thepitifulstoryofateenagegirl - Tumblr blog

[thepitifulstoryofateenagegirl]

The front door slams closed, and I know you’re home. It was nice, those few short hours without you. I almost felt free. Even lying here on the bathroom floor, I could close my eyes and pretend you were gone for good, but I know better than that now. You always come back.

Always, I think as the bottom stair creaks. Thirteen more to go, and then I’m yours again. 

A thud of your sneaker sounds as you reach the second step. I sit up. It hurts, but I sit up just enough to see my reflection in the mirror. Bruises and blood. You’ll get mad if you see I haven’t cleaned myself up yet. 

Clunk. Eleven left. I ask myself the same question that’s been haunting me every time your knuckles brush my ribs at night and your palm connects with my cheek in the day. Clunk.

Ten steps until you’re here, but I don’t want you to be. Clunk. Nine more. I crawl on cut up knees and scarred palms to the cabinet. Clunk. Eight. The second drawer opens so easily I think it’s meant to be. Clunk.

They’re sitting right on top. The metal shines so bright. Clunk. You aren’t giving me a choice. Clunk. Clunk. Clunk. 

Three steps. I have never been ready for you. You stepped into my life on a cold Tuesday morning, and I should’ve known. I should’ve taken one look at you and seen you for who you really are. You control, you ruin, you destroy. That’s what people like you do. 

Clunk. I think of you, and the way your AA meetings don’t help. You still come home and the walls shake with your drunken rage. Shoes get thrown, chairs are knocked over, and new holes appear in the bathroom, right next to the mirror that I have to look in every day so I can never forget your anger. The smell of beer is coated into the carpets, and do I want to live like this? 

Clunk. Now I think of me. It’s time I put myself first. The only thing that separates us is a door, but I want six feet of cold, hard dirt between us. I grip the scissors so tightly my palm stings.  

Some people are scared of the dark, terrified of snakes and heights. Others can’t fly and tremble at the sight of a needle. I consider them lucky. If careful, one can avoid darkness and never look a snake in the face. Yes, lucky they are. Because you always come back. No matter where I hide, you find me. You are my monster. Lucky, I think as the doorknob slowly twists.

[thepitifulstoryofateenagegirl]

you hold your hand out for me to take. and i try. i try not to take it. but i’m a fool for you. i want the feel of your skin. i want your skin on my skin and your mouth everywhere. it isn’t a conscious decision to take your outstretched hand, but something more natural. you reach your hand out, and i take it. that’s it. that’s how it was meant to be. always.

[thepitifulstoryofateenagegirl]

it’s a monday night in the dead of january, and it’s still you. the snow falls and covers my fading red boots as i stand outside your house and wait, and it’s still you. i’ve already been waiting for fifteen minutes, and I’m starting to think you won’t show, but i’d wait an eternity for you. even if you never came. because it’s you. when the sky falls and the sun doesn’t rise anymore. when there are no more tomorrows and no more yesterdays. when we’re nothing more than two souls traveling the galaxy. it’s still you.

[thepitifulstoryofateenagegirl]

she walked into the room like fury and vengeance. he knew she was capable of both.

[thepitifulstoryofateenagegirl]

i hate you for not wanting me

[thepitifulstoryofateenagegirl]

and it’s your name that falls from my lips. in my darkest hours, in my longest periods of solitude. the feeling of missing you burns my skin and lights my insides on fire. i want you to come home. be with me, lay with me, fight with me. just come home.

[thepitifulstoryofateenagegirl]

Cardan’s nicknames for Jude make me want to PUNCH SOMETHING. My darling GOD???? My SWEET VILLAIN??? MY SWEET NEMESIS??? ARÉ YOU KIDDINGGGJDKKDKD IM GONNA PUNCH A HOLE IN MY WALL

[thepitifulstoryofateenagegirl]

i look to the heavens and beg. i fall to my knees and pray. i hope, wish, yearn for anything to save me.

[thepitifulstoryofateenagegirl]

i often find myself looking for someone who will care about me. i can’t seem to find one.

[thepitifulstoryofateenagegirl]

i dream of you. of the way you laugh, the way you sing off key to all of my favorite songs, the way you bite your bottom lip when you’re angry and trying not to explode. i dream of your hands as they wonder my body and bring me a high. i dream of you. i dream of us. of our future and our beginning and our end and our forever and always.

[thepitifulstoryofateenagegirl]

i’m often guilty of breaking my own heart.

[thepitifulstoryofateenagegirl]

i wish i were someone you wanted to love.

[thepitifulstoryofateenagegirl]

the people we love the most never really feel the same way about us.

[thepitifulstoryofateenagegirl]

i’ll never forgive you for the way my hands shook.

[thepitifulstoryofateenagegirl]

i’m scared of the night. of the way the floor creaks on its own and the walls whisper my name as i pass. you say nothing will hurt me, not when you’re around. but you’re always gone. and all i have are the monsters under my bed and the ghosts guarding my door. 

[thepitifulstoryofateenagegirl]

i’ll always be that stupid little girl who followed you around the playground. you were two years older and wanted nothing to do with me. not that i ever noticed. mom always told me to chase after my dreams, so i chased after you. and chased and chased and chased. playgrounds grew into chaotic lunchrooms and crowded hallways. i always stuck by your side, but you’d hardly ever spare me a glance. we’d stand in front of your locker, and i’d tell you about my day. but you never really listened, right? your eyes would search the crowd for your football friends and the pretty cheerleaders who’d do anything for you. well, i would too. but you never noticed me like that. i was just the girl who dreamed too big and chased you around the swings.

[thepitifulstoryofateenagegirl]

i think i’ve been looking for you all my life. i’ve always felt like i was stumbling around, like i was blindly gripping the walls in a dark room, just trying to find my way out. then i met you, and the lights turned on. there were no more unsure movements or stumbles over phantom winds. i met you and my world fell into place. i think i needed you all along.