aliyahllast

[aliyahllast]

Creepy house + photoshoot = ❤️‍🔥

[aliyahllast]

If you’re thinking about getting a new car get a Chevy Trax!

It’s my first car and my baby! Not to mention she’s amazing to take photos of 📸

#photography

[aliyahllast]

There’s no such thing as a bad photo, there are photos that can be different or ones that people don’t like but I promise you that in every photo there is at least one positive!

Look outside the book… sometimes you even have to look to the right sometimes📸💕

[aliyahllast]

Protected

Trees

There are so many

Shielding the house

Protecting it from the harsh weather

Long nights

Endless days

But what if the house doesn’t want to be protected

What if it wants to feel

Feel the rain

Feel the heat from the sun

It has to feel the bad to embrace the book

295 days being protected

18 years of just wanting to feel

The rain on HER skin

the pain in HER stomach

The sun on HER back

And the Adrenalin in HER veins

Stop being protected

Live

It feels amazing

[aliyahllast]

Not caring

I feel strongly

I feel so strongly when it comes to writing

I don’t share what I write

I’m worried of what other people think, what other people will do with my words

Im worried how people will perceive me

When I write I don’t think, I don’t let myself stop because if I do I worry I won’t continue

There are times I do stop, I stop and I wish I never did

When I do share what I write I do it out of love, I do it in hopes the person will still look at me the same way

I hope they see through what I’m writing and grasp the pure and raw emotion that in expressing

Imagine trying to express yourself with words, I’ve never been able to, not the way I’ve hoped I could

So I write

I write without a though, I let how I’m feeling flow

When I tried to show someone I loved the writing and the emotion that was in it they didn’t notice

They don’t get it

They don’t have interest

It hurts

Just as much as it did when I stopped writing

Is that why I stopped?

[aliyahllast]

Photoshoot day yesterday!

Getting ready for fall🍂

[aliyahllast]

Feeling like this is one of the things that scare me the most.

Not knowing what I want to do or how to do things 

My mind won't let me communicate 

It’s like when I go to talk there's nothing there 

I feel so lost and unsure of what I want to do 

My body is on edge and I’m on the break of crying 

Life is empty and bland 

After high school there's nothing

I’m watching everyone else's lives become what they’ve always wanted and here I still am not knowing what I even want to eat the next day 

Or if I’ve even decided if I want to eat 

I don’t have many skills, well I don’t have much of anything

Everything I do isn’t enough 

I can’t even express myself in writings because no one ever gets it

No one ever understands what's going through my head and the pain I get in my body when I get like this

It feels like I’m here for nothing 

What am I good for?

What is so important for me to still be doing this everyday?

People will tell you things are going to be ok and things are going to get better in time but do they really? 

Or do people just say that because that’s what other people want to hear? 

They push you to do things because they know your capable of doing them

But do they realize how drained you are?

How sick and tired you are of living the same life over and over again

Waking up and the days being all the same, blended into one?

[aliyahllast]

growing up and getting old

Being in a relationship is one of the most hardest things I think I have ever had to do

Not because it’s pointless but because there comes a time where you have to bend your own morals for the person you love 

There are so many things that are new and so many things that you are going to learn 

But no one said it was going to be easy, I learned that as long as you stay true to yourself then nothing can hurt you

You have to make sure that you are confident in yourself and know what you want 

Don’t be scared to use your voice 

My dad used to ask me a question when I was younger it was 

“who is the one person you can trust in the world”

I got the answer wrong every time until I realized that the one and only person I could truly trust was myself 

That is one thing that has stuck with me for my whole life and let me tell you it has had the biggest impact on my life ever since  

[aliyahllast]

Winter

Long winter days feel like short summers.  Winter will always make me feel like there is no hope for anything, there is never any motivation and never any hope Every month of winter it feels like I’ve been living in a loop where everyday is the exact same I want the long summer days with the beautiful sun sets, the feeling of the windows down and my hair getting all messy Winter feels like water when it starts to fill fill up your lungs as it gets heavier and heavier till there isn’t any more air left to breath  It consumes you until theres nothing left

[aliyahllast]

the sound of music

The way the music moves through my body when it comes on,

It’s like I can feel the electro lights and the energy flowing through me

There is no better feeling then this

There’s some type of relaxation I get

Like all my worries in the world have gone away

Its like I can finally be still

Not have to worry about anything else around me

Everything is completely silent and still

If I could think of the right words to describe the feeling

You would know

Without music I wouldn’t get the 3 minutes of stillness

And if I’m being honest I have no clue what I would do with myself if I didn’t have that

[aliyahllast]

Emotionless

The two feelings that are on a constant loop are amber and sadness, with those come emptiness and the horrible feeling of being lost

There’s no motivation, but with not motivation comes guilt

How could I let myself go?

I want to get back up but where?

Where do I start, how do I know if I’m doing it right

Overwhelming, stress, emptiness are all things that i have come to be very familiar with

I’m in a loop and I haven’t found my out yet

[aliyahllast]

Paintings by John Atkinson Grimshaw.

[aliyahllast]

The words in which you use

You use a word but you get miss understood

They take it differently then the way you meant it

Trying to explain yourself never makes it any better

So why keep trying

God

Why must you be so stupid

Your going to ruin this perfect thing

All because you don’t know how to use words

You claim your good at English yet every time you speak

You ruin it

My selfishness takes over and consumes me

Fills me with rage and regret

Trying to overcome that is like trying to sit in a crowded room with people you can’t stand

[aliyahllast]

Sitting, thinking, working

It should all come so naturally

But it doesn’t

There’s this thing blocking the good thoughts from coming through, all there is to think about is pain

The tears

The heart ache

The more you try the more it get harder to keep trying

The smile you put on your face isn’t real

It’s just a mask

You wear it to hide your true self

So when your sitting in those school chairs waiting for that one good breath of fresh air is like waiting for yourself to feel something other then pain

People ask “are you ok”

And all you can say is “yeah I’m ok”

You don’t want people feeling pity for you

At the end of the day there you are crying, telling yourself that it will be ok and tomorrow will be a new day

Then you close your eyes and let yourself fall into a deep but not so deep slumber

[aliyahllast]

Find beauty in things even when no one else does because if you look hard enough you’ll find that thing that changes your life!

[aliyahllast]

The harsh truth. Something about this makes everything else make sense.

[aliyahllast]

I don’t want to talk to you anymore about myself or my problems

But I always end up turning to you

Even after what you put me through

When there’s something not sitting right

I go to you

It’s not even like you make things better

How do I know that you truly care

You’ve left me scard before

Hurting

Broken

So why is it I find some type of comfort in talking to you

Why do I need you in order to be ok

Do I though?

I think so?

I’m lost and don’t know how to feel,

My emotions are chocking me, brining me down into the deep

Where I can’t see

can’t feel

I get caught up in my thoughts because it’s so loud

I can’t hear myself think

But you

You help that

I don’t want you to

I can’t let you

You left me

You say I can always talk to you when I need to, but what does that truly mean

Maybe I need to let you go to find myself