waywardtyrantpirate

[waywardtyrantpirate]

Tw: violence an mentions of bad stuff

So I used to be in the radqueer community bc I have biid. I used to think that I had to be like that due this disorder - even tho I don't really agree w/ most of the stuff.

I used to also do a lot of research on the "par@phile" side of Tumblr bc I have strong violent urge that I feel bad about. Idk it was just a community where I felt like I wasn't going to be shamed for my violent urges. I don't agree w/ most of the stuff from there. Idk it's complicated.

It's hard to find community.

The urge usually involves hurting myself an the thoughts of cannibalism. Not anything else.

[waywardtyrantpirate]

Does anyone else w/ their schizophrenia feel that it's overwhelming in general? Especially trying to explain things to Drs or even to just people in general. It feels like they think I'm making it up.

It's hard to explain but it feels like Everytime I try to talk about my condition it feels like people don't believe me.

[waywardtyrantpirate]

Sorry guys, I've been gone for awhile, my mental health spiraled really bad. But I'm back!

[waywardtyrantpirate]

I'm feeling not so great, I did an exposure last night. I watched the movie Hereditary. I'm scared of thisovie bc demons. Anyways, my OCD an my schizoaffective are acting up an making me have a delusion.

Any people experience spiritual delusions, an tips to get out of them?

[waywardtyrantpirate]

But also it does sound like you may have BIID, I think you should also try and get help for that though instead of posting stuff here. Mainly, bc you'll make more progress there, but also bc tumblr is known to have a big problem with trans-ids and radqueers and that's not a good rabbit hole to be sucked into when you already struggle with psychosis so heavily.

(In case your not aware, radqueers are pro pedophilia and zoophilia as well as similar things, as well as trans-ids. And trans-ids are trans identities, except those identities often are trying to developing a disorder they don't have, causing physical damage to themselves or others, and even trying to change your race or species. Not all trans-ids are that extreme but it is inherently accepted by that communityto be so extreme.)

Yeah, I used to be radqueer for a while until I found out about the whole pe!do thing an zoo!while thing.

Turns out I just had biid, but just didn't know what it was called.

[waywardtyrantpirate]

Question for people w/ did

Um, so I'm kinda confused on something. When I had a psychotic break back in a long time ago it felt like I was being pushed out of my body. Like I was actually pushed out of my body an was watching myself. The other self was crying an was inconsolable.

I also had a slight problem in school where I was told I said something that I completely don't remember like at all an was very unlike me.

It feels like I'm being ripped in half.

Is this what splitting feels like? Or is something else going on here?

Take in consideration that I do have schizoaffective disorder.

[waywardtyrantpirate]

Tw: sa, memories, ect.

How do Ik what sex feels like if I'm a virgin? Like full on sex? This was a repressed memory that had popped up to me as a teen. I was very shaky an scared after it. Idk it's weird.

Ive also had hallucinations of sexual stuff alot. I was given a gummy once an bc I'm so underweight it had a strong effect. I then had weird somatic hallucinations like kissing an pushing my legs apart.

Weird, does anyone else have this?

[waywardtyrantpirate]

Tw: drugging, slight sa mention

I remember this memory. Where I was around 11 ish I think. An ice cream can had come to our neighborhood, which has never happened before. So we all got ice cream.

Then I remember not feeling well, not food poisoning unwell, I've had that happen before, this felt different.

My siblings also got really sick. I remember walking to my room barely conscious then I reached my doorway. I don't remember going to bed. Nor do I remember the next few days. Everytime I try to remember I get that wall of static again. The screaming isn't as loud but it's still there.

This happened after my mother had a talk w/ our backyard neighbor, who she said was pe!do. Idk if that relates to that incident. Idk it's all clouded.

I'm afraid that this was some sort of drugging again. Maybe she had this done to do stuff to us or k!ll us?

[waywardtyrantpirate]

Quick q,

I think I might have biid. I have this really strong urge to cut my face for a scar. Then my left leg just feels wrong. Like the bone is wrong. I feel like I should be using a cane.

This could also be the cotards talking. (Where I feel like I'm physically decaying)

Is this biid or something else?

[waywardtyrantpirate]

Quick q,

I want to be a industrial designer, I can't afford school but I want to build up a portfolio. I'm looking for a few companies to design stuff for free. Where do I look to do this?

[waywardtyrantpirate]

Tw: OCD, spiritual psychosis, r@pe, ect.

So I have a new OCD subtype now...

If I don't do certain things a certain amount of times then somehow I magically did a "glamour" or "love spell" an now the next person I sleep w/ will be technically unconsensual bc it's a love spell.

It's every day stuff like "tap that cup a certain amount of times..."

It's driving me crazy. I feel like I can't get out of this one.

Anyone else suffer from something like this?

[waywardtyrantpirate]

This is really sad but I'm putting this here bc I can't do dating apps again.

Idk even if this a thing but I'm putting my dating profile here bc why not?

Gender: nonbinary AFAB

Age: 22

Sexuality: pan

Diagnosis: PTSD, schizoaffective disorder

Likes: video essays, analog horror, makeup, clothes, painting, drawing

Dislikes: microfiber,

Looking for: Love!

[waywardtyrantpirate]

My Psych reading list !!!

I'll add more as I go on.

I'm reading these for personal use but wanted to put here if anyone else needs these!

Also I made this on picsart!

If you have anymore recommendations pls put them in the comments below!

[waywardtyrantpirate]

Undead gender euphoria:

My nurse couldn't get blood from me !!! (≧◡≦)

[waywardtyrantpirate]

Undead gender euphoria:

My nurse couldn't find my vitals! (≧◡≦)

[waywardtyrantpirate]

Tw: self harm, biid, ect.

Quick q, does facial scaring also count as biid? I have this strong urge to scar/cut up my face bc I want a very specific scar on my face.

It's not so much as a want but it feels like something is missing from my face. An I have very serious dysphoria.

[waywardtyrantpirate]

Do people date on Tumblr? Is that a thing?

So tired of dating apps but don't get out much due to being disabled.