winston-vandelay

[winston-vandelay]

A People

We're not just people 

We are a people

From the exhausted black woman 

To the ones they call illegal

To the children in Palestine 

Frightened, meek, and feeble

Even the poor whites

Brainwashed by the evil

Ways of politicians and exploiters

Telling them we shouldn't all be equal

This is our only life

As I'm doubtful there'll ever be a sequel 

So while we have the chance

We should paint a different picture upon Earth's easel

[winston-vandelay]

Still In Death, You Fight

Time took you,

like you were never mine,

and left not a trace

of your being behind.

Still in my heart,

I feel no man-shaped hole,

but rather a demanding soul.

it pounds along my heart’s wall,

breaking down what made me whole.

Your rhythm beats,

blending together with it,

echoing an angry tone.

how dare my heart still beat,

when yours has turned to stone?

My being apart

forever from your fleeting love,

and I can still hear it running off.

how dare my ears still endure noise,

when they ache to hear your voice?

Still in death,

all my cells float alive,

keeping my body bound.

how dare I still stand,

while you are in the ground?

You fight

to stop my solemn weeps.

it’s in my mind you sleep.

how dare my mind hold you still,

if not a piece of me ever will?

[winston-vandelay]

Reflections As I Cruise Through An Alaskan Fjord

This place is beautiful

This is so much bigger than me

So much greater

It was here so long before me

And it'll remain long after me

This mountainside has impacted so many more millions of organisms than I ever will

But as I breathe in the abundant clean air

I ponder the fact that I have now interacted with this ecosystem

And it's interacted with me

Forever changed, the both of us

For better or worse isn't really the point

Forever is

It'll live on in me and

I in it

Or maybe we've always been connected

Perhaps some atom or molecule in me was once

Nuzzled up against one from something out here

Cosmic cousins reuniting after all this time

Either way

The air I inhale imparts some of this wilderness into me

And every exhale deposits me into it's majesty

Forever

Maybe forever is now

Maybe I'm it too

Nothing really matters

But maybe for us it does

--September 3, 2024

[winston-vandelay]

Reflections After The 2024 Election

I have social anxiety disorder and for so long I’ve spent my life minimizing myself. Trying to take up as little space as possible so as not to offend the people around me. I go out of my way to cater to everyone else’s needs because, for what ever reason, I think that’ll endear me to them. I allow people to do and say shitty and somewhat traumatic things in an effort to keep the peace and to make sure they don’t see me as angry or sensitive. Often, it feels like I don't even know who I truly am. Like I'm just made up of all the versions of myself I build up to serve my interactions with others.

After I stayed awake for hours awaiting the results of the 2024 election, I was truly devastated at the results. And not just because Trump won. Obviously that scares the ever loving shit out of me. This has the potential of leading to the immediate downfall of America in the worst case and in the best case will lead to the degradation of the climate, the international status quo as well as our country’s bonds, culture, and decency for generations to come. And while we’ll have to fight that with all we’ve got to oppose his administration, that wasn’t the most devastating part for me.

It was that so many people chose an ill informed belief that the economy would improve over the well being of every underrepresented group in the country. Over the future of the Palestinians and the Ukrainians. Over the health of the climate and infrastructure we all share. They couldn’t look out for others more than themselves. Something I do compulsively. How could these people not care about the well being of others. Is this not a society. Is everyone stupid? Is this a simulation? Why are people not willing to sacrifice for others? Have I been wasting my time? As I lamented, something clicked for me that has changed my entire perspective. If these people cant look out for me, why do they deserve my attentiveness? Maybe my whole existence has been premised on a lie. Perhaps people aren’t fundamentally good as a whole. The first time he was elected, I always felt like there was a chance that the people who voted for him didn't fully understand what he was about, or that they didn't think he’d actually try to do the things he said, or that maybe they withheld their vote from Hillary in protest because they thought she’d win anyways. That notion was further supported by the fact that he lost the popular vote. I thought when Biden won, that it meant the last time was an aberration. A mistake. So when it happened again, I knew. The majority of them want it. They care so little about their fellow man that this was an acceptable option. Or they're so stupid that they don't understand how much this isn't in their own interest. Or maybe they’re simply racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, transphobic and just plain bigoted. So if they don't care about me, why should I care about them?

I will strive to take up more space and save more of my energy for myself. I will not give white people (and others) the benefit of the doubt. They will have to prove themselves to me before I allow myself to commune with them. Of course, I still care about others.

I will simply no longer center myself around others, especially for those who clearly are not down for the struggle. So far it has been so freeing. The angst and indifference feels surprisingly good. I hope this leads to me uncovering what it mean to be authentically myself. I’ve not lost sight of my ideals. I still believe in doing what’s right and working towards the common good. I have simply reframed my motives for being good. Gone is the treat others how you’d like to be treated ethos. Now I will be good because it is what is right and moral. I will help others and improve their lives as a way to improve my life and the lives of those I care about. I will reform people out of selfishness. I will be good whether they like it or not. Because I know now that I am inherently better than so many of them. I am smarter, stronger, more interesting, more talented and kinder. They may be jealous or think I am stepping out of line but I dont care. I cannot dim my brilliance for the sake of others anymore. They may never again think they are superior to me. And at the same time I will do what I can to encourage decency and inclusion and to push for ideals in society that encourage the betterment of our species. Not to ingratiate myself to them. For me. Not them.

--November 9, 2024

[winston-vandelay]

One

All I want is for people to treat each other better; for the world to come to a realization that we are all a part of the same. Once a person truly recognizes others as a part of the self, hate can no longer thrive. That is not to say that hate will no longer exist. Truly all hate is self hate. All fear is fear of the self. Upon the acceptance of our fundamental “oneness,” the folly of our hate, of the self or otherwise, is immediately apparent. At this point, we can begin to reconcile ourselves with this reality in order to heal. One can either fight this process or immerse themself in it. In any case, hatred of others cannot last and the power of the oneness of mankind will ultimately prevail. It is my hope that one day we will all come to this realization and work to create a better future.

 --January 11, 2014

[winston-vandelay]

About Nothing

I am nothing.

But so are you.

I am unimportant

Though no less than you.

I am a fleeting speck of life

Existing in a small portion

Of a massive Earth

Within an enormous galaxy

Which is only one of billions or trillions

Of galaxies within our

Ever expanding universe.

And who is to say our universe

Is the only one?

While I am quite insignificant,

I am just as insignificant as you.

Even if one of us manages

To change the world,

It will be nothing noteworthy

When compared to the everlasting “Is.”

Since we are all the same

Unimportant, sentient masses of space dust,

We should be humbled by the

Fact that there are billions of

Others just like us.

I say to you friend,

Put aside any differences you may

Have with your neighbor. 

I assure you that not only are

You more similar than different,

Your differences and problems

Are even less important than you!

Join me in basking in our

Utter nothingness.

Maybe one day

The human race will spread

And become something more

In this universe.

Or maybe not.

But I do know that if

We all acknowledge our

Insignificance,

We will all be unable to hate

Each other and

We’ll live a much happier

Existence.

--July 23, 2014

[winston-vandelay]

Hashtag

Praying to the universe that

I may never be a hashtag,

Or have my limp body dragged

From the street like a trash bag.

Some decry the racism,

While others  say "we're passed that"

And point to all my flaws to show

Why the cop should get his badge back.

--May 28, 2020

[winston-vandelay]

Broken

I'm so very broken.

But broken things can be beautiful, right?

I mean, broken things are made up

Of the same cosmic space shit

As everything else is, right?

Broken yet whole.

Broken but worth so much more

Than I give myself credit for.

--October 17, 2024

[winston-vandelay]

Introduction

Hello world! I'm Cordell AKA Cordiesel AKA Chef Boy R Diesel AKA Winston Vandelay AKA Prank Costanza. I'm a Baltimore based black polymath. Among other things, I'm an electrical engineer, writer of comic books, amateur film and poetry, powerlifting athlete, Foodie, home chef, amateur mixologist, event organizer, and philosopher. I believe in Black empowerment, feminism, socialism, LGBTQ+ rights, immigrant rights, and freedom for oppressed people throughout the world.

In creating this blog, I hope to be more involved in the struggle for a more just world, as well as to find a way to better express myself and my more creative and avant garde beliefs.

I appreciate you joining me on this journey and look forward to interacting with you!