#you cant tell me because youre dead
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Paul Kalkbrenner - Sky and Sand (Official Music Video)
youtube
In the daytime
You will find me by your side
Tryin' to do my best
And tryin' to make things right
When it all turns wrong
There's no fault but mine
But it won't hit hard
'Cause you let me shine
#paul kalkbrenner#sky and sand#i miss you#i wish you were here#i wish we were together#forgetting everything#am i imagining it?#our connection?#you cant tell me because youre dead#i miss everything about you#i wish you took me with you#Youtube
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Do you ever think about how horrible of a title "Batman's Greatest Failure" is? How degrading and dehumanising? Everything you achieved in life is forgotten and reduced to the way it ended.
You aren't a person. You are a failure. Your whole life is pushed aside and made a part of someone else's life story. You never mattered, if it weren't for that person you would have meant nothing at all.
Aren't you glad? Aren't you glad you are remembered as something? Even if that something is just saying your whole existence equals just to a mistake in someone's life? An old page that everyone is so desperate to forget. A lapse in judgement. A regret. The people you saved, the people you loved, what you did in life, none of that matters. All that matters is how another person was affected by your death. That is all you will ever be. Everything you did and didn't do will always be irrevocably tied to that person, for better or worse.
You are unable to exist without that person and the only way for you to exist is through his perception of you. The only way for others to see you is to look at you through his biased interpretations of who you were.
You weren't a child or a hero or a martyr or a son or a victim. All you ever were, and will be, is someone's "Greatest Failure".
#can you tell im having Thoughts about jason again#it just came to me all of a sudden#your entire existence is described as another person's greates failure#you don't have a voice in how he tells your story#you can not correct him because yiu are dead. and even after you arent#he will never listen to you#you cant control your own story#your narrative is puppeteered by a narrator who paints you as a mistake#who HAS to paint you as a mistake because otherwise he would have to answer questions that he cannot answer lest they break him#works both in and out of universe#bruce lied abt him bc he would break otherwise#and dc lied bc otherwise ppls would start questioning batman mythos#jason todd#red hood#aditf#robin#robin jason#character meta#meta#jason todd meta#batman#batman comics
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oughh......
#laya plays dragon age#da2#oc: liam hawke#this happened a bit ago already & i wanted to draw sth for it but idk if i will finish that#but i gotta yell abt them anyway because OGH.#i have a lot of emotions about this quest ok#bartrand was the perfect scapegoat he was perfect to direct all the rage and pain at all these years#years of imagining gleeful revenge while bartrand is gloating and laughing like an evil soulless bastard#and then you meet him and he is just. a pathetic husk of a man with barely any own will left#and whats worse. varric is so so torn up about it#varric. the guy who never makes anything about him and who will always handwave and joke when something hits too close to home#drops all efforts to be smart and is just. desperate. begs hawke to not kill his brother#and liam wants to want bartrand dead so bad. he wishes he could look him in the eye and enjoy taking his life#and he knows varric will listen to him if he insisted. he knows when it comes down it it varric will yield to his decision#but he sees this broken guy who is barely the villain he kept projecting onto him and he sees varric and he sees two doomed siblings#and knows what its like to lose your sibling to your own blade#and he cant do it#and he hates it so much. but he wont do it.#and its the reason why i cant decide who dealt the killing blow for bethany bc it makes this scene juicy in different ways#if varric kills bethy its equally wanting to spare each other their siblings blood on their hands#as it is taking some form of revenge (on liams part). we both killed each others siblings. now we are even#the revenge part would still be there if liam did the blow on bethany himself. you made me do that and now i will take bartrand for it#but its also much more i know what its like. i wont make go through that too#if varric killed bethy and then also bartrand it would be more#''its my fault she is dead. i will take the revenge she/you deserves if you tell me to even though it will hurt me#dunno. all good variations i will. have to rotate them in my head more#or maybe just never decide idk they can be in canon limbo forever#anyways thats it for shouting into the void about them for now it Will happen again
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ok so while my ds is getting sand poured into it at alarming rates I'm thinking about how jrpgs in specific have a really weird desync with How Important Death Is. like some address it better than others but it very frequently happens where if you take a step back youll go "am I wild or is everybody just like, Really down with murder in this game". and consequences for said murder, especially in a characterization sense but even just actual physical consequences, don't really happen? unless it's a vehicle for conflict but like. when it is a vehicle for conflict it feels weird because why are These Guys actually taking the fact we killed somebody in broad daylight seriously and coming after us for it while all the other npcs and even the main party took it like it was another saturday evening
see I Think where the issue lies is in the fact that everything is in its own little world when you're in a battle? like. when you fight an enemy and you get leather out of it it's seen as something the enemy Drops and not. their hide. when you defeat a character in a battle it does just feel like you Defeated them. unless there's dialogue afterwards that says otherwise you don't even mentally assume you killed em you just wounded them enough to make them flee or dissolve or whatever. and it's Weird to just. have that assumption there because for a lot of games it really isn't clear if you're killing them or defeating them !!
that last point is extra important when you have the specific brand of Skittish Hero / Noble Hero Who Doesn't Kill People / Rational Hero In Way Over Their Head or whatever where you really don't think they Would kill a guy just to get them out of the way. in that case it's REALLY weird because it's hardly brought up. even if it Is brought up that that guy Sure Did Die the mc doesn't tend to actually have a reaction ??? and I don't know why this is ???? like Any written reaction would be more interesting than nothing even if the guy doesn't have a full on crisis about taking another life having them go "oh shit, The Consequences" would be nice. really anything except (oh cool we can advance the plot now).
I will also mention that Some deaths do matter plot wise but very frequently what makes them matter is how much of it is linked to an in game battle I think. if your mc just finishes a fight and comes back to the overworld and the guy's Disappeared or Dissolved or whatever it means they don't matter. if the guy's still around after the fight it means it's more significant, especially if they're still alive but wounded or Really Shaken Up. because this clears up the indistinguishable line between if a battle is lethal or not and if a character decides to deal a finishing blow now it's Way more telling of their character. even though this is basically the same thing that happened in the (killed In A Battle) scenario. just with more dialogue. I will also mention that the person who deals the finishing blow is Rarely Ever that good hearted protagonist and often they'll even go :0 at somebody else committing a murder despite them instigating and helping murder quite a few people. just. In Battle. so it's less bad. I guess.
this is leaving out the fact that in party deaths are often a Major Major Blow because like. ok that's fair. that's A Guy You Knew that's understandable. anyway I don't really know where I'm going with this I just think it's interesting how in these types of games death can swap from not mattering at all to mattering a Lot and if u don't think about it too hard u don't even question it. I'll probably be putting some examples in the tags idk
#i will note that in this specific instance most of my party Is actually super down with murder like vocally#so its less weird but it Is weird that the mc does. Not Seem The Type.#i mean not to say he should have tried to spare everybody i think its kinda neat that he doesnt but#if the fact that he doesnt was brought up at all thatd be interesting. have him acknowledge he killed a dude#but no hes just kind of standing there like (ok what next) no leaning one way or another#these would all be interesting reactions if they were actually Brought Up in dialogue but no its just. oversight#anyway this is about sand but ive also felt this about live a live and even bits of twewy#like specifically in lal the fact that the edo chapter Exists and killing people is just Battling Them made me look at Every Other Chapter#thru a lens of (okay am. am i killing these dudes.) and the answer is I DUNNO#like the guy exploded into a cloud of mist theres no way hes Not dead but its STRANGE#this felt most noticeable in the imperial china and present day chapters because they had mcs who decidedly did not feel down with murder#specifically present day because masaru is fighting this guy for the crime of killing a guys. and woa. he killed a guys. with his Hands#i think theres only a handful of deaths in lal that actually mean anything and you can tell which they are because they dont explode#like in You Know The Part with The Character I Cant Say that guys i think the only time defeating an enemy Leaves A Corpse#ok actually thats a lie the Other Guy I Cant Say in The Chapter Before That also died like that and that was equally important#s also worth mentioning that said first guy can ? also die without leaving a corpse? just turn to ash??#depending on where u go with him. which is weird right. thats weird right.#maybe that just means (hey youre not supposed to feel bad about him dying this tiiiime)#anyway its 5 am ill post this in the morning#vee shut up
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Girl like. The reason he said "this is how it should be" and faced death with a smile....is cuz he wanted to die. For 2 years he sat there thinking he was worthless and deserved to die. If he hadn’t be shot, his death would’ve been suicide, he was fully planning to die in a gutter somewhere undetected. When saying "this is how it should be" hes literally saying "don’t cry because I’m dying, my death is a good thing actually because I fucking suck and you are better off without me". I don’t think that’s badass even slightly, it’s actually really sad and really shitty. Shinjiro is so convinced that he deserves to die and hates the idea of anyone giving a shit about him because he literally can’t wrap his mind around the idea that he will be missed when he’s gone, that his death is a bad thing actually. And his last words were meant to be comforting because he fully did not intend for anyone to be there when he died, he intended to die alone, so he says them as a reminder that he’s not worth crying over
Personally, if it were me, if I was holding my dying best friend in my arms who was deeply depressed and suicidal and he said "this is how it should be" uh. I wouldn’t admire him for it??? Like am I losing my mind when I say the way this game handles Shinji is bad or is anyone else seeing this too 😰
#its like okay listen i understand the basic math of any persona game they say things and everything they say is actually#very bad when you think about it for more than 3 seconds#like what theyre intending to do with the death of this character is be like oh no your sad friend dies tragically thats so saddddd#but that doesnt mean you cant live a wonderful life full of meaning you cant let grief consume you life is beautiful awagga#and i guess shinji is a specific character whos used cuz i guess its more tragic that he never realized he was worthy of life and shit#and i guess its also like ‘dont be like this guy who let grief consume him and then died you gotta Be Different’#which i dont. love. that last part cuz if you think about shinji and what led him down this road#its like. of course hes depressed! he accidentally killed a woman with a child when he was 16!#he himself is an orphan and he just made some other kid an orphan as well and it happened cuz his persona went out of control#which very much can translate to ‘this must mean im dangerous and can hurt everyone if im not kept under control’#so of course he isolated himself and believed he was evil and became suicidal like who wouldnt feel that way#like am i supposed to be mad he left sees and took drugs cuz uh while i dont think isolation or Evil Drug is good for his mental health#i dont think him continuing to fight in sees is something he can just easily do again given how he killed someone like he shouldnt have to#be a part of this thing anymore like how would he even safely get castor to not do that??? he cant kill more people on accident!#so yeah like using shinji as an example of bad coping mechanisms is already just. a big fucking oof to me like it just feels like the game#is saying he shouldve gotten over it and simply not be suicidal and stayed on the team. idk if thats the intent but uh it wouldnt faze me#cuz persona games are notoriously awful at writing characters who are traumatized and abused#but what makes everything even worse is how the game kinda like. acts like shinjis death is a stepping stone#like we’re supposed to use it as a wake up call and understand the stakes but keep going on anyways#and akihiko and Ken get. ‘great character development’ according to the game telling you they have now developed#but damn all akihiko is is just repressed he cries for 3 seconds and then is like I SHOULD MAN UP and then neglects a depressed child#shinjis dying words are words to live by now even though they piss me the fuck off like girl am i crazy HES FUCKING#HES TELLING ME NOT TO CRY OVER HIM BECAUSE HE SHOULD BE DEAD ACTUALLY AND THIS IS A GOOD THING ACTUALLY#like if the game wants us to still find meaning in life despite losing someone it just really hurts that shinji has to die for that to work#apparently. cuz the character i see myself in is shinji. not some perfect prettyboy who does everything perfectly and has 4 gfs#his death seems like a punishment for bad behavior. the bad behavior being of course depression and drug use. and im simply supposed to be#better than that if i want to live. and we dont get to form a connection with him cuz thats gayyyyy#and his death is like a NOBLE HEROIC SACRIFICE idk its just such bullshit to me i hate it so bad#how is killing a suicidal guy and then treating it as admirable that he said ‘this is how it should be’ supposed to make me feel#makes me feel sick personally and it ruins the entire game’s theme to me because its fucking shallow and the story is bad and im tired
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um so i read force of gravity
#this fic ruined my life#i cant pick if i love it or i hate it#this line has been stuck in my brain#tell me about your dead dog baby#i am foaming at the mouth#i rlly had to draw this scene#also how the fuck do you draw blankets#because this isnt it#force of gravity#FoG byler#my art#oceanfruit444#g3othermalart
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at some point in the future:
*non vegan reading about a new vegan leather*: psh. bet it has plastic in it tho.
*scrolls down and finds out theres 0 plastic. the non vegan gets angry since now theres finally a vegan leather they dont get to complain about*: psh, bet it doesnt feel like real leather tho.
*scrolls down to find out the creators of this leather spent a lot of time to make it more "like real leather*: psh, bet they exploit their workers tho
just say you want to use animal leather and you were never going to consider an alternative in the first place, bud
#bc ik for a damn fact plenty a yall are gonna do this.#excuses excuses#ooo but im sure all that leather you buy is totally not from exploited workers either#im sure you take Great Care making sure its not 😒#and if you do. great for you! why do you think human lives and comfort is more important than animal lives and comfort btw?#you'll do anything to avoid hurting exploited workers yes? but having anything vegan now and then is just. off the table. am i right?#am i correct? have i read you for filth?#and then you'll tell me 'no ethical consumption under capitalism' yet you still try to avoid buying from exploited workers-#so seems like more or less you just say that to avoid feeling any guilt about eating or contributing to the harm of animals?#just say you value human lives more and move on.#'no ethical consumption' to some people means 'i get to say this to excuse any behaviors i do that exploit others and to justify#why im only considerate about 1 (one) thing when it comes to buying stuff'#but what if you could do more than that though- clearly you only buy from places that dont exploit their workers bc of your morals and#not bc you think it actually changes things if you believe in the 'no ethical consumption' argument#so why cant you ever acknowledge that you're harming animals or try to make excuses for why its fine? ik deep down it conflicts with#your moral outlook too. you're selective about what you think you can change because theres some stuff you're unwilling to change.#be real. its not because of capitalism. you think meat tastes good and you like how leather makes you feel Cool and Badass or whatever#you feel Punk and Rock And Roll for wearing dead animals. never mind that that fascination is hard to distinguish from southern right#wingers who love their snakeskin cowboy boots and hunt for sport.#they also feel Very Cool for wearing dead animals 😒 bb girl you're not as counter culture and punk as you think you're coming off as#at least native ppl dont generally do it to Feel Cool
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i have exactly one million questions.
#sea of gatan on betazed woah.....#five years means they hadnt separated yet (at least if you go by 12 and not 5 or 6 like b'elanna says sometimes.)#was it a family vacation? did miral take her alone?#im crafting a narrative unfortunately. miral takes her to get away for a little bit because john is becoming a little bit insufferable#and she immediately almost drowns and its literally the worst vacation of mirals life. <- she cant catch a break#or maybe they have a good time and they don't fight much yet and they're like woohoo family trip to betazed#and b'elanna almost drowns and THEN its the worst day ever for the both of them. :)#or maybe not. so many possibilities#also it must have been a public place? must have been very overwhelming for the people around them to hear the- panic and the grief#the relief after of course.#miral dont tell your father you almost drowned torres#diary#interesting that she waited until she almost died to tell her about stovokor it seems like. something you would start young- though#five is very young but i know religious couples that start younger than this#i once read a fic where miral wasnt- where it was like an issue that miral was so into the klingon religion when b'elanna was growing up#because she hadn't always been that way. it makes me do the math and like-#l'naan is dead during b'elanna's childhood because in prophecy she says that she used to pray for her grandmother when kohlar asks about it#anyway the implication was that she hadn't been so religious when she met john and its like okay my mommy died on me and my daughter#almost drowned and my husband is trying to make me and her into something that is not. What I'm Used To. lets find a crutch#and put claw marks in it! collapses
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wish i did not have to wait like 5 days to find out if i have covid bc i was only exposed today. why cant tests work immediately. i know the body doesnt work like that okay i get it but why
#text it#convincing myself im experiencing covid brain fog and therefore i have covid solely bc i have writers block lmfao#kissed my bf on the mouth this morning then he texts me i dont feel good#i say take a covid test he says i will tomorrow. i say you dumbass test right now i could be exposing everyone at work#so he does and within 30 seconds the darkest line imaginable shows up. what did i tell you. and you were gonna wait til tomorrow#also your house is gross and im having allergies because of it. or its covid. but i cant stop sneezing#what the fuck am i saying#im hungry#also 'i feel too ill to get up and take a covid test so i'll just do it tomorrow' yeah dead ringer you have covid buddy#why are men so stupid#im making myself mad i better stop
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clenching my fists the whole time and yelling SOMEONE GIVE HER AN EMMY while watching Memento Mori and then I remember it was 26 years ago and they DID give her the emmy!!!
#that bit where theyre standind huddled in some dark hallway & mulder says youre in denial about where your cancer came from#and all these women are dead#'NO they Are NOt."#the crack in her voice on the not...GOD....gets me every time#and then a bit later when theyre on the phone & mulder cant stop rambling because he too is in denial and SO so scared#and she just takes a deep breath and shuts her eyes before she tells him 'I need you to call my mom'#oh cancer arc we're really in it now </3
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//Venting in Tags:: TW Sewerslide and shit like that
#dude seriously sometimes I think I’d be better off dead. and the people around me would be better off if I wasn’t around#I know they love me they say it all the time but at the same time in the back of my head there’s just this little voice telling me like#telling me its all fake. telling me theyre only staying out of pity for me or something like that#theres so many things wrong with me and if it’s not on the inside or how I act its how Im presented#I hear it all the time ‘you need to lose weight’ or ‘your face looks bad (acne)’ or literally anything#even small shit like I got told I was feminine and it hit me like a truck#I never EVER liked myself#I cant remember a time when I did#even when I was little I knew there was something wrong with me#I genuinely cant remember a single time when I was happy with myself and my life#I love my friends more than anything#and I have family members I would do anything for#but I know damn well what a disappointment I must be. Im not productive I don’t talk to anybody irl I don’t do anything irl I’m just#lazy and gross and depressed and stupid#I hate myself I always have and I don’t think I’ll ever stop hating myself#I have a fucking suicide note written and everything because I know one of these days somethings going to happen#and I won’t be able to stand it#and I’ll do something idiotic#and I’ll find the one permanent solution to a possibly temporary problem#I don’t want to be this way but I can’t bring myself to fix anything#it’s like my mind and body won’t let me get better. maybe i was just destined to be this gross fucking thing#maybe that’s it#maybe I don’t have a purpose. maybe I was just born to suffer#who knows. maybe Im overthinking everything. maybe im fine. maybe it’s gonna be ok. but I don’t know#I just don’t know anymore#I don’t know what to do
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started yellowjackets with my family awesomeee……. lez out and kill in the woods ladies!!!!!!!!!
#also i was like. how long would it take you guys to eat someone if you were stranded like that#because ive thought abt it a lot lately esp since i watched castaway bc i think id do it right away#like not KILL someone and eat them that would take longer. but if there was an accident and people died during it id probably eat them#right away bc like. theres a whole bunch of meat going to waste. itll only attract predators for later and stink up the place if u have to#take shelter there. plus like if theres a crash it would scare away anything small you could catch in the area for a day or two so that food#option is gone. and then you have to scavenge like what if theres nothing around or u cant tell whats okay to eat#its better to eat someone fast to keep your energy up for how much work youll need to do finding shelter and water and food to survive#beyond a few days#anyways. i didnt say all this before bc i wanted their true answers and my mom said not for a very long time/probably not and my dad said#probably not WHICH SURPRISED ME BAD BC I THOUGHT HE WOULD SAY YES#and i was like. well lol. heres my opinion 🫢#idk if id actually be able to pull it off BUT. im just saying that would be the best option#better to cannibalize people already dead rather than kill someone youve gone through horrors to survive with as i always say!
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Ugh
#im going to ramble in these tags for a bit so that the potentially triggering tags#are located way way way down and no one will look at them i just#so uh yeah hows the weather anyone else having insane sinus drainage#i actually had a patient call me today worried because her nose was running and her head hurt and im like#well if it isnt getting worse and its only been a few days and you have no other symptoms you probs have sinus issues like everyone else#in this state but if youre super worried and antihistamines dont help please contact your doctor i appreciate your faith in a pharmacist#being able to diagnose over the phone but i actually legally cannot do that#are these tags long enough yet#possibly but who knows anyway if youre here uhhh tw animal death ahead#im a petsitter and have been for like. 10 years now and i share sits with my mom sometimes bc i work full time and cant always get there#anyway at one of our shared sits today she went in and one of the little cats was just#suddenly dead. like she wasnt that old and yet she was just. stiff and gone and we're both just so fucked up over it#like i wish there had been some sign and we could have saved her even though it was likely an unfixable heart defect#and her people apparently had taken her to the vet LAST WEEK and didnt bother to tell us that she seemed to be feeling poorly last week#and theyre just like oh we'll get a new cat when we come back#meanwhile my ocd has been going insane since then bc i have really bad intrusive thoughts centering on keeping my cats alive#like half of my rituals are specifically for my cats#and i just keep think about poor sammie dying alone and scared bc we werent there with her and her people had been gone since friday#and it just makes me so fucking sad my heart is breaking but i cant stop thinking about it and no distractions are working#rip sammie you were such a sweet little cat and im so sorry you had to go alone and scared
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It's p funny to me that no matter what Shepard has a good relationship with their mom when nothing further from the true with Carter.
#its complicated ™#HUGE ™#bc what if im your eldest and what if i idolize you? what if u pushed me too far? what if i started to lash out?#what if u also lashed out? what if the first battlefield i experienced was at home? also what is home? we always move out whats the point?#what if I also enlisted but also a way to get away from you? what if i got more than i bargained for? why didn't u tell me it was going to b#like this? why did you came to visit? i know im your child but why? why i cant just skip all of these and forget *all* that happened?#why i can't just go back to begin a kid and you just hugged me no reason needed?#and all those times carter just fucking died and came back alive#i think their relationship gor better after the first time Carter died (me2)#like mama Shepard finally went to the psychologist and had time to unpack all of...THAT and realizes how much hurt she caused to Carter#which fucking sucks because she thinks she's dead her eldest and only girl#the only one who could've understand her and she's gone#but then when finally its revealed that she came back again its SHOOK
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my one takeaway from law school is that people on the internet are shit awful at making arguments and have shit awful reading comprehension
#im dead serious man like not trying to be funny like it's annoying af............#idk#like it's astounding how much people can completely miss the point#and are prone to hyperbolic or completely fabricated statements because they have this... pre-existing idea of the situation or yourself#like 'just because you're -extreme statement here- doesn't mean that y' and im like but i never said i was -extreme statement here-???#u literally just made that shit up bc that's what YOU think???#and they like genuinely think theyre saying Something#and i have the annoying personality trait of needing to tell people who are wrong that theyre wrong#so yes i WILL break down every single reason why your stupid ass comment to me is wrong or irrelevant at best!#because i cant let it go!#yes i'm annoying as fuck but so are you#and at least i'm right when i do it
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if you’re so convinced you know what happened, then kill me.
#im not gonna be the one to do it.i might self harm but yall aregonna hafta kill me bc unfortunately i cant kill myself over a lie.#nor can i kill myself to appease assholes who are short sighted and are only out for bloodl#and will only ever actually question if they were wrong when im dead.#like go fuck yourselves.#since you're so intuitive and just *know*. how aboutyou kill me with that confidence#if you just know so well#i mean you would just know so well random personwho literally wasnt in the room when it happened#oh but you can just *tell* based on my vibes huh?? right? is that your metric?#yall are horrible people. please try to see your behavior from the point of view as you being a nazi doing this to trans ppl#how in tf is your behavior literally any different when you treat ppl like this in your own fucking community.#none of yall can coalition build for shit.#have fun with your hyper left friend group of 5 who agree on everything and god forbid one guy doesnt#gotta kill him or whatever yall wanna do to people#gulags the wall etc etc#freaks#im gonna continue to hate everyone i think because im still being given 0 reasons to trust and like humans#dont worry abt me 'leaving the left' im leaving humanity#fuck yall imma go swing from trees.#infact i can feel the politics leaving my body as we speak#i think ill listen to some kid cudi and smoke weed and not think about anything for 5 hours#just do nothing at all not even speak my truth or spread awareness of things#nah its cool#whatever dawg.#nothing matters after all.#oh the worlds gonna end? sorry iwas too busy becoming dependant on marijuana and watching dumb shit on tv to notice#oh well who cares#itd be cool to do something about it. but well. you see.#not much i can do to helpanyone or the world when the worlds letting me sink in mud#idk so uhm... bye.#fuck yall.
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