thatbaldfvck

[thatbaldfvck]

Take it as a sign.

Take it as a sign when being around certain people makes you feel like you’re babysitting your old self.

Take it as a sign when you feel like you have to dumb yourself down or dim your personality to get along with them.

Take it as a sign when you’re no longer inspired by them and notice they aren’t inspired by you.

Take it as a sign when talking to them just doesn’t feel the same anymore and there’s a weird tension in the air.

It can be awkward and uncomfortable, but there’s nothing wrong with outgrowing people. It’s okay to acknowledge that you’re on a new path. And you don’t need to stick it out with people, especially if they’re pulling you back into places you fought hard to leave behind.

[thatbaldfvck]

When certain people in your same situation or similar circumstances see you dealing with it in a better way than they would, they’ll try to claim that your situation just isn’t as bad or that you’re somehow privileged over them. They have to deny or downplay your experiences as a desperate attempt to soothe their insecurities - because the power, growth, and agency you’ve worked hard to harness out of hardship is intimidating or feels too out of reach for them. What I’ve learned is that ironically, their attempt to invalidate acts as the perfect validation. There’s strength in knowing where you come from and being unapologetically proud of where you are, even if others can’t fathom the outcomes you’ve created or achieved for someone in that position.

[thatbaldfvck]

5 habits that people think are self-care but are really just self-sabotage:

• Sleeping all day to “reset”. Rest is necessary but sleeping to escape your life isn’t healing - it’s hiding.

• Skipping routines because you “need a break”. There’s nothing wrong with taking breaks - until you’re constantly breaking your own momentum.

•Saying no or rejecting everything in the name of “boundaries”. Sometimes, what you call boundaries are just walls you’ve built to avoid growth, connection, or effort.

• Avoiding goals because you’re “protecting your peace”. Your peace isn’t in playing it safe or small. Your peace is in living a life that actually fulfills you. Getting there in reality may not feel so peaceful.

• Using the excuse that you’re “just waiting for the right time” to do something. There’s never going to be a better or more convenient time. You’re never going to feel “ready” to take that next intimidating step. You’re just waiting on an outcome that doesn’t require that much change.

[thatbaldfvck]

My Neurodivergent “hot takes”

(As someone who is heavily neurodivergent and struggles with things like anxiety, executive dysfunction, and fatigue)

• You don’t need to rely on motivation when integrity and self-respect are non-negotiable to you.

• impact > intent

• Some people do unfortunately only learn essential skills and necessary awareness through trauma and reasonable amounts of shame. As an adult, not every lesson can be gentle - especially when you’re painfully out of touch and/or not comprehending your impact. Sometimes embarrassment is necessary for growth.

• As a neurodivergent, not every behavior pattern or habit should be accepted/accommodated. A shitty behavior is a shitty behavior regardless of if you have a fancy explanation for it and have just decided you’re excused. And yes, neurodivergent people can be lazy too.

• A lot of people in the ND community love to say “it’s not an excuse, it’s an explanation!” when in reality, a lot of the time those things are synonymous. If people with cluster b disorders started saying that in regard to their narcissistic or poor behavior, I think a lot of y’all would back pedal on that one real quick. You either have a valid excuse or you don’t. Taking real accountability means doing exactly that. Not obnoxiously word vomiting with a story or explanation in response to being called out. Honestly, I’ve seen people with npd and aspd take way better accountability than a lot of people with audhd and similar neurodivergence.

• Not all feelings are automatically valid just because you’re having them

• Many times, unchecked anxiety - especially when you’re out with people is selfish and comes off as incredibly insufferable after a certain point. You aren’t a main character and if being perceived on a normal level by others is that disabling, you should have just stayed home rather than taking away from everyone else’s experience to center your own.

• If you use your adhd as an excuse to straight up neglect your friendships or forget they exist, you can’t be surprised or blame anyone else when you lose those connections. The price to be paid for community is occasional inconvenience. People not wanting to be treated as if they’re dead/don't exist half the time is human nature, not ableism 🤡 if you only ever consider people when it's convienient for you, it's not your adhd at fault. You're just being a shitty person who hasn't taken responsibility and built systems around what's important to you. I’d rather have someone who has to set unique reminders to check in than someone who doesn’t check in or act like they care at all.

[thatbaldfvck]

This is a direct post to my former best friend. Hi Emma!

I hope you never believe I simply chose a man over you or that I was just in a hard place myself, because I think that would be a pretty simplified and easy way for you to avoid what really went down and why our friendship had to come to an end.

Truth be told Emma - your lack of reasonable growth, friendship integrity, common sense, self awareness, situational awareness, and self respect was so severe past your own perception that after a certain point, I would have rather lived with a man who still somehow managed to make more improvement in 2 years than you did in close to 10 - but of course, that would be way too painful for you to address so you have to convince yourself I was the one who wasn’t considerate towards you. As if I hadn't tolerated and tried to understand your habits and behaviors within their context for years without saying anything negative about it. Embarrassing dude. I never wanted to lose a sister but if you're going to exhaust me for that long I’ll hand you the mirror so you can either make a conscious decision or show yourself the door. People with actual lives and responsibilities to face will only give you the benefit of the doubt for so long. You got way too comfortable making excuses for yourself over doing better for the people you claimed to care about. You were threatened by my ability to uphold boundaries and reasonable expectations in a way that no longer enabled your bad habits and lack of consideration on a daily basis. My newfound self respect and rapid character development was a reflective and triggering reminder to you that you have none. Our friendship that was born in sickness couldn't survive in health or adulthood because only one of us got off our ass, walked through the hard shit every day and evolved even though it was painful and inconvenient. That shit changes you.

It doesn't surprise me that I probably won't be hearing from you again. Because you know I can see right through your soft spoken bullshit and that terrifies you. You would call me inspirational just to ride my coat tails instead of taking real inspiration from me through action. You left me to fend for myself regularly despite all your fluffy statements of intent, commitment, proposals, and emphasis on sisterhood. And at a grown age saying things like "but I've never said anything about your messes!" not able to critically think about the fact that I was a primary caregiver managing a million different tasks daily while you did close to nothing and created more stress for everyone... (sound like anyone else you ironically talked shit about with me?). You even admitted I was up against more than you and still couldn't bother disciplining yourself to show up. All while letting a child down in the process too. You had that kid calling you auntie as if it was just a cute nickname with no significance when you already knew what I was dealing with. Your head is fucked. You knew exactly where I was coming from, and that became embarrasingly apparent in your defensiveness and rapid flight response out of the situation.

A true friend will give you the truth and want to see you grow. I did so with as much compassion as I could, but you revealed you're not interested in that kind of genuine friendship. Supporting and enabling are two different things. You just wanted someone to enable you and tell you that none of your suffering, destructive patterns, or natural consequences were ever your fault or in your control. I supported you the best I could, but I couldn’t stand to enable you and your thoughtless childish habits for any more years. Especially with my literal child looking up to you at a certain point. The ironic part about me being the more opinionated and confrontational one is that at a certain point, I had to walk on eggshells around you. Because I knew if I didn't sit quiet next to you while you continuously self sabotaged and laid in your own shit stain of learned helplessness, you'd end the friendship. It wasn't that I withheld full honesty from you, it's that I nervously worked hard over the course of weeks to have that talk with you because I wanted us to work even though I knew in my gut that you weren't emotionally mature enough to hear it.

I've grieved us quite a bit, because I’m aware that there's sadness beneath my frustration. But I’ve also had time to process the situation for what it was - and I ultimately stand firm knowing I'd rather have a friend who has self respect, discipline to be better, and grown awareness. There were a lot of opportunities for you to demonstrate that and not keep letting people down again and again.

I regret telling you I'd possibly be open to a conversation in the future, because now that I've processed your reaction and how much your empty words and quick abandonment impacted my child as well, I know I'd never give you the time of day. The respect I once held for you went out the window. You missed out on a lot of beautiful moments and opportunities all because you ultimately hate yourself more than you value integrity. You lost sight of the big picture and sadly let your trauma win. A lot of our conflict could have been avoided too, if you would have been honest and up front about the fact that you were hardly ever actually going to show up in the ways you said. I was afraid that would be the case before you even moved in (hence why I attempted to talk about it beforehand too). Not that I’m entirely blame free of course, I should not have held you to a higher standard when the bar you set for yourself since high school was only as high as your bed and the number of shitty time consuming apology paragraphs you send to everyone. I thought of you as better than that with a little more potential as an adult- that’s my bad. Maybe one day when you have a family of your own and/or you’re faced with real life circumstances that you can’t run away, hide from, or make excuses about, you’ll gain a little more consciousness and prove to yourself that you can in fact do it when things matter enough to you. But for now, considering all the ways you described your ditsy situationally unaware aunt, you’re right at home. It’s a shame because I really wanted to grow up with you, not grow out of you.

Good luck Emma, it seems to be the only thing you could ever rely on anyway. The bridge is burned and the pity flowers are dead. Our childhood memories are well worth remembering, but you aren’t.

[thatbaldfvck]

Topic: Holding Grudges

Yeah I “hold grudges” because time passing is not an apology and it never will be.

No it won't just be "water under the bridge” for your convenience.

No I won’t be made to believe that your pathetic cop out excuse for being an avoidant fuck and not acknowledging your bullshit is in any way normal or acceptable.

“That was years ago” yes you’re correct, that means you’ve had plenty of time to reflect on how you impacted others and you still choose not to - which is arguably worse than holding a grudge in the privacy of one’s own mind or simply recalling the factual details of a situation.

A lot of times “holding a grudge” is just deep self respect that we’re made to feel shameful about. You know your worth and never forget that you should have been treated better. You’re aware of the owed apology they chose to selfishly pocket for themselves.

And also at the same time, choosing not to forgive the person doesn’t equate to remaining miserable. It just means you're saying - 𝙉𝙤, 𝙄 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙖𝙘𝙘𝙚𝙥𝙩 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙤𝙧 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙥𝙤𝙤𝙧 𝙙𝙚𝙘𝙞𝙨𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙨. 𝙄 𝙠𝙚𝙚𝙥 𝙤𝙣 𝙡𝙞𝙫𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙣𝙮𝙬𝙖𝙮 𝙗𝙚𝙘𝙖𝙪𝙨𝙚 𝙄 𝙠𝙣𝙤𝙬 𝙄 𝙙𝙚𝙨𝙚𝙧𝙫𝙚 𝙗𝙚𝙩𝙩𝙚𝙧 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙣 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙗𝙪𝙢𝙢𝙮 𝙗𝙚𝙝𝙖𝙫𝙞𝙤𝙧, 𝙗𝙪𝙩 𝙪𝙣𝙩𝙞𝙡 𝙮𝙤𝙪'𝙧𝙚 𝙖𝙗𝙡𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙖𝙙𝙙𝙧𝙚𝙨𝙨 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙨𝙞𝙩𝙪𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙝𝙤𝙣𝙚𝙨𝙩𝙡𝙮 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙖𝙥𝙥𝙧𝙤𝙥𝙧𝙞𝙖𝙩𝙚 𝙡𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙡𝙨 𝙤𝙛 𝙖𝙘𝙘𝙤𝙪𝙣𝙩𝙖𝙗𝙞𝙡𝙞𝙩𝙮, 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙖𝙧𝙚𝙣'𝙩 𝙨𝙤𝙢𝙚𝙗𝙤𝙙𝙮 𝙄 𝙧𝙚𝙨𝙥𝙚𝙘𝙩 𝙤𝙧 𝙬𝙞𝙨𝙝 𝙬𝙚𝙡𝙡. 𝙄'𝙢 𝙣𝙤𝙩 𝙖𝙛𝙧𝙞𝙖𝙙 𝙩𝙤 𝙨𝙚𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝙬𝙝𝙤 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙝𝙤𝙣𝙤𝙧 𝙢𝙮 𝙧𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩𝙛𝙪𝙡 𝙛𝙚𝙚𝙡𝙞𝙣𝙜𝙨 𝙤𝙛 𝙖𝙣𝙜𝙚𝙧 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙞𝙣𝙟𝙪𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙘𝙚 𝙖𝙨 𝙞𝙩 𝙥𝙚𝙧𝙩𝙖𝙞𝙣𝙨 𝙩𝙤 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙨𝙞𝙩𝙪𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣.

Demonizing someone for holding a grudge rather than even questioning the person who was unfair/harmful to them just makes you come off as a victim blaming loser who probably also believes in shit like “being the bigger person” (a.k.a. being a little bitch who gets walked all over in the name of childish avoidance).

Perhaps my grudges will turn into neutral feelings of indifference one day, but for now I’m not worried about how I allow myself to process disrespect, abuse, or inconsiderate behavior from others.

[thatbaldfvck]

Sorry, can't hear you through the trees ☀︎︎

[thatbaldfvck]

Topic: Boycotting and Privilege

Fyi just in case you’re a chronically online TikTok “activist”, boycotting grocery stores is a privilege, and no I won’t be doing it.

Of course, a lot of you can’t comprehend that because just like a lot of leftists, you’d rather make hating the oppressor your entire personality than genuinely consider the oppressed - as if that counts as true activism. Similar to the “narcissistic” people you bitch about, y’all constantly need to stroke your moral superiority complex over trivial things so you can feel like a good person in control of the chaos. Not having to stop and acknowledge the fact that you aren’t actually doing meaningful, long term shit for the cause you bark at other people about. Boycotting grocery stores is a privilege, and low income people don’t owe you an explanation for shopping at the places that work best for them to help them survive. Obviously it’s a problem, and nobody is excited to be buying their necessities from bad companies. But it’s not just as simple as “well stop shopping there”. For a group who claims they know how to critically think, it’s embarrassing. Go use your privilege to shop at Trader Joe’s if you so choose, but for the love of everyone, just shut the fuck up.

[thatbaldfvck]

𝙇𝙞𝙛𝙚 𝙪𝙥𝙙𝙖𝙩𝙚 ☀︎︎

Onto bigger, better things! I'm finally moving out of my little Portland apartment. It was cute and did its job but it's time for a fresh start (in another state!). Mother’s day and my birthday fell on the same day this year which was pretty sweet, but I'm postponing my celebratory trip until after I'm all settled in. It’s been a crazy busy weekend. I was however, able to order my dream couch and a new bed after sleeping on an old busted floor mattress for the past year (which has of course been making my EDS pain worse) - so I'm super excited for those to come in. Overall, things are really looking up and I feel like I'm finally getting the life I deserve. So long Portland ✌🏻

[thatbaldfvck]

Like we have to kill the idea that schizophrenics who don't feel that taking antipsychotics is worth it are inherently dangerous and wrong and need to be coerced and forced into it. These are meds with a lot of heavy effects and side effects that are more so sedative than directly treating psychosis and they often actively worsen other aspects of the illness (negative and cognitive symptoms). A lot of people find them to be worth it, but just as many don't. And the way so many people have accepted that if you're schizophrenic not wanting to take them is inherently an invalid and dangerous choice that will end with people getting hurt (despite schizophrenics not having higher rates of violence than most people) says really shitty things about how much we have dehumanized schizophrenics in this society

[thatbaldfvck]

The way most autism literature describes "literal interpretation" is often not at all similar to how I experience it. Teenage me even thought I couldn't be autistic because I've always been able to learn metaphors easily.

In fact, I love wordplay of all kinds. Teenage me was fascinated to learn all the types of figurative language there are in poetry and literature.

But paperwork and questionnaires are hard, because there's so much they don't state clearly. Or they don't leave room for enough nuance.

"List all the jobs you've had, with start and end dates." What if I don't remember the exact day or month? Is the year enough?

"Have you been suffering from blurred vision?" Well, if I take off my glasses the whole world is blurred, but I'm fairly sure that's not what the intake form at the optometrist is asking.

Or the infamous (and infuriatingly stereotypical) "Would you rather go to a library or a party?" What sort of party? Where? Who's there? I work at a library. Am I currently at the library for work or pleasure? Does it have a good collection?

It's not common figures of speech that confound me. It's ambiguity, in situations that aren't supposed to be ambiguous.

[thatbaldfvck]

Sittin’ pretty シ

[thatbaldfvck]

Topic: "Empaths" and Emotional Intelligence

Really tired of seeing posts along the lines of, “being an emotionally intelligent person means I’ll never be able to hate someone for what they did to me because I just think about what they could be going through” 😩

… that’s just maladaptive empathy. That’s you denying or diminishing your own feelings and experiences to prioritize another persons. You're allowed to be disgusted by somebody who didn't consider you or caused you harm without analyzing their childhood. Empathy is just one relatively small component of emotional intelligence. And a lot of y’all who say shit like that actually have way too much empathy and too little boundaries to be able to call yourself genuinely emotionally intelligent or even self aware.

I can already hear the insufferable self proclaimed empaths saying “uh well I’d rather have too much empathy than not!!! What a weird thing to complain about!!” Which completely misses the point and neglects critical thinking. A lot of y’all need to stop saying you have admirable empathy when in reality you just have the stunted form of it that enables piss poor boundaries, no self respect, and no ability to see a situation for what it really is. You aren’t an “empath” you’re a pushover and most likely a vulnerable victim with no discernment. It's not a brag, it's a red flag.

[thatbaldfvck]

𝙄𝙉𝙏𝙍𝙊𝘿𝙐𝘾𝙏𝙄𝙊𝙉 𝙋𝙊𝙎𝙏 ♥︎

Hi, I’m Xio but I usually go by Xi 👋🏻

For introduction purposes, I’m queer and use they/them pronouns - but I also don’t place too much emphasis on those labels irl. I’m afab and aware that I am commonly perceived as she/her. Of course I’ll respect you more if you use my preferred terms, but I won’t throw a stupid hissy fit about it. I’m secure in myself and who I know I am.

My hobbies/interests include various branches of psychology, philosophy, writing, art, nature, fashion, and music.

I’m disabled and chronically ill - professionally dx with lvl 2 autism, ADHD, GAD, Depression, Schizoaffective, ARFID, cPTSD, hEDS, MCAS, POTS, & PMDD. In the midst of having additional physical health conditions investigated. I require a substantial amount of support on a daily basis. I am no stranger to the hardships of this life.

𝙏𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙗𝙚𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙨𝙖𝙞𝙙 (𝙗𝙡𝙤𝙜 𝙙𝙞𝙨𝙘𝙡𝙖𝙞𝙢𝙚𝙧):

I have some seemingly less popular takes surrounding certain neurodivergent/disabled behaviors and topics. These insights are based on personal experiences and observed patterns that have contributed to my personal development and friendship navigation. I'm not going to argue with offended 14 year olds on the internet. This blog was not created with the intent to start discussions, but rather to give others an idea of what they’d be getting from me personally. I do possess somewhat strong opinions about the current wave of mental health acceptance and advocacy. While I still hold compassion and understand nuance, I’ve done a lot of work to develop clear, firm boundaries and expectations for myself and others regardless of disability status. I will be referencing my past friendships, talking about my personal development, giving my two cents on various ideas, and sharing some life updates along the way. Treating my little corner of the internet as exactly that. You can stay or don’t.

𝙊𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧 𝙧𝙖𝙣𝙙𝙤𝙢 𝙛𝙖𝙘𝙩𝙨 𝙖𝙗𝙤𝙪𝙩 𝙢𝙚:

I’m the parent of a human child and orange brain cell 🐈

My favorite practiced art mediums are sketching and acryllic painting (however I'm currently trying to get more familiar with watercolors and oil)

I can write you a well articulated thesis but If you ask me about my favorite color that’s a different story lol

I consider myself a left leaning modern day centrist. If you believe only one side of the coin can possess good or you speak in extremes, we will not get along.

I’m bald partially by choice, but also to accommodate hair loss and sensory sensitivities from my conditions. I’ve been without hair for the past few years with no plan to try and grow it out. I love both the confidence and the daily relief being hairless has given me. Although I still enjoy switching up my look with a wig every now and then.

I’m a part time mobility aid user due to my dynamic disabilities. I’m currently trying to get more comfortable using them in public spaces when needed. My rollator and cane have helped me immensely.

I’m 2.5 years sober from alcohol and a stimulant addiction that veered me into a really scary place. I’m insanely proud of myself for managing to navigate that and turn it around without the proper urgency or support I needed and deserved.

Journaling privately on paper has never helped me therapeutically. I’m looking forward to using this blog space as a means to express some of my candid thoughts and outlooks. 𝙒𝙚𝙡𝙘𝙤𝙢𝙚 𝙩𝙤 𝙢𝙮 𝙫𝙞𝙧𝙩𝙪𝙖𝙡 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙧𝙮.