theartoffresco - Tumblr blog

[theartoffresco]

[theartoffresco]

It's me. Hi. In my rainbow era... 🌈

[theartoffresco]

[theartoffresco]

"I was black and white and grey." Saying see you later to my past eras. Have you kept up with my stories and know what's coming? 😉

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[theartoffresco]

Today marks thirteen years to the day and almost hour since I was discharged Brisbane's Mater Children's Hospital psychiatric ward following a few attempts that luckily, for the ones who know and/or love me, failed. So, I thought why not for a second year in a row highlight and put the focus on one of the good things that have come out of me continuing to survive despite it all.

This is a special shout out to the OG best friend, one of the most beautiful humans I know to have ever appeared on the face of this planet and one of the people you can thank for me being here today. You know who she is, the one and only Britta.

So, our friendship hasn't always been smooth-sailing on account of my idiot self for mucking things up, but what I can say is we currently present in each other's lives. As our inception goes, we met in high school. I think it was the study of religion where we connected and I remember the moment she asked me if I thought we could be best friends. It was only after a few classes and, of course, having never had best friend before I wholeheartedly accepted the offer. Turns out it would be one of the best decisions I would ever make.

She arrived at the right time. She made me feel safe and loved, seen and heard, so it didn't take me long to share with her some of the things I hadn't really shared with anyone at the time. My mental health struggles had been long, but it wasn't until I was best friends with Britta that I got the help I needed.

In the initial stages of the getting-the-help-I-needed journey she burst out in tears, one of the few times I've ever seen her cry, in fear of my reaction to her reaching out to high school-related resources about my situation. Of course, I wasn't mad, simply scared, if anything. And there began the beginning of my attempt to mind my head.

She did what no one before her had done and gotten the right people involved. I guess it's because she didn't want to lose one of the most valued people to her at the time. Months would pass and she was my literal shoulder to cry on more times than I could count throughout. Then, things were okay between us until they weren't.

There was a time I grew distant and more troubled and lost sight of what mattered most to me, which led to a misunderstanding on a fire-drill Wednesday and ultimately formed the catalyst for me to make attempts on my life. Of course, I should mention, what happened between us wasn't the sole reason behind why I made the attempts that I did as attempts tend to be multifaceted. But I spent the following Thursday and Friday at home making attempts so I did not have to face another day experiencing this little life of mine.

Evidently, my plans did not see through, so when I returned to school the next week, that did not stop me from trying again. I tried something at lunchtime on the Monday (or was it the Tuesday) and spent the rest of the afternoon clammy with the feeling that I was going to pass out at any second. That was the last of my attempts before I relayed everything to my occupational therapist on the Wednesday, which only happened to be the second session with him, where I eventually found my parents driving me to Mater Children's Hospital in Brisbane later that night for a stay of an unknown amount of time. For the record, I stayed nine days.

I am unsure as to what went on inside of me, but I felt different towards Britta from that time onwards and not in a positive sense. Unfortunately, I never spoke a word to her about how she was making me feel, which did not give the opportunity for discussion and healing if something was definitely off. And something was off. Something was off and I was hurting. So, during another lunchtime I finally made a fool of myself and drove that wedge between us. We hardly interacted after that. And I spent the rest of the year a little lost and confused and feeling as though I didn't belong anywhere. Then, before we knew it, it was our high school valedictory dinner.

I did not think about it then until recent times, but that could have been the last time I ever saw her. Maybe that's why, at one point in the night, I grabbed her by the arm as she was walking away and pulled her back for a hug. She was so gracious as to even whisper an "I love you," in my ear.

Fast-forward many years later and I finally found the courage to message her and say sorry for how I left things, but she dropped off the social media sphere altogether, soon after that message was sent, for reasons I did not find out about until she reappeared another few years later. But, yes, that meant we eventually reconnected.

Perhaps it was the universe's work as I once in the bathroom wished upon a loose eyelash that she would come back into my life, but whatever it is that brought us back as friends, I am glad and grateful for where we are now. She even visited me back in 2019 and we hope it does not take another eight years to see each other again.

So, what did I learn after all this? Well, as the saying goes, I learnt to: "Never ignore someone who loves and cares about you. 'Cause one day you may realise you lost the moon while counting the stars." I also learned that Britta is more than enough and will always be one of my favourite people.

So, I pledge to spend the rest of my little life making it up to her whilst synchronously finding the space to forgive myself for what happened between me and my dear friend. I love you always and forever, here and beyond, my Britta. I hope you know how much you mean to me. And there is no other I would have dedicated my first poetry book to… 🖤

[theartoffresco]

[theartoffresco]

Hey Tumblr! It's official! My second poetry book 'Eight Lines' is now available worldwide via Amazon! Find the link in my bio! And I would like to not forget to wish the amazing human whom the book is dedicated to, my dearest Tayla, the most special day! Almost twelve years of knowing each other and I am still learning a great deal because of the way you carry yourself on this Earth! You are adventurous, so brave, caring, incredibly loving and resilient as hell, to name a few traits! You know what you mean to me, but I would just like to publicly reiterate that I grow partly stronger every day for having you in my corner! Happy you day, my love! 🖤

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