to argue, either. If Thomas really didn't want his help, he should give him some space and find a more subtle way to offer his assistance.

"Okay."

Patton smiled.

"Perfect! Thank you so much," he told him, heading towards the door. "I'll take care of the rest and don't worry, I already switched the schedule back to normal."

Oh. Logan frowned. So all that effort has been for nothing, then.

Patton gave a little wave and exited, leaving Logan standing uncomfortably in the middle of his room.

He had put so much thought into that decision. Where had he gone so wrong?

And why hadn't Thomas just said what he felt? And why hadn't Patton, either?

He really needed to get better at this whole socializing thing.

He glanced around at the empty room. Well, at least he'd have the time for it.

[izicodes]

hello izzy loa! i started watching supersimpledev's html and css youtube tutorial and wanted to follow along. i've been taking notes and sometimes im scared i'm wasting time on the video when there are many other resources, for example, that freecodecamp video you linked, the 21hours one and i saw another blogger is watching the brocode video.

would it be bad to switch videos even though i've already taken notes to see how other people teach it? idk i feel like if i keep switching i wont actually learn anything.

also - do you still recommend that 21 hour video? how do you feel about beginners learning java first?

Hiya 💗

🔍 "would it be bad to switch videos even though i've already taken notes to see how other people teach it? idk i feel like if i keep switching i wont actually learn anything"

There is no shame/guilt in switching between video resources. I do this all the time and I even would recommend other people to do the same! It's like researching for an essay; teachers encourage you to have lots of references in your essay so you can make a more developed point of view. This is the same! I don't rely on one resource because there could be a bunch more out there that can 1) explain things more plainly 2) go in much more detail and 3) show tips and tricks that I can use in the future.

Like I mentioned in the resources I made (resource 1 | resources 2) I talk about having multiple resources to help you learn. Literally, for me, imagine I wanted to learn PHP right now, I would look online for:

Free PDF PHP book

YouTube Tutorials

Website/Articles on learning PHP like W3School

(If I am really committed) Find a Udemy course on PHP to follow along

And for each, I would have like 1 or 2 places/books/videos to refer back to when stuck! So, yes, of course, it's okay! If you truly get stuck at the abundance of resources and how to study from each one, build a study schedule for the resources, not just the subject e.g.

9-10am - YouTube video resources

10-11am - PDF Book resources

11-12pm - Websites/Articles

Personally, I just do my schedule by subject and use the resources simultaneously. The key thing is don't overwhelm yourself with resources. Pick the ones that help YOU not because "oh it helps this person so I'll use it too even though it confuses me" no.

Also, That feeling of wasting time is okay, it's natural when you want to learn so much in so little time, but that's why I stress about taking your time. If you don't, you'll be like scanning a book - not actually taking things into your brain. That will result in you forgetting and having to start back at square one. Learn at a pace that's right and gives you a good time for your brain to comprehend what you're learning!

🔍 "do you still recommend that 21 hour video?"

Yes, I learnt a lot from that video and really laid down the foundations for me then I used other resources to build on top of that!

🔍 "how do you feel about beginners learning java first?"

That's your personal choice, I don't have a stance on if it's a good first language to learn! Java is used to all sorts so if it aligns with what you want to be building in the future then go right ahead! I recently was looking at University courses for Computer Science and a lot of them teach either Java or C++ as the students' first programming language so yeah!

Hope this helps! 💗

[randomvarious]

Today’s mix:

Tech House Phenomena 3 by Dave Mothersole 1999 Tech-House

Gonna quote legendary electronic music opinion-haver Ishkur at length here in order to kick off this post, because he and I seem to be of the same mind when it comes to the mostly bad phenomenon that is tech-house music:

Somehow by incorporating the strengths of both Techno and House, Tech House succeeded in appealing to neither. So the result is something frustratingly banal and monotonous when it really shouldn't be...

Tech House straddles the razor-thin tightrope of something that doesn't have enough funky warmth for House yet not enough cold mechanicalism for Techno, so what comes out instead is something stiff, repetitive, and boring. It's such a disappointment, like the last season of Game of Thrones.

Tech House had real promise. It could have done great things with the tools it had. And it's something everyone hoped would happen, like feeding Scrabble tiles to a dog to see if it shits out a word. But instead Tech House wasted its potential on pretentious Berlin nightclubs and that aimless, meandering noodlyness that the Brits are fond of, like a 70s prog rock solo that goes on for way too long. Technically interesting but utterly soulless...

Tech House can be good. There is honestly good Tech House out there. I've even heard some. But finding it is a Herculian task of Sisyphian anguish in a Kafka-esque, Orwellian realm of Dostoevskian torment. It is possible to load up your music player with nothing but Tech House mixes, hop into your car, and drive to the other end of the continent and back and never hear the same song twice yet never hear an interesting song once. The odds of coming across decent Tech House are worse than needles made of diamonds in a rough full of haystacks.

So, a big yes to pretty much all of that. I'm always willing to give tech-house (and all genres, for that matter) a chance, but I usually end up being bored by it in the end, and this ephemeral 1999 mix from veteran UK DJ Dave Mothersole as part of London label Eukahouse’s Tech House Phenomena series is no exception. It's just always basically moderately interesting backbeats with nothing melodically interesting going on on top. Somehow, this CD has a 4.2 rating on Discogs though, which is pretty high, so while Ishkur says this music's appealing to no one, there are people who seem to actually really enjoy it. But I don't think I'll ever understand why, personally.

That said, there are a few rare occasions on this album when the music's good: San Jose, California's E.B.E. has a track that I've loved for a while now called "Distraught," and it's this dubby, electro-splattery groove that has no two bars on it that sound exactly alike. So, for a dance genre that's typically stifled by monotony, this one seems to stand out from the rest.

And the closer, "Luv Talking," from London's Pure Science, is pretty great too. It's something of an infectious party groove that already comes equipped with sampled bits of recorded revelers itself, so it sort of just has this naturally inviting post-disco house essence to it. And it appears to be exclusive to this mix too, besides its appearance on a 12-inch that's also called Tech House Phenomena 3 that was most likely released as a teaser for this mix.

So, if you'd like to hear that song in particular, or you're brave enough to admit that you actually love tech-house, you can message me for this mix, because I unfortunately am unable to find any kind of link for it.

And go check out Ishkur’s Guide to Electronic Music too. His website is a uniquely indispensable resource for learning about electronic music and the histories and sonic characteristics of its many niche genres. His depth of knowledge on the subject is incredibly vast, and his genre explainers are witty, funny, and insightful. Plus, the playlists he puts together for each genre are really good too, especially for the genres he enjoys, which seem to be a lot of them. I’m a really big fan of his work and his writings have definitely played a role in helping me develop my own eclectic and nuanced tastes in electronic music. Without him, this silly music blog I have probably would never exist 🥺.

Highlights:

E.B.E. - "Distraught" Bryan Zentz - "Binary Ritual" Pure Science - "Luv Talking"

[doescortexiwork]

DOES CORTEXI REALLY WORK? CORTEXI REVIEW - CORTEXI SUPPLEMENT REVIEWS

Welcome to the Cortexi Review channel.

In this blog we will post everything about the Cortexi supplement.

We created a review about Cortexi explaining whether the supplement works, what the ingredients are, how to use it and much more.

✔ Cortexi What is it for?

The Cortexi supplement will help your ears stay healthy. Here are some of the benefits of taking Cortexi:

Healthy Hearing Support

Natural Memory Shielding

Mental Sharpness Aid

Overall Inflammation Reduction

These are the main benefits of Cortexi.

✔ Does Cortexi Work?

Yes, Cortexi works because it contains only the natural ingredients that are effective in supporting amazing hearing naturally.

✔ Cortex Ingredients

The Cortex formula has more than 20 ingredients that support healthy hearing. We can highlight:

Grape Seed: Antioxidants protect the ear

Green Tea: Improves blood flow to the ears

Gymnema Sylvestre: Supports hearing

Capsicum Annuum: Supports healthy inflammation

Panax Ginseng: Neuroprotective properties

Astragalus: Supports clear sounds

Chromium Picolinate: Supports auditory health

Maca Root: Boosts Your Energy

✔ How to take Cortexi?

Take one dropper in the morning before breakfast and take another dropper before lunch. You can place it under your tongue, dissolve it in a glass of water, or natural juice. You will love the results and how you'll feel.

✔ Where to Buy Cortexi Supplement?

Buy the Cortexi Supplement only on the official website of the manufacturer, as this way you guarantee the Original Cortexi with all the benefits of the product.

I left the Cortexi Official Site link in this description.

✔ Cortexi Guarantee

The manufacturer of Cortexi offers a 60-day product Guarantee.

✔ Cortexi Results

You can see customer testimonials by going to Cortexi's official website

✔ Is Cortexi 100% Natural?

Yes, Cortexi has a 100% natural formula.

✔ Cortexi Side Effects

Because it is a 100% natural supplement, Cortexi has no side effects.

✔ Does Cortexi work for tinnitus?

Yes, Cortexi works for Tinnitus.

Tinnitus has been linked to memory loss, dementia and hearing loss.

So, taking Cortexis is worth it and I recommend using it to fight tinnitus and have healthy hearing.

✔ Cortexi Reviews

That was the Cortexi review, I hope I cleared all your doubts about this supplement for healthy hearing.

Now you know that Cortexi Works and that it is worth taking.

>>> Official Website Cortexi Supplement

[aburruso-capstone-uhwoacm]

Progress Update #5

Not that much has happened since the last update, but I still managed to hit some major milestones.

First of all, I got *almost* all of the preliminary sprites done.  I actually forgot to make sprites for the markers, though this is because the markers themselves were not part of the original plan.  Other than that, I did all the sprites for Sasha, the firewalls, the servers, and the buttons.  That being said, I’m going to have to redo them.  I will explain why pretty soon.

Besides the sprites, I also made some sound effects.  I made them with the help of a website called jsfxr, where you can generate various sound effects for video games.  For most of the sounds, I just fiddled around with jsfxr and then downloaded them when I was satisfied with them.  However, I did a bit more editing for the sounds that play when you take down a server and run into a firewall.  For those, I made two different sounds in jsfxr and then blended them together in Adobe Audition.  I am mostly satisfied with the end results, but I ran into an issue with the firewall sound effect.

Now, remember how in the last post, I mentioned that I was going to do a playtesting session?  Well, I wanted to get all the sprites and sound effects into the game so that the students who would be playing it wouldn’t have to just look at squares; even if the sprites weren’t perfect, they would still be a step up from what I had in the first build.  So, the day before the session was spent importing all the sprites and sound effects into the game.  This is when I found some issues. 

First of all, Sasha’s sprite is super small compared to the play area (see the picture below - this is before I put in the other sprites; fortunately, their sizes were fine).  Her sprites’ current resolution is 22x22, so I’m thinking I’ll have to increase it to make it easier to see her.  Besides that, the firewall sound effect sounded different when I put it in GameMaker.  Specifically, it sounds less like an electric shock (which is what it’s supposed to be) and more like a really loud and annoying grinder.  I don’t know why the sound changed, especially since the others didn’t.  Unfortunately, I didn’t have time to fix those issues, so I just had to leave them as is in for the playtesting session.

As for the session itself, it went rather well.  A lot of the kids had fun playing it.  They also provided a lot of good feedback for the game.  While they provided some suggestions that I do not think I can do (such as adding more levels), they also had some that I will try to do this month.  They include:

Polishing the graphics

Recoloring either the servers or firewalls so they look more distinct (most likely, I’ll make the firewalls yellow instead of orange)

Adding a working tutorial (fun fact: the old tutorial still used the squares, and I didn’t have time to add the new sprites in it, so I completely removed it from the build the students played.  As a workaround, I did demonstrate the game in front of the class.  Regardless, I want to get the tutorial done since I obviously can’t do that for all the people who play it).

Try to implement numbers into the grid (to make it easier to see where the coordinates are)

Fixing the firewall sound effect

This is quite a lot to get done.  I am a little nervous about redoing the graphics; I'm not 100% sure if my skill is up to par to make something better than what I have now.  Still, I’m going to try my best.

Also, here’s the link to the game; you can now try it out with the new graphics: https://aliyah-burruso.itch.io/capstone-sneaker-first-build.  (Yes, the url says “first build.”  No, this is not an April Fools’ prank.  I just didn’t want to change the url and confuse the teacher who let me playtest with her class.  I’ll definitely change it later).

That’s all I have for this update.  For the next couple of weeks, I’ll focus on revising the sprites.  Once I’m done with that, I’ll do the tutorial and add some more things I’ve been wanting to do for the game.  Let’s see how things go.

[baeddel]

do you have a goodreads account? i would like to be able to study and be as well-read as you... if you don't, but you do have free time and the motivation to help out your less educated followers, could you just recommend me some books? history and linguistics are the most interesting things to me and you seem to have a really solid base in those things.

long reply, sometimes a little silly

yes! this is my goodreads. i don't really maintain it that well, and a lot of my reviews are from when i was 22 or 23, so look at it with that in mind. most of goodreads features are based on a theory of reading that doesn't correspond very much with how i read. they think you make lists of books you want to read, read them cover to cover, and evaluate that book as a book. i don't do that; i make lists of books that are relevant to a certain topic, i read pages that are relevant to the topic i'm worried about, and i evaluate the claims made within the field as i encounter it. for example, the handful of comments Orlando Patterson made about slavery in Germanic textual sources in his 800-page long Slavery & Social Death have had a lot of influence on how i engage with Germanic textual sources, something that book isn't about. Deleuze & Guattari talk about the "immediate, indefinite multiplicity of secondary roots" that a book has. Slavery & Social Death is a book about Germanic philology insofar as books are rhizomes, while insofar as books are taproots it's a comparative study of slavery in 66 slave societies. by the way, Sara-Maria Sorentino believes that no one reads past the first few pages of the introduction to Slavery & Social Death (2016, 1). and Youri Cormier believes that most academics who've published books on Clausewitz have never read past the first chapter of On War (War as Paradox, 2016, Introduction). you can avoid that kind of scrutiny by reading a page somewhere in the middle or close to the end, but before the conclusion. you'll be doing something no one else might have ever done, and everyone will be impressed you know something about a page with three numbers in its name. they'll immediately tell you about the first four pages that they did read, so there's no real reason to read them yourself.

anyway, i don't have a solid base at all. you read one post where i use a word you had to google and you think i know something. i don't know anything really. most of my posts are supposed to be experiments with stream of consciousness writing or else they're actually just jokes. you just don't notice because you don't know what i'm talking about. the truth is i'm a forum crank you will quickly outgrow. anyway, i won't recommend you any books because you should be reading books as little as possible. you want to read papers. you should read papers because they're concise and recent and peer-reviewed. autodidacts always try to slog through one long book, and when they're done with it they start another, often by the same author. as a result they learn most of one professor's pet theories and very little about the field. you don't want to do that. in the same number of pages you could read 30 papers all written by people who disagree with each other. you'll watch them reply to each other and when they do they'll summarize the other guy's argument for you, and then they'll tell you what pages the important bits are on, so you can go and read those if you want. and then they'll say why that guy’s wrong, and they'll probably say "that guy is wrong because he's making this mistake about how this discipline works", which they'll try to correct, and now they're explaining how the discipline works to you and you immediately know quite a lot just from this one paper. to read a paywalled paper, just put the DOI (a link with a string of numbers in it) into sci-hub.

here's how i get oriented in something i want to get into:

i type [subject] + reading list into google. what you're looking for are university websites that are preparing reading lists for students. for example, when i was first reading about literary theory i found this remarkable list hosted on the University of Kentucky's site. you don't actually want to read everything or even anything on this list; the main thing is how it’s organized. this list is organized into sections like pre-theory, formalism, structuralism, reader-response, etc. as soon as you look at it you know quite a bit about the discipline. now you can try to figure out what those things mean and find a corner of the discipline to start on.

type [subject] best textbooks or similar into google. the university page might have already suggested a textbook, but here i want to hear from students who had to use a particular book for class and what they thought of it. usually you're looking for reddit or stackexchange threads (the stackexchange threads will all be locked for being open-ended questions lol). if someone makes a good case for a particular book they used, put the title into google scholar. find the book and see where it says "cited by n", however many citations it has. if you click that it'll display all the other stuff that cites that textbook. some of them will be reviews. alternatively search [title] review. academic journals publish more reviews than they do articles; almost everything will have a review by someone who is in that field for a living, both contributing as a researcher and teaching students about it. they're going to 1. summarize the contents of the textbook, as well as its relationship to the overall pedagogical field in that area (this can shade into an interesting kind of inquiry called 'reception studies'), 2. say if they think it's useful, sometimes based on their experience teaching with it, and 3. say all the stuff it gets wrong, which is really good to know. if you still want the book (ie. the book sounds better than a summary of the book—which not all of them are), try and find it on z-lib/libgen, archive.org or soulseek. for literary theory i used Peter Barry's Beginning Theory which is great. i read most chapters, and the annotated Further Reading section at the back is tremendously helpful.

download one of the software mentioned in this thread. it will search your keyword on google scholar and then return a list of results ordered by number of citations (for some reason google scholar doesn't have that feature natively). this will basically give you a list of papers that other academics feel obliged to respond to the most often, which means they're probably worth reading yourself. hopefully by now you have an idea of what you want to read about, because you have to give it something specific. you can't just search "history" this way.

in addition or alternatively, just type [subject] into google scholar, find a recent paper and scroll to the 'bibliography' section, and you can use this as a list of relevant papers and books.

if you haven't found one already, type in [subject] subject encyclopedia. these things are indispensible! i talk about how to use them in this goodreads review.

by now you should feel comfortably oriented with respect to the major schools and arguments within the field. **NOTE: for more technical areas of linguistics, biology, or anything involving statistics, i lean a lot on girls i'm sleeping with who are qualified to explain things to me and give their informed opinion. i try and have a sexual relationship with someone in every field i might want to know things about.** while you're doing all that stuff you should keep a list of texts you encounter that seem worthwhile, along with some contextualizing comments. mine look like this (from a text file called as_list21.txt, as = anglo-saxon, 21 = 2021, the year i started the list):

there are other sections headed 'language & philology', 'history & archeology', etc. and from marx_secondary22.txt:

which mixes headers for approaches and geographic distinctions rather than using subfields. how you group things doesn't matter, it's just to organize it for easy reference.

while you read you should learn to take notes. try and keep your notes brief and include page numbers. notes are useful if they let you forget things and still find them when you need them. if, instead, you want to remember something, you should think about using anki. i talk about those things more in this answer.

while you're on this road you should be mindful of the blinders you might be putting on yourself. academic books and papers are a small part of academia in general. a lot of academia doesn't happen in those little journals. i once read this academic librarian's criticism of sci-hub (see) and i think a lot of what they have to say is pretty silly (a mix of bootlicking and capitalist realism which is not even worth thinking about), but they made one point that i think about a lot which was that

Enabling access to [published journal] papers only serves to reinforce the association that these final, peer-reviewed manuscripts are the de facto currency of science. This perversely enhances the status of prestige publication [...] It is also completely at odds with DORA (the San Francisco Declaration on Research Assessment) which calls for a reappraisal of how the outputs of research are evaluated, and for “the need to eliminate the use of journal-based metrics, such as Journal Impact Factors, in funding, appointment, and promotion considerations”

ie. before sci-hub made access to journal articles easy for everybody, the conversation was around whether or not journal articles even mattered. most scientific work—maybe this is less true in letters fields, i'm not sure—is not really done in papers. conferences and presentations are a big way academic ideas are circulated and those are things we just don't have access to. and maybe there are other things i don't even know about. for myself, i try to prioritize conversations, and i am never sorry to fall behind on my reading if i get to have mutually beneficial conversations with someone who is doing or making something i care about.

but what do i care about? is it historical linguistics, medievalism, and so forth, anything that i study and write about? the answer is not really. i do that stuff because i'm insane. what i'm doing—it isn't normal. it isn't something anybody wants to do. you want to learn about history and linguistics, but what can you do with those things? only two things: 1. advance the field of history or linguistics, 2. impress cute girls with the stuff you know. you end up feeling like Jean des Esseintes, cramming a couple more gems on the turtle's shell. what i really care about is anarchy. does knowing about the disappearance of i-stem words from Old English really help me spread anarchy? it's difficult to imagine any situation where that kind of knowledge is necessary or even disposable. i recently read this essay by Olúfẹ́mi Táíwò (here) where he talks about how activists from Flint, Michigan, in response to the political corruption that led to their water being contaminated and undrinkable for so long, were able to raise the attention of others outside of their city, gather a team of sympathetic scientists to conduct tests on the water and prove that it was contaminated, and use that to unravel the whole thing and force a solution to the problem. not one single person from Flint, Michigan had to know a thing about chemistry or public health prior to the contamination. after the contamination happened, one person, LeeAnne Walters, "systematically educated herself about water lead issues and diagnosed the cause for elevated blood lead in her children" (Roy & Edwards, 2019), after which she was able to connect with an Enviormental Protection guy called Miguel Del Toral, and both local amateur scientific interest and interest within the scientific community snowballed from there.

so the conditions for a successful movement didn't rely on anyone having any particular kind of pre-existing intellectual training. you might think this sounds like an argument against ivory tower book learning, and therefore a defense of an argument that anarchists occasionally make, that anarchists shouldn't learn abstruse theory but should focus on local, practical knowledge like the locations of nearby water supply networks and how to repair vehicles and so forth (Sergey Nechayev advanced a version of this, saying that "[t]he revolutionary despises all doctrines and refuses to accept the mundane sciences" except "the science of destruction [...] mechanics, physics, chemistry, and perhaps medicine", see). however there was a clever reply to this made by someone on here, who's name i unfortunately don't remember, which was that for any revolution to be successful it will need to involve making connections with people like municipal workers who already know the locations of water supplies, labourers who already know how to repair vehicles and so forth. so anarchists who devote themselves to such 'practical' activities are wasting their time; if they actually need to use it they must be at such a disadvantage that this knowledge will not save them. the truth is that "one can prepare the cradle, but not bring to life the long-awaited being" (Blanqui). your time is best served making an organization that anyone actually wants to belong to, which includes helping lumpen/proletarians realize their aspirations, which may well invovle discussing diachronic linguistics or other esoteric subjects (i have found this to be true). the Comando Vermelho spend most of their time organizing dance parties.

as for myself, i promote whatever anyone is interested in, because i believe that it is better to have a hobby than to get sucked into any of these horrific political cults i've watched my friends get sucked into out of desperation, that abuse their members, cover up scandals, and appropriate funds. these organizations are not just wrong, and they do not just mistreat individuals; they also decimate the movement by attracting all the young, politically engaged people only to isolate them from their loved ones and let them burn out, get them arrested with reckless actions or alienate them from the movement with whisper campaigns, or in the worst cases torture and kill them (like the United Red Army did), and all the while perpetuate themselves forever to do it all again. if i can make sure that everyone would rather be at home reading the Eddas than going out and 'organizing' that way then they'll only lend their energy to organizations and activities that are really efficacious, and the movement, when and where it happens, will be in a stronger position. Baudrillard's quip: "For a healthy distribution of energies, the best thing is to commit one’s cowardice in the service of a good cause and one’s courage to the service of the bad ones."

what did you ask? well anyway, good luck!

[graylinesspam]

I guess I feel like stirring the pot tonight but I'm gonna actually put my two cents into this "tiktokification of autism" debate for a second. I'm gonna need everyone on this, the "we piss on the poor", website to take a fuckin breath.

In psychology there's this pretty simply concept they teach you in the 'intro to' class which is that when it comes to hereditary mental conditions if you carry the genes for a condition it's probably going to affect you a little bit, even if it is not a diagnose-able amount.

As a personal example My own great grandfather has Bipolar disorder and has been medicated for it for longer than I have been alive. As a result all of his children were very familiar with the symptoms and were quick to point out when each other was displaying or describing symptoms of that disorder in their own live. That stuck around for my mothers generation and now my own as well. None of his children have been diagnosed with the condition because they do not display these symptoms with a consistency or extreme that hinders their ability to live their day to day life. A couple of aunts have chosen to go on mood stabilizers because it makes their lives more enjoyable to live without the riding the emotional ups and downs. Which yes, many of us experience hormonal based emotional roller coasters that dictate whether or not we're capable of experiencing positive or negative emotions but those symptoms are so mild that they are not considered diagnose-able.

Where as pawpaw (who was diagnosed) had huge mood swings that would leave him so manic he destroyed the brick divider wall in their kitchen to open the space up one random day, followed by a week where he wouldn't even sit up in bed to take a sip of water. His children's experiences were more periods of increased confidence followed by periods of malaise.

The criteria for having a condition diagnosed is that it has to cause persistent and significant interference with your ability to live your life.

Now if you've followed me through that rant then listen to this one. Tiktok (and i am not advocating for that app lets keep it neutral) by it's very nature is an app that relies on quick reading and comprehension. Those videos aren't going to hold you're hand through explaining what they mean, you just need to figure it the fuck out using things like common sense.

So if you see a video where an autistic person is sharing the less irritating and sort of funny trait of their condition and it's something that "everybody experiences" or something that's totally "not" a symptoms of autism, maybe instead of immediately rolling your eyes at it why don't you take a minute to ask yourself if it actually is tho?

like sure not everyone who puts on music while they clean has autism, but ask yourself what if that trait did fit the diagnostic criteria, what would that look like? Because for me it meant that I literally got fired for a cleaning service job for smuggling my phone with me because despite being very competent at cleaning I physically could not do it without listening to music. I'm not talking about it was too boring or I just had a bad time at it. I mean I literally forgot how to clean a toilet and ended up having a crying meltdown at lunch after only getting through two rooms because I needed my music in order for my brain to function properly. I'd call that having a significant effect on my ability to live my life.

Maybe not everyone who has a specific hobby they keep up with for years is autistic, but the people whose hobbies consume them, leaving room for less of other experiences in their lives? the ones who buy too much merch and watch the content over and over and don't pick up new material? the ones who maladaptive daydream to the point of it interrupting their real life experiences, or have periods where they actually wish they could think about anything else? And also maybe the same kinds of fandoms attract those autistic people.

so next time you see a video about "if you were obsessed with these fandoms growing up then you might be autistic" maybe think about what the word obsessed might mean to an autistic person (whose has very literal and black and white thinking). Because assuming that they mean the most bland fucking vague horoscope version of a behavior or experience they're describing is exactly where you'll go wrong.

Btw, this is a good scale to use when wondering if you should get something mental or physical diagnosed.

[hedgiwithapen]

Wait, you believe me? Ezekiel and Cisco

The  guy standing at the gate had a really  great accent, Cisco had to admit. “I’m the Librarian,” he said, like that explained  everything, when Cisco had spotted him on the cameras, very obviously looking for a place to climb the somewhat rickety chain link fence that surrounded STAR Labs. “This is a restricted area,” Cisco said, nodding at the signs while folding his arms in his best impression of Joe. He knew he wasn’t exactly the most intimidating as a civilian, but this guy was kinda scrawny too, so it was worth a shot. “Sorry, Mate,” the guy beamed, holding up a black ID wallet for a heartbeat. “I’m here to pick up an item on loan.” “Don’t you usually just send out a letter with a fine?” “Oh, Ezekiel Jo-Johns, Special collections!” he said brightly. Well, it’s certainly a unique way to try and rob us. Cisco thought, Better than bribing a janitor, anyways. He knew he should call Barry in, since he was in civvies and he couldn’t count on just blasting the guy and hope that the resulting concussion would give him a little memory loss but not actually hurt him much. But it was a fairly boring thursday, and Cisco  wanted to know what the guy thought was here that was both so special and also remotely portable. “Special collections, huh? I thought that was just old books they didn’t let anyone touch without those acid free gloves.” Ezekiel gave an almost affronted look, casually checking the gate. “Nah. I mean, yes, some of it, but this isn’t the 16th century. Clearly. Because Time traveling is wrong. I mean, uh,  impossible.” The way he said it before correcting himself sounded like he was quoting a lecture. Internally, Cisco wondered if whoever gave that kind of scolding might come pay them a visit here. “ Pretty much all libraries lend audiobooks, ebooks, movies, some special collections have, like, powertools, or 3D printers… video games, which is pretty sick, right?” Cisco nodded in agreement before the little voice that sounded like Caitlin in his mind hissed, do not agree with the thief.

  “Yeah, well, that’s a good pitch for our tax dollars at work, but we didn’t borrow anything from CCPL.” “Oh, not that library,” Ezekiel smiled again. “Maybe it was your boss? I have the paperwork…” he rummaged in his shoulderbag. Cisco stopped him “How do you know I’m not the boss?” “Well when I hac--looked it up in our records it said Harrison Wells, and you sure don’t look like a paraplegic old white guy, so…” “Dude, he died like a year and a half ago.” “Oh. You should really update your website, then. And we should update our files.  Still using the card catalog system, it’s a bit of an issue. Anyways, he borrowed a thing, we need the thing back, so if you wanna just unlock that gate--” “Sure,” Cisco said easily. More than ever he really wanted to know what this dude’s plan even was. He wasn’t a metahuman, his prop badge just said “ the Library” on it, and he sure didn’t have a getaway car idling nearby. “I’ll help you find it. What is it, exactly?” “Oh-- yes, good idea, you want to make sure I’m not here to steal all of your, uh… particles.  Uh, wood box, about so big--” he indicated  nearly his own height. “Got a stick in it. Pointy.” Cisco had a flash of memory--just regular recollection, no blue strobe. Sara had brought them a box like that, something that needed to be destroyed. Something they’d tried desperately to destroy. Something that couldn’t be destroyed, and so needed to be locked down with people she trusted, but where even she couldn’t get at it. Not Argus. She’d warned him not to open it, so of course he had. The Spear of Destiny had promised him power, had promised him his brother, had promised him a thousand things he had seen himself with in vibes. He had locked it back into darkness. Anxiety crept up the back of his neck. “Of course. I think I know where Dr. Wells put it. Follow me.” This was no longer a case of turn the thief away and laugh about it later. This was A Problem. Cisco mentally calculated the days since the last massive teamup and came out with well under a year, so hopefully whatever calamity this was, it wouldn’t require a full crossover. Ezekiel followed him, his footsteps almost silent as they went down one curving hall, past the cortex and further. Cisco smacked a scanner, opening one of the storage rooms that was eighty percent boxes of STAR Labs sweatshirts and the remaining twenty star labs mugs.  “Right here,” he said with a gesture. The “librarian”  grinned, looking a bit apprehensive for the first time. “Great. I appreciate it, really.  Some people--all kinds of judgements, you know? That I’m too young or handsome to be a Librarian. So thanks for not making me call my boss and pull up my MyFace account and all that, you just believed me.” “Oh, I super did not,” Cisco said, pushing him in and closing the door hard and fast. It chirped as it locked. “You should have picked a better cover. FBI, MI6, literally anything else.” He heard some of the best cursing of his life from the other side of the door as he pulled out his phone, sending the trouble alert.  No one was stealing the Spear of Destiny on his watch. Just ahead, the elevator doors glimmered with blue.