thelifeofmisschessiedene-blog - Tumblr blog

[thelifeofmisschessiedene-blog]

"Say what you mean outloud."

Gabbie Hanna debut single Outloud

[thelifeofmisschessiedene-blog]

“You Saved My Life” My online diary pt 1

So. I just watched Sam Goblachs snapchat story about this special moment he had at playlist in DC. About how a fan and her mom thanked him and colby for saving this girls life. I love that. I love when creators and celebrities really take that in and appreciate their fans and trust and believe that they can do something like making someone change their mind about doing something to themselves. Now its 1:34 on september 8th and I’m sitting in my room crying. Im crying because I’ve had a moment like this with another creator. A musician who I couln’t even tell in person how much he saved me, so I wrote him a letter. In this letter I explained to him that I was prepared to end my own life and I was about to do something stupid while I was in the shower and one of his songs came on and I dropped the razor that was in my hand. This song has a very inspiring message, “Sing for the stars, one day they will be ours.” I hadn’t even listend to his music much before this but in that moment I was hit with a feeling of hope. I gave him the note before a concert at a garage setting in salt lake city. At the show he dedicated that song to me and sang it to me while I stood right next to the little stage. My mom hugged him after and thanked him for saving my life. This is so simiar to what happened with sam and this fan and hearing him talk about it made me start thinking. 

For the past few months I’ve been in a really weird transitional place. I just graduated high school. All of my closest friends have left town to go to college,  taking steps towards their dreams. When it was time to apply for schools I didn’t. I was anxious because I didn’t want to get rejected. I was sad that my friends were leaving. I was frustrated because I didn’t want to waste time and money on school when I wasn’t even sure what I wanted to do. My family has been struggling financially so I’ve been helping as much as I can, while still clinging on to that last feeling of being a kid. Now that I have ideas Its to late to apply for college and im afraid when the time comes around to apply for spring there will be something else getting in my way. But still I cant afford school and I didnt qualify for any scholarships. But I have a dream now of how I want my life to be. I want to have my own youtube chanel where I can be theatrical and talk about my very boring(for now) life. I want to get the hell out of Utah and live somewhere like cali or washington. I want to be making money being creative. I want to open my own thrift store online or in a shop. I want to inspre plus sized girls to not be afraid to have different styles. I want to inspire people to be different and loud, like I am with my friends. 

Back to the story about sam and why this made me cry. I cried because I rememberd this moment I had with a musician and I’ve realized; I have all these dreams and no longing to work for them. I can have these dreams where Im a vlogger wearing all 1960s clothes and when I wake up I can barely see myself living through the day. Dreams are just fantasy for people like me. For that fan sam and colby have given her hope, their videos are something to look forward to. The chance to meet them was probably something that seemed mostly unlikely but now she has and thats incredible. That moment with that singer was somehting I had looked forward to. I didn’t even think he would read the letter but he did. His music gave me hope. I wish I could tell Sam and Colby, or Dan and Phil, Shane Dawson, Elton Castee, ect “You saved my life” But right now its not true. Yes, I highly enjoy all of their content and for 3-20 minutes I can escape and I can smile but after I feel nothing. I long to sleep so i can dream and I dont want to wake up. Thats what i’ve been doing for the past few months. sleeping until I have to get up to go to work. If someone wants to make plans with me I wake up to see them and then I’m right back to bed. 

I’ve tried taking steps to start a chanel on youtube but I keep discouraging myself because my camera isnt the best camera, I dont have a good setup, and I don’t know how to edit. Even as I’m typing this theres a voice telling me that no one starts off as the best and that If I keep working towards a goal I can reach it. but then theres that other voice, the devil on my shoulder telling me that i’m always too late to enter. Im always going to be one step behind. Im loosing all that hope I used to have. And it scares me a little; but mostly I want to fight back. Im so hungry to prove myself wrong that Im going to start filming. One day Im going to be on the other end of that powerful statement, “You saved my life.”

[thelifeofmisschessiedene-blog]

[thelifeofmisschessiedene-blog]

Lost

I am lost. I keep finding myslef in a spiral of anxiety and depression and I cant seem to be alble to find a way out. There are so many different things that I want to do in life and I just dont now how to get myself to a point where I can do them. I need help.