the-autistic-cat-queen

[the-autistic-cat-queen]

Being a late diagnosed autistic person and then having to unpack everything that happened to you in your childhood. That right there, it really messes you up.

Things that you used to find easy now seem difficult, and things that were already hard now feel impossible.

Suddenly talking to your friends now feels like it's a chore, it's no longer as simple as reading what they've said and replying accordingly. It's sitting there and looking at their texts and trying to decipher and make sense of what they have written.

Everything now seems to take so much longer to process, and by the time you've worked out what they've put, you're now already feeling overstimulated, overwhelmed and no longer know how to respond.

So instead what do you do? You just sit there staring at your screen. And if you're anything like me you might even put your phone down because the idea of replying right there and then gives you anxiety. It all just feels that little bit too much.

Just know if you've ever experienced this, you're not crazy, and you're not a bad person. You likely just have a lot of unresolved trauma that you've experienced over the years and you've not yet had the time to come to terms with it all.

Also if you're reading this, just know that you are important and you do matter. If you've ever thought that you've had to work extra hard over the years to get people to like you, I'm sorry that you've ever felt the need to do that. Please know that you are enough just the way you are.

Thank you for reading. 💕🧸

[the-autistic-cat-queen]

Going off my last post about how being autistic is so hard.

I decided to double down and order myself the Stitch plush too.

Now I know that might seem a little impulsive and I guess it kind of is, however look at them, you can't have one and not the other. That would just be cruel. (At least that's what I'm secretly telling myself).

Besides they look so adorable together. We go through life worrying about so many things and it's in these worrying moments that we need to realise just how short life is.

My life might not be perfect, but if I can grab myself a little bit of happiness here and there, why not. After all who is it really hurting?

As for the movie, my partner and I went to see it last friday, it was really good. Oddly enough Angel wasn't really in it, she was mentioned briefly, but if you weren't paying attention you could of easily missed it.

The movie was what I would describe as an exact remake, only now it was live action and if I'm being honest much better than the original, I feel it captured the emotions of the characters much better. I'm not going to lie it had me in tears multiple times. In many way I could relate to Lilo as I too got bullied in school for being different / socially awkward.

I would say if you enjoyed the originally movie you will really enjoy this one too.

Despite Angel not really being in the movie, it was really nice to be able to cuddle her whilst watching it.

Once I have both plushes I'll take some pictures of them together.

Once again thank you for reading. 💙

Below are photos of the matching Stitch plush I just ordered.

[the-autistic-cat-queen]

Being autistic is so hard.

Growing up not knowing what was wrong with you and being bullied because of it was so traumatic.

Being in your mid 40s and not having your mum and dad in your life to support you for the past 20 years feels kind of soul crushing.

Always feeling like you don't belong or that you don't deserve to exist is depressing.

Always second guessing yourself or why you do things is exhausting.

Watching others around you and wishing you could be more like them, that you could somehow blend in and be part of something, but the moment you try you feel like you're drowning.

My mind feels like it's in a constant state of fight or flight. All my life I've been taught I need to be strong, so because of this I struggle to feel vulnerable around others.

With that being said I really love cute things and I try so hard to allow myself to express that side of me. To be able to unmask and show that part of me if you will. That inner child or maybe it's just my true inner being. Who knows, all I know is that when I do express that part of me I get a lot of imposter syndrome. I worry if any of it is really me or if it's just what I wish was me. It's all very confusing.

It's like this weekend my partner and I are going to watch the new Lilo & Stitch movie. So because of this I decided to order myself the character Angel from it. However now I'm worried it was an impulsive buy. It's just I really don't have much money at the moment, but at the same time I really love the idea of having that plush with me when we go.

However sadly, now I'm feeling guilty for buying it. It's like what am I doing with my life, why did I feel the need to do that? Did I only do it because I've heard of others like myself doing it? I guess in my mind it just sounded cute and I liked the idea of others seeing me with it and thinking, oh that's adorable.

My big worry is, I'll never be able to grow up, and I really struggle with that concept. I equally struggle with the idea of ever having to grow up. To me that sounds so traumatising.

Well anyway I just needed to get my thoughts out, so if you managed to read all of this, thank you. 💜

Before I go here are some pictures of the plush toy I just ordered.

[the-autistic-cat-queen]

Emily's day of adoption. - Part 2

A Trip to McDonalds with her new adoptive family and friends. 🧸

Emily sat patiently waiting on her milkshake.

📷 Photo taken by myself on the 20th of January 2025

Emily's new friend Buttermilk brings over a milkshake for her.

📷 Photo taken by myself on the 20th of January 2025

Emily is lost in thought wondering what a milkshake will taste like.

📷 Photo taken by myself on the 20th of January 2025

Emily enjoying some strawberry milkshake.

📷 Photo taken by myself on the 20th of January 2025

Emily experiencing brain freeze for the first time.

📷 Photo taken by myself on the 20th of January 2025

Emily is thinking about how long of day she's had, and is feeling happy overall.

📷 Photo taken by myself on the 20th of January 2025

Emily is wondering to herself if shes drinking the milkshake correctly.

📷 Photo taken by myself on the 20th of January 2025

Emily is looking around the room to see how others are drinking their milkshakes so she can reassure herself.

📷 Photo taken by myself on the 20th of January 2025

Mooncake is getting ready to enjoy a McFlurry.

📷 Photo taken by myself on the 20th of January 2025

Mooncake is feeling a little disappointed that the Maltesers in her McFlurry aren't the full size ones.

📷 Photo taken by myself on the 20th of January 2025

[the-autistic-cat-queen]

Emily's day of adoption. - Part 1

A Trip to a Japanese restaurant with Mooncake and friends. 🧸

Emily feeling unsure of her new environment and friends.

📷 Photo taken by myself on the 20th of January 2025

Mooncake looking forward to trying some chilli broth ramen.

📷 Photo taken by myself on the 20th of January 2025

Emily feeling a little more confident after Mooncake convinced her everything would be fine.

📷 Photo taken by myself on the 20th of January 2025

Emily hearing that she will be going to McDonald's next for some ice-cream and milkshake.

📷 Photo taken by myself on the 20th of January 2025

Salt & Chilli Tofe.

📷 Photo taken by myself on the 20th of January 2025

Takoyaki.

📷 Photo taken by myself on the 20th of January 2025

[the-autistic-cat-queen]

Saski and Mooncake in weatherspoons a few moments before we decided to leave to go the Indian restaurant for the first time. 🧡❤️

📷 Photos taken by myself on the 15th of January 2025

[the-autistic-cat-queen]

Fine dining with Mooncake.

When should you tip?

📷 Photos taken by myself on the 15th of January 2025

The day before yesterday was the first time in almost 15 years of being with my partner, and my first time ever in my 45 years on this planet, that I've been able to go out to a formal restaurant to fine dine.

It's not that there hasn't been opportunities within my lifetime, but for the small amount that there has been I've always just felt it was either too expensive or I've just been full of anxiety at the idea of being in such a formal setting.

Well the day before yesterday, my partner and I decided to go to an Indian restaurant. Our original plan was to go to a small Japanese restaurant that is located in the small town where we live. However unfortunately for us it's closed on Wednesdays. So instead we decided to go to our local weatherspoons bar where they have free refills on hot drinks like tea and coffee.

As we now sat drinking our coffee we looked online to see what other restaurants are available in our local area. That's when we discovered there was an Indian restaurant less than a minutes walk away. As we decided on what we would like to eat and how much it might all come to it got us thinking more and more about social standards and what's expected with dining in such places. You see like myself my partner also struggles with social etiquette and is also likely on the autism spectrum like myself. The more and more we thought things over, the more and more uneasy and anxious we both became. That’s when it suddenly occurred to us, what about tipping? Is it normal to tip here in Scotland? Is it normal to tip in any part of the UK? And if so how much should we be tipping?

Being autistic, I've never really understood the whole concept of tipping. Now don't get me wrong I understand why people tip to a certain degree, they say it's usually because the staff are underpaid or are on minimum wage. See this is what really bothers me, when it comes to fast food restaurants like McDonald's or Burger King you never really hear of anyone tipping these, but why not? They are also on minimum wage, why do we tip one set of people and not the others? I'll never understand that, yet we will happily tip people at fancy restaurants? It's all so confusing to me.

Anyway to get back to the story, so we are still sat in weatherspoons trying to look up if you are meant to leave a tip and if so how much? After looking up information online and messaging some family and friends, we got some very mixed results. Some people said leaving a tip is important, others said I wouldn't bother, as we don't really do that here in the UK. Some articles online said 18% to 30% is the normal going rate, and that most people just tip around the 20% mark which is considered standard. One person said if the meal is good I’ll give them a little extra, if the food tastes bad then I’ll usually only tip them 10%.

See, it's all so confusing, after all we are supposed to be tipping the serving staff not the chef. So why would you tip them less if the food was bad? When the food literally has nothing to do with them, other than how it's placed on your table.

After talking and thinking everything over we both started to feel really overwhelmed and anxious at the idea of what they would even think of us. Would they be ok with how I was dressed? As one of the comfort things that I always like to wear is my cat ears, without them I feel really insecure. I feel they have slowly become a big part of my personality. Then there is my stuffies, I like to carry at least two plush toys with me when ever I leave the house, this time I had Mooncake (my red panda) and Saski (a fennec fox I bought my partner many years ago). I also like to take at least one Blythe doll with me, which I’ll usually hold in my hand. I feel holding one of the doll brings me a lot of joy and comfort.

Now normally when we go to our local weatherspoons, all the staff know me there, so they are used to me with all my items. But now I'm sat picturing in my mind what the staff at the Indian restaurant might think of me, will they think I'm strange? Will they tell me I have to put all my comfort items away? Just these thoughts alone made me feel extremely anxious. What if I struggle with the place feeling to formal? What if we don't tip them, will they not want us coming back? What if we tip them too little, will they feel insulted? So many questions yet not enough answers.

By the time we had talked everything over my partner said, let’s just go home, maybe we aren’t cut out for this, maybe we should just order a takeaway instead. I felt sad at this idea, so as I held her hand to try and reassure her, I said what’s the worse that can happen, we go in there and they turn us away, or we go in there and if we don’t enjoy ourselves, or we just happen to offend them, we never have to go back. I think we should at least try it once. After another 5 to 10 minutes of going over everything that could go wrong and not knowing what to expect, we both decided to be brave and give things a go.

As we entered the Indian restaurant a gentleman walked over and welcomed us in and asked if we would like a table for two. We both replied yes please, he then said I'll take you to your table as he started walking us towards a table close to a window. At which point I said please can we have the table at the back. (Just the idea of sitting near a window and others seeing us eat as they walked past just didn't sit right with me.) I wanted somewhere more secluded, somewhere that I wouldn't have to feel so on show.

As we sat down and he handed us our menus, I was feeling really anxious about if I could put my things on the table and if so, would I be allowed to get my camera out to take some pictures. As I'm just sitting there stimming, fiddling with my fingers, not really knowing what to expect or what I'm allowed to do or not do. My partner tried to reassure me. Suddenly I was the one struggling and she was the one appearing more confident, it was like suddenly she because this character full of confidence. It was at this point I tried to be a little braver myself. So I decided to put my red panda on the table, and the second that I did, I felt instantly calmer. Suddenly Mooncake was there looking really adorable. It was at this point I felt less anxious and less worried about what they thought of me, after all we were their customer and it's us they are aiming to please, not the other way around.

The staff there seemed really lovely and even commented on how cute Mooncake was. I think this also put me at ease.

After we had finished our meals, I went to the restroom whilst my partner asked how we would go about paying for our bill, to which a lady give her a little book with the receipt inside. When I sat back down I asked my partner how much it had all come to and what do you think we should do about a tip? The bill had come to £59. Prior to entering the restaurant we had already taken £80 out of the bank just to be safe, as we heard if you pay by card there could be tax or surcharges added on.

After discussing things over we both agreed that £65 seemed fair as that’s just over 10%. When we walked over to the desk to pay, I explained to the lady that was there that this was our first time eating here, and that we didn't really understand the whole tipping system, or if people here in Scotland even tipped. I then continued to say that I hope £65 is enough and that we are not insulting you or anything, as the food was really lovely and I’ll be leaving you a great review. She just seemed to nod and smiled. You see in my mind, if in the UK it's not mandatory, then a tip of 0% is considered normal, but if in the US the standard rate is 20%, then 10% seemed the most appropriate outcome. At least that's what my brain told me at the time.

It's still all a little overwhelming, and as much as the food was amazing, I'm not sure I'd like to do it too often, I felt even though I had my comfort items with me, I had to heavily mask just to try and fit it, as did my partner who I feel did amazingly in the end, by the time we got home we both felt exhausted and tired.

Does anyone else struggling like this? Was our tip enough? Was our tip even necessary? Let me know in the comments.

[the-autistic-cat-queen]

Life is incredibly difficult just now.

Due to some struggles I'm having in my life at the moment, I may not post very often. I do however hope that everyone else is doing ok.

[the-autistic-cat-queen]

A little gift to myself.

On Monday 30th December I decided to adopted this beautiful little girl.

She is having to be imported as the seller is based in the US. she is absolutely adorable and should be with me in a couple of weeks. 😊 I've decided to name her Emily. I'm so excited for her arrival, and I honestly can't wait to be able take her out with me everywhere I go. 🥰

Of course I'll switch between my other dolls so that no one feels left out. (Yes I'm not crazy, I'm aware they don't have feelings) or do they? 🤔 Haha. 😅

Here are some more photos of her. 😍

[the-autistic-cat-queen]

A Happy Hogmanay from Mooncake. 🍺🧸🎈🎊🎉

📷 Photo taken by myself on the 31st of December 2024

[the-autistic-cat-queen]

Teenager Chloe trying to sneak out the house to be with her friends.

📷 Photo taken by myself on the 30th of December 2024

[the-autistic-cat-queen]

Meet Teko.

Here is Teko with one of her best friends Mooncake.

📷 Photo taken by myself on the 27th of December 2024

Teko is an adorable tatty teddy or more famously know as, a "Me to You" bear. I bought her earlier this year back in April. She is preloved as I bought her second-hand from Ebay. She has a small mark on her right foot, but honestly, I feel it just adds to her charm. 😊

As I'm carefully learning to unmask and embrace my autism more and more, Teko and Mooncake have slowly become two of my favourite comfort items that I like to take out with me wherever I go. 🙂

I love the way they make me feel, they always seem to have a way of adding that little something special to the table when drinking my coffee, or if I'm just popping out into town with my partner they always seem to give me a sense of calm. 🥰☕

I honestly wish I had them sooner. What a difference it makes to have your special items with you when you leave the house. 🏠

[the-autistic-cat-queen]

A Cosy Wee Christmas

📷 Photo taken by myself on the 27th of December 2024

I decided to make a wee Christmas scene today when I went out for coffee with my partner. Here is two of my Blythe dolls, Nayah and Sapphire. 🎄🎁🧸

I love how chill and relaxed our local Weatherspoon's is, they just allow me to get on with things. ☕

I even had an older gentleman say to me marry Christmas, which in itself was really lovely.💕

I feel with the limited Christmas things that I have, I'm quite pleased with how everything has turned out. 🥰

[the-autistic-cat-queen]

Meet Nayah.

📷 Photo taken by myself on the 18th of December 2024

"I didn't do it" Is Nayah telling the truth? 🧸

🌺🧸NH x

[the-autistic-cat-queen]

Meet Mooncake.

📷 Photo taken by myself on the 21st of December 2024

Mooncake is part of the blue nose Me to You family and friends range. (Her original blue nose name is listed as Ember.) She is a small adorable red panda that was given to me by a really good friend.

Mooncake has only been in my life for a short period of time, but in this time she has slowly become one of my favourite comfort items that I enjoy to take out with me whenever I leave the house.

As you can see she is very photogenetic and extremely adorable. 🥰

Should my friend get around to seeing this, I just want her to know how truly grateful I am. 🌷

🌺🧸NH x

[the-autistic-cat-queen]

From one autistic girl to another.

📷 Photo taken by myself on the 23rd of December 2024

The most wonderful thing happened the other day.

As me and my partner arrived at our local bus stop to get the bus into town, we overheard a mother say to an older man how her young daughter was autistic and non verbal. She went on to explain to him that she doesn't really talk to anyone and can only say a few words but rarely ever talks at all.

Just as she said this, her beautiful daughter who looked around the age of 8 or 9 gave me the prettiest smile. She then looked at the teddies I had in my bag and then smiled again. She then made eye contact with myself and then looked towards my doll, as I was holding it in my hand like in this photo.

it was at that very moment that she struggled really hard to express some words but couldn't quite get them out. I then smiled back to reassure her that everything was ok, at which point she tried again but this time she managed to say hi.

Just as the words came out I smiled again and said hi back, to which she then said hi for a second time, but this time she started to wave her hand at me. I couldn't believe it, this little girl who rarely talks felt comfortable enough to engage with me.

I felt accepted, I felt validated by her, this young sweet girl could see we were similar. She could see me for who I was, so I said hi again and waved back, I could tell that she felt safe around me.

Her mother even seemed surprised, she said I think she likes your doll. At which I just smiled and continued to wave to the little girl as she kept waving at me.

If there is one thing I've learnt in the last couple of months is that it's ok to be different, and that it's ok to be yourself, even if being yourself isn't considered orthodox.

If me being myself has allowed this child to know that it's ok to be different, that is ok for her to be herself, that it's ok for her to not follow social norms to feel accepted, then I feel me unmasking is a blessing in disguise, even if it might be viewed as strange by others.

🌺🧸NH x

[the-autistic-cat-queen]

Welcome to my page, I hope you will feel at home here.

📷 Photo taken by myself on the 12th of December 2024

Well where do I start?

I guess I should start by saying I’m 45 years young, autistic, I love all cats and I’m asexual. My pronouns are she/her, I share a flat with my wonderful partner and our 4 beautiful cats. I love my partner very dearly, she is actually the complete opposite to myself when it comes to her sexuality, this can at times make things a little tricky, but somehow we always manage to muddle through and make things work.

Growing up I’ve always found myself more drawn to femininity, I could go as far as to consider myself as an asexual lesbian, however I don't really like to put myself in a box. I believe boxes are best suited for cats

Despite being in my 40s, I would consider myself young minded, intelligent, and a person who has a good heart. I hate to see others around me struggle. I’m a big believer in always trying to boost people up, rather than to try and drag them down. I’d consider myself an empath as I tend to feel other peoples pain, which I guess can make me a bit of an emotional person at times.

Being autistic I tend to speak my mind, this can be a good and bad thing, as sometimes it helps others to understand me, but other times it just makes situations more awkward.

For years I have heavily masked, because of this it made it very difficult for me to say no to things. It’s only in the last year or so that I’ve actually started to put my own feelings first. Even then I still struggle with this a lot as I tend to be a bit of a people pleaser. This is something I’m still working to improve.

I’ve always been known for having a great sense of humour, in fact for many years I used to use humour as a defence mechanism. I found it always helped hide just how anxious and shy I was. If people are laughing, they are not noticing just how awkward you are. It’s only in the last couple of months that I’ve managed to stop doing this as much. I’ve been slowly trying to lower my mask a little bit by bit each day. I now use comfort items when out and about as a way of feeling more at ease.

Since I was a teenager I always wanted to get into photography, but back then I struggled and lacked any kind of direction to ever get things done. It’s only just now in the last year that I’ve found myself lucky enough to be able to buy myself a professional camera.

I’ve recently found myself drawn to collecting Blythe dolls, in fact I just love everything to do with them. If I’m being completely honest they have become a little bit of an obsession of mine. I originally found myself collecting Sylvanian families, but I think the only reason I got so heavily into collecting them, was because at the time I was growing up I wasn’t ever allowed any of them. Now don’t get me wrong, I still love my Sylvanians, but Blythes are were my heart is at. In fact I’ve only just recently bought myself a new sewing machine. My plans are to start making outfits for all my dolls. I also plan to collect all the tools needed to get into doll customisation. It’s something I’m feeling quite passionate about. I feel after many many years I might actually have found something I’m really into.

Between Blythe dolls, Sylvanians and Me to You bears (Tatty Teddies) I’ve found myself taking them out wherever I go, in fact I won’t leave the house without at least one doll and some kind of plush toy. I find having these comfort items take away any feelings of anxiety I might have and also removes the need to make idle conversion with strangers. (of course I’ll still chat to people, but now I don’t feel the need to turn everything into a joke).

People often tell me I have a great sense of imagination; some have even said my imagination seems to go beyond the normal limits of thinking. As I tend to go into a rumble offering so much detail when explaining different scenarios or situations that could or might occur. I guess I just have an overactive mind and vivid imagination.

Other hobbies and interests that I’ve enjoyed over the years are singing / song writing, poetry, quote creation, mixed martial arts, gaming, anime, TV shows, movies, drawing / painting, cooking and maintaining a tidy home.

I love making new friends, though this is something I’ve often struggled with at times as people who have gotten to know the real me have often taking advantage of my good nature. I must say I do love a good hug, hugs to me are like a blanket for the soul.

If there is one thing I’ve learnt it’s never try to reason with an idiot, they will just drag you down to their level and always win. That's because they are never willing to admit when they might be wrong.

Things that I dislike are; drunken men, creepy clowns / carnivals, but most of all giant moths with their big red evil looking eyes, black leather jackets and Tommy guns, I just don’t like the way they seem to always want to flap their giant wings in your face. They are like the baddies of butterflies. I’m pretty sure if they could they would slowly try to take over the world. (Well okay, I might be slightly exaggerating, but you get the idea.) I guess what I’m trying to say is, I don’t really like things fluttering so close to my face, that and they kind of look creepy.

Over time I’ve realised that life is full of many epic moments, and that failure just happens to be one of them, when this happens it’s often known as an “epicfail” When such a moment occurs cake can often be offered as a gift, usually this is done by friends, it’s their way of showing that someone still cares, and this is known as “failcake”. Failcake comes in lots of different colours, shapes and sizes. I personally like cakes, so failure is not such a bad thing :)

And finally I’ll end things with a quote I made many many eons ago.

"True greatness is not something to be seen, it’s something to be felt" – NH

🌺🧸NH x