#you can forgive yourself and treat yourself a little kinder today

[doggyhour]

Spanking except for: I approach my dom with my head down holding my round wooden paddle and I am nearly shaking in anticipation. I raise my eyes to theirs and quietly tell them ive been naughty, that I need to be hurt real bad to make up for it. I hand over the paddle. They ask what I’ve done, and I tell them with tears in my eyes how I’d been mean to my friend, how I didn’t mean to, how it got out of hand and I didn’t apologize when I should have, and my dom nods, setting my paddle down and pulling me into a big, secure hug. They hush me and pet me and hold me, telling me to cry, telling me it will be okay and I didn’t ruin everything, of course I didn’t, and they let me wrap my fists into their shirt and breathe on their neck, and they wait until I pull away first to sit down and gently bring me to sit next to them. they ask first if I want the spanking, and I put my hands over my face and say yes, they ask how I feel, what my color is, why I really need a punishment, because it isn’t for being mean when I already punished myself enough for it. I say I don’t know, I just want to hurt a good little, I need to move through it. They understand. They tell me to stand and strip, slowly.

I strip naked and stand in front of them, fully clothed, as they beckon me to lay across their lap this time. I brace myself with my arms crossed. Their warm hand massages each side of my ass, as they speak, “This is just a warm up, okay? How do you feel?”

“Good,” I whisper, even if the tears never fully left my eyes.

The first time their palm connects I gasp, eyes shutting, my whole body rigid. They massage me again, rubbing circles, before their hand strikes again, on the other cheek. I breathe in and out slow, these hits are lighter than the paddle will be, I know it, but the tiny sting spreads through my whole body. The hits continue, growing faster and only slightly harsher.

After my ass is set a light pink and I can feel it, my dom finally, finally picks up my paddle and pets my hair. “I am giving you this punishment not for how you treated your friend, but how you treated yourself. You deserve kindness as much as anyone else, and your actions today do not reflect that. In the future, you will forgive yourself of small things before they build up into situations like this. Do you understand? Repeat it back to me, please.”

Breathlessly, I try to find my words. “I’m being punished for bottling up my feelings. I’ll work to be kinder to myself and express my emotions freely.”

“Good, baby boy. Now, I think 20 strikes. Hm?”

I thank them profusely, relaxing into their lap like sinking into a bath, and their hand trails down my body, and they guide me with a hand at the small of my back into position on the couch, and I brace myself with my arms crossed.

My dom raises the paddle, I can almost feel it rising, and the first connection sends electric across my lower half. Without even thinking I count “one, thank you.”

By the second hit, my eyes are hooded, my chin is tucked into my arms. I am tending and relaxing so fast my dom has to tell me to stop, I’ll hurt myself. The way the wood snaps at my tender flesh is too much. I wonder if I’ll have bruises and shudder through the third strike.

By the fifth I’m drooling. By the eighth the sting has hit me full force, actually hurting now. I hold my arms tighter and barely squeeze out a thank you after counting. My dom hums appreciatively. At ten I let out what could be called a wail as they come down particularly hard, I writhe and they hook a leg over both mine and smack me once more, just as hard. I yell, “eleven!” but the next doesn’t fall until I catch my breathe and say “thank, thank you, please” At twelve I realize I have so many more, and let out my first sob. Again, my dom stops, begins to rub my burning ass, and says “thats good, baby, cry for me, let it out. Are you ready now?”

I shuffle in their hold, nodding desperately, whimpering out “yes, please, yes, please” as my arms splay in front of me grappling for purchase on the couch, my face buried into the seat. My paddle falls again and I sob my thanks.

Each hit burns me, every part of it, the waiting, the landing, and i gasp in the moment the paddle pulls away right after connecting, when the burning sting is fully realized and I’m completely submerged in floating, overwhelming pain.

I count twenty before I even realize it and wait for the next hit before remembering I am done now, I did it. My dom praises my instantly, offering me gentle touches from my ass up my back and then down again. I am less than a puddle in their lap, boneless and heavy and smiling dazedly with tears drying on my face.

When my eyes are just beginning to fall closed, they ask me, “How did that feel, baby boy? Are you okay?”

I let out a noise between a moan and a laugh and ramble on, “Good, so good. I feel so good. Amazing. Thank you, thank you-“ as my focus falls to the warmth on the skin of my ass and the warmth of their body on mine.

They pet me gently, muttering praise that makes my insides flip and settle simultaneously, even if I do not fully comprehend. They let me float. I am breathing deep, barely aware of myself outside the burn layered across my body, the so good hurt, the core-deep tenderness. I breathe out similar praise back to my dom, muttering their words back to them as I come slowly back to myself.

[implexedactions]

Hello, Little One - Shoto Todoroki

So, do any of you like microphilia? No? Didn’t think so, but here it is anyway! A yandere giant Shoto Todoroki

Shoto is aged up and a pro hero!

Warning for Yandere Content and Microphilia

Beta’d by best person: @patchworkpiper​

---

“Hello, little one.”

You shudder at the sound of his voice as he steps through the door. What had been a nice nap to escape from reality was pulled away as you found yourself once again in this prison. You move off of the small bed, and to the bars of the metal cage you’re trapped in.

You barely knew why you were bothering to respond at this point, but he was the only human you had seen in…however long you have been here. The room you were in seemed to have the singular purpose of housing you, with very little else here. Your cage was in the north of the rectangular room on a table, with the door at the south, and the couch along the west wall. There was a large window (deadbolted with curtains, of course) in the east wall.

As his colossal form walks through the room towards you, his footsteps shake your cage. Shoto Todoroki, one of the city’s most well-known hero’s strolls over to you. He crouches down, his cold eyes peering through the bars at your tiny 2-inch form.

“How is my favourite little pet doing?” He questions, as you hide behind blankets and pillows. He is standing at his full height, making you eye level with his crotch. Looking down from his nose at you.

“Terribly. I hate it here. I want to go home. I wish you would die.” You state listlessly back to him.

His eyes thin as he sighs, exasperated.

“We have already gone over this, MULTIPLE times… If I let you out, you won’t be mine. You won’t be safe anymore. That would be unacceptable.” You feel the room get warmer as he grows more tired of your antics. You guess today wasn’t a good day at work.

“I’m not yours! You just stole me and shrank me!” You shout back at him, voice rising as you get angrier and angrier.

“…Pet, disrespect is not welcome here. I’m willing to overlook the odd comment here and there, but you know what will happen if you fight back…” His threat hangs in the air, as you reminisce about…that day.

--

“Little one, stop struggling, I NEED to wash you.” Probing hands prodded at your form as you moved backwards in the small basin, huddling in a corner, treading water, and using your nails to try and dig into his skin whenever it came close.

“Fine then. I hope you learn your lesson, brat.” His fingers grabbed you and shoved you underwater. You tried with all your might to pry them off, but they wouldn’t budge. Your breath was running out, lungs burning as your brain tried to force you to take a breath.

--

“…Sorry…” You avoid his eyes and look at the ground, hiding your face.

“Now little one, I have a surprise for you. I’m SURE you’ll appreciate it, right?”

He opens the cage door, reaching his hand in and grabbing you. His fingers close forcefully around you as he stands and strolls to the couch. Sitting upon it, he places you on his lap. You try not to think of which organ you're standing on as he continues speaking.

“Close your eyes for me, okay? I’m sure you’ll love it. I’ll have to touch you to put it on, but I promise I’ll be gentle.”

You close your eyes. You’ve already been disrespectful, and there’s only so far you can push Shoto before he’ll push back.

As he touches your neck, a bell is heard. Something coarse gets wrapped around your shaking neck with gentle precision. You open your eyes and your hand touches what you assume to be a collar. He brings a mirror up, so you’re able to see it in better detail. You see a red collar, sturdy and utilitarian. It carries with it a small gold bell, which jingles when shaken. It also has a nametag at the front.

“It says ‘pet’, in case you were wondering. I’m unsure if you can still read to be honest…It HAS been a while since you were intellectually challenged; living this life of luxury and whatnot.”

“I can still read!”

“Now THAT is a shock.”

“I don’t want to wear this! I hate it! It’s so uncomfortable!” All you're able to do is mess around with it helplessly and hope he doesn't choose to tighten it.

“Pet. Stop fussing. It was custom made, and if you break it, there WILL be consequences.”

“Why should I care?!” Punishment be damned, you can’t take him anymore.

“Hmm?” He raises an eyebrow, and peers down at you.

“I HATE it here! I hate you! What gives you the right to do this to me! I'd rather live out my days in that godforsaken cage than have you touch me again!” You scream the ugly words at him, you’re sick of him, sick of your life. He pinches the bridge of his nose and growls in frustration.

“Just give up already! We both know you’re not getting out of this! Why are you so disobedient?!” He glares at you, roughly grabbing you off his crotch and bringing you up to his face.  His fist encapsulates you, only letting your head move around.

“I want my old life back! I’m sick of YOUR hideous face being the only face I see!” As you shout the words at him, he drops you as he recoils in shock and hurt. 

Oh no. You cower, knowing you’ve fucked up. NEVER talk about his scar. 

He drops you back on his lap and brings the mirror to his face, his other hand touching the scar in a forlorn expression. His eyes scrunch up a bit, mouth wavering. This is the most vulnerable you’ve ever seen him. That vulnerability quickly dissipates into rage. Letting out a roar, he throws the mirror against the wall, shattering it into a thousand pieces. 

“Wait! I didn’t mean it like that! I’m sorry!”

He angrily glares at you as you feel less confident in your words. You can feel his hot breath hitting you as he seems to be thinking. He pulls out his phone with and starts typing furiously, before a few chimes emit from the phone. He hasn’t said anything for a good while, and your heart is pounding. His face returns to a more self-satisfied expression as he looks back to you.

“Hmmm. Okay. That’s possible.” He says, a hint of malice in his voice.

“Wait, what?” Your eyes widen as you fear his sudden change in attitude.

“I said that is possible. I can arrange for you to see someone else for a while.”

“Are you letting me go?” You aren’t that hopeful, but maybe?

“That isn’t what you said, pet. You said that you wanted to see a new face. THAT I can provide.” You don’t like the sound of that.

“This is going to be someone worse than you, isn’t it? You’re not that slick, Todoroki. You’re basic.” A grin overtakes the face of your captor as your stomach sinks. It appears you forgot your place again.

“Oh, getting cocky now, are we? Let’s see if you feel that way after a week with my old man.” Your blood runs cold. His father, Enji Todoroki?! You’ve seen the man before, on TV and whatnot. Shoto speaks of him sometimes, seemingly trying to use his trauma as a bonding tool. It mainly just instilled the fact that Enji Todoroki was someone to be feared, someone who wouldn’t give a second thought to anyone he didn’t think was worth the time. You highly doubt he’d even give you a first thought.

“W-wait, w-what?”

“He's a bastard. A lot less forgiving, if you catch my drift. He hates distractions, and I don’t think he’d be all that fond of you, pet. I do not envision dealing with him to be all that nice. He is a cruel person, and I think having a pet to torture would be right up his alley.”  

“I thought you hated him?”

“True, but he’s really been trying to gain my trust. And he’ll do basically anything I ask. Even looking after a pet for a week.” Your blood is pumping, you can hear your heartbeat in your ears.

“I-I-I-” You stammer, trying to find any solid ground in this argument. Shoto just grins and continues.

“Of course, he’s quite forgetful and dismissive. So, I wouldn’t expect him to remember to feed you or really care for you-”

“Why- why would you-”

“-or maybe he’ll just drop you on the ground and expect you to fend for yourself for the week. Surviving his day to day life. His footsteps, workouts, and daily routines, surviving off crumbs, stolen food, and the like.” You can’t take this, your sassy front has crumbled away. Shoto’s threats are too much for you to push back against. 

You can’t imagine surviving a week with Enji, him burning you if you don’t do exactly what he asks. You can only be so defiant against the person who rules your life. Shoto has won this argument. You can only give in and pray that he doesn’t go through with it.

“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to say what I said!” Shoto just looks at you, looking smug, and continues.

“After all, he doesn’t have much time for arrogant, stupid, tiny pests.”

“Please! I’m sorry! I don’t want that!” You are shaking now, on your knees in his palm, head sagging.

“Oh, am I scaring you, pet? I mean, there are other possibilities...” You jump at this chance to be good again. Anything to keep you away from Enji.

“Like if I behave, or make it up to you?” You’ll do anything he asks, you just need to not end up with Enji.

“I was meaning my father. He doesn’t have anyone in the house anymore and he seems quite lonely, he might take a liking to you. Constantly being around you, or demanding things of you. He might really take a fancy to you.” 

Wait, what?

“W-what do you mean, exactly?”

“Well. My old man doesn’t have anyone in the house, he’d probably latch onto anyone new he could care for…or train. I think it’d be cute, no? A huge, strong man like him, fawning and fussing over my pet. He might view himself as a grandfather.” Shoto chuckled to himself lightly. 

“Imagine a man like Endeavour, constantly wanting to be around you, hold you, feed you, bathe you, sleep with you. It’s not impossible to think that he’d be loving towards you.” It sounds better than Shoto’s treatment of you. Enji might be kinder, if he was like what was just described?

“Is…that meant to be a threat? He’d treat me better than you presumably.”

“Well, no, he wouldn’t. See, my old man is the type of man to get frustrated easily. His quirk is fire, and he has a VERY short fuse. If you don’t act like the PERFECT little pet, he’ll get mad, fast. And let’s face it, you’re a brat.”  You regret ever waking up from that nap. You also regret all the actions you’ve made since that nap.

“Think about it, burning large manly hands grabbing for you, or giving a downright villainous glare because you DARED deny his affection.” Okay, staying with Shoto was the better choice again. The idea of being around either version of Enji shook you to your core.

“I-I…Please don’t make me go with your father! I’m sorry for what I said! I really am! Please, don’t make me spend a week with him!” He seemed to stop and consider it, a thoughtful expression crossing his face.

“Hmm. Will you stop being such a brat?”

“Yes! Of course, I’ll do anything!”

“Kiss me, on the lips.” 

You step back, legs shaking, eyes darting to his lips in terror. He’s requested this before, but you always denied it. It’s too close, too personal, too intimate. It’s an act that would seal the corrupted relationship you two share.

“W-what?”

He brings his palm, with you on it, closer to his lips.

“Come now, little one. You said you’d do anything to prove to me you won’t be such a brat.”

Hesitantly, you move closer, wrapping your arms around yourself. Swallowing thickly, you slowly lean forward and place your tiny lips on his, sealing the deal. He’s holding his breath, waiting anxiously for you to prove your loyalty to him.

As you lean back from the kiss, he breathes out, warm breath washing over you. 

“Thank you for that my pet. You truly have established your loyalty to me. I just have one more thing to ask of you.”

“What is it? I’ll do anything, I swear!” You just don’t want to end up with the devil. You know how much ‘fun’ Shoto could have with the word ‘anything’, you’re not an idiot. But anything is preferable to Enji.

“In a couple of days, I’ll be going away for a week or so. International hero conference, you know the deal. You will have to stay with my old man for that period.” 

Your stomach drops as you start crying. He...he lied to you! He betrayed you!

“B-but…you…you promised!”

“I said nothing of the sort. I simply asked if you’d stop being such a brat, to which you responded enthusiastically. Not my fault you misinterpreted what I said.” A wicked grin overtakes his face, as his hand cocoons your body, leaving only your head.

“I HATE YOU! You’re a villain! What makes you think you can do this?! You’re just like your father! I hope you both rot in hell together! I hate you!” You’re past the point of caring with Shoto, he can burn in hell for all you care. Although considering he is giving you to Todoroki Senior, the feeling might be mutual.

“Hahaha, little one, ferocious as ever. I DO hope you’ll survive the week with my father, it’d be such a shame otherwise.”

[kelieah]

hello, kelly here. you may or may not know me. but i tend to always reach out and let everyone know that i am there for them. and i keep my word. i try my best to be there for you all, and i try my best to listen, give advice, etc. and yes, i’m aware it can be damaging to my mental health, but i can’t help but think that there are so many people out there that need help, and i could be doing something about it. i will always think back to the times i was a little girl who felt like i had no one to reach out to. i never, never want anyone to feel that way. but i would like you to know that i am trying so hard for you all. constantly having friends, mutuals and loved ones tell me certain things that aren’t something they can come back from and leaving me hopeless. it’s terrifying. it’s so fucking terrifying. and i know. darling trust me i know you may feel like you deserve it or that it’s the only way out. but fucking trust me when i say that someone out there loves you, cares about you and appreciates you. and if you can’t think of anyone that does, i do. i do. and i truly mean it. i truly care about you all. and it hurts me so fucking much that i can’t make you all feel better sometimes. please, please, please keep holding on. you are human. you are real. you are here for a reason. you are so fucking loved. and you matter so fucking much. i am proud of you for waking up today. i am proud of you for getting through the day today, the little things matter. the baby steps matter. please. please. there is truly more to life. there truly is a lot more ahead of you and you don’t even know it. please. i care about you. i care about you all so so much. and it pains me, it truly fucking pains me to see what you and we all do to ourselves. many of us go through a lot already, please try your best to not make yourself worse. the way you’re treating yourself, would you treat your younger self that way? would you treat a loved one that way? please try your best and be kinder to yourself. be more forgiving to yourself. please keep trying. please keep pushing. try to keep in mind that there will always, always be clear skies after the storm. please don’t give up. please remember to breathe. please know you’re valid. please know you’re human. please know you’re amazing. please know you’re beautiful. please.

[atinybitofau]

[PART 5] S A N ⇲ royal series au

RECAP: san is king of eden, you’re queen of elos under one nation along side 7 other lone kings. you stop by the kingdom of serene with seonghwa’s not-so-happy reaction to the announcement of your coronation. two lovely king brothers decide to pay you a little visit when you do get home not long after.

• series masterlist •

⇩ PART FIVE ⇩ , click me to read part four.

“How was your trip, darling?”

Exhausted and feeling extremely restless from the 9 hour long journey back to Serene, you couldn’t help but glare at the chirpy early bird who smirked as you were escorted out of your carriage.

“Well if it makes you feel any better, we’ll be leaving for your Elos soon. It’s only an hour more.” He adds in spite of your annoyed expression.

“I’m going smear that smirk on your face right off if you don’t get me a glass of water in the next 10 seconds.”

“Already done.”

The thick eyebrowed Serene king whips out from behind his back a tall glass of purified water and you gawk at him in appreciation.

“You know me too well, King Park.”

“Mhm.”

You take his offering hand as he leads you inside his simple castle, a home cozy for a lone bachelor like himself. You glance at him while walking through his empty corridors, seeing the dark bags that had grown under his eyes and the tired look he sent forward despite his normal kingsley aura.

“What’s wrong?” You ask him as you find settling place in his study.

He sighs. “Hongjoong and I have been receiving threats against your kingdom and are handling it accordingly. I don’t want you to worry about a thing, okay? I’m fine.”

“I know enough to handle it myself.” You assured him, hand strongly gripping the rests besides you. “And it seems as though the rest of you as of late is losing too much sleep over the matter. I’m quite capable, Seonghwa.”

He chuckles at that running his frail long fingers through his midnight colored hair. “Enough of that. How was Aurora? I’m sure Mingi treated you well.”

“He is a force to be reckoned with that King Song.” You smile at the thought of Mingi forgetting Seonghwa’s lack of trust in you. “But I’m more surprised at King San’s commodity. Im afraid you’re right. He is kinder than meets the eye.”

“Oh?” He laughs in shocked amusement. “Is that so? When you left Serene you were no more than disapproving of keeping the man company.”

“I can see why you hold him in such a regard. I didn’t realize how out of touch he was with everybody else. As if he’s fragile and a little bit afraid. Like a child? He’s lost and though he looks capable.. I’m not sure his mental state is.”

“San was anything but the ordinary when we were young and still the same today.”

“Still annoying, a pain in my side, yes.” Feeling defeated, you sigh. “But I find him very honest when it comes to being around me.”

You think of his smile. The one time you ever saw it.

“And what’s this I hear of a coronation ball? My men can’t stop running their mouths if whether or not it’ll be open to our Kingdom’s clergy.”

You raise an eyebrow at Seonghwa’s curiosity. “It was Yeosang’s idea to bring forth the date. They think the sooner the celebration, though in midst of my father’s wake, would rile up high contenders for a husband.”

“I don’t. In fact, your coronation was to be in 60 days. No more no less of that. We had an agreement.” He seemed firm on that making you sink back in your chair. “Yeosang has no right to implement his opinions in your life. Neither the others. If it’s not Hongjoong, I forbid it.”

“And how about your’s, King Park?”

“I am your closest thing to a guardian.”

You narrow your sullen eyes. “Then you know I need a husband. You said so yourself.”

“Arranged with a man I see fit to wear a crown beside you.” Heated from the conversation, he clasps at his own arm rests. “Y/n, at your weakest, is not the time to find a suitor at random to take over a Kingdom’s reign. That being Elos— yours. Which is one of our strongest. You need a King.”

“There are many across our nations, Seonghwa!” You stood upon his stance. “What is wrong with choosing a prince of that sort. I see no difference when we all have the same anatomy.”

“I see what’s fit for you. And a prince in a far off land is too fanatical.”

Realizing in his nervous and abrupt defense, you knew now the reason why he didn’t want you searching on your own.

“You’ve already found me a suitor, haven’t you?”

A moment of silence rages upon the both of you and blasts your fury in red— the only color you see at the moment.

“I can’t believe you.” You take it upon yourself due justice to gather your belongings and quickly flee the room, Seonghwa following quite hastily.

“Mingi is a fine suitor and you know it.”

Your eyes widened in horror and you whip around to slap him across his beautiful face. Though his astounding reaction gave you more ill will.

“Mingi is also my friend and a king of a beloved kingdom.” He snaps his eyes, glaring appalled by your sinister action clearly not fit for a queen. “If I had known you wanted me to marry King Song I wouldn’t have agreed to making a trip to Aurora. King San included— how could you punish him for nothing at all?”

He huffs in utter shock. “You’re defending him?”

“I’m defending myself.”

“Must I remind you, his innocence regarding your father’s passing is still in question. Don’t forget that.”

“For the topic at hand, that matter doesn’t seem too important to me right now.” You hiss back, mind blurred over anger and disgust.

“Y/n, you need to marry a man who will benefit your kingdom and serve you the right of a loving husband. Where does Mingi lack?”

“In my loving judgement.” You snap. “I love him as a friend and nothing more and so with the rest of you. I will find a husband I seek worthy and I want you to be at my side to support me on that. Do I make myself clear, King Park or do I need to elaborate once more?”

His throat bobs and he swallows down the anger with a twitching glare. You relieve a heavy breath, jaw clenched and so with your fists.

“If Mingi desires my hand in marriage, he will earn it. Just like anybody else would.” You let down your furious tension and look to him pleadingly. “Please forgive me, Seonghwa but I want you to be by my side for it all. Despite your monarchic views.”

“He knows nothing.” He presses his lips firm and reaches for your hands. “Don’t meddle him about wanting to marry you. He’s only confided his feelings with me. There was no arrangement otherwise, alright?”

“I know you care about me. All of you. But let me live my own life as well.”

He lovingly sighs leaning down to gently kiss you on the cheek, his lips hovering over your ear.

“I can only do of what I’m capable.”

“Queen y/n~ your dates have arrived for the evening.”

You turn around in midst of being measured for a coronation gown, two familiar looking brothers walk into your bedroom. They beamed with loving eyes before charging at you like red eyed bulls.

“YUNHO! WOOYOUNG! PUT ME DOWN!”

These two will be the death of you.

When you came face to face with the different faces of the Jung’s, you panned in abstinent glee. Yunho flicks at your hair, Wooyoung holding his thumbs and index’s up in a form a square with you inside of it.

You roll your eyes and cocked a hand at your hip. “What are the both of you doing here?”

“Well since you were so adamant about pushing the date for your coronation ball, Seonghwa requested us to ready you ourselves. That includes dress picking.”

You scoff in annoyed displeasure. “An ‘I miss you’ would’ve sufficed.”

“Personally, I miss you. My brother doesn’t speak for me.” Wooyoung came from behind you in the mirror and held his hands to your bare shoulders. “But you really don’t have to appease to the things Yeosang suggests.”

You look at yourself in the mirror before glancing at the two kings behind you.

“The one thing I could do for my father is serve his place. And letting a husband of mine enforce new ideals to my kingdom scares me.” You turn around to face the more practical one of the two. “Maybe Seonghwa was right. Maybe I will make a weak ruler. But I sure as hell am gonna try to make my kingdom trust me enough to get better at it.”

“Are you entirely sure being crowned in front of the other kingdoms’ clergy would serve a better outcome for you?” Yunho was concerned. Sat up feeling uncertain for your well being. “Your safety could be compromised, y/n.”

“My safety’s been compromised as soon as my father died.” Your eyes are icy when glanced in between the duo.

Yunho, the idealist of the two only smiles in attempt to assure you.

“Now are you guys really here for my opinion or are you here because Seonghwa sent you?”

Wooyoung chuckles at that. “Always an observant, Queen y/n.”

“Seonghwa sent us to verify your invitations.”

“For heavens sake–“

“Y/n it’s our duty to ensure your safety, ours and your kingdom’s as well, is it not?”

You exasperatedly huff shaking your trembling hands in fury. “Yes but that doesn’t mean meddling in my affairs. This is my Kingdom and I will do what I please.”

The boys press their lips together almost in obedience. You understand they mean well and know they have no intentions of hurting your feelings but it’s still something you didn’t want. You didn’t like that your life was being chosen for you, dictated for you. And you admit, running a Kingdom alone was difficult but you knew you also didn’t need their help when finding a husband for it. This coronation somehow becoming more of a crowning rather a search for your King.

“Boys, I know you love me to death and you’d sacrifice even your lives to protect me but know that I am well fit to run my own life if not the Kingdom’s, yes?” You stand across them putting your arms over your chest. “If Seonghwa pleases, I’ll talk to any kingsman he throws at me. But if I do fail at choosing a right suitor then I promise I’ll take the hand of the man you all please for me. For the sake of the kingdom.”

“We’re only concerned for you, y/n.”

“Then you can concerned over choosing my dress for the occasion.” You run your hands over your silk robe. “That’s something I can’t seem to decide on my own.”

Wooyoung who was momentarily uninterested by the subject at hand, shoots up from his seat with puppy dog eyes. “Really? Really?”

“Yes, Wooyoung. Really.”

“Good. Finally something you’re willing to let us choose.”

p.s rough edit

@atinybitofau

a/n: we seeing some major san x reader content soon. I’m excited lmao

[lady-of-lies]

His forever

A/N: today’s fic is very bad indeed... I only had an hour to whip something up so I’m sorry...

Prompt: “He thinks he’s a mind reader.” “He’s a bad kisser.” “That wasn’t very subtle.” “And that’s how you ruin a life. Congratulations.”

Word count: 625

Warnings: Some insults (if that counts) and bad writing

Peter Parker x reader

And that’s how you ruin a life. Congratulations. You’d said. He’s a bad kisser. You said. You shouldn’t even be with that asshole, not if he had anything to say about it. You should be with him, you were his forever, you just didn’t know that. Yet. For someone who’s so smart you really weren’t all that intuitive. He had had to watch you from afar, arms tangled together with that idiot of a senior. He didn’t deserve you, Peter didn’t deserve to put aside, stuck in being your second priority and you certainly didn’t deserve to be treated like that.

Peter had seen your ups and downs for as long as he could remember, but when “the love of your life” came along, all you seemed to have were downs. He knew your mind like the back of his hand and could predict your every move before you even lifted a finger. Peter and you were like one. Always together, always in sync, and always on the same page. By now He thinks he’s a mind reader, but only when it comes to you.

You. Y/N Y/L/N. His best friend since childhood and the person that he had fallen so deeply and utterly in love with that all his thoughts consisted of you. He pictured you in his mind all the time. Sometimes he went back in time and relived some of his most cherished memories of you two together, other times he let his mind wander freely and fantazided new scenarios that he wanted to have as memories but were too shy to make reality.

He had made his hatred for your new boyfriend known from the very beginning, but last night you had snapped. You rarely snapped. And it was even rarer for said snapping to be directed at him. He supposed he had asked you one too many times if you were really happy and what you could ever see in that dream hunk of yours and you had yelled at him in return. You had said so many things in so little time that his brain were still trying to process them all. 

If Peter had been a normal boy he may just have let you be after that, but he isn’t a normal boy. He is Peter Parker and a kinder soul will be very hard to find. Peter had gone home to his apartment that he shared with his aunt and gotten his camping equipment, he was sure that it had not been used in this decade, but it should still do the trick.

Now. his way of showing you that he was sorry, that wasn’t very subtle. He slept right under your window all night hoping that you would ever be able to forgive him for what he’d done. You’d been friends for so long… He couldn’t lose you. There were very few people that Peter considered important enough to equal his very life's essence, if any of said people were to ever disappear he wasn’t sure what he would do…

However, he didn’t need to wait for long. Around midnight you had come “knocking” on the tent door. You didn’t say a word, but you didn’t have to. Peter just opened his arms to you as you made yourself comfortable in his fathom. The moment that you murmured a sleepy “I love you” were the moment that he knew for sure that you two would always be together. Maybe as friends, maybe as something more, who knows? Only the future can tell.

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[vanaera]

Petals in Envelopes

25. Things you said in writing

Synopsis | Misunderstandings happen when Jungkook expresses himself aloud so instead, he opts for writing, the medium that you know best, even if he has to hide under a different identity. (Or this is where you start to receive love letters from The Little Prince).

Genre | Tooth-aching flufffff I'm not even joking, oh and an attempt to humor because I’m suffering and I wanna laugh

Wordcount | 3,333 (I did not intend this but WOW)

Read more of football!jk drabbles in The Prince and His Rose

           If Jungkook would compare his locker to yours, there is always one single thing that sticks out like a sore thumb and it has always been there since kinder – the obnoxious, cheesy, overrated, sickening love letters.

           When you were in kinder, you always asked yourself how does your bestfriend always receives letters any time of the day when he’s always been nothing but an annoying “buttface.” Jungkook would watch you pout at the emptiness of your locker just to have the chance to poke your side and tell you to stop frowning because your ugliness will only drive more boys away. Of course you’re not one to be challenged so you chased him away with a shoe in your hand that almost whacked him out when you threw it his way. To sum up that fateful event, Jungkook realized the locker topic is not one to be brought up ever again. Anyway, that day didn’t stop you from mulling the thought over and over again. The frequency of the arrival of pink letters only increased as you two grew up to the point that Jungkook’s locker in high school is always expected to burst with the annoying pinkness every Valentine’s Day. Even when you reached college, the letters still came, though it wasn’t as intense as the previous years, but nevertheless, they are still there.

           You’re not jealous–okay when you were a chaotic five year old, of course you are–because it’s nice that your bestfriend gets some admiration here and there that unfortunately just makes his ego, that is already larger than his head, only grow. What only frustrates you is–why the hell does everyone seem to admire him and not you?! You’re much attractive than your dumbface of a bestfriend!

           “It’s because the Jeon Effect is irresistable!” Jungkook declares which only earned him a playful slap on the shoulder. He decides he’ll forgive you for that as consequence for always messing up your hair when you meet.

           In his defense, Jungkook admits that he’s really irresistible. What great ego he has, right? But anyway, most of the reason why there are zero letters in your locker centers around him and him only and yep, you’re not supposed to know that because you’re gonna beat him up when you finally learned the truth.

           You see, Jeon Jungkook always has a problem when it comes to you.

          You always had this effect that makes people gravitate around you and as his bestfriend, he doesn’t want to feel left out. It’s selfish he knows but what can you do when you’re five and another guy or girl kept hogging your attention to tell them stories, leaving him less time with you than the usual? Shouldn’t he be given more attention and more exposure to your storytelling as privilege of being your bestfriend? The answer is “yes, he should be” and he kept that mentality through high school and now, in college. He always drives off the boys that just so much attempt to slip in the damned pink envelope in the crevice of your locker and he keeps you away from those who are adamant to have you for themselves. He knows it sounds kinda paranoid but for him, it’s his form of his expression of affection, and well protection as evidenced by the Lee Taeyong Incident that will not be brought up now. Some other day will do, okay, just not now. He wants to indulge in the fluffiness of his stupidity for today.

           Anyway, Jungkook’s expression of affection, as introduced above, is quite peculiar. Soft sentiments are a luxury Jungkook can't easily afford for everybody, except for his family, close friends, and yeah, especially you. In a sidenote, that practically sounds like everyone but Jungkook swears it isn’t. Going back, Jungkook’s expressions of endearment for his family and friends ranges from bear hugs, bro hugs, fist bumps, and sometimes playful whacking of necks but when it comes to you, he doesn’t know why the hell he seems to be a new person. For Jungkook doesn’t spew intended mean comments at anyone but everytime he opens his mouth in front of you, Jungkook's supposed-to-be compliments turns to insults or…unusual nonsense he cannot even understand. And most of these instances involve his admiration for the little things in you.

           Your usual petty arguments most of the time revolves around his fondness for your (a bit) small, terribly cute height. He loves how your height contrasts against his in an endearing way that makes him look–actually he is someone you can (literally and figuratively) look up to and depend on. He loves how your head falls against his shoulders when you sit side by side in a perfect puzzle fit that makes him feel he's the only piece out there that can complement you. He just loves you and your height, okay.

           And all he could muster to say almost everyday was, "Your short legs are cute."

           The smile on your face when you met him falls into a frown. "Great way to say 'Good morning, Y/N', Jeon. I already know my legs are short, you don't have to inform me again and again."

           "But- But I said they're cute!" Jungkook tries to explain but you already walked far from him and towards your first class.

           "It's a compensation for your remark!"

           After agonizing over the fact he hadn’t received his morning hug from his bestfriend, he has to endure seeing you ignore him for a half a day for unknowingly ruining your morning, which to be honest, always starts out unfortunate. Anyway, after a class and two, you happily bounced to him and demanded him to treat you as an apology. It's always your go-to tactic when he upset you since you're in kinder – the feet apart, hands on your waist pose, a.k.a. the power stance, and the "you have to treat me as your 'sorry'" is all too familiar. He’s never run so fast in his life just to buy you that carbonara in Mark’s that you always crave. And oh, he also buys you a rose from the nearby flower shop. The color of his face competes the redness of the pimple that erupted like a volcano on the corner of his hairline, which he sure as hell covered with his fringe to keep it away from your sight that may or may not weaken the Jeon Effect, when he gave the flower to you. It wasn’t the first time he gave you a flower but the effect of the first time still remains. The songs in his chest goes on and on through day and night and they only increased in tempo when he finds out the next day that you already pressed the petals of the flower in your notebook, the one filled with your poems and proses, so as to keep the rose permanent.

           “So as to remind you that would be the last time you will insult my legs!” you huff.

           Well, Jungkook can’t promise he would actually stop. He loves your height too much.

           Aside from your height, another thing Jungkook finds very, very weakening to his heart is your utter clumsiness. Your entrance in rooms or anywhere when he meets you is punctuated with you tripping on your own foot, or a tornado of papers falling from your clutches, and if not papers, then books or the tray from the cafeteria which is very much more alarming. No wonder everytime he sees you, he feels his heart shaking - from anticipation or worry, he doesn't know. He just muddles it up together as fondness for you, his small, chaotic bean. And he wants to be the reason why you will blush or why your heart will skip a beat but the circumstances just has to topple over the proportion.

           One day when it's your turn to bring the tray containing your foods to your table, Jungkook speaks out his mind. "I don't know why I always have to watch for my heart when I'm with you."

           You face him, brows almost bunched together. "Why? Am I bad enough to cause you heart attacks now?"

           Yeah, heart attacks from your cuteness. "No but you will because you're gonna trip on yourself-" and you do. Luckily, Jungkook has his hand on your arm and the other on your tray before anything spills or gets wasted on the grimy floor. The momentum has your back pressed close to his chest, too close for his heart. Your natural scent fills his senses and Jungkook thinks he may die too early for his age. You were supposed to feel the overwhelming cardiovascular palpitations from this very cliché romantic move in movies, not him-Oh my fucking god, she will hear my fucking heartbeat-

           "Thanks, Kook,” you said as Jungkook helps you regain your balance, hands on your shoulders to keep you steady.

           Jungkook breathes out, "You're welcome" and composes himself. The beating of his heart has still not stabilized so he immediately does his go-to mechanism: be the cool dude. Jungkook wills himself to try the eyecandy move and smirks. "I hate to say I told you so but I will still do so. You should just leave the tray business to me."

           You glanced at him, placing your tray on the table. His effort – The Smirk™ unnoticed. "But I don't want to look like I can't do this simple stuff without you.

           Jungkook decides to rest his case. The Jeon Effect is not working so he’ll go back to his usual self. Settling on his seat, he tells you, "I know you can. I just insist because I want to. Otherwise I would just leave it to you - like our pair project that I'm too lazy to do."

           Your forehead furrows in worry. "Hey, you're not going do that are you? Don't you-"

           Jungkook laughs. Of course he can't let you do a two-people-project on your own like the past people who did just because "you're a writer, you can do this stuff easily." Anyway, he just shrugs, a smug smirk on his face that irritates the hell out of you. "I'll think about it."

           "HEY!"

           Ah, you're just too cute for his poor heart.

           And there's a whole lot of things that he loves about you, like your fascination for fashion, how your eyes sparkle - really sparkle when you talk about writing, how you hold up yourself to everyone and be intimidating like the badass that you are. Honestly, you possess million things he adores to every bit and Jungkook thinks he has to spend a lifetime to tell everything about you that he loves and learned to love.

           Going back to his main dilemma: So far, everything is good - pining for you, impressing you, earning attractive points when he attempts to be "eyecandy" again, except for one (excluding the unforeseen obstacles like Kim Jongin sneaking behind his back to get to you because that is a separate problem Jungkook will have to deal with in another day). Yes, he's courting you, but he can't make you feel like he's actually doing so because, quoted from his friends, "his mouth always has to fail him." And this could be illustrated in numerous instances.

            Your have such a nice smile. "You have nice teeth.”

           You give him an incredulous look. "Thanks?”

            You styled your hair so pretty today, I wanna touch it. "Nice hair! Lemme touch," Jungkook pats the curls you did and you swat his hands in annoyance.

           "Jungkook, stop messing my hair!"

            You really look good today, ethereally good everyday. "Wow! You look nice today!"

           "Just today?"

           Jungkook scrunches his nose. Why are you asking? You do look good today. "Yeah."

           You only scowled at him. "I hate you."

             "Why can't you just say nice words to her that will make her heart go doki doki?" Taehyung asked one Friday during their practice.

           "I've said nice words!" Jungkook pants in between intakes of air, still breathless from their play. "And okay, I'll appreciate your attempt for kawaii eventhough you're being far from cute."

           "Hey!" Taehyung claps his back and Jungkook snorts. "As I was saying," Taehyung hands Jungkook a water bottle, "You've always been romantic. You're even clingy to us!"

           "I am not! I-"

           "Then what do you call that day when you thought Namjoon was going to accept the overseas scholarship, and you bawled your eyes out like your parents are putting you up for adoption."

           "That's -"

           "Or that day when Yoongi went out to get lamb skewers alone and you practically hogged him when he went back to our hangout place and you're like,” Taehyung makes crying poses, “'never leave me alone again, hyung.'”

           Jungkook runs his hand over his face. "Oh my god, that was only one time!"

           "Anyway, that's not the point," Taehyung looks at him, serious now. "You always fuss when Y/N is not by your side, act like the drama queen that you are, or tell us countless of times how 'Y/N is so amazing,' 'Y/N is so hot'-"

           "I'm not like that!"

           "Same context, though, Jeon," Taehyung giggles before finally drinking his water. After wiping his lips, he continues on. "Why be affectionate behind her back and act like a dumb, annoying jerk when she's in front of you?"

           Jungkook freezes. "I act like- like a jerk in front of her?"

           "A dumb jerk," Taehyung emphasizes, "You're not rude okay. You just say dumb things that make you look like a jerk."

           "I don't get you."

           "Don't worry, I also don't get myself." Jungkook scrunches his face at this and Taehyung breaks into a fit of giggles. "Jokes aside, you're being a jerk because you make mindless comments that make her feel bad or confused."

           Jungkook looks down, biting his lip. It's true though. His attempts of romance only make you frustrated or bewildered. Not once has he made you blush. Not once has the Jeon Effect been actually effective on you. You only laugh at his silliness but it's not something he can regard as his special effect on you when you easily just laugh...at everything. You already break out into snickers just by the sight of his face.

           Jungkook sighs and shakes his head. "Honestly, I don't know what to do, hyung. You said that I should try to compliment her smile and I did. I noticed the details she put on her hair and I said them aloud. I complimented how she looks that day and I really worked on the courage to say it. But everything always has to go down the drain. I can't voice them out the way I want them to be and I feel bad I'm making her feel like this."

           "Of course she'll react that way. It's not everyday that someone repeatedly informs you your legs are short or that your teeth is nice." Jungkook's glare makes Taehyung chuckle and finally think of something sensible to say. "For the record, I'll give you full points for determination and effort.” Taehyung pauses, enjoying the sight of a very lost Jungkook. And then a light bulb suddenly goes off in his mind and Taehyung’s smile widen. “If you can't voice out your feelings, have you ever thought of an alternate medium? Do you really need to say them aloud?”

           That's when a similar light bulb goes off in Jungkook's head. "Oh man holy shit, hyung."

           Taehyung smirks and drinks from his bottle, his other hand reaching for a fist bump to which Jungkook reciprocated, smiling. "How come I've never thought of that?"

           “It’s because you’re dumb.”

           “I hate you. Okay, I’m not gonna hit you as a sign of gratitude for the one sensible idea you have ever given to me.”

             Jungkook has thought of a perfect plan and approximately just two days later ("That fast?" "Yes, hyung, that fast. It's the Jeon Effect."), he sees his plan come into reality the moment you open your locker.

           "Eh, what is this?" you grab the lone pink envelope laying flat on top of your books. You don't remember having any stationary that matched the pink paper and the small golden? (It’s yellow with glitters so it’s golden according to Jungkook) crown drawn on the bottom left. How did it end up here? Quickly, you turned around and flashed the strange object to your bestfriend."Jungkook, look what I found."

             Jungkook's eyes widen, his lips splitting into a grin. "Oh my god,Y/N, you got a love letter! For the first time in forever!"

             "Love letter?" You frown.

             "Of course, Y/N! It's pink and it's in your locker, of course it's a love letter!" You look at him funny before deciding that yeah, maybe, this is a love letter. Jungkook received tons of them in high school, and actually until now, and given with his experience, maybe he's right. But you still won't know until you see it. Excitement bubbling in your chest, you set down your bag on the floor and hurriedly took off the heart-shaped pink tape that secured the flap of the envelope.

      "Wow, finally someone started to get attracted to you! It's about time you start considering not to become an eternal maiden, Y/N!" You could hear Jungkook tease you behind your back but your mind was too focused on opening this hell of an envelope. The moment you finally opened it, a small piece of a vintage-looking stationary paper is folded inside and your hand carefully pulled it out. You spread it open, your eyes drinking in every detail like a map that would lead you to a hidden treasure. The margins of the paper contain seemingly hand-drawn planets and one single rose, but apart from the wonderful illustrations your eyes cannot tear itself away from the handwritten letters penned as if to make it an entire art itself.

 " Dear princess,

I know you may be wondering who I am but for the mean time, let me just be the prince who loves you from afar. Sorry this might have come too sudden, but please let me admire you from a distance until the day I finally have courage to reveal myself. This is in no way how princes write letters so to compensate for my lacking skills, I will try to be more romantic:

The roses will be in a losing battle trying to rival your beauty and comparing you to an ephemeral entity seems pointless when I could spend the rest of my days dreaming about an eternity with you. Nevertheless, I just wish for you to know how wonderfully beautiful you are in every possible way.

 This may be cringey but I hope I made your day a little bit better.

 Your admirer from a faraway land,

The Little Prince."

            "So, what did it say?" Jungkook asks, grinning at the way you seem to not hear a word he's saying, too focused on the love letter, too focused on his words. The sight of your blooming grin makes the birds in his chest flutter. He's finally done it right! The Jeon Effect is working -though not directly – it’s fucking working and that's all enough to appease his poor love-sick heart.

           The glow you suddenly had makes Jungkook weak in the knees and when you finally tore your eyes away from the letter, Jungkook knows he's done for.

           "Oh man holy shit! Jungkook I finally have an admirer!"

           Jungkook smiles, leaning on your locker to watch you do a little twirl and giggle, letter clutched by small hands, pressed close to your chest.

           I'll always be your admirer and it will only be about time until I have the courage to finally say it right.

 Y/N, you're pretty. "Y/N, you look hot."

"What the fuck, Jungkook?"

"Sorry, I–my brain is malfunctioning."

"O...kay?"

"Damn it, why can't I say it right?"

"What do you mean?"

"U-uh- nothing."

"...Are you sure you're okay?"

I actually don't know. "Yes!"

 A/N | Hi anon, I hope you enjoy this! I was already writing this when your request came and the coincidence is amazing!

On a sidenote, I’m editing through the fics I made for the requests so be prepared for the onslaught of my replies and keep sending me requests for Things you said and Songs to Read Playlist!

And also, talk to me, hons! Hit me up with a message! That would be greatly appreciated! :D I hope you have a great day/night and thank you for all the love you have showered me :*)

 All Rights Reserved © Vanaera. No reposts, modifications, and translations of content are allowed without direct permission.

[unapologeticallybella]

I Don’t Look Like J-Lo but Someone is Gonna Love Me Anyway

TW: Body Dysmorphia/ E.D   

   I’m going to go ahead and say, I am so happy I am not a notably attractive person. I’m not saying I’m ugly in the slightest but you know what I’m talking about. Those people where their attractiveness is one of their defining traits. Like you mention their name and almost always someone responds with, “Oh, the pretty one.” Yeah that’s not my story and that probably won’t ever be me. What I’ve noticed about those kinds of people is that almost always their personality suffers in some way shape or form. I’m not saying notably pretty people can’t have a good personality but basically yes, it’s rare. So when you don’t get to lean into your beauty, you tend to lean on other things like humor, kindness, intelligence; Oh, did I mention humor? One of my earliest memories is being around six years old, waking up in the middle of the night in a god damn panic. I ran to my mom hysterically crying. I said, “I don’t wanna be ugly.” I couldn’t really tell you what she said because I genuinely don’t remember. Obviously it didn’t make me feel better because here we are sixteen years later and I still wake up with that panic from time to time, only now I just don’t wake anyone up to hear me cry about it (that sounds a lot darker than I intended for it to.) Anyway, what I’m saying here is that I’ve always struggled with the way I look. 

   We all have that voice in our head that tells us we look like shit, that we shouldn’t post certain pictures, and that everyone else sees what we see; I swear sometimes I’d just rather stay home. I know everyone looks back at their old pictures and thinks “Wow, why was I so insecure, I looked fucking amazing.” It’s a pretty common thing, I know. For some of us that voice inside our head is a bit louder and a lot more persistent, mine was very cruel and eventually it just kind of took me over. I’ve never really talked about what I dealt with because I did it so privately; partly out of guilt because I knew I was harming myself and secondly because it was something for me to control and I didn’t want to lose that. I think I was eleven when someone else commented on my weight for the first time, I was 115 pounds. That’s when it started. I would go through these spells of not eating, restrictive diets, the obsessive calorie counting; no one noticed. This continued on and off for years, I love food so fucking much that it eventually turned into bingeing and then starving myself for the day, then bingeing again. Eventually I gained weight because my hunger would just build up, my cravings would just get stronger and I would lose every time; I’d binge. I would eat so fucking much. I could eat entire pizzas within 15 minutes, boxes of Oreos, bowls of cereal, tubs of ice cream, blocks of cheese; it’s absurd how fast I could eat it all. I was obsessed with diets, skinny detox teas, meal replacements were my favorite, and I loved watching my fitness pal tell me how much I could lose if I maintained the low calorie intake. My junior year, I tried making myself throw up for the first time. It was such an easy way to get rid of the guilt I felt for eating that much food, it helped me maintain the weight for a while. I really wasn’t under the impression that it was a problem because I wouldn’t do it often, only when I lost control and ate enough for me to feel fucking disgusting.

   You could say it might be emotional eating but what I’ve come to learn is that sadness absorbs my ability to feel hunger; it’s kinda great if you have a fucking problem like mine. My first breakup, I couldn’t eat solid foods for a few weeks; I genuinely only ate a cup of yogurt a day and Cheez-its when I felt like passing out. I lost weight immediately. It made me feel so powerful; I loved the feeling of hearing that I looked good. What’s crazy is that the power only lasts so long before that voice inside tells you still look like a troll. I look back at these pictures where I clearly look small and tiny but in that moment I promise you; I didn’t see that in the slightest, I couldn’t. My senior year, I got better for a while. I was the biggest I had ever been, and I felt like everyone could notice; I thought my curves looked weird and the way my body just held fat in the worst places made me want to die sometimes. I did crash diets on and off that year; I was extremely self conscious and hated the way I looked. I moved to New York, and I had started taking Ritalin (prescribed okay kids.)  Three weeks in, I forgot to eat for a little over two days. I genuinely did not feel hunger in my body. I was outside a hotel during fashion week, waiting for Kylie Jenner to show up when I had a full blown paranoid delusion. I called my mom thinking a bomb was going off. “Mom, I’m looking right at this cop and he looks fucking worried, Mom. Get me on a plane I need to come home right now. Something is happening, there are loud noises.” Then she tried to calm me down, she asked when the last time I ate was and when I tried to think back I was like, “Oh shit that bagel I had was literally two full days ago.” Yeah, so I stopped taking Ritalin, I think that would have been a dangerous combo for me.

   I struggle to call it an eating disorder because I never looked sick; it didn’t ruin my life; it didn’t hurt me (I don’t think) but I definitely wasn’t healthy. I think that was my turning point; I was tired of feeling weak all the time; I was tired of obsessing; I was so burnt out from all of it and I decided I wanted to stop it all completely. I eventually gained over sixty pounds over two years, it’s been a fucking nightmare let me tell you. Every day, I struggle with my body and what goes on inside my head. I tell myself awful things; I know that it’s not good, but it doesn’t really go away. I fight so hard to not fall down that path because I don’t want that for me; I don’t know how bad I could get and that scares me. I went out of my way for the past two years to prove to myself that I didn’t have a problem anymore by constantly treating myself with food. It’s like every time I ate a shit ton and I didn’t throw up was a success but then at the same time it wasn’t. Turns out that guilt manifests in different ways and it’ll find its way to you. I’ve gotten to the point where I know the weight gain is noticeable, I feel like people think the awful things I do; So I did the only thing I knew how, laugh it off. Humor baby! Self deprecation is my middle name, sweetie. 

   I know I joke a lot about the way I look and the weight I’ve gained, it’s all light-hearted, but it actually gets pretty dark in this neck of the woods. Body dysmorphia is a mean bitch; She didn’t even allow me to enjoy my skinny days, talk about a shitty time. I used to do this thing where I would wash my hands on the right side of the sink just to avoid being in front of a mirror; “I just don’t wanna ruin my day, ” I’d always say. Anyone who knows me knows I’ve always used the same 2 inch mirror when doing my makeup because “looking at my whole face all at once is overwhelming.” You did not want to be around me when I couldn’t find that mirror, now that was a full-blown panic attack. I’m trying to be kinder to myself, now that doesn’t mean I won’t still make self-deprecating jokes but I’m trying to unlearn that shit. I go through body positive phases where I force myself to look at myself and find things I like. I unfollow Instagram models sometimes but it doesn’t matter; pretty people are everywhere baby. Every day is a god damn battle with myself; I can look at in the mirror and say “Hey you look good today” out loud but that bitch inside my head is screaming “You look like Shrek dumbass.” Having a past where men weren’t all that nice to me; I have an inherent feeling that if I was prettier, a lot of the things that happened to me maybe wouldn’t have (Come to find out even the hottest people get cheated on too, sick world we live in.) You know I’ve spent so many years comparing myself to other women because of something some asshole did to make me feel insecure; I always fall short so I’m done doing that now. Sometimes I worry that even if I lose the weight or if I cosmetically change the things I don’t like, that voice still won’t go away. Then what? What if I’m never happy with myself regardless of the ways I can change my appearance, I mean there’s a pretty good chance that could happen. So I’ve decided that I need to find a way to fall in love with myself the way I am right now. 

   People always preach “love yourself” and all that shit, but it’s so hard when it’s just you alone with your thoughts. Feeling love for yourself is arguably one of the most difficult things you’ll ever learn to do, it takes a kind of strength I’m trying to find. I will say, I do think the way I feel about myself has projected itself onto my relationships and in-turn sabotaged them. I have always required a certain amount of reassurance and affection from my partners which I’m sure can be draining but I forgive myself for that now. I have so much love for others that it just pours out of me uncontrollably and somehow I can’t find a way to feel that love for myself; it’s quite the problem to hauve. I’m learning to protect myself from that voice inside of me; I avoid things that I know will trigger me and cause me to spiral. I’ve been trying to lose the weight I gained these past two years, but for the first time I’m addressing the inner work. I acknowledge my weaknesses, I know my vices, I know myself better than ever now and that makes all the difference. Last December I forced myself to pick a form of exercise and like it, so I picked cycling. The first time I took a class, I actually catapulted out of the bike. I felt like the biggest idiot, but I tricked myself into enjoying the class. I just told myself that I would feel like one of those people who thinks spin is equivalent to a morning cup of coffee and eventually that’s how I genuinely felt.  Now it’s been almost a year since I made that choice and I’m so happy I forced myself out of bed. After the breakup, my mom really wanted me to start yoga to “soothe my anxiety” and it did surprisingly. It’s amazing what you can do for your body by just taking time to just sit there in silence and think about nothing. Sometimes when it’s that quiet, feelings come up and before you know it you’re on the beach on a yoga mat crying in the arms of your yoga instructor. These past six months, I have healed things inside of myself that I genuinely didn’t know where there. It’s been a mixture of therapy, cycling, yoga, listening to my body, forgiving myself, forgiving others and learning to love the parts of me that I don’t (oh and just not eating Chick-fil-a so fucking much.) This picture is me in my favorite pair of jeans, I bought them almost exactly a year ago and when I bought them they were snug and now this is what I’m working with. Is it sad that my favorite pair of jeans don’t fit me anymore? Hell yeah but I can finally say I can feel and see a difference in my body now. 

   So no, I probably won’t ever look like J-Lo and that’s okay. I’m probably always going to struggle with these issues and I will probably have that voice inside of me forever. But someone is gonna look at me and feel so fucking lucky; and it won’t just be because of the way I look. It’s going to be because of the way I make them laugh and the way love just pours out of me uncontrollably. Most importantly, when that love pours, it will be for me too. 

[farharbour]

good night everyone, i hope that you all were able to have a good day today and that you’re doing well right now. it’s okay, though, if today didn’t go your way or if you just felt weak or sad. please don’t beat yourself up over the things that went wrong today. not every day is going to be perfect, and we all make mistakes and find ourselves in a bad place every now and then. it’s going to be okay. try now to forgive yourself and to let things go that you might still be holding onto, and remember that tomorrow is almost here and you can always try again in the morning.

tonight, remember that it’s okay to be proud of the little things, and nothing you do is too small or insignificant to celebrate. maybe you drew something you really love today, or finally beat a really hard level in your favourite game. or maybe it was something else, maybe you struggled to get out of bed and take care of yourself, but you still did. whatever it was that you were able to do today is enough, and you should aways let yourself be happy about the little victories you have on a daily basis, because you’re really always doing something worth being proud of. even just getting through another day is an accomplishment, too. take the time now to remind yourself of that, and remind yourself that you are doing great and that even if you have bad days or go through hard times, that you will continue to do amazing things every single day.

i love you all so so so much and i want all of you to know tonight that just because things might be hard for you right now, that they will not always be this way. this feeling isn’t forever and you will get away from this place and from these thoughts and feelings one day soon. and remember that you never, ever deserve the hurt that you endure, ok? and you’re not a bad person, or a failure, or anything anyone might tell you. you deserve to heal from whatever is causing you so much pain, and you will always deserve to find comfort in your life and the people in it and to be loved and treated with compassion and kindness. each one of you is such a joy and a light in this world and in my life and i appreciate each one of you so deeply and i really do care about you, and if you need anything, ever, know i’ll always be here for you. take care of yourselves tonight and sleep well when you get there, and i hope that tomorrow is the start of kinder, easier days for you 💛♥️

[fweeble]

Episode 6: My Lost City

Buckle up, and more importantly, arm yourself with tissue boxes, we’re gonna need it.

Pfffft. Max, when will you ever learn the rest of the lines? (Not that I know them, either.)

*swoons into Mappa’s waiting arms* Gorgeous.

Oh, my heart, look at these cuties sleeping. Shorter, cover your tummy, you’ll get a tummy ache. Q vQ

*cries over how precious these two are* Bless this tiny extra scene.

*blows kisses at Mappa*

I LOVE THIS TINY ADDITION. OF COURSE IBE WOULD TAKE PICTURES. I WISH THEY HAD EIJI TAKING PICTURES TOO.

*swoons even more* Mappa, please, you’re killing me.

*cries some more* I have always loved how gentle Ash is with Jennifer.

Jimmy my dude, why’d ya gotta act like this???? >:T

WOW, this is so tame compared to the mango like. Woah.

This had hurt so much, because we know that Max is a father. He has a son, Michael, that he was trying to fight for custody for, but was convinced that giving up was what was best for his son. Imagine being a father who desperately misses their son, who wants to be in their son’s life, and watching another man treat his son like trash. MY HEART. MAX.

Oh god, Ash’s expression. It hurts so much more than it did before. Mappa, why you gotta do this to meeee. I have a soft, squishy little baby girl heart and it bleeds easily.

Totally my bad: They changed the order. JIMMY WHY YOU GOTTA BE LIKE THIS.

*dying hippo noises* IT STILL KILLS ME. FUCK.

*CRIES*

Jennifer is way too good for you, Jim.

*whispers* It’s so gorgeous.

Ash, please. 8′(

I wish Shorter didn’t have his sunglasses on. I want to see his face. Is he super-imposing Nadia onto Griff in this story. We don’t know anything about Shorter’s past. Did Nadia raise him? I HAVE FEELINGS.

Jennifer. Q AQ <3

*cries* I know. I agree with you entirely, Ash. Oof, I love how gentle he is with her. My heart. Look at that face. Let me pretend the one thing he missed about Cape Cod was Jennifer. Let me pretend she had more influence and was able to help Ash and Griff in little ways. Let me pretend Jennifer is stronger than she probably is. 

My heart.

Ash, why you always gotta be like this, twisting the knives in wounds and pouring salt all over them. It’s not like Max wants to see your painful past, it’s just that y’all need to suffer through it to get what you want --the truth about Banana Fish.

Thank you Mappa for adding this scene! I’m constantly so worried you’ll cut out all the light-hearted bits in exchange for pure drama. Q vQ

My heart. Eiji, your precious face. Q vQ

MAPPA STOP PLAYING WITH MY HEART LIKE A STRESS BALL. It grows two sizes at the sight of Eiji’s adorable face and then is crushed by Ash’s pained one. *clutches chest*

WOW YOU ARE SO RUDE MAPPA. SURE, JUST KEEP ADDING NEW PUNCHES TO THE HEART. NOT LIKE I NEED ONE. NOPE.

*whispers* My secret favorite thing is how close Shorter and Eiji have been. I have protective feelings about these two and Shorter has protective feelings for Eiji.

Sure is him. Is it just me or do they all have surprisingly long hair for military people.

Aaaaand Ash brings out a smart phone. Soogle...Soosle? This is... attempt... #5 for cells trying to save the day. (So far, they never have.)

*strangled noises*

Oh Ibe, you’re so soft with Eiji. You still have the mafia after you guys, you should be yoinking Eiji and heading for the nearest international airport. 

Also... y’all aren’t gonna discuss your Visa difficulties?

Trust me, Ash. They all do. Q vQ

Ash, please. Griff would be their age.

Oh gosh, look at their faces. ‘What exactly set him off this time?’ ‘I dunno. It’s like a horse suddenly raging. Maybe a fly flew into his ear.’

Shhhhh, he’s just young. And cranky.

*strangled sobbing*

Excuse me as I interrupt this weekly Nanner Fish Liveblog to cry about the scenery in the next few seconds of footage:

You are such a liar, Ash. You have very particular feelings towards your home.

*cries more at sleeping cuties*

Ash... this feels like such a waste? Someone spent a lot of time brewing that! Couldn’t you have filled empty ones with water??

*cries more at the sky* Clearly what is gonna make me die of dehydration this episode isn’t what I thought it was gonna be. It’s gonna be the backgrounds. 

Eiji... I know nothing about shooting but that looks super precarious. Your center of gravity looks... yeah. Ash looks so judgmental. Q vQ

Alright, Annie Oakley. You missed a shot too. 

Oh, Ibe. Subtly trying to get Eiji away. 

Not subtle enough, though.

*cries both over the words and the detail put into the sky and the sea*

I’ve always found this surprisingly profound, especially since my mother, a naturalized US citizen, has similar opinions about parents in Taiwan coddling their children. (Taiwan has the same age of majority as Japan, 20 years old.)

And Japan’s crime rate is also a lot lower. But Ash is right, Ibe, you aren’t in Japan and you have very dangerous people with very dangerous guns after you all.

Bless their attention to detail. Lookit the truck!

I love how they have Max fixing the truck! Instead of it getting magically fixed, we get a new tidbit about Max! I wonder if he learned this while serving.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeell...

When Max is the voice of reason, listen.

Yeeees! It’s finally here! Please forgive me as I spam gyazo and take a hundred pictures because I’ve been waiting for this!

*strangled dying manatee noises*

(Shorter, are you trying to steal Ash’s sandwich while you still have yours.)

(Look at that hand. You totally were, weren’t you. You glutton.)

(Oh, my tiny Grinch heart. Look at this smile. It just grew fifteen sizes.)

(*cries forever* Protecting Eiji is like preserving a vision of himself he could never attain. Putting Eiji on a pedestal and keeping him safe and clean and pure, because he wishes he was Eiji. Excuse me as I have painful flashbacks to Tsuki no Ko and Tirt’s love for Seth.)

BLESS THEM. MY HEART. THEY KEPT THESE LINES.

*sings softly* “I will whisper my name to you: Antonio Salieri: patron saint of mediocrities.”

So you’re keeping this bit but not the Visa part? At least Ibe is keeping some of his old manipulative tendencies when it comes to Eiji.

(”It’s the only way to keep that child safe.” Anyone’s Japanese better than mine who can confirm this is indeed Ibe continuing to view Eiji as a child that needs to be sheltered and not just a cultural barrier?)

And straight back into the coddling, right after the profound revelation.

Jimmy, please. 

Tear him a new one, Eiji!

My heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeart. These two lines. Leave to me to die in this small sea of salt and tears.

Something I will always miss is the loss of Eiji’s poor English. Q vQ

Oh boy, get your tissues ready. It’s here.

(Afghanistan is replacing Korea, huh.)

(*dying manatee noises* Someone, save this poor child.)

(FUCK THESE OFFICERS WITH A CIRCULAR SAW. HOW DARE THEY. TO A CHILD. AN ABUSED CHILD. FUCK THEM.)

(*CRIES*)

(Let me spirit him away to a kinder, gentler world. Like GSNK. Or Kimi to Boku where it’s just boys sorting out their feelings.)

(I WILL NEVER FUCKING UNDERSTAND YOUR THOUGHT PROCESS FOR THIS BUT AT LEAST IT FUCKING SAVED ASH. AT LEAST IT SAVED ASH.)

(HE WITHOUT A DOUBT DESERVED WORSE.)

(THIS SICK BASTARD. CMLKDSMFLDSF.)

(I also super hate the way it’s presented in the anime, so take this small manga panel:

LIKE YES, IT MAKES SENSE, WANTING TO PROTECT YOUR SON FROM THE VICIOUS WORDS PEOPLE SAY SO YOU’D SEND HIM TO HIS AUNT’S...

BUT THAT ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT EXPLAIN OR EXCUSE THE SHIT YOU SLING AT HIM NOW, JIM. MY DUDE, YOU HAVE ALREADY LOST ONE SON. TRY TO SAVE WHAT RELATIONSHIP YOU CAN HAVE WITH YOUR LAST ONE.

Shorter. Shorter. He didn’t want anyone to know. He didn’t want anyone to ever know.

*dying manatee noises* Eiji... *strangled noises about leopards and mountains*

Jennifer, you beautiful soul. Why are you with this mess.

No, you listen to Jennifer!

Fuck.

No, Shorter. This is where he’s from. New York is his home.

Yes, good. Thank god.

You’re searching for Ash in the dark. Please take off your shades, Shorter.

Or not.

Shorter, you’re wearing so much more than you were originally in the manga. Q vQ

Look at that. Gorgeous even in the dark. *blows kisses at Mappa*

Good instinct!

Baaaaaaaaaaaad instinct. So bad.

Eiji, no.

He’s got his back pressed against the wall.

Dammit.

Listen to Shorter, Eiji.

They sure fucking did.

It’s so awful that they somehow managed to make this situation even marginally better.

They had ripped off her top in the manga.

It’s entirely possible they did worse. She doesn’t even have her shoes on. D8

Fuck you. Leave Jennifer alone.

*sweats nervously but also blows kisses at Mappa because hnnng I love the way they deal with lighting, lookit the soft glow of the porch lights*

Max has a plan. I love it when Max has plans. Brilliance or hilarity ensues.

JIM’S FACE. Either he just realized his son still loves him or he’s fucking terrified that his son is now in immediate danger. (I think it’s both.)

Oh, Jennifer. You deserve none of this. None of it. Protect her.

Brilliance. That’s what happens today. Brilliance.

FUCKING LISTEN TO SHORTER EIJI.

THIS IS SO MUCH WORSE BECAUSE IN THE MANGA I THOUGHT SHE TRIED TO COVER HIM. BUT THAT ACTUALLY DOESN’T MAKE SENSE SINCE THESE ASSHOLES MAKE IT CLEAR THEY AREN’T TO KILL ASH.

THEY SHOT HER TO MAKE A FUCKING POINT.

JENNIFER.

ASH’S FACE. Nope, this is fine. I was born from water, let me return to the salty depths. 

THERE WAS NO ONE WORD YOU COULD’VE SAID THAT WOULD’VE MADE THIS FUCKING HURT MORE, ASH. *drowns in own tears of feelings*

Don’t fucking see why you’re smiling, asshole.

There, Shorter’s fixed it.

EIJI WHY ARE YOU HERE. SHORTER TOLD YOU TO STAY THERE.

*STRANGLED SOBBING*

YOU SHOULD’VE TREATED HER LIKE A GODDESS, JIM. YOUR LAST WORDS TO HER SHOULDN’T HAVE BEEN THOSE A GIANT TANTRUM THROWING CHILD’S.

Ash’s expressions are going to fucking murder me. 

Sir, why don’t you have a cell phone???? Why aren’t you questioning why none of these people haven’t called yet???? (Well, to be fair, this is a panic situation...)

*sobbing* A father’s love.

And a son’s.

MY HEART. *cries* Why couldn’t you have both talked like this from the beginning?????????????????? JIM, YOU GIANT BABY.

Excuse me. I just need to... cry. Lots.

ASH AND HIS FACE. TELL THE POLICE. THEY ARE THE CULPRITS. MY MURDER.

*whispers* You should’ve kept this line to help explain the robbery. And help fund them in LA.

*weeps*

FUCKING DINO.

SO GORGEOUS. I AM SO UPSET.

HALF-TRUTH. ALSO, PLOOOOOOT.

LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. NOOOOOOOOOOOO.

FUCKING NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

LEEEEEEEE. FUCK YOOOOOU.

Chinatowns are everywhere. |||orz

Fuuuuuuck. Yut Lung is here.

Shorter, please. Beggars can’t be choosers. (Or, those on the run from the Coriscan Mafia can’t whine when they at least have working transportation.)

*whispers softly to Mappa* Chicago, dearests, not Cicago.

Guess they’re cutting out one of the best scenes if this guy’s already here.

*blows kisses at Mappa* Gorgeous.

Still... where in LA are they supposed to be? I think that’s supposed to be downtown, but I don’t remember any forest-y areas around downtown. (Says someone who may live in LA county but rarely goes west towards downtown. Maybe there are. I tend to go east. :V)

The Great Shorter And Ash Chicken Raid. 

You will not be forgotten.

Oof. Stay hydrated, guys! I’m kinda emotionally drained, so I’m off now. |||orz

<<Episode 5                                     Masterlist                                     Episode 7>>

[softupshur]

The Lord Rejoices: Chapter 17

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Ao3 link if you’re into that kind of thing

~Updates every Sunday~

During Temple Gate’s founding years, Marta nears womanhood and wonders of God’s plan for her.

*This chapter goes out to my friend, @billy-hoepe! She knows exactly why.*

Chapter 17:

For the first time in weeks, Marta didn’t hear her name amidst whispers when she journeyed into town. Instead they spoke of Otis as they made their way to the chapel.

All dressed head to toe in black. Women dabbed tears from the corners of their eyes while the men shook their heads and muttered “what a shame” as they walked through the entranceway. They whispered curses towards Otis and blessings to each other.

Knoth matched their melancholy in his darkest and plainest robes. He stood beside a tiny coffin, not much larger than a newborn’s cradle. The fetus lay nestled in the cushions lining the wooden box.

On the other side, Otis sat on his knees, chained and gagged with a cloth. His head hung low to avoid the testament’s unwavering glares and muttered curses. Only occasionally he glanced up at Paige and Seth sitting in the front pew. If he stared too long, Knoth would shoot a glare that made him look back down.

Marta sat in one of the pews furthest back, near Otis’s parents. They whispered accusations at each other until Knoth asked that the congregation rise for the opening hymnal.

The people sang more quietly than usual, struggling through their tears. They muttered their amens as Knoth recited the opening rites until reaching the invocation.

“Our Loving, Eternal, Heavenly Father, as we meet this morning to grieve this fallen child, we ask You to be to us the God of all comfort, and the God of all grace. Give us perspective as we face the reality of death, to grow in our knowing of the truths of life. We ask this in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.”

“Amen.”

“Children…” Knoth’s voice lacked its usual booming quality. “There is no greater tragedy than one taken before their time. Especially when that life is one of our own. Today, we are gathered here so that we may see this child off to Paradise everlasting, where it may enter God’s embrace.”

One of the women in the crowd cried. Knoth stepped down to meet her. Though her husband sat beside her, Knoth took her hands. “But weep not for this child. For there is no grief in guaranteed entrance to Heaven. Our tears are shed out of our own loss and self-pity, but take comfort in knowing that this child shall know no pain. Let us exalt our Lord and His awesome mercy. May we all aspire to be welcomed into His kingdom as this little child, whose faith is most perfect.” He released the woman then and returned to the pulpit.

“I now ask that the mother come forward with a eulogy she has prepared.” He stepped aside for Paige to take her place before the congregation.

She cleared her throat before speaking. “I come before you today with a heavy heart.” A sob escaped her, though a black veil hid her face. “For I have been robbed a woman’s greatest honor. I entered marriage in the hopes of bearing my husband many fine children. That is what makes this all the harder to endure.” She seemed to fight back tears. “I weep for the child I should have born and seen grow among my people. Some nights I plead with God for understanding of why I must go through this trial, but I know I must trust in Him that all is according to His grand design. Now is the time that I must hold to my faith and carry on, as we all must, no matter how hard. I only ask that you keep me and my husband in your prayers during this difficult time.”

Murmurs erupted in the crowd as Paige took her seat.

Knoth, however, smiled as he spoke above them. “Now, children, she’s right. For none is so in need of prayer as the lamb led astray.” He placed a hand on Otis’s head, gripping a handful of hair when he tried to wriggle from his hold. “For the demon of envy has planted itself inside him and blackened his heart. Such is what drove him to commit the greatest sin of all in the night. That which is punishable by the pit!” He paused as the testament muttered in agreement. “But I believe he can be saved yet! For Satan has infected his soul, but if the demon can be purged...perhaps God’s light can reach him. For God turned none away who sought him, neither whore nor murderer nor rapist, and we must strive to be like Him! So pray for this wayward soul! May we prove through him that there is no opposition that cannot be overcome in the Lord’s good graces!”

As the crowd cheered, Knoth knelt down to speak on Otis’s level. “Your redemption begins now, my child. Lead us in prayer for this life you have stolen,” he said before he removed the cloth.

Rather than speak, Otis spat in Knoth’s face. He glared, even when Knoth went red.

When Knoth raised his hand to smack him, Seth cried out. He escaped Paige’s hold to run between them. He punched and kicked at Knoth, face red with fury. “Stop it! Otis din’t do nothin’!”

Knoth snatched one of Seth’s wrists to stop an incoming punch.

“Let go! That hurts!” Seth attempted to wring free, but Knoth tightened his hold.

When he didn’t let go, Seth bit down, Knoth threw him aside with enough force to send him reeling. He crashed into the pulpit with a loud thump as Knoth observed the beads of blood on his hand.

“Seth, that’s enough!” Otis snapped. “Sit back down!”

But Seth shot back up and ran towards Knoth. He ran as fast as he could with balled fists, but before he could strike again, strong arms scooped him up.

Upon looking up, Otis saw his own father glaring him down. Seth thrashed uselessly in his hold and his cries went unanswered.

“Dad, please…” Otis’s eyes watered.

But he shook his head as he walked off with Seth in tow.

Tears streamed down Otis’s cheeks as he watched his father’s back. Seth never stopped kicking and flailing.

“Now, now, there’s no need to cry.” Knoth came down to Otis’s level and wiped his tears with the ends of his sleeves. When Otis tried to look away, Knoth roughly grabbed his chin, though he maintained his kind tone. “Salvation is nothing to fear. I’m here to help if you would just let me. For there are times when God must chastise His children in order to correct them on the path of righteousness. The road may be trying, but the rewards shall be great. I only need you to accept my guiding hand and you shall know salvation.”

“Whatever you say,” Otis barely spoke above a whisper.

“Can you speak a little louder? I couldn’t hear you.”

Swallowing a lump in his throat, Otis replied, “Yes, Papa…”

“Good. Now, I ask again that you lead us in prayer for this life you’ve slain.”

Otis bowed his head. “Our Father who art in Heaven, I ask that you welcome this life into Your Kingdom. For it is returned to You pure and without sin. I only ask that You forgive me of my own. Amen.”

“Amen.”

When the service ended, most people departed, but Marta remained.

At first Marta pretended not to notice Paige, but she eventually came too close to avoid a greeting. “Good day, Paige.”

“Good day, Marta.” She had removed her veil, showing dry eyes. “May I have a word with you?”

“Certainly,” Marta replied, though her heart skipped a beat.

They went to an empty side yard. Paige spoke first. “You know this is wrong.”

“So is lying.”

“That doesn’t give Knoth the right to treat him like that!” Paige’s hands clenched into little fists.

“Then you should come forward with the truth. Nothing is stopping you and it shall set your conscience at ease.”

“But at what cost?” Paige challenged. “You and I both know I would suffer doubly at Knoth’s hands.”

Marta sighed heavily. “Nonetheless, Otis made his choice and must face the consequences.”

“Not like this.” Paige continued after a pause, “I don’t want to ask anything that would get you in trouble too. I only go to you because I know that you can help him better than I could.”

Marta shook her head. “I’m sorry, but it is out of my hands now.”

“No, it isn’t.” Paige’s jaw clenched. “How can you say that before you’ve even tried?”

“Because this is not my sin to answer for.”

“But you’re the reason he’s in there! The moment you told, you made yourself as much a part of this as us. Whether you like it or not, you’re responsible and you should do something about it. If you could just talk to Knoth, even if only to treat Otis a little kinder…”

“You speak as if I control the prophet’s thoughts.”

“Then forget the prophet!”

Marta gasped, covering her mouth. “Paige, that…”

“Think not on the prophet, but what God would ask of you, without Knoth’s words in your mind.”

“But the prophet’s word is His word.”

Paige was quiet for a long time before speaking. “Then why are you acting the role of Joseph’s brothers who sold him to slavery and deprivation for their human pettiness?”

Marta tensed, her shoulders hunched. “You forget that it was in deprivation that Joseph’s faith was most pure.” She stormed off before Paige could respond.

[365-betterdays]

febraury 01 4:35am

I woke up 12 hours ago. I purposely pulled an all-nighter, in hopes to fix my body clock. I'm doing it for real this time, I promise. I honestly think I should have a notebook alongside to track this shit; i'm tired of hoping that I'd finally stick to the routine.

I just need to make a habit of it.

Anyways, what are today's thoughts?

Erm. I honestly want to change my entire persona at home. Yep. I've been a bitch for the past 4 years, and I think, finally, that it needs some fixing. If I want peace, I need to start from within. Home.

Everything's lined up. School. Workouts. I've invested in a lot of things, but I know damn well that it won't really be worth it if I keep on bitching around people who actually do love me, no matter what. I need to start caring about people, things, other than just myself. I think it's time. I'm ready. I want to do better. Be kinder. I just know it starts with family. After that, I'll find my way through strangers, friends, and maybe even myself.

And it's not just today. I want to be consistent with it. That I'm better as a person, not on impulse. And because my heart and intentions are in the right place.

I feel like this is the key. I've had so much hatred inside me for them, that even if things have changed, I couldn't really bring myself to forgive them. I've always thought that I could've been raised better, but I know they didn't intentionally screw up with me back then.

I never really intended to be the way I am for the past couple of years. As a kid, I wanted to be the wonderchild. Smart. Kind. That's pretty much it, really. I got so caught up on bettering myself with the basic life necessities like good academics, finding my talents and passions in life, my wants and needs that I completely forgot. It's not really just about me. It's about them.

The day comes that I achieve success, is the day they'll finally be proud of me. I have been doing better, but I don't really feel so. I dread the feeling, like I wasn't enough, you know? It added to the pile of hatred I had for them, and other people. I started to really, I mean really, not care about people other than myself because I only had myself to "feel" enough.

But that's the problem. I only ever think about myself. I want to break that cycle.

I don't want to love them because of what they can or are doing for me. I want to love them, genuinely. I want to fall in love with family again. And the best thing about that? Is that I can literally start any day. They're not going anywhere anyways, they're stuck with me lol.

I want to lay-out specific, doable changes:

Choosing my words better. I really want to treat my ate like she's older than me and respect my younger siblings despite our age gaps. Maybe stop swearing so much, fix the tone. Speak in Tagalog more often, after all, I do sound more humble. Wait. I barely do. Hahahaha. Anyways, it's worth a try, right?

Acknowledge their efforts. When they give me something, simply say thank you. Complain less. When asked to come do something with them, go for it.

Accept my responsibilities. Keep my space clean. No is no. When asked to do something, do it. Even better, do it even before they start asking for it. I want to prove to them that I'm dependable, responsible, that I can be the respectful kind daughter they can be proud of.

Stop starting arguments. When having a bad day, don't really show it. Keep it to yourself. Say good morning, good night, give random hugs. Do favors. Do things just to simply make them happy. Treat with them with the respect they deserve. Avoid complaints. Do little things just to show that you care. Don't always be isolated.

I just hope they're aware that I love them. 'Cause I really do say it more often than I can show. I really do. I'm claiming this, 2022, let's go!

[tosin-talks]

Tosin Talks about forgiveness

I used to be really good at holding grudges, I could successfully pretend that you didn’t exist for a year if I tried hard enough. It’s no surprise that I was better at this when I was younger because of how immature that behavior was. When I say “immature”, I don’t mean it insultingly, I mean that my inability to forgive myself and others keeps me from growing. As I’m getting older, I’m learning that the person who cannot let go and keeps bearing pain is actually the hurt child that lives inside me. The young child yells, “I don’t like them, they were mean to me! They don’t get to come to my birthday party!” My inner child is obsessed with being in pain and refuses to let the hurt go. She holds onto that balloon of pain for dear life which actually takes more strength than releasing the balloon and blowing up a much nicer one. I end up spending more energy remembering to resent other people for hurting me than I do trying to heal from the hurt.

I think everyone deserves the opportunity to be forgiven. Without the opportunity to be forgiven and do better, those who have hurt us may feel like there’s no incentive to change and keep to their old ways. This starts with forgiving them within yourself, you can even stop there if it’s safer to do so. Forgiving them, especially without a good apology from them, takes a bit of empathy and perspective changing. Understand that they may not have the skills necessary to give a proper apology and that they may not have been taught/shown kinder ways to treat people which resulted in them hurting you. You have to stop holding in resentment towards them when they may not even be aware that they’ve hurt you. They may have forgotten and learned how to move on while you’re still doing the hard work of remembering for them. I’m not dismissing your pain or telling you to just get over it, I’m saying forgive them within yourself to make more room inside for healing and growing. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you have to maintain a relationship or contact with them either, it’s accepting what happened in the past and letting the pain go.

When I feel hesitancy with forgiving others, I think about all the forgiveness that I was fortunate enough to receive. I’ve done a great deal of hurting too, sometimes I don’t even realize I’m hurting others. And somehow, many have been able to see good in me and forgive me for the pain I caused them. An important concept to understand about wanting forgiveness from others is to let them give it to you. You’re only hurting them more and decreasing any possibility of forgiveness by expecting it and not allowing it to occur on their terms. When I’m aware that I’ve hurt someone and know what I did that hurt them, I try to give them space to process that pain, feel however they need to, and heal while I work on being a better person so as to not hurt others that way. Hurting someone feels like you took power from them so it is important to give them that power back by being respectful of the time they may need to forgive you and the fact that they may choose to not forgive you.

I especially think that everyone deserves the opportunity to forgive themselves. Similar to the way that those who hurt you may not have had the knowledge to treat people differently, you may not have had that knowledge to defend yourself or act differently. If you were hurt, forgive yourself for not having the capability to avoid those situations but also give yourself credit for doing the best you could at the time. Release that pain and learn more effective ways to protect your peace. If you hurt someone else, forgive yourself for not having the skills needed to avoid causing harm to others but also give yourself credit for becoming aware of the potentially harmful ways you treat people. Release that shame and learn better ways to communicate and interact with others. Remember that you wouldn’t be here today if not for the fact that you got through those moments using those once helpful coping skills back then, learned from your experiences, and are trying to gain mastery to ensure situations like that don’t occur again.

To the little girl that lives inside me,

You don’t have to hold on to that pain anymore, you can let go of that balloon. I’m here to protect you now. You were too young to defend yourself, you were too small to handle all of that on your own. Despite how little you were (mentally, emotionally and physically), you did a fantastic job, we wouldn’t have gotten here without your brilliance and courage. Those that hurt you were selfish and immature, they also didn’t know any better and didn’t have the skills necessary to treat you differently. Don’t hold that against them and don’t hold resentment inside you, let it go. That way of coping might have worked for you then but I’m here now with tons of new skills and knowledge to defend you. It’s okay to be open, it’s okay to let people get to know you, it’s okay to forgive.

[shawol9196]

Poly AU 4/?

“Nope. You and sweetpea are too in cahoots today. I could’ve let it slip if it had just been one of you but the combo of Derulo and Careless Whisper is just too much. You guys have ruined the mood too much.”

(Warning: rated S for smut)

Jinki and Kibum are already making out by the time Minho gets home. They had contemplated going ahead with going further and just giving Minho the option to come in late, but in the end they decided it was easier to wait for him to get home. With Kibum’s presentation and Jinki’s project finally finished and turned in, they all finally have an afternoon to literally fuck away. After a while, there’s a soft knock on their bedroom door.

“Am I allowed to join?”

“Yes, baby. Come on in.” Jinki says.

The door opens and Minho comes in.

“No music?” he asks, pulling his shirt off.

“We were waiting for you to get home, baby.” Kibum explains, moving off of Jinki’s lap.

“What should I put on?”

Kibum and Minho both look at Jinki who shrugs.

“I don’t know, put something fun on like ‘Talk Dirty to Me.’”

Minho nods and searches on his phone. After a moment he clicks a song and soon Jinki’s ears are flooded with a bad beat and saxophone instead of the guitar solo he was hoping for. By the look on Minho’s face, Jinki should’ve known it was coming and yet here he is, still surprised. He sighs and puts an arm out to keep Kibum from falling off the bed with laughter.

“Baby, you know damn well I meant the Poison song and not the Derulo song. And to think, I thought this relationship was built on mutual love and trust...” Jinki says.

He’s trying hard to be angry but Minho’s giggling is making it hard. He watches him struggle with his belt and after a moment reaches out and pulls him closer by his belt loops so he can do it himself.

“Kibum, can I trust you to pick a better soundtrack for this?” Jinki asks.

Kibum nods and Minho hands him his phone. Jinki’s able to fix Minho’s buckle and soon both the belt and his jeans are on the floor.

“Wait, why are you wearing my underwear, baby?” Jinki asks, surprised. Minho looks down at himself and then back at Jinki.

“And you two wonder why I keep my things in the other dresser.” Kibum mutters.

“They aren’t yours they’re mine.”

“No, I wear fruit of the loom and you wear hanes.”

“No, honey, I wear fruit of the loom. I’ve worn fruit of the loom my entire life. Besides, these are a medium and the hanes are a large.”

Just as Jinki goes to make a comment about how tight his underwear had seemed, he’s interrupted by the last saxophone solo he wanted to hear. Once again, Kibum almost falls off the bed while Minho falls onto it. Jinki sighs and crosses his arms. When they calm down and Minho goes to move closer to Jinki, he scoots away.

“Nope, I’m mad at you.”

“I’m sorry, honey, your face was just too funny to pass it up. Please? I’ll be good from now on.” Minho whines.

“Nope. You and sweetpea are too in cahoots today. I could’ve let it slip if it had just been one of you but the combo of Derulo and Careless Whisper is just too much. You guys have ruined the mood too much.”

“Fine then, suit yourself.” Minho declares before scooting over to Kibum. Once he’s completely on Kibum’s side of the bed, he reaches a hand down Kibum’s sweatpants. After he’s gotten comfortable laying on his stomach, he takes Kibum into his mouth, eyes on Jinki the whole time. By the way Kibum’s shaking and moaning, it’s easy to tell that Minho’s pulling out all the stops. Kibum’s head falls back and in amongst all of his praise for Minho and refrains of ‘oh my god Jinki you don’t know what you’re missing’ and eventual loss of the ability to make coherent sentences, Jinki starts feeling conflicted between wanting to make Minho suffer a little and just plain want. Though his mouth and hands never leave Kibum, Minho’s eyes never leave Jinki. Jinki feels Kibum’s hand searching for his and knows he must be getting close. He decides to forgive Kibum and holds his hand. He leans in to start kissing the sweet spot behind his ear and soon enough Kibum’s coming with his trademark hiccup and groan. Jinki stays close until Kibum lets go of his hand. When he looks down, Minho’s got a smug grin on his face as he presses kisses to Kibum’s thighs. When Kibum’s come down enough from his high, Minho pulls away and moves up so that he’s sitting. He swings his legs over the side of the bed and moves to stand when Jinki grabs his wrist.

“And where do you think you’re going?” Jinki asks.

Minho shrugs. “Well you said that we ruined the mood for you, so I was getting up to get water for sweetpea while he recovers.”

“He’s already got a water, baby.”

As much as Jinki had tried to fight it, he and Minho both know he’s lost this battle. He pulls Minho towards him, but he resists.

“What is it, honey?” he asks, in a mockingly coy tone.

“You know damn well what.”

Minho glances at Kibum and the two share a smile.

“I thought you said we ruined the mood?”

“Baby, just blow me, dammit.” Jinki says, pulling again.

Minho smirks but he moves over to oblige. Even though Jinki’s already got his jeans and boxers off by the time Minho gets comfortable on his stomach again, he takes his time getting to it: an eternity of thigh kisses and hip bites and lone licks make already high want nearly unbearable. “You can skip the warm up, baby. I said blow me, not butter me up.”

Minho laughs. “I’m just trying to make it good for you, honey, just trying to blow your mind too.”

Minho scoots up and wraps a hand around Jinki’s length. While it’s better than before, it’s still not what Jinki wants. He decides to switch tactics.

“Baby, won’t you be good and suck me off?” he asks, cupping Minho’s chin with his hand. “You looked so good sucking off Kibum, won’t you be good for me too?”

The resolve in Minho’s eyes waivers and when he takes him into his mouth, Jinki thinks he’s won. There’s a naughty glimmer in his eyes though and Jinki realizes that it was all a ruse. While Minho is doing what he was told to do, he’s going almost painfully slow, giving just enough to keep Jinki hard but not enough to get him going anywhere. Kibum scoots close and cuddles up to Jinki’s side, pressing small kisses into his shoulder while running his fingers through Minho’s hair. After a few torturous minutes, Jinki looks to Kibum for help.

“I don’t quite think it’s fair that baby gets to have all this fun while we’re just at his mercy, what do you think, honey?” Kibum coos.

“Not fair at all,” Jinki manages. “Maybe you should give him a taste of his own medicine.”

Kibum smirks and grabs the pillow next to him before scooting down the bed towards Minho. He swats his butt twice and Minho lifts his hips up. Kibum pulls Minho’s boxers off and the pillow is positioned under Minho to keep him up just enough. Kibum lays down on his back next to him and gets comfortable before slipping a hand under Minho. The contact makes Minho moan and the vibration sends a jolt up Jinki’s spine. Minho picks up the pace a little bit and after awhile, Jinki notices that he’s squirming around. He looks towards Kibum.

“I’m just treating baby the same way he’s treating you. Guess he’ll just have to give a little more if he wants to get a little more.” Kibum explains as he rolls over to press kisses to Minho’s spine.  Again, Minho picks up the pace a little more, so Kibum starts whispering praises in between kisses. Jinki starts running his fingers through Minho’s hair, watching Minho’s resolve to tease crumble with each passing comment and kiss from Kibum. Soon enough, Jinki’s leaning his head back, eyes closed as Minho blows him with all the effort he can muster. Jinki finally comes and Minho makes sure to swallow every drop. When Jinki comes back to his senses, Minho’s biting his thighs, still squirming around. He looks down and meets Kibum’s eyes. Though Kibum isn’t usually this playful or rough with Minho, it’s clear he’s enjoying himself.

“Do you think baby’s earned it or should he have to wait a little longer?” Kibum asks, sitting up. Jinki can hear Minho quietly begging; he doesn’t normally, especially not when Kibum’s playing with him, so Jinki decides to take the kinder option and nods. Kibum gives Minho’s butt another swat before helping him roll onto his back. Minho’s got both hands in Kibum’s hair and as soon as Kibum takes him in his mouth he’s coming, back arched and a scream caught in his throat. Jinki’s not sure which of the three of them is more pleased with how things have turned out so far. Kibum continues sucking Minho until it’s too much and then moves to kissing his hips. Minho eventually lets go of Kibum’s hair, reaching one hand behind him for Jinki to hold. Kibum lays down next to Minho, both still breathing heavy. When Jinki thinks he’s regained control of his legs, he swings them over, taking care not to hit Minho’s head. He stands and makes his way to the door once his legs stop wobbling.

“Where are you going?” Kibum asks, propping himself up on one elbow.

“I don’t know about you guys, but I’m going to need a snack or something before round two.”

[cheekblush]

⭐ hey angel, how are you? it’s been awhile? i sent you a mssg but you probz didn’t receive it, i just wanted to say that i hope you’ve been well and the universe has been treating you kinder 💖💓💕 i hope you’ve been taking care of yourself my starlight, it’d make me sad if you weren’t 😔 but anyway, how are you? also, i’m not a mutual but i thought i’d pop in and tell you tho i haven’t spoken to you in a while, i have missed you 🐚🌷🕊💖

my dearest, loveliest guardian angel! 🌟👼🏻💘🌟 i actually did receive your messages my love but unfortunately haven't found the time and energy to properly reply yet 😔 i sincerely apologize from the bottom of my heart, i know i made you wait sooo long but i haven't been feeling my best to be quite honest. and unfortunately i'm the kind of person who retreats to themselves when i'm going through a rough time because i don't want to burden anybody or bring anyone down with my negativity. i've been feeling very drained and just completely and utterly lost when it comes to my whole life. but today i finally had a little revelation that gave me some hope 🕊 and your message put a huge smile on my face! ☀️🦋🌱 i feel like i just received a long big warm welcoming hug from you that washed away all my worries 💗👭🏻💗 i cannot thank you enough for reaching out to me again even though i am so horrible at getting back to you 🥺 please always know how deeply i appreciate each and every message of yours and that i am so honored and grateful to have a beautiful soul as yours looking over me and caring about me 💖 i'm sorry i'm a very lacking person, i feel like i don't deserve you at all 😭 but you continue to show me so much kindness, love, care, understanding and warmth 🥺💘 i say this every time but i truly can never thank you enough. you keep on saving me and illuminating my life with your shining light 🌟 i hope that these months have been kinder and more gentle with you! i hope you and your loved ones are healthy, safe and happy 🌸 hopefully you have been doing better and the universe has watched over you and granted you joyous days ⛅🌿🐞🍊🦋👒🌅 i love you and think of you always. please don't interpret my delayed replies as ignorance as i care very deeply about you and would never want to hurt or disappoint you 🥺😔 i'll reply to your older messages now! please forgive me once again for taking so long, it has absolutely nothing to do with you my angel, it's all on me. i loooooveeee youuuuuu 💗