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🖋️ 250422 • tue

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Koi and kitty theme for April

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🖋️ 250407 • mon

Being a working adult really shifts your perspective a lot. Going through the week as a uni student is so much breezier bc I actually enjoyed going to campus – but work? All I could ever wish for is the weekend.

Mondays are rough because the working week did just start. It feels slow, like I have to trudge through. Tuesday is when I start to get more upbeat because the next day would be Wednesday, which is the halfway point. Then when it's finally Wednesday, I get excited about Thursday because that means the day after is Friday. Then I start to liven it up more at Friday because the weekend is literally just right there. This made me realise that I love to look ahead so much.

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🖋️ 250321 • fri

it's finally the weekend! or rather... it's friday and the weekend is literally close by. and because my shift ends at 6PM today, not 11PM... i can actually really really enjoy myself.

my bujo spread theme for the past two days was a soft, pastel blue just because i wanted something a bit easy on the eyes. my last spread and this one is really easing me into the idea of using the sticker book i got more liberally. i grew up in a city where a lot of nice stationery were in low supply, and those really nice ones were often expensive so i mostly just kept it and hoarded. but now, i live somewhere where it's not just accessible but also really really cheap. still, i gotta break out of the hoarding habit and bullet journaling is the best remedy for me. seeing the way it makes my spreads look nicer absolutely helps.

also !! i've been practicing how to write in cursive with a new grip bc the way i would hold a pen looked practically like a death grip. i think i'm doing well !!

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🖋️ 250319 • wed

i never really got into skincare and makeup when i was a teenager. on one hand, it was because my dad kept telling me that if i use makeup or use anything else but water to wash my face then i'll fully break out and have terrible acne. on the other hand... it's overwhelming. there's just too many products to take note of, too many ingredients, etc etc.

however, i'm getting older and that means that my skin will need some more maintenance than it used to when i was younger. i've also started wearing makeup more recently, so i started to do a bit more research into skincare.

i think i have normal skin because it produces a fair amount of oil and it doesn't feel dry or flakey either. i'm seeing a lot of recommendations (but also criticisms) on cetaphil. i'm mostly interested in it because of how gentle its formula is. i absolutely do not want to overwhelm my skin, so hopefully when i've earned up enough i can buy a cleanser and moisturiser.

daily reminder and pic of flowers were taken from pinterest (´• ω •`)

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🖋️ 250317 • mon

i wish i started tracking my journey through adulthood better but i can't really go back, now can i? it's been 3 months and a week or two since i started working for the shady cryptobusiness which isn't so shady after all.

the juxtaposition of my two jobs has to be a sick reflection of what graduating with a degree in liberal arts is. on one hand, i'm working for a non-profit organisation that is focused on giving a platform to underrepresented artists and creatives so that they can thrive and reach a wider audience. on the other... i'm working for a company that is selling crypto leads.

in total, i'm working 80 hours in a week with no idea how i'm getting enough time for myself apart from the weekend. the sad sad reality of being a working adult in the 21st century is that this is the only way you can afford not just your daily necessities, but your future investments as well. i wish i knew how desaturated the job market was. i wish i took more seriously everyone's warnings about how a liberal arts degree won't really pay you well. my paycheck is the only thing that's keeping me from seeing my life as a dystopia at the moment.

now, i understand why a lot of adults are so desolate and morose whenever they talk about the innocence of youth... because we actually were. especially as someone who was in the social sciences field, we were all so starry-eyed about the world and our futures. we were practically surrounded by other likeminded academics who had greater plans for themselves and society. we were discussing and applying theories into global politics, economics, and world news while criticising adults and world leaders on how they can't solve the problems of today. we absolutely need more people who think critically and question the way things are being run. but that passion can very easily be squashed by the newfound needs of what the adult world is.

rent. bills. taxes. food. laundry. water. when you've got yourself to worry about, you really start to worry less about your community. it's when this reality hits that you realise... advocacy cannot pay the bills. it's definitely when i realised how financially stable you have to be able to spare a bit of time for it. it's something i want to work towards... until then, i've got myself to worry about. and i don't want to worry about myself for too long. i hope to escape this cycle.

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🖋️ 250106 • mon

there's a lot of things that happened in the time since i last posted. wanna hear about it?

i finally finished my thesis and defended it.

i won't have a graduation ceremony, i'm just collecting my diploma and transcript from uni.

i was forced to come out to my homophobic parents.

i ran away/was kicked out from the house and now freeloading at my cousin's place.

lots of fun stuff. this trajectory my life is going is kinda giving me a whiplash. i "moved" to my cousin's on december 28 and started applying for jobs on that day, too, because honestly i can't be staying here doing nothing the entire time.

thankfully, i got an offer but it's from a shady, cryptobusiness from 2021 that has no digital footprint?? the training starts today and i don't know !! let's see how it goes !!! i also got an initial interview scheduled on wednesday for a non-profit, hopefully that one succeeds. if anything, i'm kinda willing to be a sellout as long as i can afford to move out and sustain myself. ig that's just the way things go.

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🖋️ 240701 • mon

as an academic, and as someone who claims to be responsible and organised, i have started to accept that there are limits to how much more I can push myself through this journey. I can see when my adrenaline depleted, and when my mind and soul just yearns for rest. i've pondered on it a lot, i've been studying nonstop for 16 years (starting from 1st grade to now). with only summer breaks in between each for rest, but the latter years especially starting with A-Levels has become heavier. i can see now why some people take months off after studying. or why others take a year gap before going to college.

i crave for that extended break. i feel like i'm reaching my end. this thesis is very well nearing its end too, but i fear that i might reach a conclusion before it does.

it's 1am and right now i aim to finish up the rest of this transcript, which i should have accomplished last week. but because of the burnout, i ended up taking more time to rest and be idle than to actually work on it. it's starting to overwhelm me, even though i cannot be overwhelmed by it. i'm transcribing nearly 3 and a half hours worth of interviews. while the findings are truly eye-opening (and i can't wait to share this with all of you once it's done), and inspiring to write about, i also fear that my own creative juices for research writing is dwindling... while i wait for the facility's approval of my transcripts, i'll write some mini research papers just to get the hang of it again. i'll even read some research papers and theses so that i'll get in the groove of writing some. maybe if you guys have any research articles to suggest, you can send it in the comments below 🤍

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🖋️ 240628 • fri

it definitely has been a hot minute, hasn't it? literally went off the grid for two weeks. i couldn't help it, though. my boyfriend came to my city and stayed over for a whole week. i dedicated a lot of this time to spending time with him and enjoying a staycation at my dorm. it was also the week leading up to his birthday, so the entire thing was a stretched out celebration involving drinking, youtube karaoke, card games, video games, cuddling, and cooking for him.

we basically did all the things we normally couldn't do as a long distance couple, which we know we both needed a lot. although most days we are able to handle the distance, there are a lot of moments wherein i crack. anyway, being able to physically be with each other is an entirely and wholly healing experience.

though, it's unfair that it had to end so soon. i broke down the night before he was going to leave, despairing over the fact that our time is always limited. that for the past 6 years we've been running on futures and soons that are long overdue. that he comes only for a bus to take him away from me for god knows how long. that we're never sure when is the next time we'll be able to spend time together like this. that even after a week of basking in each other's presence, we'll inevitably be back to pixels and blue screens. it sucks, but that's what a long distance relationship is. all we can do is wait and keep working towards finally being able to be with each other.

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🖋️ 240612 • wed

today, i had a good mix of productivity and leisurely activities ! i was able to finish off some of my work from my part-time job and i made some notes for my thesis.

at the same time, i enjoyed some leisurely reading, played some genshin and pokemon black, watched a lot of drive to survive, and had iced coffee.

i've been slowing down the past few days and when i think back on it, i think it was necessary for me to do that even though i didn't realise why i should. i've been stressing about the quality of my data analysis and interpretation once my data gathering is done. when i was working on my RRLs, i overlooked a crucial source of information which was vital in crafting my research instrument – or even my methodology and approach as a whole. it's only after my proposal has been approved that i started dissecting this document and relating it to my research. this made me worry a lot about the quality of my work because putting these new findings into consideration would have made my research more in-depth.

at the same time, stepping away from my own criticisms has made me that this is just an undergrad research. my boyfriend shared with me a piece of advice that i wish i heard when i started out my thesis, but has been helpful in every step of my progress so far. and that is, it's only an undergrad research. it doesn't have to be overly spectacular, it does not have to be phenomenal. i'm way too limited by time and manpower to try and commit myself to something extravagant. it's ok to keep my research simple, i can save the energy and effort for my master's degree.

so, while it is valid for me to be concerned about the quality of my research, it is also ok for me to keep it simple and straightforward. what i have has been reviewed and approved by experts from my university anyway. my research will be fine. i will be fine.

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🖋️ 240611 • tue

not much to share today save for the fact that my interviews have been psotponed to friday because its a holiday and i didnt even realise. so... that really pushes me back by a lot. i shouldve finished my data gathering last week but because of delays on my end, i had to push them back to this week and... because of me getting sidetracked yesterday im now in this position. im going to punish myself for this, definitely, but on the plus side at least i have more time to prepare for my presentation.

yesterday, i bought a copy of donna tartt's the secret history which is making me groan at myself because prior to that, i bought myself a copy of the master and margarita. and im not even halfway through finishing this mammoth of a book called wideacre. perhaps tonight and tomorrow i'll dedicate myself to finishing much of the book. hopefully i'll get through the halfway point. in fact, i'll start after i finish up this blog post.

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🖋️ 240610 • mon

Is this the week when things finally happen? It better be.

that was what i wrote on my journal today, a way for me to will myself into bringing myself closer to my thesis' end. but a sponty trip initiated by my friends as well as my very willing ass may have thrown me off that track. which i dont mind. how often will i get to enjoy spontaneous trips and plans as a college student? not for long, thats for sure. part of the spontaneous trip included buying a new book (one of my friends' favourites) as well as buying overpriced pasta (!!!!!!!)

on a completely different note, im learning how to let go of academic validation by deglorifying the awards and titles one cat get in university. dont get me wrong, we bust our asses trying to get one and receiving it feels great because its crystal-clear proof of our hard work and efforts. the problem is that, especially growing up in an asian household, our efforts tend to be defined by the presence of an award. idk, do some of your parents ever just make the award seem like it matters so much more than the efforts you put into earning them? it seems like that for me sometimes, and im trying to unlearn that and im going a long way.

the moment i hit my 4th year of college i started questioning the value that latin honours has. at that point, i was still qualified to get it. but then i started asking how helpful would it be? would it make it easier for me to get a job? would i be more likely to get accepted into grad school? if i don't get latin honours, does that mean i haven't worked hard enough? does the absence of it mean that i didn't do enough? and the answer i arrived at is... no. i've been working hard, and i am a hard worker, and my output is proof of that. not some title that my university is going to give me.

it felt nice being able to accept that cum laude or not, i feel secure enough about my abilities and skills that i don't need it to define me. ik this isnt' the same experience for everyone. people perceive it in different ways from me; this is mine.

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hi! is that little bed desk any good? i’ve been thinking of getting one for a while now

heyy and yes !! its really good bc of how multifunctional it can be. the one i got is quite small and its just enough for my laptop and my mouse but i use it for eating, too. id also write on it.

i sleep on a bunk and honestly it almost functions like a bedside table for me and i can place a bunch of stuff on it.

id call it a college essential and recommend you get it !!

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🖋️ 240607 • fri

i'm trying to teach myself that there are things i can be inconsistent with - things that are not all too important right now and as long as these are being put aside for more important things.

i wanted to have a regular posting schedule for my blogs but sometimes there's not much for me to share. and that's alright. there's always dull moments in life, and i'm learning that sometimes these dull moments don't need to be shared. i can just relish in its nothingness and soak it in.

onto other topics of discussion, wideacre is starting to pick up speed for me. i've only read one book of hers but the constant princess was such a masterpiece that i'd trust philippa gregory to write any female character bc ik i'd absolutely devour them. similar to what i'm doing now with this book. the character, beatrice, is quite straightforward yet complex at the same time. as she grows, the layers surrounding her grow. i'm only halfway through chapter 4 so there isn't much for me to say but i can't wait to share my thoughts about this book when i finish it.

i've also been enjoying this new plate i bought from a japanese dollar store. a lot of the time, i'm too lazy to cook myself a meal and end up ordering takeout. but this plate has been motivating me to whip up more recipes. it makes sense. some of us enjoy buying stationery because it encourages us to write, to take notes, to journal, or to do whatever on it. same thing with this plate – it's encouraging me to put things on it and take cute pictures and enjoy it. maybe there is a point to consumerism.

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another midnight study session, anyone?

maybe focus is not always on a desk.

sometimes, focus is when you're hunched like a goblin on your bed as you're cramming the work you procrastinated when the sun was still up. with nothing but 600ml of iced tea and your partner's hoodie to give you solace.

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🖋️ 240605 • wed

oh my gosh...

do you ever just get so knackered from a day out that when you get back to your place you're flat-out dead? that's what happened to me yesterday. it was admittedly a very exhausting commute back. lots of walking was involved and not to mention the heat. as soon as i got back to my dorm i wanted to do nothing else but just do my own thing.

that was wholly irresponsible of me, though. yes, i managed to finish up most of my work from my part time job but the things i meant to do for my thesis !!! what progress !!!! where !!!!!! zilch !!!!!!!!

so today i'm going back to the facility and i should expect that i'll be dying halfway through the commute back. hopefully i manage to make at least 50% progress on my work so that i wouldn't be behind on my progress. i'm already almost there! i should not be the reason why i'm not advancing through this research process.

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late night cramming

ended up cramming the orientation slideshow i was going to present to my research participants tonight. change of plan, i'm going to the facility tomorrow to properly schedule when i'll be briefing them and when i'll conduct my interviews so that i can also give myself enough time to prepare for it.

with how much i got going on it's hard to believe it's only the first day of the week.

i seriously hope that after the data gathering, i'll be able to sleep some more. i know a lot of people don't sleep while writing their thesis but i want to be kind to myself during that process. since my graduation is delayed to next year, i get the privilege of time. i'll use this to my advantage and maximise my workflow. i have until august to defend my thesis, so that leaves next week to the third week of july for data analysis and interpretation. the last 2 weeks of july shall be for defense prep. then on the first week of august, i should have defended my thesis already. that way, my life as a university student ends when the academic year is bound to start.