all2common

[all2common]

I actually published something

I actually put out a story online and see how well it would do. Which considering I have no fan base it will do as expected lol

But at least I tried haha

[all2common]

And we're back

Hey whats up people! And yes I am back :)

[all2common]

The Bad Days

Being stuck in an emotion can seem like you are in a self made prison. You blame yourself for your situation even if you don't show it. Depression always seems to make sure to remind you about how you won't change things and how its stupid to have hope. It tells you how tired you are of life and how unfair it is that you have to endure it and how others have to endure you. You have to sit there while it reminds you how stuck you really are.

If there is one thing that comes to mind when thinking about all this its how agonizing it can be. Instead of having your own personal life coach its like having your own personal death coach. It's hard to not want to just listen to that constant voice that tells you to give up. And whats worse its not in a screaming tone most times for me. Its a calm voice that makes you think you will feel nothing else when you delete yourself.

You wake up dragging your mental sword and shield like a tired gladiator who has done this match a 100 times. You win every day but you wonder at what cost. To live to see the same thing again in the morning? You begin to feel like you are fighting for survival just to say you lived, but not to have really lived. Tired gladiators are not physically tired they are mentally tired because they have seen this fight so many times they already know the outcome.

The hunger for life seems to have subsided long ago and they keep going because they feel that's what they are supposed to do.

So then I ask, is it the fight that's the problem or the outcome?

I believe its the outcome. Why fight if nothing changes? Or maybe I need to change what I'm fighting? "Fight depression" is the same old song sung here and yonder time and time again. Maybe its time to fight something else. Fight the lies you tell yourself everyday that you are not worth it. Fight the story that plays out in your head that nothing will change. Depression will come and you have to accept that when it does you don't have to be its dance partner or fight partner. Instead fight what's behind it.

What is wearing the mask of your depression? Fear is what is wearing the mask of my depression. It will tell me that I should be afraid of loving myself. I should be afraid of expecting to have a good day. It will tell me I should fear when I don't have a good day. It will tell me that I should fear the Bad Days cause the bad days mean I'm just going through the motions to no outcome.

Even if there are 100 bad days ahead fight the fear of the bad days coming. Fight the fear of going through the motions. Fight being afraid of having that one good day cause you think it will be ripped from under you. Because if you don't depression and fear has won. Not only did they steal your outlook on the future but they stole your ability to make the most of the moments that matter.

[all2common]

Soooo.....

hope everyone has been good. Me? Meh I have been through it these past few weeks. At moments completely breaking down and thinking "why the hell am I here even enduring all this?"

But like any person who wants to live. You find a reason to keep going. And so I did. I'm glad I did. Life can seem so permanent when you can't see the future. It can seem so dark and stationary. While I like routine sometimes I think its easy to be comfortable in a bad routine just cause you know what to expect from it.

Yet while in the emotional chaos of the anxiety of worrying about the future you mentally can end up taking refuge in the decrepit beauty of "the devil you know".

This in the moment seems safe or just logical to stay in the routine of never venturing out cause each time it ends in a bad experience. But the thing you have to tell yourself is the bad experiences are because I haven't enough experiences period.

If you haven't met many good people then you haven't met enough people. If you haven't ever eaten good food then you haven't tried enough food yet. If you haven't heard good music then you haven't listened to enough music yet.

Perspective matters.

[all2common]

Peek a boo

Just saying hello and that I'm still here. Just been busy with life but more stories and emotional blogs coming soon lol

[all2common]

Spiraling....somewhat

So its been a min. Right now I'm battling another patch of depression. It pisses me off that I even have to deal with this right now but yeah here we are. It comes and goes, but I noticed it comes often along with the health issues I have. I can pretty much predict when another battle is about to happen cause it seems to be a side effect/symptom of a condition I have.

What I find the most annoying though is that if I were to tell a doctor this they would just look at me like I was crazy. As if feeling like shit physically doesn't mess with your emotions.

Anyone who thinks that is just a moron or hasn't been sick enough to know. One thing that does help though is music. Can't listen to sad music though (obviously). And writing of course :)

I think I also get mad at myself. Depression can make you feel so weak and guilty about everything you do. You feel so self centered constantly thinking about how horrible your life is. Its so circular.

Yet there is light at the end of the tunnel. Trying to focus on what you can do and not fix it but maybe ease yourself on until you get to the end of the current battle seems like the best way to deal.

For some this may sound like bullshit but its what works for me. Until I can find a better solution. Until next time .....

[all2common]

"Oh hell naw! I refuse and I repeat REFUSE to open anything from that woman!"

Jimmy takes a step back from the box and walks towards the doorway.

"Jimmy wait! She's not like that anymore. I'm sure Pan knows what she's doing by sending it to us. Her investigation is important for Greece. We have to help her."

"Mutha F**ker then you help her! Last time she sent us something my asshole leaked glitter for 2 months straight. Do you know what its like to have to explain to a woman why your ass is leaking glitter all over her floor? Do you?!"

Nick the Lock-picking Lawyer snickers a little as he places the box on the tool table in front of him.

"Look man all I know is that she has made some great discoveries that has helped mankind for the better. I mean glitter isn't all that bad dude. I had horns growing from my armpits but it was all reversible once we realized what happened. "

Jimmy walks over to Nick close enough for Nick to feel uncomfortable.

"You can open that bitch if you want to. I'm leaving. Make sure you keep that crap away from my work table."

Nick slowly walks back to his tool table and sits down.

"How am I gonna do this without Jimmy?"

Nick sighs and sits back and takes a look at his computer screen.

"Well let's begin with the research..."

“This is the Lockpicking Lawyer and what I have for you today is an ancient looking box that was sent to me by Pandora from Greece.”

[all2common]

"As death's daughter I see a lot of his work but he is nothing like everyone thinks. No he doesn't wear all black and no he isn't some skeleton figure. We live among humans and I know when he's going to take someone because you can see it in his eyes. Or you can just look in magnus liber. It's Latin for "The Great Book". It's pretty much just a schedule for the deaths of others. It tells exactly who's going to die, when, and how. Made by the one above us all. See there isn't just my Father, there are others. They all do the same job and look from the same book, its just my Father is the oldest and the first."

"One day I will do this job.....but I don't want to. Living among humans has showed me how much they suffer from death. They grieve so much and so long. Some leaving children behind or leaving the community lost. How can you not feel guilty for causing such pain? Especially when you don't have to worry about dying yourself. I tried to tell him so many times that I want something else to do but he just doesn't hear me. He doesn't see me. His mind is too captivated by the endless sea of souls that must be taken beyond. The endless screaming and chaos of car crashes and murders and bombings. A wall of his pride founded in his lust for duty has blinded him from seeing me....truly seeing me...."

“Death gets everyone eventually”, they say. You disagree. You are death’s teenage daughter, and he just doesn’t get you.

[all2common]

Verbal Abuse

Abuse a lot of times is like a revolving door. Getting out looks easy but its hard when you actually try and very easy to go right back in.

Let's talk about verbal abuse. I think there are way more verbal abusers than there are physical abusers and people accept it more often because its not physical. But constant insults and jabs at your self esteem by someone you love can take a toll on you. It can make you feel so unloved and think no one will ever love you. Growing up with it is even worse because you are lied to from the very beginning. There is no "self" to get back to if you where born into it. You just have to get away and begin the journey of learning who you are without it.

My Father is verbally abusive to my mother and others in this home I'm in. It's pretty much expected for him to be an asshole to everyone. While his abuses stopped once I got older and able to stand up for myself he still continues with the verbal abuse with my mother. It's truly a ongoing cycle of poetic nonsense. He gets angry, blames her for his anger, she tries to calm and reason with him, he continues to explode on her, and then he leaves.

Sometimes he may come back and make himself angry again and do it all over again just for good measure. While I hate seeing him do this to my mother I can't interfere anymore. She has made it known to me she has no intention of leaving him and she doesn't know why she still loves him. So to me I guess she's not hurting bad enough yet.

Because she has said this I no longer wish to defend her. You can defend someone who isn't able to defend themselves but you can't defend someone who doesn't want to defend themselves. Not being able and not wanting to makes a huge difference.

Life can get better though. You just have to see yourself worth the fight. Until then I guess it just doesn't hurt you bad enough.

[all2common]

"but this is my job. A job I have hated for a very long time now. Going in and out of prison and jail just to learn about the process of advancement in crime. Understanding the mind of a criminal and how they become who they are in the present. Its exhausting to be honest. Exhausting constantly evading police officers like you who think I'm nothing more than a petty wanna be mobster. When the truth is I have more connections than AT&T. Why do you think I keep getting out? But keep believing what you are told, that's how I operate in the realm of ignorance and stupidity. Just be sure to have my things ready when I walk out of here."

“You’re the worst criminal in History, give me one reason not to kill you.” “Okay. You probably won’t believe me, but :…”

[all2common]

Well..Well

Guess who's back after getting locked out of their account for almost a year after deleting the virtual machine they were using for blogging and not realizing they had the credentials all along locked away in a security application somewhere? lol

So now I got a new virtual machine and ready to write again. As an update I've been working and doing more intense therapy. Which actually has been good for me. I hope everyone has been doing well and I will be seeing you guys soon :)

[all2common]

FML

So I wrote this whole post about the “what if’s” in my life changing and how the what if’s that used to go through my head were not the same anymore. But that post is gone since my computer froze and crashed.

I’ll do a short summary though. I used the saying “better the devil you know than the one you don’t” but did it like this. Better the what if’s you know than the ones you don’t. But is that really true? What I mean is, how can we be so sure if we don’t see for ourselves? This means the what if’s that kept me scared all the time and held me back from trying to do better in life have now changed to saying “what if you could do better”.

I’ve been asking myself what if I could give myself the security I’ve been looking for for so long in life. Not trying now seems more scary then being comfortable with the avoidance of failure. I mean if I failed 100 times but knew after that that I would have success would it be worth it? I think so. But I won’t know unless I do it.

This means ignoring all the fears I’ve had since I was a kid. All the irrational anxiety and paranoia.

We’ll see how this goes lol

[all2common]

Maybe I can train him to eat my neighbors when they are playing music too loud. “nice doggy, here’s an arm as a treat :)”

You found this stray “dog” that followed you home, it’s very obviously a demon in disguise, but you’ll pretend you don’t know, just to see how long they keep up the act.

[all2common]

Avoidance

Ever felt like you were drowning in your own emotions? There are some days I can feel the small defeat of depression and other days the radiance of joy that energizes my whole being. The Joy that comes is rare though. The depression I know very well, but there are some days its worse than usual. It gets that way when I keep things inside and don’t speak them out.

I recently expressed to my counselor that I didn’t like the sarcasm she would use in conversation with me. It made me feel like what I was saying she was dismissing or that I was doing/saying something wrong. Come to find out she didn't even know she was doing it. The whole time I was offended and would shut down emotionally.

Yes, she noticed but when she would ask I would avoid answering. I wanted to avoid conflict as much as possible. Avoidance is the enemy of communication for sure. You could resolve so much by not avoiding the issue. The monster that shows itself a savior brings temporary relief and will take over your life if you let it. Soon your mind will crave the avoidance because it keeps you from feeling the hard emotions. The fear, the anxiety, the worry. But its only temporary. There will be another situation another issue another problem.

You.....I can’t avoid them all. No one can. Don’t allow yourself to become afraid of saying whats real.

[all2common]

Nmap wishes itself a happy cake day/birthday because no one else will bother with it.

Do check out Top 32 Nmap Command Examples For Linux Sys/Network Admins

[all2common]

Love this movie

Janet Jackson, Poetic Justice, 1993

[all2common]

As I drop the lit match to the floor sparks fly and follow a rose colored pattern scraped into the floor. Each symbol under every participant is connected and they watch as their symbols light up like the sun in the sky after heavy rain.

As some try to get up they notice they are chained to their seats.

"Blake! what is this?!"

As I look at each person I walk to the small swing outside the circle and give the signal to be pulled up. I sit down and raise myself above them all, looking down on them like the helpless puppets they are.

"Don't worry, It's just a game"

You’re playing a game of truth or dare. In the first round you hear: “Blake, I dare you to leave for smokes and don’t come back for 20 years”. 20 years later, all the participants awaken in a dark room, arranged in a circle. In front of them, a single match sparks as you say “it’s my turn now”.