unwelllesbo

[unwelllesbo]

I was born to love loudly. I was born to hold on tightly and never let go. Honestly, I love being a lesbian, I love loving you. Waking up to your texts and pictures of you and your dog might be my favorite part of the day. I am just so afraid. Whether it’s me being too much, saying the wrong thing, or just not what you need, it terrifies me to death. Then there are the factors out my control. Those are even harder to deal with. When I get married, hopefully to you, even though it might be a bit crazy to think about the future this early, most of my family won’t attend. My father’s side doesn’t even care, they’re dead to me. Then there’s my mother’s side. There’s plenty of them that love me, but for quite a few of them, their love is conditional. They will only love me if I marry a boy, but that’ll never be me. There’s so much to be afraid of that sometimes I don’t know how to deal with it all, but god I want things to work out. I don’t care about being the first, I care about being the one that loves you the way you deserve to be loved. I hope that I’m not dreaming.

[unwelllesbo]

I don’t usually post fandom stuff on tumblr, but there’s one thing that I must say:

Hyuna pegs Luka and that man takes it like the little bitch boy he is!!

[unwelllesbo]

Bpd episodes are so weird cuz wdym I was sobbing my eyes out last night thinking that everyone was gonna leave me and now I’m giggling and kicking my feet imagining my future? Being heartbroken one moment and then head over heels the next is the biggest emotional whiplash ever.

[unwelllesbo]

Why do I still want to hurt myself? I have two beautiful cats, the sweetest and prettiest dog, a 30 on the ACT, several guaranteed college opportunities, the most gorgeous and kind girl that just came into my life, and my abusers are either suffering or dead. Why doesn’t the pain stop? Why can’t I calm myself down? I have a bright future and amazing opportunities. Life is good. In fact, I’m more sad now than I was when I was being abused. I’m no longer covered in bruises, I am safe, I’m cared for, but I just feel so goddamn empty. I’m only happy when people are around; the moment I’m alone, I just want to fucking die. I don’t want to be this way. I wish that I just never got this stupid fucking disorder. Then I could love normally, then I could be the person that you need, but god I’m just not. I’ll still selfishly love you, even if it ends up hurting you, because I’m a selfish person, but you will ultimately hate me and leave, just like they all do. It hasn’t happened yet, but it just feels inevitable. How long until I scare you? How long until I say something in a fit of rage? How long until I’m alone again? I don’t want to be alone. I DON’T WANT TO BE ALONE.

[unwelllesbo]

The word “stop”

When I was young, I was told “stop” is a strong word.

When I was young, I was shown that it’s not strong at all.

The word “stop” never ceased your pokes and prods.

The word “stop” never freed me from your grip.

No word is strong enough to stop someone twice your size.

No word was strong enough to help me.

The word “stop” never works when it matters most.

I still remember the bruises on my ankles, knees, and wrists.

I still remember your laughs, the way my struggles amused you.

It wasn’t funny to me.

It shouldn’t have been funny to you.

I would scream and tremble, but you didn’t care.

I would cry until I couldn’t make more tears, but you kept going.

The word “stop” is just another word.

It can be ignored like any other.

[unwelllesbo]

Your a faggot

Just for you 🤭

[unwelllesbo]

I feel like I need to constantly apologize just for existing.

[unwelllesbo]

Hands and their differences

My mother’s hands are soft and gentle.

I feel comfortable, safe, and happy, when at her hands.

Whether it’s a hug, high five, or simply a gentle squeeze,

She always finds a way to comfort me.

My father’s hands were rough and cruel.

I felt scared, anguished, and worthless, when at his hands.

Whether it was a smack, punch, or simply a pinch,

He always found a way to make me flinch.

His hands were scratchy and insistent.

I felt uncomfortable, unlovable, and used, when at his hands.

Whether it was a caress, a poke, or simply hand holding,

He always found a way to scare me in submission.

Your hands are kind and careful.

I feel secure, euphoric, and seen, when at your hands.

Whether it’s a touch of our pinkies, a tickle fight, or simply resting against each other,

You always find a way to make me feel worthy.

[unwelllesbo]

i feel so left out. like everyone around me knows how to be a human and i don’t.

[unwelllesbo]

it’s so heartbreaking to realize that i’m not getting better.. it’s just phases of good, then bad, then repeat.. no matter how good i think i’m doing, it always seems to get bad again..

[unwelllesbo]

Everything about me is so so wrong

[unwelllesbo]

“your trauma doesn’t define you” no actually it does. it dictates every aspect of my shitty life.

[unwelllesbo]

I don’t take hints. Throw a rock at me

[unwelllesbo]

holy fuck why does it always feel like i’m asking for too much, always asking too much.

[unwelllesbo]

[unwelllesbo]

The exact experience I went through when looking for online resources after getting diagnosed with bpd lol

me: huh, i have this problem, i wonder if i can find any resources to help support me!

google: 7 ways to KILL a person with this evil manipulative abuser trait! how to know if someone you know has this trait and is LEECHING off of you and SECRETLY ABUSING you! remember that people with this trait are EVIL and SUBHUMAN and UNWORTHY OF ANYTHING GOOD!!!

[unwelllesbo]

sometimes all you need is someone to call you pretty and hug you. oh and be sickeningly obsessed with you