tosin-talks

[tosin-talks]

I had the wonderful opportunity of being the keynote speaker at the Class of 2025 graduation ceremony for Harmony School of Ingenuity-Houston.

Video Link

Transcript of speech: "Good evening everyone! I’m so grateful to be speaking with you all tonight, especially to the class of 2025. Although I wasn’t present to witness the anxiety you might have had before STAAR tests, the exhaustion you tried to hide when listening to a lecture in your least favorite class, or the dread you might have felt when your alarm clock rang in the morning, I’m honored to celebrate your ability to overcome a multitude of challenges and graduate against all odds. I don’t know any of you personally but I’m brimming with pride for each and every single one of you! What you have achieved today is a phenomenal accomplishment and you deserve to revel in it. 

Your high school career began on the tail end of a global pandemic that dramatically shifted how we learn and process. There was no fool-proof guide or research on how to best adapt to this way of life which caused a wave of panic and despair to wash over the world. Humans don’t usually handle uncertainty well so to be able to make it to the end of this cycle with little assurance and direction is no small feat. You’ve gained beneficial skills and traits during these challenging 4 years that will help you on this new journey.

I remember looking around the room on the evening of my graduation ceremony and thinking, “it’s all over,” but there were multiple connotations to that sentence. On one side of this coin, there was a sense of freedom in knowing that I was finally getting out of here and no longer had to look at that random mural of the presidents in the front office anymore! On the flipside, my entire identity revolved around school; 50% of my week was spent there, most of my friendships were cultivated in the classroom, and I had nothing to my name except an A+ in AP Lit. I got so used to deadlines in school that I placed arbitrary ones in every aspect of my life. Graduation was supposed to be a celebration of my hard work over the past 4 years and the new journey I would embark on but 17-year-old me viewed it as the funeral of my purpose. My young mind placed so many boundaries on life and couldn’t conceptualize just how much opportunity awaited me.

Your life doesn’t end once this ceremony is over, in fact, it’s only just begun. There’s more to life outside the four walls of your classroom, the four corners of your high school diploma, and the four edges of your phone and computer screen. Don’t fall into the mental trap that you’re running out of time. Time is cyclical so there will always be more of it, you have the power to choose what you do with that time so you’re not consumed by regret. I really hope none of you are flat earthers because my next sentence won’t land well with you: the world is so incredibly big and round meaning that there’s no end to what you can accomplish and there’s endless possibilities to explore. 

Cycles come to a close as they simultaneously begin. Every year, you and the earth celebrate the end and beginning of another cycle. The end of this high school cycle may mean the end of some of these relationships but the beginning of new ones. You can be a cycle breaker, just as you can be a cycle starter of prosperity for you and those that come after you. Your ancestors lived through gruesome cycles in order for you to be here. You are meant to be here, you are essential to the inner workings of the universe. Every day that the sun rises is another opportunity to pivot your life in the direction that you believe to be best for you. You will experience many seasons of life and parts of you may change but you will still be you at your core. You are your best friend forever so please learn to accept and love yourself for who you are.

You’ve worked incredibly hard. I rarely take a moment to reflect on just how far I’ve come but it's my responsibility as a therapist to teach you all how to do that. We’re going to take a few deep breaths in…and out. Let’s do another deep breath in…and out. Graduates, I want you to take it all in while we celebrate you. Let’s give a round of applause to the graduates as they take a moment to recognize their accomplishments.

The same support that your faculty, family, and friends provided you throughout this cycle should be returned. Your support didn’t just touch these graduates' lives, but the lives of those that they will meet in the future. Thank you for guiding them to the end of this cycle and assisting them as they begin other monumental cycles. While the faculty and audience take a moment to reflect on the impact they’ve made on so many, I want the graduates to applaud them.

I’d like to express my gratitude once more for the opportunity to talk to you all tonight. 8 years ago, I gave my salutatorian speech in front of my classmates and our support systems and although I might have appeared confident, I was actually filled with so much fear and self-doubt. 8 years later, I’ve transformed into a woman that I think a younger me would be extremely proud of. This moment feels like closure; the end of a strenuous but enlightening cycle and the start of a cycle of inspiration. I proved to my younger self that there’s nothing inherently wrong with her and that positive change is absolutely possible. I hope you all are able to experience this kind of contentment, you’ve mastered difficult cycles in the past and deserve to experience fulfillment as a result. I hope who you were yesterday is proud of who you are today and that you're currently making choices that will lead you to a rewarding and memorable future.

Congratulations to the families of the graduates, to the Ingenuity faculty and staff, and most importantly, congratulations to the Class of 2025!"

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Springtime Guided Meditation

This is a guided mindfulness activity for the spring, it's intended to help you feel grounded and calm. This audio includes slow bilateral stimulation to amplify feelings of calm and relaxation (best used with wired headphones).

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Lightstream Guided Exercise

This guided exercise is called Light Stream, it’s intended to help you feel physically and emotionally relaxed when you’re experiencing tension or overwhelm. This audio includes slow bilateral stimulation to amplify feelings of calm and relaxation.

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Tosin Talks about community and inauthenticity

On my 2025 ins and outs list is community service being in and inauthenticity being out. I’ll be honest…this is going to be a challenge for me but I know I can do hard things.

This past year, though remarkably rewarding, was so dramatically difficult that I ended up developing resentment for the city I live in because of it. 

I’m very resilient so I’m usually able to tell myself, “you’ve been to hell and back, you’ll make it through this,” but facing a wrongful eviction, fraud, and a car accident all while getting through graduate school seemed too big to tackle at the time of each event. I think it was most difficult feeling unsupported and receiving little recognition for my perseverance. I felt like I was fighting to keep my head above water and most people were just watching me and judging my inability to swim like Katie Ledecky. Despite all these metaphorical water obstacles, I still found the ability to give my all to others, even those that never reached a hand out to help me. I guess I expected a little more appreciation and applause when I still managed to make it out victoriously. Graduation felt pointless when I had to walk across the stage to my name being announced incorrectly (twice!). I feel like I gave so much of myself to a community that I might not belong in and that might not really care about me. And I think to protect myself, I built my walls up and I’m harboring animosity towards the community.

I’m a big proponent of fostering community as I believe that humanity can’t survive without supporting each other. I, myself, am in need of community and I’m currently experiencing the disadvantages of not having that close by. I know I have a strong set of people in my corner but I think I’m going to need a little more surrounding support and fulfillment in other ways besides my career in order to be the woman I want to be.

There was a time when I would say that I hated my hometown, Houston, but I have a lot of pride for the city. It brings me an unexplainable feeling to drive by the downtown Houston skyline, and I was surrounded by people who loved me for who I was, so in a way, I loved Houston. There was a time when I would say I hated Austin but I had the freedom to discover myself, I was surrounded by creatives and thinkers, and I cultivated my love for nature there so, in a way, I loved Austin. I’ve experienced more isolation than connection in the city I currently live in so I’ve become closed off to the possible positives. However, I became a counselor and essentially confirmed my purpose while living here and that’s no minor occurrence. But I feel like I’m not being my true self, I'm constantly masking and performing. I feel so out of place in every position except for when I’m counseling or working with children. And I feel like I’m not allowed to talk about my experience either because that only isolates me further.

So, I just concluded that I hate it here. But I might have to live here longer than I anticipated and I can’t live in a place that I hate so I have to find things to love about it. I know I’m partly responsible for the lack of connections and community that I’m experiencing—having a negative attitude definitely doesn’t open me up to positive opportunities and being inauthentic will only bring false friendships. 

This year, I’m hoping to find a place to be my authentic self and build a community around that authenticity. I’m hoping that one day, I’ll be able to say, “in a way, I loved Corpus Christi.”

Background music by Dan Darmawan

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Tosin Talks about invalidation and its effects

You know when you’re really upset about something and someone tells you that you’re being a little dramatic? Has that ever made you feel less upset? 

I’m guessing it probably made you want to actually be dramatic or it completely broke your heart. You weren’t trying to get them to completely understand your experience and deeply feel your emotions—that invalidation only created another dilemma for you to have to deal with. Now you’re questioning if you really are overreacting about the matter or you’re thinking that person’s just an asshole that is sabotaging you or you’re afraid that maybe there’s something fundamentally wrong with you…

Notice how fast we spiraled? That’s how impactful invalidation can be. Constant invalidation of our experiences dramatically influences the way that we tell our stories to others. The story is no longer “I was hurt and taken advantage of”, it’s “this is why I’m dramatic and don’t know how to handle anything”. Sometimes the invalidation begins during our formative years and from the very first people we met when we arrived in this world. 

What’s that label that your family gave to you that you just can’t seem to get over? Crybaby, loser, weirdo, “the fat one”, “my problem child”, “the mean one”, “the one I don’t talk about”, etc. The creation of that label significantly changed how they talk to you, speak about you to others, treat you, and perceive you. Most importantly, it changed the way that you see yourself. Now you hold back tears because you don’t want the crybaby label to stick or you hold your tongue while they say things that disrespect you because you want to get rid of the mean label. The invalidation continues when you bring up the past to them and it seems like the only person that remembers the story even vaguely is you. Then you really start believing those messages that were said about you.

Did the invalidation actually make you stop feeling sadness, out of place, alone, unheard, misunderstood, frustrated, or whatever the original emotion was? 

When I was a young child enduring trauma, I wanted to tell someone about it but when I did, I was met with, “you talk too much”, “you say the wildest things” or “you’re being a baby”. I was no longer just feeling sad, unloved, unwanted, confused…I became sad, unloved, unwanted, and thought I was legitimately going insane. It was no longer just a traumatic experience, what happened to me had found a way into my personality. 

Had I not just experienced something devastatingly difficult? Did that event not hurt my feelings or cause me some sort of pain? Even if it was a minor thing and from the outside looking in, I was being a little dramatic…I still felt that pain, and telling myself that I shouldn’t have, didn’t make the feeling go away. 

I often wonder how things would be if I was adequately validated when something happened. I wonder if I would be better at managing my emotional responses or overcoming challenges. Because instead of the situation intertwining with who I was, maybe I could fully feel my feelings, validate them, and possibly move onto actually solving the problem. 

Nonetheless, the past is the past and I am now responsible for doing my best to end that cycle of invalidation.

It can be difficult since we become accustomed to belittling our emotions and the emotions of others. You hear “you’re such a crybaby” for crying about losing something you really loved so often that it becomes easier to say the same thing to an actual child crying over losing their favorite blanket. It’s a skill that takes practice, I’m not always the best at it either. 

You’ll need to first become comfortable with acknowledging and identifying your feelings. I don’t know how else to explain this but you have to feel the emotions fully so that the emotions don’t consume you. If you feel sad, just feel sad and find a non-harmful way to express that even if it's bawling in bed or recording voice memos where you pour your heart out. Validate that emotion and the experience that brought it up. Now that emotion doesn’t feel as heavy as before and you might actually be able to combat the feeling with one that you’d prefer to feel.

We can’t change other people and their perception of us but we do have control over the way we speak about ourselves and our experiences. I challenge you to validate one feeling and experience that you have this week. And because I know you’re capable of doing difficult things, I additionally challenge you to validate someone else’s emotions and experience. Create more productive narratives about yourself and about those you care about.

Background music by Mat1k Beats

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Tosin Talks about the neverending game

It’s been a long time and a lot has happened within that time frame that’s taken a lot of my attention. There’ve been significant new developments in my personal life. There have also been fun things going on in my professional life. I began my practical experience as a student counselor in February. Being a counselor has surprisingly been the most comfortable role to shift into as well as one of the most meaningful roles. I’m immensely grateful to be entrusted with such an important job and thankful to those who have shared a piece of themselves or their story with me. 

I have just 5% of my master’s degree to complete! When I began the program two years ago, I wholeheartedly thought that it would take me forever to finish and there were days that I really wanted to drop out…and by that, I mean every single day! I received a passing score on the exit exam on my first try so that was a relief! I’ve been consistently receiving good grades these past few semesters.

Another super cool thing that I did since my last Tosin Talk was publish a children’s book! I wrote a children’s book called Tiny Tim that talks about navigating big feelings and creating positive narratives about your emotions and experiences. It’s being sold on the Barnes & Noble website and on Amazon. It’s still surreal to say that I have a children’s book published on websites and storefronts that I frequent…it feels even more of a dream to know that people are actually reading and enjoying it! It’s so rewarding as a creative when your work gets noticed. The book was initially a class project and with some encouragement from my professor and colleagues and collaboration with a brilliant illustrator, I published a book! 

Anyway…what’s next? 

That’s genuinely how quick I move on from my accomplishments sometimes. I don’t sit in my success for long enough, I even make myself feel bad for not having a seemingly bigger accomplishment. I remember sobbing when I won a silver medal at an international science fair because I diminished its importance and only focused on how I could’ve done better.

The week after I released Tiny Tim was spent self-loathing. I was so hypercritical of the work that I put out into the world. I was beating myself up for not making it “perfect” despite not really knowing what the perfect children’s book was. I imagined the faces of people I loved and admired, reading my book and saying all the mean things that my mind made up to make the thoughts seem more true. I was fearful of letting people down because it wasn’t as amazing as some of you made it out to be. I didn’t believe that I was deserving of the praise and excitement that I received. And as a result, I discredited my work and told myself to do better. 

Something I noticed and others pointed out is that I’m constantly moving the goal post. As soon as I score one phenomenal goal, I’m on to a new strategy to earn another goal. I didn’t take a second to do a dance, wave to the crowd, or anything. Doing this creates the belief that nothing I do is ever enough. It’s a bad habit that I think I picked up from my culture and the way I was raised. It’s almost endearing to keep playing this game with myself because it means that excellence is my standard and I know that I can achieve it. On the other hand, it’s so unnecessarily exhausting and honestly unproductive to live this way. What good is it truly doing for me to tell myself that I wrote a “bad” story and no achievement is ever “good enough”? Am I really motivating myself to work harder or am I just making myself more susceptible to burnout? 

I’m extremely grateful and lucky to have received validation and praise from many others these past few months, it makes my accomplishments feel more real. However, I’m trying to remember that this is a real milestone and achievement, whether or not others say so. I did a really cool thing and I’ve done really cool things in the past as well! 

I don’t need the validation to make that true and no amount of criticism will ever make that untrue. At the end of the game, the most meaningful goal is making my younger self proud of who I am today. Another goal that’s important to me is helping at least one person with my words and actions. I don’t need to move those goal posts dramatically because I think I score those goals everyday. 

Background music by creek

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Tiny Tim is a fun picture book that teaches the importance of emotional regulation! As Tim learns how to control his storm of emotions and avoid problem behaviors, he also learns how to separate himself from harmful narratives. The original book provides 8 additional pages for parents and caregivers to learn how to help their children navigate intense emotions and develop a positive sense of self.

The junior edition was created for independent reading with age-appropriate language for young people. This version allows them to learn alongside Tim as he gains control of his emotions and behaviors.

Tiny Tim: Navigating Stormy Feelings and Behaviors is available for purchase on Barnes & Noble.com: $16.99 Hardcover or $13 Paperback and on Amazon: $13.00 Paperback. The junior edition is also available on Amazon: $9.13 Paperback

Tiny Tim: Navigating Stormy Feelings and Behaviors is written by Tosin Anjorin and illustrated by Peachmarch.

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Tosin Talks about looking back and moving forward

This past year simultaneously flew by and lasted too long. I have an immense amount of gratitude concerning every emotion and event that I experienced in 2023. I’m glad to have experienced a wide array of feelings and states of mind such as disappointment, loneliness, contentment, bliss, ennui, confusion, confidence, appreciation, and many more. I am thankful to all the reminders that I am human, for better or for worse.

One of the greatest lessons I learned over these last 12 months in addition to the last 24 years of my life is how resilient my mind and heart are. My mind can undergo pain—trivial or tumultuous—but it can and will heal. My heart can be poked at or violently pulled in various directions but it can never be destroyed and the love I have for the world and its inhabitants will remain. I admire the perseverance and efforts of these organs. Despite all the horrors that they have witnessed, both still work their hardest everyday to keep me alive and well. I’m grateful to your hearts and minds as well for trying even when living seems like an overwhelming chore. 

The importance of community was greatly emphasized this past year. The idea of showing up for others and being grateful to those who show up for you presented itself to me in various ways. As a counselor-in-training, I’ve learned just how impactful it is to sit with someone as they process emotions. Sometimes bearing witness to what one may be going through is enough. Many around the world, notably those in nations such as Palestine, Congo, and Sudan, are experiencing inhumane treatment and suffering—it is so crucial for those in positions of privilege to speak up for the voices that aren’t being heard. I believe that we hold the responsibility of caring for and helping each other in ways that are in our individual power. Society is experiencing a loneliness epidemic (this might be an after effect of the ongoing COVID pandemic), we need to collaborate with one another to combat this issue. Individualism will not save us so community is important now more than ever.  

I believe that the most important lesson I was taught this past year was to exhibit unwavering authenticity. Being genuine to myself, to my beliefs and morals, and to the world became my top priority. There came a period during the year when I realized that I was feeling so down and despondent because I was struggling with being myself. I decided to step away from everyone else and discover who I am in this moment of time and love her so much that I refuse to hide her. The woman that I have become and the impact that she has made has been the most rewarding piece of 2023. I’m hoping that as I meet new parts of myself and evolve in my many identities that I don't lose who I am at my core.

Time is real but it isn’t real…obviously, since I’m sharing this halfway through January and haven’t written a blogpost since July 2023. It’s no biggie though, the writing is done on its own time. The concept of a new year is a social construct so don’t feel pressured to transform during this first month. Give yourself grace as you continue life at your own pace. 

I’m wishing you all a year of joy, abundance, love, and success!

Background music by jeongsin

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Tosin Talks about releasing and rephrasing

Alright…I’m done being angry. I’m over being sad. I’m sick of being a victim. I’m tired of being distant. I’m letting go of resentment, defeat, insecurity, worry and wondering, guilt, and every other emotion that has plagued me these past couple of months. I’m releasing control and rephrasing the way I view things.

I’ve been away for a while, both on my blog and outside of my pink themed laptop. I experienced some personal challenges that called for me to retreat for a little bit. I was finishing up the school semester with what felt like my four last brain cells so focusing was a tremendous task. A few end-of-semester assignments were surrounding the topic of BPD so I think that brought up some shame for me. Work was becoming quite overwhelming and tiring. A few of my recently made friendships abruptly came to an end and once the Spring semester was over, it felt like most of my school friendships were headed that way too. I’ve felt really alone recently but that might've been the point.

I don’t think my hermit phase was necessarily a bad thing. I think I needed to learn to be alone and comfortable with my own company. This period alone allowed me to do some shadow work and uncover the parts of myself that I still need to confront and forgive. I additionally felt like the energy and effort I put into school, work, and relationships amounted to nothing and that this has always been the case. I needed time to put that energy and effort into myself so I could stop feeling like I was losing in every aspect of life. I was spiteful of the world and everyone in it. I felt undervalued, unappreciated, unimportant, abandoned, alone. I asked myself, the universe, and intuitive readers the same question, “I’ve done everything right, I’ve put in so much, I’ve suffered enough and I’m not suffering anymore so…why do I still hate my life?!” 

The answer has always been within myself. I just wanted it to be clearly written out for me, but where’s the lesson in that? I often assume that because I’ve endured trauma at a young age that every bit of hardship should cease and I should be living an absolute fairytale. I expect to never experience an obstacle that provokes personal development after just getting through the last one. But that would defeat the purpose of personal development. If I never faced a single challenge ever again, how would I become my best self? 

I consider myself a “forever student”, I love learning new things and refreshing or expanding my knowledge on things I already know. Rephrasing life’s challenges, even the ones I’ve experienced before, as opportunities to learn and grow has significantly impacted the attitude I have towards them. I’m not too scared of Tower moments anymore because I know that these experiences are for my highest and greatest good. They’re difficult changes to go through and I’m allowed to feel whatever I want to feel but remaining in the negative headspace seldom allows for progress outside my head. It’s hard to hold onto hope but it feels better than holding onto hate. 

I guess this was all part of my most recent life challenge and I was going to keep going through the same obstacles until I learned to view them less as barriers and more as moments to be better. I was going to keep holding onto hate, anger, shame, bitterness, and doubt until I was finally ready to freely feel love, peace, forgiveness, empathy, and confidence. I was going to keep asking every therapist and psychic the same questions until I listened to my intuition and found the answers in myself.

Here I was thinking some of the answers would come to me while meditating in nature…but they came while rejoining Instagram to post silly memes and while adding kombucha to my grocery list and while preparing my outfits for the Barbie movie and…when I just stopped asking.

Background music by Arcane Beats

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Tosin Talks about feeling too little and too much

“i am either a mighty tsunami or i am a calm ripple in the sea. i am either a blazing wildfire or i am the quick spark of a matchstick. i am either a violent tornado or i am a steady and gentle breeze. i am either a shattering earthquake or i am a small rock, crushed into sand. i am either too much or i am too little.”

I’m on a balance beam of emotions but rather than actually attempting to make it to the end of the beam, I’ve been standing still and refusing to try. Sure, this method prevents me from falling but it also prevents me from reaching the end. I’ve recently been restricting myself from feeling because I’m afraid of having my emotions consume me. Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder tend to feel emotions on an intense level. Anger becomes rage, sadness becomes sorrow, love looks like obsession, joy feels like euphoria. That current emotion takes over your entire being and it truly feels like you’re held captive by your feelings. I’ve been so scared of being trapped on an emotional rollercoaster again that I’ve barred myself from feeling anything at all.

During my last therapy session, my counselor told me that she observes that I’m engaging in emotional bypass but she’s not surprised since I’m a counseling student. I’ve been intellectualizing my feelings and trying terribly hard to convince myself and everyone around me that I’m too cool to experience emotions. As a counseling student with a lived experience, I feel pressured to uphold an extraordinary level of stability and poise. I worry that if I ever feel down, it means that I’m not actually getting better and that I’m not fit to be a counselor. However, I have to remember that I’m a human, first and foremost, and that means that I’m going to feel a wide range of emotions. There’s no shame in being sensitive. 

The masking of my emotions came immediately after exposing a bit of my heart. I was vulnerable in my last three Tosin Talks—I discussed the shame I have about rushing relationships, feeling lonely while needing love, and still experiencing some minor symptoms of BPD. I also revealed certain feelings and shared emotional intimacy with those in my personal life this past month. An alarm went off in my head as if I had bared too much of myself or let people too far into my heart and I went into lockdown as a result. I became too afraid to cry because I didn’t want to be the depressed girl anymore; too afraid to love because I didn’t want to love too hard and be abandoned; too afraid to have needs because I didn’t want to be seen as needy or too much to care for; too afraid to be happy and hopeful because I didn’t want to eventually be heartbroken.

I’m going to experience those feelings whether I want to, expect them, allow them or not. To still maintain some level of control of my emotions, I try to feel them as they come. I try not stuff them all into a box until it finally explodes. I learned the hard way that avoiding emotions altogether will only bring a flooding of feelings. I thought the way to balance my intense feelings was to not feel at all but what I truly needed to do was to experience and validate my emotions in the moment. And honestly, it’s really not that bad to have an emotional breakdown every once in a while, as long as I’m keeping myself safe and utilizing healthy resources and coping skills. It’s okay to be affected by others, to feel emotions and respond from the heart, to have needs and vocalize them. Feel bliss, heartbreak, passion, gloom, peace, worry, yearning, and everything else in the emotions archive—it is your right as a human to feel and you shouldn’t take that away from yourself.

Background music by Arcane Beats

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Tosin Talks about residual symptoms of BPD

I haven’t really directly talked about symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder on my blog because I haven’t felt ready to discuss the real horrors of the disorder; I wasn’t even sure where to start and how to talk about my story. Additionally, I just haven’t been as affected by my symptoms as I used to be. For years, I have been working hard to recover from the diagnosis that I received in 2018 and undiagnosed symptoms that I experienced before then. Recovery is possible and I believe I’ve survived some of the worst parts of the disorder but BPD is a mental illness that greatly impacts one’s thought processes and perception of the world so I still experience the long-term effects of it.

I haven’t had a typical “BPD episode” in about 3-4 months. I don’t think I’ve self-harmed in about 6-7 months and I don't have constant urges to do so either. My reactions and responses are a lot less intense these days which probably means that my mental health has improved. Now that the life-threatening and extremely destructive symptoms aren’t a main issue, I am working on my issues with emotional impermanence, interpersonal relationships, splitting, and chronic emptiness.

I still struggle with the well known BPD concept of a “favorite person”, especially since a long-term relationship recently ended. I try to be cognizant of when I may unconsciously make someone else my new favorite person but it can be difficult to notice since my symptoms aren’t that intense anymore. Now that I process and evaluate my feelings towards someone, it’s not as easy to realize if I just really like and admire them or I’m idealizing them. The downside to when I realize that I might have idealized someone that I’m close to is the devaluation and emptiness that follows. The shift isn’t as grandiose as it used to be and rather than switching from black to white, I move between dark grey and light grey. I’ve been working really hard on not letting others’ thoughts, opinions, and worldviews become my own or heavily impact the way I perceive myself. I used to shapeshift to become whoever I assumed my favorite person wanted me to be. Now, I’m discovering my true self and learning to love her and choose her every time.

I definitely still experience mood swings but the highs and lows aren’t very high or low and they mostly occur on or around my period. Something that’s frustrating to still experience is emotional impermanence. I wish I had a better hold on an emotion and did a better job of remembering that a certain emotion will return. Another symptom that I still occasionally experience is chronic emptiness. I feel what Charles Baudelaire called “ennui”. I feel extremely detached and like I’m watching myself live this silly game of mundanity. I feel disconnected from the city I live in and some of the people I interact with and have little hope of this issue improving. I haven’t yet discovered what triggers my feelings of numbness and emptiness, it’s almost like I’m splitting on life itself. However, I’ve been combatting the emptiness by creating and stimulating my mind. I’ve been reading, learning new things, and writing a lot more.

Sometimes I get disappointed in myself for still experiencing minor symptoms. I understand that BPD can be a lifelong journey even if/when I no longer meet diagnosing criteria but I am fearful that I may never have a healthy, happy, long-term partnership or have my emotions completely in check or feel at home anywhere that I move to. I’m learning to give myself the same grace that I would give a future client or my younger self. I’ve come so far, my progress is definitely observable and I can acknowledge my effort and the results of that hard work. I’m not expected to completely rid myself of over a decade of mental health challenges in just a day. If I’m being honest, I didn’t expect myself to even live this long so I’m simply proud to be alive and sharing my story with you all. 

If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide or emotional distress, dial 988 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline or text “HELLO” to 741741 for the Crisis Text Line. For more education, advocacy, and support about BPD, visit the National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder (neabpd.org) and the National Alliance on Mental Illness (nami.org).

Background music by Mist3r

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Are any of your personal socials still active? I ended up here because I was wondering what you were up to post graduation but couldn’t find you. I know you used to take pretty regular breaks from social media though so if that’s still the case then please take care of yourself first!

The only personal social that is somewhat active is my Tiktok but I rarely post and use it mainly for viewing/communicating with close friends. I don't think I'll be coming back to my personal Instagram and I'm definitely done with having a personal Twitter. It's been difficult for me to feel comfortable/safe sharing my authentic self and since graduating, comparing myself to others is an almost daily occurrence. Maybe therapy will help with the paranoia, self-loathing, and perfectionism I experience with social media and I can eventually return to Instagram or join a new site.

Post-graduation updates: I took a gap year to work/save up money while staying with my parents as well as have enough time to figure out what I want to do next and how exactly to go about that. I will be going back to school in August in pursuit of a Master of Science in Professional Counseling. If you'd like to talk a little more personally, feel free to email me!

[tosin-talks]

Hey Tosin, I hope you’re doing well. There was a time where we talked a lot and I wanted to be your friend because I also struggled a lot making friends in school. I guess it didn’t end up working out, but I thought of you today and was only able to find this account. If you still use this and see this message, just know that I hope you’re doing well and that I can relate to a lot of what you’ve written here. I felt isolated too but all I can hope is that things are better now.

Hello anonymous friend,

I'm not sure of who you are but I want to apologize about our friendship. I often get carried away and more recently, I've felt the need to disappear. I've been trying to work on being a better friend, I think I owe quite a few people apologies for the way I've been recently. I'm very sorry.

I was actually about to disappear from this account as well but this message is making me reconsider. It means a lot to me that you're hoping well for me and my words resonate with you. Thank you for still having kindness in your heart about me. I hope you're doing better as well. I hope that soon you'll be surrounded by genuine friendship.

-Tosin

[tosin-talks]

Tosin Talks about how COVID killed my friendships

Some symptoms of COVID-19 include coughing, sore throat, fever and in many new cases, fading of friendships. This virus has affected everyone I know, even those who weren’t infected. The time during and after the pandemic has been filled with loss, isolation, and chaos.

Despite being a friendly person, I tend to have few long-lasting and strong friendships. I went from attending a very small high school where we all had to be friends to attending a large university by myself and three hours away from home. Making genuine friends was my second biggest challenge (passing chemistry II was my first). Friendships in college can either be really successful or really detrimental. Because I didn’t really have a choice, I opened myself up to any and every friendship that I was lucky enough to receive. This method of friend-making had its advantages and disadvantages. By junior year, I got tired of trying and went back to avoidance and isolation. Those are only ways I know to protect myself from potentially traumatic situations; however, quarantine brought a new, torturous kind of isolation that I had never experienced before. I’ve always had a difficult time connecting with the idea of family but the bonds I share with my friends are like that of family. This is why it feels devastating to lose a friend, even if it was for the best. This past year and a half, I feel like I’ve been mourning many friendships and that nasty virus is a significant reason for my loss.

Graduating in the middle of a pandemic meant that I didn’t really get a chance to give a proper goodbye to the few friendships that made it to senior year or an opportunity to make new friends in my final classes. I struggled with social anxiety since the start of college but a year and a half of online school made my social anxiety twice as bad and changed the way it presented itself. Before COVID, I would stay inside my apartment rather than going to class because I was too worried of people perceiving and judging me on campus. Schooling from home gave me no escape and took the comfort out of my own bedroom. Not being able to interpret my classmates' body language and facial expressions left me to assume the way they felt about me. I fully convinced myself that my classmates hated me and would cry after almost every class about it. I’ve come to accept the fact that my college experience was stolen from me by mental illness, lack of funds, and a global pandemic.

I was fortunate enough to end 2019 with closing two major childhood traumas through Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy (EMDR) and getting my academic life back together after being hospitalized the previous fall. Unfortunately, 2020 started off on a sad note—I experienced another sexual/relationship trauma and my therapist resigned from their position that January. I managed to remain positive and immersed myself in my classes to maintain mental health and good grades. I drove back home for what I thought would be a week of Spring break and ended up spending Spring and Summer at my parents’ place. I didn’t see a single friend or leave my bedroom for months, I felt like I was losing my mind. School has always been my escape but all of my classes were online so even though I returned to my college town, I was trapped inside my apartment. I was still deprived of my daily dose of Vitamin D and mild social interaction since I was unable to walk on campus. I had a small amount of people that I surrounded myself with but I think the pandemic changed them into different people that were not healthy for me to be around anymore. Somehow I still felt alone around these people but clung to them because I was losing genuine friends and had no one else.

Everything and everyone was changing at an accelerated rate. I was already in a transitional period of my life—I was in my early twenties, graduating from university, attempting to heal from numerous traumas and was somehow supposed to figure out the next step of my life when a tiny virus was still affecting the entire globe. I understand why many of my friends and acquaintances went through transformations, we’re at the age for change and the changes have become dramatic due to this unexpected pandemic. Some lost hope and went into seclusion while others were frantically trying to complete their bucket lists, many of us experienced both sides. The pandemic also brought many debates and we judged each other on the ways that those around us chose to cope with the chaos. A lot of us realized that we have differing morals, priorities, and personalities than those we used to be best friends with. There were people that I would talk to almost every day and now it seems we’re on different planets. I’ve resorted to just allowing whatever happens to happen because I can no longer keep track of all the shifts.

I’ve been criticized for changing drastically but also for not accepting change. I was criticized for moving three hours away from home but judged for being upset about my college friendships ending. I’m wrong if I end friendships that I believe are no longer healthy for me, I’m wrong if I stay in them as well. I wish more people would understand that I’m coping with these grand changes the best way that I can. I’m attempting to re-adapt to living with my parents in a city that isn’t for me, I’m trying to manage the external changes that I’m obligated to face. I’m trying to accept the metamorphoses that my friends and I will undergo and accept that some of us may not be friends after our transformations. I think I’m allowed to feel sorrowful as I adapt, I shouldn’t be judged for hurting while adjusting.

I began writing this specific Tosin Talk in January 2021, a lot of good and bad has happened since that time. I don’t know how much longer the few happy milestones will outweigh the many minor inconveniences. Many friendships have slowed down or ended. I have been experiencing a wave of friendship changes for a year so it’s gotten a little easier to ride but I still wish I could sail smoothly. I knew I’d have to make new friends upon graduation but I’ve become so accustomed to isolation that I no longer know how to socialize. I especially don’t know how to make friends in a city that doesn’t appeal to my interests and living in a home that’s always made me feel trapped.

I’ll never forgive that virus for all that it took from me, I missed out on so much because of it. I’m yearning for better days, I desperately hope they’re coming and I won’t have to wait much longer.

Background music by Akitō (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uh6nwS8FGGo)

[tosin-talks]

Tosin Talks about forgiveness

I used to be really good at holding grudges, I could successfully pretend that you didn’t exist for a year if I tried hard enough. It’s no surprise that I was better at this when I was younger because of how immature that behavior was. When I say “immature”, I don’t mean it insultingly, I mean that my inability to forgive myself and others keeps me from growing. As I’m getting older, I’m learning that the person who cannot let go and keeps bearing pain is actually the hurt child that lives inside me. The young child yells, “I don’t like them, they were mean to me! They don’t get to come to my birthday party!” My inner child is obsessed with being in pain and refuses to let the hurt go. She holds onto that balloon of pain for dear life which actually takes more strength than releasing the balloon and blowing up a much nicer one. I end up spending more energy remembering to resent other people for hurting me than I do trying to heal from the hurt.

I think everyone deserves the opportunity to be forgiven. Without the opportunity to be forgiven and do better, those who have hurt us may feel like there’s no incentive to change and keep to their old ways. This starts with forgiving them within yourself, you can even stop there if it’s safer to do so. Forgiving them, especially without a good apology from them, takes a bit of empathy and perspective changing. Understand that they may not have the skills necessary to give a proper apology and that they may not have been taught/shown kinder ways to treat people which resulted in them hurting you. You have to stop holding in resentment towards them when they may not even be aware that they’ve hurt you. They may have forgotten and learned how to move on while you’re still doing the hard work of remembering for them. I’m not dismissing your pain or telling you to just get over it, I’m saying forgive them within yourself to make more room inside for healing and growing. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you have to maintain a relationship or contact with them either, it’s accepting what happened in the past and letting the pain go.

When I feel hesitancy with forgiving others, I think about all the forgiveness that I was fortunate enough to receive. I’ve done a great deal of hurting too, sometimes I don’t even realize I’m hurting others. And somehow, many have been able to see good in me and forgive me for the pain I caused them. An important concept to understand about wanting forgiveness from others is to let them give it to you. You’re only hurting them more and decreasing any possibility of forgiveness by expecting it and not allowing it to occur on their terms. When I’m aware that I’ve hurt someone and know what I did that hurt them, I try to give them space to process that pain, feel however they need to, and heal while I work on being a better person so as to not hurt others that way. Hurting someone feels like you took power from them so it is important to give them that power back by being respectful of the time they may need to forgive you and the fact that they may choose to not forgive you.

I especially think that everyone deserves the opportunity to forgive themselves. Similar to the way that those who hurt you may not have had the knowledge to treat people differently, you may not have had that knowledge to defend yourself or act differently. If you were hurt, forgive yourself for not having the capability to avoid those situations but also give yourself credit for doing the best you could at the time. Release that pain and learn more effective ways to protect your peace. If you hurt someone else, forgive yourself for not having the skills needed to avoid causing harm to others but also give yourself credit for becoming aware of the potentially harmful ways you treat people. Release that shame and learn better ways to communicate and interact with others. Remember that you wouldn’t be here today if not for the fact that you got through those moments using those once helpful coping skills back then, learned from your experiences, and are trying to gain mastery to ensure situations like that don’t occur again.

To the little girl that lives inside me,

You don’t have to hold on to that pain anymore, you can let go of that balloon. I’m here to protect you now. You were too young to defend yourself, you were too small to handle all of that on your own. Despite how little you were (mentally, emotionally and physically), you did a fantastic job, we wouldn’t have gotten here without your brilliance and courage. Those that hurt you were selfish and immature, they also didn’t know any better and didn’t have the skills necessary to treat you differently. Don’t hold that against them and don’t hold resentment inside you, let it go. That way of coping might have worked for you then but I’m here now with tons of new skills and knowledge to defend you. It’s okay to be open, it’s okay to let people get to know you, it’s okay to forgive.

[tosin-talks]

Tosin Talks about burnout, post-grad existential crises, and relearning me

As I mentioned in my last post, I recently graduated from university. Immediately after moving my tassel over during the commencement ceremony, I felt my heart start to sink—not because I was reminiscing over the amazing moments of college or I was heartbroken to leave so many friends but because I was contemplating what to do with my life now.

Even before graduation, I was applying for full-time positions to pursue upon moving back home. I was so in a rush to get a job simply to prove that I could get one and that my degree wasn’t useless. I felt pressured to impress my parents, professors, and peers. Being so accustomed to overworking, it felt wrong to not be under intense stress. I’m bad at taking breaks, I even worry that I’ll get in trouble for not working, so I jumped into a full-time job about a month after I graduated.

I didn’t last a month.

I was burned out, I was out of gas. This flesh vehicle is due for maintenance; it had some problems from the start and the warning light had been flashing for years but I ignored them so now I’m stranded in the middle of nowhere, shamefully calling for roadside assistance.

I don’t believe I’ve ever felt this lost and without structure before. I feel fortunate to have known what I wanted to do for a long time, an idea of how and when to do it, and who to ask for help. Even in my worst moments, I still had a general sense of what was going on. This time, I truly don’t know. I’m not in school anymore so I don’t have advisors/counselors to help me out. I'm a first-generation student so I don’t have my parents to guide me with the technicalities. Now it’s just me (and my little support system, of course) but I don’t know what I’m doing, how to do it and most especially, I don’t know who I’m doing it for.

I tend to live my life for others, especially my parents. I’m not entirely sure of who I am or what I enjoy anymore. I exhibit a bit of learned helplessness due to childhood experiences and other traumas. I feel like my parents, those who hurt me, and unhealthy societal beliefs put their chains on me and trapped me in a dark room. College came to the rescue and released me from those chains. My brain interpreted moving back home as being put back in that room; even without the original chains this time, I still feel trapped and too scared to leave* although I know it’s possible. I don’t know how to live for myself. I don’t truly know who I am, I’ve always been whoever you wanted me to be.

Unfortunately, I’ve internalized various messages that tell me that I’m not making the right decisions and I shouldn’t pursue that. The negative voices in my head tell me that nobody will ever be proud of me and I’ll never amount to anything worthy with those dreams. To earn their validation and the temporary gratification that comes with it, I do what they want. The worst part is when I still feel like I’m not enough. I’m an overachiever, I have been since I was really young; I worked extra hard to please my parents, authority figures and peers and I achieved my goals while experiencing and recovering from some really awful things. But I still feel like I’ve failed everyone and I’m not doing enough.

I’ve been told that someone will always have a problem with my decisions, I might as well do what I want. Being told to just do what I want or to do what makes me happy doesn’t process well in my head because I don’t know how and I’m convinced that I can’t. I often even feel bad asking for things I need because I’m afraid of the reaction I could receive. It’s a lot easier for me to say that I don’t want anything than wanting something that I can’t have. It’s a lot easier for others if I say that I’m doing what they asked because I want to so that when I fail, I only have myself to blame and punish. Sometimes, I feel I can trust myself because I’m under the impression that I make bad decisions. I desperately need to hear from other people that I’m doing the right thing, I need to be told what path to take. I need to be told to live for other people because I don’t think I’d live for myself. I need to be told who I am because I don’t know who that is.

I want to take the time to get to know myself, work with my neglected inner child, and learn what I really want from life and how to achieve that. Ideally, I’d like to take a break, an actual one. I’d like to receive a position in something related to early childhood/youth development and care while volunteering or interning at a mental health organization. I would love to seriously pursue Tosin Talks and even write a book or two. In the next year, I would like to attend graduate school to study counseling and eventually earn my counseling license. I want to make new friends, make new memories with old friends and reconnect with even older friends. I’m open to learning new things and picking up new hobbies. It’s evident that I know what I want and even have a basic idea of a plan—I don’t think I’ve lost my diligence and determination either, I’m just tired and need to recharge.

Despite this current issue I’m facing, I’m not worried or hopeless. I’m experiencing something that most people experience during early adulthood (although some won’t admit it and social media often gives inaccurate portrayals). I know things will get better, I know I’ll leave this dark room again, I know I’ll release myself from these chains again. I’ve made decisions for myself in the past which had positive results. For example, when I changed my major for myself, I started attending classes again and my grades began improving. Or when I started receiving therapy and finally healing. I just need to be patient and gentle with myself, I need to learn who I am and how to make more “me choices”. I’ve got a lot of work ahead of me but I’ll enjoy it because I actually want to do it.

I appreciate the support that you all have given me over the years; many of you have witnessed my darkest moments and now you’re witnessing my metamorphosis. I’m grateful to those of you who have been so kind to me even when I think I don’t deserve it. I wish you luck in whatever stage of human metamorphosis that you are in. Do not forget that we are ever-changing, you won’t feel this way forever. If you are stuck right now, you will be free eventually. If you don’t know at this moment, you will learn over time and know when the time is right. I hope the changes you undergo are for you and for the better.

*: metaphorically, not literally

[tosin-talks]

Why Can't We Be Friends: Mental Health is Societal Health, presented by GTXConnect.

I am so grateful to be a panelist at this webinar in which we discuss mental health and the ways it affects our society!