xetch

[xetch]

Thank you for the response!

I do have dissociative issues, possible derealization and depersonalization, and PTSD but I've also found quite a bit of relatablity in other people's experiences with having DID/OSDD (thus the meantion of the two). I have been trying to look into getting a therapist but no one around here even has much experience with dissociative disorders, much less DID/OSDD so I've just been keeping notes and such for myself for the time being.

Thank you again though, and I really appreciate the help. I hope you have a good day/night^^

♧ If someone with either DID/OSDD or some form of dissociative disorder could help a brother out with this, that'd be lovely

I realize that the reason I struggle to connect to myself and to regain who I was in terms of healing, is because I still feel like "who I was" is still within the body as their own person but it's not who I am so I can't be them. Even trying to get back into the hobbies they did before, it feels invasive like I'm intruding on smth they liked, what they did. And while the body might hold the memory to pull off the hobby, I feel nothing for it because it's not my thing.

Is this a DID/OSDD thing or is it regular for normal dissociative disorders? Or if you relate in some way, lmk; I'd love to know I'm not crazy lol

[xetch]

♤ I feel as though it truly wouldn't matter.

Most people I've ever interacted with are long gone.

There's more fingers on one hand than how many people who talk to me currently. None of them care the way I need them too.

I am sick. I disabled. I am traumatized. I am struggling.

I have used my childhood to try and make myself lovable and acceptable to people.

I have used my youth to try and prevent the issues that I saw in my future.

I have used my adult years desperately trying to get help and begging for people to listen to me as my health declines and I feel my body continue to fail me.

I have worked my entire life to try and fix everything that's wrong with me, everything that other people have done to me.

Why is it that even now that when I have nothing left to give, fucking nothing, am I still the bad guy?

I could have been such a great person. I could have been so happy. I wanted to do so much.

Why?

Why wasn't I allowed that?

Why am I not allowed to be happy?

Why am I not allowed to be comfortable in my own fucking body?

Why am I not allowed to have a safe home?

Why am I not allowed to have people in my life who don't fucking make me feel like shit?

Why am I not allowed to be tired even now?

Why?

Why?

[xetch]

♧ If someone with either DID/OSDD or some form of dissociative disorder could help a brother out with this, that'd be lovely

I realize that the reason I struggle to connect to myself and to regain who I was in terms of healing, is because I still feel like "who I was" is still within the body as their own person but it's not who I am so I can't be them. Even trying to get back into the hobbies they did before, it feels invasive like I'm intruding on smth they liked, what they did. And while the body might hold the memory to pull off the hobby, I feel nothing for it because it's not my thing.

Is this a DID/OSDD thing or is it regular for normal dissociative disorders? Or if you relate in some way, lmk; I'd love to know I'm not crazy lol

[xetch]

◇ It feels like my brain can't acknowledge the fact that we're alive.

[xetch]

♡ Just like moving, you need to clean up and rid yourself of things that no longer serve you in order to allow space for the new.

You cannot bring in love and healing into a dirty house and not expect it not to be dirtied.

[xetch]

♤ No, because you're not the one who was there when I had my first panic attack.

No, because you're not the one who was there when I was dealing my ED.

No, because you're not the one was there when I was praying to a God I didn't believe in to "please fix my family. Make us happy so then they would love me" or when it changed to "why?"

No, because you're not the one who was there when I was staying up night after night, crying my eyes out until I completely shut down and went numb.

No, because you're not the one who was there when I had to suppressed parts of me to be better liked

No, because you're not the one who was there when multiple times I could have ended it all and almost did.

No, because you're not the one who was there to help me mourn.

No, because you're not the one who was there when everything fell apart.

No, because you're not the one who was ever there for me.

I was. Me.

You weren't there for anything. You didn't even know. No one knows what I've held myself together through and I'm still trying to figure out what I did it for. Because it sure as hell wasn't for you.

[xetch]

♧ Say it with me...

I understand what you went through and the issues you have but that doesn't mean I deserved that too.

I understand what you went through and the issues you have but that doesn't mean I deserved that too.

I understand what you went through and the issues you have but that doesn't mean I deserved that too.

I understand what you went through and the issues you have but that doesn't mean I deserved that too.

I understand what you went through and the issues you have but that doesn't mean I deserved that too.

I understand what you went through and the issues you have but I was your child.

[xetch]

big fan of anything that shuts my brain off for a little while

[xetch]

I know it's getting bad again when all I have the energy to do is get high and lay in bed pretending to be somewhere else

[xetch]

◇ empty

empty

Empty

Empty

EMPTY

EMPTY

EMPTY

EMPTY

I FEEL FUCKING EMPTY

[xetch]

I feel like I was just thrown into life with absolutely no skills, no survivalism, very little functioning, little will to live and then expected to live a full functional life and be productive and healthy.

[xetch]

True isolation is when everyone else is talking about their vibrant teenage experience and you’re like. I was just trying to survive

[xetch]

i knew from a young age i was weird and off putting and unlovable

[xetch]

I’m a stranger to myself; uncomfortable in my own body and unsafe in my own mind

[xetch]

[xetch]

♤ If you're someone that uses autistic as an insult or in a negative way or the r word in general, I hope your days are miserable like harmful shit your spreading and I hope they continue that way until one day you learn the impact of your actions

[xetch]

My disability has once again disabled me and I for one and shocked.