tommihanley

[tommihanley]

It took me a long time to recognize that I tried to control circumstances and even more time to understand why. Eventually I realized it all boils down to fear. Fear, that if I let things go, some sort of disaster would strike that I could have prevented.

Issues with control stem from living in an unstable environment, especially in childhood. As a kid, things in my world seemed out of control and I felt helpless in terms of changing the situation. HOWEVER....I tried. I tried being funny; achieving at school and in sports; cleaning the house from top to bottom; helping others; and so on. But it didn't change the dynamics of my family. Eventually I turned to drugs and alcohol. They didn't fix anything, but I found a way to "control" my feelings by avoiding them altogether.

As an adult, the deep trauma of family dysfunction shows up when we start trying to fix potentially dangerous, harmful or painful experiences that would cause us to feel those old feelings of chaos and helplessness. We want to avoid those painful scenarios at all costs.

Learning to let go and let the universe work things out has been a long and bumpy road. Without some faith, I would not have been able to accept that it's the best path for everyone involved. Issues of co-dependency also creep in – I don't feel good if you don't feel good. Today I realize I'm in control of just one thing – how I decide to react and respond to the world around me, knowing that I can't fix anyone or anything outside of myself. I lead the best life I can and set the best example I can. I love others without judgement (as best I can!) and most of all, I love me enough to know that getting involved in other people's business is not helpful to anyone. Live and let live friends. This is the path to freedom.

[tommihanley]

[tommihanley]

[tommihanley]

[tommihanley]

This is something I have spent a good portion of my adult life trying to achieve. It sounds easy - at least logical - but when you come from dysfunction, you need a whole lot more than good intentions to change family dynamics. Over the years I did not always make healthy choices, because I was not healthy.

If our family of origin did not demonstrate healthy behaviours, what basis do we have to build something better in the future? We're not given instruction manuals and there's a whole truck load of subconscious beliefs, fears and personality traits that develop in kids who grow up in chaos, addiction and dysfunction. Who teaches us how to identify and unlearn these behaviours?

For me, it took a whole lot of trial and error. I had to commit to myself and my own transformation, which took years - not days or weeks. I don't think I created a fully healthy family, but I do know it's a whole lot better than the one I came from. Sometimes it takes more than a generation to tidy up the mess. Still, I am grateful for how far we have come as a family. I am proud of my kids. They are self-aware and know they have choices. They understand things like boundaries, addiction recovery, speaking their truth, and how to empower themselves.

I have learned how to: own my part in a conflict; recognize the triggers that cause turmoil as a result of my childhood trauma; say I'm sorry; and make an ongoing commitment to healing emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

We do our best and ask God to do the rest.

[tommihanley]

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