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aerithsage · 5 years

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Why Writing Doesn’t Feel the Way It Used To...

A little background before I dive into this sad and deep issue...

I started writing back in 2012. I was fresh out of college and just finished taking the Nursing board exams. The results take a few months to come out and you can’t really work as a Nurse then because there’s no license yet.

So I did something I enjoyed so much: reading books.

One day, reading books got too boring and there was nothing interesting for me to binge-read. And then I had this super awesome dream and I was like: “I have to write this down.”

That dream became the plot of my first ever story: The Last Sorceress.

And I was happy I could just express myself.

I had maybe two or three readers and I was very happy. I just wanted to write. I just wanted to pass the time. I didn’t study journalism or anything so my first online story was filled with mistakes, typos, plot holes, and so much more.

To give you an example, here’s how I wrote dialogues way back:

“I don’t love you anymore.” She said.

Yup. And so much more errors apart from that. But thinking back on it, what I really wanted back then was to express the story inside my head. So I just typed away on my keyboard. I let the words flow so I can tell the story. Not a single care about all the errors. And to be honest, I really didn’t know better.

One story became two. Two became three and so on.

No one starts with thousands of readers right away. I had ten and I was happy.

My book, The King’s Slave (which now has over 18 Million reads on Wattpad) was finished with 35,000 reads. That was like a “whoa” moment and I never actually expected lots of readers.

When I started, I wrote only Fantasy Romance stories.

For my first year anniversary on Wattpad, I challenged myself to write something different. So I wrote a billionaire contemporary romance: The Billion-Dollar Marriage Contract.

That started the snowball and I gained lots and lots more followers. It was also the first book of mine that got published. Back then, publishing seemed like a distant dream so when it happened, I couldn’t believe it.

At the same time, real life happened.

I had to work to earn money. Writing and publishing a book pays. But it’s not a constant income like a salary. On the release of your book, you’d probably get a lot of money but then it goes downhill from there.

It’s probably because readers who actually liked to buy it already bought it during release. And then later on, pirated copies also surface so people just download it instead of buying it. (An entirely different issue which I could probably write another lengthy post about)

So with all this, writing doesn’t really give you a constant income like a fixed salary. And just like anyone out there, I also wanted a comfortable life for myself and also to be able to afford some luxuries.

Fast forward to the present...

I barely have time to write now because I have a full time job. Apart from that, I actually work at night because the company I work for is in the US and I’m in Manila. In the morning, I’m sleeping.

And when you work nights, you’re just tired all the time.

But I’m also at fault here. Yes, I do not work 24 hours in a day. Yes, I can sleep 8 hours and still there’s some time left. But why do I not write?

Is it because I have poor time management skills? Maybe. Probably.

But actually, it’s because writing doesn’t really feel the way it used to.

Back then, it brought me so much joy. Back then, I was much younger and didn’t know the harsher realities of life that I know and experience now.

Back then, the community was also a lot better.

So this is what it really boils down to: I don’t write because I don’t find the enjoyment I did before.

Sometimes, I set aside a few hours to write. I write and write and then I post it. And then the first comment I receive: Finally. That took you so long. Hope the next one doesn’t take years.

I know it took me a long time. But think of it this way: to be able to write and post that chapter, I didn’t spend time to play the game that brings me enjoyment. I cut my sleep for a few hours. I didn’t hang out with my friends.

Also, the comment is way negative and over time I’ve associated posting an update with sadness and disappointment.

Think of it this way: If you ring a bell and then give your dog a treat immediately after, he will think that every time he hears the bell, a treat is coming. So he gets all happy and waits for the treat. (Pavlov’s Dogs)

For me, posting an update and reading comments are the bell. But in a totally different way. Instead of making me happy, I’ve now associated writing with negative comments and then furthermore the feeling of disappointment.

It’s like nothing I ever do is good enough.

One might think that this is me being too negative. Probably. But I just want to express my feelings by writing this. Yes, I know I have tons of supportive readers out there.

More often than not, the supportive readers are silent. The noisy ones are actually the cancerous ones. So if the supportive ones are silent, what do we writers see? More negative comments than ones that are good and help us grow as a writer and make us feel good about what we do.

One time, when I was about to do a podcast with my friend, I asked my readers (177,000 of them) to send me questions or suggest topics that we can talk about.

And what happened? The questions I got were ALL the same: WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO UPDATE?

Funny thing is, we actually used “Update Please” as the title of our Podcast.

What’s not funny is how all that made me feel.

It was my turn to ask my readers for help (after providing free content for such a long time now) and what I get back are requests to give them more free stuff at a faster time.

It made me feel like my sole purpose in this world is to create free stories. I tried putting my stories on paid sites and got a lot of hate for it. As in actual brutal hate. So to cater to many, I kept it on free sites.

And keeping those stories on free sites don’t really help in keeping a roof over my head and keeping me from not going hungry. So I need my job for that. And because I work, I don’t have that much time to write.

But when I do write, I just feel disappointed. When I try to do something related to writing for fun, people just tell me to update and flood me with all these requests.

I asked for help and instead of answering me with actual nice questions I can use, it’s all about the books. Ever had that one friend who always asks you for help and then when it’s you who needs it, your friend just shrugs and walks away? That’s how I’m feeling lately.

One more thing: the comments and the helpful feedback I used to get are now gone.

In-line comments are being abused. Reviews are being abused.

Back then, someone would point out typos in the story in such a good way. And those are actually very much welcome because it saves me time editing my stories.

Right now, people don’t even point out typos anymore. I’d take it even rudely. But nope. Nada.

Here’s the usual comments I receive now:

1. Lol.

2. OMG she’s such a bitch.

3. Hahahaha.

4. Duuude.

5. When are you going to update?

So where’s the feedback? Where’s something to help me grow?

As for reviews, people would one-star a book just because something they wanted didn’t happen.

One reader actually told me that she wished the main female character got pregnant and then had a miscarriage and then the guy was so broken up over it that it made them closer.

That is a good story actually, but it’s not mine. Dear reader, that’s your story. Not mine.

“If you have a story you want to read but it hasn’t been written yet, then you must write it.” - Toni Morrison

This was the quote I used to live by when it comes to writing. I wrote the stories inside my heart. Something the reader in me would devour in one sitting.

This type of feedback doesn’t really help us because it’s like asking us to write an entirely different story.

Another thing: my works are my babies and it’s natural I feel this need to defend them.

But I can’t. Because when you reply to reviews, people actually think you are a horrible person who can’t take criticism.

I know criticism and there’s actually a thing called constructive criticism. But are these comments actually constructive? Asking me to change the plot to suit your needs?

There’s also a thing called being nice. If you have something to say, what’s there to lose by saying it nicely instead of in a rude manner?

The internet, social media, and the comment section actually give us space to exercise our freedom of speech. But sometimes, it doesn’t mean that just because you can, you should.

Leaving comments and hate messages are so easy nowadays because we all tend to hide behind our online identities and our keyboards are our weapons. But behind those things, we’re all still human. We have feelings. We get hurt. We get disappointed.

Think of the human in you and the human in the other person before leaving such nasty stuff.

Also, golden rule: Do not do unto others what you don’t want others to do unto you.

It’s such a simple thing but is now lost in this world. Especially in the online world.

At first, I thought it was the platform that was toxic. So I tried other platforms. It turns out it’s both the platform and the people using it. And because those people tend to follow you in other platforms to share their toxicity as well, it’s like there’s no escape.

So now every time I sit down and try to type up words, it doesn’t feel the way it used to. It’s more like I do it just for the sake of doing it and not because it’s something I love and enjoy.

But shouldn’t you be thankful that you have thousands of readers and millions of reads?

My dear, it’s both a blessing and a curse. Not all of those readers will support you.

Others follow you just so they can get their free stuff. Ask them a question (which does not cost anything) and they can’t even give you ten seconds of their time.

Which gets me thinking: why should I?

Well, you should be thankful because we read your books! If not for us, you wouldn’t be where you are.

This is yet another toxic thing people love throwing around.

And I am indeed thankful to people who support me and bought my books and also read my stories online.

But I find this phrase annoying.

If there were no writers, what would readers read?

After all this, are you still going to write?

I still am actually writing. I still write the stories inside my heart. I just don’t post them.

I write them for myself and read them for my own personal enjoyment. I don’t want to post it online anymore (at least not right now)

For so many times I’ve actually considered writing under a different pen name and never telling people who I really am. And I told myself that once I do that, it will be like starting over again. It will be like writing back in year 2012.

But when I think about making a new account, I always think about the few real readers I have on Aerith Sage. And that stops me. So I’m left somewhere in the middle: doing nothing.

It’s actually my birthday today and I’m sitting here writing this after I’ve read a bunch of toxic comments. This was not how I envisioned spending my birthday but shit happens.

So yeah, here I am writing this just to be able to express my real feelings about writing.

I’m here writing this blog post instead of another chapter, I know. But I just can’t.

And I hope somebody out there actually understands this.

If you’ve read this all the way til the end, thank you and I hope you understand. Thank you so much for all the support.

#writing #writer #am writing #online writing community #blog #thoughts

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aerithsage · 5 years

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“Update Please!” A Podcast with Ansela Corsino

Early December of 2018, I announced that I was going to do a Podcast with my friend and fellow author, Ansela Corsino.

The title of our Podcast is "UPDATE PLEASE."

If you’re a reader of serial fiction from Wattpad, Radish, Inkitt, etc. I probably don’t need to explain the reason behind the title. Hahahaha. But yeah, it's because the most common comment or request we receive on all our writing and social media accounts is “update please.” Ansela suggested we use that one as the title. :)

First episode is now posted!

Please check it out and listen to us answer the first 10 questions of The Writer Tag to introduce ourselves and also give you more an idea on how we both started writing, some tips, publishing tea etc.

Here's the link by the way: https://updateplease.com/

Please check it out! :)

And if you have any questions for us, we have links to our social media and emails where you can send us questions or suggested topics.

#writing #podcast #wattpad #radish #inkitt #updateplease #update please #wattpad updates #authors #writers #updatepleasepodcast

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aerithsage · 5 years

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Long ago, men went to sea, and women waited for them, standing on the edge of the water, scanning the horizon for the tiny ship. Now I wait for Henry. He vanishes unwillingly, without warning. I wait for him. Each moment that I wait feels like a year, an eternity. Each moment is as slow and transparent as glass. Through each moment I can see infinite moments lined up, waiting. Why has he gone where I cannot follow?

Audrey Niffenegger, The Time Traveler's Wife

#quotes #thoughts

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aerithsage · 5 years

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Late post: Originally posted December 7, 2018 on Instagram

Advanced Merry Christmas to meee! 😂 Got the entire Colourpop x Disney Collection. (Plus the Tarte Shape Tape Concealer - not in picture.) Been waiting a long time for this. 😍 Glad I found @thevanityzone. Ordered this around 11 PM last night and got it this morning at 8 AM. Thanks so much for the fast and smooth transaction! 👌

#colourpop #disneyandcolourpop #disney #makeup #colourpopph #makeupph

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aerithsage · 5 years

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Do you need more makeup? No. Nope I do not. But been looking for an authentic version of this for a long time now to satisfy the Harry Potter geek in me. Had the wand brushes for a while now and finally just got the palette. The set is complete. 😍 @storybookcosmetics . #makeup #makeupph #storybookcosmetics #harrypotter #witchcraft #wizardry #harrypotterph

Originally posted on Instagram

#makeup #makeupph #storybookcosmetics #harrypotter #witchcraft #wizardry #harrypotterph

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aerithsage · 5 years

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2018 Highlights #2: The Pink Gaming Rig

So aside from reading and writing, my next big love is playing games.

Since I was young, me and my brother (along with my dad) have been playing games on our PS1. We’ve had all the Playstations until PS4. One of my earliest memories of learning to read was reading the walkthroughs for games on gaming magazines that my dad bought. There was no internet back then so if you’re lost and don’t know where to go on a game, the gaming magazines were your lifesaver.

When I was in college, my group of friends were mostly boys and they taught me how to play DOTA. I was the only girl in a computer shop filled with boys. And I loved the competitive gaming scene.

I stopped playing DOTA after college and then bought myself a Nintendo Switch and played Splatoon as much as I can.

But this year, I saved up to buy myself a good gaming PC. It was also at a good time because my Mac (which I use for writing, work, etc) was starting to slow down.

While saving up for my PC, I actually bought the peripherals first. I was walking by the mall and saw this pink keyboard. Lo and behold, it was Razer. And I found out they had this entire pink collection called the Razer Quartz.

So here’s some pictures of my peripherals:

First set bought:

Razer Invicta Quartz (Mousepad)

Razer Lancehead Tournament Edition (Mouse)

Razer Blackwidow Quartz (Keyboard)

Second item bought:

Razer Kraken Pro Quartz (headset)

Little selfie right here:

(Btw, CEO of Razer actually liked and commented on my Instagram post and I was shookt. Hahaha)

Next item bought:

Razer Orbweaver

I mainly use this for gaming. It’s like a set of hotkeys with comfortable, easy to reach keys and grips. Totally adore this. This changed the DOTA gaming life for me.

Too bad there wasn’t a pink one.

And last but not the least... My CPU

I did my research heavily before buying this. I didn’t really want to buy a pre-assembled one. I carefully researched all the parts based on their performance and price.

Didn’t want to go over the budget but also didn’t want to compromise performance. I wanted something that can play the best games and also last a long time before I need to buy new parts.

Specs:

AMD Ryzen 5

GEforce 1080 ti

32 GB RAM

500 GB SSD

1 TB Hard Drive

CPU Case: Deepcool

Cooling system: Hypercool

Forgot the other specs but I think these are the most important. Haha.

And what do I use this for? So far only, DOTA (and of course work).

As for other games, haven’t downloaded other ones yet but maybe in the future when I have more time on my hands. Am just afraid that if I download more games, I won’t have time to live my life. =))

And here’s how my desk looks like: (it’s messy sorry) And not complete yet. This is the latest one I have and not all peripherals and the CPU is here. It’s just that my desk is too messy and I’m kinda lazy in cleaning it up so I can take a picture (sorry)

When I get some time and energy to clean up, will post an updated pic!

And that’s it for now! More updates coming soon.

#my life #blog #blogged #cpu #pc #gaming pc #gamer girl #games #gaming #mylife #pc games #dota #dota2

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aerithsage · 6 years

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2018 Highlights #1: The Transition to Bullet Journaling

This year, I wanted to try something new and be more organized.

The past few years since I started using planners, I always used the Belle de Jour Power Planner or the Starbucks Planners. This year, I tried out Bullet Journaling.

So what is a Bullet Journal?

The Bullet Journal is an analog system created by Ryder Carroll, a Designer based in New York. In his words, the Bullet Journal is meant “to help you track the past, organize the present, and plan for the future.” It’s an amazing system that keeps a record of everything you could ever want to toss at it. It can be your task manager, sketchbook, journal, idea catcher, and much more!

The Bullet Journal is a organizational system in a notebook that keeps track of anything you would like to write down in an coherent way.

- TinyrayofSunshine.com

How I got started:

1. I researched the best type of notebooks to use for this as well as other materials like pens, washi tapes, etc.

2. I watched a lot of Youtube videos about Bullet Journaling.

3. After the videos, I thought about how I’d do my own spreads / layouts.

4. I went to Pinterest and pinned a lot of images to get inspiration from. (If you want to see my entire Pinterest board about it, click HERE.)

5. I planned out everything, bought the materials and just dived right into it.

The Materials

1. Notebook: Leuchtturm1917 Dotted A5 Notebook (Army Color).

Well, they didn’t have any other color available then so sadly, this was the only color I got. I planned on buying a cover for it or wrapping it in paper or something just to make it prettier but it’s almost the end of 2018 and I still haven’t done that. Oh well.

So for the 2019 notebook, I ordered early (way back November) and this time, I got the Leuchtturm 1917 Bullet Journal - A5 Dotted. I ordered it from Shopee for 1600 php + a pack of stickers.

2. Pens

Uhm, where do I start with this? I already have tons of pens because I just absolutely love buying these things. My desk has so much pens but it’s like there’s always this need for MORE.

So just to list off the ones I commonly use, here they are:

Sakura Micron Pens (5-piece set)

Stabilo point 88 Pens (I have the entire set of all colors available)

Stabilo Boss Mini Highlighters (Pastel Colors)

Faber Castell Pitt Artist Pens (S)

Pilot G-Tec (0.4) Purple and Black as well as the entire Maica Set.

Zig Kuretake Pens

Tombow Dual Tip

Mechanical Pencil (definitely a must have)

All these are available in National Bookstore or you can also check out Scribe. You can buy online and they also have stores as well.

3. Washi Tapes

Oh boy, here’s another one.

I have a mini drawer on my desk all just filled with Washi Tapes. Whenever I go to the mall, I always have to stop by a bookstore and check out their collection of Washi Tapes.

Some are expensive and some are super nice but really cheap.

Here’s how my Washi Tape drawer looks like

(Excuse my messy desk. Haha)

4. Other Items Needed

Ruler (My recommendation: get a small one that fits in your pencil case so you can bring it anywhere with you along with your BuJo. You can also insert the ruler in the envelope flap at the back of the notebook.

Eraser

Glue Stick / Glue (for when you paste movie tickets, pictures, or other keepsakes)

Scissors

Colored Paper (Optional) Just to add an extra oomph to your BuJo

Stickers (optional just like colored paper)

My Messy Bullet Journal

Okay guys so I’m going to give you a peek at some of the pages (my absolute favorites) of my journal.

It’s a bit messy since this is my first and my goal was more on being more consistent and more organized rather than the aesthetics of it.

First picture I’m going to share is how I do my month spreads. So I kept it simple and maximized the use of the available space. It’s color coded per month too so the drop shadow and the washi tape used is different for every month.

Kept this layout simple so it’s easy to use. My goal for my bullet journal was consistency and I thought earlier that making elaborate and beautiful layouts would cost so much time and I may end up not finishing it especially if I’m busy.

So for this next one, this is how my weekly pages look like. (I purposefully took a pic of a week I didn’t write anything because some stuff are private, sorry!)

I kept it simple just like the calendar so that it doesn’t take me a lot of time to make it every month. By the way, all monthly spreads, I prepare before the month starts.

The weekly spreads are on the left and then I keep a blank page on the right so I could write grocery or shopping lists, memories, wants and needs, paste movie tickets and more.

The washi tape at the bottom also matches the color of the washi tape on the calendar page. I just want everything to be cohesive and color-coded.

Next pic: The month intro layout.

So for extra spaces per month, I usually doodle on it or it’s a space for me to post my calligraphy practice stuff. I also love doing calligraphy. It relaxes me and now I have a place to paste all those and make my BuJo just a little bit prettier.

Left side of the picture is one of my doodles and right side is one of those coloring stuff for adults that I got from the internet. I printed it and then colored it using Faber Castell Color Pencils.

Next up is one of my “Memories” Pages.

I made this one after my birthday. I turned 26 last January 25 and I took my family to Viking’s for dinner. We had so much fun, took many pics, and totally ate a lot.

I printed some of those pictures using my Pringo P231 Portable Printer and then pasted them here. Added some simple text and some washi tapes and voila!

Last pic I’m going to share is my Mood Tracker. I got the idea from Pinterest and wanted it so bad.

It’s a good, simple way of glancing at a page and then seeing how you were feeling that day. I totally love how it looks like someone played Tetris so shittily.

My Bullet Journal Experience

I. TOTALLY. LOVED. IT

So the thing with me and planners is that I am super organized and always write on the planner during the early months of the year. And then when the year is about to end, I just end up not writing anything at all.

That’s annoying and sad as well because I forgot to write about some of the most amazing days and I’ll just totally forget those.

The thing with BuJos is that you just don’t have to use it to plan your life or your day. You can also use it like a diary where you can write your memories and save them forever.

Imagine the feeling of keeping all your past BuJos and then just sitting at home one day and rereading BuJos of the past years. That would be incredibly insane. So this 2018 is my first time doing this Bullet Journaling thing and it already gives me so much feels when I reread my notes and memories from the previous months.

The BuJo also kept me very organized. Everything I need to write is all in one place. My grocery lists are here, plot points for my stories, story ideas, rants and things I need to get off my chest but cannot say to anyone, memories, and so much more!

It’s such a great experience and I learned a lot and now have a clearer picture for how I want my 2019 Bullet Journal to look like. And yep, I’m definitely doing it again.

I already started doing it actually so that I have a good head start before 2019 starts. This way, I can also start doing more aesthetically pleasing layouts to be some sort of upgrade and also a way to challenge myself.

If you want to get more organized with your life while at the same time, keep a diary / notepad / scrapbook for everything, then I highly recommend trying out Bullet Journaling.

My first tip is to start small. Consistency is key. It’s more important that your journals being super beautiful but taking up so much time that you end up abandoning it.

Don’t worry if what you make isn’t Instagram or Pinterest worthy. Dude, those people are pros. Haha They are super good at calligraphy or lettering and thinking of layout ideas. You, on the other hand, are just starting. So don’t worry about it.

Also, if you need ideas, remember to check out my Pinterest Board.

That’s it for now! Will be back soon with another 2018 highlight. Hope you liked this post. :) And if you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask.

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Twitter: @aerithsage

Instagram: @aerithsage

#mylife #2018 #bujo #bulletjournal #bullet journal ph

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