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[teddyoverthinks]

Theme: everyday courage, apology, denial, blame

Sacred reading with fanfiction—you don’t need to be part of the fandom to understand this post. Everything will be explained.

hopeful prayer format

Let me realize and admit when I’ve allowed my expectations to justify my own laziness, to cover my own fear.

self-assuring affirmation format

I can realize and admit when I’ve allowed my expectations to justify my own laziness, to cover my own fear.

willful vow format

I will realize and admit when I’ve allowed my expectations to justify my own laziness, to cover my own fear.

original excerpt

Necessary Context: In this The Hobbit fanfiction, Nori helps Bilbo pick out a betrothal gift. This was an issue because the dwarves couldn’t tell Bilbo of their customs until he was officially betrothed to a dwarf, but he could not become betrothed without initiating said custom. Nori intervenes because he cares about his friends’ love more than respecting the letter of the traditions. Dwalin approaches Nori afterward—basically, he assumed that Nori would propose if he wanted to marry Dwalin, and so did not propose himself. He summarizes what he has done in the following quote.

“‘But now I think maybe I've allowed my expectations to justify my own laziness, to cover my own fear.’”

—Issaro, Affairs of the Heart

[warnings: this work contains (untagged) implied/hypothetical dubious consent, and (tagged) briefly mentioned Fíli/Kíli. My page is not a fic recc page, but I do recommend reading this fic if the warnings don’t put you off. It’s well written, sweet, and the characterization is extremely compelling.]

prayer in practice

Dwalin is one of my favorite characters from Tolkien extended canon. He exemplifies courage and loyalty, but he makes a lot of assumptions and tends to jump to conclusions. The fanfiction Affairs of the Heart explores how that habit can actually disrupt his courage and loyalty in the context of his romantic relationship with Nori. 

We should all consider the way our expectations influence our self-justified behavior. How much of our worldview and actions do we base off of assumption and pre-judgement? How does that affect our relationships with our courage? Our loyalty?

We have opportunities to be courageous and loyal every day. It is not usually related to a life threatening quest. When the opportunities are relatively mundane, they can be harder to view as challenges. It’s less of an ultimate test and more of an ongoing daily choice to be there for the people you care about, to be the kind of person you want to be. It’s about dependability. 

The textual example of Dwalin’s challenge is a marriage proposal. This is one of the biggest declarations of loyalty which the average person might still make. It takes a good deal of courage to overcome the associated fear, and a good deal of willpower. 

I don’t believe in laziness. Laziness is a hypothetical force of negative will, which makes no sense. It is simply that sometimes, the positive will we do have is not enough to complete a task. I don’t think contributing a lack of will to a personal deficit is in any way helpful. 

It may certainly be said that sometimes we perceive our own lack of will as a personal deficit. I believe that his lack of willpower is what Dwalin is concerned with in-text. He takes the burden of his choices upon himself. 

Dwalin doesn’t apologize for the things that scared him, or the things that undermined his willpower. He not only apologizes for allowing himself to ignore his fear and lack of will; Dwalin also apologizes for justifying that ignorance with an excuse that placed all of the expectation for action on his partner.

This apology is really about the blame that Dwalin placed on Nori. That blame had come from a place of willful misunderstanding. In Dwalin’s unwillingness to act, he had relied on stereotypes he knew better than to believe. Dwalin knows Nori better than anyone; he is one of the few people who could realize Nori’s hidden taste for romance. 

It is hard to do what Dwalin did. It is hard to realize that we have been lying to ourselves, and it is even harder to take the next step and rectify it. But it is always important to try to self reflect, to attempt to apologize and—if it isn’t too late—to do the thing we were avoiding. It is my intention that this prayer helps with that.

click for an explanation of sacred reading prayers

In her book Praying With Jane Eyre: Reflections on Reading as a Sacred Practice, Vanessa Zoltan explains and demonstrates how she treats literature as sacred text. I highly recommend reading this book, as it’s incredibly interesting, helped me grow as a person, and (obviously) explains the concept far better than I will hope to, especially in this one paragraph. In short, though, the idea is that sacred texts aren’t accessible to everyone—some of us have religious trauma, for example—but there are other ways to find spiritual expression. In Praying With Jane Eyre, Zoltan references scenes from Jane Eyre, Harry Potter, Little Women, and The Great Gatsby where most sermons would reference the preacher’s chosen holy book. I grew up hearing sermons that referenced Christian bible stories, and I’d get caught up in obsessing over the historical inaccuracies, glossed-over atrocities, and various other discomforts with the text. Sometimes, I’d totally miss the whole point of the sermon, beneficial or no.

I should clarify that Zoltan’s process isn’t about forming religions around books not intended to be religious material. She doesn't pray to Jane Eyre, she prays with Jane Eyre. It’s like, instead of mentioning a story about how David faced Goliath, she mentions a story of how Jane Eyre faced her abusive aunt. And sometimes she prays with a quote from the book, the quote being along the lines of ‘I have what it takes to survive this’. Also, Zoltan doesn’t assume that everything in the text is good— for example, she doesn't assume that the ending is a happy one (which would have troubling implications). She simply assumes that there's a lesson within the text.

Zoltan’s process works much better for me than any associated with the organized religion I grew up with, but I’m not as close to the text of Jane Eyre as she is. I also found myself uncomfortable with treating Harry Potter as sacred, so Zoltan’s podcast Harry Potter and the Sacred Text was, unfortunately, not for me. 

So, I decided to begin collecting quotes from what I do read! I read a lot of fanfiction, and the google doc filled with excerpts got long fast. I wasn’t really sure what I planned to do with the quotes for a while, but I knew I wanted to share them with the world. Ultimately, I wanted to write sermons which pull from fanworks as well as personal anecdotes (and likely various copywrite-protected literature and media, too)—but this took time and practice, and I wanted to start sharing my prayers and excerpts immediately. So, this account has a mixture of prayers, one or two full sermons, quotes with sacred reading in the tags, and discussions on sacred reading and retold stories that I have with my friends.

The prayers Zoltan mentions are typically in the format I call ‘affirmations’. This is, of course, a lovely way to pray, but I found myself translating the language back to something I’m more familiar with. I don’t typically address a deity by name, but I do tend toward the hopeful ‘let this happen’ format.

In my posts, I plan to always include Zoltan’s self assuring ‘I am enough/I will survive’ affirmation format, as well as my hopeful ‘let this happen’ prayer format and willful ‘I will work to make this happen’ vow format. Personally, I cycle through all of them, because I think all three versions of the prayer are important to internalize.

[teddyoverthinks]

A Conversation With My Tarot Deck

Teddy: How do I approach my budding relationships?

Queen of Wands: By being an independent extrovert. By bringing passion to your projects, by being a leader.

Teddy: How can I be friends with the new people in my life? It’s already such a challenge.

Six of Cups: you’re yearning—

Teddy: for the future?

Six of Cups: for the past. You’re nostalgic for something you maybe never truly had in the first place.

Teddy: *has to take a deep breath*

King of Cups: You should be diplomatic and connect with others.

Teddy: Ok. Maybe starting a club will help me have more options to do that. Should I attempt this social and creatively challenging venture?

Seven of Cups: You have copious opportunities and dreams of the future, but you’re struggling to make a choice.

Four of Swords: You’re taking a mandatory rest. Maybe you’re even struggling to make a choice.

Teddy: ...Well, it’s great to hear from the social and challenge suits. But I already knew all that. Should I decide imminently, or keep pondering?

Four of Cups: You have a willful blindness; you’re withdrawing from community and relationships. Maybe this is a time of reflection... But you definitely are not seeing from other points of view.

Teddy: Well... What will happen once I decide?

Ace of Pentacles: It’s an opportunity for sure. You might gain in resources!

Two of Swords: This challenge has a blind crossroads. You can’t know all of the possible outcomes, this makes the choice pretty hard. 

Teddy: girl... ok. AND? [ngl I forget the exact question, but this was the vibe].

Two of Cups: You have a beautiful budding relationship, two things coming together on equal footing. It could be two facets of yourself, a romantic relationship, a friendship...

Teddy: In context, I’m pretty confused about what this indicates... Can you tell me more about that relationship?

The Hermit: You should spend some time alone with your knowledge and your wisdom. You may have to use your wisdom to re-calibrate your belief system and your knowledge.

Teddy: *tries to throw the card away because I was imagining it meant a social relationship*

The Empress: “You find yourself faced with a clear answer, although it might not be the one you hoped for”.

Teddy: *puts The Hermit back in the spread*

The Empress: You have something to nurture. You must give enough of yourself to sustain life, but not too much. Be careful not to smother the personality of the person, project, relationship, or situation that you are caring for.

Teddy: Oh okay. I guess this could mean I need to wait and take care of myself before jumping into the new things.

Teddy: *tries to end the reading*

Five of Pentacles: You are isolated and lacking resources. This could be in some way the result of your own choices.

Teddy: So you’re saying I should reach out, socially?

The Lovers: YOU HAVE A CHOICE!!!! THINK ABOUT IT!!!

Teddy: *Elijah Wood maximum baffled laugh*

[teddyoverthinks]

Theme: forgiveness

Here is a prayer developed from a fanfiction excerpt, presented in three formats and as the original excerpt. Then a short essay on how the prayer might be used. For anyone new to my page, I then include an explanation of sacred reading and why I use fanfiction of all things to do it.

hopeful prayer format

Let me both create and earn forgiveness.

Let me rebuild and reforge anew, better than before. Let me remember that forgiveness isn’t something that just happens. It isn’t one decision, one moment captured in time with the eclipse of epiphany. Let me understand that forgiveness is something you have to choose, again and again, actively, freely. Let me understand that forgiveness is something you earn, something you build, brick by tedious brick, out of the broken remains of hurt and loss and betrayal. Let me achieve not the absolution of guilt, but the chance at a new beginning.

self-assuring affirmation format

I can both create and earn forgiveness.

I can rebuild and reforge anew, better than before. I can remember that forgiveness isn’t something that just happens. It isn’t one decision, one moment captured in time with the eclipse of epiphany. I can understand that forgiveness is something you have to choose, again and again, actively, freely. I can understand that forgiveness is something you earn, something you build, brick by tedious brick, out of the broken remains of hurt and loss and betrayal. I can achieve not the absolution of guilt, but the chance at a new beginning.

willful vow format

I will both create and earn forgiveness.

I will rebuild and reforge anew, better than before. I will remember that forgiveness isn’t something that just happens. It isn’t one decision, one moment captured in time with the eclipse of epiphany. I will understand that forgiveness is something you have to choose, again and again, actively, freely. I will understand that forgiveness is something you earn, something you build, brick by tedious brick, out of the broken remains of hurt and loss and betrayal. I will achieve not the absolution of guilt, but the chance at a new beginning.

original excerpt

Necessary Context: In this The Hobbit fanfiction, Thorin suggests they start over in order to achieve mutual forgiveness. Bilbo knows that isn’t exactly possible, but the idea gives them both hope. Bilbo self reflects that he thinks it is possible for them to both create and earn forgiveness, as well as:

“Rebuild and reforge anew, better than before, because forgiveness isn’t something that just happens. It isn’t one decision, one moment captured in time with the eclipse of epiphany. Forgiveness is something you have to choose, again and again, actively, freely. Forgiveness is something you earn, something you build, brick by tedious brick, out of the broken remains of hurt and loss and betrayal. Not the absolution of guilt, but the chance at a new beginning.”

—storyforsomeone, Something to Start With

prayer in practice

I love reading fics about forgiveness, accountability, and a relationship being built on mutual recovery. I romanticize healthy apologies and I love enemies to lovers. It really is a beautiful thing, when people can overcome harm and find love and understanding instead.

There are, hopefully obviously, levels to this which are acceptable in fiction yet not preferable in a real life relationship. I also think that in real life, many relationships built on mutual healing should stay far from romantic commitment. Furthermore, some conversations about accountability work better without any mention of forgiveness because it’s too associated with allowing bad behavior to continue. In this conversation, it’s impossible to drop the word entirely, and I don’t want to. It’s important to clarify, though, that when I use the term forgiveness here, I strictly mean a healthy forgiveness, one in conjunction with accountability.

That is how “forgiveness” is used in the excerpt. It is assumed by the speaker (Bilbo) that the forgiveness he and Thorin want is a healthy one. They will work together to earn it and build a shared, mutual forgiveness for their series of personal betrayals toward the end of their canon story. Working on mutual forgiveness is hard and deserves loads of discussion, but today I want to focus on the internalized part. 

We don’t need to work directly with the other person in order to both forgive and be forgiven. The whole process of forgiveness depends on the internal process of dedicating ourselves to “rebuilding and reforging” a better future. This internal process is always a step toward healing.

In some cases, the internal process is the only step accessible. Sometimes the other person in a conflict walks away entirely, and there is nobody to process with; nobody to apologize to; nobody to tell us they acknowledge and apologize for the harm they caused. Sometimes we have to do it all on our own. 

I’m going through a version of that right now. It’s hard. I have to heal from a failed relationship with people who I can’t talk to. I can’t ask if they’re sorry for their side of the failed relationship; I have to forgive myself for my side even though there is no way to know whether they have forgiven me. 

I try to begin, maintain, and end relationships with honest communication. It’s rare that this is how anything ends for me, especially such a significant relationship. I still spend long portions of my days wandering through the “broken remains of hurt and loss and betrayal”. There is a lot of guilt, shame, confusion, fear, anger, and grief that I have to sort through before I get a rare flash of relief or hope.

I think that’s what really spoke to me about the above excerpt. “It isn't one decision...you have to choose, again and again, actively, freely.” Every time I get stuck in a spiral of grief, be it a familiar one or one I haven’t seen before, I need to find a way out. 

Usually, my way out of the grief spiral is some form of forgiveness for myself or for my ex partners. Sometimes, it’s an entirely new angle of forgiveness—the exit from the spiral is one I haven’t previously found. Some other times, I find myself having the same internal conversations over and over again. 

I guess step one is usually taking a deep breath and letting go of the issue. I wouldn’t say I can set it free, but I can set it aside. I can interrupt that train of thought even if I can’t end the internal argument. The thing I use to interrupt that train of thought? I remember the “new beginning” I am creating. I ground myself in the present.

Then I come back to the bricks I’m laying for the future. I have a short list of concrete things I want to change in how I interact with people and how I let people interact with me. When I’m upset, it's not usually the time to work on that list in any active way. But I remind myself that it exists, that I have a blueprint for accountability and better habits.

You might have noticed that, unlike some of my other, shorter prayers, I don't claim to directly come back to this prayer in times of crisis. That’s mainly because it’s such a long one. I don’t have it memorized. It doesn’t make the easiest mantra, though I’m working a few of the phrases into my emotional vocabulary. I can’t just interrupt myself with it, though maybe somebody else could use it that way. Possibly someone could isolate the bolded first sentence of the prayers, which is a good thesis, if a prayer can have a thesis.

This is a great prayer as a whole, though. It’s been healing to write this and intentionally consider my internalized process of forgiveness. I’m going to come back to this regularly and read it aloud to myself. Internalization, in my opinion, is more important than memorization.

explanation of sacred reading, fanfiction prayers, and what I do...

In her book Praying With Jane Eyre: Reflections on Reading as a Sacred Practice, Vanessa Zoltan explains and demonstrates how she treats literature as sacred text. I highly recommend reading this book, as it’s incredibly interesting, helped me grow as a person, and explains the concept and process more thoroughly than I do here. 

In short, the idea is that sacred texts aren’t accessible to everyone—some of us have religious trauma, for example—but there are other ways to find spiritual expression. In Praying With Jane Eyre, Zoltan references scenes from Jane Eyre, Harry Potter, Little Women, and The Great Gatsby where most sermons would reference the preacher’s chosen holy book. I grew up hearing sermons that referenced Christian bible stories, and I’d get caught up in my discomfort with the text. In some ways, that protected me from internalizing the biases of the religious community. Yet it also kept me from taking comfort in the words that genuinely helped others through hard times.  

I feel the need to clarify that Zoltan’s process isn’t about forming religions around books not intended to be religious material. Instead of mentioning a story about how David faced Goliath, she mentions a story of how Jane Eyre faced her abusive aunt. Sometimes, she prays with a quote from the book by adapting the words of the text into a self-affirmation. Zoltan doesn’t assume that everything in the text is good—for example, she doesn't assume that the ending of Jane Eyre is a happy one (which would have troubling implications). She simply assumes that there's a lesson buried within the text.

Zoltan’s process works much better for me than any associated with the organized religion I grew up with, but I’m not as close to the text of Jane Eyre as she is. I also found myself uncomfortable with treating Harry Potter as sacred, so Zoltan’s podcast Harry Potter and the Sacred Text was, unfortunately, not for me. I decided to begin collecting quotes from what I do read—which, okay, I’m an English major, so I could have used folk tales or ancient epic poems or twentieth-century short stories, because I do read plenty of those. It would work fine with any of them. Sacred reading even helps me understand folk tales from the audience’s perspective. 

But I also read a lot of fanfiction, and I wanted to think about it in a new way. Fanfiction is a modern method of retelling stories. The act of retelling a story over and over is evidence that it is important to a great deal of people. Fanfiction is, legally speaking, not for profit. In this capitalist society that means people are telling these stories solely because they want to. That, in my opinion, creates an exponentially more spiritually honest work than one edited and sold to a publisher. Fanfiction writers, especially those who use the archive, trust that their target audience will find them. 

I don’t mean to put fanfiction on a pedestal. It has its pitfalls. Frankly, when I started, I thought I would get no more than a few good quotes, mainly from the really long fics. I didn’t expect my google doc of fic excerpts to grow to 200 pages and counting within a few months. But it did. Fic writers impressed me over and over once I began to look.

I wasn’t really sure what I planned to do with the quotes for a while, but I knew I wanted to share them with the world. Ultimately, I wanted to write sermons which pulled from transformative works as well as personal anecdotes—but this took time and practice. I began by simply sharing quotes that struck me, occasionally adding analysis in the tags. 

Now, this account also has several prayer sheets like this. I always include Zoltan’s self assuring affirmation format, as well as my hopeful ‘let this happen’ prayer format and willful ‘I will work to make this happen’ vow format. Personally, I cycle through all of them, because I think all three versions of the prayer are important to internalize.

I have also written sermons as well as essays with discussions of sacred reading and retold stories. If you like this, you might be interested in the rest of my page!

[teddyoverthinks]

Literature is Stories that We Keep

I consider fictional books to be literature, easy. I include poetry as well as prose. If I include poetry, I include written song lyrics. I include play scripts as well as screenplay scripts.

Written folklore is literature. In the folklore and mythology class I took, we discussed the blurred lines between legend and myth. The oldest written stories are heavily embellished tales about real people, and there are elements of truth in them.

At this point I consider whether I include non-fiction in my definition of literature. Narrative non-fiction, such as biographies and embellished tales-based-on-true-stories, should be included.

Insofar I've maintained a boundary that literature must be written down. I don't immediately consider literature to be something happening onstage. The script I annotate in my English class, though—that's literature.

Literature stays the same over time, right? It doesn't just exist in one moment, like words or actions spoken aloud?

But—that definition would include indigenous oral histories, right? Even though they aren't written down in the western style, the traditions surrounding them allow them to remain the same over long periods of time.

Now I consider recordings, of songs and speeches and plays and even conversations, like podcasts.

Is that all literature?

Is literature just... stories that we keep?

I think right now, that's the best definition I can give. Stories that we keep.

I'm still thinking about less narrative things. About nonfiction. About whether a lego instruction manual is a story. I think it is—there's a beginning, a middle and an end. I think even math textbooks could be defined this way. We keep it. It's recorded, revisit-able. There's a story in there, a history of centuries of logic. There are even ongoing arcs in which formulas and theorems act as characters that grow or function differently over the course of the chapters.

I've read books of letters. Do my instagram DMs with my partner tell a similar tale?

I think, momentarily, that the stories need to be made up of words. I don't think visual art is literature.

But graphic novels might be.

What about all comics? What about a string of emojis that communicate a sentence? What about prehistoric cave paintings that still tells us exactly what happened to the people who stood here before us?

What about a meme that communicates half-in words and half-in images?

I can't add that stipulation.

Literature is stories that we keep.

[teddyoverthinks]

Theme: Accepting Love; Trusting Joy; Moving Past Pain

Here is a prayer developed from a fanfiction excerpt, presented in three formats and as the original excerpt. Then a short essay on how the prayer might be used. For anyone new to my page, I then include an explanation of sacred reading and why I use fanfiction of all things to do it.

hopeful prayer format

Let me accept love and compassion, when they finally come to me. Let me turn my back on the old pain and loneliness. Let me trust in the new comfort comfort and joy. Let me move on.

self-assuring affirmation format

I can accept love and compassion, when they finally come to me. I can turn my back on the old pain and loneliness. I can trust in the new comfort and joy. I can move on.

willful vow format

I will accept love and compassion, when they finally come to me. I will turn my back on the old pain and loneliness. I will trust in the new comfort and joy. I will move on.

original excerpt

Necessary Context: In this The Hobbit fanfiction, dwarves have a tradition of saying “our friend deserves a song”. This takes the form of a song of comfort, a song to uplift the spirit, a song of solidarity, et cetera. Bilbo thinks this is lovely, and he wants to be included, but he isn’t. 

Passage:

“Thorin’s hard hug and husky whisper of how wrong he was warms him until he thinks his entire body is aflame, but…but—

—there is no song for him after, and now he thinks there never will be.

Is he truly such an abhorrent thing that they begrudge him friendship and the songs that come so easily from their lips for any other companion?

He gave his word and his heart to their quest, but the quiet, softly hurt place inside him hardens, bitter inside like a kernel. Perhaps it would be just as deadly if he prodded it. There will be no songs for me, he vows, and leaves the kernel of pain alone.

---

“I would sing for you here,” Thorin whispers into the back of his neck when they lie cuddled beneath a blanket that night. “Would you like that?”

He should. Bilbo’s chest leaps with surprise and pleasure, but the next moment, his eyes fill with tears. Shocked, he turns his face into his rough pillow (Thorin’s cloak, still smelling of smoke and Dwarf) to hide it. He would sing only here, not in front of everyone. What have I done? Have I even earned friendship from the Company?

---

“Bilbo,” he says, “oh, Bilbo, you should have said something.”

The kernel pierces him from inside at that. Bilbo wipes his face on his sleeve. “I…I didn’t want to have to ask.”

Thorin kisses the tip of his ear. “Then you will not.”

---

It is a clear, cold morning when Thorin emerges from the tent after he has healed enough to walk without buckling at the knees. “My betrothed deserves a song,” he says simply to the gathered Dwarves, Men, and even Elves, and begins a ballad in Khuzdul and Westron about a King and his consort, a song thousands of years old.

The tears in Bilbo’s eyes are tears of joy this time, and he can feel the hidden pain dissolving after so many months of hurt. Yet as the kernel slips from him, it pokes him one last time with a thought that brings a pang. 

What if he only sings before these people because I made him? 

No. 

He shakes his head and holds Thorin’s hand all the tighter, and smiles at his Dwarf when he is done.”

—seashadows, I Never Had a Single Song

prayer in practice

There is so much about this excerpt that I think about. I could write a whole other sermon about Bilbo’s coping mechanisms. There is a lot to think about, earlier on. (He allows himself to believe he is not worthy, rather than ask for the dwarven reasoning for not offering a song, or even try to guess it). I could also write about the importance of these community love languages. But the really, truly outstanding part of this piece is the healing that occurs at the end of the passage.

Bilbo’s decision to ignore that final thought impresses me every time. That kernel of hurt that he’s carried with him for so long is powerful, but he refuses to believe what it tells him. 

Sometimes we carry hurt with us to protect ourselves from more hurt. We desensitize ourselves to it. We think this helps, but it doesn’t. There comes a point when we are surrounded by comfort and we still don’t trust it. It is so important to choose to change that.

I remembered this excerpt because my friend was talking on the discord server about how nice it is that we have silly, fun roles. If you don’t use discord, roles are a practical feature so you can tag everyone with a certain role (like, you can tag all of the writers if you have a writing prompt). We have practical roles, but all active sever members end up with a few that are inside jokes and little descriptors of who we are.

@beatle411: “When I was a little and in a roleplay amino server, I was always so,,,, like the other 3 people there gifted each other roles all the time and never me. And I felt so left out, eventually I had to ask for roles and that didn't feel nice. So this is very nice, to have friends who just give them. And such funny ones at that.”

Because they’re a fellow Tolkien nerd, I immediately asked to send them this excerpt. I’ve been wanting to post about it for a while, but I was struggling with what to say about it. Our conversation really helped me narrow down what’s so cool about it. So, many thanks to Eddy. Also, a big shoutout to the server buddies for being such a lovely group. 

Anyway, the point is that this prayer applies to situations where we find ourselves healing and we notice that kernel of hurt. Maybe it’s fading, maybe it isn’t yet, but either way it is an opportunity to choose to have faith in something happier.

explanation of what you just read

In her book Praying With Jane Eyre: Reflections on Reading as a Sacred Practice, Vanessa Zoltan explains and demonstrates how she treats literature as sacred text. I highly recommend reading this book, as it’s incredibly interesting, helped me grow as a person, and explains the concept and process more thoroughly than I do here.

In short, the idea is that sacred texts aren’t accessible to everyone—some of us have religious trauma, for example—but there are other ways to find spiritual expression. In Praying With Jane Eyre, Zoltan references scenes from Jane Eyre, Harry Potter, Little Women, and The Great Gatsby where most sermons would reference the preacher’s chosen holy book. I grew up hearing sermons that referenced Christian bible stories, and I’d get caught up in my discomfort with the text. In some ways, that protected me from internalizing the biases of the religious community. Yet it also kept me from taking comfort in the words that genuinely helped others through hard times.  

I feel the need to clarify that Zoltan’s process isn’t about forming religions around books not intended to be religious material. Instead of mentioning a story about how David faced Goliath, she mentions a story of how Jane Eyre faced her abusive aunt. Sometimes, she prays with a quote from the book by adapting the words of the text into a self-affirmation. Zoltan doesn’t assume that everything in the text is good—for example, she doesn't assume that the ending of Jane Eyre is a happy one (which would have troubling implications). She simply assumes that there's a lesson buried within the text.

Zoltan’s process works much better for me than any associated with the organized religion I grew up with, but I’m not as close to the text of Jane Eyre as she is. I also found myself uncomfortable with treating Harry Potter as sacred, so Zoltan’s podcast Harry Potter and the Sacred Text was, unfortunately, not for me. I decided to begin collecting quotes from what I do read—which, okay, I’m an English major, so I could have used folk tales or ancient epic poems or twentieth-century short stories, because I do read plenty of those. It would work fine with any of them. Sacred reading even helps me understand folk tales from the audience’s perspective.

But I also read a lot of fanfiction, and I wanted to think about it in a new way. Fanfiction is a modern method of retelling stories. The act of retelling a story over and over is evidence that it is important to a great deal of people. Fanfiction is, legally speaking, not for profit. In this capitalist society that means people are telling these stories solely because they want to. That, in my opinion, creates an exponentially more spiritually honest work than one edited and sold to a publisher. Fanfiction writers, especially those who use the archive, trust that their target audience will find them.

I don’t mean to put fanfiction on a pedestal. It has its pitfalls, especially when it comes to elements of craft like visual description and reliance on clichéd tropes. Frankly, when I started, I thought I would get no more than a few good quotes, mainly from the really long fics. I didn’t expect my google doc of fic excerpts to grow to 200 pages and counting within a few months. But it did. Fic writers impressed me over and over once I began to look.

I wasn’t really sure what I planned to do with the quotes for a while, but I knew I wanted to share them with the world. Ultimately, I wanted to write sermons which pulled from transformative works as well as personal anecdotes—but this took time and practice. I began by simply sharing quotes that struck me, occasionally adding analysis in the tags.

Now, this account also has several prayer sheets like this. I always include Zoltan’s self assuring affirmation format, as well as my hopeful ‘let this happen’ prayer format and willful ‘I will work to make this happen’ vow format. Personally, I cycle through all of them, because I think all three versions of the prayer are important to internalize.

I have also written sermons as well as essays with discussions of sacred reading and retold stories. If you like this, you might be interested in the rest of my page!

[teddyoverthinks]

time heals wounds

CW: brief and vague mentions of disordered eating habits, unspecified emotional trauma

Not a quote from a fanfiction but something someone wrote when they bookmarked my fic.

“Mostly catching up. nobody is all that mad (I guess time heals wounds) and Izzy is less of a dick.”

The purpose of my fic was to explore an OFMD reunion au after the characters had been given time to heal. So, as the author, I’m glad they saw that.

It’s an important theme to me, healing. I have hundreds of fic excerpts pasted in a massive google doc, and I am perpetually pulling them into smaller theme-specific documents. The “Healing” document is a lengthy one, and it’s mostly focused on healing from grief, trauma, mental illnesses, etc.

I think step one of healing is having faith that once we are safe the healing happens on its own. While we can take steps to facilitate our own healing, it really just takes time.

I let my hair dry straighter than usual today and the length surprised me. It’s—I don’t know, halfway to my elbows? That’s the longest it’s ever been.

When I was little it grew slowly, which drove me crazy. I was desperate to have long, pretty hair and fit in with the girls who somehow had hair to their waist by the time they were all of eight years old.

My hair grew even slower for a few years because of chlorine damage and a lack of nutrition, but I changed a lot of habits in middle school. I stopped swimming, I chose to eat more and more often.

It was finally past my shoulders when I started high school, but I cut it to chin length because for some reason that was how I dealt with trauma. My best guess is I thought it would make me feel I had control over my appearance, over my body, etc.

I cut it again a few years later, to around my ears. It was sort of a Karen haircut. One of those really unfortunate queer kid at the wrong hairdresser incidents.

Then I cut the person associated with both haircuts out of my life, and I haven’t cut my hair more than a trim since. 

And now it’s been years, somehow. 

I’ve worked on my relationship with food, with gender, and with trauma. And I think it shows. It’s not really measurable, generally. I have good weeks and not-so-easy weeks. But I haven’t cut my hair off and I have eaten enough that it grows, so there is visible evidence of progress. I think that’s nice.

[teddyoverthinks]

a society in which grief is associated with accidents

Today I’m thinking about this excerpt.

“How do you grieve your dead?” Thorin asked at length, curious. It was not a subject they had ever discussed. Since making his home in Erebor Bilbo had followed Dwarven customs in such things, for he was considered as good as a Dwarf by everybody under the Mountain, and Bilbo strived to be worthy of such regard.

“We usually don’t,” said Bilbo, and he could feel Thorin’s surprise in the sudden laxness of his arms. Then Bilbo explained – as he would explain to no other, for Thorin alone knew some of the secrets that all Hobbits kept closely guarded. They did not grieve, he explained, because death was simply a return to the earth that nurtured them, and as long as a Hobbit was placed in the ground, they were never truly gone. The earth gave, and the earth took; it was a cycle of growth and death that was as natural as breathing. What need was there for grief in that?

But accidental deaths, he told Thorin, were lives cut short before that cycle could complete. There was the boy, too – young Frodo Baggins, left alone, and Bilbo’s heart ached for him.

—Branches, xxSparksxx

This fic depicts Bilbo’s reaction to the deaths of Drogo Baggins and Primula Brandybuck, Frodo’s parents. Bilbo is upset by it, of course. It was a tragedy, even to Bilbo, who has at this point seen a great deal of death in and after the Battle of Five Armies. (For context, in this fic he has not seen the deaths of any of the heirs of Durin). 

Bilbo still doesn’t really know how to deal with grief. Like most of us, his best method seems to be letting himself feel it and accepting support until he’s well enough to do something with his feelings. I think in this fic he reaches out to Frodo. 

But what I’m really stuck on is the idea of a society in which grief is associated with accidents. I’ve seen the occasional truly untragic death, in which the loved ones of the person gone are sad to see them go but are fully glad that it happened the way and time that it did. But these deaths are the rarity. Most deaths I grieve, even for a moment when I hear about a stranger, are so complex. There are so many more options than a peaceful death in old age and an accident. 

Today, I’m grieving deaths that were on purpose. Deaths that are a result of individual and systemic violence. Deaths that come from a cultural lack of empathy that comes from a capitalist society which does not provide for it. I’m grieving dialysis patients and trans kids and victims of the police.

Right now I’m sitting with the anger and letting myself feel it. I don’t have a Thorin to hug, but reading this brought me some comfort. I’m venting a bit, right here. That’s also a step. And later I’m going to take action—I’m going to exercise my right to vote for the first time. 

But I’m also fantasizing about a society which voting won’t bring quite yet. One where people almost forget about violence. And I’m going to find hope that we can get there.

[teddyoverthinks]

conversation from ofmd creators server writing chat

HopelessScribe:  Ok, if Ed is King Arthur and he and Izzy are a couple, who would that make Izzy?  [redacted: spoilers for published chapters of I can fit two people under my skin] BRB, googling arthurian legend.

TeddyMedley // TeddyOverthinks: My BBC Merlin fixation is about to show.

RE: if ed is king arthur and he and izzy are a couple, who would that make izzy?  Theres Queen Guinivere. There's Lancelot. There's Merlin. There's Morgana.

It depends on which version cuz that canon is so vast—like, I’m talking anything likable enough just Is Canon. So, there are so many versions of it that there is no Right Answer to who Arthur is paired with.

Guinivere is his wife sometimes, but sometimes she's married to Lancelot. Morgana is his sister, or his wife, or an enemy. Theres literally a version where he meets Jesus. [disputed].

HopelessScribe: [Izzy’s]'s definitely not Merlin. I feel like Izzy is a hybrid in personality between Lancelot and Morgana, from what I know of them.

TeddyMedley // TeddyOverthinks While in many versions he is like, the last king BEFORE Christianity, and in some he's The First Christian King.

I cant emphasize enough that this is a case of literature pre-copyright including canonized fanfiction. Fanfiction is just a retold version of a story, so it makes sense.

HopelessScribe: It does and yet also that’s also wild to think about.

TeddyMedley // TeddyOverthinks: It is SO wild to think about!

I dedicate a lot of my time to thinking about retold stories. My tumblr is basically me sharing fanfiction quotes for sacred reading reasons, and the occasional rant about canon creation.

Like—canon creation happens now, especially with screen adaptations, but copyright hinders it. Meanwhile, AO3 being a public archive makes it happen so much faster.

But my whole thing is like, those people repeating legends to each other centuries ago were doing the exact same thing as us (us!! this server, this channel right here!!!) telling each other stories about a made up version of what happened to two guys who lived a long time ago! 

[Referencing the loose historical inspiration of OFMD] 

BTW, Arthurian legend is a legend, not a myth, because deep within those stories is a real person who once lived. And then people retold stories about him until it got so weird you’ve got Monty Python and the Holy Grail and That One 200k BBC Merlin Fanfiction and they all are in part for entertainment but that’s never the only reason why people love them. There are also a million deep reasons that im like, obsessed with analyzing. But should not begin to get into here and now. 

...sorry. I’ve calmed down.

Yeah, Lancelot is probably a good bet for a lot of the lore. But honestly there are so many versions you can probably find one for whatever dynamic you want. Or if youre not directly referencing anything you can have Izzy go 'this is just like us! see here:' and make up your own version and nobody will be able to tell.

I like how i was expecting the BBC Merlin fixation to show and then it did but also my whole literature/myths and legends special interest showed.

HopelessScribe:

Fully agree. Stories have power.

[teddyoverthinks]

doubting doctrine; realizing the option to use privilege for good

Arthur wonders if he had known she was a sorceress before the burning. He had been running on the assumption that the man was an active participant, because his father always said they only arrest the guilty, but… well, if you live in a place with your wife, of course people would think you were guilty, just for being there. 

Arthurs stomach squirms with discomfort. He's not behaved nobly. And for what? To impress this ally of his? He could probably kick Abelard in the head and he would still be nice to him, because he's the prince.

—Foxy_Mulder, Golden

[teddyoverthinks]

reposting because I’m mad about people who want to introduce censorship to AO3. 

censorship does not end with YOUR comfort zone, especially if it’s associated with a government. fanfictions about queerness, anti-racism, anti-nationalism, anti-fascism, and progressivism will be in danger of censorship. fanfictions about anything the state deems problematic will be in danger. free thought will be in danger.

censorship is not the way to deal with content you do not like. turning your back is not the way to address ideas you disagree with. punishment does not change minds. 

freedom of speech & community heals the effects of fascism

“Treason,” Merlin ignored him, “is but a king’s word. What we’re doing here, maybe it’s treason, but mostly, it’s just dealing with our grief and anger. There’s nothing wrong about that.” 

All of a sudden, the conversation’s tone had shifted to a much more serious note, and Merlin could see, from the look in Arthur’s eyes, that he had noticed that as well. Good. 

“All the people around us – well, not all, but a good portion of them –, they’ve chosen this, this path, instead of perpetuating the cycle of violence. They’ve chosen to express themselves, and you’re damn lucky they have, because in a kingdom where people are forced to keep quiet, well, inevitably, at some point, things will break. People will break, because that’s what they do. And blood, blood will be shed. Yours, theirs. If you don’t allow people to speak, Arthur, then they’ll find other ways to make themselves heard. This way, trust me, is much better. What is wrong with what we’re doing, exactly? We’re writing a few poems. Saying a few words. Throwing a few apples. Sorry, Gwaine.” 

The knight was not listening, though, which was good, because otherwise he would have quickly guessed Aria’s true identity. 

“My point is, we’re not doing anything wrong. What we’re doing, here – it is nothing in comparison to what Morgana is planning to do, to what Morgana has done. Not to mention Uther’s own wrongdoings.” 

He sighed. 

“These are your people, Arthur, and you might not approve of what they’re doing, but I – I’m proud. Proud of what the Uther Hate Group has managed to achieve: unify people originally linked by their common hatred, and invite them into a group where – a group where there’s love. Compassion. Solidarity. Humanity. Did you see how compassionate those people were towards Leon? How kind their gazes were? What we’re doing here may seem like nothing to you, pure provocation, but I assure you, it’s not. Do you – do you know what Lancelot and Gwen are doing right now? Yes, they’re planting flowers, but not for any reason. They’re doing it for all those who’ve lost their lives or their loved ones to Uther’s tyranny. And I don’t know about you, Arthur, but this is the kind of kingdom that I would love to live in. A kingdom whose people are united by feelings such as compassion, and empathy, and peaceful sadness. A land where people communicate instead of threatening each other. It’s not perfect, and sure, it’s not very respectful, and yes, the circumstances aren’t great and I’d much rather live in a kingdom with no such bloody history. But things are what they are, and given what Uther’s put them through, given what Uther’s put us all through… well, I think it’s the best we can do, and I think we’re doing damn well, too.”

—Naelyn, How to kill a king

[teddyoverthinks]

Ed has this—sour feeling, this bitter angriness at himself for not realizing that Stede wasn’t eating, sleeping, caring for himself, but he—he knows he can’t—he can’t do—everything. He wants to control the world, and take care of Stede, and fucking—fix shit, but he can’t just do that. Stede’s an adult. He fucked up; he’s asking for help now. Ed will keep a better eye out next time. All they can do is try to be better in the future.

ShowMeAHero, the most dangerous thing is to love

[teddyoverthinks]

Open Up to Your Friends

“Have you always been claustrophobic?” Spock finally asked.

McCoy begrudgingly turned towards him.

“Yeah,” he growled.

He didn’t really want Spock to know that. McCoy knew pretty much all the details of everyone on the ship—their medical histories, their STDs, childhood pets, family at home, and so on. As their doctor, he knew everything. A whole ship’s worth of secrets. So, by default, that excluded him from having to share any of his. Call it a perk of the job.

Call it self-defense. 

“It’s stupid, I know,” he said aloud. “I’m in space for cryin’ out loud. The biggest place you can be.”

“Space is relative,” Spock said. “And therefore not as big as you think.”

—illogicalBones, Hypocrisy, Thy Name Is Doctor: "Ch 2. Not Claustrophobic"

[teddyoverthinks]

freedom of speech & community heals the effects of fascism

“Treason,” Merlin ignored him, “is but a king’s word. What we’re doing here, maybe it’s treason, but mostly, it’s just dealing with our grief and anger. There’s nothing wrong about that.” 

All of a sudden, the conversation’s tone had shifted to a much more serious note, and Merlin could see, from the look in Arthur’s eyes, that he had noticed that as well. Good. 

“All the people around us – well, not all, but a good portion of them –, they’ve chosen this, this path, instead of perpetuating the cycle of violence. They’ve chosen to express themselves, and you’re damn lucky they have, because in a kingdom where people are forced to keep quiet, well, inevitably, at some point, things will break. People will break, because that’s what they do. And blood, blood will be shed. Yours, theirs. If you don’t allow people to speak, Arthur, then they’ll find other ways to make themselves heard. This way, trust me, is much better. What is wrong with what we’re doing, exactly? We’re writing a few poems. Saying a few words. Throwing a few apples. Sorry, Gwaine.” 

The knight was not listening, though, which was good, because otherwise he would have quickly guessed Aria’s true identity. 

“My point is, we’re not doing anything wrong. What we’re doing, here – it is nothing in comparison to what Morgana is planning to do, to what Morgana has done. Not to mention Uther’s own wrongdoings.” 

He sighed. 

“These are your people, Arthur, and you might not approve of what they’re doing, but I – I’m proud. Proud of what the Uther Hate Group has managed to achieve: unify people originally linked by their common hatred, and invite them into a group where – a group where there’s love. Compassion. Solidarity. Humanity. Did you see how compassionate those people were towards Leon? How kind their gazes were? What we’re doing here may seem like nothing to you, pure provocation, but I assure you, it’s not. Do you – do you know what Lancelot and Gwen are doing right now? Yes, they’re planting flowers, but not for any reason. They’re doing it for all those who’ve lost their lives or their loved ones to Uther’s tyranny. And I don’t know about you, Arthur, but this is the kind of kingdom that I would love to live in. A kingdom whose people are united by feelings such as compassion, and empathy, and peaceful sadness. A land where people communicate instead of threatening each other. It’s not perfect, and sure, it’s not very respectful, and yes, the circumstances aren’t great and I’d much rather live in a kingdom with no such bloody history. But things are what they are, and given what Uther’s put them through, given what Uther’s put us all through… well, I think it’s the best we can do, and I think we’re doing damn well, too.”

—Naelyn, How to kill a king

[teddyoverthinks]

a conversation about borrowing ideas in literature

teddyoverthinks: hahha I just feel so bad for stealing the bucket thing. I purposefully didn't read any izzy/roach beach scenes while writing, but it must have stuck with me subconsciously, or something.

@bedalk: Haha but that’s the beauty of fandom! We can influence each other!

teddyoverthinks: Yeah, I definitely agree. I think I just get annoyed when its not conscious.

It’s definitely my favorite thing about fanfiction—that it’s a way for literature to be retold, which literature should be.

I hate that copyright and trademark put limits on retelling stories and changing only a little.

@bedalk: Yes exactly! I just love how fan fic builds off of other media. But yeah, it sucks how copyright Iimits people and stunts sharing creativity.

teddyoverthinks: That's a big reason why I made this account, actually. I think the retelling of stories is inherently sacred, whether it's connected to a religious faith or not.

Like, the formation of any canon of lore about one subject means it's important to a lot of people. I love to investigate those canons, whether they’re centered around the classic characters/tales like Heracles or Odysseus or Sherlock Holmes; or new ones like Harry Potter or OFMD’s version of Blackbeard & the Gentleman Pirate. I especially like looking into well established canon-fanon like Star Trek or Tolkien’s stuff*. 

*(Both of which have interesting idiosyncracies. Star Trek has had fanon become canon, and Tolkien wrote as if he was translating a canon of works coming from various sources.)

The internet speeds up the process of the canon-creation we see with Star Trek and it especially speeds up the process of creating canons in general. Fanfiction has something of a limited population, but writing a modern AU of the BBC Merlin telling of the story of King Arthur is faster than creating a remake of the movie version of the musical that was a modern adaptation of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet*. 

*(I here referred to West Side Story (2021)).

it was Tolkien who said

[Folklorists and anthropologists using fairy stories as a quarry from which to dig evidence about matters in which they are interested] are inclined to say that any two stories that are built round the same folk-lore motive, or are made up of a generally similar combination of such motives, are ‘the same stories.’ We read that… ‘The Black Bull of Norroway is Beauty and the Beast’ or ‘is the same story as Eros and Psyche’…  Statements of that kind may express (in undue abbreviation) some element of truth; but they are not true in a fairy-story sense, they are not true in art or literature. It is precisely the colouring, the atmosphere, the unclassifiable individual details of a story, and above all the general purport that informs with life the undissected bones of the plot, that really count. …To take the extreme case of Red Riding Hood: it is of merely secondary interest that the re-told versions of this story, in which the little girl is saved by wood-cutters, is directly derived from Perrault’s story in which she was eaten by the wolf. The really important thing is that the later version has a happy ending (more or less, and if we do not mourn the grandmother overmuch), and that Perrault’s version had not. And that is a very profound difference, to which I shall return.

—JRR Tolkien, “Origins” section of Tree and Leaf: On Fairy-Stories

Tolkien argued that a retelling of a story is a new story entirely, because the changes reflect the themes and emotions of the piece.

It is my belief that stories build on other stories whether we want them to or not. Authors who do it knowingly are more likely to create something of worth, because working with purpose to create a good collage generally ends better than battling to create a story that's simultaneously going to be marketable and 'unique'. So, I guess it stressed me out a bit to have borrowed unknowingly because I like the feeling of working with purpose.

Hm. I think this rant will be my next post.

[teddyoverthinks]

absolution, and accountability vs forgiveness

The question came out low and desperate, pulled from deep inside where it had long gnawed painfully against Draco’s ribcage, sinking its teeth into his heart. “Can you ever forgive me?”

Once spoken, it was too late to wonder if he still had the strength to endure another wound.

“If I say yes, will it really change anything?” Potter asked softly. “Me forgiving you doesn’t fix everything. You said it yourself, Draco—you made some bad choices. You were in a hard situation and you were just a kid, and it wasn’t fair. But you can’t change that people got hurt. And maybe they won’t forgive you. I don’t know, it’s not my place to say. But I think…” Potter took a breath. “I think what matters now is that you try to be better. That’s all you can do. That’s all any of us can ever do.”

Draco lifted his head, meeting Potter’s eyes.

“If hearing me say it is really what you need, I will.”

A selfish part of Draco longed to just say yes, that that’s exactly what he needed, more than anything. But a larger part of him knew that that wasn’t right. No matter how badly he wanted to hear those words, Potter’s forgiveness shouldn’t be about what Draco needed. That was Potter’s decision to make for himself; it wasn’t Draco’s absolution.

Draco shook his head. “I thought that's what I wanted to hear,” he admitted. “I thought it would make me feel better. But you’re right. It won’t fix everything.”

He looked at the Dark Mark on his forearm, half-shadowed as it rested against his knee. He couldn’t erase it any more than the other choices he had made, ones he would forever have to live with. Some harms, he knew, could not be undone. All there was to do now was move forward, try to mend the things he could and avoid making the same choices again.

“I really am trying to do better. To be better,” he said, expression earnest as he looked back at Potter. “Are you sure that’s enough?” He knew that Potter would understand the real question he was asking, the unspoken, Are you sure you want to be with me?

“I’m sure.” Potter reached for his hand, fingers weaving together. “I know you heard what Hermione said before, in the common room. But I want you to know, I’m not spending time with you or doing any of this—” he pressed Draco’s hand “—because I’m trying to change you. I know we have kind of a… complicated history. But I’ve seen how much you’ve changed already, and I know how hard you’re trying. For me, that’s enough.”

—thegatheringdust, Echoing Green

[teddyoverthinks]

Draco finally figured out the words he had to say to Hermione, not just sorry, but also I am trying to be better. 

—softlystarstruck, the call of sweet things

[teddyoverthinks]

Choosing Personally Significant Mantras

There are several English definitions of the word mantra, a borrowed word originally essentially meaning sacred utterance, but used in American English to mean a statement used frequently, typically with a connotation of deep importance. This post is about the phrases, which we find significant enough to consider sacred, that we repeat to ourselves when we need to hear them. I use this account to discuss spiritual practices which improve our emotional and mental health. I typically pull from fanfiction as a sacred literature, because I consider the retelling of stories to be a sacred practice of all human cultures. Throughout this account you will see me pull from fanfiction to create prayers and mantras and discuss how I use them. Today, however, I want to talk about the words that come from within ourselves. Of course, I will use my sacred literature as a mechanism to discuss it.

I have crossed a mountain range, he realized. I have gone under some of it and over the rest and I have lived to tell the tale. And he thought of his little armchair back home and the warm hearth that awaited him, and the memories stirred the same homesickness that they always did. But something new rose in his breast as well. If I go home, I will be a hobbit who has crossed a mountain range twice. Once on the way there and once on the way back again. I could stay in Bag End for the rest of my days, and nothing could take that from me.

—Margo_Kim, The Fine Art of Small Talk 

Bilbo Baggins—in Tolkien canon, various adaptations, and much of fanon—is almost always portrayed as a master of self-soothing via mantra. In the animated film The Hobbit (Rankin/Bass 1977), Bilbo reminds himself of “Eggs and bacon, a good full pipe, my garden at twilight, ...cakes,” throughout his journey. It becomes a mantra that he relies on for comfort. Home was good, and all of this stress and misery is not all that this world contains. Home grounds Bilbo in times when he might be fainting from terror.

That mantra works well, but I prefer the block quote from Margo_Kim. Their Bilbo thinks of his home—and misses it and loves it still—but he also finds a value in his trials themselves. He has survived them. This idea is a powerful one. Bilbo can rely on it, because it will always be true that he has survived doing something so unthinkable as leaving home. 

It doesn’t escape me that out of all he’s done at this point—dealt with the trolls, stayed with the elves of Rivendell, seen stone giants and goblins and Gollum, fought to save someone’s life—crossing the mountain range is the success he fixates on. In my mind, the crossing of the mountain range stands for the commonality of all of those experiences: the fact that he has traveled far, far out of his comfort zone. 

It's a simple thing to be proud of, but that's what makes it so useful. 

With this idea—leaving is something to be proud of—Bilbo has changed the foundation of his whole point of view. Focusing on the comforts of home is good, but it easily leads to homesickness; to wishing one never left at all. The realization doesn’t dull his homesickness, but it does strengthen his will to stay and dedicate himself to Thorin & Co.’s cause. It changes his attitude and makes him a better teammate. 

This isn’t a sermon about how Bilbo made the right choice, by the way. I’m not here to talk about perseverance or fighting for a cause. Not all mantras encourage us to stay in a situation. 

‘Rest will refresh my brain, and this will be easier tomorrow.’ is a mantra of my own making. It helps me sleep when I might stay up until a task is completely done. 

That mantra is the result of a realization I had that I was worsening my sleep schedule with a different mantra. I used to tell myself, ‘Finish this, then sleep; push through it, I’ll have a second wind.’ over and over, slowing down all the while. I was losing out on sleep, because I was doing tasks that really did go faster in the morning!

So we have to think carefully about the mantras we use, and why we use them. But how do we even get there? In general, I try to be aware of my thought process, especially in the way I motivate myself. The two greatest questions are the following:

Why do I want to change what I’m doing, and how do I plan on getting there? 

The answers to these questions vary, based not only on situation, but also the person asking them. We all have different goals and methods of achieving them.

But once we figure put the answers to those questions, we have to ask ourselves a lot more:

Are our methods healthy? Are they efficient enough? Do we balance our goals, or do we employ our most efficient mantras to ignore one goal over another, no matter how pressing the other goal is? Do we find ourselves biased in which goals we prioritize? 

This has been a long winded way to say that the question isn’t “do you tell yourself braving your situation is something to be proud of, or do you try to go to your happy place when you’re upset?”. I’m not even here to tell you that you should do one more than the other. 

I’m here to tell you that you might benefit from thinking about which mantras you use the most. And maybe that’s the real purpose of my page as a whole. I share passages, prayers, essays about things that obviously mean a lot to me; but for you, I think it’s just a prompt to get you thinking. I don't know how many people will end up using my prayers! But maybe my sharing them will help others find their own. Maybe my sharing WHY I am praying will get others to think about situations that affect us all. That’s what I hope for, anyway.

I’ll end this with a 3-step overview of my method for achieving change to my subconscious beliefs via my daily mantras.

Step 1 is self-observation. That involves paying attention to the mantras we use, and asking ourselves the aforementioned questions about them.

Step 2 is allowing change to one’s perspective. That means occasionally accepting that our goal or mantra was leading us astray. We find our way to a new one.

Step 3 is actively changing our behavior. That means, once we find a goal that suits our new perspective, we find a new method of achieving it and then we work to do so.