the-astrophel-system

[the-astrophel-system]

content warning, talking about my religion :)

if no one's got me, i know Hermes got me

i know i already thanked him, but im aiming to get him a token of appreciation once i have money for it.

i instantly recognised he was checking in on me when a sudden evacuation of a store resulted in my partner saving some money.

when i got home, i thanked him by lighting one of his incense sticks (which also happened to be one that attracts money) and an hour later i got a call about a job interview.

praise Hermes, for your endless guidance and kindess in such a financially difficult time.

i pray i get this job and i can return your kindness

[the-astrophel-system]

ya boy has a place to live and has like 85% of my belongings.

i still dont have a job, but i have enough money coming in from like centrelink and stuff.

ive had only one therapy session in this mess. and i have another one coming up in a few days. so maybe ill have another chance to just like rant and cry.

i feel really hopeless some days, and i recently got sick from anxiety abt picking up my stuff from my mum's house. but i got some cuddles with my cats for a bit. i miss them so much, i so badly wish i could take at least one with me.

anyway ig this was just a random update on the chaotic fuck that is my life rn.

im gonna keep trying to get a job and my licence and stuff.

bye for another indeterminate amount of time x

[the-astrophel-system]

quick update for y'all

my boyfriend dislocated my knee (it was an accident dw we love him)

just got kicked out of home like 20 mins ago and now im couch surfing lol and cant adopt my favourite family cats

and im on season 5 of how i met your mother and im loving it. swarkles for the win

[the-astrophel-system]

I love love love when people ask me to pray for them! yes!! I will pray for you!!!! I will pray for you so hard to every God I believe in!! I wish you all the happiness and love and joy and goodness in the world and I hope my prayers help bring that to you!

[the-astrophel-system]

go on then

I wanna know what people assume about me because of my tumblr.

[the-astrophel-system]

it is so early, ive had like max 4 hours of sleep. i chugged a monster this morning and im stressed for this flight. cant wait to turn my phone of and maybe see some shitty notifs later

[the-astrophel-system]

so i started making a post but idk it turned ranty and idk if i wanna share it. but anyway.

person lore time ✌️

one really shitty part of did that i rarely see talked about besides a fleeting statement, is amesia around people you care about.

small things here and there sure, but also just full amnesia for who the fuck they are, how you know them, memories with them, and safety with them.

a while back, we had smth happen (i think we stopped taking our meds, which we still really rely on) that caused a massive shift in our system. we had a subsystem take over for a while and we were just generally dissociated and unsure of our identity like all the fucking time.

we stopped talking to our best friend and our partner at the time. fully just, nope, dont know you, dont trust you. im scared, dissociated, fully in survival mode, dont wanna talk.

its all super blurry for me, but i do know we only had our best friend (now partner) reach out and constantly try to engage with us to make sure we were still alive (poor guy, we gave him so many heart attacks. i dont know why he stayed)

theres no real way to describe that feeling of being disconnected from everything all the time, apart from just. you are disconnected from everything. i dont know why people want to "have alters". like, good for you that you still feel connected to your life and your relationships and yourself. we've now mostly achieved a full understanding of people we know and care about.

but you dont understand having your family talking to you or asking how you are and you are terrified because you either dont know who the fuck they are, or all you know of them is trauma.

this is the fucking reality of alters and did as a whole. it is dissociation and being disconnected from everything you care about, you dont want this. please for the love of fuck, stop trying to "make alters" or anything like that. if you have alters, you have dissociated parts of yourself. not multiple people in one body, for the love of fuck.

[the-astrophel-system]

flying to darwin today.

very fucking ashamed to admit i thought darwin was in queensland but y'know. thats my geography knowledge i guess. i wouldn't be able to tell you the locations of brisbane or melbourne if it weren't for my sign language classes.

also terrified for the flight but thats my anxiety for you.

i am technically "on holidays" but considering i only have 2 massive books to tie me over, i /might/ (yes, might) post a couple things here.

y'all might be getting fed this week

anyways im gonna cry in a corner bc once again we are having conversations on sysblr weve had like 50 times before

[the-astrophel-system]

i sometimes forget my bf looks at my tumblr, and he sent me a bunch of positive messages abt my recent vent abt gender and stuff. hes such a cutie and i love him.

this man is so nice and calm and he is such a beautiful person inside and out.

im so fucking lucky

[the-astrophel-system]

if you haven't watched i saw the tv glow, please know that it is absolutely beautiful cinema.

i haven't been able to watch it up until a few days ago due to my location, but holy shit.

what a movie. this post may have a mental breakdown (it does!)

the lighting was absolutely gorgeous, pieced together with the wardrobe??? beautiful storytelling. the sound is phenomenal. the acting is so so heartbreaking. justice and jack made the most incredible people (not characters) in this movie. ive never watched such a raw, personal, movie.

i am gonna go into what that movie meant for me and my "i saw the tv glow" trend, but if you dont wanna read that, by all means scroll.

fully a vent. brief tw of family member dying, and a lot of family not being fully supportive of me being trans. read at your own discretion

i first knew something was off when i first kinda heard about what being trans was, when i first met a group of queer people in highschool (year 8 for the aussies, last year of middle school for the americans?).

hi, my name is ash and i have dissociative identity disorder. while the disorder is not the topic of this post, it has influenced my perception of identity, and in turn, gender.

they introduced me to the complexities of the queer community when i was first exploring my sexuality.

eventually, i changed my name and said i was nonbinary. i didn't even pick up they/them for so long. i felt so conflicted with pronouns, i felt like everything was always shifting and not feeling right.

i knew i wasn't a boy, at least i didn't really like the association, and i guess i didn't mind being a girl. i guess that was just who i am, and of course i wasn't comparable to this group who knew within their hearts they were a different gender.

after a good while of soul searching and realising i was experiencing gender dysphoria, i found out that non binary is a wild, wild spectrum and im also allowed to experiment with things until i found who i was.

and then i found out about did and started exploring that. okay, my host was a demi-girl and some of my main protectors were male. easy enough. externally i just stuck with the nonbinary thing, he/they and i went through a few different names. some people got it, some didn't. and i didn't ever dare remind people, because that would come off as rude and hostile. if anyone ever forgot or slipped up, i said it was fine and no harm done. (fucking major harm done tbh)

school was actually a lot better than family. immediate fam was okay, my younger brother is still struggling but i try not to hold it against him. my mum saw how depressed i was and just wanted me to be happy. school only had a few assholes here and there. people weren't quite sure about my pronouns but almosy everyone used my preferred name. i guess im quite lucky.

im about 6 years into my gender journey now, my whole family knows, i use preferred names (alter names if they know about my disorder) with every encounter in public. but my fucking family? family and doctors? haha no.

i am standing in the corner of that fucking party dressed in pink, no meds, not even a legal name change. ive chosen ash after i told my family, but half of them still deadname me, and dont even use my old preferred name so i see no fucking point in trying. i keep trying to give excuses and not be mad.

but im so angry. i just wanna scream "IM DYING, WHY WONT YOU HELP ME?" if i am meant to be an important part of my family's life, then they should be understanding and trying harder. i am trying here, i dont see why they cant see it from my point of view.

i am constantly trying to claw my way back into the tv and i keep getting dragged back. my brother died last year, i cant just cut off my whole family. i cant do that. i have fucking dreamt about it. i dont think im ever going to get some of them to listen. i just wish "meeting them halfway" didn't mean "just sit and accept them deadnaming you before you can even introduce yourself to someone" like. fuck.

i dont have the funds to cut them off. i dont have the money to just say fuck you all and leave.

i saw the tv glow and my whole family is trying to disconnect the power.

but at least i have my boyfriend who said he would replug it as many times as needed until we can bask in the glow together

[the-astrophel-system]

my boyfriend and i have recently watching some fucking incredible stuff.

one of those things was our flag means death. when i tell y'all that show broke me. i mean it broke me.

gay silly little pirates.

please im ill.

ed is my favourite, obviously. im emo, he kinda has to be.

izzy hands could fix me, i fear. my babygirl. do NOT get me started on the birthday episode.

stede is just a little guy.

JIM. YOU CUTIE. JIM I LOVE YOU. MWAH.

the rest of my crew. please have my first born child, i love you all so fucking much. you're all so precious.

i hate that it was cancelled (like you know whose life). i will never recover from that.

thank you.

gonna go wish that ending never happened x

[the-astrophel-system]

"how it works in diagnostics is-" WRONG.

in the dsm 5, it will tell you how many points of the criteria you need to meet. its different for a lot of disorders. there are many disorders where you need to fit all criteria. there are some where you need to meet a majority of the list. there are some where there are 2 or more sections of criteria where you need to meet all of section 1 and at least half of section 2.

with did, iirc it needs to say you need to meet all the criteria, or if it doesn't say that, it is implied you need to meet all criteria. because it would say if you only needed to meet half.

cdds have alters. however, different aspects of the self can occur in other dissociative disorders. it happens in ifs. it can happen in your day to day (work me vs home me) or in cases of trauma. what is fundamental to cdds is that this division of personality through dissociative barriers happens in early life (childhood) and it is maladaptive to the point of /extreme/ disconnection within oneself.

cdds are more than just "having alters" it is the whole foundation of critical dissociation and trauma responses. but cdds are the only case where those aspects of self "turn into" (for lack of better word) alters.

no one wants others to be miserable (at least, they shouldn't).

and yes, a LOT of people spread misinfo, and thats whay we're trying to do. y'all tell us to focus on correcting people, but as soon as we try do that, its also wrong.

"plurality" cannot be comparable to cdds because the whole foundation of trauma and dissociation is not there. that is the point of cdds. and y'all are saying that plurality is non traumagenic, so stop acting like /trauma/ based disorder is comparable and the same as your not traumatised one

anti endos will be like, “no did isn’t just an alter disorder!” and then proceed to make it seem like just an alter disorder

[the-astrophel-system]

morlock is ableist once again /j

also once again proud that i dont touch discord with a ten foot pole

Hot take but pluralkit/octocon/tupperbox/etc aren't accessibility tools. They are discord bots. You don't need them.

[the-astrophel-system]

im howling at some of these. but simultaneously getting more depressed as i go

The List of horrendous shit I've seen said in the system community

General cw for pedophilic shit

I've been adding stuff to this for a while but some of it is older things from weird people I knew. Stupid people with stupid takes get The List

[the-astrophel-system]

Hello everyone!

I just wanted to tell you that I love you

I love you, even if you feel unlovable for whatever reason

I love you, even if you have a stigmatised disorder

I love you, even if others find you annoying

I love you, even if you have made mistakes

I love you, even if people think you aren’t trying hard enough

I love you, even if you aren’t viewed as worth it

I love you, even if you are deemed wrong

I love you, no matter how you look

I love you, no matter what you believe in

I love you, no matter where you come from

I love you, no matter how much money you have

I love you, especially if you don't love yourself

I love you 💙

[the-astrophel-system]

the only time ive ever had a hangout been referred to as a "date" is when it was a date, or said person was flirting with me lol

sooo, think its definitely a date date

edited bc i suck at grammer lol. point still stands

THIS IS NOT A DRILL GUYS SHE SAID IT'S A DATE

[the-astrophel-system]

10 responses so far, with plenty more to come. I really hope my bf doesn't mind me doing this but here are some photos of its progress and responses!

First we have a brief snapshot of the kind of set up of the page! Next is the responses regarding what disorders people are talking about. And then I saw these two great responses about common misconceptions about their conditions. NPD and BPD

Mental Health Experience Form

Hello everyone, my partner is currently making a magazine around mental health and I have helped in the creation of a Google form where people can share their experiences of their disorders!

You don't need to answer all of the questions, but of course, more information is helpful. If you have multiple conditions, please fill this out multiple times, if you so wish, just so we have experiences categorised by what disorder you are talking about.

These responses will be shared both privately and publicly, but of course we will prevent any sensitive information (full names, locations, etc) from being shared.

Here is the link: https://forms.gle/oAL9a53sRp8hWLs57

Thank you all so much! If you'd like, please share for reach, and let us know if you have any feedback on the form!