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[theoldst4rv1ng]

So this week I have lost a measly 2.5kg. I know I can do better than that!! Have to go for a meal out with my in-laws tomorrow, they won’t tell me me where and that’s really put me on edge, even my boyfriend is being secretive and I don’t know why

[theoldst4rv1ng]

guys, what if i slit my throat, but in a cute way :3

[theoldst4rv1ng]

BF IS WORKING FROM HOME AGAIN he’s already offered to make me hot crossed buns, cereal and toast and I’ve refused them all so he’s making the hot crossed buns and will likely sit there to make me eat. WHAT DO I DO?

Also, my dad wants to take me for out for dinner tonight because mum is away on a work trip. He’s chosen an Indian restaurant so I’ve been planning my meal to stick under 1000 calories. I’m meant to be doing OMAD so I planned all my calorie allowance around that meal because I love Indian and also I don’t want to make my dad worry that anything is wrong. I don’t know what to do. HELP

[theoldst4rv1ng]

Boyfriend is back in the office so I’m alone for the majority of the day. I’m relieved in a way because the fasting is a lot easier when he’s not working from home. However, I’m also strangely scared. Am I going to completely lose control? OMAD is going to be the way forward for a while, and with Him working I will be the one cooking and controlling my portion so that feels safe

[theoldst4rv1ng]

saw someone saying how relapsing felt like going home and I couldn’t agree more.

It feels so comforting

[theoldst4rv1ng]

I’ve finally been told who it was who gr00med and abused me when I was 13. I don’t know how to process this information. I always assumed I’d been a victim of something bigger, more sinister, like some b@stard who would sell the pictures on the dark web or some dirty c*nt who doesn’t wash and lives in his mum’s spare bedroom. I never thought it would be someone who appears on the outside as being a respectable member of the community, a teacher, a kids football coach.

159. That’s how many named victims there were. ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY NINE. Children aged 9-16 who this man targeted, manipulated and then blackmailed into sending to most disgusting images and videos. I was probably by comparison one of his tamer targets, got off lightly. And I was one of the first in his campaign to destroy the lives of innocent little girls. I was gr0omed in October 2013. This man wasn’t caught, charged and sentenced until 2022. Nearly a decade after he took my life.

I’ll never forget the threats, the way he was able to gain information about me- where I lived, the school I went to, people in my classes. Turns out it was because he would coach kids in my year football and found me through them. Posing as a teenage boy, he infiltrated my home and destroyed my life in less than a day. I’ll never forget the panic I felt as the lies and the blackmail starting pinging into my phone “I know where you live” “everyone in your school will see this” “I will hurt your little brother … unless you send me that next photo in 10 seconds”. Now being an adult I want to go back and shake myself and shout that he’s lying that he’s trying to trick me. But I can also see how a girl only a teenager by 2weeks would be wracked with fear and guilt because of the messages he sent. The threats were relentless.

I will also always remember the police, and how they treated me when I finally broke down to my parents and they called them. I am disgusted at how I was treated by those pigs who were meant to be helping me. The policeMAN who came barely knew what he was doing and was more concerned with making me feel like a naughty little girl than finding the person who had assaulted me. Quick reminder that I WAS A CHILD AND A VICTIM yet the policeMAN felt that reminding me sending pictures of someone under 16 is illegal and I shouldn’t be doing that is more important.

They took me into an interrogation room. To do a statement as a child victim of online grooming they took me into an interrogation room. I was a vulnerable and abused child and they were treating me like a criminal. The rest is just a blur, a horrific nightmare of a blur. Then

Silence

Completely nothing for 10 fucking years. In that time I have attempted 3 times to end it, developed eating d!s0rders, self/h4rm3d for years. I’m manically depressed and I have an anxiety disorder. He ruined my childhood, he ruined my life.

My dad works in the prison service with s3x offenders and heard whispers about this man who was coming in to the prison, how horrific and strangely localised his targets were. Daddy did some digging, and found the interrogation transcripts and the files on the case and read every single page. The language he used, the way he would target the girls, the way he would blackmail them into sending more and more and more. The names he was using as aliases matched the person who targeted me. It was him. Dad watched JONATHAN CLARKE in court as he plead guilty to 181 offences against an identified 159 victims (estimates of more victims go over 200) and sentenced to 19years in prison. Unfortunately I didn’t find any of this out until a year after sentencing (yesterday to be exact) because my parents were waiting for me to be more mentally stable before telling me. Yesterday I brought the subject up with my mum and she cracked and told me he’d been caught but my case was, as far as we know, not used.

One of my parent’s friends has a little girl who went to court and testified against him. She’s 13 now, NINE when she was targeted. There a going to be countless friends, family members, acquaintances, colleagues of mine who know people, children, who were his victims. Daddy got him moved from the prison here to the Isle of White because there would likely be prison staff and other inmates who have children/family members/friends who were his victims.

I can’t explain the level of rage I feel. The level of disgust and hatred. But also relief. Being made to feel like I was to blame for so long, being forced into a mindset of self ridicule and blame by the police meant that when I found out it wasn’t just me, I grossly felt relief. Relief that I wasn’t the one to blame, that it was a dirty sick p3v3rt who was the bad guy. Relief that it wasn’t just me. But now I can’t get his mugshot out of my mind, I can’t stop thinking that those foul eyes saw all of me, took away my innocence, my dignity, my self worth. EVERYTHING. He took everything from me.

Now what do I do?

I want to hurt him. I want him to go through the pain I went through. Slice away at his skin, starve him for days then when he does eat force him to throw it all up. Take him to inches away from death then pump his stomach and force him to face the world or torture again. I have never felt this level of seething rage before, at least not to another person. It’s quite scary. But what am I doing in reality? Sitting in the bath with my cat sat on the edge writing a blogpost to nobody. Signed off sick from work with anxiety. Dosed up to the eyeballs on sedatives and mood stabilisers. I am so close to fading away it’s comical. So what do I do?

[theoldst4rv1ng]

Omg guess who had a menty b and had to go for a controlled visit to psycho town? Me xoxo

Also binge prrrge cycle is looking very prominent rn, don’t know how I feel about that but ✌🏻 I just completely lose control of what I’m doing and next minute I’m in a pile of wrappers stinking of vom. Not a vibe.

[theoldst4rv1ng]

Happy New Year- new year new me and all that crap. Back to work today means being able to hide my eating for everyone. However, I did tell the bf I was going to finally quit vaping (smoked since I was 15 and took to vaping instead this year but now I’m hooked to that like crazy). Just spent 30mins meticulously planning every morsel of food today to make it so I don’t want to top myself by 3pm (3 strawberries, 10 grapes, 1 tangerine and an alpen bar). Doing protein pad Thai for dinner so that shouldn’t make me want to cry (who am I trying to kid of course I’ll cry)

[theoldst4rv1ng]

I’m back home, boyfriend currently snoring next to me. Missed being in our own house, with my own bed, my own kitties. Omg I’ve missed my cats so much (Its only been 3 days don’t judge me, I just love my cats).

We’re having our own mini Christmas today, pj day with Champagne, presents and movies. While I was away he bought all my favourite snacks, and 3 bottles of champers!! I like rolling strawberries in edible glitter and then putting them in my glass, makes the bubbles really sparkle. Cheese. He’s bought basically a whole deli counter of cheese. Some of my favourites as well- truffle cheddar, bishop blue, Gouda, Gruyère, Red Leicester, Brie, Wensleydale, and probably more. The truffle cheddar and the bishop blue are my favourite, strong and rich and silky. He also got a whole side of smoked salmon!! Do you know how big salmon are? Huge!! And he bought basically half a fish!! There’s only 2 of us!! Fuck off am I going to eat it though. Or am I? I know I can’t and I have to be disciplined, I also need to not let him persuade me. How weak am I to be worried about a little bit of cheese!! He’s also bought a huge box of my favourite dark chocolates from Hotel Chocolat. Maybe if I just have little nibbles here and there? I don’t want to end up on the slippery slope of p**ging again!! (Dark times).

[theoldst4rv1ng]

Okay so I may have let go a little bit yesterday. Christmas dinner for me consisted of turkey and a whole lot of veg and like 1 roast potato so I think I got off lightly. Especially as I took the dog for a marathon walk after. Today is the real test though as Boxing Day means buffet and board games with all the family. Nothing vaguely healthy or safe in sight, everything is beige, battered or breaded. Followed by an array of chocolate cakes, cheese cake, meringues, double cream and fat. All of my favourite binge foods. Just kill me already!!

[theoldst4rv1ng]

How do I survive Christmas without ruining the day for my family? Christmas is a major part of my family’s year, especially as we all live in different parts of the country it’s the one time a year that we’re all together. Plus, my grandma has recently been diagnosed with terminal c which has really hit us all (especially my mum and aunt) really hard. I see all of this happening around me and I feel so selfish because my biggest concern is “what do I eat”. It one of those days where I can’t hide or make excuses because there are people literally everywhere, and I don’t want to make it even more stressful for people with what’s going on at the moment. And, Christmas foods are my absolute favourite!! I don’t know what to do. Help!!! Do I say fuck it for Christmas and try and fix it afterwards or try and stay good? If I stay good, how do I hide it? And what would I do to punish myself if I say fuck it and eat what I want?

[theoldst4rv1ng]

Oop thought I was doomed there. Well in a little update I got my degree (woooo) and moved in with the boyfriend (wooo) and we have 2 kitties (woo) and I have a big girl job (). AND IVE GOTTEN REALLY FAT. completely let myself go. Quite disgusting really. However, we’re going to sort it out (I know I’ve said that before) but I really mean it. Is it bad I use own my old th1n$p0 from when I was about 15/16 and at my lowest weight?

[theoldst4rv1ng]

Why is it every other thought is about food, or calories, or fasting, or something Ed based. Like there must be more to me than that. All my brain can think about is my ed, my dissertation or how much of a failure I am.

Going to go shopping tomorrow though and buy a reward for 5kg lost. Something to live for

[theoldst4rv1ng]

Night out with the girls tonight. Dinner+ theatre (my friend is playing the lead!!). Best believe I’ve been going over the menu for the restraint again and again all week. Still terrified of what to have though. I’m fasting all day until tonight to make it worth it. The grilled chicken burger is the lowest cal at 437 and I’ll get a side of tenderstem broccoli at 31cal so that feels safe. Hopefully they won’t insist on me drinking!! Last time that happened I was a complete wreck and ended up face first in cheesy chips. I’ll stick to Diet Coke, they won’t get suspicious of that will they?

Hoping they’re all too drunk to notice!!

[theoldst4rv1ng]

Why do feel guilty for eating a baked potato?

I made salmon and veggies and my housemates were looking at me weird so I made a baked potato. 187cal. Makes my total 544cal today. I want to crawl into a hole and just stop existing. I want to rip a potato sized lump of fat off of myself and throw it in the bin. I can’t do this anymore. But I can’t stop doing this. How can a potato make me feel this many emotions?

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I fucking hate green tea. Why does everyone always say to drink green tea? It’s disgusting! If I’m going to do this I’m not going to subject myself to that. No idea how people can like it. Don’t get me wrong, I love other teas; peppermint, berry, lemon and ginger, chamomile, jasmine, good ol’ Yorkshire. But fuck me, that green stuff is like ass juice. I get that it’s good for weight loss or metabolism or whatever but I’d much prefer an hour extra of exercise than a cup of that stuff. Nasty.

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The boyf is going home!! I ate enough the last couple days for him to feel okay to leave me. I feel awful for wanting him to go and I love him so much. Thank god he has to go to work!! Quite scared for him to go actually, I’m not sure how badly I’m going to spiral, and he’s 4hrs away in London so I can’t just pop down and see him if I need help.

But it does mean I can get my control back. Best believe I’m fasting for a while!! At least 24hrs to start with, see what I think from there.