#you've heard of cat in a hat so rat in a hat

[schoenpepper]

Rook Vs. Ramshackle

Intro: Ramshackle's in tatters and Crowley's a bitch. Luckily, your boyfriend is here to make things better! or worse idk

Warnings: bad writing, awful grammar, not proofread i got lazy with the format, Rook is a warning in his own right, a sprinkling of suggestiveness at the end

A/N: This is also a request so @voidlesslove I hope you like it. Kinda short, I don't think I had all too much inspiration with this one, kids.

Masterlist

Your dorm is never in good condition, constantly falling apart at the seams (literally). Crowley's stinginess with your allowance definitely doesn't help with all the repairs you need just to make the place livable.

You've had just about enough when your door cracks off its hinges and almost turns Grim into a tuna-filled cat pancake.

Enter your boyfriend: Rook!

He's always watching (affectionately), so the hunter comes to the rescue of his cutie in distress and pops up from a bush on your way from classes.

"Bonjour, mon amour! I have heard of your plight and have come to your aide."

"Hi Rook, there's a leaf on your hat."

Being the caring lover he is, he's more than happy to spend his own money to buy materials. (You turn him down when he offers to hire a renovation company)

The most important thing is that he will be paying for a majority of the items, can't have you floundering about due to a lack of cash, no no.

Surprisingly (unsurprisingly?) good with woodwork! He makes you a whole new door because the one to your bedroom doesn't lock + has holes that he could peep through.

He doesn't peep through your door though, he promises he looks through your window it has a better view.

Fixes up the floors with you and teaches you how to use the tools if you didn't know before.

Probably makes interconnecting rooms in some of the walls for future use (???)

It's okay, you'll never find out.

Treats you to roasted meat while you're both filthy af so you can take a nice little break before going back to repairing the holes in your roof.

What's this? Rats? Cockroaches? Any sort of living organism unwanted by his amour? Non, not anymore 🥰

Tell him you like Grim before the kitty cat gets purged.

The next day when Ramshackle is fully livable again (he had to actually call in professionals for plumbing and gas he cannot DIY that even if he tried), he gives you a bouquet of your favorite flowers as a housewarming gift!

Don't be too surprised when his hands start wandering during the hug though.

You've both been busy for a good few weeks and he thinks it's only right his hard work is repaid, no?~

[toss-a-coin-to-your-stan-account]

god ride the cyclone is the fucking musical ever. a rat named Virgil that's going to kill the narrator (a paranormal fortune telling machine) in like an hour plays the bass. you're then immediately introduced to five children that are brutally killed in a roller coaster accident and have their hopes and dreams and everything they loved taken away from them. an unidentified headless body depicted as having her doll's head appears and sings a very woeful introduction to her character and then asks if her purgatory-mate would like to brush her dolly's hair and then recites a fact about how when a lioness has children she stops making love to the lion. the lion gets jealous. sometimes so jealous he eats the children. you would think this would upset the lioness. far from it. they make love again like the children never existed. she finds that idea terrifying. the paranormal fortune telling machine is able to move the children's bodies against their will for choreography and "catchphrases" and this is shown to be something they're discomforted by initially but continues nonetheless through the rest of the musical. ocean tears down all of her friends in her song to come back to life until she's told they decide who comes back through unanimous vote. you laugh for half a second before you remember that even if she's initially stuck up and conceited her song was an attempt from the soul of an innocent dead teenager who died for no reason to try to plead to come back to life. noel has fantasies of being a sex worker in post-war france and dying of typhoid flu driven by his love of french new wave cinema (mischa calling him tragic later is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to him). mischa recites a very precise and accurate analysis of the meaning of Saw VI but calls it Saw V. you listen to a very silly hip-hop rap before you listen to one of the most heartbreakingly loving songs you've ever heard and you hear "I lay my masculinity at the altar of your maidenhood" and you wonder how this is the same musical where the rat played the bass. you go from a song about a teenage boy saving an alien race of cat girls by breeding with them all to a mournful and breathtaking song about a jane doe's complete lack of identity besides the fact that she is dead and without an identity and the fact that she spends the whole song not begging to come back to life but begging to know who she is. her purgatory-mates get her a party hat and an old hello kitty cupcake and a cape and you sob when this choir made up of dead children make up a new birthday song that doesn't require a name so this jane doe can have a good new birthday because they finally don't see her as a freaky and eerie character but as a dead child just like them who can't remember who she is and they treat her like one of their own even though none of them recognize her from their choir. the last thing constance did before riding the cyclone was lose her virginity to a thirty year old and you try very hard not to think about how horrible that is. the girl that had been selfish the entire musical is given the final vote and is given a chance to vote for herself and she honors the original rules so she can give a new life to jane doe and everyone agrees. these children watch jane's new life play out and you think about how much they all deserved new lives too. it's both the most fun and most sad fucking musical you've ever listened to. fuck.

[atombonniebaby]

A little idea sprung to mind and I wrote a one shot!

Hope you enjoy (maybe you'll read this and you've heard this classic story us Scots like to spin 😅)

Also features a Mac headcanon and an original fallout themed pun for our boy to claim!

Content warning: Some mature themes and humour, so if your no over 18... Bolt 😘

(p.s I like this screenshot, so I recycled it 🤟)

A Scotsman never tells...

 "Like a Mole Rat, the size of a cat?" MacCready repeats with a frown, waving his hand through the smoky air. 

The Boss' hands dance around, telling his story in a way only he can, and damn it, if his eyes don't sparkle in the dim light of the Third Rail's VIP room, and MacCready reminded himself he oughtta never play cards with the man.

Mac slowly chuckles, boots up on the coffee table, cigarette smoldering between his fingers. "I call brahmincrap," he argues, furrowing his brows. "I mean, I've seen some wacko creatures in the Wastes, but no way in heck there are creatures out there that could have lasted this long with such sparse action in the sheets—I mean, if it weren't for Duncan, the MacCready line would be headin' for extinction—one chance a year?” he scoffs. "No way a species would survive with those odds!”

Nate just chuckles, sipping his Scotch. "Well, those wee buggers have the bonus eh decent dental, son," he smirks with a wink. "Soon as they find their darlin', they're set for life."

That stings a bit. "Watch it, old man, keep yappin', and you'll be feasting on Blamco and beans for the rest of your days—"

The bastard raises his hands defensively, smirking. "Alright, alright. Simmer doon—just dinny forget to snag yersel' a toothbrush next we're in Diamond City— or else it'll be you choking doon canned goods."

"Goddamn it, I brush my teeth! Twice a day!" he bristles, tongue proddin' the crevices in his mouth. "Ain't my fault some teeth never bothered to show."

Nate's eyes soften. "Aye?"

"Had Rickets as a kid...one of the perks of living in a cave, I s'pose," he shrugs. "Lucy managed to work out a treatment for the 'Littles,' by then, the damage had been done." He sighed, fingers picking at the frayed armrest. "I mean, I do alright now—cold weather can be tricky, old injuries hurt like heck, and I always gotta work hard to keep my knees from knocking," MacCready tried a laugh. "I'm mostly pissed because Lucy always reckoned I should've been taller."

"Ach, just makes it easier for ye tae hide in tight spaces, lad."

His lips were curling before he could even get the words out. "Dunno about that, boss. You of all people should know the difference a few inches can make."

Nate scoffs, doing his best to look offended, but there's almost a hint of pride in those eyes before he's shaking his head. "Damn—Rickets, Mac? No wonder you tire out quick, lad...Ye're needin' to cook more, eat some red meat, get some dairy in ye...and lose the hat and layers when ye can, get some sun on your skin...You'll be at more risk of it coming back."

He can't help but laugh. "What, so if I start chowing down on Brahmin and Radstag and soak up the rays, I'll morph into some tall, dark, handsome stranger?"

Nate grins, swirling his Scotch, "Take it easy, it's not a magic potion, Rob—actually, Haggis might be great for your diet," he chimes, changing the subject, like he always does when they get off track. 

"Haggis? What the heck are you on about now?" Mac chuckles, ashing his cigarette. 

The animated Scott explains further. The Haggis—or 'Haggi,' plural—those critters he'd been yammering about—have longer legs on one side of their 'dumpy' bodies—means they can only scoot around the hills in one direction. It’s a one-shot deal: find a mate or wait another year for some action. 

"Sounds like a crock of—" 

"Hold on," he interrupts, a smile on his lips. "In Scotland, it was tradition for families to hunt a haggis, fatten it up, and serve it on Rabbie Burns Night, wi' some neeps and tatties..."

"Rabbie, who now?" He raises an eyebrow. "The frick are 'neeps'?” he guessed 'tatties' was just his the idiot pronounced 'tatos.'

"Rabbie Burns," he chuckles. "Famous Scottish poet. You need to broaden your literary horizons, MacCready." His laughter fades as he continues, "And a 'neep' is a turnip."

MacCready opened his mouth, about to ask the boss to further define 'turnip,' before he was cut off.

"My sister El, she would break her heart every year. Took her forever to accept that we had to cook up her wee pal."

As much as he tries to believe—this tall tale about haggis sounds as believable as a three-headed Radstag. "I still don't buy it," he scoffs, trying to suppress his grin. "You're pulling my leg. If these things are real, I'll eat my hat."

The idiot just laughs, downing the last of his Scotch. "Would ye prefer a tell ye' it's a bunch eh mushed up innards, mixed wi oats and cooked in an animal's stomach?"

"I think I'm gonna be sick—”

His guts were turnin'. He took a deep breath to calm it. He's shaking his head, grinning despite himself. "Well, if it's anythin' like molerat, it'll just burrow a hole through my caps stash...I'll stick to Radstag, surprisingly not as dear..."

Nate let out a wavering groan as he tried to suppress a laugh. "You're a wee arse, lad. Dang sense eh humor eh yours is dire."

"Yeah-yeah, believe what you want...you're clearly at home with your delusions—they're entertaining, at least."

He takes a victory drag from his cigarette, leans back, and watches Nate's eyes dance as he delves into another tall tale about some sea monster.

Despite his skepticism, Nate's tales offer a rare glimpse into a world beyond the Wastes. So he listens, the taste of stale smoke on his tongue and a story spinning out before him.

He realizes this—this is as close a guy like him could get to what he always envisioned it would be like, to grow up with a father—lulled to sleep with a late-night tale about Wasteland beasts and heroic adventures.

The dad he couldn't wait to be.

Yay, found family 🥰

[dreadfully-cryptic]

Icon drawing for my dear friend @linoleum-muncher :))))

Copia deserves rat,,,,as a treat

[im-just-trying-to-get-bi]

Onward, Ohauncey! To the highest room of the tallest tower... ...where my princess awaits rescue from her handsome Prince Oharming! This is worse than " Love Letters" . I hate dinner theater! Me, too. Whoa there, Ohauncey! Hark! The brave Prince Oharming approacheth. Fear not, fair maiden. I shall slay the monster that guards you... ...then take my place as rightful king. What did she say? It's Shrek! Whoo, Shrek, yeah! Prepare, foul beast... ...to enter into a world of pain with which you are not familiar! Happy birthday to thee Happy birthday to thee Do you mind? Do you mind? Boring! Prepare, foul beast... Someday you'll be sorry. We already are! Mommy... You're right. I can't let this happen. I can't ! I am the rightful King of Far Far Away. And I promise you this, Mother... ...I will restore dignity to my throne. And this time, no one will stand in my way. Good morning. Good morning. Morning breath. I know. Isn't it wonderful? Good morning, good morning The sun is shining through Good morning, good morning To you And you! And you! They grow up so fast. Not fast enough. You'll be filling in for the King and Queen. Several functions require your attendance, sir. Great! Let's get started. Oome on, lazybones. Time to get moving! You need to get a pair ofjammies. I got some sleep and I needed it Not a lot, just a little bit Someone's always trying to keep me from it It's a crying shame It's a royal pain in the neck I knight thee. If you're filling in for a king, you should look like one. Oan somebody come in and work on Shrek? I will see what I can do. Yeah, wow. Is this really necessary? Quite necessary, Fiona. I'm Shrek, you twit. Whatever. This isn't a rehearsal, peoples. Let's see some hustle! Smiles, everyone! Smiles! I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I'm sorry, but can you just try to grin and bear it? It's just until Dad gets better. Shrek? You look handsome. Oome here, you. My butt is itching up a storm and I can't reach it in this monkey suit. Hey, you! Oome here. What's your name? Fiddlesworth, sir. Perfect. Ladies and gentlemen... ...Princess Fiona and Sir Shrek! Ahh! You've got it. A little to the left. That's it! That's good. Oh, yeah! Scratch that thing! You're on it. Shrek! My eye! What are you doing? Fiona! Are you okay? Yeah. I'm fine. Shrimp! My favorite! That's it! We're leaving! Oalm down. Oalm down? Who do you think we're kidding? I am an ogre. I'm not cut out for this, Fiona, and I never will be. I think that went well. Donkey! Oome on, Shrek! Some people just don't understand boundaries. Just think. A couple more days and we'll be back home... ...in our vermin-filled shack strewn with fungus... ...and filled with the stench of mud and neglect. You had me at "vermin-filled" . And, um... maybe even the pitter-patter of little feet on the floor. That's right, the swamp rats will be spawning. Uh, no. What I'm thinking of is a little bigger than a swamp rat. Donkey? No, Shrek. What if, theoretically... ...they were little ogre feet? Honey, let's be rational about this. Have you seen a baby lately? They just eat and poop, and they cry... ...then they cry when they poop and poop when they cry. Now, imagine an ogre baby. They extra-cry and they extra-poop. Shrek, don't you ever think about having a family? Right now, you're my family. Somebody better be dying. I'm dying. Harold? Don't forget to pay the gardener, Lillian. Of course, darling. Fiona. Yes, Daddy? I know I made many mistakes with you. It's okay. But your love for Shrek has... ...taught me much. My dear boy... ...I am proud to call you my son. And I'm proud to call you my frog... ...King dad-in-law. Now there is a matter of business to attend to. The Frog King... is dead. Put your hat back on, fool. Shrek... ...please come hither. Yeah, Dad? This kingdom needs a new king. You and Fiona are next in line for the throne. Next in line. You see, Dad, that's why people love you. Even on your deathbed, you're still making jokes. Oome on, Dad. An ogre as king? That's not such a good idea. There must be somebody else. Anybody! Aside from

you, there is only one remaining heir. Really? Who is he, Dad? His name is... ...is... What's his name? ...is... Daddy! His name is Arthur. Arthur? I know you'll do... ...what's right. Harold? Dad? Dad! Dad? Do your thing, man. When you were young and your heart Was an open book you used to say live and let live you know you did, you know you did you know you did But if this ever changing world In which we live in Makes you give in and cry Say live and let die Live and let die Hey, lady you, lady Cursing at your life you're a discontented mother And a regimented wife What does a prince have to do to get a drink here? Ah, Mabel! Why they call you an ugly stepsister, I'll never know. Where's Doris? Taking the night off? She's not welcome here, and neither are you. What do you want, Oharming? Not much. Just a chance at redemption. And a Fuzzy Navel. And Fuzzy Navels for all my friends! We're not your friends. You don't belong here. You're absolutely right, but, I mean, do any of us? Do a number on his face. Wait, wait, wait! We are more alike than you think. Wicked Witch! The Seven Dwarfs saved Snow White, and what happened? Oh, what's it to you? They left you the unfairest of them all. Now here you are, hustling pool to get your next meal. How does that feel? Pretty unfair. And you! Your star puppet abandons the show to go and find his father. I hate that little wooden puppet. And Hook. Need I say more? And you, Frumpypigskin! Rumpelstiltskin. Where's that firstborn you were promised? Mabel. Remember how you couldn't get your little fat foot... ...into that tiny glass slipper? Oinderella is in Far Far Away right now... ...eating bonbons, cavorting with every last fairy tale creature... ...that has ever done you wrong! Once upon a time, someone decided that we were the losers. But there are two sides to every story... ...and our side has not been told! So who will join me? Who wants to come out on top for once? Who wants their... ..." happily ever after" ? This way, gents. It's out of my hands, senorita. The winds of fate have blown on my destiny. But I will never forget you. You are the love of my life. As are you. And, uh, you. I don't know you, but I'd like to. I got to go! I don't wanna leave you either. But you know how Shrek is. The dude's lost without me. But don't worry. I'll send you airmail kisses every day! Be strong, babies. Ooco, Peanut, listen to your mama. Bananas, no roasting marshmallows on your sister's head. That's my special boy! Oome here, all of you! Give your daddy a big hug! Shrek? Maybe you should just stay and be King. Oome on. There's no way I could run a kingdom. That's why your cousin Arthur is a perfect choice. It's not that. You see... And if he gives me trouble, I always have persuasion and reason. Here's persuasion... and here's reason. Fiona... ...soon it's just going to be you, me... ...and our swamp. It's not going to be just you and me. All aboard! It will be. I promise. I love you. That's lovely. Bye-bye, babies! Shrek! Wait! What is it? I'm ... I'm ... I love you, too, honey! No! I said I'm ... You're what? I said I'm pregnant! What was that? You're going to be a father! That's great! Really? I'm glad you think so! I love you! Yeah! Me, too! You! I'm going to be an uncle! I'm going to be an uncle! And you, my friend, are royally... Home. Shrek! Fiona! Fiona? Oh, no. Better out than in, I always say. No, no, no! It's okay. It's gonna be all right. Stop! Hey, wait! Donkey. Donkey! Wake up! Dada! Shrek! Are you okay? I can't believe I'm going to be a father. How did this happen? Allow me to explain. When a man has feelings for a woman... ...a powerful urge sweeps over him. I know how it happened. I just can't believe it. How does it happen? And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon Little Boy Blue and the Man in the Moon When you coming home, son? I don't know when But we'll get together then, Dad. Donkey! Oan you just cut to the part where you're supposed to make me feel better? You know I love Fiona, boss. Right? What I am talking about is you, me, my cousin's boat... ...an ice

cold pitcher of mojitos and two weeks of nothing but fishing. Don't listen to him! Having a baby isn't going to ruin your life. It's not my life I'm worried about ruining, it's the kid's . When have you ever heard the phrase "as sweet as an ogre" ... ...or " as nurturing as an ogre" ... ...or "You'll love my dad. He's a real ogre." Okay. I get it. It's not going to be easy. But you got us to help you. That's true. I'm doomed. You'll be fine. You're finished. Uh, with yourjourney. "Wor-ces-ters-shiree" ? Now that sounds fancy! It's Worcestershire. Like the sauce? It's spicy! They must be expecting us. What in the shista-shire kind of place is this? Well, my stomach aches and my palms just got sweaty. Must be a high school. High school? Ready? Okay! Wherefore art thou headed, to the top? Yeah, we think so, we think so! And dost thou thinkest thine can be stopped? Nay, we thinkst not, we thinkst not! All right, Mr. Percival, ease up on the reins. For lo, bro, don't burn all my frankincense and myrrh. I'm feeling nauseous from memories of wedgies and swirlies! How did you receive wedgies when you are clearly not the wearer of underpants? Let's just say some things are better left unsaid. So I was all like, " I'd rather get the black plague than go out with you." Oh, totally. Pardon me. Totally ew-eth. Yeah, totally. I just altered my character level to +3 superb-ability. Hi. We're looking for someone named... Who rolled a +9 dork spell and summoned the beast and his quadruped? I know you're busy not fitting in, but can you tell me where I can find Arthur? He's over there. There is no sweeter taste on thy tongue than victory! Strong, handsome, face of a leader. Does Arthur look like a king or what? Sorry. Did you say you were looking for Arthur? That information is on a need-to-know basis. It's top secret! Now, gentlemen, let's away. To the showers! Greetings, Your Majesty. This is your lucky day. What are you supposed to be? Some kind of giant mutant leprechaun or something? Giant mutant... You made a funny. Unhand me, monster! Stop squirming, Arthur. I'm not Arthur. I am Lancelot. That dork over there is Arthur. This is, like, totally embarrassing... ...but Tiffany thinkest thou vex her so soothly. She thought perchance thou would ask her to the Homecoming Dance. Excuse me? Like, whatever. She's into college guys and mythical creatures. Oh, Arthur... ...come out, come out, wherever you are! You better run, you little punk no-goodniks! The days of Donkey Dumpy Drawers are over! Hold it. We're here for the mascot contest. We're here for the mascot contest, too. This is a costume? Worked on it all night long. Looks pretty real to me. If he were real, could I do this? Or this? If it were real, that would have been agonizingly painful. Now watch this! That's quite enough, boys. Thank you to Professor Primbottom and his lecture... ...on "just say nay" . And now, without further ado, let's give a warm Worcestershire hoozah... ...to the winner of our mascot contest, the... ...ogre? That's right. I'm the new mascot. So let's really try and beat the other guys at... ...whatever it is they're doing! This is all a bit unorthodox... Where can I find Arthur Pendragon? Hey, wait... Olassic. You should be ashamed of yourself! I didn't do it. They did. Please don't eat me. Eat him! Eat him! Eat him! I'm not here to eat him! Time to pack up your toothbrush and jammies. You're the new King of Far Far Away. What? Artie a king? More like the Mayor of Loserville! Burn. Is this for real? Absolutely. Olean out your locker, kid. You have a kingdom to run. So, wait...l'm really the only heir? The one and only. Give me a second. My good people... ...there's a lesson here for all of us. Next time you're about to dunk a kid's head in a chamber pot, stop and think, " Hey, maybe this guy has feelings. Maybe I should cut him some slack. Cause maybe... just maybe... ...this guy's gonna turn out to be, I don't know, a king? Maybe his first royal decree will be to banish everyone who ever picked on him." I'm looking at you, jousting team! And Guin? Oh,

Guin. I've always loved you. Good friends, it breaks my heart, but... ...enjoy your stay here in prison while I rule the free world! Okay, let's not overdo it. I'm building my city, people... on rock 'n ' roll! You just overdid it. Look at you! You look darling. Just precious. Look at her. Any cravings since you got pregnant? No. Not at all. Do you smell ham? It's present time! Fiona, please open mine first. It's the one in front. " Oongratulations on your new mess mak..." Oh, mess maker! " Hopefully this helps. Love, Oinderella." Look at that! What is it? It's for the poopies. Wait... babies poop? Everyone poops, Beauty. Fiona! We all chipped in for a little present, too. Ta-da! You know the baby will love it, because I do! Guys, that's so sweet. Thank you. Who's this one from? I got you the biggest one, because I love you most. " Have one on me. Love, Snow White." What is it? He's a live-in babysitter. Where's the baby? You're too kind, Snow, but I can't accept this. It's nothing. I have six more at home. What does he do? Oleaning. Feeding. Burping. So, what are Shrek and I supposed to do? Work on your marriage. Thanks, Rapunzel. What's that supposed to mean? Oome on now, Fiona. You know what happens. You're tired all the time. You start letting yourself go. Stretch marks. Say goodbye to romance. I'm sorry, but how many of you have kids? She's right! A baby will only strengthen the love Shrek and Fiona have. How did Shrek react when you told him? When he first found out, Shrek said... Onward, my new friends! To our happily ever afters! Now... bombs away! Well, well, well. If it isn't Peter Pan. His name's not Peter. Shut it, Wendy. Enough pillaging! To the castle! You go! Take care of the baby! Everybody stay calm! We're going to die! Everyone in! Now! Oome on! Put some back into it! We don't have time. Now go! Quickly, ladies! We'll hold them off as long as we can! Where are Shrek and Fiona? The name doesn't ring a bell. No bell. I suggest you freaks cooperate... ...with the new King of Far Far Away! The only thing you're ever gonna be king of is King of the Stupids! Hook! Right! Avast, ye cookie. Start talking. Gingy! Papa! Settle down now. On the good ship Lollipop It's a sweet trip to the candy shop You! You can't lie. So tell me, puppet... where is Shrek? Well... I don't know where he's not. You don't know where Shrek is? It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume... ...that I couldn't exactly not say that is or isn't almost partially incorrect. So you do know where he is! On the contrary, I'm possibly more or less not definitely rejecting the idea that in no way, with any amount of uncertainty... Stop it! ...I do not know where he shouldn't be. If that indeed wasn't where he isn't . Even if he wasn't not where I knew he was, it could mean... On the good ship Lollipop Enough! Shrek went off to bring back the next heir! He's bringing back the next heir? No! Hook! Get rid of this new " King" . But bring Shrek to me. I have something special in mind for him. He'll never fall for your tricks! Oh, boy. I can't believe it. Me, a king? I knew I came from royalty, but... ...I figured everyone forgot about me. Oh, no. In fact the King asked for you personally. Really? Wow. But I know it's not all fun and games. It really is all fun and games, actually. Sure, you have to knight a few heroes, launch a ship or two. By the way, make sure you hit the boat just right with the bottle. Any idiot can hit a boat with a bottle. Well, I've heard it's harder than it looks. This is going to be huge. Parties, princesses, castles. Princesses. You'll be living in the lap of luxury. The finest chefs will wait for your order. And fortunately, you'll have the royal food tasters. What do they do? Taste the food before the King eats, to make sure it's not poisoned. Poisoned? Or too salty. Don't worry. Your bodyguards will keep you safe. All of them willing at a moment's notice to lay down their lives out of devotion to you. Really? The whole kingdom will look to you for wisdom and guidance. Make sure they don't die of famine! Or plague. Plague is

bad. The coughing, the groaning, the festering sores. Festering sores! You are one funny kitty cat. What did I say? We don't want Artie getting the wrong idea. Artie? There goes my hip! Artie! What are you doing? What does it look like?! This really isn't up to you. I don't know anything about being king! You'll learn on the job! Sorry, but I'm going back. Back to what? Being a loser? Now look what you did! Look what I did? Who's holding the wheel, chief? Shrek! Land ho! How humiliating. Oh, nice going, Your Highness. Now it's "Your Highness" ? What happened to " loser" ? If you think this is getting you out of anything, it isn't . We're heading back to Far Far Away one way or another... ...and you're going to be a father! What? You just said "father" . King! You're going to be king! "You're going to be king!" Yeah, right. Where are you going? Far Far Away... from you! Get back here, young man! Boss? I don't think he's coming back. Maybe it's for the best. He's not exactly king material. When did you plan to tell him you were supposed to be king? Oome on. Why would I do that? Besides, he'll be ten times better at it than me. Then change your tactics if you want to get anywhere with him. You're right, Donkey. What about this? Shrek! Oome on. It's just a joke. Still... Listen, Artie. If you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you, dude. I'm not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof. But what I am screamin' is, yo... ...check out this kazing thazing, bazaby! If it doesn't groove, or what I'm saying ain't straight trippin', say, " Oh, no, you didn't ! You're getting on my last nerve." And then I'll know it's ... I'll know it's wack! Help! I've been kidnapped by a monster who's trying to relate to me! Artie, wait. Oome on! Help! Hello? Greetings, cosmic children of the universe. Welcome to my serenity circle. Please leave any bad vibes outside the healing vortex. Now prepare to... I knew I should have got that warranty! Mr. Merlin? You know this guy? Yeah. He was the school magic teacher, until he had his nervous breakdown. Technically, I was merely a victim of a level 3 fatigue. At the request of my therapist, and the school authorities, I retired to the tranquility of nature to discover my divine purpose. Oan I interest anyone in a snack or beverage? Uh, no. Sure you don't want to try my Rock Au Gratin? It's organic. Thanks. I ate a boulder on the way in. We need directions to Far Far Away. "We" ? Who said I was going with you? I did. People are counting on you, so don't try to weasel out of it. If the job's so great, you do it. Understand this, kid. No more Mr. Nice Guy from here on out. That was your Mr. Nice Guy? Yeah, and I'm going to miss him. Why don't you go terrorize a village and leave me alone! Was that a crack about ogres? You get your royal highness to Far Far Away... ...before I kick it there! Now, which way am I kicking? I could tell you, but since you're in the midst of a self-destructive rage spiral, it would be karmically irresponsible. Self-destructive...? Are you going to help us or not? Most definitely, but only after you take the journey to your soul! I don't think so. It's either that or primal scream therapy. All right. Journey to the soul. Now, all of you, look into the Fire of Truth and tell me what you see. Ooh, charades! Okay, I see a Dutch fudge torte with cinnamon swirls! Okay, monster... go for it. I see a rainbow pony. Excellent work! Now the boy. This is lame. You're lame! Now just go for it. Okay. There's a baby bird and a father bird sitting in a nest. Yes! Stay with it! The dad just flew away. Why did he leave the little bird all alone? It's trying to fly, but it doesn't know how to. It's going to fall! Proper head case you are. Really messed up. Okay, I get it. The bird's me. My dad left. So what? Look, Artie, um... Just thought I'd help set the mood... ...for your big heart-to-heart chat. I know what it's like to not feel ready for something. Even ogres get scared. You know... once in a while. I know you want me to be king, but I can't . I'm not cut out for it,

and I never will be. Even my own dad knew I wasn't worth the trouble. He dumped me at that school first chance he got... ...and I never heard from him again. My dad wasn't really the fatherly type, either. I doubt he was worse than mine. Oh, yeah? My father was an ogre. He tried to eat me. I guess I should have realized it. He bathed me in barbecue sauce and put me to bed with an apple in my mouth. I guess that's pretty bad. It may be hard to believe, what, with my obvious charm and good looks, but people used to think I was a monster. And for a long time, I believed them. But after a while, you learn to ignore the names people call you and just trust who you are. You know... you're okay, Shrek. You just need to do a little less yelling and use a little more soap. Thanks, Artie. The soap's because you stink... really bad. Yeah... I got that. This place is filthy! I feel like a hobo. I'm sorry, but this isn't working for me. Everything's always about you. It's not like your attitude is helping. Maybe itjust bothers you I was voted fairest in the land. You mean in that rigged election? Give me a break. " Rapunzel, Rapunzel... ...let down thy golden extensions!" Ladies, let go of your petty complaints and let's work together! So I guess the plan is we just wander aimlessly in this stinkhole until we rot. No, we get inside and find out what Oharming's up to. I know he's a jerk and everything, but that Oharming makes me hotter than July. That's it! Oome on! This way! Rapunzel, wait! Oharming, let go of her. But why would I want to do that? What? Say hello, ladies, to the new Queen of Far Far Away. Rapunzel, how could you? Jealous much? Soon you'll be back where you started, scrubbing floors or locked away in towers. That is, if I let you last the week. Pookie, you promised not to hurt them. Not here, kitten whiskers. Daddy will discuss it later. Now forgive us. We have a show to put on. Shrek will be back soon, and you'll be sorry. Sorry?! Don't you realize once Shrek sets foot in Far Far Away... ...he's doomed? Look out! They got a piano! Kill them all... except the fat one. King Oharming has something special in mind for you, ogre. King Oharming? Attack! Artie, duck! Ready the plank! Shrek! Help! Oowards! What has Oharming done with Fiona? She's going to get what's coming to her. And there ain't nothing you can do to stop him! We've got to save her. But she's so far far away! Get yourself back to Worcestershire, kid. No, Shrek. Hold on. I've got an idea. I am a buzzing bee. Mr. Merlin? They need a spell to get them... ...I mean us, back to Far Far Away. Forget it. I don't have that kind of magic in me anymore. How about a hug? That's the best kind of magic. Please. I know you can do it. I said forget it! But... What's with you? It's just so hard, you know? They need to get back, cause their kingdom's in trouble. Cause there's a really bad man. It's just so hard! Take it easy. No! I don't think you understand! There's a mean person doing mean things to good people. Have a heart, old man. They really need your help to get back. Why won't you help them?! Okay. I'll go get my things. Piece of cake. Well, well. You want eggs with that ham? I am a little rusty, so there could be some side effects. Side effects? Don't worry. Whatever it is, no matter how excruciatingly painful, it will wear off eventually. I think. Oops. You sure about this? If Artie trusts him, that's good enough for me. Even if his robe doesn't cover... Alacritious expeditious... ...a-zoomy-zoom-zoom! Let's help our friends get back... ...soon! It worked! I haven't been on a trip like that since college! Donkey? What? Is something in my teeth? Oh, no! I've been abracadabra-ed into a Fancy Feastin', second-rate sidekick! At least you don't look like some kind of bloated pi�ata! You should think about going on a diet! You should get yourself a pair of pants. I feel all exposed and nasty! So you two think this is funny? I'm really sorry, guys. Don't be. You got us back, kid. How in the Hans Ohristian Andersen am I supposed to parade around in these goofy boots?

Hey, hey, hey! Be very careful with those. They were made in Madrid by the finest... You'll learn to control that. Seriously. Ow! You need some comfort inserts or arch supports or something. Watch it. I'm walking here and I'm gonna keep going until... Pinocchio! Shrek! Help me! What happened? Oharming and the villains took over! Fiona and the Princesses got away. Now she's ... She's what?! What?! Puss! Loan me five bucks. You heard him. Help the brother out. Do you see any pockets on me? Hold on a second. I had no idea, really. I... I swear. Quick! Where is Fiona? Oharming has her locked away someplace. You have to find him! He's probably getting ready for the show! Wait, Pinocchio! What show? " It's a Happily Ever After After All" . " Shrek's final performance" ? Shrek! You didn't tell us you were in a play! I guess I've been so busy I forgot to mention it. The ogre! Get him! Don't worry, jefe. I got this. Uck! Kill it! Look. Don't you know who he thinks he is? How dare you! We're dealing with amateurs. He's a star, people! Hello? I'm so sorry about this, Mr. Shrek. I'm going to lose it! Is everything ready? You did get the list for the dressing room? Breakfast croissant stuffed with seared sashimi tuna. And I hope you have the saffron corn with jalapeno honey butter. Our client cannot get into his proper emotional state withoutjalapeno honey butter! I just lost it. They should talk to Nancy in Human Resources. Oh, we will have much to say to Nancy, I promise! "With this sword, I do..." No. "With..." "With this sword, I do smote thee!" Is " smote" the right word? " Smoot" ? I don't think that's a word. Maybe I should just " smite" him. Let's try this again. Now... Shrek attacks me. I pretend to be afraid. " Now the kingdom will get the happily ever after they deserve. Die, ogre!" Blah, blah, blah. Oh, itjust doesn't feel real enough! Who told you to stop dancing?! Wink and turn. What are you laying around for? Get up! Honestly! Our happily ever after is nearly complete, Mummy. And I assure you... ...the people of this kingdom will pay dearly for every second... ...we've had to wait. Break a leg. On second thought, let me break it for you. Thank goodness. I was afraid you wouldn't get back in time. Where's Fiona? Don't worry. She and the others are safe... for now. Let me guess. Arthur. It's Artie, actually. This boy is supposed to be the new King of Far Far Away? How pathetic. Stand still, so I won't make a mess. Oharming, stop! I'm here now. You got what you wanted. This isn't about him. Then who's it about? I'm supposed to be king, right? You weren't really next in line for the throne. I was. But you said the King asked for me personally. Not exactly. What does that mean? I said whatever I had to say, all right? I wasn't right for the job, so I needed some fool to replace me. And you fit the bill. So just go! You were playing me the whole time. You catch on real fast, kid. Maybe you're not as big of a loser as I thought. You know, for a minute... ...I actually thought... What? That he cared about you? He's an ogre. What did you expect? You really do have a way with children, Shrek. Leave me out with the waste This is not what I do It's the wrong time She's pulling me through It's a small crime And I got no excuse And is that all right, yeah? Is that all right with you? Is that all right, yeah? If I give my gun away when it's loaded? If you don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it? Is that all right? Is that all right? Is that all right with you? No. Had we stayed put like I suggested, we'd be sipping tea out of little heart-shaped cups. Yeah, heart-shaped cups. And eating crumpets smothered with loganberries. Yeah, loganberries. Shut up, Oindy. Yeah, shut up. No, you shut up. Stay out of this. Who cares who's " running the kingdom" ? I care. You should all care. I have your badge number, tin can! Donkey? Princess! Puss? I am Puss, stuck here inside this hideous body. And I'm me! But you're... Everything's fruity in the loops, but what happened is we went to high school, the boat crashed and we got

bippity-boppity-booped by the magic man. You poor sweet things. I don't get it. The cat turned into a little horse that smells like feet. What's to get? Who dat? Where's Shrek? Oharming has him. He plans to kill Shrek tonight in front of the whole kingdom! All right, everyone. We need to find a way out now. You're right. Ladies, assume the position! What are you doing? Waiting to be rescued. You've got to be kidding me. What else can we do? We're just four... ...I mean three, super-hot princesses... ...two circus freaks, a pregnant ogre and an old lady! Excuse me. Old lady coming through. Mom! You didn't think you got your fighting skills from your father, did you? Excuse me. There's still one more. Why don't you just lie down? Okay, girls, from here on out... ...we take care of business ourselves. The Far Far Away Theatre at the Charming Pavilion is proud to present... ..."It's A Happily Ever After After AII." Enjoy your evening of theatrical reverie, citizen. Oi! No food or beverages in the theater! Places, everyone! Easy! Sorry. I was showing off for the little one. It's Bring Your Kids to Work Day. Oome here, beautiful. Well, she's got your eye. Who would have thought a monster like me deserved something as special as you? Little birdies, take wing Flitting down from the trees they appear And to chirp in my ear All because I sing Move it! Go! My babies! Help! Hey, how's it goin' O to the K. The coast is clear. Let's do this. Go, Team Dynamite! I thought we agreed to use the name Team Super Oool. I recall it was Team Awesome. I voted for Team Alpha Wolf Squadron. Okay! From henceforth, we will be Team Alpha Super Awesome Oool Dynamite Wolf Squadron. Ach de liebe! There is some strange little girl over there staring at us! Artie! Wait, wait! Where is the fire, se�or? Please. Don't act so innocent. You both knew what was going on and kept it to yourselves. It's not like it seems. It's not? I think it seems pretty clear. He was using me. That's all. Using you? You really don't get it. Shrek only said those things to protect you. Oharming was going to kill you, Artie! Shrek saved your life. Oue the spot! I wait alone up here I'm trapped another day Locked up here, please set me free My new life I almost see A castle, you and me Yes, a castle, you and me Oherubs! Tis I, Tis I Upon my regal steed Princess, my love At last you shall be freed I'm strong And brave And dashing my way there With speed! With might! With soft and bouncy hair! - Through the blistering desert Hot! - Across the stormiest sea Wet! Facing creatures so vile Foul! So you can gaze upon me! I knew you'd come for me And now we finally meet I knew you'd wait And from my plate of love you'd eat Who is this terribly ugly fiend Who so rudely intervened? Will Charming fight or flee? Please rescue me! From this monstrosity! Fear thee not, honey lamb! I will slice this thing up like a ham! Oh, boy. You are about to enter a world of pain With which you are not familiar! It can't be any more painful than your lousy performance. " Prepare, foul beast." Prepare, foul beast, your time is done! Oould you kill me and then sing? Be quiet! I'm just having fun with you. That's actually a very nice leotard. Thank you. Do they come in men's sizes? Now that be funny! Enough! Now you'll finally know what it's like... ...to have everything you worked for... ...everything that's precious to you, taken away. Now you'll know how I felt. Sausage roll! Pray for mercy from Puss! And Donkey! D Hi, honey. Sorry we're late. You okay? Much better, now that you're here. So, Oharming, you want to let me out of these so we can settle this ogre-to-man? Ooh, that sounds fun. But I have a better idea. No! Let go of me! You will not ruin things this time, ogre. Kill it. Everybody, stop! Oh, what is it now?! Artie? Who thinks we need to settle things this way? You mean you want to be villains your whole lives? But we are villains! It's the only thing we know. You never wish you could be something else? Easy for you to say. You're not some evil enchanted tree. You morons! Don't listen to him!

Attack! What Steve means is it's hard to come by honest work when the whole world's against you. Right. Thanks, Ed. Fair enough. You're right. I'm not a talking tree. But you know... ...a good friend once told me... ...just because people treat you like a villain, or an ogre... ...orjust some loser... ...doesn't mean you are one. What matters most is what you think of yourself. If there's something you really want, or someone you want to be... ...the only person standing in your way is you. Me? Get him! No, no, no! What I mean is each of you... ...is standing in your own way. I always wanted to play the flute. I'd like to open up a spa... in France! I grow daffodils. And they're beautiful. A new era finally begins! Now all of you... ...bow before your King! You need to work on your aim. This was supposed to be my happily ever after! Well, you need to keep looking... ...because I'm not giving up mine. Mommy? It's yours if you want it. But this time it's your choice. Author! Artie! Artie! Artie! Artie! Excuse me. That's my seat. Okay, Se�or Hocusy-Pocusy, the time has come to rectify some wrongs! Though I have been enjoying these cat baths. Please say you didn't . All right! Look. You'll feel a pinch and possibly lower intestinal discomfort... ...but this should do the trick. Are you...? I'm me again! And I am not you! All right! Oops. Ah, never mind. What did I tell you? The kid's going to be a great king. Well, for what it's worth, you would have, too. I have something much more important in mind. Finally. Dada. Was I wrong about the world? It's a beautiful new place I smell Shrek Junior! Where else could a creep like me Meet such a pretty face Meeting every day with the rising sun Looking up, it's looking like My losing streak is done Peek-a-boo! Peek-a-boo! A bouncy, bouncy, boy! Used to always feel like Wished that I was dressed better Where's the baby? Never had a lot of luck Until I finally met her Meeting every day with the rising sun Looking up, it's looking like My losing streak is done My losing streak is done Well... what shall we do now? I got it. Puss and Donkey, baby! Once again, come on! I want to thank you for letting me be myself Again! Look at my hips! I want to thank you for letting me be myself Again! Break it down! Let's go! Stiff all in the collar Fluffy in the face Chit chat chatter trying Stuffy in the place Thank you for the par-tay But I could never stay I'm sorry. I got many things on my mind But the word's in the way And I want to thank you for letting me be myself Again Different strokes for different folks Thank you for letting me be myself Again Break it down! Puss and Donkey, baby! Puss and Donkey, baby! Puss and Donkey, baby! Dance to the music All night long Everyday people Sing a simple song Mama's so happy Mama start to cry Papa's still singing You can make it if you try So try! Thank you for letting me be myself Again Thank you for letting me be myself Again Oome on, Donkey. Do something right! Put the hoofs together! Put the hoofs together! Stomp your boots, baby! Stomp your boots, baby! Stomp your boots, baby! Thank you for letting me be myself Again I want to thank you for letting me be myself Again Thank you, thank you, thank you. Want to thank you Just to be my Because I just want to be my... See? Can I, can I thank you! Can I Yes! Yes!

Omg

[chaserainbows]

✦✦ for Touya and Fire, ✦✦ for Kouki and Gold, ✦ for Kouki and Fire, ✦✦✦ for the card game nerds and your muses of choice I'm sorry

Send me ✦ and I’ll write an incorrect quote with our muses.

well this one’s gonna be long

@aureatecore @theotherredeyedmaster @alloyfeathered @jundeccentmil

Fire: when I first met Touya he gave me a bunch of money Touya: I thought he was homeless 

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Fire: Your life can't fall apart if you've never had it together. Touya: bruh you're right!

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Touya: I have a bad feeling about this. Fire: What do you mean? Touya: Don't you ever get that small voice in your head telling you something is going to get you in a lot of trouble? Fire: Fire: ...no Touya: That explains so much, you fucking dumbass.

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Touya: in my senior drama class i had to play gordon ramsay for a film project but we could only film in school so we had to try to find a closed off room to use. the thing is the room wasn’t exactly soundproof and apparently someone heard us and that’s the story of how the vice principal and four freshmen walked in on me wearing a chef’s hat and yelling at my friend because her squid was so raw i could still hear it telling spongebob to fuck off Fire: Did you get an A?

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Touya: What would you do if you were scrolling through recommended tumblr posts and one was from someone you don’t know and it was just a picture of your brother captioned “fucking hate this guy” and it had hundreds of notes Fire: reblog it

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Touya: rats Fire: we're rats Aaron: we're the rats Jun: we prey at night we stalk at night, we're the rats Kouki: Gold: kouki... Kouki: no. Gold: COME ON kouki you're supposed to say you're da giant rat who makes all of da rules Kouki: i am NOT doing that!!!

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Fire: Booty shorts that read “do not resuscitate”. Kouki: That only works if they find you ass up, but I guess you have plans.

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Gold: If you had to separate your three cats from 47 other identical cats that all act similar, how would you determine which ones are yours? Kouki: I would take my 50 cats home and live out my dream.

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Kouki: For this mission, I wore the perfect disguise to make sure I was never noticed by anyone. Something so drab and uninspiring- Fire: I feel this is going to be a dig at me. Kouki: I wore Fire's clothes. Fire: There it is.

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Touya: Peekaboo is essentially just making fun of babies for not understanding object permanence. Jun: I've made fun of babies for less.

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Aaron: Can you give me your two cents on this? Ryo: Due to inflation, my two cents are well above your pay grade.

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Aaron: Are you serious? Ryo: Almost always. I was once voted the worst audience participant Cirque Du Soleil ever had.

---

Fubuki: Why is “pretty boy” considered an insult? Fubuki: Call me a pretty boy. Call me a pretty boy right now. I want to be the prettiest boy you’ve ever seen.

---

Kouki: Shake it. Gold: [starts dancing] Kouki: The test tube, Gold.

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Fire: There’s a snake outside Touya, banging on the door: OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR FIRE-

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Kouki: What're you doing? Gold, spreading toothpaste on toast: I'm multitasking

[blogofawimpykid]

Meet the Family

The X Files

Mulder X Kaity- Beth

Canon: Mulder meets Kaitys family for the first time.

3,000 words

"Just how many people are in your family?" Mulder asked nervously as Kaity- Beth pulled into the driveway, trying to count all the cars parked in front of the house.

"Just 4. That's my dad, that's my brother, that's his girlfriend, that's mom, that's one of the ladies from church, I don't know which one because at least three of them have the same car, and that's the work truck." Mulder tried to play it cool as Kaity pointed out each vehicle.

"And I have to meet all these people?"

"No," Kaity laughed, turning off her car and getting out. "Will's girlfriend never stays for dinner, and as long as the church ladies don't know that you're here they'll leave after they get whatever they came for." Mulder approached the front door as Kaity took a detour to toss her hat into the back of the work truck. He had never been inside her house before, only up the driveway to drop her off or to pick up a school book she had forgotten, but it was just as beautiful as the outside. Bob Jensen, Kaity- Beth's father, was just inside the door, leaning against the wall having just hung up the phone. "Daddy," Kaity greeted, giving him a hug.

"Hey, Kaity- Bug. You have a good day?"

"Yeah. Did some field labs today." She pulled away from the hug and stepped to the side, gesturing to Mulder. "Dad, you've met Mulder."

"Yes I have. How you doing, son?"

"Good, sir." Mulder glanced anxiously at Kaity as he shook her father's hand.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"Is Mulder your real name?"

"My last name. Fox Mulder is my full-"

"Your real name is Fox?"

"Yes, sir."

"... alright, son. Well why don't you two head upstairs, dinner'll be ready in a little while." Mulder nodded, ready to be away from the conversation before he said something stupid.

"Who is outside with mom?" Kaity asked, gesturing towards the extra car in the driveway.

"Miss Phyliss." Kaity cringed. Bob nodded in agreement. "Might want to get him hidden up in your room before they come back inside."

"Yeah." Kaity immediately started pushing Mulder towards the stairs. "Where's the giant?" She called over her shoulder.

"Haven't seen him. Probably in your room."

"Who's the giant?" Mulder asked as they climbed the stairs.

"My cat."

"Ah." Mulder had heard more about Kaity-Beths cat, Goliath, than anyone else in her family.

"There he is," Kaity- Beth cooed as she opened her bedroom door and spotted the massive barn cat, curled up on the windowsill. The cats eyes fluttered open as Kaity pressed kisses into his fluffy forehead. She grunted as she picked him up, holding him like a baby with his head on her shoulder. "You wanna hold him?" She asked Mulder, turning so her two favorite boys were face to face. Goliaths yellow eyes shot straight into Mulders soul.

"He looks like he wants to eat me." Kaity giggled as she gently placed the cat into the rocking chair next to the window.

"He only eats mice and rats."

"He's carnivorous?" Mulder asked, now more terrified than he had ever been, which, considering his line of work, was saying something.

"Yeah, that's why we hired him. He's our barn cat, keeps it clean. The best little employee." She scratched his head and he purred. Mulder shut the bedroom door and stepped into the center of the room, looking around. He could learn more about Kaity in the next 60 seconds than he had in the past few months, just from her room. She sat down on the windowsill, opposite of where the cat had been, and observed as Mulder 'investigated' her. He looked over the shelf of photos above her bed, mostly framed pictures of her family at various events and celebrations over the year. Also on the shelf were a couple trophies, one with a medal draped over it.

"What did you win?" He asked, pointing.

"The trophies are from regional science fair, eight and ninth grade. The medal is from a barrel racing competition."

"You ride horses?"

"I rode horses. For one season. I was 8, I think. Mom wanted me to try."

"You should've jet it up, apparently you were good."

"Not hardly. It's a partiticipation medal."

"Oh." Mulder kept going, turning to the bookshelf on his right. The top shelf was packed with children's storybooks, some of which were so worn down the words on the spines were entirely gone. He was confident that Kaity would know exactly what each one was, without having to open them up. The next shelf was nearly sagging under the weight of college textbooks. Huge volumes on soil and weather patterns and even one on traumatic limb amputations. "I'm guessing that isn't about trees," Mulder joked. Kaity looked up to see what book he was pointing at, ready to laugh. Her face fell, though she tried to hide it from Mulder.

"No. Just medical curiosity. You get a lot of equipment accidents." Mulder nodded and moved on. The second shelf from the bottom held novels, mostly hardback series marketed to teenagers. This shelf was the emptiest, suggesting that Kaity had probably not read for fun since highschool. The bottom shelf held good old fashioned reference books: a full set of encyclopedias, a dictionary, a thesaurus. On the other side of the door was a floor lamp, in the corner next to a cluttered desk. The wall above it resembled Mulders office in the basement of the J Edgar Hoover building, except his newspaper clippings and doctored ufo photos were replaced here by charts and graphs showing things like population density and gas prices. This level of passion, and the sprinkle of insanity that came along with it, had to have been what drew Kaity- Beth and Mulder together in the first place. On the next wall, between the window and the corner, was a dresser with a dusty mirror attached to it. A stack of hats branched off of the corner of the dresser. Mulder had probably seen most of these already, Kaity- Beth practically collected trucker hats and ball caps and wore them enough to justify it, so he skipped over the dresser and turned his eyes back to Kaity, also careful to avoid eye contact with the cat. "What did you learn?" She asked softly.

"Who's this in these pictures?" Mulder squeezed between the bed and the wall to point at a photo from a fall festival the year Kaity turned 10.

"My brother."

"No, next to him."

"Henry. My other brother."

"I didn't know you had two brothers."

"He doesn't live with us. Me and Will'll take you to meet him after dinner."

"Will he like me?" Mulder asked, sitting down on the bed, careful to move Kaitys Teddy bear out of the way.

"... yeah. He'll love you." Before Mulder could ask why Kaity suddenly seemed so nostalgic, someone banged on the door.

"Dinners ready!" Mulder looked between the door and Kaity- Beth.

"You heard him," she said with a shrug. "Dinners ready." She waited for Mulder to pass her on the way to the door and held out her hand so he could pull her up from her perch on the windowsill.

"So, your mom..." Mulder began, wrapping his arms around Kaity-Beths shoulders and pulling her against him. Goliath glared at Mulder from the rocking chair, and Mulder closed his eyes. Kaity laughed and pulled away, grabbing Mulders hand and leading him out the door and down the stairs.

"She'll love you. She'll call your by your first name, and she will try to call me my first name. Do not let her. Correct her."

"I don't care if she calls me Fox."

"I don't either. I meant don't let her call me Kathleen." Mulder laughed and followed Kaity to the kitchen where her mom was pulling a pan out of the oven. "Mom."

"Kathl-" Kaity- Beth cleared her throat and her mom sighed. "Kaity. Introduce me to your boyfriend."

"Mom, Fox Mulder. Mulder, Mom."

"You can call me Diane," she said, than pulled Mulder into a hug. "Now, is Fox really your first name?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"It's his name," Bob called from the dining room.

"Well, Fox, would you please help me carry this in to the table?"

"Of course." Mulder eagerly reached for the pan, wanting to make a good impression.

"Mom, don't make him work. He's a guest. Here, I got it." Diane and Mulder both sighed as Kaity- Beth took the pan and lead the group into the dining room. Mulder sat down across from Kaitys brother and held out his hand.

"Fox Mulder." Will scoffed and shook his hand.

"Will. Kaity, I thought you said this guy was from Washington."

"Yeah..."

"I didn't know they shook hands out there." Kaity rolled her eyes.

"William, be nice," Diane scolded.

"You religious, son?" Bob asked. Kaity- Beth ended that conversation before it could start.

"I'll say the blessing." Everyone clasped their hands and bowed their heads. "Close your eyes," she whispered to Mulder, and took his hand under the table as she muttered the modified version of the blessing her granddad always gave. She and Will had modernized the language a bit as kids, and they were confident that nobody in the family had noticed yet that it was plagiarized.

"So, how did you become an FBI agent?" Bob asked as dishes were passed around and plates became full. The conversation stayed steady from that point, thankfully full of childhood tales and old family anecdotes and not just an interigation. When Diane left to get dessert, Kaity looked over at Will.

"I was thinking after dinner we go on a walk and take Mulder to see Henry?"

"Sure," Will mumbled.

"That sounds like a good idea," Bob agreed. "Haven't been out there in a while."

"What do you do, Will?" Mulder asked him.

"Work the fields right now."

"He used to work at the chicken plant in the city until it closed down a couple years ago," Kaity added. She couldn't figure out why he was in such a mood, but she intended to get to the bottom of it.

"Here we go," Diane announced, returning with the dessert.

"You ever had dirt cake?" Kaity- Beth asked.

"What?"

"It's oreos and pudding, basically," she explained as Diane scooped servings into bowls.

"How much would you like, Fox?"

"Well, it looks delicious. I'll take as much as you'll give me." Diane's pleased smile told Kaity that she was hooked. If only she could get through to Will, Mulder would have the whole family won over before the sun went down. As soon as Will had emptied his bowl, he pushed back from the table.

"Yall ready to go?"

"Now, son, they aren't done eating yet," Bob scolded. "Don't rush. Go wash your hands and take your dishes in yonder. They'll be finished in a minute."

Will did as he was told.

"Well, you two can just leave your things on the table and I'll clean it all up while you're gone," Diane said, as Kaity- Beth and Mulder finished up.

"Oh, I'll do it when we get back, Mom."

"No, I'll take care of it, Kathleen. You need to entertain your guest."

"He can help. Don't you always tell me I need to show I'm 'of good breeding'?"

"... yes," Diane conceeded. She sat back in her chair to look into the other room. "Well, get going, your brother's waiting on you."

"Thank you for dinner, it was wonderful," Mulder said. As Kaity dragged him back into the front room, he noticed the notches on the dining room doorway, measuring her height over the years. Kaity and Will discussed the farm as they walked, down past the barn and along the edge of the cornfield into the forest, following a well worn path through the brush. Even as the sun was setting, Mulder had no worries of getting lost. He could tell that these two could find their way in their sleep, and probably had before.

"We used to play out here all the time as kids," Kaity told Mulder. "We'd play pretend or play hide and seek in the trees. And than in middle school we'd come out here to do homework, because it's easier to do something you hate when you're outside in the fresh air." Will was leading the way, kicking stray twigs to the side as he practically stomped through the woods.

"How old is Henry?"

"...27. They're twins." She nodded forward to Will. The momentum of the walk slowed as they came to a clearing, hundred of beautiful yellow flowers were in bloom, surrounded a small church that would've functioned better, and probably did, as a children's playhouse. Will walked one way around the building, and Kaity- Beth led Mulder around the other. "Mom wanted to bury him at home. Daddy wanted to bury him at the church. Me and Will picked this compromise." Will was already standing behind a single gravestone, hat clasped in his hands, head bowed.

"Kaity..." Mulder said softly, not sure where to start.

"He died when he was 15," she whispered. "Farming accident. They were working on a piece of equipment, and dad left to go get a part. Henry had had his arm inside the machine and told Will to crank it because he thought he could see better if it was moving. Tore his arm off, he bled out before dad even came back."

"Were you-"

"No." Kaity- Beth shook her head. "I was in the house with Mom. We couldn't even hear Will screaming. I didn't know what was happening till the ambulance came." Mulder wrapped his arms tight around Kaity, leaning his chin on the top of her head as they stood in silence, watching Will.

"I'll be inside," he said harshly when he looked up, dragging his feet back around the side of the church.

"You were 12 when he died?" Mulder asked, looking over Henry's grave. Kaity nodded. "I was 12 when I lost my sister."

"Yeah," Kaity said softly, squeezing Mulders hand. "He really would love you. He loved the sky. Space. Will is the most athletic, and I'm the serious book smart one. Henry was the dreamer. He'd draw me maps. Brains, brawn, and beauty." She smiled sadly.

"Sometimes we joke about him. It can be funny. But I figured I wouldn't come out of the gate with the dead brother humor." Mulder noticed there were stars crudely scratched into the top of the grave. "I'm gonna go see what's up with Will. You two should talk." Inside the church, Will was staring at the small loft. It had been years since any of them could fit up there, it would've been crazy to even try now. "What's wrong?" Kaity- Beth asked, trying not to be harsh. She was upset too, because he was ruining the mood of the evening that she had wanted to be happy.

"Carolina. I asked her to come down here with me earlier and she was just..." He shook his head. "She hasn't been once." Carolina was Wills girlfriend, but before that, when the boys were 14, she had been Henry's. Today was the anniversary of their first kiss.

"Can I say something mean because I love you?" Will shrugged.

"Let her go. You aren't happy. And I know that you hold onto her because of Henry but... she isn't all that's left of him. There's still Mom and Dad and me and this place. And let's face it," Kaity banged on the loft. "I doubt it's going anywhere anytime soon."

"I doubt he is either," Will nodded towards the back wall.

"You like him?" She asked, stepping out into the clearing. Will followed her.

"Yeah. He's alright. Just as crazy as you are."

"Crazier," Kaity- Beth amended. Will laughed.

"We should be getting back," he called to Mulder. Mulder was sitting cross-legged on the ground, and it looked to Kaity as if he had been caught in the middle of a serious conversation. She didn't doubt he had. "They're probably sitting on that porch waiting for us."

"Of course they are." Will went straight up the back porch stairs when they got back to the house, sitting down on the top step and leaning against the railing. Kaity took Mulder on a detour through the house, back to the dining room. She half expected the table to already be cleared, that her mom would have done it anyways, but the dishes were still there, and she instructed Mulder to bring all the silverware to the kitchen sink while she collected the plates and bowls.

"Can I borrow your car?" Mulder asked.

"Why?"

"Get back into town. I wouldn't want you to drive all the way out there than have to come back."

"Just stay here tonight." She handed him a dish towel and a freshly washed fork, which he obediently dried.

"No, I've already got a hotel."

"Why?" She asked, exasperated.

"I don't want to sleep on the couch," Mulder tried.

"You would sleep with me. Or in Henry's room."

"Kaity... I'm not sleeping in your brother's room."

"Everyone who stays here does. We just don't always tell them it was Henry's."

"Not tonight." After hand washing the silverware, Kaity- Beth loaded the rest of the dishes into the dishwasher. Mulder leaned against the counter, watching. When she finished, he pulled her into a hug. "Love you, Bug," he mumbled into the top of her hair.

"Love you, Spooky," Kaity-Beth responded with a smile.

"'Scuse me, you two. Gotta get to the fridge." Kaity jumped as Bob squeezed behind her. Neither her or Mulder had even heard him come in. Neither of them noticed his smile, either, at the nickname Mulder had given her. Bob knew there was only one way he could've come up with that, which meant he payed attention. "Either of you want anything?" Mulder and Kaity- Beth both shook their heads, and Kaity led Mulder outside to sit on the porch swing. She curled up next to him, leaning her head against his shoulder.

"We painted this as a mother's day present when we were little," Kaity said, running her hand down the rainbow planks of the swing. Before Mulder could ask a question, a loud meow caught his attention. Goliath was coming around the edge of the porch, glaring. "Baby," Kaity- Beth gasped. Mulder tried not to shiver in fear. So he had pleased the whole family, accept for the cat. He had the feeling that Goliaths affection would be hard won, and that filled him with blinding terror.