vira-vent - Tumblr blog

[vira-vent]

Being genderfluid and being a guy right now is so funny cause I just went out shopping and got all excited purchasing the most mundane things for dudes, like cologne and boxers.🤣

[vira-vent]

Thoughts on my gender identity/expression:

(This is gonna be a much happier post than my previous ones, but regardless, I feel most comfortable posting about this here than on my main.)

Hello, I'm Genderfluid, and my pronouns are he/him or they/them.

I can't fully express in words how euphoric I am with my gender identity right now. I've been experimenting and playing around with different pronouns and gender identities for a while and I think I've finally settled comfortably into one I feel the happiest with. I've been dealing with anxiety and stress all my life, (I am afab) and before I knew about all the different gender identities and that you can be a different gender than the one you were assigned with at birth, I just thought I was going to be afab forever. I just didn't know any better. I thought a lot of my social anxiety and lack of confidence stemmed from me having autism and just who I was as a person. But when I started playing around with the idea of being a different gender, everything changed. I started to act so much more confident and the stress of pretending to be someone I wasn't just melted away. When it comes to being genderfluid, and where I lie on that spectrum, I tend to stay on the masculine and gnc/androgynous side of the spectrum. I never feel like I'm going to be on the feminine side of that spectrum anymore (which I love and it is very freeing to say that and feel that!). I do feel like I identify as a male most days and if on some rare occasion I don't, then I just feel like a very effeminate male. Sitting down and finally realizing that this is how I've felt all along is so liberating I can't really express in words how happy it makes me feel. Presenting more masculine and behaving more masculine just feels so right. I always was kinda "boyish" and "weird" as a little kid and I feel like there were lots of signs that there was something different about me. Maybe I'll make a separate post about that someday. I guess as societal norms started setting in as a got older I abandoned that side of myself but only for a short while. Knowing exactly who I am now and knowing how I want to live my life has brought me so much joy and relief that I wanted to share, and I hope anyone else struggling with their identity gets to feel what I'm feeling right now because it feels great. <3

[vira-vent]

I just had an exciting/stressful experience recently that was both parts good and bad. I'll keep it vague for personal life reasons (it was a test of some kind, I'll give a little bit of context). HOWEVER, I feel very strongly that this incident could have turned out A LOT better and would've had a more positive outcome had I been allowed to state the fact that I have autism and it affects me greatly in everyday life. Furthermore, I realized how utterly disappointed I am in our societies lack of accommodations it has in place for people with disabilities, and I mean both mental and physical disabilities.

I'm sure anyone with autism/anyone who is neurodivergent knows the disconnect we have from neurotypicals and the way they go through life. The closest thing I can compare it to is like showing up to a race late, all the neurotypical people get a major head start while I'm left struggling behind everyone trying my best to catch up. I don't think I'm going to come off as a "special snowflake" or "spoiled brat" by saying I NEED special accommodations every now and then in order to "catch up" to everyone and be given a fair shot. As an adult, I feel like these accommodations I need become more and more important and necessary since adult life can be EXTREMELY difficult (near impossible some days) to navigate as an individual with autism. I don't think it's too much to ask for some help and have people go a little easier on me in certain scenarios.

In this particular scenario (and many others I've had throughout my adult life) I've actually had to HIDE the fact that I even HAVE AUTISM so I don't get denied due to people thinking I am "mentally unstable" because they didn't do their research into what autism actually is. Call me paranoid but it is information I don't feel comfortable giving out out of fear I may get denied certain things or have people harshly judge and critique me. Thankfully my coworkers and boss know about my autism so work is all good, and my family is supportive, but most of the time I just have to do my best every where else and not tell anyone. I think every neurodivergent person should feel comfortable telling people these details under all circumstances, and I shouldn't feel afraid to divulge important aspects of myself out of fear of rejection.

Tldr: The world is NOT kind to neurodivergent people like myself and I am tired of it!

[vira-vent]

Man, I want a cute boyfriend SO BAD!!! I'm so ready to be back in a relationship again I just wanna have someone to show all my love to!!!

[vira-vent]

I want to move out so bad. I used to be on good terms with my parents, specifically my mom, but lately I've found her increasingly difficult to talk to. I just can't be in an environment where I am unable to be myself, express my honest thoughts, and talk to someone and have them genuinely listen.

I don't have anyone else right now, but I do have autism and for me specifically, being alone isn't soul crushingly lonely all the time like it is for some people. I don't mind being alone a majority of the time. Plus I am getting a lot better talking to people, so I know I won't be totally alone forever. I would love someone else to talk to eventually, I think that would be nice. I know things are only going to get better from here which is a nice thought. I'm not in the best environment but I am making the best out of it and enduring.

[vira-vent]

It's really easy for my mind to spiral into a neverending chain of negative thought after negative thought. I feel like I've become more sensitive to certain things as I've gotten older. Though slowly but surely, I feel myself getting better at recognizing my thoughts and when it's getting bad, and doing what I can to distract and tell myself it's all ok. Usually watching a TV show or funny YouTubers helps a lot with this, video games as well. Quick and easy escapism, then I'm good. I used to indulge in a project but right now I'm not in a good place to get into any creative project at the moment (though I know I will be in the future, when I move out it will be nothing but creative projects lol) so I just indulge in little distraction. Then I write down what was troubling me after as a sort of "brain dump." It's been difficult, but I feel myself getting stronger and making progress, and learning to silence all the negativity and debilitating thoughts.

[vira-vent]

My mind has a weird way of blowing things out of proportion/straight up lying to me.

For example: I was just thinking now about my past friendships and my brain went "they betrayed you, they backstabbed you, they don't deserve any happiness for the way they treated you," and I legit thought that was true for a moment. But then when I took a step back I realized "um, that's not what happened at all?? Please shut up brain." What REALLY happened was that me and my past friends grew apart... that's it. Our lives all took different directions and we went out separate ways and lost contact. Looking back, I realized I probably should have communicated my feelings better and maybe we would have stayed in touch a bit longer (which is a good lesson to carry forward with me) but at the same time, I'm perfectly fine with us going our separate ways. There was no I'll intent on either side, they didn't cause me any harm it's just what happens naturally to a lot of friendships. I wish my brain wouldn't try and trick me and rewrite the past as if it was that bad when it really wasn't.

It honestly feels like I've got a demon in my head sometimes, saying all these negative thoughts and straight up lies about people, trying to turn me against them. When in actuality, literally no one in my life is against me at all and is in fact rooting for me and on my side. It's harder than you'd think to ignore this stupid little voice in my head, not to mention exhausting. But I'm doing my best. I also wonder if there is a name for this "demon" in my head so that I could do some research to try and remedy it. I think just me being a actively aware of this occurrence, recognizing these thoughts that aren't true, and blocking them out is good progress. I used to just act on them and lash out but I'm getting better and recognizing untrue thoughts from the true ones.

[vira-vent]

I don't know if this is just my personal experience as someone with autism or if others can relate, but deciding whether or not I want assistance from people or to shut everyone out and just be alone all the time is a difficult decision.

Life is easier sometimes for someone neurodivergent like myself to get help from others. But that comes at a cost. People can help me but the way they might help me might being draining if that makes any sense. I might need their help but in order to do that, I have to do it their way and I don't want to do it that way but I don't have much of a choice in the matter. The people who assist me might also just be draining people in general, but once again, I've been stuck in scenarios recently where I don't have the option but to get help from them so I just have to grin and bear it.

I'm planning on moving out recently. And when I do, it's so tempting to just want to cut my family out of my life entirely. Even more tempting to just move to another state and start over completely, go where no one knows my name and I can just get a fresh start in life. My family has helped me get to this point but at the same time, they are draining beyond all reason. I can't even describe into words how they drain me and the way they make me feel. I feel trapped, caged, and restricted. I feel like I can't be my genuine self with them. If I could go now believe me I would, but my current life circumstances are causing me to wait. I know it sounds selfish to want to go and cut off the only people that have helped as an adult, but at this point I've come to terms with the fact that maybe I'm just a super selfish person. At least my selfishness isn't hurting anybody. All I want to do is be alone which won't hurt anyone so I guess that's nice.

[vira-vent]

It's hard having autism/being neurodivergent sometimes. On one hand, I love being alone and enjoy my solitude but on the other, I crave intimacy, belonging, and friendship but it's so difficult to make friends or maintain friendships and relationships for someone like me.

Like I want both but can't really have both. I could meet someone who'd just be ok with me leaving for a while to recharge (I did technically meet someone like that once but things didn't work out between us) but finding people like that is extremely hard. And I still have to maintain the friendship in some way regardless. It just takes so much work. I want people to be there for me, not a whole lot, just a couple, but it's so difficult to build friendships like that and keep them going like that.

Finding the right people is hard. It's always been hard. I still maintain optimism and stay cheerful even when I am on my own, and most of the time I really do enjoy being alone. But I can't escape that pang of loneliness on occasion.