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[wordsaloud]

entry 2: feeling your feelings

photo by: @worry-lines-comics

6 December 2023, 12:00am

i feel like for most of us, feelings tend to appear as obstacles– chores, even. something that gets in the way of life.

ugh, why do i have to have a mental breakdown a few hours before my very important deadline? why do i have to feel sad when i’m about to go out and meet my friends? i have so much to do today, i don’t have time to feel this way!

:/

i had therapy today, and we went in depth on how to handle my feelings. ask my therapist and he can tell you all about my tendencies to intellectualise my feelings instead of simply… feeling them and letting them do its thing. i’ve always felt this need to problem solve to quickly get rid of the bad feelings so that we can all move on with our day. if you’re guilty of doing this as well then.. i’m sorry to burst your bubble but it does nothing good for you. nothing permanent, at least.

most of the time i don’t even know what i’m feeling. all i could identify was that they were making me feel bad. and i think i probably had the belief that if i were to pry deeper into the feelings, i’d find worse feelings than just ‘bad’ and i guess a part of me did not want to deal with that. but you know how life is, just a constant cycle of things to be dealt with.

today he sent me a picture of some sort of an emotions wheel that branches out basic emotions to specific/extreme ones. sad -> hurt/lonely/despair/depressed -> disappointed/abandoned/powerless/empty. very kindergaten, i know. but it helped. like i said, most of the time i’m unable to identify exactly what i’m feeling. so how are we to deal with our feelings if we don’t even know what they are?

let that sink in.

during one of our earlier sessions my therapist mentioned ‘taking accountability for your feelings’ to me, which i, at first, was completely offended by. i was saying that xxx happened and it made me feel this way. it made sense right? why was he invalidating me for feeling a certain way because of something that someone did?

after that session i went home and thought about it further. i realised that taking accountability for your feelings doesn’t have to mean the cause of your feelings were invalid or unjustified. i guess it’s more of better understanding yourself and your triggers rather than just dwelling on the fact that it’s caused by that one person, or that one incident. (tbh i’m not sure if this was what he meant, but it makes sense to me so i’m running with it)

frankly speaking, i still struggle to grasp the concept of separating my emotions from the ‘cause’ of them. but i can say that i’m more conscious of the way i approach these negative feelings that come up from time to time. i think one way to handle your emotions better, is to personify them.

think inside out.

all the different emotions in your mind and your heart just trying their best to handle what life is throwing at them. when you feel a certain emotion creeping up, don’t shy away. don’t ignore them. give the emotion the attention it needs and sit with it, no matter how uncomfortable it may be.

most importantly, remember– your emotions are not out to get you. don’t treat them as such.

at the end of the day, feelings and emotions are what makes us humans. it’s what connects us best with other humans. being able to feel surprised, content, angry, scared, bored, excited, anxious.. i think it’s beautiful. just like in life, you can’t just have the good stuff all the time. in order to appreciate the happy feelings, you’re gonna have to go through the bad feelings too!

also also! remember, you are never alone. i know my blog has 0 viewers now but in any case this gets the attention of anybody who might need it, my inbox is always a safe space for you.

i hope this has been a helpful sharing! please have a great day and remember to be kind to yourself <3

till the next entry, friends!

nelly.

[wordsaloud]

entry 1: change/get to know me

16th August 2023

change is the only constant in life.

21 years and i still struggle to internalise, let alone embrace change. it’s tough to embrace something that you can’t expect, something with the potential to make or break your life.

yes, hi. before we get any further into this entry, i’m nelly. 21. undergraduate. from singapore. and very, very lost.

i know that at this age, it’s commonly known as a transitional period where we’re starting school, ending school, starting our careers, moving overseas and whatnot. basically going all over the place, just hoping we’re making the right decisions for the sake of our future.

i graduated polytechnic in may 2022 and decided to take a gap year. i was already working as an intern during my last semester of polytechnic, so the transition into the industry wasn’t too abrupt. but still, it was the period when I also decided it was time for me to sustain myself. i stopped taking allowance money from my dad, i paid for my own bills, my food and all other expenditures and i was even giving my parents money.

this was a change, alright. but it was a controlled change. so still, not too bad right?

1st December 2023, 11:00pm

so. um. a little change of plans. and a little fast forward into time. the words above were written just days before my world felt like it was collapsing into me. my initial intended message of this entry to you, was to embrace change. i was also kind of hoping that i could convince myself that life right now isn’t too bad afterall.

but boy, i didn’t even manage to finish this entry before life bit me in the ass.

don’t get me wrong, nothing drastic happened. things in uni just got too overwhelming to quickly. academically, physically and boy…. emotionally.

to be fair, i didn’t even want to be in uni in the first place. but yknow, asian parents. so frankly speaking, i came into uni with not an ounce of proactiveness and initiative in my system. i knew nothing about the uni curriculum, the syllabus, requirements.

but at the end of the day, i was simply still a singaporean child yearning for academic validation. and when i realised i wasn’t doing too well, i panicked and i spiralled. for months. everyday i wake up and all i would feel is immense dread. for most of the struggle, my issue was feeling alone.

i think i can speak for most uni goers that there are no constants in uni. especially if you’re in a double major programme. unless you’re really lucky. there are no form classes like in poly/jc, no close rapport with your lecturers, and for the past few months i still feel like i’m still introducing myself with people. so i, have not been very lucky in that sense. my only friend in uni is my roommate, and she studies computer sciences. me? linguistics and english. most of my programme related ‘friends’ are all on a hi-bye basis. so that sucks.

i wanted so desperately to belong in some type of friend group or just have one constant friend, but to no avail. and i eventually just stopped trying. i still felt alone, though. just doesn’t feel too bad if i don’t try anymore, you know what i mean?

yeah, so i was struggling with trying to catch up with my module contents and i always just kept thinking about how it would feel if i had somebody else to struggle with, you know? the semester has ended, and this still hasn’t changed for me. but i’ve made peace with it. you can’t force friendships and i’m okay with that.

i, however, did spiral for months and it affected my relationship because i was relying too much on her emotionally. i was asking too much from her. since i didn’t have any uni friends, every lament, every whine, every complain went through her ears. and i won’t go too deep into it, but it did affect our relationship for a while and to be honest, it’s still kinda rocky now. but that’s a story for another entry.

along the way though, it felt like something changed inside of me. in a good way. maybe i was tired of constantly throwing myself a pity party instead of doing the shit i needed to do. maybe it was because i joined other things in school that didn’t make school feel like absolute hell.

it was a risk, of course– to add more things into my schedule when i was already struggling with what i already had on my plate. but god, they were such blessings. i am so eternally grateful for my dance cca. it’s not like we’re besties, but every time i came into practice i always just felt like i belonged. they treated me like it. it’s something that i didn’t, and still don’t feel in my programme. so it was really so, so refreshing.

after i joined, we were practising for a big scale performance so it was trainings after trainings after trainings and i was so so busy but so, so determined and excited. it gave me some sort of purpose as well as an outlet to destress physically in between rushing assignments and studying for my finals.

it’s semester break now. yay i survived one semester of uni! 7 more to go. it’s needless to say that i have more time on my hands, but i also have a lot i wanna do. go back to the gym, spend more time with my loved ones, write more! and of course, to NOT repeat my mistakes of this semester. so i’ll be reading up on my next semester texts to give myself a headstart.

anyways, i apologise. this is my first entry. so structure and content distribution wise, i’m not too sure what’s the right way to go about it. just take it as a little get-to-know-me piece hehe.

maybe you can let me know! did you read through the whole thing? did you get bored? was it tmi?

thank you for reading, remember to be kind to yourself <3

till the next entry, friends!

nelly.