unlirise - Tumblr blog

[unlirise]

🖋️ 240701 • mon

as an academic, and as someone who claims to be responsible and organised, i have started to accept that there are limits to how much more I can push myself through this journey. I can see when my adrenaline depleted, and when my mind and soul just yearns for rest. i've pondered on it a lot, i've been studying nonstop for 16 years (starting from 1st grade to now). with only summer breaks in between each for rest, but the latter years especially starting with A-Levels has become heavier. i can see now why some people take months off after studying. or why others take a year gap before going to college.

i crave for that extended break. i feel like i'm reaching my end. this thesis is very well nearing its end too, but i fear that i might reach a conclusion before it does.

it's 1am and right now i aim to finish up the rest of this transcript, which i should have accomplished last week. but because of the burnout, i ended up taking more time to rest and be idle than to actually work on it. it's starting to overwhelm me, even though i cannot be overwhelmed by it. i'm transcribing nearly 3 and a half hours worth of interviews. while the findings are truly eye-opening (and i can't wait to share this with all of you once it's done), and inspiring to write about, i also fear that my own creative juices for research writing is dwindling... while i wait for the facility's approval of my transcripts, i'll write some mini research papers just to get the hang of it again. i'll even read some research papers and theses so that i'll get in the groove of writing some. maybe if you guys have any research articles to suggest, you can send it in the comments below 🤍

[unlirise]

🖋️ 240628 • fri

it definitely has been a hot minute, hasn't it? literally went off the grid for two weeks. i couldn't help it, though. my boyfriend came to my city and stayed over for a whole week. i dedicated a lot of this time to spending time with him and enjoying a staycation at my dorm. it was also the week leading up to his birthday, so the entire thing was a stretched out celebration involving drinking, youtube karaoke, card games, video games, cuddling, and cooking for him.

we basically did all the things we normally couldn't do as a long distance couple, which we know we both needed a lot. although most days we are able to handle the distance, there are a lot of moments wherein i crack. anyway, being able to physically be with each other is an entirely and wholly healing experience.

though, it's unfair that it had to end so soon. i broke down the night before he was going to leave, despairing over the fact that our time is always limited. that for the past 6 years we've been running on futures and soons that are long overdue. that he comes only for a bus to take him away from me for god knows how long. that we're never sure when is the next time we'll be able to spend time together like this. that even after a week of basking in each other's presence, we'll inevitably be back to pixels and blue screens. it sucks, but that's what a long distance relationship is. all we can do is wait and keep working towards finally being able to be with each other.

[unlirise]

🖋️ 240612 • wed

today, i had a good mix of productivity and leisurely activities ! i was able to finish off some of my work from my part-time job and i made some notes for my thesis.

at the same time, i enjoyed some leisurely reading, played some genshin and pokemon black, watched a lot of drive to survive, and had iced coffee.

i've been slowing down the past few days and when i think back on it, i think it was necessary for me to do that even though i didn't realise why i should. i've been stressing about the quality of my data analysis and interpretation once my data gathering is done. when i was working on my RRLs, i overlooked a crucial source of information which was vital in crafting my research instrument – or even my methodology and approach as a whole. it's only after my proposal has been approved that i started dissecting this document and relating it to my research. this made me worry a lot about the quality of my work because putting these new findings into consideration would have made my research more in-depth.

at the same time, stepping away from my own criticisms has made me that this is just an undergrad research. my boyfriend shared with me a piece of advice that i wish i heard when i started out my thesis, but has been helpful in every step of my progress so far. and that is, it's only an undergrad research. it doesn't have to be overly spectacular, it does not have to be phenomenal. i'm way too limited by time and manpower to try and commit myself to something extravagant. it's ok to keep my research simple, i can save the energy and effort for my master's degree.

so, while it is valid for me to be concerned about the quality of my research, it is also ok for me to keep it simple and straightforward. what i have has been reviewed and approved by experts from my university anyway. my research will be fine. i will be fine.

[unlirise]

🖋️ 240611 • tue

not much to share today save for the fact that my interviews have been psotponed to friday because its a holiday and i didnt even realise. so... that really pushes me back by a lot. i shouldve finished my data gathering last week but because of delays on my end, i had to push them back to this week and... because of me getting sidetracked yesterday im now in this position. im going to punish myself for this, definitely, but on the plus side at least i have more time to prepare for my presentation.

yesterday, i bought a copy of donna tartt's the secret history which is making me groan at myself because prior to that, i bought myself a copy of the master and margarita. and im not even halfway through finishing this mammoth of a book called wideacre. perhaps tonight and tomorrow i'll dedicate myself to finishing much of the book. hopefully i'll get through the halfway point. in fact, i'll start after i finish up this blog post.

[unlirise]

🖋️ 240610 • mon

Is this the week when things finally happen? It better be.

that was what i wrote on my journal today, a way for me to will myself into bringing myself closer to my thesis' end. but a sponty trip initiated by my friends as well as my very willing ass may have thrown me off that track. which i dont mind. how often will i get to enjoy spontaneous trips and plans as a college student? not for long, thats for sure. part of the spontaneous trip included buying a new book (one of my friends' favourites) as well as buying overpriced pasta (!!!!!!!)

on a completely different note, im learning how to let go of academic validation by deglorifying the awards and titles one cat get in university. dont get me wrong, we bust our asses trying to get one and receiving it feels great because its crystal-clear proof of our hard work and efforts. the problem is that, especially growing up in an asian household, our efforts tend to be defined by the presence of an award. idk, do some of your parents ever just make the award seem like it matters so much more than the efforts you put into earning them? it seems like that for me sometimes, and im trying to unlearn that and im going a long way.

the moment i hit my 4th year of college i started questioning the value that latin honours has. at that point, i was still qualified to get it. but then i started asking how helpful would it be? would it make it easier for me to get a job? would i be more likely to get accepted into grad school? if i don't get latin honours, does that mean i haven't worked hard enough? does the absence of it mean that i didn't do enough? and the answer i arrived at is... no. i've been working hard, and i am a hard worker, and my output is proof of that. not some title that my university is going to give me.

it felt nice being able to accept that cum laude or not, i feel secure enough about my abilities and skills that i don't need it to define me. ik this isnt' the same experience for everyone. people perceive it in different ways from me; this is mine.

[unlirise]

hi! is that little bed desk any good? i’ve been thinking of getting one for a while now

heyy and yes !! its really good bc of how multifunctional it can be. the one i got is quite small and its just enough for my laptop and my mouse but i use it for eating, too. id also write on it.

i sleep on a bunk and honestly it almost functions like a bedside table for me and i can place a bunch of stuff on it.

id call it a college essential and recommend you get it !!

[unlirise]

🖋️ 240607 • fri

i'm trying to teach myself that there are things i can be inconsistent with - things that are not all too important right now and as long as these are being put aside for more important things.

i wanted to have a regular posting schedule for my blogs but sometimes there's not much for me to share. and that's alright. there's always dull moments in life, and i'm learning that sometimes these dull moments don't need to be shared. i can just relish in its nothingness and soak it in.

onto other topics of discussion, wideacre is starting to pick up speed for me. i've only read one book of hers but the constant princess was such a masterpiece that i'd trust philippa gregory to write any female character bc ik i'd absolutely devour them. similar to what i'm doing now with this book. the character, beatrice, is quite straightforward yet complex at the same time. as she grows, the layers surrounding her grow. i'm only halfway through chapter 4 so there isn't much for me to say but i can't wait to share my thoughts about this book when i finish it.

i've also been enjoying this new plate i bought from a japanese dollar store. a lot of the time, i'm too lazy to cook myself a meal and end up ordering takeout. but this plate has been motivating me to whip up more recipes. it makes sense. some of us enjoy buying stationery because it encourages us to write, to take notes, to journal, or to do whatever on it. same thing with this plate – it's encouraging me to put things on it and take cute pictures and enjoy it. maybe there is a point to consumerism.

[unlirise]

another midnight study session, anyone?

maybe focus is not always on a desk.

sometimes, focus is when you're hunched like a goblin on your bed as you're cramming the work you procrastinated when the sun was still up. with nothing but 600ml of iced tea and your partner's hoodie to give you solace.

[unlirise]

🖋️ 240605 • wed

oh my gosh...

do you ever just get so knackered from a day out that when you get back to your place you're flat-out dead? that's what happened to me yesterday. it was admittedly a very exhausting commute back. lots of walking was involved and not to mention the heat. as soon as i got back to my dorm i wanted to do nothing else but just do my own thing.

that was wholly irresponsible of me, though. yes, i managed to finish up most of my work from my part time job but the things i meant to do for my thesis !!! what progress !!!! where !!!!!! zilch !!!!!!!!

so today i'm going back to the facility and i should expect that i'll be dying halfway through the commute back. hopefully i manage to make at least 50% progress on my work so that i wouldn't be behind on my progress. i'm already almost there! i should not be the reason why i'm not advancing through this research process.

[unlirise]

late night cramming

ended up cramming the orientation slideshow i was going to present to my research participants tonight. change of plan, i'm going to the facility tomorrow to properly schedule when i'll be briefing them and when i'll conduct my interviews so that i can also give myself enough time to prepare for it.

with how much i got going on it's hard to believe it's only the first day of the week.

i seriously hope that after the data gathering, i'll be able to sleep some more. i know a lot of people don't sleep while writing their thesis but i want to be kind to myself during that process. since my graduation is delayed to next year, i get the privilege of time. i'll use this to my advantage and maximise my workflow. i have until august to defend my thesis, so that leaves next week to the third week of july for data analysis and interpretation. the last 2 weeks of july shall be for defense prep. then on the first week of august, i should have defended my thesis already. that way, my life as a university student ends when the academic year is bound to start.

[unlirise]

Reblog if

It’s 104% okay to come to your DM and just say, “Hi, can we be friends?” And then start asking you random questions.

[unlirise]

🖋️ 240603 • mon

in the absence of any sort of preparation or intent, i took the TOEIC today. just to get it over with even though im not graduating this year. i could have taken it next year instead, which would have made sense because the certifications for these exams have a validity period but it's fine. i can always retake it. otherwise, i can just go for IELTS or TOEFL. if not, well... i've been speaking english way more than i speak my native language. i'm more articulate in english, in fact.

apart from that, i got to spend time with my college friends in what could be the last few times i ever hang out with them as they head out on their own adventures as adults.

it's a shame i wouldn't be able to join them because i didn't finish my thesis on time. yet, it's not a huge loss on my part. my thesis is a passion project for me and i've expressed to my friends, my thesis adviser, my research professor, and my family that i want to give my thesis the time, care, and attention it deserves. it's not just a stepping stone to a diploma for me to hop over. it's a life lesson; an important one about how the world works and how i, as an international development student, can see where i fit in this puzzle.

that being said, i'll be cramming my presentation for my orientation tomorrow. hopefully it'll go well. i'll be orienting my research participants on what my thesis is about and how they can help to contribute and what not. hopefully i make a lot of progress and even manage to interview a few of them so that i can begin the data analysis part. in that case, i'd be ready to finish everything off by july and defend by august! it's not getting to me yet but i am excited to see all this slowly coming to a close. i can only hope for things to proceed smoothly and without trouble.

[unlirise]

🖋️ 240602 • sun

we're halfway through the year already? bullshit.

the past month(s), i noticed how i lacked discipline to do things consistently. i do have the energy to do things, but i do it sporadically. only when i feel like it. sometimes i start a task and stop midway to start another. it's multitasking, but it's not working for me.

this month i'm going to work on my discipline and consistency, make a habit out of things i want in my life and stick to it.

on another note, i put a pause on reading a little life so i can read wideacre by philippa gregory. i loved the constant princess and the way she writes strong-willed, determined, and unstoppable women within a patriarchal society. i've already made so many annotations in just the first two chapters.

im also enjoying annotating books more and reading them based on their more prominent themes. i keep seeing how other readers annotate this way and i wanted to join in. having taken english literature for 4 years (IGCSE and a-levels), i have so much to say about a book i read.

admittedly, i feel like english lit has ruined the way i read for a long time. especially english lit for a-levels. for 2 years, we've been reading poems and fiction by assessing its themes, analysing the pieces according to the context it was written, and evaluating the author's intention. we dissected literature to the point that whenever i pick up a book and read it, i'm dissecting it rather than just enjoying it. i'm trying to undo that with the books i'm reading.

although the lessons i learned from there are important in real life because it has helped me to become more critical and to see how the things authors write about are a reflection of real life (because they are). a lot of books are about people and life is about dealing with people.

but whenever i pick up a book i dont want to read it for the sake of dissecting human behaviour, the choices they make, and the broader implications of its consequences upon society. . i want to see life, beauty, and romance alongside those things.

[unlirise]

🖋️ 240531 • fri

i have some mixed feelings about today.

it was productive yet it felt unproductive. it was exhausting but i also spent a lot of the day resting.

how exactly does one kinda just fight through these feelings and get themselves to move forward? im seeing a lot of study inspiration accounts here on tumblr talk a lot about how we need to keep pushing, keep grinding, keep going and that we just need discipline. maybe thats what im lacking? but then, how do i know where burn out ends and where laziness begins, or vice versa? how do i know if it's one or the other?

[unlirise]

🖋️ 240530 • thu

it really has been a while hasn't it? yesterday was a really exhausting day for me since i travelled almost 4 hours just to go back to the dorm, and it was raining! anyway.

i was close to another existential crisis because of my thesis when a miracle happened; my research request was approved in another facility i applied for!! i genuinely gave up on receiving notice from them – next time i shouldn't be so quick to close myself off from opportunities! admittedly, i've been grinding nonstop to revise my manuscript for this one facility but at least now i can keep some of the revisions i've made and just adjust it minimally since this other place approved of my research as it is! i'm so glad that i can finally begin my data gathering. it still feels surreal to me, it's overwhelming actually.

this means i'll have to update my to-do list now.

rise's thursday tasks:

transfer questionnaire to gdocs

update questionnaire for other participant category

fix mechanical keyboard

organise wardrobe

ask management about receipts

apply changes to manuscript

set up june 2024 bujo spread

i'm going to get busier now but i'm all the happier for it because i can see myself getting closer to finishing this thesis and getting closer to graduation. if i'm lucky enough, maybe i can make it in time to be part of batch 2024? let's see.

[unlirise]

🖋️ 240527 • mon

i wanted to start off this week with something productive. ive already gotten into a rough start by waking up late. i should be stricter with myself so that i can get things done on time. a week of productivity should not be followed by a week of the opposite. especially when it's easy to get carried away by relaxation and other leisurely activities.

to start it off, i did some journaling and decided to put a bit more effort into its layout and composition. later when i get back from my haircut, i'm hoping to make even more progress on my thesis.

ik ive been saying this over and over, maybe i should have a visual tracker so that i can see how much it's moving as well as to actually motivate me to finish it off. the revisions are done but because of the changes in my methodology i might have to make changes to the instrument. these are taking quite some time... especially since i'm doing this thesis solo and research isn't exactly my strongest suit.

rant ahead if you want to keep reading

i'm kinda excited to get my haircut, though. i wish i could say i was very excited but i can't enjoy it because of how controlling my parents are abt it.

not to trauma dump on the internet but it's my blog so here goes. my parents are kinda being dumb about me wanting to cut my hair. i initially wanted a bixie cut that was similar to winona ryder's. when i asked my mom (yes, i have to ask permission to cut my hair bc i'm not paying for it and i'm using their money for it), she was quick to make it all about my sexuality (i'm pan). she even ranted to my grandma about it. so i'm getting a layered bob cut instead, but my parents are adamant that i go to this family friend hairdresser so that he can advise me (?) on how to cut and maintain it (??) so that it looks good on the graduation pictures (???????). that threw me off bc the reasons why i want to cut my hair are:

it's flipping hot, my guy, the humidity isn't giving my hair gets so brittle and dry. ik i can just tie my hair up but sometimes i don't want to bc i need it to breathe. but i don't want to have to feel my hair act as a towel, collecting my nape sweat.

i never liked having long hair. it's too much work for me. the constant hair brushing, the longer showers, the long hair drying, and the long strands getting everywhere? i've never been able to properly take care of long hair. i prefer shorter hair bc it's easier to maintain and easier to style. and personally, i think it suits me so much more.

but my parents want me to keep my hair long for a bunch of graduation pictures that i won't even be taking right now since i'm not graduating this year.

and my mom? i don't understand but ever since i came out as pan to her, she never truly made steps to understand what that means. ugh, idk. might make a long post abt this sometime in the future.

[unlirise]

was this written by gale nolan?

right wtf 🧍