aegolexic - Tumblr blog

[aegolexic]

Personally I have come to the conclusion that it doesn't really matter how much being autistic influences my sexuality (and gender):

I describe myself as aegosexual because it fits and it feels right. I keep having thoughts about the influence of being autistic and mental illness on these things, but in the end I try to treat the label as a description of how I am and how I feel, regardless of contributing factors.

In the end it comes down to a personal preference/decision of how to label oneself.

How can I tell if I am Aegosexual?

I like reading sm*t and reading h*ntai but have little interest in live action stuff. I like the idea of sex between characters I like and even others OCs. But the idea of sex involving a real human being who is not a character in a show or movie is weird to me. I cannot even picture myself in a sexual situation.

For a longtime I thought I was bisexual as I like all flavors of pairings as long as it’s consensual.

I tried dating once but looking back was more in it for the companionship than anything else. 

I like the idea of having a partner and being in a long term relationship but the idea of socializing enough to get from “meet cute” to “marriage” is terrifying (I have autism so social situations are always weird for me). I can barely tell if the difference between acquaintance and actual friendship. 

Since discovering the term Aegosexual I feel like I found a word that fits but I don’t know. Maybe I am demisexual with social anxiety. I really don’t know

Any advice you could give or resources you are aware of would be appreciated

I think you’re aegosexual. Can’t say I have any more resources for you. My tumblr here is pretty big, the aegosexual wikia at some point, was helpful but it can be edited and changed so much that the info there isn’t always the best. There’s some great discussions over on the aegosexual(s) Reddit.

What I really like now is that I’m able to run polls, so that aegos can get a feel of how similar their feelings are to others within the label, or what people really vary on.

[aegolexic]

It's still so funny to me how I mostly learned about sexual, romantic and even some more general social relationships from gay fanfiction.

Plus all kinds of neurotypical behaviour and emotions.

I used to attribute all of that to me being autistic but the whole aego perspective adds so much more to it.

Even now I sometimes have to remind myself that there is this vast devide between the sexual/romantic content I consume and like to imagine in a conceptual sense and what I would actually like to happen to my body (which is difficult to pinpoint but extremely low in comparison).

Of course I understand sexual attraction, I read all about that in fanfics!

[aegolexic]

Ah, I only saw the "would you" after answering and now I'm confused again.

Yes, I've had sex before

but also...

I really don't know if I would want to try it again sometime. I'm really split on that because it feels like a part of me absolutely says yes while the other is mixed between terrified and disgusted.

(Oh and also I love these polls. Great way to remind myself that I'm really not alone in this.)

Aegos: would you ever

[aegolexic]

The 2023 Gender Census is now open!

[ Link to survey ]

The 10th annual international gender census, collecting information about the language we use to refer to ourselves and each other, is now open until 9th May 2023.

It’s short and easy, about 5 minutes probably.

After the survey is closed I’ll process the results and publish a spreadsheet of the data and a report summarising the main findings. Then anyone can use them for academic or business purposes, self-advocacy, tracking the popularity of language over time, and just feeling like we’re part of a huge and diverse community.

If you think you might have friends and followers who’d be interested, please do reblog this blog post, and share the survey URL by email or at AFK social groups or on other social networks. Every share is extremely helpful - it’s what helped us get 40,000 responses last year.

Survey URL: https://survey.gendercensus.com

The survey is open to anyone anywhere who speaks English and feels that the gender binary doesn’t fully describe their experience of themselves and their gender(s) or lack thereof.

Thank you so much!

[ Link to survey ]

Image credit: Avery at Tradescantia Hub

[aegolexic]

The longer I think about (types of) people I am attracted to (not necessarily in praxis but definitely in theory - still figuring that aegosexual mess out), the more sapphic I feel.

And it's incredibly weird because for most of my life I just thought "yeah well, of course women/girls look good and are attractive, they are 'the beautiful/fair/whatever sex' after all", so I never seriously considered being lesbian or bi when I was younger. I just thought that this was what everyone thought and only really wondered about my very fickle attraction to men/boys.

But looking back it is so painfully obvious. And it puzzles me in a way because I had an openly lesbian classmate and always thought, that I didn't have a bias against same-sex attraction. Only that finding a woman hot, something that happened often, never occured to me to be possibly on the same level as finding a man hot, something that only rarely occurred.

And sure, above all I am still unsure of my gender and just where I am on the asexuality spectrum, but it is still such a surprising work in progress for me to come to terms with sapphic attraction.

[aegolexic]

Every time someone tells me that "women's day" is somehow "my day" I feel less female.

And of course they mainly say so because I'm not out regarding my gender (and don't particularly want to have a big discussion about it), but it still hurts.

[aegolexic]

On Aesthetic Attraction

I want to share a little, potentially helpful, thought to those who find attraction hard to understand.

Specifically, aesthetic attraction.

I've identified as asexual for 8 years now, and one thing that would have made this part of my sexuality a little easier to understand was having a fuller understanding of 'Aesthetic attraction'. I experience very strong aesthetic attraction and I'll often refer to people as 'hot' based on finding them really aesthetically attractive. I noticed others saying the same thing. But most explanations of aesthetic attraction would say something like "It's like finding the sunset pretty or appreciating the beauty of a painting" and for some, that may be true and it's certainly the simplest way of putting it. But for me it was something more than that, it was a lot stronger than just finding someone pretty. But it certainly wasn't sexual attraction... or really anything else. It's confused me for a long time, and I've seen other ace and aro people also sharing this confusion.

But then I realised that I'd forgotten something that is so obvious. It's called aesthetic attraction for a reason. It's being attracted to someone because of their appearance.

I saw this tweet today and felt it explains it in the best way I've seen so far.

"attraction based on a visual appreciation or captivation of the physical appearance or allure of another person" credit: azejournal

I feel maybe we ace and aro people forget that aesthetic attraction can still, very much, be a strong attraction - a 'captivation' by someone's appearance or, as the tweet puts it, even the 'allure' of them. You don't want to do anything with them, other than, perhaps, just look at them, draw them, etc.

Let's go back to the 'appreciation of the beauty of a painting' idea and adapt it to the way in which I now think of aesthetic attraction, which I've found very useful.

So say you're in an art gallery and you're a fan of art, you appreciate the beauty of them. Or maybe you're not really a fan of a lot of art, just the occasional piece. Nevertheless, you might look at a piece and think "Oh that's a nice one, yes I like the colours, it's very pretty and well done." And then you move on after a minute, and by the end of the day you know you found it nice to look at, but you've not got an urge to see it again. That's what a lot of previous descriptions of aesthetic attraction feel like to me. You appreciate the beauty of it but there's no attraction.

However, what I feel is perhaps a more accurate metaphor for aesthetic attraction is this: You enter a gallery and in a room full of art, there's one that catches your eye. You're immediately drawn to it - there's just something about it that interests you, that captivates you. Maybe it's really beautiful to you, or maybe it's not pretty in the typical sense of the word, but there's something about its appearance that attracts you to it. You look at it for way longer than other pieces. You might take a sneaky second look at it before leaving. At the end of the day, it's the one you think about and maybe you buy a postcard or poster to put in your bedroom so you can look at it again, and again.

And that's what aesthetic attraction is, for me. It's aesthetic, not romantic, not platonic, certainly not sexual, but an attraction all the same. And that's something I think is key to remember when you're confused about the crazy world of attraction.

[aegolexic]

I might just call myself aegosocial for now.

I’m basically a recluse in my mind, filling social needs (and I’d include sexual, romantic, platonic etc in this) through reading stories and experiencing emotions through characters and music while actual social situations either repulse me or push me into being very much not myself.

This is probably more about being autistic than about queer identities but I’m getting to a point where I don’t care about that anymore.

[aegolexic]

Hello! I’m Freya and I am doing a personal project about sexual vs. romantic identity. This is related to Aromanticism and Asexuality and how Aspec people’s experiences differ from Allos.

If you don’t know what any of those words mean, that’s okay! That’s why I am doing this project you should still respond.

 Anybody regardless of sexuality, gender or age can and should fill out the form below: https://forms.gle/8qmfRCJ766G6oARj9

Thank you <3

P.S please share I really want as large of a sample as possible

[aegolexic]

Maybe what I really need to consider more regarding questioning identities etc is how I have always felt that I have not just one personality and self. Not in the sense of DID, but likely as a result of constant masking and hiding parts of myself.

Everytime I get to be alone at home for a day or more I surprise myself with just how different I feel and am when I’m alone. Because I often forget that this way of being is even possible for me. In a way it is like returning colors to my perception of the world that I otherwise don’t see. And returning to “normal” mode is often overwhelming and painful which I didn’t really understand for a long time.

So I might just have to put labels on my unrestricted alone-self and put a layer of grey/vague over it all for the other self. But that won’t quite work for forms of attraction because I can’t imagine a situation in which I could possibly be my alone-self and in (close) contact with someone, so it just slips into a fantasy realm I can’t differentiate from aego thoughts.

[aegolexic]

Aego culture is the constant dilemma about "wait, am I ace at all?" and "no ew I would probably scream in terror if someone asks me to receive that type of touch" but eventually settling with "fuck, I don't know anymore."

Constant questioning is aego culture most definitely!

[aegolexic]

Honestly it’s no wonder I struggle with finding the “correct” label(s) considering I also always wonder just who and how I actually am under all the masking. I simply don’t know anymore because even in the presence of those closest to me I mask and try to avoid being noticed in anything I do.

And maybe that is the other reason of why being aego (with but also without the -sexual, in regards of romantic attraction I still have no clue) speaks to my soul like no other label ever has. It’s something that relates perfectly to my relationship with my body and pretty much all of its needs (like hunger and libido). They exist and I am very conflicted about them, but I honestly would rather not have any of them.

[aegolexic]

CN: (short mentions of) suicidal thoughts

~~~

I always feel so weird about the premise that I could possibly contribute to any “x culture is y” account/discussion, because I have never been and probably will never be the norm for any group of people. The most I can do is to try to break down my feelings in a way that some thought or feeling can be reduced to being about one certain identity but that is rare and I still feel weird about it.

And it hurts and makes me lonely sometimes, all the while I actively reject those that try to (re-)connect with me. But I there are so many parts of myself that I hide. The depth of my anxiety and depression, part of my autistic behaviours and my queer identities, that seem to become increasingly important to me.

And while that really isn’t new to me since I was basically (at least) in a triple closet for most of my youth (keeping hidden my faith, my suicidal thoughts and outside my close family my autism), it is so hard to carry on sometimes when there seems to be nothing and noone in the future. And while I’m reasonably secure in my life at the moment I still need someone to talk to, but at the same time I want to be alone and won’t actually approach anyone.

Now this account is really not meant for depressed, anxious thoughts but as always everything intersects and I need to put it out somewhere...

[aegolexic]

So damn conflicted about myself right now.

Sapphic in an autistic, aspec way.

Ace in a sapphic, aego way.

What even is romantic attraction?

What do I do with my libido?

Did I actually ever like men/boys in some way or was it all just heteronormativity?

How do I differentiate things I like to think about from things I’d like to actually experience?

Why does nothing make sense if I start to think about it longer?

[aegolexic]

I hate how difficult it is for me to fit in to any community because I always seem to be in some weird intersection that I can’t not talk about. Like I just cannot think about or explain my queerness without my autism and my mental health disorders.

And while I don’t exactly have many contacts with other autistic people, I am way more secure in it. With everything regarding queer identities I just feel like I if I say something/ allude to something, then people simply ignore it because I am autistic and have problems with social interactions, anxiety and depression, which seems to be enough to “explain away” everything else (especially being aspec). And in queer communities I’m still quite afraid of doing/saying/interpreting things wrong and with every question I always end up at a point where I don’t know if a label really fits or if it is for other reasons. Which shouldn’t matter so much, but it keeps me from really being part of anything.

[aegolexic]

The 2022 Gender Census is now open!

[ Link to survey ]

The ninth annual international gender census, collecting information about the language we use to refer to ourselves and each other, is now open until 13th August 2022.

After the survey is closed I’ll process the results and publish a spreadsheet of the data and a report summarising the main findings. Then anyone can use them for academic or business purposes, self-advocacy, tracking the popularity of language over time, and just feeling like we’re part of a huge and diverse community.

If you think you might have friends and followers who’d be interested, please do reblog this blog post, retweet this tweet, boost this Mastodon post, check out this post on Reddit, and share the survey URL by email or at AFK social groups or on other social networks like Facebook. Every share is extremely helpful - it’s what helped us get 44,000 responses last year.

Survey URL: https://survey.gendercensus.com

The survey is open to anyone anywhere who speaks English and feels that the gender binary doesn’t fully describe their experience of themselves and their gender(s) or lack thereof.

Thank you so much!

[ Link to survey ]

[aegolexic]

neurodivergent questioning aspec culture is not knowing if you ever experienced romantic attraction or if it was all platonic attraction or if it maybe just were hyperfixations

<3