thechroniclesoforphic

[thechroniclesoforphic]

the sexual tension between me and the idea of disappearing forever

[thechroniclesoforphic]

[thechroniclesoforphic]

[thechroniclesoforphic]

[thechroniclesoforphic]

No! Pain is not fun. It’s not beautiful to be wounded. You don’t get to kiss my scars! Don’t paint beautiful pictures with my blood! I’m broken I’m dying as screaming for help!

I’m drowning in my sin and tears, pull me out. I can’t save me.

[thechroniclesoforphic]

But who do I have when I feel like the world is falling apart. Who can I tell when everything about me isn’t making sense.

[thechroniclesoforphic]

The agonising moment when the voices say “nobody else is sad, it’s just you”

[thechroniclesoforphic]

I’ve always thought I was a little better than everyone else for being “low maintenance” until it hit me one day that I’m not that way because it’s who I am, I had to learn to be satisfied with the absolute least growing up because people who owed me the world destroyed mine and my wings of hope got crippled by expectations that were never met. So no, I am no better than anyone, in fact I am sickly compared to them.. I suffer from the parasitic fear of disappointment that controls my mind.

[thechroniclesoforphic]

Isn’t it scary when you realise you might not have an actual personality because everything that makes you who you are is either a survival instinct you had to learn as a child or a coping mechanism you developed as an adult. I think it’s terrifying. Don’t you.

[thechroniclesoforphic]

[thechroniclesoforphic]

Federico García Lorca, from a letter to María del Reposo Urquía, featured in The Selected Letters

[thechroniclesoforphic]

“Your feelings are wrong. Delete those thoughts.”

He couldn’t be bothered to ask himself what he might’ve done or said to contribute to my feeling that way.. let alone try to reassure me that there’s no reason for me to feel that way.

It’s funny how I typed a long paragraph and just before I sent it, I realised that there’s no use trying to explain yourself to someone who has already reached their own conclusions about what they think you should feel and be. I knew in that moment that I deserved better. So much better than working double to prove a point, get heard and be acknowledged. I deserve so much more than someone who cares about me sometimes. I deserved to care about myself enough to walk away from occasional affection and convenient relationships.

It’s painful to choose yourself when you’ve been so accustomed to being chosen by other people.

But the bright side is, you’re the only one you’ve got when everyone else decides to quit on loving you the way you deserve.

[thechroniclesoforphic]

“I’m sick and tired of writing about love! A love I never experience.. it’s physically making me sick, the yearning the pain of it all.. draining me of all life because what is living without reason to breathe once more.”

“I hate how easily I equate my existential crisis to the lack of affection.. is there nothing more to me than desperation and self pity? Have I become so pathetically obsessed with puppy love that I’ve lost all sense of purpose?”

I suppose these are the conversations people avoid with themselves… because we know there is more to us. Let’s allow ourselves to stop being reduced to objects of a toxic and destructive love, a gluttonous and lustrous love, a promiscuous and dangerous love that has no substance, respect and integrity to drive it.

Who are you when there’s nobody to fixate on?

[thechroniclesoforphic]

They were wrong. All of them. It’s not the best to be wanted, no. Not if it’s not by you..

[thechroniclesoforphic]

reblog to permanently delete and to ban all porn everywhere, and to ban and delete it forever. 

[thechroniclesoforphic]

I know this embrace is supposed to make me feel safe but I can’t shake the feeling of being trapped every time I’m in your arms. Of course I’m scared of happiness.

[thechroniclesoforphic]

Nobody talks about the addictive side of loneliness.